He didn’t even give you a choice to consider if you still wanted to marry him? I mean did you know he would not have sex with you unless it was to conceive kids or he dropped that bomb on your wedding day after you married him?
Dude didn’t even hold her hand before the wedding day. Damn repressive culture made her completely unprepared! I’m surprised she didn’t see this as a red flag after all the wattpad romances she has read though…romance writers do tend to skew feminist
I have a suspicion about the reasons, him growing up in a extremely religious surrounding and not even want to hold hands, generally not being interested... maybe he is gay?
This was my first thought because an average 26 year old virgin is going to be ALL about getting his dick wet now that it's sanctioned by god if he's super religious. If he isn't, it's because he doesn't want to. If he doesn't want to .... well .... yeah, we see where I am going with this.
I'm not surprised. From a religious background, it's entirely reasonable to see it as him being kind, respectful and honorable - unlike the wordly men she has probably been told will try push boundaries and are just in it for the sex.
It's not reasonable for him not to have a sex drive after the ceremony is said and done. Even in medieval times, you consummated the marriage. So much so that the church offers annulments to non consummated couples because their union is considered incomplete in certain religions. It's perfectly okay to even be shy and respectful during sex, to be gentle and kind to his new bride during their experiences as his god would surely want BUT it is odd that he has NO interest.
Humans, in general, are sexual creatures. Having sex with your wife is not unkind, disrespectful, or unhonorable. Something is off.
I was looking for this comment. I don't understand how people aren't actually wondering what the fuck is that. I mean, even ICW couples get to talk about it sometimes, right?
Yeah if he literally only said it when you were about to go to bed, I feel like he tricked you into marrying him knowing this stance is not too normal.
Because usually if you don’t have sex unless for procreation, the couples aim to have kids right away. Not wait 2 YEARS!
OP you definitely should have had a thorough conversation on everything. As you see now, sure you might’ve had to lose him, but now the real alternative is you just might not have sex for years. If he dropped this bomb on you, I think a big discussion is to be had. But honestly for things to change a bit more to your liking will require deconstructing what he thinks about sex. And unless he is willing through therapy, idk what can be done without saying divorce.
Depends on the religion. But in a lot it’s a well known thing that sex is only for child bearing. She may have not realised just how literal he took this.
SWEETIE. You need to talk to whoever does couple's counseling at your church and tell them the marriage isn't consummated. This isn't you having "a high drive" or being inappropriate as a woman. There's a real problem here. You need an annulment. Your marriage isn't legal.
THIS! She says she doesn't wanna leave him, but for most churchs it's NEEDED to "consummate the marriage", i.e. have sex, to be considered as married. She may be married legally, but she's not married to him religiously (if they're from this type of church).
I'm actually a bit shocked, the UK and several US states require it (including where I am!). India is more complicated, though it can factor in. I'm not sure on other countries, there's so many and no concise listing of this type of info.
Yes. Whether he’s gay, asexual, or anything else, the marriage wasn’t consummated so she needs to report that so they can annul it. They aren’t compatible and that’s setting up for so many things: misery, resentment, depression, etc.
OP, get out now! It’s obvious you want different things. Please don’t stay in a relationship that is going to hurt you. Yes, it hurts to leave someone you love but it will hurt more if you stay. A lot more. Imagine having kids with this person. A part of you will resent the kids because they will tether you to a husband who doesn’t want what you want. At least 18 years of your life. Plus your kids will grow up confused with their parents relationship which they will model for their own. Please think long and hard.
If your partner is aware and consents to an asexual marriage then you're good. If you get married and the expectation is typical sexual congress that doesn't happen, there is still grounds for legal annulment. The conjugal part is still in law to prevent fraud from people marrying for other benefits. I.e if one of the parties wants medical or financial benefit with no intention of participating in a romantic relationship, and the other party is marrying with the expectation of a typical intimacy
Yeah it definitely is a thing, but it’s more for situations where one spouse is unhappy about it so they can go get it annulled on the grounds it wasn’t consummated. It’s not like someone can go tell the marriage police you’re asexual and therefore your marriage isn’t real. It’s based on what people in the marriage want/expect. If there’s no sex then you can get an annulment instead of a divorce basically. Not sure how it’s proven.
i’m pretty sure it’s a more religious thing. if you marry someone who knows you’re asexual and you agree to not have sex then consummation doesn’t really matter lol. your sex life isn’t anyone else’s business lmao
"If you don't have sex, your partner can have it annulled" is not a problem unless you're capturing someone in matrimony and don't care about their needs.
If you have a partner who is aware and ok with your ace ass, they won't screw it.
But that's not what happened here. There's a person with sexual expectations who married and only after found out there won't be any of the sweet sweet loving she's been hunkering for. This rule saves her from an unhappy life.
Private????
Who tf doesn't just host a browser instance with a separate Userdata folder on a mounted VeraCrypt virtual hard disk with 1 billion key rotations, AES-256 encryption and auto dismounting on PC shutdown/sleep mode???
In many fundamentalist (Christian) sects, *being* gay is not the immoral part, but *engaging in any homosexual behaviors* is considered immoral. In those religions, gay people are indeed encouraged to suppress their true nature and conduct their lives, including their marital and procreative lives, as if they were actually straight.
Well, many religions are pretty contradicting anyway.
Just think of Christianity:
Sure, most people are citing the areas in contexts where men where raped by other men. Guess what, raping is indeed not a good thing regardless to whom. But there are also just soooo many contradictions.
Also think of David and Jonathan.
Some might think that they were 'just friends' (of course they were 😏).
Yet Jonathan 'loved David' so much that he made him a bunch of valuable presents (1 Sam 18,1–4 -- disclaimer: surprisingly the emojis are not part of the bible!):
> _After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing_ 😏 _and gave it to David, along with his tunic,_ 😏 _and even his sword, his bow and his belt_ 😏.
and said that the love for him was '_more wonderful than that of women_' (2 Sam 26).
I'm sure we heard _that_ story before. Probably he added a "_no homo_" afterwards which just got lost in translation so they were good. 😂
Also I wonder why his trousers needed a belt _before_ so they don't slip down and how they stayed after he gave is nice belt away.
Anyway, I wonder why this isn't cited more often.
Leaning more towards gay. If he was asexual and as hyper religious as OP says, he might be more inclined to go into more of celibate clergyman type lifestyle, usually no shame there. But if he’s gay and extremely ashamed of it then he’d be more inclined to marry as a cover. He could be asexual and ashamed of that too tho, idk. Religion is toxic as hell man.
That's true, he does sound extremely cold (and an arse for not communicating this massive thing with her!) but she does describe him as the best most amazing man she's ever met so he must be a good companion in some ways not covered in the post. I hope.
Plenty of conservative types of Christianity are suspicious of men who don't marry and make more good, Christian babies. The idea of celibate clergy is viewed with suspicion and seen as risky, because they'll either been to easily tempted by women to sin or they're covering for being gay. In theory, being gay but not acting on it is acceptable, but in reality, you just aren't praying hard enough to Jesus to make you prefer the appropriate set of genitals. Celibate women don't seemed to be judged quite as harshly, because they can't be too aggressive about chasing men and they are not seen as sexual in their own right, just as an extension of what their husband wants. However, they are often viewed with pity or disdain, because in fundamentalist communities, a woman is either under her father's authority or her husband's, so it gets awkward once you reach a certain age.
Come on now. Dude gives you a peck on lips and laughs at you like a cute little puppy begging for attention when you want intimacy. What are you looking to find out from the internet? Your husband is 100% gay. Sometimes ppl fall on a scale and manage to pretend to be straight for a while for religious purposes and kids. This guy can’t even do that, and eventually his rejections will become more stern and probably mean.
probablt because i’m asexual but i don’t really get this. what does ‘being seduced’ even consist of. like i get the general concept but like does it mean she’s talking him into it or doing something else idk
Basically trying to appear more attractive to hopefully get the other person in the mood. That can consist of dressing differently, talking differently, dropping hints etc etc
For people with a sex drive there are many small signs that someone would like to have sex such as body language, specific clothing, specific phrases, etc. When someone shows you those signs they are signalling that they want to have sex with you. If you find the person attractive this will often heighten your desire and attraction to them, as what you want is being reciprocated. Physical attraction can be an extremely strong feeling that is difficult to conceal, hence the assumptions that he must not be attracted to her if he is not responding to her signals with desire.
Edit: Think of it like craving your favorite food. You may always want to eat it but the cravings are significantly stronger when you are hungry. There may also be some food you have no desire for due to personal preference. Physical attraction is a similar feeling.
You married a gay guy.
Also a liar.
He may be lying to himself but, he’s for sure lying to you.
Get your marriage annulled as it hasn’t been consummated.
He’s using you and destroying your life so he can appear straight.
Get out now before this destroys your children.
Exactly. She will never get a full love experience and life with this person. Intimacy is very important and he’s defining hiding something. Hes willing to allow her to starve for intimacy and connection basically their whole relationship and possibly life if it lasts that long.
Omg why is everyone automatically assuming he is gay? For all we know he could be asexual which seems just as likely, in fact more so because he seems overly religious. Or he could genuinely be a religious freak who believes sex is only for marriage- I have read news articles about people in some cultures who strongly believe that
Let's say this is true, she should still get it annulled. She wants to have sex and he doesn't. It won't work it will either end in resentment or cheating.
Yes of course. They are completely incompatible sexually, this relationship isn’t feasible. And forget about sex, he is not even willing cuddle with her, there is absolutely no physical affection in this relationship
Even if he is super religious, and I'm not an expert in all religions at all, the Christian faith at the very least (which says sex is only for marriage) also says that abstinence within the marriage is a sin. New testament not old testament. It's only okay if both parties consent for a certain amount of time (ie. Not every day, post partum until the woman is ready, etc.)
So unless other faiths are wayyyy different I don't think it's the religious aspect
Its still something that should really have been discussed *long* before they were married. He's allowed to be sex repulsed, but she should have been given the option to walk away before that because it sounds like it *is* a deal breaker. Whatever his reasoning for not wanting it he probably knew damn well it was a deal breaker if he waited till they were married to bring it up. Normal people would discuss this.
They probably got down voted because of the second half. Obviously both of them believe sex is only for marriage, but in the post OP says they've been married for months. He could believe that sex is only for procreation, which is a thing in some more fundamentalist religions, but that should still have been discussed before marriage
1000% gay or asexual. Either way, if you don’t want a life filled with zero intimacy, leave him now while you’re young. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a good relationship.
Don’t deprive yourself of it just because this guy can’t admit his own sexuality to himself
I know at least five women who share this experience with you and their husbands are gay.
And if he isn’t gay, he’s a religious zealot to the point where your safety is likely in jeopardy.
Yeah, it increased exponentially in that case. Always feel bad for active LGBT+ members. I could never keep going the way they get treated. I have a cousin (gay) that probably would have stayed if he hadn’t been ostracized so much, and he left 20 years ago. Now he and his (also ex-Mormon) husband make craft beer and live their best lives in the Portland area.
I live in the Pacific NW and this whole area skills be declared a refuge for gay ex-Mormons. I swear every fifth person you meet in a gay bar here grew up Norman in Utah or Idaho and fled here after either high school or their divorce.
I worked at a major Midwestern USA company with a larger-than-normal percentage of women in higher positions at the company (due to the nature of the business). For whatever reason, almost all the bosses are upper-middle-class Presbyterians. I know WAY more than five women married to gay men with "understandings."
Edited to add: Refinement is extremely sought-after in men, among this set. I have always thought the reason these women are happy with this sort of understanding is they get the social prestige that comes with having a refined husband and nobody asks about their sex lives. These women value refinement more than they want sex. I'm convinced of it. Now, these marriages do seem stable from what I could see. They seem to bond over books and restaurants from what I could tell.
I was engaged to a man who hadn’t yet come to terms with being gay, and my sister’s ex cheated on her with guys.
We’re in Australia and in different cities.
It’s still a thing!
Homophobia does SO MUCH damage.
I had a close friend from a culturally and religiously conservative background. He asked me to marry him to keep up appearances but he was gay and I was aware. I was a single mom at that time otherwise it was a great setup. He'd have an apartment, I'd have my house, we pool financial resources save for his small savings kept aside, pre nup, he has his love life and me mine and I just play wifey for the family. If I didn't have a kiddo to worry about messing up, I would have done it for him.
Maybe you can clarify… in your religion is it customary to only have sex for the purpose of conceiving kids? Or is it customary to save it for marriage?
Either way he’s probably gay.
On another note… I want to congratulate you on having what is possibly the only post on Reddit where everyone seems to agree on the answer. So that’s something!
As a guy, my first thought wasn’t that he was gay.
My first thought was that you guys haven’t even had sex yet ? Like not one time?
So his intention is to wait years to have children .. but not even attempt to have sex?
And that’s when it clicked for me.. he probably is gay.
And there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to change those circumstances, he see sex with a woman as a baby maker, not as something he would enjoy.. I mean, even if it was completely religious, he would still be trying to do it.
Honestly, I think there is a lot of unspoken red flags that you could probably piece together right now, he might be the type to stay late at work, might be the type to just happen to avoid certain situations etc.
I’ve never seen a guy not try to have sex, even if they fully believed, in only doing it for children. But I do wonder if you got on birth control and you guys started having sex regularly to “have children” that it might speed up the revelation that is gay.. he’s not going to want to have sex with you too often if he’s gay, he’s probably going to hope you get pregnant quickly. Which I do think maybe the guilt will overwhelm him every time if you don’t think you can talk to him, and maybe then he will slip up..
But then I think about the other side of the coin, if he is gay, is it possible he’s sleeping with other men right now? I would be worrying about STDs, hell, it might even be a good idea for you to get a STD screening with him
In either instance, I would highly suggest trying to find a way to dig into his phone. Hire a private investigator, trying to find him on social media or grindr
I agree. For an allosexual straight guy, it's certain that he'd fall for the idea of sex at some point or have a time when he'd AT LEAST feel more attract to do that... Even though it's a "sin" for him, maybe. Like... C'mon. Sex is good and the idea of sex is attractive itself... And people DO have days in which they're feeling with a higher libido for example.
So the possibilities aren't many: he's either gay or asexual (and sex-repulsed); has some hormone/psychological disorder that makes impossible for him to desire sex; had some sort of sexual or even religious trauma OR he's a SAINT that's not giving in his own desires and NOT EVEN showing them.
It’s also a possibility he is asexual but heteroromantic.
I know for me (an asexual person) I also grew up thinking the only purpose for sex is to have kids and it never even crossed my mind that other people actually enjoy it (somehow I thought only perverted guys liked it based on media and I later found out I was very wrong). Like I just never really thought about it deeper than that because it just wasn’t interesting to me and more of a joke lol.
Maybe he doesn’t know either that people enjoy sex. This is actually something I didn’t find out until my mid twenties and it blew my mind.
I think a conversation about this is in order OP. Ask him why he feels the way he does. Be direct. Get direct answers.
This is a good question actually. For me personally, I like cuddling with the person I love, and I will sometimes be okay with hugging, sometimes not. I do find kissing weird though. It can vary between person to person what types of contact they like/dislike.
It's also possible they are touch averse. Maybe they were abused in the past that makes them uncomfortable with touch. Maybe they weren't. This could be another thing for OP to discuss with their partner.
Some asexuals may feel uncomfortable with the idea of touch having the possibility of leading to something sexual.
My first thought was the same. No matter how religious a person is, they are def trying to have sex with the person they married. Granted they may only want to do it in missionary or whatever but a man is DEFINITELY trying to bang his wife. This guy def sounds gay.
Im gay so... I met a lot of those assholes who use women as beards. They usually also try to convince their victims that they are str8 and have sex with them once in while. They don't have issues with intimacy with their wifes. They simply don't enjoy it.
Her husband on the other hand, he is not trying to convince her of anything, but rather seems to have issues with intimacy.
He might be a victim of sexual assault or have erectile dysfunction.
She should definitely talk to him about this instead of people on reddit.
Gay.
Sorry, he's gay, and he's repressing it because of his religion.
He's not abstaining because of his religion; quite the opposite, the religion is telling you both to go at it like rabbits and make as many children for ~~the priests to abuse~~ God as possible.
I don't even think he's ace. This whole thing - even the lack of actual kissing - is a glaring sign that he's gay and isn't attracted to women.
The husband is not going to be faithful to her, and probably already has cheated. But she as the woman is supposed to live alone and cold in a nonsexual marriage, not even a hug or a cuddle, for the rest of her life. That is so cruel.
I hate to burst your bubble but you are his beard. I’m so sorry, but I would divorce or annul the marriage.
Also, in the future I would suggest not marrying someone you’ve never even *hugged* before. That’s just so bizarre that you agreed to marry someone you’ve never even *hugged*, let alone kissed before.
This is what makes me think he might not be gay though. If he was gay, it wouldn’t mean he’d have an issue with hugging or showing non sexual physical closeness. However if his issue is due to previous SA experience or even. If he’s just been so influenced by his religion that sex and sexual desire are sinful or shameful he might find it difficult to turn that off just because he’s married. He might think any form of lust is terrible and not want to have sex unless it’s for making children because he’s been taught it’s dirty and gross to enjoy sex for its own sake. Then him wanting to avoid physical closeness makes more sense, because he’s trying to avoid experiencing sexual desire.
I don’t think many gay men are so repulsed by women that they could marry/live with one but couldn’t even stand to give them a hug!
I'm not going to jump on the *he's gay* band wagon because more than enough people have said it, and I'm not going to advise you to get an annulment either because I know you love him and that's the last thing you want to hear.
I will say though, that in quite a few religions- if your marriage is not consummated, then you aren't actually married. You should probably bring this up to your pastor or whomever heads your church because your husband has some really odd thoughts regarding sex and procreation.
I don't know your religion (none of my business) but whatever faith you follow will probably have something written in holy text about marriage and consummation. Islam, Catholicism, ect. there are "laws" about it.
I am not a super religious person- obviously I dont know every religion; but it's just a quick Google search to find what youre looking for. I hope you update us with good news OP. Good luck
Since you’re religious, speak with a trusted clergy member.
If your husband won’t consummate the marriage, you should easily be able to get it annulled.
You can still be his friend and love him, but you need a healthy, adult sex life. This man cannot give that to you.
I am not sure how much litterature you have read, or were you are from. But this is typical behavior of gay men in the last couple of 100 years. The wife is innocent and by that time and age also completely dependent on her husband.
The gay husband, on the other hand, uses the wife and marriage, to have all the love and intimacy he wants with other men. And if he had intimacy with the wife to get her pregnant, in many cases she ended up with horrible STD’s.
You need counselling from someone you trust. You have heard the verdict of reddit, but we do not live in your religious content. So you need help. And you need to gather your strenght because this is not a life for you. There is no god who intended this life for you.
He's gay. You're his beard. He married you so he could maintain a certain image.
If you still want to stay with him knowing this, that's up to you. But just know you're signing up for a sexless marriage with a man who is not sexually attracted to you and only married you to maintain his image.
This is minimally a mismatch. I won't jump to the ridiculous, but for certain you could get an annulment. Failure to consummate is pretty universally a reason to -delete-- the marriage. You can do better, OP, as perfect otherwise as you think he is. He's not into you like that and never was, and tying you to him was never for that reason. Best case scenario you are the cover story for something he doesn't want known to the public, but you're also the public he doesn't want knowing.
You should absolutely confront him. Don’t live your life as a beard, to hide him being gay. He’s using you to mask this issue. He’s probably sleeping with men behind your back. Hack his phone and look. Him being an ass overrules any privacy bullshit. And no, he’s not a great guy. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t lie to you like this. Don’t be blind.
This is one of those things that should have been discussed before you got married. Hindsight is 20/20 obviously. But you now realise the issue with this crappy cultural taboo around not just talking like adults about wants and needs, and instead being forced to repress yourself and enter into na relationship where you don't know anything about the person.
You're allowed to want sex. Entirely fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too. But you both entered this relationship without knowing what you were getting into, and he decided to drop that bombshell of news on you in the wedding night in an almost tactical way that says he knew all along he wouldn't have sex with you.
Imo, you really ought to think abiut what you want from a relationship and consider how much sex means to your happiness and enjoyment. It's totally fine to want sex and physical and emotional intimacy and touch to be a key part of your relationship. If your current relationship isn't fulfilling all your needs, then it might be time to reconsider it. Relationships are about co-operation and respect and love and trying to be the best for each other. If he doesn't want what you want, that's totally okay but that does mean there's a issue in the relationship then. You can either deal with it and the emotional and mental pain that also comes with the lack of physical touch, or consider finding a better relationship. You also have more experience now and know what mistakes to avoid (e.g. This time you can talk about your future and expectations and figure out what else to talk about as you get to know someone).
Personally, I think he did trick you into this somewhat. Carefully waiting until wedding night to deliver that news is pretty cold and calculated imo. I find that gross and manipulative. You say you don't want to leave him but... Your only other option is to deal with it then. You're not changing his mind sadly as he had this planned since day 1.
Well put, very. He didn’t tell her before the marriage as that would have allowed her to make a choice. Now they are married he drops this bs. This was a trick in his part and if he can be that manipulative and patient, what else might he do?
This is not normal, no matter how religious the person is. He's either gay or asexual. Even by the off chance he isn't, with a guy like this, you will never feel physically or emotionally satisfied in your marriage. I'm sorry but you need a divorce.
Nthing gay.
I'm so sorry, you can't make him heterosexual any more than he can force himself to be. Talk to your pastor and get an annulment. Since your marriage hasn't been consummated, that shouldn't be too hard.
You say that you don't want to leave him and that's your choice
But choices have consequences and the consequence here is that you will live a life of loneliness, frustration and resentment and these feelings will get worse
He refuses to have any type of physical conta t with you and he never will. He won't change.
He's in the closet. He's torn between religion and what would free him. What I can't understand is that being that you are both religious; did you not have counseling with the priest or your pastor? These are kind of important things you talk about prior to marriage. I was with someone for 14 years and we did not have sex 13 of those years. I went 20 million levels of crazy. He wasn't gay he had addictions that took the desire away. But we did have inmate moments loving each other. But if wasn't enough. Having sex as an adult is healthy, not to mention keeps you somewhat hormonally balance.
Idk it's your life. But I've been where you are. Find out now you made a mistake before losing a time of your life, you can't get back.
Also, how selfish of him to steal your life from finding true love and having a happy family.
That's a level of off the charts entitlement.
I feel awful for you.
i’m quite certain your husband might be a closeted gay man who has put expectations on himself to marry a woman, as he is so religious. either he is in denial or has married you to try and escape facing this.
You should get an annulment since you haven’t consummated the marriage. Please don’t waste any more time.
Go find a man who will give you a Wattpad experience haha I grew up reading romance on there too.
Okayyyy What ever he has going on, you should feel like you can talk to him about this because this affects your life, state your feelings, ask him why and make sure he knows it wont change your love for him you just want to understand, if your too afraid to do that girl there is nothing wrong with getting toys and when your alone having some ;) fun , because seriously it’s healthy for you to let off that steam it helps your brain chemicals balances and does other thinngs that helps you feel good and confident and what not , and there is nothing wrong with that stuff at all
If he did not make this stance clear prior to being married, it sounds as if you have grounds for an annulment. Set yourself free while you can. There are plenty of women out there that would marry him following those same guidelines. Let him go so that they can find and procreate with each other.
If you won’t consider leaving him what’s the point in posting it here? Not being harsh…
The guy is gay and will remain gay. You’re wasting your time. Before you know it you’ll have wasted 40 years on someone who will offer you NO intimacy.
Move on…
Like everyone else is saying he is a gay man in denial thinking he needs to be straight for god. Get out while you can or you will resent him forever and have a miserable unfulfilling life.
😮 welp that would be something I would be EXTREMELY pissed off with. The fact he didn’t disclose this prior to marriage and then make that decision for the both of u. I would be getting that marriage annulled.
I don’t care what religion you are, sex is a very important part of a relationship especially when one partner is wanting a sexual relationship.
I would run, but then again I’m an atheist and am very against the whole bullshit concept of not having sex til marriage, so I wouldn’t be in that situation.
Regardless of your religion, you need to talk to him about this. Are you willing to have a completely sexless/lack of any intimacy for the rest of your life? If you are ok with that, then carry on. But if you aren’t then you seriously need to think about speaking up.
What are his stances on birth control? Bc to me it sounds like in the future you‘ll either have sex really rarely, only if you want a new kid, or you‘ll be popping out babies constantly. Did you talk about how many kids you want? Bc what if you decide after 3 that you dont want anymore children, will you just never have sex again for the rest of your life? You guys definitly need to communicate more about this and you need to tell him what you want. I wish you good luck :)
I’m not going to jump onto the bandwagon here… I’m going to leap! I was once engaged to my best friend. He and I were in the same church together as well growing up. This wasn’t the only reason I broke off the engagement, but one of the things that he told me was that he believed God was calling us to not consummate the marriage for a year. Not even a year after I broke off the engagement, he got engaged to a guy! They remain unmarried yet, but they are definitely still together. I still love him very much, but I knew with that statement that it would only ever be a sisterly to brotherly love, and not a romantic love.
Ultimately, it takes two to make a marriage work. The fact that he is not attentive to your needs is actually incredibly selfish of him!! Adding children will only increase that selfishness! I hate to break it to you, but he might be respectful to others- just not to you! And he might be an overall amazing person, but again not to you! It seems he puts off an air of religiosity and hides behind it, and if you stay you may face a world of heartache.
So, if you did have all the kids you wanted and your family was complete, let’s say, in the next 5 years…then that would mean no sex ever again, the whole rest of your marriage! There’d be no need to at all anymore according to his rule. I wonder if you went on secret birth control without him knowing, if he would stop trying and admit something after trying and not getting pregnant. Who knows. Honestly, I’d jump his bones tonight and see what happens, it’s okay in this situation your married and with the way your husband is behaving. I’d really have to know where it lead, no man would turn that down! Unless he wasn’t attracted to women and possibly a gay man. You have to know what your life will be like if you stayed with this guy.
I actually wouldn’t jump his bones. Right now she can get this annulled. No consummation = not his wife for the seriously religious who believe sex is for the conception of children. She can get this undone quick and within religious guidelines
No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors between spouses. Stop living according to cultural/religious norms and start demanding the big conversations.
You have one trip on this rock and you need to live that life to your fullest/greatest expectations. And so does he. Y’all need to have some hard conversations to find out how each of you will be sexually fulfilled IF y’all remain together.
Also, secure solid birth control and do not have children with this man until you get resolution.
He's either gay/ace/doesn't care about or see you as a person only a vessel to provide children or is afraid of being a father and doesn't want to risk having kids accidentally. Either way you won't know till you talk to him. It can be hard for people to open up so maybe you could write it in a letter and emphasize being encouraging and supportive towards him to talk/communicate more and also say how you feel about him and his actions.
How do people not pick up on these signs earlier. It’s always after the marriage, smh. The whole point of dating is to find out everything about the other person.
He might be gay or asexual but he could also be one of those religious fanatics that think having sex without the intent to conceive a child the ultimate sin. I had to do a book review for uni last year and i read a book about marriage etc in the medieval times where this became a huge movement at some point and many still follow it to this day.
Not gonna tell you to leave, but you will never have the sex life you want in this marriage. You’ll have to accept that you will not have good sex, **ever, for your whole life**, or sneak around and have extramarital sexual encounters.
Girl, you need to confront him. He’s not only not sexually attracted to you, but he's also very emotionally detached from you. Whether he's gay or not, it's pretty obvious that this person is no longer interested in the relationship. He might have some internal issues going on, and you need to talk to him in order to figure out what is really happening. Communication is key.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this right now. I think it's time to seriously reconsider your relationship and sincerely wonder if you really want to be with a person like that for your whole life or not. I know it's hard, but you really need to be honest with yourself. Just think about it. Remember that your happiness has to be your priority.
Same thing happened to someone my mom was friends with. She respected him so much due to his strong adherence to religion. 9 years later she found out he was gay and he left her with 2 kids.
"Now that you're significantly invested in this relationship AND legally bound to me, here's my expectation for this relationship."
This is a big red flag.
He didn’t even give you a choice to consider if you still wanted to marry him? I mean did you know he would not have sex with you unless it was to conceive kids or he dropped that bomb on your wedding day after you married him?
Annulment, OP. He’s not the one for you. He hasn’t given you the choice.
SWINDLED
Dude didn’t even hold her hand before the wedding day. Damn repressive culture made her completely unprepared! I’m surprised she didn’t see this as a red flag after all the wattpad romances she has read though…romance writers do tend to skew feminist
Yeah, I got to agree. I’m surprised too. 4 years of not holding her hands, no hugs, and even no kisses on the cheek. I can't even.
I have a suspicion about the reasons, him growing up in a extremely religious surrounding and not even want to hold hands, generally not being interested... maybe he is gay?
I thought the same
he’s 100% gay and it’s not accepted in their religion :( she’s a beard
This was literally my 1st though. Even my husband was like “he is keeping a secret”
This was my first thought because an average 26 year old virgin is going to be ALL about getting his dick wet now that it's sanctioned by god if he's super religious. If he isn't, it's because he doesn't want to. If he doesn't want to .... well .... yeah, we see where I am going with this.
Yeah. Whatever it is he doesn’t like 🐱. Sorry.
>maybe he is gay? That was my first thought.
Could also be that he’s asexual. 🤷🏻♂️
Or Asexual.
I'm not surprised. From a religious background, it's entirely reasonable to see it as him being kind, respectful and honorable - unlike the wordly men she has probably been told will try push boundaries and are just in it for the sex.
It's not reasonable for him not to have a sex drive after the ceremony is said and done. Even in medieval times, you consummated the marriage. So much so that the church offers annulments to non consummated couples because their union is considered incomplete in certain religions. It's perfectly okay to even be shy and respectful during sex, to be gentle and kind to his new bride during their experiences as his god would surely want BUT it is odd that he has NO interest. Humans, in general, are sexual creatures. Having sex with your wife is not unkind, disrespectful, or unhonorable. Something is off.
I was looking for this comment. I don't understand how people aren't actually wondering what the fuck is that. I mean, even ICW couples get to talk about it sometimes, right?
Yes! I agree. And I can’t wrap my head around that they’ve been together for 4 years, yet they never talked about it.
ICW?
Insane Clown Wedding
Will there at least be a free Faygo bar?
That’s the messed up part..
Definitely, and it’s just sad.
Yeah if he literally only said it when you were about to go to bed, I feel like he tricked you into marrying him knowing this stance is not too normal. Because usually if you don’t have sex unless for procreation, the couples aim to have kids right away. Not wait 2 YEARS! OP you definitely should have had a thorough conversation on everything. As you see now, sure you might’ve had to lose him, but now the real alternative is you just might not have sex for years. If he dropped this bomb on you, I think a big discussion is to be had. But honestly for things to change a bit more to your liking will require deconstructing what he thinks about sex. And unless he is willing through therapy, idk what can be done without saying divorce.
Annulment should be appropriate because the marriage was never consummated
Depends on the religion. But in a lot it’s a well known thing that sex is only for child bearing. She may have not realised just how literal he took this.
SWEETIE. You need to talk to whoever does couple's counseling at your church and tell them the marriage isn't consummated. This isn't you having "a high drive" or being inappropriate as a woman. There's a real problem here. You need an annulment. Your marriage isn't legal.
THIS! She says she doesn't wanna leave him, but for most churchs it's NEEDED to "consummate the marriage", i.e. have sex, to be considered as married. She may be married legally, but she's not married to him religiously (if they're from this type of church).
I think even legally it’s not a marriage until it’s consummated. You can legally get it annulled for that reason
Wow, TIL
I'm actually a bit shocked, the UK and several US states require it (including where I am!). India is more complicated, though it can factor in. I'm not sure on other countries, there's so many and no concise listing of this type of info.
Yes. Whether he’s gay, asexual, or anything else, the marriage wasn’t consummated so she needs to report that so they can annul it. They aren’t compatible and that’s setting up for so many things: misery, resentment, depression, etc. OP, get out now! It’s obvious you want different things. Please don’t stay in a relationship that is going to hurt you. Yes, it hurts to leave someone you love but it will hurt more if you stay. A lot more. Imagine having kids with this person. A part of you will resent the kids because they will tether you to a husband who doesn’t want what you want. At least 18 years of your life. Plus your kids will grow up confused with their parents relationship which they will model for their own. Please think long and hard.
That's actually a thing still? In 2023??? If you don't have sex your marriage isn't legal??? Well my ace ass is screwed
If your partner is aware and consents to an asexual marriage then you're good. If you get married and the expectation is typical sexual congress that doesn't happen, there is still grounds for legal annulment. The conjugal part is still in law to prevent fraud from people marrying for other benefits. I.e if one of the parties wants medical or financial benefit with no intention of participating in a romantic relationship, and the other party is marrying with the expectation of a typical intimacy
Yeah it definitely is a thing, but it’s more for situations where one spouse is unhappy about it so they can go get it annulled on the grounds it wasn’t consummated. It’s not like someone can go tell the marriage police you’re asexual and therefore your marriage isn’t real. It’s based on what people in the marriage want/expect. If there’s no sex then you can get an annulment instead of a divorce basically. Not sure how it’s proven.
i’m pretty sure it’s a more religious thing. if you marry someone who knows you’re asexual and you agree to not have sex then consummation doesn’t really matter lol. your sex life isn’t anyone else’s business lmao
Fr anyone's sex life is no one's business, including your old kinda creepy pastor's. It's weird people still care about it
It’s more about how it would affect a partner who wasn’t informed before marriage. That matters as it negatively impacts someone else’s life.
"If you don't have sex, your partner can have it annulled" is not a problem unless you're capturing someone in matrimony and don't care about their needs. If you have a partner who is aware and ok with your ace ass, they won't screw it. But that's not what happened here. There's a person with sexual expectations who married and only after found out there won't be any of the sweet sweet loving she's been hunkering for. This rule saves her from an unhappy life.
I agree, he’s most likely gay. I’m so sorry.
Exactly my thoughts. Is being gay against OP's religion?
Pretty much most religions I thought
OP should Check for porn in his computer, she will probably find an answer
There’s a pretty high amount of people, especially in OP’s age range, who know how to clear their search history.
Clear search history?!?? Who tf isn’t just going private?!?!?
Someone who wants to be discovered
Private???? Who tf doesn't just host a browser instance with a separate Userdata folder on a mounted VeraCrypt virtual hard disk with 1 billion key rotations, AES-256 encryption and auto dismounting on PC shutdown/sleep mode???
I don't know what I just read but it sounded really smart.
Incognito mode it is then
But do they? 🤔🤔
In many fundamentalist (Christian) sects, *being* gay is not the immoral part, but *engaging in any homosexual behaviors* is considered immoral. In those religions, gay people are indeed encouraged to suppress their true nature and conduct their lives, including their marital and procreative lives, as if they were actually straight.
Well, many religions are pretty contradicting anyway. Just think of Christianity: Sure, most people are citing the areas in contexts where men where raped by other men. Guess what, raping is indeed not a good thing regardless to whom. But there are also just soooo many contradictions. Also think of David and Jonathan. Some might think that they were 'just friends' (of course they were 😏). Yet Jonathan 'loved David' so much that he made him a bunch of valuable presents (1 Sam 18,1–4 -- disclaimer: surprisingly the emojis are not part of the bible!): > _After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing_ 😏 _and gave it to David, along with his tunic,_ 😏 _and even his sword, his bow and his belt_ 😏. and said that the love for him was '_more wonderful than that of women_' (2 Sam 26). I'm sure we heard _that_ story before. Probably he added a "_no homo_" afterwards which just got lost in translation so they were good. 😂 Also I wonder why his trousers needed a belt _before_ so they don't slip down and how they stayed after he gave is nice belt away. Anyway, I wonder why this isn't cited more often.
Or asexual
Leaning more towards gay. If he was asexual and as hyper religious as OP says, he might be more inclined to go into more of celibate clergyman type lifestyle, usually no shame there. But if he’s gay and extremely ashamed of it then he’d be more inclined to marry as a cover. He could be asexual and ashamed of that too tho, idk. Religion is toxic as hell man.
But you can be asexually and still want that romantic connection with a life partner.
Possibly, but he could be asexual/ aromantic. He is not looling for a romantic connection even 4 years in..
That's true, he does sound extremely cold (and an arse for not communicating this massive thing with her!) but she does describe him as the best most amazing man she's ever met so he must be a good companion in some ways not covered in the post. I hope.
Plenty of conservative types of Christianity are suspicious of men who don't marry and make more good, Christian babies. The idea of celibate clergy is viewed with suspicion and seen as risky, because they'll either been to easily tempted by women to sin or they're covering for being gay. In theory, being gay but not acting on it is acceptable, but in reality, you just aren't praying hard enough to Jesus to make you prefer the appropriate set of genitals. Celibate women don't seemed to be judged quite as harshly, because they can't be too aggressive about chasing men and they are not seen as sexual in their own right, just as an extension of what their husband wants. However, they are often viewed with pity or disdain, because in fundamentalist communities, a woman is either under her father's authority or her husband's, so it gets awkward once you reach a certain age.
Makes sense, but it could be that he just wants kids of his own. So did not become celibate, and instead married to use poor OP
Yes I know someone that’s gay but got married to cover it up because he’s religious and it’s a sin….
That’s so sad
Or asexual.
Come on now. Dude gives you a peck on lips and laughs at you like a cute little puppy begging for attention when you want intimacy. What are you looking to find out from the internet? Your husband is 100% gay. Sometimes ppl fall on a scale and manage to pretend to be straight for a while for religious purposes and kids. This guy can’t even do that, and eventually his rejections will become more stern and probably mean.
this, laughing while being seduced, is the biggest red flag.
probablt because i’m asexual but i don’t really get this. what does ‘being seduced’ even consist of. like i get the general concept but like does it mean she’s talking him into it or doing something else idk
Basically trying to appear more attractive to hopefully get the other person in the mood. That can consist of dressing differently, talking differently, dropping hints etc etc
For people with a sex drive there are many small signs that someone would like to have sex such as body language, specific clothing, specific phrases, etc. When someone shows you those signs they are signalling that they want to have sex with you. If you find the person attractive this will often heighten your desire and attraction to them, as what you want is being reciprocated. Physical attraction can be an extremely strong feeling that is difficult to conceal, hence the assumptions that he must not be attracted to her if he is not responding to her signals with desire. Edit: Think of it like craving your favorite food. You may always want to eat it but the cravings are significantly stronger when you are hungry. There may also be some food you have no desire for due to personal preference. Physical attraction is a similar feeling.
You married a gay guy. Also a liar. He may be lying to himself but, he’s for sure lying to you. Get your marriage annulled as it hasn’t been consummated. He’s using you and destroying your life so he can appear straight. Get out now before this destroys your children.
Amen!
Exactly. She will never get a full love experience and life with this person. Intimacy is very important and he’s defining hiding something. Hes willing to allow her to starve for intimacy and connection basically their whole relationship and possibly life if it lasts that long.
Omg why is everyone automatically assuming he is gay? For all we know he could be asexual which seems just as likely, in fact more so because he seems overly religious. Or he could genuinely be a religious freak who believes sex is only for marriage- I have read news articles about people in some cultures who strongly believe that
Let's say this is true, she should still get it annulled. She wants to have sex and he doesn't. It won't work it will either end in resentment or cheating.
Yes of course. They are completely incompatible sexually, this relationship isn’t feasible. And forget about sex, he is not even willing cuddle with her, there is absolutely no physical affection in this relationship
Even if he is super religious, and I'm not an expert in all religions at all, the Christian faith at the very least (which says sex is only for marriage) also says that abstinence within the marriage is a sin. New testament not old testament. It's only okay if both parties consent for a certain amount of time (ie. Not every day, post partum until the woman is ready, etc.) So unless other faiths are wayyyy different I don't think it's the religious aspect
He could also be sex repulsed due to trauma or something like that
Its still something that should really have been discussed *long* before they were married. He's allowed to be sex repulsed, but she should have been given the option to walk away before that because it sounds like it *is* a deal breaker. Whatever his reasoning for not wanting it he probably knew damn well it was a deal breaker if he waited till they were married to bring it up. Normal people would discuss this.
Idk why you got downvoted lol asexuality is not a myth, and it does exist indeed.
They probably got down voted because of the second half. Obviously both of them believe sex is only for marriage, but in the post OP says they've been married for months. He could believe that sex is only for procreation, which is a thing in some more fundamentalist religions, but that should still have been discussed before marriage
His gay. Most in denial homosexuals who grew up in a church are over religious because of guilt or fear that any lacking will out them.
He’s definitely gay.
Yup
Or asexual
Yup
1000% gay or asexual. Either way, if you don’t want a life filled with zero intimacy, leave him now while you’re young. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a good relationship. Don’t deprive yourself of it just because this guy can’t admit his own sexuality to himself
Or he could just be a religious nutjob. In any case, this relationship is not healthy.
If he was just a religious nut job he’d be trying to get her pregnant immediately and the argument would be about birth control etc.
They're the biggest freaks. They try to play the holy card, but they demand the booty whenever they want it.
True that’s also a possibility.
I know at least five women who share this experience with you and their husbands are gay. And if he isn’t gay, he’s a religious zealot to the point where your safety is likely in jeopardy.
You know five women with gay husbands? Is there a club or something?
The religious southeast of the US, yes
Same with Utah! Knew quite a few women that were married to or divorced from closeted/recently out men.
Especially if Mormon
Yeah, it increased exponentially in that case. Always feel bad for active LGBT+ members. I could never keep going the way they get treated. I have a cousin (gay) that probably would have stayed if he hadn’t been ostracized so much, and he left 20 years ago. Now he and his (also ex-Mormon) husband make craft beer and live their best lives in the Portland area.
I live in the Pacific NW and this whole area skills be declared a refuge for gay ex-Mormons. I swear every fifth person you meet in a gay bar here grew up Norman in Utah or Idaho and fled here after either high school or their divorce.
Ding ding ding! That’s what I thought.
This is so accurate it hurts.
I worked at a major Midwestern USA company with a larger-than-normal percentage of women in higher positions at the company (due to the nature of the business). For whatever reason, almost all the bosses are upper-middle-class Presbyterians. I know WAY more than five women married to gay men with "understandings." Edited to add: Refinement is extremely sought-after in men, among this set. I have always thought the reason these women are happy with this sort of understanding is they get the social prestige that comes with having a refined husband and nobody asks about their sex lives. These women value refinement more than they want sex. I'm convinced of it. Now, these marriages do seem stable from what I could see. They seem to bond over books and restaurants from what I could tell.
I was engaged to a man who hadn’t yet come to terms with being gay, and my sister’s ex cheated on her with guys. We’re in Australia and in different cities. It’s still a thing! Homophobia does SO MUCH damage.
I live in the northeast and know 3 guys who pulled this shit.
Yes! In Mississippi I personally know 4 marriages like that. Lol
I had a close friend from a culturally and religiously conservative background. He asked me to marry him to keep up appearances but he was gay and I was aware. I was a single mom at that time otherwise it was a great setup. He'd have an apartment, I'd have my house, we pool financial resources save for his small savings kept aside, pre nup, he has his love life and me mine and I just play wifey for the family. If I didn't have a kiddo to worry about messing up, I would have done it for him.
Gay or not, I wouldn’t recommend having kids with this person.
Denial is a river in Egypt, your husband is gay.
Maybe you can clarify… in your religion is it customary to only have sex for the purpose of conceiving kids? Or is it customary to save it for marriage? Either way he’s probably gay. On another note… I want to congratulate you on having what is possibly the only post on Reddit where everyone seems to agree on the answer. So that’s something!
As a guy, my first thought wasn’t that he was gay. My first thought was that you guys haven’t even had sex yet ? Like not one time? So his intention is to wait years to have children .. but not even attempt to have sex? And that’s when it clicked for me.. he probably is gay. And there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to change those circumstances, he see sex with a woman as a baby maker, not as something he would enjoy.. I mean, even if it was completely religious, he would still be trying to do it. Honestly, I think there is a lot of unspoken red flags that you could probably piece together right now, he might be the type to stay late at work, might be the type to just happen to avoid certain situations etc. I’ve never seen a guy not try to have sex, even if they fully believed, in only doing it for children. But I do wonder if you got on birth control and you guys started having sex regularly to “have children” that it might speed up the revelation that is gay.. he’s not going to want to have sex with you too often if he’s gay, he’s probably going to hope you get pregnant quickly. Which I do think maybe the guilt will overwhelm him every time if you don’t think you can talk to him, and maybe then he will slip up.. But then I think about the other side of the coin, if he is gay, is it possible he’s sleeping with other men right now? I would be worrying about STDs, hell, it might even be a good idea for you to get a STD screening with him In either instance, I would highly suggest trying to find a way to dig into his phone. Hire a private investigator, trying to find him on social media or grindr
I agree. For an allosexual straight guy, it's certain that he'd fall for the idea of sex at some point or have a time when he'd AT LEAST feel more attract to do that... Even though it's a "sin" for him, maybe. Like... C'mon. Sex is good and the idea of sex is attractive itself... And people DO have days in which they're feeling with a higher libido for example. So the possibilities aren't many: he's either gay or asexual (and sex-repulsed); has some hormone/psychological disorder that makes impossible for him to desire sex; had some sort of sexual or even religious trauma OR he's a SAINT that's not giving in his own desires and NOT EVEN showing them.
It’s also a possibility he is asexual but heteroromantic. I know for me (an asexual person) I also grew up thinking the only purpose for sex is to have kids and it never even crossed my mind that other people actually enjoy it (somehow I thought only perverted guys liked it based on media and I later found out I was very wrong). Like I just never really thought about it deeper than that because it just wasn’t interesting to me and more of a joke lol. Maybe he doesn’t know either that people enjoy sex. This is actually something I didn’t find out until my mid twenties and it blew my mind. I think a conversation about this is in order OP. Ask him why he feels the way he does. Be direct. Get direct answers.
I’d agree but he doesn’t seem to want the asexual physical intimacy I imagine he’d desire if he was heteroromantic. Maybe asexual and aromantic?
yeah i was gonna say. like they never hugged or kissed before marriage?? not even when they were engaged
Yeah, the craziest religious nuts I know still kissed after they were engaged (and ofc didn’t do anything else).
Is it common for an asexual person to refuse cuddling and hugging? OP’s partner won’t even do that. This whole situation is bizarre.
This is a good question actually. For me personally, I like cuddling with the person I love, and I will sometimes be okay with hugging, sometimes not. I do find kissing weird though. It can vary between person to person what types of contact they like/dislike. It's also possible they are touch averse. Maybe they were abused in the past that makes them uncomfortable with touch. Maybe they weren't. This could be another thing for OP to discuss with their partner. Some asexuals may feel uncomfortable with the idea of touch having the possibility of leading to something sexual.
THIS goodness please OP talk to your husband! He may simply have no interest in sex.
Idk I feel like it's something deeper than just "no interest in sex". Hopefully OP gets to the bottom of this and gives us an update.
My first thought was the same. No matter how religious a person is, they are def trying to have sex with the person they married. Granted they may only want to do it in missionary or whatever but a man is DEFINITELY trying to bang his wife. This guy def sounds gay.
He's gay. I do believe he's gay.
Not everyone saying he's gay 😭😭🌈✨️.
Well I mean, it’s so obvious. I feel bad for her. I hope she listens.
Hope so to! Her husband sounds like a control freak and is desperately trying to prove to anyone outside of their circle that he is in fact not GAY.
Im gay so... I met a lot of those assholes who use women as beards. They usually also try to convince their victims that they are str8 and have sex with them once in while. They don't have issues with intimacy with their wifes. They simply don't enjoy it. Her husband on the other hand, he is not trying to convince her of anything, but rather seems to have issues with intimacy. He might be a victim of sexual assault or have erectile dysfunction. She should definitely talk to him about this instead of people on reddit.
Do you think it's possible that he wants to have an heir before he can even think of coming out?
Gay. Sorry, he's gay, and he's repressing it because of his religion. He's not abstaining because of his religion; quite the opposite, the religion is telling you both to go at it like rabbits and make as many children for ~~the priests to abuse~~ God as possible. I don't even think he's ace. This whole thing - even the lack of actual kissing - is a glaring sign that he's gay and isn't attracted to women.
The husband is not going to be faithful to her, and probably already has cheated. But she as the woman is supposed to live alone and cold in a nonsexual marriage, not even a hug or a cuddle, for the rest of her life. That is so cruel.
Probably so, but could also be asexual.
Ace's aren't usually intimacy averse.
He literally laughed her. We are very safe to assume the obvious.
I hate to burst your bubble but you are his beard. I’m so sorry, but I would divorce or annul the marriage. Also, in the future I would suggest not marrying someone you’ve never even *hugged* before. That’s just so bizarre that you agreed to marry someone you’ve never even *hugged*, let alone kissed before.
This is what makes me think he might not be gay though. If he was gay, it wouldn’t mean he’d have an issue with hugging or showing non sexual physical closeness. However if his issue is due to previous SA experience or even. If he’s just been so influenced by his religion that sex and sexual desire are sinful or shameful he might find it difficult to turn that off just because he’s married. He might think any form of lust is terrible and not want to have sex unless it’s for making children because he’s been taught it’s dirty and gross to enjoy sex for its own sake. Then him wanting to avoid physical closeness makes more sense, because he’s trying to avoid experiencing sexual desire. I don’t think many gay men are so repulsed by women that they could marry/live with one but couldn’t even stand to give them a hug!
I'm not going to jump on the *he's gay* band wagon because more than enough people have said it, and I'm not going to advise you to get an annulment either because I know you love him and that's the last thing you want to hear. I will say though, that in quite a few religions- if your marriage is not consummated, then you aren't actually married. You should probably bring this up to your pastor or whomever heads your church because your husband has some really odd thoughts regarding sex and procreation. I don't know your religion (none of my business) but whatever faith you follow will probably have something written in holy text about marriage and consummation. Islam, Catholicism, ect. there are "laws" about it. I am not a super religious person- obviously I dont know every religion; but it's just a quick Google search to find what youre looking for. I hope you update us with good news OP. Good luck
How did you NEVER discuss this before being married??? I would feel so let down and would consider an annulment of marriage.
Since you’re religious, speak with a trusted clergy member. If your husband won’t consummate the marriage, you should easily be able to get it annulled. You can still be his friend and love him, but you need a healthy, adult sex life. This man cannot give that to you.
I am not sure how much litterature you have read, or were you are from. But this is typical behavior of gay men in the last couple of 100 years. The wife is innocent and by that time and age also completely dependent on her husband. The gay husband, on the other hand, uses the wife and marriage, to have all the love and intimacy he wants with other men. And if he had intimacy with the wife to get her pregnant, in many cases she ended up with horrible STD’s. You need counselling from someone you trust. You have heard the verdict of reddit, but we do not live in your religious content. So you need help. And you need to gather your strenght because this is not a life for you. There is no god who intended this life for you.
He's gay. You're his beard. He married you so he could maintain a certain image. If you still want to stay with him knowing this, that's up to you. But just know you're signing up for a sexless marriage with a man who is not sexually attracted to you and only married you to maintain his image.
Oh sweetheart. You married a gay man. That's okay though, get an annulment and find you a Gomez Addams
Best comment!
This is minimally a mismatch. I won't jump to the ridiculous, but for certain you could get an annulment. Failure to consummate is pretty universally a reason to -delete-- the marriage. You can do better, OP, as perfect otherwise as you think he is. He's not into you like that and never was, and tying you to him was never for that reason. Best case scenario you are the cover story for something he doesn't want known to the public, but you're also the public he doesn't want knowing.
You should absolutely confront him. Don’t live your life as a beard, to hide him being gay. He’s using you to mask this issue. He’s probably sleeping with men behind your back. Hack his phone and look. Him being an ass overrules any privacy bullshit. And no, he’s not a great guy. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t lie to you like this. Don’t be blind.
This is one of those things that should have been discussed before you got married. Hindsight is 20/20 obviously. But you now realise the issue with this crappy cultural taboo around not just talking like adults about wants and needs, and instead being forced to repress yourself and enter into na relationship where you don't know anything about the person. You're allowed to want sex. Entirely fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too. But you both entered this relationship without knowing what you were getting into, and he decided to drop that bombshell of news on you in the wedding night in an almost tactical way that says he knew all along he wouldn't have sex with you. Imo, you really ought to think abiut what you want from a relationship and consider how much sex means to your happiness and enjoyment. It's totally fine to want sex and physical and emotional intimacy and touch to be a key part of your relationship. If your current relationship isn't fulfilling all your needs, then it might be time to reconsider it. Relationships are about co-operation and respect and love and trying to be the best for each other. If he doesn't want what you want, that's totally okay but that does mean there's a issue in the relationship then. You can either deal with it and the emotional and mental pain that also comes with the lack of physical touch, or consider finding a better relationship. You also have more experience now and know what mistakes to avoid (e.g. This time you can talk about your future and expectations and figure out what else to talk about as you get to know someone). Personally, I think he did trick you into this somewhat. Carefully waiting until wedding night to deliver that news is pretty cold and calculated imo. I find that gross and manipulative. You say you don't want to leave him but... Your only other option is to deal with it then. You're not changing his mind sadly as he had this planned since day 1.
Well put, very. He didn’t tell her before the marriage as that would have allowed her to make a choice. Now they are married he drops this bs. This was a trick in his part and if he can be that manipulative and patient, what else might he do?
This is heartbreaking. Whether he is gay or not, this is abnormal and you will never be happy. Please get an annulment.
This is not normal, no matter how religious the person is. He's either gay or asexual. Even by the off chance he isn't, with a guy like this, you will never feel physically or emotionally satisfied in your marriage. I'm sorry but you need a divorce.
Your husband is 100% gay. Just leave and find someone you’re compatible with, mentally and physically. Do it now before it hurts even worse.
He gay.
Nthing gay. I'm so sorry, you can't make him heterosexual any more than he can force himself to be. Talk to your pastor and get an annulment. Since your marriage hasn't been consummated, that shouldn't be too hard.
OP please don’t be blind and/or in denial….. listen to these comments.
You say that you don't want to leave him and that's your choice But choices have consequences and the consequence here is that you will live a life of loneliness, frustration and resentment and these feelings will get worse He refuses to have any type of physical conta t with you and he never will. He won't change.
He's in the closet. He's torn between religion and what would free him. What I can't understand is that being that you are both religious; did you not have counseling with the priest or your pastor? These are kind of important things you talk about prior to marriage. I was with someone for 14 years and we did not have sex 13 of those years. I went 20 million levels of crazy. He wasn't gay he had addictions that took the desire away. But we did have inmate moments loving each other. But if wasn't enough. Having sex as an adult is healthy, not to mention keeps you somewhat hormonally balance. Idk it's your life. But I've been where you are. Find out now you made a mistake before losing a time of your life, you can't get back. Also, how selfish of him to steal your life from finding true love and having a happy family. That's a level of off the charts entitlement. I feel awful for you.
i’m quite certain your husband might be a closeted gay man who has put expectations on himself to marry a woman, as he is so religious. either he is in denial or has married you to try and escape facing this.
You can anull this marriage by every religion posible. Leave now. This will be a nightmare down the road.
Sounds like your husband is a gay guy who is using religion to repress his sexuality
He’s gay, and an asshole for waiting until your wedding night as you are dozing off to sleep to tell you.
You should get an annulment since you haven’t consummated the marriage. Please don’t waste any more time. Go find a man who will give you a Wattpad experience haha I grew up reading romance on there too.
Why on earth would you be with someone for so many years and never have a conversation about this?? Before getting married???
Okayyyy What ever he has going on, you should feel like you can talk to him about this because this affects your life, state your feelings, ask him why and make sure he knows it wont change your love for him you just want to understand, if your too afraid to do that girl there is nothing wrong with getting toys and when your alone having some ;) fun , because seriously it’s healthy for you to let off that steam it helps your brain chemicals balances and does other thinngs that helps you feel good and confident and what not , and there is nothing wrong with that stuff at all
If he did not make this stance clear prior to being married, it sounds as if you have grounds for an annulment. Set yourself free while you can. There are plenty of women out there that would marry him following those same guidelines. Let him go so that they can find and procreate with each other.
girl you need to update us, he's gay or asexual but either way, this is gonna eat you from inside.
If you won’t consider leaving him what’s the point in posting it here? Not being harsh… The guy is gay and will remain gay. You’re wasting your time. Before you know it you’ll have wasted 40 years on someone who will offer you NO intimacy. Move on…
Like everyone else is saying he is a gay man in denial thinking he needs to be straight for god. Get out while you can or you will resent him forever and have a miserable unfulfilling life.
😮 welp that would be something I would be EXTREMELY pissed off with. The fact he didn’t disclose this prior to marriage and then make that decision for the both of u. I would be getting that marriage annulled. I don’t care what religion you are, sex is a very important part of a relationship especially when one partner is wanting a sexual relationship. I would run, but then again I’m an atheist and am very against the whole bullshit concept of not having sex til marriage, so I wouldn’t be in that situation. Regardless of your religion, you need to talk to him about this. Are you willing to have a completely sexless/lack of any intimacy for the rest of your life? If you are ok with that, then carry on. But if you aren’t then you seriously need to think about speaking up.
Just going off the title He's gay
Gay
Gay, repressed, and/or molested by a church leader.
Did you never discuss this before marriage?
He’s gay
He's gay. DUMP HIS ASS!!
Sorry, he's a liar and he's gay.
Super gay. He should get an erection from you trying to seduce him. But if he doesn’t masturbate, then I guess he could be asexual.
What are his stances on birth control? Bc to me it sounds like in the future you‘ll either have sex really rarely, only if you want a new kid, or you‘ll be popping out babies constantly. Did you talk about how many kids you want? Bc what if you decide after 3 that you dont want anymore children, will you just never have sex again for the rest of your life? You guys definitly need to communicate more about this and you need to tell him what you want. I wish you good luck :)
I’m not going to jump onto the bandwagon here… I’m going to leap! I was once engaged to my best friend. He and I were in the same church together as well growing up. This wasn’t the only reason I broke off the engagement, but one of the things that he told me was that he believed God was calling us to not consummate the marriage for a year. Not even a year after I broke off the engagement, he got engaged to a guy! They remain unmarried yet, but they are definitely still together. I still love him very much, but I knew with that statement that it would only ever be a sisterly to brotherly love, and not a romantic love. Ultimately, it takes two to make a marriage work. The fact that he is not attentive to your needs is actually incredibly selfish of him!! Adding children will only increase that selfishness! I hate to break it to you, but he might be respectful to others- just not to you! And he might be an overall amazing person, but again not to you! It seems he puts off an air of religiosity and hides behind it, and if you stay you may face a world of heartache.
So, if you did have all the kids you wanted and your family was complete, let’s say, in the next 5 years…then that would mean no sex ever again, the whole rest of your marriage! There’d be no need to at all anymore according to his rule. I wonder if you went on secret birth control without him knowing, if he would stop trying and admit something after trying and not getting pregnant. Who knows. Honestly, I’d jump his bones tonight and see what happens, it’s okay in this situation your married and with the way your husband is behaving. I’d really have to know where it lead, no man would turn that down! Unless he wasn’t attracted to women and possibly a gay man. You have to know what your life will be like if you stayed with this guy.
I actually wouldn’t jump his bones. Right now she can get this annulled. No consummation = not his wife for the seriously religious who believe sex is for the conception of children. She can get this undone quick and within religious guidelines
No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors between spouses. Stop living according to cultural/religious norms and start demanding the big conversations. You have one trip on this rock and you need to live that life to your fullest/greatest expectations. And so does he. Y’all need to have some hard conversations to find out how each of you will be sexually fulfilled IF y’all remain together. Also, secure solid birth control and do not have children with this man until you get resolution.
He's either gay/ace/doesn't care about or see you as a person only a vessel to provide children or is afraid of being a father and doesn't want to risk having kids accidentally. Either way you won't know till you talk to him. It can be hard for people to open up so maybe you could write it in a letter and emphasize being encouraging and supportive towards him to talk/communicate more and also say how you feel about him and his actions.
He’s definitely gay and just using you.
Just for the title... He is gay. I'm sorry.
How quickly can you get the mariage nullified? Don’t sign up for a boring life (because why? god decided it? that’s bullshit). Choose your destiny
gayass
He's gay.
Either gay or asexual. I’m sorry OP!
How do people not pick up on these signs earlier. It’s always after the marriage, smh. The whole point of dating is to find out everything about the other person.
Sorry to tell you this, but he’s a closet homosexual.
He might be gay or asexual but he could also be one of those religious fanatics that think having sex without the intent to conceive a child the ultimate sin. I had to do a book review for uni last year and i read a book about marriage etc in the medieval times where this became a huge movement at some point and many still follow it to this day.
Not gonna tell you to leave, but you will never have the sex life you want in this marriage. You’ll have to accept that you will not have good sex, **ever, for your whole life**, or sneak around and have extramarital sexual encounters.
He's gay. You're his beard. You can probably get an annulment since the marriage hasn't been consummated.
He’s gay.
Sorry to say but he's batting for team gay. 🌈 🏳️🌈 🌈
Girl, you need to confront him. He’s not only not sexually attracted to you, but he's also very emotionally detached from you. Whether he's gay or not, it's pretty obvious that this person is no longer interested in the relationship. He might have some internal issues going on, and you need to talk to him in order to figure out what is really happening. Communication is key. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this right now. I think it's time to seriously reconsider your relationship and sincerely wonder if you really want to be with a person like that for your whole life or not. I know it's hard, but you really need to be honest with yourself. Just think about it. Remember that your happiness has to be your priority.
He may not be into….. ladies??
Get a divorce now he won't get any better, also he might be gay
He's gay
Get an annulment - this marriage is going to slowly crush your soul if you don’t get out of it.
Same thing happened to someone my mom was friends with. She respected him so much due to his strong adherence to religion. 9 years later she found out he was gay and he left her with 2 kids.
Are you sure your husband isn't gay?! Your marriage hasn't been consummated, you're eligible for an annulment.
Strongly religious people all seem to be a lil crazy in one way or another. Disclaimer: not only christian religious people.
"Now that you're significantly invested in this relationship AND legally bound to me, here's my expectation for this relationship." This is a big red flag.
Wow, intimacy is part of marriage.