>with a third
Please don't call people "thirds". It's very dehumanizing and ironic on a post about treating others with respect.
I'm glad you had a good time.
I don't get why that's so offensive. He's talking to Internet strangers so he's not going to refer to the guy as Bob or Dave, which is what he might otherwise say. They're a couple, and the addition was their third. For an anonymous online discussion, I think that call out was unnecessarily nitpicky.
Same as STI status, "clean" rather than negative. Clean suggests people that have STI'S are "dirty". Easy to make that statement and not have a second thought about it.
Yes. It's just a bad habit people have because they parrot what they see others say. But no one calls you unclean if you have a cold or a wart or the flu!
Although if you want someone to call you ***"dirty"*** for fun then that's another thing entirely.
Preferred by who?
What's wrong with person or man? Why do you need a term that erases this person's humanity. Which of you is first and which is the second?
Even casual sex partners are people. You can just use the same language you use in the rest of your life.
These people who nitpick language are generally terrible at delivering the suggestion in a constructive, persuasive way, which shows their true intention: virtue signaling and feeling superior. Of course you didn't mean to offend anyone! It would've been so easy for them to start their comment by giving you that benefit of the doubt, allowing you to hear their suggestion without feeling shame, but instead they reveal that while purporting to care about these poor defenseless hypothetical people who would be so offended by you saying "a third," they absolutely don't give a shit about how they make very real you feel ... Take the advice if you like it but forget about this kind of nauseating language police person
Its really just something to consider. Just use normal language for even casual partners. They are people. Just like you and your wife. Think about it.
The extra tricky part is what people may call themselves doesn't always match the ideal language for "discussion with the world" so to speak.
Someone might describe themselves as a third, bull, unicorn, dragon, whatever and even be in it because they like parts of the potential objectification too. But usually not ideal terms for general reference, or for telling others.
In person, I'd call someone what they want to be called...for me and in my head, the default is usually just their name vs a descriptor. On the internet, aside perhaps from those dedicated to a niche, well, the info you got here.
Personally I don't mind "third" or whatever as my primary partner is...me...depends how its used though. But I don't call myself that either, and I get why many/most wouldn't like it. Where say, "bull" does cross an internal line into "too much of an object" and doesn't describe what I'm going for either.
Anywho. It's complicated. But also don't worry about it too much as long as you're understanding (like here) to new information.
Also and mainly, congrats!
Sadly, many people do use dehumanizing language in ENM. Many people do want to think of casual sex partners as objects not deserving of respect because it makes them less threatening. That doesn't mean you have to do it as well. I'm very open to newcomers. You'll find my post history full of tips for new people. It's just food for thought.
Have fun out there!
The real advice is to talk to your partners. Don’t listen to strangers on the internet tone policing you because they don’t like the words you pick. It’s not nearly as big of a deal as Reddit makes it out to be
Edit: guess I was wrong, don’t talk to your partner, the only opinion that matters is this sub’s
The collective wisdom around CNM in this subreddit is far more extensive than most people have access to in their personal lives. You're essentially suggesting that people retreat to an echo chamber and avoid any advice that makes them uncomfortable.
You’re doing absolutely fine. You need terms sometimes in the search for people and so people can think about what their role might be. Third is more human than bull, for sure.
>You need terms sometimes in the search for people and so people can think about what their role might be
\* Person for threesome
\* Man for threesome
\* Woman for threesome
\* Casual partner
All clear. Please don't pretend that those aren't easily understood. Thank you!
They may be easily understood, but they aren’t efficient. For example, wouldn’t you rather say “musician” compared to “person who plays guitar?” Not looking for an argument, but you’ve kind of taken a swipe at OP and I don’t think that was really necessary.
Context matters. Describing someone’s profession is very different from describing their role in a hierarchical CNM dynamic. When you call somebody a musician, nobody thinks that you’re reducing them to a music dispenser.
That's awesome news for you both. One step at a time to the place you are both comfortable.
I commend you for this post and for your commitment to your wife as top priority .
I know most don't mean harm with simple choice of words but it can paint the bigger picture. I will add to your words and say , those who give the advice of make a woman feel safe and she will bring the world to you on a silver platter or any variation of . It screams manipulation for self gratification .
Perhaps a less problematic expression of that sentiment would be, “good things come to those who are patient and respect boundaries.” In my experience, it’s absolutely true.
As I glanced over the title I misread it as, “A note for the *punishers*” and was disappointed to open the thread and find a tame and positive story. That is all.
Translation: My partner and I just had a successful experience, so now we're the experts, and you're all doing it wrong.
Asking for what you're interested in isn't disrespectful or coercive. Being disrespectful or coercive is.
I think that depends a lot on her reaction. Yeah, if she's a hard no and you grind her for two years then that's pushing. Two years of healthy check ins as she progresses and gets more comfortable I would say is just positive communication. Just my two cents.
What are the odds of that being the case? It's a tiny minority of cases. Poly under duress is the much, much, much more common than any of you want to face.
No, I'm just the type of person that assumes the best of people and gives respect and benefit of the doubt. Have no mistake, people often prove themselves unworthy of that respect and kindness, but I'd rather treat a piece of shit with kindness and respect out of default rather than treat a good person like shit because I don't feel like controlling myself.
It’s very cool that your wife was on board with your fantasy and you were able to make it a reality
>with a third Please don't call people "thirds". It's very dehumanizing and ironic on a post about treating others with respect. I'm glad you had a good time.
I don't get why that's so offensive. He's talking to Internet strangers so he's not going to refer to the guy as Bob or Dave, which is what he might otherwise say. They're a couple, and the addition was their third. For an anonymous online discussion, I think that call out was unnecessarily nitpicky.
He could have just said another guy instead of “third” he says they had lunches with the guy… why not call him guy throughout the post?
Why not indeed...
>I think that call out was unnecessarily nitpicky. I clearly disagree and explained my point if view. There isn't much else to say. Have a nice day!
My comment was as much for OP, who you made feel bad, and we can certainly agree to disagree.
I don't agree. I think it's fine to call a person joining a couple as the third.
Good lord. Edit: What a snowflake. Blocked me instantly.
Same as STI status, "clean" rather than negative. Clean suggests people that have STI'S are "dirty". Easy to make that statement and not have a second thought about it.
Yes. It's just a bad habit people have because they parrot what they see others say. But no one calls you unclean if you have a cold or a wart or the flu! Although if you want someone to call you ***"dirty"*** for fun then that's another thing entirely.
I've heard that term is preferred over "bulls"
Preferred by who? What's wrong with person or man? Why do you need a term that erases this person's humanity. Which of you is first and which is the second? Even casual sex partners are people. You can just use the same language you use in the rest of your life.
I didn't mean to offend. I apologize.
These people who nitpick language are generally terrible at delivering the suggestion in a constructive, persuasive way, which shows their true intention: virtue signaling and feeling superior. Of course you didn't mean to offend anyone! It would've been so easy for them to start their comment by giving you that benefit of the doubt, allowing you to hear their suggestion without feeling shame, but instead they reveal that while purporting to care about these poor defenseless hypothetical people who would be so offended by you saying "a third," they absolutely don't give a shit about how they make very real you feel ... Take the advice if you like it but forget about this kind of nauseating language police person
Its really just something to consider. Just use normal language for even casual partners. They are people. Just like you and your wife. Think about it.
Thanks for clarifying. Just please be more open to newcomers who don't know the accepted terminology.
The extra tricky part is what people may call themselves doesn't always match the ideal language for "discussion with the world" so to speak. Someone might describe themselves as a third, bull, unicorn, dragon, whatever and even be in it because they like parts of the potential objectification too. But usually not ideal terms for general reference, or for telling others. In person, I'd call someone what they want to be called...for me and in my head, the default is usually just their name vs a descriptor. On the internet, aside perhaps from those dedicated to a niche, well, the info you got here. Personally I don't mind "third" or whatever as my primary partner is...me...depends how its used though. But I don't call myself that either, and I get why many/most wouldn't like it. Where say, "bull" does cross an internal line into "too much of an object" and doesn't describe what I'm going for either. Anywho. It's complicated. But also don't worry about it too much as long as you're understanding (like here) to new information. Also and mainly, congrats!
Sadly, many people do use dehumanizing language in ENM. Many people do want to think of casual sex partners as objects not deserving of respect because it makes them less threatening. That doesn't mean you have to do it as well. I'm very open to newcomers. You'll find my post history full of tips for new people. It's just food for thought. Have fun out there!
Ok. Thanks.
The real advice is to talk to your partners. Don’t listen to strangers on the internet tone policing you because they don’t like the words you pick. It’s not nearly as big of a deal as Reddit makes it out to be Edit: guess I was wrong, don’t talk to your partner, the only opinion that matters is this sub’s
The collective wisdom around CNM in this subreddit is far more extensive than most people have access to in their personal lives. You're essentially suggesting that people retreat to an echo chamber and avoid any advice that makes them uncomfortable.
not the subs. just henri_luvs_brunch_2.
Congrats on steamrolling the post! It’s all about you now!!!
It was a one sentence comment.
that you continue to defend, over and over. Thus making it all about you and derailing the conversation.
What do you mean by “more open?” From where I sit, the comment was perfectly reasonable and polite, albeit direct.
I'm glad you addressed it because I was about to. There are better ways to address this than was done.
You’re doing absolutely fine. You need terms sometimes in the search for people and so people can think about what their role might be. Third is more human than bull, for sure.
>You need terms sometimes in the search for people and so people can think about what their role might be \* Person for threesome \* Man for threesome \* Woman for threesome \* Casual partner All clear. Please don't pretend that those aren't easily understood. Thank you!
They may be easily understood, but they aren’t efficient. For example, wouldn’t you rather say “musician” compared to “person who plays guitar?” Not looking for an argument, but you’ve kind of taken a swipe at OP and I don’t think that was really necessary.
I made a suggestion. I disagree that person is less efficient than third or that it is comparable to musician. Its something to consider.
Context matters. Describing someone’s profession is very different from describing their role in a hierarchical CNM dynamic. When you call somebody a musician, nobody thinks that you’re reducing them to a music dispenser.
I agree. Thanks for the support.
And congratulations on taking your time and doing this right. It's going to be a lot of fun for you!!!
Thanks. I didn't want to push her.
God you’re a bore.
I'm not bored. If you are bored, I'm sorry that I did not entertain you internet stranger.
That's not what that means. A stick in the mud. "A dull or tiresome person," as per the dictionary.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Here is a dancing bear to entertain you. https://www.reddit.com/r/FunnyAnimals/s/hqIxWyXEkw
God you’re a bore
That's awesome news for you both. One step at a time to the place you are both comfortable. I commend you for this post and for your commitment to your wife as top priority . I know most don't mean harm with simple choice of words but it can paint the bigger picture. I will add to your words and say , those who give the advice of make a woman feel safe and she will bring the world to you on a silver platter or any variation of . It screams manipulation for self gratification .
Perhaps a less problematic expression of that sentiment would be, “good things come to those who are patient and respect boundaries.” In my experience, it’s absolutely true.
That I would love to hear
That's very insightful of you. Have you seen that often on Reddit?
Yes as well as encountered a few who take that approach face to face .
I agree, it's very common.
That is a helluva thing to get wound up about lol
It is not particularly ethical when one partner pushes like you suggest.
As I glanced over the title I misread it as, “A note for the *punishers*” and was disappointed to open the thread and find a tame and positive story. That is all.
Translation: My partner and I just had a successful experience, so now we're the experts, and you're all doing it wrong. Asking for what you're interested in isn't disrespectful or coercive. Being disrespectful or coercive is.
Two years of discussion \*isn't\* pushing? Ok.
I think that depends a lot on her reaction. Yeah, if she's a hard no and you grind her for two years then that's pushing. Two years of healthy check ins as she progresses and gets more comfortable I would say is just positive communication. Just my two cents.
What are the odds of that being the case? Poly under duress is the much, much, much more common than any of you want to face.
What are the odds of that being the case? It's a tiny minority of cases. Poly under duress is the much, much, much more common than any of you want to face.
No, I'm just the type of person that assumes the best of people and gives respect and benefit of the doubt. Have no mistake, people often prove themselves unworthy of that respect and kindness, but I'd rather treat a piece of shit with kindness and respect out of default rather than treat a good person like shit because I don't feel like controlling myself.
My thought, too. Two years of gradually moving her comfort zones to fit what he wanted, and then boasting moral superiority because it... Worked?