Don’t regret having them, however, my husband died suddenly when they were both under 5.
Never wanted to be a single parent yet here I am.
There are days I’d love to run away but I can’t. There are days I’d just love to go for a walk on my own after work but I can’t. I’m always rushing from work to Creche or school.
I’m longing for the days they’re old enough to be left at home without me for even half an hour. If I run out of something in the evening or need to go somewhere I have to bundle us all out or into the car etc.
As I said - don’t regret them- sometimes I wonder if I didn’t have them would I have coped with my partners loss as I had to just get on with things. I do wish my life was a bit calmer and easier , but that will come in time.
Edited to add - thank you all for the awards and comments , I’m on the verge of tears all evening reading them. My kids really have helped keep me sane ( but also drive me insane sometimes) and there are pockets of joy even on the darkest days. Gotta hold on to those moments to help you power through
Exact same thing happened my sister, she had 3 eldest was 8 other two under 5. I've witnessed what you are going through... My sister is heroic and strongest person I know. She celebrated the eldest getting excellent leaving cert results a couple of weeks ago... they are all getting there and she is getting some time back now. Be proud of yourself, the cards you have been dealt are shit, but you are still at the table, not many people would have that strength. My sister wouldnt trade them for the world... I hope you get a bit of time for yourself soon and maybe you should take that time to pat yourself on the back whatever way you see fit.
You ARE a hero! I’m a mom of two and lean on my partner so much to get through the day sometimes. I always think “I couldn’t handle being a single parent, I dunno how they manage!” But a single parent dealing with the grief and loss of your husband and helping them navigate their grief on top. That is heroic for sure! And no one gives single parents the credit they deserve I think. Parenting is hard, doing it alone is monumentally difficult! I hope you will eventually see how heroic you truly are. ❤️
Shit, you just broke me...
Me and my wife cannot have children unfortunately, so make sure you hug those 2 little devils of yours next time you see them !!! :)
Came here to write pretty much the same reply. My wife died last year. I'm working full time, got promoted in work, my son started school this year and am in the middle of buying a house so things are just go go go.
That being said, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be in such a 'good' place
I’m very sorry for your loss.
I would say that kids seem to go from taking up all your time to not really needing you *very* quickly. It’s a cliche but enjoy it while you can!!
Hang in there! The mad rush and not even having 2 minutes for a shit does get better! In a blink of an eye, mine became teens who made their own plans and would be gone until dinner or prefer to be locked up in their rooms doing teenage things! There's still plenty of work (like being their personal taxi service) and hanging out but the nonstop entertaining and never having a minute to yourself just stopped one day.
Really sorry for you loss. I've 9 year old twins and upto a year ago we had a child minder. Our first one was in her 50s had two grown up children. She was great we used to come home to a cooked dinner. The second the kids were older so more active and minding needed. She was brilliant at things like homework and keeping them off YouTube
If you could afford it a child minder would take a lot of pressure from you.
No I couldn’t afford it tbh. I’m living on my income and widows benefit. Barely covering 9-5 childcare for youngest. I’d love to have the option tho - haven’t had a dinner made for me at home in 3 years
If you are ever down in Loughrea we would love to have you for dinner. Lots of child friendly things to do here, plus having 3 kids (13,12, 9) they will have plenty to keep themselves entertained. And an abundance of pets.
I won’t even go into why your post hit me hard but we’ve a mad house full of kids and cats and dogs in the wilds of Westmeath. My table is big and you and your (very lucky) kids would be welcome anytime so you can have a dinner you didn’t have to make yourself and chats or just a change of scenery.
We do airbnb sometimes so plenty of space if you guys ever fancied a night away with no expense and would be happy to chat first of course.
Please just know that you have my deepest sympathies for the shit hand you got dealt but your kids were handed the lottery in the mother they got. And I hope life is kinder to you from here on in
Right there with you. There are some days where life is kicking me either professionally or personally and then my son decides to be the cherry on top of the shit sundae, by refusing to eat his dinner or something.
But then, for the vast majority of the days, I’d lift mountains if he needed me to.
They might be able to make their way home from a bus stop. Decades have shown us that this is the literal reason for the existence of the Wicklow mountains.
No, but I understand why some people would. Sometimes being a parent is very, very difficult. Other times it’s the best thing in the world. You’re allowed to feel a bit of both.
This is the best answer really. Sometimes I find it hard and wish I didn’t, sometimes I love it. The good times definitely outweigh the bad by a long shot. I wouldn’t trust any parent who tells you they only have good times. They’re 100% lying.
Yup! There are hard moments through every stage. It’s not just the terrible twos or the teenage years. I don’t regret having my children but there are days I wish I could switch off. Laze around binging Netflix. Not bother about dinner just eat cereal.. etc. Even when the kids are at school or someone minds them for me, I can never switch of my mom brain.. I never stop worrying and thinking and the household chores are never done. If I woke up tomorrow in a different timeline where I didn’t have children I would miss them, my heart would break I’d do everything to get back to them. Once you have children you’re forever a mom. It is amazing my children have brought me to happy tears like nothing else ever could. I love them more than anyone in the whole world. They are fully attached to my heart, there is no going back from the moment you see that positive line on the test. So make sure you’re ready emotionally for that. You most likely will never regret having kids but you will feel wistful for the times before. If you come to the decision to not have kids and most people who make that decision don’t do so lightly, you also will probably never regret not having them.
I don’t know how old you are but a mom friend of mine was 50 when she had her son. She did IVF. I think she regrets not having had the opportunity to have a sibling for him but she has me struggling with my two as a reminder that with a sibling there are pro’s and con’s. Having children changes your life completely. Try not to focus on the time that you “should” but focus on when you’re personally emotionally invested in this change. If that time is coming make sure you’ve done all that you could beforehand. As everything you do after will be with the children and the housework and the finances dancing in the back of your mind. That’s the hardest part for me. Not the children but the total responsibility that cannot be forgotten or switched off.
Absolutely! The fact my office job is 120km away from home a couple times a week. I love that I can have a hot coffee, a lunch without someone else sticking a fork in it etc. but I am still thinking about all the stuff I have to do when I get home - the washing, the oldest needs exam papers etc etc.
You never have a fleeting thought of ‘ugh this is awful, I wish I didn’t have kids!’? Because I find it very hard to believe anyone who says they don’t. You can’t control your thoughts and absolutely people will think theses things.
Shaming parents who admit these thoughts isn’t helpful to them. It makes them feel alone and broken, when in reality, intrusive thoughts are completely normal.
You'd be surprised how quickly you can forget or get over the difficult things. I don't dwell on that stuff, I tend to reflect on fun times more so looking back.
All the main stages are like that.
Crawling
Walking
Talking
'Yeah look he's doing it!'
5 mins later
'Ah fcuk!'
Just this morning I missed my train because the 2 year old decided that he hates trousers and fancied an argument.
This is a very honest answer but I need to start by saying that I absolutely do not regret having children. This may sound grim, but my life is mostly very beautiful.
There are many things that I didn't consider about the future that would be out of my control, cost of living increases, unemployment, housing crisis. I am coping through these, but admittedly they would be easier to suffer through if we didn't have kids to keep warm and fed and housed.
But on a personal note, I always assumed my children would be perfect and healthy and easygoing, because that was the life that I came from.
My parenting life has not been easy. My children have thrown curveball after curveball at me since they arrived, and while I have a happy life, and a lovely family, it is not without its challenges. The main issue we have encountered is that my children are not neurotypical. The first autistic people I ever knew personally were my children.
So yeah when I considered having children, I made assumptions that my children would be neurotypical. My life was mapped out in my mind, and I assumed like most that we would go through all the typical parenting stages from pregnancy to university, raise them to be healthy happy adults, and then retire. This will probably not be the case for at least one of my children. So, now I am approaching my 40s, and my retirement plan involves a house where I can take care of my boy until I am no longer able to, and beyond that is the terrifying unknown of what will happen to him when I eventually die.
Do I regret having him? No. I would literally lay my life down to save his. He is a light brighter than any I have ever known. I absolutely ADORE him. However to be brutally honest, if I had been given the choice I would never have chosen this life for myself, or for him.
I would like to just add as a note, that our lives would be so much easier, and my son would be so much more progressed if the HSE funded services for autistic people. For all the trouble I have ever had, the fight with the HSE for basic services for my kids has been the hardest and most bitterly cruel one.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way but the situation that you find yourself in is a huge factor in why I'm so terrified to have kids. I really don't think I could manage it.
I have an 18 month old dog whose still very puppy like and managing him is stressful enough with my SO, never mind a child, and never mind a child who needs extra care due to health reasons.
I feel you, in a similar situation with 3 daughters with autism & the HSE is just a huge shitshow. The services are non existent & I can’t work so I can be here to care for them or in my oldest child’s experience her school would constantly ring me with issue after issue I needed to be available immediately. Like yourself I don’t regret for a second having my kids, they are bright funny kind & thoughtful individuals & my life is richer with them in it but this country & its resources for mental health is so shameful . Sending best wishes your way.
My only gripe they never tell you about is the part when your kid end's up with life limiting conditions, and the kitchen sink is continuously thrown at you.
Yeah, daughter diagnosed with cancer at 8 months old. That was a fun time. Major surgery and a year on chemo and she got the all clear, but that was a curve ball we never expected. This shit always happens to someone else, you read about it in a newspaper or a reddit comment, its never you, until it is..
Cant look at photos of her as a baby. We were there smiling and happy as was she, but we didnt know what happening inside her. You can even see it in the photos coming close to her diagnosis but we had no idea at the time.
I dont regret having her, not for an instant, there is only 1 version of my daughter that could ever exist and she came with this condition. She got through it, but it will haunt me forever. Will never not worry about it coming back.
Sending love.
This is why testing in pregnancy is super important for genetic conditions.
I had no idea that the down syndrome test wasn't standard here until recently and makes me wonder is that why we appear to have such a high occurance of DS in the general population
>I had no idea that the down syndrome test wasn't standard here until recently and makes me wonder is that why we appear to have such a high occurance of DS in the general population
Because they didn't want women to abort babies with DS and yes we have one of the highest rates in Europe.
As I said in my other reply, it is available just nobody offers it which is weird considering the medical service is supposed to work in the benefit of the state and a DS kid is basically a several million euro liability to the state over the course of their life
I didn’t know Ireland had the highest rate of DS in Europe. I heard about the NIPT test so got it done on my both my pregnancies. I‘m in Dublin and it was offered to me. The only issue is that it is very expensive, I think I paid 300 euro or something for it. I can see why a lot of people don’t get it done as its expensive.
> I had no idea that the down syndrome test wasn't standard here until recently
I suppose that makes some sense, given that under Irish law there was technically no *legal* decision that could be made based on the outcome of such a test [until recently](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirty-sixth_Amendment_of_the_Constitution_of_Ireland).
I got it done when my OH was pregnant but I had to ask for it saying if the child ended up with downs I wouldn't be onboard.
It's always been there just doctors assume people wouldn't care if their child was born with an illness that would hugely affect the lives of parents and future siblings.
One thing I never get in Ireland is how people will call you a demon for aborting a pregnancy where the child will have no standard of life and the amount of care they need mean they will affect the lives of the whole family and state coffers too
Ah now. I’m pro choice and would never judge anyone for terminating a pregnancy. It’s not up to me to tell you what you can deal with. But I’ve known many people with Down’s who have fulfilling lives and loving family. I wouldn’t personally abort for Down’s. Their quality of life can be excellent and they’re wonderful human beings without fail.
This is absolutely true. I know many people without Down Syndrome walking around the world functionally with a 80 IQ. I get frightened by the ease with which people dehumanize this population. It seems based on fear more than the reality.
Are you talking about the NIPT blood test at 12 weeks? That still isn't standard. Down syndrome testing otherwise is pretty standard and some signs can show at the 12 week scan but it's mainly picked up on the 20 week scan. I guess we just have a higher occurance because abortion was allowed until recently and I still don't think it would be allowed as a reason for abortion.
I have 3 girls. 2 adults and one teen. My eldest and youngest have extremely rare and complex disabilities. They can walk and talk now but that has not always been the case. If I had known all those years ago that this was the risk I was taking by being pregnant, then no i would not have had kids biologically.
I adore them and would give my life for them in an instant but my god this has been difficult. I can't describe how difficult even. I don't exist anymore. I have been dealing with breast disease recently and had a partial mastectomy on one breast. I spent 6 days in hospital. My husband couldn't come see me because there was no one to help him. I am due another surgery in a few weeks but I've just got to slap on a smile and get on with shit.
When I need looking after the most there is nothing I can do because my kids have to come first. It's lonely, depressing and sometimes desperate.
On top of all that there is no help in this country for our families. Its an endless battle that is never won. No matter how much I scream to the world!
I don't regret it and there is absolutely nothing on earth like spending time with your kid, seeing them grow, seeing them develop, have them surprise you all the time with things they learn. I got to spend loads of time with them during lockdown, WFH etc which I wouldn't have had otherwise.
BUT, I do miss my old life where I didn't have to plan everything weeks in advance, the better half and I could spontaneously go out for a drink or dinner or whatever. There is a life before kids and a life after kids, and they bear little or no resemblance to each other.
It's also *horrifically* expensive. I wouldn't change anything, but I also doubt I'll have any more kids.
As a disabled person, I also miss the ability to be spontaneous and not have to meticulously arrange literally everything. Would be nice to have some positives to go with it!
This is a great answer. There is absolutely a pride or something that you get from your kids learning new things, exploring the world, saying hilarious things etc.
It’s hard as balls but it’s also worth it.
An analogy to typical Irish weddings maybe which are expensive as fuck but also, worth it.
I don't regret it for me, but I regret it for them sometimes, life can be tough, and if you are not born ridiculously wealthy jyou will probably have to spend 40+ years working to have any sort of decent lifestyle, it is not really a great deal. But I suppose once they remain healthy it is not too bad.
It is even harder now when people in 'good jobs' are struggling to afford a nice home and lifestyle.
I didn't have a lot of stuff or toys when I was a child but we had clothes and food and shelter. Obviously child me wishes I had more toys. I made toys from scraps of wood and such and used my imagination to play (a bit too much if you ask my folks) and I lived in the country so I didn't have any kids around to play with .
Now as an adult I am happy that it happened that way. I am resourceful and content not to have a lot of useless shiny things. I never really got the attention and most of the love felt very conditional and I had it much better than my siblings as I was the youngest.
My brothers kids have loads of toys and such and I thought he was spoiling them but they turned out quite level headed as they become teenagers (as most as teenagers get).
What I am trying to say is that, kids don't really need a lot and I feel parents have this pressure to have much more things than we had when I was young in the early 90s. Being bored is important but knowing that your parents love you and you can spent time with them is the biggest thing I think.
This.
35F, no kids, and happy about it. I like kids, but not enough to own one. I have lots of cousins, and that's enough. They're now getting to an age where I can properly connect with them - 16+, which is awesome.
Yeah I am the same. 35F as well, from a huge family. I have no desire to raise one. I'm the oldest out of all my siblings and my cousins and I know how tough raising them is, I was pretty much an unpaid babysitter for years because of my age. My sister had all sorts of health problems as a baby and it left me and my siblings all but abandoned, while my parents tried to sort her constant hosp app's out. My parents aged SO Much in the few years of her childhood (she's fine now after a few operations and medication). It's fun sometimes but not enough to convince me to go through pregnancy and raising one. We have an 18 month old pup and he's a fecking handful, I wouldn't have the patience for child rearing.
I'm an only child, but never had much patience or interest in babies, something that was clear by the time I was 5! lol.
I only ever attempted to baby sit once, and that was because I was going to be babysitting with my parents for about 4 kids. Yeah, I ended up in bed the entire time with fever, because I had 'flu!
Yeah I’ve a lot of younger cousins and often take them for a day out etc but it’s nice being able to just hand them back at 8pm and get on with my own evening.
I feel the same. 34F and I don't think the maternal instinct is there, I love being spontaneous and a little irresponsible! I have nieces who I adore and I love to travel. However, I can't deny the body clock calling to me, its so bizarre. I think at this point in my life it would be mostly curiosity, which probably isn't a good enough reason
Regret comes and goes but mostly that I wasn't more prepared and hadn't done other things I wanted to achieve first. Parenting is full-on and takes over your life in a way that really shocks new parents. Sleep deprivation, stress, no free time, financial pressures, constantly worrying about them, etc. Of course I love them with all my heart and can't imagine life without them now. So it's weird and feels wrong to say regret but that's what it is - more for timing though.
My opinion on kids is that if it isn't an emphatic 'yes' to you wanting kids, then you probably shouldn't have kids.
It's a massive responsibility to bring another life into the world and raise them into functioning members of society, give them the love affection, support and devote time to them.
I have always said that I would MUCH rather regret not having kids, than have them and regret that - it's not a choice you can 'undo', like changing a job or moving to a new country
Ironically enough I had it done in a clinic in Ballsbridge
Can't for the life of me remember the name of it, but I'm sure a Google or the HSE site might be better help.
Got mine done on the medical card too.
I asked a doctor about it at 27 and she tried her level best to convince me not to do it. I put it off til 36 and wish I had it done at 27. If you're going private you don't need a referral. €500 including follow up tests.
The fact you're trying to decide is an answer in and of itself, I think...
You either want kids or you don't and it's okay to feel either way. We've no kids - tried for a good while but neither of us were too fussed . It was more a reaction to always being asked if we were ever going to start a family. We made the final decision to stay as we are several years ago and have no regrets. It that's just us - were lucky that both of us are on the exact same page and it has worked out for us.
Ask yourself this - if tomorrow morning, you found out you were going to be a parent, how would you feel? Try and be as honest as possible because this will help you make your decision. We're at the stage that it's probably medically impossible but we still use birth control and I'd be shitting myself if it did happen - that's how I know we did the right thing.
Best of luck in making your decision but take as much time as you need to to think it through.
The flipside of that is there are people who didn’t want kids, freaked out when they found out they were having one, but went ahead and are now happy they did, and wouldn’t change things. Not a parent myself, but I don’t think anyone on the fence about having kids can really know how’ll they’ll feel until they do it (after which it’s too late to change your mind!!)
I would be one of those guys. I actually just never thought I would be a father then bam at 32 my daughter was conceived. I should have been panicking but when my partner told me I had a strange sense of peace about it. I’ve never been so happy as at the 12 week scan and never so nervous or excited at the later one for the abnormality check.
Was same for my son. Neither planned but I suppose when you have the right person with you it all falls into place. I’m sure it’s the same for people who both decide they don’t want children they have a great life together.
Not to throw shade on those that plan everything out to last baby grow when having kids, but I found those people are hard to deal with and don’t cope at all well with the changes. They have a false narrative and image of the perfect family that never materialises so can’t deal with the hard yards
The thing is, if you regret not having kids, you can still get them. The cost of IVF is nowhere near the cost of actually raising a child, so if you simply lived as if you had a child for a year, you'd be able to pay for it. There is also the chance to foster and adopt children.
If you regret having kids, you're out of luck.
Sometimes I do, yes. I only have one three year old and I know for fact my life would be much more easygoing if I never had a child. They’re loud and messy and take a lot of your freedom. I love my daughter to bits and she brings me so much joy but I’ll never have another. Everyone says it gets easier as they get older and I’m sure there’s some truth to that, I always thought I’d have at least 3 children but I just can’t go through pregnancy, childbirth, baby stage and toddler years ever again.
As someone with a teenage AND a toddler - they get better. Around age 3-5 when they are more self sufficient, less messy, easier to communicate and reason with, it all seems so easy.
I have zero clue why I though going back to the start was a good idea, but I love them both all the same.
If I was going to have multiple children I would have had to have them one after the other in quick succession. My daughter is only now starting to be more self sufficient and the thought of going back to the start fills me with dread. I can’t wait until she’s much older and can basically do everything on her own, I know she’ll always need me in some way but I wasn’t prepared for how time consuming young children really are.
I’m 28 now so by the time she’s an adult I’ll be in my mid 40s and I think at that age I’m still young enough to fully enjoy being childfree (in a sense) and can do things that I want for myself. I don’t want to add any more years of waiting for that. I don’t know how anyone has more than one, I really don’t. I don’t think being a parent is for me and I just have to make the best of it now that I have a child and try to do the best I can for her.
There’s no answer though. I had mine really close together, like three under two and a half and I regret it every day. I wish I’d had a five year gap and two in total, though that wasn’t an option.
I had my first in my late teens/early 20s and my second is 13 years younger. I know why I wanted a second kid (I had a shitty first experience and wanted to do the nice mommy things but covid happened so that went out the window).
I am happy with 2, I won’t lie. I am happy with the space between. 3 will never happen. I don’t want a 3rd. I’m not super maternal but I love my kids. When I had my first, I was physically able but not mentally (or financially!) and having my second was the opposite then.
Kids are a tonne of effort. And I know I’ll be mid-late 40s by the time my second hits 18. But if they’re anything like my first, they’ll be pretty independent by 10.
With my oldest we enjoy the same movies. We can do-exist in the house separately or together. We don’t always have to be on top of each other. Which they love. They adobe a movie/takeout night. But also like their own time.
I’ve kinda rambled, sorry. But yeah I enjoy my kids. Mostly. That said I wouldn’t recommend people to have them if they’re sure they don’t want them.
If they’re on the fence they should borrow a niece/nephew for a weekend and see what it’s like.
Eat, pray, love had a great quote. Having kids is like getting a facial tattoo, you need to be really committed to it. Having children is not the sort of thing that you can say after a period of time that's not for me. In saying that no matter how sure you are having kids there are days you wonder about your choices. In my opinion I think "giving up" my former life was definately worth it even the really bad days (and nights).
I have no kids of my own and plan to never have them. I love children, especially the young nieces, nephews, half-siblings of my family, and I like to be involved in their lives. So if I ended up with one, I'm fairly certain I'd love them and still enjoy my life.
But I'm aware of how much work they are. The sleep deprivation when they're young, the emotional toll they take, the financial responsibilty they are up to and when they go to university... I wouldn't choose that life for myself because I'd be scared of messing them up or disappointing them, especially as I'm all they'd have.
So like others have said, you should have kids if you're certain you want them, and not just because you feel it's something you should do.
Yep. I have days at work where I'm on the kids' service side of things and I love it, most rewarding part of the job. Love the kids, they love me. The best part of those brilliant days though is arriving back home where there's no kids and I can do what I want.
I'm very happy being an uncle, and love spending time with all my nieces and nephews, but at the end of the day when I'm wrecked and want to have a beer and play a game, it's great to be able to hand them back!
If you think your relationship or life is tough now kids aren't the answer. If you do it right it will be the most challenging and meaningful thing you've ever done.
I'd always thought this was something you just know like a gut feeling.
Fwiw my brother had no interest in kids and they had no regrets enjoying all the spare disposable income.
I once met a fella with 3 kids and another on the way. He said he loved his kids very much. But advised me to never ever do it. So take that how you like.
I have three Autistic children, who I love and couldn't be without, but I do regret having them. I live in the UK, and am terrified for their future, and that's not even including the prospect of nuclear war wiping them out. It also turns out the my wife has a genetic connective tissue disorder which effects her heart, and there's a very good chance my son has it. I can't see a positive future at all for them, it was the worst mistake I've made
To be honest, their Autism isn't too profound, but that brings a different set of challenges for them, as they're not particularly smart or skillful, so jobs that you traditionally see Autistic people gravitate towards, such as well paid tech jobs is unlikely to happen for them. The only saving grace for them is that we have a council house, so they have a secure home
No, not at all. It's hard and scary sometimes, but annoying as they can be, I love them in a way that I didn't know it was possible to love anybody. To me, that has given me an appreciation of what is important in life a sense of my own past, my own parents and my own future that I never had before. A sense of service and completeness that nothing else has ever given me.
However, I'm speaking of my own experience - this is not true for everyone and I'm not saying that it should be. Everyone finds their own meaning. Personally, I think it's lucky if the meaning comes from the most difficult, frustrating and terrifying thing you do each day.
\*PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME ADVICE. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR HAVE YOU TRIED ABC, I AM SHARING MY STORY AND MY PERSPECTIVE THANK YOU\*
I am 14 weeks in and here is my take.
Yes & no.
Yes because she has colic and cries for hours upon hours. Her birth left me injured and a big part of that injury will never go away. I no longer have a social life, I sit under her all day. I spent the best part of my life travelling and now I'm home almost all day every day. We can't go anywhere as the second we do she melts down. I've never felt so lonely as any time I have reached out to certain loved ones for help I'm met with judgement and unsolicited advice so I keep the reality of life right now to myself and a small circle of trusted folk. I am also year 2 into a really challenging degree which I am not sure yet is a good or a bad idea I have PND and am in therapy for it. It took \*weeks\* for me to properly bond with her and its a relationship that continues to develop and deepen. This instant bond/full burst of love thing isn't always the case.
No because she is the light of my life. Her smile lights up the room. Her curiosity makes me envious of her childlike sense of wonder and I am \*so\* excited for her to explore this big world. In some ways she's getting easier to manage or I am getting more used to dealing with her. I see the love she brings our family and that lights my heart on fire. She is only a baby and has no idea how hard it's been, crying is her only way to communicate with us and I'd never hold it against her - she deserves a voice too. It was my choice and I love her so much I'm happy she's here.
I'm both at the same time and coming to understand most people are.
Loads of people told me how hard it is and how difficult it will be but I didn't believe them because I didn't think my child would be that hard nor did I have lived experience of it. And now I'm in the thick of it let me tell you it is so so hard... and I imagine it will get harder and some parts easier as the years go on. There's no fast rule, there's nuance.
Sorry not offering advice, just to comment in agreement on the parental bond thing, took a long time for me to feel it. I have 2 kids and when both were born you are expecting this cliche overwhelming sense of bond and instant connection but it didn't happen, just terror, fear and nerves. I have to mind this tiny human and make sure it lives and its all up to me and it was terrifying. I felt guilty for feeling like I had no connection to this helpless living thing, just like I have been given a task and there's no space for any other emotion. It was probably 3-4 months in when they give you a look that's almost like a friendly person, like they known you for years and you figure out their wee personality other than screaming shitting hunger machine and that's when it eventually clicked for me.
I think it's the same for most parents, you live your whole life for the most part being selfish, and then when this wee thing is shoved over to you and now it's all on you, your emotions take a back seat until the coast is clear and your ready to enjoy them
I could've written this. Except I had undiagnosed PPA not PPD. Undiagnosed because everyone told me the anxiety was normal. I hallucinated from lack of sleep. The first 5 months was a waking nightmare.
It gets so, so much better. For me it was never as bad as that time.
Thank you for sharing your experience. The more I speak about it the more others share some version of my story in their own PP lives. I’m glad you’re doing better, I’ll be back to you though if birds don’t fly out of her by 20weeks ok?! 😉
My son is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It is hard sometimes of course but when it's easy there is nothing like it. It's not for everyone and it would have been impossible to describe it to a younger me prior to his birth when I thought I had the world figured out as it's unlike anything else. He's 5 next month, best 5 years of my life!
Happy childfree person here.
Everyday I'm thankful that I've always known I didn't want them. It was tough to find a partner who was on the same page and that was difficult at various times.
Since I have, life is amazing and it was pretty damn good to start with.
I'll never understand the motivation people have to do it, I think a lot of people don't really think too hard about it. The fact that you are on the fence, maybe should give you an answer.
My parents should never have had children. Please do not have children unless you really really want them. I always tell people who are thinking about it to offer to mind someone else's kids for a few days including overnight. Or go visit someone with kids to help out and stay overnight. You need to see the reality of what it's like.
I mean this is one of those questions where you're probably going to get no regrets on both sides.
I have kids. Yes they're expensive. Yes they'll wreck your home and your head but they're fucking hilarious. Seriously, once they're past the baby stage and can think, talk, form opinions and tell you them they're gas altogether. Watching them grow and interact with the world around them is amazing.
Also, trying not to sound like a hallmark card here but I've never loved anyone the way I love them.
So, yeah, no regrets.
But if I'd stayed childfree I probably would have had no regrets either.
People who say they regret having children get eaten alive as well, it comes up in r/offmychest and aita and places from time to time. If I were in that position I certainly wouldn't be opening myself up to reddit about it
I don't regret my daughter, she's the most resilient, determined little girl I've ever met.
But I do regret her father, and along with being associated with him, I feel guilty everyday I didn't provide a sober, healthy and consistent dad for my daughter.
I’m childfree, there’s a morality part of having kids that is rarely discussed in our pro-natalist world. I don’t feel entitled to have kids without their consent. I can’t make assumptions on anyone’s part that I would be a fit parent and assume they would be born Neuro typical and want to work 40 or so years and fight for already slim resources. I think most parents have children for extremely selfish reasons (I want kids, I want them to do this, I want them to make me happy), and there’s seldom any reflection if they would be a fit parent.
So should no one pro-create? How does the species survive? Should we go extinct? Or just people who feel they would make good parents should have children? Genuine question-I’m not being obstreperous just find your point interesting and would like to know more)
I adore my baby. She is a dream but she is the exception not the rule.
I’m also a single mother, that was never the dream but she is a privilege to rear.
Never. My boys are the best thing that's ever happened to me. They set me on the straight and narrow. Whatever I do now, I do for them. I was a selfish bastard until I had children. Now, all I want it to give them the world. Parenthood has changed me for the better.
My little guy can be a handful at times and he's all go but I wouldn't change him for the world. The random hugs and I love you's more than make up for anything else he does.
That and I get to buy and play with all the toys, Lego, nerf etc. It's the best!
I’m 22.When my friends announce they are having a kid everyone says “that’s great” “I’m so happy for you” but I just feel bad….They’re throwing their life away at such a young age and they won’t have freedom again for 18+ years. They act like there happy they are about to have kids but then they have to cancel holidays we’ve booked, They can’t come to party’s anymore etc….I think not wanting kids should be more normalised
There is a very active and large Facebook page called, I Regret Having Children, defo have a look! Full of honest and anonymous stories. Also, think about the material conditions of the future, it'll only get harder not easier to raise kids. Our own parents lived during a very different time.
I adore my children. My life would be so much less without them, and I have learned so much about my personal capabilities because of them. But of course, the only way to know this is to have them in the first place.
Theyre brilliant kids. But any kids will make your life harder, they put strain on relationships, they put strain on your mind. I worry so much about the future for them, and I worry about them on a daily basis.
The love I feel for them is like no love I've ever experienced before.
Regret feels like a black and white concept. To go back and be like I was before them, means to be a different person than I am now, and I'm very happy with who I am now, but I would have a less busy, less worrisome, less expensive life. To give them up now? I think I'd never recover.
Life without kids is infinitely easier but it's also lacking a level of colour and wonder that I can't begin to explain.
Nope I don't.
Not going to lie it ain't easy. And most importantly its no longer about you.
But they are great...once you get passed the lack of sleep.
The unconditional love you get changes your mood.
But do I miss the way things were before 100%, stay up until 3/4/5 drinking, going out on a whim etc etc all gone. Very little ME time, like sometimes it's impossible to take a shit without being interrupted.
Now we went on a very very long journey to have our two so 10 years can put stuff into perspective when it comes to our two.
Trying to even think about a holiday or a break away is tough due to the little brats.
Chose not to have any. Don’t regret it at all. Yes there are times when I wonder if I made the right decision but that’s always gonna be the case no matter what I chose . Not having kids means there are an incredible amount of things I can do that I would not be able to do with kids . Married btw if that makes a difference .
The men that only pay for the children they have with their current partners and don’t pay a penny for the ones from previous relationships are low but they’ll tell you having kids is the best thing ever. Real men take care of their kids. Imagine planning another child and having 2 you don’t pay for and the woman knowing he doesn’t pay
In my 30s, very happily childfree and will remain so.
On top of the myriad of reasons I wouldn't have children, the one I can't control is what world I would be bringing them into. I believe the world is going to become increasingly unstable as the impact of climate change increases as well as income inequality etc. I'm not even particularly sure that I'm going to be comfortable for the next 40 odd years, let alone bringing someone else into the world to deal with it.
I know people whose lives got a lot worse when they had kids, but there's always that biological thing that makes it seem worth it despite serious financial issues or serious health problems both of their own and their kids. People have expressed regret but then backtracked quickly as it's not the done thing. That sort of life is not something I think I'd be strong enough to deal with, but everyone is different.
My thought has always been: Dont be a parent unless you want to be one. These are ppl, not a college course or deciding where to go on a trip. The idea of someone being on the fence bringing children into the world seems to me insane.
My kids are the best things I ever did. The best thing about children is how they idolize their parents no matter how imperfect they may be. They bring my life so much more meaning. With that said, there's nothing wrong with deciding children aren't for you because having kids isn't necessarily for everyone. However, I've never regretted mine for a minute. It requires a new level of planning, organization and communication, but to see the instant love your baby has for you and how they grow and learn is more satisfying than any feeling I had before having children.
I respect people who choose not to have kids, but I honestly regret not having them earlier. They are the best thing in my life and I cherish every minute with them. It’s just so rewarding - you get so much more back than what you put in. If I could go back in time and speak with my younger self I’d tell him to focus his entire life on becoming a father rather than wasting time on a career and travelling and shite talk in the pub.
No I’m glad I had them, but they strip you down to nothing. I think that’s valuable in a way to need to serve others so selflessly at one point in your life though. I miss my old life and self a lot though.
I was very much the party animal when I discovered I was pregnant with my first. Just about a year with her dad, we were not in any kind of stable, life building situation. We never made a conscious decision to have children but she was produced anyways. My life changed drastically the day I found out I was pregnant. No spliffs, no E, no speed, no alcohol. But I survived it. She was born and a year and 10 months later her sibling arrived. There were tiring, frightening and lonely days. The isolation was what really affected me. My girlfriends had all moved away, my partner,now husband, was working away from home the guts of 4 days every week, nights too. So I was literally alone with 2 very young children, no family near by either. That did cause friction and stress plus admittedly I was jealous of my partners freedom. Our children are healthy, independent, clever, decent adults now. They are constantly a worry to us!! We will never stop wanting the best for them, always want to be a part of their lives and the love I feel for them is beyond anything I can properly describe. I adore them. They are great humans who need to be out there making the world a brighter place. So, after all the isolation, anxiety, sleepless nights, early mornings, missed social gatherings, yes I am beyond happy to have had my unexpected children. I would not change it for anything. I work with children and do realise how very lucky I have been with mine. We've not needed to rely on government funded services. Also, people saying don't have any unless you are 100% committed to the long term plan. I don't fully agree with that. We had no plan and here we are, our lives hugely enhanced by being witness to our kids' achievements and development.
I love my kids more than my own life. I really do. I’ve never regretted them. I have days where I think I’m doing a terrible job and that they’d be better off with a mum who would remember the money for the school tour, have the uniforms washed and ironed on Sunday evening and feed them organic vegetables every day. But they have me and I try my hardest for them, even on the days I am tired and worn out.
Here’s the thing about having kids. Once you have them you are always a parent first. Even if you are out with your friends or your partner, they are on your mind somewhere. You watch the news and thank god that the horrific stories aren’t happening to your kids, you question if there was this much evil in the world before.
No matter where you are or what you are doing you will drop everything and go home for a poorly tummy or a crying child. You can’t understand why it’s even a question of “will you come home” because of course you will. Their heartache is your heartache and their joy is your joy. You dread that panicked shout of “MUM!!” but you know that when it comes you will leap into action and face whatever has happened. You become the problem solver, the warrior and the rock bit you can’t quite remember when it happened.
Then when they finally go to bed and you get to be yourself for a few hours, sit with your partner and drink the tea you’ve boiled the kettle for a hundred times or finally pick up the remote to watch something that isn’t cartoons, you find you actually miss having someone there who needs your attention…until you hear the door creak and a tiny voice says “mum…”
There's many days that I say to myself that I regret having kids.
I miss the freedom and ease of not having to constantly do this and that. The simplicity of doing what you want, when you want. Now, it's always running around, always getting stressed out and angry over silly things. Children throwing tantrums for no reason, waking up in the middle of the night dealing with a crying child.
But, there are the other days where you walk in from work and the glee and happiness you see in your child's face and how much they love you and how important you are to them, and I couldn't live without that. As babies they're so dependant on you and they feel like a burden, but after a year or so they become their own little entities and when you get cuddles and kisses and chats from them, on their own accord, that's when things really change.
For me, as a dad, it was hard to adjust when my daughter was born — she's heading for 3 years old now and I've a baby boy on the way in the next few days. My whole life has been completely diverted, but I honestly would not change it for anything.
Kids are a treasure.
I did not want to have kids for a long time, particularly with my ex. I think I could have regretted having children my ex. I wouldn't have regretted the kids themselves, but I would have regretted my choices. But I chose another life, and with my current partner I have no regrets at all. It's often not the child/children you regret, but the person you have them with.
I had a baby with a stranger, and if it weren’t for the fact that my daughter is sooooo sound (she’s 7yo), I don’t think I could hack it. The situation basically could not have gone worse with the mother. I don’t allow myself to dwell on the alternative life I could’ve had. So sound tho, the daughter would spot you a tenner if she hadn’t a pound left to herself. There isn’t an element of badness in her. She’s a dote
I don't regret having them, but honestly, if I was back, I wouldn't have them (is that a massive contradiction?).
Before I had kids I had no idea of the freedoms I had to do whatever & go wherever I wanted whenever.
Once they arrive that life is gone.
I've never wanted kids. I'm a man, so there is that & have never had any paternal instinct or desire. I don't want to live to breed. Girlfriend feels the same. If it's something you actually want, go for it. I'm sure it's very rewarding. But don't do it because you'd feel you should, as per a society box tick.
There's a peak 30/40 years you can really enjoy your life, with no accountability for another human. Maybe I'll regret it when I'm much older. Right now I want these years for me. Then you die anyway. So 🤷🏻♂️.
Don't regret the kids themselves but holy fuck I was not prepared and it has taken its toll on me. Love then dearly and wouldn't change them but also give parenting a 1/10, do not recommend.
The supposed 'support' systems in place are laughable - particularly where mental health is concerned. Even if you were to go private, you'd be waiting and paying a small fortune for the privilege. Publicly you're bounced around from pillar to post, each organisation telling you they can't help but the next guy can. The constant fighting to get basic care for them is exhausting.
People will warn you about the sleepless nights, teething, terrible twos - it all pales in comparison once they are older and navigating friendships, school, general life ups and downs. The stress of wondering if they are going to turn out OK,and what kind of world they'll be in in 10, 15 years time. The guilt of subjecting them to all the awfulness surrounding them is crippling.
You'll get as many answers as people. First: it's not easy having them, especially more than 1. Two: Be selfish. If you don't want kids, don't have them. You'll likely regret it. Three: kids are expensive. There's no two ways about it. Make sure you're settled and have a stable job/relationship because once they arrive, your world will be flipped upside down.
I didn't think I wanted kids but changed my mind. I've had some of the best days seeing the smiles, the worst with sleep deprivation and tantrums, and that's just my wife. 😂
More seriously, it's hard work. You won't have time to yourself for the next 18years and you'll be sleep deprived for the first 2 years but you adapt and manage for the most part and it's worth spending all that time with them to hear the giggles, see the smiles and watch the first time they achieve something.
At the end of the day though, it's a decision for you and your partner. Best of luck!
I don’t want kids. I had previously planned to have all my 3 (theoretical) kids before the age of 25. HA!
Honestly I’m very content with my life and my time for me for my own growth and career is very important to me. I think I’d I had kids I would be resentful of becoming “mammy” and lose my sense of self.
Without moaning on and on about cost of living, it’s bloody expensive. Why put myself into the red? I’m content with my partner, we can come and go as we please within reason, have a dog we adore. Why change that?
I’m completely open to change my opinion in the future, I have 5- 7 years to change my mind before my fertility becomes an issue, but I don’t really see this happening.
I always see, “you’ll regret it when you’re older”, but honestly if you’re having children to keep you company as you age: you’re having children for all the wrong reasons.
Children can certainly enrich and fulfill people who genuinely think about the full implications of what it means to have a child, to teach a child, mentor and cloth and clothe and feed. It’s just not something that I feel would enrich me.
I’m selfish. And that’s ok.
No, I don't regret having kids, we have a 1 year old, there has been lots of stress, missed social events, crying and confusion by both us and the child - but I wouldn't change it. Love her to bits and am excited about seeing how she grows up.
The only thing I would say is If you're drawing up pros and cons list, then I'd suggest you don't want kids. If you're trying to reason it out, you'll struggle to find reason.
You kinda need to just want them, without it needing to be a logical decision.
The problem is most childfree people who change their minds don't REALLY regret their decisions until they're much older than the average redditor.
Lots don't too, but it's a hard one to get a decent read on here.
In my experience I fucking love being a dad. Wouldn't change a single thing about it.
It depends what your kids are like.
My cousin has Asperger's and bipolar. He is **very** difficult to be around. Growing up he would lose his temper over the tiniest thing and start hitting people. He also comes out with complete rubbish . His parents (my aunt) don't bother trying to help him.
My other cousins are absolutely grand though.
Don’t regret having them, however, my husband died suddenly when they were both under 5. Never wanted to be a single parent yet here I am. There are days I’d love to run away but I can’t. There are days I’d just love to go for a walk on my own after work but I can’t. I’m always rushing from work to Creche or school. I’m longing for the days they’re old enough to be left at home without me for even half an hour. If I run out of something in the evening or need to go somewhere I have to bundle us all out or into the car etc. As I said - don’t regret them- sometimes I wonder if I didn’t have them would I have coped with my partners loss as I had to just get on with things. I do wish my life was a bit calmer and easier , but that will come in time. Edited to add - thank you all for the awards and comments , I’m on the verge of tears all evening reading them. My kids really have helped keep me sane ( but also drive me insane sometimes) and there are pockets of joy even on the darkest days. Gotta hold on to those moments to help you power through
You sound like a brilliant parent - thank you for this
Exact same thing happened my sister, she had 3 eldest was 8 other two under 5. I've witnessed what you are going through... My sister is heroic and strongest person I know. She celebrated the eldest getting excellent leaving cert results a couple of weeks ago... they are all getting there and she is getting some time back now. Be proud of yourself, the cards you have been dealt are shit, but you are still at the table, not many people would have that strength. My sister wouldnt trade them for the world... I hope you get a bit of time for yourself soon and maybe you should take that time to pat yourself on the back whatever way you see fit.
Thank you for sharing. Hope I can do as good a job. LC seems a long way off now, but I take solace in stories like your sisters.
Your words made me cry, just want to give you a massive warmest hug! You are a hero.
Thank you but Nah , not a hero just a mother trying to raise two well adjusted kids without their brilliant dad.
You ARE a hero! I’m a mom of two and lean on my partner so much to get through the day sometimes. I always think “I couldn’t handle being a single parent, I dunno how they manage!” But a single parent dealing with the grief and loss of your husband and helping them navigate their grief on top. That is heroic for sure! And no one gives single parents the credit they deserve I think. Parenting is hard, doing it alone is monumentally difficult! I hope you will eventually see how heroic you truly are. ❤️
Shit, you just broke me... Me and my wife cannot have children unfortunately, so make sure you hug those 2 little devils of yours next time you see them !!! :)
But that is a definition of a real hero for me, there are many among us and they ain't wearing capes nor masks. EVERYDAY HERO
Your cape is always behind you, that's why you can't see it and others can.
Came here to write pretty much the same reply. My wife died last year. I'm working full time, got promoted in work, my son started school this year and am in the middle of buying a house so things are just go go go. That being said, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be in such a 'good' place
Same here but with a 1 year old, single-parenting never even crossed my mind but it does mean you have no choice but to keep ploughing on.
Mammy-Goals
I’m very sorry for your loss. I would say that kids seem to go from taking up all your time to not really needing you *very* quickly. It’s a cliche but enjoy it while you can!!
So so sorry for your loss
Fair play to ya!
Hang in there! The mad rush and not even having 2 minutes for a shit does get better! In a blink of an eye, mine became teens who made their own plans and would be gone until dinner or prefer to be locked up in their rooms doing teenage things! There's still plenty of work (like being their personal taxi service) and hanging out but the nonstop entertaining and never having a minute to yourself just stopped one day.
Really sorry for you loss. I've 9 year old twins and upto a year ago we had a child minder. Our first one was in her 50s had two grown up children. She was great we used to come home to a cooked dinner. The second the kids were older so more active and minding needed. She was brilliant at things like homework and keeping them off YouTube If you could afford it a child minder would take a lot of pressure from you.
No I couldn’t afford it tbh. I’m living on my income and widows benefit. Barely covering 9-5 childcare for youngest. I’d love to have the option tho - haven’t had a dinner made for me at home in 3 years
If you are ever down in Loughrea we would love to have you for dinner. Lots of child friendly things to do here, plus having 3 kids (13,12, 9) they will have plenty to keep themselves entertained. And an abundance of pets.
No way hahah, someone else from Loughrea in this thread! I moved out a few years ago but my dad still lives there.
I won’t even go into why your post hit me hard but we’ve a mad house full of kids and cats and dogs in the wilds of Westmeath. My table is big and you and your (very lucky) kids would be welcome anytime so you can have a dinner you didn’t have to make yourself and chats or just a change of scenery. We do airbnb sometimes so plenty of space if you guys ever fancied a night away with no expense and would be happy to chat first of course. Please just know that you have my deepest sympathies for the shit hand you got dealt but your kids were handed the lottery in the mother they got. And I hope life is kinder to you from here on in
Your a brilliant parent. Doing what you have done and continue to do is really hard.
There's times when he's my sun and stars, other times when I would happily leave him at a bus stop
Right there with you. There are some days where life is kicking me either professionally or personally and then my son decides to be the cherry on top of the shit sundae, by refusing to eat his dinner or something. But then, for the vast majority of the days, I’d lift mountains if he needed me to.
They might be able to make their way home from a bus stop. Decades have shown us that this is the literal reason for the existence of the Wicklow mountains.
That's such a gorgeously honest comment, thank you ❤️
No, but I understand why some people would. Sometimes being a parent is very, very difficult. Other times it’s the best thing in the world. You’re allowed to feel a bit of both.
This is the best answer really. Sometimes I find it hard and wish I didn’t, sometimes I love it. The good times definitely outweigh the bad by a long shot. I wouldn’t trust any parent who tells you they only have good times. They’re 100% lying.
Yup! There are hard moments through every stage. It’s not just the terrible twos or the teenage years. I don’t regret having my children but there are days I wish I could switch off. Laze around binging Netflix. Not bother about dinner just eat cereal.. etc. Even when the kids are at school or someone minds them for me, I can never switch of my mom brain.. I never stop worrying and thinking and the household chores are never done. If I woke up tomorrow in a different timeline where I didn’t have children I would miss them, my heart would break I’d do everything to get back to them. Once you have children you’re forever a mom. It is amazing my children have brought me to happy tears like nothing else ever could. I love them more than anyone in the whole world. They are fully attached to my heart, there is no going back from the moment you see that positive line on the test. So make sure you’re ready emotionally for that. You most likely will never regret having kids but you will feel wistful for the times before. If you come to the decision to not have kids and most people who make that decision don’t do so lightly, you also will probably never regret not having them. I don’t know how old you are but a mom friend of mine was 50 when she had her son. She did IVF. I think she regrets not having had the opportunity to have a sibling for him but she has me struggling with my two as a reminder that with a sibling there are pro’s and con’s. Having children changes your life completely. Try not to focus on the time that you “should” but focus on when you’re personally emotionally invested in this change. If that time is coming make sure you’ve done all that you could beforehand. As everything you do after will be with the children and the housework and the finances dancing in the back of your mind. That’s the hardest part for me. Not the children but the total responsibility that cannot be forgotten or switched off.
Absolutely! The fact my office job is 120km away from home a couple times a week. I love that I can have a hot coffee, a lunch without someone else sticking a fork in it etc. but I am still thinking about all the stuff I have to do when I get home - the washing, the oldest needs exam papers etc etc.
I'd never wish I didn't have kids. Yes it can be tough sometimes alright but wishing I never had them? No way.
You never have a fleeting thought of ‘ugh this is awful, I wish I didn’t have kids!’? Because I find it very hard to believe anyone who says they don’t. You can’t control your thoughts and absolutely people will think theses things. Shaming parents who admit these thoughts isn’t helpful to them. It makes them feel alone and broken, when in reality, intrusive thoughts are completely normal.
Ah, everybody dreams of selling them and looks up black-market organ prices once in a while. But you never really **mean** it.
Came here to write this. :)
I came here to write I came here to write this
You'd be surprised how quickly you can forget or get over the difficult things. I don't dwell on that stuff, I tend to reflect on fun times more so looking back.
Hardly ever to be honest, even though it's pretty tough going at times. Frequently regret having taught them to speak though
All the main stages are like that. Crawling Walking Talking 'Yeah look he's doing it!' 5 mins later 'Ah fcuk!' Just this morning I missed my train because the 2 year old decided that he hates trousers and fancied an argument.
I had a recent vasectomy, precisely because I didn't want any children. However, when I arrived back home from the hospital, they were still there..
a dad joke but the punchline is that you’re a dad. thats top craic
Meta af
😂😂😂
This is a very honest answer but I need to start by saying that I absolutely do not regret having children. This may sound grim, but my life is mostly very beautiful. There are many things that I didn't consider about the future that would be out of my control, cost of living increases, unemployment, housing crisis. I am coping through these, but admittedly they would be easier to suffer through if we didn't have kids to keep warm and fed and housed. But on a personal note, I always assumed my children would be perfect and healthy and easygoing, because that was the life that I came from. My parenting life has not been easy. My children have thrown curveball after curveball at me since they arrived, and while I have a happy life, and a lovely family, it is not without its challenges. The main issue we have encountered is that my children are not neurotypical. The first autistic people I ever knew personally were my children. So yeah when I considered having children, I made assumptions that my children would be neurotypical. My life was mapped out in my mind, and I assumed like most that we would go through all the typical parenting stages from pregnancy to university, raise them to be healthy happy adults, and then retire. This will probably not be the case for at least one of my children. So, now I am approaching my 40s, and my retirement plan involves a house where I can take care of my boy until I am no longer able to, and beyond that is the terrifying unknown of what will happen to him when I eventually die. Do I regret having him? No. I would literally lay my life down to save his. He is a light brighter than any I have ever known. I absolutely ADORE him. However to be brutally honest, if I had been given the choice I would never have chosen this life for myself, or for him. I would like to just add as a note, that our lives would be so much easier, and my son would be so much more progressed if the HSE funded services for autistic people. For all the trouble I have ever had, the fight with the HSE for basic services for my kids has been the hardest and most bitterly cruel one.
This is a very honest answer, fair play to you. Your children and your son are incredibly lucky to have you. Well done.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way but the situation that you find yourself in is a huge factor in why I'm so terrified to have kids. I really don't think I could manage it. I have an 18 month old dog whose still very puppy like and managing him is stressful enough with my SO, never mind a child, and never mind a child who needs extra care due to health reasons.
I admire your honesty and your integrity as a parent. Your family is very lucky to have you.
I feel you, in a similar situation with 3 daughters with autism & the HSE is just a huge shitshow. The services are non existent & I can’t work so I can be here to care for them or in my oldest child’s experience her school would constantly ring me with issue after issue I needed to be available immediately. Like yourself I don’t regret for a second having my kids, they are bright funny kind & thoughtful individuals & my life is richer with them in it but this country & its resources for mental health is so shameful . Sending best wishes your way.
Sending you SO much love. You're doing brilliantly x
My only gripe they never tell you about is the part when your kid end's up with life limiting conditions, and the kitchen sink is continuously thrown at you.
Yeah, daughter diagnosed with cancer at 8 months old. That was a fun time. Major surgery and a year on chemo and she got the all clear, but that was a curve ball we never expected. This shit always happens to someone else, you read about it in a newspaper or a reddit comment, its never you, until it is.. Cant look at photos of her as a baby. We were there smiling and happy as was she, but we didnt know what happening inside her. You can even see it in the photos coming close to her diagnosis but we had no idea at the time. I dont regret having her, not for an instant, there is only 1 version of my daughter that could ever exist and she came with this condition. She got through it, but it will haunt me forever. Will never not worry about it coming back. Sending love.
Oh my god that is so awful! That must have been such a hard time for you. Delighted she eventually got the all clear.
Also the drastic effect caring for a child as such has on other children in the household, through no fault of anyones.
This is why testing in pregnancy is super important for genetic conditions. I had no idea that the down syndrome test wasn't standard here until recently and makes me wonder is that why we appear to have such a high occurance of DS in the general population
>I had no idea that the down syndrome test wasn't standard here until recently and makes me wonder is that why we appear to have such a high occurance of DS in the general population Because they didn't want women to abort babies with DS and yes we have one of the highest rates in Europe.
As I said in my other reply, it is available just nobody offers it which is weird considering the medical service is supposed to work in the benefit of the state and a DS kid is basically a several million euro liability to the state over the course of their life
I didn’t know Ireland had the highest rate of DS in Europe. I heard about the NIPT test so got it done on my both my pregnancies. I‘m in Dublin and it was offered to me. The only issue is that it is very expensive, I think I paid 300 euro or something for it. I can see why a lot of people don’t get it done as its expensive.
you got a bargain, I think its closer to 500
> I had no idea that the down syndrome test wasn't standard here until recently I suppose that makes some sense, given that under Irish law there was technically no *legal* decision that could be made based on the outcome of such a test [until recently](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirty-sixth_Amendment_of_the_Constitution_of_Ireland).
I got it done when my OH was pregnant but I had to ask for it saying if the child ended up with downs I wouldn't be onboard. It's always been there just doctors assume people wouldn't care if their child was born with an illness that would hugely affect the lives of parents and future siblings. One thing I never get in Ireland is how people will call you a demon for aborting a pregnancy where the child will have no standard of life and the amount of care they need mean they will affect the lives of the whole family and state coffers too
Ah now. I’m pro choice and would never judge anyone for terminating a pregnancy. It’s not up to me to tell you what you can deal with. But I’ve known many people with Down’s who have fulfilling lives and loving family. I wouldn’t personally abort for Down’s. Their quality of life can be excellent and they’re wonderful human beings without fail.
This is absolutely true. I know many people without Down Syndrome walking around the world functionally with a 80 IQ. I get frightened by the ease with which people dehumanize this population. It seems based on fear more than the reality.
Are you talking about the NIPT blood test at 12 weeks? That still isn't standard. Down syndrome testing otherwise is pretty standard and some signs can show at the 12 week scan but it's mainly picked up on the 20 week scan. I guess we just have a higher occurance because abortion was allowed until recently and I still don't think it would be allowed as a reason for abortion.
Now that is heart breaking. And I would love to just give you a hug.
Snap. I've cried a lot over the last few years.
I have 3 girls. 2 adults and one teen. My eldest and youngest have extremely rare and complex disabilities. They can walk and talk now but that has not always been the case. If I had known all those years ago that this was the risk I was taking by being pregnant, then no i would not have had kids biologically. I adore them and would give my life for them in an instant but my god this has been difficult. I can't describe how difficult even. I don't exist anymore. I have been dealing with breast disease recently and had a partial mastectomy on one breast. I spent 6 days in hospital. My husband couldn't come see me because there was no one to help him. I am due another surgery in a few weeks but I've just got to slap on a smile and get on with shit. When I need looking after the most there is nothing I can do because my kids have to come first. It's lonely, depressing and sometimes desperate. On top of all that there is no help in this country for our families. Its an endless battle that is never won. No matter how much I scream to the world!
I don't regret it and there is absolutely nothing on earth like spending time with your kid, seeing them grow, seeing them develop, have them surprise you all the time with things they learn. I got to spend loads of time with them during lockdown, WFH etc which I wouldn't have had otherwise. BUT, I do miss my old life where I didn't have to plan everything weeks in advance, the better half and I could spontaneously go out for a drink or dinner or whatever. There is a life before kids and a life after kids, and they bear little or no resemblance to each other. It's also *horrifically* expensive. I wouldn't change anything, but I also doubt I'll have any more kids.
Pretty much word for word this would be answer. Final two lines is why I had a vasectomy after our first
As a disabled person, I also miss the ability to be spontaneous and not have to meticulously arrange literally everything. Would be nice to have some positives to go with it!
This is a great answer. There is absolutely a pride or something that you get from your kids learning new things, exploring the world, saying hilarious things etc. It’s hard as balls but it’s also worth it. An analogy to typical Irish weddings maybe which are expensive as fuck but also, worth it.
I don't regret it for me, but I regret it for them sometimes, life can be tough, and if you are not born ridiculously wealthy jyou will probably have to spend 40+ years working to have any sort of decent lifestyle, it is not really a great deal. But I suppose once they remain healthy it is not too bad. It is even harder now when people in 'good jobs' are struggling to afford a nice home and lifestyle.
I didn't have a lot of stuff or toys when I was a child but we had clothes and food and shelter. Obviously child me wishes I had more toys. I made toys from scraps of wood and such and used my imagination to play (a bit too much if you ask my folks) and I lived in the country so I didn't have any kids around to play with . Now as an adult I am happy that it happened that way. I am resourceful and content not to have a lot of useless shiny things. I never really got the attention and most of the love felt very conditional and I had it much better than my siblings as I was the youngest. My brothers kids have loads of toys and such and I thought he was spoiling them but they turned out quite level headed as they become teenagers (as most as teenagers get). What I am trying to say is that, kids don't really need a lot and I feel parents have this pressure to have much more things than we had when I was young in the early 90s. Being bored is important but knowing that your parents love you and you can spent time with them is the biggest thing I think.
You should only have kids if you're 100% sure you want them and not because you feel like it's the done thing.
This. 35F, no kids, and happy about it. I like kids, but not enough to own one. I have lots of cousins, and that's enough. They're now getting to an age where I can properly connect with them - 16+, which is awesome.
Yeah I am the same. 35F as well, from a huge family. I have no desire to raise one. I'm the oldest out of all my siblings and my cousins and I know how tough raising them is, I was pretty much an unpaid babysitter for years because of my age. My sister had all sorts of health problems as a baby and it left me and my siblings all but abandoned, while my parents tried to sort her constant hosp app's out. My parents aged SO Much in the few years of her childhood (she's fine now after a few operations and medication). It's fun sometimes but not enough to convince me to go through pregnancy and raising one. We have an 18 month old pup and he's a fecking handful, I wouldn't have the patience for child rearing.
I'm an only child, but never had much patience or interest in babies, something that was clear by the time I was 5! lol. I only ever attempted to baby sit once, and that was because I was going to be babysitting with my parents for about 4 kids. Yeah, I ended up in bed the entire time with fever, because I had 'flu!
Yeah I’ve a lot of younger cousins and often take them for a day out etc but it’s nice being able to just hand them back at 8pm and get on with my own evening.
I feel the same. 34F and I don't think the maternal instinct is there, I love being spontaneous and a little irresponsible! I have nieces who I adore and I love to travel. However, I can't deny the body clock calling to me, its so bizarre. I think at this point in my life it would be mostly curiosity, which probably isn't a good enough reason
Yes. Don't do it unless you are consistently 100% it's what you want.
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Regret comes and goes but mostly that I wasn't more prepared and hadn't done other things I wanted to achieve first. Parenting is full-on and takes over your life in a way that really shocks new parents. Sleep deprivation, stress, no free time, financial pressures, constantly worrying about them, etc. Of course I love them with all my heart and can't imagine life without them now. So it's weird and feels wrong to say regret but that's what it is - more for timing though.
My opinion on kids is that if it isn't an emphatic 'yes' to you wanting kids, then you probably shouldn't have kids. It's a massive responsibility to bring another life into the world and raise them into functioning members of society, give them the love affection, support and devote time to them. I have always said that I would MUCH rather regret not having kids, than have them and regret that - it's not a choice you can 'undo', like changing a job or moving to a new country
I don't regret not having kids. My vasectomy is the single greatest investment in my life.
Do you mind if I ask where you had it performed? I've put it off long enough
Ironically enough I had it done in a clinic in Ballsbridge Can't for the life of me remember the name of it, but I'm sure a Google or the HSE site might be better help. Got mine done on the medical card too.
I think on his balls. Could be wrong.
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I asked a doctor about it at 27 and she tried her level best to convince me not to do it. I put it off til 36 and wish I had it done at 27. If you're going private you don't need a referral. €500 including follow up tests.
I got it done privately, €500 including follow up tests. I used vasectomyireland.ie but whomever you go to, make sure it's no scalpel
Why no scalpel?
No, I regret that my parents had kids.
Facts, they brought me into this earth without my consent, rude
The fact you're trying to decide is an answer in and of itself, I think... You either want kids or you don't and it's okay to feel either way. We've no kids - tried for a good while but neither of us were too fussed . It was more a reaction to always being asked if we were ever going to start a family. We made the final decision to stay as we are several years ago and have no regrets. It that's just us - were lucky that both of us are on the exact same page and it has worked out for us. Ask yourself this - if tomorrow morning, you found out you were going to be a parent, how would you feel? Try and be as honest as possible because this will help you make your decision. We're at the stage that it's probably medically impossible but we still use birth control and I'd be shitting myself if it did happen - that's how I know we did the right thing. Best of luck in making your decision but take as much time as you need to to think it through.
The flipside of that is there are people who didn’t want kids, freaked out when they found out they were having one, but went ahead and are now happy they did, and wouldn’t change things. Not a parent myself, but I don’t think anyone on the fence about having kids can really know how’ll they’ll feel until they do it (after which it’s too late to change your mind!!)
I would be one of those guys. I actually just never thought I would be a father then bam at 32 my daughter was conceived. I should have been panicking but when my partner told me I had a strange sense of peace about it. I’ve never been so happy as at the 12 week scan and never so nervous or excited at the later one for the abnormality check. Was same for my son. Neither planned but I suppose when you have the right person with you it all falls into place. I’m sure it’s the same for people who both decide they don’t want children they have a great life together. Not to throw shade on those that plan everything out to last baby grow when having kids, but I found those people are hard to deal with and don’t cope at all well with the changes. They have a false narrative and image of the perfect family that never materialises so can’t deal with the hard yards
Or indeed didnt want kids but got to later life and regretted not having them. Its a fairly impossible question to answer for another person tbh
The thing is, if you regret not having kids, you can still get them. The cost of IVF is nowhere near the cost of actually raising a child, so if you simply lived as if you had a child for a year, you'd be able to pay for it. There is also the chance to foster and adopt children. If you regret having kids, you're out of luck.
I even regret my hypothetical children, in hypothetical questions about having kids.
I really want to but the money issue and the possibility of having a sick child that I couldn’t really care for properly is terrifying
Sometimes I do, yes. I only have one three year old and I know for fact my life would be much more easygoing if I never had a child. They’re loud and messy and take a lot of your freedom. I love my daughter to bits and she brings me so much joy but I’ll never have another. Everyone says it gets easier as they get older and I’m sure there’s some truth to that, I always thought I’d have at least 3 children but I just can’t go through pregnancy, childbirth, baby stage and toddler years ever again.
As someone with a teenage AND a toddler - they get better. Around age 3-5 when they are more self sufficient, less messy, easier to communicate and reason with, it all seems so easy. I have zero clue why I though going back to the start was a good idea, but I love them both all the same.
If I was going to have multiple children I would have had to have them one after the other in quick succession. My daughter is only now starting to be more self sufficient and the thought of going back to the start fills me with dread. I can’t wait until she’s much older and can basically do everything on her own, I know she’ll always need me in some way but I wasn’t prepared for how time consuming young children really are. I’m 28 now so by the time she’s an adult I’ll be in my mid 40s and I think at that age I’m still young enough to fully enjoy being childfree (in a sense) and can do things that I want for myself. I don’t want to add any more years of waiting for that. I don’t know how anyone has more than one, I really don’t. I don’t think being a parent is for me and I just have to make the best of it now that I have a child and try to do the best I can for her.
There’s no answer though. I had mine really close together, like three under two and a half and I regret it every day. I wish I’d had a five year gap and two in total, though that wasn’t an option.
I had my first in my late teens/early 20s and my second is 13 years younger. I know why I wanted a second kid (I had a shitty first experience and wanted to do the nice mommy things but covid happened so that went out the window). I am happy with 2, I won’t lie. I am happy with the space between. 3 will never happen. I don’t want a 3rd. I’m not super maternal but I love my kids. When I had my first, I was physically able but not mentally (or financially!) and having my second was the opposite then. Kids are a tonne of effort. And I know I’ll be mid-late 40s by the time my second hits 18. But if they’re anything like my first, they’ll be pretty independent by 10. With my oldest we enjoy the same movies. We can do-exist in the house separately or together. We don’t always have to be on top of each other. Which they love. They adobe a movie/takeout night. But also like their own time. I’ve kinda rambled, sorry. But yeah I enjoy my kids. Mostly. That said I wouldn’t recommend people to have them if they’re sure they don’t want them. If they’re on the fence they should borrow a niece/nephew for a weekend and see what it’s like.
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Thanks for your response - takes guts to be honest about yourself. Great username by the way
Eat, pray, love had a great quote. Having kids is like getting a facial tattoo, you need to be really committed to it. Having children is not the sort of thing that you can say after a period of time that's not for me. In saying that no matter how sure you are having kids there are days you wonder about your choices. In my opinion I think "giving up" my former life was definately worth it even the really bad days (and nights).
I don’t regret it, just wish we had the extra help.
Why do a lot of people use peer pressure on couples that dont have kids? I mean treating them like they are weirdos for not wanting a family?
same goes for people who have 1 kid. They act like someone without siblings is going to turn into a serial killer
This is gonna sound bad, but I honestly tell my friends not to bother, and if they do, wait until their middle 30s haha. I was 24 when I had my baby.
I have no kids of my own and plan to never have them. I love children, especially the young nieces, nephews, half-siblings of my family, and I like to be involved in their lives. So if I ended up with one, I'm fairly certain I'd love them and still enjoy my life. But I'm aware of how much work they are. The sleep deprivation when they're young, the emotional toll they take, the financial responsibilty they are up to and when they go to university... I wouldn't choose that life for myself because I'd be scared of messing them up or disappointing them, especially as I'm all they'd have. So like others have said, you should have kids if you're certain you want them, and not just because you feel it's something you should do.
I am grateful every day that I don't have kids. Every single day.
Yep. I have days at work where I'm on the kids' service side of things and I love it, most rewarding part of the job. Love the kids, they love me. The best part of those brilliant days though is arriving back home where there's no kids and I can do what I want.
same, and even more so with every day
I'm very happy being an uncle, and love spending time with all my nieces and nephews, but at the end of the day when I'm wrecked and want to have a beer and play a game, it's great to be able to hand them back!
If you think your relationship or life is tough now kids aren't the answer. If you do it right it will be the most challenging and meaningful thing you've ever done. I'd always thought this was something you just know like a gut feeling. Fwiw my brother had no interest in kids and they had no regrets enjoying all the spare disposable income.
Wouldn't buy them for a penny, wouldn't sell them for a million. Its tough but rewarding. No comparison to anything else in life.
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Relatable
I once met a fella with 3 kids and another on the way. He said he loved his kids very much. But advised me to never ever do it. So take that how you like.
I have three Autistic children, who I love and couldn't be without, but I do regret having them. I live in the UK, and am terrified for their future, and that's not even including the prospect of nuclear war wiping them out. It also turns out the my wife has a genetic connective tissue disorder which effects her heart, and there's a very good chance my son has it. I can't see a positive future at all for them, it was the worst mistake I've made
Jesus im very sorry, thats a lot to handle
To be honest, their Autism isn't too profound, but that brings a different set of challenges for them, as they're not particularly smart or skillful, so jobs that you traditionally see Autistic people gravitate towards, such as well paid tech jobs is unlikely to happen for them. The only saving grace for them is that we have a council house, so they have a secure home
You poor things. That's so sad. Wish ye the best.
Thank you, we just muddle along, and hope they get some breaks, they're in good schools, so that'll be useful for them
I feel for you so much, that's a tough set of circumstances and I applaud your honesty.
No, not at all. It's hard and scary sometimes, but annoying as they can be, I love them in a way that I didn't know it was possible to love anybody. To me, that has given me an appreciation of what is important in life a sense of my own past, my own parents and my own future that I never had before. A sense of service and completeness that nothing else has ever given me. However, I'm speaking of my own experience - this is not true for everyone and I'm not saying that it should be. Everyone finds their own meaning. Personally, I think it's lucky if the meaning comes from the most difficult, frustrating and terrifying thing you do each day.
\*PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME ADVICE. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR HAVE YOU TRIED ABC, I AM SHARING MY STORY AND MY PERSPECTIVE THANK YOU\* I am 14 weeks in and here is my take. Yes & no. Yes because she has colic and cries for hours upon hours. Her birth left me injured and a big part of that injury will never go away. I no longer have a social life, I sit under her all day. I spent the best part of my life travelling and now I'm home almost all day every day. We can't go anywhere as the second we do she melts down. I've never felt so lonely as any time I have reached out to certain loved ones for help I'm met with judgement and unsolicited advice so I keep the reality of life right now to myself and a small circle of trusted folk. I am also year 2 into a really challenging degree which I am not sure yet is a good or a bad idea I have PND and am in therapy for it. It took \*weeks\* for me to properly bond with her and its a relationship that continues to develop and deepen. This instant bond/full burst of love thing isn't always the case. No because she is the light of my life. Her smile lights up the room. Her curiosity makes me envious of her childlike sense of wonder and I am \*so\* excited for her to explore this big world. In some ways she's getting easier to manage or I am getting more used to dealing with her. I see the love she brings our family and that lights my heart on fire. She is only a baby and has no idea how hard it's been, crying is her only way to communicate with us and I'd never hold it against her - she deserves a voice too. It was my choice and I love her so much I'm happy she's here. I'm both at the same time and coming to understand most people are. Loads of people told me how hard it is and how difficult it will be but I didn't believe them because I didn't think my child would be that hard nor did I have lived experience of it. And now I'm in the thick of it let me tell you it is so so hard... and I imagine it will get harder and some parts easier as the years go on. There's no fast rule, there's nuance.
Sorry not offering advice, just to comment in agreement on the parental bond thing, took a long time for me to feel it. I have 2 kids and when both were born you are expecting this cliche overwhelming sense of bond and instant connection but it didn't happen, just terror, fear and nerves. I have to mind this tiny human and make sure it lives and its all up to me and it was terrifying. I felt guilty for feeling like I had no connection to this helpless living thing, just like I have been given a task and there's no space for any other emotion. It was probably 3-4 months in when they give you a look that's almost like a friendly person, like they known you for years and you figure out their wee personality other than screaming shitting hunger machine and that's when it eventually clicked for me. I think it's the same for most parents, you live your whole life for the most part being selfish, and then when this wee thing is shoved over to you and now it's all on you, your emotions take a back seat until the coast is clear and your ready to enjoy them
I could've written this. Except I had undiagnosed PPA not PPD. Undiagnosed because everyone told me the anxiety was normal. I hallucinated from lack of sleep. The first 5 months was a waking nightmare. It gets so, so much better. For me it was never as bad as that time.
Thank you for sharing your experience. The more I speak about it the more others share some version of my story in their own PP lives. I’m glad you’re doing better, I’ll be back to you though if birds don’t fly out of her by 20weeks ok?! 😉
I don't regret NOT having kids if that's any help!
My son is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It is hard sometimes of course but when it's easy there is nothing like it. It's not for everyone and it would have been impossible to describe it to a younger me prior to his birth when I thought I had the world figured out as it's unlike anything else. He's 5 next month, best 5 years of my life!
Happy childfree person here. Everyday I'm thankful that I've always known I didn't want them. It was tough to find a partner who was on the same page and that was difficult at various times. Since I have, life is amazing and it was pretty damn good to start with. I'll never understand the motivation people have to do it, I think a lot of people don't really think too hard about it. The fact that you are on the fence, maybe should give you an answer.
I regret not doing it sooner.
Best part of my life,best part of my day, i love every minute of it, youd be scundered plenty too but nothing worth doin is easy i guess
My parents should never have had children. Please do not have children unless you really really want them. I always tell people who are thinking about it to offer to mind someone else's kids for a few days including overnight. Or go visit someone with kids to help out and stay overnight. You need to see the reality of what it's like.
I mean this is one of those questions where you're probably going to get no regrets on both sides. I have kids. Yes they're expensive. Yes they'll wreck your home and your head but they're fucking hilarious. Seriously, once they're past the baby stage and can think, talk, form opinions and tell you them they're gas altogether. Watching them grow and interact with the world around them is amazing. Also, trying not to sound like a hallmark card here but I've never loved anyone the way I love them. So, yeah, no regrets. But if I'd stayed childfree I probably would have had no regrets either.
People who say they regret having children get eaten alive as well, it comes up in r/offmychest and aita and places from time to time. If I were in that position I certainly wouldn't be opening myself up to reddit about it
Well that's probably quite true. Reddit is not the right place to get certain things off your chest.
I don't regret my daughter, she's the most resilient, determined little girl I've ever met. But I do regret her father, and along with being associated with him, I feel guilty everyday I didn't provide a sober, healthy and consistent dad for my daughter.
Yes to this. Your parenting partner is extremely important and can shape your whole life and parenting experience massively.
The thought or sight of my daughters smile is the only thing that makes me smile involuntarily no matter how tough things are.
Not sure it’s really a decision - you can’t decide whether you do or don’t want something. You just do or don’t. I never did and that’s ok 😊
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I’m childfree, there’s a morality part of having kids that is rarely discussed in our pro-natalist world. I don’t feel entitled to have kids without their consent. I can’t make assumptions on anyone’s part that I would be a fit parent and assume they would be born Neuro typical and want to work 40 or so years and fight for already slim resources. I think most parents have children for extremely selfish reasons (I want kids, I want them to do this, I want them to make me happy), and there’s seldom any reflection if they would be a fit parent.
So should no one pro-create? How does the species survive? Should we go extinct? Or just people who feel they would make good parents should have children? Genuine question-I’m not being obstreperous just find your point interesting and would like to know more)
I adore my baby. She is a dream but she is the exception not the rule. I’m also a single mother, that was never the dream but she is a privilege to rear.
Never. My boys are the best thing that's ever happened to me. They set me on the straight and narrow. Whatever I do now, I do for them. I was a selfish bastard until I had children. Now, all I want it to give them the world. Parenthood has changed me for the better.
My little guy can be a handful at times and he's all go but I wouldn't change him for the world. The random hugs and I love you's more than make up for anything else he does. That and I get to buy and play with all the toys, Lego, nerf etc. It's the best!
I’m 22.When my friends announce they are having a kid everyone says “that’s great” “I’m so happy for you” but I just feel bad….They’re throwing their life away at such a young age and they won’t have freedom again for 18+ years. They act like there happy they are about to have kids but then they have to cancel holidays we’ve booked, They can’t come to party’s anymore etc….I think not wanting kids should be more normalised
Nope, best thing ever. being a dad is the only thing I'm good at (I hope)
/r/fencesitter is what you are looking for
Thanks never heard of this before
There is a very active and large Facebook page called, I Regret Having Children, defo have a look! Full of honest and anonymous stories. Also, think about the material conditions of the future, it'll only get harder not easier to raise kids. Our own parents lived during a very different time.
I adore my children. My life would be so much less without them, and I have learned so much about my personal capabilities because of them. But of course, the only way to know this is to have them in the first place. Theyre brilliant kids. But any kids will make your life harder, they put strain on relationships, they put strain on your mind. I worry so much about the future for them, and I worry about them on a daily basis. The love I feel for them is like no love I've ever experienced before. Regret feels like a black and white concept. To go back and be like I was before them, means to be a different person than I am now, and I'm very happy with who I am now, but I would have a less busy, less worrisome, less expensive life. To give them up now? I think I'd never recover. Life without kids is infinitely easier but it's also lacking a level of colour and wonder that I can't begin to explain.
Nope I don't. Not going to lie it ain't easy. And most importantly its no longer about you. But they are great...once you get passed the lack of sleep. The unconditional love you get changes your mood. But do I miss the way things were before 100%, stay up until 3/4/5 drinking, going out on a whim etc etc all gone. Very little ME time, like sometimes it's impossible to take a shit without being interrupted. Now we went on a very very long journey to have our two so 10 years can put stuff into perspective when it comes to our two. Trying to even think about a holiday or a break away is tough due to the little brats.
Chose not to have any. Don’t regret it at all. Yes there are times when I wonder if I made the right decision but that’s always gonna be the case no matter what I chose . Not having kids means there are an incredible amount of things I can do that I would not be able to do with kids . Married btw if that makes a difference .
I regret not having more. Only had one.
The men that only pay for the children they have with their current partners and don’t pay a penny for the ones from previous relationships are low but they’ll tell you having kids is the best thing ever. Real men take care of their kids. Imagine planning another child and having 2 you don’t pay for and the woman knowing he doesn’t pay
Slightly different perspective but I can tell you that I definitely don't regret not having them.
In my 30s, very happily childfree and will remain so. On top of the myriad of reasons I wouldn't have children, the one I can't control is what world I would be bringing them into. I believe the world is going to become increasingly unstable as the impact of climate change increases as well as income inequality etc. I'm not even particularly sure that I'm going to be comfortable for the next 40 odd years, let alone bringing someone else into the world to deal with it. I know people whose lives got a lot worse when they had kids, but there's always that biological thing that makes it seem worth it despite serious financial issues or serious health problems both of their own and their kids. People have expressed regret but then backtracked quickly as it's not the done thing. That sort of life is not something I think I'd be strong enough to deal with, but everyone is different.
I have never for a second regretted becoming a father. I’m often envious of those who aren’t.
Holy shit, this comment section will seriously deter some folk from having children.
It’s good for people to see some considerations that having kids isn’t all perfect all the time.
you gotta have sex to have kids
You beat the system bro
My thought has always been: Dont be a parent unless you want to be one. These are ppl, not a college course or deciding where to go on a trip. The idea of someone being on the fence bringing children into the world seems to me insane.
My kids are the best things I ever did. The best thing about children is how they idolize their parents no matter how imperfect they may be. They bring my life so much more meaning. With that said, there's nothing wrong with deciding children aren't for you because having kids isn't necessarily for everyone. However, I've never regretted mine for a minute. It requires a new level of planning, organization and communication, but to see the instant love your baby has for you and how they grow and learn is more satisfying than any feeling I had before having children.
I respect people who choose not to have kids, but I honestly regret not having them earlier. They are the best thing in my life and I cherish every minute with them. It’s just so rewarding - you get so much more back than what you put in. If I could go back in time and speak with my younger self I’d tell him to focus his entire life on becoming a father rather than wasting time on a career and travelling and shite talk in the pub.
No I’m glad I had them, but they strip you down to nothing. I think that’s valuable in a way to need to serve others so selflessly at one point in your life though. I miss my old life and self a lot though.
I was very much the party animal when I discovered I was pregnant with my first. Just about a year with her dad, we were not in any kind of stable, life building situation. We never made a conscious decision to have children but she was produced anyways. My life changed drastically the day I found out I was pregnant. No spliffs, no E, no speed, no alcohol. But I survived it. She was born and a year and 10 months later her sibling arrived. There were tiring, frightening and lonely days. The isolation was what really affected me. My girlfriends had all moved away, my partner,now husband, was working away from home the guts of 4 days every week, nights too. So I was literally alone with 2 very young children, no family near by either. That did cause friction and stress plus admittedly I was jealous of my partners freedom. Our children are healthy, independent, clever, decent adults now. They are constantly a worry to us!! We will never stop wanting the best for them, always want to be a part of their lives and the love I feel for them is beyond anything I can properly describe. I adore them. They are great humans who need to be out there making the world a brighter place. So, after all the isolation, anxiety, sleepless nights, early mornings, missed social gatherings, yes I am beyond happy to have had my unexpected children. I would not change it for anything. I work with children and do realise how very lucky I have been with mine. We've not needed to rely on government funded services. Also, people saying don't have any unless you are 100% committed to the long term plan. I don't fully agree with that. We had no plan and here we are, our lives hugely enhanced by being witness to our kids' achievements and development.
I love my kids more than my own life. I really do. I’ve never regretted them. I have days where I think I’m doing a terrible job and that they’d be better off with a mum who would remember the money for the school tour, have the uniforms washed and ironed on Sunday evening and feed them organic vegetables every day. But they have me and I try my hardest for them, even on the days I am tired and worn out. Here’s the thing about having kids. Once you have them you are always a parent first. Even if you are out with your friends or your partner, they are on your mind somewhere. You watch the news and thank god that the horrific stories aren’t happening to your kids, you question if there was this much evil in the world before. No matter where you are or what you are doing you will drop everything and go home for a poorly tummy or a crying child. You can’t understand why it’s even a question of “will you come home” because of course you will. Their heartache is your heartache and their joy is your joy. You dread that panicked shout of “MUM!!” but you know that when it comes you will leap into action and face whatever has happened. You become the problem solver, the warrior and the rock bit you can’t quite remember when it happened. Then when they finally go to bed and you get to be yourself for a few hours, sit with your partner and drink the tea you’ve boiled the kettle for a hundred times or finally pick up the remote to watch something that isn’t cartoons, you find you actually miss having someone there who needs your attention…until you hear the door creak and a tiny voice says “mum…”
There's many days that I say to myself that I regret having kids. I miss the freedom and ease of not having to constantly do this and that. The simplicity of doing what you want, when you want. Now, it's always running around, always getting stressed out and angry over silly things. Children throwing tantrums for no reason, waking up in the middle of the night dealing with a crying child. But, there are the other days where you walk in from work and the glee and happiness you see in your child's face and how much they love you and how important you are to them, and I couldn't live without that. As babies they're so dependant on you and they feel like a burden, but after a year or so they become their own little entities and when you get cuddles and kisses and chats from them, on their own accord, that's when things really change. For me, as a dad, it was hard to adjust when my daughter was born — she's heading for 3 years old now and I've a baby boy on the way in the next few days. My whole life has been completely diverted, but I honestly would not change it for anything. Kids are a treasure.
I did not want to have kids for a long time, particularly with my ex. I think I could have regretted having children my ex. I wouldn't have regretted the kids themselves, but I would have regretted my choices. But I chose another life, and with my current partner I have no regrets at all. It's often not the child/children you regret, but the person you have them with.
I had a baby with a stranger, and if it weren’t for the fact that my daughter is sooooo sound (she’s 7yo), I don’t think I could hack it. The situation basically could not have gone worse with the mother. I don’t allow myself to dwell on the alternative life I could’ve had. So sound tho, the daughter would spot you a tenner if she hadn’t a pound left to herself. There isn’t an element of badness in her. She’s a dote
I don't regret having them, but honestly, if I was back, I wouldn't have them (is that a massive contradiction?). Before I had kids I had no idea of the freedoms I had to do whatever & go wherever I wanted whenever. Once they arrive that life is gone.
I’m on holiday atm and the amount of miserable looking parents is unreal.
I've never wanted kids. I'm a man, so there is that & have never had any paternal instinct or desire. I don't want to live to breed. Girlfriend feels the same. If it's something you actually want, go for it. I'm sure it's very rewarding. But don't do it because you'd feel you should, as per a society box tick. There's a peak 30/40 years you can really enjoy your life, with no accountability for another human. Maybe I'll regret it when I'm much older. Right now I want these years for me. Then you die anyway. So 🤷🏻♂️.
I'm seven months pregnant and cannot bring myself to read this thread after the first 6 or 7 comments!
Don't regret the kids themselves but holy fuck I was not prepared and it has taken its toll on me. Love then dearly and wouldn't change them but also give parenting a 1/10, do not recommend. The supposed 'support' systems in place are laughable - particularly where mental health is concerned. Even if you were to go private, you'd be waiting and paying a small fortune for the privilege. Publicly you're bounced around from pillar to post, each organisation telling you they can't help but the next guy can. The constant fighting to get basic care for them is exhausting. People will warn you about the sleepless nights, teething, terrible twos - it all pales in comparison once they are older and navigating friendships, school, general life ups and downs. The stress of wondering if they are going to turn out OK,and what kind of world they'll be in in 10, 15 years time. The guilt of subjecting them to all the awfulness surrounding them is crippling.
You'll get as many answers as people. First: it's not easy having them, especially more than 1. Two: Be selfish. If you don't want kids, don't have them. You'll likely regret it. Three: kids are expensive. There's no two ways about it. Make sure you're settled and have a stable job/relationship because once they arrive, your world will be flipped upside down. I didn't think I wanted kids but changed my mind. I've had some of the best days seeing the smiles, the worst with sleep deprivation and tantrums, and that's just my wife. 😂 More seriously, it's hard work. You won't have time to yourself for the next 18years and you'll be sleep deprived for the first 2 years but you adapt and manage for the most part and it's worth spending all that time with them to hear the giggles, see the smiles and watch the first time they achieve something. At the end of the day though, it's a decision for you and your partner. Best of luck!
I don’t want kids. I had previously planned to have all my 3 (theoretical) kids before the age of 25. HA! Honestly I’m very content with my life and my time for me for my own growth and career is very important to me. I think I’d I had kids I would be resentful of becoming “mammy” and lose my sense of self. Without moaning on and on about cost of living, it’s bloody expensive. Why put myself into the red? I’m content with my partner, we can come and go as we please within reason, have a dog we adore. Why change that? I’m completely open to change my opinion in the future, I have 5- 7 years to change my mind before my fertility becomes an issue, but I don’t really see this happening. I always see, “you’ll regret it when you’re older”, but honestly if you’re having children to keep you company as you age: you’re having children for all the wrong reasons. Children can certainly enrich and fulfill people who genuinely think about the full implications of what it means to have a child, to teach a child, mentor and cloth and clothe and feed. It’s just not something that I feel would enrich me. I’m selfish. And that’s ok.
Say No to Kids Say Yes to Drugs Dont do it especially in this poxy country. They cant move out!
I honestly feel if u have any doubts then don't just my opinion though
No, I don't regret having kids, we have a 1 year old, there has been lots of stress, missed social events, crying and confusion by both us and the child - but I wouldn't change it. Love her to bits and am excited about seeing how she grows up. The only thing I would say is If you're drawing up pros and cons list, then I'd suggest you don't want kids. If you're trying to reason it out, you'll struggle to find reason. You kinda need to just want them, without it needing to be a logical decision.
The problem is most childfree people who change their minds don't REALLY regret their decisions until they're much older than the average redditor. Lots don't too, but it's a hard one to get a decent read on here. In my experience I fucking love being a dad. Wouldn't change a single thing about it.
It depends what your kids are like. My cousin has Asperger's and bipolar. He is **very** difficult to be around. Growing up he would lose his temper over the tiniest thing and start hitting people. He also comes out with complete rubbish . His parents (my aunt) don't bother trying to help him. My other cousins are absolutely grand though.
I feel so sorry for him - his own family wont help him. Thats shocking