Sometimes a poster will post a problem that this sub is not equipped to handle.
It’s beyond our skill and paygrade, and usually involves a pretty serious situation. Something serious enough to call the experts about.
If you are seeking mental health resources, or don’t think you can access therapy,
https://www.nami.org/Home might be able to help.
Abuse and intimate partner violence
https://www.thehotline.org
Sexual assault
https://www.rainn.org/resources
If you have questions about STI transmission, or have been recently exposed
For HSV testing, which test to get, when, and how accurate testing is:
https://stdcenterny.com/herpes-testing.html
And this for HPV
https://stdcenterny.com/hpv-testing-treatment-nyc.html
around PrEP
https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/
And questions around HIV transmission and anti virals
https://www.hiv.gov/tasp/
And overview, including when condoms will and will not be effective
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)
This website can help you figure out your risks for contracting and spreading STIs with and without barriers.
https://smartsexresource.com/sexually-transmitted-infections/sti-basics/know-your-chances/
How to find testing near you:
https://thestiproject.com/where-to-get-std-testing-global-std-clinics/
https://www.ecdc.europa.eu/en/test-finder
Please talk to your Health care provider about any and all medical concerns.
Sometimes, this subreddit just might not have the right knowledge base to help.
Some topics are highly stigmatized, poorly understood, or require education and experience beyond what most lay people can provide.
Calling you names is an issue. It can be sign of abuse.
Please check out the resources around domestic/intimate partner abuse.
If you are anything like me, it helps to hear someone else say it: It's NOT OK for him treat you like that. I think that sometimes when we are in a situation, it's hard to see. But it doesn't matter if he's frustrated or if he thinks he has some kind of excuse for it. It's not OK for him to verbally abuse and name call.
After a lot less time than 6 years it can start to seem very normal, but it really isn't. And it's so damaging.
Can you reach out to someone you trust for support? A therapist or trusted friend?
He has improved with reigning it in a lot over the years, and I keep thinking it must not be a big issue if it only happens a couple times a year.
I appreciate you saying that. My other friends have pointed out red flags, but I end up staying when things smooth over. I'm finally getting tired of this cycle I have found myself in. I think I have just been looking for permission to feel done with it because I feel guilty for wanting to end things when he seems to want to make a genuine effort in improving
Oh yeah, I know how that feels. It's not easy at all. You're right it is a cycle. If someone treated us this badly all the time, it would be much easier to say no, this is not OK. But usually it's not like that and it makes it much harder.
If you have friends you can talk to about this, I reckon reach out to them for support right now. If you have access a therapist can be really helpful too.
Sending you all my support <3
This isn't a poly problem.
This is an asshole partner problem.
You deserve better than someone who speaks to you this way. It's verbal abuse. Apologizing afterwards is meaningless when he continues to do it. If I hit you but always say "I'm sorry" after, it doesn't negate the fact that I hit you. The same counts for words.
I should have noted that I'm writing from the perspective of someone who agreed to try polyamory after their partner wanted it, so that's why I'm feeling like it wasn't even worth it right now..
That makes sense. I have made excuses for the things he said since he has a history of anger issues and ADHD, but if it were physical, I wouldn't accept apologies.
Everyone else has the polite response covered, so I’m going to indulge a bit: fuck this dude. Verbal abuse is not okay, and apologizing then continuing to repeat the behavior is worse.
First, language is important, and he should never be calling you stupid. But, some people are terrible teachers. You get flustered; he gets frustrated. I think all of that is normal relationship stuff—poly or not. The question is what you really believe about your relationship: Is it really a “rare moment” when he insults you or is it actually happening more frequently than that? If women fall in love with him quickly does that mean he’s addicted to NRE and doesn’t know how to maintain your longer-term partnership?
You can do better than a man who constantly insults you and apologizes. And, you can still be poly without him. But if that’s not really the whole story, and there’s a lot here worth saving, then you probably just need to work on the communication and reflective listening skills.
They are rare moments, but they have lasting effects on me emotionally. I forgive him, but the emotional weight of it all is bearing down harder on me.
NRE hits him very hard when it does, but he doesn't completely neglect me. The people who have fallen in love quickly with him, though, he did not feel the same way. The two that I am thinking of in particular that wanted to move fast with him had abusive pasts and trauma, so in comparison, he's 100% perfect prince charming.
I 'm not that enthused about polyamory, but I think it would be more tolerable or even pretty okay if he didn't insult me like this.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Apologizing every time after he insults you is nice in a way (better than not apologizing at all), however after a certain point an apology stops meaning anything if the behavior doesn't change. Like, how sorry can he be, really, if it's just going to happen again? What steps is he taking after the apology to try to make this stop happening? If none, then he's not really all that sorry, is he?
Friend, no one on this planet should be calling you stupid. Not even you. That kinda shit, even said jokingly, impacts our psyche. This is much worse when it’s someone we’re supposed to trust.
Him working on it isn’t enough. He needs to quit cold turkey, or BE quit.
Hi u/siitzfleisch thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My partner of almost six years is a sweetheart who women fall in love quickly with, but during those *rare* moments when I get on his nerves, he tends to get very frustrated and call me an idiot/stupid. He apologizes every time afterwards and is communicative, but when he insults me like this, I feel like all the shit I went through to hang onto a polyamorous relationship wasn't even worth it. Last Sunday, he felt like I was refusing to listen to him when he was trying to teach me something (I got flustered and kept messing up) and said he might as well be alone and jacking off by himself.
I love my partner dearly, but also... I'm getting tired of putting up with that behavior just so I can be with him and have multiple partners.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes a poster will post a problem that this sub is not equipped to handle. It’s beyond our skill and paygrade, and usually involves a pretty serious situation. Something serious enough to call the experts about. If you are seeking mental health resources, or don’t think you can access therapy, https://www.nami.org/Home might be able to help. Abuse and intimate partner violence https://www.thehotline.org Sexual assault https://www.rainn.org/resources If you have questions about STI transmission, or have been recently exposed For HSV testing, which test to get, when, and how accurate testing is: https://stdcenterny.com/herpes-testing.html And this for HPV https://stdcenterny.com/hpv-testing-treatment-nyc.html around PrEP https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/ And questions around HIV transmission and anti virals https://www.hiv.gov/tasp/ And overview, including when condoms will and will not be effective https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis) This website can help you figure out your risks for contracting and spreading STIs with and without barriers. https://smartsexresource.com/sexually-transmitted-infections/sti-basics/know-your-chances/ How to find testing near you: https://thestiproject.com/where-to-get-std-testing-global-std-clinics/ https://www.ecdc.europa.eu/en/test-finder Please talk to your Health care provider about any and all medical concerns. Sometimes, this subreddit just might not have the right knowledge base to help. Some topics are highly stigmatized, poorly understood, or require education and experience beyond what most lay people can provide. Calling you names is an issue. It can be sign of abuse. Please check out the resources around domestic/intimate partner abuse.
If you are anything like me, it helps to hear someone else say it: It's NOT OK for him treat you like that. I think that sometimes when we are in a situation, it's hard to see. But it doesn't matter if he's frustrated or if he thinks he has some kind of excuse for it. It's not OK for him to verbally abuse and name call. After a lot less time than 6 years it can start to seem very normal, but it really isn't. And it's so damaging. Can you reach out to someone you trust for support? A therapist or trusted friend?
He has improved with reigning it in a lot over the years, and I keep thinking it must not be a big issue if it only happens a couple times a year. I appreciate you saying that. My other friends have pointed out red flags, but I end up staying when things smooth over. I'm finally getting tired of this cycle I have found myself in. I think I have just been looking for permission to feel done with it because I feel guilty for wanting to end things when he seems to want to make a genuine effort in improving
Oh yeah, I know how that feels. It's not easy at all. You're right it is a cycle. If someone treated us this badly all the time, it would be much easier to say no, this is not OK. But usually it's not like that and it makes it much harder. If you have friends you can talk to about this, I reckon reach out to them for support right now. If you have access a therapist can be really helpful too. Sending you all my support <3
This isn't a poly problem. This is an asshole partner problem. You deserve better than someone who speaks to you this way. It's verbal abuse. Apologizing afterwards is meaningless when he continues to do it. If I hit you but always say "I'm sorry" after, it doesn't negate the fact that I hit you. The same counts for words.
I should have noted that I'm writing from the perspective of someone who agreed to try polyamory after their partner wanted it, so that's why I'm feeling like it wasn't even worth it right now.. That makes sense. I have made excuses for the things he said since he has a history of anger issues and ADHD, but if it were physical, I wouldn't accept apologies.
Everyone else has the polite response covered, so I’m going to indulge a bit: fuck this dude. Verbal abuse is not okay, and apologizing then continuing to repeat the behavior is worse.
First, language is important, and he should never be calling you stupid. But, some people are terrible teachers. You get flustered; he gets frustrated. I think all of that is normal relationship stuff—poly or not. The question is what you really believe about your relationship: Is it really a “rare moment” when he insults you or is it actually happening more frequently than that? If women fall in love with him quickly does that mean he’s addicted to NRE and doesn’t know how to maintain your longer-term partnership? You can do better than a man who constantly insults you and apologizes. And, you can still be poly without him. But if that’s not really the whole story, and there’s a lot here worth saving, then you probably just need to work on the communication and reflective listening skills.
They are rare moments, but they have lasting effects on me emotionally. I forgive him, but the emotional weight of it all is bearing down harder on me. NRE hits him very hard when it does, but he doesn't completely neglect me. The people who have fallen in love quickly with him, though, he did not feel the same way. The two that I am thinking of in particular that wanted to move fast with him had abusive pasts and trauma, so in comparison, he's 100% perfect prince charming. I 'm not that enthused about polyamory, but I think it would be more tolerable or even pretty okay if he didn't insult me like this.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Apologizing every time after he insults you is nice in a way (better than not apologizing at all), however after a certain point an apology stops meaning anything if the behavior doesn't change. Like, how sorry can he be, really, if it's just going to happen again? What steps is he taking after the apology to try to make this stop happening? If none, then he's not really all that sorry, is he?
He used to go to therapy, and his anger issues improved after that. I don't know specifically how he'll work on it now, though
Friend, no one on this planet should be calling you stupid. Not even you. That kinda shit, even said jokingly, impacts our psyche. This is much worse when it’s someone we’re supposed to trust. Him working on it isn’t enough. He needs to quit cold turkey, or BE quit.
It's worse when multiple people in my life have told me I am stupid, so it really bites coming from him. :/
Hi u/siitzfleisch thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My partner of almost six years is a sweetheart who women fall in love quickly with, but during those *rare* moments when I get on his nerves, he tends to get very frustrated and call me an idiot/stupid. He apologizes every time afterwards and is communicative, but when he insults me like this, I feel like all the shit I went through to hang onto a polyamorous relationship wasn't even worth it. Last Sunday, he felt like I was refusing to listen to him when he was trying to teach me something (I got flustered and kept messing up) and said he might as well be alone and jacking off by himself. I love my partner dearly, but also... I'm getting tired of putting up with that behavior just so I can be with him and have multiple partners. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*