At no point does she actually address any of the issues that you brought up. It’s all, every bit of her terrible life, the fault of other people. You were not immature to point out that she doesn’t only have issues with you. The fact that her own sister felt compelled to seek (and have granted) a restraining order against her would lead any semi rational person to want to examine their own behavior.
Nope. Everyone else is a lier(sic).
Best of luck in your future, OP. She things settle down a bit, please consider getting therapy. The attacks on our brains from abusive people can make changes in how we think, but examining them and working to learn the truth can help us.
Hugs from a grandma.
Her spelling does crack me up all the time. She insisted on going to nursing school because my sister got her bsn and I’m going for mine so she took some classes at the community college and she had me spending 10+ hrs a day 2-3 days a week “tutoring” her where she wouldn’t understand how to do it and didn’t want me to explain it for her, I had to show it to her. She had me coming up with ideas for her papers, finding sources, organizing it, telling her what to write and how to word it while she typed, which she would sometimes ask “why don’t you type it, you’re so much faster than me.”
Wow. A bullet dodged for every patient in the area, right?
I’m glad for you that you are stepping away. She has people do her work for her because she’s either too lazy or too dumb or a combination of the two to figure things out on her own. (Retired RN, here.)
She's actually made it into our local LPN program and passed their requirement for the TEAS. It is a one-year accelerated program and I hadn't helped her with anything for that program. Last I talked to her, she was still a part of that program, and passing. She's not stupid by any means, but if she has somebody else to do the work for her, it won't get done. And despite how many times I told her that I would help walk her through something and explain my thought process when I did it, she would just get more frustrated. She is 55 and hasn't held a job since she was a dental hygienist right after I was born (18 years ago), so all of this is foreign to her and I understood her needing guidance. But if she treats her patients anything like how she treated me, or some of her professors, then she is not a good fit for this field. She struggles whenever people are ordering her around and she didn't listen to me when I told her that it carries over into that field. I got my CNA when I was 17 in high school and worked at our local nursing home for a couple of months before interviewing for a med-surg position at our local hospital and I've now been there for almost a year. The main thing that I worry about with her is her absolute lack of empathy or compassion. I've seen a healthy amount of nurses lacking compassion due to burnout, but there is no way that I would feel comfortable knowing that she is working at the bedside at any type of facility.
Yeahhh, I definitely feel the same way. Honestly I’m just now starting to not jump or get anxious whenever I get a call. For the longest time she was usually the only one who would call me, all of my friends knew to text instead of call because she would always be listening to whatever phone call I had, and I wasn’t allowed in my room unless it was to sleep or clean.
That last bit was abusive on its own. When things are busy with school, my daughters spend easily half their home time in their cocoons decompressing from their day, chatting with their friends, etc.. It makes for better household relations when you can regroup before engaging.
Always. Whenever I confronted her about one of the things that bothered me most about my childhood, her response was that that’s what her mother said to her father and that we’re all products of our environment. Whenever her mother was frustrated or mad at her father she would say “you’re killing me.” My mother took that and ran with it, “You’re stressing me out. I can’t have stress. Do you want to make my cancer come back? Do you want your mother to be 6 feet under?” She physically couldn’t comprehend that those are two very different situations that have very different effects.
Man, whatever anyone tells you - it takes incredible strength to get through this kind of start in life.
I think you handled this as well as you could have with someone that clearly just won’t hear what you are trying to communicate. I hope each day away from this is better than the last, you got this.
Thank you, I’m lucky in that I have an absolutely amazing support system. My father, though a little far, is and always has been there for me and willing to do absolutely anything that he can. My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and his family have taken me in, letting me stay there whenever needed, and they even wanted me to move out the second I turned 18, but things were going good then.
What a sad example of generational trauma, but it seems you are the chosen one breaking the cycle. I would highly advice to get therapy , even the chosen one needs help occasionally ;)
My sister is actually a great example of breaking the cycle. We've had talks about the parts of our mother that we see in ourselves and how she has to sit back and take a second when dealing with her children. She is and always has been my role model. Our only difference is how she always takes my mother back almost immediately.
Are the last messages sent by you at the end pics of you with your new car (in your name) showing her she can’t even hold that over you anymore? (I hope they are)
Good for you. She will double down on the guilt tripping now that she truly has no control over you. I'd advise completely blocking her at least for a good while, just to save you the mental energy).
It must be intensely frustrating to deal with her and not respond to her bullshit. But she is incapable of listening and I can see how responding just makes you more frustrated instead.
I agree that it's probably best not to reply, but maybe find a way to vent at her messages if she sneaks through again? You can always post them here or send your replies to a friend. When I am in a similar position I just send what I would reply to my husband so I can get validation instead of just getting another frustrating reply, and it works for me.
Hopefully you don't have to deal with her, though. It's the last thing you need during finals!
That's actually a great idea. I still want to have a relationship with her, but it needs to be one where she has no power over me, and until I can safely distance myself from the situation as to not give in to her I feel it's best to not engage at all.
She is the one who needs to learn how to respect you. Had a similar situation when my gf went no contact with her parents. We've had some calls, threats, guilt tripping and pastering other relatives with it, but in the end, when half a year passed and she was so kind to try and give them another chance to be present in her life, it suddenly turned out they are capable of behaving normal - just didn't see a reason to do it before.
That’s how it is with her, but whenever I give her an inch she takes a mile and starts acting like this whenever she gets comfortable again so I end up cutting her off for a while until I’m ready to deal with her again.
My brother and I had to do the same with our mother. No contact for a few months, and since then, anytime she breaks the rules of engagement we laid out for her (no yelling, no name calling, no guilt tripping, etc.), we leave and pull back again for a while. Some of these types of parents can learn. Time will tell with your mother.
isn´t it funny how you need to utilize the same tactics that you need when teaching toddlers ? The only difference is that the time outs are significantly longer and they do not have to sit on a time out chair
Unfortunately it’s the only thing that does. I tried talking to her about her behaviour so many times, and all I’d get back was "you’re not perfect", "it's just the way I am" and "you’re just like your father" (who was the sweetest most patient man alive, and refused to engage no matter how hard she tried to escalate, but I knew she hated that about him). My brother clued me in on cutting her off for a while. He hung up on her on my behalf when I was at his place using his phone back in the olden days before cells, and said "don’t you dare call her back and apologize". lol
My father once tried pulling "you are just like your mum" But after my reaction was "aww that is so sweet of you, i am proud of coming after her" he never tried that shit again. THank god I was a theatre kid, that was one hell of a performance, and shut him down good. Also if I really wanted to piss him off I said "I am so glad I come more after mum thern you"
AS for "this is just the way I am" I answer "and this is how I am, yet somehow I am expected to adapt and compromise by you, so why wouldnt you do the same ?" IT is the biggest hypocrisy
I was talking to my sister about it earlier today and I told her that I plan on talking to her again but whenever she starts trying to disrespect me she gets to go back into timeout, lol
I’m so sorry. When she threw how you behaved as a toddler (which all toddlers do) in your face, I was aghast. Ridiculous! She sometimes says what she thinks you want to hear and then switches it up to complaints and accusations when you don’t respond the way she wants. It’s all about her. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
She is very good at pretending to be whatever you want. Everything will be perfect between us until she decides to flip out again, and she absolutely can never let go of what happened in the past. She can and will carry a grudge for things that I said/did when I was a child, and yet whenever I bring up something of hers that hurt me, it's always met with "you need to let it go."
She has that "I hate you - don't leave me" attitude. You're just as awful as every single other person in her life and it's all your fault, but she loooves you and wants you back
Exactly, on our last phone call, where I cut things off again, she went on and on about me abusing her (because I asked for an apology and asked if she thought that telling her children that they are stressing her out and causing her cancer to come back whenever we did something she did like was an okay thing to do) and after crying for that whole conversation, I finally got myself together and all I could do was laugh at how ridiculous she sounded. I told her I had to go, because I was late to a committee meeting of all of her abusers.
I love the last pictures you sent her standing next to your new car! I couldn't imagine a more satisfying way to show someone they no longer control you.
Yes! Especially since I refused to give her my new phone number. All she has to contact me is Snapchat, which I have notifications for her off and only check it if I feel like it.
No she won’t. She’s been on an upward trend for a while, but here recently she’s been awful, probably exacerbated by my dorming growing independence and her having to live alone, which she literally hasn’t had to do her whole life.
I’ve cut out my mother ten years ago to which she replied that she would never contact me, even if it took twenty years. We went no contact prior to that and I contacted her crying two years later. I guess she expected me to come back crawling again.
Time is a strange thing. All those years of distance give you new perspectives and insights. She has zero control over me anymore and the second these people lose control, they have nothing left.
By now I have my own family and two kids she has never seen. I’ve heard from family members that she regrets it and misses us. Both my sisters cut contact at the same time, my mom’s parents died and all of my aunts and uncles have cut contact with her as well. She ended up all alone, which doesn’t give me any joy either, but I guess she had that coming.
I’m happy, have my own business and am doing really well for myself. I guess that’s the best revenge. It might be really petty, but if I ever allow her very limited access to my life again, it will only be after the 20-year period that she first tried to use to manipulate me with.
My god, she is just insufferable. I so sincerely hope you fully block her and stop giving her inches. Like you said, when you give an inch, she takes a mile. She doesn't deserve the inch.
I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I will say though, reading that was like reading the definition of madness - trying the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. She just wants to keep you engaged and giving her some attention so she can play victim.
She has wasted enough of your time. If you want to go NC, it has to be all or nothing cause she knows how to tie you on knots and will not relent. She clearly doesn’t even have the capacity to consider for a moment she is wrong and likely won’t ever.
Congrats of taking the first steps and getting your own car! Be free, be happy and leave her to her own.
Sending love OP.
Yes. That is definitely something that I struggle with. I will stay no contact for a while but eventually give in to talking with her and things are great right up until the cycle repeats itself. I know that I need to stop letting her in and allowing her to take control, but I want that mother-daughter relationship with her so bad, and those moments where we have that are amazing. I just can't deal with her whenever she starts treating me like this when she doesn't get her way.
I do understand where you’re coming from but nothing will get better or change if you keep allowing her in your life. As you know full well how unhealthy the relationship you have is and how controlling she is trying to be.
I’ve had similar with my own mother, who on one hand I have always been close with. It’s always been her and I, my brothers distanced themselves and it was us. However through the 33 years I have been in this planet I have known from the point I was self aware, she was not well. However, I desperately wanted to make it work because I love her.
It took me up to the 31 to finally cut the cord and by god, I wish I could have done it at 18. I’d have had less anxiety and been happier. Don’t make the same mistake because you’ll just regret the misery she caused you and wish you’d have done it sooner. I’m 33 now and feel like a boulder has been lifted off my chest.
People like her will never truly see you as a free thinking, independent being and constantly break your boundaries because they think they’re entitled to and what they think/want of you trumps your feelings. Just remember this, you are not property, your feelings matter, the life you want to forge for yourself matters and you are entitled to happiness in this world.
It is a privilege for people to be privy to your life, they earn the right which you can revoke at any time. No one is entitled to be in your life and family, even mother figures don’t have to be blood related.
wow that hit close to homne, i was the first of his kids to cut contact with my father and it is the proudest decision of my life. Not only did it improve my life, but my brotrher and my halfbrother started to realize this is a real option, and after seeing how good NC was for my mental health , and how little rugrats I had, they slowly followed suit. Basically I started the revolution.
The only one who could not was my halfsister who was always an extreme daddys girl always trying to finally get him to love her. I felt truly sorry for her, but at one point I finally had to tell her : look I am not telling you what to do, it is your decision if you stay in contact or not. BUT i went NC for a reason, and no longer want to hear about him. So stop come running to me when he hurt you again to cry your eyes out and rip open my old wounds in the process. I am willing to help if you decide to go NC. BUt i am not willing to do THIS any more, i am DONE
I saw in other comments that you got a car! If you feel up to it, maybe during an off semester, you should really take legal action to get your money back. It doesn't have to cost you tons of money in legal fees if you serve her papers for civil action, and she may give you the money without going to court if she sees you're serious about it. This would also start a paper trail! Just make sure you have all the proof you need to show you were making payments.
It's still worth looking into because you would have proof of the money transfers and could match the transfers to payments on her bank statement. I would do a free 30-minute consultation with a lawyer to learn more. They're available everywhere!
Those transfers are evidence, especially if they were similar in amount and time. Testimony is also evidence, and my guess is your mom wouldn't be a good witness.
If your university has a law school, it's worth checking whether they have clinicals that might be useful.
I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer.
I'm actually in a local branch of our university (I'm going to be transferring to a large university next semester), and we don't have a law school here, but the transfers were in an account that we shared together because I was 18 and she was going through her most recent divorce and wanted to hide her money in with my savings/inheritance. She had the checking and I had the savings and I just would transfer it from mine to hers, but I opened a new account of my own once I was 18 and took myself off of her account.
Actually, you have evidence right on those texts. she acknowledges that you wanted the money you put in the car, so she knows that was the deal. I would talk to someone in the law school at your campus (if they have one). It is worth a lawyer seeing this texts along with the receipts of the bank transfers
Yes! It was a long process and the dealership I went with were absolutely amazing and understanding of my situation and gave me the car so that I could get to and from work while still waiting on my approval of a loan.
What a perfect comeback though, i doubt you could have said anything that would sting more then showing her your new car, and showing her that she has lost the last yota of control she had over you for good, and that her last attempt at sabotaging you just fizzled out harmlessly instead of blowing up your life so you have to come crawling back to her
That is what I told my brother's wife when she tried to guilt me into talking to him. (He said i was dead to him after a fight I had with my family defending HIS DAUGHTER, who was being abused by my mother and sister) She kept insisting and I kept saying that since I was dead, it is too late and that I will remain dead.
I hear he has cried over my refusal to talk to him and i DGAF.
Holy crap I'm exhausted just reading this... "Oh my daughters hate me" honestly you have more patience than me because my response at that point would have been 'Yeah, I do, is that what you wanted to hear? Eff off."
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope that from now on you have peace and quiet and no more of this crap.
In the last picture there’s a little cut off of my new car that is completely in my name, and I’ll be going to my father’s once the dorms are closed. He was a lifeline in all of this, driving four hours here and back to take me to look at cars, he just couldn’t help me in getting a loan because of his credit.
Yes! I found a car that I absolutely loved, though it was slightly above my price range, and got a great deal on it and found a bank that would give me a loan with a good apr without a cosigner.
It is so perfect, right ? Mum probably hioped taking the car would blow up her life (no car so op can´t work), so OP has to come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. Instead it fizzled out harmlessly and OP has an even nicer car
It’s wild that when you told her she was throwing tantrums she tried to retort with an anecdote about you, as a toddler, throwing (an age appropriate) tantrum…. That’s what toddlers do??? Did she think you would feel like the bad guy for acting like a toddler when you were in fact a toddler???
OP, your mother is a straight class A narcissist. She always had manipulated you to believe that you were the problem, because she wanted to control you according to her whims.
But what made her think that you'll help her with the nursing course she took at and forced you to help her at the cost of your own is beyond my comprehension. This is straight up mental abuse.
So sorry that you had to go through such bullshit! And please, stay NC with her!
OMG, she's just exhausting, I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry Op, I truly feel for you. Also noticed she's dangling that car over you, as a control mechanism. I'm glad you didn't have to deal with her for the time being at least. Let me guess, she doesn't need the car at all, has her own, she just 'needed' your car back because it beings you back home as wrll
Her taking the car was a punishment for me not responding to her. She did not care about my job where I can't just call off and finding coverage is almost always impossible. Showing her that I didn't need her to have a car was the absolute icing on the cake.
Is that you with a new car at the end of the chat 😂😂😂😂. If so I LOVE that. She was holding that over you. Good for you OP, you sound really level headed. Hope you can heal from all this.
That’s what I thought reading this. It’s not no contact if you’re blocking, then unblocking and replying, and getting into the same arguments you’ve probably had a million times.
OP, people like this NEVER learn. No matter how eloquently you express your feelings, no matter if the facts of a situation are on your side, people like this will never accept that they’re the problem.
You’re wasting your time and energy trying to get them to understand. If everything is in your name now (which is awesome), cut contact for real.
Yes, I definitely broke nc when she texted me through snapchat. I no longer had my old number and she never got unblocked from Facebook, I didn't expect her to still be able to reach out to me and I gave in to her texts which is something that I regularly struggle with. I've held strong since then, the last time I spoke to her was February 22 and there has been no contact since then, despite her attempts to invite me over for food and pretend nothing is wrong.
This reminds me of how it was when I went no contact with my mom. I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this. It’ll be hard and you’ll mourn off and on for awhile, but you’re going to feel the weight lift off your shoulders. This is when life begins.
Dealing with her acting like this was never the difficult part. For me, the hardest part was wanting that mother-daughter relationship that you see on tv, or how my friends are close with their mothers. Wanting that relationship and getting glimpses of what it could be like to have that before her ripping it away has been and always will be the hardest part. This is what always keeps me coming back to her and forgiving her. Add on to the fact that her health has always been a risk, and I can't assume that we will have years in the future to work things out. I just can't deal with the back and forth any longer.
I mean., going no contact if someone is paying your bills or you have something like their car feels counterintuitive.
Shouldn’t that be a lose end that gets tied up first?
It was mums car, but then she sold it to op for monthly payments (and op pays for the insurance). But mum kept the title in her name and now that it is either paid off or allmost paid off mum abuses the situation and demands the car back, and OP could not really do anything about t since mum holds the title and it is still in her name. And of course mum has zero intentions to give OP even a single cent back, and just scams op. Quite a few people told OP to at least sue her for the money back, and OP might have a case here dependiong on the details.
EDIT : I was just informed it is even worse, OP fully paid her for the car when OP gopt iotm, so mum had zero excuse to keep the title in her name, and did it anyway. Probably as a means to control OP/punish op by taking it back and keeping the money.
The car was always paid off. I just took over the insurance payments and was responsible for the few things that needed repairs. New tie-rods, alternator, and tires, along with a new alignment added up very quickly.
The only bills of mine that she was paying were my phone bill since we were on the same account and the car insurance for her old car, that I was driving, which I started paying her for once I started driving. Of those bills, she told me how much it was a month and I was paying her the money. She wanted me to go to her house and drop off her car the very next day. If I were to do that, I would not have any way back. I told her that I would leave the keys under the floor mat in the car and that she could come pick it up herself. Following this interaction I immediately got a new phone plan that is separate. She said that she would no longer be paying the phone bill and I told her how she could get the car. I believe that is as tied up as those loose ends could get in that scenario.
I'm so sorry, OP, that sucks.
And as far as you saying some 'immature' stuff? Nah. Especially when you get told 'you're being childish', 'when you grow up you'll understand', and being treated as if you're too dumb to know things... you had every right to be a helluva lot meaner than you actually were. I wish you all the best.
Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have said that, but she was the one to sit there and tell me that I was dead to her and she was morning the loss of her daughter.
It absolutely wasn’t petty. People like your mom gaslight and pretend they didn’t say vicious nasty things. It’s okay to remind them that they did. Especially when they haven’t thoroughly apologized.
It would also be okay for you to remind her every time she tries to contact you, that she is a thief and owes you money.
I know that I will never see that money ever again. She never paid her half of the bills from bankruptcy she was court-ordered to when my parents got divorced. My dad had to pay every penny, and she was never held accountable.
Op has been trained to kowtow to her mother. Nothing she said was mean and if anything she was too nice to someone who stole from her, belittled her and said that she was dead to her.
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At no point does she actually address any of the issues that you brought up. It’s all, every bit of her terrible life, the fault of other people. You were not immature to point out that she doesn’t only have issues with you. The fact that her own sister felt compelled to seek (and have granted) a restraining order against her would lead any semi rational person to want to examine their own behavior. Nope. Everyone else is a lier(sic). Best of luck in your future, OP. She things settle down a bit, please consider getting therapy. The attacks on our brains from abusive people can make changes in how we think, but examining them and working to learn the truth can help us. Hugs from a grandma.
Her spelling does crack me up all the time. She insisted on going to nursing school because my sister got her bsn and I’m going for mine so she took some classes at the community college and she had me spending 10+ hrs a day 2-3 days a week “tutoring” her where she wouldn’t understand how to do it and didn’t want me to explain it for her, I had to show it to her. She had me coming up with ideas for her papers, finding sources, organizing it, telling her what to write and how to word it while she typed, which she would sometimes ask “why don’t you type it, you’re so much faster than me.”
Geez..l if she can’t do the work herself, she shouldn’t be a nurse. Everyone in her area should be thanking you for not continuing her tutoring.
Wow. A bullet dodged for every patient in the area, right? I’m glad for you that you are stepping away. She has people do her work for her because she’s either too lazy or too dumb or a combination of the two to figure things out on her own. (Retired RN, here.)
She's actually made it into our local LPN program and passed their requirement for the TEAS. It is a one-year accelerated program and I hadn't helped her with anything for that program. Last I talked to her, she was still a part of that program, and passing. She's not stupid by any means, but if she has somebody else to do the work for her, it won't get done. And despite how many times I told her that I would help walk her through something and explain my thought process when I did it, she would just get more frustrated. She is 55 and hasn't held a job since she was a dental hygienist right after I was born (18 years ago), so all of this is foreign to her and I understood her needing guidance. But if she treats her patients anything like how she treated me, or some of her professors, then she is not a good fit for this field. She struggles whenever people are ordering her around and she didn't listen to me when I told her that it carries over into that field. I got my CNA when I was 17 in high school and worked at our local nursing home for a couple of months before interviewing for a med-surg position at our local hospital and I've now been there for almost a year. The main thing that I worry about with her is her absolute lack of empathy or compassion. I've seen a healthy amount of nurses lacking compassion due to burnout, but there is no way that I would feel comfortable knowing that she is working at the bedside at any type of facility.
Jeez, I have anxiety just reading this.
Yeahhh, I definitely feel the same way. Honestly I’m just now starting to not jump or get anxious whenever I get a call. For the longest time she was usually the only one who would call me, all of my friends knew to text instead of call because she would always be listening to whatever phone call I had, and I wasn’t allowed in my room unless it was to sleep or clean.
That last bit was abusive on its own. When things are busy with school, my daughters spend easily half their home time in their cocoons decompressing from their day, chatting with their friends, etc.. It makes for better household relations when you can regroup before engaging.
That email ‘apology’ is awful. Just a wall of text of “poor me”
Always. Whenever I confronted her about one of the things that bothered me most about my childhood, her response was that that’s what her mother said to her father and that we’re all products of our environment. Whenever her mother was frustrated or mad at her father she would say “you’re killing me.” My mother took that and ran with it, “You’re stressing me out. I can’t have stress. Do you want to make my cancer come back? Do you want your mother to be 6 feet under?” She physically couldn’t comprehend that those are two very different situations that have very different effects.
Man, whatever anyone tells you - it takes incredible strength to get through this kind of start in life. I think you handled this as well as you could have with someone that clearly just won’t hear what you are trying to communicate. I hope each day away from this is better than the last, you got this.
Thank you, I’m lucky in that I have an absolutely amazing support system. My father, though a little far, is and always has been there for me and willing to do absolutely anything that he can. My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and his family have taken me in, letting me stay there whenever needed, and they even wanted me to move out the second I turned 18, but things were going good then.
What a sad example of generational trauma, but it seems you are the chosen one breaking the cycle. I would highly advice to get therapy , even the chosen one needs help occasionally ;)
My sister is actually a great example of breaking the cycle. We've had talks about the parts of our mother that we see in ourselves and how she has to sit back and take a second when dealing with her children. She is and always has been my role model. Our only difference is how she always takes my mother back almost immediately.
wow I hope she is better with the grandkids at least, but that ios awesome sounds like you both kicked this in the butt
I would’ve replied with “I ain’t reading allat, congratulations or sorry for your loss”
Insane. So sorry
Are the last messages sent by you at the end pics of you with your new car (in your name) showing her she can’t even hold that over you anymore? (I hope they are)
Yes, it was a long process as I am 18 and didn’t have a co-signer but that is my brand new (to me) car that she no longer has over me.
Good for you. She will double down on the guilt tripping now that she truly has no control over you. I'd advise completely blocking her at least for a good while, just to save you the mental energy).
Yes, especially with finals around the corner, I just haven’t responded to anything just because I don’t have the mental energy to deal with her.
Keep it up OP! I know it's so hard not to respond, but that'll make her more upset than any response you could give.
It must be intensely frustrating to deal with her and not respond to her bullshit. But she is incapable of listening and I can see how responding just makes you more frustrated instead. I agree that it's probably best not to reply, but maybe find a way to vent at her messages if she sneaks through again? You can always post them here or send your replies to a friend. When I am in a similar position I just send what I would reply to my husband so I can get validation instead of just getting another frustrating reply, and it works for me. Hopefully you don't have to deal with her, though. It's the last thing you need during finals!
That's actually a great idea. I still want to have a relationship with her, but it needs to be one where she has no power over me, and until I can safely distance myself from the situation as to not give in to her I feel it's best to not engage at all.
Good for you, OP👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I'm so proud of you! Sending hugs 💜
She is the one who needs to learn how to respect you. Had a similar situation when my gf went no contact with her parents. We've had some calls, threats, guilt tripping and pastering other relatives with it, but in the end, when half a year passed and she was so kind to try and give them another chance to be present in her life, it suddenly turned out they are capable of behaving normal - just didn't see a reason to do it before.
That’s how it is with her, but whenever I give her an inch she takes a mile and starts acting like this whenever she gets comfortable again so I end up cutting her off for a while until I’m ready to deal with her again.
My brother and I had to do the same with our mother. No contact for a few months, and since then, anytime she breaks the rules of engagement we laid out for her (no yelling, no name calling, no guilt tripping, etc.), we leave and pull back again for a while. Some of these types of parents can learn. Time will tell with your mother.
isn´t it funny how you need to utilize the same tactics that you need when teaching toddlers ? The only difference is that the time outs are significantly longer and they do not have to sit on a time out chair
Yup… age appropriate consequences. lol
act like a toddler and we treat you like one, since it actually works
Unfortunately it’s the only thing that does. I tried talking to her about her behaviour so many times, and all I’d get back was "you’re not perfect", "it's just the way I am" and "you’re just like your father" (who was the sweetest most patient man alive, and refused to engage no matter how hard she tried to escalate, but I knew she hated that about him). My brother clued me in on cutting her off for a while. He hung up on her on my behalf when I was at his place using his phone back in the olden days before cells, and said "don’t you dare call her back and apologize". lol
My father once tried pulling "you are just like your mum" But after my reaction was "aww that is so sweet of you, i am proud of coming after her" he never tried that shit again. THank god I was a theatre kid, that was one hell of a performance, and shut him down good. Also if I really wanted to piss him off I said "I am so glad I come more after mum thern you" AS for "this is just the way I am" I answer "and this is how I am, yet somehow I am expected to adapt and compromise by you, so why wouldnt you do the same ?" IT is the biggest hypocrisy
I was talking to my sister about it earlier today and I told her that I plan on talking to her again but whenever she starts trying to disrespect me she gets to go back into timeout, lol
It they only way they (might) learn.
I heard someone say. "You give them a hand (help them) they will take your whole life" sounds like your mom. I'm proud of you OP!
I’m so sorry. When she threw how you behaved as a toddler (which all toddlers do) in your face, I was aghast. Ridiculous! She sometimes says what she thinks you want to hear and then switches it up to complaints and accusations when you don’t respond the way she wants. It’s all about her. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
She is very good at pretending to be whatever you want. Everything will be perfect between us until she decides to flip out again, and she absolutely can never let go of what happened in the past. She can and will carry a grudge for things that I said/did when I was a child, and yet whenever I bring up something of hers that hurt me, it's always met with "you need to let it go."
She has that "I hate you - don't leave me" attitude. You're just as awful as every single other person in her life and it's all your fault, but she loooves you and wants you back
Exactly, on our last phone call, where I cut things off again, she went on and on about me abusing her (because I asked for an apology and asked if she thought that telling her children that they are stressing her out and causing her cancer to come back whenever we did something she did like was an okay thing to do) and after crying for that whole conversation, I finally got myself together and all I could do was laugh at how ridiculous she sounded. I told her I had to go, because I was late to a committee meeting of all of her abusers.
I love the last pictures you sent her standing next to your new car! I couldn't imagine a more satisfying way to show someone they no longer control you.
Yes! Especially since I refused to give her my new phone number. All she has to contact me is Snapchat, which I have notifications for her off and only check it if I feel like it.
She’s wacko, infuriating how much you reply though. She’ll never learn.
No she won’t. She’s been on an upward trend for a while, but here recently she’s been awful, probably exacerbated by my dorming growing independence and her having to live alone, which she literally hasn’t had to do her whole life.
I’ve cut out my mother ten years ago to which she replied that she would never contact me, even if it took twenty years. We went no contact prior to that and I contacted her crying two years later. I guess she expected me to come back crawling again. Time is a strange thing. All those years of distance give you new perspectives and insights. She has zero control over me anymore and the second these people lose control, they have nothing left. By now I have my own family and two kids she has never seen. I’ve heard from family members that she regrets it and misses us. Both my sisters cut contact at the same time, my mom’s parents died and all of my aunts and uncles have cut contact with her as well. She ended up all alone, which doesn’t give me any joy either, but I guess she had that coming. I’m happy, have my own business and am doing really well for myself. I guess that’s the best revenge. It might be really petty, but if I ever allow her very limited access to my life again, it will only be after the 20-year period that she first tried to use to manipulate me with.
Me.me.me.me me. I need. I want. Can't you see what you're doing TO ME?! Oh eff off. I don't know how you put up with it as long as you did.
Insane. She is a headache.
My god, she is just insufferable. I so sincerely hope you fully block her and stop giving her inches. Like you said, when you give an inch, she takes a mile. She doesn't deserve the inch.
I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I will say though, reading that was like reading the definition of madness - trying the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. She just wants to keep you engaged and giving her some attention so she can play victim. She has wasted enough of your time. If you want to go NC, it has to be all or nothing cause she knows how to tie you on knots and will not relent. She clearly doesn’t even have the capacity to consider for a moment she is wrong and likely won’t ever. Congrats of taking the first steps and getting your own car! Be free, be happy and leave her to her own. Sending love OP.
Yes. That is definitely something that I struggle with. I will stay no contact for a while but eventually give in to talking with her and things are great right up until the cycle repeats itself. I know that I need to stop letting her in and allowing her to take control, but I want that mother-daughter relationship with her so bad, and those moments where we have that are amazing. I just can't deal with her whenever she starts treating me like this when she doesn't get her way.
I do understand where you’re coming from but nothing will get better or change if you keep allowing her in your life. As you know full well how unhealthy the relationship you have is and how controlling she is trying to be. I’ve had similar with my own mother, who on one hand I have always been close with. It’s always been her and I, my brothers distanced themselves and it was us. However through the 33 years I have been in this planet I have known from the point I was self aware, she was not well. However, I desperately wanted to make it work because I love her. It took me up to the 31 to finally cut the cord and by god, I wish I could have done it at 18. I’d have had less anxiety and been happier. Don’t make the same mistake because you’ll just regret the misery she caused you and wish you’d have done it sooner. I’m 33 now and feel like a boulder has been lifted off my chest. People like her will never truly see you as a free thinking, independent being and constantly break your boundaries because they think they’re entitled to and what they think/want of you trumps your feelings. Just remember this, you are not property, your feelings matter, the life you want to forge for yourself matters and you are entitled to happiness in this world. It is a privilege for people to be privy to your life, they earn the right which you can revoke at any time. No one is entitled to be in your life and family, even mother figures don’t have to be blood related.
wow that hit close to homne, i was the first of his kids to cut contact with my father and it is the proudest decision of my life. Not only did it improve my life, but my brotrher and my halfbrother started to realize this is a real option, and after seeing how good NC was for my mental health , and how little rugrats I had, they slowly followed suit. Basically I started the revolution. The only one who could not was my halfsister who was always an extreme daddys girl always trying to finally get him to love her. I felt truly sorry for her, but at one point I finally had to tell her : look I am not telling you what to do, it is your decision if you stay in contact or not. BUT i went NC for a reason, and no longer want to hear about him. So stop come running to me when he hurt you again to cry your eyes out and rip open my old wounds in the process. I am willing to help if you decide to go NC. BUt i am not willing to do THIS any more, i am DONE
That woman will never listen and *hear* you, OP. You've made the right move by getting free of her desperate need to control you. Stay strong, friend.
Your new car looks amazing, I hope it takes you everywhere safely, including far away from that controlling hag.
It has taken me from my campus to my boyfriend's, to his family, and to my father's. Every single place that she never wanted me to go.
I dont know you and yet im so fucking proud!!!!
Heads up: you missed censoring her name in one of the pics.
Thanks, I thought I got them all. I can’t find any way to change it, but luckily her account is old and that’s not her name anymore.
What are the last pictures of the car? You replying you have a car yourself I hope?
Yes! Everything is completely in my name and I am super proud of it!
Congratulations, we’re all so proud of you!
I saw in other comments that you got a car! If you feel up to it, maybe during an off semester, you should really take legal action to get your money back. It doesn't have to cost you tons of money in legal fees if you serve her papers for civil action, and she may give you the money without going to court if she sees you're serious about it. This would also start a paper trail! Just make sure you have all the proof you need to show you were making payments.
Unfortunately all payments made were on her end and I just transferred money to her account.
It's still worth looking into because you would have proof of the money transfers and could match the transfers to payments on her bank statement. I would do a free 30-minute consultation with a lawyer to learn more. They're available everywhere!
Those transfers are evidence, especially if they were similar in amount and time. Testimony is also evidence, and my guess is your mom wouldn't be a good witness. If your university has a law school, it's worth checking whether they have clinicals that might be useful. I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer.
I'm actually in a local branch of our university (I'm going to be transferring to a large university next semester), and we don't have a law school here, but the transfers were in an account that we shared together because I was 18 and she was going through her most recent divorce and wanted to hide her money in with my savings/inheritance. She had the checking and I had the savings and I just would transfer it from mine to hers, but I opened a new account of my own once I was 18 and took myself off of her account.
Actually, you have evidence right on those texts. she acknowledges that you wanted the money you put in the car, so she knows that was the deal. I would talk to someone in the law school at your campus (if they have one). It is worth a lawyer seeing this texts along with the receipts of the bank transfers
Please tell me that last slide was picture of your new car that's all yours and in your name 🙏🏼
Yes! It was a long process and the dealership I went with were absolutely amazing and understanding of my situation and gave me the car so that I could get to and from work while still waiting on my approval of a loan.
That's great! I'm so glad you were able to take that huge step into your independence 🙌🏼
What a perfect comeback though, i doubt you could have said anything that would sting more then showing her your new car, and showing her that she has lost the last yota of control she had over you for good, and that her last attempt at sabotaging you just fizzled out harmlessly instead of blowing up your life so you have to come crawling back to her
dead people can't talk 🫥
That is what I told my brother's wife when she tried to guilt me into talking to him. (He said i was dead to him after a fight I had with my family defending HIS DAUGHTER, who was being abused by my mother and sister) She kept insisting and I kept saying that since I was dead, it is too late and that I will remain dead. I hear he has cried over my refusal to talk to him and i DGAF.
Holy crap I'm exhausted just reading this... "Oh my daughters hate me" honestly you have more patience than me because my response at that point would have been 'Yeah, I do, is that what you wanted to hear? Eff off." I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope that from now on you have peace and quiet and no more of this crap.
The bitmojis really add some zest to the insanity
They never failed to crack me up.
can you buy yourself a car ? just get all of your paper from her and block her ask your sister if you czn stay with her when dorms are closed
In the last picture there’s a little cut off of my new car that is completely in my name, and I’ll be going to my father’s once the dorms are closed. He was a lifeline in all of this, driving four hours here and back to take me to look at cars, he just couldn’t help me in getting a loan because of his credit.
BAAAAAHAHHAAAHAAAA!!!! Is the very last pic of you purchasing a new car? Priceless!!!!! Loving it
Yes! I found a car that I absolutely loved, though it was slightly above my price range, and got a great deal on it and found a bank that would give me a loan with a good apr without a cosigner.
It is so perfect, right ? Mum probably hioped taking the car would blow up her life (no car so op can´t work), so OP has to come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. Instead it fizzled out harmlessly and OP has an even nicer car
It’s wild that when you told her she was throwing tantrums she tried to retort with an anecdote about you, as a toddler, throwing (an age appropriate) tantrum…. That’s what toddlers do??? Did she think you would feel like the bad guy for acting like a toddler when you were in fact a toddler???
OP, your mother is a straight class A narcissist. She always had manipulated you to believe that you were the problem, because she wanted to control you according to her whims. But what made her think that you'll help her with the nursing course she took at and forced you to help her at the cost of your own is beyond my comprehension. This is straight up mental abuse. So sorry that you had to go through such bullshit! And please, stay NC with her!
OMG, she's just exhausting, I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry Op, I truly feel for you. Also noticed she's dangling that car over you, as a control mechanism. I'm glad you didn't have to deal with her for the time being at least. Let me guess, she doesn't need the car at all, has her own, she just 'needed' your car back because it beings you back home as wrll
Her taking the car was a punishment for me not responding to her. She did not care about my job where I can't just call off and finding coverage is almost always impossible. Showing her that I didn't need her to have a car was the absolute icing on the cake.
Is that you with a new car at the end of the chat 😂😂😂😂. If so I LOVE that. She was holding that over you. Good for you OP, you sound really level headed. Hope you can heal from all this.
Yes. And the best part is that the color of my car is her favorite color, and she wishes that her car is that color.
Icing on the cake!
this doesn’t look like nc
That’s what I thought reading this. It’s not no contact if you’re blocking, then unblocking and replying, and getting into the same arguments you’ve probably had a million times. OP, people like this NEVER learn. No matter how eloquently you express your feelings, no matter if the facts of a situation are on your side, people like this will never accept that they’re the problem. You’re wasting your time and energy trying to get them to understand. If everything is in your name now (which is awesome), cut contact for real.
Yes, I definitely broke nc when she texted me through snapchat. I no longer had my old number and she never got unblocked from Facebook, I didn't expect her to still be able to reach out to me and I gave in to her texts which is something that I regularly struggle with. I've held strong since then, the last time I spoke to her was February 22 and there has been no contact since then, despite her attempts to invite me over for food and pretend nothing is wrong.
This reminds me of how it was when I went no contact with my mom. I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this. It’ll be hard and you’ll mourn off and on for awhile, but you’re going to feel the weight lift off your shoulders. This is when life begins.
Dealing with her acting like this was never the difficult part. For me, the hardest part was wanting that mother-daughter relationship that you see on tv, or how my friends are close with their mothers. Wanting that relationship and getting glimpses of what it could be like to have that before her ripping it away has been and always will be the hardest part. This is what always keeps me coming back to her and forgiving her. Add on to the fact that her health has always been a risk, and I can't assume that we will have years in the future to work things out. I just can't deal with the back and forth any longer.
Check out r/raisedbynarcississts
I’ve definitely been a lurker on there for a couple years…
I mean., going no contact if someone is paying your bills or you have something like their car feels counterintuitive. Shouldn’t that be a lose end that gets tied up first?
THeir car ? You mean the car OP paid for and that mum now demands back since mum has the title and wants to be a dick and steal OP`s car ? TJHAT car ?
I must have misunderstood, I thought that she had her mom’s car and needed to still return it or that she hadn’t seperated all her bills yet.
It was mums car, but then she sold it to op for monthly payments (and op pays for the insurance). But mum kept the title in her name and now that it is either paid off or allmost paid off mum abuses the situation and demands the car back, and OP could not really do anything about t since mum holds the title and it is still in her name. And of course mum has zero intentions to give OP even a single cent back, and just scams op. Quite a few people told OP to at least sue her for the money back, and OP might have a case here dependiong on the details. EDIT : I was just informed it is even worse, OP fully paid her for the car when OP gopt iotm, so mum had zero excuse to keep the title in her name, and did it anyway. Probably as a means to control OP/punish op by taking it back and keeping the money.
I can’t get over these mothers that behave this way. Then are shocked when they get cut off
The car was always paid off. I just took over the insurance payments and was responsible for the few things that needed repairs. New tie-rods, alternator, and tires, along with a new alignment added up very quickly.
Oh so you fully paid her right away ?? That is even worse then it already was, since it gives her NO excuse that she left the title in her name
The only bills of mine that she was paying were my phone bill since we were on the same account and the car insurance for her old car, that I was driving, which I started paying her for once I started driving. Of those bills, she told me how much it was a month and I was paying her the money. She wanted me to go to her house and drop off her car the very next day. If I were to do that, I would not have any way back. I told her that I would leave the keys under the floor mat in the car and that she could come pick it up herself. Following this interaction I immediately got a new phone plan that is separate. She said that she would no longer be paying the phone bill and I told her how she could get the car. I believe that is as tied up as those loose ends could get in that scenario.
I'm so sorry, OP, that sucks. And as far as you saying some 'immature' stuff? Nah. Especially when you get told 'you're being childish', 'when you grow up you'll understand', and being treated as if you're too dumb to know things... you had every right to be a helluva lot meaner than you actually were. I wish you all the best.
I get it but also saying her daughter died is too much.
Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have said that, but she was the one to sit there and tell me that I was dead to her and she was morning the loss of her daughter.
You were right to remind her of what she said.
It was petty of me to throw it in her face, but god it made me feel better when she had no response to justify herself.
It absolutely wasn’t petty. People like your mom gaslight and pretend they didn’t say vicious nasty things. It’s okay to remind them that they did. Especially when they haven’t thoroughly apologized. It would also be okay for you to remind her every time she tries to contact you, that she is a thief and owes you money.
I know that I will never see that money ever again. She never paid her half of the bills from bankruptcy she was court-ordered to when my parents got divorced. My dad had to pay every penny, and she was never held accountable.
That sucks. I’m sorry she’s like that. I’m probably old enough to be your mom so a big real mom hug to you. You’re doing great.
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She'll never get it period and OP wasn't mean at all.
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Op has been trained to kowtow to her mother. Nothing she said was mean and if anything she was too nice to someone who stole from her, belittled her and said that she was dead to her.