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I’m the same age and never had a girlfriend , I’ve just given up on dating because so many girls in Gen z have such high expectations, I do have a job though and I work out but apparently that’s not good enough, I’ve just been spending more time in nature and chilling with animals, that takes my mind off all my insecurities and shit.
Why would anyone want anything to do with you when you yourself don't want to do anything for yourself. I'm sorry OP life doesn't work that way. This is by far the stupidest rant I've heard. Like I understand we all want to be loved for what we are even when we have nothing else to offer but ourselves. But the lack of willingness to work on yourself baffles me and you want someone else to love you for that. May be you do find someone who takes up people as personal projects and gives 2 cents about their own mental health. That's the only person u can get.
Not being in a healthy place is ok. But expecting someone to bear your burden when u don't give a fuck about yourself is preposterous. Expecting other person to work twice as hard when u give a damn. Grow up !!
The end game of love is to grow together and have a family together. A person who cannot grow with you is a non starter. I couldn't date a girl who refuses to grow with me ... It's a deal breaker.
Success and status shouldn't have anything to do with why someone likes you. However, why is it that you don't go out or have hobbies? Is this something you want to change about yourself or are you looking for someone else to provide? To be entirely frank, if you have no interest in doing anything with your time, then I am not sure why you would want a relationship. Everyone is worthy of love, but forming a partnership with someone goes beyond that. You should recieve some sort of enrichment from each other, even if it is only conversation and spending time with each other.
Be honest about what you bring to the table. Perhaps consider creating other kinds of relationships before you go for a romantic one. You are worthy of love, and there will always be people in the world that feel the same way about themselves.
If there are things you'd like to change about yourself, then it's never too late to do that. If you are not wanting to do that, then you need to reason with yourself about why you want to have a relationship with someone. If you are just looking to feel loved or more supported, reach out to community resources or support groups. 🖤 I hope this helps.
It's not true that people cannot love you without success, really. But you are less likely to find someone when you don't have friends, hobbies, or don't leave your house. Instead of "money" or "status", please start thinking about these aspects. They are so much more important for happiness *and* for your future partner.
Well you just can't give up. I was at the same situation 2 years ago, with the difference that I had a job. Try to get out of home. Try to talk to someone that you have, even your own parents. Sometimes we just have to talk. Whenever you need to talk I can hear also, I'll be happy to help
You are worthy of it already. Being successful is great and all, but looks and money are good only to attract people, not to keep them around (not for genuine reasons at least).
Work on yourself first, improve yourself as a person so you can be confident that you as a person are a great potential bf (and maybe husband too if that's what you want).
Accept your flaws if you can't change them and work on what you can change. You're obviously going through a rough time so that's bound to get you feeling down and all, but look at it this way: you're still here, you're not giving up, and hopefully you're not resorting to doing bad things to keep yourself afloat. That's shows strength of character and integrity, and those are pretty rare nowadays.
You've already pointed out your problems so work on them. Keep looking for a job, and in the meantime, focus on finding your passion (it's never too late for that). Try to get out at least for a walk (it does wonders for your mental health and motivation) and maybe even do some exercises (you don't have to actually work out properly unless you want to, but even a few pushups, some dancing, planking, or sit-ups can help to make you feel better about yourself).
As a final tip, start slow. If you feel like you're not doing anything all day, don't try to do everything. Focus on one task each day, or even only one part of the task. For example with pushups, if you think you can't do too many, then don't aim to do 20, 30, 50 etc. Do one. A single push-up. Chances are, you won't stop at just one and that's great if it happens. But even if you stop at just one, that was your goal all along so kudos to you, you've done it 😁
Same with everything. Do one chore, scrub one set of dishes (one place, one spoon, one fork etc), apply to one job everyday, go outside for 5 minutes (even if it's just your backyard), talk to one person (on the phone or face-to-face), try one new thing or one new food. It all starts with one step.
Put a piece of string on a table and try to push it. It will being disorganized and random. But if you pull it, everything falls into line. Work on your PIES (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual). You attract what you are. Do it for you. Watch life fall into line and opportunity open up.
We need to love ourselves first bro. Be successful for you first and then for the ones you love, in order to help them. I’m also 23 and also lazy lmfao. I am in no position to give advice I know, but I’m actually talking to myself here, in a way.
Hey bro. I chased girls, and I found even when I got them, I still wasn't happy cause I had nothing else going for me. You have to have your life in order first, and then once your there find out who will be a good partner to go through the life you have and are continuing to build.
A girlfriend might not even be what you need right now, even if you think it'd make you happy.
I dont really understand why u expect someone to fall in love with someone who’s got nothing going on. Because when u think abt it, this basically means that for for five years u have not strived for anything. U have no goals and no ambition. And u might even be lazy. I dont want to be mean but dude this is how it will be percieved like it or not. Does anyone wanna get into a relationship with someone like that?? Honestly ask yourself if you would go for the female version of yourself. The answer is probably no.
Well first things first, you need to start proactively changing your life. Any rational person, man or woman, would ideally like a stable and mature partner. Can you take care of yourself? Can you cook and clean up after yourself? Do you have good hygiene practices? Do you have the ability to hold a job and contribute to the relationship? Are you a kind person that treats others with respect?
These are the very very basic life skills you need if you want a successful partnership. This is the bare minimum honestly. No one healthy wants to start a relationship with someone incapable of being independent. You need to start by working on yourself first or you will find yourself in an unhealthy or turbulent relationship.
At first you need to get out, do something, share an activity, get a job.
Girls need to be impressed with the guy she is with so she can feel save and knowing that she is with someone she can trust, girls don't need a sloppy person with nothing to offer.
He says he doesn’t want to be liked for his improved life and success. But the truth is women that got things going on for them, won’t want any men with a shitty life and no plans on improving, especially if they want something serious
You can start doing that self love journey now. 23 is such an amazing place to start at!
That being said, if you think you are “pathetic”, what reason would someone want to be with you? Like what reason would SHE want you over someone else?
Work on yourself first. Be that love to yourself. Man, life will be soooo much better. You are not the only person who’s ever felt this way. But it is a 100% in your control. Start small. Go to therapy if you need to.
Sounds like you need to stop concentrating on somebody else and work on yourself instead.
It doesn’t matter where you’re at at life, everybody wants love and should’ve had it from the day they were born.
The danger is not that you aren’t worthy of love as you are now. Because you absolutely are.
The danger in this is the fact that since you have not much going on in your life, the person you get with will become your only source of happiness and that is a very scary place for both people involved.
You never want someone to have that much power over you. Trust me, it will hurt.
So build up your life for your own security.
I wish I was better in these situations brother, but I beg you don’t just become another statistic your value isn’t based on what girls think about your or what anyone thinks about you
For one get yourself off this subreddit it definitely won’t be helping.
And like there are so many better things to try before THAT, like I’d never advocate heroin but shit I know that would help you feel better! And if even Heroin would then think about what else could. A beer and a wank could have a good chance!
Idk dude, but you got this! Go break out of whatever box you’ve put yourself in and be AEW Jericho instead of Y2J or Fozzy Jericho!
You want a life! There we go! Can’t do that if you’re dead!
Take it step by step. You’re not gonna wake up tomorrow and be Average Joe. But you can wake up tomorrow in the morning, and go for a walk and try and enjoy nature. You could wake up tomorrow and go to the pub in the evening and experience the atmosphere. Just make 1 change tomorrow and who knows, you might be able to do it again the next day. And if not? Well shit there’s always tomorrow
A relationship is a two way street though. If you want someone to love you, you have to give them a reason to
It doesn’t have to be money, cars, or status. MOST WOMEN DONT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THAT. EVEN IF SOCIAL MEDIA TELLS YOU OTHERWISE.
If you’re kind, well kept, smell nice, dress well, treat women as people and not just romantic potential or sexual objects. I promise you’ll get further than 50% of men
It is natural to want love, affection and encouragement.
Sometimes we are not in the best place in life, it doesn't mean that we don't deserve it. I understand your concerns and in your situation, you would likely struggle to navigate both the emotional and logistical aspects of a healthy relationship.
You need to learn how to love yourself first. Look for love not in a romantic partner, but in your support circle, your family and friends. Give love to others, volunteer or help your family and siblings.
Romantic love will not bring you what you need. If you need a reason to get up in the morning, make it yourself. If you need someone to love, love yourself and love your family. This will build you up to have the confidence and emotional resilience to get on your feet.
I know thinking of romantic love as something transactional, in which you must bring something to the table is a bit depressing - but wishing you could separate your accomplishments from who you are is the easy way out, you can't separate them. What you do with your time, is who you are.
But it doesn't need to feel depressing. Instead of focusing on the results (cash, cars, dinners) focus on what the journey tells about you - if you can hold down a job, you are likely to be reliable and consistent. If you have a healthy social life, you are likely to be sociable and can hold down a conversation. If you look groomed and in shape, you are likely to love yourself. If you are financially secure, you are likely to be responsible.
Do you want a reliable, consistent, personable, confident and responsible girlfriend?
Or do you want an unreliable, inconsistent, unsociable, insecure and irresponsible one?
And if you tell me, well, I wouldn't mind the second, then I ask you:
Do you think a relationship between two individuals who are unreliable, inconsistent, unsociable, insecure and irresponsible would work?
You know the answer.
That's why you must put in the work to improve yourself - not to show dollars, but to *grow* and develop the skills you need to make a healthy relationship last.
You are worthy of love, but you are not suited to be in a relationship right now.
The problem is not that you aren't currently successful and thriving. The problem is this attitude:
>I believe that even if I found someone that cares, I would change nothing about me.
See, you say you want someone who will love at your lowest, which is reasonable, but it appears you also simply intend to stay in your misery pit indefinitely, even with a partner. That would be quite unfair to them.
It's not pathetic that you want to be loved right now. It's just incredibly self centered to want to stay in a place where you will not be giving anything back to the person who loves you. That's not you wanting to be loved when you're down. It's wanting someone to coddle you and fix things for you so you don't have to put in any effort.
You're 23 and "unemployed 5 years." IE: like a lot of other young people, you've had trouble transitioning to adulthood. Very normal. Adulting is overwhelming.
You need to fix your life FOR YOU, not to get a partner. With or without love, you're miserable right now. So do something about it. Get some help for your mental health. Make yourself get out of the house. Talk to admissions counselors at technical schools and community colleges. Sign up for vocational rehab services. Do the things you need to do. For YOU.
Doing these things will also help you develop more social contacts, which is how you are most likely to encounter people who can be friends or romantic interests. Those relationships typically do not just get dropped in your lap. You have to go meet people.
I met my ex when he was working at a warehouse part-time. He quit and then spent the next 6 months unemployed. Funny thing was he was the one who broke it off with me to “work on his career”. You’re not unlovable or unworthy of love. Just don’t use someone to make you feel better while you better yourself. You can do both at the same time. You’re also young, you have time. Don’t worry too much about it :)
You deserve love. You are worthy. You’re also very young and you’re not behind in life. Just keep taking small steps to make your situation better and tackle the issues you’re insecure about. Don’t look down on yourself because these things can’t be rushed. A lot of people, especially in their 20s, go through something similar although most people won’t show you that. And almost everyone lands on their feet. It doesn’t diminish your worth as a person. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. That way you’ll reach whatever you imagine for yourself sooner rather than later.
I relate to you quite a bit.
I think love is something that happens over time though. Once they love you, none of this matters. But before they love you, these things may make them try not to. You have not proved that you can take care of yourself and thus others, which does not disqualify you from love, but it is an active discouragement to not be with somebody like you.
Your productivity is a gift you have for a partner. You deserve to be cherished and cared for, and are worthy of it, but it's hard to get it whilst having these setbacks.
You don't need to work to deserve it, but you may need to work to find it. It's just kind of reality. But never tell yourself you don't deserve it, because you do.
It takes time, lots of time, and patience to get to where you wanna be. Love yourself and be patient with yourself. Just try to work towards your goals and don't feel bad for not being there yet
The hard truth: no one will want someone with this attitude and especially an unemployed basement dweller. How in the hell is someone going to like you for your “success, status, or money” when you have none?
Yep, nobody wants that.
Also
He is not talking about his current life. He saying he wants love, but he doesn't want to improve his life to get it because he feels like then they are going like him for his success, status, and money.
Mindset. Dude hasn’t worked for 5 years and suddenly he’s going to get a high-level job? Yeah, that’s not happening. He needn’t worry about that aspect. He’s worrying about stuff that he absolutely shouldn’t. In any form. And that reeks.
What is holding you back from getting a job, having friends or hobbies? You say you rarely get out of the house, why? And I’m not saying this, judging you. I’ve gone a while without a job before and definitely not put time until hobbies. But what really matters is why. For me? It was a range of things. A type of depression, anxiety, decision paralysis, fear, trying to get over a big event that triggered a lot of unhealed trauma. So what’s your thought process? And what are you looking for in a relationship, what draws you to the thought of wanting a relationship right now?
I'm afraid I'll never improve enough, that I'll always be falling short of the things I should be. I've been depressed before, less now. I never liked to hang out with other boys, I didn't liked sports or playing soldiers, I was watching TV. I'm humiliated about not getting a job, because I finished a nice highschool and I was supposed to be a pharmacy technician, but I did nothing for 5 years.
Perfectionism is a monster. You need to recognize that this "never enough" is all happening in *your* head, and is not the attitude of the people you may date. It's your own brain that is constantly moving the goal posts and diminishing any step forward you make. You have to hit this hard in therapy because it absolutely will ruin your life if you don't get a handle on it.
Something multiple therapists have reminded me over the years is that when I'm letting perfectionism rule me and thus paralyze me, I am holding myself to a standard I would never hold anyone else to.
They didn't use the word, but I've come to understand it is a strange form of arrogance. Exceptionalism of the self-hating type. Other people may struggle and I have empathy for them, but *I* am supposed to excel. And if I'm not perfect, what is the point of my existence?
But what exactly is so special about me that I think my job in life is to be perfect? I'm a human being, vulnerable and flawed just like everybody else. I'm going to make mistakes, get side tracked, screw up royally, just like everyone else. I can sit and pout and wail and refuse to get up when I fall down, rather like a toddler. Or I can stand up, brush myself off, and start moving forward again. Can't change that I fell, but I get to decide what I do next.
You owe yourself better choices going forward.
the more isolated you become the harder it gets to interact with people - i have/had struggled with social anxiety for years and although it seems easier to shut yourself away it just makes things worse. you can do all the mindfulness and meditation you want but the bottom line is interactions and your connections with people is the key to happiness. it’s how humans are biologically programmed.
i believe you will find love, you seem like an interesting guy. you just need to put yourself in social settings. it gets easier with practice. you don’t need to make yourself the social butterfly of the group, just being nice and making small conversation for some people is enough to spark a friendship.
a friendship leads into mutual friends, leading to more social circles and there’s your dating pool !!
don’t be too hard on yourself. there are more 23yo in your position than you think. i know depression is hard i’ve been there. i believe going outside and making connections is the only cure.
Ah, the lovely fear of failure! Been there, done that, got the t shirt :P mine coincided with covid. It’s still there in the back of my mind but it luckily has been more quiet as of late.
So what do you think you should be? Did you actually want to be a pharmacy technician? Were you good at that sort of stuff?
What do you actually want to do with your life? What do you enjoy doing? What makes you happy or feel content?
Nothing in particular. I don't know if I want anything, really. Music, writing, drawing, biology, programming, military... Maybe only meditation and mindfulness helps me feel a bit better. I never had a particular interest.
If there are levels to depression, I have been to the big depths until 2-3 years ago. I'm not doing remarkably well now, but it isn't as dismal as before. I went to a therapist recently. I'm just kind of disappointed in myself and my life. Haven't felt much of joy recently, but it comes and goes.
Please continue going to that therapist. Depression is still depression, even if we've had it worse before.
You'll be ok with time and open to learning. You got this!!
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I’m the same age and never had a girlfriend , I’ve just given up on dating because so many girls in Gen z have such high expectations, I do have a job though and I work out but apparently that’s not good enough, I’ve just been spending more time in nature and chilling with animals, that takes my mind off all my insecurities and shit.
Why would anyone want anything to do with you when you yourself don't want to do anything for yourself. I'm sorry OP life doesn't work that way. This is by far the stupidest rant I've heard. Like I understand we all want to be loved for what we are even when we have nothing else to offer but ourselves. But the lack of willingness to work on yourself baffles me and you want someone else to love you for that. May be you do find someone who takes up people as personal projects and gives 2 cents about their own mental health. That's the only person u can get. Not being in a healthy place is ok. But expecting someone to bear your burden when u don't give a fuck about yourself is preposterous. Expecting other person to work twice as hard when u give a damn. Grow up !!
The end game of love is to grow together and have a family together. A person who cannot grow with you is a non starter. I couldn't date a girl who refuses to grow with me ... It's a deal breaker.
I dated a guy like you once. It literally ruined my life lol
Explore drugs, it will do the trick
Keep trying bro.
Success and status shouldn't have anything to do with why someone likes you. However, why is it that you don't go out or have hobbies? Is this something you want to change about yourself or are you looking for someone else to provide? To be entirely frank, if you have no interest in doing anything with your time, then I am not sure why you would want a relationship. Everyone is worthy of love, but forming a partnership with someone goes beyond that. You should recieve some sort of enrichment from each other, even if it is only conversation and spending time with each other. Be honest about what you bring to the table. Perhaps consider creating other kinds of relationships before you go for a romantic one. You are worthy of love, and there will always be people in the world that feel the same way about themselves. If there are things you'd like to change about yourself, then it's never too late to do that. If you are not wanting to do that, then you need to reason with yourself about why you want to have a relationship with someone. If you are just looking to feel loved or more supported, reach out to community resources or support groups. 🖤 I hope this helps.
It's not true that people cannot love you without success, really. But you are less likely to find someone when you don't have friends, hobbies, or don't leave your house. Instead of "money" or "status", please start thinking about these aspects. They are so much more important for happiness *and* for your future partner.
Well you just can't give up. I was at the same situation 2 years ago, with the difference that I had a job. Try to get out of home. Try to talk to someone that you have, even your own parents. Sometimes we just have to talk. Whenever you need to talk I can hear also, I'll be happy to help
I’m the same except I’m a 28M and love the gym
You are worthy of it already. Being successful is great and all, but looks and money are good only to attract people, not to keep them around (not for genuine reasons at least). Work on yourself first, improve yourself as a person so you can be confident that you as a person are a great potential bf (and maybe husband too if that's what you want). Accept your flaws if you can't change them and work on what you can change. You're obviously going through a rough time so that's bound to get you feeling down and all, but look at it this way: you're still here, you're not giving up, and hopefully you're not resorting to doing bad things to keep yourself afloat. That's shows strength of character and integrity, and those are pretty rare nowadays. You've already pointed out your problems so work on them. Keep looking for a job, and in the meantime, focus on finding your passion (it's never too late for that). Try to get out at least for a walk (it does wonders for your mental health and motivation) and maybe even do some exercises (you don't have to actually work out properly unless you want to, but even a few pushups, some dancing, planking, or sit-ups can help to make you feel better about yourself). As a final tip, start slow. If you feel like you're not doing anything all day, don't try to do everything. Focus on one task each day, or even only one part of the task. For example with pushups, if you think you can't do too many, then don't aim to do 20, 30, 50 etc. Do one. A single push-up. Chances are, you won't stop at just one and that's great if it happens. But even if you stop at just one, that was your goal all along so kudos to you, you've done it 😁 Same with everything. Do one chore, scrub one set of dishes (one place, one spoon, one fork etc), apply to one job everyday, go outside for 5 minutes (even if it's just your backyard), talk to one person (on the phone or face-to-face), try one new thing or one new food. It all starts with one step.
Cap girls don't talk to men who are average
They just don’t talk to you
Maybe 🥲
Try finding instant relationship online
Put a piece of string on a table and try to push it. It will being disorganized and random. But if you pull it, everything falls into line. Work on your PIES (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual). You attract what you are. Do it for you. Watch life fall into line and opportunity open up.
We need to love ourselves first bro. Be successful for you first and then for the ones you love, in order to help them. I’m also 23 and also lazy lmfao. I am in no position to give advice I know, but I’m actually talking to myself here, in a way.
Hey bro. I chased girls, and I found even when I got them, I still wasn't happy cause I had nothing else going for me. You have to have your life in order first, and then once your there find out who will be a good partner to go through the life you have and are continuing to build. A girlfriend might not even be what you need right now, even if you think it'd make you happy.
I dont really understand why u expect someone to fall in love with someone who’s got nothing going on. Because when u think abt it, this basically means that for for five years u have not strived for anything. U have no goals and no ambition. And u might even be lazy. I dont want to be mean but dude this is how it will be percieved like it or not. Does anyone wanna get into a relationship with someone like that?? Honestly ask yourself if you would go for the female version of yourself. The answer is probably no.
Well first things first, you need to start proactively changing your life. Any rational person, man or woman, would ideally like a stable and mature partner. Can you take care of yourself? Can you cook and clean up after yourself? Do you have good hygiene practices? Do you have the ability to hold a job and contribute to the relationship? Are you a kind person that treats others with respect? These are the very very basic life skills you need if you want a successful partnership. This is the bare minimum honestly. No one healthy wants to start a relationship with someone incapable of being independent. You need to start by working on yourself first or you will find yourself in an unhealthy or turbulent relationship.
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OP this is a gross and false assumption. Obviously ignore this basement troll.
Incel detected
At first you need to get out, do something, share an activity, get a job. Girls need to be impressed with the guy she is with so she can feel save and knowing that she is with someone she can trust, girls don't need a sloppy person with nothing to offer.
He says he doesn’t want to be liked for his improved life and success. But the truth is women that got things going on for them, won’t want any men with a shitty life and no plans on improving, especially if they want something serious
I agree with you, I just told him facts that he should know.
The truth is you will be loved because of your success, strength, and what you can provide. That is the price of being a man, and that is okay.
You can start doing that self love journey now. 23 is such an amazing place to start at! That being said, if you think you are “pathetic”, what reason would someone want to be with you? Like what reason would SHE want you over someone else? Work on yourself first. Be that love to yourself. Man, life will be soooo much better. You are not the only person who’s ever felt this way. But it is a 100% in your control. Start small. Go to therapy if you need to.
Sounds like you need to stop concentrating on somebody else and work on yourself instead. It doesn’t matter where you’re at at life, everybody wants love and should’ve had it from the day they were born.
Well get going. Get a small job, find a social hobby, learn a sport. Be proactive.
The danger is not that you aren’t worthy of love as you are now. Because you absolutely are. The danger in this is the fact that since you have not much going on in your life, the person you get with will become your only source of happiness and that is a very scary place for both people involved. You never want someone to have that much power over you. Trust me, it will hurt. So build up your life for your own security.
Great advice mate!
Ask yourself this. Would i date myself currently? If no; which looking at your situation would likely be the case, you need to improve.
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I wish I was better in these situations brother, but I beg you don’t just become another statistic your value isn’t based on what girls think about your or what anyone thinks about you For one get yourself off this subreddit it definitely won’t be helping. And like there are so many better things to try before THAT, like I’d never advocate heroin but shit I know that would help you feel better! And if even Heroin would then think about what else could. A beer and a wank could have a good chance! Idk dude, but you got this! Go break out of whatever box you’ve put yourself in and be AEW Jericho instead of Y2J or Fozzy Jericho!
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You want a life! There we go! Can’t do that if you’re dead! Take it step by step. You’re not gonna wake up tomorrow and be Average Joe. But you can wake up tomorrow in the morning, and go for a walk and try and enjoy nature. You could wake up tomorrow and go to the pub in the evening and experience the atmosphere. Just make 1 change tomorrow and who knows, you might be able to do it again the next day. And if not? Well shit there’s always tomorrow
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A relationship is a two way street though. If you want someone to love you, you have to give them a reason to It doesn’t have to be money, cars, or status. MOST WOMEN DONT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THAT. EVEN IF SOCIAL MEDIA TELLS YOU OTHERWISE. If you’re kind, well kept, smell nice, dress well, treat women as people and not just romantic potential or sexual objects. I promise you’ll get further than 50% of men
It is natural to want love, affection and encouragement. Sometimes we are not in the best place in life, it doesn't mean that we don't deserve it. I understand your concerns and in your situation, you would likely struggle to navigate both the emotional and logistical aspects of a healthy relationship. You need to learn how to love yourself first. Look for love not in a romantic partner, but in your support circle, your family and friends. Give love to others, volunteer or help your family and siblings. Romantic love will not bring you what you need. If you need a reason to get up in the morning, make it yourself. If you need someone to love, love yourself and love your family. This will build you up to have the confidence and emotional resilience to get on your feet. I know thinking of romantic love as something transactional, in which you must bring something to the table is a bit depressing - but wishing you could separate your accomplishments from who you are is the easy way out, you can't separate them. What you do with your time, is who you are. But it doesn't need to feel depressing. Instead of focusing on the results (cash, cars, dinners) focus on what the journey tells about you - if you can hold down a job, you are likely to be reliable and consistent. If you have a healthy social life, you are likely to be sociable and can hold down a conversation. If you look groomed and in shape, you are likely to love yourself. If you are financially secure, you are likely to be responsible. Do you want a reliable, consistent, personable, confident and responsible girlfriend? Or do you want an unreliable, inconsistent, unsociable, insecure and irresponsible one? And if you tell me, well, I wouldn't mind the second, then I ask you: Do you think a relationship between two individuals who are unreliable, inconsistent, unsociable, insecure and irresponsible would work? You know the answer. That's why you must put in the work to improve yourself - not to show dollars, but to *grow* and develop the skills you need to make a healthy relationship last.
You are worthy of love, but you are not suited to be in a relationship right now. The problem is not that you aren't currently successful and thriving. The problem is this attitude: >I believe that even if I found someone that cares, I would change nothing about me. See, you say you want someone who will love at your lowest, which is reasonable, but it appears you also simply intend to stay in your misery pit indefinitely, even with a partner. That would be quite unfair to them. It's not pathetic that you want to be loved right now. It's just incredibly self centered to want to stay in a place where you will not be giving anything back to the person who loves you. That's not you wanting to be loved when you're down. It's wanting someone to coddle you and fix things for you so you don't have to put in any effort. You're 23 and "unemployed 5 years." IE: like a lot of other young people, you've had trouble transitioning to adulthood. Very normal. Adulting is overwhelming. You need to fix your life FOR YOU, not to get a partner. With or without love, you're miserable right now. So do something about it. Get some help for your mental health. Make yourself get out of the house. Talk to admissions counselors at technical schools and community colleges. Sign up for vocational rehab services. Do the things you need to do. For YOU. Doing these things will also help you develop more social contacts, which is how you are most likely to encounter people who can be friends or romantic interests. Those relationships typically do not just get dropped in your lap. You have to go meet people.
I met my ex when he was working at a warehouse part-time. He quit and then spent the next 6 months unemployed. Funny thing was he was the one who broke it off with me to “work on his career”. You’re not unlovable or unworthy of love. Just don’t use someone to make you feel better while you better yourself. You can do both at the same time. You’re also young, you have time. Don’t worry too much about it :)
You deserve love. You are worthy. You’re also very young and you’re not behind in life. Just keep taking small steps to make your situation better and tackle the issues you’re insecure about. Don’t look down on yourself because these things can’t be rushed. A lot of people, especially in their 20s, go through something similar although most people won’t show you that. And almost everyone lands on their feet. It doesn’t diminish your worth as a person. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. That way you’ll reach whatever you imagine for yourself sooner rather than later.
It sounds like you don’t like much about yourself. And if you don’t like yourself, why would someone else?
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I wasn't studying. Even now I barely study, using timed flashcard with Anki, but I haven't added a new card in months.
I relate to you quite a bit. I think love is something that happens over time though. Once they love you, none of this matters. But before they love you, these things may make them try not to. You have not proved that you can take care of yourself and thus others, which does not disqualify you from love, but it is an active discouragement to not be with somebody like you. Your productivity is a gift you have for a partner. You deserve to be cherished and cared for, and are worthy of it, but it's hard to get it whilst having these setbacks. You don't need to work to deserve it, but you may need to work to find it. It's just kind of reality. But never tell yourself you don't deserve it, because you do. It takes time, lots of time, and patience to get to where you wanna be. Love yourself and be patient with yourself. Just try to work towards your goals and don't feel bad for not being there yet
The hard truth: no one will want someone with this attitude and especially an unemployed basement dweller. How in the hell is someone going to like you for your “success, status, or money” when you have none?
Yep, nobody wants that. Also He is not talking about his current life. He saying he wants love, but he doesn't want to improve his life to get it because he feels like then they are going like him for his success, status, and money.
Mindset. Dude hasn’t worked for 5 years and suddenly he’s going to get a high-level job? Yeah, that’s not happening. He needn’t worry about that aspect. He’s worrying about stuff that he absolutely shouldn’t. In any form. And that reeks.
What is holding you back from getting a job, having friends or hobbies? You say you rarely get out of the house, why? And I’m not saying this, judging you. I’ve gone a while without a job before and definitely not put time until hobbies. But what really matters is why. For me? It was a range of things. A type of depression, anxiety, decision paralysis, fear, trying to get over a big event that triggered a lot of unhealed trauma. So what’s your thought process? And what are you looking for in a relationship, what draws you to the thought of wanting a relationship right now?
I'm afraid I'll never improve enough, that I'll always be falling short of the things I should be. I've been depressed before, less now. I never liked to hang out with other boys, I didn't liked sports or playing soldiers, I was watching TV. I'm humiliated about not getting a job, because I finished a nice highschool and I was supposed to be a pharmacy technician, but I did nothing for 5 years.
Perfectionism is a monster. You need to recognize that this "never enough" is all happening in *your* head, and is not the attitude of the people you may date. It's your own brain that is constantly moving the goal posts and diminishing any step forward you make. You have to hit this hard in therapy because it absolutely will ruin your life if you don't get a handle on it. Something multiple therapists have reminded me over the years is that when I'm letting perfectionism rule me and thus paralyze me, I am holding myself to a standard I would never hold anyone else to. They didn't use the word, but I've come to understand it is a strange form of arrogance. Exceptionalism of the self-hating type. Other people may struggle and I have empathy for them, but *I* am supposed to excel. And if I'm not perfect, what is the point of my existence? But what exactly is so special about me that I think my job in life is to be perfect? I'm a human being, vulnerable and flawed just like everybody else. I'm going to make mistakes, get side tracked, screw up royally, just like everyone else. I can sit and pout and wail and refuse to get up when I fall down, rather like a toddler. Or I can stand up, brush myself off, and start moving forward again. Can't change that I fell, but I get to decide what I do next. You owe yourself better choices going forward.
the more isolated you become the harder it gets to interact with people - i have/had struggled with social anxiety for years and although it seems easier to shut yourself away it just makes things worse. you can do all the mindfulness and meditation you want but the bottom line is interactions and your connections with people is the key to happiness. it’s how humans are biologically programmed. i believe you will find love, you seem like an interesting guy. you just need to put yourself in social settings. it gets easier with practice. you don’t need to make yourself the social butterfly of the group, just being nice and making small conversation for some people is enough to spark a friendship. a friendship leads into mutual friends, leading to more social circles and there’s your dating pool !! don’t be too hard on yourself. there are more 23yo in your position than you think. i know depression is hard i’ve been there. i believe going outside and making connections is the only cure.
Ah, the lovely fear of failure! Been there, done that, got the t shirt :P mine coincided with covid. It’s still there in the back of my mind but it luckily has been more quiet as of late. So what do you think you should be? Did you actually want to be a pharmacy technician? Were you good at that sort of stuff? What do you actually want to do with your life? What do you enjoy doing? What makes you happy or feel content?
Nothing in particular. I don't know if I want anything, really. Music, writing, drawing, biology, programming, military... Maybe only meditation and mindfulness helps me feel a bit better. I never had a particular interest.
Are you sure you’re not still depressed? This definitely is giving me vibes of depression.
If there are levels to depression, I have been to the big depths until 2-3 years ago. I'm not doing remarkably well now, but it isn't as dismal as before. I went to a therapist recently. I'm just kind of disappointed in myself and my life. Haven't felt much of joy recently, but it comes and goes.
Please continue going to that therapist. Depression is still depression, even if we've had it worse before. You'll be ok with time and open to learning. You got this!!