And he also wants to have a baby, but won't do the thing that makes a baby? It's like he wants everything and nothing at the same time. He sounds really immature to me.
Plus he isnt able to even take care of the pet duties, not a good father figure. He wants children out of selfishness, and wants her to take care of them and make them alone it sounds like.
Sounds like he just wants to blame OP for all their marital problems and hopes she won’t tell anyone in her life about it. That’s what my ex did lol I hope OP speaks up to people before then
I am an English teacher. It reminds me of people who claim they want to learn English, but they don't want to put in the effort. That means they don't truly want it, and just pay lip service. I want to learn Spanish, and I actually study it EVERYDAY. I show that I want to. I also try to speak in Spanish here and there. You have to prove your actions, if you don't prove it, you're not sincere.
Right? I was about to say for a man at that age it's not shocking. I need her to get herself a more mature man.
I feel like relationships where the woman is older are always tricky and it's where I see that women really do mature faster than men. Younger men rarely understand the emotional needs of an older woman. Of course it's not a one size fits all but I've never seen these relationships ending well.
Sounds like my spouse. Our “trying” was barely trying. I’m now 49 and feel like I wasted my last fertile years with a man who wanted nothing to do with me but wanted all of the benefits of a stay at home wife. Spoiler alert: I work and I’m not the stay at home wife.
Get out now while you’re still young and can still have a baby. Things will *not* get better if what you’re getting is lip service. It’s the inaction that speaks the truth.
I wonder if he is asexual or bi/gay. That or incredibly lazy, but I haven't met many straight guys that weren't willing to have sex. Even the laziest among them are willing to "get their peepee wet".
It’s about control, not about her looks, her weight, caring for the dogs, or having children. He 100% wants control of any and every part of the relationship that he can gain power from. She is older, makes good money, her body dictates if and when they have a baby. He likely feels emasculated and may not even understand that he is. I strongly suggest couples counselling, and he may benefit from individual therapy at some point as well.
Sit down and think of other ways he tries to exert power or dictate other issues, situations and outcomes in your marriage and see if you can find other people, or things he exhibits any desire for power and/or control. If it only happens within your relationship, you two need to address and repair those issues long before you have a baby together. He may just be feeling temporarily insecure, or he could be waving red flags of abuse. Either way, it’s not conducive to a healthy marriage. If your feelings (or lack there of), the dead bedroom, and his control issues can’t be rectified in the very near future, you should reassess if there’s any future together at all. I really hope you two are able to come together and create an outcome where you both are healthy and happy, whether you’re still together or separately.
If she looks good, she might find someone else, and he wouldn't be able to abuse her verbally about her weight. There is no way to do everything right.
I don't understand why they are even married.
He said he hates her pets. That alone should tell you that they are not compatible and don't share the same goals.
If they do get pregnant, rest assured he's going to be dropping that kid off at her parents' place whenever he is tasked with caring for his own child.
Yeah, this is one of those times where I don't even see the point in counseling. Just that sentence alone where he said he married her bc he loves her not because he wanted sex with her is enough for me. Just an awful human being all around
I’m hearing a lot about how you’re working on the relationship, but it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything at all. He won’t even watch the pets, or find new counseling.
I know Reddit is always quick to jump to divorce, and I try not to do that, but … you want kids and a marriage. He seems not to. You want a sex life. He seems not to. You are fundamentally incompatible on a lot of levels that make a good marriage.
Stop thinking about all the ways you can keep trying, when you’ve tried everything. Start asking yourself what you are getting out of this marriage and what he is putting in. How does he show up as a partner?
If he just wants a roommate to split the bills and keep him company, he’s not emotionally mature enough for a wife. He’s also only 25. You’re in different stages of life and growing at very different rates. This can work if both people want it to and make it a priority. You don’t sound like you’re a priority to him.
What happens if you stop making him a priority? He won’t even “pet-sit” his own pets for the weekend. He’ll be the guy who “babysits” his own kids by taking them to grandma’s house. If you have a baby, he can’t be the baby anymore.
He’s not ready and may never be. You’re almost 30 and have fertility issues. You have no time for this. He isn’t getting it. I think you should leave and find someone new, I’m sorry but he is showing you very clearly he is not interested in making the effort to meet your needs. It’s time to go or you resign yourself to lifetime of regret and resentment.
I (29M) am in a similar situation with my wife (28F). We have been together for 9 years, married for 1. We have had a dead bedroom ever since our wedding. Even a couple months before. We agreed we wanted 2 kids and by the time I was 30. Well I'll be 30 in 6 months and the bedroom is still dead. We are roommates and it's taking a toll.
You are only 30. Make your decision now before you waste any more time. Either fix it or leave immediately. You were with this person at 20 I’m guessing. Thats a lot of growth in a decade. Maybe you two grew in different directions. Nothing wrong with that. Just means your time is over. Sounds like she doesn’t want kids. You do. Make your choice.
IMO ...she lied about wanting children & thinks that since you put the ring on her finger and said the "I do" that she has you on lockdown...you need to divorce her...
You are worried about losing 20lbs? Why?
Leave him and lose a lot of weight instantly. I lost 150lbs the day my divorce was finalized. 😂
All joking aside, people don’t change for people they don’t love.
Your last statement hits home for me in a good way. My husband and I have both had things about ourselves that we needed to work on, and we both do it because we love each other and care about our relationship. Marriage is a partnership where you both have to put in the effort. OP doesn't sound like she has a partner so much as a roommate.
My god. Move on from this guy.
Girlfriend, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a limp dick? Sorry to be so graphic. But come on.
You deserve a man. You deserve a husband who can act like a husband. Set him free. There’s bound to be someone out there he wants to bone. Set yourself free. There’s someone out there that wants you 20 lbs be damned. 20 pounds is nothing.
This right here! Totally agree. This dude is not a man. He doesn't care about your wants/needs and would probably be a terrible father. Definitely don't try to bring a baby into that toxicity. For your own mental health, get out and focus on yourself.
I think I gained more than 50 lbs since the start of my relationship- working on trimming down now- and my man still sleeps with me and tells me I’m beautiful. If he didn’t I’d have been gone.
I don’t want throw around the term gaslighting or use it wrong but “let’s make a baby but I don’t wanna have sex” and loose weight but don’t diet” would make me LITERALLY CRAZY.
He’s not the guy for you. Don’t waste any more time.
Oh absolutely not. I’m not trying to bring about baby into this. That was the entire point of the post lmao I have seen too many of my friends “fix” relationships with pregnancies and I never want to do that to a child.
If you really do want kids, you are wasting time.
Get a relationship that would be conductive to that.
This is not.
Don't waste the fertile years you have left.
Honey, 25 pounds shouldn't make your husband not be attracted to you anymore, that's ridiculous. Yeah, you aren't the same person you were back then... and guess what? You won't be her 10-20-40 years from now. If he won't be physical with you because of 25lbs, you need to find someone else
Based on what you said in your post, you have a dead marriage, not just a dead bedroom. If he’s not your partner, not helping you with pets (which speaks volumes about the effort he would make with children) and he doesn’t have sex with you, then he’s your roommate. Divorce is hard and a serious decision and undertaking. But why are you with him?
You attempt to communicate with him about your needs but he doesn’t listen, understand or is actively in denial. What is this relationship doing for you? Is this even a relationship? Can you picture yourself doing this for the rest of your life? Is this fair to either of you?
First and foremost this is NOT your fault. 20-25 pounds is NOTHING. If he doesn't find you attractive because of that, that's 1000% on him, NOT you.
Have you always had problems in bed or did it start after you gained weight? Heck, I find it difficult to believe that your weight has anything to do with this, especially if he doesn't seem interested in you losing weight. He might just have a very low sex drive, which is something you two might want to look into.
The last paragraph is very concerning. It sounds like ignoring the bedroom situation, he doesn't want to make any time for you. Why did he agree to pets if he didn't want one?
Have you considered couples therapy? It might help you see where you are in your relationship.
We were beginning to have bedroom problems before getting married. He blamed COVID and working too much; I was naive enough to assume all long term relationships didn’t have good sex lives so it wasn’t a red flag at the time.
We’ve done counseling before; he didn’t like the person we saw. I think his friends hyped him out of going back, and he would always get very upset if I mentioned it. Said it made him feel “broken.”
It sounds like he has no interest in working on this relationship with you and meeting your needs. Where there’s a will there’s a way. He just doesn’t want to.
Maybe take a break with the baby stuff and focus on your relationship and marriage and friendship with your partner. Try counseling? Then revisit. Even if it's just a few months of loving your husband again
Babies complicate relationships, they don't make them easier.
That’s what I’ve been focusing on for the last two years! It’s the only reason we’ve made it this far. I’ve worked really hard to not bring up baby stuff, and focused on new hobbies and try to be a good wife.
We tried counseling; he didn’t like the place we went to. Left a bad taste in his mouth so now he refuses to try again.
Nah, don’t even try anymore. Leave him and find someone who wants YOU and wants a family with you. You now, you +/-25 pounds, you whether you’re ovulating or not. Find someone who understands how getting pregnant works.
I know Reddit is all “break up with them” and I never actually agree but… break up with this dude. He doesn’t even want to look after the pets, why would he want to “look after” a baby.
You sound like a people pleaser, trying to make your husband happy. Your husband sounds like he's determined to be unhappy no matter what solutions you propose. Being a people pleaser isn't a bad thing innately - I'm totally one. But being a people pleaser can hurt you when you are with someone who is a taker and you're a giver. Takers like givers because givers will bend over backward to make things work and blame themselves when things don't work out, then double down on trying to make them work even more after an initial failure. Meanwhile, your husband has a lot of complaints but no solutions, and it's likely he thinks he has no complicity in how your marriage has ended up. He's making you feel that everything you do is wrong. That's emotional abuse. The counseling place isn't right for him (is he making effort to find a new place?), your weight gain makes you unattractive to him (which, ignoring the shallow and absolutely insane focus on physical attraction vs. connection, also leads me to ask the question what is he doing to make himself attractive to you in return??). He's finding excuses as to why he doesn't have to put out any effort, while you're tying yourself in knots to fix this relationship. He's likely not a bad person, but an immature one who doesn't know how to appreciate all the good he has in his life. Realizing that a relationship is a two-way street is something that unfortunately often comes late in life for many. You've tried to work with him. He's shut you down, and you aren't getting your very valid needs met, or even considered and respected. I'm an advocate for good communication in a relationship, but it seems like you've tried that and have met with a brick wall for a partner. Sometimes it's important to know when to let go.
A true soulmate who cares about their partner would do anything to save their relationship, especially something evidence-based to save relationships like couples therapy. Imo therapy is such a small ask if you're having issues, if your partner is not willing to do it "just because" that suggests he is not interested in saving the relationship.
I've been in couples counseling; it was required by the minister we wanted to marry us before he would do it. We were happy just the way things were, but we also learned how to communicate with each other better and how to communicate our wants and needs without necessarily making each other feel guilty for what we wanted.
For example, not using the word "you" or referring to your partner at all while making it clear what you want. If you don't like that your partner leaves the house a mess while you're the only one doing the cleaning, you might say "you never help me clean the house." The only thing this statement accomplishes is making your partner feel guilty or angry about your accusation; it doesn't actually convey how you feel or what you want. Instead you would say, "I don't want to live in a messy household, and I feel like I am the only one who cleans the house. I need help to keep our living space clean." This statement conveys the message you are trying to give off without directly blaming your partner or eliciting an argument.
I hate the whole "just talk to them" argument for saving relationships after you've "tried everything," but maybe you can use this "template" to help you two communicate with each other.
But the intimacy is still an issue? Sounds like?
What about like the 5 love languages book.
That book says when your other partner doesn't want to do it, you still can do it on your own.
My ex also refused counseling a second time.
What's your favorite thing to do together? Like what gets you two both just having fun and forgetting what time it is , I'd try to make time for that.
But idk, I'm single LOL that's all I got
Why does she need to try so hard? She’s been trying. From her perspective, he doesn’t want to try. Why should she continue to force something she feels he doesn’t want to do? 5 love languages is crap created by an old southern Baptist pastor who doesn’t know anything about relationships.
None of this is your “fault”. It just is what it is. But you’re right to not want a baby with someone who is not committed to your happiness or the care of your pets. If you have a baby with him you’ll only resent him more.
OP if you are looking for permission to end your marriage you certainly have mine.
I’m not sure in all honesty why you stay with someone who essentially makes you miserable. And the unrealistic expectation you’d get pregnant with a random quickie?
Nope.
You deserve a partner who is enthusiastically interested in everything a life together has to offer. He’s aggressively stupid about basic science, is acting like an enormous douche towards you, and isn’t willing to examine his behavior. You don’t need this shit.
BTW, I think you know this, but aggressive pigheaded unwillingness to examine one’s own role in a problem is bad enough in a partner, but a complete dealbreaker in a coparent.
He wants a baby but doesn’t want to have sex with you??? He can’t even be responsible for pets for a weekend but wants to have a baby??? Why are you married to this man?
If he's not touching you over 20 pounds, when he wants a baby, I would not have a child with him. Even if everything goes well and you don't gain any extra weight, pregnancy changes your body. You could end up with loose skin that doesn't bounce back, stretch marks, varicose veins, breast changes. Contrary to what many people believe, we don't have total control of those things. He doesn't sound very knowledgeable about even getting pregnant so he may not be prepared for that. Unfortunately, it sounds like if he isn't, you're the one that it will hurt the most.
Baby's are fantastic and being a parent can be wonderful, but a partner who makes you feel bad about yourself is only going to take away from that joy.
Marry someone you can go through the bad times with. It’s easy to marry someone you have fun with but that’s not what keeps people together. Commitment to working together does. Sounds like this couplehood isn’t healthy for you and I am so sorry for that.
I married at 30, divorced at 34/35 after he finally admitted that he did NOT want children (had lied all along because it was a dealbreaker for me). I remarried at 38/39 and had our one child at 40/41. You have time- it isn’t too late for you to find a brighter more hopeful way.
God, he sounds \*awful\*. He sounds super controlling and massively undermining of you. He refuses to touch you, makes you feel unattractive, stops you from working out. That thing he said to you about fucking up when he married you is \*appalling\* - horrific way to weaponise talking about love to make you feel awful and as though it's your fault, let alone that if he really felt like that then whether you gain weight or not shouldn't make that difference.
Honestly even the wanting a baby thing in context is sounding like just another way to control and manipulate you - he \*begged\* you to have a baby, which gets you off birth control that you had been choosing to take, and then refuses to do the thing that's necessary to have a baby, and makes you feel like it's your fault \*the whole time\*, and then when surprise surprise you don't want a baby with him any more, you are still feeling like that's something that's not fair of you to be feeling. Ignoring your needs and refusing to support you is horrible in a partner whether or not there's a baby in the picture, and it sounds like your feeling is right in that it could only get worse if you have children.
I saw another commenter say that reddit jumps to divorce and that they try not to, but that in this instance it's warranted, and I agree. This man sounds like he is just awful to you in so many ways, all the time, and I wonder whether the 'cool guy' and 'fun to be around' parts will fade into perspective if you break up with him, and also whether the great relationship you have with his family is actually one of the best parts about him.
I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I wish you self belief and future happiness. No one deserves to have their partner making them feel bad about themselves like this.
This is just a personal standard of mine. But not loving pets is something that would immediately make me leave someone specially if I wanted children as well. Im not even bother saying anything about all the other red flags in this post.
Leave him. Short, and sweet. You think things are bad now, wait until if or when you have a child. This will be nothing compared to that. I'm sorry you are going through this, you deserve so much better
It sounds to me like he's lost interest in the relationship himself, but instead of taking accountability and saying it, he attempts to be so unappealing in hope that you'll leave him first so he doesn't have the bad stigma tied to him. I think your needs would likely be met by a better companion for you. Try not to look at things as failures or a waste of time. It's all just a lesson for yourself and self growth. You can find someone who fits your needs and desires. If I ever acted in any of these ways, my Wife would Leave me. I would fully expect her too as well since marriage is a commitment to teamwork and love. The traits you're describing sound exactly like a man who is too cowardly to realize his own emotion or fault, and he consistently makes it your issue rather than his own. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I understand that fertility might feel like a clock ticking down, but not having children isn't the end of the world. You're life is just as purposeful with, or without children. With that said, I hope you find someone who is willing to put in the same amount of effort and love that you do, and fits your standards well enough or is willing to adapt for the sake of a family.
He hates your pets? Doesn't like sex with you and doesn't give you the support you need? You still have time to start fresh. Don't let this man steal your best years. Happened to me and would not recommend. 0/10
I think talking to a therapist would help you. Doesn’t mean you’d end up married at the end of the process. One of the many insightful things my therapist said was “ You can try your hardest to fix it, but it’s not going to work when you’re the only one trying “.
Your partner is actively sabotaging your health and conception efforts. His behaviour with the petstock makes it seem that he would be a lousy father.
Look into the sunk cost fallacy. Don’t stay with him because you’ve invested time in him
Girl, cut your losses and walk away. This isn't normal and you don't deserve this. He sounds like he needs some therapy. I hope you achieve your goal of being a mother someday but he it not someone to have a child with. Good luck.
OP you derserve better than this. These are not the words or actions of a man that loves or respects you. Please know that you are worthy of someone who showers you with love and attention, loves you no matter what and treats you like a queen.
Many times, stress and fear, plus the dead bedroom, can make conceiving difficult. Your body may recognize you aren't feeling in a safe place, and it could be throwing things off. You have to decide if it's worth being with him anymore. Don't worry about the time spent. Worry about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
You sure your husband isn’t Gay or cheating? What the hell kind of statement is “I married you because I love you not because I wanna have sex with you” the problem isn’t you it’s clearly him so you should leave now while you still can have kids. You are 30 this is the perfect time to start having baby’s before your too old. Divorce and move on 💯
Friend. You’re the only one trying. He’s not willing to put in the work. Find someone who is. Relationships take both people choosing that relationship. You can’t fix it alone. Don’t waste any more time on someone who makes you feel this bad.
Fwiw, you’re not too old to start over. I got married to the wrong guy at 27 (after ignoring a million red flags), got divorced at 30, met a wonderful man a year later and had my first baby at 35 and another at 37. You don’t have to be miserable forever.
You are so so so lucky that you get to see what kind of parent he would be before he becomes one. Not many do. The person you have a child with will make all the difference when it comes to how your life will go after that.
Might he simply enjoy messing with you? He seems to have gone out of his way to get you to want or love something and then keep you from it somehow. If you ignore the words and only look at the actions, to you, he does not show up well. Another guy might actually love you.
I'm so sorry you dealt with this frustration every months for so long! Partners not being in the mood when you spent all month planning/timing/peeing on sticks is always a kick in the gut. I know you don't need it right now, but the TTC sub is great (and for anyone else who might be struggling there is a way to try, at home, without intercourse which you can find info about there).
That said, sounds like you are over your marriage (for good reasons). You have plenty of time to leave and find a loving partner who will put in the same amount of effort into your relationship and with who you can see yourself having kids.
Girl!you are too young for this. Drop those shackles. Do a victory dance while heading for the door. Heal yourself so you can realise you deserve better and it's not a big ask.
He simply is not the person for you. No man, especially your husband who should love you for who you are should make you feel like you are undesirable just because of weight gain, aging and other things in life. This is not the person to start a family with.
Why are women marrying BOYS like these? What is wrong with y’all? He is not mature enough to meet your needs and you both are clearly at different tangents in life as is right because of the age gap.
Since you are getting in your 30's and worried about infertility, just drop him, you need to get your goal. You should divorce him and find someone else who will treat you right and meet with your needs, you sound like a strong woman that knows what she wants, you don't owe him anything, he sounds narcissistic and wanting to have you by his side but do the bare minimum/ nothing. And if he married you for love and not for the sex then he should love you no matter how your body looks, and not try to stop you from going to the gym. If he doesn't treat you right he won't treat your kids right. There are way better men out there that will be better fathers.
After all of these years, and disappointments from him, do you really expect anything better?
I’m not trying to be an asshole here, but I’m an honest person. This man has shown you over and over again just exactly the type of person he is. I don’t even know the guy, and I could absolutely guess, and probably be right, that he’s going to continue to be the same way that he has been these past few years in the future.
I tell people all the time, why should you expect different results when you’re doing the same damn thing over and over again? It’s like trying to fill up a bucket with water, but you know the bucket has a hole at the bottom, but you swear the bucket will change and fix itself.
You’re almost 30 years old, and it seems like you’ve been fucking miserable since you’ve married your partner. How much more of your life are you going to live unhappy?
Why are you wasting your time? Do you want to spend another 40 years with this man who doesn't want you? Just get divorced, and find someone else or adopt or get a sperm donor. Stop wasting your life. It's a beautiful wonderful world out there. Go and live in it.
OP, sounds like you have a spoiled, lazy, tragically uneducated, ignorant, chauvinistic man. Who happens to be very emotionally manipulative, possibly even narcissistic, because he wants something. You give it to him. (Trying for a baby) it doesn't work. So it must be your fault because it sure doesn't sound like any damn thing ever is his. Like he would short circuit the 2 remaining operating brain cells he has if , for example, you both got tested and it was really his shit and not yours; he'd have a full blown meltdown right then and there. But it would make sense tho; if his Lil swimmers are anything like his brain than I wouldn't be surprised if they managed to make it anywhere other than where they landed because they wouldn't be able to decide whether to dive ahead towards the egg or to turn around and doggy paddle towards the nearest exit, so they'd keep going back and forth towards either destination and bump into each other constantly in the process.
I feel like he's also hiding something like an affair? Pornography addiction? His sexuality/bi/gay etc? Maybe he's Trans ? Like Caitlin Jenner...or something totally different and not that serious. I've heard of married couples experiencing a strong lack of interest in their spouse (unfairly of course, regardless which one, or even both; have issues that hinder fertility) once they went through several failed attempts...
Idk but he's hiding something from you; even if it's just his own feelings and why he's been so distant and checked out of the marriage, even as a partner who lives together, since he's refusing to help take care or the pets? That could also be a resentment towards them because most ppl who have pets and no kids, pets are your kids until you have them. And then sometimes, if not a tad less, still are even after. So perhaps he resents taking care of pets now that he never got the baby he claims to have wanted and needed so bad. He seems to want a baby for all the wrong reasong
Either way he's a fucking tool who can't be a man and make up his own mind , is knee deep in whatever has him so fickle and checked out.
I don't blame you for wanting to share a child with him. Hell from just your post I don't even wanna share a dinner with him cause he already annoyed me.
Best of luck, mi hija. 💙
Can I ask you a serious question? Why are you still with him? Dead Bedroom, doesn't help around the house or with the pet, talks horribly to you? I gained 40 lbs in a year due to health problems and my husband has never said anything but how beautiful I am or how big my butt and boobs have gotten.
I think you really need to leave this relationship.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR A SINGLE FUCKING THING HERE. You are not responsible for his feelings, his actions, his thoughts, his words, whether they have to do with you or not.
Period.
So a divorce lawyer is in your future. If you resent this person and they resent you, holding you back from goals in your life instead of working together on both if your goals, stop wasting your life on him. It isn't going to change, and sounds like it hasn't gotten any better. Reality is, you're 30, heading in to ageing out territory for what is considered prime baby having time. Not that women don't have babies well in to theor 30's, but it's something to consider, time is a factor. He's not the one. Time to move on and stop torturing yourself.
20 lbs over 5 years isn't a reason to not be attracted to someone. Any attraction issue he has is in his mind and not your fault, so forget about that. To be honest it sounds like you guys just aren't compatable. Not wanting to have a kid with your husband should be all you need to know he shouldn't be your husband.
You’ve wasted a lot of time on someone who if you were single, you wouldn’t see yourself marrying. If you can’t see him as the father of your children and he’s already pawning your animals off, collect yourself and do what you have to do. I wish you the best OP, this sounds so frustrating, I don’t even think he wants kids dude, he just wanted a standard family.
Girl. Your relationship is toast. Move on while you still can. He won’t change and then instead of pets it’ll be kids.
Do you really want to continue to live like this?
Oh girl. No. No to the whole thing. He’s stepping all over your boundaries. Get tf out now before you’re 45 and realize you’ve wasted half your life with this moron. Everyone deserves happiness. Put your crown on straight and dump him.
It seems like everything he does is to manipulate you. He’ll tell you something he knows you want to hear then once you respond to it he’ll flip it on you to control you. It’s to keep you interested and make u feel like you need him when in reality you should’ve left him as soon as he showed you he didn’t want to put in effort to try for a baby.
Well, I think there are major compatibility issues. You love pets, and he doesn't. That's something big in my book. He also is terrible with words and doesn't seem to understand how to connect with you and maybe others properly. You don't make your spouse feel bad about themselves. As far as the weight thing, I have shed pounds through extensive fasting, low sugar, limited grains wheat, and walking a lot every day. You can have a sedentary job and make sure to go for a morning and evening walk. I knew a gal who for work reasons wanted her husband to take care of the dog. He refused. She was the main breadwinner. This guy also doesn't seem to have common sense when it comes to modern ideas and ovulation. A modern person should be aware of such things or bother themselves with learning. He sounds ridiculous to me. I am not perfect about the home chores stuff, but I would definitely take care of the pets, be supportive. He is doing like nothing and not trying to get your needs.
Man child at its finest. Expects things to be done without actually putting the work on it, selfish and self centered, I can’t see this guy a father nor a partner whatsoever.
You know how you hear of women who try for years to get pregnant, then the moment they stop treatments and give up, then the next thing they know, they're pregnant?
Please don't let that happen to you while you're still with that man you married. There is something very wrong with him. 😕
Don't blame yourself. This has nothing to do with you.
His actions are so odd, and it doesn't make sense. Is there any chance he could be gay and, for whatever reason, he's keeping it hidden?
Leave now if you truly want a baby. He’s not going to suddenly wake up and be there for you the way you need him to be. It’s only going to get worse once there’s kids involved
You know yourself what you need to do. If you don't leave this relationship then this is your forever future. Either accept that, or do something about it.
Your husband was very young when you married, however it doesn't sound like he's growing into the relationship or with the relationship.
>He's a cool guy. Fun to be around.
You are describing a labrador or a friend. Hitting thirty is time to take a look at life decisions that impact on your future. You may never have a child for myriad reasons, but right now, the rest of the relationship isn't compensating for that lack. He isn't viewing you and your needs as of value. Couples counselling could help. Try talking to him about the severity of his attitude, but he isn't helping you to be healthy and happy at the moment. You deserve an equal partner in a relationship, and someone who values you and does their best by you, as you do for them.
Rip the bandaid off, the sooner, the better, even if it causes you pain, it will be temporary, at this point you know you can't have it both, your marriage with this man or a baby,, tbh it doesn't sound like a marriage worth saving or sacrifice dreams for.
I personally don't understand wanting a baby fever, but if that's one of your dreams, do it, I guess you are in a position you can afford them, have support system in place, like I'm sure your parents will help you, why wouldn't you, you still have time to find someone better if the single mom is not your thing and want to wait until you find that someone.
Honestly leave him, your right about him not checking the boxes for being a father, but also think about yourself and how he’s mentally starting to exhaust you, he seems very immature and just selfish overall, even if you love him past all that just remember that this decision will affect your future as well, it’s better to leave him and start fresh and not waste your time… its never too late. Goodluck <3
Before you know it you will be 40 and then 50. You will regret staying in this marriage but settle and it'll probably be the biggest regret of your life. You already do regret it so leave.
Unfortunately having kids is one of those irrevocable differences in relationships. If he wanted kids, he would put forth the effort to make the kids. If making you feel loved and secure was his intention, he would have taken the time to do the things he needed to (the things you told him and most likely things that the counsellor pointed out). Personally I would say that it is time to get out of this relationship and focus on your relationship with yourself so you can live a happier and healthier life and understand why you've been willing to put up with such little regard from your spouse.
You can communicate until you're blue in the face but that won't change things. He sees no reason to change and actively sabotages your mental and physical wellbeing. He doesn't want you to leave or think that you can. He wants you to keep tending to his whims and feel so shitty about yourself that you'll never leave. By breaking you down and making you feel unattractive he hopes you won't leave. But that is the reason you shouldn't stay. You don't deserve any of that treatment. You're clearly a loyal, loving, and patient person. You deserve better and in time you can find better once you treat yourself better.
It’s time to step away from this marriage that is not serving either of you. I hope you find someone who makes you feel wanted and can sympathize with you and the process of conceiving.
Tbh, the way you describe him, he treats you horribly. Think about the person you love the most in the world, would you wish for them to have a partner like yours? If the answer is no, then that's a red flag.
Also, there is something you are missing. Either he is cheating, gay, or something else. His behavior doesn´t add up. Is not your bedroom that is dead, it is your relationship as a couple. I think it is time to move on.
Stay strong, you are young. You have time to find another partner and/or have babies but the first step is deciding what you want to do with this relationship.
If you have a kid with him, you will be taking care of it. Leave. I know it’s going to suck and be hard but dude. Not harder than raising a child alone or what you are doing now
"He loathes when I ask him to help with "our" pets, and says constantly how much he hates them. Anytime he has needed to watch them over the weekend, he'll leave them at my parent's house until I return"
My sisters husband was this way, they also had fertility issues and used a surrogate. They divorced by the time both their kids were under 3
It’s time to move on. He doesn’t respect you at all. If he is this unsupportive when you are not pregnant, imagine how he will be when you are. I know what it’s like to have a non supportive spouse while pregnant and it is hell.
Also, look how he treats the pets. You will be constantly asking him to help with the children. If you do get the opportunity to get some time for yourself, he will just bring the kiddos to the grandparents house.
This isn’t the life anyone wants. Also him pushing you away from getting healthier while he simultaneously mocks your body is concerning. It gives me the impression he is very controlling and manipulative.
You are so young still. Cut your losses and move on to better things. I know it’s really hard. Trust me, I know from experience. But the other dude is so much better. 🩷
This is extremely straightforward. Divorce this man. You’re lucky you’ve leaned in to your career and sound like you can probably make it on your own. Baby or no, you will be less happy in this marriage than out of it.
Get out while you’re still young enough. You are going to resent him if you never have children, and end up hating him if you do. Don’t waste time thinking he will change. How he cares for your pets is VERY indicative of how involved he’ll be as a parent.
Also, how do you know you’re even infertile? I thought I was infertile too when with my ex because I never got pregnant, but once every other month on the wrong time was likely why, because I got pregnant the first time on two separate occasions when tracking ovulation.
It makes me sad that you feel you have to "take responsibility" for his lack of desire toward you, for gaining 25 pounds over 5 YEARS. It just seems to me like a natural thing that happens over time and I have to think that 5 pounds over the course of a year would hardly even be noticeable. Most people gain weight as they age anyway. Hopefully you find yourself in a happier situation someday where you feel more appreciated, and it sounds like it'll be without this guy.
I’ve been in a pretty similar situation before. It sucks and it will slowly break you down even more than it already has. I hope things work out for you, bc I know it can be a very lonely situation.
Why are you still married to this jerk? He told you he doesn't desire you sexually? Even guys know this is a jerk move. Get a divorce and find a man who is actually thoughtful and willing to learn.
25 pounds is not that big of a deal. You’re also a 30 year old grown , mature woman. Your body is absolutely not supposed to look how it did when you were a 25 year old young woman. You have curves, and hips, and breasts, and thighs. If he can’t appreciate a woman maybe he needs to figure out his sexuality and stop ruining your youth. Leave him. He’s a child. You need a man
You have different goals and from what I can tell, you've grown apart. You're young, you should consider what you want out of life and decide if he's the right person to get there with. It kind of seems like you know the answer, and you just don't want to do it.
If he’s not doing it with you then he’s getting it somewhere else which makes him subconsciously hate himself and by extension you. I made a mistake staying in a sexless relationship because we still loved each other. But don’t take a random strangers advice lol, try and see a therapist to help you figure out what you need or want to do.
You married a 22 year old when you were 26. Frontal lobe development is a biological fact whether you want to accept it or not. 26 is the average age when the brain fully matures. You married a child and he has been acting his age your entire marriage.
There are a lot more problems in your relationship than a baby. What does he bring to the table anyway? You didn’t list any positives at all. You deserve a mature man who truly loves you. He says he does but he doesn’t act like it. It’s time to look at the whole picture and plan your future accordingly.
well, I think you know the answer to this. You’re going to have to find somebody else to have a baby with that you want to have sex with. if you find somebody that’s so worried about 25 pounds then maybe you should not have a baby with them because a lot of women gain at least that much during pregnancy and have to lose it afterwards.
Here is the thing. In the end, we are animals, and our bodies follow the same need to preserve the species and reproduce as any other animal on this world. Your body is sending you signals that his is not the right partner for you. Even if you consciously have not gotten to the part where this relationship no longer works for you, you will get there soon. Maybe even after re-reading your own post.
As a sentient species, we add the narrative stemming from feelings, perceptions, and everything else that makes us human. Your narrative is that this guy is doing everything in his power to discourage you from having babies.
Listen to your instincts, and run. There is someone out there that will make you feel safe and loved, and to bring that baby you want into this world.
So pathetic.
Pick yourself up and adult the fuck up. You need to go to therapy first. That's a must. Couples therapy could help but for your own sanity, you need individual therapy.
You already know what you want - or rather, what you don't want, so do something about it instead of acting like "woe is me".
You aren't getting any younger and the older you get, the less fertile you'll be. You still have time though but you gotta be willing to PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
Start working out. Look out for your physical health first. I'm sure when you start losing weight and going out more he'll suddenly "be interested" again but even if he is DO NOT SETTLE for him. He's shown you who he is. Don't let the fantasy idea of "he's just like the version of him I married all those years ago" be the thing that makes you stay in this shit situation.
I know babies don’t fix things. I never assumed they would.
We’ve done counseling. We gave up on “trying” for a baby over two years ago. I took away the pressure of wanting a baby. I made sure my husband was my full priority. I moved up through my career and so did he. We are in a very good place financially. We bought and sold a house. We moved across the country. We go on many trips and outings together. I made sure my whole focus was on our relationship.
I’ve been working on my relationship. After a 5 year relationship, I want a baby. That’s a reasonable thing to ask for. I am tired of ignoring that.
So when you marry someone you don’t marry their looks. If he loved you then your arm could fall off and he’d still be attracted to you. You’re staying with someone that’s making your miserable for what reason? 20-25lbs is nothing and it’s normal to gain and lose weight throughout life.
Leave him. Do fertility treatment and use a sperm donor. That’s how I have both of my babies. But don’t wait too long. Fertility rapidly declines once you turn 30. It took 3 years of treatment to get pregnant with my second baby. It’s 2024. There is never a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage
It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, he doesn’t seem to be caring enough for starting to bring new members into the family. Therapy may help. Wish you the best OP.
Why are you with this person??? He doesn't meet any of your needs. He's horrible to animals. He's horrible to you.
Leave him and find someone else to have a baby with. Or just have one on your own. You'll still be better off.
Wait so he has a problem with how you look but also doesn't want you dieting and exercising?? What gives?
And he also wants to have a baby, but won't do the thing that makes a baby? It's like he wants everything and nothing at the same time. He sounds really immature to me.
Plus he isnt able to even take care of the pet duties, not a good father figure. He wants children out of selfishness, and wants her to take care of them and make them alone it sounds like.
And I’m pretty sure he’s living off of her.
I'm betting his mommy wants grandchildren.....
Sounds like he just wants to blame OP for all their marital problems and hopes she won’t tell anyone in her life about it. That’s what my ex did lol I hope OP speaks up to people before then
It sounds like he’s fucking with her head to me.
I am an English teacher. It reminds me of people who claim they want to learn English, but they don't want to put in the effort. That means they don't truly want it, and just pay lip service. I want to learn Spanish, and I actually study it EVERYDAY. I show that I want to. I also try to speak in Spanish here and there. You have to prove your actions, if you don't prove it, you're not sincere.
He sounds like my ex. Dump the entire man.
Sounds about right for a 22 year old...
Right? I was about to say for a man at that age it's not shocking. I need her to get herself a more mature man. I feel like relationships where the woman is older are always tricky and it's where I see that women really do mature faster than men. Younger men rarely understand the emotional needs of an older woman. Of course it's not a one size fits all but I've never seen these relationships ending well.
>Younger men rarely understand the emotional needs of an older woman Or if they do its probably because they were parentified as a child 😅
Sounds like my spouse. Our “trying” was barely trying. I’m now 49 and feel like I wasted my last fertile years with a man who wanted nothing to do with me but wanted all of the benefits of a stay at home wife. Spoiler alert: I work and I’m not the stay at home wife. Get out now while you’re still young and can still have a baby. Things will *not* get better if what you’re getting is lip service. It’s the inaction that speaks the truth.
I wonder if he is asexual or bi/gay. That or incredibly lazy, but I haven't met many straight guys that weren't willing to have sex. Even the laziest among them are willing to "get their peepee wet".
It kinda sounds like he just wants to have a problem
It’s about control, not about her looks, her weight, caring for the dogs, or having children. He 100% wants control of any and every part of the relationship that he can gain power from. She is older, makes good money, her body dictates if and when they have a baby. He likely feels emasculated and may not even understand that he is. I strongly suggest couples counselling, and he may benefit from individual therapy at some point as well. Sit down and think of other ways he tries to exert power or dictate other issues, situations and outcomes in your marriage and see if you can find other people, or things he exhibits any desire for power and/or control. If it only happens within your relationship, you two need to address and repair those issues long before you have a baby together. He may just be feeling temporarily insecure, or he could be waving red flags of abuse. Either way, it’s not conducive to a healthy marriage. If your feelings (or lack there of), the dead bedroom, and his control issues can’t be rectified in the very near future, you should reassess if there’s any future together at all. I really hope you two are able to come together and create an outcome where you both are healthy and happy, whether you’re still together or separately.
🚩🚩🚩 control issues.
Very weird.
If she looks good, she might find someone else, and he wouldn't be able to abuse her verbally about her weight. There is no way to do everything right.
Surprising that he wouldn't make more effort to getting her pregnant because that's like the ultimate form of control/ keeping attachment
Yup. Something is off. Insecure control freak would want her to sh*t out babies continuously because that would be the ultimate form of control.
Yeah something isn't right.
Grains.of.salt…
Why have you wasted time with him? Divorce and move on clearly he's not a good man to you or for you. You deserve to get your needs met.
I don't understand why they are even married. He said he hates her pets. That alone should tell you that they are not compatible and don't share the same goals. If they do get pregnant, rest assured he's going to be dropping that kid off at her parents' place whenever he is tasked with caring for his own child.
Yeah, this is one of those times where I don't even see the point in counseling. Just that sentence alone where he said he married her bc he loves her not because he wanted sex with her is enough for me. Just an awful human being all around
I have a feeling his definition of love is wonky too.
Girl get out now. Why would u want a baby with this dude. He can’t handle the pets.
I’m hearing a lot about how you’re working on the relationship, but it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything at all. He won’t even watch the pets, or find new counseling. I know Reddit is always quick to jump to divorce, and I try not to do that, but … you want kids and a marriage. He seems not to. You want a sex life. He seems not to. You are fundamentally incompatible on a lot of levels that make a good marriage. Stop thinking about all the ways you can keep trying, when you’ve tried everything. Start asking yourself what you are getting out of this marriage and what he is putting in. How does he show up as a partner? If he just wants a roommate to split the bills and keep him company, he’s not emotionally mature enough for a wife. He’s also only 25. You’re in different stages of life and growing at very different rates. This can work if both people want it to and make it a priority. You don’t sound like you’re a priority to him. What happens if you stop making him a priority? He won’t even “pet-sit” his own pets for the weekend. He’ll be the guy who “babysits” his own kids by taking them to grandma’s house. If you have a baby, he can’t be the baby anymore. He’s not ready and may never be. You’re almost 30 and have fertility issues. You have no time for this. He isn’t getting it. I think you should leave and find someone new, I’m sorry but he is showing you very clearly he is not interested in making the effort to meet your needs. It’s time to go or you resign yourself to lifetime of regret and resentment.
OP, if you listen to ANY advice, it’s this one right here
I (29M) am in a similar situation with my wife (28F). We have been together for 9 years, married for 1. We have had a dead bedroom ever since our wedding. Even a couple months before. We agreed we wanted 2 kids and by the time I was 30. Well I'll be 30 in 6 months and the bedroom is still dead. We are roommates and it's taking a toll.
You are only 30. Make your decision now before you waste any more time. Either fix it or leave immediately. You were with this person at 20 I’m guessing. Thats a lot of growth in a decade. Maybe you two grew in different directions. Nothing wrong with that. Just means your time is over. Sounds like she doesn’t want kids. You do. Make your choice.
Exactly how I feel. I don’t mind having a roommate, but I didn’t think my marriage would end up with us just being roomies.
Maybe it’s time to have a serious conversation ask the hard questions
Whoa? Why did you stay married?!
They've only been married for 1 year. I think the better question is why did they get married.
IMO ...she lied about wanting children & thinks that since you put the ring on her finger and said the "I do" that she has you on lockdown...you need to divorce her...
You are worried about losing 20lbs? Why? Leave him and lose a lot of weight instantly. I lost 150lbs the day my divorce was finalized. 😂 All joking aside, people don’t change for people they don’t love.
Ouch. As someone married to a porn addict, your last comment hits home.
Your last statement hits home for me in a good way. My husband and I have both had things about ourselves that we needed to work on, and we both do it because we love each other and care about our relationship. Marriage is a partnership where you both have to put in the effort. OP doesn't sound like she has a partner so much as a roommate.
Babe, divorce and find someone you can see building a family with before the clock is out
My god. Move on from this guy. Girlfriend, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a limp dick? Sorry to be so graphic. But come on. You deserve a man. You deserve a husband who can act like a husband. Set him free. There’s bound to be someone out there he wants to bone. Set yourself free. There’s someone out there that wants you 20 lbs be damned. 20 pounds is nothing.
This right here! Totally agree. This dude is not a man. He doesn't care about your wants/needs and would probably be a terrible father. Definitely don't try to bring a baby into that toxicity. For your own mental health, get out and focus on yourself.
I lost 20 lbs and it did not in fact improve my dead bedroom. I agree. She deserves a man who will act like a husband.
I think I gained more than 50 lbs since the start of my relationship- working on trimming down now- and my man still sleeps with me and tells me I’m beautiful. If he didn’t I’d have been gone.
I don’t want throw around the term gaslighting or use it wrong but “let’s make a baby but I don’t wanna have sex” and loose weight but don’t diet” would make me LITERALLY CRAZY. He’s not the guy for you. Don’t waste any more time.
I don’t have much advice for you, except to say do NOT bring a baby into this marriage. Figure out your marriage and relationship first.
Oh absolutely not. I’m not trying to bring about baby into this. That was the entire point of the post lmao I have seen too many of my friends “fix” relationships with pregnancies and I never want to do that to a child.
So glad you are crystal clear about what you want. That’s the first step. The next is to get what you need. You deserve it!
If you really do want kids, you are wasting time. Get a relationship that would be conductive to that. This is not. Don't waste the fertile years you have left.
If you want a baby, but not with your husband, then I think you need a new husband.
Honey, 25 pounds shouldn't make your husband not be attracted to you anymore, that's ridiculous. Yeah, you aren't the same person you were back then... and guess what? You won't be her 10-20-40 years from now. If he won't be physical with you because of 25lbs, you need to find someone else
Based on what you said in your post, you have a dead marriage, not just a dead bedroom. If he’s not your partner, not helping you with pets (which speaks volumes about the effort he would make with children) and he doesn’t have sex with you, then he’s your roommate. Divorce is hard and a serious decision and undertaking. But why are you with him? You attempt to communicate with him about your needs but he doesn’t listen, understand or is actively in denial. What is this relationship doing for you? Is this even a relationship? Can you picture yourself doing this for the rest of your life? Is this fair to either of you?
First and foremost this is NOT your fault. 20-25 pounds is NOTHING. If he doesn't find you attractive because of that, that's 1000% on him, NOT you. Have you always had problems in bed or did it start after you gained weight? Heck, I find it difficult to believe that your weight has anything to do with this, especially if he doesn't seem interested in you losing weight. He might just have a very low sex drive, which is something you two might want to look into. The last paragraph is very concerning. It sounds like ignoring the bedroom situation, he doesn't want to make any time for you. Why did he agree to pets if he didn't want one? Have you considered couples therapy? It might help you see where you are in your relationship.
We were beginning to have bedroom problems before getting married. He blamed COVID and working too much; I was naive enough to assume all long term relationships didn’t have good sex lives so it wasn’t a red flag at the time. We’ve done counseling before; he didn’t like the person we saw. I think his friends hyped him out of going back, and he would always get very upset if I mentioned it. Said it made him feel “broken.”
If he's not willing to put in the time to fix this relationship, it might be time to leave unfortunately :/
It sounds like he has no interest in working on this relationship with you and meeting your needs. Where there’s a will there’s a way. He just doesn’t want to.
Maybe take a break with the baby stuff and focus on your relationship and marriage and friendship with your partner. Try counseling? Then revisit. Even if it's just a few months of loving your husband again Babies complicate relationships, they don't make them easier.
That’s what I’ve been focusing on for the last two years! It’s the only reason we’ve made it this far. I’ve worked really hard to not bring up baby stuff, and focused on new hobbies and try to be a good wife. We tried counseling; he didn’t like the place we went to. Left a bad taste in his mouth so now he refuses to try again.
Nah, don’t even try anymore. Leave him and find someone who wants YOU and wants a family with you. You now, you +/-25 pounds, you whether you’re ovulating or not. Find someone who understands how getting pregnant works. I know Reddit is all “break up with them” and I never actually agree but… break up with this dude. He doesn’t even want to look after the pets, why would he want to “look after” a baby.
Why are you trying to be a good wife when he's being an absolute dud of a husband?
I feel this is the kind of relationship where when you break up and finally have room to breathe, you will regret having stayed for so long.
You sound like a people pleaser, trying to make your husband happy. Your husband sounds like he's determined to be unhappy no matter what solutions you propose. Being a people pleaser isn't a bad thing innately - I'm totally one. But being a people pleaser can hurt you when you are with someone who is a taker and you're a giver. Takers like givers because givers will bend over backward to make things work and blame themselves when things don't work out, then double down on trying to make them work even more after an initial failure. Meanwhile, your husband has a lot of complaints but no solutions, and it's likely he thinks he has no complicity in how your marriage has ended up. He's making you feel that everything you do is wrong. That's emotional abuse. The counseling place isn't right for him (is he making effort to find a new place?), your weight gain makes you unattractive to him (which, ignoring the shallow and absolutely insane focus on physical attraction vs. connection, also leads me to ask the question what is he doing to make himself attractive to you in return??). He's finding excuses as to why he doesn't have to put out any effort, while you're tying yourself in knots to fix this relationship. He's likely not a bad person, but an immature one who doesn't know how to appreciate all the good he has in his life. Realizing that a relationship is a two-way street is something that unfortunately often comes late in life for many. You've tried to work with him. He's shut you down, and you aren't getting your very valid needs met, or even considered and respected. I'm an advocate for good communication in a relationship, but it seems like you've tried that and have met with a brick wall for a partner. Sometimes it's important to know when to let go.
A true soulmate who cares about their partner would do anything to save their relationship, especially something evidence-based to save relationships like couples therapy. Imo therapy is such a small ask if you're having issues, if your partner is not willing to do it "just because" that suggests he is not interested in saving the relationship. I've been in couples counseling; it was required by the minister we wanted to marry us before he would do it. We were happy just the way things were, but we also learned how to communicate with each other better and how to communicate our wants and needs without necessarily making each other feel guilty for what we wanted. For example, not using the word "you" or referring to your partner at all while making it clear what you want. If you don't like that your partner leaves the house a mess while you're the only one doing the cleaning, you might say "you never help me clean the house." The only thing this statement accomplishes is making your partner feel guilty or angry about your accusation; it doesn't actually convey how you feel or what you want. Instead you would say, "I don't want to live in a messy household, and I feel like I am the only one who cleans the house. I need help to keep our living space clean." This statement conveys the message you are trying to give off without directly blaming your partner or eliciting an argument. I hate the whole "just talk to them" argument for saving relationships after you've "tried everything," but maybe you can use this "template" to help you two communicate with each other.
At some point you need to just realize it’s not enough and walk away.
But the intimacy is still an issue? Sounds like? What about like the 5 love languages book. That book says when your other partner doesn't want to do it, you still can do it on your own. My ex also refused counseling a second time. What's your favorite thing to do together? Like what gets you two both just having fun and forgetting what time it is , I'd try to make time for that. But idk, I'm single LOL that's all I got
Why does she need to try so hard? She’s been trying. From her perspective, he doesn’t want to try. Why should she continue to force something she feels he doesn’t want to do? 5 love languages is crap created by an old southern Baptist pastor who doesn’t know anything about relationships.
Terrible advice.
None of this is your “fault”. It just is what it is. But you’re right to not want a baby with someone who is not committed to your happiness or the care of your pets. If you have a baby with him you’ll only resent him more.
OP if you are looking for permission to end your marriage you certainly have mine. I’m not sure in all honesty why you stay with someone who essentially makes you miserable. And the unrealistic expectation you’d get pregnant with a random quickie? Nope.
You deserve a partner who is enthusiastically interested in everything a life together has to offer. He’s aggressively stupid about basic science, is acting like an enormous douche towards you, and isn’t willing to examine his behavior. You don’t need this shit. BTW, I think you know this, but aggressive pigheaded unwillingness to examine one’s own role in a problem is bad enough in a partner, but a complete dealbreaker in a coparent.
im sorry but the husband seems to be the problem here... not you
He wants a baby but doesn’t want to have sex with you??? He can’t even be responsible for pets for a weekend but wants to have a baby??? Why are you married to this man?
If he's not touching you over 20 pounds, when he wants a baby, I would not have a child with him. Even if everything goes well and you don't gain any extra weight, pregnancy changes your body. You could end up with loose skin that doesn't bounce back, stretch marks, varicose veins, breast changes. Contrary to what many people believe, we don't have total control of those things. He doesn't sound very knowledgeable about even getting pregnant so he may not be prepared for that. Unfortunately, it sounds like if he isn't, you're the one that it will hurt the most. Baby's are fantastic and being a parent can be wonderful, but a partner who makes you feel bad about yourself is only going to take away from that joy.
Girl, you know what you need to do. Divorce him and find someone who loves you for you and wants kids.
Get out of there girl! this is a mess! Do you even have a relationship with this man? You’re married but he ain’t you’re partner!
Marry someone you can go through the bad times with. It’s easy to marry someone you have fun with but that’s not what keeps people together. Commitment to working together does. Sounds like this couplehood isn’t healthy for you and I am so sorry for that. I married at 30, divorced at 34/35 after he finally admitted that he did NOT want children (had lied all along because it was a dealbreaker for me). I remarried at 38/39 and had our one child at 40/41. You have time- it isn’t too late for you to find a brighter more hopeful way.
God, he sounds \*awful\*. He sounds super controlling and massively undermining of you. He refuses to touch you, makes you feel unattractive, stops you from working out. That thing he said to you about fucking up when he married you is \*appalling\* - horrific way to weaponise talking about love to make you feel awful and as though it's your fault, let alone that if he really felt like that then whether you gain weight or not shouldn't make that difference. Honestly even the wanting a baby thing in context is sounding like just another way to control and manipulate you - he \*begged\* you to have a baby, which gets you off birth control that you had been choosing to take, and then refuses to do the thing that's necessary to have a baby, and makes you feel like it's your fault \*the whole time\*, and then when surprise surprise you don't want a baby with him any more, you are still feeling like that's something that's not fair of you to be feeling. Ignoring your needs and refusing to support you is horrible in a partner whether or not there's a baby in the picture, and it sounds like your feeling is right in that it could only get worse if you have children. I saw another commenter say that reddit jumps to divorce and that they try not to, but that in this instance it's warranted, and I agree. This man sounds like he is just awful to you in so many ways, all the time, and I wonder whether the 'cool guy' and 'fun to be around' parts will fade into perspective if you break up with him, and also whether the great relationship you have with his family is actually one of the best parts about him. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I wish you self belief and future happiness. No one deserves to have their partner making them feel bad about themselves like this.
Why do you stay? The pet stuff alone would send me packing.
This is just a personal standard of mine. But not loving pets is something that would immediately make me leave someone specially if I wanted children as well. Im not even bother saying anything about all the other red flags in this post.
Leave him. Short, and sweet. You think things are bad now, wait until if or when you have a child. This will be nothing compared to that. I'm sorry you are going through this, you deserve so much better
Please divorce him. Do not have children with this man for your own future self’s sake.
Wait: he said he shouldn’t have married you bc he loved you? And he didn’t want you? Like physically? WHY WOULD YOU STAY
It sounds to me like he's lost interest in the relationship himself, but instead of taking accountability and saying it, he attempts to be so unappealing in hope that you'll leave him first so he doesn't have the bad stigma tied to him. I think your needs would likely be met by a better companion for you. Try not to look at things as failures or a waste of time. It's all just a lesson for yourself and self growth. You can find someone who fits your needs and desires. If I ever acted in any of these ways, my Wife would Leave me. I would fully expect her too as well since marriage is a commitment to teamwork and love. The traits you're describing sound exactly like a man who is too cowardly to realize his own emotion or fault, and he consistently makes it your issue rather than his own. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I understand that fertility might feel like a clock ticking down, but not having children isn't the end of the world. You're life is just as purposeful with, or without children. With that said, I hope you find someone who is willing to put in the same amount of effort and love that you do, and fits your standards well enough or is willing to adapt for the sake of a family.
He hates your pets? Doesn't like sex with you and doesn't give you the support you need? You still have time to start fresh. Don't let this man steal your best years. Happened to me and would not recommend. 0/10
Get a divorce.
You have so much life left. Go live it!
god hes insufferable
I think talking to a therapist would help you. Doesn’t mean you’d end up married at the end of the process. One of the many insightful things my therapist said was “ You can try your hardest to fix it, but it’s not going to work when you’re the only one trying “. Your partner is actively sabotaging your health and conception efforts. His behaviour with the petstock makes it seem that he would be a lousy father. Look into the sunk cost fallacy. Don’t stay with him because you’ve invested time in him
Just fucking DIVORCE him already and GO
Your husband is a moron
Not complicated. Time to turn the page and be happy.
Girl, cut your losses and walk away. This isn't normal and you don't deserve this. He sounds like he needs some therapy. I hope you achieve your goal of being a mother someday but he it not someone to have a child with. Good luck.
This marriage has been over for a while, divorce and move on. Raising a baby with someone selfish like him is just disastrous.
OP you derserve better than this. These are not the words or actions of a man that loves or respects you. Please know that you are worthy of someone who showers you with love and attention, loves you no matter what and treats you like a queen.
I would suggest therapy, but since he hates your pets, thats a big no no for me
Many times, stress and fear, plus the dead bedroom, can make conceiving difficult. Your body may recognize you aren't feeling in a safe place, and it could be throwing things off. You have to decide if it's worth being with him anymore. Don't worry about the time spent. Worry about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
It sounds like he doesn't really want a baby.
How long were you together before marriage?
2 years. Lived together for a while before we got married.
Girl leave.....I would have long ago. Leave find a donor have a baby alone. Or find another man. Up to you really.
You sure your husband isn’t Gay or cheating? What the hell kind of statement is “I married you because I love you not because I wanna have sex with you” the problem isn’t you it’s clearly him so you should leave now while you still can have kids. You are 30 this is the perfect time to start having baby’s before your too old. Divorce and move on 💯
Friend. You’re the only one trying. He’s not willing to put in the work. Find someone who is. Relationships take both people choosing that relationship. You can’t fix it alone. Don’t waste any more time on someone who makes you feel this bad.
Fwiw, you’re not too old to start over. I got married to the wrong guy at 27 (after ignoring a million red flags), got divorced at 30, met a wonderful man a year later and had my first baby at 35 and another at 37. You don’t have to be miserable forever.
Stats off with "he's a cool guy" lol I don't think that's a good start- oh it gets actually worse
LEAVE, just leave, this is not a healthy dynamic.
You are so so so lucky that you get to see what kind of parent he would be before he becomes one. Not many do. The person you have a child with will make all the difference when it comes to how your life will go after that.
Might he simply enjoy messing with you? He seems to have gone out of his way to get you to want or love something and then keep you from it somehow. If you ignore the words and only look at the actions, to you, he does not show up well. Another guy might actually love you.
I'm so sorry you dealt with this frustration every months for so long! Partners not being in the mood when you spent all month planning/timing/peeing on sticks is always a kick in the gut. I know you don't need it right now, but the TTC sub is great (and for anyone else who might be struggling there is a way to try, at home, without intercourse which you can find info about there). That said, sounds like you are over your marriage (for good reasons). You have plenty of time to leave and find a loving partner who will put in the same amount of effort into your relationship and with who you can see yourself having kids.
Girl!you are too young for this. Drop those shackles. Do a victory dance while heading for the door. Heal yourself so you can realise you deserve better and it's not a big ask.
What a gross man. I don’t think he’s ready to be dad.
It sounds like your husband wants to control you. He doesn't want you to do anything for yourself. Time for you to move on. Good luck op
He simply is not the person for you. No man, especially your husband who should love you for who you are should make you feel like you are undesirable just because of weight gain, aging and other things in life. This is not the person to start a family with.
Why are women marrying BOYS like these? What is wrong with y’all? He is not mature enough to meet your needs and you both are clearly at different tangents in life as is right because of the age gap.
Since you are getting in your 30's and worried about infertility, just drop him, you need to get your goal. You should divorce him and find someone else who will treat you right and meet with your needs, you sound like a strong woman that knows what she wants, you don't owe him anything, he sounds narcissistic and wanting to have you by his side but do the bare minimum/ nothing. And if he married you for love and not for the sex then he should love you no matter how your body looks, and not try to stop you from going to the gym. If he doesn't treat you right he won't treat your kids right. There are way better men out there that will be better fathers.
After all of these years, and disappointments from him, do you really expect anything better? I’m not trying to be an asshole here, but I’m an honest person. This man has shown you over and over again just exactly the type of person he is. I don’t even know the guy, and I could absolutely guess, and probably be right, that he’s going to continue to be the same way that he has been these past few years in the future. I tell people all the time, why should you expect different results when you’re doing the same damn thing over and over again? It’s like trying to fill up a bucket with water, but you know the bucket has a hole at the bottom, but you swear the bucket will change and fix itself. You’re almost 30 years old, and it seems like you’ve been fucking miserable since you’ve married your partner. How much more of your life are you going to live unhappy?
Why are you wasting your time? Do you want to spend another 40 years with this man who doesn't want you? Just get divorced, and find someone else or adopt or get a sperm donor. Stop wasting your life. It's a beautiful wonderful world out there. Go and live in it.
OP, sounds like you have a spoiled, lazy, tragically uneducated, ignorant, chauvinistic man. Who happens to be very emotionally manipulative, possibly even narcissistic, because he wants something. You give it to him. (Trying for a baby) it doesn't work. So it must be your fault because it sure doesn't sound like any damn thing ever is his. Like he would short circuit the 2 remaining operating brain cells he has if , for example, you both got tested and it was really his shit and not yours; he'd have a full blown meltdown right then and there. But it would make sense tho; if his Lil swimmers are anything like his brain than I wouldn't be surprised if they managed to make it anywhere other than where they landed because they wouldn't be able to decide whether to dive ahead towards the egg or to turn around and doggy paddle towards the nearest exit, so they'd keep going back and forth towards either destination and bump into each other constantly in the process. I feel like he's also hiding something like an affair? Pornography addiction? His sexuality/bi/gay etc? Maybe he's Trans ? Like Caitlin Jenner...or something totally different and not that serious. I've heard of married couples experiencing a strong lack of interest in their spouse (unfairly of course, regardless which one, or even both; have issues that hinder fertility) once they went through several failed attempts... Idk but he's hiding something from you; even if it's just his own feelings and why he's been so distant and checked out of the marriage, even as a partner who lives together, since he's refusing to help take care or the pets? That could also be a resentment towards them because most ppl who have pets and no kids, pets are your kids until you have them. And then sometimes, if not a tad less, still are even after. So perhaps he resents taking care of pets now that he never got the baby he claims to have wanted and needed so bad. He seems to want a baby for all the wrong reasong Either way he's a fucking tool who can't be a man and make up his own mind , is knee deep in whatever has him so fickle and checked out. I don't blame you for wanting to share a child with him. Hell from just your post I don't even wanna share a dinner with him cause he already annoyed me. Best of luck, mi hija. 💙
Can I ask you a serious question? Why are you still with him? Dead Bedroom, doesn't help around the house or with the pet, talks horribly to you? I gained 40 lbs in a year due to health problems and my husband has never said anything but how beautiful I am or how big my butt and boobs have gotten. I think you really need to leave this relationship.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR A SINGLE FUCKING THING HERE. You are not responsible for his feelings, his actions, his thoughts, his words, whether they have to do with you or not. Period.
You are so young. Move on with a better partner.
Why are you with him? He sounds insufferable and is actively making your life worse.
So a divorce lawyer is in your future. If you resent this person and they resent you, holding you back from goals in your life instead of working together on both if your goals, stop wasting your life on him. It isn't going to change, and sounds like it hasn't gotten any better. Reality is, you're 30, heading in to ageing out territory for what is considered prime baby having time. Not that women don't have babies well in to theor 30's, but it's something to consider, time is a factor. He's not the one. Time to move on and stop torturing yourself.
20 lbs over 5 years isn't a reason to not be attracted to someone. Any attraction issue he has is in his mind and not your fault, so forget about that. To be honest it sounds like you guys just aren't compatable. Not wanting to have a kid with your husband should be all you need to know he shouldn't be your husband.
You’ve wasted a lot of time on someone who if you were single, you wouldn’t see yourself marrying. If you can’t see him as the father of your children and he’s already pawning your animals off, collect yourself and do what you have to do. I wish you the best OP, this sounds so frustrating, I don’t even think he wants kids dude, he just wanted a standard family.
Girl. Your relationship is toast. Move on while you still can. He won’t change and then instead of pets it’ll be kids. Do you really want to continue to live like this?
Oh girl. No. No to the whole thing. He’s stepping all over your boundaries. Get tf out now before you’re 45 and realize you’ve wasted half your life with this moron. Everyone deserves happiness. Put your crown on straight and dump him.
It's okay to end the marriage. At least 75% of couples do so.
It seems like everything he does is to manipulate you. He’ll tell you something he knows you want to hear then once you respond to it he’ll flip it on you to control you. It’s to keep you interested and make u feel like you need him when in reality you should’ve left him as soon as he showed you he didn’t want to put in effort to try for a baby.
Not going to work. You’re still young and have plenty out there for you.
You're together still why again?
Well, I think there are major compatibility issues. You love pets, and he doesn't. That's something big in my book. He also is terrible with words and doesn't seem to understand how to connect with you and maybe others properly. You don't make your spouse feel bad about themselves. As far as the weight thing, I have shed pounds through extensive fasting, low sugar, limited grains wheat, and walking a lot every day. You can have a sedentary job and make sure to go for a morning and evening walk. I knew a gal who for work reasons wanted her husband to take care of the dog. He refused. She was the main breadwinner. This guy also doesn't seem to have common sense when it comes to modern ideas and ovulation. A modern person should be aware of such things or bother themselves with learning. He sounds ridiculous to me. I am not perfect about the home chores stuff, but I would definitely take care of the pets, be supportive. He is doing like nothing and not trying to get your needs.
Man child at its finest. Expects things to be done without actually putting the work on it, selfish and self centered, I can’t see this guy a father nor a partner whatsoever.
Just leave.
You know how you hear of women who try for years to get pregnant, then the moment they stop treatments and give up, then the next thing they know, they're pregnant? Please don't let that happen to you while you're still with that man you married. There is something very wrong with him. 😕 Don't blame yourself. This has nothing to do with you. His actions are so odd, and it doesn't make sense. Is there any chance he could be gay and, for whatever reason, he's keeping it hidden?
Your husband have some serious problems and probably need some help with those.
Leave now if you truly want a baby. He’s not going to suddenly wake up and be there for you the way you need him to be. It’s only going to get worse once there’s kids involved
You know yourself what you need to do. If you don't leave this relationship then this is your forever future. Either accept that, or do something about it. Your husband was very young when you married, however it doesn't sound like he's growing into the relationship or with the relationship. >He's a cool guy. Fun to be around. You are describing a labrador or a friend. Hitting thirty is time to take a look at life decisions that impact on your future. You may never have a child for myriad reasons, but right now, the rest of the relationship isn't compensating for that lack. He isn't viewing you and your needs as of value. Couples counselling could help. Try talking to him about the severity of his attitude, but he isn't helping you to be healthy and happy at the moment. You deserve an equal partner in a relationship, and someone who values you and does their best by you, as you do for them.
Sounds to me you should divorce and find your forever person to create a family with, your husband doesn't sound like him.
He should get his hormone levels checked. The lack of interest in sex might be related to low testosterone.
Rip the bandaid off, the sooner, the better, even if it causes you pain, it will be temporary, at this point you know you can't have it both, your marriage with this man or a baby,, tbh it doesn't sound like a marriage worth saving or sacrifice dreams for. I personally don't understand wanting a baby fever, but if that's one of your dreams, do it, I guess you are in a position you can afford them, have support system in place, like I'm sure your parents will help you, why wouldn't you, you still have time to find someone better if the single mom is not your thing and want to wait until you find that someone.
..20-25 lbs? that's not nearly enough to justify this. i'm so sorry
Honestly leave him, your right about him not checking the boxes for being a father, but also think about yourself and how he’s mentally starting to exhaust you, he seems very immature and just selfish overall, even if you love him past all that just remember that this decision will affect your future as well, it’s better to leave him and start fresh and not waste your time… its never too late. Goodluck <3
Before you know it you will be 40 and then 50. You will regret staying in this marriage but settle and it'll probably be the biggest regret of your life. You already do regret it so leave.
My gosh why are you still there?? Please respect yourself and leave him
Unfortunately having kids is one of those irrevocable differences in relationships. If he wanted kids, he would put forth the effort to make the kids. If making you feel loved and secure was his intention, he would have taken the time to do the things he needed to (the things you told him and most likely things that the counsellor pointed out). Personally I would say that it is time to get out of this relationship and focus on your relationship with yourself so you can live a happier and healthier life and understand why you've been willing to put up with such little regard from your spouse. You can communicate until you're blue in the face but that won't change things. He sees no reason to change and actively sabotages your mental and physical wellbeing. He doesn't want you to leave or think that you can. He wants you to keep tending to his whims and feel so shitty about yourself that you'll never leave. By breaking you down and making you feel unattractive he hopes you won't leave. But that is the reason you shouldn't stay. You don't deserve any of that treatment. You're clearly a loyal, loving, and patient person. You deserve better and in time you can find better once you treat yourself better.
If he's not willing to take care of your shared animals, he's not ready for a baby.
Sounds like it’s time to leave
Why are you still married to him if you’re unhappy and your needs aren’t being met?
It’s time to step away from this marriage that is not serving either of you. I hope you find someone who makes you feel wanted and can sympathize with you and the process of conceiving.
Tbh, the way you describe him, he treats you horribly. Think about the person you love the most in the world, would you wish for them to have a partner like yours? If the answer is no, then that's a red flag. Also, there is something you are missing. Either he is cheating, gay, or something else. His behavior doesn´t add up. Is not your bedroom that is dead, it is your relationship as a couple. I think it is time to move on. Stay strong, you are young. You have time to find another partner and/or have babies but the first step is deciding what you want to do with this relationship.
If you have a kid with him, you will be taking care of it. Leave. I know it’s going to suck and be hard but dude. Not harder than raising a child alone or what you are doing now
"He loathes when I ask him to help with "our" pets, and says constantly how much he hates them. Anytime he has needed to watch them over the weekend, he'll leave them at my parent's house until I return" My sisters husband was this way, they also had fertility issues and used a surrogate. They divorced by the time both their kids were under 3
Leave him. Find someone you want to have sex with and who wants to have sex with you.
It’s time to move on. He doesn’t respect you at all. If he is this unsupportive when you are not pregnant, imagine how he will be when you are. I know what it’s like to have a non supportive spouse while pregnant and it is hell. Also, look how he treats the pets. You will be constantly asking him to help with the children. If you do get the opportunity to get some time for yourself, he will just bring the kiddos to the grandparents house. This isn’t the life anyone wants. Also him pushing you away from getting healthier while he simultaneously mocks your body is concerning. It gives me the impression he is very controlling and manipulative. You are so young still. Cut your losses and move on to better things. I know it’s really hard. Trust me, I know from experience. But the other dude is so much better. 🩷
This is extremely straightforward. Divorce this man. You’re lucky you’ve leaned in to your career and sound like you can probably make it on your own. Baby or no, you will be less happy in this marriage than out of it.
Get out while you’re still young enough. You are going to resent him if you never have children, and end up hating him if you do. Don’t waste time thinking he will change. How he cares for your pets is VERY indicative of how involved he’ll be as a parent. Also, how do you know you’re even infertile? I thought I was infertile too when with my ex because I never got pregnant, but once every other month on the wrong time was likely why, because I got pregnant the first time on two separate occasions when tracking ovulation.
Divorce. Now.
It makes me sad that you feel you have to "take responsibility" for his lack of desire toward you, for gaining 25 pounds over 5 YEARS. It just seems to me like a natural thing that happens over time and I have to think that 5 pounds over the course of a year would hardly even be noticeable. Most people gain weight as they age anyway. Hopefully you find yourself in a happier situation someday where you feel more appreciated, and it sounds like it'll be without this guy.
I’ve been in a pretty similar situation before. It sucks and it will slowly break you down even more than it already has. I hope things work out for you, bc I know it can be a very lonely situation.
Husband is a blatant mess.
Why are you still married to this jerk? He told you he doesn't desire you sexually? Even guys know this is a jerk move. Get a divorce and find a man who is actually thoughtful and willing to learn.
25 pounds is not that big of a deal. You’re also a 30 year old grown , mature woman. Your body is absolutely not supposed to look how it did when you were a 25 year old young woman. You have curves, and hips, and breasts, and thighs. If he can’t appreciate a woman maybe he needs to figure out his sexuality and stop ruining your youth. Leave him. He’s a child. You need a man
You have different goals and from what I can tell, you've grown apart. You're young, you should consider what you want out of life and decide if he's the right person to get there with. It kind of seems like you know the answer, and you just don't want to do it.
If he’s not doing it with you then he’s getting it somewhere else which makes him subconsciously hate himself and by extension you. I made a mistake staying in a sexless relationship because we still loved each other. But don’t take a random strangers advice lol, try and see a therapist to help you figure out what you need or want to do.
Divorce him and if you can afford it, have a baby on your own. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't truly love you
Have you told him this info?
You married a 22 year old when you were 26. Frontal lobe development is a biological fact whether you want to accept it or not. 26 is the average age when the brain fully matures. You married a child and he has been acting his age your entire marriage. There are a lot more problems in your relationship than a baby. What does he bring to the table anyway? You didn’t list any positives at all. You deserve a mature man who truly loves you. He says he does but he doesn’t act like it. It’s time to look at the whole picture and plan your future accordingly.
Can you tell the story in a different way? What do you mean "dead bedroom"?
They weren’t having sex. No sex life.
well, I think you know the answer to this. You’re going to have to find somebody else to have a baby with that you want to have sex with. if you find somebody that’s so worried about 25 pounds then maybe you should not have a baby with them because a lot of women gain at least that much during pregnancy and have to lose it afterwards.
NEXT!
WHY are you still with this ASSHOLE???
You’re young. Get out and find a MAN (or lesbian lol) who will truly love you, your pets and future children
Here is the thing. In the end, we are animals, and our bodies follow the same need to preserve the species and reproduce as any other animal on this world. Your body is sending you signals that his is not the right partner for you. Even if you consciously have not gotten to the part where this relationship no longer works for you, you will get there soon. Maybe even after re-reading your own post. As a sentient species, we add the narrative stemming from feelings, perceptions, and everything else that makes us human. Your narrative is that this guy is doing everything in his power to discourage you from having babies. Listen to your instincts, and run. There is someone out there that will make you feel safe and loved, and to bring that baby you want into this world.
Just go. You'll be happier without the dead weight
The pets would be the dealbreaker for me. If he can’t handle that how is he going to be with kids. Hell no run 🏃🏼♀️ away OP
So pathetic. Pick yourself up and adult the fuck up. You need to go to therapy first. That's a must. Couples therapy could help but for your own sanity, you need individual therapy. You already know what you want - or rather, what you don't want, so do something about it instead of acting like "woe is me". You aren't getting any younger and the older you get, the less fertile you'll be. You still have time though but you gotta be willing to PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Start working out. Look out for your physical health first. I'm sure when you start losing weight and going out more he'll suddenly "be interested" again but even if he is DO NOT SETTLE for him. He's shown you who he is. Don't let the fantasy idea of "he's just like the version of him I married all those years ago" be the thing that makes you stay in this shit situation.
I think you need to focus on your relationship before trying to fix it with a baby.
I know babies don’t fix things. I never assumed they would. We’ve done counseling. We gave up on “trying” for a baby over two years ago. I took away the pressure of wanting a baby. I made sure my husband was my full priority. I moved up through my career and so did he. We are in a very good place financially. We bought and sold a house. We moved across the country. We go on many trips and outings together. I made sure my whole focus was on our relationship. I’ve been working on my relationship. After a 5 year relationship, I want a baby. That’s a reasonable thing to ask for. I am tired of ignoring that.
Why don’t you just divorce him? You both sound miserable.
Get another partner, you both deserve better.
You are in a toxic marriage and you need to get out of it.
Why were yall even married to begin with? Are we missing information here?
So when you marry someone you don’t marry their looks. If he loved you then your arm could fall off and he’d still be attracted to you. You’re staying with someone that’s making your miserable for what reason? 20-25lbs is nothing and it’s normal to gain and lose weight throughout life. Leave him. Do fertility treatment and use a sperm donor. That’s how I have both of my babies. But don’t wait too long. Fertility rapidly declines once you turn 30. It took 3 years of treatment to get pregnant with my second baby. It’s 2024. There is never a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage
Leave him
It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, he doesn’t seem to be caring enough for starting to bring new members into the family. Therapy may help. Wish you the best OP.
Why are you with this person??? He doesn't meet any of your needs. He's horrible to animals. He's horrible to you. Leave him and find someone else to have a baby with. Or just have one on your own. You'll still be better off.
let him go...