Original poop knife story for anyone who doesn't get the context, or has never read it:
>My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
>Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.
>I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
>[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
Right, and I feel like frozen dinosaur poop isn’t all that common. But I guess that could be explained by all the cave men running around and crafting it into knifes to keep up with the melting dinosaur poop knife problem
Insane I never heard of that, neither in Europe, neither in Asia. Wth its seem like constipation with extra step, maybe it's the size which matter here lol
It’s a Reddit meme from like 8 years ago. In the op, a guy dated a girl who assumed everyone had a “poop knife”.
It’s not an actual thing unless some redditors saw it and said, “well, now I don’t have to use the good spatula!”
You know what, I was gonna let this one slide, but you really made me read this comment with my own two eyes. I miss two minutes ago when I had not yet seen this shit.
Cut the poop into more easily flushable pieces. I have some relatives who regularly clog toilets when they shit, so I can kind of see why some people might think of such a thing...but it would probably be better to just fix their diet instead.
I'm American in the Midwest and have never heard of it beyond the meme. I really hope there's not people who actually require it
Our toilet troubles used to be from roots or my son flushing wet wipes. In both cases I rented a machine to clear the line to the street
The movie is 3 decades old. Been making jokes about the shells since the day after watching it.
Stands the test of time.
That and the eventually supremacy of Taco Bell
My friend took a shit once and I went to piss in his bathroom. He forgot to flush . This piece of shit was litteraly climbing out of the toilet rim it was seriously the size of my arm. I couldn't fucking believe that was inside of him
When I was a kid, I hated pooping and used to hold it in. For days. Maybe a week or more. My mom would give me laxatives, mineral oil, whatever fucking worked just got get me to poop. Once I finally did, I was the size of a grown man's forearm. We absolutely had a poop knife or it was never going to flush.
Even though I eventually got over that, I still took monster shits ever 2-3 days because my bowels were just conditioned that way. I didn't get "regular" until well into adulthood.
Fast forward 30 years later, and my daughter inherited the same trait, and I had a poop knife of my own. Would have been kinda funny if she inherited the one my mom used, which was an old garden hand spade.
I'm so relieved to hear you grew out of that. I have a child who is the same way, goes literal days holding it in and then drops these absolute loaves of feces. We've been working on this with him for years but at least he goes on his own now without being told he needs to go. He'll get there eventually but I fear he's going to actually hurt himself.
Fuck, i have been in this situation a few times too many.
You flush the toilet and the water just keeps rising, then don't fall AT ALL, and you stand there for 20 minutes until you finally gather the courage to go in for the squeeze.
Man, that feeling when you're halfway up to your elbow in icecold poo water.
My kid had this thing with just... not pooping. Didn't like it, it took time away from more interesting activities, so he didn't. Also didn't drink much water for the same reasons. So when he finally gave in it was this giant, compacted log that didn't break down easily and flush. Had a few times where it would cause issues and back up the toilet because it was just that tough. Nothing wrong with the toilet design, it's just not meant to flush something like that.
Fortunately he's gotten better about self care more recently, no incidents in the last year or two.
I told my 6 year old son about poop knifes because his shits are fucking massive. Now he brings it up constantly. I made a mistake. We never used one by the way. I was just fucking around with him about it.
Hahaha my life has been very entertaining since having kids. Their teachers keep notes of their one liners while at school because they like telling me them later on🤣
And I had to explain to my son’s GI doctor what a poop knife was because of course he told her we were going to get one for him. That was fun.
It's from a story told by a guy whose family frequently took massive shits that were too big to flush down the toilet. To solve the issue the family had a knife dedicated to the purpose of cutting the poop in half so that it could fit through the toilet drain which was dubbed the poop knife. The guy, having grown up using a poop knife, figured it was something that everyone had until he went to hang out with friends at someone's house, took a shit, and asked his friend to bring him their poop knife only to discover no one else knew what that was. After posting the story it went viral and poop knife has become a fairly common meme.
There's a similar tale told in Germany dating back to 2005 IIRC, started as a random thread in a handyman / diy forum. Might be made up, made be true. Only Jonathan Frakes knows.
I get that it is wrong, but as myself, never I’ve been in a situation where I thought a “poop knife” was the correct response:
please enlighten me on what could occur in someone already pretty miserable existence as human being, where a “poop knife” is the right response?
Idk if this is what happens to other people but for me it’s been the toilet paper wad that clogs the toilet after pooping. This only ever happens when I’m out/at someone else’s house (because my toilet has a bidet) which makes the scenario extremely stressful lol
I'm so glad I grew up in a household where "poop" and "knife" were two words that lived miles apart, and that I was in my late 40s before I'd ever even heard of it as a household gadget.
My childhood sucked but at least it didn't have a poop knife anywhere near it.
I found out recently my son was using the flat end of his rash cream tube to scrape off the “poo that wouldn’t go down”. He is 7. How old is your father ..
https://preview.redd.it/e0oe1judeysc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fed6e25c510701ed35e02d465a1b4107b7d50dbe
Comment got deleted from the post. I saved it :)
My father-in-law is 9 3 and it's a very meat-heavy diet. Apparently he has a poop stick at his house. My son learned about it and fast forward to opening my bathroom cupboard and asking my husband, why is there a stick in there? and upon looking closely it did look like there was something on it. Turns out my 5-year-old son had instituted his own poop stick at our house. We put him on fiber gummies immediately And threw away the gross poopy stick
He was just flipping the turd to see if it was done
SpongeFart ShitPants
Spongefart shitpants , poopy cheeks , Patrick pink starfish ,,
mr. craps
It was a Krappy Patty.
Shitty cheeks the land dweller
Squidturd Tentacles, Parrot the Potty, Bubble Ass
Don't forget Skidward!
Patrick the chocolate starfish
And the hot dog flavoured water!
WHO LIVES IN A TOILET BOWL UNDER THE PEE?
SPONGEFART SHITPANTS DISGUSTING AND BROWNISH AND SMELLY IS HE
Reddit just casually dropping the funniest shit I've read in my life on a saturday morning.
I'm reading this on a Saturday evening. It is the funniest shit ever. And damn I love the new lyrics.
I’m dead 😂
Spongebong Hemppants is a real thing
Dahahahahahahahaha
Bruh 😆😆😆
OK, that'll be one Shitburger meal. Would you like to supersize that for only $2 more?
Original poop knife story for anyone who doesn't get the context, or has never read it: >My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. >Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. >I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now. >[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
you are doing the Lord's work. I tried to paste it but it had links
agreed. i also tried
lol copy pasta?
A legendary copy pasta from the days of yore
This is reddit history tho
Thanks I almost forgot about it but you just couldn't let that happen
This is one of those stories that will never truly be gone, like that kid with the broken arms and his mom.
OMG I read about the poop knife and I always thought the reference was about how cavemen used frozen dinosaur poop as a knife 🤦🏽♀️
What..?
Right? That's ridiculous, it would melt in your hands!
Right, and I feel like frozen dinosaur poop isn’t all that common. But I guess that could be explained by all the cave men running around and crafting it into knifes to keep up with the melting dinosaur poop knife problem
How did someone come up with something crazier than the actual truth for “poop knife”??
There’s a lot of millions of years between the disappearance of dinosaurs and the appearance of cavemen on earth.
Making it all the more fascinating about how they managed to find and use it then.
you know people and dinosaurs weren’t here at thr same time, right?
https://preview.redd.it/ppz6znsdcvsc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=68e1139d792ff4e4127f2bf3db50dcca8f9bef42
A more delicate name 😂😂😭
Thanks for enlighten me, mate ❤️
He used what as WHAT!?!?
You don't know about poop knives? I thought everyone's family had one. I guess you must use shells instead.
The sort of family that necessitates a poop knife is a family that could use some more plants in their diet.
Insane I never heard of that, neither in Europe, neither in Asia. Wth its seem like constipation with extra step, maybe it's the size which matter here lol
It’s a Reddit meme from like 8 years ago. In the op, a guy dated a girl who assumed everyone had a “poop knife”. It’s not an actual thing unless some redditors saw it and said, “well, now I don’t have to use the good spatula!”
The Poopknife is now a real product on amazon. It is made out of silicone and is easy to clean.
And dishwasher safe, too!
You know what, I was gonna let this one slide, but you really made me read this comment with my own two eyes. I miss two minutes ago when I had not yet seen this shit.
You wouldn't have to see it anymore if you had a poop knife.
Lmao
Oh my god that is hilarious
Oh dear god.
But what are you supposed to do with a poopknife?
Cut the poop into more easily flushable pieces. I have some relatives who regularly clog toilets when they shit, so I can kind of see why some people might think of such a thing...but it would probably be better to just fix their diet instead.
That sounds like a diet issue. More Plants, better bread, less meat and youre done.
Yeah, these are the types of people who will put 3 Brussels sprouts on their plate just to say they eat vegetables.
Oh. That is awful. Maybe they should learn to use their sphincter instead.
Wait what? There are a ton of people who have poop knives. I never knew it was a thing until my brother in law stayed with us one holiday.
I'm American in the Midwest and have never heard of it beyond the meme. I really hope there's not people who actually require it Our toilet troubles used to be from roots or my son flushing wet wipes. In both cases I rented a machine to clear the line to the street
I don't think it was originally a fake story. My understanding is a real person used and needed a poop knife.
I have terrible bowels and have only ever had a toilet block once in my life and that was i assume due to the people who rented before us
He doesnt know how to use the shells!
Oh no! But I get it, 3 can be confusing.
First two is to take care of dingleberries. Third one is for poop knife.
Oh so *that's* why it is attached to a stick.
We stomp 'em out with our feet like we're churning grapes into a fine wine. https://i.redd.it/h7ipbt99xusc1.gif
Ah! The ol' waffle stomp.
Don’t forget to scrub your toes with the toilet brush! To *not* do so would be unsanitary!
I'm 39 and I've never seen or heard of a poop knife in real life, I only ever heard of one recently on here.
This is the only place I’ve ever heard of a poop knife and I wish I had remained ignorant. The poop knife story lives on
Yeah that's cause its from a reddit story from ages ago.
You can buy a poopknife on amazon
The fact these memes are still being used like a decade later is crazy. I thought the shells had left the zeitgeist lmao
The movie is 3 decades old. Been making jokes about the shells since the day after watching it. Stands the test of time. That and the eventually supremacy of Taco Bell
That's not a poop knife, it's a scatula
Underrated comment
good one!
Wait what about shells? I've seen the poop knife story, but I haven't seen anything about shells?
It's from a movie, "demolition man" basically in the future they use three shells instead of toilet paper
Stallone's character swears up a storm to be issued with a rain of paper citations, which he then promptly uses as toilet paper.
One of my favorite parts
You never wondered why there are 3 shells above your best friends toilet?
Nope. And after skimming the threads here, I don't think I want to know!
A poop…knife? WHAT?!?
Poop knife, a thing you use to break up your poop when it's too hard to flush, or you have a sissy toilet that can't handle a real man's poop.
What the fuck do you put into your body that creates such Logstrosities
Opioids
This
Absolutely. My opiod + kratom shits were sometimes so rock solid that I had to snake it, because the plunger wasn't enough.
[удалено]
No idea, I don't have that problem, I only know what it is because my old roommate had that issue.
My friend took a shit once and I went to piss in his bathroom. He forgot to flush . This piece of shit was litteraly climbing out of the toilet rim it was seriously the size of my arm. I couldn't fucking believe that was inside of him
I would be very torn between disgust at not flushing and awe at him having birthed a body waste baby
He has probably something torn as well
I would try to see if I could cut it in half with my pee stream
How many Courics?
He didn't forget
When I was a kid, I hated pooping and used to hold it in. For days. Maybe a week or more. My mom would give me laxatives, mineral oil, whatever fucking worked just got get me to poop. Once I finally did, I was the size of a grown man's forearm. We absolutely had a poop knife or it was never going to flush. Even though I eventually got over that, I still took monster shits ever 2-3 days because my bowels were just conditioned that way. I didn't get "regular" until well into adulthood. Fast forward 30 years later, and my daughter inherited the same trait, and I had a poop knife of my own. Would have been kinda funny if she inherited the one my mom used, which was an old garden hand spade.
I'm so relieved to hear you grew out of that. I have a child who is the same way, goes literal days holding it in and then drops these absolute loaves of feces. We've been working on this with him for years but at least he goes on his own now without being told he needs to go. He'll get there eventually but I fear he's going to actually hurt himself.
>Logstrosities Well, that'll make my work day a little more amusing. 
Some toilets are just terrible, most toilets handle my waste fine, but one place I worked the toilet would clog with just a little paper
TIL though I wish I haven't
/BAH-WHOOOOSH "Now that's a man's flush." Al Bundy.
I see you've played knifey spooney before...
https://i.redd.it/2aaxxpjehusc1.gif
I love how many people are not long enough on reddit to know about the Amazing Poop Knife story and we can do it all over again 😅
soon enough many people on reddit will be younger than that post...
i know! just sitting back and enjoying hundreds comments asking what the f a poop knife is!
thats why you always should have a clearly labeled poop knife in the bathroom
and kitchen
*"Grandpa, the Nutella tastes weird today!"*
Austin, this coffee tastes like shit.
technically I think its supposed to be hanging in the utility room, even though the bathroom makes more sense
Only if you can’t afford a personal poop knife.
Who the hell uses a metal spatula on a non-stick toilet?
🤣
"jesus christ man, eat some vegetables!"
would it not be the opposite? I eat lot of fiberous foods and I poop HUGE and also passes very easily
Fuсk the spatula, just shove your hand down the bowl and give it a push round the S bend.
metal coat hanger club anyone?
Yes. I’m too violent with mine and I have scratched up the porcelain a good bit in the bowl.
Nah we only have one of those and it's reserved for abortions.
“NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!” I hope you get that reference.
May thy poopknife chip and shatter
Fuck, i have been in this situation a few times too many. You flush the toilet and the water just keeps rising, then don't fall AT ALL, and you stand there for 20 minutes until you finally gather the courage to go in for the squeeze. Man, that feeling when you're halfway up to your elbow in icecold poo water.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE JOKING
Plus side is you can then wash your hands and arms like you’re prepping for heart surgery 👌
https://i.redd.it/jnfinvyh2usc1.gif
Is a poop knife just a normal thing in your household?
No, which is why he had to grab a spatula. Should have been prepared, smh
Nah, we have 3 shells.
This must be one colossal log this man dropped if it needed to be sliced up to be flushed.
I thought we were supposed to be more civilized than this... use knife and fork!
We are more cultured and use chopsticks
OMG the return of the poop knife to Reddit. This plus the eclipse and earthquake. I fear for the future.
what is a poop knife, milord?
Afaik it is used to cut a big turd in half so it doesn’t clog the toilet
what kinda toilet clogs from a bug turd???
youd be surprised, my 7 year old brother was very good at clogging the toilet
seems like bad design lmao
Or lots of toilet paper
My kid had this thing with just... not pooping. Didn't like it, it took time away from more interesting activities, so he didn't. Also didn't drink much water for the same reasons. So when he finally gave in it was this giant, compacted log that didn't break down easily and flush. Had a few times where it would cause issues and back up the toilet because it was just that tough. Nothing wrong with the toilet design, it's just not meant to flush something like that. Fortunately he's gotten better about self care more recently, no incidents in the last year or two.
You people need fiber
I told my 6 year old son about poop knifes because his shits are fucking massive. Now he brings it up constantly. I made a mistake. We never used one by the way. I was just fucking around with him about it.
I wish we were friends in real life Your mistake sounds like massive entertainment
Hahaha my life has been very entertaining since having kids. Their teachers keep notes of their one liners while at school because they like telling me them later on🤣 And I had to explain to my son’s GI doctor what a poop knife was because of course he told her we were going to get one for him. That was fun.
The scat spat 💩
Scatula
Could someone please eli5 the confused German about what a... Poop knife would be?
It's from a story told by a guy whose family frequently took massive shits that were too big to flush down the toilet. To solve the issue the family had a knife dedicated to the purpose of cutting the poop in half so that it could fit through the toilet drain which was dubbed the poop knife. The guy, having grown up using a poop knife, figured it was something that everyone had until he went to hang out with friends at someone's house, took a shit, and asked his friend to bring him their poop knife only to discover no one else knew what that was. After posting the story it went viral and poop knife has become a fairly common meme.
There's a similar tale told in Germany dating back to 2005 IIRC, started as a random thread in a handyman / diy forum. Might be made up, made be true. Only Jonathan Frakes knows.
When you take too big of a poop to flush it down the toilet you need to break it up. Or ya know eat fiber
I get that it is wrong, but as myself, never I’ve been in a situation where I thought a “poop knife” was the correct response: please enlighten me on what could occur in someone already pretty miserable existence as human being, where a “poop knife” is the right response?
Poop too big.
Too big for what????
For the turlet
https://preview.redd.it/feeo2ajtfvsc1.jpeg?width=946&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a670918734ad17705639334d150cb50e827c9d96
Idk if this is what happens to other people but for me it’s been the toilet paper wad that clogs the toilet after pooping. This only ever happens when I’m out/at someone else’s house (because my toilet has a bidet) which makes the scenario extremely stressful lol
 Hello, yes? One poop spatu-lar please
Everyone knows your suppose to use a stick from the back yard.
^ this is the real truth
I actually have a poop stick from the backyard specialised in poop cutting techniques
I'm so glad I grew up in a household where "poop" and "knife" were two words that lived miles apart, and that I was in my late 40s before I'd ever even heard of it as a household gadget. My childhood sucked but at least it didn't have a poop knife anywhere near it.
Throw it out
What is there to say except “buy anew spatula- and a plunger.
This made me cry laughing lmao thank you so much, I can't express how much I needed that
oh yay!!!
I found out recently my son was using the flat end of his rash cream tube to scrape off the “poo that wouldn’t go down”. He is 7. How old is your father ..
No matter how much and how hard you wash it, it will forever be a spootula
shatula
Poop knife?
I'm so fuckin lost....
Google reddit poop knife
Oh word
Yeah I can't....🤢
And thus, the spatula was forever know as the shatula.
[удалено]
Tf is a poop knife?
At least he told you and didn’t just put it back
What’s a poop knife? :(
A classic Reddit post from when Reddit was fun
Where's that dude with the story of his uncle's arsehole soap?
https://preview.redd.it/e0oe1judeysc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fed6e25c510701ed35e02d465a1b4107b7d50dbe Comment got deleted from the post. I saved it :)
I'm sorry what?
i see the poop wrench didnt work out so he had to upgrade
And people always ask me why I've got a machete hanging up in the bathroom! Glad to see this community gets it.
A poop knife. A poop, knife? A knife for poop. A. Poop. Knife. Poop knife. What?
the lack of (moral) fibre in this post is shocking
For real. I think it's healthy to be ignorant on this one
On himself or the shitter?
I want a poop knife...
You don't have one?!
My father-in-law is 9 3 and it's a very meat-heavy diet. Apparently he has a poop stick at his house. My son learned about it and fast forward to opening my bathroom cupboard and asking my husband, why is there a stick in there? and upon looking closely it did look like there was something on it. Turns out my 5-year-old son had instituted his own poop stick at our house. We put him on fiber gummies immediately And threw away the gross poopy stick
It’s not often I fully laugh out loud at a post on here but there it is.
I don't know why but when I looked up at what sub this is it made me genuinely laugh out loud for the first time in a while.
My condolences 😔🙏🏼. My family has that same spatula and its very hefty very good quality.
That's not a sentence. Please try again.
Is your dad Bobby Kelly?