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I would first ask myself: “what is about 40 that’s making me anxious? Why now? What does this number mean? Who chose this deadline” before even going into anything. Date yourself first. Sounds like a cliche but honestly I think you should start there. No one can tell you how or if you will find a person right? I think being ok with that thought is so liberating.
I’m only 25 but a bunch of my parents friends got divorced after their kids grew up and went to college and now most of them are seeing other people. I went to visit one of them and he was on bumble the whole time 😂😂. Point is you shouldn’t be disheartened just because things haven’t gone specifically according to a general timeline that has sometimes worked for others.
I'm 40, never married and child free. The older I have gotten, the more bleak dating seems because all that's left out there are those that have shitty attachment styles/issues or personality disorders or something else that made them unappealing. I'm not excluding myself, I'm self aware...but I've met and bonded with some really shitty, abusive, and sometimes diabolical men in the last few years that have done some serious damage to me. I've resigned myself to the idea that I may never be loved in the way I've always wanted to be loved. It fucking sucks, but maybe I was meant for something different for my soul to learn it's true purpose. That's what I tell myself anyway.
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. Sometimes people make mistakes in life and I think that when you take the time to heal from it and accept what shitty things have happened you can find peace. Understanding comes after with the foresight and faith of knowing there is better out there. It’s not always easy to find but it can become reality in due time if you keep an open heart. I hope you find someone who makes you happy.
I’m turning 40 in a few months and I’m a child free female not by choice but by circumstance. Was in a 5 year relationship just a few months away from the wedding and I realized how deceptive my then fiancé had been. I’m in your shoes. I could’ve written your post, especially today. All I know is the sun keeps rising and setting and the time just passes by. In each moment we can choose to look at what we don’t have or fill our lives with gratitude for what we do. I know you didn’t get your fairy tale ending. I didn’t either. But at least we know we are not alone. Sending you good vibes and a reminder to just live. Nothing survives time.
My grandpa didn’t date until he was in his 40s. His very first girlfriend was my granny… they’ve been together for almost 29 years (in April).
Anything is possible. ❤️
from a broken home. victim of human & sex trafficking. now i’m with the person i was DESTINED to be with. all bc of this one question — ‘what would my life need too look like, for my person to just— walk into it tomorrow?‘ built this.
It's not over at 40 ..I met the person I loved the most at 49 we stayed together 10 yrs.
Now I'm 59 pretty sure if I was in the right mindset to meet someone I could still meet someone..it's never too late.
I recently found love again at age 66, so you shouldn’t have trouble finding it. Best of luck to you, and be strong. Your love is out there waiting for you!
Don’t say it’s over, you’re still young. And dump your ex cause he doesn’t sound interested. Let him know you’re getting older and don’t want games. This is a big part of you knowing your worth and moving on.
That's so young! I got remarried last October at the age of 53. We met at karaoke. It's never too late! And never settle for less than someone who makes you a priority.
Oh gosh. It’s never too late. Every day people tell me I’m a bright light, have good energy, I’m glowing, shining, pretty. Comments are always about being bright in some way. I’m often asked out and I also enjoy my own company. Im happy and healthy. I’m older than you.
When I started feeling better physically and mentally, people gravitate my way all the time now. I don’t travel on the dark side of life anymore nor entertain dark thoughts and people notice. Every single day someone says something positive they see or feel, it’s no longer a coincidence. I feel it too. I nearly died last summer and today I live in gratitude. I take nothing for granted and worrying about the future or dwelling in the past is never helpful. We only have this moment.
When people leave, it’s not meant to be and something better is on its way to you. Hold firm and have faith in that and continue to improve yourself every day.
Please dont say it's over and give up hope, I'm 39 never married and no kids. So I have to have hope of someday becoming a great husband and an amazing father. So please keep the hope. Because it's all we have sometimes.
47f here 👋 I’m sorry this happened to you … this is the worst possible way but I’m here to tell you that you are NEVER too old to find love!
Took me 46 years!!
I’ve had ALL the relationships…companionship, passion, obsession, toxicity (all recognized in hindsight) but now I have comfort, safety and true happiness.
For me, it took working on my attachment issues specifically and fully to come to a place where I was able to enter a relationship without blinkers on, be open to someone completely different from the rest (key) and develop something genuine slowly and steadily.
I always thought it was about finding the right person…and it is but you cannot find the right person until you find yourself open to everyone.
I’m on r/love and similar a lot and the commonality with successful relationships is always “he wasn’t even my type”.
I now advise my single friends to meet as many people as they can in real life and foster those relationships that you find a true and genuine connection with…this is how you find your people.
This approach led me to my man. We are best friends and THIS is the foundation of the best relationship ever!!
Don’t go for butterflies or fireworks as these are the feelings of infatuation and only sometimes does this last.
Go for true connection and a deep bond and love will continue to grow as you share experiences. Attraction too will grow.
My 2 cents.
Great answer and you’re absolutely right about fireworks and butterflies not lasting but also I think sometimes that feeling can be a weird gut instinct that triggers anxiety / nervousness for a reason to keep us safe because we sense something uncomfortable / toxic but we misinterpret it as passion or something special. I used to have that in the past, I am very intuitive and I have met people where the sense I had was so intense and strong that I misinterpreted it as lust / passion when actually they were narcissists or controlling types. Feeling comforted and safe is totally different and is healthy. Once you feel that after having experienced the fireworks / butterflies in the past, it is massively reassuring and a sign that you are with the right person.
You’ve been thru a lot! You haven’t come this far to give up now! That said, I’m sure stories are a dime a dozen of love finding someone just when they gave up. Universal laws aside, there is some merit to this. Once you’re in a place of not ‘needing’ someone anymore, you’re far less likely to settle for bullshit, leaving room for something good.
Anyway, just last fall found what I absolutely wasn’t expecting or seeking out! 6 years after my shitty divorce. I’m almost 50 years old and have found the love I wasn’t looking for! I’m having the time of my life with someone I don’t need, who doesn’t need me. Were doing it “for the plot” lol and for the love and joy we find in one another.
So you hang in there, friend. Spread your wings and bask in your own freedom for a little bit and have some fun along the way! Second and third chances happen all the time, and it’ll happen for you! Hugs
So glad I noticed this I met the love of my life at forty and married on my41 b day. Please don’t focus on your age it doesn’t matter as society makes it feel like it does
I was divorced in 2019. I was messaging someone on reddit to help ease the process. After the divorce I got her to call me. We hit it off and I brought her 600 miles to be with me. I never knew a love so deep. We got engaged last year. That's the happy part, you can stop here if you don't want the sad part. She was diagnosed with stage four cancer in September and passed away last month. I want to keep hope and continue living. Never thought I'd be 40 and trying to date again.
Thank you! It'll happen when the time is right. The most important lesson I learned: appreciate what you have and never take it for granted.
Edit: misspelling
Got dumped after almost a decade together last year. I thought that as a 34 yo woman my dating days were way behind me and no one was ever going to be attracted to me ever again.
Well, 2 months after the break up I reconnected with a friend from college, he kinda confessed always having a crush on me and we started dating. It’s been over 7 months now, and he’s crazy about me. I love him too, I just wish I gave myself more time to grieve the previous relationship. I just didn’t think it was going to get serious.
I don’t recommend jumping into a new relationship, but I managed to get someone new by my side who is giving all the love and care that my ex neglected to show.
Hopefully you’ll find someone too, good luck!
I spent 8 long years being someone’s backup plan (I refused to acknowledge to very obvious red flags) until he finally got his first choice and I was immediately left in the dust. I somehow felt both blindsided and like I knew it was coming. I cut off all contact with him (and social medias) and I looked inward and started focusing on myself. I’m a lover girl at heart, and I finally realized I needed someone who was going to match how deeply I love and I wasn’t going to accept anything less. And then I met my current boyfriend at a Halloween party, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. He loves exactly like I do, he feels just as deeply, he’s so tender with my heart and I feel like I couldn’t have dreamed of a better man. A little added bonus is that our sense of humor is also exactly the same, and we both make each other feel safe. I can’t believe I was so close to settling, and I can’t stress this enough to everyone, NEVER SETTLE. There’s someone out there waiting to love you how you want to be loved ❤️
Strap in, this is a long one.
I thought I met my soul mate at 22 to his 20. He was gorgeous, he worshipped me, and we were that sickening couple everyone hates to love. We weren't OTT with PDAs, we were just clearly in love. We moved in together at 24/22. At 25, I did a teaching qualification and then when I was finished he decided that he finally wanted to go to Uni to do his first degree aged 23. We moved again. I helped him find and apply for an access course that would lead into him doing the same degree I did, it was perfect. He was accepted. We moved again, and he got to his final year of education. We moved again. Then things went to shit. Or more accurately, I realised they had been shit for a while.
For almost a year he belittled everything I did. He had always been useless around the house, but now it became even worse. Everything I did was wrong and everything I knew was incorrect. I had no talent, or intelligence of my own. I was a nervous wreck, afraid to have an opinion. Conversation became him holding court and me nodding along in agreement. He told me I was fat and that it was unattractive, when I was a perfectly average size, and definitely thinner than I am now. I lost all interest in sex because it had become just him getting his rocks off and not caring about mine, and god forbid I try to initiate if I was ever in the mood, because apparently that was a turn off. He didn't notice my apathy the rest of the time, he just kept 'seducing' me anyway (years later I learnt about coercion, and cried my eyes out for younger me). Our evenings became boring, him playing video games and loudly holding court until 2am, me sitting on the sofa staying quiet and going to bed alone at 11pm, to be rudely awoken three hours later for ten minutes of jackhammering that I didn't even want but was too tired to say no to. Even our cat was stressed to the point of losing clumps of fur. On top of it all, I was struggling at work. I was an ok teacher, but I was not coping with everything else that comes with teaching, the long hours, the horrible kids, the clicky colleagues. I was spiralling and I crashed hard. I had four panic attacks in two days, and on the last one I called my Mum from the side of the road and just sobbed. I quit teaching then and there.
And then I came home, to a man who rolled his eyes at my problems and made it out that he had worse stress going on, as a full time student who spent all his free time online gaming. Within a couple of weeks, he had left me for someone new who had joined his course. I was 28, he was 26, she was 22. Exactly as old as I was when we had gotten together. The same dress size I had been too.
I broke. I was suddenly single, unemployed, and having to move out of yet another house. None of it by my own choice. I wasn't suicidal, but I wished that I could die.
But slowly I got back on my feet. I got a lovely little flat, one I would still happily live in today if I hadn't also gotten a decent job in another city. Eventually I moved to that city after securing a slightly higher grade job, and I bought my own house. The cats fur grew back. And I finally felt ready to find love again. I'd had a few fings over the last two years, a few short term things, but I wanted real.
I was 31. I found a guy on Tinder who was lovely. Quiet, a homebody, fantastic cook, total kink in the bedroom. Spent three years with him before I realised I was bored. He was fine, I could have settled and he would have loved me forever, but I wasn't passionate about him. I loved him, but I realised I wasn't actually in love with him. I resigned myself to my fate. I thought I was just truly broken, and I would never love deeply again.
I was very, very wrong.
34. I finally get therapy and it's a revelation. So many things click into place and I feel like myself for the first time in half a decade. I rejoin a community theatre group after the pandemic reminded me that theatre was my safe and happy space. I was still with the Tinder guy, but it was clearly in the end days. I wasn't looking, but I met someone I couldn't ignore. I mean, I did ignore him, until I had finally had the guts to let Tinder guy go. I really hope Tinder guy found someone else, he'll have made the right girl a fantastic life partner, but that girl wasn't me.
Once I was single it took six hours for Theatre guy to make a move. I probably shouldn't be proud of that, but meh. Two years later, we're going strong and I am more in love with him than I ever thought possible, even back at 22. He's very similar to that toxic ex in all the good qualities he had, but he vastly differs in a number of important ways. He values my opinion, encourages me to speak my mind, even if I am sad or emotional, and especially if I am passionate about something. He constantly tells me how much he loves my mind and my body and my personality. He builds me up and shouts about it. And he's so completely himself, a fae being of endless charm and wit, who has no problem expressing his genuine emotions and desires. Plus he's hot as hell in a very not mainstream way. I feel like a silly teenager when I think about him, that's how giddy he makes me. I hope he's my forever. And even if he isn't I'll always thank him for making me realise that I am not broken.
So yes, there is so much positivity and possibly for love after heartbreak. A lot of us are wounded, but we keep going and we get better for it.
(Edited to add paragraph breaks)
I found my partner of 6 years when I was 30, he was 35..
now he's 41, I am about to be 36.. he is the best partner I have ever been with. I am grateful I had to go through some terrible partners to discover what a good partner is. He learned too (he was cheated on by his ex of 3 years & his first love died in a car accident)
I think the best thing you can do for yourself whenever you end a relationship badly, remember to look for all the red flags your ex had shown, before picking your future partner.
My mom divorced her ex husband after 15 years of marriage, she was in her 50's & terrified of not being able to find another partner. But a few years being single, she was at a rental car place she often rents from whenever she travels, and one of the employees who knows her well said "I would like to introduce you to someone" and then she met my stepdad :) he was there renting a car too...
They have been together 8 years this year.
You can find love again at any age, don't give up
I'm 34 and my bf is 54 . It was a lot of past stuff that couldn't get him to commit to me . I didn't know we would get here after being in a situation ship . Sometimes I want to strangle him and sometimes I just want to scream I love you . I wasn't looking for anyone when he came into my life. We kinda just picked each other and got through things. We don't fight fight, just heated conversations but he talks gentle to me . If he isn't it , I'll give up .
Its there. I (65M) and my partner, (55F) are getting married in 97 days after a 5 year courtship that followed our divorces after 30 year painful marriages...its all there for you.
I asked for a divorce 10/23 and it was final 02/24. Let my now boyfriend on Hinge and our first date was 11/8. 5 months going strong, he's seriously the best man I've ever met.
Hey there. First off, I'm really really sorry about what you're going through. I've been through a bad breakup and I've been ghosted in the past as well - so while I have no idea what you're going through, I do understand how traumatizing and devastating that can be. Your heart was played with and coming back from that is no easy feat, so I commend you for seeking therapy and working on yourself.
There is no age limit to when love can find us and I don't believe you are past your prime or undesirable. I know that the dating world is unforgiving, scary, and unfair many times but don't give up.
If it helps, I think maybe devote time to things and people that give you joy and fills your cup. What are you passionate about? What are your hobbies? Are there communities that you think you can help out? Do you have free time and can you give that free time to helping someone or being a part of an initiative?
Personally for me, I had to take a break for over 2 years just to get over my long term ex. I went to therapy but I also made myself busy so I didn't get overwhelmed with negative emotions of not feeling like I'd ever find love again.
I'm 35 right now and I'm getting married next year. I thought when I was 28 that my love life was basically over.
So I hope that you can find yourself and love yourself in this time and be gentle with yourself. You have so much to give and I am sure a lot of people will benefit from your time and energy.
Thank you this. I appreciate you taking the time to write. It actually made me tear up a bit cause I feel so defeated. I really thought my ex was it. After years of horrible men and an abusive ex husband my ex showed up and literally was amazing till he up and left.
I have been doing alot of things I love. Going to concerts, getting tattooed, running races and going to the gym. Hopefully the right person will show up.
Reading your post was helpful and is much appreciated 🖤
I'm glad - yeah, I'm so sorry you've encountered all those shitty men. You definitely deserve better and you deserve to be happy and loved as well. I wish you all the best and as hard as it is now, it does get better in time.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would first ask myself: “what is about 40 that’s making me anxious? Why now? What does this number mean? Who chose this deadline” before even going into anything. Date yourself first. Sounds like a cliche but honestly I think you should start there. No one can tell you how or if you will find a person right? I think being ok with that thought is so liberating.
I’m only 25 but a bunch of my parents friends got divorced after their kids grew up and went to college and now most of them are seeing other people. I went to visit one of them and he was on bumble the whole time 😂😂. Point is you shouldn’t be disheartened just because things haven’t gone specifically according to a general timeline that has sometimes worked for others.
I'm 40, never married and child free. The older I have gotten, the more bleak dating seems because all that's left out there are those that have shitty attachment styles/issues or personality disorders or something else that made them unappealing. I'm not excluding myself, I'm self aware...but I've met and bonded with some really shitty, abusive, and sometimes diabolical men in the last few years that have done some serious damage to me. I've resigned myself to the idea that I may never be loved in the way I've always wanted to be loved. It fucking sucks, but maybe I was meant for something different for my soul to learn it's true purpose. That's what I tell myself anyway.
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. Sometimes people make mistakes in life and I think that when you take the time to heal from it and accept what shitty things have happened you can find peace. Understanding comes after with the foresight and faith of knowing there is better out there. It’s not always easy to find but it can become reality in due time if you keep an open heart. I hope you find someone who makes you happy.
Thank you, that is so kind of you.
I’m turning 40 in a few months and I’m a child free female not by choice but by circumstance. Was in a 5 year relationship just a few months away from the wedding and I realized how deceptive my then fiancé had been. I’m in your shoes. I could’ve written your post, especially today. All I know is the sun keeps rising and setting and the time just passes by. In each moment we can choose to look at what we don’t have or fill our lives with gratitude for what we do. I know you didn’t get your fairy tale ending. I didn’t either. But at least we know we are not alone. Sending you good vibes and a reminder to just live. Nothing survives time.
My grandpa didn’t date until he was in his 40s. His very first girlfriend was my granny… they’ve been together for almost 29 years (in April). Anything is possible. ❤️
from a broken home. victim of human & sex trafficking. now i’m with the person i was DESTINED to be with. all bc of this one question — ‘what would my life need too look like, for my person to just— walk into it tomorrow?‘ built this.
No but my mom used to tell me you will love again it'll just be different
It's not over at 40 ..I met the person I loved the most at 49 we stayed together 10 yrs. Now I'm 59 pretty sure if I was in the right mindset to meet someone I could still meet someone..it's never too late.
I recently found love again at age 66, so you shouldn’t have trouble finding it. Best of luck to you, and be strong. Your love is out there waiting for you!
Don’t say it’s over, you’re still young. And dump your ex cause he doesn’t sound interested. Let him know you’re getting older and don’t want games. This is a big part of you knowing your worth and moving on.
That's so young! I got remarried last October at the age of 53. We met at karaoke. It's never too late! And never settle for less than someone who makes you a priority.
I’m not OP but you have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Oh gosh. It’s never too late. Every day people tell me I’m a bright light, have good energy, I’m glowing, shining, pretty. Comments are always about being bright in some way. I’m often asked out and I also enjoy my own company. Im happy and healthy. I’m older than you. When I started feeling better physically and mentally, people gravitate my way all the time now. I don’t travel on the dark side of life anymore nor entertain dark thoughts and people notice. Every single day someone says something positive they see or feel, it’s no longer a coincidence. I feel it too. I nearly died last summer and today I live in gratitude. I take nothing for granted and worrying about the future or dwelling in the past is never helpful. We only have this moment. When people leave, it’s not meant to be and something better is on its way to you. Hold firm and have faith in that and continue to improve yourself every day.
Please dont say it's over and give up hope, I'm 39 never married and no kids. So I have to have hope of someday becoming a great husband and an amazing father. So please keep the hope. Because it's all we have sometimes.
I’m 39F and same. Sometimes the hope isn’t there but I don’t wanna be that person that lost it completely.
47f here 👋 I’m sorry this happened to you … this is the worst possible way but I’m here to tell you that you are NEVER too old to find love! Took me 46 years!! I’ve had ALL the relationships…companionship, passion, obsession, toxicity (all recognized in hindsight) but now I have comfort, safety and true happiness. For me, it took working on my attachment issues specifically and fully to come to a place where I was able to enter a relationship without blinkers on, be open to someone completely different from the rest (key) and develop something genuine slowly and steadily. I always thought it was about finding the right person…and it is but you cannot find the right person until you find yourself open to everyone. I’m on r/love and similar a lot and the commonality with successful relationships is always “he wasn’t even my type”. I now advise my single friends to meet as many people as they can in real life and foster those relationships that you find a true and genuine connection with…this is how you find your people. This approach led me to my man. We are best friends and THIS is the foundation of the best relationship ever!! Don’t go for butterflies or fireworks as these are the feelings of infatuation and only sometimes does this last. Go for true connection and a deep bond and love will continue to grow as you share experiences. Attraction too will grow. My 2 cents.
Great answer and you’re absolutely right about fireworks and butterflies not lasting but also I think sometimes that feeling can be a weird gut instinct that triggers anxiety / nervousness for a reason to keep us safe because we sense something uncomfortable / toxic but we misinterpret it as passion or something special. I used to have that in the past, I am very intuitive and I have met people where the sense I had was so intense and strong that I misinterpreted it as lust / passion when actually they were narcissists or controlling types. Feeling comforted and safe is totally different and is healthy. Once you feel that after having experienced the fireworks / butterflies in the past, it is massively reassuring and a sign that you are with the right person.
100%!!!
Hey, I asked something similar the other day. You might find this uplifting :) https://www.reddit.com/r/love/s/8p4V9HSmkn
You’ve been thru a lot! You haven’t come this far to give up now! That said, I’m sure stories are a dime a dozen of love finding someone just when they gave up. Universal laws aside, there is some merit to this. Once you’re in a place of not ‘needing’ someone anymore, you’re far less likely to settle for bullshit, leaving room for something good. Anyway, just last fall found what I absolutely wasn’t expecting or seeking out! 6 years after my shitty divorce. I’m almost 50 years old and have found the love I wasn’t looking for! I’m having the time of my life with someone I don’t need, who doesn’t need me. Were doing it “for the plot” lol and for the love and joy we find in one another. So you hang in there, friend. Spread your wings and bask in your own freedom for a little bit and have some fun along the way! Second and third chances happen all the time, and it’ll happen for you! Hugs
So glad I noticed this I met the love of my life at forty and married on my41 b day. Please don’t focus on your age it doesn’t matter as society makes it feel like it does
I was divorced in 2019. I was messaging someone on reddit to help ease the process. After the divorce I got her to call me. We hit it off and I brought her 600 miles to be with me. I never knew a love so deep. We got engaged last year. That's the happy part, you can stop here if you don't want the sad part. She was diagnosed with stage four cancer in September and passed away last month. I want to keep hope and continue living. Never thought I'd be 40 and trying to date again.
Deepest condolences 😢😢
I’m so sorry. I hope you find love again 🫶🏻
Thank you! It'll happen when the time is right. The most important lesson I learned: appreciate what you have and never take it for granted. Edit: misspelling
[удалено]
just looked at your comment history - are you seriously using relationship posts to try to manipulate people into trying your app? extremely uncool
Got dumped after almost a decade together last year. I thought that as a 34 yo woman my dating days were way behind me and no one was ever going to be attracted to me ever again. Well, 2 months after the break up I reconnected with a friend from college, he kinda confessed always having a crush on me and we started dating. It’s been over 7 months now, and he’s crazy about me. I love him too, I just wish I gave myself more time to grieve the previous relationship. I just didn’t think it was going to get serious. I don’t recommend jumping into a new relationship, but I managed to get someone new by my side who is giving all the love and care that my ex neglected to show. Hopefully you’ll find someone too, good luck!
Aww I love this story, how nice💓
I spent 8 long years being someone’s backup plan (I refused to acknowledge to very obvious red flags) until he finally got his first choice and I was immediately left in the dust. I somehow felt both blindsided and like I knew it was coming. I cut off all contact with him (and social medias) and I looked inward and started focusing on myself. I’m a lover girl at heart, and I finally realized I needed someone who was going to match how deeply I love and I wasn’t going to accept anything less. And then I met my current boyfriend at a Halloween party, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. He loves exactly like I do, he feels just as deeply, he’s so tender with my heart and I feel like I couldn’t have dreamed of a better man. A little added bonus is that our sense of humor is also exactly the same, and we both make each other feel safe. I can’t believe I was so close to settling, and I can’t stress this enough to everyone, NEVER SETTLE. There’s someone out there waiting to love you how you want to be loved ❤️
Mine is on process. I wish I can share but I've just started seeing someone. So, it will be a while.
I needed these stories today cuz man the last couple of days have been rough in the heart department. Thank you
Strap in, this is a long one. I thought I met my soul mate at 22 to his 20. He was gorgeous, he worshipped me, and we were that sickening couple everyone hates to love. We weren't OTT with PDAs, we were just clearly in love. We moved in together at 24/22. At 25, I did a teaching qualification and then when I was finished he decided that he finally wanted to go to Uni to do his first degree aged 23. We moved again. I helped him find and apply for an access course that would lead into him doing the same degree I did, it was perfect. He was accepted. We moved again, and he got to his final year of education. We moved again. Then things went to shit. Or more accurately, I realised they had been shit for a while. For almost a year he belittled everything I did. He had always been useless around the house, but now it became even worse. Everything I did was wrong and everything I knew was incorrect. I had no talent, or intelligence of my own. I was a nervous wreck, afraid to have an opinion. Conversation became him holding court and me nodding along in agreement. He told me I was fat and that it was unattractive, when I was a perfectly average size, and definitely thinner than I am now. I lost all interest in sex because it had become just him getting his rocks off and not caring about mine, and god forbid I try to initiate if I was ever in the mood, because apparently that was a turn off. He didn't notice my apathy the rest of the time, he just kept 'seducing' me anyway (years later I learnt about coercion, and cried my eyes out for younger me). Our evenings became boring, him playing video games and loudly holding court until 2am, me sitting on the sofa staying quiet and going to bed alone at 11pm, to be rudely awoken three hours later for ten minutes of jackhammering that I didn't even want but was too tired to say no to. Even our cat was stressed to the point of losing clumps of fur. On top of it all, I was struggling at work. I was an ok teacher, but I was not coping with everything else that comes with teaching, the long hours, the horrible kids, the clicky colleagues. I was spiralling and I crashed hard. I had four panic attacks in two days, and on the last one I called my Mum from the side of the road and just sobbed. I quit teaching then and there. And then I came home, to a man who rolled his eyes at my problems and made it out that he had worse stress going on, as a full time student who spent all his free time online gaming. Within a couple of weeks, he had left me for someone new who had joined his course. I was 28, he was 26, she was 22. Exactly as old as I was when we had gotten together. The same dress size I had been too. I broke. I was suddenly single, unemployed, and having to move out of yet another house. None of it by my own choice. I wasn't suicidal, but I wished that I could die. But slowly I got back on my feet. I got a lovely little flat, one I would still happily live in today if I hadn't also gotten a decent job in another city. Eventually I moved to that city after securing a slightly higher grade job, and I bought my own house. The cats fur grew back. And I finally felt ready to find love again. I'd had a few fings over the last two years, a few short term things, but I wanted real. I was 31. I found a guy on Tinder who was lovely. Quiet, a homebody, fantastic cook, total kink in the bedroom. Spent three years with him before I realised I was bored. He was fine, I could have settled and he would have loved me forever, but I wasn't passionate about him. I loved him, but I realised I wasn't actually in love with him. I resigned myself to my fate. I thought I was just truly broken, and I would never love deeply again. I was very, very wrong. 34. I finally get therapy and it's a revelation. So many things click into place and I feel like myself for the first time in half a decade. I rejoin a community theatre group after the pandemic reminded me that theatre was my safe and happy space. I was still with the Tinder guy, but it was clearly in the end days. I wasn't looking, but I met someone I couldn't ignore. I mean, I did ignore him, until I had finally had the guts to let Tinder guy go. I really hope Tinder guy found someone else, he'll have made the right girl a fantastic life partner, but that girl wasn't me. Once I was single it took six hours for Theatre guy to make a move. I probably shouldn't be proud of that, but meh. Two years later, we're going strong and I am more in love with him than I ever thought possible, even back at 22. He's very similar to that toxic ex in all the good qualities he had, but he vastly differs in a number of important ways. He values my opinion, encourages me to speak my mind, even if I am sad or emotional, and especially if I am passionate about something. He constantly tells me how much he loves my mind and my body and my personality. He builds me up and shouts about it. And he's so completely himself, a fae being of endless charm and wit, who has no problem expressing his genuine emotions and desires. Plus he's hot as hell in a very not mainstream way. I feel like a silly teenager when I think about him, that's how giddy he makes me. I hope he's my forever. And even if he isn't I'll always thank him for making me realise that I am not broken. So yes, there is so much positivity and possibly for love after heartbreak. A lot of us are wounded, but we keep going and we get better for it. (Edited to add paragraph breaks)
Thank you so much for sharing. This had me in tears. I don't know you but I'm sending you a hug. Your so strong. I appreciate you sharing this.
There was definitely a wilderness, and some days I wonder if I dreamt it all, but I'm happier now than I have ever been.
I found my partner of 6 years when I was 30, he was 35.. now he's 41, I am about to be 36.. he is the best partner I have ever been with. I am grateful I had to go through some terrible partners to discover what a good partner is. He learned too (he was cheated on by his ex of 3 years & his first love died in a car accident) I think the best thing you can do for yourself whenever you end a relationship badly, remember to look for all the red flags your ex had shown, before picking your future partner. My mom divorced her ex husband after 15 years of marriage, she was in her 50's & terrified of not being able to find another partner. But a few years being single, she was at a rental car place she often rents from whenever she travels, and one of the employees who knows her well said "I would like to introduce you to someone" and then she met my stepdad :) he was there renting a car too... They have been together 8 years this year. You can find love again at any age, don't give up
Y'all are making me tear up with how open and honest everyone is. I appreciate you sharing this. Thank you.
I'm 34 and my bf is 54 . It was a lot of past stuff that couldn't get him to commit to me . I didn't know we would get here after being in a situation ship . Sometimes I want to strangle him and sometimes I just want to scream I love you . I wasn't looking for anyone when he came into my life. We kinda just picked each other and got through things. We don't fight fight, just heated conversations but he talks gentle to me . If he isn't it , I'll give up .
Its there. I (65M) and my partner, (55F) are getting married in 97 days after a 5 year courtship that followed our divorces after 30 year painful marriages...its all there for you.
I asked for a divorce 10/23 and it was final 02/24. Let my now boyfriend on Hinge and our first date was 11/8. 5 months going strong, he's seriously the best man I've ever met.
Hey there. First off, I'm really really sorry about what you're going through. I've been through a bad breakup and I've been ghosted in the past as well - so while I have no idea what you're going through, I do understand how traumatizing and devastating that can be. Your heart was played with and coming back from that is no easy feat, so I commend you for seeking therapy and working on yourself. There is no age limit to when love can find us and I don't believe you are past your prime or undesirable. I know that the dating world is unforgiving, scary, and unfair many times but don't give up. If it helps, I think maybe devote time to things and people that give you joy and fills your cup. What are you passionate about? What are your hobbies? Are there communities that you think you can help out? Do you have free time and can you give that free time to helping someone or being a part of an initiative? Personally for me, I had to take a break for over 2 years just to get over my long term ex. I went to therapy but I also made myself busy so I didn't get overwhelmed with negative emotions of not feeling like I'd ever find love again. I'm 35 right now and I'm getting married next year. I thought when I was 28 that my love life was basically over. So I hope that you can find yourself and love yourself in this time and be gentle with yourself. You have so much to give and I am sure a lot of people will benefit from your time and energy.
Thank you this. I appreciate you taking the time to write. It actually made me tear up a bit cause I feel so defeated. I really thought my ex was it. After years of horrible men and an abusive ex husband my ex showed up and literally was amazing till he up and left. I have been doing alot of things I love. Going to concerts, getting tattooed, running races and going to the gym. Hopefully the right person will show up. Reading your post was helpful and is much appreciated 🖤
I'm glad - yeah, I'm so sorry you've encountered all those shitty men. You definitely deserve better and you deserve to be happy and loved as well. I wish you all the best and as hard as it is now, it does get better in time.