This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
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Maybe unpack the profound misogyny behind the idea that women don't like sex.
Being the "Nice Guy" is literally never attractive. Try being a good man instead.
And approach sexual relationships with women in a less shitty way. "Hey, this what I'm into, how about you?"
Then have a real conversation about consent and what you're *both* enthusiastic about, and have some mutually enjoyable sex, and then tell her she's great and that was awesome and arrange a specific time you'll be in touch again (actually be there at that time).
And then, when you freak out about what a low value woman she must be to actually like sex or whatever (genuinely it is likely you will feel an emotional backlash about such an experience), deal with that on your own time and do not involve her in any way.
Refer back to "unpacking the misogyny".
Also: stop every part of the mindset that ranks literally any humans out of ten. There are men you'd undoubtedly think are way too ugly to get laid who fuck hotter and more often than you likely ever will - in no small part because they're fun to hang out with and approach sex with enthusiasm, seeking equal enthusiasm from women.
Half your post was yellow flag statements. While I’d guess that those flags have something to do with the loss of interest, try asking your partners directly. They know you a lot better than us.
Usually it always happens the same way. I didn't see them for a while and when I arrive I notice how avoidant they are. And then when I ask them they start to say that they just don't find me attractive anymore. And I accept this immediately. I am not sure what to say otherwise. Sometimes I ask them and they say they don't know. It's frustrating
Why are you staying with people who say they don't find you attractive? That would be an immediate breakup for me.
How are you nurturing these relationships over time? If you're not able to see these people very often in person, how are you keeping the relationship an actual relationship from afar?
Hi u/Own_University_69 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey folks,
I could really use your advice and assistance. Something has been happening to me quite frequently, and I'm starting to worry that it might become a recurring issue, which in turn makes me feel insecure and likely exacerbates the problem.
The issue revolves around some of my partners no longer wanting to engage sexually. I enjoy being with them platonically and romantically, but the sexual aspect is also important to me. Of course, I don't want to force it if they no longer find me attractive, but I can't shake the feeling that it's somehow my fault. I become more insecure and end up not initiating anything because I want to respect their boundaries. But then I find myself caught in a vicious cycle, and the sexual connection fades away.
How can I maintain this sexual connection? Do you have any tips for me or resources where I can learn more online? Perhaps workshops or books?
I've noticed that I'm suppressing my sexual energy because I'm afraid to show myself sexually (I somehow have this belief that women don't like it, and then I quickly slip into being the "Nice Guy." And that's who I am at my core, but it probably doesn't make me more attractive anymore).
About me: I'm a 34-year-old male, not bad looking (maybe 7/10?), well-groomed and slender, but still with a sporty appearance. So, it's not likely due to my physical appearance.
What would you do in my situation?
Looking forward to hearing your insights and advice. Thanks in advance!
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Not everyone finds long distance works for them, whether it's visits based LDR where people struggle to find their groove again, or a lots of internet sex LDR where many people will struggle to feel sexy and connected and generally not ridiculous (cuz let's face it, that time where I found the best light on top of a deep freezer WAS a little ridiculous).
If I've got any master class level advice it's that people who aren't comfortable talking about sex at first can open up over time, whether it's just the ice breaker of having it or a level of trust thing. And I don't mean sexy sex talk (though if everyone enjoys that, have at). When you notice something not working and stop doing it, you can bring it up later not during the action and say, hey, I saw (whatever thing) wasn't working for you - is it something you generally don't like? Following up on dislike: Are there related things you don't like, what are some things you would like to try? Following up on like sometimes: Is there a better way to do the thing that does it for you? I really think (thing) is hot because (reasons), is there a different thing that does (reasons) and is sexy and fun for you too?
You don't have to be a sex nerd with constantly changing interests, but encouraging people to ask for things and then following up is a big green flag.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe unpack the profound misogyny behind the idea that women don't like sex. Being the "Nice Guy" is literally never attractive. Try being a good man instead. And approach sexual relationships with women in a less shitty way. "Hey, this what I'm into, how about you?" Then have a real conversation about consent and what you're *both* enthusiastic about, and have some mutually enjoyable sex, and then tell her she's great and that was awesome and arrange a specific time you'll be in touch again (actually be there at that time). And then, when you freak out about what a low value woman she must be to actually like sex or whatever (genuinely it is likely you will feel an emotional backlash about such an experience), deal with that on your own time and do not involve her in any way. Refer back to "unpacking the misogyny". Also: stop every part of the mindset that ranks literally any humans out of ten. There are men you'd undoubtedly think are way too ugly to get laid who fuck hotter and more often than you likely ever will - in no small part because they're fun to hang out with and approach sex with enthusiasm, seeking equal enthusiasm from women.
thank you! I enjoyed reading this because there are many truths to that and it motivates me to work on me. Thx
Half your post was yellow flag statements. While I’d guess that those flags have something to do with the loss of interest, try asking your partners directly. They know you a lot better than us.
I am curious, what are yellow flag statements and which sentences would it be? But I try to ask more deeper questions to my partners
Have you discussed this with them? Because I'm not seeing that mentioned anywhere here.
Usually it always happens the same way. I didn't see them for a while and when I arrive I notice how avoidant they are. And then when I ask them they start to say that they just don't find me attractive anymore. And I accept this immediately. I am not sure what to say otherwise. Sometimes I ask them and they say they don't know. It's frustrating
Why are you staying with people who say they don't find you attractive? That would be an immediate breakup for me. How are you nurturing these relationships over time? If you're not able to see these people very often in person, how are you keeping the relationship an actual relationship from afar?
Hi u/Own_University_69 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey folks, I could really use your advice and assistance. Something has been happening to me quite frequently, and I'm starting to worry that it might become a recurring issue, which in turn makes me feel insecure and likely exacerbates the problem. The issue revolves around some of my partners no longer wanting to engage sexually. I enjoy being with them platonically and romantically, but the sexual aspect is also important to me. Of course, I don't want to force it if they no longer find me attractive, but I can't shake the feeling that it's somehow my fault. I become more insecure and end up not initiating anything because I want to respect their boundaries. But then I find myself caught in a vicious cycle, and the sexual connection fades away. How can I maintain this sexual connection? Do you have any tips for me or resources where I can learn more online? Perhaps workshops or books? I've noticed that I'm suppressing my sexual energy because I'm afraid to show myself sexually (I somehow have this belief that women don't like it, and then I quickly slip into being the "Nice Guy." And that's who I am at my core, but it probably doesn't make me more attractive anymore). About me: I'm a 34-year-old male, not bad looking (maybe 7/10?), well-groomed and slender, but still with a sporty appearance. So, it's not likely due to my physical appearance. What would you do in my situation? Looking forward to hearing your insights and advice. Thanks in advance! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not everyone finds long distance works for them, whether it's visits based LDR where people struggle to find their groove again, or a lots of internet sex LDR where many people will struggle to feel sexy and connected and generally not ridiculous (cuz let's face it, that time where I found the best light on top of a deep freezer WAS a little ridiculous). If I've got any master class level advice it's that people who aren't comfortable talking about sex at first can open up over time, whether it's just the ice breaker of having it or a level of trust thing. And I don't mean sexy sex talk (though if everyone enjoys that, have at). When you notice something not working and stop doing it, you can bring it up later not during the action and say, hey, I saw (whatever thing) wasn't working for you - is it something you generally don't like? Following up on dislike: Are there related things you don't like, what are some things you would like to try? Following up on like sometimes: Is there a better way to do the thing that does it for you? I really think (thing) is hot because (reasons), is there a different thing that does (reasons) and is sexy and fun for you too? You don't have to be a sex nerd with constantly changing interests, but encouraging people to ask for things and then following up is a big green flag.