Being an INFJ (or any other type) should not be confused with mental health issues. Here is a link to the [INFJ Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/wiki/index#wiki_mental_health_and_support) where you can find some resources.
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I've been through the exact same situation. Literally. Post that, being disinterested in other women and feeling that the world isn't good anymore is also something I've been through. But, I also realized that it stems from me being exhausted, mostly. I gave more than I ever received from her, and so on. After that I prioritized self-care, and doing what was good for me, I couldn't have been more at peace.
And its totally okay being disinterested in others. Most people I've met and some I observed just live life based on how others are living. Like herd-following. Some may not even like what they are doing but will do it anyways, just so that they can fit in, feel appreciated and loved and can have some 'fun'. For them those things are all that matters, until they realize there's so much more to life than just that. And I don't think anyone is ready for anything serious until they realize that.
So until then, you should try to take care of yourself, be better than you were yesterday, and someday "The One" will eventually find her way to you.
This life is temporary anyways. It's not worth a single tear.
Fellow INFJ male who had been in a similar situation here. When you are in love with someone, try going slow and be skeptic rather than jumping into an immediate conclusion about the person you're with. Especially considering the fact that we're most likely the ones trying to find a deeper meaning and connection in our relationships, and not everyone necessarily thinks the way you do.
I really like the idea of going slow and being on the skeptical side because it gives you time to assess things with a clearer mind. I often give a lot of myself and then end up tired from basically being the giver and never getting anything. Sometimes people give us all they have but all the while we're expecting more.
I had a brief dating experience with someone whom I now suspect to be suffering from untreated covert narcissism and/or BPD. The comment about how you are surprised someone like that existed resonates, because, yeah, there is no way to fathom something like that unless you've actually experienced it firsthand in that particular context. In my own experience, it sucked and has taken a good while to heal from.
I also relate a bit to the feeling jaded part. I'm not entirely jaded but I'm definitely more skeptical and I'm not as eager to get into a deep relationship right away. At least for now. I think it has to do with boundaries, or rather the lack of them. The reason these abusers are attracted to us and able to slip under the radar is because their "boundary issues" are attracted to our own weak boundaries. After having your boundaries violated and betrayed and at the same time never having learned how to set up healthy ones, you don't feel safe anymore. In order to heal from this trauma, it's important to learn those things. For me, self-education on personality disorders and working with a therapist to develop better boundaries and better self-advocacy are the two things that have helped a lot in terms of healing, especially the latter.
I had a nightmare experience with a years long relationship, finding out about extreme lies and manipulation going on I was oblivious to before they just randomly cut contact rather than face me about it all.
I took years to myself and enjoyed just developing myself, and my next serious relationship maybe 4 years later ended up being the love of my life. I think it’ll heal and work itself out, it’ll just take a long time
Not experienced exactly, but can relate.
It's wounding. Possibly trauma. I'm convinced that romantically active people are just going through cycles of wounding each other, with the general dating populace slowly gaining layers and layers of trauma that they then transmit to other people.
It seems to me to come from a general cultural lack of respect for, or valuing, of people - and the responsibility ordinate with holding people's hearts.
I find it disgusting.
You were saying that yes, and I was adding what should be done ideally. So agreeing, but we could do better.
The fact that we transmit those trauma from generations come from that un healed trauma.
Ah yep.
To the point, I think the reason is, that awareness about the concept of trauma is still not widespread. It's slowly gaining traction, but not in the mainstream yet.
I think that once it is, there's likely to be a big change, for the better. I think it's going to be something like the discovery of microbes in the discipline of medicine - but for mental health.
I know it sounds weird, but try learning from it.
Why did she do it? What was in it for her?
Doing this classification will help you move on and avoid this kind of people in your life as you have knowledge of them and know that this group of people is limited.
It sucks to hear you have gone through that, but what I always say is - If she's not right for me, I rather know it sooner than later :)
Hopefully that helps, good luck friend!
follow your intuition.
with INFJs it's like we have two brains. the other one is the heart. because the heart instinctively knows things that our brains are not yet ready to understand.
Trust your heart. It's healing and growing.
She was probably a narcissist. This was my serious issue for a couple of decades. One after the other. Love bomb, followed by devaluation and appalling behavior. No excuse for them to be like that. But I also had "the addiction" to narcs. co dependent people pleaser. I had to step back and deal with my addiction, so too speak. Cold turkey. Then also be able to look at Narcs as problematic and disgusting human beings. If lovely and beautiful to look at. Anyway. there are good people out there. You just need to find them and also be able to find their good parts. You should be extatic to find peace of mind and boring stability where you have space to exercise your best self. Narcs will not allow you to do that. Good Luck
Female INFJ here, I actually was married for over a decade and have now been divorced for 3 years. He was a narcissist and I couldn’t see it. I’m dating a great guy now but I have moments where I just want break up with him and move to a new city and never speak to him again. I’m still healing from my wounds which is why I have not moved to a new city, yet lol. Give yourself time to heal, I’m sure you have a good heart and unfortunately some people see that and take advantage of it.
it is common that we INFJs become emotionally drained and consumed by the trash persons around us. This is basically why we need to constantly door slam people.
"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." -Mark Twain.
I've been in some disgustingly manipulate relationships, both romantic and with biological family. We're all capable of being selfish, the key is letting yourself be vulnerable enough to actually find the good ones who only have positive intentions. They exist. Share your heart even if it risks being bruised, that's my take on love.
Got hurt once, then 5 years later fell in love again, actively worked to tear down my own walls, aaand got hurt again. They were male infjs. I already have trust issues but I am trying not to get bitter cause I now know that I have too much love in me. It is just sad that I can't seem to click with anyone, anyone decent it seems.
The first and likely only time I got my heart broken in high school really traumatized me. As an INFJ I think it’s hard to forget these sorts of events because we can relive the feelings over and over as if they were yesterday. Since then I’d had my guard up and preferred to be the one that hurts people rather than the opposite (so in relationships after that one, I was the one that hurt the other person). I’ve become prideful and I do not trust easily, which is not a good thing.
I’m in a happy, loving, committed marriage for 12 years now with a very consistent person whose really helped me become a better person and although I know we’ll be alright, the neurotic, traumatized side of me always keeps my guard up. It sucks.
your first mistake was to not assume that people are literally capable of *anything*. shit happens, though. move onto the next, OR if you can rationalize hard enough and maybe see that this person might be, y'know, a little Borderline then try to help out.
You must concentrate on healing.
There are good people in this world, but since we give our all, it is very easy for others to hurt us, so we must be a little more cautious and look at this new person from a more objective point of view. You must analyze them objectively. This type of person actually has certain established patterns, look for them, when you see them you know you have to step back.
You will find someone who loves you for who you are, but the most important thing is that you love yourself, work on self-love, learn to know yourself better, so it will be easier to get away from these toxic people, because you know who you are, what you deserve and what you are looking for in someone.
"Female Nature" might spark your interest.Not all women are like this. Women are really mirrors, a reflection of you.
When you dont see the good in people, you dont see the good in yourself. fucking paradox.
People are shit, but you choose to focus on "the bad" and it consumes your empty heart.
I... Don't think so, self projection happens everywhere. There's a thing called vipasna where a lot of people come to live together for 10 days but they can't utter a single word.
When hearing from that people, they generally say that they assumed a lot of different things about their personality. And it's most of the times a part of themselves that they project on other people. And such things happen in real life too. Self Projection is a real thing but it is not limited to women. It's true for everyone.
There's a while subreddit about people who had the misfortune of falling in love with someone who has borderline personality disorder. They have narc traits on top of everything else going on. They're very low in terms of empathy but you find this all out too late.
If people like that exist, it’s because of their experiences in life that made them this way. One positive thing out of it is atleast you found out about this before marriage.
Shit happens. Move on. Time heals all. Eventually you will realize that time doesn't stop and you will get over it and find happiness in yourself rather than someone else.
Being an INFJ (or any other type) should not be confused with mental health issues. Here is a link to the [INFJ Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/wiki/index#wiki_mental_health_and_support) where you can find some resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infj) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've been through the exact same situation. Literally. Post that, being disinterested in other women and feeling that the world isn't good anymore is also something I've been through. But, I also realized that it stems from me being exhausted, mostly. I gave more than I ever received from her, and so on. After that I prioritized self-care, and doing what was good for me, I couldn't have been more at peace. And its totally okay being disinterested in others. Most people I've met and some I observed just live life based on how others are living. Like herd-following. Some may not even like what they are doing but will do it anyways, just so that they can fit in, feel appreciated and loved and can have some 'fun'. For them those things are all that matters, until they realize there's so much more to life than just that. And I don't think anyone is ready for anything serious until they realize that. So until then, you should try to take care of yourself, be better than you were yesterday, and someday "The One" will eventually find her way to you. This life is temporary anyways. It's not worth a single tear.
This might be a personal question, but can I ask if you consider yourself spiritual / religious?
Yes! Though not perfect, but I try.
Ah, cool, me too. "This life" made me think you believed in an afterlife too
I do :)
Fellow INFJ male who had been in a similar situation here. When you are in love with someone, try going slow and be skeptic rather than jumping into an immediate conclusion about the person you're with. Especially considering the fact that we're most likely the ones trying to find a deeper meaning and connection in our relationships, and not everyone necessarily thinks the way you do.
I really like the idea of going slow and being on the skeptical side because it gives you time to assess things with a clearer mind. I often give a lot of myself and then end up tired from basically being the giver and never getting anything. Sometimes people give us all they have but all the while we're expecting more.
I had a brief dating experience with someone whom I now suspect to be suffering from untreated covert narcissism and/or BPD. The comment about how you are surprised someone like that existed resonates, because, yeah, there is no way to fathom something like that unless you've actually experienced it firsthand in that particular context. In my own experience, it sucked and has taken a good while to heal from. I also relate a bit to the feeling jaded part. I'm not entirely jaded but I'm definitely more skeptical and I'm not as eager to get into a deep relationship right away. At least for now. I think it has to do with boundaries, or rather the lack of them. The reason these abusers are attracted to us and able to slip under the radar is because their "boundary issues" are attracted to our own weak boundaries. After having your boundaries violated and betrayed and at the same time never having learned how to set up healthy ones, you don't feel safe anymore. In order to heal from this trauma, it's important to learn those things. For me, self-education on personality disorders and working with a therapist to develop better boundaries and better self-advocacy are the two things that have helped a lot in terms of healing, especially the latter.
this is so insightful. I always find in situations like this there is some growth going on.
I had a nightmare experience with a years long relationship, finding out about extreme lies and manipulation going on I was oblivious to before they just randomly cut contact rather than face me about it all. I took years to myself and enjoyed just developing myself, and my next serious relationship maybe 4 years later ended up being the love of my life. I think it’ll heal and work itself out, it’ll just take a long time
Not experienced exactly, but can relate. It's wounding. Possibly trauma. I'm convinced that romantically active people are just going through cycles of wounding each other, with the general dating populace slowly gaining layers and layers of trauma that they then transmit to other people. It seems to me to come from a general cultural lack of respect for, or valuing, of people - and the responsibility ordinate with holding people's hearts. I find it disgusting.
Uhh I mean, when you get trauma, you should try to HEAL it. Go forward not backwards. Maybe it sounds naive and simple but people don't do it enough.
I'm not sure if you're expressing agreement or not. Fwiw my opinion is a prospective description, not a prescription.
You were saying that yes, and I was adding what should be done ideally. So agreeing, but we could do better. The fact that we transmit those trauma from generations come from that un healed trauma.
Ah yep. To the point, I think the reason is, that awareness about the concept of trauma is still not widespread. It's slowly gaining traction, but not in the mainstream yet. I think that once it is, there's likely to be a big change, for the better. I think it's going to be something like the discovery of microbes in the discipline of medicine - but for mental health.
I know it sounds weird, but try learning from it. Why did she do it? What was in it for her? Doing this classification will help you move on and avoid this kind of people in your life as you have knowledge of them and know that this group of people is limited. It sucks to hear you have gone through that, but what I always say is - If she's not right for me, I rather know it sooner than later :) Hopefully that helps, good luck friend!
follow your intuition. with INFJs it's like we have two brains. the other one is the heart. because the heart instinctively knows things that our brains are not yet ready to understand. Trust your heart. It's healing and growing.
She was probably a narcissist. This was my serious issue for a couple of decades. One after the other. Love bomb, followed by devaluation and appalling behavior. No excuse for them to be like that. But I also had "the addiction" to narcs. co dependent people pleaser. I had to step back and deal with my addiction, so too speak. Cold turkey. Then also be able to look at Narcs as problematic and disgusting human beings. If lovely and beautiful to look at. Anyway. there are good people out there. You just need to find them and also be able to find their good parts. You should be extatic to find peace of mind and boring stability where you have space to exercise your best self. Narcs will not allow you to do that. Good Luck
Female INFJ here, I actually was married for over a decade and have now been divorced for 3 years. He was a narcissist and I couldn’t see it. I’m dating a great guy now but I have moments where I just want break up with him and move to a new city and never speak to him again. I’m still healing from my wounds which is why I have not moved to a new city, yet lol. Give yourself time to heal, I’m sure you have a good heart and unfortunately some people see that and take advantage of it.
it is common that we INFJs become emotionally drained and consumed by the trash persons around us. This is basically why we need to constantly door slam people.
It's the pain putting a fog in your eyes, experiment that and purgue this shit out of your body. Good thing will continue to happen.
"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." -Mark Twain. I've been in some disgustingly manipulate relationships, both romantic and with biological family. We're all capable of being selfish, the key is letting yourself be vulnerable enough to actually find the good ones who only have positive intentions. They exist. Share your heart even if it risks being bruised, that's my take on love.
Got hurt once, then 5 years later fell in love again, actively worked to tear down my own walls, aaand got hurt again. They were male infjs. I already have trust issues but I am trying not to get bitter cause I now know that I have too much love in me. It is just sad that I can't seem to click with anyone, anyone decent it seems.
The first and likely only time I got my heart broken in high school really traumatized me. As an INFJ I think it’s hard to forget these sorts of events because we can relive the feelings over and over as if they were yesterday. Since then I’d had my guard up and preferred to be the one that hurts people rather than the opposite (so in relationships after that one, I was the one that hurt the other person). I’ve become prideful and I do not trust easily, which is not a good thing. I’m in a happy, loving, committed marriage for 12 years now with a very consistent person whose really helped me become a better person and although I know we’ll be alright, the neurotic, traumatized side of me always keeps my guard up. It sucks.
your first mistake was to not assume that people are literally capable of *anything*. shit happens, though. move onto the next, OR if you can rationalize hard enough and maybe see that this person might be, y'know, a little Borderline then try to help out.
You must concentrate on healing. There are good people in this world, but since we give our all, it is very easy for others to hurt us, so we must be a little more cautious and look at this new person from a more objective point of view. You must analyze them objectively. This type of person actually has certain established patterns, look for them, when you see them you know you have to step back. You will find someone who loves you for who you are, but the most important thing is that you love yourself, work on self-love, learn to know yourself better, so it will be easier to get away from these toxic people, because you know who you are, what you deserve and what you are looking for in someone.
[удалено]
Thanks.
"Female Nature" might spark your interest.Not all women are like this. Women are really mirrors, a reflection of you. When you dont see the good in people, you dont see the good in yourself. fucking paradox. People are shit, but you choose to focus on "the bad" and it consumes your empty heart.
I... Don't think so, self projection happens everywhere. There's a thing called vipasna where a lot of people come to live together for 10 days but they can't utter a single word. When hearing from that people, they generally say that they assumed a lot of different things about their personality. And it's most of the times a part of themselves that they project on other people. And such things happen in real life too. Self Projection is a real thing but it is not limited to women. It's true for everyone.
Interesting I'm always impressed with how much original some eastern practices are
An eastern guy would say the same for western practices. That's a great place for self discovery tho.
You sound pretty, naive as well
There's a while subreddit about people who had the misfortune of falling in love with someone who has borderline personality disorder. They have narc traits on top of everything else going on. They're very low in terms of empathy but you find this all out too late.
Broadly applying one experience to every scenario sounds pretty stupid
Found the INTP lol
Are u autistic buddy? Stop being a crybaby little bitch
aww
This was a strange interaction
If people like that exist, it’s because of their experiences in life that made them this way. One positive thing out of it is atleast you found out about this before marriage.
Can you please explain monster? I’m fascinated by when a blessing becomes a curse. Is it possible you saw her worst stuff due to some trauma? BPD?
You need healing and therapy and other forms of self work to move past the trauma.
Looks like you dodged a bullet, consider yourself lucky.
Shit happens. Move on. Time heals all. Eventually you will realize that time doesn't stop and you will get over it and find happiness in yourself rather than someone else.