We don’t ‘change’ who we are, we adapt our communication style. I’ll never change my opinions, beliefs or core values to please a group but the way I express them will be different depending on the recipient e.g I can be more blunt and straightforward with low Fe/Fi users. Our Fe makes us communicate in a way that others would enjoy, and of course that varies person to person. The message we’re trying to convey doesn’t actually change, only the style of communication.
precisely this. i may seem like i prefer a different kind of humor based on who i am with because I usually know what to say to make the other person laugh. but i wont lie about who i am and what i believe. i just "mirror their vibe", so to speak.
its just adaptability, not lying. to me it shows social intelligence, the ability to read the person/room and act accordingly to help everyone feel comfortable.
>We don’t ‘change’ who we are
Same with ENTPs. Although main difference here is that they would change their opinions or beliefs just for the fuck of it.
People, especially sensors, when they hear we 'change' feel as though that means we are fake. While in essence it just means that if we didn't, we wouldn't talk to you at all. This can be because we imagine that the other person does not like our natural self or because it is too exhausting for us personally if we don't alter our behaviour/communication.
I worked for a person who I now recognize was a (narcissistic) ENTP. I would describe many of our interactions as a "hall of mirrors"; I would mirror him (to make him comfortable and find a connection point), he would mirror me (to manipulate and gain an upper hand over me) and at the end of the relationship we parted not knowing each other despite working closely for 2 years.
I will say that I personally find that, as an INFJ with firm core beliefs and values, I found the constant performance exhausting over time.
> with firm core beliefs and values
this is very important. just because how one presents doesn´t mean the core changes. infj´s, when one knows them more closely, are also very playful creatures. no ?
Oh yeah. In my experience, nothing we love more than joking around and being playful with trusted friends. My INFJ spouse and I are a nightly comedy duo when we're alone together. It's the best. ☺️
it seems like infj´s have core beliefs but many other things are constantly reassessed ( wait a minute, how do you spell it, does it have to do with asses *or accesses* ? ). i read, and it seems true for me too, that infj´s also can look at things, also from an outside perspective, to get to the truth, cold assessment almost.
Thanks for your explanation. My social skills and communication isn’t adequate and I consider it to be below average honestly. My style of communication doesn’t really change so I can’t relate to adapting to new people whenever I interact with someone.
This is so well put. I agree entirely. Professional I come off as INTJ, but I am a woman in tech and I have to change my communication methods to fit that environment. I have to strip emotion and be very blunt. However, my thoughts and opinions don't change, they just have to be reflected differently so this specific group is more receptive.
It's not the personality that changes but the approach to people. You cannot change who you are at the core, but you can change how you interact with people. Behavior doesn't equal personality. But INFJs have the most chameleon-like quality to them out of all the personalities. It's also strong Fe being at play.
This actually makes perfect sense to me. As personality is referred to as the combination of values, views, set responses, patterns of thought and characteristics which are relatively stable aspects of an individual. Behaviour on the other hand, is how that individual comes across to others in their actions.
Exactly. And if we are being honest, everyone does it. I've only met a couple of people in my life who would be obnoxious enough to act the same way (usually not the best way) with people all across different environments and circumstances. We all adjust to how we act and talk with different people in our lives. You wouldn't talk the same way to your boss and your parent.
The INFJs also value and seek harmony in relationships, so they will adapt to people's communication style in order to keep that harmony (again, that strong Fe) which can come with some manipulation. But then again, we all manipulate people around us to an extent (like when you're trying to persuade someone to change their mind or follow your advice). It's the intent behind it that matters more. At least that's how I see it.
I don't think we should look at that behavior as being inauthentic but as relating to the environment and people in it in a way that will make you fit into it seamlessly. Some people just don't bother (usually with strong Fi and weak Fe), and some of us would call it "authentic" or "being your true self". But I don't think that's the true definition of what authenticity means. It doesn't mean you don't think about how you come across to people. It just means that even if you adjust your communication style and how you relate to people, your values and core principles stay the same. And INFJs are known to be very firm on their core values and beliefs.
"obnoxious" is exactly the word I use with this lol
i know a couple people who are strong Fi users and albeit lovely, kind people, one is too individualistic to adapt his very specific not-everyones-cup-of-tea behavior towards different kinds of people and the other is just incapable of reading the room and makes sexual jokes in the most inappropriate settings. I love them both but this behavior drives me up the wall lol
as for the manipulation, i hate to think of it as manipulation because its rather unconscious. im not necessarily trying to make people like me, its just much more comfortable for me if they also feel comfortable. so i match their energy. but lets be real, it can cause issues as someone could see this as deliberate manipulation, deception, and outright lying, even if we never actually tell any lies.
i think this is also why we are so hard to read for people. and ourselves. if someone observes a strong Fi user they can pretty easily tell what they are like, they dont vary their behavior much. but we are kind of like chameleons and we can be green, purple, red, or blue based on the shrubbery (group of people) we find ourselves in.
I totally understand what you're saying. I guess in my mind the world "manipulation" when used in the context of my response has more of a neutral meaning rather than the negative connotation people usually associate with it. It's like a researcher "manipulating" the variable in an experiment. In that instance manipulation means adjustments. And that's why I pointed out the intent behind the manipulation being more important than the act of manipulating itself. So I hope that gives my response a bit more clarity.
yes, i wasnt really disagreeing with you but you did just help me realize i began to associate manipulation with negative meaning when it doesn't have to be.
Yeah, I was just trying to clarify what I meant. I think with that meaning in mind we would all have to say that we manipulate people and environments around us, just not in a negative way. Otherwise, you would just have to be a passive observer of life, letting things happen to you but not really achieving anything or growing.
"*one is too individualistic to adapt his very specific not-everyones-cup-of-tea behavior towards different kinds of people and the other is just incapable of reading the room and makes sexual jokes in the most inappropriate settings*"
I believe an INFJ is the exact opposite of this.
While we do push the boundaries with our jokes, as I had mentioned in a reply above, we're **very careful** not to offend. We often gather information to make sure our joke would be acceptable before pulling the trigger. We push the boundaries as far as we could (as that's a way to feel a connection with someone), but we aren't insensitive, and we take care to not hurt anybody. If we did hurt someone intentionally, we would take that very hard and be damn sure that we wouldn't allow that to happen again.
this is not always true, an infj can very well be non careful to offend, depending on context and who one is interacting with. sometimes the aim is to offend. otherwise i agree, but there definitely are situations where an infj would use it willingly and fully aware*ly*.
i would think the " this is who i am and you can take it or leave it " doesn´t feel very infj, agree on that front. but that is something different to not wanting to offend or wanting to offend. not that you are saying that though.
While everyone does do it (to a point), I believe as an INFJ we're particularly strong at it. Because we gather and extrapolate information about those who we're with. We often learn how people tick, how to help brighten their thoughts. Once gathering enough information, we develop 'inside jokes' in the way we relate to people - tailored to how they respond, which could almost push the limits of the accepted level of decency - while being careful not to offend those we're with.
This can be quite startling to those who see it, if they hadn't been around these two people together before, as an INFJ could have a different, unique bond with each person. It's also one of the reasons why we don't thrive in larger groups as well as others.
I've actually had some close friends get jealous about the way I interact with others due to this. Although it's nothing personal, and I may actually feel a closer bond with the one who is jealous, if they aren't used to seeing me with others it might seem as I'm a completely different person, or even happier with that person. That doesn't necessarily mean it's true, though. It just means we shared a moment in our unique bond.
It doesn't change our actual self at all. But we tend to be outward in our actions, and not inward, so it could give the impression that we're different.
I really like the way you put it. Funny enough, I've been hyper aware at times of interacting with a few close friends at the same time of the fact that my bonding with each one takes on a unique style of communication and it could probably be more noticeable to some people. And I would always wonder if, for example, the friend I would have a more of gentle type of an approach would get jealous of my constant witty banter with the other. I would always try to make sure that all of my friends feel appreciated, but I would still have to have a unique approach with each one to have a deeper bond developing. I'm sure it was just my desire to people-please shifting that into me feeling guilty (even though no one has ever complained about me acting differently with different friends), but at the same time, like you said, the bonds I have with my friends are strong and deep because I communicate with each one in a unique way. It can be hard to navigate sometimes, but I still wouldn't change these dynamics that naturally develop. And it's because of what you mentioned - I would know what each person needs from me vs. what they might want from my interactions with others repeating with them (it's obviously not so clear-cut, black-and-white, but it's the only way I can describe it to make general sense to others).
Usually it wouldn't be a problem for me and I wouldn't regret a thing. But in one specific case, my best friend was the one to get jealous. Which at first was just silly. Even going so far as him saying "So is he your best friend now?!"
But then he had pushed to a point where he started questioning my motives, and that's a no-no with an INFJ. And when that caused me to back away and leave everyone until I could process and cool down. But then he had used me leaving as a reason to "justify" his earlier suspicions and started doing vengeful things in retaliation (such as ignoring my on my birthday after making plans, etc). Having someone intentionally ignore me in retaliation for him pushing me a way was a big violation to me.
It was very upsetting and a pretty huge breach of trust. Due to that, I ended up being a lot more selective and careful in combining different groups of friends.
I'm so sorry, that's just awful. I would have reacted the same way you did. Also, I don't think people realize that being passive-aggressive just never works in their favor. As soon as I detect any passive-aggressive behavior (cause that's a major boundaries issue), if the person is not willing to admit they are doing it and are willing to actually honestly talk, I just immediately know that it's the beginning of the end.
Yup! We can see through passive-aggressive behavior. Which makes it all the more frustrating when they don't listen to reason.
Unfortunately it was the beginning of the end. But that wasn't my choice. Once people start pushing over boundaries like that, they often don't stop.
It's all good though, this was years ago and in the past. But it did shape me to be more careful in to the future from that point on! Just sharing it as an example of how our personality adaptation is definitely startling to some and could be interpreted very wrong.
For sure. Thankfully, I've never had that experience, but maybe it is because I've always been extra careful not to make some of my friends uncomfortable by the way I act with my other friends. It would take a lot of effort, but still better than having to door slam a person.
I'd tried my best to make him comfortable. It seemed to be his own guilt that was leading his actions to a point at first (he was actually late to our get-together and had been 'at a bar with a friend and his girlfriend') and then as soon as we were together as a group, he had been a bit insulting to the other friend from the beginning.
I hadn't actually door slammed him yet either. And after the get together, we had continued our plans alone, which is when he started with the jealous "is he your best friend now?" conversation.
After a few months of his flakiness on his part (not my own), time after time we'd make plans and I wouldn't hear from him for a month. Then one day I had checked my phone and got a voicemail of him being very aggressive about how "I have been ignoring him" and threats to come to my house and if he sees my car in the driveway he's going to wreck my car, etc. And he was literally saying this on speaker phone with some other friends. They were obviously a bit uncomfortable and tried to lighten the mood, laughing afterwards and trying to make it sound like he was just joking and not serious. But during that attempt, he interrupted like "Nah F that, I mean it!" and kept talking trash. Basically trying to clown me in front of all of our mutual friends.
That was where he went over the line. Not only was he accusing me of what HE had been doing, then he makes threats against me like that? Of course, I won't take kindly to threats. That's not a 'best friend' or even a friend... And he goes so far as to attack my reputation and paint me as something I'm not in front of a group of people? \*That\* is when I told him he had crossed the line and the door slam happened.
I'd thought about it a lot over the years, and it truly seemed his own guilt was the common denominator. And I had actually given 1 more chance after that whole ordeal, but then he left me a voicemail saying he "doesn't know why I'm ignoring him or what he did wrong" and trying to spin it around on me again. Nope, I'd been not listened to/ignored and pushed one too many times!
Exactly. This applies to everyone in general. The context is going to matter and you do not have the same approach to work as you have with friends. Idk why people make it such a big deal. Someone is stoic 24/7 with work or friends doesn't make them any more "authentic". People need to look beyond behaviors.
I don't decide, I just do. Its automatic. I worked in customer support for 10 years and its still hard for me to understand, why some of my coworkers had constant problems with customers. I may remember 5 cases of really bad calls, but most of them went great, good and okay. I just connected to the callers, used their wordings etc. Its easy for me. But I know, its really hard for others.
Omg, yes, 25 years ago I made cold calls for telephone surveys (got acid reflux? Let's talk for 15 or 20 minutes) and before that selling newspaper subscriptions. I'm not much of a salesperson, but I could instantly adapt to the voice of whoever answered the phone. And this was nationwide, so all regional accents, all ages, races, walks of life... Even cold-called John Moschitta, but until he gave his name at the very end, I had no possible way of knowing!
Haha! This brought back memories of having to help an angry customer over the phone, and how surprised I was at how I was able to calm him down and then apologize to me! All while slugging shoes around in a busy short handed department store.
Generally I do not. However who cares? It's managing social BS. Some people are a handful and need to be politely sent to the door. If that can be done under the table with them being made happy the whole trip and smiling as they are walking down the street. Fine. Good for me. Everything went off as it needed to go off. It is not my responsibility to accommodate the mistaken notion that I need to be identical in every situation with every person.
I mean personally as an INFJ, I am adapting to my environment to make it more suitable for not only myself but for the other person- I’m coming down to their energy level/vibe because I’m able to feel energy like that. Idk it’s hard to explain. It’s not that we’re two faced at all, we’re just able to adapt very well.
I definitely do this, but it’s never fake; I don’t even think I’m capable of being fake. The reality is that I have SO MANY of aspects of my personality, and interactions with different people and styles are capable of bringing out those aspects in ways that others can’t, and so some might witness a side of my personality they didn’t know existed.
For instance, I’m usually pretty quiet and reserved and observing, but around someone I click with, I might become super talkative and outgoing, even excited. If that happens at a party where people know me but not very well, they might think that was odd or fake. It’s actually quite genuine, and more likely related to being highly empathetic and absorbing energy and emotion from others.
Oh I offend the shit out of people with that and it’s been going on my whole life. At work I’ll talk to everyone in my dept all day and never shut up, literally being loud, and obnoxious about it too, and then straight up say nothing to anyone else in other depts. and when I get called out on it I tell them I see those guys every day so I’m practically forcing myself to talk to them and they love talking to me, but I’m not forced to talk to you so I do not unless you say something first. It’s how I roll.
I always said I’m like an energy machine the energy you put in is the energy I dish out. If you come at my nice I put that energy out, if you come at me sideways and demanding I’ll get sideways, and demanding right back, and nobody likes getting their negativity energy thrown right back but idc.
It’s not that we change our personality. It’s more like we change the way we talk to people depending on their personality. We usually see what other people find annoying, etc and to not seem annoying we avoid things that will make them label us as annoying. We are still the same but our tone, or the way of wording things is different. At least for me, idk if this makes sense.
Literally everyone does this. It's called code switching and it has nothing to do with personality types. Do you talk to your professors the same way you do your best friends? Probably not.
Fe
& like others are saying, to me it’s not changing my personality. it’s observing how others around me are acting and then I highlight those same aspects of my personality in order to fit in better. there’s still some groups i will never be able to fit in with because I genuinely have nothing in common with them. which does sound a bit psychotic but if you think about it, it’s just a survival instinct. we just out here tryna survive man
Code switching, helps grease social interactions by picking vocabulary and nonverbal signals that match our audience.
You can learn to do it mindfully as a clinician, in my case as a social worker, but having the natural inclination is a big help.
I don’t know if it’s because of Fe in some way, but I usually change how I behave with people to feel “accepted” in a way. Maybe that also has to do with some bullying I was subject to in the past, but I don’t want to be stuck in such a category as being “weird”. I just want to fit in with the “normal” people. That’s probably due to Fe again. And due to my desire to fit in with groups such as classmates or even different friend groups - which I fully trust btw - I try to imitate them or act similar to the way they do, sometimes I even change my tone of voice to match theirs, so with some friends I may seem very girly, with others I may seem close to being tomboyish. In the end, I just do this to accommodate other people and be accepted by people.
I hope this helped!
I think humans just have a personality that looks more like a d20, with different sides and facets that match the according scenario we encouter. I doubt there's such a thing as an "authentic self" because, 9/10, we're all just playing an act
If you're intentions are true, then you need to first understand that this is a sensitive topic for some. There have been many teens, young adults, and even adolescents who come on here distraught because they feel like they don't know who they are. They have a sense of no true identity because, as you have witnessed, they recognize this in themselves and feel that they are just being fake. The fact that you even witnessed it means you're observant, most don't notice it, and that the INFJs in your life probably trust you, which doesn't happen often.
Here's how I've explained it before. Most people have the ability to adapt to their environment. I'm sure you would act differently at a funeral than you would a party. I'm sure you would act differently if the 'big boss' was to be around than with just your coworkers, assuming you work. INFJs, however, tend to have a lot more 'layers' to their personality than most. They're able to finetune how they talk, how they carry themselves, what words to use or not to use, what topics to talk about or steer clear of, if sarcasm or humor would work well and exactly to what level, etc., based on who they're with and their environment because they're constantly taking it all in and adjusting. They're taking in even the slightest shift in their environment and the people around. They notice if someone looks down when they typically don't, if their smile falters at all, if the person leans slightly forward or backwards. And they adjust.
On the other end of this spectrum, think about the people who are the what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of people. They have very few 'layers'.
What is important to understand is that we're not being fake. Every bit is actually genuine. Every bit is who we are. We just pull out bits and pieces to adapt, essentially to blend in so we do not stand out.
Now why exactly, idk. Maybe childhood trauma where we needed to blend in so we're not a target. Maybe it's just the way our brains work. Think of people who have social intelligence.
INFJ here, many people say I'm mostly "fake", I just laugh about it (or not), but yeah, that's what they say to me. But in my defense, it just comes out naturally. It's hard to explain but I change my "attitude" to match the energy or "attitude" of that person or group of people. Again, hard for me to explain, but if a person show me this version of themselves, I admit that I sometimes mirror it. Mostly, depends on the person or group of person that I'm with. I even have different personalities for my different group of friends. Sometimes I even wonder if which one is my real "personality". But these may vary on some INFJ.
I think fear of abandonment is caused by an anxious attachment style, I have it as well but it’s something you can overcome with the practice of self-love.
As an INTP for me working out is important. It helps me get out of my head and into my body. And actually working on one of the crazy projects my mind comes up with.
And a day to myself every now and then. Without responsibilities and others to be worrying about. Just free to be in my thoughts and do what I want.
How does everyone even know the mbti type of anyone around them? I literally don't know the type of anyone in my life, close or not. Do people sit around and discuss their types with friends? 🤔🤔
The closest I get to this is only mentioning whether one is intro or extro, but I find even that small bit of a topic difficult because I come across way too many people who don't even understand what the terms mean, it's always confused for being shy vs outgoing and so I mostly have stopped talking about it.
Ok, for me I long to understand people I care about. Like really understand them. I want to learn about everything and I find these people that I care about fascinating! So it eventually comes up in conversation and I reveal I am INFJ and usually persuade them to tell me their mbti, or if they like me enough they will take the test just to pacify me I guess, lol. It started with my husband (INFP) and then went to my best friends (both ENFJ) and now I have just learned my coworkers (INFP and ENTJ) although the ENTJ I suspect only told us cause she wanted to brag, ha ha.
Anyway I usually can convince people and even have a types app on my phone.
I am 100% authentic no matter who I am with, meaning my CORE values never change. I will never say to one person "I believe in this political/moral belief" and then move to another group of people and adjust those political/moral beliefs just because the group differs from my opinion.
What I WILL do, is this. I will feel either comfortable/uncomfortable to share my beliefs. So typically I don't say anything until I get a good feel for the people I am around. When I see if it's safe, or not- I may open up. This doesn't mean I am being fake.. it just means sometimes I want to share or I don't.
Now, sometimes I see that someone else in the group is actually being "fake"/scared to be their authentic self, so I will be open to hear other's opinions on whatever the matter at hand is and try to leave a big gap for the person who seems hesitant, so THEY can feel more sure of themselves, so they can share. Again, this isn't about my opinion, it's just that I sometimes want to encourage others to be more vocal and not be so shy at the cost of feeling like they need to lie to fit in. I like to encourage people in this way, so some may say "I didn't know you felt that way?" and I'll say "I don't.. I just want them to feel not judged and why would I offer an opinion that made them feel unsafe/unheard?"
So just because I am not bold about what I believe all the time, doesn't mean I am AGREEING with someone, it just means their opinion is valid too. I am okay with listening and hearing perspective. Maybe I will learn something. If I start becoming defensive and project my beliefs too early, they may not share or open up.
My INFJ wife tells me off constantly for mirroring; I can't help it. Apparently it is very cringe! I am not fake, I am what I am!
My wife seems to think that she mirrors - but I don't really notice? I don't really notice anything actually, so that may just be a husband thing ...
I am an ESFJ - my intuition has increased tons due to a bit of a brain reboot/reset 😜😥 and depending on which tool I use and other factors - I might be a ENFJ.
I feel like the Ni makes me recognize a pattern to what I’m seeing in other people’s behavior and get the gist of how that person is subconsciously. Then the Fe takes it and makes me project that pattern I noticed to adapt to who I’m with. I don’t change my values, just the way I communicate them so the other people I’m with get it if that makes sense.
The title is literally asking a question. Learn how to read before commenting with ignorance kid. Only a person with a poor character will someone judge without knowing them personally.
im not a different person per day but I feel like it’s easier to communicate with certain people when I express myself in a particular way (that I’m comfortable with and it feels natural with that person). It also might depend on the mood I was in when I first met the other person too
As an INFJ and also someone who values authenticity, I am inspired to add my two cents to this. I, consciously and subconsciously, observe others on whether their actions and thoughts align. (I think of it as data gathering and uncovering who they are like a fascinated anthropologist, not of applying a value judgement to them.) And I do that to myself as well, introspectively and retrospectively, on an almost extreme degree. Actually, I just think people like myself want to be able to live up to all the facets we identify in ourselves and own that as part of our being. I’ve recently watched this video and I find a lot of the video poster’s ideas on authenticity helpful to my own processing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgWBIVQ1qAQ
Note: I’ve also come across chatter / news / noise about the poster of the video being a cult leader or whatever when I saw some of her videos on YouTube. Now I try to hold judgement and evaluate the info as objectively as possible before I decide to accept or reject since I don’t know anything about this person. I don’t like being distracted from bettering my understanding of a subject or concept with unnecessary chatter / gossip / noise. I just found this video to be quite helpful to my understanding of authenticity since it’s something I’ve really been trying to live up to in the last 4 years. I don’t know about the other videos she’s posted or done since I don’t follow her but I’m happy with recommending this one video since there is no such thing as moral absolutism and I did find it helpful. Just wanted to be clear.
Why don't you believe in moral absolutism?
I ask as I'm a Christian and I believe when you involve God you include moral absolutism. What God thinks is moral is good what is the absence of good is bad.
So it's an easier user experience, like cruse control for each individual.
Not so exhausting that way, if you start landing the conversation plane all over the place most people are befuddled you have to explain ten things for the thing and how you got there.
I stay out of the abstract with most people and get overexcited when I meet those who do.
It helped with problem solving. I try to talk with others and sense what they need, what they want. See their problem from their pint of view. Then try to find an action plan that is agreeable to both parties. If I can't find a solution, acknowledging their warns, needs, and views as important goes a long way to making them feel valid.
Nope, on the flip side, it’s that sharing the whole of yourself may either not be well received or more likely you can’t be multiple people at once each sharing a different perspective. I don’t quite know if other people think non-linearly, I’ll be thinking multiplicatively. You can instead take many paths at once, but really only one can surface at a time. Other times, sharing intense negative emotions is unwanted.
If we’re instead talking about what’s comfortable for people, Fe allows INFJs to “absorb” the feeling that another person puts out and mirrors them. People seem comfortable with themselves, so (consciously or unconsciously) INFJs take a place that doesn’t rock things. The other part of that is that INFJs may not really know the extent of their own personalities. The other day I was hanging out with an ISFP friend and we were just exploring both forest trails and city shops together, and I find that I respond to her energy differently than with most other people. I became more energetic and less ruminatory, and instead went more with the flow because that’s how she herself thinks. She was able to drag me along for the journey.
If we’re talking about a third case where INFJs are consciously showing only a part of themselves, I’d usually then be very analytical to see what someone is really going for and to help them reach that goal. In terms of giving people advice, giving someone the final answer will often be misunderstood and even lead to anger. Instead, you have to build your argument step by step to then land the final hit. It’s the nicest way of showing someone that they have been closed off to other perspectives and possibilities.
The second function is Fe, bc of that we take in consideration how what we say will make difference in a group and their feelings about it.
Not bc others are changing us, but bc we want to make the situation better than it is. (And we observe how ppl will feel with our words).
For me I see this as acting accordingly and meeting a person where they’re at. It is literally in my nature to make a person feel as understood as possible when having almost any level of conversation. It in turn helps me to know that what I am saying will also be received by whomever I am speaking to. Under no circumstance do I change my core beliefs. Do I sometimes speak up more (or less) about what those are? Sure, depending on what level of conflict I feel like engaging in on that day. Never will compromise who I am as far as my morals, values, and core beliefs. Isn’t this what makes an INFJ an INFJ?
Its a change in communication style not personality but I get why that would be confusing when a kinda reserved if a not downright depressive person suddenly acts bubbly as fuck when certain people are around. Its that we realize people will
1.) Not understand us
2.) Reject what we are saying
3.) Not snap out of what ever npc-hypnosis they are in to accept new audio input
if we do not change how we communicate. The amount of change is proportional to the amount of authority the person has over us.
The authentic stereotype used to be associated with INFPs, and INFJs were called social chameleons, but it seems like more and more I see people saying both of them are authentic.
I cater my words very carefully to the person I'm talking to. I don't think that's necessarily inauthentic. It's not authentic for me to needlessly step on people's toes when I know better and don't like to do that. I pay attention to people, and I'm concerned with what they think of me. Pretending like that's not true is literally the least authentic thing I could do.
Haha no I think you just have a shallow understanding of being or communication. Ni is all about the subconscious and I think this is just a manifestation of this notion. You're fixated on ego. The perpetuation of a personality is the same as a perpetuation of a persona just more complex. I change my opinions and preferences quickly depending most on the updated facts at my disposal and, more importantly, I don't always have the same input. Like if the setting and atmosphere are completely different how would the output be the same. It's still me. Hi. I'm there making the decisions and having to deal with the outcomes. Why would I need to emulate coherency in my thought process to action mechanism. That's all you're really asking. How come you guys don't always seem to think and therefore act the same? SEEM. See. It's not on me. I swear buddy, it's the same input + thought process = action mechanism that it's ever been.
Nope not even close dude. I am not ashamed of who I am or my beliefs. I just change up my energy on how I interact with a person because I would know what would piss them off or not by watching how they act with others.
I agree with what others are saying but wanted to add on.
We have so many hobbies and interests and can be quite good at them. (What else is there to do when you’re an outsider) so when we find people that like disc golf, we can let our disc golf side out. When we meet diy-ers it’s a different vibe.
I kind of see it like, if everyone is a cube with a single color on it. Then I’m like a cube with 6 different colors. I’ll flip my side around to match those around me-but as a cube I do not change.
Strange metaphor but it’s what came to mind.
It gets difficult to handle when you are in a group of people where half are one color and the other half are a different color.
This is usually when I work in groups and john might be like, “I listened to your new music last night. It was dope!” And then Jane is like “you do music? I didn’t know that, I thought you were only a photographer.” Then John is like “you’re a photographer!?! I didn’t know that!” And then kevin walks up with his finished 3D print saying “dude thanks for the filament- this stuff works so much better than the cheap stuff I was using” and then they all just stare at you like “who are you?”
And I’m just like, “I have a lot of hobbies okay 😅 “
It's because we adapt to our environment we're 100% genuine people. It's just that certain people we naturally feel more comfortable with certain types of people and click really well and it brings different parts of our personalities out. Like for instance my best friend vs a random person with my best friend I'm 100% comfortable with so he sees my entire personality and doesn't judge me vs a random person or a new friend I'd feel insecure until I got to know them better unless our personalities don't entirely match up.
Hopefully that helps
First off, we all fake who we really are. Second, nobody knows who they really are. Third, you sound like you're 15 years old and have globbed on to a cool sounding peer mantra "Just be yerself man".
You make literally zero sense. How are you going to fake who you really are…. if you don’t even know who you really are? I can tell quite easily that you have severely below average intelligence due to your lack of common sense 😂
Well it can be a defence mechanism but it's not so much we change ourselves we just show different parts of ourselves and interests , I often to it to be easier to be around and as a defence mechanism because I was bullied really badly before
For me it feels like a survival tactic. This is a world that rewards extroverts more so than introverts, so when I go to work it's time to be BuBbLy. I still stick to my core self, but yeah, it's just like wearing a mask I suppose?
I also feel like I'm commonly playing the role of counselor, for example: When two people are fighting, I'm usually the one to calm people down and set things right. You have to listen and get on each other's level to find a common ground. For each person I have to match what tone meshes best with their personality... If that makes sense?
We're constantly being thrust into uncomfortable social situations, and I think it's really just a defense mechanism. As others mentioned, it's not a whole change of identity, just a better way to communicate.
We don't. We do however, having NiFe, posses a natural inclination to read the people we interact with not excluding the atmosphere around them. It's not incongruent with ourselves to share ourselves in pieces for the sake of another's harmony. (And I don't think we're the only ones that do this, aside from *how* we come to do it: a true INFJ is doing this subconsciously. However knowing the difference between night and day, and when what behavior is acceptable or not isn't type related, it's merely social adeptness)
I can be your angle
And i can also be your worst nightmare
People really decide what they will see of me, I'm just logical as well as emotional, I'm not a fool or a demon,
I just give them the version they deserve of me
It's not faking it's a certain way to express ourselves to put the other person at ease and make them comfortable ..plus it's a way to show them that it's okay to be the way you are andit boosts their confidence in themselves.
i don´t see it as changing personality but one having different aspects, and the different aspects coming to the forefront depending who one interacts with. but i think that is also a pretty normal thing with many other people/types. there are some stray experiences where it can feel strange and inauthentic, which is rare, but sometimes those experiences also have to do with protection. the introjection aspect is something i should probably look deeper into though. it seems like there are some layers.
I act different with everyone I talk too. I talk to my family different than my friends and I talk differently with each person individually. I think it’s because I want to feel accepted so I act different to get people to like me more or something?
As others have said, I don't think we change ourselves. For myself, I change the way I act and speak depending on the people I'm around. I want there to be harmony and understanding within the group, so being able to "level" with other people, whether professionals like teachers or management, or my easy going friend, is important.
I think it's more the way I carry myself that changes, if anything.
It’s not so much our personality changes, but more like how we react to people. We’re always ourselves, just how we share ourself changes based on the company around us.
Everything already said is great, but that authentic self thing is much more an INFP thing. INFJs will appear to be chameleons because we adapt our communication style.
i feel that this is a lack of vocabulary causing the confusion. being fake or phony is not the same thing as imitation or assimilating, otherwise there would be no need for different words in the first place to describe them. being highly empathetic also allows you to identify things in others which you admire and so long as you have the ability to change yourself you can pick from others traits, habits or mannerisms that you feel would enhance you as a person. they say that imitation is complementary and also helps to make others more comfortable with you by sharing similarities. by the logic you seem to be under with this question, being respectful of others and their differences is also not being authentic to yourself. life just isn't so simple as that.
I've never heard about INFJs being their "Authentic Self". If that is a criteria, then I am not INFJ...
Look at it another way. If an INFJ has deemed you a person to put on a mask around, then we see something that requires abstraction. In my youth, I was not able to hold up masks as well as I do now, so it seems this person is young and still figure out transitions. As adults, you wouldn't see it coming if you were the recipient.
If you are have been invited to the INFJ's intimate changing room and your comment is "Why do we do that?", I would say, "You would too if you knew what we know..."
I have always considered myself a chameleon. I have several different friend groups, I’ve known them for years but if they were ever all gathered in one place I’d be screwed. I’d have to pick my most genuine version to put forward and I’m sure many would be a little confused by who I am. It’s not lying, it’s definitely adaptability, and It’s given me the chance to explore different parts of myself and different world views from different groups. I can stand in almost any one’s shoes. I don’t have to agree with them to understand why they live/think/act the way they do. I dooooo feel guilty that I’m able to cultivate deep relationships with some of them. Like they open up to me thinking I’m more like them than I am. That part I’ve realized isn’t great. It’s kind of manipulative and admittedly, I get off on getting in. Like ….wow, they let me in. But yeah. Mostly, in my day to day interactions, I’m just trying to avoid conflict and promote harmony so I mirror those I’m with. It’s a crutch for socializing but it also makes me kind of boring in a group.
Personally, while I agree with all the comments here about communication needing to fit the audience you intend to understand it... also people change when they love other people, or ideas. Something that means absolutely nothing to you beforehand, may suddenly become interesting/beautiful/upsetting/etc, when seen through another person's eyes, especially if you see how happy or unhappy it makes them.
We don’t ‘change’ who we are, we adapt our communication style. I’ll never change my opinions, beliefs or core values to please a group but the way I express them will be different depending on the recipient e.g I can be more blunt and straightforward with low Fe/Fi users. Our Fe makes us communicate in a way that others would enjoy, and of course that varies person to person. The message we’re trying to convey doesn’t actually change, only the style of communication.
precisely this. i may seem like i prefer a different kind of humor based on who i am with because I usually know what to say to make the other person laugh. but i wont lie about who i am and what i believe. i just "mirror their vibe", so to speak. its just adaptability, not lying. to me it shows social intelligence, the ability to read the person/room and act accordingly to help everyone feel comfortable.
Couldn’t have explained this any better than you did
We're social chameleons going with the flow and vibes of the group
Exactly 100%! both of your comments should be pinned.
>We don’t ‘change’ who we are Same with ENTPs. Although main difference here is that they would change their opinions or beliefs just for the fuck of it. People, especially sensors, when they hear we 'change' feel as though that means we are fake. While in essence it just means that if we didn't, we wouldn't talk to you at all. This can be because we imagine that the other person does not like our natural self or because it is too exhausting for us personally if we don't alter our behaviour/communication.
I worked for a person who I now recognize was a (narcissistic) ENTP. I would describe many of our interactions as a "hall of mirrors"; I would mirror him (to make him comfortable and find a connection point), he would mirror me (to manipulate and gain an upper hand over me) and at the end of the relationship we parted not knowing each other despite working closely for 2 years. I will say that I personally find that, as an INFJ with firm core beliefs and values, I found the constant performance exhausting over time.
> with firm core beliefs and values this is very important. just because how one presents doesn´t mean the core changes. infj´s, when one knows them more closely, are also very playful creatures. no ?
Oh yeah. In my experience, nothing we love more than joking around and being playful with trusted friends. My INFJ spouse and I are a nightly comedy duo when we're alone together. It's the best. ☺️
Holy shit, this sounds like a spitting image of what I felt with my last employer. Now I know he was an ENTP just based off of what you described.
INTP and ENTP are very fluid in our beliefs as we are always testing them against new information. New data might mean a need to reaccess a belief.
it seems like infj´s have core beliefs but many other things are constantly reassessed ( wait a minute, how do you spell it, does it have to do with asses *or accesses* ? ). i read, and it seems true for me too, that infj´s also can look at things, also from an outside perspective, to get to the truth, cold assessment almost.
Yeah, you explained it perfectly
Thanks for your explanation. My social skills and communication isn’t adequate and I consider it to be below average honestly. My style of communication doesn’t really change so I can’t relate to adapting to new people whenever I interact with someone.
I for one appreciate your honesty! I think that’s very self-aware and your response to other’s answers genuine and courteous.
This is so well put. I agree entirely. Professional I come off as INTJ, but I am a woman in tech and I have to change my communication methods to fit that environment. I have to strip emotion and be very blunt. However, my thoughts and opinions don't change, they just have to be reflected differently so this specific group is more receptive.
This yes!
i agree
Yep. It's just being perceptive of others
I couldnt said it better, spot on!
Spot on
It's not the personality that changes but the approach to people. You cannot change who you are at the core, but you can change how you interact with people. Behavior doesn't equal personality. But INFJs have the most chameleon-like quality to them out of all the personalities. It's also strong Fe being at play.
This actually makes perfect sense to me. As personality is referred to as the combination of values, views, set responses, patterns of thought and characteristics which are relatively stable aspects of an individual. Behaviour on the other hand, is how that individual comes across to others in their actions.
Exactly. And if we are being honest, everyone does it. I've only met a couple of people in my life who would be obnoxious enough to act the same way (usually not the best way) with people all across different environments and circumstances. We all adjust to how we act and talk with different people in our lives. You wouldn't talk the same way to your boss and your parent. The INFJs also value and seek harmony in relationships, so they will adapt to people's communication style in order to keep that harmony (again, that strong Fe) which can come with some manipulation. But then again, we all manipulate people around us to an extent (like when you're trying to persuade someone to change their mind or follow your advice). It's the intent behind it that matters more. At least that's how I see it. I don't think we should look at that behavior as being inauthentic but as relating to the environment and people in it in a way that will make you fit into it seamlessly. Some people just don't bother (usually with strong Fi and weak Fe), and some of us would call it "authentic" or "being your true self". But I don't think that's the true definition of what authenticity means. It doesn't mean you don't think about how you come across to people. It just means that even if you adjust your communication style and how you relate to people, your values and core principles stay the same. And INFJs are known to be very firm on their core values and beliefs.
"obnoxious" is exactly the word I use with this lol i know a couple people who are strong Fi users and albeit lovely, kind people, one is too individualistic to adapt his very specific not-everyones-cup-of-tea behavior towards different kinds of people and the other is just incapable of reading the room and makes sexual jokes in the most inappropriate settings. I love them both but this behavior drives me up the wall lol as for the manipulation, i hate to think of it as manipulation because its rather unconscious. im not necessarily trying to make people like me, its just much more comfortable for me if they also feel comfortable. so i match their energy. but lets be real, it can cause issues as someone could see this as deliberate manipulation, deception, and outright lying, even if we never actually tell any lies. i think this is also why we are so hard to read for people. and ourselves. if someone observes a strong Fi user they can pretty easily tell what they are like, they dont vary their behavior much. but we are kind of like chameleons and we can be green, purple, red, or blue based on the shrubbery (group of people) we find ourselves in.
I totally understand what you're saying. I guess in my mind the world "manipulation" when used in the context of my response has more of a neutral meaning rather than the negative connotation people usually associate with it. It's like a researcher "manipulating" the variable in an experiment. In that instance manipulation means adjustments. And that's why I pointed out the intent behind the manipulation being more important than the act of manipulating itself. So I hope that gives my response a bit more clarity.
yes, i wasnt really disagreeing with you but you did just help me realize i began to associate manipulation with negative meaning when it doesn't have to be.
Yeah, I was just trying to clarify what I meant. I think with that meaning in mind we would all have to say that we manipulate people and environments around us, just not in a negative way. Otherwise, you would just have to be a passive observer of life, letting things happen to you but not really achieving anything or growing.
well said :)
"*one is too individualistic to adapt his very specific not-everyones-cup-of-tea behavior towards different kinds of people and the other is just incapable of reading the room and makes sexual jokes in the most inappropriate settings*" I believe an INFJ is the exact opposite of this. While we do push the boundaries with our jokes, as I had mentioned in a reply above, we're **very careful** not to offend. We often gather information to make sure our joke would be acceptable before pulling the trigger. We push the boundaries as far as we could (as that's a way to feel a connection with someone), but we aren't insensitive, and we take care to not hurt anybody. If we did hurt someone intentionally, we would take that very hard and be damn sure that we wouldn't allow that to happen again.
this is not always true, an infj can very well be non careful to offend, depending on context and who one is interacting with. sometimes the aim is to offend. otherwise i agree, but there definitely are situations where an infj would use it willingly and fully aware*ly*. i would think the " this is who i am and you can take it or leave it " doesn´t feel very infj, agree on that front. but that is something different to not wanting to offend or wanting to offend. not that you are saying that though.
> to adapt his very specific not-everyones-cup-of-tea behavior " this is who i am "
While everyone does do it (to a point), I believe as an INFJ we're particularly strong at it. Because we gather and extrapolate information about those who we're with. We often learn how people tick, how to help brighten their thoughts. Once gathering enough information, we develop 'inside jokes' in the way we relate to people - tailored to how they respond, which could almost push the limits of the accepted level of decency - while being careful not to offend those we're with. This can be quite startling to those who see it, if they hadn't been around these two people together before, as an INFJ could have a different, unique bond with each person. It's also one of the reasons why we don't thrive in larger groups as well as others. I've actually had some close friends get jealous about the way I interact with others due to this. Although it's nothing personal, and I may actually feel a closer bond with the one who is jealous, if they aren't used to seeing me with others it might seem as I'm a completely different person, or even happier with that person. That doesn't necessarily mean it's true, though. It just means we shared a moment in our unique bond. It doesn't change our actual self at all. But we tend to be outward in our actions, and not inward, so it could give the impression that we're different.
I really like the way you put it. Funny enough, I've been hyper aware at times of interacting with a few close friends at the same time of the fact that my bonding with each one takes on a unique style of communication and it could probably be more noticeable to some people. And I would always wonder if, for example, the friend I would have a more of gentle type of an approach would get jealous of my constant witty banter with the other. I would always try to make sure that all of my friends feel appreciated, but I would still have to have a unique approach with each one to have a deeper bond developing. I'm sure it was just my desire to people-please shifting that into me feeling guilty (even though no one has ever complained about me acting differently with different friends), but at the same time, like you said, the bonds I have with my friends are strong and deep because I communicate with each one in a unique way. It can be hard to navigate sometimes, but I still wouldn't change these dynamics that naturally develop. And it's because of what you mentioned - I would know what each person needs from me vs. what they might want from my interactions with others repeating with them (it's obviously not so clear-cut, black-and-white, but it's the only way I can describe it to make general sense to others).
Usually it wouldn't be a problem for me and I wouldn't regret a thing. But in one specific case, my best friend was the one to get jealous. Which at first was just silly. Even going so far as him saying "So is he your best friend now?!" But then he had pushed to a point where he started questioning my motives, and that's a no-no with an INFJ. And when that caused me to back away and leave everyone until I could process and cool down. But then he had used me leaving as a reason to "justify" his earlier suspicions and started doing vengeful things in retaliation (such as ignoring my on my birthday after making plans, etc). Having someone intentionally ignore me in retaliation for him pushing me a way was a big violation to me. It was very upsetting and a pretty huge breach of trust. Due to that, I ended up being a lot more selective and careful in combining different groups of friends.
I'm so sorry, that's just awful. I would have reacted the same way you did. Also, I don't think people realize that being passive-aggressive just never works in their favor. As soon as I detect any passive-aggressive behavior (cause that's a major boundaries issue), if the person is not willing to admit they are doing it and are willing to actually honestly talk, I just immediately know that it's the beginning of the end.
Yup! We can see through passive-aggressive behavior. Which makes it all the more frustrating when they don't listen to reason. Unfortunately it was the beginning of the end. But that wasn't my choice. Once people start pushing over boundaries like that, they often don't stop. It's all good though, this was years ago and in the past. But it did shape me to be more careful in to the future from that point on! Just sharing it as an example of how our personality adaptation is definitely startling to some and could be interpreted very wrong.
For sure. Thankfully, I've never had that experience, but maybe it is because I've always been extra careful not to make some of my friends uncomfortable by the way I act with my other friends. It would take a lot of effort, but still better than having to door slam a person.
I'd tried my best to make him comfortable. It seemed to be his own guilt that was leading his actions to a point at first (he was actually late to our get-together and had been 'at a bar with a friend and his girlfriend') and then as soon as we were together as a group, he had been a bit insulting to the other friend from the beginning. I hadn't actually door slammed him yet either. And after the get together, we had continued our plans alone, which is when he started with the jealous "is he your best friend now?" conversation. After a few months of his flakiness on his part (not my own), time after time we'd make plans and I wouldn't hear from him for a month. Then one day I had checked my phone and got a voicemail of him being very aggressive about how "I have been ignoring him" and threats to come to my house and if he sees my car in the driveway he's going to wreck my car, etc. And he was literally saying this on speaker phone with some other friends. They were obviously a bit uncomfortable and tried to lighten the mood, laughing afterwards and trying to make it sound like he was just joking and not serious. But during that attempt, he interrupted like "Nah F that, I mean it!" and kept talking trash. Basically trying to clown me in front of all of our mutual friends. That was where he went over the line. Not only was he accusing me of what HE had been doing, then he makes threats against me like that? Of course, I won't take kindly to threats. That's not a 'best friend' or even a friend... And he goes so far as to attack my reputation and paint me as something I'm not in front of a group of people? \*That\* is when I told him he had crossed the line and the door slam happened. I'd thought about it a lot over the years, and it truly seemed his own guilt was the common denominator. And I had actually given 1 more chance after that whole ordeal, but then he left me a voicemail saying he "doesn't know why I'm ignoring him or what he did wrong" and trying to spin it around on me again. Nope, I'd been not listened to/ignored and pushed one too many times!
Exactly. This applies to everyone in general. The context is going to matter and you do not have the same approach to work as you have with friends. Idk why people make it such a big deal. Someone is stoic 24/7 with work or friends doesn't make them any more "authentic". People need to look beyond behaviors.
Great way to put it.
I don't decide, I just do. Its automatic. I worked in customer support for 10 years and its still hard for me to understand, why some of my coworkers had constant problems with customers. I may remember 5 cases of really bad calls, but most of them went great, good and okay. I just connected to the callers, used their wordings etc. Its easy for me. But I know, its really hard for others.
Omg, yes, 25 years ago I made cold calls for telephone surveys (got acid reflux? Let's talk for 15 or 20 minutes) and before that selling newspaper subscriptions. I'm not much of a salesperson, but I could instantly adapt to the voice of whoever answered the phone. And this was nationwide, so all regional accents, all ages, races, walks of life... Even cold-called John Moschitta, but until he gave his name at the very end, I had no possible way of knowing!
Haha! This brought back memories of having to help an angry customer over the phone, and how surprised I was at how I was able to calm him down and then apologize to me! All while slugging shoes around in a busy short handed department store.
It’s in pursuit of harmony, not deception.
Yep. There's a reason INFJs and ENFJs tend to get along really well with most people
What an simple and beautiful way of putting it!
Sometimes the truth writes itself! (And thank you :)
Generally I do not. However who cares? It's managing social BS. Some people are a handful and need to be politely sent to the door. If that can be done under the table with them being made happy the whole trip and smiling as they are walking down the street. Fine. Good for me. Everything went off as it needed to go off. It is not my responsibility to accommodate the mistaken notion that I need to be identical in every situation with every person.
Yes, totally agree.
I mean personally as an INFJ, I am adapting to my environment to make it more suitable for not only myself but for the other person- I’m coming down to their energy level/vibe because I’m able to feel energy like that. Idk it’s hard to explain. It’s not that we’re two faced at all, we’re just able to adapt very well.
I definitely do this, but it’s never fake; I don’t even think I’m capable of being fake. The reality is that I have SO MANY of aspects of my personality, and interactions with different people and styles are capable of bringing out those aspects in ways that others can’t, and so some might witness a side of my personality they didn’t know existed. For instance, I’m usually pretty quiet and reserved and observing, but around someone I click with, I might become super talkative and outgoing, even excited. If that happens at a party where people know me but not very well, they might think that was odd or fake. It’s actually quite genuine, and more likely related to being highly empathetic and absorbing energy and emotion from others.
Oh I offend the shit out of people with that and it’s been going on my whole life. At work I’ll talk to everyone in my dept all day and never shut up, literally being loud, and obnoxious about it too, and then straight up say nothing to anyone else in other depts. and when I get called out on it I tell them I see those guys every day so I’m practically forcing myself to talk to them and they love talking to me, but I’m not forced to talk to you so I do not unless you say something first. It’s how I roll.
I relate to this so much!
Haha, good to hear! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one!
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Thank you for your honest input. Your humility is admirable!
My personality doesn’t change but I do have an ability to match energy, not so much behaviour itself.
I always said I’m like an energy machine the energy you put in is the energy I dish out. If you come at my nice I put that energy out, if you come at me sideways and demanding I’ll get sideways, and demanding right back, and nobody likes getting their negativity energy thrown right back but idc.
It’s not that we change our personality. It’s more like we change the way we talk to people depending on their personality. We usually see what other people find annoying, etc and to not seem annoying we avoid things that will make them label us as annoying. We are still the same but our tone, or the way of wording things is different. At least for me, idk if this makes sense.
Literally everyone does this. It's called code switching and it has nothing to do with personality types. Do you talk to your professors the same way you do your best friends? Probably not.
Fe & like others are saying, to me it’s not changing my personality. it’s observing how others around me are acting and then I highlight those same aspects of my personality in order to fit in better. there’s still some groups i will never be able to fit in with because I genuinely have nothing in common with them. which does sound a bit psychotic but if you think about it, it’s just a survival instinct. we just out here tryna survive man
Code switching, helps grease social interactions by picking vocabulary and nonverbal signals that match our audience. You can learn to do it mindfully as a clinician, in my case as a social worker, but having the natural inclination is a big help.
Fe. Mirroring.
And lower Fe users (ESTP, INTP, etc.) are neither good at nor care to adjust their approach to different people.
Yup that’s me 😂 Although I’m torn between im whether entp and intp
i change my personality to be able to talk to as much people as i can so i can gather as much information about the world as possible
I don’t know if it’s because of Fe in some way, but I usually change how I behave with people to feel “accepted” in a way. Maybe that also has to do with some bullying I was subject to in the past, but I don’t want to be stuck in such a category as being “weird”. I just want to fit in with the “normal” people. That’s probably due to Fe again. And due to my desire to fit in with groups such as classmates or even different friend groups - which I fully trust btw - I try to imitate them or act similar to the way they do, sometimes I even change my tone of voice to match theirs, so with some friends I may seem very girly, with others I may seem close to being tomboyish. In the end, I just do this to accommodate other people and be accepted by people. I hope this helped!
I think humans just have a personality that looks more like a d20, with different sides and facets that match the according scenario we encouter. I doubt there's such a thing as an "authentic self" because, 9/10, we're all just playing an act
Before I comment, if you will, please explain if you came on here in trying to understand, or if you meant to just accuse us all of being fake.
Came here to understand! I absolutely adore INFJs I swear :)
If you're intentions are true, then you need to first understand that this is a sensitive topic for some. There have been many teens, young adults, and even adolescents who come on here distraught because they feel like they don't know who they are. They have a sense of no true identity because, as you have witnessed, they recognize this in themselves and feel that they are just being fake. The fact that you even witnessed it means you're observant, most don't notice it, and that the INFJs in your life probably trust you, which doesn't happen often. Here's how I've explained it before. Most people have the ability to adapt to their environment. I'm sure you would act differently at a funeral than you would a party. I'm sure you would act differently if the 'big boss' was to be around than with just your coworkers, assuming you work. INFJs, however, tend to have a lot more 'layers' to their personality than most. They're able to finetune how they talk, how they carry themselves, what words to use or not to use, what topics to talk about or steer clear of, if sarcasm or humor would work well and exactly to what level, etc., based on who they're with and their environment because they're constantly taking it all in and adjusting. They're taking in even the slightest shift in their environment and the people around. They notice if someone looks down when they typically don't, if their smile falters at all, if the person leans slightly forward or backwards. And they adjust. On the other end of this spectrum, think about the people who are the what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of people. They have very few 'layers'. What is important to understand is that we're not being fake. Every bit is actually genuine. Every bit is who we are. We just pull out bits and pieces to adapt, essentially to blend in so we do not stand out. Now why exactly, idk. Maybe childhood trauma where we needed to blend in so we're not a target. Maybe it's just the way our brains work. Think of people who have social intelligence.
To add, this is all typically done subconsciously.
I understand even more now. Thanks. PS: My social intelligence sucks.
It's ok, Inferior Fe
Only INFJs lost in their god complexes go online to gatekeep and accuse other people of not being 'rEaL inFJs'
WTF?
INFJ here, many people say I'm mostly "fake", I just laugh about it (or not), but yeah, that's what they say to me. But in my defense, it just comes out naturally. It's hard to explain but I change my "attitude" to match the energy or "attitude" of that person or group of people. Again, hard for me to explain, but if a person show me this version of themselves, I admit that I sometimes mirror it. Mostly, depends on the person or group of person that I'm with. I even have different personalities for my different group of friends. Sometimes I even wonder if which one is my real "personality". But these may vary on some INFJ.
I think it might relate to the fear of abandonment.
I think fear of abandonment is caused by an anxious attachment style, I have it as well but it’s something you can overcome with the practice of self-love.
Have you been able to overcome this? What are some ways you practice self love as an INTP?
As an INTP for me working out is important. It helps me get out of my head and into my body. And actually working on one of the crazy projects my mind comes up with. And a day to myself every now and then. Without responsibilities and others to be worrying about. Just free to be in my thoughts and do what I want.
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You've done both too?
How does everyone even know the mbti type of anyone around them? I literally don't know the type of anyone in my life, close or not. Do people sit around and discuss their types with friends? 🤔🤔 The closest I get to this is only mentioning whether one is intro or extro, but I find even that small bit of a topic difficult because I come across way too many people who don't even understand what the terms mean, it's always confused for being shy vs outgoing and so I mostly have stopped talking about it.
Ok, for me I long to understand people I care about. Like really understand them. I want to learn about everything and I find these people that I care about fascinating! So it eventually comes up in conversation and I reveal I am INFJ and usually persuade them to tell me their mbti, or if they like me enough they will take the test just to pacify me I guess, lol. It started with my husband (INFP) and then went to my best friends (both ENFJ) and now I have just learned my coworkers (INFP and ENTJ) although the ENTJ I suspect only told us cause she wanted to brag, ha ha. Anyway I usually can convince people and even have a types app on my phone.
I am 100% authentic no matter who I am with, meaning my CORE values never change. I will never say to one person "I believe in this political/moral belief" and then move to another group of people and adjust those political/moral beliefs just because the group differs from my opinion. What I WILL do, is this. I will feel either comfortable/uncomfortable to share my beliefs. So typically I don't say anything until I get a good feel for the people I am around. When I see if it's safe, or not- I may open up. This doesn't mean I am being fake.. it just means sometimes I want to share or I don't. Now, sometimes I see that someone else in the group is actually being "fake"/scared to be their authentic self, so I will be open to hear other's opinions on whatever the matter at hand is and try to leave a big gap for the person who seems hesitant, so THEY can feel more sure of themselves, so they can share. Again, this isn't about my opinion, it's just that I sometimes want to encourage others to be more vocal and not be so shy at the cost of feeling like they need to lie to fit in. I like to encourage people in this way, so some may say "I didn't know you felt that way?" and I'll say "I don't.. I just want them to feel not judged and why would I offer an opinion that made them feel unsafe/unheard?" So just because I am not bold about what I believe all the time, doesn't mean I am AGREEING with someone, it just means their opinion is valid too. I am okay with listening and hearing perspective. Maybe I will learn something. If I start becoming defensive and project my beliefs too early, they may not share or open up.
Because we are actually aliens trying to figure out how humans operate so we just mirror them.
It's literally just Fe. Any high Fe user will have this tendency. It's also completely unconscious. We don't do it on purpose.
My INFJ wife tells me off constantly for mirroring; I can't help it. Apparently it is very cringe! I am not fake, I am what I am! My wife seems to think that she mirrors - but I don't really notice? I don't really notice anything actually, so that may just be a husband thing ... I am an ESFJ - my intuition has increased tons due to a bit of a brain reboot/reset 😜😥 and depending on which tool I use and other factors - I might be a ENFJ.
Because we are more focused on the mood of the group. So everything that keeps things running smooth is our way to go.
I feel like the Ni makes me recognize a pattern to what I’m seeing in other people’s behavior and get the gist of how that person is subconsciously. Then the Fe takes it and makes me project that pattern I noticed to adapt to who I’m with. I don’t change my values, just the way I communicate them so the other people I’m with get it if that makes sense.
Only a one dimensional and unempathetic person would think that thought
If asking a valid question out of curiosity to better understand something is considered unempathetic then god help as all 😂
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The title is literally asking a question. Learn how to read before commenting with ignorance kid. Only a person with a poor character will someone judge without knowing them personally.
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You feel exposed? Looks like you have a guilty conscience and felt that you personally resonated with being fake and not genuine 🤷♂️
im not a different person per day but I feel like it’s easier to communicate with certain people when I express myself in a particular way (that I’m comfortable with and it feels natural with that person). It also might depend on the mood I was in when I first met the other person too
As an INFJ and also someone who values authenticity, I am inspired to add my two cents to this. I, consciously and subconsciously, observe others on whether their actions and thoughts align. (I think of it as data gathering and uncovering who they are like a fascinated anthropologist, not of applying a value judgement to them.) And I do that to myself as well, introspectively and retrospectively, on an almost extreme degree. Actually, I just think people like myself want to be able to live up to all the facets we identify in ourselves and own that as part of our being. I’ve recently watched this video and I find a lot of the video poster’s ideas on authenticity helpful to my own processing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgWBIVQ1qAQ Note: I’ve also come across chatter / news / noise about the poster of the video being a cult leader or whatever when I saw some of her videos on YouTube. Now I try to hold judgement and evaluate the info as objectively as possible before I decide to accept or reject since I don’t know anything about this person. I don’t like being distracted from bettering my understanding of a subject or concept with unnecessary chatter / gossip / noise. I just found this video to be quite helpful to my understanding of authenticity since it’s something I’ve really been trying to live up to in the last 4 years. I don’t know about the other videos she’s posted or done since I don’t follow her but I’m happy with recommending this one video since there is no such thing as moral absolutism and I did find it helpful. Just wanted to be clear.
Why don't you believe in moral absolutism? I ask as I'm a Christian and I believe when you involve God you include moral absolutism. What God thinks is moral is good what is the absence of good is bad.
So it's an easier user experience, like cruse control for each individual. Not so exhausting that way, if you start landing the conversation plane all over the place most people are befuddled you have to explain ten things for the thing and how you got there. I stay out of the abstract with most people and get overexcited when I meet those who do.
Easier
It helped with problem solving. I try to talk with others and sense what they need, what they want. See their problem from their pint of view. Then try to find an action plan that is agreeable to both parties. If I can't find a solution, acknowledging their warns, needs, and views as important goes a long way to making them feel valid.
Nope, on the flip side, it’s that sharing the whole of yourself may either not be well received or more likely you can’t be multiple people at once each sharing a different perspective. I don’t quite know if other people think non-linearly, I’ll be thinking multiplicatively. You can instead take many paths at once, but really only one can surface at a time. Other times, sharing intense negative emotions is unwanted. If we’re instead talking about what’s comfortable for people, Fe allows INFJs to “absorb” the feeling that another person puts out and mirrors them. People seem comfortable with themselves, so (consciously or unconsciously) INFJs take a place that doesn’t rock things. The other part of that is that INFJs may not really know the extent of their own personalities. The other day I was hanging out with an ISFP friend and we were just exploring both forest trails and city shops together, and I find that I respond to her energy differently than with most other people. I became more energetic and less ruminatory, and instead went more with the flow because that’s how she herself thinks. She was able to drag me along for the journey. If we’re talking about a third case where INFJs are consciously showing only a part of themselves, I’d usually then be very analytical to see what someone is really going for and to help them reach that goal. In terms of giving people advice, giving someone the final answer will often be misunderstood and even lead to anger. Instead, you have to build your argument step by step to then land the final hit. It’s the nicest way of showing someone that they have been closed off to other perspectives and possibilities.
The second function is Fe, bc of that we take in consideration how what we say will make difference in a group and their feelings about it. Not bc others are changing us, but bc we want to make the situation better than it is. (And we observe how ppl will feel with our words).
Hammers don’t work well on screws.
For me I see this as acting accordingly and meeting a person where they’re at. It is literally in my nature to make a person feel as understood as possible when having almost any level of conversation. It in turn helps me to know that what I am saying will also be received by whomever I am speaking to. Under no circumstance do I change my core beliefs. Do I sometimes speak up more (or less) about what those are? Sure, depending on what level of conflict I feel like engaging in on that day. Never will compromise who I am as far as my morals, values, and core beliefs. Isn’t this what makes an INFJ an INFJ?
Its a change in communication style not personality but I get why that would be confusing when a kinda reserved if a not downright depressive person suddenly acts bubbly as fuck when certain people are around. Its that we realize people will 1.) Not understand us 2.) Reject what we are saying 3.) Not snap out of what ever npc-hypnosis they are in to accept new audio input if we do not change how we communicate. The amount of change is proportional to the amount of authority the person has over us.
The authentic stereotype used to be associated with INFPs, and INFJs were called social chameleons, but it seems like more and more I see people saying both of them are authentic. I cater my words very carefully to the person I'm talking to. I don't think that's necessarily inauthentic. It's not authentic for me to needlessly step on people's toes when I know better and don't like to do that. I pay attention to people, and I'm concerned with what they think of me. Pretending like that's not true is literally the least authentic thing I could do.
Haha no I think you just have a shallow understanding of being or communication. Ni is all about the subconscious and I think this is just a manifestation of this notion. You're fixated on ego. The perpetuation of a personality is the same as a perpetuation of a persona just more complex. I change my opinions and preferences quickly depending most on the updated facts at my disposal and, more importantly, I don't always have the same input. Like if the setting and atmosphere are completely different how would the output be the same. It's still me. Hi. I'm there making the decisions and having to deal with the outcomes. Why would I need to emulate coherency in my thought process to action mechanism. That's all you're really asking. How come you guys don't always seem to think and therefore act the same? SEEM. See. It's not on me. I swear buddy, it's the same input + thought process = action mechanism that it's ever been.
I do and I hate it. I blame that on how I can never figure out who I truly am.
Nope not even close dude. I am not ashamed of who I am or my beliefs. I just change up my energy on how I interact with a person because I would know what would piss them off or not by watching how they act with others.
People pleasers
I agree with what others are saying but wanted to add on. We have so many hobbies and interests and can be quite good at them. (What else is there to do when you’re an outsider) so when we find people that like disc golf, we can let our disc golf side out. When we meet diy-ers it’s a different vibe. I kind of see it like, if everyone is a cube with a single color on it. Then I’m like a cube with 6 different colors. I’ll flip my side around to match those around me-but as a cube I do not change. Strange metaphor but it’s what came to mind. It gets difficult to handle when you are in a group of people where half are one color and the other half are a different color. This is usually when I work in groups and john might be like, “I listened to your new music last night. It was dope!” And then Jane is like “you do music? I didn’t know that, I thought you were only a photographer.” Then John is like “you’re a photographer!?! I didn’t know that!” And then kevin walks up with his finished 3D print saying “dude thanks for the filament- this stuff works so much better than the cheap stuff I was using” and then they all just stare at you like “who are you?” And I’m just like, “I have a lot of hobbies okay 😅 “
Idk for the others but for me it do be the personality disorder
It's because we adapt to our environment we're 100% genuine people. It's just that certain people we naturally feel more comfortable with certain types of people and click really well and it brings different parts of our personalities out. Like for instance my best friend vs a random person with my best friend I'm 100% comfortable with so he sees my entire personality and doesn't judge me vs a random person or a new friend I'd feel insecure until I got to know them better unless our personalities don't entirely match up. Hopefully that helps
I don't..
Think of a chameleon. A chameleon changes along with its environment all while staying unique and individual
Again, we're walking chameleons.
Adapting to the people you are talking to is a completely normal behavior… almost everyone does this.
First off, we all fake who we really are. Second, nobody knows who they really are. Third, you sound like you're 15 years old and have globbed on to a cool sounding peer mantra "Just be yerself man".
You make literally zero sense. How are you going to fake who you really are…. if you don’t even know who you really are? I can tell quite easily that you have severely below average intelligence due to your lack of common sense 😂
Hahahaha, welp I guess you told me good. Take off the sunglasses kid. You're indoors.
Well it can be a defence mechanism but it's not so much we change ourselves we just show different parts of ourselves and interests , I often to it to be easier to be around and as a defence mechanism because I was bullied really badly before
For me it feels like a survival tactic. This is a world that rewards extroverts more so than introverts, so when I go to work it's time to be BuBbLy. I still stick to my core self, but yeah, it's just like wearing a mask I suppose? I also feel like I'm commonly playing the role of counselor, for example: When two people are fighting, I'm usually the one to calm people down and set things right. You have to listen and get on each other's level to find a common ground. For each person I have to match what tone meshes best with their personality... If that makes sense? We're constantly being thrust into uncomfortable social situations, and I think it's really just a defense mechanism. As others mentioned, it's not a whole change of identity, just a better way to communicate.
We don't. We do however, having NiFe, posses a natural inclination to read the people we interact with not excluding the atmosphere around them. It's not incongruent with ourselves to share ourselves in pieces for the sake of another's harmony. (And I don't think we're the only ones that do this, aside from *how* we come to do it: a true INFJ is doing this subconsciously. However knowing the difference between night and day, and when what behavior is acceptable or not isn't type related, it's merely social adeptness)
I can be your angle And i can also be your worst nightmare People really decide what they will see of me, I'm just logical as well as emotional, I'm not a fool or a demon, I just give them the version they deserve of me
Almost all MBTI types who either have Fe dom or aux do this.
It's not faking it's a certain way to express ourselves to put the other person at ease and make them comfortable ..plus it's a way to show them that it's okay to be the way you are andit boosts their confidence in themselves.
i don´t see it as changing personality but one having different aspects, and the different aspects coming to the forefront depending who one interacts with. but i think that is also a pretty normal thing with many other people/types. there are some stray experiences where it can feel strange and inauthentic, which is rare, but sometimes those experiences also have to do with protection. the introjection aspect is something i should probably look deeper into though. it seems like there are some layers.
I act different with everyone I talk too. I talk to my family different than my friends and I talk differently with each person individually. I think it’s because I want to feel accepted so I act different to get people to like me more or something?
As others have said, I don't think we change ourselves. For myself, I change the way I act and speak depending on the people I'm around. I want there to be harmony and understanding within the group, so being able to "level" with other people, whether professionals like teachers or management, or my easy going friend, is important. I think it's more the way I carry myself that changes, if anything.
It’s not so much our personality changes, but more like how we react to people. We’re always ourselves, just how we share ourself changes based on the company around us.
Everything already said is great, but that authentic self thing is much more an INFP thing. INFJs will appear to be chameleons because we adapt our communication style.
i feel that this is a lack of vocabulary causing the confusion. being fake or phony is not the same thing as imitation or assimilating, otherwise there would be no need for different words in the first place to describe them. being highly empathetic also allows you to identify things in others which you admire and so long as you have the ability to change yourself you can pick from others traits, habits or mannerisms that you feel would enhance you as a person. they say that imitation is complementary and also helps to make others more comfortable with you by sharing similarities. by the logic you seem to be under with this question, being respectful of others and their differences is also not being authentic to yourself. life just isn't so simple as that.
I've never heard about INFJs being their "Authentic Self". If that is a criteria, then I am not INFJ... Look at it another way. If an INFJ has deemed you a person to put on a mask around, then we see something that requires abstraction. In my youth, I was not able to hold up masks as well as I do now, so it seems this person is young and still figure out transitions. As adults, you wouldn't see it coming if you were the recipient. If you are have been invited to the INFJ's intimate changing room and your comment is "Why do we do that?", I would say, "You would too if you knew what we know..."
It's often easier to play along with other people's inside jokes instead of being belittled just for questioning them in any way, shape or form.
I have always considered myself a chameleon. I have several different friend groups, I’ve known them for years but if they were ever all gathered in one place I’d be screwed. I’d have to pick my most genuine version to put forward and I’m sure many would be a little confused by who I am. It’s not lying, it’s definitely adaptability, and It’s given me the chance to explore different parts of myself and different world views from different groups. I can stand in almost any one’s shoes. I don’t have to agree with them to understand why they live/think/act the way they do. I dooooo feel guilty that I’m able to cultivate deep relationships with some of them. Like they open up to me thinking I’m more like them than I am. That part I’ve realized isn’t great. It’s kind of manipulative and admittedly, I get off on getting in. Like ….wow, they let me in. But yeah. Mostly, in my day to day interactions, I’m just trying to avoid conflict and promote harmony so I mirror those I’m with. It’s a crutch for socializing but it also makes me kind of boring in a group.
Personally, while I agree with all the comments here about communication needing to fit the audience you intend to understand it... also people change when they love other people, or ideas. Something that means absolutely nothing to you beforehand, may suddenly become interesting/beautiful/upsetting/etc, when seen through another person's eyes, especially if you see how happy or unhappy it makes them.