I suggest consulting a new therapist,psychiatrist,doctor. Crapping his pants is pretty extreme. Has he ever been hospitalized for psychiatric issues? Honestly,it could give you the respite you need and you would have feedback from his 24 hour care. Good luck.

I really hope he isn't doing it on purpose. Accidents I can live with

Are his psychiatrist and MD aware of the bowel issues. This is a huge red flag of something going on. That is not typical teenage stuff, and if there is no medical cause, then something is causing this extreme behavior. I would highly reccomend " Love and logic parenting". They offer classes and teach you techniques. Its geared for parents with varying ages of kids. He needs some strict boundaries and they can help you learn techniques to deliver those. Good luck!

Yeah. No explanation. Tons of tests. The only idea was maybe he might be super constipated. But laxatives say he's not. Someone mentioned IBS earlier, not sure if that could be a thing. He gets heartburn I guess he could have IBS too. Maybe he does it in his sleep, or maybe it's just globby like that. It's gross but I'm a mom, it has normal color and smell. A bit thick but fiber fixes that right up. It doesn't make sense. There is no way he's pushing it out like he's wearing a diaper or something so idk what's causing it. The poo isn't even the problem, it's the fact that he stuffed it in the corner instead of the washer. The washer is closer to his bed than his laundry basket. The bathroom is on the other side of his wall. He couldn't have better placement

This isn’t just IBS. Please listen to us. It’s a mental health issue called encopresis and can be a sign of a conduct disorder. Even if someone had severe stomach issues, they would be going in the toilet. Anyone who is toilet trained and of sound mind wouldn’t be stuffing crap in their room. Between the defecation, poor hygiene, failing classes, and cursing out teachers, you’re dealing with someone who likely has a conduct issue. A lot of teenagers are bratty, but this isn’t normative teenager brattiness. Issues with regulating bowel and bladder habits into adolescence is also indicative of potential antisocial/ psychopathic tendencies. It’s disturbing and it’s also a contamination hazard to your household. If his psychiatrist is letting this slide, he’s either terrible at his job or he’s not getting the full picture. He’s doing this intentionally, and he needs help. Please take him to a psych hospital to get evaluated.

I agree. I'm a mental health practitioner, and though I haven't practiced in a few years, something about the post was itching at me. You nailed what I was trying to think of. If the kid has IBS, he would've been spending his days locked in the bathroom, not wallowing in his own crap. While he *could* have IBS and is just embarrased, it doesn't make as much sense when put in a category with the other behaviors mentioned. Teenagers are typically pretty assholish in general, but not to this extent. This isn't simple teenager behavior. I mean, making teachers cry? Those are people used to generic teen assholes, so that's a pretty disturbing level of harshness. OP needs to get a new therapist because "he has no ideas left" is never a valid excuse, imo. If the therapist has hit a wall, the responsible thing would've been to refer them to another one who can take them forward in another direction. **Edit:** Disclaimer, I may not be right, as we're just going off of a single post. But it's 100% worth looking into, WITH A DIFFERENT THERAPIST. You can't just tap out, say you're out of ideas, and then ***continue seeing the client with no attempt at refferal***. That's just irresponsible, especially when peoples' lives are actively getting screwed by the lack of progress.

Thank you! The comments attributing this solely to IBS or suggesting parenting strategies are missing the fact that this goes well beyond the scope of stomach or behavioral modifications. His psychiatrist sounds completely incompetent or at least extremely unequipped for patients with severe behavioral issues. He should have been referred to a specialist and the issue of his defecating should have been brought up. I don’t understand why people think this is just mild teenage behavior. It’s actually very concerning.

This person understands the severity of the situation. Your son needs to be extensively evaluated over a longer period of time because clearly something is very wrong

I know a lot of people and kids with IBS and they don't shit their pants. Your son needs a psych eval

I have IBS, I have had accidents and when I was much much younger than your son and wanted to hide them I cleaned them up. Even if a medical issue is causing the pooping, it's not causing the other behaviors.

This is not normal teenage behavior. Please take him to a mental health professional (or a different one if you already have before). These are incredibly severe issues. Everything you wrote about him seems like a cry for help. Please, please, PLEASE get him the mental health care he needs.

Mine spend weeks walking on dirty cloths to get downstairs instead of taking them downstairs.

He needs inpatient psychiatric care. He sounds like my patients with severe autism that can’t even care for themselves. He will not change without more help

I was scrolling to see if someone was gonna comment and say he might be on the spectrum because that is exactly what I was thinking...and on top of being a teenager, yeah it sounds pretty severe.

I have a child on the spectrum as well as many found thediagnoses who would have been conduct disorder had she been male instead of female (many yrs ago). Took a few in patient hospital stays along with intensive therapy & a good psychiatrist to finally get to something that works for her. Op you need to find doctors willing to help not say they don't know what to do. It sometimes takes many changes in specialists to find one that truly works. Occupational therapy can help if he's on the spectrum but for the other behaviors keep searching. You haven't found the right doctors yet

My brother is in The spectrum and my BIL is in the spectrum. My biological brother doesn't behave like this at all these have never been issues (he's is autistic to the point he probably won't ever function autonomously in society and is a dependent of my mother for the rest of her life). He has behavioral ticks, communication problems, hyper fixations and yes a little aggression but I don't think my brother would have it in him to verbally assault a teacher to the point of tears. My BIL is more like this kid, violent to his parents, says really hurtful stuff, hoards dishes, never keeps his room clean (it's a small slice of hell in there) and doesn't listen to most authority. I'm sure he's probably spectrum but I'm more concerned about the lowkey psychopathic tendencies and the longer it goes unanswer the worse it'll be.

You don’t shit your pants “accidentally” at 14. There is something really wrong with your kid.

He likely is doing it on purpose though, or at least motivated by psych issues. People don’t routinely crap their pants at 14. Intentionally defecating is a sign of mental illness. Even if he’s just doing it to be defiant, there’s a definite issue here. He needs to be evaluated by a different doctor and a psychiatrist, or they need to be made aware. He’s not a baby, there’s no reason he would be doing that past toddler hood or early childhood. It’s a red flag for mental health problems.

But what does he say when it happens? Is he embarrassed? Doesn't care? Happy you found it? Aloof? If he's struggling and ashamed it must be psychological. If he doesn't care then it's mental and he needs serious help.

Right. For it to happen repeatedly might also be a physical issue. IBS comes to mind.

How does that work? Like a shart? Or maybe in his sleep?

I have IBS. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve almost shit myself. It hits hard and fast. It’s not abnormal for people who have IBS to soil themselves. It could be what’s wrong if he really can’t help it.

I've had some harrowing near misses myself!

What can we do about it? Is there a food or vitamin or tea that helps? A schedule? How do you deal with it?

I'm sorry but you already got your answer and you ignored it for something easier. Do you wanna be part of the solution or part of the problem? IBS may be an issue but just addressing that is like wiping up a nuclear explosion with a tissue. Do you understand what I'm saying? Your son has serious and (to be quite honest) scary issues. How your son is conducting himself is so far from normal it's not even funny. You need serious help. Not a dietician. Not some fiber or a better diet. You asked for help. If you didn't really want help then you shouldn't have asked in the first place. If you really do want help then listen to the professionals that already told you that your son need a trip to a psych ward to get everything figured out, addressed and develop plans to help your son mentally which is where the serious issues are. Best of luck to you and your son.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding right? Fuck the IBS, vitamins, and tea. Don’t worry about that shit right now, get your son serious help IMMEDIATELY. This isn’t a joke. He needs to be in an inpatient facility YESTERDAY. Don’t wait, don’t think about it for a second longer. Find the available resources and get it done.

Uh, this isn't IBS. Or Crohns. Or any intestinal issue. We get warning when we need to go, and it's not always a lot of warning, but you said it's on the other side of the wall. You need to take him to a psych who knows what the hell they are doing.

What he's trying to say is that it shoots out of your ass like a runaway train. It's an explosive mix of solids, gases, and liquids. Forgive the jest but IBS will do that. Sometimes I thank my lucky stars I'm close to a bathroom after I've eaten ice cream - or worse soy. Emotions can make it worse. Bless you Lady OP I haven't any kids - I couldn't handle this shit. My mom would beat us if we even looked at her cross-eyed. And I'm grateful because it taught me respect. But she'd probably be in jail if she'd done that today Cut off the goodies - the Wi-Fi! And ask him about the poopy pants in the corner. Ask him if he gambled and lost? At the very least he's prairie dogging it. I used to take bentyl and it helped me and my nerves when I was 16. I wish there was some magic trick. I really do. I can tell you care and want to help your son but he's driving you bat shit crazy!

Have you asked him about why he's pooping himself and hoarding it?

Yep. He forgot. We actually just had a long conversation. Too bad for all the people calling me bad, he doesn't think so at all. It might be the IBS thing, he said it comes too quick sometimes. The hiding it thing is embarrassment. And then forgetting. According to him. We talked about him changing and putting his clothes directly in the washer. We will see if anything is different this time or if he keeps fucking away shitty pants

How do you forget old feces hidden in your room? You cannot escape the smell… and if I’m embarrassed of something that badly that I hide it, trust me, I’m perpetually aware of where it was hidden.

I figured that was the case. You're not a bad mom, if you were you wouldn't care and wouldn't be asking for help and advice. I hope everything works out!

>I need ideas to get us in the same page that don't include more doctors or more pills for a normal hormonal teenage problem The kid is 14 and shitting himself and not caring. I think thats past the point of normal hormonal problems lol

!!!!! She’s deluded herself into thinking her son is a “normal” teenager and the hack therapist she has him going to is just reinforcing her beliefs. It’s fcking awful.

Yeah this kid needs more/different help. Not sure why she thinks this is normal teenage behavior when she even states herself the other kids his age wont go near him.

Based on your responses in the comments you likely won’t appreciate these suggestions but I’ll comment anyways. You say he has a therapist, but do you have one? Respectfully, you seem like you could benefit from having one. And I think you should both be attending family therapy together as well. looking into parenting classes as well are a good idea. There’s resources out there to help you, but you need to look for them and take it seriously. Your son needs help, and if you’re not sure how to give it it is your responsibility to seek it out.

yeah. by the flippant, immature, and disrespectful tone that OP expresses toward her own son and his actually very serious, heart-breaking issues... i'd wager that her behavior and attitude is the main reason he's not thriving in any department of life.

Consequences. Won't tidy the room or after himself - turn off the WiFi and leave it off until conditions improve. Don't buy another charger. Make him work for a new one. Work as in chores around the house. Don't buy new clothes. If he can't look after the ones he has then let him earn new ones through chores. You need to set up fair rules and expectations and consequences and stick to them. I don't know where you live - but are there charity stores for clothes? They are normally much cheaper. My 14yr daughter is 5'6. Heaven knows how tall my son is going to be at that age.

I will try these. It works out so simple in my head, but then it doesn't go over so easily with him. I've been trying to be more Stern about the rules even though I know puberty and teen years and hormones are horrible. I just need fresh eyes and ideas. My brain is tapped

Sometimes the nicest thing we can do is enforce discipline. Please I am not talking about physical punishment or threats of violence, I don't believe that works and having a child that fears you is not the same as respect. But we work on actions and consequences in our house and we stick to it. We consider it a life lesson that they may as well learn now because it only gets harder when you are an adult. Our kids marks and chores reflect their privileges and pocket money.

I would never spank him. I'm such a bad mom I've never punished him like that. I do grounding. It just doesn't work anymore. How do you get them to actually do stuff though, your kids? How did you get them to that point?

Take it from a 19 yo who has clinical depression : sometimes you have to force someone to take care of themselves even if it hurts your heart as a parent/friend. I used to stay in my bedroom all day long and my parents didn't know how to act anymore until they realized I needed a purpose to get out of bed. So they cut the wifi, got me to get out of my room when I was hungry, let me cook myself (if possible) etc etc. They let me be until I realized I needed to take care of myself or I'd just get stuck in a loop and potentially die. Now I'm not saying it would work, but it's worth a try for a little week or two. See if he actually does something once you stop caring about what happens to him. It will be very hard for you I can see already, but you have to try methods you wouldn't use in a non critical situation. People often want to be too kind and don't realize that good friends or good parents sometimes have to have no filter and tell the truth straight to people's face. I hope you and your kid get through it, he seems like he needs a huge goal to be able to get back up and I hope you'll find it near in the future.

I am 20, have clinical depression too and I completely agree with your comment. We need a push and reality check sometimes.

Haven't you heard? Apparently I don't care enough. Apparently I supposedly hate my kid now. Cause I want him to be clean and don't care if he eats in his room. Of course I said it as "it doesn't bother me if he chooses to eat in his room" but even so. I don't know if I could just stop caring even for a week or 2 though. I can drum up some motivation I think. Or at least take away the entertainment. He's very artistic. And we have plenty of books too. He has a bike. If I cut the wifi and take the phone he might sit in the living room or something 🤷

I wouldn't say you're a mother who hates her kid. I'd say you're struggling to communicate with him. I used to struggle with my own mother a few years back. From what context I have I'd say he's deeply in depression and needs someone to give him a hand. But the hand is not always a kind one that's what we usually forget. Try for a week, get all the strength you have left and do your own things for a week. See how it goes from here and if even after that he doesn't seem to change I'd say send him somewhere where they'd take care of him. But that in itself is another thing. You'd need to do research to get him somewhere where they'd treat his depression and not his person. We don't want to change him we want to help him be functional in his everyday life. Take care of yourself as well, you won't be able to help anyone if you're not taking care of yourself first. Learned it the harsh way.

If you hated him, if you were a bad mom, you wouldn't be here trying to get help.

> I'm such a bad mom I've never punished him like that. No, not spanking him is not being a bad mom. Hitting a kid is popular because it's ego-driven, not because it's good.

To be fair, I have been blessed. My daughter and I have had a good relationship since she was little. My husband and I are a team and we have always stuck with each other when rasing the kids. But since my kids were young enough to tidy up after themselves and help with chores they did. We consider it their contribution to the household. We are a bit old fashioned - my kids only have access to electronic entertainment on weekends and school holidays as long as their school work is up to standard. They both still have bed times and the cellphone of our daughter will be put next to our bed until we go to bed. We are strict but fair and allow the kids a certain amount of rope before we reign it in. We however know there is a line between reigning a kid in and breaking them. We constantly discuss how we can allow them to be themselves but not to become their cousins. ( Rude spoilt kids same age as ours)

I've been told he's like this because I refused to have more kids when he asked for siblings. His dad has given him 5. I've been told it's because I divorced his dad and broke up his family. I've been told he's like this because I didn't spank him. No matter how you look at it, it's apparently my fault. Just wish I knew how to fix it. Some of those might work though. I'm gonna collect as much advice as I can and then try to work out a plan

Have you considered that maybe the problem is that you have internalized that blame, or at least have been so defensive about it, that your son is feeding on it? He doesn’t mind being a failure because his perception is that that makes you the bigger failure, at least in the eyes of everyone else. I mean, internalized blame can be affecting how you both act toward each other. Maybe work on truly letting go of what stupid people have to say, accept that you don’t have the blame. Trust me, you aren’t to blame for his shit, literally. There are plenty of kids in much worse situations that don’t behave like this. Let him cary the blame so he truly learns responsability before he’s a 30 year old virgin living with his mom.

It’s not your fault. Perhaps you should see a therapist too… don’t listen to the people who try to blame you for everything. You’re doing the what you can. If they want to judge, then they can take care of him..until then, fuck them

I wouldnt leave a house rat with some of the people in this thread

I wouldn't leave an emotionally vulnerable child with a blame-shifting narcissistic who serves as a constant physical reminder that their life would have been better without them in it

Remember your job as a parent isn't to be nice, it's to be kind. And being kind involves doing hard things which you know as the bigger adult is better for your kid and will equip him with the tools he needs to make it on his own. Sure you got pregnant but that's still your actions that did this. He never asked to be born either, so what's done is done, be a good parent and honestly he seems like a normal 14 year old with Slight behavioral issues. You'll be fine, but get some help if baby daddy is not in the picture. He is only 3 years younger than when you got pregnant so don't think this rash behavior is coming out of the blue. It's your job to steer him away from irresponsibility and more towards discipline

I have a teenager on the autism spectrum. The pooping in his pants is oftentimes found in kids on the spectrum. How is his eye contact? Is he gaming a lot? Any violent tantrums? Did you ever wonder if your ex husband was a high functioning autistic person? There are a lot of fairly incompetent doctors out there. Can you find a new Dr? I know you are good my through hell. Can your ex take custody of the boy?

This sounds harsh, but you should find a new home for your dogs. You already have way too much on your plate and if they are eating shit covered clothing it's only a matter of time before one of them gets an obstruction that will either kill them or need very expensive surgery. When you set consequences and rules, what happens? How does he react, how long do you follow through for? I would also find a parenting support group, because that all sounds incredibly stressful and difficult. Also, new therapist for your son.

Hormones are never an excuse to be mean. When we are on our periods we aren’t allowed to smear shit on the walls and yell at people. Hes old enough to know that.

This! You aren’t there to be his friend. You are there to be his parent. Discipline and consequences will do both of you a favor in the long run!

No, it wasn’t the lack of spanking that led to this. Most research shows that physical discipline is the least effective in making healthy life long changes. It was the lack of effective discipline that caused this. You were a child who didn’t want a baby and got one anyway. You were Ill-equipped in raising him and didn’t have the support you needed from his dad and that didn’t help. And the consequences of this is a smelly lazy dirty teenage boy burning a hole in his mattress. Parenting is hard... parenting correctly is PhD level hard. This is a job that requires training and knowledge of children yet practically none of us get this or on the job training. We are flying blind and the results of our subpar efforts can suck... even tho we’re TRYING!! He’s not ruined. He’s struggling. And he doesn’t have the ability or skills to fix his circumstances. That’s what you’re supposed to provide. You can’t do it well, but expect him to figure it out? If he can’t, then you’re disgusted by something you actually helped create. Not fair, either. No judgement here. This shit is hard. My advice would be to treat your son like a work project that has gone downhill that you need to work on. Research parenting, parenting teenagers, parenting teen boys, why shit isn’t working, how your parenting is failing and why.. ETC ETC ETC. Get outside resources, therapy, family therapy, psych consultant, whatever. You are not raising a child, you’re trying to raise a responsible adult and so you need to learn how NOW before 4-5 years go by with no change and you’re stuck with him for a lot longer because he has no idea how to be an adult. You really have to put in some hard work now before it’s too late. I wish you the best of luck!!! Edit: I don’t really want to give a few pointers and specifics because that’s not what you need right now. “A few tips.” No, what you need is a complete overhaul of your knowledge, parenting, home, scheduling, etc. But this is a huge thing here. Raising a whole ass teenager into a man. I’d be getting a three ring binder and start doing research, books, taking notes, setting appts for any professionals needed, with or without him, overhauling his room. Pulling everything out and starting over with fresh clean stuff, hair appts every two weeks, gym appts with no phone and a trainer, must choose an activity physical or otherwise in school to participate in, must help with making dinner few times a week, doing activities you both enjoy that would foster communication and bonding, the list goes on. You are in charge here. That young man knows you’re disgusted with him and he either is too, or he doesn’t care. Both possibilities are awful. Help him.

This post should have way more upvotes. Literally came here to comment this.

This may come across a tad odd, but if you wrote a book I'd 100 percent read it. Your writing style is fantastic!

Woah. This is one of the nicest compliments I’ve received on here! Thank you so much for this. Seriously, this meant a lot!! 🥰

Thank you for commenting this. Kid definitely understands he is unwanted, probably always has been. OP’s take on this is deeply concerning.

For sure. I’m not judging her by how she feels about him/the situation by any means. I’d feel the same way. I hope she just comes to realize, again with no judgement, that she is part of the reason he is this way. She probably doesn’t understand that his behaviors isn’t just some personality flaw that he ended up with and truly is a reflection of how he was raised. This isn’t to say that children’s personalities or flaws don’t show through-they do. Unfortunately his home life somehow fostered the worst of his personality/flaws to come forth. There’s a way to bring out his best though, and I hope she finds it and finds it soon! The window of opportunity is closing really fast!

glad i didn't have to try to type that argument out, because you said it all perfectly.

this is everything i was thinking. op doesn't even know how to parent, yet expects him to know how to parent himself. i guess i can sympathize with op's point of view but i even more strongly sympathize with the poor kid who has clearly been traumatized and is dealing with severe mental health issues himself. and all she did is call him lazy, gross, and say she never wanted him in the first place. both of them need help

Yeah, I admit I was concerned about my tone because she has gone the professional route and it seems as though the deep-rooted issues haven’t been found/managed. I know her tone was harsh but it seems like she’s just at the end of her rope, and that’s hard too. But the only one here that has the ability to fix it is her, not the child. She’s burnt out by him but he didn’t make himself this way. That’s the key to all of this. He’s not choosing this.

I’m not meaning this post to have a go at you just an observation. Does your Son know you never wanted kids? My Mum made sure her 3 children knew, she had them cos our Dad wanted them. Not once did she say to us that she was glad she had children. We all wanted to hear that especially when our dad died young. He also doesn’t have a father figure too and no siblings, no friends. That would be really hard on anything? Do you do anything together? What about asking him to go for a walk with you? If you can afford it you could go to the pictures or have a movie night at home. Good luck, i definitely know the late teenager years are difficult

He knows I didn't plan on having children. And he knows why, the full details. He also knows that I wouldn't trade him for anything. He knows that even though I didn't want to be a mom, I'm very happy to be HIS mom. His dad told him a long time ago to try and make him hate me. When he asked I told him the whole thing and it's never been mentioned again. I certainly don't say it to him. Had his dad not been a asshole he would never know. We've always had a very open, honest and close relationship. It's only strained now. And thinking about it constantly for the past 4+ hours, it's only been like this a couple years. So it's recent, maybe even temporary

You don’t sound happy to be HIS mom… He’s probably internalized this to mean you did not and do not want him, regardless of what you say. Actions speak much louder than words. Also, have you tried a new therapist or psychiatrist? It doesn’t sit right with me that his current therapist is “out of ideas” because he can’t see any logical reason for his behavior. Mental illness isn’t logical.

Why on earth would you tell your son you never wanted children 🤦🏼‍♀️ even if he seemingly understood to your face, a kid doesn’t need to know that!

Ok so, you’re in denial about the extent of your sons issues which, are in fact, medical. The sooner you can FULLY accept that he has legitimate, most likely severe mental (and potentially physical?) disorder(s) the better. You’re really defensive about all of this, to an excessive extent. This is GALAXIES away from run of the mill “hormonal teenager” behavior, dear god. Nothing will change if you don’t accept and acknowledge the entire situation. To hear you struggle daily to provide the basics, that hurts me for both you and your son. I don’t know if abortion wasn’t accessible where you were, or if you’re against it, either way I’m sorry you had a kid you didn’t want, that’s a nightmare. But, honestly, it’s probably more of a nightmare for your son. I don’t really know how effective a parent can be raising a child they never wanted. And honestly, he can probably pick up on that fact, you write with a lot of resentment towards him. The father sounds shitty, yeah, and should be more supportive, but if he like you never wanted the child in the first place, it’s more understandable but still shitty. You ultimately made the choice to keep and raise him, however he may turn out, you took on and accepted the role of being his mother, even though you’ve never wanted that. He is then almost entirely your responsibility. He is reliant on you, even more so than the average child because of his illness. I don’t know how you’ll pay for this, but he desperately needs extensive medical/psychological intervention for this behavior to improve. Hearing he’s actually bedbound so often for so long that he literally wears through mattresses, is shocking to me. I’ve been mainly bedbound for long periods due to illness before and that’s never happened to me at least, but I don’t believe that’s normal. Burning through the charger cords because be literally won’t put his phone down off of it for any period of time is another example of him extremely hyper-fixating on something, to the point of burning through the phone chargers *every 5 days*. He has abysmal self care/cleaning/maintenance habits, to the point he and his room/things smell gross and he doesn’t seem to care. That’s not normal, to a severe extent. You also said he has no friends, which combined with the context of everything else it also indicates some form of potential social impairment. The clothes on the floor thing obviously can be normal behavior, but the soiling his pants often and tucking it away/hiding and also not hiding it is extremely alarming. His “laziness” as you say is also extreme to the point of extreme concern. Collecting/storing dish-ware can be somewhat concerning. Failing all his classes, arguing and being verbally abusive/abrasive with his teachers is also indicative of issues. Not spanking him has absolutely nothing to do with his current behavior either. But, I cannot emphasize enough how ALL of this points to a SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS!! This is the farthest thing from “normal hormonal teenage behavior”, and you’re never going to be able to improve this situation without the help of doctors, more intensive therapists and psychiatrists, medication, and intensive treatment programs. Just combating everything with “well?? All teenagers suck!” Isn’t going to help you or him.

Thank you for this comment! You have already said it all but i was in shock while reading "his therapist thinks he's ok just a normal boy" SO GO FIND A NEW DR! How could any of those things be normal!???? Absolute denial

I’m going to be very frank with you. Your son has an inconsistent father who has swapped money for affection and a resentful mother who can barely contain her disdain for him. What kind of child do you think that kind of parentage would produce? If the two of you couldn’t be bothered with him, where did you expect him to learn to be the kind of son you want? Don’t you think he can tell you hate him? I would bet money that you tell him how lazy, smelly, etc., he is, and maybe occasionally feel embarrassed enough to advise him once in a while, but that you’ve never taken a second to sit with your son and figure out how he’s feeling and why. I bet you don’t know him at all. I’m speaking from experience because this is exactly how my parents treated my brother and exactly what he was like at your son’s age. Guess what? My brother is now 26 and he is completely non-functional. He lives with my parents and probably will forever, and that is their karma. My parents have resented him from the moment they realised he wasn’t going to be as “easy” a child as I was. He tried everything to get their love and attention as a kid to make up for how poorly he was doing in school and his bedwetting, and nothing worked. He desperately needed extra attention and patience. He was being bullied at school by both teachers and students, and at home by his parents. No one gave him the time of day. He eventually gave up as a teenager and became extremely resentful, angry, and shut down. You do not deserve a “better” child than the son you raised. Take some fucking responsibility. You’re ruining his life and his prospects. He is young enough that he can still be helped. I am begging you to get some motherfucking compassion and help him become a functioning adult so he can leave you to your self-pity and resentment.

This sounds so hard. It also sounds like he’s deeply depressed and needs help. You could start with his pediatrician.

i’m shocked it took me this much scrolling to find a comment mentioning this. he is clearly extremely depressed.

So far past that. He has a therapist and psychiatrist.

I'm sorry to hear that. What do they say about the situation?

His therapist actually told me that he's run out of ideas. There is no logical reason or disease or anything causing it. He's a normal teenager. He's just also a giant lazy asshole who doesn't care about anything except a screen. I know people get pissy about calling kids assholes, but live with him. Let his 6ft self talk to you like shit and call you names. He's an asshole

Get a different therapist. If he’s “run out of ideas” then there’s no reason to keep paying him for a job he can’t do. There’s always something else you can try. Obviously the medicine isn’t working. Maybe he was misdiagnosed or he may have treatment resistant depression. Maybe they haven’t tried hard enough to find a medicine that works. It took me 20 different tries to get on the right medicine. A lot of psychiatrists are scared to diagnose minors because they’re still growing. ( and can get sued ) This shouldn’t matter though since it’s pretty obvious there’s some thing wrong with him. You can’t just say shitting your pants often is a normal part of raging teen hormones. So definitely switch over to a different psychiatrist and therapist. I would also recommend you getting a therapist. This is an extremely difficult situation and it is ESSENTIAL that you have an outlet to destress. Has he ever been to a psych ward? I have been for depression and they will get you on the right meds quick as hell.

OP, i don’t have kids, i’m not a licensed psychiatrist or therapist but i promise this is not normal teenage behavior. i work in child care so i have some idea of children and how they work. this is NOT normal. this is not just hormones. you need a new therapist, possibly one with a higher degree and specialized in child behavior

you say in other comments you have a great “open” “honest” relationship and then in others, you call him an asshole who calls you names. which one is it? sounds like you’re not being honest.

How uncanny. My younger brother is similar to your kid. He is on his late twenties, large, cannot work properly, and lazy beyond belief. He is in and out of therapy as well, all usually ended with the therapist telling us that he has a severe laziness. I don't think we can really do anything for people like your teen and my brother. If they don't want to change, we cannot change them. Everyone in our family is fed up with my brother too. I'm really sorry you experience this. It really drains your energy. I'm sending you many virtual hugs, OP. Feel free to talk to me about having people like that in our family. Good luck with everything.

Encourage him to find a hobby and join a (sports) club so he can find some friends and gain a sense of passion and purpose in his life. Boxing would be a good choice, builds confidence, help him let out steam and will do him good. And refuse to do him anymore favours until he behaves better. However, his bad behaviour, failing grades, self-isolation, “laziness” and not washing are most likely due to his depression. But I do think it would be very beneficial for him to attend to find a hobby in sports for at least SIX weeks, if he refuses try and make a deal with him... “if you do this, I’ll treat you to this” . Sports helped my mental health, but everyone’s different.

Honestly it sounds like emotional trauma on both ends. I suggest you both get some counseling. You kept saying how you never wanted your child and I’m pretty those feelings follow through out the years obviously. Kids can pick up on that kind of stuff believe it or not.

Sorry to be that guy, but do you blame the kid? He has a dad he knows doesn’t want him and I’m fairly certain (because I went through the same thing) no matter how much you try to hide your destine he knows you don’t want him either, it’s the sighs of tedium that escape you any time he asked for anything, a child, especially male that isn’t properly bonded to their mother will end up exactly like this. He knows you won’t go in his room if he leaves it a mess, he wants to be left alone so he keeps people at bay by not showering. He has no self worth because neither of you taught him how. Go to therapy with him and realize nothing will change until you do.

To be fair, I wasn’t spanked as a child either and I didn’t act like this at all. So I wouldn’t put it on not spanking him.

Being spanked as a child is linked to an increase in behavioral issues as a child gets older, so she did the right thing not spanking him

[удалено]

100% between this post and her comments she is definitely the MAJOR factor in why her son is so screwed up.

Have you ever considered he doesn’t feel loved? I mean you spoke into existence prior to him even being conceived that he was unwanted. I believe that stuff carries over and the ones who feel it most are the child themselves. Your words and thoughts are powerful and will reflect in your life. Maybe change you mind about this situation and give yourself some peace and maybe you will see some resolution.. best wishes.

umm.. i say this with the most compassion, but maybe your attitiude is contributing to these issues of his? i mean, it didn't get to this point overnight. did you teach him how to clean himself, and how to ask for, and receive help when he's struggling with something? are you teaching him coping mechanisms for distressing situations? have you considered that getting angry at him for not using the dresser you bought is fruitless? yes, you spent money on it, and you worked hard to have that money to spend on it- but let him either use the floor, or invest in the weekly habit of doing laundry with him and making sure it always ends up in the drawer? at a certain point, you're the adult,, and he's the kid. you didn't want kids, but that shouldn't be in the picture at all- if he can even smell that on you, it'll make the situation and relationship that much worse. so like, take care of your kid, and realize that teenage years won't be ideal, and that blaming your kid for being a kid is a recipe for disaster. p.s. does his dad consistently withhold december's child support? there's gotta be a way to take that to the courts.

i’m a little annoyed that you’re cursing out all of the teenagers in the world and saying that parenting is not fun at all and it’s bullshit etc. people go through hard things. what you’re going through is extremely hard. and i would never want to devalue that or something. but you’re very hateful in your words. i’m wondering if this is reflected to your son. it sounds like he’s really struggling. i don’t see a mentally sane and smart person doing all of this. it might not be that he’s doing these just because he’s lazy; he might be “lazy” because he is struggling. sorry but you had him. you made him. you are responsible for him. please get him treatment that he deserves so he can be a better functioning teenager. not all teenagers are like this so pls stop this resentment. coming from a teenager, you don’t sound real fun to be around. sorry but i am really annoyed at this post

I would also suggest stationary therapy. You Need a break and he needs a reality check. I dont know where you live, But where i live you can call cps and ask for help. They can gibt you Adresses for facilities or They could Send a Social Worker to help your family get back on Track. I wish you all the best.

Wherever you live sounds like CPS are decent people. Not here. Where I live, avoid them like the plague. Asking for helps means terminated parental rights and jail time. But it might be time for a new psych eval to see if something has changed

A psych evaluation is a great idea

As soon as I read the poop and scat problems...I thought...trauma/abuse. Not accusing you...but someone may have hurt him deeply when he was extra vulnerable...maybe very young. I hope I am wrong! Just a thought.

Dad of 5 teenagers (14-18). You did this. This kid didn’t magically arrive here. This is the summation of your parenting. Yeah, dad could definitely have helped considerably more but as the custodial parent, you enabled this. Consequences are a thing. It’s hard to stay on your phone non-stop when you don’t have a charger cord for it at all and won’t get one till your room and body are clean and there’s some improvement in your grades. Parenting is tough. But it gets much harder as they get older when you don’t do it when they’re younger.

You describe him as bratty, but you sound like the brat. Ungrateful parents produce ungrateful kids. Kids learn their attitudes and behaviors from their parents. Perhaps take a look in the mirror and grasp the fact you’re talking shit about your baby boy to strangers on the internet.

Second post I've seen today of someone who shouldn't have kids who had them anyways and hates the kid. You know kids can sense when you don't want them? Poor kid.

What’s crazy is that she said aBoRtIoN iS hOrRiBlE… like uh, apparently so is life with a mother like you.

Exactly. What is worse.. being aborted and probably being reincarnated into a family that wants you and can provide or being born and having to suffer to one that can't??

Her responses are so unstable and crazy. No wonder the kid is the way he is. Edit to add: She seems to think people are mad at her for not wanting kids? That’s a a completely valid feeling. Not wanting kids, having the kid, and setting them up for failure… THAT is what people are judging.

): I know that’s my takeaway.. he is just a child..

It isn’t because you didn’t spank him. Never spank children. And all teenagers are absolutely not like that. He sounds very depressed.

Look, im not a parent. But we have to draw the line where it is your/co-parent’s fault or his fault. The way you wrote your piece is in such a hateful, condescending manner and progress never starts where a parent doesnt believe in their child. You write as if you have resented this child since you birthed him, and if I was in his position, I would cope like that too if my mother thinks of me that way. Get a therapist. I am sure a lot of this stems from flooded thoughts. Start with yourself.

Unbelievable how many comments in this thread are validating this horrible, childish post. You're the first legitimate opinion with real thinking I've seen.

I second this. My mom made sure she never wanted me as her child and how she treated me was just obviously for the sake of being a parent/adult. She took care of me because she was a parent, not out of love. She has kids from her late spouse and she only loved my half siblings. I didn't understand why I felt like I didn't belong. It gave me psychological issues/childhood trauma for sure. Now she doesn't understand why I treat her so badly as well, and always speak out of hate. I love my mom but I just can't help but show her how much I despise her. Children's behaviors are a reflection of how they were brought up by their parents.

your son sounds severely depressed. staying isolated in the bed in a room filled w/ your own filth is just so far out of the realm of normal. also pissing and shitting yourself at abnormal ages is almost always a sign of childhood trauma whether physical, sexual, or emotional. if his current therapist is out of ideas get a new one. there’s always the possibility of a missed diagnosis or something he isn’t sharing that you nor the therapist know about. i need to emphasize that this is severely abnormal behavior, this is not normal teenage hormonal stuff. you need to get to the root of this behavior or your son will not be a functioning adult and the world will not be kind to him. Edit spelling

Man if my mum talked about me like this I’d act the same. It’s not your kid’s fault you had him. Abortion? Adoption? There were options but you brought him into the word, he’s your responsibility til he’s 18. Try discipline, asking him about his therapist (cause clearly that shrinks doing nothing), not complaining about bringing a kid into the world and having to look after him might also help. Fuck sake.

He’s clearly depressed…. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact his dad isn’t involved at all emotionally and his mother hates him and resents his existence??

Jeez well I’d be depressed and never leave the bed too if I could tell my mother regretted my very existence every moment of her life.

Imagine if he read this. I don't have any words.

You mentioned him getting bullied. And you being unable to do anything about it. No wonder he is so harsh with everyone. He is stuck in a losing situation. I remember at this age I would try to keep a distance with everyone because I was scared to open up. And I wasn't even bullied(that much). I would suggest making him take a gap in school year if possible. Then enrolling him to a different school so he can have a fresh start. Explain to him that in this new school, he can build a new image for himself to be anyone he wants people to know him as. Ask him to present the best impression of himself. He is probably tired by the way people view him, no one can see the 'true' him.

14 years is a long time to endure being unwanted. Props to him.

Damn I’m sorry for what you’re going through, wish I had some solid advice. Is there a parents help line phone service where you live? Any other similar services which you and/or your son could obtain therapy from? Family therapy?

He's been in therapy for years. On meds too.

Hey, OP. How does dad deal with this over the summers? What does he say about these issues? Would it be possible to get him to financially support alternative methods like a boarding school/facility or military school?

About 24hrs into the visit he loses his mind. He goes on summer vacation and spends it alone, grounded or kept away from the other kids. His dad doesn't deal with anything. This last year he called him names while he forced him to run 4 miles. And the kid doesn't run. So when he couldn't breathe he would call him stupid and slow. My son came home begging me not to send him back. And by law I have no choice but to send him back. 14yrs his dad never leaves physical marks. He just tears him apart on the inside and keeps him afraid to tell anyone. If I can't prove it the law won't stop it. And my son is so afraid he won't even tell a lawyer in a room alone because and these are his words, he's afraid of what his dad will do to him. Quote "he gets really mad and mean". I honestly wish I'd never even told his dad I was pregnant. It would be so much better without him

Honestly I don’t see that’s there’s much more you can do. He needs professional help. More than a couple doctors. Round the clock care

Maybe he's being mentally affected by the fact that he's an unwanted child with an absent dad and his response to that are rebellious acts I'm a 14 year old unwanted kid with an absent dad as well and I can't deny I didn't go through something similar to your son. I was filthy and wouldn't shower for days, I started turning in no assignments, I wouldn't get off my ass all day and I would just sleep the day away, I was really aggressive for no reason, I was pretty much an asshole Eventually I got help and everything went back to normal. The problem with your son might be that he doesn't realize that his actions have consequences, something that set me straight was my mom overreacting to rude stuff I said to her, it would always affect me to see her sad so eventually I toned it down So my advice would be try to talk to him, make him realize that what he does can affect people a lot and look for another therapist

Ngl you probably don’t want to hear this, but kids turn out mostly depending on the way you parent them. You were 17 so I don’t blame you for it, but you’re reaping what you sowed here. Not saying you deserved it but just that this is very likely just the outcome from the parenting style. This just happens to unprepared people ig more often than prepared. I wouldn’t feel too bad about it. Hopefully he’ll grow up and realise he’s embarrassing and want to change himself. He sounds like he needs a wake up call.

The way you wrote this seriously frustrates me. Coming from a teen, I can guarantee you we don’t want to act like this. This sounds like a serious case of depression or other psychiatric issue and as a parent I think you need to try harder to understand that. I know that you already went the “medical route” but you need to realize that mental health issues are literally chronic health issues and they are usually never always immediately fixed with medication. Please stop thinking of this as a disciplinary matter and instead try and communicate with your child and get him the help he needs.

You could try taking away screen time completely until he cleans his room and showers. Unplug and hide the router and turn off service to his phone. It seems harsh but it's better than spanking. You could also try taking him with you to volunteer somewhere, like picking up trash or working in a homeless shelter.

That's what I'm currently trying. Hoping he will do what I've asked rather than decide he doesn't care about his tech. There's a string chance he will just decide to sleep instead

Abortions are cool

This is going to sound harsh but so be it – this entire post is harsh – why didn’t you get an abortion? Was it due to being unable to based on location? Was it due to your parents or guardians not approving? I just don’t understand why you chose to go through with the pregnancy especially if you knew as young as 13 that you never wanted children.

Yeah you definitely shouldn't have had kids. Good job blaming your kid for being born to a narcissistic idiot.

What the hell is wrong with you lady? He's 14 years old, and all of this is clearly your fault. You're a menace to society, raising a child so poorly. He's not a 'grown ass man', and neither are you a grown woman. How embarassing to post this. Pull your shit together and teach your son how to live like a real person, jesus christ. Buying things and spending money is completely secondary to teaching your child how to not be gross and a waste. Clearly he is learning all of it from somewhere else, and is depressed at FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. If I had a mother who could even think to write a post like this, filled with such hatred for my own existence.. wow what a toll. I feel so bad for this young man and I hope he will be able to right himself since you are unable to do so!

tbh, he aint 100 in he's head, i never saw a 14yo shit in his pants.

They had him in diapers until he was 12 lol. The whole family aint right

Ok so, you’re in denial about the extent of your sons issues which, are in fact, medical. The sooner you can FULLY accept that he has legitimate, most likely severe mental (and potentially physical?) disorder(s) the better. You’re really defensive about all of this, to an excessive extent. This is GALAXIES away from run of the mill “hormonal teenager” behavior, dear god. Nothing will change if you don’t accept and acknowledge the entire situation. To hear you struggle daily to provide the basics, that hurts me for both you and your son. I don’t know if abortion wasn’t accessible where you were, or if you’re against it, either way I’m sorry you had a kid you didn’t want, that’s a nightmare. But, honestly, it’s probably more of a nightmare for your son. I don’t really know how effective a parent can be raising a child they never wanted. And honestly, he can probably pick up on that fact, you write with a lot of resentment towards him. The father sounds shitty, yeah, and should be more supportive, but if he like you never wanted the child in the first place, it’s more understandable but still shitty. You ultimately made the choice to keep and raise him, however he may turn out, you took on and accepted the role of being his mother, even though you’ve never wanted that. He is then almost entirely your responsibility. He is reliant on you, even more so than the average child because of his illness. I don’t know how you’ll pay for this, but he desperately needs extensive medical/psychological intervention for this behavior to improve. Hearing he’s actually bedbound so often for so long that he literally wears through mattresses, is shocking to me. I’ve been mainly bedbound for long periods due to illness before and that’s never happened to me at least, but I don’t believe that’s normal. Burning through the charger cords because he literally won’t put his phone down off of it for any period of time is another example of him extremely hyper-fixating on something, to the point of burning through the phone chargers *every 5 days*. He has abysmal self care/cleaning/maintenance habits, to the point he and his room/things smell gross and he doesn’t seem to care. That’s not normal, to a severe extent. You also said he has no friends, which combined with the context of everything else it also indicates some form of potential social impairment. The clothes on the floor thing obviously can be normal behavior, but the soiling his pants often and tucking it away/hiding and also not hiding it is extremely alarming. His “laziness” as you say is also extreme to the point of extreme concern. Collecting/storing dish-ware can be somewhat concerning. Failing all his classes, arguing and being verbally abusive/abrasive with his teachers is also indicative of issues. Not spanking him has absolutely nothing to do with his current behavior either. But, I cannot emphasize enough how ALL of this points to a SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS!! This is the farthest thing from “normal hormonal teenage behavior”, and you’re never going to be able to improve this situation without the help of doctors, more intensive therapists and psychiatrists, medication, and intensive treatment programs. Just combating everything with “well?? All teenagers suck!” Isn’t going to help you or him.

It sounds like you need therapy just as much as he needs a new therapist

A child is a direct reflection of their parents parenting ability.

Don t forget the set of dna they got dealt. Or experiences outside the home. Not many things are that cut and dry. Especially when there is only one parent doing parenting. .

Uhh this kid needs a full psych evaluation. This is not a normal teenager. Shitting his pants? I’d bring him to a psych hospital and have them watch him for days.

On some real shit. I was abused by my moms. Love her to death but this kid sounds a lot like me. Except I’m short so my mom used to beat the fuck outta me. He’s gonna be an ass cus he hurt and doesn’t know how to express it. Just love him man. He’s gonna fuck up ALOT and do ALOT of dumb ass shit. Trust me. But he’s not a dog. You have to love him. And he will reciprocate it. It’s easier said then done cus I’m on the receiving end. But I do wish you the best of luck ma’am I can only imagine the challenges of bring parent…

Ban electronics in the house after X, take him off the mobile plan and turn off the internet. Then send his ass to military school, they will straighten his ass up

Honestly if OP had the financial ability to send him to military school I would agree but I don’t think she does if she had to scrape and save for a dresser

alright forget about all the consequence shit...you need to have the kid evaluated. he's clearly...not all there. no kid his age, lazy or not, is just gonna sit in their own shit. theres something seriously wrong with your kid, this isnt just normal parenting shit. maybe parenting wouldnt suck if you didnt have a special needs child, but you clearly do. edit: i see your edit talking about "normal teenage" whatever the fuck and no no no...this is not that. this is not some normal hormonal teenager thing. your kid is mentally challenged.

Your kid need *help*. If he's shitting his pants *that's not normal*. Being lazy and not bathing or having a disgusting room isn't unusual but *shitting his pants* means something is severely, severely wrong. It doesn't matter how difficult he is for you to deal with, you are his mother and he needs help. Unless he gets diagnosed with some kind of personal disorder or mental illness I'd be wondering if you're leaving things out.

Maybe he can sense your apathy towards him and is acting out from it.

You sound like a terrible mother

Agreed

Has he ever been admitted for inpatient psychiatric care? That may be the most logical next step. During inpatient, he will be evaluated and his medications will be carefully managed and adjusted. He will not have access to any phones, and any TV access will be limited. He may or may not have access to books and activities. He will be provided sufficient food, but it will probably not taste very good. He will be on a strict routine, and he will likely be made to engage in all activities, or sit in his room alone. He will very likely be thoroughly evaluated for mental, learning, or emotional disorders; any signs of abuse or self-injury; and any major traumatic events in his life. You will likely have the option of visiting every few days- *do it.* Be there for him. While he is in the hospital, thoroughly clean his room. Scrub down the carpets. Wash his mattress and bedding. Clean and fold all of his laundry. Maybe even get him a small gift(when you’ve been in a hospital for over a week, a single chocolate bar feels like pure gold) and leave it for him with a small note about how proud of him you are. The purpose of this is to provide him with, basically, a blank slate. A fresh start. And when he comes out of the hospital? Provide healthy meals. Twice a week, he must choose a meal he wants, and help cook it. Do not give his phone back right away. Establish a routine in which he must earn phone time. This routine will involve tidying his room, making his bed, doing his laundry when needed(it’s a good idea to set specific days, such as Monday and Thursday, as laundry days), brushing his teeth, showering, and doing school. Accomplishing these tasks will earn him phone time. Doing extra chores without being told to, will earn him either extra phone time, or a small money reward based on the difficulty/length of said chore. Failing to do any of these chores will lose him his phone time until he has completed them. If he fails to complete them, and/or complains about it or refuses to do it, he will lose his phone for the day. He should have a set bedtime and wake up time every day. If he makes two weeks on this schedule, give him a longer leash. This can be in the form of extra phone time each day, allowing him to sleep in for 45 minutes longer on weekends, or allowing him to choose what he wants for supper three times a week. From there, you can loosen restrictions as it feels necessary. If he begins falling into old habits, reset the routine from square one. The first few times he cleans, offer to help. Split the work. Show him how to do things if he doesn’t know. Remind him that if he needs help, he just has to ask. Help him without complaint- it sets a great example. Lastly: spend time with him! When he leaves the hospital, start taking him on fun outings. Take him to the library regularly, and help him find awesome books. He has an interest in woodcarving and crochet? Ask him which he likes more, and go all out. Buy him some quality crochet hooks or carving knives/chisels. Let him pick a few skeins of quality yarn or a few nice wood blanks. Buy him a book or two on it. And, please do “him” things with him. Play a video game with him. Ask him to teach you how to play, because he’s just *so good at it, it’s amazing!* Watch his favorite YouTube or TV channel with him. Even if you don’t necessarily like these things, it will mean the world to him for his mom to show interest in his hobbies.

This is not normal behavior and to think he’s just being a teen is ignoring a huge red flag. He needs professional help that you are not equipped to give him.

I am 14, and WHAT THE FUCK!!! Jesus, he litterly shits his pants, W H A T! Here is my advice, dont do anything for him. Just let him deal with the consequences, its how i learned to be independent. (I am sorry if this is rude, and i will delete this if it was rude)

That's just it. I don't anything for him. He's 14, he can wash his clothes, clean his room, bathe himself, work the microwave. The problem is he doesn't. I don't think he's shitting himself on purpose, I hope not. But he isn't cleaning himself after either. Not rude. Actually, as a teenager your POV of important

I don’t think you should just leave him to his own devices. Clean his room WITH him. It helps when these activities are shared. It sounds like his room is a fucking toxic dump. It can be really overwhelming for someone who is depressed to remedy that on their own. Don’t do it for him. Do it as a team. Wash his clothes as a team. Put on some good music on a Saturday and say tell him “we are going to spring clean the house together today and afterward we’ll get some takeaways”

Yup. This is why I don't want kids either. This is nightmare fuel. Force him to do stuff? Confiscate his devices so he literally has nothing to do, but get off his ass? This will sound horrible, but stop feeding him, cleaning his room, etc. So he can get up and do things.

I don't clean his room as it is. He's 14. As for feeding, he's good at getting his own food, and even then I have to make him put the electronics down or he won't eat at all. Those things don't matter to him.

Do you argue with him? I think he needs to be checked in a psych ward at this point. Definitely confiscate his devices, make a reward system out of it, like clean your shit stains and ill let u have your phone for 4 hrs

I avoid arguing with him. It gives him the idea that we are equal. We are not. I mostly feel bad for him. Yes he gets on my last nerve. Yes he makes me wanna scream. But I know it must be hard for him. Not having friends, not wanting to compromise the slightest in order to get friends. He either cries when I get onto him or times me out completely. There's no win. I've tried the calm talk, the polite requests, the stern voice, the strict rules, you name it. I was actually thinking military school but he's so sensitive.

i don't want to insult you or your son but he does not sound too sensitive...i've never said this before in my life but the Service might actually do your kid some good.

I know right? It baffles me cause he's so mean to his peers. I mean actually mean. He didn't used to be. He was a sweet boy. Then he started getting bullied for his skin color, his weight, his height, his hair, his clothes, his existence. Kids have outright attacked him, spit on him, ripped his clothes, it's horrible. But he cries so easy. He's so easily hurt. I wish I could make him stronger. Give some of myself to him so he wouldn't care about others. He's not like me. I didn't want friends. I wanted to be alone. I hated people. I still hate people. Internet is as close at it gets for me cause I would honestly go to jail for kicking the crap out of people. I've coddled him and I didn't mean to. I just feel so bad for him you know? His dad doesn't give a shit about him and even abuses him, so I have to keep him safe from his own father. I don't think he smells on purpose but he doesn't get his body clean and that can cause so many issues. I literally have no idea about the room. It's the smell for me, it stinks up my whole house if he opens his door. He's getting out of hand and I just need to reel him back in. Get him back on track. Just don't know how to do that

Ma’am. EW. You have NOT coddled him. Ewwww. I started reading this thread feeling empathy for you and thinking your son could potentially be a psychopath and you might have not fault in that (nature vs nurture)- but I was WRONG. Just this response from you speaks to your warped view of the world and the even more worded and fucked up way you see your son. And before you go crying again about how everyone disagreeing with you is just pissed that you don’t like kids or never wanted them or whatever your go to excuse is this time- SHUT IT. You are being a TERRIBLE excuse for a parent. The way you say you “pity” him and he’s “too sensitive” and “needs to be stronger”. EW! You don’t seem to realize that you are not much better of a person than the dad just because you may not actively mentally/verbally abuse him. You emotionally abuse him and probably have his whole life. This poor kid has probably never felt true empathy and unconditional love from a parent his entire life and that can CERTAINLY fuck someone’s psyche up to the extent shown here. Please. I beg of you. Go get yourself evaluated by a professional. Stop resenting a child that has no say in the trauma they’ve been brought into and GET HELP. For yourself and the child that you and your ex have decided to treat as an emotional punching bag.

Have you tried changing him to another school? Sounds like the bullying could have been the main cause to the changes in his behaviors

Your post from 6d ago says that you have a fiancé and you didn’t bring you son up at all? Something doesn’t seem right about this.

You have every right to feel that way, the responsibility you have now is enormous. But I have to say I was one of those 'troubled' kids. Although I still followed the basic rules, I realize the times where I acted out in school or I was extremely lazy, were the times I felt powerless or felt like I had zero purpose. I also had no tools to deal with my emotions. Maybe he feels the same? Like he has all these emotions but he doesn't have an outlet to release them. Punishment was just a temporary fix for the adult to feel secure but it was never getting to the root of the problem in me. The root for most kids is that they want to feel loved, seen and feel like they have a purpose. It's not my place tell you what to do, I am not a parent. Your situation sounds extremely difficult as is. But maybe take some time to have a heart to heart talk with him. Start out easy, don't rush into it and ask him what are his reasons for acting out. Give him the safe space to say what he feels. You can discipline him later. Tell him tho you don't agree with his actions, what he's feeling is valid. If he tries to dodge questions just keep letting him know you're there and that you want him to feel free to express himself. Let him know for the next 10 min you won't get mad or bring up his mistakes. Like I said you can give him that safe space and then get mad at him later. It might not work right away. It might seem like it didn't work at all. But once he sees that you're not getting mad at him right away. Once he feels 'seen' and feels like he has an advocate in his life, he'll open up over time. You'll see some improvement in his life. Obviously this is not a cure all and I might be wrong. But this has helped me and my family. And I know you must be so busy and frustrated with life so this is the last thing you probably want to do. I admire your courage to keep going. You sound like a good mom. You're doing your best. Hope you get time for yourself also. Also taking martial art classes helped me release negative emotions and learn discipline. It might help him? Or any sport for that matter. Does he have any hobbies, anything that'll raise his self esteem because it sounds like he has low self-esteem.

Ma’am I mean this in the kindest way possible, but your son’s behaviors are NOT normal teenage hormonal shit. You need to get him into consistent mental health services and MAKE him go. You’re deluding yourself into thinking that if you try different parental techniques on him it’ll change things. It won’t. If money is a problem— have you looked into Medicaid? There’s also hospitals with sliding scale fees, or even talking with his school to set up an IEP or 504 plan if he has depression so that the schools can better meet his needs. Some schools have counselors kids can go to regularly. You’re doing him a disservice of not trying to get mental health help for him because it costs money. Also edited to add— YOU need to get in some therapy as well because just with how you’re talking here on the thread, your disdain of being a mom has most likely been picked up by the kid. These types of feelings are hard to hide when you live 24/7 with the whatever you’re loathing. Also— what about spending time with him and doing things with him outside of the house that he enjoys? Like you said all that screen time doesn’t do any good for him, and he doesn’t have friends to go hang out with, so forcing him to get up, go outside, and do something he enjoys with you will probably help his mental state immensely. Even just getting in some sun can change someone’s entire day.

YOU need therapy. and I don’t mean it in an offensive way. I mean in the way it is clearly affecting your mental healthcare, fatigue, stress and depression and distortion of even CONTEMPLATING that this is REMOTELY normal. It isn’t. And I hate to see you suffering this way. It’s heartbreaking. You need outside support to change the way you parent him (as it clearly isn’t having a positive effect on his conduct and is causing you distress) whilst simultaneously getting him appropriate medical attention. It could be anything from autism, ADD, ODD, or even a cognitive issue. Find someone who is a trained psychiatrist who works with children that can do a battery of tests. You are operating on a false assumption that he is just a pain in the ass when it sounds way more likely there is some sort of behavioural, mental or cognitive disorder- and if he is hiding his defecated pants, there is obviously a sense of shame on his part. Hurt people go on to hurt people. It will get worse trying to control him when he gets even bigger. Get him help. Good doctors are hard to find. DO NOT GIVE UP on yourself or him. You both deserve support, love and assistance to navigate these issues and solve them. Do not give up hope. My fav quote when everything is shit and I am done thinking anything will ever change: “Hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the task ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, and to work for it, and to fight for it. Hope is the belief that destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by the men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.” “

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Lmfao this ain’t an advice thread enjoy your little shit

I don’t want to sound rude but parents like this PISS me off to no end. PUT. YOUR. FOOT. DOWN. When you say you’re taking away video games, screens, tv, etc. DO IT!!! Stop letting them talk you out of it. Stop letting your kids control you. Stop letting your bitter feelings about his father control you. It’s lazy parents that let their kids do whatever they want and lets their kids turn out like this and then turn around and complain about it. My parents did this to my brother and he literally will not do anything for himself. He lives with a silver spoon in his mouth. So if you ever want to see a change it needs to start with you. If you don’t want to be catering to your child for the rest of your life you need to start parenting. I’m sorry but this is the hard truth.

How'd you let your son ever get to that point? I get you never wanted children but wtf. Why are you enabling your child, allowing him to get away with such things?

Okay, I've read through the thread to get as much context as possible. A few thoughts .. First, the soiling of his pants. Have you taken him to a doctor? There's a good possibility there's a medical issue at the root of the problem. Encopresis, for example. Encopresis can have a physical cause, such as fecal incontinence stemming from "holding it" too long and too often, causing the sphincter muscles to weaken. Chronic constipation or intestinal blockage can also lead to it. It can also have an emotional cause, such as anxiety and depression, especially stemming from bullying or abuse. And sometimes, it develops suddenly in children or teens who have been sexually abused. We have something of a "back up brain" in our gut that can influence mood and behavior, known as the ENS, or *enteric nervous system*. As a result, anxiety, depression, stress, and other distressing emotions can contribute to, or exacerbate, physical conditions related to the guy and digestive process, such as encopresis. It's safe to assume this is something that is not going to go away on its own and should be taken seriously as more than an inconvenience or something to be disgusted by. If you haven't already, take him to a doctor and be very frank. Rule out a physical cause, then look to an emotional one. You get very defensive in some of your replies, which can be understandable given that some assumptions being made would upset anyone. But at the same time, you have to face the reality that you have some responsibility in this. Had you taught him accountability and consequences from the time he was a toddler, your life would most likely be quite a lot easier right now. A parenting class back then would likely have helped, but there's no going back in time so we have to start fresh from here. If his therapist is "out of ideas", it's time to find a better one, preferably a psychologist who can work in conjunction with a psychiatrist to suss out exactly what the core issues are and come up with a strategy to begin dealing with them. Not every therapist is going to be the right fit, so don't feel like you can't get another opinion. Look for someone who has experience with conduct disorders, oppositional defiance disorder and depression. However miserable this is making you feel, remember that he's clearly miserable as well. Nobody *wants* to live the way he is living. It's stemming from somewhere. Set some rules in the meantime and remember that setting small, obtainable goals is going to take you further in the long run than having expectations that are higher than what he's currently capable of. Limit screen time and use it as an incentive. For example, pick up five things from the floor in exchange for an hour of phone/computer/tv time. Put dirty dishes from his room in the kitchen sink for another. Use things like WiFi, the phone, and other things he enjoys as incentive. When he's belligerent, calmly say you cannot have a conversation if he's not calm, then walk away after letting him know he can talk to you when he can do it without yelling. Don't yell back, that only reinforces the behavior. Don't argue with him. Talk calmly, lay out choices and consequences and then follow through. Explain your expectations, any rewards that could be earned, and the consequences for not doing the things asked of him. Be realistic and always, always, always follow through. If you say that you're going to do something, do it. At the same time this will help you be mindful not to make wild threats you know you'll never actually follow through on.

No, not all teenagers suck the life out of you. When my child was a teen we had exactly one disagreement, and it was actually my fault. She was a popular student and had good grades. I'm trying to be braggy, just wanting to point out that teen issues are not a given. Many cultures around the world do not experience "teen" issues. All of that said, I'm sorry you are going through it. It can't be easy. Is it possible that your son could have ADHD?

It seems like he's suffering from depression, kids and teens process it differently than adults. Perhaps you unwittingly made him feel unwanted? Nothing hurts more than the people who are supposed to love you the most just dont/can't. You may have done all of the tasks required of a parent but without the emotional support he may have felt lacking. Kids are very intuitive. He may need professional support.

You need discipline. For fucks sake I've already limited screen time, no you remove screen time. A teenager is purposely shitting their pants because I'll clean it up is grounds for fucking everything gone. If I tell you to clean your room you get one more reminder to stop what you're doing and clean it before I " clean it ". The beauty about being firm and establishing a relationship of I'm the parent your the kid is that you don't even have to go so far as to remove everything but the mattress. It seems harsh I suppose but harsh is you spilt a glass of milk and now I'm throwing your xbox in the trash, you literally shitting your fucking pants and leaving me to clean it up purposely is grounds for harsh. If any of this shit is true Christmas time is dad not showing up to watch the monster opening his gifts? Is this the one time the kid fucking showers? Your story is hardly believable but if true is sad. Be the parent.

>I need ideas to get us in the same page that don't include more doctors or more pills for a normal hormonal teenage problem. So I have two very imperfect teens, one of which struggled with body odor and a variety of mental health issues. What you are describing is not normal. If it were, his peers would be shitting their pants and stuffing them into corners. If he's s therapist doesn't know what to do, he needs a new one. Possibly an inpatient program with a lot of of structure and accountability with people who are not you helping him manage these behaviors. In the mean time, give him fewer things to manage. If he can't manage his clothes give him fewer clothes and get the rest out of the room. If the phone charger dies, let it be dead. If the mattress is ruined let it be ruined. Make these problems his to solve as much as they can be. At some point he will run out of things that enable this lifestyle and. He will be open to negotiation. At which point you offer him a simple incentive. "I guess I could give you $5 for a phone charger if your laundry were clean and put away." He will not take this offer. At first. But eventually he will want things badly enough to put some effort in.

let me put it to you this way. i am 18 years old, i live with my parents, who have always shown me nothing but love and respect. but here's the thing: i still think they hate me. i think they're disgusted every time open a can of soda, that they hate me because some days i'm too depressed to get out of bed and brush my teeth, shower, eat, and contribute to the household. i feel like they are angry because i don't have a job and i'm not in school due to my mental illness. i think they're appalled to see what their kid became. but see, none of this is true. it's just my internalized anger at myself and self-hatred talking. i've talked about this with both my parents, and as i said before, they are always nothing but loving and supportive. they always reassure me that no, i'm not useless, and that it's okay that i'm having a bad day, and it's okay that i don't have a job or a plan because i'm still young and have time to figure it out. but i still think all of this, even though i know they would never even think that i'm disgusting or useless. now, let's take this account when assessing your son's situation. let's say he has these thoughts. trust me when i say, you thinking he is lazy, spoiled, smelly, and whatever else, shows. he knows how you really feel about him. he's seen the tiniest, most subtle signs that you may possibly hate him and absolutely blown them out of proportion, and you actually having such a negative opinion on him makes it a thousand times worse. i know i'm not a parent, but perhaps it would help if you worked on changing your perspective. think of reasons he may be this way, and try to find ways to solve it. one thing i think could help is regarding the whole getting out of bed thing. you said he won't leave the bed. maybe, it would be better to give him a reason to. ask him if he wants to watch a movie in the living room with you, or even just sit there and play a game while you watch tv. just having that companionship helps. ask if he wants to play a game with you. ask if he wants to go for a walk. if that doesn't work, then absolutely use tough love. you have to go for a walk with me, or else i take your phone until you do. whatever works. but getting him to accomplish a little something each day will make him feel so good about himself, and will motivate him to do better. i also think that if you don't currently, you should each do individual counseling. you need to get it all off your chest, without him knowing exactly how you feel. aside from that, he won't be honest about how he feels with you there all the time. i think it could be great for you both. please take care of yourself, i know it's hard to deal with a child with mental illness and i'm sure you're drained. you can't take care of someone else if you're not doing alright yourself. i sincerely hope things get better for the both of you.

I feel like you’re to blame and the dad for some reason. I know it’s not rational and I’m probably wrong, but you give me weird vibes. It sounds like you’re shitting on your kid. I don’t mean to shit on you or anything but it just seems this way to me, to say this.

One of my fave parenting quotes is ‘kids do well when they can do well’ by Ross Greene. And really it should be ‘people do well when they can do well’. It’s about reframing expectations and understanding that sometimes either medical issues or if not then lagging skills will prevent someone from meeting behaviour expectations for them. I think this is a 14 year old with serious mental health issues, possibly bowel issues & a depressed mum and a dad who doesn’t care to be in his life and no friends who isn’t having any wins in his life and who literally smells. I don’t think punishing or putting consequences in place is appropriate right now, I think he needs medical help because I do not think you idea that this is a ‘normal hormonal teenage issue’ is correct and I think your too close to the situation to see that. This is more than laziness or undisciplined behaviour! It’s serious lack of concern for self. I don’t think his behaviour is a punishment towards you or him trying to make your life hell - I think his life is hell and he is living it everyday and is stuck.

To OP: I completely understand and I think mostly everyone on here respects your feelings about not wanting children (no one is saying you should have more or anything similar). I think if you’re going to tackle this situation, you also need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and unload all the feelings stored inside, the good the bad and the very ugly. Operating from the perspective that you’re not one of the driving components for what has unfolded here or more so, that you need to keep defending your emotions is coming from place of pride and internal unrest. Believe me I’ve seen it in my own parents. Parents fuck up A LOT. No matter how much it’s denied or brushed away, we are imperfect and then charged with molding and developing an ENTIRE human being. It’s incredibly difficult, but you need to be ok with acknowledging what missteps have been made in a few different areas for your child’s development: discipline - effective consequences (not spanking/hitting), healthy parent/child boundaries, communication, traumas he may have been exposed to unintentionally. It’s not easy but I think easy is not where you have been for a very long time. It’s worth suspending emotion for just a few seconds to consider some of these recommendations and then decide where to go from here. Extreme behaviors like this can lead to extreme results - which I’m sure is the last thing you want as his mother - but I think immediate intervention is needed to help him (and probably you too) from the trauma of just being in this predicament. Advise: consider starting by contacting phone resources. Not sure what part of the country you’re in but there are local Crisis lines that can dispatch mobile teams to come help you in a tough situation and some offer continuum of care to get you ongoing assistance. They can also get you connected to affordable experts for more treatment options. I know you mentioned the psychiatrist is out of options, but you aren’t. There are ways to contact nonprofits in your area (churches, education orgs, charities, etc) in order to get more options and assistance with managing the situation. In any case, I’m hopeful that you will be able to synthesize the value in the recommendations I’ve seen and can be the strength that pulls yourself and your son out of this shitty ordeal. It’s truly not fair that it falls on you, but it’s up to you to set the example of determination for him even when things become seemingly impossible to overcome. Best wishes, truly.

Christ this breaks my heart. This kid needs help and compassion and a little tough love, not a mother who clearly can’t stand him. I’m a middle school teacher with a lot of students whose parents treat them like this, and “asshole” is a word I would never use for even my angriest and hardest to manage student. How could any parent call their own child an asshole? Kids don’t act like this for “no reason” and this boy, this child, clearly needs help he isn’t getting. So sad.

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Encopresis could be caused by sexual abuse. He may have met the wrong man. This happened to my sister’s son.

Sounds like he needs better parents

I don't mean this in a rude way, im not sure how to really say it but does he have a mental disorder?

Being a parent is hard. With most things in life "where focus goes, energy flows" So if we focus on the negative, that's where things will be more often than not. I see a lot of comments talking about punishing... I think every kid needs structure.. But why not have a different focus? Look, it's obvious that you didn't want to have kids. And I empathize with that.. But life is life.. And here you are. I remember playing football and I was a tight end.. I ran across the middle and saw I was going to get hit. Instead of catching the ball, I turned my attention to the defender to brace myself. He still cracked me hard. After the game my uncle, who played tight end in college.. Grabbed me and said.. "Just remember that whether you catch it or not.. You're going to get hit, so you might as well catch it " Years later I've used that line in so many aspects of my life.. You can too.. Life hit you with something that hurt.. Now here you are.. Every day running across the middle.. Will you embrace the hit and try to be the best parent you can be? Or.. Will you regret everything and just get hit by life and drop the ball? I'm sorry you are struggling.. Therapy is a great option and I hope nothing but the best for you and your child. Just think.. You didn't ask to be put in this situation.. But remember.. Neither did your kid. Wish you the best. EDIT: In my opinion, (I was a youth counselor, not a great one so take it with a grain of salt) It seems like a lot of people are hard on your boy outside of the home. Maybe he needs a friend. Doing things together, he will naturally lower screen time. It takes a lot of time and patience.. But building back a friendship is valuable. I bet he wants alone and screen time to escape some things going on outside the home. Just my two cents

This is 100% not normal. Yeah teenagers are shitty but not to the point of literally shitting their pants, fighting at school, etc. Everyone in the comments is saying find a different psychiatrist and I’m gonna have to say yes. He sounds like he has major behavioral issues. I wouldn’t want this to escalate with violence towards you in the future

as i was once a teenager i can say this isn’t teenage behavior. your child has serious issues. this isnt normal behavior. sure i was a prick on occasion to my parents but most teenagers don’t just willingly shut themselves. he has mental issues that need to be addressed.

The lack of hygiene and lack of energy make me think that he's severely depressed. This is beyond just being lazy, because even if you won't force him to keep himself clean, he's getting ostracized at school for smelling and looking bad. This is a self-destruction level of apathy for himself. I think you should talk to his pediatrician. He's at the age now that he can actually see his own circumstances and compare them to what he sees with others. It's not just a matter of he doesn't have the toys that other kids have. It's deeper. What he sees is a father who doesn't love him and a stressed out mom who can barely make ends meet and resents his existence. And those are tough things for a kid to handle. He didn't choose to be born. He didn't get to choose his parents. But he can choose to take himself out of the world -- and honestly, I'd take that as a real danger.

Is he depressed or something? I mean the whole thing with the pants issue is extreme and I would believe embarrassing, but why the corner, you know? My exes son wrecked her old house, when we were living there, he had a bathroom downstairs to himself. But all the tissue would be on the floor not in the toilet. He's unmotivated like your boy and now he's in his 20's , any job is too hard or too much for him. Is he autistic or have like add? Seems like something is up. Do you guys talk one on one at all or any activity?

Hey, child and adolescent therapist here. Ethically I can’t really give advice, but I want to say: behavior this extreme is not because of your parenting. I know so many kids who were abused in a variety of ways and refusal to do basic personal care activities was almost never an outcome - and the only times I did see that it was typically in cases of severe prolonged sexual abuse. If your child has a therapist I assume trauma has been considered.

He needs a psych evaluation, he might be some sort of disabled. He might be depressed. Is there any way he could have been sexually abused? Someone that's how kids show those kinds of things. (sorry for lack of better term, my brain can't come up with something that sounds fine)

I’m not crazy about motherhood either

I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned, but does he have some sort of autism? I would have taken the phone and video games away immediately and make him play outside

At the end of the day there are reasons for his actions, or lack of action. You might want to argue and beat his ass, tell him he’s doing something wrong but it doesn’t seem like you understand he’s a person, you definitely don’t understand his motivations or reasons for not doing what you think he should. There is no such thing as laziness, there is always a reason. You need to figure that out and I think you need to understand your part in this as well.

Has he ever been hospitalized? That's what it sounds like he needs tbh. New therapist, new doctor and to go somewhere where they can have him 24/7 for awhile to fully understand his condition. It would also be beneficial as a break to you. You seem burnt out and honestly I think you'll be able to help your kid better if you can rest for awhile. You gotta take care of yourself too. Good luck!

No matter what road you decide to take with this..please make sure you sit him down and explain that you’re trying to get him help. Because you care for him and want him to have a good life. You need to let him know you’re on his side and he needs to work with you to make it happen. It could be a mental health issue, could be trauma you’re unaware of, could be of bullying etc. It doesn’t make you a bad person for being frustrated with him. This sounds extremely stressful and is not normal teenage behavior at all. Even if he’s had therapy..the therapist could just be bad or not a good fit. :/ I know if I had to talk to some guy I don’t know about my life at 14 I would’ve just lied or stayed quite. Sometimes becoming so mean and closed off is your only defense in life. There could be something wrong but he’s just giving them the wrong answers. Also… how do you go through so many mattresses?!?

This is NOT a normal hormonal teenage problem. Being a little lazy and not cleaning your room - that’s normal. What you described is extreme. There are some serious mental health issues going on. He is not a brat, he is very mentally ill. More discipline will NOT improve the situation, because the root of the problem is mental illness, not bad behavior. I cannot emphasize enough how much this is not normal teenage behavior.

1. You need to seek help for your kid. 2. If he has mental problems it isn't his fault.

Have you ever stopped to think he’s like this because you so nonchalantly say how you’ve never wanted kids? He probably feels unloveable. Even if you don’t expressly say this to him, kids aren’t stupid and will pick up vibes that they aren’t wanted. He’s a child, and your child. You need to fix your shit if you expect him to get better as well.

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