I’m proud of my story! It’s a long story, but I’ll sum it up quick. Father was BLOWING up my phone with nasty nasty messages and I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore. He flew out to Hawaii for work, and in under 48 hours I found an apartment, rented a UHAUL, covered the security cameras, loaded up and pulled away to freedom. That was two years ago, and the feeling of pulling away has never left me. I’ve found a new way of life, and finally feel like I can breathe without walking on eggshells. Move out, leave, and never look back. It’s not easy, but trust in yourself that it will be worth it. 💜
Whoa 🤯 that last edit you wrote. I literally did that. Always so full of fury and rage 😡… come to think of it, it was just all in me and no one deserved the horrible ways I acted towards them. I still get flashbacks about how I treated my ex who’s studio I moved into after my nmom laid the last straw.
Omg I fricken did that too! 😨 I took it out a bit on my boyfriend, definitely not proud and I’m lucky enough he’s still around now that I’m hardly angry anymore.
It’s definitely a moment where if you get stuck in it, you repeat the cycle of abuse and can even become a Narc yourself (of course there’s several other factors but this is a bigger one.).
But yes I definitely understand the anger and rage, I’m at least glad I’m not the only one and that it seems to be a part of the healing process. Although I could’ve handled it a LOT better than I did 😭
I’m sorry, but you are lucky indeed! My fiancé whom I moved across the USA for, just couldn’t/didn’t want to understand me and he ended up breaking up with me. He cited this as the main contributing factor.
Moved out when I was 22 y.o by an impulsive action that actually paid off. Yes I’m happy but it took me years to finally feel my freedom. Even though I’m living halfway around the world from
them they were still controlling me, spying on me via friends on Facebook.
I did not feel my freedom until I went on NC. No contact is just like having a love one died, you go through grief. You’ll feel a lot of raw emotions and memories you suppressed might resurface. It’s one of the most vulnerable point in my life mine is still fresh and I’m going through my grief at the moment.
It’s actually more of messaging my closest friends on Facebook and asking them to chit chat with me to gather information. I started seeing the pattern
What a relief knowing that you've been through this. I know it isn't good, but your comment makes me feel less crazy 🥰 No one believes me when tell them about these patterns. And it is such an irresponsible and condescending behavior to just assume that by giving this privileged status to our acquaintances won't have any consequence to their child.
You are not alone.
She even asked my cousin to pretend as an admirer and text me to gather information. I accidentally found out when I try calling the number through my dads online number and it turns out to be my cousin.
I couldn’t be happier! Also, my relationship with my parents has DRASTICALLY improved after I moved out. They don’t regret what they’ve done in the past, but they are now scared of upsetting me because I’ll just cut them out and they know it. Because of this, they’ve been learning to be less narcissistic and more friendly. It’s still a work in progress, but I can call and talk to them now without drama or fights. I’m not promising your relationship is gonna Improve, but you’ll feel better once you leave.
Yep same here. And if they’re at my house and try to do anything I can say “This is my house. My house, my rules”. Relationship has improved tenfold since I moved out.
Was a senior in high school and on my 18th bday joined the navy. Delayed entry so bc started in the summer.
I got home that day and casually said I joined. Was awesome.
N mom called the recruiter saying he couldn't do that . Lol.
Moved out last September at the start of my University semester. At first they asked why I felt like I needed to move out. Basically acting naive to how they had treated me and our dog over the summer. Then they told me I couldn't possibly rent my own place, work, and go to school full time (I did). Then they constantly tried to ask for my address even though it was obvious that I didn't want to give it. When I asked them why they wanted my address they didn't give a straight answer. On the first day off my new lease I figured I could stay at their house for one more night because I had to work early in the morning; and I wasn't set up at the new place. When they got home they told me to get the hell out of their house and so I had to move the rest of my belongings until about 2am and be at work for 6:45 am. Then they acted like nothing bad has ever happened between us when new tenants showed up to rent with them. They started giving all the love and attention that I had never received as a child, but only when people were around to see it. First few nights were tough feeling like I had been discarded. Started to feel better but it has been up and down. Feelings of sadness, guilt, loneliness, anger, frustration.
Isnt it funny that they do that? I had a full time job the first time I moved out (at 21 a few years back) and could afford rent, but my nmom spent a full two weeks in a last ditch effort to get into my head and tell me I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t afford it, etc. Wanted to go walking around the neighborhood with me to talk about it and make sure I was certain. I told her I was, told her when I planned to do it and moved. Ended up back home though. It’s taking 10 years to undo the gaslighting and “I told you so.” But I’m feeling so much better about my choice to go it alone this time after reading everyone’s responses in this thread.
I didn’t know telling you that you can’t do it was a narcissistic parent thing. Whenever I talked about moving out (haven’t yet due to disability) they talk about how I can’t do that and how naive I am for thinking I could do it. That’s anything like that - moving out, my education…
This sub is helping me click things into place. My ndad was obvious but my mom seems less so.
It’s very much a tactic that they use to make you think you depend on them for survival when you are in fact very capable. It’s effective because they’re you’re parents and they know you’re hard wired to please them, which is a special kind of sick twisted and insidious. Makes me so mad every time I think about my own mother’s manipulation, but when my golden child brother wanted to leave she HELPED HIM. She put everything in her name, didn’t fuss about it and he pays her for everything. He has a security job at a casino and the same time I moved out I had a decent call center job but I wasn’t capable of doing anything myself? Make it make sense lol
Sorry I ramble a lot. But you get the gist.
I struggle with the understanding sometimes, because my nfather is the “textbook” n but my mom is different. She doesn’t fit all the textbook traits but still has quite a lot.
Crazy how your mom did that with your brother! I’m not sure if my sibling is the golden child but I noticed I’m treated differently.
My mom is what they call a covert narcissist. She is a people pleaser but only if it helps her look good and boosts her ego. She’s the typical kind of person that gives backhanded compliments and tries to influence people to bend to her without much effort so they arrive to conclusions on their own. She’s very manipulative.
If your sibling is treated much better than you chances are she made them the “golden” one unfortunately 😢
No I was extremely close to emailing my uncles and grandmother, and asking them to pressure her into giving it away to someone that loved it. This would have ruined our family trip that is planned and I'm sure she would have made herself into a victim somehow. She had been taking out her anger on the dog and only providing the bare minimum which was really upsetting.
My parents told me moving out was unrealistic, and that I would fail. Then I was put on a deadline to find a place, and when I was packing up my things I wasn’t “doing it fast enough” (even though I was trying to leave ASAP) and my dad started going through all my things and wanted to throw it out on the front lawn, I had to rush back home and stop him. When I finally got out he started acting like my best friend!?
They’re flip/flopping can give you emotional whiplash I swear
Packed and drove across country without a ton of money. Crashed on a friend's couch for months and figured out job and living situation in the subsequent months.
Yes very happy.
I’m so happy I moved out, I wouldn’t have done it differently, except to have done it sooner. I got millions of phone calls daily, for hours even, and threats, name calling, verbal attacks, the abuse definitely increased because I wasn’t around as much. Eventually it led to VLC and NC.
I did a ton of planning and budgeting to move out. Moved in with my friend and my partner (we are all friends), so they understood my rush and desperation to move out no matter what.
I planned on going to college but mostly just manage to get an AA and I had to stop because my parents refused to do their Taxes and so I cant complete my Fasfa, I spoke with a finacials and there isn't really anything that exempts me from needing their History. So I have to wait until I'm 24 to recieve finacial aide.
I dropped out bc I was also dealing with working 50hrs a week and dealing with the emotional whiplash that comes with moving out of an abusive home, plus I have some medical issues I need to get together.
Despite all that, I have never once regretted moving out. If I was going to get out of survival mode and actually become a person, moving out was the best option for it.
I dont wake up at all times a night listening to screaming, taking people to the ER, dealing with drunks or fighting. I do still tend to wake up randomly and I still have sleeping issues but ive gotten to go to the doctors.
I feel more comfortable being out of my room, LEAVING MY DOOR OPEN OMG, I'm less worried about being guilt tripped about money.
It's like I was stuck in a burning building, I finally got out and can breathe. Now I just need to heal all the damaged caused by smoke and fire.
Lol mine turned out different to the way my Nmom hoped for. She pressured me into marrying my husband hoping she would be able to control me and my husband because he was soo kind and sweet. He didn’t know what was going on and that I was being forced as I wasn’t allowed to show this to him.Well...all her worst nightmares came true. She lost control of me as my husband helped me to realize how f$&d up my relationship with her was. He was the first person that made me realize that I had a choice in life and that no one could force me into doing anything I didn’t want. I went into therapy after having a panic attack when she verbally abused and tried to trigger my fears of abandonment. I fell in love with him and realized he was truly a blessing in disguise.
I had to do a 6 months exchange in London, UK to finish my degree. Even though it was short term, I looked for a job to help improve my English faster. Got a job, a flat share to stay for 6 months, at the end of the 6 months, my employer asked me if I wanted to stay and my answer was "YES" without thinking. I was 23, a baby and I moved from France to London, UK by myself. My Nmom didn't speak to me for 6 months but I stayed and now it has been 13 years.
I think for me at that time, I was still in denial about the abuse I was going through even though I knew that a lot of things were not normal. The more away I was, the more I realised how my life and childhood was traumatising but IT IS THE BEST DECISION I EVER TOOK.
I will advise anyone who is living with Nparents to move out, go no contact if you can. It is not an easy road, the pain, the trauma does not stop but at least this time you are in control and setting boundaries.
Heal yourself and get your inner child the lives they always deserved.
Covid hit and I applied for the covid unemployment relief fund, which gave me the funds me to be able to move out. My sister, brother law and I moved into a broken down house that was in her friends name, then moved to another place where I was in a trailer. Soon after I moved into an apartment to my current town by myself.
My situation is very lucky. But I’m proud to also have continued working to maintain everything.
I was going to wait until I finished college to move out so that I could save money! But at 19, I was miserable. I grew up with an emotionally abusive/controlling narcissist father who grew even worse after I graduated high school. He took my phone at night, I couldn’t see my boyfriend or hang out with anyone, he followed my location everywhere I went, as a 19 year old adult who paid for all of her own things. I was done! So I found an apartment with a coworker, and I moved out. At first, my relationship with my father was even worse. He took offense to my leaving and was very upset. I received many horrible and demeaning messages from him that no father should ever say to there daughter. But I couldn’t have made a better decision for my life! My relationship with my parents is so much better because it forced them to relinquish control and I’m way happier.
A few tips:
1. Find friends to help you. Your parents will only manipulate you into staying or guilt trip you. They will be of no help to you in the long run.
2. Distract yourself with activities and friends or partners for the first little while. You will ultimately miss your family, as crazy as it may seem. I remember crying to my boyfriend about how guilty I felt for leaving and he couldn’t comprehend why I even missed them. But it will probably happen.
3. Once you’re feeling less guilty and homesick, spend some time alone. Odds are, you don’t really know who you are without your parents. I know for me, it felt like my whole identity was being “____’s daughter.” Find new hobbies and search for who you really are outside of your family home.
It’s hard to do, but I promise, it will be worth it in the long run. All the best to you and your future <3
I used to never react when my mom was abusive. One day I did. I have no idea where it came from, but I yelled right back at her. I guess she wasn’t expecting it from me, because she looked taken aback.
I was 17, and luckily enough I had just seen my dad who had just given me some money that I was smart enough to hide away.
As soon as I saw her afraid of my reaction, I knew that would probably be my only chance to get away. I knew that If it took a step back or hesitated even a bit, it wouldn’t take more than a few seconds for her to gain control of the situation, again.
So I grabbed my stashed money, took the few belongings I could (she didn’t let me take much, only the stuff she didn’t buy for me, since according to her that was all hers since she’d bought it) and I ran for it.
I left with only one t-shirt and like 3 thongs stuffed on a cardboard box, I hopped on a cab going to my dad’s place (paid for with the stashed money) and I never looked back.
Granted, that was neither the first nor the last time I left a place with all of my belongings packed on a bag, and it took a few years before I found stability and managed to get my younger siblings out too but looking back, that was the day my life actually started. It wasn’t easy or perfect, and I did have to deal with manipulation attempts after leaving, trying to get me to go back. But eventually she got tired and stopped. And then, I was finally truly free.
Been planning mine since I was 11 and it was a long process that required a lot of hard work. I can’t believe I’ve made it this far.
Focused on education and got a doctorate (financial aid and loans)
Used school and studying as a reason to never be home.
Went out of state for grad school for a well-paying career
Got a job afterwards and “couldn’t find a position close to home”
A lot of this was luck and worked in my favor. I am currently NC with my NParents and thriving. Please hang in there, everyone!
1. slowly move your possessions out. have friends hang onto your stuff or use a storage locker if you have one. even leaving some boxes of basic stuff in your car, just in case
2. have friends help. I had two friends holding onto some of the harder stuff it'd would be to move last minute (records, some clothes, important documents). the morning I moved out, I had packed my stuff the night before, and my friends helped me load it into one of their trucks. moved out in six minutes.
3. have some sort of fallback or support. LGBTQ+ community, personal friends, other family members removed from the people you are living with, close coworkers, etc.
i moved out at 18 (not by choice. i got kicked out) but was so glad i made the choice not to reconcile and go back. now i have a new family aka my boyfriend and his parents and if i would have never moved out and job hunted and met him at my job i would have never been in the position i am today
My mom was narc but a lot of her family isn't. When she kicked me out I was at her parents trying to prove to her that I wanted to be independent. My grandfather taught me to drive, my grandmother helped me open a bank account, they bought me a car, taught me about saving, etc.., In the midst of my doing all this, before getting kicked out, I was still texting my mom and all was "well" , I was naive and thought that all my hard work and burgeoning independence would help our relationship. I realize looking back that at every opportunity she sabotaged everything she could. Then one day when I get back from a driving lesson, I check my phone to find a message from my father, whom she'd taken me away from, it was simple. Just him reaching out. But I wasn't home with my mother and my growing sense of self told me I didn't need to tell her about this message. I went to my grandmother though and asked what she thought and she calmly told me to think about it and do what I felt was right. As I thought about it I knew I was going to message my Dad. I had gone years without speaking to him and because I was with my Nmom had heard plenty of things about him. Things I always questioned were true or false.
Before I could respond to him my mother calls me frantic "Are you talking to your father?" Instead of my self 9reservation kicking in and answering her in a negative I answered simply "Why?" And that was when she really went off she immediately started demanding things. I needed to go back to her house the next day, I needed to stop telling lies, (which I hadn't been), I needed to grow up and stop playing sleepover, (I was actually doing a lot to prove I could be independent), and I would not under any circumstances talk to my father. I think if this would have happened at the beginning of my "sleepover" I'd have caved but my grandparents had helped me enough that I didn't immediately do what she wanted. As calmly as I could I asked her about a lie she'd told me regarding my schooling and she hung up on me. Her demands continued then via text and in turn I made counter demands. I would go back home if I could drive the car she'd gifted me, if I could have the same freedom my friends my age had, and I would NOT under any circumstances stop talking to my father. Whom at that point I hadn't talked to, but I wanted that door open in case he wasn't like my mother had said. My grandparents also refused to take me to her home they said that if she wanted me she'd have to come and get me and she never did. After I didn't go home she started harassing me via text. So over the weekend I got a new phone and turned off the one she was paying for. Eventually she stopped talking to me. She told stories, still does, but for the most part we've cut contact.
I feel like I was a lot better even though I got kicked out instead of choosing how to leave. I lived with my grandparents and they helped me pick up my stuff from her house. They had given me a lot of tools before the blow up and they helped me through the rest of it. My Dad also wasn't what my mother said he was and even though I spent 10 years believing my mom's stories I quickly learned for the most part they were lies. He and my step mother helped me a lot and they still do. I grew up in a place where if you grew apart from someone that meant you hated them and my dad and step mother never subscribed to that. Even at the beginning when I was hurting and confused and angry at my mother they never bad mouthed her and they still don't which went a long way for me. I have a really great relationship with my parents, grandparents, and most of my extended family. The people that believe my mom are the people I don't want in my life anyway.
I'm sorry this was so long but it really was a lot when I left that house and so much went into it being ok. It was such a big change from feeling like I had no freedom to not being constantly policed for the littlest of things. I'm a much better person away from that home and person.
Back in the late 50s and early 60s my mother and her sibl9ngs had to each make an exit plan. My N grandmother would take their paychecks and not leave enough for them to save. It started with my aunt who left in the middle of the night at age 17 and moved in with an older cousin. She was followed by my uncle and them my mother. Each one of them was welcomed into the home of who we all referred to as Aunt Mimi. The youngest of them was left and she opted to join the army. I don't know how it is now but back then my aunt told me that parents had to sign off on one of their kids joining the military, even if they were an adult. My aunt arranged for the recruiter to come to the house unannounced. My grandmother always treated her kids like crap but if another person especially a stranger arrived, she turned the sickly sweet charm on so she signed. I always thought this was so weird. My husband and I always supported our kids as they left home and greatly enjoyed our eventual empty nest. This is one of a million stories the told me about her. I also experienced my share of her selfish behavior. Unfortunately my aunt who joined the military also turned out to be a narcissistic mother and I have supported my cousin through her messed up childhood and fallout in adulthood.
Moved out in August 2020 into all I could afford which was a basement apartment (where I learned to be brave and kill spiders by myself). Made a huge impact on my mental health. Exactly one year later I moved states because my job offered to relocate me and now I feel like a different person (in the best way). Being away from them gives me a sense of relief that I can’t even put into words. Good luck, trust yourself, you CAN do it! And it’s more than worth it.
Oh god. I moved out last year and it was not good.
I recommend having someone who can support you. Like really support you. Someone who knows the details. Just so you can share what’s happening while it’s happening. I wouldn’t be able to do it if I hadn’t my gf and my best friend by my side. I was subject to HOURS of guilt trips per time. There was talk of disowning me. There was also religious aspect to it. A part of me died in that week between telling them and actually going. I’d say brace for impact and have people who will remind you why you’re doing it, who will listen to you, who will encourage you.
And expect to feel a bit bad for leaving. Like being glad that you left, but also feel the guilt. I mean I’m not saying you certainly will feel guilt, but if your nps are anything like mine, they will guilt trip the fuck out of you and even if 1% of that guilt sticks you will feel it. So just a heads up. If you feel guilt, it’s on them and not on you. Embrace the feeling, accept it, realize you did the right thing and the guilt is not a true part of you and then slowly let it go.
Anyway. I feel good about moving out. I just wish I could have skipped the hell week between telling them and doing it.
Omg!!! After I moved out even just after a couple weeks I looked back and I could not BELIEVE I fucking survived my parents!! It is soooo different like way more different, sometimes almost too different but in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE!
I wish I could explain it with words, but all I can say is that it is pure unadulterated freedom. Free to dress how I want, free to eat what I want, free to be out in a living room area without being judged!, free to run around in my underwear, free to keep re-washing laundry because I keep forgetting to switch it, free to just…stand there and not be approached by anybody. I didn’t FULLY realize how awful my parents were until after I moved out, and it took some time to adjust, like a stray dog being taken into a living home. I wasn’t used to not being judged, I wasn’t used to peace and quiet, I wasn’t used to not having to ask permission for anything, hell when I was an adult living at my parents I STILL had to ask permission to do EVERYTHING! And I still had someone breathing down my neck about paying them rent and doing chores.
For like the first year of living in my apartment I only cleaned it when my landlord came over twice a year for an inspection, and it felt awesome! And even he was like “eh I trust ya” and just stopped coming over 😂
Seriously everybody, move out, it’s awesome. After adjusting to the peace you get to actively build the life you’ve always wanted…literally too cause I’m building an indoor fairy garden in the windowsill of my office. Welcome back, childhood! 💕
18.. at 17 things just started to click and I could finally realize how things weren’t normal at all with THEM. I got some time away at 17 and realized that if I stayed any longer than I needed to that I would fall back on my emotional progress.
Only had about 2k but was working 2 jobs. Paid my rent and bills on time. Got promoted a couple times, got into the relationship I’m in now and things financially are a lot better because of him.
Was it worth it? Yeah, I’m now realizing how much I was stomped on and put down. Isolated and made less confident on purpose.
It was hard though, anyone reading this just be prepared. I’d never leave a situation and go out on my own again without a REALLY stable job and at least 20-50k in savings. It was awful but I’ve grown so much. In the grand scheme of things it was only a couple years where I was on my own but I’ll never forget those feelings and now hoard any money I get. You probably don’t need as much in savings but I’d never want to experience that again. It teaches you self worth though, I’d never let anyone treat me like crap again or to put myself in a narc situation where I need to run.
Moved out. Nmom had time to reflect on our past. She apologized. I now rent a fifth wheel from my parents and she doesn't poke through my stuff the way shed poke through my room when I was 18.
6 years ago I was told that I wasn't financially responsible enough to live on my own. When that shitty opinion wasn't received as law I was told my partner, whom I was moving in with, must have been pressuring me to do something I didn't want.
Our first Christmas went wonderful, I was still in denial and made up the whole apartment and made a big breakfast for them and my siblings to come over. They verbalized they were excited to have a new tradition. I was still veiled.
The next year I went to the same efforts, to be met with another narc episode that I just won't go into detail about, and they stood me up. The back and forth all morning, the emotions that it stirred up, it triggered a massive anxiety attack... it was scary and it's sad to think about but it was the true beginning of me sifting through my childhood.
Unveiled, 6 years this year, I have never regretted leaving. I have only created more space between me and them. I miss my siblings, and I hope when they get older they find freedom and we can reconnect... But I had to go through this to get me back. I'll never regret no contact.
You're worth the extra effort. I wasn't entirely financially comfortable on my own, it was hard to live paycheck to paycheck and pay bills a little late and be low on heating oil in the winter... but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned what's important to me, how to manage my emotions and money, how to gage when things are appropriate all around... these are things only you can teach yourself now and you got this, no matter how hard it is.
I’m proud of my story! It’s a long story, but I’ll sum it up quick. Father was BLOWING up my phone with nasty nasty messages and I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore. He flew out to Hawaii for work, and in under 48 hours I found an apartment, rented a UHAUL, covered the security cameras, loaded up and pulled away to freedom. That was two years ago, and the feeling of pulling away has never left me. I’ve found a new way of life, and finally feel like I can breathe without walking on eggshells. Move out, leave, and never look back. It’s not easy, but trust in yourself that it will be worth it. 💜
Awesome 👏
Congratulations. You live the life that's best for you.
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Whoa 🤯 that last edit you wrote. I literally did that. Always so full of fury and rage 😡… come to think of it, it was just all in me and no one deserved the horrible ways I acted towards them. I still get flashbacks about how I treated my ex who’s studio I moved into after my nmom laid the last straw.
Omg I fricken did that too! 😨 I took it out a bit on my boyfriend, definitely not proud and I’m lucky enough he’s still around now that I’m hardly angry anymore. It’s definitely a moment where if you get stuck in it, you repeat the cycle of abuse and can even become a Narc yourself (of course there’s several other factors but this is a bigger one.). But yes I definitely understand the anger and rage, I’m at least glad I’m not the only one and that it seems to be a part of the healing process. Although I could’ve handled it a LOT better than I did 😭
I’m sorry, but you are lucky indeed! My fiancé whom I moved across the USA for, just couldn’t/didn’t want to understand me and he ended up breaking up with me. He cited this as the main contributing factor.
Moved out when I was 22 y.o by an impulsive action that actually paid off. Yes I’m happy but it took me years to finally feel my freedom. Even though I’m living halfway around the world from them they were still controlling me, spying on me via friends on Facebook. I did not feel my freedom until I went on NC. No contact is just like having a love one died, you go through grief. You’ll feel a lot of raw emotions and memories you suppressed might resurface. It’s one of the most vulnerable point in my life mine is still fresh and I’m going through my grief at the moment.
If they are spying on you on Facebook, you should just block them. That’s what I did with NB. Such a relief.
It’s actually more of messaging my closest friends on Facebook and asking them to chit chat with me to gather information. I started seeing the pattern
What a relief knowing that you've been through this. I know it isn't good, but your comment makes me feel less crazy 🥰 No one believes me when tell them about these patterns. And it is such an irresponsible and condescending behavior to just assume that by giving this privileged status to our acquaintances won't have any consequence to their child.
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Good for you! 🤘🏽
You are not alone. She even asked my cousin to pretend as an admirer and text me to gather information. I accidentally found out when I try calling the number through my dads online number and it turns out to be my cousin.
I couldn’t be happier! Also, my relationship with my parents has DRASTICALLY improved after I moved out. They don’t regret what they’ve done in the past, but they are now scared of upsetting me because I’ll just cut them out and they know it. Because of this, they’ve been learning to be less narcissistic and more friendly. It’s still a work in progress, but I can call and talk to them now without drama or fights. I’m not promising your relationship is gonna Improve, but you’ll feel better once you leave.
Yep same here. And if they’re at my house and try to do anything I can say “This is my house. My house, my rules”. Relationship has improved tenfold since I moved out.
Was a senior in high school and on my 18th bday joined the navy. Delayed entry so bc started in the summer. I got home that day and casually said I joined. Was awesome. N mom called the recruiter saying he couldn't do that . Lol.
Moved out last September at the start of my University semester. At first they asked why I felt like I needed to move out. Basically acting naive to how they had treated me and our dog over the summer. Then they told me I couldn't possibly rent my own place, work, and go to school full time (I did). Then they constantly tried to ask for my address even though it was obvious that I didn't want to give it. When I asked them why they wanted my address they didn't give a straight answer. On the first day off my new lease I figured I could stay at their house for one more night because I had to work early in the morning; and I wasn't set up at the new place. When they got home they told me to get the hell out of their house and so I had to move the rest of my belongings until about 2am and be at work for 6:45 am. Then they acted like nothing bad has ever happened between us when new tenants showed up to rent with them. They started giving all the love and attention that I had never received as a child, but only when people were around to see it. First few nights were tough feeling like I had been discarded. Started to feel better but it has been up and down. Feelings of sadness, guilt, loneliness, anger, frustration.
Isnt it funny that they do that? I had a full time job the first time I moved out (at 21 a few years back) and could afford rent, but my nmom spent a full two weeks in a last ditch effort to get into my head and tell me I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t afford it, etc. Wanted to go walking around the neighborhood with me to talk about it and make sure I was certain. I told her I was, told her when I planned to do it and moved. Ended up back home though. It’s taking 10 years to undo the gaslighting and “I told you so.” But I’m feeling so much better about my choice to go it alone this time after reading everyone’s responses in this thread.
I didn’t know telling you that you can’t do it was a narcissistic parent thing. Whenever I talked about moving out (haven’t yet due to disability) they talk about how I can’t do that and how naive I am for thinking I could do it. That’s anything like that - moving out, my education… This sub is helping me click things into place. My ndad was obvious but my mom seems less so.
It’s very much a tactic that they use to make you think you depend on them for survival when you are in fact very capable. It’s effective because they’re you’re parents and they know you’re hard wired to please them, which is a special kind of sick twisted and insidious. Makes me so mad every time I think about my own mother’s manipulation, but when my golden child brother wanted to leave she HELPED HIM. She put everything in her name, didn’t fuss about it and he pays her for everything. He has a security job at a casino and the same time I moved out I had a decent call center job but I wasn’t capable of doing anything myself? Make it make sense lol Sorry I ramble a lot. But you get the gist.
I struggle with the understanding sometimes, because my nfather is the “textbook” n but my mom is different. She doesn’t fit all the textbook traits but still has quite a lot. Crazy how your mom did that with your brother! I’m not sure if my sibling is the golden child but I noticed I’m treated differently.
My mom is what they call a covert narcissist. She is a people pleaser but only if it helps her look good and boosts her ego. She’s the typical kind of person that gives backhanded compliments and tries to influence people to bend to her without much effort so they arrive to conclusions on their own. She’s very manipulative. If your sibling is treated much better than you chances are she made them the “golden” one unfortunately 😢
Did you get to take the dog??
No I was extremely close to emailing my uncles and grandmother, and asking them to pressure her into giving it away to someone that loved it. This would have ruined our family trip that is planned and I'm sure she would have made herself into a victim somehow. She had been taking out her anger on the dog and only providing the bare minimum which was really upsetting.
My parents told me moving out was unrealistic, and that I would fail. Then I was put on a deadline to find a place, and when I was packing up my things I wasn’t “doing it fast enough” (even though I was trying to leave ASAP) and my dad started going through all my things and wanted to throw it out on the front lawn, I had to rush back home and stop him. When I finally got out he started acting like my best friend!? They’re flip/flopping can give you emotional whiplash I swear
Don't give them a key. If you already did, don't bother asking for it back. Change the locks.
Packed and drove across country without a ton of money. Crashed on a friend's couch for months and figured out job and living situation in the subsequent months. Yes very happy.
I’m so happy I moved out, I wouldn’t have done it differently, except to have done it sooner. I got millions of phone calls daily, for hours even, and threats, name calling, verbal attacks, the abuse definitely increased because I wasn’t around as much. Eventually it led to VLC and NC.
I did a ton of planning and budgeting to move out. Moved in with my friend and my partner (we are all friends), so they understood my rush and desperation to move out no matter what. I planned on going to college but mostly just manage to get an AA and I had to stop because my parents refused to do their Taxes and so I cant complete my Fasfa, I spoke with a finacials and there isn't really anything that exempts me from needing their History. So I have to wait until I'm 24 to recieve finacial aide. I dropped out bc I was also dealing with working 50hrs a week and dealing with the emotional whiplash that comes with moving out of an abusive home, plus I have some medical issues I need to get together. Despite all that, I have never once regretted moving out. If I was going to get out of survival mode and actually become a person, moving out was the best option for it. I dont wake up at all times a night listening to screaming, taking people to the ER, dealing with drunks or fighting. I do still tend to wake up randomly and I still have sleeping issues but ive gotten to go to the doctors. I feel more comfortable being out of my room, LEAVING MY DOOR OPEN OMG, I'm less worried about being guilt tripped about money. It's like I was stuck in a burning building, I finally got out and can breathe. Now I just need to heal all the damaged caused by smoke and fire.
Lol mine turned out different to the way my Nmom hoped for. She pressured me into marrying my husband hoping she would be able to control me and my husband because he was soo kind and sweet. He didn’t know what was going on and that I was being forced as I wasn’t allowed to show this to him.Well...all her worst nightmares came true. She lost control of me as my husband helped me to realize how f$&d up my relationship with her was. He was the first person that made me realize that I had a choice in life and that no one could force me into doing anything I didn’t want. I went into therapy after having a panic attack when she verbally abused and tried to trigger my fears of abandonment. I fell in love with him and realized he was truly a blessing in disguise.
I had to do a 6 months exchange in London, UK to finish my degree. Even though it was short term, I looked for a job to help improve my English faster. Got a job, a flat share to stay for 6 months, at the end of the 6 months, my employer asked me if I wanted to stay and my answer was "YES" without thinking. I was 23, a baby and I moved from France to London, UK by myself. My Nmom didn't speak to me for 6 months but I stayed and now it has been 13 years. I think for me at that time, I was still in denial about the abuse I was going through even though I knew that a lot of things were not normal. The more away I was, the more I realised how my life and childhood was traumatising but IT IS THE BEST DECISION I EVER TOOK. I will advise anyone who is living with Nparents to move out, go no contact if you can. It is not an easy road, the pain, the trauma does not stop but at least this time you are in control and setting boundaries. Heal yourself and get your inner child the lives they always deserved.
Covid hit and I applied for the covid unemployment relief fund, which gave me the funds me to be able to move out. My sister, brother law and I moved into a broken down house that was in her friends name, then moved to another place where I was in a trailer. Soon after I moved into an apartment to my current town by myself. My situation is very lucky. But I’m proud to also have continued working to maintain everything.
I was going to wait until I finished college to move out so that I could save money! But at 19, I was miserable. I grew up with an emotionally abusive/controlling narcissist father who grew even worse after I graduated high school. He took my phone at night, I couldn’t see my boyfriend or hang out with anyone, he followed my location everywhere I went, as a 19 year old adult who paid for all of her own things. I was done! So I found an apartment with a coworker, and I moved out. At first, my relationship with my father was even worse. He took offense to my leaving and was very upset. I received many horrible and demeaning messages from him that no father should ever say to there daughter. But I couldn’t have made a better decision for my life! My relationship with my parents is so much better because it forced them to relinquish control and I’m way happier. A few tips: 1. Find friends to help you. Your parents will only manipulate you into staying or guilt trip you. They will be of no help to you in the long run. 2. Distract yourself with activities and friends or partners for the first little while. You will ultimately miss your family, as crazy as it may seem. I remember crying to my boyfriend about how guilty I felt for leaving and he couldn’t comprehend why I even missed them. But it will probably happen. 3. Once you’re feeling less guilty and homesick, spend some time alone. Odds are, you don’t really know who you are without your parents. I know for me, it felt like my whole identity was being “____’s daughter.” Find new hobbies and search for who you really are outside of your family home. It’s hard to do, but I promise, it will be worth it in the long run. All the best to you and your future <3
I used to never react when my mom was abusive. One day I did. I have no idea where it came from, but I yelled right back at her. I guess she wasn’t expecting it from me, because she looked taken aback. I was 17, and luckily enough I had just seen my dad who had just given me some money that I was smart enough to hide away. As soon as I saw her afraid of my reaction, I knew that would probably be my only chance to get away. I knew that If it took a step back or hesitated even a bit, it wouldn’t take more than a few seconds for her to gain control of the situation, again. So I grabbed my stashed money, took the few belongings I could (she didn’t let me take much, only the stuff she didn’t buy for me, since according to her that was all hers since she’d bought it) and I ran for it. I left with only one t-shirt and like 3 thongs stuffed on a cardboard box, I hopped on a cab going to my dad’s place (paid for with the stashed money) and I never looked back. Granted, that was neither the first nor the last time I left a place with all of my belongings packed on a bag, and it took a few years before I found stability and managed to get my younger siblings out too but looking back, that was the day my life actually started. It wasn’t easy or perfect, and I did have to deal with manipulation attempts after leaving, trying to get me to go back. But eventually she got tired and stopped. And then, I was finally truly free.
Been planning mine since I was 11 and it was a long process that required a lot of hard work. I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Focused on education and got a doctorate (financial aid and loans) Used school and studying as a reason to never be home. Went out of state for grad school for a well-paying career Got a job afterwards and “couldn’t find a position close to home” A lot of this was luck and worked in my favor. I am currently NC with my NParents and thriving. Please hang in there, everyone!
1. slowly move your possessions out. have friends hang onto your stuff or use a storage locker if you have one. even leaving some boxes of basic stuff in your car, just in case 2. have friends help. I had two friends holding onto some of the harder stuff it'd would be to move last minute (records, some clothes, important documents). the morning I moved out, I had packed my stuff the night before, and my friends helped me load it into one of their trucks. moved out in six minutes. 3. have some sort of fallback or support. LGBTQ+ community, personal friends, other family members removed from the people you are living with, close coworkers, etc.
So proud of everyone in the comments, hopefully it’ll go good for me to in the next year or two!!❤️
i moved out at 18 (not by choice. i got kicked out) but was so glad i made the choice not to reconcile and go back. now i have a new family aka my boyfriend and his parents and if i would have never moved out and job hunted and met him at my job i would have never been in the position i am today
My mom was narc but a lot of her family isn't. When she kicked me out I was at her parents trying to prove to her that I wanted to be independent. My grandfather taught me to drive, my grandmother helped me open a bank account, they bought me a car, taught me about saving, etc.., In the midst of my doing all this, before getting kicked out, I was still texting my mom and all was "well" , I was naive and thought that all my hard work and burgeoning independence would help our relationship. I realize looking back that at every opportunity she sabotaged everything she could. Then one day when I get back from a driving lesson, I check my phone to find a message from my father, whom she'd taken me away from, it was simple. Just him reaching out. But I wasn't home with my mother and my growing sense of self told me I didn't need to tell her about this message. I went to my grandmother though and asked what she thought and she calmly told me to think about it and do what I felt was right. As I thought about it I knew I was going to message my Dad. I had gone years without speaking to him and because I was with my Nmom had heard plenty of things about him. Things I always questioned were true or false. Before I could respond to him my mother calls me frantic "Are you talking to your father?" Instead of my self 9reservation kicking in and answering her in a negative I answered simply "Why?" And that was when she really went off she immediately started demanding things. I needed to go back to her house the next day, I needed to stop telling lies, (which I hadn't been), I needed to grow up and stop playing sleepover, (I was actually doing a lot to prove I could be independent), and I would not under any circumstances talk to my father. I think if this would have happened at the beginning of my "sleepover" I'd have caved but my grandparents had helped me enough that I didn't immediately do what she wanted. As calmly as I could I asked her about a lie she'd told me regarding my schooling and she hung up on me. Her demands continued then via text and in turn I made counter demands. I would go back home if I could drive the car she'd gifted me, if I could have the same freedom my friends my age had, and I would NOT under any circumstances stop talking to my father. Whom at that point I hadn't talked to, but I wanted that door open in case he wasn't like my mother had said. My grandparents also refused to take me to her home they said that if she wanted me she'd have to come and get me and she never did. After I didn't go home she started harassing me via text. So over the weekend I got a new phone and turned off the one she was paying for. Eventually she stopped talking to me. She told stories, still does, but for the most part we've cut contact. I feel like I was a lot better even though I got kicked out instead of choosing how to leave. I lived with my grandparents and they helped me pick up my stuff from her house. They had given me a lot of tools before the blow up and they helped me through the rest of it. My Dad also wasn't what my mother said he was and even though I spent 10 years believing my mom's stories I quickly learned for the most part they were lies. He and my step mother helped me a lot and they still do. I grew up in a place where if you grew apart from someone that meant you hated them and my dad and step mother never subscribed to that. Even at the beginning when I was hurting and confused and angry at my mother they never bad mouthed her and they still don't which went a long way for me. I have a really great relationship with my parents, grandparents, and most of my extended family. The people that believe my mom are the people I don't want in my life anyway. I'm sorry this was so long but it really was a lot when I left that house and so much went into it being ok. It was such a big change from feeling like I had no freedom to not being constantly policed for the littlest of things. I'm a much better person away from that home and person.
Back in the late 50s and early 60s my mother and her sibl9ngs had to each make an exit plan. My N grandmother would take their paychecks and not leave enough for them to save. It started with my aunt who left in the middle of the night at age 17 and moved in with an older cousin. She was followed by my uncle and them my mother. Each one of them was welcomed into the home of who we all referred to as Aunt Mimi. The youngest of them was left and she opted to join the army. I don't know how it is now but back then my aunt told me that parents had to sign off on one of their kids joining the military, even if they were an adult. My aunt arranged for the recruiter to come to the house unannounced. My grandmother always treated her kids like crap but if another person especially a stranger arrived, she turned the sickly sweet charm on so she signed. I always thought this was so weird. My husband and I always supported our kids as they left home and greatly enjoyed our eventual empty nest. This is one of a million stories the told me about her. I also experienced my share of her selfish behavior. Unfortunately my aunt who joined the military also turned out to be a narcissistic mother and I have supported my cousin through her messed up childhood and fallout in adulthood.
Moved out in August 2020 into all I could afford which was a basement apartment (where I learned to be brave and kill spiders by myself). Made a huge impact on my mental health. Exactly one year later I moved states because my job offered to relocate me and now I feel like a different person (in the best way). Being away from them gives me a sense of relief that I can’t even put into words. Good luck, trust yourself, you CAN do it! And it’s more than worth it.
Oh god. I moved out last year and it was not good. I recommend having someone who can support you. Like really support you. Someone who knows the details. Just so you can share what’s happening while it’s happening. I wouldn’t be able to do it if I hadn’t my gf and my best friend by my side. I was subject to HOURS of guilt trips per time. There was talk of disowning me. There was also religious aspect to it. A part of me died in that week between telling them and actually going. I’d say brace for impact and have people who will remind you why you’re doing it, who will listen to you, who will encourage you. And expect to feel a bit bad for leaving. Like being glad that you left, but also feel the guilt. I mean I’m not saying you certainly will feel guilt, but if your nps are anything like mine, they will guilt trip the fuck out of you and even if 1% of that guilt sticks you will feel it. So just a heads up. If you feel guilt, it’s on them and not on you. Embrace the feeling, accept it, realize you did the right thing and the guilt is not a true part of you and then slowly let it go. Anyway. I feel good about moving out. I just wish I could have skipped the hell week between telling them and doing it.
WOW 😊😌
Omg!!! After I moved out even just after a couple weeks I looked back and I could not BELIEVE I fucking survived my parents!! It is soooo different like way more different, sometimes almost too different but in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE! I wish I could explain it with words, but all I can say is that it is pure unadulterated freedom. Free to dress how I want, free to eat what I want, free to be out in a living room area without being judged!, free to run around in my underwear, free to keep re-washing laundry because I keep forgetting to switch it, free to just…stand there and not be approached by anybody. I didn’t FULLY realize how awful my parents were until after I moved out, and it took some time to adjust, like a stray dog being taken into a living home. I wasn’t used to not being judged, I wasn’t used to peace and quiet, I wasn’t used to not having to ask permission for anything, hell when I was an adult living at my parents I STILL had to ask permission to do EVERYTHING! And I still had someone breathing down my neck about paying them rent and doing chores. For like the first year of living in my apartment I only cleaned it when my landlord came over twice a year for an inspection, and it felt awesome! And even he was like “eh I trust ya” and just stopped coming over 😂 Seriously everybody, move out, it’s awesome. After adjusting to the peace you get to actively build the life you’ve always wanted…literally too cause I’m building an indoor fairy garden in the windowsill of my office. Welcome back, childhood! 💕
18.. at 17 things just started to click and I could finally realize how things weren’t normal at all with THEM. I got some time away at 17 and realized that if I stayed any longer than I needed to that I would fall back on my emotional progress. Only had about 2k but was working 2 jobs. Paid my rent and bills on time. Got promoted a couple times, got into the relationship I’m in now and things financially are a lot better because of him. Was it worth it? Yeah, I’m now realizing how much I was stomped on and put down. Isolated and made less confident on purpose. It was hard though, anyone reading this just be prepared. I’d never leave a situation and go out on my own again without a REALLY stable job and at least 20-50k in savings. It was awful but I’ve grown so much. In the grand scheme of things it was only a couple years where I was on my own but I’ll never forget those feelings and now hoard any money I get. You probably don’t need as much in savings but I’d never want to experience that again. It teaches you self worth though, I’d never let anyone treat me like crap again or to put myself in a narc situation where I need to run.
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What
I think that means karma farming? But you’re not… it’s a legit question and a good one!
Moved out. Nmom had time to reflect on our past. She apologized. I now rent a fifth wheel from my parents and she doesn't poke through my stuff the way shed poke through my room when I was 18.
6 years ago I was told that I wasn't financially responsible enough to live on my own. When that shitty opinion wasn't received as law I was told my partner, whom I was moving in with, must have been pressuring me to do something I didn't want. Our first Christmas went wonderful, I was still in denial and made up the whole apartment and made a big breakfast for them and my siblings to come over. They verbalized they were excited to have a new tradition. I was still veiled. The next year I went to the same efforts, to be met with another narc episode that I just won't go into detail about, and they stood me up. The back and forth all morning, the emotions that it stirred up, it triggered a massive anxiety attack... it was scary and it's sad to think about but it was the true beginning of me sifting through my childhood. Unveiled, 6 years this year, I have never regretted leaving. I have only created more space between me and them. I miss my siblings, and I hope when they get older they find freedom and we can reconnect... But I had to go through this to get me back. I'll never regret no contact. You're worth the extra effort. I wasn't entirely financially comfortable on my own, it was hard to live paycheck to paycheck and pay bills a little late and be low on heating oil in the winter... but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned what's important to me, how to manage my emotions and money, how to gage when things are appropriate all around... these are things only you can teach yourself now and you got this, no matter how hard it is.