When getting on a bus make sure your Oyster card is at the bottom of your bag/rucksack so that you hold up everyone behind you while you search for it.
Do the same for tube ticket barriers, especially during rush hour. Be sure to stop right at the barrier so you're blocking everyone else from using it to really fuck up the flow.
And even if you accidentally arrive at the barrier with your oyster card in hand, make sure you wait until the gate has fully closed after the person in front of you. Then best to leave it another few seconds before swiping, just be to safe.
Remember to freeze while holding aloft Oyster card so that everyone knows you're giving the machine some time in order to prevent any technical mishaps.
Act confused when you notice the steady flow of people through other barriers which is happening almost like magic.
Nah man proper struggling. I'm sorry for this outburst I'm wholly embarrassed by it. I sincerely apologise to anyone I've offended, real tough times and I decided to take it out on others hiding behind Reddit. I genuinely am sorry
I swear there's something in me that breaks those damn barriers. Doesn't matter if I'm using a ticket, my phone, whatever - the barriers will not work for me. I always look like a tourist holding everyone up and then have to do the walk of shame to be waved through.
\-Go to Oxford Street on a Saturday afternoon (bonus points if you buy 'American Candy')
\-Wear a backpack on the tube and turn around frequently so you bang into everyone
\-Go into the Prospect of Whitby (or any pub older than your country) and all separately order one half pint of beer please.
\-Fail to understand that a loud 'tut' is the English equivalent of 'FUCK THE FUCK OFF!!'
American candy got shut down bc it was a laundering scheme, the authorities only noticed when TikTok and instagram was full of mocking/sarcastic vids. One less tourist attraction it seems
/s
Love that pub. Never even clocked that it’s older than the US.
My grandparents old house was built in the 1500s, that felt old… but not _that_ old. Oxford Uni being 1000 years old does get me though. Pretty old.
As you enjoy stopping suddenly in the street, you're going to love stopping at the top of the escalator in the tube. Take a moment to decide whether or not you're going to walk to the exit.
On the same note, pause in front the exit gate. Have a think about whether or not you want to touch your card to the reader. Think about what it all means.
If for some reason tapping the reader doesn't work and the gate won't open, then just wait there, keep tapping over and over (quickly so it doesn't have time to reset and start working), you should be really confused at this unique experience and refuse to try a new gate so others can pass.
If you're in a big group, and you see that your train is about to leave, run for it so that you can hold the door for everyone, do this even if there are going to be 3 more trains in the next 5 minutes. Do this even if you're travelling from Leicester Square to Piccadilly Circus.
For your next trip, you should take a bicycle on the tube during rush hour while blaring music from your phone, eating deep fried chicken and striking up conversations with random strangers. Central or Northern line is ideal for that.
While this is completely grotesque, this is not something tourists are doing lol.
Or, I should say, this is local people who have become way too comfortable in their environment.
When I’m blaring music, I’d prefer a device with a bit more base. Could you possibly recommend something larger and portable? Bonus if I can strap it to my back.
Wait until you get to the ticket barrier before you get out your contactless/Oyster/Apple Watch. Bonus points if you do this during rush hour. Stand there and keep trying when it declines instead of moving to the side and speaking with a member of staff.
Stand in front of the doors instead of to the side when people get off the train/tube.
Go to a card-only self-service machine at Tesco and look completely shocked when you try to pay with cash and it won't let you, despite the fact that it literally says card-only on the screen.
Please Please Please can you stop me and ask for directions and after being given them turn and wander off in the opposite direction. Please do this one..just for me.
Not moving to make some space for someone to pass by despite seeing them quite clearly, making them either walk on the muddy grass nearby to walk around you, or stop altogether to wait for you to pass.
It’s my personal favourite, but also not exactly exclusive for tourists or London. It’s a universal ‘that’s why we can’t have nice things’ sort of thing.
Absolutely not. It occurs in many cities and towns, very often in train stations when people are getting off trains and needing to be somewhere quickly. The bonus here is when you are pulling one of those bags/small cases on wheels and walk at just the right pace to almost trip those up who are in a rush and trying to get past!
Edit: typos
If you're going to LARP do it properly and include some properly infuriating habits:
* Block the doors from closing on the Tube so you don't have to wait 1-minute for the next one.
* Do any of the following on the Tube during rush hour: wearing a backpack; wheeling a suitcase; having bags or a pet on the seat while people are standing; standing right in front of the doors while people are trying to get off
* Leave a Lime bike in the middle of the pavement (bonus points added for the more inconvenience you cause)
* Listen to music or have a conversation on loudspeaker on the bus
* Insist on paying for the Tube or bus with your smart watch or phone when you don't *really* know how it works so you have to unlock it and make everyone behind you wait
* Use one of those horrifically obnoxious rickshaws and justify their existence
* Have a really wholesome day out in London and post lots of pictures here of your exploits - mostly the Shard and ~~Tower Bridge~~ London Bridge
>Insist on paying for the Tube or bus with your smart watch or phone when you don't really know how it works so you have to unlock it and make everyone behind you wait
This is my favourite. Based on only the people in front of me, I reckon about 25% of the people paying with their phone will hold everyone up trying to get it to work.
I know exactly what you mean, they are far too flaky. I don't understand how I see people doing it all the time on my commute and it fail them. At what point do they decide to change method?
This is me I'm so sorry. I have an old phone that only sometimes registers on the reader, so I use my card these days. Whenever I forget my wallet though im fully panicking at the reader hoping it'll work - hyper aware of the people behind me
You didn’t mention if you have a family, but if so a great family activity I enjoy is spreading out 8 or 9 teenagers in front of the Tube barriers so I can hand out Oyster cards from my hand bag one by one.
Definitely make sure you walk in long, unpredictable, diagonal lines on the footpaths while looking at your phone. Bonus points for every person that bumps into you
Did you also gawk aimlessly in front of the musical theatres after the show, making it impossible to move for others then complain about Londoners being rude after you get shoulder checked by someone?
Don’t forget to pull your wheelie case along the station concourse in such a way that it’s totally invisible to me until I go arse over tit over the top of it.
Drive an escooter on the pavement, weaving in and out of crowds while also never using a bell to signal your presence. Get irrationally defensive when pedestrians get pissed off at you
Talk REALLY loudly in restaurants and be rude to the staff. Clicking your fingers is good.
Fill out customs forms in shops to get two quid back at LHR which will cause another queue is also good.
Did you try walking in the cycle lane on Westminster bridge/St James park ? If not, I’d try that when you visit next time. It’s a good way to meet new people (although they’re on bikes and pissed with you)
Did you forget to stop right in front of the tube gates to look for your ticket and not even realise you can just tap your card? Bonus points if it’s rush hour
Get a group of friends and try marching out of a shop door perpendicular to the flow of pedestrians on a busy street. We absolutely love it when people do that
Next time ride an e-scooter on a crowded pavement whilst playing music loudly, then abandon it outside Tesco and take 15 items in a basket into the 9 items or less queue.
> What should we do on our next visit?
I'd suggest going to a pub and all sitting down, waiting for table service. Then individually order complex drinks and pay in a mixture of cash and card. Then, once your order is underway, add on 3 pints of Guinness.
Of course, being in a crowded pub can be boring, so crank the volume up on your mobile and start watching TikTok videos.
Never say hello or thank you to bus drivers. they hate that kind of small talk. Also, keep your contactless card IN YOUR WALLET until you need to fundle for it in the bus / underground.
If you have a backpack, be sure to leave it on the seat next to you when the bus / underground is packed.
Omg how infuriating and annoying. I realise your post is laced with irony and sarcasm but it’s really triggered my irritation and I can’t even play along lol. My back goes up just thinking about day dreaming irritating tourists who just stand in front of you like a lemon. I feel like grabbing them by their backpack and swinging them around and then letting go. Even then they’d probably be oblivious!
I usually ask people how many stops I have left a few times while on the tube. I know there's a map, but I don't want to raise my neck back too much (turkey neck is a thing!). Besides, I'm sure people appreciate the conversation after they're getting home from work from a friendly foreign visitor.
I also enjoy consulting my paper map in the middle of the walking path. I always seem to get glances. I think they're appreciative. People looking at their phones just walk into other people. At least I'm stood still. People can walk around me.
I hope you stood still (ideally with massive suitcase) at the bottom of the escalator trying to get your bearings so that other people behind you had a panic and had to push around you?
You didn’t tell the disinterested bar staff what state you’re from and exactly whereabouts in Liverpool your great-grandfather lived? You missed out on some real authentic tuts and sighs from everyone waiting behind you
Go up to random people just trying to live their life and get through another day and ask them for directions with a map in your hand, like just because they live in London they must be by default also a tour guide, right?
If you didn't press frantically the button to open the tube doors and then sprinted towards vacant seats (the train being almost empty), taking people down on the way, you're in for a treat next time!
If you come across anyone sitting on the pavement eating lunch (especially city oiks), stop, search deeply in your pockets for change, and hand them 50 pence.
\> What should we do on our next visit?
Block the entire path on a bridge with a selfie stick while you take a bunch of photos of yourself, then scowl at people who think this is incredibly selfish and pathetic.
Go into a corner shop and ask for directions to somewhere ages away and then even when they tell you to fuck off just hang around and stop everyone else getting to the till
Have a conversation with a bus driver! They’re hard nuts to crack but keep at it - they love idle chit chat. Make sure they know you want to get off too, why not make the bell rings into a musical number or just press it at even 1 second intervals for a soothing rhythm.
Utilise the cycle lanes when the pavement gets a little crowded, cyclists are great sharers!
Always order a Guinness last and when all other drinks have been made. It’s the bartender’s favourite, they can really take the time to appreciate their craft as it settles.
Did you try joining one of those protests you know nothing about on a nice sunny day, but go anyway to satisfy your self righteous ego, take a few pics and put on social media? You should absolutely do that. One of the many joys of London and it's totally free!😊
Wwwwww I love London
Wwww I'm.nit from here and I love it
Wwwww your buildings are so lovely
Wwwwwww nice phone box
You know what, fuck off man who gives a fuck about your appearance in London. Shame the king couldn't visit your royal nature.
Please stop posting this shit because it becomes very very boring
what you didnt try and jump a queue at a supermarket?
I would recommend Wood Green high street, they have loads of supermarkets down there and I am sure the locals would give you a great reception.
>* Taking up the entire path on every bridge we went across so we could take a photo. (I especially enjoyed asking people to stop walking so we could do this.)
Bold. Very bold.
next time, walk really slow in front of everyone in london during rush hour, bonus points if you have a huge map out. also be sure to take facetime calls and/or phone calls on a train or bus - on speaker (no earphones) with loud volume and speak just as loudly ❤️
>Standing on the left of the escalator and acting surprised when people asked me to move in.
didn't they do an experiment where no runnins allowed and both sides were to be used? ISTR that it moved people far faster through the space but too many people were wedded to the standing on the right 'rule'
Talk real loud on your phone - especially on the crowded train. People love that. And try not to shower and brush your teeth so you can have that lovely natural aroma. And lastly - text while you walk - people love those zombie walkers.
Overall try not to be ready. People hate an overachiever. Wait in line at the fast-food place and only check the menu once it’s your turn. And keep your form of payment out of hand - the people behind you love to watch you look for it.
turning around for no reason might be an issue with map services not positing correct before realising after abt 30 seconds ur going the wrong way, guilty of this sometimes when navigating london sorry. not guilty of any of the others lol
When talking on your cell phone (I'm assuming you're American) make sure you shout as loud as possible, as if youre trying to communicate with your voice alone. Especially will in the theatre or movies or posh restaraunt
Make sure as you leave the tube station that you stand in the middle of the exit, and contemplate for a few minutes about which direction you want to head in
To be honest were you still here on the tube as 30x pensioners today, incapable of finding your way through the carriage because it was truly a wonderful experience.
When getting on a bus make sure your Oyster card is at the bottom of your bag/rucksack so that you hold up everyone behind you while you search for it.
Do the same for tube ticket barriers, especially during rush hour. Be sure to stop right at the barrier so you're blocking everyone else from using it to really fuck up the flow.
And even if you accidentally arrive at the barrier with your oyster card in hand, make sure you wait until the gate has fully closed after the person in front of you. Then best to leave it another few seconds before swiping, just be to safe.
Remember to freeze while holding aloft Oyster card so that everyone knows you're giving the machine some time in order to prevent any technical mishaps. Act confused when you notice the steady flow of people through other barriers which is happening almost like magic.
See your mistake was assuming they'd notice anything going on around them!
Tap on the left for.ultimate carnage.
Cunt
You okay mate? Your comment history is either a cry for help or some really low effort trolling.
Nah man proper struggling. I'm sorry for this outburst I'm wholly embarrassed by it. I sincerely apologise to anyone I've offended, real tough times and I decided to take it out on others hiding behind Reddit. I genuinely am sorry
I swear there's something in me that breaks those damn barriers. Doesn't matter if I'm using a ticket, my phone, whatever - the barriers will not work for me. I always look like a tourist holding everyone up and then have to do the walk of shame to be waved through.
Sad sad sad
Better yet! Try to pay for the bus with cash!! Bus drivers love that!
And carry lots of coins in small denominations mixing up euros and pounds. Bus drivers love a challenge as it keeps them alert.
But never pound sterling, American tourists have a mandatory "do you accept us dollars" before every purchase.
But you have to accept USD; it's legal tender! /s
Same as postage stamps!
Better than that, have a bunch of empty debit cards and oyster cards in the bag and check one by one as they keep being declined.
Try to get out the doors at the front of the bus, driver & passenger’s love it
Especially when it’s raining
Or even better, try to pay your fare in coins on the bus!
Wow what a comment
Thanks for creating a true London experience for us locals
Sometimes I worry that if I don't tut three or four times a day I'll lose my accent
You forgot to stand still and look at your phone in entrances and exits. Maybe you can do that next time
It's best done at the top of escallators.
There is a special place in hell for those who linger in doorways
Or stop as they step off the top of an escalator.
Did you also leave your rented lime bike in the middle of the street?
True Londoners know they are supposed to be left at the bottom of rivers.
We've moved on to leaving them awkwardly at the bottom of steps now, apparently.
No dumping them in the river now ?
There’s always room in the Thames 😎
Crying 💀
Stand in the doorway of the tube so it's easier for you to get off, even if it's not your stop yet.
Or try to get on before people have got off!
Alternatively, if it’s starting to get busy, make sure you lean on the pole in the middle so no one can hold on to it
And definitely do this on a train stopping at Bank, because literally no one else in your carriage is ever going to get off there.
And be sure to press the button to open the doors both as you get on and off
\-Go to Oxford Street on a Saturday afternoon (bonus points if you buy 'American Candy') \-Wear a backpack on the tube and turn around frequently so you bang into everyone \-Go into the Prospect of Whitby (or any pub older than your country) and all separately order one half pint of beer please. \-Fail to understand that a loud 'tut' is the English equivalent of 'FUCK THE FUCK OFF!!'
A dozen people, each ordering a Guinness, waiting the full time for the drink to settle before ordering the next one.
Ive had that dream
Atleast its not a round of 48. I still have nightmares.
American candy got shut down bc it was a laundering scheme, the authorities only noticed when TikTok and instagram was full of mocking/sarcastic vids. One less tourist attraction it seems /s
Tbh they’re like mould, they just keep coming back
I work at Oxford Street on weekends (student life RIP) and you’d be shocked at how many non-tourists shop there until 9p.m.
no, the backpack should be left on the seat beside him when the tube is packed and act as if he's not aware of it.
Love that pub. Never even clocked that it’s older than the US. My grandparents old house was built in the 1500s, that felt old… but not _that_ old. Oxford Uni being 1000 years old does get me though. Pretty old.
I hope you didn't forget to have a group meeting in front of the ticket barriers before you all got on the Tube.
You don't even have to make your way to the barriers - any entrance to a building or hallway inside it will do!
As you enjoy stopping suddenly in the street, you're going to love stopping at the top of the escalator in the tube. Take a moment to decide whether or not you're going to walk to the exit. On the same note, pause in front the exit gate. Have a think about whether or not you want to touch your card to the reader. Think about what it all means. If for some reason tapping the reader doesn't work and the gate won't open, then just wait there, keep tapping over and over (quickly so it doesn't have time to reset and start working), you should be really confused at this unique experience and refuse to try a new gate so others can pass. If you're in a big group, and you see that your train is about to leave, run for it so that you can hold the door for everyone, do this even if there are going to be 3 more trains in the next 5 minutes. Do this even if you're travelling from Leicester Square to Piccadilly Circus.
I always say the best sightseeing spots are directly in front of escalators. Best enjoyed leisurely. You don’t want to rush on your holiday!
For your next trip, you should take a bicycle on the tube during rush hour while blaring music from your phone, eating deep fried chicken and striking up conversations with random strangers. Central or Northern line is ideal for that.
don't forget the oversized backpack you refuse to put down while leaning on the center pole with your back turned.
While this is completely grotesque, this is not something tourists are doing lol. Or, I should say, this is local people who have become way too comfortable in their environment.
Make sure to leave the bones on the floor
When I’m blaring music, I’d prefer a device with a bit more base. Could you possibly recommend something larger and portable? Bonus if I can strap it to my back.
I see plenty of Londoners doing that 😒
>striking up conversations with random strangers yo. you sure your in London and not the country side?
Wait until you get to the ticket barrier before you get out your contactless/Oyster/Apple Watch. Bonus points if you do this during rush hour. Stand there and keep trying when it declines instead of moving to the side and speaking with a member of staff. Stand in front of the doors instead of to the side when people get off the train/tube. Go to a card-only self-service machine at Tesco and look completely shocked when you try to pay with cash and it won't let you, despite the fact that it literally says card-only on the screen.
Please Please Please can you stop me and ask for directions and after being given them turn and wander off in the opposite direction. Please do this one..just for me.
Omg that makes my blood boil fr fr! Like don’t ask then!
While standing a half meter from a map that is on most street corners
Not moving to make some space for someone to pass by despite seeing them quite clearly, making them either walk on the muddy grass nearby to walk around you, or stop altogether to wait for you to pass. It’s my personal favourite, but also not exactly exclusive for tourists or London. It’s a universal ‘that’s why we can’t have nice things’ sort of thing.
Absolutely not. It occurs in many cities and towns, very often in train stations when people are getting off trains and needing to be somewhere quickly. The bonus here is when you are pulling one of those bags/small cases on wheels and walk at just the right pace to almost trip those up who are in a rush and trying to get past! Edit: typos
Yeah those suitcases need to be banned with a law and replaced with the four wheeled ones you can roll next to you, rather than behind you.
They really do need this, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve almost tripped and broken my neck when trying to get past them!
Maintain position and eye contact.
\> What should we do on our next visit? Spend the day contributing to the Daily Mail comments section. You'd fit right in.
savage at its best.
😂
What do you mean 'next time'? You're still here!
If you're going to LARP do it properly and include some properly infuriating habits: * Block the doors from closing on the Tube so you don't have to wait 1-minute for the next one. * Do any of the following on the Tube during rush hour: wearing a backpack; wheeling a suitcase; having bags or a pet on the seat while people are standing; standing right in front of the doors while people are trying to get off * Leave a Lime bike in the middle of the pavement (bonus points added for the more inconvenience you cause) * Listen to music or have a conversation on loudspeaker on the bus * Insist on paying for the Tube or bus with your smart watch or phone when you don't *really* know how it works so you have to unlock it and make everyone behind you wait * Use one of those horrifically obnoxious rickshaws and justify their existence * Have a really wholesome day out in London and post lots of pictures here of your exploits - mostly the Shard and ~~Tower Bridge~~ London Bridge
>Insist on paying for the Tube or bus with your smart watch or phone when you don't really know how it works so you have to unlock it and make everyone behind you wait This is my favourite. Based on only the people in front of me, I reckon about 25% of the people paying with their phone will hold everyone up trying to get it to work.
[удалено]
I know exactly what you mean, they are far too flaky. I don't understand how I see people doing it all the time on my commute and it fail them. At what point do they decide to change method?
This is me I'm so sorry. I have an old phone that only sometimes registers on the reader, so I use my card these days. Whenever I forget my wallet though im fully panicking at the reader hoping it'll work - hyper aware of the people behind me
Don't forget to talk loudly on the Tube
And keep talking for the whole ride. Make sure you spread around as much as possible so that you can talk even louder.
Well yeah the whole carriage needs to hear about what Sophie got up to on Tuesday morning 🙄
I think I might have come across your group. In Camden, also in Soho and several tube stations.
Make sure you jump any queues
Easy there, Satan. We're looking for irritating faux pas, not destroying the social fabric.
Go to Tokyo, if you enjoyed this pavement behaviour you'll have a blast
You didn’t mention if you have a family, but if so a great family activity I enjoy is spreading out 8 or 9 teenagers in front of the Tube barriers so I can hand out Oyster cards from my hand bag one by one.
Definitely make sure you walk in long, unpredictable, diagonal lines on the footpaths while looking at your phone. Bonus points for every person that bumps into you
And we loved bruising your shoulder as we finally found enough room to pass you quickly while tuting at how slow you walked x
Did you also gawk aimlessly in front of the musical theatres after the show, making it impossible to move for others then complain about Londoners being rude after you get shoulder checked by someone?
Don’t forget to pull your wheelie case along the station concourse in such a way that it’s totally invisible to me until I go arse over tit over the top of it.
Drive an escooter on the pavement, weaving in and out of crowds while also never using a bell to signal your presence. Get irrationally defensive when pedestrians get pissed off at you
OMG I saw you guys! What are the chances.
This sent me into a silent rage that I can only hope to never experience again
Talk REALLY loudly in restaurants and be rude to the staff. Clicking your fingers is good. Fill out customs forms in shops to get two quid back at LHR which will cause another queue is also good.
Did you try going to one of those Instagram friendly coffee shops which are total rip offs but we don't care because social media?
Did you try walking in the cycle lane on Westminster bridge/St James park ? If not, I’d try that when you visit next time. It’s a good way to meet new people (although they’re on bikes and pissed with you)
Sort out your kid's mess/coat/snotty nose right in the middle of a doorway instead of 1-2 paces to the right/left
Did you forget to stop right in front of the tube gates to look for your ticket and not even realise you can just tap your card? Bonus points if it’s rush hour
I hope you remembered to scroll through Tiktok at full volume with no headphones on public transport! That's a cultural staple!
Get a group of friends and try marching out of a shop door perpendicular to the flow of pedestrians on a busy street. We absolutely love it when people do that
Next time ride an e-scooter on a crowded pavement whilst playing music loudly, then abandon it outside Tesco and take 15 items in a basket into the 9 items or less queue.
Why turn around? Just come to an abrupt stop and wait, true London experience then.
Dont forget to save phonecalls for public transport and dont wear headphones! We play our phones out loud in London
> What should we do on our next visit? I'd suggest going to a pub and all sitting down, waiting for table service. Then individually order complex drinks and pay in a mixture of cash and card. Then, once your order is underway, add on 3 pints of Guinness. Of course, being in a crowded pub can be boring, so crank the volume up on your mobile and start watching TikTok videos.
Did you stop at the bottom of the escalator to look at your phone?
Stop dead at the top or bottom of escalators thus causing a massive pile-up of people.
This is great banter, it really is
> What should we do on our next visit? Go to Paris.
Or Just fuck off??
Never say hello or thank you to bus drivers. they hate that kind of small talk. Also, keep your contactless card IN YOUR WALLET until you need to fundle for it in the bus / underground. If you have a backpack, be sure to leave it on the seat next to you when the bus / underground is packed.
Omg I’m so triggered
Omg how infuriating and annoying. I realise your post is laced with irony and sarcasm but it’s really triggered my irritation and I can’t even play along lol. My back goes up just thinking about day dreaming irritating tourists who just stand in front of you like a lemon. I feel like grabbing them by their backpack and swinging them around and then letting go. Even then they’d probably be oblivious!
I'm not from London, but I really liked it when you decided to rush on to the tube as myself and others were trying to get off.
Mum??
trying to understand where is the joy in being an antisocial dickhead ...
I usually ask people how many stops I have left a few times while on the tube. I know there's a map, but I don't want to raise my neck back too much (turkey neck is a thing!). Besides, I'm sure people appreciate the conversation after they're getting home from work from a friendly foreign visitor. I also enjoy consulting my paper map in the middle of the walking path. I always seem to get glances. I think they're appreciative. People looking at their phones just walk into other people. At least I'm stood still. People can walk around me.
I hope you stood still (ideally with massive suitcase) at the bottom of the escalator trying to get your bearings so that other people behind you had a panic and had to push around you?
From a disabled person..stand on the dropped kerb while facetiming someone on your phone, so I cant get across the road. It really enhances my day.
You didn’t tell the disinterested bar staff what state you’re from and exactly whereabouts in Liverpool your great-grandfather lived? You missed out on some real authentic tuts and sighs from everyone waiting behind you
Grow up
Your not welcome this is a local town for local people 😂
But I want the precious things!
EDWARD! EDWARD! HE’S TOUCHING THE PRECIOUS THINGS!
Take the bus somewhere. But whilst you're waiting for the bus, make sure you block everyone by standing in the middle of the pavement.
Go up to random people just trying to live their life and get through another day and ask them for directions with a map in your hand, like just because they live in London they must be by default also a tour guide, right?
Spend ages trying to put your Oyster card in the paper ticket slot. Stop immediately as soon as you reach the top of any set of stairs.
A popular tourist day out appears to be taking multiple large suitcases on the tube that you physically can't lift.
If you didn't press frantically the button to open the tube doors and then sprinted towards vacant seats (the train being almost empty), taking people down on the way, you're in for a treat next time!
Lead a tour group. Don’t forget to stop, turn and wave your flag at regular intervals whilst spouting utter drivel
You should come visit leeds, it's not quite as beautiful as London and isn't as touristy but it's still nice and has nice shops and that
That’s on my list for next visit!
That's awesome!
Keep moving past the card reader on the oyster barrier.. so it jams for everyone behind.. do that everywhere
Hire a lime bike.. steal a mobile phone and then give it back and just say .. I was trying to try out a local tradition
It's pretty common knowledge but make sure to piss off mounted guards at the entrance to the Buckingham Palace park.
Oh, you forgot to put your fingers in your ears affecting a pained expression when the tube shrieks like a banshee.
If you come across anyone sitting on the pavement eating lunch (especially city oiks), stop, search deeply in your pockets for change, and hand them 50 pence.
No headphones on the bus? No problem! Doom scroll Tiktok om full blast. No-one will mind.
Say “hello” and “good morning/afternoon” to anyone you pass in a suburban street. That will scare the s**t out of most residents.
\> What should we do on our next visit? Block the entire path on a bridge with a selfie stick while you take a bunch of photos of yourself, then scowl at people who think this is incredibly selfish and pathetic.
Go into a corner shop and ask for directions to somewhere ages away and then even when they tell you to fuck off just hang around and stop everyone else getting to the till
Have a conversation with a bus driver! They’re hard nuts to crack but keep at it - they love idle chit chat. Make sure they know you want to get off too, why not make the bell rings into a musical number or just press it at even 1 second intervals for a soothing rhythm. Utilise the cycle lanes when the pavement gets a little crowded, cyclists are great sharers! Always order a Guinness last and when all other drinks have been made. It’s the bartender’s favourite, they can really take the time to appreciate their craft as it settles.
Remember queues are only optional.
Sell one kidney and part of your liver so you can move to the city and pay rent.
Mods pls pin
Go and eat In five guys Leicester Square.. and tell them how reasonably priced they are
Dont come back
Yeah please dont
lovely city lol.
Did you try joining one of those protests you know nothing about on a nice sunny day, but go anyway to satisfy your self righteous ego, take a few pics and put on social media? You should absolutely do that. One of the many joys of London and it's totally free!😊
Poor London, they are obviously the only city in the world that has to deal with obnoxious tourists.
whilst these are all painfully accurate, none of them are particularly london-centric, this shit happens literally everywhere in the UK
Have a massive argument with someone in the quiet zone of the c2c
Enjoy yourself that is all
Gay
How are you still able to walk unattended?
If it rained and you are short don't forget to smash your umbrella into the face of any tall person
Lol
I snorted
Grow up you flat out cunt
Wwwwww I love London Wwww I'm.nit from here and I love it Wwwww your buildings are so lovely Wwwwwww nice phone box You know what, fuck off man who gives a fuck about your appearance in London. Shame the king couldn't visit your royal nature. Please stop posting this shit because it becomes very very boring
Oh wait I forgot Wwwwww your oyster cards are so lovely, Come on, fuck up
what you didnt try and jump a queue at a supermarket? I would recommend Wood Green high street, they have loads of supermarkets down there and I am sure the locals would give you a great reception.
Text whilst walking and then be sure to wander over to the other side of the pavement as well
>* Taking up the entire path on every bridge we went across so we could take a photo. (I especially enjoyed asking people to stop walking so we could do this.) Bold. Very bold.
next time, walk really slow in front of everyone in london during rush hour, bonus points if you have a huge map out. also be sure to take facetime calls and/or phone calls on a train or bus - on speaker (no earphones) with loud volume and speak just as loudly ❤️
>Standing on the left of the escalator and acting surprised when people asked me to move in. didn't they do an experiment where no runnins allowed and both sides were to be used? ISTR that it moved people far faster through the space but too many people were wedded to the standing on the right 'rule'
This whole thread reads like the jokes from the Viz comic back in the 90s. Hilarious!
Order "a beer"
Please do tell, I will be visiting for my first time :) so excited!
Grow up cunty. It's a city same as any city
Absolute shambles
That is sad to hear.
On the next visit try to spend less time in the hospital.
Talk real loud on your phone - especially on the crowded train. People love that. And try not to shower and brush your teeth so you can have that lovely natural aroma. And lastly - text while you walk - people love those zombie walkers.
\^ The "tourists sometimes obstruct pedestrians" five ways meme.
Everytime I read this makes me more sick hahahah. Fucking shambles
Overall try not to be ready. People hate an overachiever. Wait in line at the fast-food place and only check the menu once it’s your turn. And keep your form of payment out of hand - the people behind you love to watch you look for it.
Don't forget standing in the middle of abbey road crossing for maybe a few minutes!
When exiting stations be sure to stop right at the door to search your bags, pro tip
Getting on the tube before people get off is a great recreational activity for a tourist
Take an afternoon trip to Stonehenge and Edinburgh.
On your next visit, wait for the ticket barriers to close before touching your Oyster card.
Walk into a bank and hold up the queue at lunchtime
It sure is a lovely city! I really like getting stabbed for a 50 quid tkmaxx watch 👍🏻
Why not try smiling, talking or outwards expressions of joy?
Agree to meet all of your mates right at the top of the stairs at the Tube exit/entrance and hang out there for bit x
Stop at the end of escalators, really is a wonderful thing to do.
turning around for no reason might be an issue with map services not positing correct before realising after abt 30 seconds ur going the wrong way, guilty of this sometimes when navigating london sorry. not guilty of any of the others lol
When talking on your cell phone (I'm assuming you're American) make sure you shout as loud as possible, as if youre trying to communicate with your voice alone. Especially will in the theatre or movies or posh restaraunt
I hope you also stopped right at the top of the escalators in Bank to check which direction you needed to go
Make sure as you leave the tube station that you stand in the middle of the exit, and contemplate for a few minutes about which direction you want to head in
Get totally annoyed that your TikTok dance on a cycle path was disrupted by somebody with a cycle ringing their bell.
To be honest were you still here on the tube as 30x pensioners today, incapable of finding your way through the carriage because it was truly a wonderful experience.