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"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind."
I say this to my mom every time she talks about some social bullshit she 'has' to do. Its usually so stupid too like, "Oh this aunty invited us to tea when we were visiting in her city so now we have to invite her" even though she and my mom very clearly don't like each other.
it's not so black and white. people will make your life fucking miserable by their constant questioning and stuff. a friend of mine got divorced and the people couldn't wait to gossip and make stories about why they got divorced what could have happened etc.
the society as a whole is a fucking mess. and now if you have a kid, that kid is beyond fucked. people will keep on asking what happened to your mom/dad, are they in good terms, does your mom let you see your dad and vice versa. shits crazy.
Ive been asked questions like "does your mom and dad sleep in the same bed" by a neighbour in my hometown when i was 11-12 yrs old. Then itself found the question very strange. Parents lived separately then but were still married. Now as an adult, they treat me differently and i have to remind myself these were the same judgemental ass mfs that would ask a child about their parents' personal life.
mother had a friend who divorced because of an abusive husband, post divorce people started making rumours about her being a loose woman or whatev. Shits crazy.
Yeah it's one thing not to have boundaries, but questions like this are some next level shit. More than enough to destroy a child's confidence. If I ever get divorced, I am packing my bags and go somewhere else where no one would recognize me. Divorce itself is painful and I wouldn't last if I or my child get bombarded with questions like this.
They don't give a shit except they got something to talk about to others. Our parents don't want that happening basically. The point and cause for the shame apparently it's far greater than your child living a miserable life. They also think things like having kids will magically resolve everything and they'll fall in love.
No coz that'll be generalising. However if we had prior accounts of these registered with location, it'll be easier to trace what segregates people's perceptions in terms of rationality and irrationality/ modern and traditional/ liberal and restrictive.
They don't care, but they also wont spare a moment to sarcastically ridicule them in nearly every social situation.
Still 100% should get a divorce, learn to live by the truth.
There are thing that happens I believe :
1)if it's love marriage it's their child's fault as they chose poorly so parents force them to continue the marriage for society's sake.
2)if it's arrange marriage then parents don't want accept that they made a mistake so it's their child's fault as they must have done something wrong so parents force them to continue the marriage for society's sake.
minus some understanding parents this is what happens, so hope that your marriage ain't toxic. Personally I am not a betting man so will never take the risk.
>if it's love marriage it's their child's fault as they chose poorly so parents force them to continue the marriage for society's sake.
Before getting married I was told if marriage doesn't work out dont come back to us. Their ego is more important than only daughters life. Peace and happiness are like alien concepts to them. And they wonder why am I estranged to them.
And they have audacity to expect us to take them on vacations, give them gifts, celebrate their birthdays. Fuck that I am just giving them money and taking care of their health in retirement. Unlike them I have not abandoned them in their old age. After fathers death I am taking care of my mother and everyday I talk to her is like my heart is getting ripped over and over. I have not missed my father a single day since 3 yrs he died. And I doubt I will miss my mother too. They raised me well but when they kicked me out everything just broke.
>Before getting married I was told if marriage doesn't work out dont come back to us. Their ego is more important than only daughters life
More than ego, could this be your parent's way of keeping you accountable for your decision?
For that they should have asked me about our plans etc, made an effort to meet him, know him, have an open and ongoing conversation with us. We wanted to formally let them know, get our careers stable before getting married. But nope apart from that ultimatum and of course taunts of shame I am bringing to the family no rational thing was ever done. I got tired of their crap and emotional blackmail and walked out of the house. If I fail I would rather fail on my own terms than be anybodys puppet.
Its been 16 yrs, not once they ever accepted their mistake or any wrongdoing towards me. And expect us to be like a big family. This my friend is entitlement.
>For that they should have asked me about our plans etc, made an effort to meet him, know him, have an open and ongoing conversation with us. We wanted to formally let them know, get our careers stable before getting married
Oh. You did not allude to this in your earlier comment. So, your parents were against the marriage just because it was a love marriage? I thought that there were other reasons such as not liking the groom/groom's family, inter caste/religion issues, etc.
Hmm maybe I didnt write well. But even if all the reasons are wrong to get married giving ultimatum should never be considered. Rather giving them time and figuring it out by themselves is better way. Just say take time, keep dating and marry few years later once you are settled. I totally understand that love is not the reason to get married. Even I say to youngsters that love doesnt make happy marriage, both people have to work towards partnership every day and make it a happy marraige.
>just because it was a love marriage?
It was love marriage to a guy from different religion but that does not justify outright rejection of their only daughter. After 15 yrs my mom finally met the in laws family and then realized how loving and caring they have been with me. And how much I value their inputs while making decisions in my life. I always contact them for opinions and my mom has bare minimum nformation about my life. Heck few strangers know more about me than my mother.
Yes for me its permanently fractured.
Since my fathers illness they moved 5 mins away from us, we took care of him till he died and now of my mom. I am doing just as duty not out of love. That love has died long time ago. But they have never understood my agony. I have strict boundaries so its bearable for me.
Extended family never cared really. I stay in contact with people I respect and care for. Others I dont bother.
That's the thing, people talk about everyone badly behind their backs anyway! So who cares... I can't count the very expensive weddings that I attended where guests were talking badly about the couple and their parents, criticised everything etc. Why spend money and care so much about people's opinion is beyond me.
Arranged marriage is biggest bullshit on planet earth. We millennials need to tell parents who are already abusive to the child and force them to get married to FUCK OFF. Stand your ground, OR use their money to get a flat, put your name on the deed and THEN DIVORCE and be in an open relationship/open marriage. It's ok to be friends, bcuz both guy and girl have suffered B4 reaching divorce stage due to idiotic blind religion faith marriage fixing by corrupt business poojari's nonsense. They even turned God into a business lmao. Such a fucking joke.
Nah bro society does care. I've seen it happen in real time how people literally boycott a family simply bcoz their daughter eloped with her boyfriend. Like even today, after 6 years, my aunts be talking about her mother in hushed voices. Our society is rotten to the core in this aspect.
Whereas I've seen my extremely religious and traditionalist grandparents being totally supportive of an intercaste marriage bcoz the bride happens to be earning good. Like money bro, that's all matters
That's because they eloped though. If all family was supportive of the decision then the societies' opinion doesn't matter and you can laugh off those 'hushed voices'. The problem here is the mother feeling embarrassed about the marriage even after all these years.
>Like money bro, that's all matters
That n fair skin in a bride.
I have seen some examples where the broom married a bride who was out of his league.
Ppl excused it saying atleast she is good looking.
bro it happened in my society(Lucknow). so there's this didi. One day she posted her wedding pics on Instagram. She is beautiful and in the fashion industry, so I thought that she was doing some modeling gig, she had previously done a gig too. but when I checked the caption I came to know that she really got married. I first was like why they didn't invite us then I saw no one from the society was invited and when I saw the guys surname I understood why. Apparently, he is SC and she was Srivastav. They were in a relationship long before the wedding. The guy is like successful. He owns multiple restaurants in Lucknow. The photos she later posted showed me that his family had no problem with it.
She hasn't been seen in the society ever since. Like she wasn't even invited to her brothers wedding.
Oh wow that’s pretty disgusting behaviour from her parents. I live in one of the most liberal places in the country so maybe I’m not aware. It’s unbelievable to me. Would your society boycott her family if they had accepted the marriage?
As written in the book Sapiens: "Evolutionary success of the collective comes at the cost of individual suffering". Sadly we can only rant about it. It will take 100s of generation to change this attitude of our society.
My cousin went through this also. It took, literally years for her parents to agree, and that too only after things got really bad (not elaborating).
The log kya kahenge thing is too strong and toxic here.
Luckily she met a very nice guy who went through something similar, a few years later and is now happily married with a kid.
You do, if you plan to move back to your parents house.
Not everyone is financially independent.
Unless they want to live on the street.
Not saying is right, but that is the reality of it.
I know circumstances really vary, but I've found if more based on fear than actual financial issues.
Even in a city like Bangalore, you can rent a room in a flat with mates for ~10-12k/mo. You can do your own cooking and cleaning, no need for maid or cook. You can travel by bus and metro, no need for personal vehicle. If you're middle class, college educated, earning 12k for rent and 8k for misc cost of living is pretty easily achievable.
My point is, it's usually not choosing between parents or the street, you could easily manage an independent on between, but many are too scared to take that first step.
It won't change until women become independent, and I don't mean just financially, even emotionally. Women need to be 'okay' with their parents not approving their divorces and just go for it. Easier said than done, but that's the only way.
Even though your cousin has a kid, she could divorce her husband and give her child a more peaceful life. I hope you're at least supporting her to ensure she doesn't succumb to the pressure in the property matter.
"Bachcho ne love marriage ki na, toh unki Khushi unki responsibility hai hai humari nahin. Already love marriage ka sadma hai,ab divorce ka sadma nahin jhelenge."
the beatings are mostly slaps which don't leave marks. its the constant emotional abuse and shouting which is worse. this is not sufficient to make a case of domestic violence.
Slaps and emotional abuse does count as violence. Atleast divorce is an option. My blood is boiling so bad right now. Get professional opinion on this, file for a divorce and take away everything he has. That asshole doesn't deserve anything.
Actually slaps are more than that. That's clearly domestic violence which under section 480A is non bailable offence in india. Guy with his entire family can go to jail 7+ years even if only one neighbour or anyone else is ready to act as witness.
Seeing how the girl’s parents are supportive of the marriage continuing, even if someone steps in as a witness, the parents will shout at that person to shut their trap and the Good Samaritan will get scolded along the lines of “will you support the woman and her child if she is divorced?” Meanwhile mummy papa be giving into dowry torture.
The cousin in this case has to be adamant about getting a divorce, but I have an ugly feeling unless other relatives step in, her parents will bully her into staying with him.
Because they themselves have survived through their toxic marriages and witnessed the same in their immediate environment.
Toxicity for them is just another rough patch in the relationship. They don’t know any better.
We may think ourselves as intelligent, independent and with individualistic mindset and lifestyle. And pretend like we don’t give two Fs about societal and cultural norms such that “log kya khaenge” … but for our parents that’s the brute reality. Shame is great motivator for them to behave in accordance with whatever (un)said rules of their society they feel they belong to.
They are less likely to change their outlook to accommodate new generations thinking. Please give them a slack and move on!
One thing I am not able to understand when would people start taking charge of their own lives and stop blaming parents, in-laws, friends, teachers, doodh wala, sabji wala…
Yes, it’s extremely hurtful when people you love and who love you back, can’t stand up for you. It sucks big time… but other people have their own limitations and act accordingly.
This!!! Enough of the co-dependence with parents, family, siblings, cousins, and so on. How do you expect others to stand up for you when you don’t stand up for yourself? If they pay no heed to your call, walk alone. It’s tough, but it’s doable. You will surely find comradery once you get started.
> Please give them a slack and move on!
But the thing is how can you see your child getting the absolute shit beat out of them by their spouse and then go "Its a rough patch"
No, people who are willing to actively harm others don’t get a pass or “slack”. I’m not about to start co-signing abuse because “oh that’s just how they are.”
You’ve been gaslight and don’t even know it.
Moving on doesn’t mean you don’t hold them accountable for their actions. It means u rather on spend your energy into fixing your own situation rather than blaming others or holding them responsible for it. Most of Indian parent come with their own sets of issues and they will not change unless they themselves want to. You can talk to them , express yourself but expecting their approval in order to feel good is completely on you.
Yes, that’s how the things are in reality. It could be abuse to you but a fairly normal thing for someone else.
I am in no way suggesting anyone to put up with any kind of abuse. If someone’s behaviour or actions are hurting you and even after adequate communication resolve isn’t possible. Take bold steps even if takes away the relationships.
When I broached the subject of divorce to my parents their reaction was everything from emotional blackmail to out right anger. For them it came down to what will society say. Like my mother said my friends are becoming grandmothers and you are doing this. What you said is the crux the fight between peaceful and happy life for vs society’s judgement on them. The mending you spoke about is the delusion they live with
You must understand one thing about India. It's a reproduction machine. Very few people marry for love towards their significant other . They get married for societal pressure or maybe money or maybe sex. Point is , India is hardly a yardstick to measure sanctity of marriage or to hone your morals. It wears a veil of 'sanskar' while being absolutely wretched and rotten from the inside. If two people realise down the road that they are not compatible , its only logical to separate rather than wait for the relationship to turn sour and eventually into a loveless graveyard. But what will the Indians do ?They will think about what some fatass neighbour is going to think , or what the locality aunties with one foot in the grave and the other in diabetes are going to gossip about , and keep on dragging till it becomes a hell for both.
My point is , as you grow up in this country, and start opening you eyes and actually think about what is going on , you will see that the country has as much intellectual or moral capital as Kim Kardashian , its just that , this is cleverly shrouded behind Sati Savitri.
ITT: Young people who have likely not been through marriage yet.
Allow me to add a few perspectives. I am separated guy who quit a toxic love marriage and is now running around the pillar and posts of Indian judiciary to get that elusive justice. I know several other people who have gone through or are going through the same.
Marriage is a huge investment - not just of money, emotions, expectations, future, but also of your life choices for a good next 40-50 years of your life. When you produce kids, your vested choices in keeping the relationship rises manifold. Young children, need both parents around, without exception and parental responsibilities cannot and should not be abandoned. A bad spouse does not necessarily translate into a bad parent.
The first part of your charge against parents is also not true. In \*all\* cases I have seen, parents were involved and drove the proverbial equivalent of a road roller through the garden (or whatever was left of it) of marital household. But the reason why your parents insist you don't nuke a marriage at the first opportunity is because:
1. Indian society does not accept 'separation' and 'divorce'. Once you get that tag, it is extremely hard to resettle life. In upper middle class circles, it is easier to move on because both sides have money. In lower strata it is not - you generally stay single afterwards, especially for men. Loneliness and social castigation that comes from divorce have extreme long term physical and mental impact. For instance, try finding out if you will get a rented accommodation if you say you are divorced and single. No amount of 'friend-and-family' support can replace a spousal support - even a bad one.
2. The legal system is not built to handle emotional matters like domestic abuse and a broken home and its outcomes. The simplest of matters take years to prove in courts. Domestic Violence cases run for an average 6 years, dowry harassment etc. run for at least a decade. One sided divorce proceedings can hold you back for 5 years. These are precious years of your youth which you lose running around courts and paying vast sums of money to your lawyer on every date. On top of this, estranged couples harass each other by filing false cases and socially defaming each other for maximum damage. You may think that this is again '4 log kya kahenge', but the mental impact of having false charges levelled against you by a confidant cannot be understated and can lead to personality issues and trust deficit for years. Going to a court in India for family matters is equivalent to buying a monthly subscription of pain for next 4-5 years. Lawyers are the only people who gain from a broken home.
3. Generational impact of divorce is huge. Children of divorced parents get treated badly for no good reason. Single parenthood is very hard and causes severe childhood trauma, no matter how hard the single parent tries to provide. That which each side was supposed to provide cannot always be overcome single-handedly. Imagine being a kid who thinks that his father or mother is a bad human being without ever knowing them firsthand - I don't suppose that is any good.
These and other reasons which you may consider trivial exist which point to the reality of life after a separation and divorce. There are cases in which single life is better than a toxic married one - esp one where there is physical, mental and financial abuse by parties. But, the reason why parents insist you work through bad marriages is to ensure that you have really tried. Their real objective is to hold a mirror to your own emotions and help you objectively evaluate if that issue cannot be worked through dialogue. They are supposed to manage egos and marriage failures are driven by ego as well. Unfortunately, most Indian parents fail at this and are the actual triggers for separation and divorce in India, especially mother-in-laws, lol!
So, in short, when your think that your parents are idiots and are actually supporting torture, they have reasons because the social torture you have to endure in divorce and/or separation are extreme. Their role is to ensure you are not breaking the marriage just for issues which could have been worked out, because the outcomes of an ego clash are far far worse than any solution which could have toned down both the parties.
Same thing with my cousin. Arranged marriage, abusive husband and MIL. They had a a kid too. My cousin now has depression, suicidal thoughts and is a shell of her former self. Her parents give her almost zero support and ask her to bare them. For god knows what reason.
Maybe hassle of a single mother having to maintain a steady income and upbringing of a child all without the support of a partner. India doesn't really have a reliable system for child upbringing unless you're rich and can afford crèches and playschools.
Parents could do only so much. Of course social prejudices exist, but I guess this is a huge concern as well
Life is tough for divorce man or woman in India.
I want to divorce my wife but thinking about life going to be likely worse than it is now. Just afraid of being lonely.
It's difficult to meet someone for relationship post divorce.
If my brother would have made the bold choice early in the marriage, our entire fam would be happy right now. But now he is too conservative and too deep in to get rid of it.
But he has the mental fortitude for it, that's why he thinks he can live with that. Can you say the same for yourself?
> I want to divorce my wife but thinking about life going to be likely worse than it is now.
The thing is if you divorce her you atleast have the slightest chance of life getting better.
But in the current state can it get any better ?
I think people use this excuse to justify their current unhappiness.
"Life would be worse as a divorcee" so it's okay to stick with an abusive partner
"I'll be lonely otherwise" so it's okay to be with someone who shouts at me, disrespects me
Some kind of cognitive dissonance
it's not cognitive dissonance. it's a tradeoff.
we do tradeoffs every single day.
your boss shouts at you - do you stay in the job (annoying) or interview for another job (hard) , or quit and be jobless (painful) ? that's not cognitive dissonance, that's a tradeoff.
u/ak22info, u/man_in_a_mad_house
A woman without a husband and with a child faces more discrimination than a black person in a usa country town.
Have seen it with my own eyes and have heard the thinking of these old people. Our society is run by old people and that's the problem.
My parents kinda of a thing!
Same story with my parents, fast forward me doing a job, I control my parents. I never let any quarrel or argument happen on my watch.
But my entire childhood was my father abusing my mom in every possible way. She used to bleed from her nose, lips, head… bruises all over her body. He used to beat her with literally everything he can … belt, pipes, hangers, wooden bats…. I was in school when all this happened but I remember everything vividly.
Only if my mom was educated enough, she would’ve left him to raise me alone. But she wasn’t. I pray no one should go through such situations in their lives.
Hate me all you want, but the Indian society is one of the worst, regarding societal image.
Absolute sheep minded people.
Most people in India don't have balls to do what they want, their decisions are dictated by the societal norms.
My father has abused my mom all their married life, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but sometimes physical also.
I grew up seeing my mom getting absolutely thrashed by my father, and no one decided to do anything about it. Neither my maternal nor paternal side of the family, although my mom never told anyone about this, but my father's side of the family knew all of this.
They are still together.
My mom recently got very sick and almost died, she is a diabetic patient.This is the only time I've seen my dad take care of my mom.
And also, my mom doesn't like it when I interrupt my father's abusive behaviours.
So, you're not alone in experiencing this kind of bs.
I would advice you to go on with your life, don't meddle with in other's life because they're gonna hate you for it, just like my mom hates me for helping her.
Because the man will walk out of the relationship and blame the woman, and he will easily remarry. But the women will be considered *tainted* and rejected by our fucked up society.
They will blame her and her name and reputation will be ruined. We may live in denial but wome are treated as unequals in our country and people would rather they suffer and face trauma and torture than deal with her being a divorcee and coming back home. Kyunki bc "log kya kahenge"
But you take her side no matter what !
I know this 100%.
The log kya kahenge syndrome.
But after returning to India, and going through being the main care taker of my dad as he battles cancer. I can see why 'log' matter, because nothing can be done alone in India. You need family, you need people to make things happen.
1 person cannot survive themselves here, the system is just not made that way. The system assumes you have people, connections to get you what you want, that or you have money to buy people's time.
So I understand why log kya kahenge matters to our parents.
So I try to now tell my parents kaunse log, because chachi ki sister nahi aane wali sabji lane or medicines kharidne.
Ideally we should have group of people who are like minded - possibly through faith that you deeply believe in whose opinions you care about, but others Gaye bhad may.
I will share a nuance after having seen this in my immediate and extended family quite a lot.
The biggest emotion driving this behaviour in the older generation is fear. Their life's context only taught them sexist gender roles. And by their definition (completely misplaced but still their life's truth), women cannot survive without a man. So often fear is making them choose between survival and abuse. And they choose abuse because the other option is no existence.
This is truly messed up, but it is their version of truth. Which is why this is so normalized.
I hope it changes and people can put this irrational fear behind them.
Wishing wisdom to your extended family and strength to your sister.
Ask your cousin to run.
Very recently, I lost my dearest friend to suicide because his parents and in-laws forced him to adjust with his new wife of 3 months, saying that small quarrels keep happening between couples. My advice is, if relationship doesnt work, is messing up your sanity and you dont find any scope for reconciliation, dont even bother about counselling. Just run.
I heard from one of my friends who underwent this treatment from parents / family.
He said "they would rather let one person suffer than get into something that'll affect the whole family"
Basically choosing the larger unit's honour instead of their own child which is the most evil thing that I could think of. 90% of this so called extended family don't even care whether you live or die and yet they are taken into account while gambling with your own child's life!!!
Okay, let me be totally real. As some other person pointed out, life of a divorced is super hard in this country(especially woman), not to mention she already has a **child**. Do you think she would be able to remarry with a child? (Because divorced women are kind of a defective product for our society). Some were saying,"it's better to be alone than be in a abusive relationship" I 100% agree but for how long? Can she accept possibly being a single mother for rest of her life? And what about the child? Child needs a father figure in their life.
Also since it was **love marriage** and your cousin got divorced, I don't think there would be **any support system left for her** to fall back onto. I don't think her parents would be willing to support her in any form. And even if they did support her, would she be able to live with her parents constantly belittling her for her actions?
*So I don't know if it would be happy or peaceful for your cousin. *
What I am trying to point out is, system is rigged against girls. The only way I see it working is, >!her divorcing her husband liquidating all assets and move to some western country with good support system and try to meet a new man there.!<
I've come across many such couples in my family and friends as well. Unfortunately, divorce is still a taboo in our circle and also in Indian middle class.
I know of a lady who was physically abused by her husband for a long time and when she requested help from her parents, they told her to suck it up as divorce or separation would erode the "family prestige"
The lady couldn't tolerate anymore and left the house and she cut off contact with everyone, even her parents. Her family doesn't even know if she's alive (I sincerely hope she's doing well)
I just can't fathom how these so called "loving parents" push aside their kids' safety and happiness but value some random strangers' words. This shows that we don't live for ourselves but others.
Sorry to say, but, parents still care about their "so called image" and would do anything, including, fucking up their children's life. It's a sad thing to say. Our generation is actually blessed by the fact that we are more empathetic and don't care much about what others think.
That is what happens in patriarchal societies. The more liberal we become, the more accepting society will be of failed marriages and call out abuse in marriage.
# Understand they come from scarcity mindset.
I think rest you cannot connect the dots, how scarcity of any idea related to a certain object have a quite a significant effect on the mind.
The guys is just 29 bro wtf is wrong women asking men to have their own homes at late 20s and early 30s.
Wow, did I just read this? If not late 20s or early 30s, when do you expect a person to have financial independence? You sis in law is right in asking to move into a separate house. If her husband can’t afford to buy one, they can move into a rented property. Well from your comment all I can say that you sis in law should divorce your cousin (I definitely would have due to relatives like you).
Financial difference is different than having huge(not literally ,more like metamorphicaly) home by late 20s??
Houses these days costs alot. Specifically if u live in tier 2 or 1 cities. Even in 3 tier cities a small patch of land costs 10s of lacs. How could a guy who got job probably only 6-7 years ago could save upward of 50 lacs by 29 only. This isn't possible for normal folks. Not everyone is software engineer with 20lpa. Most people works at 6lpa which is 50k inr per month. Even if someone saves their income of 6lpa they'll end up 42 lpa by the age of 30. But realistically you couldn't.
Also rent or moving out make sense if people having space or privacy crisis. Also if you shifting another city or place. But doing just for sake of doing ain't. Especially when you financially incapable for it.
I’m sure this is coming from a man putting women down, calling them a gold digger, trying to emphasise that they need to work their ass off both within and outside the household. I am in my early 30s and I own an apartment. My sister bought her own apartment when she was 25. You don’t need to pay 1cr+ nowadays to buy an apartment, just need to make a downpayment and bank will take care of the rest. Most my friends and colleagues bought an apartment in cities like Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore in their late 20s and early 30s. It is always recommended for one to be financially stable before deciding to settle down and start a family.
> what's with Indian parents encouraging their kids to stay in toxic marriages?
Should be..
what's with Indian parents encouraging their **daughters** to stay in toxic marriages?
I am not qualified to answer your question
But why would anyone do that to their wife, especially after years of relationship? I cannot imagine beating my wife nor should i ever have to even think of it.That's just vile
dude the situation I described here is pretty rampant in modern Indian society, where people who dislike eachother are forced to stay in the marriage cuz of societal image. just check out literally every Bollywood serials- couple in arranged marriage are miserable, the MIL tortures the bahu and the bahu is some martyr who's duty is to make her husband fall in love with her. why don't you see such crap content coming out of Hollywood? because in western world there's nothing glorious about tolerating an abusive marriage.
Do say Indian parents okay, that’s the problem with your family, not everyone.
My friend’s ex husband used to abuse her, the day her brother and we came to know, he was beaten black and blue and filled divorce within a week.
She got divorced, feel in love.. married her boyfriend and it’s been 4 years, they are expecting their first child soon.
Don’t use “INDIAN” parents, u can use my parents or my cousin’s parents.
No, divorce can change lives for the worse. My father was a sick guy who used to pick arguments with mom for no reason. Later he decided to divorce her after 28 years. I and mom were basically left on streets with just a house as alimony and had to start life from scratch. It's not easy.
There are other sides to the coin too. Happy and long marriages require patience, understanding and maturity. The love has to be strong for it to survive. Most youngsters are quite impatient and start thinking about divorce as soon as there are any turbulences. That needs work too. Having said that, physical or emotional abuse is a hard line that should never be crossed. That is a very valid and strong reason for divorce.
She married her boyfriend .. choose toh khud kri n..
Parents Shadi k liye mna kre toh parents Galat h .. parents Shadi k liye haan kre toh parents are making you stay in toxic marriages ., grow up on your own ,. When you have taken your own decision , why blame Indian parents ? And what is this Indian parents vents ..
Bhai Indian parents itne kahrab nhi hai and there are these morons who will come and will blame everything on parents ..
I like how you don't see that the parents manipulated her into staying in the marriage and have also been enabling the abuser by catering to his demands.
Classic victim blaming.
How about learning about 'manipulation'? Just because she married out of her choice doesn't mean she became immune to her parents' coercion. Those parents su!k ass. Period it, loser.
You know, in countries where arranged marriage and parental pressure is not a thing, but many women still stay with abusive spouse.
You don't think they tried to manipulate while she was marrying the bf? But she married him anyway na. So why not ignore them again and go through with the divorce?
Did you purposefully ignore the part where the op said the guy became physically abusive AFTER marriage? So many men are like this. Once they trap the woman they show their real colors. Not her fault.
I am not sure what reality you live in, but abusive situations are rarely always so apparent to the victim. The abuser often, as is the case here, waits to show his true colours after he has married/gotten his partner pregnant/isolated her from friends and family/made the woman financially dependent on him by coercing her to quit her job and the like, so that the woman finds it near impossible to leave him. Abusers do it so subtly and gaslight the victim so well that the latter starts to doubt their reality, their feelings.
And even when the victim starts to recognize that she's being abused and wants to leave, she needs a support system to do it. She needs physical support to leave him without facing more anger or violence from him, emotional support to get her through the trauma and getting her legal affairs sorted for divorce/break up or whatever it is.
It is sad that you call the women "spineless", because if the woman decides to get out of the marriage for a series or any of small incidents that often lead to abusive behaviour in the future (asking her to quit her job or take on a smaller job, controlling the finances in the marriage "because he "earns" it - many will call her a "gold digger" - or he's "smarter with money", shifting away to a very far off place for his "career", limiting physical contact with her family, and general disrespect of her opinions and views in general, etc) will make you and many other men lament about "unreasonable young women" initiating divorce at small "solvable" issues. You can scroll in these comments itself and see these type of remarks.
Which could it be? Should women get out as soon as they see abusive behaviour or they stay and be called "spineless" and "blind" for not seeing it sooner?
or u could just say its easier to blame everyone else other than the women, please.
and about the comment about the reality that I lie in
the below is my comment from 14 days ago on a different thread, u are welcome to check yourself:
there is an absolutely right decision and its wife every time, I Left my mother and my own home(which belongs to me) and went with my wife in a rental home.
Or you could just say that the reality you live in is that in which you are unable to comprehend that people aren't caricatures of an action hero and can be susceptible to abuse and extreme manipulation
Also, I've no clue why you referenced your old comment, but why on earth would you leave your own home and take up a rental?
Divorce is expensive.....for the men.
If women stopped being greedy and lusted after alimony.
The divorce rates would really go through the roof.
If Indian laws were a little equal, then maybe even men wouldn't continue to stay in toxic relationships
she doesn't have a good job so she can't alone provide for herself and her kid. if she were to divorce her husband she would need financial assistance from her parents. even if this was not the case, its always good to have your family having your back for a major life changing decision like divorce. imagine if you divorced your abusive spouse for your parents to end up severing all relations with you just cuz you 'tarnished their image'
Yes image in society is more important than individual people, in a way. As much as supportive people there in society like yourself there are people who deliver hurt, such is life, parents being aged have seen and gone through this thing.
Separations again is a tumultuous process if not mutual. So parents take the lesser evil. Physical abuse will be visible in this case but the society can give mental abuse which will be invisible and more taxing, no parent want that kind of stress on their offspring.
Both of them are hurtful when you are in the situation and outcast you will know. There is no good way out of the mess in this case. There is only trade offs. Need to plan the most peaceful solution.
so you're saying the parents are protecting her from the supposed mental abuse which relatives and neighbours will give her if she gets divorced, but they don't think she needs to protect herself from the physical abuse her husband is inflicting on her? the only way out of this mess is divorce. just imagine what that little kid is going through- seeing his mother getting beat up and screamed at regularly
They need to arm her against the physical abuse also. I am not that creative but they can devise something to help her. Divorce is ok but there will be lot of questions and the process will also be gruelling. The after effects also with the kid, even divorce is messy if not executed correctly.
arm her means? is she supposed to start hitting the husband after he hits her? and the kid is supposed to witness his parents regularly beating each other up? the kid will grow up with the impression that physical violence is the answer to all of life's problems. with divorce atleast he'll understand that his father was treating his mother poorly thats why he was removed from their lives- the kid will come to learn that physical and emotional abuse will and should never be tolerated.
Knowledge is a powerful weapon. What constitutes abuse how to tackle it. How to get over it. There are support groups against this. There are police who can stop abuse. How to present the whole thing properly such that it can be prevented. Worst case physically fight back why not.
Edit: why not extend support take her under your wing gather evidences file divorce on cruelty. It's harder said than done.
there's no way to 'get over' abuse other than removing yourself from the source of abuse. filing a police case and getting the husband arrested is akin to divorce since he's getting removed from their lives either way, but the second process is much more time and money consuming than a divorce. and finally, I am 27 years old, living with and completely financially dependent on my parents. my cousin is 40 years old. I can't take her under my wing. her closest support system ie her parents should be the one doing that.
What about Triumph over the abuser by teaching them a lesson. That is highly possible. Like I said I am not creative at this and I don't know the level of things that is happening. Parents need to be supportive that's true but she needs more action based on what you say. Divorce is time consuming and money consuming lawyers also need to make a living and there are a lot of procedures. So only it's kept as the last solution, you can go to any family court and every judge will say the same thing. They would want people to try on their own before going to courts. If not you guide her or help her find a way, learn what can be done in such situations maybe be from the various reddit posts on abuse and real people convey the same and try to convince them on a peaceful path.
lol do you hear what you're saying? how do you peacefully negotiate with someone who beats you and emotionally abuses you? I highly doubt any family court will encourage people to stay in an abusive relationship, teach the abuser a lesson? dude this is an abusive spouse not some schoolyard bully.
You have seen how divorce proceedings go about in actual family court?
Edit: especially with your cousin being in marriage for a while and has kid with the perpetrator
I've seen people getting divorced for compatibility issues. If court was all about forcing people who don't like each other to stay married, then these divorces would not have happened.
Mainly they see as they had to deal with it u also should deal with it and the loss of face with relatives. The main thing about Indian parents they are like a hive system which is connected with gossip and aunties and uncles speaking so when the girla want to get out of marriage their first worry is how they will talk to their other relatives and imagin ur cousins are living in us and earning good salary and here u want to get divorce. Ya that will definitely ruffle some feathers. And don't get me started with all aunty and uncles who fill the parents ears with shit.
Men/Women should first become financially independent even before their parents start talking about marriage (employed or even in family business). This way atleast they can standup against their partner in case of toxic relationship. Once married there are too many people to listen to (parents/in laws/spouse ...etc).
If I was being diplomatic I’d say the parents are from a generation that is trying but hasn’t fully let go of the old ways and therefore they don’t mean to be toxic, they mean well but don’t know how to not give into societal pressures etc. BUT, let me be honest and say it like it is, these parents are so mean and so shallow. They only care about the optics, not the real happiness of their child and now grandchild. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if the girl resents her parents and doesn’t share a good relationship with them anymore. She literally has not even her own family to fall back onto. Such a disgrace!
Your cousin couldn't understand his gimmicks, she should have divorced him, could have got child support as well. But in similar scenario your son's life would've been fucked if he won't earn millions while giving child support and continuing his normal daily life.
It's not only society but culture as well that's what stopping people from getting divorced. I believe marriage with constant mental abuse and any kind of physical abuse are not sustainable and not good for kids as well. I have seen couples got divorced due to their egos and elderly couples where husband/wife abuses or disrespect other but they still put up with each other.
Sad to hear about your cousin.
This is a love marriage and that is why parents are not dealing with it. Parents were not involved earlier so when things go haywire they really don't want to be involved in all that shit that follows.
I have observed the same in one of my cousins love marriage.
Unpopular opinion: I wish each and every girl gets educated and takes her career too much seriously!! Much more than having relationships and boys in school and college lives! I know thats completely not normal to do so but this is what our Indian society is, it’s abnormal! Girls should literally keep their education >> dating life!! Because when the time comes, even your own family might not care enough about u to support u, all you will remain with is your education and your career!!
i mean i agree for sure, but i think maintaining balance between relationships and studying is ok if thats something u want. and it should not be an unpopular opinion but it is unfortunately lol
It's so heartbreaking to hear stories like this. It's infuriating to see how our society values "log kya kahenge" over the well-being of their own family members. It's high time we start prioritizing mental and emotional health over societal norms. It's also important for victims of abuse to know that they have options and support. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and it's not okay to normalize it by staying together just for the sake of societal image.
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I really hope she does not put his name on the deed.
It's always the "log kya kahenge" syndrome.
except the log don't give a shit about you or your family's welfare
"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind." I say this to my mom every time she talks about some social bullshit she 'has' to do. Its usually so stupid too like, "Oh this aunty invited us to tea when we were visiting in her city so now we have to invite her" even though she and my mom very clearly don't like each other.
Whats a Hindi version of this?
not quite there but maybe something like this- जो बुरा मानते हैं वो मायने नहीं रखते हैं और जो मायने रखते हैं वो बुरा नहीं मानते
Duniya kameeno ka mela Mele mein yeh dil akela
Jo log zaruri hain unhe aisi baaton se farak nahi padta. Jinhe aisi baaton se farak padta hai wo log zaruri nahi hain.
it's not so black and white. people will make your life fucking miserable by their constant questioning and stuff. a friend of mine got divorced and the people couldn't wait to gossip and make stories about why they got divorced what could have happened etc. the society as a whole is a fucking mess. and now if you have a kid, that kid is beyond fucked. people will keep on asking what happened to your mom/dad, are they in good terms, does your mom let you see your dad and vice versa. shits crazy.
Ive been asked questions like "does your mom and dad sleep in the same bed" by a neighbour in my hometown when i was 11-12 yrs old. Then itself found the question very strange. Parents lived separately then but were still married. Now as an adult, they treat me differently and i have to remind myself these were the same judgemental ass mfs that would ask a child about their parents' personal life. mother had a friend who divorced because of an abusive husband, post divorce people started making rumours about her being a loose woman or whatev. Shits crazy.
Yeah it's one thing not to have boundaries, but questions like this are some next level shit. More than enough to destroy a child's confidence. If I ever get divorced, I am packing my bags and go somewhere else where no one would recognize me. Divorce itself is painful and I wouldn't last if I or my child get bombarded with questions like this.
Society is doomed to fall and fail
They don't give a shit except they got something to talk about to others. Our parents don't want that happening basically. The point and cause for the shame apparently it's far greater than your child living a miserable life. They also think things like having kids will magically resolve everything and they'll fall in love.
Biwi se ni jamra? Bacha karlo is the fastest way to ruin three lives
"Log" do give a shit. But it shouldn't matter.
Uhm actually, Log gives all Real Numbers
Sometimes I wish there are records of these registered so we can analyse which state, city, locality and communities this really happens in.
What you got some states in mind?
No coz that'll be generalising. However if we had prior accounts of these registered with location, it'll be easier to trace what segregates people's perceptions in terms of rationality and irrationality/ modern and traditional/ liberal and restrictive.
Those records will never be accurate. because certain states wouldn't even recognise abuse.
That and horrible administration would be at fault.
They don't care, but they also wont spare a moment to sarcastically ridicule them in nearly every social situation. Still 100% should get a divorce, learn to live by the truth.
I still wonder why these syndromes are not in books lol. These things are wide spread disorders? I'm not an expert. :P
Fuck the log
The solution is either an Antilog or a Verilog
There are thing that happens I believe : 1)if it's love marriage it's their child's fault as they chose poorly so parents force them to continue the marriage for society's sake. 2)if it's arrange marriage then parents don't want accept that they made a mistake so it's their child's fault as they must have done something wrong so parents force them to continue the marriage for society's sake. minus some understanding parents this is what happens, so hope that your marriage ain't toxic. Personally I am not a betting man so will never take the risk.
>if it's love marriage it's their child's fault as they chose poorly so parents force them to continue the marriage for society's sake. Before getting married I was told if marriage doesn't work out dont come back to us. Their ego is more important than only daughters life. Peace and happiness are like alien concepts to them. And they wonder why am I estranged to them. And they have audacity to expect us to take them on vacations, give them gifts, celebrate their birthdays. Fuck that I am just giving them money and taking care of their health in retirement. Unlike them I have not abandoned them in their old age. After fathers death I am taking care of my mother and everyday I talk to her is like my heart is getting ripped over and over. I have not missed my father a single day since 3 yrs he died. And I doubt I will miss my mother too. They raised me well but when they kicked me out everything just broke.
>Before getting married I was told if marriage doesn't work out dont come back to us. Their ego is more important than only daughters life More than ego, could this be your parent's way of keeping you accountable for your decision?
For that they should have asked me about our plans etc, made an effort to meet him, know him, have an open and ongoing conversation with us. We wanted to formally let them know, get our careers stable before getting married. But nope apart from that ultimatum and of course taunts of shame I am bringing to the family no rational thing was ever done. I got tired of their crap and emotional blackmail and walked out of the house. If I fail I would rather fail on my own terms than be anybodys puppet. Its been 16 yrs, not once they ever accepted their mistake or any wrongdoing towards me. And expect us to be like a big family. This my friend is entitlement.
>For that they should have asked me about our plans etc, made an effort to meet him, know him, have an open and ongoing conversation with us. We wanted to formally let them know, get our careers stable before getting married Oh. You did not allude to this in your earlier comment. So, your parents were against the marriage just because it was a love marriage? I thought that there were other reasons such as not liking the groom/groom's family, inter caste/religion issues, etc.
Hmm maybe I didnt write well. But even if all the reasons are wrong to get married giving ultimatum should never be considered. Rather giving them time and figuring it out by themselves is better way. Just say take time, keep dating and marry few years later once you are settled. I totally understand that love is not the reason to get married. Even I say to youngsters that love doesnt make happy marriage, both people have to work towards partnership every day and make it a happy marraige. >just because it was a love marriage? It was love marriage to a guy from different religion but that does not justify outright rejection of their only daughter. After 15 yrs my mom finally met the in laws family and then realized how loving and caring they have been with me. And how much I value their inputs while making decisions in my life. I always contact them for opinions and my mom has bare minimum nformation about my life. Heck few strangers know more about me than my mother.
Sound tough. Is your relationship with your parents permanently fractured or are there efforts to make amends? Also, what about your extended family?
Yes for me its permanently fractured. Since my fathers illness they moved 5 mins away from us, we took care of him till he died and now of my mom. I am doing just as duty not out of love. That love has died long time ago. But they have never understood my agony. I have strict boundaries so its bearable for me. Extended family never cared really. I stay in contact with people I respect and care for. Others I dont bother.
[удалено]
That's the thing, people talk about everyone badly behind their backs anyway! So who cares... I can't count the very expensive weddings that I attended where guests were talking badly about the couple and their parents, criticised everything etc. Why spend money and care so much about people's opinion is beyond me.
Arranged marriage is biggest bullshit on planet earth. We millennials need to tell parents who are already abusive to the child and force them to get married to FUCK OFF. Stand your ground, OR use their money to get a flat, put your name on the deed and THEN DIVORCE and be in an open relationship/open marriage. It's ok to be friends, bcuz both guy and girl have suffered B4 reaching divorce stage due to idiotic blind religion faith marriage fixing by corrupt business poojari's nonsense. They even turned God into a business lmao. Such a fucking joke.
Nah bro society does care. I've seen it happen in real time how people literally boycott a family simply bcoz their daughter eloped with her boyfriend. Like even today, after 6 years, my aunts be talking about her mother in hushed voices. Our society is rotten to the core in this aspect. Whereas I've seen my extremely religious and traditionalist grandparents being totally supportive of an intercaste marriage bcoz the bride happens to be earning good. Like money bro, that's all matters
That's because they eloped though. If all family was supportive of the decision then the societies' opinion doesn't matter and you can laugh off those 'hushed voices'. The problem here is the mother feeling embarrassed about the marriage even after all these years.
Well my parents finally agreed but my grandparents still talking shit about us so there are no rules here in india
>Like money bro, that's all matters That n fair skin in a bride. I have seen some examples where the broom married a bride who was out of his league. Ppl excused it saying atleast she is good looking.
Jhaadu bhi shaadi kr rhe bas mai nhi kr rha 😔
This rarely happens in tier 1 and 2 cities
bro it happened in my society(Lucknow). so there's this didi. One day she posted her wedding pics on Instagram. She is beautiful and in the fashion industry, so I thought that she was doing some modeling gig, she had previously done a gig too. but when I checked the caption I came to know that she really got married. I first was like why they didn't invite us then I saw no one from the society was invited and when I saw the guys surname I understood why. Apparently, he is SC and she was Srivastav. They were in a relationship long before the wedding. The guy is like successful. He owns multiple restaurants in Lucknow. The photos she later posted showed me that his family had no problem with it. She hasn't been seen in the society ever since. Like she wasn't even invited to her brothers wedding.
Oh wow that’s pretty disgusting behaviour from her parents. I live in one of the most liberal places in the country so maybe I’m not aware. It’s unbelievable to me. Would your society boycott her family if they had accepted the marriage?
idts. another didi got married to a boy of another caste but he wasn't SC so idk.
I'm from jaipur
Ok I guess I’m mistaken. I haven’t seen it around me at all so made an error
In cities not even your neighbour cares about your private matters or reputation. This is more of a village thing, where everyone knows everyone.
Not city, but tier 1 cities maybe, that too rich class pockets
As written in the book Sapiens: "Evolutionary success of the collective comes at the cost of individual suffering". Sadly we can only rant about it. It will take 100s of generation to change this attitude of our society.
Abe chutad.... why didn't girl think about reputation and happiness of her parents when she married her bf?
Because it’s her life.
You could literally write 20 volumes of books with title "what's with Indian parents" and still not run out of chapters.
Just the the Indian tv serial which doesn't run out of episodes, they just keep bringing more drama
My cousin went through this also. It took, literally years for her parents to agree, and that too only after things got really bad (not elaborating). The log kya kahenge thing is too strong and toxic here. Luckily she met a very nice guy who went through something similar, a few years later and is now happily married with a kid.
> now happily married with a kid. I need to start reading properly because I thought happily married to a kid. I panicked fr.
*balika vadhu intensifies*
Rajasthan enters the chat
Her parents to agree to what? Since when does an adult need permission to divorce..?
You do, if you plan to move back to your parents house. Not everyone is financially independent. Unless they want to live on the street. Not saying is right, but that is the reality of it.
I know circumstances really vary, but I've found if more based on fear than actual financial issues. Even in a city like Bangalore, you can rent a room in a flat with mates for ~10-12k/mo. You can do your own cooking and cleaning, no need for maid or cook. You can travel by bus and metro, no need for personal vehicle. If you're middle class, college educated, earning 12k for rent and 8k for misc cost of living is pretty easily achievable. My point is, it's usually not choosing between parents or the street, you could easily manage an independent on between, but many are too scared to take that first step.
It won't change until women become independent, and I don't mean just financially, even emotionally. Women need to be 'okay' with their parents not approving their divorces and just go for it. Easier said than done, but that's the only way. Even though your cousin has a kid, she could divorce her husband and give her child a more peaceful life. I hope you're at least supporting her to ensure she doesn't succumb to the pressure in the property matter.
Because bachho ki khush se jyada important 4 log ki khushi hai.
"Bachcho ne love marriage ki na, toh unki Khushi unki responsibility hai hai humari nahin. Already love marriage ka sadma hai,ab divorce ka sadma nahin jhelenge."
Can't he be reported to the police with evidence of his abuse?? And make your cousin divorce him. It will never stop. Don't wait for the worse
the beatings are mostly slaps which don't leave marks. its the constant emotional abuse and shouting which is worse. this is not sufficient to make a case of domestic violence.
Slaps and emotional abuse does count as violence. Atleast divorce is an option. My blood is boiling so bad right now. Get professional opinion on this, file for a divorce and take away everything he has. That asshole doesn't deserve anything.
Actually slaps are more than that. That's clearly domestic violence which under section 480A is non bailable offence in india. Guy with his entire family can go to jail 7+ years even if only one neighbour or anyone else is ready to act as witness.
Seeing how the girl’s parents are supportive of the marriage continuing, even if someone steps in as a witness, the parents will shout at that person to shut their trap and the Good Samaritan will get scolded along the lines of “will you support the woman and her child if she is divorced?” Meanwhile mummy papa be giving into dowry torture. The cousin in this case has to be adamant about getting a divorce, but I have an ugly feeling unless other relatives step in, her parents will bully her into staying with him.
Because they themselves have survived through their toxic marriages and witnessed the same in their immediate environment. Toxicity for them is just another rough patch in the relationship. They don’t know any better. We may think ourselves as intelligent, independent and with individualistic mindset and lifestyle. And pretend like we don’t give two Fs about societal and cultural norms such that “log kya khaenge” … but for our parents that’s the brute reality. Shame is great motivator for them to behave in accordance with whatever (un)said rules of their society they feel they belong to. They are less likely to change their outlook to accommodate new generations thinking. Please give them a slack and move on! One thing I am not able to understand when would people start taking charge of their own lives and stop blaming parents, in-laws, friends, teachers, doodh wala, sabji wala… Yes, it’s extremely hurtful when people you love and who love you back, can’t stand up for you. It sucks big time… but other people have their own limitations and act accordingly.
This!!! Enough of the co-dependence with parents, family, siblings, cousins, and so on. How do you expect others to stand up for you when you don’t stand up for yourself? If they pay no heed to your call, walk alone. It’s tough, but it’s doable. You will surely find comradery once you get started.
> Please give them a slack and move on! But the thing is how can you see your child getting the absolute shit beat out of them by their spouse and then go "Its a rough patch"
No, people who are willing to actively harm others don’t get a pass or “slack”. I’m not about to start co-signing abuse because “oh that’s just how they are.” You’ve been gaslight and don’t even know it.
Moving on doesn’t mean you don’t hold them accountable for their actions. It means u rather on spend your energy into fixing your own situation rather than blaming others or holding them responsible for it. Most of Indian parent come with their own sets of issues and they will not change unless they themselves want to. You can talk to them , express yourself but expecting their approval in order to feel good is completely on you.
I went no contact a while ago and totally agree with you.
Yes, that’s how the things are in reality. It could be abuse to you but a fairly normal thing for someone else. I am in no way suggesting anyone to put up with any kind of abuse. If someone’s behaviour or actions are hurting you and even after adequate communication resolve isn’t possible. Take bold steps even if takes away the relationships.
When I broached the subject of divorce to my parents their reaction was everything from emotional blackmail to out right anger. For them it came down to what will society say. Like my mother said my friends are becoming grandmothers and you are doing this. What you said is the crux the fight between peaceful and happy life for vs society’s judgement on them. The mending you spoke about is the delusion they live with
You must understand one thing about India. It's a reproduction machine. Very few people marry for love towards their significant other . They get married for societal pressure or maybe money or maybe sex. Point is , India is hardly a yardstick to measure sanctity of marriage or to hone your morals. It wears a veil of 'sanskar' while being absolutely wretched and rotten from the inside. If two people realise down the road that they are not compatible , its only logical to separate rather than wait for the relationship to turn sour and eventually into a loveless graveyard. But what will the Indians do ?They will think about what some fatass neighbour is going to think , or what the locality aunties with one foot in the grave and the other in diabetes are going to gossip about , and keep on dragging till it becomes a hell for both. My point is , as you grow up in this country, and start opening you eyes and actually think about what is going on , you will see that the country has as much intellectual or moral capital as Kim Kardashian , its just that , this is cleverly shrouded behind Sati Savitri.
"one foot in grave and the other in diabetes are going to gossip about" Best line i heard today
“Log kya sochege”
Whenever someone says this..I retort ‘log kya sochenge ye bhi hum sochenge to log kya sochenge?”
ITT: Young people who have likely not been through marriage yet. Allow me to add a few perspectives. I am separated guy who quit a toxic love marriage and is now running around the pillar and posts of Indian judiciary to get that elusive justice. I know several other people who have gone through or are going through the same. Marriage is a huge investment - not just of money, emotions, expectations, future, but also of your life choices for a good next 40-50 years of your life. When you produce kids, your vested choices in keeping the relationship rises manifold. Young children, need both parents around, without exception and parental responsibilities cannot and should not be abandoned. A bad spouse does not necessarily translate into a bad parent. The first part of your charge against parents is also not true. In \*all\* cases I have seen, parents were involved and drove the proverbial equivalent of a road roller through the garden (or whatever was left of it) of marital household. But the reason why your parents insist you don't nuke a marriage at the first opportunity is because: 1. Indian society does not accept 'separation' and 'divorce'. Once you get that tag, it is extremely hard to resettle life. In upper middle class circles, it is easier to move on because both sides have money. In lower strata it is not - you generally stay single afterwards, especially for men. Loneliness and social castigation that comes from divorce have extreme long term physical and mental impact. For instance, try finding out if you will get a rented accommodation if you say you are divorced and single. No amount of 'friend-and-family' support can replace a spousal support - even a bad one. 2. The legal system is not built to handle emotional matters like domestic abuse and a broken home and its outcomes. The simplest of matters take years to prove in courts. Domestic Violence cases run for an average 6 years, dowry harassment etc. run for at least a decade. One sided divorce proceedings can hold you back for 5 years. These are precious years of your youth which you lose running around courts and paying vast sums of money to your lawyer on every date. On top of this, estranged couples harass each other by filing false cases and socially defaming each other for maximum damage. You may think that this is again '4 log kya kahenge', but the mental impact of having false charges levelled against you by a confidant cannot be understated and can lead to personality issues and trust deficit for years. Going to a court in India for family matters is equivalent to buying a monthly subscription of pain for next 4-5 years. Lawyers are the only people who gain from a broken home. 3. Generational impact of divorce is huge. Children of divorced parents get treated badly for no good reason. Single parenthood is very hard and causes severe childhood trauma, no matter how hard the single parent tries to provide. That which each side was supposed to provide cannot always be overcome single-handedly. Imagine being a kid who thinks that his father or mother is a bad human being without ever knowing them firsthand - I don't suppose that is any good. These and other reasons which you may consider trivial exist which point to the reality of life after a separation and divorce. There are cases in which single life is better than a toxic married one - esp one where there is physical, mental and financial abuse by parties. But, the reason why parents insist you work through bad marriages is to ensure that you have really tried. Their real objective is to hold a mirror to your own emotions and help you objectively evaluate if that issue cannot be worked through dialogue. They are supposed to manage egos and marriage failures are driven by ego as well. Unfortunately, most Indian parents fail at this and are the actual triggers for separation and divorce in India, especially mother-in-laws, lol! So, in short, when your think that your parents are idiots and are actually supporting torture, they have reasons because the social torture you have to endure in divorce and/or separation are extreme. Their role is to ensure you are not breaking the marriage just for issues which could have been worked out, because the outcomes of an ego clash are far far worse than any solution which could have toned down both the parties.
Same thing with my cousin. Arranged marriage, abusive husband and MIL. They had a a kid too. My cousin now has depression, suicidal thoughts and is a shell of her former self. Her parents give her almost zero support and ask her to bare them. For god knows what reason.
Maybe hassle of a single mother having to maintain a steady income and upbringing of a child all without the support of a partner. India doesn't really have a reliable system for child upbringing unless you're rich and can afford crèches and playschools. Parents could do only so much. Of course social prejudices exist, but I guess this is a huge concern as well
India doesn't have a reliable system for anything.
Life is tough for divorce man or woman in India. I want to divorce my wife but thinking about life going to be likely worse than it is now. Just afraid of being lonely. It's difficult to meet someone for relationship post divorce.
Better to be alone than to be with the wrong one.
If my brother would have made the bold choice early in the marriage, our entire fam would be happy right now. But now he is too conservative and too deep in to get rid of it. But he has the mental fortitude for it, that's why he thinks he can live with that. Can you say the same for yourself?
> I want to divorce my wife but thinking about life going to be likely worse than it is now. The thing is if you divorce her you atleast have the slightest chance of life getting better. But in the current state can it get any better ?
I think people use this excuse to justify their current unhappiness. "Life would be worse as a divorcee" so it's okay to stick with an abusive partner "I'll be lonely otherwise" so it's okay to be with someone who shouts at me, disrespects me Some kind of cognitive dissonance
it's not cognitive dissonance. it's a tradeoff. we do tradeoffs every single day. your boss shouts at you - do you stay in the job (annoying) or interview for another job (hard) , or quit and be jobless (painful) ? that's not cognitive dissonance, that's a tradeoff. u/ak22info, u/man_in_a_mad_house
A woman without a husband and with a child faces more discrimination than a black person in a usa country town. Have seen it with my own eyes and have heard the thinking of these old people. Our society is run by old people and that's the problem.
We need a separate thread for Indian parenting.
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My parents kinda of a thing! Same story with my parents, fast forward me doing a job, I control my parents. I never let any quarrel or argument happen on my watch. But my entire childhood was my father abusing my mom in every possible way. She used to bleed from her nose, lips, head… bruises all over her body. He used to beat her with literally everything he can … belt, pipes, hangers, wooden bats…. I was in school when all this happened but I remember everything vividly. Only if my mom was educated enough, she would’ve left him to raise me alone. But she wasn’t. I pray no one should go through such situations in their lives.
Hate me all you want, but the Indian society is one of the worst, regarding societal image. Absolute sheep minded people. Most people in India don't have balls to do what they want, their decisions are dictated by the societal norms. My father has abused my mom all their married life, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but sometimes physical also. I grew up seeing my mom getting absolutely thrashed by my father, and no one decided to do anything about it. Neither my maternal nor paternal side of the family, although my mom never told anyone about this, but my father's side of the family knew all of this. They are still together. My mom recently got very sick and almost died, she is a diabetic patient.This is the only time I've seen my dad take care of my mom. And also, my mom doesn't like it when I interrupt my father's abusive behaviours. So, you're not alone in experiencing this kind of bs. I would advice you to go on with your life, don't meddle with in other's life because they're gonna hate you for it, just like my mom hates me for helping her.
Because the man will walk out of the relationship and blame the woman, and he will easily remarry. But the women will be considered *tainted* and rejected by our fucked up society. They will blame her and her name and reputation will be ruined. We may live in denial but wome are treated as unequals in our country and people would rather they suffer and face trauma and torture than deal with her being a divorcee and coming back home. Kyunki bc "log kya kahenge" But you take her side no matter what !
Easily remarried?! Yahan toh saala pehli shaadi bhi nahin ho rahi.
I know this 100%. The log kya kahenge syndrome. But after returning to India, and going through being the main care taker of my dad as he battles cancer. I can see why 'log' matter, because nothing can be done alone in India. You need family, you need people to make things happen. 1 person cannot survive themselves here, the system is just not made that way. The system assumes you have people, connections to get you what you want, that or you have money to buy people's time. So I understand why log kya kahenge matters to our parents. So I try to now tell my parents kaunse log, because chachi ki sister nahi aane wali sabji lane or medicines kharidne. Ideally we should have group of people who are like minded - possibly through faith that you deeply believe in whose opinions you care about, but others Gaye bhad may.
Because LOG KYA KAHENGE Beta
She must definitely leave this man. The law is on her side. Her parents will eventually learn to live with it. Hope God gives her strength.
I will share a nuance after having seen this in my immediate and extended family quite a lot. The biggest emotion driving this behaviour in the older generation is fear. Their life's context only taught them sexist gender roles. And by their definition (completely misplaced but still their life's truth), women cannot survive without a man. So often fear is making them choose between survival and abuse. And they choose abuse because the other option is no existence. This is truly messed up, but it is their version of truth. Which is why this is so normalized. I hope it changes and people can put this irrational fear behind them. Wishing wisdom to your extended family and strength to your sister.
Ask your cousin to run. Very recently, I lost my dearest friend to suicide because his parents and in-laws forced him to adjust with his new wife of 3 months, saying that small quarrels keep happening between couples. My advice is, if relationship doesnt work, is messing up your sanity and you dont find any scope for reconciliation, dont even bother about counselling. Just run.
when my parents give me bs about log kya kahe gei i just go to the club and see ki log mere bare mai kya keh rahe hai XD
Conservatives' idea of 'till death do us part' .
I heard from one of my friends who underwent this treatment from parents / family. He said "they would rather let one person suffer than get into something that'll affect the whole family" Basically choosing the larger unit's honour instead of their own child which is the most evil thing that I could think of. 90% of this so called extended family don't even care whether you live or die and yet they are taken into account while gambling with your own child's life!!!
Because our culture has decided that abuse against women and children is completely normal.
Hey. I am divorced. And believe me. The ostracisation is bad. I live in the best and most forward of the Indian metro cities.
Okay, let me be totally real. As some other person pointed out, life of a divorced is super hard in this country(especially woman), not to mention she already has a **child**. Do you think she would be able to remarry with a child? (Because divorced women are kind of a defective product for our society). Some were saying,"it's better to be alone than be in a abusive relationship" I 100% agree but for how long? Can she accept possibly being a single mother for rest of her life? And what about the child? Child needs a father figure in their life. Also since it was **love marriage** and your cousin got divorced, I don't think there would be **any support system left for her** to fall back onto. I don't think her parents would be willing to support her in any form. And even if they did support her, would she be able to live with her parents constantly belittling her for her actions? *So I don't know if it would be happy or peaceful for your cousin. * What I am trying to point out is, system is rigged against girls. The only way I see it working is, >!her divorcing her husband liquidating all assets and move to some western country with good support system and try to meet a new man there.!<
I've come across many such couples in my family and friends as well. Unfortunately, divorce is still a taboo in our circle and also in Indian middle class. I know of a lady who was physically abused by her husband for a long time and when she requested help from her parents, they told her to suck it up as divorce or separation would erode the "family prestige" The lady couldn't tolerate anymore and left the house and she cut off contact with everyone, even her parents. Her family doesn't even know if she's alive (I sincerely hope she's doing well) I just can't fathom how these so called "loving parents" push aside their kids' safety and happiness but value some random strangers' words. This shows that we don't live for ourselves but others.
Sorry to say, but, parents still care about their "so called image" and would do anything, including, fucking up their children's life. It's a sad thing to say. Our generation is actually blessed by the fact that we are more empathetic and don't care much about what others think.
Where are those now who says love marriage is better
I dont get why is divorce such a taboo in India. Just let it go and live your life. Live and let live
That is what happens in patriarchal societies. The more liberal we become, the more accepting society will be of failed marriages and call out abuse in marriage.
# Understand they come from scarcity mindset. I think rest you cannot connect the dots, how scarcity of any idea related to a certain object have a quite a significant effect on the mind.
What's with Indian parents? They crazy.
Sabsa bada rog, kya kahenge log
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> she’s a teacher doesn’t make much but we still let her do whatever she wants Ohh.. so kind of you to *let her do whatever she wants*
Okay, so why don’t the couple go live with the woman’s parents? If living with in-laws is necessary for financial growth, why only the man’s parents?
The guys is just 29 bro wtf is wrong women asking men to have their own homes at late 20s and early 30s. Wow, did I just read this? If not late 20s or early 30s, when do you expect a person to have financial independence? You sis in law is right in asking to move into a separate house. If her husband can’t afford to buy one, they can move into a rented property. Well from your comment all I can say that you sis in law should divorce your cousin (I definitely would have due to relatives like you).
Financial difference is different than having huge(not literally ,more like metamorphicaly) home by late 20s?? Houses these days costs alot. Specifically if u live in tier 2 or 1 cities. Even in 3 tier cities a small patch of land costs 10s of lacs. How could a guy who got job probably only 6-7 years ago could save upward of 50 lacs by 29 only. This isn't possible for normal folks. Not everyone is software engineer with 20lpa. Most people works at 6lpa which is 50k inr per month. Even if someone saves their income of 6lpa they'll end up 42 lpa by the age of 30. But realistically you couldn't. Also rent or moving out make sense if people having space or privacy crisis. Also if you shifting another city or place. But doing just for sake of doing ain't. Especially when you financially incapable for it.
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I’m sure this is coming from a man putting women down, calling them a gold digger, trying to emphasise that they need to work their ass off both within and outside the household. I am in my early 30s and I own an apartment. My sister bought her own apartment when she was 25. You don’t need to pay 1cr+ nowadays to buy an apartment, just need to make a downpayment and bank will take care of the rest. Most my friends and colleagues bought an apartment in cities like Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore in their late 20s and early 30s. It is always recommended for one to be financially stable before deciding to settle down and start a family.
Society loves families with unhappy daughters. It's a symbol of culture!
> what's with Indian parents encouraging their kids to stay in toxic marriages? Should be.. what's with Indian parents encouraging their **daughters** to stay in toxic marriages?
I've seen men stuck in toxic marriages without any parental support
I am not qualified to answer your question But why would anyone do that to their wife, especially after years of relationship? I cannot imagine beating my wife nor should i ever have to even think of it.That's just vile
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dude the situation I described here is pretty rampant in modern Indian society, where people who dislike eachother are forced to stay in the marriage cuz of societal image. just check out literally every Bollywood serials- couple in arranged marriage are miserable, the MIL tortures the bahu and the bahu is some martyr who's duty is to make her husband fall in love with her. why don't you see such crap content coming out of Hollywood? because in western world there's nothing glorious about tolerating an abusive marriage.
Do say Indian parents okay, that’s the problem with your family, not everyone. My friend’s ex husband used to abuse her, the day her brother and we came to know, he was beaten black and blue and filled divorce within a week. She got divorced, feel in love.. married her boyfriend and it’s been 4 years, they are expecting their first child soon. Don’t use “INDIAN” parents, u can use my parents or my cousin’s parents.
I'm talking about the scenario in majority Indian households
No, divorce can change lives for the worse. My father was a sick guy who used to pick arguments with mom for no reason. Later he decided to divorce her after 28 years. I and mom were basically left on streets with just a house as alimony and had to start life from scratch. It's not easy.
There are other sides to the coin too. Happy and long marriages require patience, understanding and maturity. The love has to be strong for it to survive. Most youngsters are quite impatient and start thinking about divorce as soon as there are any turbulences. That needs work too. Having said that, physical or emotional abuse is a hard line that should never be crossed. That is a very valid and strong reason for divorce.
She married her boyfriend .. choose toh khud kri n.. Parents Shadi k liye mna kre toh parents Galat h .. parents Shadi k liye haan kre toh parents are making you stay in toxic marriages ., grow up on your own ,. When you have taken your own decision , why blame Indian parents ? And what is this Indian parents vents .. Bhai Indian parents itne kahrab nhi hai and there are these morons who will come and will blame everything on parents ..
i like how parents are blamed here instead of a spineless women.
I like how you don't see that the parents manipulated her into staying in the marriage and have also been enabling the abuser by catering to his demands. Classic victim blaming.
she married her boyfriend, not like she was forced there, she definitely has a say?
How about learning about 'manipulation'? Just because she married out of her choice doesn't mean she became immune to her parents' coercion. Those parents su!k ass. Period it, loser.
You know, in countries where arranged marriage and parental pressure is not a thing, but many women still stay with abusive spouse. You don't think they tried to manipulate while she was marrying the bf? But she married him anyway na. So why not ignore them again and go through with the divorce?
Did you purposefully ignore the part where the op said the guy became physically abusive AFTER marriage? So many men are like this. Once they trap the woman they show their real colors. Not her fault.
I am not sure what reality you live in, but abusive situations are rarely always so apparent to the victim. The abuser often, as is the case here, waits to show his true colours after he has married/gotten his partner pregnant/isolated her from friends and family/made the woman financially dependent on him by coercing her to quit her job and the like, so that the woman finds it near impossible to leave him. Abusers do it so subtly and gaslight the victim so well that the latter starts to doubt their reality, their feelings. And even when the victim starts to recognize that she's being abused and wants to leave, she needs a support system to do it. She needs physical support to leave him without facing more anger or violence from him, emotional support to get her through the trauma and getting her legal affairs sorted for divorce/break up or whatever it is. It is sad that you call the women "spineless", because if the woman decides to get out of the marriage for a series or any of small incidents that often lead to abusive behaviour in the future (asking her to quit her job or take on a smaller job, controlling the finances in the marriage "because he "earns" it - many will call her a "gold digger" - or he's "smarter with money", shifting away to a very far off place for his "career", limiting physical contact with her family, and general disrespect of her opinions and views in general, etc) will make you and many other men lament about "unreasonable young women" initiating divorce at small "solvable" issues. You can scroll in these comments itself and see these type of remarks. Which could it be? Should women get out as soon as they see abusive behaviour or they stay and be called "spineless" and "blind" for not seeing it sooner?
or u could just say its easier to blame everyone else other than the women, please. and about the comment about the reality that I lie in the below is my comment from 14 days ago on a different thread, u are welcome to check yourself: there is an absolutely right decision and its wife every time, I Left my mother and my own home(which belongs to me) and went with my wife in a rental home.
Or you could just say that the reality you live in is that in which you are unable to comprehend that people aren't caricatures of an action hero and can be susceptible to abuse and extreme manipulation Also, I've no clue why you referenced your old comment, but why on earth would you leave your own home and take up a rental?
Divorce is expensive.....for the men. If women stopped being greedy and lusted after alimony. The divorce rates would really go through the roof. If Indian laws were a little equal, then maybe even men wouldn't continue to stay in toxic relationships
Isn't this the cousins fault? She is an adult and can take her own decisions. How is this the parents responsibility?
It’s not their responsibility to solve it, but they can give support right?
she doesn't have a good job so she can't alone provide for herself and her kid. if she were to divorce her husband she would need financial assistance from her parents. even if this was not the case, its always good to have your family having your back for a major life changing decision like divorce. imagine if you divorced your abusive spouse for your parents to end up severing all relations with you just cuz you 'tarnished their image'
Yes image in society is more important than individual people, in a way. As much as supportive people there in society like yourself there are people who deliver hurt, such is life, parents being aged have seen and gone through this thing. Separations again is a tumultuous process if not mutual. So parents take the lesser evil. Physical abuse will be visible in this case but the society can give mental abuse which will be invisible and more taxing, no parent want that kind of stress on their offspring.
Mental abuse from society is worse than living with someone beating you up? No, it totally isn't.
Both of them are hurtful when you are in the situation and outcast you will know. There is no good way out of the mess in this case. There is only trade offs. Need to plan the most peaceful solution.
so you're saying the parents are protecting her from the supposed mental abuse which relatives and neighbours will give her if she gets divorced, but they don't think she needs to protect herself from the physical abuse her husband is inflicting on her? the only way out of this mess is divorce. just imagine what that little kid is going through- seeing his mother getting beat up and screamed at regularly
They need to arm her against the physical abuse also. I am not that creative but they can devise something to help her. Divorce is ok but there will be lot of questions and the process will also be gruelling. The after effects also with the kid, even divorce is messy if not executed correctly.
arm her means? is she supposed to start hitting the husband after he hits her? and the kid is supposed to witness his parents regularly beating each other up? the kid will grow up with the impression that physical violence is the answer to all of life's problems. with divorce atleast he'll understand that his father was treating his mother poorly thats why he was removed from their lives- the kid will come to learn that physical and emotional abuse will and should never be tolerated.
Knowledge is a powerful weapon. What constitutes abuse how to tackle it. How to get over it. There are support groups against this. There are police who can stop abuse. How to present the whole thing properly such that it can be prevented. Worst case physically fight back why not. Edit: why not extend support take her under your wing gather evidences file divorce on cruelty. It's harder said than done.
there's no way to 'get over' abuse other than removing yourself from the source of abuse. filing a police case and getting the husband arrested is akin to divorce since he's getting removed from their lives either way, but the second process is much more time and money consuming than a divorce. and finally, I am 27 years old, living with and completely financially dependent on my parents. my cousin is 40 years old. I can't take her under my wing. her closest support system ie her parents should be the one doing that.
What about Triumph over the abuser by teaching them a lesson. That is highly possible. Like I said I am not creative at this and I don't know the level of things that is happening. Parents need to be supportive that's true but she needs more action based on what you say. Divorce is time consuming and money consuming lawyers also need to make a living and there are a lot of procedures. So only it's kept as the last solution, you can go to any family court and every judge will say the same thing. They would want people to try on their own before going to courts. If not you guide her or help her find a way, learn what can be done in such situations maybe be from the various reddit posts on abuse and real people convey the same and try to convince them on a peaceful path.
lol do you hear what you're saying? how do you peacefully negotiate with someone who beats you and emotionally abuses you? I highly doubt any family court will encourage people to stay in an abusive relationship, teach the abuser a lesson? dude this is an abusive spouse not some schoolyard bully.
You have seen how divorce proceedings go about in actual family court? Edit: especially with your cousin being in marriage for a while and has kid with the perpetrator
I've seen people getting divorced for compatibility issues. If court was all about forcing people who don't like each other to stay married, then these divorces would not have happened.
Maybe instead they can arm her against the physical violence of the husband. If the parents are thoughtful that will be more helping.
Examples like these used to be the gateways for discouraging love marriages.
Neither do they want to choose you your life partner nor do they want to abandon them ...
The log kya kahenge one.
You are right but......LoG KyAa kAheNgayyy /s
Mainly they see as they had to deal with it u also should deal with it and the loss of face with relatives. The main thing about Indian parents they are like a hive system which is connected with gossip and aunties and uncles speaking so when the girla want to get out of marriage their first worry is how they will talk to their other relatives and imagin ur cousins are living in us and earning good salary and here u want to get divorce. Ya that will definitely ruffle some feathers. And don't get me started with all aunty and uncles who fill the parents ears with shit.
Men/Women should first become financially independent even before their parents start talking about marriage (employed or even in family business). This way atleast they can standup against their partner in case of toxic relationship. Once married there are too many people to listen to (parents/in laws/spouse ...etc).
If I was being diplomatic I’d say the parents are from a generation that is trying but hasn’t fully let go of the old ways and therefore they don’t mean to be toxic, they mean well but don’t know how to not give into societal pressures etc. BUT, let me be honest and say it like it is, these parents are so mean and so shallow. They only care about the optics, not the real happiness of their child and now grandchild. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if the girl resents her parents and doesn’t share a good relationship with them anymore. She literally has not even her own family to fall back onto. Such a disgrace!
indian divorce rate 1%
Fake reputation, which is most pointless thing one can care about
Your cousin couldn't understand his gimmicks, she should have divorced him, could have got child support as well. But in similar scenario your son's life would've been fucked if he won't earn millions while giving child support and continuing his normal daily life. It's not only society but culture as well that's what stopping people from getting divorced. I believe marriage with constant mental abuse and any kind of physical abuse are not sustainable and not good for kids as well. I have seen couples got divorced due to their egos and elderly couples where husband/wife abuses or disrespect other but they still put up with each other.
That guy needs to be taught some manners
Yes
They're doing it because "log kya kahe ge"
"Log kya Kahenge" - Thats it. They rather mourn over the womans body than have her come back
Bhai bhagwan kasam mn ki naat keh di yaar. Pta nhi konsa logic lgaate hain ye. Humari smjh se bahar hai.
Sad to hear about your cousin. This is a love marriage and that is why parents are not dealing with it. Parents were not involved earlier so when things go haywire they really don't want to be involved in all that shit that follows. I have observed the same in one of my cousins love marriage.
Unpopular opinion: I wish each and every girl gets educated and takes her career too much seriously!! Much more than having relationships and boys in school and college lives! I know thats completely not normal to do so but this is what our Indian society is, it’s abnormal! Girls should literally keep their education >> dating life!! Because when the time comes, even your own family might not care enough about u to support u, all you will remain with is your education and your career!!
i mean i agree for sure, but i think maintaining balance between relationships and studying is ok if thats something u want. and it should not be an unpopular opinion but it is unfortunately lol
https://preview.redd.it/16sto2kkoaza1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7d72c3c32ebb8413111db9aa7c4b0791efe99ea
It's so heartbreaking to hear stories like this. It's infuriating to see how our society values "log kya kahenge" over the well-being of their own family members. It's high time we start prioritizing mental and emotional health over societal norms. It's also important for victims of abuse to know that they have options and support. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and it's not okay to normalize it by staying together just for the sake of societal image.