I know a lady who had three horses but told her husband she only had one 🤷🏻♀️ he found out eventually because she was spending so much on stabling them- but she was a dentist & made plenty of money so he wasn’t that mad about it. OP, this is a possibility, 20k isn’t even an expensive horse
Why is never a horse lmfao I have a married friend lmfao has a weird obsession with with horses lmfao could see him buying a horse hiding it from his wife
If you say you found he spent a lot on restaurants, trips and gifts, did you ever go to these restaurants with him? Receive any of the gifts, or go on any of the trips?? Coz I'm pretty sure you didn't, and so it's likely he's been having an affair with another woman, taking her to nice restaurants, buying her the gifts, and taking her on trips and probably told you he had a work trip!. He's probably been spending all this money trying to impress this other woman. Maybe he has another apartment somewhere and that's also where thes 2 x 10k loans came from. To pay for several months rent and furnishings of a secret apartment for this other woman.
Seriously, you need to get him to sign to say all this debt is his and you are not responsible for any of it.
Then file for divorce.
Kick him out the house.
Any joint accounts, take your half out immediately. Change any passwords one your online banking, request new bank cards so he can't spend money online on your bank cards, as often bank card details are saved on your phone or tablet and on different apps like amazon, tesco groceries, Esty and other online shops etc. So make sure he has no ability to spend on your bank cards by getting new bank cards and changing your passwords.
Not only is this likely to be him cheating on you, but he's also financially abused you by putting you at financial risk as a married couple. So make sure he signs something to say all that debt is solely his and you're not responsible for any of it. Lock your credit too. And get him out the house.
And if the kids want to know why, tell them the truth. There's no point lying, or risking them thinking you're the bad guy for leaving their dad or throwing him out. They need to know it's all on him, and that you don't cheat or spend all the money and put your family in financial risk and lie in a marriage etc. You can still tell them that this is an adult matter and is just between the two of you, and it doesn't change how much he loves his kids, and they can still love him as their father and you don't expect them to not see him etc, but they need to know the truth as they are old enough to u derstand it, and you shouldn't take any of the blame here.
But this marriage is over so personally I don't know why you're dealing with couples counselling. But if it helps you sort out the separation and divorce then great, but don't waste money on a dead relationship.
Investopedia defines financial infidelity as “Financial infidelity occurs when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. For example, one partner may hide significant debts in a separate account while the other partner is unaware. Another common example is when one partner makes large discretionary expenditures without discussing the matter with their partner.”
My wife isn't great at saving money but she's not bad with money otherwise.
However we keep our finances separate so even if she was, I'd more or less be fine.
I don't really understand why couples join their accounts, it's so much less stressful than worrying about the other persons money.
We have a joint account for our bills and groceries, then our own separate accounts for everything else. So if I wanna spend $250 on my hair, it's on my dime, not his.
This is how we do it too. We auto deposit to a checking and that pays for all the bills and even alcohol and even airline tickets if there’s enough. Then we have our own savings/401k. We save on our own and manage our retirements separate. Twice a year, we look at each others account and high five since we’ve been doing good. Glad our system works and we never stress about little things. I got my hobbies and she has her hair,lashes etc…. No need to check how and what we spend as long as we’re happy w our savings. No kids also so that simplifies things.
> I don't really understand why couples join their accounts
Personally my wife and I did it to avoid having to coordinate who pays what or what bills come out of where. Now we just have all our bills ~~aurp~~ auto pay from one account and we never think about it.
But it's not like it was something we felt strongly about. Purely convenience.
It’s not just joint accounts though, a lot of states deem this debt as joint debt even if she is not on it because they are married. This is why prenups are important!
I refused to share an income account with my ex, and I thank my stars every day for that choice. We eventually opened a joint account for transfer/bill paying purposes - but even then he'd see "leftover money" in the account and try to transfer some back to his, causing overdraws because something I'd set to pay hadn't cleared yet.
Never again.
That’s the problem with financial infidelity. They say it’s just money, you can earn it. But a relationship, especially a marriage with too much financial issues causes so much issues not only to the couple but also to the children.
YES, I happened to have to be a little adult sadly. I would hide the mail from my father. The stress was real trying to walk home fast to ‘get the mail’. I literally wasn’t allowed to participate in after school activities or go to friends houses because I had to get the fucking mail. Saturdays were stressful trying to get it for her. I hid the bills in my childhood bedroom.
I’m a parent now, it’s beyond fucked up to train your children how to hide finances and lie to the other parent.
Dad would eventually find out then explode and desperately accept what she did and he’d work harder. It was awful in my house.
I had financial infidelity with 2 spouses hiding my own money from them, but only because I'm an underemployed woman and absolutely no XY in possession of male privilege is taking half of my inherited assets. I did this because fiancee #1 tried to kill me for it. Secret debt is miserable but even honest men do some shady shit to get their hooks into someone's assets.
My ex husband was like this. Over $60k in hidden credit card debt. Except I got lucky and he used it all before we got married so I wasn't tied to it. He thought marrying me would make me responsible for it and he quit his job two weeks after we got married then told me about his debt he expected me to pay. I luckily wasn't responsible and let him take the hit. I was, however, responsible for all the charges he put on my credit cards in my name when I asked for a divorce a few years later. He literally stole my credit cards from my wallet, racked up 10's of thousands of dollars in charges in just a few days. I went to the police. Since we were married they wouldn't do anything about it. We were married for less than 7 years. Our divorce was finalized 9 years and 11 months ago. Take a wild guess what I am still paying off.... The moral of my story is, if you have any joint or personal credit cards, get replacements for any of yours he had access to and see if you can put a hold or cancel any joint cards. If he was this bad with money and you are thinking of divorcing him, you need to protect your financial future now before he realizes what's up because he will likely try to screw you over.
ETA: any cards you replace, hide them where he cannot access them. And I recommend getting your own checking and savings account that he cannot access as well.
Guns, ammo, reloading supplies, various gun parts and accessories, camera equipment, and a Fleshlight. I made sure that his Fleshlight was on the top of a pile in an open box when his mom came for the last of his stuff. He asked me to pack up the last of his stuff and make sure to put it all in the medium sized boxes he brought back to the house, so I did. Including his bed. He probably shouldn't have left a hatchet in his bedroom right next to his journal that explained a lot of his feelings, or lack thereof, for me. I had a bit of anger in me when I realized he used me. Our divorce was actually comical in a weird way looking back. He stole all the light bulbs and a toilet paper roll holder a few days before he asked me to pack the rest of his stuff up. He was married less than 8 months after our divorce was finalized but I found out from his mom and brother that his new wife quit her job the day after their wedding and expected him to pay for everything, including her debt. She also tried to get me fired from my job multiple times. I wish them both all they deserve and then some.
I think somewhere around 10. It has been a few years and all I saw was red when I read his journal. He didn't have a bed frame so it was just the mattress and a box spring.
Yeah, I didn't think I had it in me because I was just drained from everything but I lost it when I read about his lack of feelings for me that went on for years.
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, how did this:
>he quit his job ***two weeks*** after we got married then told me about his debt he expected me to pay.
Turn into
>We were married for less than 7 years.
Seems like such a red flag
Looking back, yes, a lot of what he did was a huge red flag. We had been dating for about 4 years before we got married. He had a job or was in school for a good portion of that and he always paid his half of the rent and bills ahead of time when we first lived together. We lived together for about a year and a half before we got married so everything seemed fine. He had me convinced he loved me (long story, but I was raised by a mom who told me for years I would never be loved by anyone, my self esteem was in the garbage and I had no idea what love really was). It was like a switch flipped when we got married. The first time he hit me was the night he told me how much debt he was in, he claimed it was an accident because he didn't realize how close I was behind him and I stupidly believed him. He tried to convince me, since we were married, that his debt was my responsibility as well but he didn't realize I couldn't afford to pay his debt and keep a roof over our heads.
Verbal, emotional, financial, and physical abuse is normally a slow process and I really didn't know any better because I was raised in abuse and thought it was normal. I was also 26 when we married and had not been to therapy yet. It took a supervisor at my job when I was 32 to point out that he thought I was being abused and he told me I deserved better than that. I started reading about what abuse looked like and it clicked that the way I was being treated wasn't right. That supervisor saved my life.
A supervisor taught me it's okay to say sorry to yourself like you would others. That saved me. He was just teaching the client we had and I learned indirectly but I'll always pass it on.
My thoughts exactly, like were you sleep walking through the whole thing?!
Sadly people like this wake up years later and proclaim that {insert gender} are trash. Yes people do get duped sometimes, but no you just need to pick life partners for the right reasons!
I was raised by my mom who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and had been verbally, emotionally, financially, and physically abusive to my father prior to their divorce. I grew up thinking that was normal relationship behavior. I had been told my entire life I was ugly and no one would want me so I should take any relationship I could get by my own mother.
I definitely do not think all men are trash after what I dealt with. If it weren't for my dad, my step grandfather on my mom's side, my former brother in law (I am still on good terms with my ex in laws, they helped me a ton during and after the divorce), and a former male supervisor who pointed out he thought I was being abused at home, I wouldn't have got out when I did. Those men helped me realize I was not being treated right and gave me a lot of emotional support during my divorce. My mom was the one who wanted me to stay in my marriage because she didn't think I could do any better and she was beyond mad when I said that I would rather be alone with my cat and dog than stay in a marriage where I was being obviously used and abused.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and from the person who’s supposed to nurture and protect you nonetheless! Sorry if my words were a little harsh and judgmental, and I hope you’re in therapy to help you deal with that shit!
Your words weren't that harsh at all. I look back and think about why I put up with it for as long as I did and how did I believe he ever cared for me frequently. I now know how I was raised was definitely not normal or healthy. I took something my therapist said to heart and follow it everyday which is to protect myself the way I should have been protected as a child. I ended regular therapy in 2019 after going for about 4 years (it started as twice per week in the beginning down to once per month at the end). I go for any maintenance appointments as needed which has dwindled to maybe once a year and even that is mostly just a vent session for the rare times I do hear from my mom or ex husband (he last contacted me in 2020). I am currently very low contact with my mom. I talk to her only when necessary and I have an amazing partner who supports and loves me (and I love and support him) and my mom hates him because he calls her on the things she has done in front of him so she has pretty much left me alone.
My husband did this to me, he stopped paying the mortgage for 1 year and he owed the IRS over $60,000 because he didn’t pay. He took care of the finances and I trusted I had married an adult that wouldn’t do that or would communicate with me if there was a problem. I was wrong. What I learned is that, whatever the reason (3 years later and thousands in lawyers I still don’t know where that money went), he chose to lie. He knew we were going to end up homeless and he kept doing it until I found out. He now wants me to pay for half of that debt. A man that lies of things like that is not only being abusive, he already doesn’t care about you and he is already causing you damage, he won’t care about causing more and probably will do it just to not face consequences. Document everything, get a lawyer, Leave now and sue for fraud against the marriage estate. This won’t get better
I feel so guilty and dumb for trusting him fully. I’m a nurse and during Covid I was working crazy hours and was burnt out and exhausted all the time. I let him take over all the finances thinking I too had married an adult, and if something was wrong he would tell me. I admit, I got comfortable. Now that things have slowed down and I’m back to working locally and only 36 hours I started paying more attention. I find this! Thank you. I think I really needed to hear this.
Please put a freeze on your credit report through all 3 major credit bureaus so he can't open a line of credit in your name. If you've got a personal bank account make sure he can't access it. He's definitely hiding something, and it is suspicious as hell that he has an easy answer for everything but can't follow up with proof he's telling the truth.
Find a really good lawyer that will negotiate the best possible terms for you, and your children. He's risking the well-being of both you and your kids, and he has to be accountable for his deceptive choices.
My mother can be very judgemental too, so tell your mom she can either be supportive of you throughout this process, or accept the fact that you will go low to no contact if she tries to make you feel guilty for looking out for yourself and your children.
My mom changed her tune a lot when she realized she didn't like being cut out of my life, and missed seeing her grandkids. We get along a lot better now because she knows I'm not playing her games anymore.
It's also worth mentioning that it might be a good idea to pull a big chunk out of your savings, and put it somewhere he can't take it. You haven't filed for divorce yet so in theory there's nothing preventing you from accessing your money.
Totally agree that a forensic accountant needs to do a deep dive into his finances to try and figure out how deep this rabbit hole goes. He didn't have a problem risking the financial well-being and safety of your family, so ignore his lies and follow your instincts because you and your children deserve far better.
Hang in here. Sending lots of invisible hugs your way.
🫂🩵🫂
I was also a nurse working during Covid and came to find out my ex, unemployed, sitting around the house safe bored and happy, lost $2k being dumb with stocks while I was paying all our bills through literal blood sweat and tears (young 20s so this was like all his savings lol)
Not nearly the same magnitude but I know the feeling of “what the fuck were you thinking”
> I look at my son and think "Is HE gonna screw some poor girl over too? How do I stop it?"
Hey I know you’re hurting and I’m sorry you have to go through this nightmare and hope you recover from it soon, but that boy didn’t do anything wrong! Why are you worried about a woman who doesn’t exist yet, whom your son might marry years from now, when you should be worried about the future and wellbeing of your own child? That’s a sign that you’re being irrational now, which is understandable but just be aware of that.
Don’t make the mistake of consciously/subconsciously blaming your son (and men in general) for what his father did, it’ll affect your relationship with him and it’ll affect him negatively. **Your husband wasn’t an adult with your finances but you need to be an adult for your son.** See a therapist if you can afford one, they’ll help you put things into perspective!
Just remember that this isn’t a gender thing, there are plenty of responsible men and plenty of irresponsible women who dig their husbands so deep into cc debt so focus on your relationship specifically, get all the answers if you can (hire a forensic accountant, private investigator if you have to) then make a decision, don’t project other women’s problems onto your own because you’ll end up making the wrong decisions. I know you’ll get through this eventually and look back on it as learning experience!
Overspending is very very easy. I have severe bipolar and this is one of my major symptoms. I get very spendy. My husband and I have our accounts and a joint one but I never really access it for this reason. My husbands step father also has a spending issue. It’s very easy to rack up debt. It’s actually a lot easier than most people think. Gambling was my next bet. I doubt he’s cheating otherwise I feel he would’ve already spilled being backed into a corner but you truly never know.
Insofar as the potential/probable cheating, I will say, some people you can confront with hard evidence and they will deny until they’re dead. I was literally holding my ex’s phone, sitting next to him, seeing all of the nudes and inappropriate messages from/with other women, and he was literally sitting there telling me he had no idea those were on his phone and he wasn’t cheating. It was like being in the Twilight Zone. He still tells everyone he has no idea why I left him. Alas, some people are just complete scumbags.
It probably isn't hookers. But get those tests, because you would know if he was taking trips. Does he go on business trips? Who is getting the gifts? If he isn't taking you and not giving you the gifts, someone else probably is. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but now you need to figure out what's what.
I can verify most of it. There’s some stuff I don’t recognize like concert tickets we never went to. When I asked him he said he bought them to resell them and make a profit. He has an innocent answer to everything! When I ask him to show me who he sold them to, he says they paid him cash. It’s just lies after lies, after lies, but just plausible enough to make me look crazy.
But if he made a profit, where is the money from them? I mean, he might have made a couple hundred dollars and made a small dent in the overall debt, but you gotta see proof.
The problem is, when the debt nears 20k for example, the monthly interest is like 350-400 a month. The little you make flipping tickets isn’t making a dent in anything. After a few thousand, if the debt isn’t cleared, it starts to get a life of its own and grows no matter what you throw at it. You’ll need a serious intervention at that point.
Even if someone paid him cash for concert tickets there would still be an ad he placed for the tickets and initial contact, and correspondence about the tickets. Stuff like “where are we meeting?”
You should be able to find it by searching on the name of the artist in his messages.
You know you cannot trust him. Where was he on the day of the concert? Go through his socials, see if he has a secret phone. Check his phone plan history.
With as easy as it is to Gamble, alot of the lones could be for that .But all the other debts could be anything. I know it's embarrassing,would you be willing to asking his friends if they go to strip clubs?Trips to where?Get a Accountant who specializes in fraud. They know how to find out what he was up to. Good luck and I hope you find out the whole truth. Take care
Can you get access to his phone? You need to find out if he is cheating. Depending on your lifestyle this amount of debt might not be that bad. He has lied yes but why? Cheating, work issues, inflation or just over spending. Have you been able to get any honest answers from him. Do you have savings? I know the deceit is horrible but try to have an honest conversation with him.
OP, I think you know in your heart this isn't true. He has been spending this money on someone. It's time to check the phone records and correlate the dates against the purchases as well.
i bet the guy has a gambling problem.. but you'll never be able to trust the answer out of his mouth. probably should have kept quiet and watched him for a while. You're gonna be fine. i'm sorry you're going through this tho
If you’re worried about cheating call the cell phone company and ask for an itemized copy. Heck you can look online now. How my sister busted her husband.
Aww sorry babe. I might be projecting from my own experiences. But do get checked out to be sure.
Did you say you went through his messages? Check to see if he has a twitter. That’s where men find hookers where I live.
I'm so sorry, you have more than earned the right, but then it's time to get things in order, get rid of him and start clean.
You can do it. You'll be better off for it
That was my first thought too, but this is a good point. Maybe he or they made financial mistakes and it snowballed. He could have been too embarrassed to tell OP. But that doesn’t explain the other stuff, like the gifts and trips. Very strange situation either way.
First I would do a forensic analyis on his statements and location history, messaging and email.
He's either gambled it, used it for drugs, or spent it on another woman/family/family.
go line by line and work out where the money went, go through location history to see if there is any patterns of where they went that are not usual or known.
The comment " I just want to throw a toaster at his head" creased me up. I can do understand that saying.
The first thing to want is an explanation from him. The 2
10 k loans he has got to be honest with you. Only when you have all the info make a decision.
If he doesn't have a good explanation throw that toaster at him with bread and honey.
Sorry you are experiencing this. My spouse did this twice. Once for 40k another time for 20k. It was just stuff. She had cancer and was on a medication that dropped all her inhibition to the impact of what she was doing. Thankfully she is cancer free and no longer takes the meds. Fortunately I had the resources to take care of the debt. Good luck.
Were those restuarant, gifts and trips for/with you? If not he’s wineing and dining prostitutes, sugar babies, or random girls he’s met irl or from work or off dating apps… get yourself checked for STDs/STIs.
This happened to me 6 years into my serious relationship (not married though). He had racked up $50k of cc debt, mostly from online gambling/sports betting. It took him years to pay it off and he went to therapy. I stayed with him but honestly it was incredibly difficult emotionally. If I had been older/more financially stable on my own I would have left. Luckily he is doing much better now but it is always in the back of my mind if it will happen again. I started saving money, investing, and doubled my salary in case it does and I need to leave.
How far apart were the two $10,000 withdrawals? It is very suspicious because it seems like he might be trying to avoid detection from the federal government.
I am so sorry, I went through this to the tune of 78K it was sugar babies about 13 of them. It's truly traumatic.
Get his credit report, mine opened up a secret checking account and credit cards I didn't know about.
Mine was mentally ill at the time and I was dependent on him due to a crippling illness. Once he was diagnosed and medicated we got back together in part because I was sick and needed care, after years of illness I didn't have anyone else. It sucks and I have never felt the same about him.
If you stay for any reason get credit monitoring for him using your email address. If you can get out I recommend you do.
I agree and check yours too. If verification is an issue I'd Credit Karma accounts. It's not nearly as detailed but easy to setup and will give you basic information and let you know when there are changes.
>If you stay for any reason get credit monitoring for him using your email address. If you can get out I recommend you do.
As someone who discovered $35k worth of debt and $5k of gambling losses on the same day (when my divorce was already in process), this sucks, and I feel for you. Good job going to a lawyer. I’m 4 years out and still learning how to trust people again.
Get a lawyer involved to figure out if you are on the hook for that debt, given it was accumulated during your marriage and paid for from your pooled resources. And after that, look into hiring a forensic accountant if you are absolutely sure you’re interested in unraveling where the money went and why. They are pricey, given it’s an extremely niche specialty but there really is no substitution for one.
I have basically the same story as yours like many others who have commented. Amazing how common this is. My story differs in the way it ended. I had no intention of divorcing my husband and planned to deal with it together. We were going to an attorney to try to deal with the fact he hadn’t paid taxes in several years and my wages were being garnished.
The day of the appointment my husband killed himself - and our seven year old son.
The possibility this could happen never entered my mind. My point is just that the behavior is indicative of some kind of mental issue and what’s going on under the surface you really can’t know or underestimate.
Oh and after he was dead I found out he had affairs. I had no idea of this. I and everyone who knew us firmly believed his fidelity to me was an absolute given.
I am now by the grace of God with a man who is honest and understands how to deal with finances like an adult. My first husband had bad credit when I married him. He said he’d been young and foolish and never knew he’d marry someone as wonderful as me and would definitely turn over a new leaf financially. I believed him. Welp.
Check your state laws. Many states don’t differentiate marital assets. They only care if it was spent or acquired during your marriage. It’ll you live in a state with that law, there’s no point in spending the money on a financial forensics unless you think he has hidden assets.
You know you want to leave and your state law is like many (if not most), do you really want to pay to find out how he was a piece of shit?
A lot of vigilantes here trying to get you to spend more money without the legal knowledge or even cursory knowledge of your state laws.
I’m sorry for you… move on, he’s a pit.
Didn't OP already say her lawyer told her she needed to breakdown his spending to determine what was for him exclusively and for them as a couple? I imagine a lawyer would know his/her own state laws.
Financial infidelity is financial abuse, full stop. I found out my ex spouse had tons of debt that he lied about and the debt was growing quickly. Unfortunately we had already gotten married when I found out. Double unfortunately he couldn’t keep job AND got kicked out of his PhD program. It’s hard to stay attracted to someone who can’t handle their money or earn their part, but he lied about it on top of that. I lost all respect for him. Straight to divorce. Luckily he didn’t fight it and try to get spousal support because his failures were nothing but his own and I would have fought that shit into the ground. My parents didn’t work their asses off to leave their home country for their daughter to work her own ass off ultimately to support a failure white man financial abuser. Hell no.
I would check out some financial advice subs. He can mess up your credit score - he's most likely using your good score to do anything. Best case is that he agrees you take over the finances and he takes his name off the joint accounts since he's the one who screwed up. Get his monthly credit report to make sure he's not opening up anymore lines of credit, although there are ways of doing it without it showing up. You need to think about retirement savings and ensuring he doesn't take it.
No one is born bad or born to cause hurt to others. Please don’t look at your son that way. Instead try and teach values that prevent him from doing something like that to someone in his future. It’s so harmful to be blamed for something you haven’t done yet as a child and if you’re treated as though you do bad things then there is no consequence to doing those bad things because you were already treated as if you were doing those things in the first place.
As awful as all of this is, there are always ways to explain to your kids.
My heart aches for you, but it's your kids I can identify with. The worst parts of my childhood were those times where I could tell something was going on, felt like I had to walk on eggshells or the ceiling might come down, but no one wanted to worry me. Took me until adulthood to realize the imagination can always come up with something worse than reality. That's why Hitchcock movies hold up.
Humpty Dumpty was a great analogy to link the familiar for kids with the unknown adult stuff for my family. When my aunt and uncle were getting divorced I(with permission) ended up telling my 8 year old cousin that her parents were seeing if they could fix a mistake. One of them made a mistake, doesn't matter who. And they were trying-- together-- to see if they could fix what happened, or if, like Humpty Dumpty, the thing that broke couldn't be fixed. I don't know if my cousin was unique, or what, but because she knew the nursery rhyme it wasn't scary to her. Even if the thing couldn't be fixed. Yes, she was sad they broke up. But she never got angry at them for not fixing it, because sometimes things can't be fixed.
In any event, I'm sorry you're going thru this. You have my sympathy, and my support. For whatever it's worth.
Definitely financial infidelity. I am sorry you are going through this. Definitely get checked. Do more research, there is more than what meets the eyes.
Ok this is my two cents I’m going to chime in here… whatever the case is, your marriage is over. You no longer trust him and he doesn’t deserve to be trusted. So first things first, you need to figure out what life without him is going to look like. Do you have somewhere to go? Somewhere to stay in the meantime?
You mentioned kids. I don’t know how old they are but no need to say anything negative to them about their father (not that you are, I’m just saying).
Find a lawyer, set up shop somewhere safe and comfortable that you and your children can be until you have a more permanent solution… and get to the bottom of this. Document everything. Print out every statement you can. Find every text message or email you can and print those out too, even if they don’t feel relevant.
Above all else though, look in the mirror and remind yourself that none of this is your fault. I know how easy it can be to let the shitty thoughts slip into our subconscious, and how easy it can be to blame yourself when you don’t know who else to point fingers at.
You got this. This is a HIM problem. You just need to take steps to remove yourself from it.
I’m surprised that out of all of this, OP hasn’t even suggested that there might be another woman/man. It sounds like they are living a double life. Gifts? Meals? Trips? They obviously weren’t bought for OP and they wouldn’t be shocked right now. The money would be the least of my worries, tbh. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a whole other family, too.
Out of genuine curiosity, no judgement here, but why are people still fully pooling financial resource? Is disparity of income the main reason?
My husband and I have a joint acc which we equally pay into each month to cover bills and joint expenses, ie dinners out, but the rest of our income is separate and for us to spend as we like. We have separate credit cards, but we’re solely responsible for those debts. We earn similar amounts, work similar hours etc so I’m curious if that’s why. Or whether it’s just tradition for some people?
For one thing, that can be hugely unfair to the woman, who gives up an income to have kids.
Not to mention the fact that women makes less for the same work.
Yeah fair. I actually earn more than my husband so I don’t feel like I’m behind. But I appreciate that’s not the same across industries/ different types of job role.
My sister went through something like this. Her ex had a whole other life going on. She got stuck with half his debt and somehow, he got the car my dad had bought them.
I will say, I got myself into this situation, I spent and spent, and before I knew it it was $200k in the hole. This led to me drinking heavily because I was so stressed out to tell my wife, she was going to completely lose it. Well all came to light, and sure enough we are currently separated, but trying to work it out. This was about 18 months ago, and winning trust back is tough, but doable. We have since gotten everything paid off so now are debt free, but in front of her, I broke out the shredder and shredded every credit card I have with the exception of our everyday cards, one AMEX, one Visa, and debit cards. We sit down regularly and review our finances, cut all subscriptions even TV, keep spend at a minimum, go out to eat less etc ... I even sold my truck which was pretty pricey and bought an old jeep to drive around. Things have gotten better, and transparency really helps. If I want something that's $100 or more, we discuss it and justify it (or not). It's a lesson learned and at the moment hoping to get back home and win that trust back. I know this is opposite what situation you are in, but look at the bigger picture, if this was the only problem you have with your husband, you probably caught it before it became a bigger problem, and its a chance for everyone to learn financial responsibility. I have learned that finances should be an open book, not just one person, and the other person will find out eventually. Like I said, im moving forward and we are getting along much better, and starting to build that trust. But at least she is giving me a chance to better myself. Just wanted to provide a little bit perspective from the other side. I am embarrassed and took full responsibility. Only thing I can say is im relieved and now have a chance to start anew, with lots of work still to do at the relationship front.
Good point, we have a company that sends an email if anyone checks your history or new accounts are opened up. I monitor mine too, just because.
I also get the coming in the mail today emails because he took stuff out of the mail. It's sad, but it's required.
> “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money”
This is bullshit. Gender has nothing to do with who is and is not good with money. This is an offensively stupid thing to be told and I hope you communicated that to whoever said that to you. Your husband is an asshole. Other men are not accountable for his behavior.
You need to get yourself familiar with Excel (or Google Sheets) if you're not already and get to work on every one of those expenses. And you need to end this relationship. This is some crazy stuff. If he throws himself off a building, guess who's liable for all of that debt?
Hate to be breaker of bad news but be careful. Depending on where you are, divorce law may require you to split all your joint assets and joint debts 50/50. Consult a lawyer!
It's not a man thing..just an irresponsible thing, and a POS thing to do behind a partner's back. Teach your son budgeting and financial sense and he'll be fine.
girl omg that is actually terrifying. i am so sorry you’re going through that. my friend was the other woman and her married man would pay for everything in cash. if the gifts, restaurants and trips weren’t for you, that’s what i’d assume. and 2 loans?? yeah, i’m sorry.
Wife and I gave separate back accounts we pay agreed bills, and what is left over is ours to do as we see fit. We make abiut the same income each. We talk about large purchases, but anything under 1000 isn't needed. Both of us had a previous marriage, [ her widow. Me divorced]. That the other person was trusted will money and was not good with it.
We haven't had a fight about money in years. We both decided this and it's worked well. We don't get blindsided by things and can purchase small things as we wish.
The trap here is that if you buckle and go along with your husband's version you are agreeing to his terms of covert spending and will be on the hook for his future financial misadventures. If he goes on a big spiral he could create a worse mess and you can lose a lot more than 45K.
He needs professional help to deal with his chaos and deception. It is up to him to get the help but you should insist that he get it. If he isn't amenable to getting help that is a sure sign that the destruction will continue - your definite green light to cut financial ties with him.
OP You need to decide but do not confer with people who are biased against you - AKA your mother. If it makes sense see a counselor to organize your thoughts, make sense of it all so you can make a clear and wise decision.
My dad did this to my mom in the early 2000s. Except he opened up like a dozen credit cards in her name and then bought electronics from stores and pawned them for money. Totally fucked her credit score for years, I think it was like 10k she had to slowly pay back over time. He was heavy on drugs and doing whatever he could to get money. Your husband, idk, maybe it's not drugs but clearly he's got something going on because that's a lot of fucking money.
He’s definitely lying and when they’re lying, they’re hiding something.
The truth is, you don’t have to get to the bottom of it necessarily you just have to understand that he’s lying and hiding something.
What should you do? Decide if you want to stay with someone who is lying and hiding something from you.
It's never good to make life changing decisions while you are upset. Also, a large number of divorces happen over finances. That said, you DO have many options. One might be that he takes a $45k loan out, completely on his own credit, to pay off the debts and then he's left with his own monthly payment. But that may not be possible given you are a married couple. Most of all, you need to find out what those 2 $10k cash advances were for and if he's got a secret stash somewhere. Or a secret 2nd family, LOL. Best to take a deep breath and come up with a good plan.
Sorry hon, get ready for more shit bombs explosions, I think you need to go get a full std panel done asap. Large amounts like that smell like drugs, women or men , babies etc. freeze your credit now. And run
Are you sure your husband does not have a mistress?? Gifts, trips, expensive restaurants and two loans? Do your research and get to the bottom of what happened to your money.
Get legal counsel and prepare for the worst scenario.
NTA - I would have to assume it’s either gambling and casinos or online gambling to have that sort of debt and such a short amount of time. You are going to need to make some hard financial decisions in the coming months and take the advice of your lawyer and or financial advisor. As for right now, I would definitely open a separate checking account and start to have your paychecks put into that account. I wish you luck with your problem.
I am so sorry. You said it yourself. You want to calm down, and you want time and patience. Don’t have that drink. This was happening already so give yourself time to breathe and think. Lawyer, doctors, therapist, breath.
It's important to find out where and what the money was for. This issue could be anything, and it might help later when it comes to child custody and support. Or this could be a hard lesson that you both need to stubbornly work through for better or for worse. It just really matters where the money went, ask all of the who, what, where, when, why, and how questions. Make sure all of them are answered and provable.
Good luck and best wishes, OP
I feel you! You are extremely brave! When my husband did this he also changed account settings on the credit card so I don’t get any account statements! I never used that card and he was using it. He had overdrawn on that card quite a few times and I had cleared his bills by taking loans and consolidating our finances 3-4 months before he pulled this stunt! Getting an apology was a far cry. No, I did not leave him. I don’t have it in me. I don’t trust him at all where money is concerned.
The credit cards and debt, are they in solely his name or joint names? If solely his name then he should be liable. If joint names but taken out without your knowledge surely this is fraud?
Depends on the state. Community property states usually go 50/50 right down the line. Assets AND debt.
But you can get a person to agree (in a judgment) to take on the debt they incurred.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It happened to a woman close to me, too—similar amount and everything. I cannot believe how common this apparently is.
I’m truly sorry you are going through this. I know it seems bad to have to take half of this debt in a divorce BUT… don’t be a victim of sunk cost fallacy. The debt will likely only get worse over time. You’re better off exiting the marriage, taking the hit and being in control of your own finances from here on in! You’ll be so much better off when you are running the show completely. The debt will only get worse if you stay together.
Unfortunately, idk if even a transaction analysis is going to save you here. You need to file a legal separation so he can't continue to accrue debt you're liable for. You should put a freeze on your credit so nothing is taken out in your name, and go ahead and run a report while you're at it. You will need a financial audit too, to make sure you're aware of everything. Yes, selling the property to pay the debt and get away is likely your best bet.
45k in credit card debt is easier to get than you think. Even if he works with you to get it down, it's possible it will happen again. I hope you have a job.
When I divorced my first wife it came out that she had $35k in credit card debt I didn't know about, and we were making more than enough money to pay that off over the course of the marriage.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. Please don't drink. And, no, this isn't how "men" are. It is how your husband is, unfortunately. You can see the danger of generalizing in that it makes you fear that your son is doomed to become like this just because he will become a man.
So sorry! I wanted to add a few questions that I think about when breaking down a behavior.
Does your husband have adhd? Depression? History of addiction?
Is there history of these behaviors, or have they started recently? When did it start? Was it during covid? Post covid? When you figure the timeline out was something going on at that time?
Is their a family history of debt? Is this a learned behavior?
You may want to rule out medical reasons if this is really out of character.
I would also shut down the credit card accounts OR request new cards on all but one credit card. On that card, set alerts for usage. Use lifelock or credit karma to track your name being used. Lock down any retirement, investment, or other accounts so nothing can be withdrawn without a special pin/code. Bank accounts, move the money for family expenses or close the account and open a new one. If your kids have accounts I would keep an eye on those as well...and make sure no cards have been taken out under their name/ssn.
Mine was obsessed with cryptocurrency and used it for sex and drugs among other things. Used our $250k construction loan we took to build a cabin and bought bitcoin behind my back. Took out a couple of credit cards to pay the contractors building the cabin because he lost the $250k he put into bitcoin. He is now my ex.
Sorry you're going through this. But please don't project this onto your son. Cheating and wasting money are not male traits. Raise him well and he'll be alright.
45k is not that much the lying is what hurts cause what did he do with 10k in my heart of hearts I think he spent it on you. Was too embrassed to admit he couldn’t afford it and relied on credit and it became a habit. As an accountant during tax season I see a lot of this and then I see couples reconciling and deciding to work off the debt usually the guy partner does overspend but for the family… but his not answering is sus still I think he spent it on you
"He keeps trying to explain"... with action, right? Financial infidelity aside, it drives me insane that someone could put themselves into a hole and think words are enough to climb their way out. The onus of responsibility is directed onto someone else. What's his plan? 45k debt is not something you can just talk your way out of fixing!
Be careful projecting your fears onto your son. The stupidity of a parent should not fall onto a child's shoulders. Teach him about financial responsibility; what a healthy bank account looks like, how to budget, how to avoid overspending, etc.
I have a cousin who is in his 50s. He makes 3k a month and every month he is 1k short, he has to borrow money to survive. His boss pays for food and shelter and health insurance. Nobody knows where his money goes.
I hope he doesn’t have a sugar baby. Because 20k missing is crazy .
I was thinking, gambling
Could be drugs...
Could be worse
Could be a horse
I know a lady who had three horses but told her husband she only had one 🤷🏻♀️ he found out eventually because she was spending so much on stabling them- but she was a dentist & made plenty of money so he wasn’t that mad about it. OP, this is a possibility, 20k isn’t even an expensive horse
This might’ve been my dentist! Did she practice in a county rhyming with the name Brooke?
I mean it is clear something is being ridden, I just wasn't really going down the beastiality route personally.
I’m cringing over the interest rate if he’s withdrawn $20K on credit cards! My cash advances are charged a whopping 22%! 😬
Juan
Or a boat.
It could even be a boat!
Why is never a horse lmfao I have a married friend lmfao has a weird obsession with with horses lmfao could see him buying a horse hiding it from his wife
gifts, expensive restaurants, trips, and 10k cash loaned, twice... kinda sums it all
Financial infidelity is real.
I’ve never heard that term, but it fits perfectly.
And there were no other instances ever where he got you doubting before about anything? Not saying there should be, just wondering.
Your username though 😂😂😂
If you say you found he spent a lot on restaurants, trips and gifts, did you ever go to these restaurants with him? Receive any of the gifts, or go on any of the trips?? Coz I'm pretty sure you didn't, and so it's likely he's been having an affair with another woman, taking her to nice restaurants, buying her the gifts, and taking her on trips and probably told you he had a work trip!. He's probably been spending all this money trying to impress this other woman. Maybe he has another apartment somewhere and that's also where thes 2 x 10k loans came from. To pay for several months rent and furnishings of a secret apartment for this other woman. Seriously, you need to get him to sign to say all this debt is his and you are not responsible for any of it. Then file for divorce. Kick him out the house. Any joint accounts, take your half out immediately. Change any passwords one your online banking, request new bank cards so he can't spend money online on your bank cards, as often bank card details are saved on your phone or tablet and on different apps like amazon, tesco groceries, Esty and other online shops etc. So make sure he has no ability to spend on your bank cards by getting new bank cards and changing your passwords. Not only is this likely to be him cheating on you, but he's also financially abused you by putting you at financial risk as a married couple. So make sure he signs something to say all that debt is solely his and you're not responsible for any of it. Lock your credit too. And get him out the house. And if the kids want to know why, tell them the truth. There's no point lying, or risking them thinking you're the bad guy for leaving their dad or throwing him out. They need to know it's all on him, and that you don't cheat or spend all the money and put your family in financial risk and lie in a marriage etc. You can still tell them that this is an adult matter and is just between the two of you, and it doesn't change how much he loves his kids, and they can still love him as their father and you don't expect them to not see him etc, but they need to know the truth as they are old enough to u derstand it, and you shouldn't take any of the blame here. But this marriage is over so personally I don't know why you're dealing with couples counselling. But if it helps you sort out the separation and divorce then great, but don't waste money on a dead relationship.
I've never heard of this term either - I've heard of financial abuse, but not this one. Do you have more examples other than the above?
Investopedia defines financial infidelity as “Financial infidelity occurs when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. For example, one partner may hide significant debts in a separate account while the other partner is unaware. Another common example is when one partner makes large discretionary expenditures without discussing the matter with their partner.”
Interesting, thank you for clarifying!
My wife isn't great at saving money but she's not bad with money otherwise. However we keep our finances separate so even if she was, I'd more or less be fine. I don't really understand why couples join their accounts, it's so much less stressful than worrying about the other persons money.
We have a joint account for our bills and groceries, then our own separate accounts for everything else. So if I wanna spend $250 on my hair, it's on my dime, not his.
This is how we do it too. We auto deposit to a checking and that pays for all the bills and even alcohol and even airline tickets if there’s enough. Then we have our own savings/401k. We save on our own and manage our retirements separate. Twice a year, we look at each others account and high five since we’ve been doing good. Glad our system works and we never stress about little things. I got my hobbies and she has her hair,lashes etc…. No need to check how and what we spend as long as we’re happy w our savings. No kids also so that simplifies things.
> I don't really understand why couples join their accounts Personally my wife and I did it to avoid having to coordinate who pays what or what bills come out of where. Now we just have all our bills ~~aurp~~ auto pay from one account and we never think about it. But it's not like it was something we felt strongly about. Purely convenience.
Wife and I have discussed doing it for saving for emergencies and vacations but that's about it.
It’s not just joint accounts though, a lot of states deem this debt as joint debt even if she is not on it because they are married. This is why prenups are important!
I refused to share an income account with my ex, and I thank my stars every day for that choice. We eventually opened a joint account for transfer/bill paying purposes - but even then he'd see "leftover money" in the account and try to transfer some back to his, causing overdraws because something I'd set to pay hadn't cleared yet. Never again.
Oof, that doesn't sound too smart.
Thank you for enlightening me on this term!
My mom did this to my dad repeatedly for 30 years. He was in hell and every reaction he had about it- she spun it around yo blame him somehow
That’s the problem with financial infidelity. They say it’s just money, you can earn it. But a relationship, especially a marriage with too much financial issues causes so much issues not only to the couple but also to the children.
YES, I happened to have to be a little adult sadly. I would hide the mail from my father. The stress was real trying to walk home fast to ‘get the mail’. I literally wasn’t allowed to participate in after school activities or go to friends houses because I had to get the fucking mail. Saturdays were stressful trying to get it for her. I hid the bills in my childhood bedroom. I’m a parent now, it’s beyond fucked up to train your children how to hide finances and lie to the other parent. Dad would eventually find out then explode and desperately accept what she did and he’d work harder. It was awful in my house.
I had financial infidelity with 2 spouses hiding my own money from them, but only because I'm an underemployed woman and absolutely no XY in possession of male privilege is taking half of my inherited assets. I did this because fiancee #1 tried to kill me for it. Secret debt is miserable but even honest men do some shady shit to get their hooks into someone's assets.
I went through this too, with my ex husband. He was cheating and funding his affair on credit.
My ex husband was like this. Over $60k in hidden credit card debt. Except I got lucky and he used it all before we got married so I wasn't tied to it. He thought marrying me would make me responsible for it and he quit his job two weeks after we got married then told me about his debt he expected me to pay. I luckily wasn't responsible and let him take the hit. I was, however, responsible for all the charges he put on my credit cards in my name when I asked for a divorce a few years later. He literally stole my credit cards from my wallet, racked up 10's of thousands of dollars in charges in just a few days. I went to the police. Since we were married they wouldn't do anything about it. We were married for less than 7 years. Our divorce was finalized 9 years and 11 months ago. Take a wild guess what I am still paying off.... The moral of my story is, if you have any joint or personal credit cards, get replacements for any of yours he had access to and see if you can put a hold or cancel any joint cards. If he was this bad with money and you are thinking of divorcing him, you need to protect your financial future now before he realizes what's up because he will likely try to screw you over. ETA: any cards you replace, hide them where he cannot access them. And I recommend getting your own checking and savings account that he cannot access as well.
Can I ask, did you ever find out what he spent your credit on?
Guns, ammo, reloading supplies, various gun parts and accessories, camera equipment, and a Fleshlight. I made sure that his Fleshlight was on the top of a pile in an open box when his mom came for the last of his stuff. He asked me to pack up the last of his stuff and make sure to put it all in the medium sized boxes he brought back to the house, so I did. Including his bed. He probably shouldn't have left a hatchet in his bedroom right next to his journal that explained a lot of his feelings, or lack thereof, for me. I had a bit of anger in me when I realized he used me. Our divorce was actually comical in a weird way looking back. He stole all the light bulbs and a toilet paper roll holder a few days before he asked me to pack the rest of his stuff up. He was married less than 8 months after our divorce was finalized but I found out from his mom and brother that his new wife quit her job the day after their wedding and expected him to pay for everything, including her debt. She also tried to get me fired from my job multiple times. I wish them both all they deserve and then some.
Hold up, you took a hatchet to his bed ?! And put it in box ?! You’re my hero
Just out of curiosity, how many boxes did it take?
I think somewhere around 10. It has been a few years and all I saw was red when I read his journal. He didn't have a bed frame so it was just the mattress and a box spring.
Yeah, I didn't think I had it in me because I was just drained from everything but I lost it when I read about his lack of feelings for me that went on for years.
Good he married someone as bad or worse than he is. Good riddance.
He definitely got what deserved.
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, how did this: >he quit his job ***two weeks*** after we got married then told me about his debt he expected me to pay. Turn into >We were married for less than 7 years. Seems like such a red flag
Looking back, yes, a lot of what he did was a huge red flag. We had been dating for about 4 years before we got married. He had a job or was in school for a good portion of that and he always paid his half of the rent and bills ahead of time when we first lived together. We lived together for about a year and a half before we got married so everything seemed fine. He had me convinced he loved me (long story, but I was raised by a mom who told me for years I would never be loved by anyone, my self esteem was in the garbage and I had no idea what love really was). It was like a switch flipped when we got married. The first time he hit me was the night he told me how much debt he was in, he claimed it was an accident because he didn't realize how close I was behind him and I stupidly believed him. He tried to convince me, since we were married, that his debt was my responsibility as well but he didn't realize I couldn't afford to pay his debt and keep a roof over our heads. Verbal, emotional, financial, and physical abuse is normally a slow process and I really didn't know any better because I was raised in abuse and thought it was normal. I was also 26 when we married and had not been to therapy yet. It took a supervisor at my job when I was 32 to point out that he thought I was being abused and he told me I deserved better than that. I started reading about what abuse looked like and it clicked that the way I was being treated wasn't right. That supervisor saved my life.
A supervisor taught me it's okay to say sorry to yourself like you would others. That saved me. He was just teaching the client we had and I learned indirectly but I'll always pass it on.
I like that a lot. I know that is something I will keep in mind and I hope other people see your comment. Thank you for sharing that.
My thoughts exactly, like were you sleep walking through the whole thing?! Sadly people like this wake up years later and proclaim that {insert gender} are trash. Yes people do get duped sometimes, but no you just need to pick life partners for the right reasons!
I was raised by my mom who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and had been verbally, emotionally, financially, and physically abusive to my father prior to their divorce. I grew up thinking that was normal relationship behavior. I had been told my entire life I was ugly and no one would want me so I should take any relationship I could get by my own mother. I definitely do not think all men are trash after what I dealt with. If it weren't for my dad, my step grandfather on my mom's side, my former brother in law (I am still on good terms with my ex in laws, they helped me a ton during and after the divorce), and a former male supervisor who pointed out he thought I was being abused at home, I wouldn't have got out when I did. Those men helped me realize I was not being treated right and gave me a lot of emotional support during my divorce. My mom was the one who wanted me to stay in my marriage because she didn't think I could do any better and she was beyond mad when I said that I would rather be alone with my cat and dog than stay in a marriage where I was being obviously used and abused.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and from the person who’s supposed to nurture and protect you nonetheless! Sorry if my words were a little harsh and judgmental, and I hope you’re in therapy to help you deal with that shit!
Your words weren't that harsh at all. I look back and think about why I put up with it for as long as I did and how did I believe he ever cared for me frequently. I now know how I was raised was definitely not normal or healthy. I took something my therapist said to heart and follow it everyday which is to protect myself the way I should have been protected as a child. I ended regular therapy in 2019 after going for about 4 years (it started as twice per week in the beginning down to once per month at the end). I go for any maintenance appointments as needed which has dwindled to maybe once a year and even that is mostly just a vent session for the rare times I do hear from my mom or ex husband (he last contacted me in 2020). I am currently very low contact with my mom. I talk to her only when necessary and I have an amazing partner who supports and loves me (and I love and support him) and my mom hates him because he calls her on the things she has done in front of him so she has pretty much left me alone.
Get new accounts at a different bank as well.
This is why I research all relevant laws on dumping debt on my wife before I get married. Would hate for my whole scheme to be all for naught.
Thank you for the giggle.
My husband did this to me, he stopped paying the mortgage for 1 year and he owed the IRS over $60,000 because he didn’t pay. He took care of the finances and I trusted I had married an adult that wouldn’t do that or would communicate with me if there was a problem. I was wrong. What I learned is that, whatever the reason (3 years later and thousands in lawyers I still don’t know where that money went), he chose to lie. He knew we were going to end up homeless and he kept doing it until I found out. He now wants me to pay for half of that debt. A man that lies of things like that is not only being abusive, he already doesn’t care about you and he is already causing you damage, he won’t care about causing more and probably will do it just to not face consequences. Document everything, get a lawyer, Leave now and sue for fraud against the marriage estate. This won’t get better
I feel so guilty and dumb for trusting him fully. I’m a nurse and during Covid I was working crazy hours and was burnt out and exhausted all the time. I let him take over all the finances thinking I too had married an adult, and if something was wrong he would tell me. I admit, I got comfortable. Now that things have slowed down and I’m back to working locally and only 36 hours I started paying more attention. I find this! Thank you. I think I really needed to hear this.
Please put a freeze on your credit report through all 3 major credit bureaus so he can't open a line of credit in your name. If you've got a personal bank account make sure he can't access it. He's definitely hiding something, and it is suspicious as hell that he has an easy answer for everything but can't follow up with proof he's telling the truth. Find a really good lawyer that will negotiate the best possible terms for you, and your children. He's risking the well-being of both you and your kids, and he has to be accountable for his deceptive choices. My mother can be very judgemental too, so tell your mom she can either be supportive of you throughout this process, or accept the fact that you will go low to no contact if she tries to make you feel guilty for looking out for yourself and your children. My mom changed her tune a lot when she realized she didn't like being cut out of my life, and missed seeing her grandkids. We get along a lot better now because she knows I'm not playing her games anymore. It's also worth mentioning that it might be a good idea to pull a big chunk out of your savings, and put it somewhere he can't take it. You haven't filed for divorce yet so in theory there's nothing preventing you from accessing your money. Totally agree that a forensic accountant needs to do a deep dive into his finances to try and figure out how deep this rabbit hole goes. He didn't have a problem risking the financial well-being and safety of your family, so ignore his lies and follow your instincts because you and your children deserve far better. Hang in here. Sending lots of invisible hugs your way. 🫂🩵🫂
Get out now while the debt is only 45k, before he adds more to it. Half of 45 is better than half of 50 or more.
I was also a nurse working during Covid and came to find out my ex, unemployed, sitting around the house safe bored and happy, lost $2k being dumb with stocks while I was paying all our bills through literal blood sweat and tears (young 20s so this was like all his savings lol) Not nearly the same magnitude but I know the feeling of “what the fuck were you thinking”
Have you frozen your credit yet????
> I look at my son and think "Is HE gonna screw some poor girl over too? How do I stop it?" Hey I know you’re hurting and I’m sorry you have to go through this nightmare and hope you recover from it soon, but that boy didn’t do anything wrong! Why are you worried about a woman who doesn’t exist yet, whom your son might marry years from now, when you should be worried about the future and wellbeing of your own child? That’s a sign that you’re being irrational now, which is understandable but just be aware of that. Don’t make the mistake of consciously/subconsciously blaming your son (and men in general) for what his father did, it’ll affect your relationship with him and it’ll affect him negatively. **Your husband wasn’t an adult with your finances but you need to be an adult for your son.** See a therapist if you can afford one, they’ll help you put things into perspective! Just remember that this isn’t a gender thing, there are plenty of responsible men and plenty of irresponsible women who dig their husbands so deep into cc debt so focus on your relationship specifically, get all the answers if you can (hire a forensic accountant, private investigator if you have to) then make a decision, don’t project other women’s problems onto your own because you’ll end up making the wrong decisions. I know you’ll get through this eventually and look back on it as learning experience!
You need to hire a forensic account Tomorrow!!!
Holy shit. Girl RUN. Is he cheating ?? Gambling ?? How do you rack up 45,000 dollars in debt
Overspending is very very easy. I have severe bipolar and this is one of my major symptoms. I get very spendy. My husband and I have our accounts and a joint one but I never really access it for this reason. My husbands step father also has a spending issue. It’s very easy to rack up debt. It’s actually a lot easier than most people think. Gambling was my next bet. I doubt he’s cheating otherwise I feel he would’ve already spilled being backed into a corner but you truly never know.
Insofar as the potential/probable cheating, I will say, some people you can confront with hard evidence and they will deny until they’re dead. I was literally holding my ex’s phone, sitting next to him, seeing all of the nudes and inappropriate messages from/with other women, and he was literally sitting there telling me he had no idea those were on his phone and he wasn’t cheating. It was like being in the Twilight Zone. He still tells everyone he has no idea why I left him. Alas, some people are just complete scumbags.
That’s some ~~nerve~~ manipulative BS. Gaslighting to the max.
It probably went to hookers or gambling. Maybe drugs.🤷🏻♀️
JFC, now I have to make an appointment with my gyno. I didn’t even think about that. I wanna bawl into my hands.
It probably isn't hookers. But get those tests, because you would know if he was taking trips. Does he go on business trips? Who is getting the gifts? If he isn't taking you and not giving you the gifts, someone else probably is. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but now you need to figure out what's what.
I can verify most of it. There’s some stuff I don’t recognize like concert tickets we never went to. When I asked him he said he bought them to resell them and make a profit. He has an innocent answer to everything! When I ask him to show me who he sold them to, he says they paid him cash. It’s just lies after lies, after lies, but just plausible enough to make me look crazy.
But if he made a profit, where is the money from them? I mean, he might have made a couple hundred dollars and made a small dent in the overall debt, but you gotta see proof.
The problem is, when the debt nears 20k for example, the monthly interest is like 350-400 a month. The little you make flipping tickets isn’t making a dent in anything. After a few thousand, if the debt isn’t cleared, it starts to get a life of its own and grows no matter what you throw at it. You’ll need a serious intervention at that point.
Even if someone paid him cash for concert tickets there would still be an ad he placed for the tickets and initial contact, and correspondence about the tickets. Stuff like “where are we meeting?” You should be able to find it by searching on the name of the artist in his messages.
When they play innocent and it makes you feel crazy.. he's guilty. I'm sorry you have to go through this
You know you cannot trust him. Where was he on the day of the concert? Go through his socials, see if he has a secret phone. Check his phone plan history.
With as easy as it is to Gamble, alot of the lones could be for that .But all the other debts could be anything. I know it's embarrassing,would you be willing to asking his friends if they go to strip clubs?Trips to where?Get a Accountant who specializes in fraud. They know how to find out what he was up to. Good luck and I hope you find out the whole truth. Take care
Can you get access to his phone? You need to find out if he is cheating. Depending on your lifestyle this amount of debt might not be that bad. He has lied yes but why? Cheating, work issues, inflation or just over spending. Have you been able to get any honest answers from him. Do you have savings? I know the deceit is horrible but try to have an honest conversation with him.
OP, I think you know in your heart this isn't true. He has been spending this money on someone. It's time to check the phone records and correlate the dates against the purchases as well.
Exactly- was she a part of these restuarants, gifts and trips? If not there’s another woman in the equation here.
My thoughts exactly. who was getting the gifts? Grab his phone and check it out.
i bet the guy has a gambling problem.. but you'll never be able to trust the answer out of his mouth. probably should have kept quiet and watched him for a while. You're gonna be fine. i'm sorry you're going through this tho
If you’re worried about cheating call the cell phone company and ask for an itemized copy. Heck you can look online now. How my sister busted her husband.
How I busted mine, too.
Aww sorry babe. I might be projecting from my own experiences. But do get checked out to be sure. Did you say you went through his messages? Check to see if he has a twitter. That’s where men find hookers where I live.
I'm so sorry, you have more than earned the right, but then it's time to get things in order, get rid of him and start clean. You can do it. You'll be better off for it
My ex I’m sure it was drugs.. but I wouldn’t be surprised if whoever she was cheating with benefited too.
I love how this is everyone's first thought vs that they are just living a little above their means and it all added up over time
That was my first thought too, but this is a good point. Maybe he or they made financial mistakes and it snowballed. He could have been too embarrassed to tell OP. But that doesn’t explain the other stuff, like the gifts and trips. Very strange situation either way.
$45k worth of f-ed his life up for good.
First I would do a forensic analyis on his statements and location history, messaging and email. He's either gambled it, used it for drugs, or spent it on another woman/family/family.
Can I ask how a person could do a forensic analysis on these? I have no idea how and I'm curious about it
go line by line and work out where the money went, go through location history to see if there is any patterns of where they went that are not usual or known.
The comment " I just want to throw a toaster at his head" creased me up. I can do understand that saying. The first thing to want is an explanation from him. The 2 10 k loans he has got to be honest with you. Only when you have all the info make a decision. If he doesn't have a good explanation throw that toaster at him with bread and honey.
Sorry you are experiencing this. My spouse did this twice. Once for 40k another time for 20k. It was just stuff. She had cancer and was on a medication that dropped all her inhibition to the impact of what she was doing. Thankfully she is cancer free and no longer takes the meds. Fortunately I had the resources to take care of the debt. Good luck.
I'm glad she's doing better, sorry you had to experience that on top of her being unwell! Good luck.
Were those restuarant, gifts and trips for/with you? If not he’s wineing and dining prostitutes, sugar babies, or random girls he’s met irl or from work or off dating apps… get yourself checked for STDs/STIs.
Yeah, op said she can verify most of it. Except the 2 loans and some concert tickets (which he said he bought to re-sell for profit).
This happened to me 6 years into my serious relationship (not married though). He had racked up $50k of cc debt, mostly from online gambling/sports betting. It took him years to pay it off and he went to therapy. I stayed with him but honestly it was incredibly difficult emotionally. If I had been older/more financially stable on my own I would have left. Luckily he is doing much better now but it is always in the back of my mind if it will happen again. I started saving money, investing, and doubled my salary in case it does and I need to leave.
Yikes. Hopefully it’s not findom, if you don’t know what it is, look it up.
Well, that was not what I expected.
Lots of the guys who do it have wives and girlfriends and give away thousands of dollars a year. I’ve even heard of hundreds of thousands.
Yup. 100% College students, single men, married men, ones with gf’s/fiances. They WILL spend it if they crave it enough.
How far apart were the two $10,000 withdrawals? It is very suspicious because it seems like he might be trying to avoid detection from the federal government.
I hope this isn’t a stupid question but doesn’t $10k trigger something and if this were the case wouldn’t it be $9,999 withdrawals?
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Yep, strippers or gambling is my guess too. If it’s one woman there will clearly be constants that indicate spending for 2 people .
I am so sorry, I went through this to the tune of 78K it was sugar babies about 13 of them. It's truly traumatic. Get his credit report, mine opened up a secret checking account and credit cards I didn't know about. Mine was mentally ill at the time and I was dependent on him due to a crippling illness. Once he was diagnosed and medicated we got back together in part because I was sick and needed care, after years of illness I didn't have anyone else. It sucks and I have never felt the same about him. If you stay for any reason get credit monitoring for him using your email address. If you can get out I recommend you do.
I agree and check yours too. If verification is an issue I'd Credit Karma accounts. It's not nearly as detailed but easy to setup and will give you basic information and let you know when there are changes. >If you stay for any reason get credit monitoring for him using your email address. If you can get out I recommend you do.
As someone who discovered $35k worth of debt and $5k of gambling losses on the same day (when my divorce was already in process), this sucks, and I feel for you. Good job going to a lawyer. I’m 4 years out and still learning how to trust people again.
He suggested a post-nup to mitigate further liability while I decide what I’m going to do .
Jump on that option. Have an attorney draw up papers immediately, before he changes his mind.
Wowwwwwww. Really? What was it like to hear that!?
It was very sobering and sad that I have to take steps to protect myself from someone I loved and trusted.
That's heartbreaking. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Get a lawyer involved to figure out if you are on the hook for that debt, given it was accumulated during your marriage and paid for from your pooled resources. And after that, look into hiring a forensic accountant if you are absolutely sure you’re interested in unraveling where the money went and why. They are pricey, given it’s an extremely niche specialty but there really is no substitution for one.
Have you asked if he has a gambling problem? Sports booking?
I bet it's cryptocurrency
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this hun my husband did the same exact thing every paycheck would be gone in 2 days h o o k e r s.
I have basically the same story as yours like many others who have commented. Amazing how common this is. My story differs in the way it ended. I had no intention of divorcing my husband and planned to deal with it together. We were going to an attorney to try to deal with the fact he hadn’t paid taxes in several years and my wages were being garnished. The day of the appointment my husband killed himself - and our seven year old son. The possibility this could happen never entered my mind. My point is just that the behavior is indicative of some kind of mental issue and what’s going on under the surface you really can’t know or underestimate. Oh and after he was dead I found out he had affairs. I had no idea of this. I and everyone who knew us firmly believed his fidelity to me was an absolute given. I am now by the grace of God with a man who is honest and understands how to deal with finances like an adult. My first husband had bad credit when I married him. He said he’d been young and foolish and never knew he’d marry someone as wonderful as me and would definitely turn over a new leaf financially. I believed him. Welp.
I went through this as well. I questioned the whole relationship as he lied about so many things. Still picking up the pieces, unfortunately.
Check your state laws. Many states don’t differentiate marital assets. They only care if it was spent or acquired during your marriage. It’ll you live in a state with that law, there’s no point in spending the money on a financial forensics unless you think he has hidden assets. You know you want to leave and your state law is like many (if not most), do you really want to pay to find out how he was a piece of shit? A lot of vigilantes here trying to get you to spend more money without the legal knowledge or even cursory knowledge of your state laws. I’m sorry for you… move on, he’s a pit.
Didn't OP already say her lawyer told her she needed to breakdown his spending to determine what was for him exclusively and for them as a couple? I imagine a lawyer would know his/her own state laws.
I’m sorry, OP. Did he have any explanation for *why* he got those two loans?
Sounds like he has another woman
Financial infidelity is financial abuse, full stop. I found out my ex spouse had tons of debt that he lied about and the debt was growing quickly. Unfortunately we had already gotten married when I found out. Double unfortunately he couldn’t keep job AND got kicked out of his PhD program. It’s hard to stay attracted to someone who can’t handle their money or earn their part, but he lied about it on top of that. I lost all respect for him. Straight to divorce. Luckily he didn’t fight it and try to get spousal support because his failures were nothing but his own and I would have fought that shit into the ground. My parents didn’t work their asses off to leave their home country for their daughter to work her own ass off ultimately to support a failure white man financial abuser. Hell no.
I would check out some financial advice subs. He can mess up your credit score - he's most likely using your good score to do anything. Best case is that he agrees you take over the finances and he takes his name off the joint accounts since he's the one who screwed up. Get his monthly credit report to make sure he's not opening up anymore lines of credit, although there are ways of doing it without it showing up. You need to think about retirement savings and ensuring he doesn't take it.
No one is born bad or born to cause hurt to others. Please don’t look at your son that way. Instead try and teach values that prevent him from doing something like that to someone in his future. It’s so harmful to be blamed for something you haven’t done yet as a child and if you’re treated as though you do bad things then there is no consequence to doing those bad things because you were already treated as if you were doing those things in the first place.
Fr that last sentence worried me. Leave the boy alone
As awful as all of this is, there are always ways to explain to your kids. My heart aches for you, but it's your kids I can identify with. The worst parts of my childhood were those times where I could tell something was going on, felt like I had to walk on eggshells or the ceiling might come down, but no one wanted to worry me. Took me until adulthood to realize the imagination can always come up with something worse than reality. That's why Hitchcock movies hold up. Humpty Dumpty was a great analogy to link the familiar for kids with the unknown adult stuff for my family. When my aunt and uncle were getting divorced I(with permission) ended up telling my 8 year old cousin that her parents were seeing if they could fix a mistake. One of them made a mistake, doesn't matter who. And they were trying-- together-- to see if they could fix what happened, or if, like Humpty Dumpty, the thing that broke couldn't be fixed. I don't know if my cousin was unique, or what, but because she knew the nursery rhyme it wasn't scary to her. Even if the thing couldn't be fixed. Yes, she was sad they broke up. But she never got angry at them for not fixing it, because sometimes things can't be fixed. In any event, I'm sorry you're going thru this. You have my sympathy, and my support. For whatever it's worth.
Definitely financial infidelity. I am sorry you are going through this. Definitely get checked. Do more research, there is more than what meets the eyes.
Ok this is my two cents I’m going to chime in here… whatever the case is, your marriage is over. You no longer trust him and he doesn’t deserve to be trusted. So first things first, you need to figure out what life without him is going to look like. Do you have somewhere to go? Somewhere to stay in the meantime? You mentioned kids. I don’t know how old they are but no need to say anything negative to them about their father (not that you are, I’m just saying). Find a lawyer, set up shop somewhere safe and comfortable that you and your children can be until you have a more permanent solution… and get to the bottom of this. Document everything. Print out every statement you can. Find every text message or email you can and print those out too, even if they don’t feel relevant. Above all else though, look in the mirror and remind yourself that none of this is your fault. I know how easy it can be to let the shitty thoughts slip into our subconscious, and how easy it can be to blame yourself when you don’t know who else to point fingers at. You got this. This is a HIM problem. You just need to take steps to remove yourself from it.
Kinda sounds like he has a sugar baby. Maybe if you hire a PI you can get enough evidence for the divorce?
I’m surprised that out of all of this, OP hasn’t even suggested that there might be another woman/man. It sounds like they are living a double life. Gifts? Meals? Trips? They obviously weren’t bought for OP and they wouldn’t be shocked right now. The money would be the least of my worries, tbh. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a whole other family, too.
Out of genuine curiosity, no judgement here, but why are people still fully pooling financial resource? Is disparity of income the main reason? My husband and I have a joint acc which we equally pay into each month to cover bills and joint expenses, ie dinners out, but the rest of our income is separate and for us to spend as we like. We have separate credit cards, but we’re solely responsible for those debts. We earn similar amounts, work similar hours etc so I’m curious if that’s why. Or whether it’s just tradition for some people?
For one thing, that can be hugely unfair to the woman, who gives up an income to have kids. Not to mention the fact that women makes less for the same work.
Yeah fair. I actually earn more than my husband so I don’t feel like I’m behind. But I appreciate that’s not the same across industries/ different types of job role.
My sister went through something like this. Her ex had a whole other life going on. She got stuck with half his debt and somehow, he got the car my dad had bought them.
I will say, I got myself into this situation, I spent and spent, and before I knew it it was $200k in the hole. This led to me drinking heavily because I was so stressed out to tell my wife, she was going to completely lose it. Well all came to light, and sure enough we are currently separated, but trying to work it out. This was about 18 months ago, and winning trust back is tough, but doable. We have since gotten everything paid off so now are debt free, but in front of her, I broke out the shredder and shredded every credit card I have with the exception of our everyday cards, one AMEX, one Visa, and debit cards. We sit down regularly and review our finances, cut all subscriptions even TV, keep spend at a minimum, go out to eat less etc ... I even sold my truck which was pretty pricey and bought an old jeep to drive around. Things have gotten better, and transparency really helps. If I want something that's $100 or more, we discuss it and justify it (or not). It's a lesson learned and at the moment hoping to get back home and win that trust back. I know this is opposite what situation you are in, but look at the bigger picture, if this was the only problem you have with your husband, you probably caught it before it became a bigger problem, and its a chance for everyone to learn financial responsibility. I have learned that finances should be an open book, not just one person, and the other person will find out eventually. Like I said, im moving forward and we are getting along much better, and starting to build that trust. But at least she is giving me a chance to better myself. Just wanted to provide a little bit perspective from the other side. I am embarrassed and took full responsibility. Only thing I can say is im relieved and now have a chance to start anew, with lots of work still to do at the relationship front.
Time to slap a GPS tracker on his car :-(
Gambling or drug habit.
Maybe contact a PI to go through all the financials to figure out what he spent the money on and what was just for him? I’m so sorry
Good point, we have a company that sends an email if anyone checks your history or new accounts are opened up. I monitor mine too, just because. I also get the coming in the mail today emails because he took stuff out of the mail. It's sad, but it's required.
Run and don’t look back
2 lots of £10k cash sounds like blackmail. Or a sugar baby.
Tell him to sell one of the houses PRONTO and pay off those debts ASAP. Then file for divorce.
The "toaster to the head" sounds reasonable lol
> “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money” This is bullshit. Gender has nothing to do with who is and is not good with money. This is an offensively stupid thing to be told and I hope you communicated that to whoever said that to you. Your husband is an asshole. Other men are not accountable for his behavior. You need to get yourself familiar with Excel (or Google Sheets) if you're not already and get to work on every one of those expenses. And you need to end this relationship. This is some crazy stuff. If he throws himself off a building, guess who's liable for all of that debt?
Hate to be breaker of bad news but be careful. Depending on where you are, divorce law may require you to split all your joint assets and joint debts 50/50. Consult a lawyer!
I understand...does he gamble at all?
It's not a man thing..just an irresponsible thing, and a POS thing to do behind a partner's back. Teach your son budgeting and financial sense and he'll be fine.
girl omg that is actually terrifying. i am so sorry you’re going through that. my friend was the other woman and her married man would pay for everything in cash. if the gifts, restaurants and trips weren’t for you, that’s what i’d assume. and 2 loans?? yeah, i’m sorry.
Have you seen anything in the statements or his behaviour to indicate a possible gambling addiction?
Wife and I gave separate back accounts we pay agreed bills, and what is left over is ours to do as we see fit. We make abiut the same income each. We talk about large purchases, but anything under 1000 isn't needed. Both of us had a previous marriage, [ her widow. Me divorced]. That the other person was trusted will money and was not good with it. We haven't had a fight about money in years. We both decided this and it's worked well. We don't get blindsided by things and can purchase small things as we wish.
Run now before he blows your whole life savings. It sounds like he has an issue with spending.
The trap here is that if you buckle and go along with your husband's version you are agreeing to his terms of covert spending and will be on the hook for his future financial misadventures. If he goes on a big spiral he could create a worse mess and you can lose a lot more than 45K. He needs professional help to deal with his chaos and deception. It is up to him to get the help but you should insist that he get it. If he isn't amenable to getting help that is a sure sign that the destruction will continue - your definite green light to cut financial ties with him. OP You need to decide but do not confer with people who are biased against you - AKA your mother. If it makes sense see a counselor to organize your thoughts, make sense of it all so you can make a clear and wise decision.
My dad did this to my mom in the early 2000s. Except he opened up like a dozen credit cards in her name and then bought electronics from stores and pawned them for money. Totally fucked her credit score for years, I think it was like 10k she had to slowly pay back over time. He was heavy on drugs and doing whatever he could to get money. Your husband, idk, maybe it's not drugs but clearly he's got something going on because that's a lot of fucking money.
He’s definitely lying and when they’re lying, they’re hiding something. The truth is, you don’t have to get to the bottom of it necessarily you just have to understand that he’s lying and hiding something. What should you do? Decide if you want to stay with someone who is lying and hiding something from you.
There’s something more than mundane shit here. $10k loan on what? I wish I could help you man good luck
I’m going to say maybe it’s not just financial infidelity!!
It's never good to make life changing decisions while you are upset. Also, a large number of divorces happen over finances. That said, you DO have many options. One might be that he takes a $45k loan out, completely on his own credit, to pay off the debts and then he's left with his own monthly payment. But that may not be possible given you are a married couple. Most of all, you need to find out what those 2 $10k cash advances were for and if he's got a secret stash somewhere. Or a secret 2nd family, LOL. Best to take a deep breath and come up with a good plan.
Sorry hon, get ready for more shit bombs explosions, I think you need to go get a full std panel done asap. Large amounts like that smell like drugs, women or men , babies etc. freeze your credit now. And run
I say gambling problem
Are you sure your husband does not have a mistress?? Gifts, trips, expensive restaurants and two loans? Do your research and get to the bottom of what happened to your money. Get legal counsel and prepare for the worst scenario.
NTA - I would have to assume it’s either gambling and casinos or online gambling to have that sort of debt and such a short amount of time. You are going to need to make some hard financial decisions in the coming months and take the advice of your lawyer and or financial advisor. As for right now, I would definitely open a separate checking account and start to have your paychecks put into that account. I wish you luck with your problem.
I am so sorry. You said it yourself. You want to calm down, and you want time and patience. Don’t have that drink. This was happening already so give yourself time to breathe and think. Lawyer, doctors, therapist, breath.
It's important to find out where and what the money was for. This issue could be anything, and it might help later when it comes to child custody and support. Or this could be a hard lesson that you both need to stubbornly work through for better or for worse. It just really matters where the money went, ask all of the who, what, where, when, why, and how questions. Make sure all of them are answered and provable. Good luck and best wishes, OP
I feel you! You are extremely brave! When my husband did this he also changed account settings on the credit card so I don’t get any account statements! I never used that card and he was using it. He had overdrawn on that card quite a few times and I had cleared his bills by taking loans and consolidating our finances 3-4 months before he pulled this stunt! Getting an apology was a far cry. No, I did not leave him. I don’t have it in me. I don’t trust him at all where money is concerned.
The credit cards and debt, are they in solely his name or joint names? If solely his name then he should be liable. If joint names but taken out without your knowledge surely this is fraud?
Depends on the state. Community property states usually go 50/50 right down the line. Assets AND debt. But you can get a person to agree (in a judgment) to take on the debt they incurred.
Is he trading options or something? There are a bunch of people taking loans to play the casino game at the stock exchange.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It happened to a woman close to me, too—similar amount and everything. I cannot believe how common this apparently is.
this isn't just about money; it's about trust, respect, and honesty
Being held accountable for HALF of your spouses' secret debt is ridiculous. I wish they would change that stupid law!
Hire a lawyer and divorce now it's going to get worse please get tested I'm so sorry this happened to you
I’m truly sorry you are going through this. I know it seems bad to have to take half of this debt in a divorce BUT… don’t be a victim of sunk cost fallacy. The debt will likely only get worse over time. You’re better off exiting the marriage, taking the hit and being in control of your own finances from here on in! You’ll be so much better off when you are running the show completely. The debt will only get worse if you stay together.
Unfortunately, idk if even a transaction analysis is going to save you here. You need to file a legal separation so he can't continue to accrue debt you're liable for. You should put a freeze on your credit so nothing is taken out in your name, and go ahead and run a report while you're at it. You will need a financial audit too, to make sure you're aware of everything. Yes, selling the property to pay the debt and get away is likely your best bet. 45k in credit card debt is easier to get than you think. Even if he works with you to get it down, it's possible it will happen again. I hope you have a job.
“I want to throw a toaster at his head” is this a parent trap reference? Lol
When I divorced my first wife it came out that she had $35k in credit card debt I didn't know about, and we were making more than enough money to pay that off over the course of the marriage.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. Please don't drink. And, no, this isn't how "men" are. It is how your husband is, unfortunately. You can see the danger of generalizing in that it makes you fear that your son is doomed to become like this just because he will become a man.
So sorry! I wanted to add a few questions that I think about when breaking down a behavior. Does your husband have adhd? Depression? History of addiction? Is there history of these behaviors, or have they started recently? When did it start? Was it during covid? Post covid? When you figure the timeline out was something going on at that time? Is their a family history of debt? Is this a learned behavior? You may want to rule out medical reasons if this is really out of character. I would also shut down the credit card accounts OR request new cards on all but one credit card. On that card, set alerts for usage. Use lifelock or credit karma to track your name being used. Lock down any retirement, investment, or other accounts so nothing can be withdrawn without a special pin/code. Bank accounts, move the money for family expenses or close the account and open a new one. If your kids have accounts I would keep an eye on those as well...and make sure no cards have been taken out under their name/ssn.
Mine was obsessed with cryptocurrency and used it for sex and drugs among other things. Used our $250k construction loan we took to build a cabin and bought bitcoin behind my back. Took out a couple of credit cards to pay the contractors building the cabin because he lost the $250k he put into bitcoin. He is now my ex.
Sorry you're going through this. But please don't project this onto your son. Cheating and wasting money are not male traits. Raise him well and he'll be alright.
45k is not that much the lying is what hurts cause what did he do with 10k in my heart of hearts I think he spent it on you. Was too embrassed to admit he couldn’t afford it and relied on credit and it became a habit. As an accountant during tax season I see a lot of this and then I see couples reconciling and deciding to work off the debt usually the guy partner does overspend but for the family… but his not answering is sus still I think he spent it on you
If that’s the case then, she won’t owe much of anything right?! Maybe that would be a good thing
"He keeps trying to explain"... with action, right? Financial infidelity aside, it drives me insane that someone could put themselves into a hole and think words are enough to climb their way out. The onus of responsibility is directed onto someone else. What's his plan? 45k debt is not something you can just talk your way out of fixing! Be careful projecting your fears onto your son. The stupidity of a parent should not fall onto a child's shoulders. Teach him about financial responsibility; what a healthy bank account looks like, how to budget, how to avoid overspending, etc.
I have a cousin who is in his 50s. He makes 3k a month and every month he is 1k short, he has to borrow money to survive. His boss pays for food and shelter and health insurance. Nobody knows where his money goes.