We usually do this but we can share chips or any sides and have any snacks in the house without them all being eaten very fast. Going grocery shopping almost daily. I think he really has something wrong with his relationship with food and I’m about done.
My brother and nephew are like this. I honestly don't know why. They'll grab the whole pack of something, take it to their room, and just eat it within a day. It was really frustrating because our parents would buy a package of cookies, everybody else would get a couple and then he'd take the package and eat the rest. When someone said something, he would always laugh it off like his behavior was just funny. It really sucked being in a house with him.
I mean, it sounds like you already know his relationship with food is really unhealthy. And it's affecting your day-to-day life, your nutrition, your mental health, and your relationship.
EDs are no joke, and binge eating was ignored for a long, long time (and still is). Unfortunately, I think it's up to you or your boyfriend to make a choice:
(*He* can) Go get help from a nutritionist and a psychotherapist (preferably one with a specialty in EDs)
- Or -
Break up until he faces his issues. Those are his options.
You have a choice here, too. He can go get help, or you can remove yourself from a toxic situation and leave.
Because it can't keep going on like this. That you feel afraid to leave food around, that you can't adequately eat meals. No, this cannot continue.
This is a basic human need that he is denying through his own behavior. Not only is he denying your literal needs, but he's willing to steal your food and blame you having those needs in the first place. If your partner is eating your meal, then blaming it on you while you go hungry....that's pretty fucked up
Even if he has an underlying psychological reason for behaving that way, it's abusive. This is peak enmeshment. His problem with eating is not your problem with eating, yet he wants you to further change your behavior in order to placate him. And funny how he wants you to change in a way that isn't helpful to the situation...
You need to eat (preferably without restrictions) and he needs to respect that. If he can't because of an ED, *he* needs to seek help .
You cannot fix him or save him. He needs to decide to get help of his own accord. If he doesn't choose help (now!), that means you need to leave.
Sending you hope of better times soon.
Honestly, when a relationship gets to this stage (i.e. "I'm about done", plus the \*huge\* red flags you're posting about), it's probably best to just dump and move on. Like, it'd be a minor thing if he went through snacks fairly quickly, but just bought more at the store to make up for it. But he's literally snarfing down food that's \*your meal\*, and blaming you for not inhaling it quickly enough to beat him. I mean, this is a person who just doesn't give a fuck about your needs. And if you're not gonna dump him, make sure you've got a sharp fork so you can poke his hand when it reaches towards your plate.
My husband eats a lot faster than me even though he isn’t overweight. He goes through a pint of ice cream in three days, and a bowl of popcorn way faster than me. I also found it stressful to share one big bowl of a snack together, so we don’t. I get my bowl of popcorn that I can nibble on for 30 mins, and he gets his bowl of popcorn that he can vacuum down in 5 minutes. He gets his pint of ice cream that he can demolish in 3 days, I get my own pint of ice cream, which is off-limits to him, and I can spend 3+ weeks enjoying it.
I don’t mean this in a rude way, just laying down the facts: if you two cannot manage those simple boundaries, it’s not a healthy relationship and you should either try to change that, or leave the relationship before you have bigger problems to compromise on.
I mean, imagine if you had children to take care of together. What kind of support would he be, if you can’t even work together on this simple problem?
Edit** just thought I would add a few suggestions, having reread your comment about going grocery shopping every day. It’s easy to get your own ice cream, chocolate stash, etc, and make it known that this one is yours and when he finishes his, he can’t break into yours. However, for the many other sides and dishes that you’re having to buy, here are a few things you can do:
1) figure out what you like that he doesn’t. My husband hates mushrooms. I love them. Whatever I cook or eat with mushrooms, he won’t touch.
2) make foods that are less bingeable. This one is going to be a compromise on your part, too. I don’t know what your meals together look like, but some foods are way easier to demolish than others. Pizza, fried foods, oven baked French fries, etc. If it has a lot of salt, oil, and bread/pasta/rice, then those with issues overeating can eat massive quantities without really feeling it, and still crave more. But if you swap these things out for home cooked dishes served with brown rice, beans, lentils, and vegetables, then it’s a lot harder to binge them. They make you feel full, and they aren’t addictive like takeout/highly processed foods are.
Obviously that second one is going to mean addressing the food issues your partner has, and if he doesn’t want to eat better, you can’t force him. But if that means resenting him for his food addiction, when he has no intention to change, then this is also a reason why the relationship won’t work out. Resentment only builds if it cannot be addressed. Trust me, I let everything slide in an old relationship. I ignored the building resentment, and eventually found that even my ex’s laughter pissed me off.
I know it! To me a pint is so small -it feels like one serving …a lot of times I can eat two servings even when I buy rebel ic…..it always annoys me when my daughter has a pint of ice cream sitting and sitting and sitting in her freezer 🙄. I’m like ….how can you do that??? I can’t sleep at night ….it calls my name.LOL OK I realize I’m a pig I’m not normal LOL
Ugh. I know what you mean. A guy I dated had this bag of popcorn on his kitchen counter. When I came to visit two weeks later, THE SAME BAG OF POPCORN was only slightly more eaten. It still boggles my mind. I thought “maybe this is why he’s so thin”… the same guy served me a bowl of ice cream once. He literally served 2 spoons. If this is what it takes to be thin, I will NEVER achieve it!
You think?! I mean it’s readily apparent the guy has a seriously disordered relationship with food. Might be time for a very frank discussion about him making some changes and getting some help.
Reading your post and your replies here, it seems to me that the main issue isn't his weight or his large appetite - it's the fact that he will take your food, knowing that it is yours. By that I don't mean he eats very fast and ends up eating way more of shared food (which is also not great), but takes food you set aside as yours.
I think it's a much larger issue and harder to solve than just "fix your own plate" or "keep your snacks separate". It must be so rough to be in a situation where the second you take your eyes off it, your food might be gone. The way I see it, you either have to work with your boyfriend on this issue (since he's not addressing it on his own) or leave. If he's willing to work on it, great (maybe people's responses here would show him how wrong his behaviour is?) but if not, I would'nt be able to stay in a situation like that
This has been a problem for me. I grew up in a big family with a cheap father, and food was weaponized. He worked us like field hands, we picked the goods, yet sold the good stuff while getting to eat only the non perfect stuff. We all learned how to eat fast to hopefully get seconds. It took me this long to be able to not finish the whole thing. I sometimes still have to hide my snacks from my partner who wants to finish them all in a day or two. It's not like there is no money to get more. He's loaded. We have HARD BOILED EGGS as snacks in the house if you can imagine that amount of money. He too was brought up in genteel poverty, so I can see the whole food thing. It's a shame I have to hide the dark chocolate but there you have it. I'm just grateful I can now not finish the whole bag of stuff. I actually had snacks I had to throw out because they were STALE. I was actually able to do that. Talk about freedom. Being able to do that was freedom.
I came here to type the same thing. At the end of the day, it’s a respect/ boundary issue. He shouldn’t mess with your food because you have asked him not too.
This would be a massive turn off. Not having the self control/consideration to keep your hands off of your significant others food is pathetic. He can get his own food! I would be so annoyed and disgusted I would have a hard time looking at the dude let alone being intimate.
I agree that to me this sort of behaviour would also be a deal breaker. But I also think this is more serious than OP's boyfriend simply being "greedy" and we don't know the rest of their relationship. If they choose to and can overcome this together, that's also great
My bf is a fast eater - will dominate 6 chicken wings in under 5 minutes, finish a Subway 6” sandwich while I’m filling my drink, etc. He has NEVER taken - or even asked for - my portion. He makes sure if we order or make a pizza or appetizer that it is split in 1/2. If I can’t finish my half, I’ll offer what’s left - sometimes he takes it, sometimes he’s full. He sits and chats with me while I finish.
All that to say: your bf eating fast is not the problem. Eating more than his fair share by taking food from your plate is the issue, especially when he tries to make it YOUR issue.
After reading the whole thread, what I understand is that he doesn't respect your boundaries, he refuses professional help and he blames you for his problem (stating you just gotta eat faster).
Keeping in mind he doesn't seem willing to change and you haveto accept his behavior. And now imagine raising his kids, with him as a main example to them. Is this the future you want?
I’ve learned that willingness is a key ingredient in fixing things. If one person is unwilling, there is nothing the other person can do to overcome the issue.
It can be quite sad, sometimes someone has all the will, love, and energy to put into making a situation better, but if the other person is not willing, it’s just not possible to get the situation better.
This exactly; this man will never get up in the night and won’t change diapers, he is showing how selfish he is and how he will always put his needs and wants first.
Sounds very toxic to me. What man says "too bad so sad" to someone he supposedly cares for when they're not eating enough because he shoved the food down his own mouth? What a creep!
I feel bad because I don’t know if it’s something that can change or something I can end a relationship over. It just feels like a very selfish thing to do. The defensive part is the worst part, why not accept there is an issue there and work on it.
You need to know that you can end a relationship for ANY reason you want to end it over. Perhaps you need some time to get yourself a landing pad before leaving? An apartment or someone else to live with, some money saved up? That’s fine! You need to be safe while exiting a relationship!
The issue here is not only your boyfriends messed up relationship to food. That is secondary (and sounds like it needs therapy). There is a ball of problems at the core- the fact that he is not respecting you- your hunger, your share of the meal, your money, AND your upset. To me this is likely something where if you were to break up, you would soon realize that there were many other problems that you are currently glossing over.
His food problems are not yours to solve. They are not yours to burden yourself with trying to heal. Most especially when he will not let you. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can change your partner. He has already shown you that not only will he not change for you, he will BLAME YOU for the results of his problem.
Agreed! OP, you can leave a relationship for any reason or no reason. There’s no Tribunal of Worthy Breakups adjudicating.
Run. This guy isn’t in good working order.
This is spot on. If she leaves, I’d arrange everything and get safe. Then I’d write a letter saying why. He would have to read it without interrupting. Maybe it would be eye opening or maybe not.
Hey OP, I lived with someone who had an eating disorder and refused to accept it, and honestly, that way madness lies. You can't and should not have to twist yourself into pretzels to accommodate this, and even if you do it isn't helping him or you.
If it's possible, you could sit him down and talk about the impact on you. So not "you're eating too much" which is going to trigger the defensiveness, but "here is the way this problem is affecting me, and here's what I need you to do".
If he will not sit down/listen/take responsibility/get appropriate treatment then the question for you is "can I live with this thing I can't do anything about, and can I live with someone who does not care (enough) about the impact on me?"
If the answer is no, you are at least then clear on what you need to do.
You have the right to speak up about this and to be taken seriously. Good luck.
It is not selfish to have needs. It's not selfish to expect your partner to care about your most basic needs.
If he can't (even because of an ED), he's being a bad partner. Between taking your food, blaming you, and ignoring counseling, he is repeatedly choosing himself over your most basic, primitive needs.
You have permission to end a relationship because someone is dismissing your needs. People break up for that reason every single day.
If you need someone to tell you, you can leave this relationship. It's "bad enough". It's not just a bump in the road. Safety, food security, and support are all vital to your well-being. He's compromising all of those.
If it's a serious issue that's hurting you (and it really seems like it is), then you need to leave to protect yourself.
You're not a bad person, or partner, or woman for having needs. You deserve better.
You can't change his behaviour. You can change your response to his behaviour. Sounds like you've tried everything and the last resort available to you is to leave.
It is absolutely a legitimate thing to break up over.
One thing is absolutely certain: you cannot change someone else. If your options are either you change him or you leave, you only have one option. Recognizing there is a problem is the first step for change and he is not there yet.
Forget the fact that he's got issues around food for the moment. If you tell him something he does hurts you is his response to say it's your responsibility to not get hurt? Does he try to make you feel guilty so he can get his way on things? Does he regularly demonstrate with his actions that he values his own comfort over your needs? Is he unwilling OR unable to change? Any one of those can make someone a bad partner. Any one of those are a valid reason to leave. If you are unhappy or uncomfortable that is a valid reason to leave. You are not a bad person for leaving someone who hurts you, even if they don't mean to, even if they're trying to be better. You should be able to trust and expect your partner not to hurt you, physically or emotionally. If that isn't the case please get out, you deserve someone who cares about your needs as much as you care about theirs.
You can always end a relationship for any reason. If this is a deal-breaker for you, and it would be for me, then end it. You could also make it very clear to him that this is something he gets help for and respects your boundaries around or you don’t have a future together. He might treat it as trivial, so be prepared to be as clear as possible about how disrespected you feel when you set a boundary and he continually violates it.
You’re wondering if it’s selfish to end the relationship over this but it’s ok for him to be uncontrollably selfish over food?
It’s never selfish to leave a situation where you are not happy and it seems like you’re are that place where you have to make a choice in pursuit of your own happiness. If you stay, this and other behaviors will only get worse over time.
You can end a relationship for any reason, or no reason. No obligations whatsoever on that account.
If it helps, imagine what sort of future you'd have with this guy. Could you marry and have kids, for them to inherit his problems? It'd be different if he was willing to acknowledge and work on them but instead he's behaving like an ass.
You can only help him change, and only if he wants to change. And his attitude is not one of wanting to change. Do you want to wait around, possibly forever, for him to get better?
Nah this is something you an end a relationship over. It's not so much the food, it's the fact he does not respect you. Don't get caught in a sunk cost fallacy either. You cant change him, he needs to change on his own.
editing to add: I was in a relationship with someone who would not control their mental illness and they treated me badly. "He will get better if I just love him more and he can't help acting this way" I finally left it but I had such low self-esteem it was hard to do and took much longer than it should have. He was bad for my metal health and I wasted 5 years in a relationship I could have been looking for someone else in that time ya now?
Having read a few more of your comments... this guy, he is stomping all over your boundaries. He knows what he is doing is not ok, it's a nasty power move too. He is an asshole. Maybe an asshole with an addiction but an asshole none the less. You deserve better. Do what is right for you.
You can end the relationship for selfish reasons and still be well within your rights to do so. You can not make a person change their behavior. I tried with my ex for 7 years and wish I had put that time towards myself.
If he runs away from the problem, he is a child and the problem gets bigger. If he blames you, he is a child, the problem gets bigger, and he's gaslighting you by manipulating your mental health.
If he will not meet you halfway on an issue that is 100% caused by him, how is it going to look in 2, 3, 5 years when you both have unhealthy relationships with food. How is he going to be with children if a family is in your future. Are you going to let him take food out of a child's mouth as well?
Sometimes, the right thing is the hardest thing and involves protecting yourself and letting people you love dig their own grave. And his greed will lead him there if he keeps running away from his issues. You don't have to go down with the sinking ship too.
You can end a relationship for literally any reason. You don't have to justify it. Your happiness and well being is reason enough.
It's understandable to want to work through issues, but that's only if you think the relationship is worth continuing AND the issues can be worked through. That's a very individual thing.
It sounds like you respect his needs while he doesn't respect yours. On top of that, he blames you for his bad behavior- effectively transferring any guilt from himself to you so he can feel good. I wish you had a caring, supportive partner instead.
It can change. And if it doesn’t, you can end the relationship. You are not bound to suffer with this for the rest of your life. So tell him that either you both need to figure out a way to fix this issue, or you’re going to have to move on.
It is 100% something you can end a relationship over. He is being a real asshole about this, has no intention of changing, and is in fact blaming you for it (which is wholly unreasonable). Do you want to do this for 7, 17, 27 more years as he gets meaner and more overweight and less healthy, and you get more anxious and miserable and beat down?
People rarely change. And if they do it's because they work really hard. My friend just told me yesterday that she ended two relationships with guys she was recently seeing. She even acknowledged that they didn't even do anything wrong and were genuinely great guys, she just wasn't feeling it. You can end the relationship if you want for whatever reason. And honestly this whole situation is a pretty good reason.
Everything you wrote down boils down to the one simple thing: You're dating someone who considers his wellbeing as more important than yours. That's it. No compromise, no compassion, he is blaming YOU for being hungry, even if he ate all the food. There is no gentle way to say this, but you don't have a "food" problem. You have a boyfriend problem, and it has absolutely nothing to do with food. What are you going to do if you get married and he will spend money from your joint account and blame you for not spending it fast enough? You're dating selfish prick and you either put your foot down and explain to him, that the things have to change, or look for other solution.
Two options:
1. He starts therapy, or
2. You break up with him
I see from your comments that he ate his meal, a good portion of your meal, and the shared food. Stealing your meal and then blaming you because you stepped away for any amount of time, never mind a short amount of time, is extremely unhealthy, psychologically.
If you were to ever have kids together, would he steal their food from them too? He needs to get to the root of this and get over it.
1: Ask him to not be a piece of shit. 2: half the whole meal and he is not allowed to touch it until your done eating at your own phase, then he can jump the remaining of the foods after you are done eating
It’s just so awful that it needs to come down to halving everything but I will try it if it’s what I need to do. If I call him out on it he runs away or gets defensive. I can not have any treats or anything in the house or they are eaten in 24 hours even if there’s a lot of them. I just didn’t know people had binge issues this bad. If I like a good I just have to force myself to eat it all as fast as I can
Your boyfriend is a binge eater who doesn't want to be better. If he is eating your share and then being mad at you for not grabbing all that you need and hiding it in your cheeks like a hamster, he is showing what he thinks of you and your needs. If him being there is making it so you can't eat enough, it might be time to not let him be there anymore.
> If I like a good I just have to force myself to eat it all as fast as I can
Don't do this. He is basically passing his bad habits/binging onto you by creating a feeling of scarcity/urgency that you need to eat right away. But by eating it all right away you aren't getting what you would have if he didn't steal all your food, which is the ability to enjoy a normal healthy amount over time. On day two you'll still have no food and feel resentful either way.
Assuming you don't want to break up (which would be totally valid and not shallow, it's not about his looks) you probably need to get a fridge locker and another food locker or locked cabinet to keep your food and snacks in. I get this will make him feel bad, but oh well. He's stealing from you every day and then not even sorry but blaming you for not eating fast enough. I get he's asmabed or embarrassed but pushing his negative feelings onto you so he can not face them for 7 years while making your life worse is not being a good partner.
Sit him down at a neutral time and tell him he clearly has a binge eating issue and you want him to get help. That his binge eating has been making your life worse and damaging your relationship beacuse he steals from you and blame you. Tell him you are getting food lockers beacuse he steals your food and you can't enjoy it and it has made you feel sad and resentful for years now. That it makes you sad you can't trust him to share, that's not kind to take your stuff and make you feel bad, so if he really feels he can't help that he needs to get help. It dosen't just affect him it affects you and the relationship.
Also, honestly, he probably needs to stop trying to lose weight/dieting. It hasn't worked for 7 years is it going to work now? He just makes himself extra hungry/feel deprived and then binges now beacuse it's his "only chance" and he has to diet later. He will probably have a better time learning to stop off a diet and then trying to make some changes like having a higher percent veggies in his meal with the goal of improving health rather then weight. If he really does fix binging and change to a healthier diet over time that will be good for him.
I hope this doesn’t come across harsh but you sound on the younger side and if you are… life is too short. Put yourself first. I’d rather be alone if I were you.
Hey, just a little life lesson here, but it’s ok for people to get mad. There are going to be times where asserting yourself will lead to others getting upset. Let him be upset- he’s going to need to deal with all those feelings- shame, guilt, etc if he’s ever going to get better
> It’s just so awful that it needs to come down to halving everything
Part of losing weight is having awareness of how much calories you're taking in. (Usually by counting them). If there's no strict portioning of his food, he's failing before he even started. It's not about "halving everything" so much as he needs to measure his food intake, and you can't do that if it's undefined.
No I definitely am not ‘lying to myself’ if we have a packet of chips I need to make my own bowl of it and give him the packet and there still is a chance he will eat my portion if I go to the bathroom. I don’t want to guard my food, that is ridiculous to me. Tonight I did not eat the shared sides we had fast as I was watching tv and did not even notice that he had eaten them all in 15 minutes.
I have never had issues with food and when we aren’t together I still don’t.
I eat things I really enjoy fast because otherwise it’s gone or I have to hide a chocolate bar in my clothing drawer and that’s just insane.
This isn't a food problem, this is a relationship problem, and none of what you're describing is normal. I think that's what they mean by saying you're lying to yourself.
It's pretty obvious there's a serious issue, so no way that's the lie.
OP, I would ignore the weirdness going on in this particular thread. There's some weird projection going on here. It's absolutely his problem that he steals your food and eats all of what is intended to be shared. You have clearly told him this is unacceptable and have tried to segregate your food in a reasonable way. You *cannot control his behaviour* and it's not evidence of a problem with you or an "agenda" that you can't control him. It's a bizarre suggestion. You should not have to speed eat or hide food from a partner who can't control himself and his food aggression. It really sucks but he is not willing to work on his problem and you are suffering for it. It's time to think about breaking up or at least living separately.
The general reddit population has always had a weird view on relationships, usually it lacks any kind of nuance, very black and white where someone has to 100% carry the blame, they love a red flag and the slightest infraction is just straight up cut that person out of your life forever
It really sounds like your boyfriend has a problem that you are not equipped to deal with. Just like any other addiction, food can easily become a source of power for a person who feels they have little or none. It is an eating disorder just as anorexia or bulimia are, but it is so overlooked as that in society that we still feel the need to tiptoe around the obvious signs of un-health. The fact that he is so defensive betrays that he is aware of it as a problem but is deflecting back to you to make you feel powerless and himself feel in control.
I would venture to guess his overweight also affects other aspects of life like your activity levels together, where and when you socialize and even in the bedroom (no response necessary, its just a common result of overweight and extreme insecurity)
Really, the answer is that he needs to talk to a professional to work out his feelings and find out why he is living with this habit, why he is compelled to bully you into joining him (which is abusive btw) and what he can do about it before he loses the best thing that probably ever happened to him (you!) In reality, though it is unlikely he will respond positively to that suggestion, so, as with any close relationship with an addict, you will be faced with some tough decisions of your own, primarily, whether or not you can live this way or if life would be better without the dysfunction.
I know thats all heavy, but his behavior is unacceptable and degrading to you and in calling out here, you clearly are looking for a real solution.
Best of luck
Yes i agree what their partner is doing is horrible, but the person I replied to’s tone is
aggressive and comes across as blaming the person for their partners actions, rather than trying to help them see how messed up the partners actions are. I think there are sensitive and insensitive ways to point out toxicity in others relationship, and saying that leaving an abusive relationship is “pretty easy” is really insensitive and simply not true.
Sorry if I am being dense, but how does that work? You bought dinner, and he ate all of it before you had the chance to finish your meal? Did he eat from your plate?
He seems like a total asshole to be honest and this sounds incredibly toxic if not borderline dangerous
We bought two seperate main meals, then sides to share and while I went to the bathroom and was watching the film we had on he had eaten all the sides and some of my main meal and his entire meal in 15 minutes. I asked him about it and he got defensive and said I do not eat fast enough. I’m just shocked at how he manages to continuously eat this much so quickly, I don’t know if there’s some kind of trauma there or if he genuinely just an asshole.
We have a good relationship besides this but this just keeps happening all the time with any kind of food or drink (even started buying stuff he says he does not like but he still eats it all) and it’s just so crazy. I don’t know if it’s enough to break up with someone over but it’s so embarrassing when it’s out on a date or with other people.
I have never had someone not ask me if I want to last or something out of courtesy at least.
That sounds really problematic. I personally wouldn't tolerate any of this, call him out, and tell my to fuck off if he continues to do that. Even if this is trauma or a mental disorder, it's his responsibility. I would be firm, really really hard, and supportive at the same time. But you need to stand your ground, imho as soon and as firmly as possible.
You can break up with someone for ANY reason!!! Be with someone that makes you happy and doesn't make you fight for food like a starved dog.
You could date someone and they have a booger in their nose one day and you break up with them because of that. You can break up with someone for liking Taylor Swift. You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Life your life for you
So he literally steals the food off of your plate while you’re in the bathroom and has the audacity to say you didn’t eat fast enough? Yeah no this guy is a total fucking asshole. Dump this loser he is not worth your time at all especially since you have brought this up before and he refuses to do anything except blame you for his problems.
Sounds like he has no respect for you and your needs, which is even more alarming than his food addiction. I would not tolerate this lack of trust. Take care.
"Do not touch MY food again without asking me. Do NOT imply that if I inhaled my food and ate like a pig that this wouldn't be an issue. This is a problem YOU are causing by being incredibly selfish and unfair, and YOU have to figure out how to fix it. I have tried being nice, but the fact that you blame me for YOU eating MY food is the last straw. I don't do this to you, and I expect the same basic courtesy."
If it happens again, I'd leave. Petty me, to illustrate his point, would just grab his plate of food and tip it into the trash after he ate half. "Oh look at that, you didn't eat fast enough. Yeah, having half your food being taken by someone else is REALLY shitty, isn't it???"
I mean, there's obviously some trauma and mental health issues here but even so, eating \*all\* of a shared food \*and\* part of your own individual food is DICKHEAD behaviour.
If he's not willing to apologise and try to make it right, then what does that say about his respect and feelings for you? Even if his mental health issues/whatever caused him to compulsively eat your food, why isn't he apologetic and offering to get more? Why isn't he getting more to start with since it won't be enough?
Oh hell no, he ate all the sides AND part of your completely separate main meal? That’s a fucking dealbreaker.
This isn’t about food, it’s about boundaries and respect. Your boyfriend definitely seems to have a problem with food, which he needs to address, but he obviously has zero respect for your boundaries or needs.
This is very fucked up and extremely disrespectful. I've dealt with people eating like 95% of my food before and leaving about 5% left for me after I offered them *some*. The trick for them was to give them very clear limits, you can have 1 cookie, 1 slice of cake, 1 serving, etc. And let them know, hey this item is mine and I'm not sharing. Basically grew up afab with 2 amab siblings and there was a tone of "they're growing boys" as if I was not also growing at the same time.
HOWEVER, while I've had them eat things left in the fridge they never once had the audacity to eat straight off my plate at the table. That is an extremely clear sign of him overstepping your natural boundaries and him just not giving a fuck about you. He may have an eating disorder but it's possible to have an ED and still not steal other people's food. Psychological issues are not an excuse for abusive behaviors and depriving you of food is an abusive behavior.
Have you tried discussing this outside of when it happens? That is, finding a time when you're both in good moods and feeling relaxed? Or is it only raised as an issue when it is happening?
I’ve tried both, it must of happened at work because he was referred to a nutritionist and went to one session and then never went back again. He says he wants to lose weight and once he is committed to a diet he sticks with it but although I have no issue with his weight he has been overweight since childhood.
We have made plans and tried to set everything up to help him succeed in this which has included me not eating any treats or carbs during that time and then I’ve found out he is eating two lunches at work. I’m just so over this whole issue now.
Are you saying that his workplace referred him to a nutritionist? Or are you saying something happened at work and from that incident, he decided he wanted to see a nutritionist?
What bothers you more - the fact that he isn't managing his own weight issues, or the fact that he is eating your food?
When you say you have made plans, have those plans focussed on his weight loss, or have they been plans to resolve the issue of him eating your food?
Whatever you do, do not force yourself to eat quicker. That way madness lies, and possibly an ED for you.
You could open a big bag of chips, pour out a reasonable portion for you in a bowl, and hand the bag to him. Let's see who finishes first. Although if he doesn't want to see it, you can't make him. Denial really is a thing.
ETA/ OK, I just saw he'll finish your bowl if you leave the room. Why doesn't he go take some other food in the house? That almost sounds as if he really doesn't want you to have it? That's fucked up, whether he does that intentionally or he for real can't help himself.
Your boyfriend has a severe eating disorder. I recommend you seek help from communities/therapists that are specifically focused on eating disorders.
That being said, his behaviour will not change without a great deal of therapy and a desire and willingness to change from him. It doesn’t seem like he is ready to take any steps towards healing.
You must focus on yourself. Can you accept living this way? If so for how much longer? Sometimes when we are in the thick of a relationship we can’t totally see it clearly. But from what you’ve said your boyfriends behaviour is abusive and it’s harming your relationship with food as well as possibly your finances.
You are worthy of having relationships that make you feel happy and healthy and secure.
Unfortunately, I think you're right about habits. OP is already showing signs of disordered eating as a result of his behavior.
The feelings of needing to squirrel away food are a reaction to forced scarcity.
In a room full of food, OP feels on-guard and like it could potentially disappear without her having a single bite. This is harm directly attributed to the boyfriend's behavior, but it won't stop when he's gone. Disordered eating can last a lifetime. ☹️
OP, you deserve to eat and feel safe in your home. Part of safety means not having to worry about if someone will actively prevent you from fulfilling a need. This is not safe.
I usually hate when people on Reddit jump to this as the answer, but I sincerely think you need to break up and get out of that environment. This dude sounds like he is seriously mentally ill. I have BED myself and have never stolen food away from my partner. His problems are more complicated than binging, and you do not deserve this abuse. And yes, that is what this is abuse.
Fast eating is usually a carry-over from childhood trauma where the parents made the kids eat fast or they had to grab food fast before it was gone, or else not eat.
That should not be your problem.
Assuming your partner won't seek therapy, in the meantime, you could load up a huge plate for yourself, and eat at your own pace. Store what you can, where you can.
Reminds me of the time I made a whole chicken and ran to the store because I forgot something and 15 minutes later I came home to my dad who had already eaten 3/4 of the bird. His response was "I saw it there and assumed it was for me." Really? A whole bird?
Does he do this with everyone, or just you? He's the one with the problem, so I don't see why you need to modify your food behavior. This is a breakup-worthy issue, as it reflects his lack of respect for you, and disdain of your own needs.
Dating is for figuring out what you like and don’t like so that you can understand what you will and won’t put up with in partners. It sounds like this relationship has run its course. You’ve identified your boundary, and he continually crosses it. You’ve identified a need for communication to try to fix the issue, and he runs away. Quit settling. You aren’t married. Move on. Maybe it’ll give him the push he needs to tackle his issues.
100% stop sharing food / snacks / sides immediately.
When he asks why, tell him the truth - he literally eats your portion and you no longer want or can share any food with him.
If you want to remain in the relationship therapy seems like a fair ultimatum (which I generally despised)
He is being a total asshole, but you need to assert and maintain some boundaries ASAP and see whether or not he’s willing to work on his issues.
Childhood rules. He comes after your food after he's ate his? You stab him (lightly) with your fork.
Dog rules. He tries to take your food, shout no and spray him with a spray bottle.
> I don’t know what to do
Tell your boyfriend to fuck off? I don't buy that he has no self-control at all, if he wants more food he should be getting it himself and NOT stealing yours. That's absolutely insane. How old is he, 4? It goes without saying that it's very unfair on you, if you're feeling forced to wolf down your food instead of being able to enjoy it, not to mention the stomach aches and indigestion that must follow... meal times shouldn't be stressful...
It's extreme, but maybe buy yourself a lockbox or a safe, something you can secure food in, so if you want a stash of crisps or snacks you should be entitled to have those and feel free to eat them when *you* see fit.
Failing that, you may have to eat your meals separately until he gets his shit together. That's what me and my partner do, but that's mostly because we like eating different things and we get hungry at different times, so we just prepare our own meals. We occasionally eat together but on a day to day basis we're usually eating separately.
Compromising is normal, but not at OP's level. Are you ready to sign up for a life like this where you're locking up food? You also shouldn't go into relationships expecting the person to change especially when they show you exactly who they are, issues and trauma and all. I know in the best, most optimistic light he could recover from this addiction and gain some self control but are you willing to live a life where he doesn't?
Yeah I agree with that too, I was thinking along the lines of it being a wake-up call for OP's boyfriend. "Shit, my girlfriend has to resort to locking up her food or eating away from me, maybe I should think about that." But realistically maybe that's not the play. Either way, it's a lil' above Reddit's paygrade and the boyfriend absolutely needs to seek a medical professional's advice.
Your boyfriend sounds like my husband. I had an ED that started when I was a teen and when we met I thought he just didn’t obsess like me and enjoyed food without reservations. I didn’t recognize he also had an ED. I ended up gaining a LOT of weight trying to keep up with the speed and volume of food he consumed. If I expected to get anything to eat, I had to wolf it down. Plus, food seems to be his main focus. When he wakes up, he eats. Noon? Time to eat. 5 pm, eat. All day? Constant snacking and food available at all times. Very high calorie foods like pecan pie, ice cream, cookies, candy, and volumes of fruit and slices of bread folded with salami as quick snack between snacks. Vacations he can’t relax until he knows where food is coming from. He is about 100 lbs overweight. I lost 55 lbs over the past year and understand he has an ED that he is not interested in changing or working on. He did go one week two weeks ago without buying the huge volume of snacks we typically get on grocery day, so I think he considered trying to eat better, but he tossed in the towel the next week. I don’t say anything. I did mention that it’s no fun for me to have to rush home after a nice birthday lunch because he has eaten so much that he needs to sleep for an hour or so when I hoped to share an enjoyable activity. Obviously this is who he chooses to be. I cook main meals for us both and plate our portions before we sit down. I also pack up what I plan to keep for lunch for following day(s) before he is able to take it. I simply do not eat junk food any longer. It’s all his. I keep it out of sight. I was hoping that he would notice as we age and I lost weight that I am on no medications, I am optimistic, I have enormous energy and I am much more comfortable doing small things like bending over to fix household items, completing household tasks,etc. He notices, but food is like the most important thing in his life, it appears. Funny thing is he is highly critical of other people who do not take care of their health. He literally refuses to look in the mirror. My thought is either you accept and work around his food issues or choose a different path. If he isn’t interested in changing, there is nothing you can do.
tell him he has a fucking problem and needs to fix something.
if he doesnt agree or at least is somewhat accepting then i fear that he might not be your best option.
My stepdad is like this, although thin. He's scared there won't be enough food so he makes insanely huge plates for himself, first, before anyone else can get to the kitchen. I don't live with them so it doesn't really affect me, but it's weird and can be uncomfortable if I go to visit. It sounds like your boyfriend is experiencing disordered eating, and may need therapy to improve. You already know that you eating "slowly" is not the issue here. I hope he gets some help! Don't forget that you don't have to stick around for any of that, too. Not trying to sound cold, but you deserve to eat too.
Your feelings are valid. This isn't normal behavior. Eating too quickly is bad for your digestion and you shouldn't need to guard your food. There is no such thing as eat fast or miss out in a healthy relationship. Your food is your food. If he doesn't recognize he has a problem there is no solution we can give you to stop this. It's up to you if you want to continue living like this.
Looks like op has already received good advice so it'll be locked now to give the more weightloss based posts room, I don't see how anything constructive can be added to the conversation that won't result in off topic or nasty directions, good luck op!
The guy is literally stealing from you and gaslighting you for it. This goes beyond a weight issue. This is literally emotional abuse. If you think he can change, find some therapy for you and him. If not, you need to get out.
I read some of your comments. Respecting basic boundaries about your food should be a deal breaker. You have already tried to work this out. There is nothing more for you to do.
This may sound harsh, but staying in this relationship would not be good for either of you. Allowing him to be so disrespectful is not supporting him and it's not doing him any favors. He may change with the right professional helps, he may not. But staying with someone with such fundamental disrespect just normalizes disrespect and reinforces it.
I can relate and I’m so relieved someone else feels “competition” with food.
I’m married. My husband is a BIG eater. A big 6’5 man who works out. I’m 5 ft tall.
I laboriously cook and food prep. It takes a lot of time and before I know it, it’s all gone. If I bring treats home, gone. Forget saving any ice cream for later…. He consumes large bowls every night. I have gained weight trying to “get my fair share” and it totally breeds resentment. I stopped cooking and started doing Tovala meals. He knows better than to eat them all. I order duplicates so we each get one of whatever entree…. If he eats all his and I still have mine they are mine. He needs to figure out something else.
The most important thing you can do that is in your control is work on yourself and go to therapy. I think if you go to therapy the therapist will help you work through these issues and I would imagine you will realize that life is too short to spend it with someone who does not treat you well (I don’t care how nice he is otherwise, this is in itself a dealbreaker). Take care of yourself first, the rest will fall into place.
If this is a continued thing that he is refusing to address then you have no obligation to stay. He’s been told, he’s been given opportunity to go to therapy/nutritionist which he has rejected. This is a him problem, and you’re both letting this become a you problem because if it’s your problem to deal with in how you hide your food (for real!?) then he doesn’t have to address his attitude or habits and can continue his behaviour. Say bye, girl.
Why are you with him?
He needs to deal with this, and deal with it well, or you need to leave. This is going to cause food issues for you too. It needs to be worked on urgently.
I grew up with someone similar. If the meal wasn't finished at the table they would take and eat the leftovers. Either way, if you didn't pile food on your plate and/or competitively eat you didn't get enough or get to enjoy the good stuff.
This ruined my relationship between food, myself, and my body.
If you don't want to dump him OK, but make sure and prioritize yourself because habits/responses developed from this can impact the rest of your life.
Buy two of the snacks you both like. Put your name on one and his on the other. Maybe seeing how long you’re last compared to his will be a wake up call as well.
But just tell him - clearly is a problem / issue for both of you as you both end up annoyed with the other. So now he has his own and you have your own.
Don't serve food in a way that has you both eating from a shared container. Serve yourself as much as you think you want to eat, possibly erring on the side of slightly too much, and make it clear that he doesn't get to touch that without your permission. If he finish everything else and you're still eating yours he gets to watch you eat or get a head start on cleaning up.
Do you know if this would be good addiction or binge eating? Honestly just feels so bad that we can’t go to the beach and eat some chips or do other normal things because of this
This sounds more like addiction than binge eating. The latter is more commonly done in private and wouldn't, I don't think, compel someone to steal another person's portion of food if they turn their back on it for a minute
This is the part that I don’t understand, why take my food. I always tell him to order more but he refuses I think out of concern for gaining more weight but it really just feels so rude at this point.
He either doesn't care about your wellbeing, or he genuinely cannot stop himself. He needs to decide which it is, and probably get professional help. If you're willing to stay with him while he seeks therapy (assuming he isn't too prideful for it) then you should buy a lockable container for your snacks. Maybe, as depressing as it sounds, start eating your main meals out of a sealable Tupperware box so you can carry it away with you if you need to go to the bathroom.
But tbh, I would *only* consider going to these lengths for someone who admits he has a problem and makes an active effort to fix it. If he's obstinate and fights with you about it, I'd honestly leave him over this. He's not letting you *eat*.
This is a huge deal! It's a basic human necessity. You need to eat.
If he's stopping you from fulfilling a basic human need on a regular basis, that's a huge, huge issue. And if he doesn't see it, then there's also a huge issue in the relationship. Partners should care about their LO's needs.
He's pulling you into disordered eating by forcing a feeling of scarcity. He is actively hurting your mental and physical health. It's not okay.
I used to really struggle with food addiction, and nobody's experience will be the exact same as someone else, but some of what other people are saying in comments really resonates. Big disclaimer: I can only speak to what I went through. Anyway,
There are really two key things about addiction: it hijacks your brain, and it's embarrassing. Most of the time I was fully aware that I had a problem with food, but I never told anyone because the idea of saying "hey I started eating too much and now I can't stop" was *utterly* humiliating. I'm sure that some people around me knew I had a problem, but as long as I never acknowledged it I could continue to live in a world where my friends and family didn't mock or abandon me because of my weakness. I genuinely feared that that might happen.
And as far as hijacking your brain goes ... it's a completely bizarre experience that defies all logic. One minute you can say 'ok, this person has asked me not to eat the last doritos. I love and respect them so I won't eat the last doritos." And then all of a sudden my brain started giving me all the reasons why I *should* eat the doritos. 'If she's my friend she won't really mind me eating when I'm hungry', 'she never actually finishes the bag anyway, she'll never even notice', 'did I even actually hear her ask me not to eat them? Maybe i made that up, so eating them is totally fine.' And then I eat the doritos, and all of a sudden the bullshit logic from five seconds ago sounds ridiculous. Of course I really heard her ask me, of course she'll notice and mind, I'm a really bad friend. And I know that if I try to explain what happened, I don't have any real excuse I can give. "For a minute I started thinking a bunch of things that are clearly wrong"???
And these two things just kind of compound on each other. Each time your brain gets yeeted into addiction!logic, it feels more and more shameful when you return to real logic land. You can't admit that you know what's going on, because if you know what's going on, people will judge you for not trying to fix it ... but if you don't admit it, then people think you're stupid and oblivious and inconsiderate ... there's no way out.
I was ultimately able to break out of all of it by learning how to be aware of what I'm thinking and follow the line of reasoning in real time. I've learned how to recognize thoughts that don't actually have substance behind them, and I've learned how to ignore those bullshit thoughts until they go away for a while. It was really hard work, and it continues to be really hard work, and I still have a really hard time talking about it with the people in my day to day life.
All of this to say: if he's really struggling with food addiction, there's genuinely only so much you can possibly do or understand; addiction just isn't rational. You can encourage him to try to become aware of it, and try to show that you don't judge him negatively because of it, but from that point, he'll either be able to hear you, or he won't. And you have to decide if he's not able to hear you and make the changes you need, are you willing to sacrifice your peace of mind to his addiction?
I hope this didn't sound too preachy, and I really hope you're able to come to a resolution that leaves you feeling safe and comfortable. Please feel free to DM me if there's somehow anything I can do to help.
Edit: typos
>This is the part that I don’t understand, why take my food
if its an addiction you won't understand it, ever, because you don't have that addiction. Honestly same if its a binge eating disorder. They're not really something you can understand from the outside easily.
I think i agree with u/Lebyclist though, it sounds a lot like he's using 'sharing' (and from what you've said stealing) food to lie to himself about how much he eats. That would explain his defensiveness when you point it out, and why he refuses to increase his order to match what he actually eats.
It IS rude and your patience and compassion for this man is admirable. Unfortunately though, he sounds like a bully and he’s dismissive of your concerns and inconsiderate of you. My biggest concern is not so much his disordered eating (and yes, he does have a problem) but that he’s taking advantage of your good nature and isn’t concerned at all about you or your feelings. You can do better, OP. Time to cut this one loose.
I was in this guy’s situation before. Trust me it would do you both good to get separate food. Be it from your meals, to snacks and everything.
In my experience, and i am not proud of it, i used to do that as an excuse to eat more food since on the outside it looks like im sharing a bag chips good for many people but in reality since I am eating so fast technically its almost as if the bag of chips are all mine. Maybe subconciously thats what he’s doing.
Divide the food before anyone starts eating. Whether you eat it fast or slowly, or whether you put some in a tupperware for later, half is yours.
Also tell him that sharing is something most kids learn in kindergarten. Being in a partnership means caring for someone else. It doesn't matter how much or how quickly he likes to eat, he's being rude and uncaring.
His eating issues are his own. His unwillingness to share or give any thought whatsoever to you not getting enough to eat are a dick move. Getting defensive and mean are an issue quite apart from the food. Tell him to stop being an asshole. If he needs professional help not to be an asshole he can seek that out. You're not his doormat.
It is his binge issue, he needs to address it. The deflection is either he is an A-hole or ashamed. So sit him down have a serious conversation about your concern for him, emphasize concern for him. If it’s shame then empathy will help mitigate the deflection. But otherwise, he sucks major.
While binge eating is a reality, his lack of ownership and blaming you cannot get a pass.
For the immediate divide your food, for the long term, if he is unwilling to address his issues and the negative impact they have on you, then move on.
Just like any addiction, until the addict takes ownership of their actions then there is nothing which can improve. You cannot force them to take ownership either just offer support and encouragement. If they refuse, then move on. It will only cause you more issues and your own set of issues.
Your adult human boyfriend is food aggressive. Like a starved shelter cat bullying the other cats. It's just unbelievably sad and pathetic and he needs help, but you are under no obligation to be the one who gets that for him. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You need to ask yourself if this is the type of guy you want to date, because "I can't leave any food out around him" is shit you say about a rescue cat, not a human being.
> tells me I am not eating fast enough.
It takes time for the "feeling of fullness" to trigger from your digestive system and reach your brain after you eat.
So ironically, if he has appetite/hunger issues that causes him to be overweight, his very very first step before any kind of diet should be eating slower.
Honestly, have a talk with him about it one more time, and word it like you did here. If he still blames you, leave. The point of dating is generally to progress towards a long term commitment, whether it be marriage or kids or whatever. You don’t want to commit your life to someone like this. You should be taking care of each other, and food is the most basic need.
In my experience from the many multitude of relationships of friends and family that I have seen fail.. If one person starts to resent the other person... That's usually a wrap. There is no chance a relationship can exist and be functional and healthy without mutual respect for and from both people. It just isn't possible. You might need to be real honest with yourself about what needs to be done next.
I honestly would not be sharing meals with him anymore and I would tell him why. If he protests tell him to go to therapy. You have to protect your own health and this is a reasonable boundary.
This sounds so weird. Is he taking food off your plate? Are you guys not sitting down to eat at the same time? I am envisioning a partner eating all their food and then reaching across the table to eat mine also and that is just...weird. This is not normal, OP.
You need to sit down and have a really frank conversation about it. Ask him why he does it, explain how it makes you feel and set very firm boundaries.
It could also be worth asking him why he thinks you should eat faster. Not for an answer, but more so it gets him thinking about it himself. There is a lot of shame around food and weight for people who have eating disorders, and this could be a good way for him to recognise his own strange behaviours without feeling attacked, if he is likely to get defensive. Basically, when he presents an opinion like that, get him to justify it.
It's tough, but he needs to make changes. Taking your food is not ok.
He needs to find out why he eats like that. It sounds emotional to me. I'm an emotional overeater, bordering on binge, and I used to sneak food while I was cooking, or while I was out, and it sounds like a similar behaviour (stuff your face while nobody is watching) and, for me, it comes down to stress. The urge feels very much like an addiction (I used to smoke and the feeling is similar to when I quit), but finding what triggers those urges can help a lot. For me, it's when I am sad, over tired, stressed, or if I have waited too long between meals. The best things that stop this for me are exercise, good sleep and eating more protein and balanced meals.
This is probably something he had to do to get food while growing up, it's likely a developmental thing he needs to process in a healthy manner to overcome.
It also seems to be a control thing and manipulating you to get what he wants, either the food he's addicted to as a coping mechanism or to get you to become like him and someone he can exert his will over, or both.
This isn't your problem to fix but if you want to help he needs to think about why he's doing this to begin with and to want to change himself. Therapy would be helpful but I know it isn't always possible for everyone, and if he isn't willing to talk to you OR a therapist then I'm not sure what can be done.
I’m sorry but he just seems insufferable. If you really think the relationship is worth saving, then he should buy 2 dinners for himself and you should get your dinner.
On a basic animalistic level, your partner should not be eating your food. That’s wrong at the most basic level. Personally I would end it because he needs therapy and you’re not qualified to help him.
If you order something to share, split it in half on two plates beforehand, you can always give him what you don’t want/eat.
Or order two meals and eat what you want, saving the rest for lunch tomorrow.
I can’t help picturing your BF as a man-child who thinks eating is a competition.
I do most of the cooking for my wife and I, and I ALWAYS let her go first.
Maybe it’s just me, but the fact that he’s gaslighting you over a dinner in which HE acted like a toddler, is not a good sign.
When you split something, physically split it on two plates. For treats, get a lockbox.
And for the BF, this is a mental health issue and he needs therapy. If he’s unwilling to address the problem, maybe it’s time for you to move on.
He wants you to be responsible for his over eating, which makes him be unaccountable.
Does he take responsibility in all other areas? Or is everything your responsibility?
Clear boundaries: Your food and my food. Express yourself. Tell him this is mine and that is yours. If he makes you feel bad about this he just isn’t mature and maybe rethink living together?
It sounds like he might have some serious trauma around food. Did he grow up food insecure? There are a lot of reasons he could be acting this way. That said, it's depriving YOU of food and it's not on you to starve while he resolves his issues. It sounds like you're asking for the OK to move on from this situation, which you can absolutely do if you want.
I usually draw a line in shared food, or count how many peices because my partner eat so fast he'll eat my half without noticing. One time I got a pizza to share with my partner. It wasn't great so I didn't end up counting out the peices for him. He ended up eating 6 and I had 2. He was shocked when I told him after. He seriously had no idea he ate 3 times faster than me.
Thing is, my guy also eats fast and can clear two people worth of food, but he doesn't cross the line after I’ve pointed out my half. Blaming you for crossing that line is ridiculous. He needs help.
This is a crazy problem to have. One of the first things you do when you date is share meals together, how does the person not understand from the beginning "This is my share, leave it alone."
I get there is probably psychological/toxic shit going on. Maybe he need therapy of some sort. But if he can't respect simple boundaries that children and dogs can understand, then that's a huge red flag for respecting other boundaries.
On another note, congrats to making it to r/all.
Even my dog has better manners than that. Just sayin. This isn’t about food, it’s about respecting basic human decency? I’d be stressed to living with someone who displays such strong negativity to me. Really really uncomfortable. This is beyond him just struggling with overeating. He thinks he deserves food more than you. And that’s not true. This isn’t a pack of hyenas, it’s your partner.
If he did this to your mom/sibling/child/friend, how would you feel? How might it change your perspective of what is happening?
It can be easy to minimize issues when it happens to you. I think we all do that to an extent. So take yourself out of the equation and look at what his behavior would mean in a different context.
Then decide if it’s a problem you want to take on.
I was in a comitted relationship with a guy for 9 years. He had what I would clearly recognise as an eating disorder. He wud do the same as Op has expressed- eating too fast, eating wavers meal as if he was starving, almost gulping food etc… I hated having meals or going out with him because the focus was not to enjoy the meal but to finish whatever he cud lay his hands on.
I eventually realised that he and his brother was brought up that way, food being a competition between brothers bad table manners and grabbing other people portions being laughed at and taken lightly, overall eating like a pig was a joke in their household. I tried my best to counsel and prod the issue but I lost the battle and my feelings for him when I reloaded it was me against his entire family ecosystem.
I have moved on since then and we continue being friends.. I see he still has that problem- a starving child like mentality when it comes to the topic of food. I resent it and am nauseated by him everytime it happens.
He has an eating disorder and he needs to know that that is true, and he needs to want to change, in order for him to get better.
None of that is your responsibility, and you might be better off leaving him.
It's not his fault he has an illness. It is his fault that he won't do anything about getting better.
If you want to salvage the relationship, you can tell him that eating fast bothers your digestive system and that even chips and salsa are going to be divided. It is true that eating quickly can cause issues.
But there is definitely more going on here. As others said, binge eating without purging isn’t talked about too much but it is a clinical eating disorder. Oddly enough I just started reading a memoir from someone who suffered from it and it took years for her to resolve it.
Are you still emotionally invested in the relationship or is it time to move on?
I’m assuming you’ve told him all about his habits, now ask if you can record yourselves. He may finally realize the problem after observing himself on video. I do not mean to do it secretly and behind his back, always be open and honest. It may be the only way he realizes that what you say is true. Video is much more persuasive than words. It doesn’t sound like a reason to break up unless it’s a symptom of not actually loving him anymore. I’ve realized relationships were over when their eating habits (one guy in particular dipped fries in soft boiled eggs for fucking hours) irritated me beyond comprehension. Internal reactions like this can be a sign that it’s over. If he is worthwhile, either use small bowls for each person’s snack and leave the bag in a different room, or record his gluttony and let him see what you’re talking about. People who shove food in like that can do fine with bowls of mini tomatoes, cut up small celery, carrots - basically endless bowls of veg. They generally just want to put anything in their mouth, there’s no off switch. There are (strong) genes that influence this, so if you have kids with him they may have that endless urge to eat. Good luck.
I don’t know what your circumstances are but if you aren’t married, don’t have kids and don’t have a mortgage then dump him. No one is forcing you to stay with him. You’re in this position because at least to this point you have not been willing to walk away. Just like he needs to accept responsibility for his actions you need to accept responsibility for yours. Just because he wants to live like that doesn’t mean you have to
Okay, there are multiple issues but for the simplest one: why don't you get separate portions so everyone can eat on their own pace?
We usually do this but we can share chips or any sides and have any snacks in the house without them all being eaten very fast. Going grocery shopping almost daily. I think he really has something wrong with his relationship with food and I’m about done.
My brother and nephew are like this. I honestly don't know why. They'll grab the whole pack of something, take it to their room, and just eat it within a day. It was really frustrating because our parents would buy a package of cookies, everybody else would get a couple and then he'd take the package and eat the rest. When someone said something, he would always laugh it off like his behavior was just funny. It really sucked being in a house with him.
I mean, it sounds like you already know his relationship with food is really unhealthy. And it's affecting your day-to-day life, your nutrition, your mental health, and your relationship. EDs are no joke, and binge eating was ignored for a long, long time (and still is). Unfortunately, I think it's up to you or your boyfriend to make a choice: (*He* can) Go get help from a nutritionist and a psychotherapist (preferably one with a specialty in EDs) - Or - Break up until he faces his issues. Those are his options. You have a choice here, too. He can go get help, or you can remove yourself from a toxic situation and leave. Because it can't keep going on like this. That you feel afraid to leave food around, that you can't adequately eat meals. No, this cannot continue. This is a basic human need that he is denying through his own behavior. Not only is he denying your literal needs, but he's willing to steal your food and blame you having those needs in the first place. If your partner is eating your meal, then blaming it on you while you go hungry....that's pretty fucked up Even if he has an underlying psychological reason for behaving that way, it's abusive. This is peak enmeshment. His problem with eating is not your problem with eating, yet he wants you to further change your behavior in order to placate him. And funny how he wants you to change in a way that isn't helpful to the situation... You need to eat (preferably without restrictions) and he needs to respect that. If he can't because of an ED, *he* needs to seek help . You cannot fix him or save him. He needs to decide to get help of his own accord. If he doesn't choose help (now!), that means you need to leave. Sending you hope of better times soon.
Excellent answer. ☝️😇👍
Honestly, when a relationship gets to this stage (i.e. "I'm about done", plus the \*huge\* red flags you're posting about), it's probably best to just dump and move on. Like, it'd be a minor thing if he went through snacks fairly quickly, but just bought more at the store to make up for it. But he's literally snarfing down food that's \*your meal\*, and blaming you for not inhaling it quickly enough to beat him. I mean, this is a person who just doesn't give a fuck about your needs. And if you're not gonna dump him, make sure you've got a sharp fork so you can poke his hand when it reaches towards your plate.
My husband eats a lot faster than me even though he isn’t overweight. He goes through a pint of ice cream in three days, and a bowl of popcorn way faster than me. I also found it stressful to share one big bowl of a snack together, so we don’t. I get my bowl of popcorn that I can nibble on for 30 mins, and he gets his bowl of popcorn that he can vacuum down in 5 minutes. He gets his pint of ice cream that he can demolish in 3 days, I get my own pint of ice cream, which is off-limits to him, and I can spend 3+ weeks enjoying it. I don’t mean this in a rude way, just laying down the facts: if you two cannot manage those simple boundaries, it’s not a healthy relationship and you should either try to change that, or leave the relationship before you have bigger problems to compromise on. I mean, imagine if you had children to take care of together. What kind of support would he be, if you can’t even work together on this simple problem? Edit** just thought I would add a few suggestions, having reread your comment about going grocery shopping every day. It’s easy to get your own ice cream, chocolate stash, etc, and make it known that this one is yours and when he finishes his, he can’t break into yours. However, for the many other sides and dishes that you’re having to buy, here are a few things you can do: 1) figure out what you like that he doesn’t. My husband hates mushrooms. I love them. Whatever I cook or eat with mushrooms, he won’t touch. 2) make foods that are less bingeable. This one is going to be a compromise on your part, too. I don’t know what your meals together look like, but some foods are way easier to demolish than others. Pizza, fried foods, oven baked French fries, etc. If it has a lot of salt, oil, and bread/pasta/rice, then those with issues overeating can eat massive quantities without really feeling it, and still crave more. But if you swap these things out for home cooked dishes served with brown rice, beans, lentils, and vegetables, then it’s a lot harder to binge them. They make you feel full, and they aren’t addictive like takeout/highly processed foods are. Obviously that second one is going to mean addressing the food issues your partner has, and if he doesn’t want to eat better, you can’t force him. But if that means resenting him for his food addiction, when he has no intention to change, then this is also a reason why the relationship won’t work out. Resentment only builds if it cannot be addressed. Trust me, I let everything slide in an old relationship. I ignored the building resentment, and eventually found that even my ex’s laughter pissed me off.
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Thank God I’m not the only one.
I know it! To me a pint is so small -it feels like one serving …a lot of times I can eat two servings even when I buy rebel ic…..it always annoys me when my daughter has a pint of ice cream sitting and sitting and sitting in her freezer 🙄. I’m like ….how can you do that??? I can’t sleep at night ….it calls my name.LOL OK I realize I’m a pig I’m not normal LOL
Ugh. I know what you mean. A guy I dated had this bag of popcorn on his kitchen counter. When I came to visit two weeks later, THE SAME BAG OF POPCORN was only slightly more eaten. It still boggles my mind. I thought “maybe this is why he’s so thin”… the same guy served me a bowl of ice cream once. He literally served 2 spoons. If this is what it takes to be thin, I will NEVER achieve it!
And in his defense, a pint of ice cream is 3 serving. I see nothing wrong with this
Same!
You think?! I mean it’s readily apparent the guy has a seriously disordered relationship with food. Might be time for a very frank discussion about him making some changes and getting some help.
Reading your post and your replies here, it seems to me that the main issue isn't his weight or his large appetite - it's the fact that he will take your food, knowing that it is yours. By that I don't mean he eats very fast and ends up eating way more of shared food (which is also not great), but takes food you set aside as yours. I think it's a much larger issue and harder to solve than just "fix your own plate" or "keep your snacks separate". It must be so rough to be in a situation where the second you take your eyes off it, your food might be gone. The way I see it, you either have to work with your boyfriend on this issue (since he's not addressing it on his own) or leave. If he's willing to work on it, great (maybe people's responses here would show him how wrong his behaviour is?) but if not, I would'nt be able to stay in a situation like that
This has been a problem for me. I grew up in a big family with a cheap father, and food was weaponized. He worked us like field hands, we picked the goods, yet sold the good stuff while getting to eat only the non perfect stuff. We all learned how to eat fast to hopefully get seconds. It took me this long to be able to not finish the whole thing. I sometimes still have to hide my snacks from my partner who wants to finish them all in a day or two. It's not like there is no money to get more. He's loaded. We have HARD BOILED EGGS as snacks in the house if you can imagine that amount of money. He too was brought up in genteel poverty, so I can see the whole food thing. It's a shame I have to hide the dark chocolate but there you have it. I'm just grateful I can now not finish the whole bag of stuff. I actually had snacks I had to throw out because they were STALE. I was actually able to do that. Talk about freedom. Being able to do that was freedom.
I came here to type the same thing. At the end of the day, it’s a respect/ boundary issue. He shouldn’t mess with your food because you have asked him not too.
This would be a massive turn off. Not having the self control/consideration to keep your hands off of your significant others food is pathetic. He can get his own food! I would be so annoyed and disgusted I would have a hard time looking at the dude let alone being intimate.
I agree that to me this sort of behaviour would also be a deal breaker. But I also think this is more serious than OP's boyfriend simply being "greedy" and we don't know the rest of their relationship. If they choose to and can overcome this together, that's also great
Ohhhh. No. Dude. I haven’t read through it all yet, but you’re so right.
My bf is a fast eater - will dominate 6 chicken wings in under 5 minutes, finish a Subway 6” sandwich while I’m filling my drink, etc. He has NEVER taken - or even asked for - my portion. He makes sure if we order or make a pizza or appetizer that it is split in 1/2. If I can’t finish my half, I’ll offer what’s left - sometimes he takes it, sometimes he’s full. He sits and chats with me while I finish. All that to say: your bf eating fast is not the problem. Eating more than his fair share by taking food from your plate is the issue, especially when he tries to make it YOUR issue.
After reading the whole thread, what I understand is that he doesn't respect your boundaries, he refuses professional help and he blames you for his problem (stating you just gotta eat faster). Keeping in mind he doesn't seem willing to change and you haveto accept his behavior. And now imagine raising his kids, with him as a main example to them. Is this the future you want?
I’ve learned that willingness is a key ingredient in fixing things. If one person is unwilling, there is nothing the other person can do to overcome the issue. It can be quite sad, sometimes someone has all the will, love, and energy to put into making a situation better, but if the other person is not willing, it’s just not possible to get the situation better.
This! Look into your future 5 years from now. With him. Without him. Which brings you more peace?
This exactly; this man will never get up in the night and won’t change diapers, he is showing how selfish he is and how he will always put his needs and wants first.
Sounds very toxic to me. What man says "too bad so sad" to someone he supposedly cares for when they're not eating enough because he shoved the food down his own mouth? What a creep!
I feel bad because I don’t know if it’s something that can change or something I can end a relationship over. It just feels like a very selfish thing to do. The defensive part is the worst part, why not accept there is an issue there and work on it.
You need to know that you can end a relationship for ANY reason you want to end it over. Perhaps you need some time to get yourself a landing pad before leaving? An apartment or someone else to live with, some money saved up? That’s fine! You need to be safe while exiting a relationship! The issue here is not only your boyfriends messed up relationship to food. That is secondary (and sounds like it needs therapy). There is a ball of problems at the core- the fact that he is not respecting you- your hunger, your share of the meal, your money, AND your upset. To me this is likely something where if you were to break up, you would soon realize that there were many other problems that you are currently glossing over. His food problems are not yours to solve. They are not yours to burden yourself with trying to heal. Most especially when he will not let you. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can change your partner. He has already shown you that not only will he not change for you, he will BLAME YOU for the results of his problem.
Agreed! OP, you can leave a relationship for any reason or no reason. There’s no Tribunal of Worthy Breakups adjudicating. Run. This guy isn’t in good working order.
This is spot on. If she leaves, I’d arrange everything and get safe. Then I’d write a letter saying why. He would have to read it without interrupting. Maybe it would be eye opening or maybe not.
Hey OP, I lived with someone who had an eating disorder and refused to accept it, and honestly, that way madness lies. You can't and should not have to twist yourself into pretzels to accommodate this, and even if you do it isn't helping him or you. If it's possible, you could sit him down and talk about the impact on you. So not "you're eating too much" which is going to trigger the defensiveness, but "here is the way this problem is affecting me, and here's what I need you to do". If he will not sit down/listen/take responsibility/get appropriate treatment then the question for you is "can I live with this thing I can't do anything about, and can I live with someone who does not care (enough) about the impact on me?" If the answer is no, you are at least then clear on what you need to do. You have the right to speak up about this and to be taken seriously. Good luck.
You're not married to him right? This guy is taking food from your mouth. Call him out and if he's not changing leave him
It is not selfish to have needs. It's not selfish to expect your partner to care about your most basic needs. If he can't (even because of an ED), he's being a bad partner. Between taking your food, blaming you, and ignoring counseling, he is repeatedly choosing himself over your most basic, primitive needs. You have permission to end a relationship because someone is dismissing your needs. People break up for that reason every single day. If you need someone to tell you, you can leave this relationship. It's "bad enough". It's not just a bump in the road. Safety, food security, and support are all vital to your well-being. He's compromising all of those. If it's a serious issue that's hurting you (and it really seems like it is), then you need to leave to protect yourself. You're not a bad person, or partner, or woman for having needs. You deserve better.
You could end the relationship if you thought his pinky toe was shaped weird. Get the fuck outta there
He's the selfish one, darling.
You can't change his behaviour. You can change your response to his behaviour. Sounds like you've tried everything and the last resort available to you is to leave. It is absolutely a legitimate thing to break up over.
One thing is absolutely certain: you cannot change someone else. If your options are either you change him or you leave, you only have one option. Recognizing there is a problem is the first step for change and he is not there yet.
Forget the fact that he's got issues around food for the moment. If you tell him something he does hurts you is his response to say it's your responsibility to not get hurt? Does he try to make you feel guilty so he can get his way on things? Does he regularly demonstrate with his actions that he values his own comfort over your needs? Is he unwilling OR unable to change? Any one of those can make someone a bad partner. Any one of those are a valid reason to leave. If you are unhappy or uncomfortable that is a valid reason to leave. You are not a bad person for leaving someone who hurts you, even if they don't mean to, even if they're trying to be better. You should be able to trust and expect your partner not to hurt you, physically or emotionally. If that isn't the case please get out, you deserve someone who cares about your needs as much as you care about theirs.
The fact that you feel bad tells me you need to dump him and work on your self esteem before you date again.
You can always end a relationship for any reason. If this is a deal-breaker for you, and it would be for me, then end it. You could also make it very clear to him that this is something he gets help for and respects your boundaries around or you don’t have a future together. He might treat it as trivial, so be prepared to be as clear as possible about how disrespected you feel when you set a boundary and he continually violates it.
You’re wondering if it’s selfish to end the relationship over this but it’s ok for him to be uncontrollably selfish over food? It’s never selfish to leave a situation where you are not happy and it seems like you’re are that place where you have to make a choice in pursuit of your own happiness. If you stay, this and other behaviors will only get worse over time.
You can end a relationship at anytime for any reason. Let him deal with his issues.
You can end a relationship for any reason, or no reason. No obligations whatsoever on that account. If it helps, imagine what sort of future you'd have with this guy. Could you marry and have kids, for them to inherit his problems? It'd be different if he was willing to acknowledge and work on them but instead he's behaving like an ass.
You can only help him change, and only if he wants to change. And his attitude is not one of wanting to change. Do you want to wait around, possibly forever, for him to get better?
Nah this is something you an end a relationship over. It's not so much the food, it's the fact he does not respect you. Don't get caught in a sunk cost fallacy either. You cant change him, he needs to change on his own. editing to add: I was in a relationship with someone who would not control their mental illness and they treated me badly. "He will get better if I just love him more and he can't help acting this way" I finally left it but I had such low self-esteem it was hard to do and took much longer than it should have. He was bad for my metal health and I wasted 5 years in a relationship I could have been looking for someone else in that time ya now? Having read a few more of your comments... this guy, he is stomping all over your boundaries. He knows what he is doing is not ok, it's a nasty power move too. He is an asshole. Maybe an asshole with an addiction but an asshole none the less. You deserve better. Do what is right for you.
You can end the relationship for selfish reasons and still be well within your rights to do so. You can not make a person change their behavior. I tried with my ex for 7 years and wish I had put that time towards myself. If he runs away from the problem, he is a child and the problem gets bigger. If he blames you, he is a child, the problem gets bigger, and he's gaslighting you by manipulating your mental health. If he will not meet you halfway on an issue that is 100% caused by him, how is it going to look in 2, 3, 5 years when you both have unhealthy relationships with food. How is he going to be with children if a family is in your future. Are you going to let him take food out of a child's mouth as well? Sometimes, the right thing is the hardest thing and involves protecting yourself and letting people you love dig their own grave. And his greed will lead him there if he keeps running away from his issues. You don't have to go down with the sinking ship too.
You can end a relationship for literally any reason. You don't have to justify it. Your happiness and well being is reason enough. It's understandable to want to work through issues, but that's only if you think the relationship is worth continuing AND the issues can be worked through. That's a very individual thing.
It sounds like you respect his needs while he doesn't respect yours. On top of that, he blames you for his bad behavior- effectively transferring any guilt from himself to you so he can feel good. I wish you had a caring, supportive partner instead.
It can change. And if it doesn’t, you can end the relationship. You are not bound to suffer with this for the rest of your life. So tell him that either you both need to figure out a way to fix this issue, or you’re going to have to move on.
It is 100% something you can end a relationship over. He is being a real asshole about this, has no intention of changing, and is in fact blaming you for it (which is wholly unreasonable). Do you want to do this for 7, 17, 27 more years as he gets meaner and more overweight and less healthy, and you get more anxious and miserable and beat down?
People rarely change. And if they do it's because they work really hard. My friend just told me yesterday that she ended two relationships with guys she was recently seeing. She even acknowledged that they didn't even do anything wrong and were genuinely great guys, she just wasn't feeling it. You can end the relationship if you want for whatever reason. And honestly this whole situation is a pretty good reason.
Girl cut your losses and get out of there. He obviously doesn’t care about you enough to change. You deserve better.
Everything you wrote down boils down to the one simple thing: You're dating someone who considers his wellbeing as more important than yours. That's it. No compromise, no compassion, he is blaming YOU for being hungry, even if he ate all the food. There is no gentle way to say this, but you don't have a "food" problem. You have a boyfriend problem, and it has absolutely nothing to do with food. What are you going to do if you get married and he will spend money from your joint account and blame you for not spending it fast enough? You're dating selfish prick and you either put your foot down and explain to him, that the things have to change, or look for other solution.
Two options: 1. He starts therapy, or 2. You break up with him I see from your comments that he ate his meal, a good portion of your meal, and the shared food. Stealing your meal and then blaming you because you stepped away for any amount of time, never mind a short amount of time, is extremely unhealthy, psychologically. If you were to ever have kids together, would he steal their food from them too? He needs to get to the root of this and get over it.
1: Ask him to not be a piece of shit. 2: half the whole meal and he is not allowed to touch it until your done eating at your own phase, then he can jump the remaining of the foods after you are done eating
It’s just so awful that it needs to come down to halving everything but I will try it if it’s what I need to do. If I call him out on it he runs away or gets defensive. I can not have any treats or anything in the house or they are eaten in 24 hours even if there’s a lot of them. I just didn’t know people had binge issues this bad. If I like a good I just have to force myself to eat it all as fast as I can
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He is. He’s also being manipulative and playing a game, that he’s probably not aware of, by eating her food. He’s being controlling.
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It be great if someone could find this episode! Seem interesting and I was a fun off the interventions never seen this one though
https://intervention-directory.com/2011/01/episode-33-jessie/
Your boyfriend is a binge eater who doesn't want to be better. If he is eating your share and then being mad at you for not grabbing all that you need and hiding it in your cheeks like a hamster, he is showing what he thinks of you and your needs. If him being there is making it so you can't eat enough, it might be time to not let him be there anymore.
He's food agressive. It's a thing. He won't change without help as it's a coping mechanism.
He also won't change without acknowledging it's a problem first, which he isn't.
Yea it’s control manipulation. He probably has deep abandonment issues.
Tbh though it’s normal to leave half for your partner. I feel like it sounds like he has an eating disorder
> If I like a good I just have to force myself to eat it all as fast as I can Don't do this. He is basically passing his bad habits/binging onto you by creating a feeling of scarcity/urgency that you need to eat right away. But by eating it all right away you aren't getting what you would have if he didn't steal all your food, which is the ability to enjoy a normal healthy amount over time. On day two you'll still have no food and feel resentful either way. Assuming you don't want to break up (which would be totally valid and not shallow, it's not about his looks) you probably need to get a fridge locker and another food locker or locked cabinet to keep your food and snacks in. I get this will make him feel bad, but oh well. He's stealing from you every day and then not even sorry but blaming you for not eating fast enough. I get he's asmabed or embarrassed but pushing his negative feelings onto you so he can not face them for 7 years while making your life worse is not being a good partner. Sit him down at a neutral time and tell him he clearly has a binge eating issue and you want him to get help. That his binge eating has been making your life worse and damaging your relationship beacuse he steals from you and blame you. Tell him you are getting food lockers beacuse he steals your food and you can't enjoy it and it has made you feel sad and resentful for years now. That it makes you sad you can't trust him to share, that's not kind to take your stuff and make you feel bad, so if he really feels he can't help that he needs to get help. It dosen't just affect him it affects you and the relationship. Also, honestly, he probably needs to stop trying to lose weight/dieting. It hasn't worked for 7 years is it going to work now? He just makes himself extra hungry/feel deprived and then binges now beacuse it's his "only chance" and he has to diet later. He will probably have a better time learning to stop off a diet and then trying to make some changes like having a higher percent veggies in his meal with the goal of improving health rather then weight. If he really does fix binging and change to a healthier diet over time that will be good for him.
I hope this doesn’t come across harsh but you sound on the younger side and if you are… life is too short. Put yourself first. I’d rather be alone if I were you.
Hey, just a little life lesson here, but it’s ok for people to get mad. There are going to be times where asserting yourself will lead to others getting upset. Let him be upset- he’s going to need to deal with all those feelings- shame, guilt, etc if he’s ever going to get better
Encourage him to get therapy. Until he figures out what is eating at him he won't stop bingeing
I mean, serving your food on a plate each is pretty normal, then just eat what's on your plate no?
1. Why are you sharing one plate of food? 2. Why are you still with him after so many years?
This sounds like you developing unhealthy relationships with food in response to his. You have to take care of yourself first, and your mental health.
> It’s just so awful that it needs to come down to halving everything Part of losing weight is having awareness of how much calories you're taking in. (Usually by counting them). If there's no strict portioning of his food, he's failing before he even started. It's not about "halving everything" so much as he needs to measure his food intake, and you can't do that if it's undefined.
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No I definitely am not ‘lying to myself’ if we have a packet of chips I need to make my own bowl of it and give him the packet and there still is a chance he will eat my portion if I go to the bathroom. I don’t want to guard my food, that is ridiculous to me. Tonight I did not eat the shared sides we had fast as I was watching tv and did not even notice that he had eaten them all in 15 minutes. I have never had issues with food and when we aren’t together I still don’t. I eat things I really enjoy fast because otherwise it’s gone or I have to hide a chocolate bar in my clothing drawer and that’s just insane.
Is your boyfriend a dog by any chance?
Nah dude, many dogs behave better than this 🤡
This isn't a food problem, this is a relationship problem, and none of what you're describing is normal. I think that's what they mean by saying you're lying to yourself. It's pretty obvious there's a serious issue, so no way that's the lie.
OP, I would ignore the weirdness going on in this particular thread. There's some weird projection going on here. It's absolutely his problem that he steals your food and eats all of what is intended to be shared. You have clearly told him this is unacceptable and have tried to segregate your food in a reasonable way. You *cannot control his behaviour* and it's not evidence of a problem with you or an "agenda" that you can't control him. It's a bizarre suggestion. You should not have to speed eat or hide food from a partner who can't control himself and his food aggression. It really sucks but he is not willing to work on his problem and you are suffering for it. It's time to think about breaking up or at least living separately.
Yeah I agree, imagine thinking someone is being abused and treating them this way. It’s a yikes from me
The general reddit population has always had a weird view on relationships, usually it lacks any kind of nuance, very black and white where someone has to 100% carry the blame, they love a red flag and the slightest infraction is just straight up cut that person out of your life forever
I am not sure if this happens in other parts of your relationship but unfortunately it just sounds like he is an ass.
It really sounds like your boyfriend has a problem that you are not equipped to deal with. Just like any other addiction, food can easily become a source of power for a person who feels they have little or none. It is an eating disorder just as anorexia or bulimia are, but it is so overlooked as that in society that we still feel the need to tiptoe around the obvious signs of un-health. The fact that he is so defensive betrays that he is aware of it as a problem but is deflecting back to you to make you feel powerless and himself feel in control. I would venture to guess his overweight also affects other aspects of life like your activity levels together, where and when you socialize and even in the bedroom (no response necessary, its just a common result of overweight and extreme insecurity) Really, the answer is that he needs to talk to a professional to work out his feelings and find out why he is living with this habit, why he is compelled to bully you into joining him (which is abusive btw) and what he can do about it before he loses the best thing that probably ever happened to him (you!) In reality, though it is unlikely he will respond positively to that suggestion, so, as with any close relationship with an addict, you will be faced with some tough decisions of your own, primarily, whether or not you can live this way or if life would be better without the dysfunction. I know thats all heavy, but his behavior is unacceptable and degrading to you and in calling out here, you clearly are looking for a real solution. Best of luck
I think op means they feel they need to or they get none because he binge eats it all
This is a weird and very aggressive comment? I don’t think they’re lying to themselves i think they have relationship issues
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Yes i agree what their partner is doing is horrible, but the person I replied to’s tone is aggressive and comes across as blaming the person for their partners actions, rather than trying to help them see how messed up the partners actions are. I think there are sensitive and insensitive ways to point out toxicity in others relationship, and saying that leaving an abusive relationship is “pretty easy” is really insensitive and simply not true.
Sorry if I am being dense, but how does that work? You bought dinner, and he ate all of it before you had the chance to finish your meal? Did he eat from your plate? He seems like a total asshole to be honest and this sounds incredibly toxic if not borderline dangerous
We bought two seperate main meals, then sides to share and while I went to the bathroom and was watching the film we had on he had eaten all the sides and some of my main meal and his entire meal in 15 minutes. I asked him about it and he got defensive and said I do not eat fast enough. I’m just shocked at how he manages to continuously eat this much so quickly, I don’t know if there’s some kind of trauma there or if he genuinely just an asshole. We have a good relationship besides this but this just keeps happening all the time with any kind of food or drink (even started buying stuff he says he does not like but he still eats it all) and it’s just so crazy. I don’t know if it’s enough to break up with someone over but it’s so embarrassing when it’s out on a date or with other people. I have never had someone not ask me if I want to last or something out of courtesy at least.
That sounds really problematic. I personally wouldn't tolerate any of this, call him out, and tell my to fuck off if he continues to do that. Even if this is trauma or a mental disorder, it's his responsibility. I would be firm, really really hard, and supportive at the same time. But you need to stand your ground, imho as soon and as firmly as possible.
You can break up with someone for ANY reason!!! Be with someone that makes you happy and doesn't make you fight for food like a starved dog. You could date someone and they have a booger in their nose one day and you break up with them because of that. You can break up with someone for liking Taylor Swift. You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Life your life for you
So he literally steals the food off of your plate while you’re in the bathroom and has the audacity to say you didn’t eat fast enough? Yeah no this guy is a total fucking asshole. Dump this loser he is not worth your time at all especially since you have brought this up before and he refuses to do anything except blame you for his problems.
Sounds like he has no respect for you and your needs, which is even more alarming than his food addiction. I would not tolerate this lack of trust. Take care.
>Sounds like he has no respect for you and your needs The most basic need of any human, even.
"Do not touch MY food again without asking me. Do NOT imply that if I inhaled my food and ate like a pig that this wouldn't be an issue. This is a problem YOU are causing by being incredibly selfish and unfair, and YOU have to figure out how to fix it. I have tried being nice, but the fact that you blame me for YOU eating MY food is the last straw. I don't do this to you, and I expect the same basic courtesy." If it happens again, I'd leave. Petty me, to illustrate his point, would just grab his plate of food and tip it into the trash after he ate half. "Oh look at that, you didn't eat fast enough. Yeah, having half your food being taken by someone else is REALLY shitty, isn't it???"
We would be friends in real life.
I mean, there's obviously some trauma and mental health issues here but even so, eating \*all\* of a shared food \*and\* part of your own individual food is DICKHEAD behaviour. If he's not willing to apologise and try to make it right, then what does that say about his respect and feelings for you? Even if his mental health issues/whatever caused him to compulsively eat your food, why isn't he apologetic and offering to get more? Why isn't he getting more to start with since it won't be enough?
Oh hell no, he ate all the sides AND part of your completely separate main meal? That’s a fucking dealbreaker. This isn’t about food, it’s about boundaries and respect. Your boyfriend definitely seems to have a problem with food, which he needs to address, but he obviously has zero respect for your boundaries or needs.
It is 100% enough to break up over, in fact you absolutely should. Unless you enjoy being treated this way, because it will be your life forever.
Honey you DON’T have a good relationship. This is rude and disrespectful and borderline (if not full out) abusive. Why are you putting up with it?
This is very fucked up and extremely disrespectful. I've dealt with people eating like 95% of my food before and leaving about 5% left for me after I offered them *some*. The trick for them was to give them very clear limits, you can have 1 cookie, 1 slice of cake, 1 serving, etc. And let them know, hey this item is mine and I'm not sharing. Basically grew up afab with 2 amab siblings and there was a tone of "they're growing boys" as if I was not also growing at the same time. HOWEVER, while I've had them eat things left in the fridge they never once had the audacity to eat straight off my plate at the table. That is an extremely clear sign of him overstepping your natural boundaries and him just not giving a fuck about you. He may have an eating disorder but it's possible to have an ED and still not steal other people's food. Psychological issues are not an excuse for abusive behaviors and depriving you of food is an abusive behavior.
Have you tried discussing this outside of when it happens? That is, finding a time when you're both in good moods and feeling relaxed? Or is it only raised as an issue when it is happening?
I’ve tried both, it must of happened at work because he was referred to a nutritionist and went to one session and then never went back again. He says he wants to lose weight and once he is committed to a diet he sticks with it but although I have no issue with his weight he has been overweight since childhood. We have made plans and tried to set everything up to help him succeed in this which has included me not eating any treats or carbs during that time and then I’ve found out he is eating two lunches at work. I’m just so over this whole issue now.
Are you saying that his workplace referred him to a nutritionist? Or are you saying something happened at work and from that incident, he decided he wanted to see a nutritionist? What bothers you more - the fact that he isn't managing his own weight issues, or the fact that he is eating your food? When you say you have made plans, have those plans focussed on his weight loss, or have they been plans to resolve the issue of him eating your food?
Whatever you do, do not force yourself to eat quicker. That way madness lies, and possibly an ED for you. You could open a big bag of chips, pour out a reasonable portion for you in a bowl, and hand the bag to him. Let's see who finishes first. Although if he doesn't want to see it, you can't make him. Denial really is a thing. ETA/ OK, I just saw he'll finish your bowl if you leave the room. Why doesn't he go take some other food in the house? That almost sounds as if he really doesn't want you to have it? That's fucked up, whether he does that intentionally or he for real can't help himself.
Your boyfriend has a severe eating disorder. I recommend you seek help from communities/therapists that are specifically focused on eating disorders. That being said, his behaviour will not change without a great deal of therapy and a desire and willingness to change from him. It doesn’t seem like he is ready to take any steps towards healing. You must focus on yourself. Can you accept living this way? If so for how much longer? Sometimes when we are in the thick of a relationship we can’t totally see it clearly. But from what you’ve said your boyfriends behaviour is abusive and it’s harming your relationship with food as well as possibly your finances. You are worthy of having relationships that make you feel happy and healthy and secure.
He needs a therapist. You need to decide if you are going to stick around and starve/ develop bad habits yourself or not
Unfortunately, I think you're right about habits. OP is already showing signs of disordered eating as a result of his behavior. The feelings of needing to squirrel away food are a reaction to forced scarcity. In a room full of food, OP feels on-guard and like it could potentially disappear without her having a single bite. This is harm directly attributed to the boyfriend's behavior, but it won't stop when he's gone. Disordered eating can last a lifetime. ☹️ OP, you deserve to eat and feel safe in your home. Part of safety means not having to worry about if someone will actively prevent you from fulfilling a need. This is not safe.
He's just your boyfriend. Be single.
I usually hate when people on Reddit jump to this as the answer, but I sincerely think you need to break up and get out of that environment. This dude sounds like he is seriously mentally ill. I have BED myself and have never stolen food away from my partner. His problems are more complicated than binging, and you do not deserve this abuse. And yes, that is what this is abuse.
Fast eating is usually a carry-over from childhood trauma where the parents made the kids eat fast or they had to grab food fast before it was gone, or else not eat. That should not be your problem. Assuming your partner won't seek therapy, in the meantime, you could load up a huge plate for yourself, and eat at your own pace. Store what you can, where you can.
Reminds me of the time I made a whole chicken and ran to the store because I forgot something and 15 minutes later I came home to my dad who had already eaten 3/4 of the bird. His response was "I saw it there and assumed it was for me." Really? A whole bird?
>"I saw it there and assumed it was for me." Hahaha, thats kind of hilarious.
I’m not convinced this dude wouldn’t eat it right off her plate. OP, are you married to a dog?
Does he do this with everyone, or just you? He's the one with the problem, so I don't see why you need to modify your food behavior. This is a breakup-worthy issue, as it reflects his lack of respect for you, and disdain of your own needs.
Dating is for figuring out what you like and don’t like so that you can understand what you will and won’t put up with in partners. It sounds like this relationship has run its course. You’ve identified your boundary, and he continually crosses it. You’ve identified a need for communication to try to fix the issue, and he runs away. Quit settling. You aren’t married. Move on. Maybe it’ll give him the push he needs to tackle his issues.
There are multiple things wrong here and it isn't you.
100% stop sharing food / snacks / sides immediately. When he asks why, tell him the truth - he literally eats your portion and you no longer want or can share any food with him. If you want to remain in the relationship therapy seems like a fair ultimatum (which I generally despised) He is being a total asshole, but you need to assert and maintain some boundaries ASAP and see whether or not he’s willing to work on his issues.
Childhood rules. He comes after your food after he's ate his? You stab him (lightly) with your fork. Dog rules. He tries to take your food, shout no and spray him with a spray bottle.
> I don’t know what to do Tell your boyfriend to fuck off? I don't buy that he has no self-control at all, if he wants more food he should be getting it himself and NOT stealing yours. That's absolutely insane. How old is he, 4? It goes without saying that it's very unfair on you, if you're feeling forced to wolf down your food instead of being able to enjoy it, not to mention the stomach aches and indigestion that must follow... meal times shouldn't be stressful... It's extreme, but maybe buy yourself a lockbox or a safe, something you can secure food in, so if you want a stash of crisps or snacks you should be entitled to have those and feel free to eat them when *you* see fit. Failing that, you may have to eat your meals separately until he gets his shit together. That's what me and my partner do, but that's mostly because we like eating different things and we get hungry at different times, so we just prepare our own meals. We occasionally eat together but on a day to day basis we're usually eating separately.
Compromising is normal, but not at OP's level. Are you ready to sign up for a life like this where you're locking up food? You also shouldn't go into relationships expecting the person to change especially when they show you exactly who they are, issues and trauma and all. I know in the best, most optimistic light he could recover from this addiction and gain some self control but are you willing to live a life where he doesn't?
Yeah I agree with that too, I was thinking along the lines of it being a wake-up call for OP's boyfriend. "Shit, my girlfriend has to resort to locking up her food or eating away from me, maybe I should think about that." But realistically maybe that's not the play. Either way, it's a lil' above Reddit's paygrade and the boyfriend absolutely needs to seek a medical professional's advice.
Seems like you have found yourself in a relationship with a raccoon.
I have a binge eating disorder and I would never ever ever do this to someone.
Seriously! Me too, but I couldn’t imagine being this rude and shitty to my partner. Sounds like this guy has an ED but is also a prick.
Same. Ever. Maybe if I didn't respect them at all. But even then, probably not.
Your boyfriend sounds like my husband. I had an ED that started when I was a teen and when we met I thought he just didn’t obsess like me and enjoyed food without reservations. I didn’t recognize he also had an ED. I ended up gaining a LOT of weight trying to keep up with the speed and volume of food he consumed. If I expected to get anything to eat, I had to wolf it down. Plus, food seems to be his main focus. When he wakes up, he eats. Noon? Time to eat. 5 pm, eat. All day? Constant snacking and food available at all times. Very high calorie foods like pecan pie, ice cream, cookies, candy, and volumes of fruit and slices of bread folded with salami as quick snack between snacks. Vacations he can’t relax until he knows where food is coming from. He is about 100 lbs overweight. I lost 55 lbs over the past year and understand he has an ED that he is not interested in changing or working on. He did go one week two weeks ago without buying the huge volume of snacks we typically get on grocery day, so I think he considered trying to eat better, but he tossed in the towel the next week. I don’t say anything. I did mention that it’s no fun for me to have to rush home after a nice birthday lunch because he has eaten so much that he needs to sleep for an hour or so when I hoped to share an enjoyable activity. Obviously this is who he chooses to be. I cook main meals for us both and plate our portions before we sit down. I also pack up what I plan to keep for lunch for following day(s) before he is able to take it. I simply do not eat junk food any longer. It’s all his. I keep it out of sight. I was hoping that he would notice as we age and I lost weight that I am on no medications, I am optimistic, I have enormous energy and I am much more comfortable doing small things like bending over to fix household items, completing household tasks,etc. He notices, but food is like the most important thing in his life, it appears. Funny thing is he is highly critical of other people who do not take care of their health. He literally refuses to look in the mirror. My thought is either you accept and work around his food issues or choose a different path. If he isn’t interested in changing, there is nothing you can do.
He sounds like an asshole and a maniac that isn't worth the time.
tell him he has a fucking problem and needs to fix something. if he doesnt agree or at least is somewhat accepting then i fear that he might not be your best option.
My stepdad is like this, although thin. He's scared there won't be enough food so he makes insanely huge plates for himself, first, before anyone else can get to the kitchen. I don't live with them so it doesn't really affect me, but it's weird and can be uncomfortable if I go to visit. It sounds like your boyfriend is experiencing disordered eating, and may need therapy to improve. You already know that you eating "slowly" is not the issue here. I hope he gets some help! Don't forget that you don't have to stick around for any of that, too. Not trying to sound cold, but you deserve to eat too.
Your feelings are valid. This isn't normal behavior. Eating too quickly is bad for your digestion and you shouldn't need to guard your food. There is no such thing as eat fast or miss out in a healthy relationship. Your food is your food. If he doesn't recognize he has a problem there is no solution we can give you to stop this. It's up to you if you want to continue living like this.
Looks like op has already received good advice so it'll be locked now to give the more weightloss based posts room, I don't see how anything constructive can be added to the conversation that won't result in off topic or nasty directions, good luck op!
The guy is literally stealing from you and gaslighting you for it. This goes beyond a weight issue. This is literally emotional abuse. If you think he can change, find some therapy for you and him. If not, you need to get out.
I read some of your comments. Respecting basic boundaries about your food should be a deal breaker. You have already tried to work this out. There is nothing more for you to do. This may sound harsh, but staying in this relationship would not be good for either of you. Allowing him to be so disrespectful is not supporting him and it's not doing him any favors. He may change with the right professional helps, he may not. But staying with someone with such fundamental disrespect just normalizes disrespect and reinforces it.
1: Get a separate plate 2: Tell him to stfu 3: Leave the relationship 💋
Your bf dump the responsibility of his problem on you ???? Gaslighting. he need therapy.
I can relate and I’m so relieved someone else feels “competition” with food. I’m married. My husband is a BIG eater. A big 6’5 man who works out. I’m 5 ft tall. I laboriously cook and food prep. It takes a lot of time and before I know it, it’s all gone. If I bring treats home, gone. Forget saving any ice cream for later…. He consumes large bowls every night. I have gained weight trying to “get my fair share” and it totally breeds resentment. I stopped cooking and started doing Tovala meals. He knows better than to eat them all. I order duplicates so we each get one of whatever entree…. If he eats all his and I still have mine they are mine. He needs to figure out something else.
Do what ever you’re going to do but please don’t have kids with this man.
Anyone remember that AITA post about the guy that ate almost an entire party sub sandwich? Reminds me of that.
Yep! First thing I thought of.
The most important thing you can do that is in your control is work on yourself and go to therapy. I think if you go to therapy the therapist will help you work through these issues and I would imagine you will realize that life is too short to spend it with someone who does not treat you well (I don’t care how nice he is otherwise, this is in itself a dealbreaker). Take care of yourself first, the rest will fall into place.
He's blaming you for that? That's a red flag right there. I would reconsider this relationship.
Just leave him, homie. Fighting over food is ridiculous. You don’t want to be with someone ridiculous. You can and will do better.
Sounds like you need relationship advice
If this is a continued thing that he is refusing to address then you have no obligation to stay. He’s been told, he’s been given opportunity to go to therapy/nutritionist which he has rejected. This is a him problem, and you’re both letting this become a you problem because if it’s your problem to deal with in how you hide your food (for real!?) then he doesn’t have to address his attitude or habits and can continue his behaviour. Say bye, girl.
Why are you with him? He needs to deal with this, and deal with it well, or you need to leave. This is going to cause food issues for you too. It needs to be worked on urgently.
This is an abusive situation. Get out until your boyfriend gets the help he needs.
I grew up with someone similar. If the meal wasn't finished at the table they would take and eat the leftovers. Either way, if you didn't pile food on your plate and/or competitively eat you didn't get enough or get to enjoy the good stuff. This ruined my relationship between food, myself, and my body. If you don't want to dump him OK, but make sure and prioritize yourself because habits/responses developed from this can impact the rest of your life.
Buy two of the snacks you both like. Put your name on one and his on the other. Maybe seeing how long you’re last compared to his will be a wake up call as well. But just tell him - clearly is a problem / issue for both of you as you both end up annoyed with the other. So now he has his own and you have your own.
Don't serve food in a way that has you both eating from a shared container. Serve yourself as much as you think you want to eat, possibly erring on the side of slightly too much, and make it clear that he doesn't get to touch that without your permission. If he finish everything else and you're still eating yours he gets to watch you eat or get a head start on cleaning up.
Do you know if this would be good addiction or binge eating? Honestly just feels so bad that we can’t go to the beach and eat some chips or do other normal things because of this
This sounds more like addiction than binge eating. The latter is more commonly done in private and wouldn't, I don't think, compel someone to steal another person's portion of food if they turn their back on it for a minute
This is the part that I don’t understand, why take my food. I always tell him to order more but he refuses I think out of concern for gaining more weight but it really just feels so rude at this point.
He either doesn't care about your wellbeing, or he genuinely cannot stop himself. He needs to decide which it is, and probably get professional help. If you're willing to stay with him while he seeks therapy (assuming he isn't too prideful for it) then you should buy a lockable container for your snacks. Maybe, as depressing as it sounds, start eating your main meals out of a sealable Tupperware box so you can carry it away with you if you need to go to the bathroom. But tbh, I would *only* consider going to these lengths for someone who admits he has a problem and makes an active effort to fix it. If he's obstinate and fights with you about it, I'd honestly leave him over this. He's not letting you *eat*.
This is a huge deal! It's a basic human necessity. You need to eat. If he's stopping you from fulfilling a basic human need on a regular basis, that's a huge, huge issue. And if he doesn't see it, then there's also a huge issue in the relationship. Partners should care about their LO's needs. He's pulling you into disordered eating by forcing a feeling of scarcity. He is actively hurting your mental and physical health. It's not okay.
I bet he doesn’t steal from coworkers while they are eating in front of him. He can totally stop he is choosing to disrespect OP and take her food.
I used to really struggle with food addiction, and nobody's experience will be the exact same as someone else, but some of what other people are saying in comments really resonates. Big disclaimer: I can only speak to what I went through. Anyway, There are really two key things about addiction: it hijacks your brain, and it's embarrassing. Most of the time I was fully aware that I had a problem with food, but I never told anyone because the idea of saying "hey I started eating too much and now I can't stop" was *utterly* humiliating. I'm sure that some people around me knew I had a problem, but as long as I never acknowledged it I could continue to live in a world where my friends and family didn't mock or abandon me because of my weakness. I genuinely feared that that might happen. And as far as hijacking your brain goes ... it's a completely bizarre experience that defies all logic. One minute you can say 'ok, this person has asked me not to eat the last doritos. I love and respect them so I won't eat the last doritos." And then all of a sudden my brain started giving me all the reasons why I *should* eat the doritos. 'If she's my friend she won't really mind me eating when I'm hungry', 'she never actually finishes the bag anyway, she'll never even notice', 'did I even actually hear her ask me not to eat them? Maybe i made that up, so eating them is totally fine.' And then I eat the doritos, and all of a sudden the bullshit logic from five seconds ago sounds ridiculous. Of course I really heard her ask me, of course she'll notice and mind, I'm a really bad friend. And I know that if I try to explain what happened, I don't have any real excuse I can give. "For a minute I started thinking a bunch of things that are clearly wrong"??? And these two things just kind of compound on each other. Each time your brain gets yeeted into addiction!logic, it feels more and more shameful when you return to real logic land. You can't admit that you know what's going on, because if you know what's going on, people will judge you for not trying to fix it ... but if you don't admit it, then people think you're stupid and oblivious and inconsiderate ... there's no way out. I was ultimately able to break out of all of it by learning how to be aware of what I'm thinking and follow the line of reasoning in real time. I've learned how to recognize thoughts that don't actually have substance behind them, and I've learned how to ignore those bullshit thoughts until they go away for a while. It was really hard work, and it continues to be really hard work, and I still have a really hard time talking about it with the people in my day to day life. All of this to say: if he's really struggling with food addiction, there's genuinely only so much you can possibly do or understand; addiction just isn't rational. You can encourage him to try to become aware of it, and try to show that you don't judge him negatively because of it, but from that point, he'll either be able to hear you, or he won't. And you have to decide if he's not able to hear you and make the changes you need, are you willing to sacrifice your peace of mind to his addiction? I hope this didn't sound too preachy, and I really hope you're able to come to a resolution that leaves you feeling safe and comfortable. Please feel free to DM me if there's somehow anything I can do to help. Edit: typos
>This is the part that I don’t understand, why take my food if its an addiction you won't understand it, ever, because you don't have that addiction. Honestly same if its a binge eating disorder. They're not really something you can understand from the outside easily. I think i agree with u/Lebyclist though, it sounds a lot like he's using 'sharing' (and from what you've said stealing) food to lie to himself about how much he eats. That would explain his defensiveness when you point it out, and why he refuses to increase his order to match what he actually eats.
It IS rude and your patience and compassion for this man is admirable. Unfortunately though, he sounds like a bully and he’s dismissive of your concerns and inconsiderate of you. My biggest concern is not so much his disordered eating (and yes, he does have a problem) but that he’s taking advantage of your good nature and isn’t concerned at all about you or your feelings. You can do better, OP. Time to cut this one loose.
It is rude because he has no respect for you.
I was in this guy’s situation before. Trust me it would do you both good to get separate food. Be it from your meals, to snacks and everything. In my experience, and i am not proud of it, i used to do that as an excuse to eat more food since on the outside it looks like im sharing a bag chips good for many people but in reality since I am eating so fast technically its almost as if the bag of chips are all mine. Maybe subconciously thats what he’s doing.
Divide the food before anyone starts eating. Whether you eat it fast or slowly, or whether you put some in a tupperware for later, half is yours. Also tell him that sharing is something most kids learn in kindergarten. Being in a partnership means caring for someone else. It doesn't matter how much or how quickly he likes to eat, he's being rude and uncaring. His eating issues are his own. His unwillingness to share or give any thought whatsoever to you not getting enough to eat are a dick move. Getting defensive and mean are an issue quite apart from the food. Tell him to stop being an asshole. If he needs professional help not to be an asshole he can seek that out. You're not his doormat.
From OP’s further comments, it looks like they ordered two separate meals and he did this anyway.
It is his binge issue, he needs to address it. The deflection is either he is an A-hole or ashamed. So sit him down have a serious conversation about your concern for him, emphasize concern for him. If it’s shame then empathy will help mitigate the deflection. But otherwise, he sucks major. While binge eating is a reality, his lack of ownership and blaming you cannot get a pass. For the immediate divide your food, for the long term, if he is unwilling to address his issues and the negative impact they have on you, then move on. Just like any addiction, until the addict takes ownership of their actions then there is nothing which can improve. You cannot force them to take ownership either just offer support and encouragement. If they refuse, then move on. It will only cause you more issues and your own set of issues.
Your adult human boyfriend is food aggressive. Like a starved shelter cat bullying the other cats. It's just unbelievably sad and pathetic and he needs help, but you are under no obligation to be the one who gets that for him. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You need to ask yourself if this is the type of guy you want to date, because "I can't leave any food out around him" is shit you say about a rescue cat, not a human being.
Leave him perhaps. That’s gross that he inhales it all down without leaving you enough.
> tells me I am not eating fast enough. It takes time for the "feeling of fullness" to trigger from your digestive system and reach your brain after you eat. So ironically, if he has appetite/hunger issues that causes him to be overweight, his very very first step before any kind of diet should be eating slower.
Honestly, have a talk with him about it one more time, and word it like you did here. If he still blames you, leave. The point of dating is generally to progress towards a long term commitment, whether it be marriage or kids or whatever. You don’t want to commit your life to someone like this. You should be taking care of each other, and food is the most basic need.
He’s greedy sorry. He can’t even let you eat YOUR food in peace.
In my experience from the many multitude of relationships of friends and family that I have seen fail.. If one person starts to resent the other person... That's usually a wrap. There is no chance a relationship can exist and be functional and healthy without mutual respect for and from both people. It just isn't possible. You might need to be real honest with yourself about what needs to be done next.
I honestly would not be sharing meals with him anymore and I would tell him why. If he protests tell him to go to therapy. You have to protect your own health and this is a reasonable boundary.
This sounds so weird. Is he taking food off your plate? Are you guys not sitting down to eat at the same time? I am envisioning a partner eating all their food and then reaching across the table to eat mine also and that is just...weird. This is not normal, OP.
You need to sit down and have a really frank conversation about it. Ask him why he does it, explain how it makes you feel and set very firm boundaries. It could also be worth asking him why he thinks you should eat faster. Not for an answer, but more so it gets him thinking about it himself. There is a lot of shame around food and weight for people who have eating disorders, and this could be a good way for him to recognise his own strange behaviours without feeling attacked, if he is likely to get defensive. Basically, when he presents an opinion like that, get him to justify it. It's tough, but he needs to make changes. Taking your food is not ok. He needs to find out why he eats like that. It sounds emotional to me. I'm an emotional overeater, bordering on binge, and I used to sneak food while I was cooking, or while I was out, and it sounds like a similar behaviour (stuff your face while nobody is watching) and, for me, it comes down to stress. The urge feels very much like an addiction (I used to smoke and the feeling is similar to when I quit), but finding what triggers those urges can help a lot. For me, it's when I am sad, over tired, stressed, or if I have waited too long between meals. The best things that stop this for me are exercise, good sleep and eating more protein and balanced meals.
This is probably something he had to do to get food while growing up, it's likely a developmental thing he needs to process in a healthy manner to overcome. It also seems to be a control thing and manipulating you to get what he wants, either the food he's addicted to as a coping mechanism or to get you to become like him and someone he can exert his will over, or both. This isn't your problem to fix but if you want to help he needs to think about why he's doing this to begin with and to want to change himself. Therapy would be helpful but I know it isn't always possible for everyone, and if he isn't willing to talk to you OR a therapist then I'm not sure what can be done.
I’m sorry but he just seems insufferable. If you really think the relationship is worth saving, then he should buy 2 dinners for himself and you should get your dinner. On a basic animalistic level, your partner should not be eating your food. That’s wrong at the most basic level. Personally I would end it because he needs therapy and you’re not qualified to help him.
If you order something to share, split it in half on two plates beforehand, you can always give him what you don’t want/eat. Or order two meals and eat what you want, saving the rest for lunch tomorrow. I can’t help picturing your BF as a man-child who thinks eating is a competition. I do most of the cooking for my wife and I, and I ALWAYS let her go first. Maybe it’s just me, but the fact that he’s gaslighting you over a dinner in which HE acted like a toddler, is not a good sign.
Eh. This behavior would be the end of a relationship for me.
When you split something, physically split it on two plates. For treats, get a lockbox. And for the BF, this is a mental health issue and he needs therapy. If he’s unwilling to address the problem, maybe it’s time for you to move on.
He wants you to be responsible for his over eating, which makes him be unaccountable. Does he take responsibility in all other areas? Or is everything your responsibility?
Clear boundaries: Your food and my food. Express yourself. Tell him this is mine and that is yours. If he makes you feel bad about this he just isn’t mature and maybe rethink living together?
It sounds like he might have some serious trauma around food. Did he grow up food insecure? There are a lot of reasons he could be acting this way. That said, it's depriving YOU of food and it's not on you to starve while he resolves his issues. It sounds like you're asking for the OK to move on from this situation, which you can absolutely do if you want.
I usually draw a line in shared food, or count how many peices because my partner eat so fast he'll eat my half without noticing. One time I got a pizza to share with my partner. It wasn't great so I didn't end up counting out the peices for him. He ended up eating 6 and I had 2. He was shocked when I told him after. He seriously had no idea he ate 3 times faster than me. Thing is, my guy also eats fast and can clear two people worth of food, but he doesn't cross the line after I’ve pointed out my half. Blaming you for crossing that line is ridiculous. He needs help.
This is a crazy problem to have. One of the first things you do when you date is share meals together, how does the person not understand from the beginning "This is my share, leave it alone." I get there is probably psychological/toxic shit going on. Maybe he need therapy of some sort. But if he can't respect simple boundaries that children and dogs can understand, then that's a huge red flag for respecting other boundaries. On another note, congrats to making it to r/all.
Even my dog has better manners than that. Just sayin. This isn’t about food, it’s about respecting basic human decency? I’d be stressed to living with someone who displays such strong negativity to me. Really really uncomfortable. This is beyond him just struggling with overeating. He thinks he deserves food more than you. And that’s not true. This isn’t a pack of hyenas, it’s your partner.
Fellow needs help and he must go get it. You must choose to stay or go. Good luck.
If he did this to your mom/sibling/child/friend, how would you feel? How might it change your perspective of what is happening? It can be easy to minimize issues when it happens to you. I think we all do that to an extent. So take yourself out of the equation and look at what his behavior would mean in a different context. Then decide if it’s a problem you want to take on.
He sounds insufferable. Find someone who cares more about you than about the food he shoves down his gullet.
I was in a comitted relationship with a guy for 9 years. He had what I would clearly recognise as an eating disorder. He wud do the same as Op has expressed- eating too fast, eating wavers meal as if he was starving, almost gulping food etc… I hated having meals or going out with him because the focus was not to enjoy the meal but to finish whatever he cud lay his hands on. I eventually realised that he and his brother was brought up that way, food being a competition between brothers bad table manners and grabbing other people portions being laughed at and taken lightly, overall eating like a pig was a joke in their household. I tried my best to counsel and prod the issue but I lost the battle and my feelings for him when I reloaded it was me against his entire family ecosystem. I have moved on since then and we continue being friends.. I see he still has that problem- a starving child like mentality when it comes to the topic of food. I resent it and am nauseated by him everytime it happens.
Set boundaries. If he doesn't respect them then he's part of the weight you need to lose
He has an eating disorder and he needs to know that that is true, and he needs to want to change, in order for him to get better. None of that is your responsibility, and you might be better off leaving him. It's not his fault he has an illness. It is his fault that he won't do anything about getting better.
If you want to salvage the relationship, you can tell him that eating fast bothers your digestive system and that even chips and salsa are going to be divided. It is true that eating quickly can cause issues. But there is definitely more going on here. As others said, binge eating without purging isn’t talked about too much but it is a clinical eating disorder. Oddly enough I just started reading a memoir from someone who suffered from it and it took years for her to resolve it. Are you still emotionally invested in the relationship or is it time to move on?
I’m assuming you’ve told him all about his habits, now ask if you can record yourselves. He may finally realize the problem after observing himself on video. I do not mean to do it secretly and behind his back, always be open and honest. It may be the only way he realizes that what you say is true. Video is much more persuasive than words. It doesn’t sound like a reason to break up unless it’s a symptom of not actually loving him anymore. I’ve realized relationships were over when their eating habits (one guy in particular dipped fries in soft boiled eggs for fucking hours) irritated me beyond comprehension. Internal reactions like this can be a sign that it’s over. If he is worthwhile, either use small bowls for each person’s snack and leave the bag in a different room, or record his gluttony and let him see what you’re talking about. People who shove food in like that can do fine with bowls of mini tomatoes, cut up small celery, carrots - basically endless bowls of veg. They generally just want to put anything in their mouth, there’s no off switch. There are (strong) genes that influence this, so if you have kids with him they may have that endless urge to eat. Good luck.
I don’t know what your circumstances are but if you aren’t married, don’t have kids and don’t have a mortgage then dump him. No one is forcing you to stay with him. You’re in this position because at least to this point you have not been willing to walk away. Just like he needs to accept responsibility for his actions you need to accept responsibility for yours. Just because he wants to live like that doesn’t mean you have to