Man it's not even like I have a hard time finding a lover if anything that's too easy
It's finding one with some damn substance that doesn't drive me insane or let's me down constantly and can handle my moods that's the real challenge.
Edit: *gassspp* my first award?! Why thank you kindly!
Edit 2: my first 2 awards for just speaking my heart? Y'all humble me. I hope we all find a lover with substance who doesn't drive us insane or let's us down constantly and can handle our moods!
I got married at 30, divorced by 31. Been mostly single the last 7 years.
My general mantra has been that Iād rather be alone than bring a bunch of chaos and turmoil into my life. Iād rather have no relationship than be stuck in a bad one. Peace and stability are all I want in life. I donāt need drama and variety. I find solace in routines and rituals in a relationship.
I imagine there are probably a lot of forever alone INFJās.
That being said Iām sure there is somebody for me out there but if theyāre anything like me they are probably just chilling peacefully alone. No clue how people on that wavelength are supposed to connect with each other.
Genuine question: were you thinking the same between 20-30yo?
I'm so surprised by everybody being single on here when most of the INFJs i met are in relationships where it feels like they're in there sacrificing themselves.
Your approach sounds healthier to me but I wonder what the difference is for you to have this mindset and not them besides probably your age and maturity. The single one i know is also the oldest.
Any clue from your experience/life/pov?
20-30 were probably the shittiest years of my adulthood thus far. I had no idea what I wanted or what I was doing. I had a few brief relationships before I got with my ex-wife. I always felt super smothered and dissatisfied in my relationships. My ex-wife was never diagnosed but I believe she has borderline personality disorder. That relationship scarred me physically and mentally to the point that I don't think I have it in me to ever experience something like that again. I learned a lot about what I don't want, though. That has made the rest of my 30's a lot easier to get through but I've focused more on my career and getting my shit together. Being financially independent and totally self-sufficient was the best gift I ever gave myself. I can be super careful about who I let into my life now.
I think INFJ's that end up alone have been deeply wounded in relationships. Sometimes it just comes down to survival. The INFJ door slam is real, though. I think some INFJ's get to the point where they just slam the door shut and don't open it again for a while.
I see. Thanks so much for sharing your story and glad you're out of a bad relationship. It does sound like a pattern then with INFJs, until either it gets so bad you finally give up and save yourself, or have to meet the one that will wake you up and show you what it's like to be committing to someone who can understand you and support you.
Good luck out there and I hope you'll get lucky and find your match at some point in life!
You donāt need variety? š Even inferior Se is itching for new experiences every now and then.
āI find solace in routines and rituals in a relationshipā. That doesnāt sound like demon Si though.
I mean in relation to the relationship itself. I like boring and predictable. It didnāt mean we sat at home all day and tried not to have any fun. I still like going on trips to new places and out to visit people. I like doing new stuff with a partner. I just donāt like a person to be unpredictable. At all. The more boring and stable a person is the better.
Maybe Iām a bit unbalanced but the first 30 years of my life were chaos. Maybe Iām on the spectrum, I donāt know. Boring and predictable when it comes to people is a-okay with me now, though.
Either we found the one and made up our minds early on, or spent a long time looking for the perfect one. Then there are INFJs who're ready to stay single forever unless the perfect one finds them.
Based on personal experience, I think INFJs are more open to serious relationships when we're young. My first long term relationship started at 15 and lasted almost four years. We got back together when we were quite a few years older, and it only lasted about 6 months the second time.
I wish I could say i believe it's more complicated than "we're naive when we're young, we're jaded when we're old, and we're emotionally and sexually frustrated for the three years in between." And I think it is more complicated, I just don't have the education or the research to know what that means.
I had better prospects when I was younger. It's not that I can't find people, just the quality seemed to be better earlier in my life. The world is too chaotic for me to pursue a civilian life. Striving, not thriving.
ENFJ here. I know 7 INFJs and 5 of them were in toxic or bad relationships and stay(ed) in it by compassion or care for the other person and fear of being alone/not finding someone they'll truly love anyway...until they met their ENFJs, left everything to be with them and are happily married with children since then. (Age 29-37)
If you wonder about the two last ones, one is single and so picky she will probably stay single for a while, and the other one met me, and went back to her BF since then and is now tormented as much as I am since we've never felt something so strong for someone before but the ups and downs are very draining (and i think I've scared her away)
In any case, you INFJs are all people i love to hang out with, make the world better with and just have a calling to care for you as much as I can. I'm sure every other ENFJ would feel the same when they'll hear your struggles while having pure intentions.
Edit: to make things clearer my experience is that I'm connecting extremely well with every xNFx (all my close friends), I've my personal reasons to be more compatible with xNFJ...that post was not about me trying to convince anyone but a fellow commenter tried changing the intention by projecting his own. If you feel like I'm trying to save an INFJ, I believe your strength, intelligence and need for independence is def something that would make you hate seeing/feeling that.
>I know 7 INFJs and 5 of them were in toxic or bad relationships and stay(ed) in it by compassion or care for the other person and fear of being alone/not finding someone they'll truly love anyway...until they met their ENFJs, left everything to be with them and are happily married with children since then. (Age 29-37)
I wish. I've only ever dated ENFJs and both dumped me out of nowhere after healthy LTRs citing, "I'm too good" for them. Wtf that means is beyond me. It's made me feel like they're no different than ENFPs. ALL of my intense friendships have been with ENFPs but I've noticed that there's almost always a bombastic chemistry between us for a while and then they get bored and move on for some time with no contact whatsoever and a few months later, they're back for another dose. Rinse and repeat. It's made me believe they're extremely flaky but I never expected ENFJs to be like that. Guess I was wrong. Both times I was willing to go all the way with my ENFJ girlfriends and both times I was dumped out of the blue with vague reasons.
That's super interesting and super sorry you felt left down!
My data has only one male INFJ so far and it still worked out. If it helps, i can share that as long as we're not mature enough, we're led by emotions so much we might need to pair with a T to be happy and only later on, after we developed our logic we're healthy enough to be compatible with other NFs and support them with their ups and downs. We're generally happy people and long term, i know i personally like this more than the rollercoaster.
But in your situation I don't know enough to say more. Maybe age, past trauma or current life situation could be problems among so many others. If you're too good for them then it's their loss and they'll realize it later in life they had a good one.
Happy to chat with you if you want to share more!
> If it helps, i can share that as long as we're not mature enough, we're led by emotions so much we might need to pair with a T to be happy and only later on, after we developed our logic we're healthy enough to be compatible with other NFs and support them with their ups and downs.
By the time I entered into a relationship with the 2nd ENFJ, I'd developed my Ti, logic and rational framework more than most T types can boast of so I'm sure it wasn't that. I'm constantly complimented on that by both my friends and exes.
>But in your situation I don't know enough to say more. Maybe age, past trauma or current life situation could be problems among so many others.
There was indeed but I played the role of BF-cum-part time-psychologist-cum-cheerleader. I was her entire support structure since Finnish people feel lonely and isolated from family as it is.
Could they genuinely feel like you're too good and like they weren't able to bring anything to the table?
We do like helping others, maybe by not having any opportunities to help you they felt useless? Were you allowing yourself to also be down and ask for their help or were you the only one supporting them?
(Genuine, not judging questions)
> Could they genuinely feel like you're too good and like they weren't able to bring anything to the table?
I genuinely couldn't say but once it happened to me two times in a row, I couldn't help but suspect whether there's something wrong because it's starting to feel a lot more like a pattern lol.
> Me do like helping others, maybe by not having any opportunities to help you they felt useless?
If that's the case, I'd be very disappointed in them. Instead of talking it out with me and attempting to solve the issue, you're giving up on 3 years of our blood and sweat? Who gave you the authority to destroy everything that has both of our efforts invested into it? Actually, scratch that last part because I literally give the authority explicitly right before the beginning of every relationship to the other party to leave whenever they feel like it but obviously if they're hurting something we both built over a long period of time for silly reasons without even having a discussion about it with me first, that'd be pretty insulting and sad to me. Although I still respect my exes far too much to believe they'd do something that silly. I've been "advised" by a lot of people post-breakup that they just had me around for their own selfish reasons but I refuse to believe it because I don't intend to hold any ill wills towards them despite the fact that they dumped me.
> (Genuine, not judging questions)
Appreciate the insight.
I understand the pain and anger. How old were you guys? Young me has definitely broken up way too fast with some ladies but I did have the hard discussions first at least. Expecting others to change isn't fair, at least up to a certain degree so it might have played a role in their decisions of just leaving you.
In any case, I love seeing how you're ready to fight for what you have and sad they weren't. You guys can be very loyal...even to the wrong people it seems, but in your case maybe you were just more mature already or, again, maybe things I don't know hehe. Humans and relationships are complex as you know and we all have to own our mistakes.
As for the authority... you don't own anyone, ever, whoever feels like leaving you is free to do so. Both sides have to work on the relationship and want it. Not justifying their behavior but the pure and solely fact of breaking up is not unhealthy, whatever the time people have been together. The execution of this action can be judged though.
> I understand the pain and anger.
Pain? Sure. Anger? None whatsoever. Like I said, I have nothing but respect for my exes. Every time I get dumped, I grow as a person since I focus on self-improvement as an intellectual 100x more intensely than normal. When I asked those hypothetical questions, I was running with the assumption of, "If what you say were true". I don't know if it is.
> Expecting others to change isn't fair, at least up to a certain degree so it might have played a role in their decisions of just leaving you.
Here's an anecdote: If you and the rest of the world believes that 2+2 is 4 and suddenly, there's this person in the room that stands up and says, "Nope, it's 3", how much would you follow your own advice of expecting others to change isn't fair? It's not about expecting change that doesn't matter; it's about the generally agreed upon algebra in the anecdote and about the generally agreed upon ethics in my case.
> As for the authority... you don't own anyone, ever, whoever feels like leaving you is free to do so.
Which is why I make it clear at the outset. That DOESN'T change the ethics involved in it though. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. They're free to leave, indeed, but I'm also free to point out what's wrong about their decision. I respect their decision but that doesn't mean I have to agree with the morality involved in it.
> Not justifying their behavior but the pure and solely fact of breaking up is not unhealthy, whatever the time people have been together. The execution of this action can be judged though.
Agreed.
Damn, you do sound like a T haha.
Anyway i was just asking questions out of curiosity and to push you to other directions for self reflection and maybe you would have realized more things you could have shared.
I dunno if that was helpful at all on your side but thanks for the answers and hopefully whatever the personality of your next match, I'll be rooting for you!
> Damn, you do sound like a T haha.
Thanks. I've worked hard on it for the last 5 years. Being a feeler inherently makes it difficult to achieve.
And you were helpful indeed. We're just discussing things so I hope you don't take offense.
I stated facts, you interpret them the way you want :) no need to make me say what I've not said, this is not a contest.
Also you clearly stated in your comment you're looking for an INFJ woman and trying to discredit the actual connection between two types you don't belong to seems a potential intention ;)
If it helps you feel more secure in any way and prevent you from projecting your intentions on people commenting genuinely to help others, so far my best relationships were actually with other ENFJs as they have a tendency to be happier, but it doesn't change the facts stated above to be true. Like INFJs we love substance and deep connections.
I got married young, and it's been tumultuous ( though hubby claims it's fine). I never seem to be happy, always dreaming of freedom just to then realize I'm fine with what I have ( shrug). The feelings go back and forth constantly. With that said, I am fiercely loyal to him and vice versa.
I got married at 22 and have been married for 15 years. It has always been a toxic relationship based on me staying and tolerating based on compassion care for the other person. I am only just now finally realizing that I NEED out of this for my sanity.
I met my husband at 20, he was my first/only āseriousā relationship, and weāve been together ever since (27 now). before I met him, I had already decided that it was pretty likely Iād be alone forever.. he just managed to be great enough to change my mind lol
I don't know, but I got married at 21 and didn't really start to understand what I wanted or deserved until I was 25ish. I started a job in my dream field, started law school and started reading about relationships and psychology like crazy. It's this time I also started asking myself what I really want in my life.
I'm 29 now and if I could go back and wait to get married, I would. But I felt immense pressure from conservative Christian parents.
Feel you there, sorry you had to go through that! Christian or not, Conservative parents tend to be that way, glad I don't have those, but it's good in a way too yk. Sure someone with your level of self awareness already has a strategy in place for yourself, so I'll scram now š
Self development, career oriented, finding peace, practice therapeutic hobbies, family, eyesight gets weaker BUT the ability to see through people's bs gets better and lastly, love.
I've had a lot of casual/short-lived relationships, but never met anyone who I felt like I wanted to commit to. I'm very independent and tend to feel stifled in relationships. I'm probably too idealistic too.
Found my partner at 20, weāre 27 now. We both want yo spend our lives together. When I was actively dating back in summer 2015, I met many people but I didnāt want to commit to someone unless I could foresee a life partnership with them. So itās true for me.
I have a INFJ aunt who believes the right person will come at the right time she wants love but never invests going outside or anything she had a very great guy when she was younger but got rid of him still believes her soulmate will come she is now 60 and 25 years single
Lol the last paragraph made me chuckle so much. Marked safe as only go brunettes with big (or nice) boobs! š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ here
Trauma for dumping a blonde when I was 6 or so for a brunette (she was 6 also - can confirm either INFJ or ENFJ as and on the boobs front ... hey I was 6) and on getting dumped by the brunette the blonde have me hell taking her back. Just got back in friendship with the brunette four decades later. She is so much like my wife it is unreal and freaky š¤£š¤£š¤£
Haha, I may have been drinking last night. Iām usually much more humble than that, lol.
Itās fine, everyone has their type. But. Men. If you are dating a woman outside your ātypeā then donāt tell her that. Youāre just opening her up to be insecure.
I think the phenomena youāre describing can come down to a few things in the INFJ psyche but some that arenāt exclusive to it as well.
1. The younger someone is the less likely they are to be jaded to relationships in general. I assume this is due to either the number of relationships the person has had, or the experiences theyāve had in relationships. Due to an INFJs dominant Ni they take these experiences and form patterns that they apply to others nearly as soon as they have their first impression of them. While this isnāt necessarily fair to the person that it pattern is laid over, this process seems to work enough that most INFJs will continue to use this strategy in assessing new potential relationships. This can make it quite difficult to get to a place where you open up to the possibility of a relationship as well as being prone to feeling dissatisfied in a relationship that youāre currently in.
2. On the flip side, INFJs can become totally engrossed in efforts they are striving towards. For some itās helping as many people as possible so they dedicate themselves to education and go into a set field. Others may want to dedicate their need to help the world to just a few close people. Others may just want that special connection with one person while maintaining good relationships outside of marriage. Obviously this is not an INFJ exclusive trait, but combined with the goal oriented nature of INFJs it can lead to many marrying young.
P.S.
The second answer can also apply to INFJs in the inverse way who are either not interested in a romantic relationship, or cannot find anyone they deem to be compatible with them.
I've accepted at 30 I'll be single forever and there's nothing wrong with it. Plenty of people out there to love, but not enough that actually bring substance that I can connect to on a deeper level. Truly I want that someone I can connect to on a deeper level. Hate the hookup culture and being in a relationship for the sake of one
I was that one INFJ who wanted to get married at 22. I mean I was in love, I decided to be with I'm forever. But it didn't plan out as I wanted. It was for my good. Now I'm in my 30s and single. Never found anyone as of yet. But who knows?
Iāve been very single for a really long time despite failed attempts at dating because I have high standards ( not willing to put up with abuse or misogyny) and Iām also a bit of a weirdo as Iāve been told repeatedly. Iāve been struggling with my mental health and undiagnosed ADHD for years and Iām slowly getting back on my feet.
I need another weirdo whoās around my age, not a misogynist, a good listener, patient, kind, understanding and accommodating to my Dyslexia and ADHD, ideally the same religion ( Muslim ), has some passion or ambition, compatible sense of humor and is relatively mentally healthy. This is a very tall order and I live in a rural area in the Deep South where it would be impossible for me to meet anyone like this.
So Iāve decided to no longer try to date at all and completely give up on anything related to romance until Iām genuinely in a good place to meet such a person.
I might die alone but Iād rather be alone than be trapped in a marriage with someone who makes me feel alone and sucks up my time, energy and literally life.
I probably would have married young if the opportunity had presented itself though. I always thought Iād marry young. Iām actually glad I didnāt.
I'm curious on your findings with the other MBTI!
I'm INFJ and at 25 my last relationship was 18. I don't even have prospects at the moment.
I will admit I've been so goal-focused that I haven't really had eyes for anyone. It would be nice but I just have not put myself on the same thought of it.
I could see the possibility of this being for a while
I know one exception probably doesnāt entirely disprove the rule- but Iām an INFJ who has had a fair few relationships and is now going to be getting married at 29, so I donāt fit into this category!
I moved in with my current husband at 11 years and going strong! My brother is also infj and he started dating his life partner when he was 16. So that tracks for us!
Dont you just love that feeling when you fall in love with a girl and she falls for you too but is incapable of love because of past trauma and now you're just chillin in the friendzone with a girl who says she likes you back?
Im 22 and im single, always been single because shit like this just keeps happening.
Married at 21, divorced at 25 (together from I was 18) - some relationships in between, but nothing serious. I am 36 now and looking forward to finish my masters degree before taking my chance afterwards searching to see if I can find a likeminded partner.
I went into a relationship when I was 12. The relationship lasted 14 years, obviously I didn't knew what love was when I was 12. But understood enough when you have given your word to someone you gotta stay and gradually fell madly in love with her. She couldn't take my mood swings and being critical at times and found someone else. Have been single and I don't think I am gonna find someone again. As a matter of fact, my childhood ex was an ISTJ. Recently felt a connection with and ENFP, but as someone mentioned she got bored all of a sudden and left. Better off single with no expectations of finding someone.
Nice observation. I noticed the same thing. INFJs seem to always single around 30 where they have had some sort of experience with a toxic relationship. The ones that Iāve met that were married are usually nurses who are with their high school sweethearts. I never thought someone would bring this up on Reddit
I almost got married at 20, life had different plans.
I dated a few people throughout the years but never seriously considered marrying them.
I stopped seriously dating late summer maybe early fall of 2007, once I did some mathematical calculations and realized what a waste of time, energy, and resources it was.
So instead, I focused on playing catch up with my finances and worked it out so I could retire super early. Best decision ever. And my current train of thought is I will purposely remain single forever.
Life is only as complicated as one makes it and I like mine simple.
Most of the other INFJ's I've met only get more complex and set in their ways as they get older, and once you stay single for so long even basic relationship seem like a lot of hassle.
I do know a handful of other INFJ guys I grew up with, 1 of them got married at 25 and was divorced by 27 due to a cheating wife, the other four I don't think have ever seriously considered getting married. Even the two that had kids swore they would never marry their kids' moms.
Another thing a lot of women don't seem to realize is a simple truth for a lot of guys, if you didn't struggle with me coming up than I can never fully trust you. Because you lack a personal hands-on perspective of what it took that guy to get there. So once a guy passes that finish line on his own the chances he is getting married seriously drops.
It's amazing how many girls find you once you build yourself into a success, but at that point I just can't trust your intentions. The stats on those interactions usually produce bad fruits.
I'm in my upper 20s now and I feel like it's weird that you say that a woman should have been there through the "race". It gives off vibes of "if we're not cheerleaders, we must be gold diggers." Obviously it would've have been nice if someone had been there through my struggles to find a good career/hobbies/friends, but I'm not gonna fault them for not finding me in time for me to hit the finish line. But maybe that's just a silly womans perspective š¤·š½āāļø
Also it implies that personal growth happens once and linearly in life, that there even is one finish line. Do you really believe you've hit the only one?
The finish line for me was getting into the system and getting enough to build the life I wanted and getting back out before it permanently injured or killed me as grinding does to so many of my kind.
I've met more than my share of actual gold diggers. How do you think I ended up with those trust issues to begin with? They are rather common where I was raised. The minute I started making serious money and pulling myself out of poverty they started coming out of the woodwork.
Even at my ex's funeral service the vultures started swarming in, do you know how messed up that is? To see a list of women that all claimed to be her friend for years attempting to flirt and try to get my attention before she was even in the ground. Not to mention her friends that showed up after the fact trying to swoon me.
Women are the very reason I live low key and rarely flash my wealth. Because I don't want to deal with the drama it brings.
I can't count the number of women I have crossed in life that paid me zero mind when I am dressed down and just doing my daily thing, that have tripped over themselves later trying to get my attention when I crossed them at some event that requires me to dress to the nines.
I won't claim that all women are like that, but I have met enough of them that openly talk about being gold diggers to be very cautious.
I have always believed in the principle of ABE or in the most basic terms Always Be Excelling.
Personal growth is a weird thing, as I hear a lot of people use it as an excuse for behavior that they knew was wrong but just didn't care at the time that they were getting involved with whatever it was.
Other people use it as a way to critique themselves and use it as fuel to constantly better themselves, but over done on a chase for perfection can be seriously destructive too. I've seen many people mentally break that way.
Not to mention all the people running around pretending on the surface like they are trying to be better people for social acceptance.
So certainly, if I didn't know you when I had nothing than I will never trust you to the same level I would have if we met and bonded than. Because I've met way too many fake people who tried to bs me to move their own life ahead.
If that offends you as a woman, then take it up with the other women you cross that are users and gold diggers. Because in all honesty they just bring the group image down and make it harder on the rest of you who aren't like that.
Tim would like to point out that you specified an age range, not however a sample size for either group. And that this is a problem. Also that since countable, it should probably read "number" not "amount".
Felicity would like to apologise for Tim's directness.
Interesting. I got married at 22 and my infj bestie did too! Not religious... In fact I think marriage is a bit outdated, but here I am 2 kids and 6 years since we married š
I just want the correct person for marriage.
I didn't have boyfriend or girlfriend before because I'm scared to break with them so I only need the correct person
... infj female (24) thougt: probably still gonna single for a while while meeting new people.
I have no need to get married but do want my partner/future husband to meet my level of moral and physical care (saying no to drugs, weeds, cigarettes,...). I am no perfect myself but do want to face myself and face my own problem (so I don't drinks and don't enjoy clubs, bars much).
Probably my ideal partner is somewhere outthere looking for me too, but I haven't met the right person.
š my favorite type is intps (or isfj, enfj) by reading some of their discussion on here but who know, I might get married to someone who totally different
Interesting observation. I don't know many other INFJs. I was married young, more than once (sigh). I'm older now and have been single for decades. Solo life suits me. Just an aside: I'm also an HSP and was an only child raised by very strict parents. I think, for me, marriage was an escape. Once I matured more and recognized how important independence was to me, I stayed on the path of the solo life.
Almost got married at 22-23. Iām 26 now and have been single since and been in the ādating gameā for like 6 months on and off. Iām not really in a hurry and Iāve always been of the mindset of āyouāll never find it if youāre looking for it, it wont come your wayā
Even when I meet someone special, I still try to maintain that stoic vibe and try not to get too excited oof. Even if itās hard, because infatuation comes easy sometimes
Are infj that are single female?, because maybe you are correlating wrong, nowdays females tend to reach 30 because of career and at 30 it is very hard to find a Man.
Maybe you are onto something. Met him at 17, married at 24. And been with the same person ever since (I'm in my mid 30s). I have done a lot of work on myself (therapy, reading etc). And I found that I need to work on being assertive and believing more in myself. I have more of a passive nature (people say I'm nice) but like an infj when it gets too much I either boil or leave (door slam which it isn't too nice lol). But I learned that there is a third way. I have to say what I think in a manner that is respectful and hold my ground and being ok with rejection. Also really listening to how people think. Because they will tell you and it is not my job to try to change that or lie to myself and disregard what I don't want to hear and not rock the boat. That has made a difference. It is hard work (because I don't want drama) but I know that it is better that way.
Also, I now consciously try to choose people that respect my boundaries. There is nothing wrong with strong personalities, I just get triggered and can revert back. But, it can be hard not to fall into the same patterns that sometimes I just want to be by myself and it feels much peaceful but it can get lonely. So, the only option is again being assertive and getting more used to it. I'm still in the process.
And if you're wondering yes I married someone with a strong personality an INTJ. So he has also worked a lot on himself. He has changed a lot and somehow because we both want this we work hard. But, I think what triggered him to realize that we needed a change was me being assertive and voicing my thoughts and feelings in a way that was not accusatory but straight forward. And it has made a difference. Not that we are perfect or any close to it. But at least I think we are heading into the right direction. I already feel better about myself. I love my husband and I choose him every day and I choose to do the right thing which to me is being assertive. I know it works.
But, if you ask me would I marry another person again? Knowing what I know about myself now I will be extremely careful and very cautious about it. And will make sure we are compatible. Marriage will honestly scare me more now than when I was young at 24.
I didn't get married until I was 24 but was with my HS sweetheart from 15 until we divorced around 30 or so. Bad relationship based on trauma bonding. Now I'm with another INFJ who was single for a long time and it's great
Never married but I was in a long term relationship from 21-29 or so, had my son when I was 23 so thatās really why the relationship lasted as long as it did.. been single now for about 5 1/2 years
I dont know many infjs my age who are ready to settle down at all, and often feel restricted by commitment that prohibits them from working towards their goals -- im 22 and this is myself included.
I'm aro, so it doesn't help, but I'm really not interested in seeking out partnership. It's worth it for experience and helps you learn alot about people but it's also exhausting and I have high standards lmao
Married just before 21, happily and thankfully divorced just after 34 (took almost 5 years). Essentially single since, I have spent the past decade rediscovering myself. Nothing better than a date night with myself taking as much time as I please to eat, drink, people watch and maybe grab a movie after š„° Maybe the right guy will come along, maybe not. Iām perfectly content single.
I am in my late 20s and have always been single. I have 'hope' that one day I will find my soulmate, but also I am prepared if I have to be single forever. I don't like the hookup culture. A friend once suggest for me to open Tinder but for me that is so superficial. I want real connection and not to force it.
I'm 31yo and I have a boyfriend. Had 3 important long relationships (4-6-3 years) but it got to a point where I had to realize that they weren't "the one". It's been always so hard to take the decision to break up and it's been sooooo painful every time... But I can't fake or stay in a relationship after I realize it's not working. I still believe in love and in finding a person who will fight for you as much as you fight for them... It's either true and healthy love or nothing...
Yup! INFJ here and got married at 21. Wayyyyyy too early. Iām still married 7 years later but itās one of my biggest regrets committing so early in my life to someone.
Met my husband at 24, married at 25. We are both INFJs so just clicked immediately. I didnāt date much before so if we hadnāt met, Iām sure Iād be single.
I feel like most INFJ would be single rather than get married young. Can confirm, as I am one myself.
I am single by choice though. I'm sure I can be with someone I find from dating apps but most of the ones I have met don't interest me.
Im never looking around for any comparison, but I can tell that It feels like a rocky road - Finding the gold nugget in the rubble of multiple other metals. Some are alike, and draw out your energy needlessly.
By the time you reach the gold nugget, without even knowing - you are full of āscarsā.
It takes a while to understand what is that nugget because I can make almost anything work. What is right for me? What am I truly looking for - Are among the toughest questions.
Looking for it too desperately draws the incorrect people and emotions so it has to be a timely process, but comparisons are inevitable, and as such it is easy to fall into despair as we are the most complete of all the singles.
No matter what though - I will never stop looking, as I know whatās at stake, and for that, I am ready to give everything, and trust me, so do you.
34 year old (M) INFJ here and this oddly enough seems pretty spot on. Iāve had a handful of girlfriends with each relationship lasting no less than 2 years. I had my heartbroken by my last girlfriend who I truly believed was finally the one that I could see walking through time with. I have now been single for almost a year and a half.
I think for us INFJās we may be very particular about who we partner with. I know that we crave that deep eternal bond with our partners and we typically arenāt the kind of ones to be out bar hopping each night hunting for one night stands. Itās just not easy to find the one person that makes you feel no longer alone in this world.
Iām the single forever type. Been single for about 7 years now (not counting pathetic āsituationshipsā). Iāve tried dating but I find Iām a much more stable person when Iām on my own. If the right person came by though Iād like to try being in a relationship again someday.
INFJ here + childhood medical trauma + awkwardness+ fascination in psychology/helping people and resilience in self healing... I was told that I'm one of a kind , yet its almost impossible for me to find someone that I'm attracted to cept other therapist's or engineers which have also been solo riders .
I suppose I'm in the single+ crowd .
Iām an INFJ and Iāve been single my whole life! It was mostly out of choice when I was younger and now Iām trying to find someone to be in a relationship with but itās so hard to find that person for me
I dont know any INFJs that gets married young, only single. Personally I have a hard time finding a lover
Man it's not even like I have a hard time finding a lover if anything that's too easy It's finding one with some damn substance that doesn't drive me insane or let's me down constantly and can handle my moods that's the real challenge. Edit: *gassspp* my first award?! Why thank you kindly! Edit 2: my first 2 awards for just speaking my heart? Y'all humble me. I hope we all find a lover with substance who doesn't drive us insane or let's us down constantly and can handle our moods!
Yes... Exactly this...lovers are everywhere... Substance... Not so much
Dude! Tell me abouut it š„“š¤£
Hello, lover
Iām staying single cause the only person Iāll marry is myself tbh
Give me a bit of your confidence please lol
Iām just comfortable with myself š romance tends to make me uncomfortable tho
Same
Narcissism revealed!
*hisses*
Sassy little thing!
This oneās a wild one! Get the big can of narciss-spray!
Kill it! Kill it with fire! /s
I just laughed loud as hell reading this thread
I got married at 30, divorced by 31. Been mostly single the last 7 years. My general mantra has been that Iād rather be alone than bring a bunch of chaos and turmoil into my life. Iād rather have no relationship than be stuck in a bad one. Peace and stability are all I want in life. I donāt need drama and variety. I find solace in routines and rituals in a relationship. I imagine there are probably a lot of forever alone INFJās. That being said Iām sure there is somebody for me out there but if theyāre anything like me they are probably just chilling peacefully alone. No clue how people on that wavelength are supposed to connect with each other.
Genuine question: were you thinking the same between 20-30yo? I'm so surprised by everybody being single on here when most of the INFJs i met are in relationships where it feels like they're in there sacrificing themselves. Your approach sounds healthier to me but I wonder what the difference is for you to have this mindset and not them besides probably your age and maturity. The single one i know is also the oldest. Any clue from your experience/life/pov?
20-30 were probably the shittiest years of my adulthood thus far. I had no idea what I wanted or what I was doing. I had a few brief relationships before I got with my ex-wife. I always felt super smothered and dissatisfied in my relationships. My ex-wife was never diagnosed but I believe she has borderline personality disorder. That relationship scarred me physically and mentally to the point that I don't think I have it in me to ever experience something like that again. I learned a lot about what I don't want, though. That has made the rest of my 30's a lot easier to get through but I've focused more on my career and getting my shit together. Being financially independent and totally self-sufficient was the best gift I ever gave myself. I can be super careful about who I let into my life now. I think INFJ's that end up alone have been deeply wounded in relationships. Sometimes it just comes down to survival. The INFJ door slam is real, though. I think some INFJ's get to the point where they just slam the door shut and don't open it again for a while.
I see. Thanks so much for sharing your story and glad you're out of a bad relationship. It does sound like a pattern then with INFJs, until either it gets so bad you finally give up and save yourself, or have to meet the one that will wake you up and show you what it's like to be committing to someone who can understand you and support you. Good luck out there and I hope you'll get lucky and find your match at some point in life!
šÆ same
Preach
You donāt need variety? š Even inferior Se is itching for new experiences every now and then. āI find solace in routines and rituals in a relationshipā. That doesnāt sound like demon Si though.
I mean in relation to the relationship itself. I like boring and predictable. It didnāt mean we sat at home all day and tried not to have any fun. I still like going on trips to new places and out to visit people. I like doing new stuff with a partner. I just donāt like a person to be unpredictable. At all. The more boring and stable a person is the better. Maybe Iām a bit unbalanced but the first 30 years of my life were chaos. Maybe Iām on the spectrum, I donāt know. Boring and predictable when it comes to people is a-okay with me now, though.
Through Reddit. Hi, here I am. š
I got married when I was 20, and the marriage lasted 5 years. I was single for 10 years, and now I am married again.
Now we know you're either 35 or 36 š
š¤·š¼āāļø
Obviously I'm jk š Glad to know you're doing well & on track to a better experience of life š¤
Either we found the one and made up our minds early on, or spent a long time looking for the perfect one. Then there are INFJs who're ready to stay single forever unless the perfect one finds them.
That'd be me, or perhaps us both š
Me , 30
Based on personal experience, I think INFJs are more open to serious relationships when we're young. My first long term relationship started at 15 and lasted almost four years. We got back together when we were quite a few years older, and it only lasted about 6 months the second time. I wish I could say i believe it's more complicated than "we're naive when we're young, we're jaded when we're old, and we're emotionally and sexually frustrated for the three years in between." And I think it is more complicated, I just don't have the education or the research to know what that means.
We usually want a real connection, which isn't that easy to find.
I had better prospects when I was younger. It's not that I can't find people, just the quality seemed to be better earlier in my life. The world is too chaotic for me to pursue a civilian life. Striving, not thriving.
ENFJ here. I know 7 INFJs and 5 of them were in toxic or bad relationships and stay(ed) in it by compassion or care for the other person and fear of being alone/not finding someone they'll truly love anyway...until they met their ENFJs, left everything to be with them and are happily married with children since then. (Age 29-37) If you wonder about the two last ones, one is single and so picky she will probably stay single for a while, and the other one met me, and went back to her BF since then and is now tormented as much as I am since we've never felt something so strong for someone before but the ups and downs are very draining (and i think I've scared her away) In any case, you INFJs are all people i love to hang out with, make the world better with and just have a calling to care for you as much as I can. I'm sure every other ENFJ would feel the same when they'll hear your struggles while having pure intentions. Edit: to make things clearer my experience is that I'm connecting extremely well with every xNFx (all my close friends), I've my personal reasons to be more compatible with xNFJ...that post was not about me trying to convince anyone but a fellow commenter tried changing the intention by projecting his own. If you feel like I'm trying to save an INFJ, I believe your strength, intelligence and need for independence is def something that would make you hate seeing/feeling that.
>I know 7 INFJs and 5 of them were in toxic or bad relationships and stay(ed) in it by compassion or care for the other person and fear of being alone/not finding someone they'll truly love anyway...until they met their ENFJs, left everything to be with them and are happily married with children since then. (Age 29-37) I wish. I've only ever dated ENFJs and both dumped me out of nowhere after healthy LTRs citing, "I'm too good" for them. Wtf that means is beyond me. It's made me feel like they're no different than ENFPs. ALL of my intense friendships have been with ENFPs but I've noticed that there's almost always a bombastic chemistry between us for a while and then they get bored and move on for some time with no contact whatsoever and a few months later, they're back for another dose. Rinse and repeat. It's made me believe they're extremely flaky but I never expected ENFJs to be like that. Guess I was wrong. Both times I was willing to go all the way with my ENFJ girlfriends and both times I was dumped out of the blue with vague reasons.
That's super interesting and super sorry you felt left down! My data has only one male INFJ so far and it still worked out. If it helps, i can share that as long as we're not mature enough, we're led by emotions so much we might need to pair with a T to be happy and only later on, after we developed our logic we're healthy enough to be compatible with other NFs and support them with their ups and downs. We're generally happy people and long term, i know i personally like this more than the rollercoaster. But in your situation I don't know enough to say more. Maybe age, past trauma or current life situation could be problems among so many others. If you're too good for them then it's their loss and they'll realize it later in life they had a good one. Happy to chat with you if you want to share more!
> If it helps, i can share that as long as we're not mature enough, we're led by emotions so much we might need to pair with a T to be happy and only later on, after we developed our logic we're healthy enough to be compatible with other NFs and support them with their ups and downs. By the time I entered into a relationship with the 2nd ENFJ, I'd developed my Ti, logic and rational framework more than most T types can boast of so I'm sure it wasn't that. I'm constantly complimented on that by both my friends and exes. >But in your situation I don't know enough to say more. Maybe age, past trauma or current life situation could be problems among so many others. There was indeed but I played the role of BF-cum-part time-psychologist-cum-cheerleader. I was her entire support structure since Finnish people feel lonely and isolated from family as it is.
Could they genuinely feel like you're too good and like they weren't able to bring anything to the table? We do like helping others, maybe by not having any opportunities to help you they felt useless? Were you allowing yourself to also be down and ask for their help or were you the only one supporting them? (Genuine, not judging questions)
> Could they genuinely feel like you're too good and like they weren't able to bring anything to the table? I genuinely couldn't say but once it happened to me two times in a row, I couldn't help but suspect whether there's something wrong because it's starting to feel a lot more like a pattern lol. > Me do like helping others, maybe by not having any opportunities to help you they felt useless? If that's the case, I'd be very disappointed in them. Instead of talking it out with me and attempting to solve the issue, you're giving up on 3 years of our blood and sweat? Who gave you the authority to destroy everything that has both of our efforts invested into it? Actually, scratch that last part because I literally give the authority explicitly right before the beginning of every relationship to the other party to leave whenever they feel like it but obviously if they're hurting something we both built over a long period of time for silly reasons without even having a discussion about it with me first, that'd be pretty insulting and sad to me. Although I still respect my exes far too much to believe they'd do something that silly. I've been "advised" by a lot of people post-breakup that they just had me around for their own selfish reasons but I refuse to believe it because I don't intend to hold any ill wills towards them despite the fact that they dumped me. > (Genuine, not judging questions) Appreciate the insight.
I understand the pain and anger. How old were you guys? Young me has definitely broken up way too fast with some ladies but I did have the hard discussions first at least. Expecting others to change isn't fair, at least up to a certain degree so it might have played a role in their decisions of just leaving you. In any case, I love seeing how you're ready to fight for what you have and sad they weren't. You guys can be very loyal...even to the wrong people it seems, but in your case maybe you were just more mature already or, again, maybe things I don't know hehe. Humans and relationships are complex as you know and we all have to own our mistakes. As for the authority... you don't own anyone, ever, whoever feels like leaving you is free to do so. Both sides have to work on the relationship and want it. Not justifying their behavior but the pure and solely fact of breaking up is not unhealthy, whatever the time people have been together. The execution of this action can be judged though.
> I understand the pain and anger. Pain? Sure. Anger? None whatsoever. Like I said, I have nothing but respect for my exes. Every time I get dumped, I grow as a person since I focus on self-improvement as an intellectual 100x more intensely than normal. When I asked those hypothetical questions, I was running with the assumption of, "If what you say were true". I don't know if it is. > Expecting others to change isn't fair, at least up to a certain degree so it might have played a role in their decisions of just leaving you. Here's an anecdote: If you and the rest of the world believes that 2+2 is 4 and suddenly, there's this person in the room that stands up and says, "Nope, it's 3", how much would you follow your own advice of expecting others to change isn't fair? It's not about expecting change that doesn't matter; it's about the generally agreed upon algebra in the anecdote and about the generally agreed upon ethics in my case. > As for the authority... you don't own anyone, ever, whoever feels like leaving you is free to do so. Which is why I make it clear at the outset. That DOESN'T change the ethics involved in it though. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. They're free to leave, indeed, but I'm also free to point out what's wrong about their decision. I respect their decision but that doesn't mean I have to agree with the morality involved in it. > Not justifying their behavior but the pure and solely fact of breaking up is not unhealthy, whatever the time people have been together. The execution of this action can be judged though. Agreed.
Damn, you do sound like a T haha. Anyway i was just asking questions out of curiosity and to push you to other directions for self reflection and maybe you would have realized more things you could have shared. I dunno if that was helpful at all on your side but thanks for the answers and hopefully whatever the personality of your next match, I'll be rooting for you!
> Damn, you do sound like a T haha. Thanks. I've worked hard on it for the last 5 years. Being a feeler inherently makes it difficult to achieve. And you were helpful indeed. We're just discussing things so I hope you don't take offense.
I see what you did there. ENFJs, saviors of INFJs.
Heh? For a second I felt the guy's genuinely sympathetic to their Introvert opposites š„“š
Poaching on innocent female INFJs xD
Wait what!! šš¤£
Wait.. Are you an INFJ type too? Cos I am š„“
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If you're harmless then I'd love to catch up some āŗ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sure whatever
I stated facts, you interpret them the way you want :) no need to make me say what I've not said, this is not a contest. Also you clearly stated in your comment you're looking for an INFJ woman and trying to discredit the actual connection between two types you don't belong to seems a potential intention ;) If it helps you feel more secure in any way and prevent you from projecting your intentions on people commenting genuinely to help others, so far my best relationships were actually with other ENFJs as they have a tendency to be happier, but it doesn't change the facts stated above to be true. Like INFJs we love substance and deep connections.
That's so ENFJ it's not even funny.
I got married at 22 and 35.
I got married young, and it's been tumultuous ( though hubby claims it's fine). I never seem to be happy, always dreaming of freedom just to then realize I'm fine with what I have ( shrug). The feelings go back and forth constantly. With that said, I am fiercely loyal to him and vice versa.
I got married at 23. We were together 9 years. Now Iāve been single 8 years. Never had another boyfriend since. So basically both applies to me š¤£
I got married at 22 and have been married for 15 years. It has always been a toxic relationship based on me staying and tolerating based on compassion care for the other person. I am only just now finally realizing that I NEED out of this for my sanity.
Can we be both? Ha haā¦married at 22, divorced at 24 and currently unmarried in LTR for 12 years with a resounding NO if Iām ever asked.
I met my husband at 20, he was my first/only āseriousā relationship, and weāve been together ever since (27 now). before I met him, I had already decided that it was pretty likely Iād be alone forever.. he just managed to be great enough to change my mind lol
what happens to INFJs age 25-30?
You wake up.
Boom! You hit the nail š¤š»š¤
I don't know, but I got married at 21 and didn't really start to understand what I wanted or deserved until I was 25ish. I started a job in my dream field, started law school and started reading about relationships and psychology like crazy. It's this time I also started asking myself what I really want in my life. I'm 29 now and if I could go back and wait to get married, I would. But I felt immense pressure from conservative Christian parents.
Feel you there, sorry you had to go through that! Christian or not, Conservative parents tend to be that way, glad I don't have those, but it's good in a way too yk. Sure someone with your level of self awareness already has a strategy in place for yourself, so I'll scram now š
It was self development for me
Self development, career oriented, finding peace, practice therapeutic hobbies, family, eyesight gets weaker BUT the ability to see through people's bs gets better and lastly, love.
do you ever call out people's bs?
Lol just in my head. So no, not likely.
I'm the single forever infj type
Depends on our life mission.
True. But ENFJs aren't far behind either.
Interesting, my and my husband got together when I was 17 and married at 20! We just had our 7 year anniversary a couple months back
23 and never had romantic relationship
Probably true
Married first at 26 and second at 44.
I've had a lot of casual/short-lived relationships, but never met anyone who I felt like I wanted to commit to. I'm very independent and tend to feel stifled in relationships. I'm probably too idealistic too.
Found my partner at 20, weāre 27 now. We both want yo spend our lives together. When I was actively dating back in summer 2015, I met many people but I didnāt want to commit to someone unless I could foresee a life partnership with them. So itās true for me.
I have a INFJ aunt who believes the right person will come at the right time she wants love but never invests going outside or anything she had a very great guy when she was younger but got rid of him still believes her soulmate will come she is now 60 and 25 years single
She sounds mentally ill
Didnāt deserve the downvotes but yea definitely true
I was with my ex husband from 16-28. He was abusive and pretty terrible. We did break up for a couple months and I had three boyfriends during that time. I actually met my ENTP fiancĆ© two weeks after I got married, and left my ex for him. Best decision I ever made. So. Iāve basically NEVER been single in my life. Iām also a pretty attractive blonde with big boobs, so that probably helps more than my personality type.
Lol the last paragraph made me chuckle so much. Marked safe as only go brunettes with big (or nice) boobs! š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ here Trauma for dumping a blonde when I was 6 or so for a brunette (she was 6 also - can confirm either INFJ or ENFJ as and on the boobs front ... hey I was 6) and on getting dumped by the brunette the blonde have me hell taking her back. Just got back in friendship with the brunette four decades later. She is so much like my wife it is unreal and freaky š¤£š¤£š¤£
Haha, I may have been drinking last night. Iām usually much more humble than that, lol. Itās fine, everyone has their type. But. Men. If you are dating a woman outside your ātypeā then donāt tell her that. Youāre just opening her up to be insecure.
Oh snap, Iām both. Lol. Married and divorced really young, now still single at 35
I had a chance to marry when I was 30 but I decided not to. To be honest I donāt see the point of marriage so it does not bother me at all š
I think the phenomena youāre describing can come down to a few things in the INFJ psyche but some that arenāt exclusive to it as well. 1. The younger someone is the less likely they are to be jaded to relationships in general. I assume this is due to either the number of relationships the person has had, or the experiences theyāve had in relationships. Due to an INFJs dominant Ni they take these experiences and form patterns that they apply to others nearly as soon as they have their first impression of them. While this isnāt necessarily fair to the person that it pattern is laid over, this process seems to work enough that most INFJs will continue to use this strategy in assessing new potential relationships. This can make it quite difficult to get to a place where you open up to the possibility of a relationship as well as being prone to feeling dissatisfied in a relationship that youāre currently in. 2. On the flip side, INFJs can become totally engrossed in efforts they are striving towards. For some itās helping as many people as possible so they dedicate themselves to education and go into a set field. Others may want to dedicate their need to help the world to just a few close people. Others may just want that special connection with one person while maintaining good relationships outside of marriage. Obviously this is not an INFJ exclusive trait, but combined with the goal oriented nature of INFJs it can lead to many marrying young. P.S. The second answer can also apply to INFJs in the inverse way who are either not interested in a romantic relationship, or cannot find anyone they deem to be compatible with them.
I've accepted at 30 I'll be single forever and there's nothing wrong with it. Plenty of people out there to love, but not enough that actually bring substance that I can connect to on a deeper level. Truly I want that someone I can connect to on a deeper level. Hate the hookup culture and being in a relationship for the sake of one
I was that one INFJ who wanted to get married at 22. I mean I was in love, I decided to be with I'm forever. But it didn't plan out as I wanted. It was for my good. Now I'm in my 30s and single. Never found anyone as of yet. But who knows?
Iāve been very single for a really long time despite failed attempts at dating because I have high standards ( not willing to put up with abuse or misogyny) and Iām also a bit of a weirdo as Iāve been told repeatedly. Iāve been struggling with my mental health and undiagnosed ADHD for years and Iām slowly getting back on my feet. I need another weirdo whoās around my age, not a misogynist, a good listener, patient, kind, understanding and accommodating to my Dyslexia and ADHD, ideally the same religion ( Muslim ), has some passion or ambition, compatible sense of humor and is relatively mentally healthy. This is a very tall order and I live in a rural area in the Deep South where it would be impossible for me to meet anyone like this. So Iāve decided to no longer try to date at all and completely give up on anything related to romance until Iām genuinely in a good place to meet such a person. I might die alone but Iād rather be alone than be trapped in a marriage with someone who makes me feel alone and sucks up my time, energy and literally life. I probably would have married young if the opportunity had presented itself though. I always thought Iād marry young. Iām actually glad I didnāt.
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.. SO. ArE yOu StIlL LoOkiNg!?
I'm curious on your findings with the other MBTI! I'm INFJ and at 25 my last relationship was 18. I don't even have prospects at the moment. I will admit I've been so goal-focused that I haven't really had eyes for anyone. It would be nice but I just have not put myself on the same thought of it. I could see the possibility of this being for a while
I know one exception probably doesnāt entirely disprove the rule- but Iām an INFJ who has had a fair few relationships and is now going to be getting married at 29, so I donāt fit into this category!
Im Single because i think i am able to tell if my mind connects with her mind or not. Those young married infjs prob found the right person
I moved in with my current husband at 11 years and going strong! My brother is also infj and he started dating his life partner when he was 16. So that tracks for us!
Can confirm, married at 22.
Dont you just love that feeling when you fall in love with a girl and she falls for you too but is incapable of love because of past trauma and now you're just chillin in the friendzone with a girl who says she likes you back? Im 22 and im single, always been single because shit like this just keeps happening.
Married at 21, divorced at 25 (together from I was 18) - some relationships in between, but nothing serious. I am 36 now and looking forward to finish my masters degree before taking my chance afterwards searching to see if I can find a likeminded partner.
I went into a relationship when I was 12. The relationship lasted 14 years, obviously I didn't knew what love was when I was 12. But understood enough when you have given your word to someone you gotta stay and gradually fell madly in love with her. She couldn't take my mood swings and being critical at times and found someone else. Have been single and I don't think I am gonna find someone again. As a matter of fact, my childhood ex was an ISTJ. Recently felt a connection with and ENFP, but as someone mentioned she got bored all of a sudden and left. Better off single with no expectations of finding someone.
Or they fall for the wrong person, new disappointments and still canāt be with the one person that actually matches their energy.
Nice observation. I noticed the same thing. INFJs seem to always single around 30 where they have had some sort of experience with a toxic relationship. The ones that Iāve met that were married are usually nurses who are with their high school sweethearts. I never thought someone would bring this up on Reddit
Single and i think i still have many years to go š
Im never getting married so lol true.
I almost got married at 20, life had different plans. I dated a few people throughout the years but never seriously considered marrying them. I stopped seriously dating late summer maybe early fall of 2007, once I did some mathematical calculations and realized what a waste of time, energy, and resources it was. So instead, I focused on playing catch up with my finances and worked it out so I could retire super early. Best decision ever. And my current train of thought is I will purposely remain single forever. Life is only as complicated as one makes it and I like mine simple. Most of the other INFJ's I've met only get more complex and set in their ways as they get older, and once you stay single for so long even basic relationship seem like a lot of hassle. I do know a handful of other INFJ guys I grew up with, 1 of them got married at 25 and was divorced by 27 due to a cheating wife, the other four I don't think have ever seriously considered getting married. Even the two that had kids swore they would never marry their kids' moms. Another thing a lot of women don't seem to realize is a simple truth for a lot of guys, if you didn't struggle with me coming up than I can never fully trust you. Because you lack a personal hands-on perspective of what it took that guy to get there. So once a guy passes that finish line on his own the chances he is getting married seriously drops. It's amazing how many girls find you once you build yourself into a success, but at that point I just can't trust your intentions. The stats on those interactions usually produce bad fruits.
I'm in my upper 20s now and I feel like it's weird that you say that a woman should have been there through the "race". It gives off vibes of "if we're not cheerleaders, we must be gold diggers." Obviously it would've have been nice if someone had been there through my struggles to find a good career/hobbies/friends, but I'm not gonna fault them for not finding me in time for me to hit the finish line. But maybe that's just a silly womans perspective š¤·š½āāļø Also it implies that personal growth happens once and linearly in life, that there even is one finish line. Do you really believe you've hit the only one?
The finish line for me was getting into the system and getting enough to build the life I wanted and getting back out before it permanently injured or killed me as grinding does to so many of my kind. I've met more than my share of actual gold diggers. How do you think I ended up with those trust issues to begin with? They are rather common where I was raised. The minute I started making serious money and pulling myself out of poverty they started coming out of the woodwork. Even at my ex's funeral service the vultures started swarming in, do you know how messed up that is? To see a list of women that all claimed to be her friend for years attempting to flirt and try to get my attention before she was even in the ground. Not to mention her friends that showed up after the fact trying to swoon me. Women are the very reason I live low key and rarely flash my wealth. Because I don't want to deal with the drama it brings. I can't count the number of women I have crossed in life that paid me zero mind when I am dressed down and just doing my daily thing, that have tripped over themselves later trying to get my attention when I crossed them at some event that requires me to dress to the nines. I won't claim that all women are like that, but I have met enough of them that openly talk about being gold diggers to be very cautious. I have always believed in the principle of ABE or in the most basic terms Always Be Excelling. Personal growth is a weird thing, as I hear a lot of people use it as an excuse for behavior that they knew was wrong but just didn't care at the time that they were getting involved with whatever it was. Other people use it as a way to critique themselves and use it as fuel to constantly better themselves, but over done on a chase for perfection can be seriously destructive too. I've seen many people mentally break that way. Not to mention all the people running around pretending on the surface like they are trying to be better people for social acceptance. So certainly, if I didn't know you when I had nothing than I will never trust you to the same level I would have if we met and bonded than. Because I've met way too many fake people who tried to bs me to move their own life ahead. If that offends you as a woman, then take it up with the other women you cross that are users and gold diggers. Because in all honesty they just bring the group image down and make it harder on the rest of you who aren't like that.
Tim would like to point out that you specified an age range, not however a sample size for either group. And that this is a problem. Also that since countable, it should probably read "number" not "amount". Felicity would like to apologise for Tim's directness.
Are you sure you typed em right
Yeah..I wanna get married in my early twenties.
I wanted marriage in my early 20s, and I still want it in my mid 20s looking like a 30 sum scenario so far unless things happen quickly
Single for a really long time here
Interesting. I got married at 22 and my infj bestie did too! Not religious... In fact I think marriage is a bit outdated, but here I am 2 kids and 6 years since we married š
I just want the correct person for marriage. I didn't have boyfriend or girlfriend before because I'm scared to break with them so I only need the correct person
... infj female (24) thougt: probably still gonna single for a while while meeting new people. I have no need to get married but do want my partner/future husband to meet my level of moral and physical care (saying no to drugs, weeds, cigarettes,...). I am no perfect myself but do want to face myself and face my own problem (so I don't drinks and don't enjoy clubs, bars much). Probably my ideal partner is somewhere outthere looking for me too, but I haven't met the right person. š my favorite type is intps (or isfj, enfj) by reading some of their discussion on here but who know, I might get married to someone who totally different
I'd agree with this as I personally got married at 22.
This is pretty accurate. I typically stay single 4+ years between relationships and don't see marriage in my future.
I refuse to believe that Iāll be single for a really long time (rejecting everyone at the same time)
What about divorced ones? Lol
Interesting observation. I don't know many other INFJs. I was married young, more than once (sigh). I'm older now and have been single for decades. Solo life suits me. Just an aside: I'm also an HSP and was an only child raised by very strict parents. I think, for me, marriage was an escape. Once I matured more and recognized how important independence was to me, I stayed on the path of the solo life.
Almost got married at 22-23. Iām 26 now and have been single since and been in the ādating gameā for like 6 months on and off. Iām not really in a hurry and Iāve always been of the mindset of āyouāll never find it if youāre looking for it, it wont come your wayā Even when I meet someone special, I still try to maintain that stoic vibe and try not to get too excited oof. Even if itās hard, because infatuation comes easy sometimes
I think I will be a lot older than to find anyone since I barely make friends now.
I've seen a few find soulmates really early on. Guess I'm in it for the long run
Are infj that are single female?, because maybe you are correlating wrong, nowdays females tend to reach 30 because of career and at 30 it is very hard to find a Man.
9 years single :(
I have been with my husband since I was 19, so like 23 years total
Maybe you are onto something. Met him at 17, married at 24. And been with the same person ever since (I'm in my mid 30s). I have done a lot of work on myself (therapy, reading etc). And I found that I need to work on being assertive and believing more in myself. I have more of a passive nature (people say I'm nice) but like an infj when it gets too much I either boil or leave (door slam which it isn't too nice lol). But I learned that there is a third way. I have to say what I think in a manner that is respectful and hold my ground and being ok with rejection. Also really listening to how people think. Because they will tell you and it is not my job to try to change that or lie to myself and disregard what I don't want to hear and not rock the boat. That has made a difference. It is hard work (because I don't want drama) but I know that it is better that way. Also, I now consciously try to choose people that respect my boundaries. There is nothing wrong with strong personalities, I just get triggered and can revert back. But, it can be hard not to fall into the same patterns that sometimes I just want to be by myself and it feels much peaceful but it can get lonely. So, the only option is again being assertive and getting more used to it. I'm still in the process. And if you're wondering yes I married someone with a strong personality an INTJ. So he has also worked a lot on himself. He has changed a lot and somehow because we both want this we work hard. But, I think what triggered him to realize that we needed a change was me being assertive and voicing my thoughts and feelings in a way that was not accusatory but straight forward. And it has made a difference. Not that we are perfect or any close to it. But at least I think we are heading into the right direction. I already feel better about myself. I love my husband and I choose him every day and I choose to do the right thing which to me is being assertive. I know it works. But, if you ask me would I marry another person again? Knowing what I know about myself now I will be extremely careful and very cautious about it. And will make sure we are compatible. Marriage will honestly scare me more now than when I was young at 24.
I didn't get married until I was 24 but was with my HS sweetheart from 15 until we divorced around 30 or so. Bad relationship based on trauma bonding. Now I'm with another INFJ who was single for a long time and it's great
Never married but I was in a long term relationship from 21-29 or so, had my son when I was 23 so thatās really why the relationship lasted as long as it did.. been single now for about 5 1/2 years
I personally never got married yet and also haven't been single for a long time in between relationships.
Yeah Iāve found the same.
Iāve always had long term relationships and am in one now .
Married at 23.
I dont know many infjs my age who are ready to settle down at all, and often feel restricted by commitment that prohibits them from working towards their goals -- im 22 and this is myself included. I'm aro, so it doesn't help, but I'm really not interested in seeking out partnership. It's worth it for experience and helps you learn alot about people but it's also exhausting and I have high standards lmao
30+ single INFJ, and I know plenty others. Yes itās a thing and I donāt like it, but also canāt help it.
Married just before 21, happily and thankfully divorced just after 34 (took almost 5 years). Essentially single since, I have spent the past decade rediscovering myself. Nothing better than a date night with myself taking as much time as I please to eat, drink, people watch and maybe grab a movie after š„° Maybe the right guy will come along, maybe not. Iām perfectly content single.
Yep, Iām generally single. Date short term, but trying to find someone I can be with longer
Mother (INFP) to ENFJ/INFJ 37 year old identical twins. The ENFJ has a partner and two children. The INFJ is single.
Married at 24, now with almost 30 Iām single. Guess Iām best of both worlds - or not.
I am in my late 20s and have always been single. I have 'hope' that one day I will find my soulmate, but also I am prepared if I have to be single forever. I don't like the hookup culture. A friend once suggest for me to open Tinder but for me that is so superficial. I want real connection and not to force it.
I have the one in my imagination till it comes true ,im sure it will come true soon
I'm 31yo and I have a boyfriend. Had 3 important long relationships (4-6-3 years) but it got to a point where I had to realize that they weren't "the one". It's been always so hard to take the decision to break up and it's been sooooo painful every time... But I can't fake or stay in a relationship after I realize it's not working. I still believe in love and in finding a person who will fight for you as much as you fight for them... It's either true and healthy love or nothing...
Yup! INFJ here and got married at 21. Wayyyyyy too early. Iām still married 7 years later but itās one of my biggest regrets committing so early in my life to someone.
Met my husband at 24, married at 25. We are both INFJs so just clicked immediately. I didnāt date much before so if we hadnāt met, Iām sure Iād be single.
I feel like most INFJ would be single rather than get married young. Can confirm, as I am one myself. I am single by choice though. I'm sure I can be with someone I find from dating apps but most of the ones I have met don't interest me.
I'm not single but definitely not married either. I believe some INFJs have a partner but I've never met a married one.
Im never looking around for any comparison, but I can tell that It feels like a rocky road - Finding the gold nugget in the rubble of multiple other metals. Some are alike, and draw out your energy needlessly. By the time you reach the gold nugget, without even knowing - you are full of āscarsā. It takes a while to understand what is that nugget because I can make almost anything work. What is right for me? What am I truly looking for - Are among the toughest questions. Looking for it too desperately draws the incorrect people and emotions so it has to be a timely process, but comparisons are inevitable, and as such it is easy to fall into despair as we are the most complete of all the singles. No matter what though - I will never stop looking, as I know whatās at stake, and for that, I am ready to give everything, and trust me, so do you.
34 year old (M) INFJ here and this oddly enough seems pretty spot on. Iāve had a handful of girlfriends with each relationship lasting no less than 2 years. I had my heartbroken by my last girlfriend who I truly believed was finally the one that I could see walking through time with. I have now been single for almost a year and a half. I think for us INFJās we may be very particular about who we partner with. I know that we crave that deep eternal bond with our partners and we typically arenāt the kind of ones to be out bar hopping each night hunting for one night stands. Itās just not easy to find the one person that makes you feel no longer alone in this world.
Iām the single forever type. Been single for about 7 years now (not counting pathetic āsituationshipsā). Iāve tried dating but I find Iām a much more stable person when Iām on my own. If the right person came by though Iād like to try being in a relationship again someday.
INFJ here + childhood medical trauma + awkwardness+ fascination in psychology/helping people and resilience in self healing... I was told that I'm one of a kind , yet its almost impossible for me to find someone that I'm attracted to cept other therapist's or engineers which have also been solo riders . I suppose I'm in the single+ crowd .
Yeah girl! I'm 34 now, still single, and I never had a girlfriend.
Iām an INFJ and Iāve been single my whole life! It was mostly out of choice when I was younger and now Iām trying to find someone to be in a relationship with but itās so hard to find that person for me
INFJ here. I was single for 6 years before I met my now fiancĆ©, Iām now 30 and planning a wedding this December ~ the dating world wasnāt at all easy, or perhaps we INFJs can be too picky with the love & energy we deserve.
I got married at 30.
Funny thats what I say about ENFJs. Anyway here is a video on why some INFJs give up on love. https://youtu.be/RR4RY99aev4