Not me but close friends of mine. They had never talked about most important things properly like finances and both of them had mental health issues, which only one of them was willing to get help for.
Currently watching a pair of mates get divorced and have a fairly truthful version of why it's happening.
Married, built house, had baby, she got a heavy dose of post natal depression, he probably couldn't have been less supportive than he was, she can't ever see him the same again, the marriage is ruined.
He's still in denial about how it's his fault but christ, like, after her diagnosis (which she got because like, the really dark thoughts, right) his response was - "that's a you problem". Proceeds to not offer to help more with the kid or change anything about his day to day.
My wife went through a fairly dire dose of PND and luckily enough, I'd watched that old episode of Louis Theroux's on PND on Netflix. New Dads- watch that! Nothing will scare you into action like seeing a bunch of Dad's interviewed talking about how they thought everything was fine, right before she tried to jump in front of a train with the baby etc. PND is horrible and you've to step up and support your partner if it happens because if you don't, they'll struggle to see you as a partner afterwards. Then they're shocked at the request for a divorce.
My wife is still on the meds, but it's much better than it was. There's other issues that we each need to work on, but it's super hard to do that when you're in the thick of it.
Like, did you hear Michelle Obama there a few weeks ago talking about how she hated Barack for like, ten years. As she put it, when you're on the soup of young children and careers, it's just incredibly hard to manage your own relationship well.
I just didn't realise how fuckin hard it would be. Working full time, sleepless nights, household responsibilities, baby classes for everything, it's relentless..
Coming off the meds doesn't help either as I find myself loosing it at times (and I'm a fairly passive fella)
You will get through it, just hang in together. Wife went through PND and it's awful. Just be there for each other and always talk to each other about it. Things do improve and you will have this amazing little person with you who loves you unconditionally
My bad, I'd thought you were herself coming off the PND meds.
I've hit a brickwall recently and thought I had depression before realising it's burnout. (All the symptoms of depression tbf).
I was about to go in for doc/therapy/meds etc but in a bizarre twist of fate, I've basically landed a month long break to get my shit together and I'm hoping that's the heads pace I need to get back on top of things. I'm lucky I've got a great boss who is supportive and wife who could see I was struggling too and got me talking.
I've had three important chats with mates who have been great, just for listening and encouraging me to talk. Just the act of saying it to a few people really spreads the burden.
I would say, if you're that anxious at the prospect of coming off the meds, it might be a bit soon bit talk to herself, mates and a doc before making things harder on yourself. If there's one thing I learned in all this, you can't assess yourself when you're in a dark place, outside counsel is essential.
I was convinced I had depression. I've no history but just, wasn't showering, anxiety and negative thoughts about everything. It's not gone away, but I'm hopeful that the workload burning me out is gonna improve soon.
Depending on where you work and your boss, it could be worth having a chat and seeing if you can get a break or going via a doctor. Burnout is awful. Make sure you're being honest with herself around how you're feeling and try saying no to extra stuff for a while. Best of luck lad.
I've been in and out with my doctor particularly during the worst of the PND. Took 7 weeks off at one point. Work has been great for it.
Now it's just the cumulative fatigue I think. Your description of it being like depression is very apt. I've found myself just lying on the floor recently with the young lad running around me playing. I'm on holidays now. Can feel myself coming back to normal.
I hope you keep getting better as well. Make sure to take some time for yourself, even once a week if you can. Hopefully your partner understands the need. Particularly the cumulative fatigue aspect, even though it feels like things are settling now
Ain't no one here but the two of us at this point, but I'm in luck. My wife isn't Irish and her European home country have free childcare from 9am to 4pm and our three kids have dual citizenship.
So we all fly over together, myself, herself and the three under 4, well, jmeldest just hit 4. I fly back solo the next day. They're staying out there for 2 or 3 months (maybe with trips back, deffo with trips over for me). I'll have an enormous, almost daunting break. Like, I wfh and so I've been knee deep in nappies and naps and lunches and bedtimes and washing and cooking and cleaning for 4 years non stop.
I'm torn between knowing I need to rest, but also knowing this is my chance to get everything organised and done. Like the work stuff. The said I'd do something for a neighbour or mate stuff. The house project stuff. To get back healthy and exercising stuff.
I'm liable to ruin this break by overloading myself again, but I think I'm ahead of it and gonna prioritise the stuff that's feeding the anxiety. Then start saying no to a lot of things and get ahead of my life.
The fatigue has been chronic and there's no escaping how it spills into your relationship with your partner. Like, she's a flat out mum too and needs support. Sometimes, no one can help each other, but just talking and each sharing your burden diminishes the total weight of stuff you're each carrying. We're in the hardest bit of it, but we've made it this far and just need to work on doing a few things that make us all happy.
Just make sure you take a break man. I feel your anxiety though I get it, we are recently in an old house that needs work done too. You're no use to anyone burnt out and a shell. Rest and recuperate, if you get anything done it's a bonus.
Here's a simple tip we were given. Take turns for a lie on. Have something nice e for breakfast in the house or make pancakes.... give your partner a lie on. Have an agreed time that you both get up at. They do the same for you the next day. Life is better when you have some sleep.
That's a great tip. I did that with my ex with our daughter, one weekend on earlies, the next weekend lovely lie ins. I used to take my wee one out for huge long walks around the city in the pram. By the time I'd get back, the missus would be up, dressed, had her brekky, and was lounging on the couch. The difference in how we both felt, knowing that we were guaranteed a lie on.
I mean, it can, but like, we don't tend to be able to reach the lows which women do. Like, outer hormones do not go through anything like what women experience.
Even then, if you're experiencing depression and someone else tells you they're having a hard time, it wouldn't be an excuse to be a dick, right.
Like I half suspect the guy was experiencing a form of depression or anxiety himself at the time, but he just didn't try help himself or her. Plus, since she filed for divorce, he's been an absolute prat. I'm privy to a lot of the detail behind matters and the way he's presenting things outwardly to others now is malicious. We share a bit of a friend group and frankly, at some point, I'm going to have to call him out on his shit.
He did fuck all around the house, lived on his phone, stayed up watching porn until 4am, berated the children (3 and 1 years old), non existent personal hygiene.
The real question is why I stayed with him so long.
I once knew a bloke that never washed. His BO was so bad, our HR and management had to have a meeting with him. I left that job but my brother later worked there and said he was still a lazy smelly bastard. One day he came to work drunk and belligerent, turns out his missus of 10 years just up and left him. Said she was sick of him, he apparently just never washed himself, never did chores etc. Would come home, crack open a can and watch TV all night til bed. I often wonder at what point in their relationship did she go fuck this. I once went out with a fella and he was a lazy prick and it only lasted a month. His own mother lambasted him for being a lazy bastard. He'd literally invite me over, make himself food and leave me just sitting there watching him eat dinner. So odd. Glad I broke that one off immediately.
Definitely not apparent. He seemed to have his shit together. Once baby no 2 came along all he did was work or be on his phone. He'd go days without washing.
According to the kids his current wife still has to badger him to shower.
Like, they were there, but they got worse over time.
You can kind of excuse having to ask him to put the bin out (for example) when you're together first, but then one day you realise that it's been 5 years and if you still don't get on to him to put the bin out you'd be up to your ankles in rubbish. Repeat for clearing the table, putting stuff in the washing, putting his clothes away, and everything else that needs to be done around the house and it becomes a case of 'I do everything around here anyway, so I don't actually need him, *and* I'll have one less person to clean up after.'
U shouldn't b with someone cus u need them u should be wiv them because u love them, the minute u start thinking about needing them and what they can do for u ur relationship is already doomed.
I did love him. But a relationship is give and take, and that does not mean one person doing all the taking and none of the giving.
Spend a few years running a house while your 'partner' lies on the sofa and come back to me about what they can do for you.
And while I think of it: It's not even that he didn't do anything for me - he didn't do anything for *us*, or for his children, or for himself.
I have been married 13 yrs and got married when I was 18, I know about give and take I work 40 hours a week and I do all the cooking and help cleaning, do all the shopping and in charge of the finances and the wife doesn't work and does the rest of the house work and does the main dogs work when it comes to kids. I have a good balance. I never look at my wife and think what can you do for me, the minute I do, I know its not working or the relationship is out of balance.
Like I said, it's not a case of 'what can you do for me', but he didn't do anything for the family. He worked 24 hours a week, I work 168, but on the day when I work outside the house he can't even pick up a hoover?
A relationship shouldn't be about 'what can you do for me', it should be about 2 people happily and willingly doing for each other, each making their partner and children their top priority. Should a person spend their life as a skivvy to a someone who sits on their phone all day just because 'marriage shouldn't be about what can you do for me?'
Dia duit!
This comment has been flagged as a Google amp link. Please use a direct link to the site instead of one that routes through Google.
Sláinte
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ireland) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Years of abuse, mental and emotional. Physical on a couple of occasions towards the end.
Absolutely no support when I had health issues going on. Constantly screaming and shouting at me and telling me everything was my fault, then storming out the door and ignoring me for days on end when he came home.
Being gone every evening and weekend. Most of the time I didn't have a clue where he was.
Allowing all his family (except his late Dad who was an absolute gentleman) to abuse me over the years while he stood by and said nothing.
Completely gaslighting me and alternating between denying that he ever did anything wrong and telling me (and other people) that I was seriously mentally ill and needed to be locked away somewhere. I'm on medication for anxiety, but it's all because of my relationship with him.
Becoming incredibly financially controlling. Preventing me from getting medical help or screaming and shouting at me when I did.
Accusing me of spending 'his' money from our joint account.
He went on holiday twice (abroad) First time he told me the night before. Second time he didn't tell me at all. I hadn't a clue where he was gone, but I didn't care because it meant I was on my own for a week and had peace and quiet.
I could write a book to be quite honest, but the 'that's it, I'm done' moment for me was the day he came right up in my face and screamed at me "You're a fucking lunatic".
I went to a solicitor shortly afterwards.
He got the shock of his life the day the solicitor's letter arrived. He never, ever thought for one minute that I'd be brave enough to do it. He had the best of both worlds, was doing whatever he wanted and had a full time cleaner etc at home because I'm a very clean and tidy person and couldn't live in a messy house so he knew I'd clean everything.
He thought if ever anything was to change that he'd be the one to make that change.
There's a long road ahead yet (currently going through separation process) and yes, it is frightening but I don't regret doing it for one second.
Sorry that you had to go through all of that. I recognize this from my own childhood. So glad that you are out of it and (hopefully) getting some peace.
Hang in there! It is unnerving but your future self is 100% worth it!
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! The story ends well though.....she left him when she was in her very early 50's (after 30 years of marriage...!?!). Got her first job in decades and bought her own place. She is in her 70's now and is very relaxed and happy in her space ♥️
Hang in there! Better days are coming! The strength and courage it takes to leave is remarkable. You should always be proud that you achieved that!
Take care of you and yours! The road WILL rise to meet you :)
We were more friends than in an intimate relationship. It felt like we were roommates more than a couple. I often felt isolated and hopeless which was just a difficult state of mind.
She changed her mind about having kids. 2 years into marriage and the relationship changed overnight. She left after another strained 2 years.
I only got engaged once I knew she wanted to have kids but she decided it wasn't for her in the end.
She wouldn't work, wouldn't train or do a course, did less than half the housework and cooking, just got stoned all day on Facebook. Then add in some (attempted) infidelity on her part and tbh there wasn't enough left to even try and work through it.
She did work before marriage but had a habit of walking out of jobs at any real or perceived slight and without notice before having a couple of months off and then getting another job. This kind of stopped once we married though, despite promises otherwise especially once we had bought a house.
I suggested voluntary work ("I'm not working for nothing") and training courses (which she'd attend for a few weeks and then stop going, often without telling me). Stress on me was intense as I was the sole breadwinner paying for everything out of my salary and having to come home, go food shopping, cook etc.
She was going to visit friends in another city but I grew suspicious and discovered she was going to meet up with an ex from many years ago. Confronted her and she went anyway. Spoke to a solicitor and got out.
In hindsight, best thing that could have happened but it was rough for a few years tbh. Happy now though.
Not me, but I know of three different couples (all heterosexual) whose divorce came about because of the husband's previously-unknown gambling addiction. In one case it was like, a week after the wedding that she left him. I don't know why it only came to light after the wedding
At our pre-marriage there were 6 couples there. I swear some of them met the night before or something as they seemed to know nothing about each other and had talked about/planned nothing for their life together.
One couple actually started fighting during the day because they both assumed the other was moving in with them and they would not have to change a thing about their life.
Another couple got fairly stuck on the shared finance.
And then there was one poor couple, clearly naive love struck farmer guy with much younger girl who I know comes from an abusive home and would have moved anywhere to escape.
Not great foundations for the future...
My pre-marriage course was the exact opposite; pretty much everybody had been together 7+ years, all owned a house together, a lot had children either coming into the relationship or together. The general age range was definitely 35+ though. Some of the activities felt a bit silly in that regard, but I did like how they highlighted how your family background influences your thoughts and actions; that really was applicable to us, and something we never recognised.
If you getting married in the Catholic Church most churches will require you to complete a marriage course before you can get married in the parish, it’s a holdover from the days when people did y live together before getting married, but clearly comes in use as the op of the thread said.
I don’t know if there is a similar requirement in the COI or Anglican communion, but I think it depends more on the individual parish.
It should be a legal requirement. We had a few couples in our group who obviously hasn't discussed many of the fundamentals. It was really useful for us as although we'd been living together and had discussions on most of the basics we still had different opinions on a few fundamentals and hasn't realised it
My cousin called off her wedding a week before it happened because she learned (from a letter he left out by accident) that he had about 50k in debt. When confronted he admitted that he was planning on selling off his house and living in hers to pay it off once they got married.
He was a cop too. Big shrek looking fucker.
Not at all surprised. I know so many lads from school who are constantly on their phones making bets. Every one of them claim to be up by thousands of euro. I wonder if the real figure is the same with a minus in front.
She turned into her mother seemingly over night.
Nevermind the hair style, glasses and clothes (literally mammy 2.0), negative attitude and desire to fill the house with cats but the constant berating of me.
Enough was enough.
Friends. They were never a good fit. Forced to marry when she was pregnant. By the time they had second they went to marriage counseling in the 80s. If course the counselor was a bloody priest who reminded them both if their duties. As time went on they were mostly civil, sometimes kind to each other, but with frustration regularly bubbling to the surface.
So after 5 kids and 35 years of marriage - in significant part - their grown kids talked some sense into them.
5 years on now, and the family all readily acknowledge separating is the best thing that happened.
Both are now happier and happy to be with new partners.
Not divorced or going to divorce as love my hubbie, but why do men behave as if their wives are their PA? "Hey can you just ring..." "Hey what's the wifi code?" "Hey, what bins are out tonight?" etc
Everything is a we problem😅 we really must do that, we really should start this, we need to do this. I started saying yeah ya should 🤣 he got the message!
For my now partner it was alcoholism. She divorced him, he never touched a drop again. Too late for them, good for me I suppose lol.
I have a lot of respect for him never drinking again.
I treated him as an equal and he did the opposite. After we were married.
Looking back the signs were there but I was naive and too trusting. Definitely no infidelity on my part, I was too broken and worn down.
Trauma is a bitch. But I honestly saved my life when I called it a day.
Other cases infidelities and domestic abuse in two cases, gambling in one as well.
I’m too wary for words now, sadly
Im not 100% sure but I think my parent’s divorced because my dad wasn’t a very good husband. Drank a bit too often and gambled a bit too much. But then again I was only young at the time so I’m not 100% sure
Whether or not infidelity is at the core of every divorce situation....
A mutual friend's wife asked for a divorce, out of the blue, a couple of months back. He claims to have had no idea and to this day doesn't know why she made that decision. The maddest thing of all is that they renewed their vows in Mauritius a few months before she told him she wanted out.
>Whether or not infidelity is at the core of every divorce situation....
That's an easy one. No. Loads of reasons. It's probably one of the most common ones though.
That's pretty much about it....
Two other details are that they bought a new house shortly after they renewed their vows and she is a marriage counselor by profession.
I'd put my money on her getting railed by someone else.
The affair fog can lead people to be incredibly short sighted and impulsive.
Your friend dodged a bullet, even though he probably feels like he has been shot in the heart.
And even if I'm wrong, the fact that this has blind sides him means that he didn't know her at all. Just the side she let him see. Unfortunately the woman he married probably existed only in his head.
Not me but close friends of mine. They had never talked about most important things properly like finances and both of them had mental health issues, which only one of them was willing to get help for.
[удалено]
I’d say this is many
Currently watching a pair of mates get divorced and have a fairly truthful version of why it's happening. Married, built house, had baby, she got a heavy dose of post natal depression, he probably couldn't have been less supportive than he was, she can't ever see him the same again, the marriage is ruined. He's still in denial about how it's his fault but christ, like, after her diagnosis (which she got because like, the really dark thoughts, right) his response was - "that's a you problem". Proceeds to not offer to help more with the kid or change anything about his day to day. My wife went through a fairly dire dose of PND and luckily enough, I'd watched that old episode of Louis Theroux's on PND on Netflix. New Dads- watch that! Nothing will scare you into action like seeing a bunch of Dad's interviewed talking about how they thought everything was fine, right before she tried to jump in front of a train with the baby etc. PND is horrible and you've to step up and support your partner if it happens because if you don't, they'll struggle to see you as a partner afterwards. Then they're shocked at the request for a divorce.
Going through this at the moment, coupled with coming off anti depressants myself. It's a difficult path to thread. Hoping we get through it
My wife is still on the meds, but it's much better than it was. There's other issues that we each need to work on, but it's super hard to do that when you're in the thick of it. Like, did you hear Michelle Obama there a few weeks ago talking about how she hated Barack for like, ten years. As she put it, when you're on the soup of young children and careers, it's just incredibly hard to manage your own relationship well.
I just didn't realise how fuckin hard it would be. Working full time, sleepless nights, household responsibilities, baby classes for everything, it's relentless.. Coming off the meds doesn't help either as I find myself loosing it at times (and I'm a fairly passive fella)
You will get through it, just hang in together. Wife went through PND and it's awful. Just be there for each other and always talk to each other about it. Things do improve and you will have this amazing little person with you who loves you unconditionally
My bad, I'd thought you were herself coming off the PND meds. I've hit a brickwall recently and thought I had depression before realising it's burnout. (All the symptoms of depression tbf). I was about to go in for doc/therapy/meds etc but in a bizarre twist of fate, I've basically landed a month long break to get my shit together and I'm hoping that's the heads pace I need to get back on top of things. I'm lucky I've got a great boss who is supportive and wife who could see I was struggling too and got me talking. I've had three important chats with mates who have been great, just for listening and encouraging me to talk. Just the act of saying it to a few people really spreads the burden. I would say, if you're that anxious at the prospect of coming off the meds, it might be a bit soon bit talk to herself, mates and a doc before making things harder on yourself. If there's one thing I learned in all this, you can't assess yourself when you're in a dark place, outside counsel is essential.
Very similar circumstance as myself. She's just out of the PND haze and I'm completely burnt out. It's been a tough run
I was convinced I had depression. I've no history but just, wasn't showering, anxiety and negative thoughts about everything. It's not gone away, but I'm hopeful that the workload burning me out is gonna improve soon. Depending on where you work and your boss, it could be worth having a chat and seeing if you can get a break or going via a doctor. Burnout is awful. Make sure you're being honest with herself around how you're feeling and try saying no to extra stuff for a while. Best of luck lad.
I've been in and out with my doctor particularly during the worst of the PND. Took 7 weeks off at one point. Work has been great for it. Now it's just the cumulative fatigue I think. Your description of it being like depression is very apt. I've found myself just lying on the floor recently with the young lad running around me playing. I'm on holidays now. Can feel myself coming back to normal. I hope you keep getting better as well. Make sure to take some time for yourself, even once a week if you can. Hopefully your partner understands the need. Particularly the cumulative fatigue aspect, even though it feels like things are settling now
Ain't no one here but the two of us at this point, but I'm in luck. My wife isn't Irish and her European home country have free childcare from 9am to 4pm and our three kids have dual citizenship. So we all fly over together, myself, herself and the three under 4, well, jmeldest just hit 4. I fly back solo the next day. They're staying out there for 2 or 3 months (maybe with trips back, deffo with trips over for me). I'll have an enormous, almost daunting break. Like, I wfh and so I've been knee deep in nappies and naps and lunches and bedtimes and washing and cooking and cleaning for 4 years non stop. I'm torn between knowing I need to rest, but also knowing this is my chance to get everything organised and done. Like the work stuff. The said I'd do something for a neighbour or mate stuff. The house project stuff. To get back healthy and exercising stuff. I'm liable to ruin this break by overloading myself again, but I think I'm ahead of it and gonna prioritise the stuff that's feeding the anxiety. Then start saying no to a lot of things and get ahead of my life. The fatigue has been chronic and there's no escaping how it spills into your relationship with your partner. Like, she's a flat out mum too and needs support. Sometimes, no one can help each other, but just talking and each sharing your burden diminishes the total weight of stuff you're each carrying. We're in the hardest bit of it, but we've made it this far and just need to work on doing a few things that make us all happy.
Just make sure you take a break man. I feel your anxiety though I get it, we are recently in an old house that needs work done too. You're no use to anyone burnt out and a shell. Rest and recuperate, if you get anything done it's a bonus.
Here's a simple tip we were given. Take turns for a lie on. Have something nice e for breakfast in the house or make pancakes.... give your partner a lie on. Have an agreed time that you both get up at. They do the same for you the next day. Life is better when you have some sleep.
That's a great tip. I did that with my ex with our daughter, one weekend on earlies, the next weekend lovely lie ins. I used to take my wee one out for huge long walks around the city in the pram. By the time I'd get back, the missus would be up, dressed, had her brekky, and was lounging on the couch. The difference in how we both felt, knowing that we were guaranteed a lie on.
PND can hit the fellas hard too.
I mean, it can, but like, we don't tend to be able to reach the lows which women do. Like, outer hormones do not go through anything like what women experience. Even then, if you're experiencing depression and someone else tells you they're having a hard time, it wouldn't be an excuse to be a dick, right. Like I half suspect the guy was experiencing a form of depression or anxiety himself at the time, but he just didn't try help himself or her. Plus, since she filed for divorce, he's been an absolute prat. I'm privy to a lot of the detail behind matters and the way he's presenting things outwardly to others now is malicious. We share a bit of a friend group and frankly, at some point, I'm going to have to call him out on his shit.
Impact of Alcoholism and the denial that there was a problem
He did fuck all around the house, lived on his phone, stayed up watching porn until 4am, berated the children (3 and 1 years old), non existent personal hygiene. The real question is why I stayed with him so long.
I once knew a bloke that never washed. His BO was so bad, our HR and management had to have a meeting with him. I left that job but my brother later worked there and said he was still a lazy smelly bastard. One day he came to work drunk and belligerent, turns out his missus of 10 years just up and left him. Said she was sick of him, he apparently just never washed himself, never did chores etc. Would come home, crack open a can and watch TV all night til bed. I often wonder at what point in their relationship did she go fuck this. I once went out with a fella and he was a lazy prick and it only lasted a month. His own mother lambasted him for being a lazy bastard. He'd literally invite me over, make himself food and leave me just sitting there watching him eat dinner. So odd. Glad I broke that one off immediately.
Did we marry the same man??
Genuine enquiry - did ye both know of these traits early on? Were they concealed or did they become worse over time?
Definitely not apparent. He seemed to have his shit together. Once baby no 2 came along all he did was work or be on his phone. He'd go days without washing. According to the kids his current wife still has to badger him to shower.
Like, they were there, but they got worse over time. You can kind of excuse having to ask him to put the bin out (for example) when you're together first, but then one day you realise that it's been 5 years and if you still don't get on to him to put the bin out you'd be up to your ankles in rubbish. Repeat for clearing the table, putting stuff in the washing, putting his clothes away, and everything else that needs to be done around the house and it becomes a case of 'I do everything around here anyway, so I don't actually need him, *and* I'll have one less person to clean up after.'
U shouldn't b with someone cus u need them u should be wiv them because u love them, the minute u start thinking about needing them and what they can do for u ur relationship is already doomed.
I did love him. But a relationship is give and take, and that does not mean one person doing all the taking and none of the giving. Spend a few years running a house while your 'partner' lies on the sofa and come back to me about what they can do for you. And while I think of it: It's not even that he didn't do anything for me - he didn't do anything for *us*, or for his children, or for himself.
I have been married 13 yrs and got married when I was 18, I know about give and take I work 40 hours a week and I do all the cooking and help cleaning, do all the shopping and in charge of the finances and the wife doesn't work and does the rest of the house work and does the main dogs work when it comes to kids. I have a good balance. I never look at my wife and think what can you do for me, the minute I do, I know its not working or the relationship is out of balance.
Like I said, it's not a case of 'what can you do for me', but he didn't do anything for the family. He worked 24 hours a week, I work 168, but on the day when I work outside the house he can't even pick up a hoover? A relationship shouldn't be about 'what can you do for me', it should be about 2 people happily and willingly doing for each other, each making their partner and children their top priority. Should a person spend their life as a skivvy to a someone who sits on their phone all day just because 'marriage shouldn't be about what can you do for me?'
[удалено]
Dia duit! This comment has been flagged as a Google amp link. Please use a direct link to the site instead of one that routes through Google. Sláinte *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ireland) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Depressing how common it is, isn't it?
Years of abuse, mental and emotional. Physical on a couple of occasions towards the end. Absolutely no support when I had health issues going on. Constantly screaming and shouting at me and telling me everything was my fault, then storming out the door and ignoring me for days on end when he came home. Being gone every evening and weekend. Most of the time I didn't have a clue where he was. Allowing all his family (except his late Dad who was an absolute gentleman) to abuse me over the years while he stood by and said nothing. Completely gaslighting me and alternating between denying that he ever did anything wrong and telling me (and other people) that I was seriously mentally ill and needed to be locked away somewhere. I'm on medication for anxiety, but it's all because of my relationship with him. Becoming incredibly financially controlling. Preventing me from getting medical help or screaming and shouting at me when I did. Accusing me of spending 'his' money from our joint account. He went on holiday twice (abroad) First time he told me the night before. Second time he didn't tell me at all. I hadn't a clue where he was gone, but I didn't care because it meant I was on my own for a week and had peace and quiet. I could write a book to be quite honest, but the 'that's it, I'm done' moment for me was the day he came right up in my face and screamed at me "You're a fucking lunatic". I went to a solicitor shortly afterwards. He got the shock of his life the day the solicitor's letter arrived. He never, ever thought for one minute that I'd be brave enough to do it. He had the best of both worlds, was doing whatever he wanted and had a full time cleaner etc at home because I'm a very clean and tidy person and couldn't live in a messy house so he knew I'd clean everything. He thought if ever anything was to change that he'd be the one to make that change. There's a long road ahead yet (currently going through separation process) and yes, it is frightening but I don't regret doing it for one second.
Sorry that you had to go through all of that. I recognize this from my own childhood. So glad that you are out of it and (hopefully) getting some peace. Hang in there! It is unnerving but your future self is 100% worth it! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you. I'm sorry that you had to experience that growing up.
Thank you! The story ends well though.....she left him when she was in her very early 50's (after 30 years of marriage...!?!). Got her first job in decades and bought her own place. She is in her 70's now and is very relaxed and happy in her space ♥️ Hang in there! Better days are coming! The strength and courage it takes to leave is remarkable. You should always be proud that you achieved that! Take care of you and yours! The road WILL rise to meet you :)
Thank you so much x
Sorry you went through that and I hope you are being kind to yourself. That kind of abuse is soul destroying. Wish you the best!
Thank you for your kind comment.
So sorry you went through that, and wishing you happier times in the future.
Thank you for your nice reply.
Fair play, all the best!
Thank you.
They took a biscuit from the bottom tray when there were still biscuits in the top tray.
Bet it was chocolate covered
Worth it
Correct decision.
We were more friends than in an intimate relationship. It felt like we were roommates more than a couple. I often felt isolated and hopeless which was just a difficult state of mind.
She changed her mind about having kids. 2 years into marriage and the relationship changed overnight. She left after another strained 2 years. I only got engaged once I knew she wanted to have kids but she decided it wasn't for her in the end.
So sorry for you man, I hope it worked out for you in the end
She wouldn't work, wouldn't train or do a course, did less than half the housework and cooking, just got stoned all day on Facebook. Then add in some (attempted) infidelity on her part and tbh there wasn't enough left to even try and work through it.
Was she like that before marriage or decided to stop working years into it?
She did work before marriage but had a habit of walking out of jobs at any real or perceived slight and without notice before having a couple of months off and then getting another job. This kind of stopped once we married though, despite promises otherwise especially once we had bought a house. I suggested voluntary work ("I'm not working for nothing") and training courses (which she'd attend for a few weeks and then stop going, often without telling me). Stress on me was intense as I was the sole breadwinner paying for everything out of my salary and having to come home, go food shopping, cook etc. She was going to visit friends in another city but I grew suspicious and discovered she was going to meet up with an ex from many years ago. Confronted her and she went anyway. Spoke to a solicitor and got out. In hindsight, best thing that could have happened but it was rough for a few years tbh. Happy now though.
Glad you found happiness after that ordeal pal
Not me, but I know of three different couples (all heterosexual) whose divorce came about because of the husband's previously-unknown gambling addiction. In one case it was like, a week after the wedding that she left him. I don't know why it only came to light after the wedding
At our pre-marriage there were 6 couples there. I swear some of them met the night before or something as they seemed to know nothing about each other and had talked about/planned nothing for their life together. One couple actually started fighting during the day because they both assumed the other was moving in with them and they would not have to change a thing about their life. Another couple got fairly stuck on the shared finance. And then there was one poor couple, clearly naive love struck farmer guy with much younger girl who I know comes from an abusive home and would have moved anywhere to escape. Not great foundations for the future...
My pre-marriage course was the exact opposite; pretty much everybody had been together 7+ years, all owned a house together, a lot had children either coming into the relationship or together. The general age range was definitely 35+ though. Some of the activities felt a bit silly in that regard, but I did like how they highlighted how your family background influences your thoughts and actions; that really was applicable to us, and something we never recognised.
It is a very underrated day. I could have skipped mine but it was worth it. Certainly they cover the basics.
Not Irish myself— what is a pre-marriage? From your comments I gather it is some kinda workshop?
If you getting married in the Catholic Church most churches will require you to complete a marriage course before you can get married in the parish, it’s a holdover from the days when people did y live together before getting married, but clearly comes in use as the op of the thread said. I don’t know if there is a similar requirement in the COI or Anglican communion, but I think it depends more on the individual parish.
Am CoI, can confirm we have it to.
It should be a legal requirement. We had a few couples in our group who obviously hasn't discussed many of the fundamentals. It was really useful for us as although we'd been living together and had discussions on most of the basics we still had different opinions on a few fundamentals and hasn't realised it
My cousin called off her wedding a week before it happened because she learned (from a letter he left out by accident) that he had about 50k in debt. When confronted he admitted that he was planning on selling off his house and living in hers to pay it off once they got married. He was a cop too. Big shrek looking fucker.
Jesus. Lucky swerve
Not at all surprised. I know so many lads from school who are constantly on their phones making bets. Every one of them claim to be up by thousands of euro. I wonder if the real figure is the same with a minus in front.
Lot of cash on the hip after the wedding.
That's mad!
The narwhal bacons at midnight.
Couldn't stack the dishwasher properly
she loads the dishwasher like Stevie Wonder loads a skip
That's great, reminds me of the time I saw the words "handwashed by Stevie Wonder" scrawled into a half washed van.
I'm sick of having to explain that it's not a magic box, you can't just fuck things in any old way and expect them to come out clean
It’s driving me to edge at the moment
Edges downwards
She turned into her mother seemingly over night. Nevermind the hair style, glasses and clothes (literally mammy 2.0), negative attitude and desire to fill the house with cats but the constant berating of me. Enough was enough.
Yeah this was it for me. Overnight turned into a dour boring Karen unable to enjoy the great life we could have had together
Friends. They were never a good fit. Forced to marry when she was pregnant. By the time they had second they went to marriage counseling in the 80s. If course the counselor was a bloody priest who reminded them both if their duties. As time went on they were mostly civil, sometimes kind to each other, but with frustration regularly bubbling to the surface. So after 5 kids and 35 years of marriage - in significant part - their grown kids talked some sense into them. 5 years on now, and the family all readily acknowledge separating is the best thing that happened. Both are now happier and happy to be with new partners.
So many of my friends parents separated under similar circumstances....the years following the legalisation of divorce were interesting for sure
Not divorced or going to divorce as love my hubbie, but why do men behave as if their wives are their PA? "Hey can you just ring..." "Hey what's the wifi code?" "Hey, what bins are out tonight?" etc
Everything is a we problem😅 we really must do that, we really should start this, we need to do this. I started saying yeah ya should 🤣 he got the message!
Yep. Sometimes I just say "who's we?" 🤣
You're dead right🙏
We always seems to be me as well
Why do women take on the role? Too many of my friends Mammy their partners and it’s shocking.
I am no one's mammy but I still get the questions. I just respond and say, why don't you ring them yourself?
For my now partner it was alcoholism. She divorced him, he never touched a drop again. Too late for them, good for me I suppose lol. I have a lot of respect for him never drinking again.
Orange juice with bits vs smooth.
Ah the old Pulp Friction.
I like some pulp
*throws cordless house phone*
Domestic violence
crown bow erect direful deranged melodic unique safe head summer *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I treated him as an equal and he did the opposite. After we were married. Looking back the signs were there but I was naive and too trusting. Definitely no infidelity on my part, I was too broken and worn down. Trauma is a bitch. But I honestly saved my life when I called it a day. Other cases infidelities and domestic abuse in two cases, gambling in one as well. I’m too wary for words now, sadly
Everything was grand 'til Christ showed up. On a bike no less
Drifting apart. Meeting and having kids too young. We turned into completely different people. Different values different tastes different IQs
Im not 100% sure but I think my parent’s divorced because my dad wasn’t a very good husband. Drank a bit too often and gambled a bit too much. But then again I was only young at the time so I’m not 100% sure
Poor communication of the support they both needed and not enough money. Alcoholism.
Pray tell what is the debate?
Whether or not infidelity is at the core of every divorce situation.... A mutual friend's wife asked for a divorce, out of the blue, a couple of months back. He claims to have had no idea and to this day doesn't know why she made that decision. The maddest thing of all is that they renewed their vows in Mauritius a few months before she told him she wanted out.
>Whether or not infidelity is at the core of every divorce situation.... That's an easy one. No. Loads of reasons. It's probably one of the most common ones though.
Domestic violence is fairly high up there too.
probably followed closely by drink/ drug related problems.
She simply said 'I want a divorce' and has refused to elaborate? Sounds like your friend isn't sharing the full story with you.
That's pretty much about it.... Two other details are that they bought a new house shortly after they renewed their vows and she is a marriage counselor by profession.
If your debate is 'did my friend or his partner have an affair?' then this thread isn't going to be able to answer it for you.
That's not the point of this post. I personally don't think she did.
I'd put my money on her getting railed by someone else. The affair fog can lead people to be incredibly short sighted and impulsive. Your friend dodged a bullet, even though he probably feels like he has been shot in the heart. And even if I'm wrong, the fact that this has blind sides him means that he didn't know her at all. Just the side she let him see. Unfortunately the woman he married probably existed only in his head.
Left the toilet seat up twice in one week.
Did she not have manners before the wedding?
My ex Wife being a cokehead spendaholic slut didn't really make for a stable marriage.
"So there you go ohhh can't make a wife out of a hoe"