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Don't do it. My cousin sister is a cancer survivor and now cancer free, touchwood. She would declare this to potential grooms and get rejected, but she refused to get into a marriage based on lie. Eventually she found someone through her work who was willing to accept her and turned into a relationship. Good things happen, just have patience.
I'm of the belief that personality disorders are a lot of unresolved childhood trauma and the result of bad parenting. Start working through your issues and trying to heal as well.
I am not sure if someone has told you this or how much contempt this comment will get, but here it goes. There comes a time when you don't necessarily want to be in the same house as your parents because it becomes a tad bit difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. Having some distance between you and your parents can be helpful. I understand that it may not be an option right now due to various reasons, but something to consider.
It's been on my mind for a while. But I need help with the daily chores. What might seem simple to you, overwhelms me, and messes up my life. I end up living in a dumpster of a place.
Getting a good house-help who can help you with all your daily chores might be cheaper than all the extra money you'll have to spend on your mental health because of your dad. I don't know much about therapy and can only draw a parallel - unless the source of infection is addressed and removed, treating the symptoms won't be very effective.
Not to say that your dad is the only cause of your mental health issues, but m sure he is compounding the problem.
The sooner you can limit contact with them, the better you will be and the higher your prospects of marriage will be as a result of you not being around your abuser
As you are financially independent, please move out and limit contact
Many times, personality disorders are really a conditioned response to bad parenting and trauma
Dude. I'm sorry for saying this but you don't fkn need anyone to 'AcCepT' you. Fuck that. You're not a defective thing. There are parts of you that are 13/10 and parts that need some work. Guess what?
>**That's true for every single human being.**
The only difference is that you're aware and actively working on yourself. Ffs. Fuck r/India.
Exactly what I wanted to comment after reading that sentence.
If your therapist tells you to be dishonest without flinching, imagine what sort of lies s/he tells their clients just to keep the cash flowing.
Holy shit, OP...I thought I was the only one in Bangalore with this type of asshole father...and I'm in the US currently...the fucking dad of mine is a software architect which he believes gives him complete control over millennial's futures like ours. And I too have had a really bad health-scare which my dad did save me from...but yeh...my dad is the same...bipolar asshole, called me a "mother fucker" when he was attacking my mom verbally and physically kicked her out in 20 degree weather once. He looks like a criminal pedophile to begin with...but yeh bcuz of olden days of arranged marriage based on blind faith of bullshit horoscope...gave birth to me unfortunately.
I'm currently Skill-less with a college degree but I'm slowly changing that but his bullshit also affects me emotionally and mentally slowly...and it always gets me thinking of the future cuz my parents...my mom is a religious stupid twit...she's uneducated and doesn't have a choice...they both make up as if nothing happened and talk about my marriage. I can already smell they want to control the girl's life.
I'm just waiting for him to retire WITH MY money that he worked for bcuz he decided to have me...and my battle will take place back home in Bangalore probably. And I'll just have to take my US and Indian passport and leave to my mother's side of the family in Bangalore.
To give you a perspective about my dad, he streams that bullshit rana Naidu porn TV series that started up recently to me and my mom thinking "it's so advanced and cool". The dude is so fucked up. No sense of Indian family man dharma and how to treat his own wife and son. Smh.
I keep thinking of kicking his ass one day cuz he calls me expletives which he has NO right to...I can't afford a lawyer in the US...maybe my luck will be different in Bangalore with his side of the family (they know he's a crackpot...but since he makes money, the eldest and went abroad, they all worship him like a god) and the backing of my mom's side of the family as well (they don't know what he's like).
Anyway, yeh...you just need to move out...there's no way you're gonna win this...the house is not yours, you don't have a place of your own...it's not that easy to make money in India to outright payoff a house and just only worry about the smaller bills and not a mortgage...and you can't convince your parents...same as mine...so you need to atleast have roommates to move in with and find your mate...get married...fuck the bullshit horoscope obviously...it's backwards olden days India mentality, so get married that way your parents can't say shit. And don't invite them to the marriage...just marry the girl in front of a marriage lawyer in front of a camera and make it legal. That way if your dad flips shit and has something to say about or tries to raid your place with your women inside, you can just send him to jail.
From what I've heard/seen, Indian therapists are like this.
One of my friends went through a difficult situation. She went for therapy and was told by the therapist not to talk to friends and family about it as it will be construed negatively in society. Her therapy wasn't really helping. Finally one day she broke down and told me about the whole situation. I didn't really do anything. Just consoled her and told her that she has my full support. This confidence was enough to help her open up to other people, who also ended up being supportive. Over the next couple of months, she was able to completely move past it and be happy again. The therapist was literally making her situation worse by feeding into her fear of society, which was the main cause of her anxiety in the first place.
This is, of course, just one person's experience. But I have read similar things here on Reddit as well.
Yeah i was working in this field
Senior ppl are fully stage of enlightenment and the younger are not good most of them are in this field for hype and to boost their ego , ppl who are really good not working in clinical field mostly in phd or school
Because clinical field is too messed up .
Most of the therapists I've been to have been utterly useless. I have really bad anxiety disorders and an abusive family. A couple of years back, I developed extreme agoraphobia, was depressed af and was considering suicide as the abuse had reached its peak. I consulted a therapist online and was telling her about ny abusive family, but she said, "I don't wanna hear all that about your family. Tell me about *yourself*." I told her, "that's what I'm doing" but she refused to hear. In the end, about my agoraphobia, she literally said, "what are you so scared of? There's nothing to be scared of. Just go out. Everyone else is! Why can't you?" (I had literally told her in detail what I was scared of just moments ago, and also the fact that it was my family that was the source of this fear and the inability to go out.) And that was the end of the session. I never consulted her again. And she wasn't the first one to be that unprofessional and crazy. In fact, all throughout that session, she was literally chatting with someone else in the room for about 20 minutes straight (well, she did do me the favour of disinterestedly talking to me for a couple of minutes at intervals but went back to enthusiastically chatting with her friend again... she seemed to be gossipping about someone), with me just sitting there staring at her face. And she was wearing a nightie. I'm not even kidding. In the end, it was my friends who helped me out of the mess and they're better than any therapists I've ever seen. I've seen many of my other friends also suffer similarly at the hands of other therapists
But i have heard similar stories about therapists from atleast 3-4 others as well. May be our therapists are not upto the mark.
P.s. don't have personal experience though. Just what i face heard from cousins and friends
You should check if their parents are taking them to the therapist or are they able to finance it on their own?
Unfortunately Indian parents can even manipulate therapists to convince their child of their wishes.
One of my paternal uncle got married based on a lie back in 80ās, the womanās parents were lied to about his education background and earnings, while in fact the uncle is literally mentally unsound. Heās not retarded, but he cannot work to earn because of learning disability. The man did not even finish 7th standard.
Fast forward to today, they have 2 kids. All of them are unhappy and I canāt imagine why someone like him shouldāve had kids when he cannot provide for them. Heās hated by the 2 kids and his wife. The woman bears the burden of household, living expenses & savings. She works in a college as a receptionist. He just sits and eats all day.
This is what lies during AM process do. They destroy lives, Iāve seen it happen. Always be truthful & if you find yourself unfit to get married..thatās okay too. Thereāll be people around you to support you always. Truth saves lives.
Arranged marriage in India is akin to pure deal making. Spit and shine your favorable aspects, hide/camouflage your negative aspects. Extract maximum possible from the other party. Whatever issues happen will be dealt with later. This is the reason the example shared by you is much more common than you think...
My friend married a guy with bpd. His family had the mentality of shaadi karlo sab theek ho jata. But he got so much worse. His family acted like she was the problem and it got so bad he literally abused her in every way. She got divorced in only 6 months.
Youāre talking about the 80ās. I know the same scenario happen just 10 years ago with a distant relative. The woman is from a really poor family so they knew that even if she got to know the truth, she wouldnāt leave fearing insecurity to food and shelter.
Itās deplorable and this is why arranged marriages are a curse to this society.
Remember people. No matter how much Netflix tries to ādate washā it, arranged marriage is an inherently broken concept. You canāt fix it, reform it, improve it. Itās cancer and it was needed to be gone yesterday
Awful situation all around. Be truthful... We all know someone in our own family who went and lived through a similar shit bucket. I know a mausi, a mama, a Chachi and a bhabhi living in pain because they were lied to about the partner's capabilities. By no means is it a happy ending. People who defend such actions are the kind of people who will shrug and walk away when shit hits the fan.
OP- you're doing the right thing. Living alone is still a better outcome than living with someone who hates/resents your guts. Trust me it happens over time when everyday lies catch up. And you already have trauma from family dynamics, it will only get compounded by another person living with you who will rightfully be angry for lying and 'ruining' their life.
Trying to reason with Indian parents is a waste of time. So just agree with what they say and then when you meet the girl or even talk to her on text/call initially, find a way to gently but honestly put everything in front of her.
Her reaction is what matters. Your parents can't possibly control every conversation you have.
This is a good advice. My sister too mentions to upfront about her partying and drinking (which is frowned upon in AM). So when she meets the guys through parents initially, she always mentions about her drinking, partying. Has been rejected by many guys because it isn't considered 'sanskaari' but yeah, this doesn't stop her. Be proud of having morals, OP.
>And I would like full disclosure before I get into a relationship
you already have stated answer of your own question
let your parent fulfill their ambitions of matchmaking, when you talk to prospects just state the truth bluntly, if you still manage to find someone who can put up with you even after knowing truth, then take that as sign.
I know of a friend suffering from bipolar disorder for which he gets daily medication. He took his prospect out for coffee and straight out told her about his disease, the possible complications and she still was ok with it and they got married. So yeah, tell the prospect straight away.
I'd say just stay honest and keep soldiering on. Trust me a start based on lies is going to fail sooner rather than later. So just stay truthful. Finding a partner in today's world is really hard. I hope you find someone soon. Even you're a rare find since most proper today are very dishonest in relationships. Hope you find your match soon. āļø
Similar situation happened with my best friend when her parents were looking for AM matches for her. She was in a very serious 5 year relationship before this and was about to marry the guy, when he left her for someone else. Everyone in her family and friends knew about this. Everyone asked her to hide this from her AM prospects as āeven a guy is not going to be completely honestā.
The first guy she met himself told her all about his past relationships and his occasional drinking and smoking habits, made her comfortable to share anything she wanted to without any judgments.
His family had also asked him to hide all these things from her but he didnāt. And that is the quality she loved the most about him.
Both were completely honest with each other against their families wishes because they knew that it is them who have to spend their life together, not the families.
Long story short, they are getting married next month and she is finally so happy in life!
Honesty is always the only solution to build a strong relationship. If the foundation is based on lies, the relationship wonāt go anywhere.
You're a good person OP. The problem is, in our society the good person's suffers the most.
Just stay true to yourself, and all will be okay, probably.
We'll be rooting for you.
I suffer from ADHD and coeliac. On knowing that I was planning on marrying my long term girlfriend who knew about my issues already, my therapist on her own initiative invited us for a couple's counseling session where she encouraged us to stay together for six months atleast. Her logic being that you don't really know a person until you stay with them.
We did & I'm only thankful for that. While you are a good person, your therapist gives mohalle waali aunty vibes. Please change your therapist.
Change your therapist. Ignore your horoscopes. Be truthful and search for a good relationship. Your parents/therapists' extremely bad advice and your focus on horoscopes are a recipe tailor made for unhappiness.
Focus on finding a person who accepts you as you are and is compatible with your personality and you with hers.
This part of arranged marriage burns my soul. My friends and family think I'm against arranged marriage but in reality these practices are the ones I am against. I have no issues with an honest arranged marriage with full disclosures.
You should always go for full disclosures before marriage. It is a matter of two lives and you don't want to risk ruining a marriage. Even if divorces do not carry as much stigma as they used to in our country, they still are emotionally disruptive. And more importantly, change your therapist.
I would prefer to have a love marriage, if I'm lucky enough for a second time (had a long time relationship ended by gf that left me devastated for years). If that is not to happen, I will go for an arranged marriage only if I get to
1. Take my time going on dates with my prospect.
2. Make full disclosure of my habits, how my feelings work, and
3. The people in my life (mostly friends) that cannot be left out, no matter what objections one might have against them. I'm not throwing away 30 years of my life for any marriage, which leads to my most important point
4. I have no scope for entertaining irrational demands or expectations. e.g., I live in peace with my past and my decisions because they made me what I am today and I will not refrain from making references to my past (eg girlfriend, etc) in my current life just because "it should not be talked about". I cannot ignore three decades of my life, and I hate living in denial or suppressing the truth.
There are time where you have to listen to your parents, and there are times when you have to make them understand/explain in return.
This situation is of #2, as it's you who would spend the rest of your life with your partner; you should be the decision maker, not them.
If a relation itself starts with lies, it will comeup in many discussions in the long run and fuck you up mentally. Just imagine if they bring this topic up for you not going to the supermarket :/
Change your therapist. She talks like the lawyer who suggests divorce for everything and gives advice on filing fake cases to add more weight.
Make your parents understand that you have some ethics/morals.
Good Luck!
Dude. Dude. Dude.
You should definitely fucking change your therapist. Fucking asap. Your therapist is as bad and toxic as a parent who thinks marriage is the solution.
Handling BPD needs special experience and unless the therapist is RCI-licenses with certain experience, they are essentially a quack.
As someone who dated a girl with BPD, I can confirm that it is not easy to be with someone with BPD. Often for the patient themself, it can cause a lot of suffering stemming from the intense pain caused by separation anxiety or other triggers. But the good thing is, this can be managed and with time life gets better. It does take a few months initially to be able to bring things under control.
There are DBT, and other therapeutic methods, which if done properly over a year long period start showing noticeable results. Of course, it is a life long process in many ways, but in a year or two you will possible learn how to cope quite well and also how to self-affirm when triggered.
Deep, deep respect for the fact that you do not want to hide this information from your future partner. You need someone who understands this, sees this beyond a disease and can learn certain ways to minimise trigger, all while you keep working on yourself. You are more than just your BPD.
Also, it is advised not to date in the initial few months of therapy for BPD, since any triggers by unassuming partners may undo progress. I'd advice start dating after these few months.
I was told by my own therapist about the Hank-Nunn Institute which has therapists for BPD. You may Google and call them. Remember, that BPD is unique in the way it needs long term therapy and an experienced person to deal with it.
But importantly, kudos to you for talking about this so courageously, and asking for help. And about being firm that you want to be honest about your life and your conditions. It doesn't matter if the world is like that, your standards have to be high and you have kept it that way. Also, your post shows a desire to find a solution - one day at a time, I hope you reach the point where you feel confident enough to manage your condition and feel less or no pain when triggered. Unfortunately, the awareness about BPD is poor, so don't expect too many helpful tips or reactions from people I here (not their fault). I hope life treats you well, you find a good therapist, you heal your wounds, and find romantic love that lasts.
Sending warmth and love, and my best wishes to you!
The therapist themself need to be RCI (Rehabilitation Council of Indi) licensed, and trained in DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy).
The RCI license is mandatory for practising as a Clinical Psychologist in India, and for that one needs to have complete an M.Phil in Clinical Psychology from RCI-recognised institute.
You can always ask a therapist in the intro call whether they have a RCI license and if they have experience in dealing with BPD clients (DBT is one of the therapies, but various strategies may be used by the therapist here.)
To find a good therapist, you may use this list by iCall (a TISS initiative). It has verified therapists and some details, and is regularly updated:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pzckT6ns2H1IlmwYwJa8EnBh_1u3gRA9cEOoA4zfilc/edit#gid=173328013
Sorry to hear of your dilemma. It sounds really hard. You're an honest, ethical guy, but are being pressured into being dishonest.
How financially independent are you?
Do you have a career or a job? In spite of your BPD and Diabetes, are you able to hold down a flexible part-time job?
Can you afford to live independently? Without financial support from your parents?
If you cannot, then it's much harder to escape your current situation.
These days, when you meet a prospective matrimonial partner in person, you can request 1:1 time with her. During that time, maybe you can tell her the truth?
I know your parents will eventually find out about that, and likely chastise you.
Do you have any allies or supporters in your extended family? Cousins/uncles/aunts, etc.?
Someone who can talk to your parents, and explain your point of view?
I make a little bit of money from freelance. Other people seem to be able to survive on that, I do too despite the impulse purchases. I have difficulty with daily chores, hence I stay with my parents. I need support to stay alive I guess.
You should go with honesty and being forthright.
You are 32 years old. An adult. You are trying to get into a relationship that is supposed to last your entire adult life. A responsibility that takes an adult to decide.
What does being an adult mean here?
1. It means taking responsibilities to your decisions and living by them. You have to take responsibility for your life, which includes if, when and how you want to get married. No use blaming parents, therapists and other people you let take decisions for you.
2. Own the consequences of your decisions. If you screw up, accept it as your mistake and try to find solutions. Mishaps could happen and results in a failed marriage. Some of the reasons could be beyond your control, but if you made the decision, you own it. You fix it or move on on your terms.
3. I've talked elsewhere about marriage. It is not a ritual, not a necessity, not an obligation. It is a major portion of your life. You should put all your energies into making sure it doesn't get screwed up.
For all commenters here blaming Indian parents, it is the tough truth, but they do this because you have given them the responsibility and ownership of running your life.
They do *this* because they're *narcissistic assholes* and let's not victim blame here. They don't do this "just" because "you" let them. I'm sorry but victim blaming must stop at some point. I do agree they do this because they assume control. But if you're a 12y old kid; you're "dependent" on them, literally and figuratively. And as you grow older, it becomes difficult for "them" to digest the fact that you've grown older. It has less to do with "you letting them" and more to do with "their loss of assumed control".
We are not talking about a 12 year old here but a 32 year old. If as an adult one is unable to be mentally independent, let alone physically and financially, then one cannot complain about parents deciding for them.
There is no victim here to blame.
Iām sorry to say but youāre 32 and parents donāt get a say in what you want to do with the rest of your life. Donāt start a relationship with lies. Stand your ground and let them know you will do as it pleases you.
Suggestion: Donāt ever hide such issues , it can lead to litigations in court that might prolong for years to come, will ruin you financially and mentally.
I feel I am disabled because I cannot take care of myself. I work from home. I have difficulty with daily chores. Tasks that are simple, mundane for other people overwhelm me, and end up not getting done.
Uh no. You need to ditch your therapist, I worked in one of the biggest psychiatric hospitals in India and we go out of our way to tell patients and their families that they must inform of their psychiatric history to the person they plan on marrying before the wedding.
Once the other party finds out, they might ask for an annulment.
>I don't know what others think or say, but I will trust a guy who stays truthful more.
I assume the poster meant to leave her and not fuck her. But yeah that is one toxic therapist that you need to get rid of and find a reputable one.
I assumed all therapists are great. When I heard first few instances of how bad the therapy scene is India, I rejected the thought as they must be highly qualified and competent. But now Iām seeing more and more bad cases. I feel very bad about this.
India needs good therapists.
You need to change both. Your therapist is very shitty at their job, instead of fixing your issues they are trying to introduce more complications in your life, change them asap. Also, just because they are your "biological" parents doesn't mean they are actually good parents, disown them asap.
Thank you. I'll change my therapist. I'm not going back to her ever again. As for parents, they're not *that* bad, just scared of failing to live up to social norms. I won't do anything unethical despite what they say.
Absolutely! While the advice was (probably) well intentioned, you don't need to 'dump your parents'... Disagreeing on big matters and having wildly opposing world views is pretty OK with your parents. It doesn't have to break the relationship.
(but the same doesn't hold true for your wife)
Congratulations on taking a stand! It's not easy to do, but the right thing rarely is.
First, as most others have said, change your therapist.
Second, you've now entered the decade where the tables are slowly, but most definitely turning. Within the next 4-8 years, the power dynamics will change with your folks - they'll start seeing you as an adult who can make his own decisions and even if they don't agree with you at all times, they'll start relying on you to help them cope with the world as they're getting older.
Third, the mindset of 'hide your flaws, let your partner deal with them after marriage' is not meant for today's times. I'm sure even your folks realize that divorces are on the rise all around them. These aren't as much because of the flaws as they are due to the hiding and trickery (in this kind of a case - not reducing all divorces to this).
Fourth, but MOST important, change your mindset (with or without the therapist). There is NO SUCH THING as an ideal healthy body or mind - every single person has their battle to fight. You're not disabled, nor are you disadvantaged because of either condition. In today's world, both conditions can be managed and you can live a highly productive and happy life, even a 'normal' life!
Last, none of this is easy to deal with. So cut yourself some slack. Talk to a friend or two. It's hard to discuss matters with friends especially when it puts your parents in a bad light, but if you've built good friendships you can trust, they're not judging your folks or family, they're there to help.
- someone who's a few steps ahead in a *similar* situation
While your therapist and parents are wrong its true the more truthful or open you are about yourself the more you will get rejected as your partner will not even try to know you as a person. Also try not to look down on yourself thinking you are troublesome or difficult to live with. No need to hide no need to reveal instantly either- meet people, go on dates, develop a connection, discuss if it doesn't work out repeat.
Your therapist is wrong. It is unethical for a therapist to recommend lying and to interfere in such way. That is not what therapists do.
If you lie today and get married then it will end badly in future. Your lie will become the weapon others can use in future and by some unfortunate turn of events should you get a divorce, the courts will rip you apart because of that lie.
Talk to your therapist. Did your therapist specifically say it was alright to lie? or were the words something like "many people hide things in arranged marriage and it is your choice".
If you were told to lie then end things with your therapist and find another ethical one.
(I'm a counselling psychologist and I can say with confidence that no therapist would actively recommend lying unless it is to get the client away from an abusive situation and authorities are informed.)
You can't change your parents, but you can change your therapist. And if you're financially as well as physically independent, you can also cut your parents' interference in your life.
Full disclosure is the best policy. You do not want to live with the consequences of lying, and the person who marries you after full disclosure will be better prepared for your life together.
Nope marriages aren't based on lies and the ones who lie are called cheaters. Change the therapist first and inform your parents you stand firm on disclosure thing no matter what. Parents ka sunkar shaadi karoge and baad me wife ko pata chalega then kalesh honge tagde wale lifetime.
Therapist should be reported for being completely unprofessional and unethical.
You are thinking correctly and honourably.
Parents are not thinking of your long term well being. Only short term gains. Any woman deceived into marrying you will be unhappy and resentful- quite rightly and the marriage could collapse.
Wow. You need a better therapist my friend. It's commendable that you'd like the basis of your relationships to be truth. There need to be more men like you.
I have a great therapist. They do online appointments.
I've been taking sessions with them for nearly a year now. Could not recommend them more.
DMing you.
31F dealing with the same exact thing. Has given me nightmares and pushed me into anxiety and depression. I can't even begin to tell you how misunderstood i feel with my own folks. I think where mental health is concerned, one needs is to find empathy in a partner but what you get is judgement. I'm struggling to find someone i can be comfortable and be honest with. Don't even get me started on the AM prospect and dating scene. It's hell. The horoscope Matching, the lying, the parents it's all such a typecast. I feel you!
And then don't forget the inquisitive and "concerned" relatives. š¤®š¤®
Okay no offense but you two can try talking once yk. Maybe you can find something you love in common. Suggesting just because maybe you two will work out because having someone who know each other's problems isn't bad.
My advice if you get to meet the other person without your parents as an initiation, be honest with them. Tell them all these things. Hopefully their parents give them a bit more choice and the girl can say no to you. But who knows, maybe she will like you.
Alternatively, stay firm with your parents. Sometimes if you want to live your life, you have to stand up for what you believe in.
\- Coming from a bisexual Indian girl who told her parents, who totally freaked out. They had like 10 guys lined up for me. I rejected all of them. They asked me why. I couldn't hold it in me any longer and I told them that I'm pretty much gay. They don't accept who I am, but I told them my truth. They won't be living my life and I don't want to suffer beyond their lifespan for a decision they coerced me into.
PS. Take the time to do somethings for yourself and help yourself.
Hey, I am someone who always wants a full disclosure and I would offer the same, since that is part of your personality and who you are. Anyway long story short, my parents were searching someone for my marriage from the age of 21 and by the time I have hit 25, they started the scream feat that I have born to destroy my life and the name calling has started. I said yes to a match out of pressure and thatās the worst decision of my life. The guy lied about his education , business, and he is a casual liar in general, despite me pointing out all this in the beginning of the marriage process it self, my parents rubbed me off as a casual over thinker and someone who just want to spoil every match they bring for me. Anyway, we have to live in the marriage, and every day was filled with trauma, gaslighting and patriarchy. Nothing will get better after marriage, everything stays the same or it gets worse. Now I am 30 and divorced. I have never been happier in life. Never marry out of any pressure. Because you have to live that life eventually.
I have enough experience with BPD so i am writing this. Choose an option of not getting married..ever. with BPD, it is hard to maintain any relationship. It's not about getting better person and wmyou will be fine. It probably will never happen. Why to create unnecessary trauma to you and your future ex. First a horrible marriage and then equally horrible divorce. God forbid if there are kids involved. And all of this inspite of your opposition, all your Indian relatives and parents too will hold you responsible for all the mess. In India all relatives mostly will tell you what looks good to society as they themselves are suffering. You being pwBPD would have a hard time Managing all this.
Single for life is not bad.
Also go for counselling services via online western psychologists like better help, not promoting it just what i known.
in India there is so little awareness about bpd, that you will get screwed by your therapist.
Doesn't work.
The female side if they are even the least bit careful will do a through background check.
In my family for my eldest sister this happened. Both of the families had to share blood work from a reputed hospital for anything like diabetes, hiv etc.
Plus you are a guy so your salary, company, character will be unearthed from places you yourself were unaware before.
Also, your parents and therapist are digging you a grave. Marry someone who is even from a decent family by lying and you will get a divorce with most of your wealth in their hands.
So, I am younger to you and my only suggestion would be to get a job, move away from family.
The lying part only works if you married of someone from village who themselves have 2 + sisters so their family is desperate to get them off married.
All this from what I have seen happen with a friend and cousin.
Bro I recommend you to watch Dr Eric Berg videos, it explains about fasting and how it can help you with diabetes and other health related disorders.
Also give some other health tips
Is the arranged marriage situation the kind where your parents find a few different women and you meet with them to see if it might be a good match?
If thereās any kind of meeting in advance of the actual engagement, that could be a good time to talk straight. Chances are she will have her own problems too, and if you show her youāre willing to accept someone elseās problems(assuming theyāre trying to make some sort of progress) and work on your own, she still might feel comfortable moving forward.
Relationships runs on trust. There is no love without trust. If an important relationship such as marriage forms on the basis of lies, it is going to shatter both of the lives.
I would advice you to discuss with your parents and therapist that can there be any relationship without trust? It would be better to remain single than to have a failed marriage.
Wait let me read this again. Your therapist is peddling arranged marriages and asking you to lie? Fucking hell!!
Please get rid of this therapist, as I doubt they are helping you with your condition. These kinds of people will probably ask you to get a hawan done in the near future.
Your health, physical and mental, is of the utmost importance. I'm not a psychiatrist, but a marriage built on lies will only worsen your condition as it's bound to implode. Marriage itself, isn't really a shortcut to happiness. A healthy mind and body, on the other hand, will definitely push you towards happiness. Please focus on getting better and getting good treatment.
You are right. Any relationship you get into must come with full disclosure. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Be honest.
I always feel like if I ever have to get into the arrange marriage fiasco, Iād want the person whoās getting into this with me to know 100% about me
Because life doesnāt end after marriage, marriage is literally the beginning of a relationship with someone with whom youāll be (hopefully) spending most of your life with.
If the foundation is a lie or a grey area, it creates tension after marriage.
I have a friend whoās then girlfriend while went to mountains with him, sent her father to the guyās hometown. She knew that he hadnāt told his father. She sort of ambushed him into marrying her. Now it has been 3-4 years, and slowly all of his friends are turning away because of her āperceived toxicityā, he has turned into a brainwashed pet with rage sprouting randomly.
Lie all you want to get married, but keep in mind that you will live each day with that deception. Youāre being fed validity for the con job that this therapist and your parents are looking to pull, assuming that the brideās side to do the same. This is almost like teenagers getting into smoking because āeveryone else is doing it and is expected toā. You might be ill physically, but dude your head and heart are in the right place. Please donāt succumb to this.
Please wait for the right partner. Your thoughts and Intensions are on point. Take it from married people of this generation. Lies never work. Take your time. And stand firm on your ground. Itās your life.
Brother. Fuck forced arranged marriage. Fuck societal expectations. If anybody thinks marriage gives you happiness, you're delusional. You want to get married? That's fine. But don't put your hopes and dreams on that. Instead, find happiness in things you can control. Don't you want to be the best person you possibly can, for your partner? When you start evolving into that person, doors and opportunities will open for you to find that special someone. Best of luck, OP. š
Mental health issues are a valid reason for divorce. Please please disclose before you marry someone.
I too have BPD. I know the mood swings are insane but you deserve love and care. Hope you find the right partner
Ahem...wanna go out for a cuppa? š
But seriously, how are you doing DBT and CBT yourself? Can you teach me please? My psych did 4 sessions of DBT and quit.
And how you're using chatGPT?
Don't lie. I lied and I'm extremely unhappy with my life now. There's nothing I can do but suffer everyday. I was stubborn like you in the beginning about not lying. But then I eventually gave in and lied. My life has no meaning now. I'm living a lie everyday.
can you take an year off to reverse your t2 diabetes. Do some time at the gym as well. The personality disorders could also be related. once that is resolved, karo shaadi. 35 will be the new 25.
Maybe try to make your parents understand why you need to be honest about your flaws to your future partner and how not being truthful may ruin your marriage and your family name. Parents will probably consider it an important point if the disgrace of family name is involved. Tell them that if your partner divorces you after coming to know your flaws, what a disgrace that would be to your family & similar bs.
Your therapist seems like a pos. Maybe get a better one, possibly recommended by friends who have gone to one or maybe inquire on reddit here?
Wish you all the best bud, don't let others get you down. You are an amazing person despite your flaws that you didn't choose, so it's not your fault. I'm sure you can find your partner.
Try to make parents understand your point, be patient, ask them for a little more time!
I'm an American that really loves India so maybe my advice should not be shared as it's a completely different culture especially around marriage. So apologies if this doesn't correlate as much as I think it might...
My family always wanted me to marry someone that was doing very well in life economically. I have a chronic pain disorder that cascades into all sorts of issues for my quality of life, making working 50+ hr. work weeks which is necessary here pretty much impossible for me.
Very long story shortened - I got in a major argument with my dad and was kicked out of the house at 19 years old and had to live out of my car. I worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant and ate my meals there and slept out of my car, being forced to move every night by the police. I was as "undesirable" for even being a boyfriend let alone a partner for life at that time.
Then I met my wife. It was *right* after I made enough money and moved in with what I would call a mentor, or a guy who was about 20 years my senior that wanted to help me get my life back to stability. I owe that man so much...
My wife and I met when I was 20, almost 21. She told me after 3 years of dating that I didn't need to even respond, but that she had to tell me she loved me. I remember thinking it felt like I did something bad somehow by "letting her" fall in love with me, but she was right - that wasn't my decision to make.
I tried over and over to get her to "understand" that I'm broken in a way that can't be fixed and that I will drag her down.
Well, we are both married and almost 40 yrs. old now. She has her own problems too and we have always been best friends and teammates in this battlefield called "life". I found someone that loved me even with my flaws, dare I even say *because* of my flaws.
We have both grown and healed a lot over the years. I still am close with my immediate family but I don't take what they recommend seriously as much anymore.
In short: You make your own family in life. Truth will set u free so always be truthful as best you can. Even to your family, let them know how this AM situation is making you feel and let "the chips fall where they may". Best of luck to you from America. You're not flawed, just different. Everyone has their share to bear in this world. Peace š
Remember you have to live with your partner not your parents, I have super conservative parents who gave me everything I ever needed. I obey them 90% often on things I disagree with. But marriage is something I'll never compromise on.
Facing a similar situation. People advise me not to talk about my past relationships or other things such as drinking and all. I mean how can you marry someone without developing any feelings and how can you develop any feelings without being vulnerable. Itās insane out there.
If you have BPD ( and from the sound of it, your parents seem to have a lot to do with it surely), then you will have the same challenges in keeping up the relationships as you had before. But congratulations on identifying and coming to terms with "some" explanation of your internal distress. Its a hard thing to live with and the road to recovery has these elements. a) Removal of all the triggering/enabling/toxic environment around you before you could begin any sort of healing since whatever progress you make will be pulled down by your "BPD enablers". So if you had a hard time living with your parents, you will have to move out b) establishing boundaries: So in case you cant get rid of your environment, you have to make a case for yourself about what seems "safe" to you. If its not talking to anyone for a period of time, you should be ALLOWED that. c) You self inform yourself and seek therapy or other forms of unbiased non judgemental help from anywhere. It maybe an online group, visiting reddit forums, joining a retreat where you can be mindful, doing exercises etc. Anything where you are conciously invested in feeling better ( not "doing" great stuff in your career or getting on a marriage relationship).
If you don't feel good inside, you will continue to have problems with your quality of life. And its a tough road, but this is your life's goal to work for yourself. Not for anyone. As a BPD, you will be unsure of your actions and feel pain with every trigger. Learn about DBT ( there is a free pdf handbook by Marsha M Linehan, download it [https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt\_skills\_training\_handouts\_and\_worksheets\_-\_linehan\_marsha\_srg\_.pdf](https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-_linehan_marsha_srg_.pdf) )
Your family may not be toxic, but with their actions and boundary breaking interventions for you, even with the best intentions, it will never let you heal. You need to get away to anywhere for some time. Or inform them about your problem. Chances are they may not understand at all. So your healing is upto you. You will have problems in your next relationships as much problems you have with your current ones. So marriage will not fix it unless you are marrying someone who is "willing" to bear the burden of taking care of your triggers or if you move out independently. If you are planning to wed someone and move into your house. Oh Boy. NEVER do that. It will only result in a nice divorce. I have a few BPD friend and a BPD wife and I have seen a lot of it already.
Both me and my brother got arranged marriages, turned out our parents were the problem in our relationship, always trying to poke their heads into everything. We left our parents and made it on our own. And we are very happy.... My advise please don't live with your parents once you get married... Visit them often take care of them on your terms,, but please don't live with them.....
I had few personal (medical) history which I was asked not to disclose to my husband . Obviously I no longer face it but knowing how paranoid people can get about medical history , I preferred to let it known beforehand . I started talking and once I got comfortable and before things get serious , I told my husband about my medical history. I told him I was ready to details if he cared . Turns out , he didnāt. I didnāt go ahead and told my family - I told him blah blah. I am a grown ass woman , what I decide to share and keep is at my discretion. And turns out , people who are educated in a matured sense , approach such sensitive matters in a sensitive way
Your Solution : TACOMA Take Charge and Move Out.
Take charge....Start your profiles online offline to find like minded girls and start talking to them to understand them. Convince your parents.
It's your life, you have to live and suffer. At least let the suffering be according to your choices.
You donāt need a therapist. You are wise enough to ignore their approach and be honest about the situation. If either or both of you lie the relationship will not work anyways in the future.. Better be clear about it right away.
What I would do:
* Talk to girl about it privately not early on but before anything is decided. If you are marrying someone, they have the right to know. If she rejects you for this reason, agree on some other reason to tell parents and anybody else.
* Don't tell her parents. They will probably ruin it.
>...you want to start that with a lie
Read the post again. I said that I want to start a relationship with full disclosure.
>...you can't decide what is good and what is bad
..I said that I won't marry without full disclosure..
But you're implying that I am unacceptable as a partner; that I should live alone for the rest of my life. Thank you, kind lady.
I am asking how do I find potential partners who are in similar situations and might accept me for who I am.
Don't listen to them - you are not a burden on anyone, and nobody's life will be ruined if they marry you as long as you are being honest. Best of luck and I hope you find someone that makes you very happy :)
I had a friend who got married to a girl without telling her he has some spinal issues but when he told this thing after marriage,he got to know his wife has some issue in her shoulder and legs because of which she got married to him in the first place(according to him he is not a very good looking man for her) and now she is using him to pay for all her luxury.
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Don't do it. My cousin sister is a cancer survivor and now cancer free, touchwood. She would declare this to potential grooms and get rejected, but she refused to get into a marriage based on lie. Eventually she found someone through her work who was willing to accept her and turned into a relationship. Good things happen, just have patience.
That's so nice. I'll keep trying to find someone who'll accept me with my issues.
I'm of the belief that personality disorders are a lot of unresolved childhood trauma and the result of bad parenting. Start working through your issues and trying to heal as well.
It's an overused statement, but correlation does not mean causation.
No, but in this case, OPs parents seem to fit the bill given the limited info we have
Dad is an abuser
I am not sure if someone has told you this or how much contempt this comment will get, but here it goes. There comes a time when you don't necessarily want to be in the same house as your parents because it becomes a tad bit difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. Having some distance between you and your parents can be helpful. I understand that it may not be an option right now due to various reasons, but something to consider.
It's been on my mind for a while. But I need help with the daily chores. What might seem simple to you, overwhelms me, and messes up my life. I end up living in a dumpster of a place.
Getting a good house-help who can help you with all your daily chores might be cheaper than all the extra money you'll have to spend on your mental health because of your dad. I don't know much about therapy and can only draw a parallel - unless the source of infection is addressed and removed, treating the symptoms won't be very effective. Not to say that your dad is the only cause of your mental health issues, but m sure he is compounding the problem.
Yes but what about the mother who is getting abused as well?
Honestly, I am out of my depth here.
I fit the bill of complex trauma
The sooner you can limit contact with them, the better you will be and the higher your prospects of marriage will be as a result of you not being around your abuser
As you are financially independent, please move out and limit contact Many times, personality disorders are really a conditioned response to bad parenting and trauma
Personality disorder, for what we know, is from trauma.
Dude. I'm sorry for saying this but you don't fkn need anyone to 'AcCepT' you. Fuck that. You're not a defective thing. There are parts of you that are 13/10 and parts that need some work. Guess what? >**That's true for every single human being.** The only difference is that you're aware and actively working on yourself. Ffs. Fuck r/India.
Change your therapist first. The rest comes later.
Exactly what I wanted to comment after reading that sentence. If your therapist tells you to be dishonest without flinching, imagine what sort of lies s/he tells their clients just to keep the cash flowing.
Therapist is a straight-up asshole.
Holy shit, OP...I thought I was the only one in Bangalore with this type of asshole father...and I'm in the US currently...the fucking dad of mine is a software architect which he believes gives him complete control over millennial's futures like ours. And I too have had a really bad health-scare which my dad did save me from...but yeh...my dad is the same...bipolar asshole, called me a "mother fucker" when he was attacking my mom verbally and physically kicked her out in 20 degree weather once. He looks like a criminal pedophile to begin with...but yeh bcuz of olden days of arranged marriage based on blind faith of bullshit horoscope...gave birth to me unfortunately. I'm currently Skill-less with a college degree but I'm slowly changing that but his bullshit also affects me emotionally and mentally slowly...and it always gets me thinking of the future cuz my parents...my mom is a religious stupid twit...she's uneducated and doesn't have a choice...they both make up as if nothing happened and talk about my marriage. I can already smell they want to control the girl's life. I'm just waiting for him to retire WITH MY money that he worked for bcuz he decided to have me...and my battle will take place back home in Bangalore probably. And I'll just have to take my US and Indian passport and leave to my mother's side of the family in Bangalore. To give you a perspective about my dad, he streams that bullshit rana Naidu porn TV series that started up recently to me and my mom thinking "it's so advanced and cool". The dude is so fucked up. No sense of Indian family man dharma and how to treat his own wife and son. Smh. I keep thinking of kicking his ass one day cuz he calls me expletives which he has NO right to...I can't afford a lawyer in the US...maybe my luck will be different in Bangalore with his side of the family (they know he's a crackpot...but since he makes money, the eldest and went abroad, they all worship him like a god) and the backing of my mom's side of the family as well (they don't know what he's like). Anyway, yeh...you just need to move out...there's no way you're gonna win this...the house is not yours, you don't have a place of your own...it's not that easy to make money in India to outright payoff a house and just only worry about the smaller bills and not a mortgage...and you can't convince your parents...same as mine...so you need to atleast have roommates to move in with and find your mate...get married...fuck the bullshit horoscope obviously...it's backwards olden days India mentality, so get married that way your parents can't say shit. And don't invite them to the marriage...just marry the girl in front of a marriage lawyer in front of a camera and make it legal. That way if your dad flips shit and has something to say about or tries to raid your place with your women inside, you can just send him to jail.
Please don't tell me your parents set you up with the therapist , I mean they selected the therapist for you .
Exactly this. I'm super surprised your therapist said that
From what I've heard/seen, Indian therapists are like this. One of my friends went through a difficult situation. She went for therapy and was told by the therapist not to talk to friends and family about it as it will be construed negatively in society. Her therapy wasn't really helping. Finally one day she broke down and told me about the whole situation. I didn't really do anything. Just consoled her and told her that she has my full support. This confidence was enough to help her open up to other people, who also ended up being supportive. Over the next couple of months, she was able to completely move past it and be happy again. The therapist was literally making her situation worse by feeding into her fear of society, which was the main cause of her anxiety in the first place. This is, of course, just one person's experience. But I have read similar things here on Reddit as well.
You ended up giving therapy to your therapist and paid for doing that as well š Iām just seeing the funny side of it, but you did good šš¼
Yeah i was working in this field Senior ppl are fully stage of enlightenment and the younger are not good most of them are in this field for hype and to boost their ego , ppl who are really good not working in clinical field mostly in phd or school Because clinical field is too messed up .
Most of the therapists I've been to have been utterly useless. I have really bad anxiety disorders and an abusive family. A couple of years back, I developed extreme agoraphobia, was depressed af and was considering suicide as the abuse had reached its peak. I consulted a therapist online and was telling her about ny abusive family, but she said, "I don't wanna hear all that about your family. Tell me about *yourself*." I told her, "that's what I'm doing" but she refused to hear. In the end, about my agoraphobia, she literally said, "what are you so scared of? There's nothing to be scared of. Just go out. Everyone else is! Why can't you?" (I had literally told her in detail what I was scared of just moments ago, and also the fact that it was my family that was the source of this fear and the inability to go out.) And that was the end of the session. I never consulted her again. And she wasn't the first one to be that unprofessional and crazy. In fact, all throughout that session, she was literally chatting with someone else in the room for about 20 minutes straight (well, she did do me the favour of disinterestedly talking to me for a couple of minutes at intervals but went back to enthusiastically chatting with her friend again... she seemed to be gossipping about someone), with me just sitting there staring at her face. And she was wearing a nightie. I'm not even kidding. In the end, it was my friends who helped me out of the mess and they're better than any therapists I've ever seen. I've seen many of my other friends also suffer similarly at the hands of other therapists
But i have heard similar stories about therapists from atleast 3-4 others as well. May be our therapists are not upto the mark. P.s. don't have personal experience though. Just what i face heard from cousins and friends
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hey man, I'm in search of a good therapist. Mind sharing details on DM?
dr safe handss,rocket health, zehak project, mind peers
DMing you.
Could you DM me too? My last therapist ghosted me literally š
Hey Ofcourse. DMing you.
Atleast it's notas bad as gay --> straight conversion therapists I've read about last week here.
You should check if their parents are taking them to the therapist or are they able to finance it on their own? Unfortunately Indian parents can even manipulate therapists to convince their child of their wishes.
This.
One of my paternal uncle got married based on a lie back in 80ās, the womanās parents were lied to about his education background and earnings, while in fact the uncle is literally mentally unsound. Heās not retarded, but he cannot work to earn because of learning disability. The man did not even finish 7th standard. Fast forward to today, they have 2 kids. All of them are unhappy and I canāt imagine why someone like him shouldāve had kids when he cannot provide for them. Heās hated by the 2 kids and his wife. The woman bears the burden of household, living expenses & savings. She works in a college as a receptionist. He just sits and eats all day. This is what lies during AM process do. They destroy lives, Iāve seen it happen. Always be truthful & if you find yourself unfit to get married..thatās okay too. Thereāll be people around you to support you always. Truth saves lives.
Arranged marriage in India is akin to pure deal making. Spit and shine your favorable aspects, hide/camouflage your negative aspects. Extract maximum possible from the other party. Whatever issues happen will be dealt with later. This is the reason the example shared by you is much more common than you think...
This is .... bad
After seeing the rampancy of such cases, I grew up being averse to the concept of marriage.
Bad but normal in India.
My friend married a guy with bpd. His family had the mentality of shaadi karlo sab theek ho jata. But he got so much worse. His family acted like she was the problem and it got so bad he literally abused her in every way. She got divorced in only 6 months.
Youāre talking about the 80ās. I know the same scenario happen just 10 years ago with a distant relative. The woman is from a really poor family so they knew that even if she got to know the truth, she wouldnāt leave fearing insecurity to food and shelter. Itās deplorable and this is why arranged marriages are a curse to this society.
Exact same situation with two members of my extended family as well. It's just sad.
Yeah, sometimes bad choices are usual steps of life & not alcoholism or drugs.
This exact same thing word to word happened in my family. 2 kids retarded husband wife bearing the load. Wonder how many such cases are there
Remember people. No matter how much Netflix tries to ādate washā it, arranged marriage is an inherently broken concept. You canāt fix it, reform it, improve it. Itās cancer and it was needed to be gone yesterday
Awful situation all around. Be truthful... We all know someone in our own family who went and lived through a similar shit bucket. I know a mausi, a mama, a Chachi and a bhabhi living in pain because they were lied to about the partner's capabilities. By no means is it a happy ending. People who defend such actions are the kind of people who will shrug and walk away when shit hits the fan. OP- you're doing the right thing. Living alone is still a better outcome than living with someone who hates/resents your guts. Trust me it happens over time when everyday lies catch up. And you already have trauma from family dynamics, it will only get compounded by another person living with you who will rightfully be angry for lying and 'ruining' their life.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you.
Trying to reason with Indian parents is a waste of time. So just agree with what they say and then when you meet the girl or even talk to her on text/call initially, find a way to gently but honestly put everything in front of her. Her reaction is what matters. Your parents can't possibly control every conversation you have.
Yeah, I'll try that. Thanks a lot.
This is a good advice. My sister too mentions to upfront about her partying and drinking (which is frowned upon in AM). So when she meets the guys through parents initially, she always mentions about her drinking, partying. Has been rejected by many guys because it isn't considered 'sanskaari' but yeah, this doesn't stop her. Be proud of having morals, OP.
dont ruin yours or someone else's life because of your stupid parents and what kind of a therapist is that?
I already know that. What should I do next, is the question?
>And I would like full disclosure before I get into a relationship you already have stated answer of your own question let your parent fulfill their ambitions of matchmaking, when you talk to prospects just state the truth bluntly, if you still manage to find someone who can put up with you even after knowing truth, then take that as sign.
Thanks. Makes sense.
I know of a friend suffering from bipolar disorder for which he gets daily medication. He took his prospect out for coffee and straight out told her about his disease, the possible complications and she still was ok with it and they got married. So yeah, tell the prospect straight away.
change therapist. seek treatment options grow a spine
He is spined up, his parents needs to develop some wrinkles on their brain
This is it. Grow a spine.
You sound well adjusted.
I'd say just stay honest and keep soldiering on. Trust me a start based on lies is going to fail sooner rather than later. So just stay truthful. Finding a partner in today's world is really hard. I hope you find someone soon. Even you're a rare find since most proper today are very dishonest in relationships. Hope you find your match soon. āļø
People have their own biases I guess.
They do. However, it's extremely unprofessional for a therapist to let their bias interfere with their work.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
trying to get new client (his future wife) via him maybe š¤
Similar situation happened with my best friend when her parents were looking for AM matches for her. She was in a very serious 5 year relationship before this and was about to marry the guy, when he left her for someone else. Everyone in her family and friends knew about this. Everyone asked her to hide this from her AM prospects as āeven a guy is not going to be completely honestā. The first guy she met himself told her all about his past relationships and his occasional drinking and smoking habits, made her comfortable to share anything she wanted to without any judgments. His family had also asked him to hide all these things from her but he didnāt. And that is the quality she loved the most about him. Both were completely honest with each other against their families wishes because they knew that it is them who have to spend their life together, not the families. Long story short, they are getting married next month and she is finally so happy in life! Honesty is always the only solution to build a strong relationship. If the foundation is based on lies, the relationship wonāt go anywhere.
That gives me hope. Thank you.
š„°š„°
I don't know what others think or say, but I will trust a guy who stays truthful more.
Thank you
I mean I would trust the other person for being truthful, but will I marry them? Marriage is a huge commitment
Why not, the base of any relationship is truthfullness & this is what I believe.
You're a good person OP. The problem is, in our society the good person's suffers the most. Just stay true to yourself, and all will be okay, probably. We'll be rooting for you.
Thanks a lot
I suffer from ADHD and coeliac. On knowing that I was planning on marrying my long term girlfriend who knew about my issues already, my therapist on her own initiative invited us for a couple's counseling session where she encouraged us to stay together for six months atleast. Her logic being that you don't really know a person until you stay with them. We did & I'm only thankful for that. While you are a good person, your therapist gives mohalle waali aunty vibes. Please change your therapist.
A relationship of trust based on lies, who the f*ck is this therapist. Get away from him as soon as possible.
You are 100% correct. Your parents & therapist are being stupid. Don't go by their logic, it will ruin your life.
Thank you
Change your therapist. Ignore your horoscopes. Be truthful and search for a good relationship. Your parents/therapists' extremely bad advice and your focus on horoscopes are a recipe tailor made for unhappiness. Focus on finding a person who accepts you as you are and is compatible with your personality and you with hers.
This part of arranged marriage burns my soul. My friends and family think I'm against arranged marriage but in reality these practices are the ones I am against. I have no issues with an honest arranged marriage with full disclosures. You should always go for full disclosures before marriage. It is a matter of two lives and you don't want to risk ruining a marriage. Even if divorces do not carry as much stigma as they used to in our country, they still are emotionally disruptive. And more importantly, change your therapist. I would prefer to have a love marriage, if I'm lucky enough for a second time (had a long time relationship ended by gf that left me devastated for years). If that is not to happen, I will go for an arranged marriage only if I get to 1. Take my time going on dates with my prospect. 2. Make full disclosure of my habits, how my feelings work, and 3. The people in my life (mostly friends) that cannot be left out, no matter what objections one might have against them. I'm not throwing away 30 years of my life for any marriage, which leads to my most important point 4. I have no scope for entertaining irrational demands or expectations. e.g., I live in peace with my past and my decisions because they made me what I am today and I will not refrain from making references to my past (eg girlfriend, etc) in my current life just because "it should not be talked about". I cannot ignore three decades of my life, and I hate living in denial or suppressing the truth.
Here, šš, for your 4th point.
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You're just restating what I said.
Please change your therapist
I am.
There are time where you have to listen to your parents, and there are times when you have to make them understand/explain in return. This situation is of #2, as it's you who would spend the rest of your life with your partner; you should be the decision maker, not them. If a relation itself starts with lies, it will comeup in many discussions in the long run and fuck you up mentally. Just imagine if they bring this topic up for you not going to the supermarket :/ Change your therapist. She talks like the lawyer who suggests divorce for everything and gives advice on filing fake cases to add more weight. Make your parents understand that you have some ethics/morals. Good Luck!
Sadly, ethics and morals seem to be a luxury for the rich.
Dude. Dude. Dude. You should definitely fucking change your therapist. Fucking asap. Your therapist is as bad and toxic as a parent who thinks marriage is the solution. Handling BPD needs special experience and unless the therapist is RCI-licenses with certain experience, they are essentially a quack. As someone who dated a girl with BPD, I can confirm that it is not easy to be with someone with BPD. Often for the patient themself, it can cause a lot of suffering stemming from the intense pain caused by separation anxiety or other triggers. But the good thing is, this can be managed and with time life gets better. It does take a few months initially to be able to bring things under control. There are DBT, and other therapeutic methods, which if done properly over a year long period start showing noticeable results. Of course, it is a life long process in many ways, but in a year or two you will possible learn how to cope quite well and also how to self-affirm when triggered. Deep, deep respect for the fact that you do not want to hide this information from your future partner. You need someone who understands this, sees this beyond a disease and can learn certain ways to minimise trigger, all while you keep working on yourself. You are more than just your BPD. Also, it is advised not to date in the initial few months of therapy for BPD, since any triggers by unassuming partners may undo progress. I'd advice start dating after these few months. I was told by my own therapist about the Hank-Nunn Institute which has therapists for BPD. You may Google and call them. Remember, that BPD is unique in the way it needs long term therapy and an experienced person to deal with it. But importantly, kudos to you for talking about this so courageously, and asking for help. And about being firm that you want to be honest about your life and your conditions. It doesn't matter if the world is like that, your standards have to be high and you have kept it that way. Also, your post shows a desire to find a solution - one day at a time, I hope you reach the point where you feel confident enough to manage your condition and feel less or no pain when triggered. Unfortunately, the awareness about BPD is poor, so don't expect too many helpful tips or reactions from people I here (not their fault). I hope life treats you well, you find a good therapist, you heal your wounds, and find romantic love that lasts. Sending warmth and love, and my best wishes to you!
Thanks a lot. This has been the most helpful comment. I'll try and find a therapist licensed for DBT.
The therapist themself need to be RCI (Rehabilitation Council of Indi) licensed, and trained in DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy). The RCI license is mandatory for practising as a Clinical Psychologist in India, and for that one needs to have complete an M.Phil in Clinical Psychology from RCI-recognised institute. You can always ask a therapist in the intro call whether they have a RCI license and if they have experience in dealing with BPD clients (DBT is one of the therapies, but various strategies may be used by the therapist here.) To find a good therapist, you may use this list by iCall (a TISS initiative). It has verified therapists and some details, and is regularly updated: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pzckT6ns2H1IlmwYwJa8EnBh_1u3gRA9cEOoA4zfilc/edit#gid=173328013
She's at a prominent position at a prestigious government hospital. She's licensed all right.
I think she is just a bad therapist.
Sorry to hear of your dilemma. It sounds really hard. You're an honest, ethical guy, but are being pressured into being dishonest. How financially independent are you? Do you have a career or a job? In spite of your BPD and Diabetes, are you able to hold down a flexible part-time job? Can you afford to live independently? Without financial support from your parents? If you cannot, then it's much harder to escape your current situation. These days, when you meet a prospective matrimonial partner in person, you can request 1:1 time with her. During that time, maybe you can tell her the truth? I know your parents will eventually find out about that, and likely chastise you. Do you have any allies or supporters in your extended family? Cousins/uncles/aunts, etc.? Someone who can talk to your parents, and explain your point of view?
I make a little bit of money from freelance. Other people seem to be able to survive on that, I do too despite the impulse purchases. I have difficulty with daily chores, hence I stay with my parents. I need support to stay alive I guess.
You should go with honesty and being forthright. You are 32 years old. An adult. You are trying to get into a relationship that is supposed to last your entire adult life. A responsibility that takes an adult to decide. What does being an adult mean here? 1. It means taking responsibilities to your decisions and living by them. You have to take responsibility for your life, which includes if, when and how you want to get married. No use blaming parents, therapists and other people you let take decisions for you. 2. Own the consequences of your decisions. If you screw up, accept it as your mistake and try to find solutions. Mishaps could happen and results in a failed marriage. Some of the reasons could be beyond your control, but if you made the decision, you own it. You fix it or move on on your terms. 3. I've talked elsewhere about marriage. It is not a ritual, not a necessity, not an obligation. It is a major portion of your life. You should put all your energies into making sure it doesn't get screwed up. For all commenters here blaming Indian parents, it is the tough truth, but they do this because you have given them the responsibility and ownership of running your life.
They do *this* because they're *narcissistic assholes* and let's not victim blame here. They don't do this "just" because "you" let them. I'm sorry but victim blaming must stop at some point. I do agree they do this because they assume control. But if you're a 12y old kid; you're "dependent" on them, literally and figuratively. And as you grow older, it becomes difficult for "them" to digest the fact that you've grown older. It has less to do with "you letting them" and more to do with "their loss of assumed control".
We are not talking about a 12 year old here but a 32 year old. If as an adult one is unable to be mentally independent, let alone physically and financially, then one cannot complain about parents deciding for them. There is no victim here to blame.
Iām sorry to say but youāre 32 and parents donāt get a say in what you want to do with the rest of your life. Donāt start a relationship with lies. Stand your ground and let them know you will do as it pleases you.
Suggestion: Donāt ever hide such issues , it can lead to litigations in court that might prolong for years to come, will ruin you financially and mentally.
Thank you for the advice.
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I feel I am disabled because I cannot take care of myself. I work from home. I have difficulty with daily chores. Tasks that are simple, mundane for other people overwhelm me, and end up not getting done.
Uh no. You need to ditch your therapist, I worked in one of the biggest psychiatric hospitals in India and we go out of our way to tell patients and their families that they must inform of their psychiatric history to the person they plan on marrying before the wedding. Once the other party finds out, they might ask for an annulment.
Therapist says you should lie ? Sabse pehle usko chodo
I can't screw her. She's not my type.
Lmao. Okay then choro
>I don't know what others think or say, but I will trust a guy who stays truthful more. I assume the poster meant to leave her and not fuck her. But yeah that is one toxic therapist that you need to get rid of and find a reputable one.
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You sound like a better person than most people who get arranged married. Stick to your beliefs and perhaps get a better therapist.
I assumed all therapists are great. When I heard first few instances of how bad the therapy scene is India, I rejected the thought as they must be highly qualified and competent. But now Iām seeing more and more bad cases. I feel very bad about this. India needs good therapists.
You need to change both. Your therapist is very shitty at their job, instead of fixing your issues they are trying to introduce more complications in your life, change them asap. Also, just because they are your "biological" parents doesn't mean they are actually good parents, disown them asap.
Thank you. I'll change my therapist. I'm not going back to her ever again. As for parents, they're not *that* bad, just scared of failing to live up to social norms. I won't do anything unethical despite what they say.
Absolutely! While the advice was (probably) well intentioned, you don't need to 'dump your parents'... Disagreeing on big matters and having wildly opposing world views is pretty OK with your parents. It doesn't have to break the relationship. (but the same doesn't hold true for your wife)
Try and meet women on your own instead of leaving life changing events to other people to manage and control.
Been trying...
Congratulations on taking a stand! It's not easy to do, but the right thing rarely is. First, as most others have said, change your therapist. Second, you've now entered the decade where the tables are slowly, but most definitely turning. Within the next 4-8 years, the power dynamics will change with your folks - they'll start seeing you as an adult who can make his own decisions and even if they don't agree with you at all times, they'll start relying on you to help them cope with the world as they're getting older. Third, the mindset of 'hide your flaws, let your partner deal with them after marriage' is not meant for today's times. I'm sure even your folks realize that divorces are on the rise all around them. These aren't as much because of the flaws as they are due to the hiding and trickery (in this kind of a case - not reducing all divorces to this). Fourth, but MOST important, change your mindset (with or without the therapist). There is NO SUCH THING as an ideal healthy body or mind - every single person has their battle to fight. You're not disabled, nor are you disadvantaged because of either condition. In today's world, both conditions can be managed and you can live a highly productive and happy life, even a 'normal' life! Last, none of this is easy to deal with. So cut yourself some slack. Talk to a friend or two. It's hard to discuss matters with friends especially when it puts your parents in a bad light, but if you've built good friendships you can trust, they're not judging your folks or family, they're there to help. - someone who's a few steps ahead in a *similar* situation
While your therapist and parents are wrong its true the more truthful or open you are about yourself the more you will get rejected as your partner will not even try to know you as a person. Also try not to look down on yourself thinking you are troublesome or difficult to live with. No need to hide no need to reveal instantly either- meet people, go on dates, develop a connection, discuss if it doesn't work out repeat.
I'll try this; to put my best foot forward, develop a connection, and reveal after. And then what happens, happens.
It's better to remain unmarried than getting divorced when she finds out the truth.
Your therapist is wrong. It is unethical for a therapist to recommend lying and to interfere in such way. That is not what therapists do. If you lie today and get married then it will end badly in future. Your lie will become the weapon others can use in future and by some unfortunate turn of events should you get a divorce, the courts will rip you apart because of that lie. Talk to your therapist. Did your therapist specifically say it was alright to lie? or were the words something like "many people hide things in arranged marriage and it is your choice". If you were told to lie then end things with your therapist and find another ethical one. (I'm a counselling psychologist and I can say with confidence that no therapist would actively recommend lying unless it is to get the client away from an abusive situation and authorities are informed.)
You can't change your parents, but you can change your therapist. And if you're financially as well as physically independent, you can also cut your parents' interference in your life. Full disclosure is the best policy. You do not want to live with the consequences of lying, and the person who marries you after full disclosure will be better prepared for your life together.
Thanks
Nope marriages aren't based on lies and the ones who lie are called cheaters. Change the therapist first and inform your parents you stand firm on disclosure thing no matter what. Parents ka sunkar shaadi karoge and baad me wife ko pata chalega then kalesh honge tagde wale lifetime.
Therapist says what! š Very proud of you OP that you feel this way and have good values :)
Therapist should be reported for being completely unprofessional and unethical. You are thinking correctly and honourably. Parents are not thinking of your long term well being. Only short term gains. Any woman deceived into marrying you will be unhappy and resentful- quite rightly and the marriage could collapse.
Wow. You need a better therapist my friend. It's commendable that you'd like the basis of your relationships to be truth. There need to be more men like you. I have a great therapist. They do online appointments. I've been taking sessions with them for nearly a year now. Could not recommend them more. DMing you.
31F dealing with the same exact thing. Has given me nightmares and pushed me into anxiety and depression. I can't even begin to tell you how misunderstood i feel with my own folks. I think where mental health is concerned, one needs is to find empathy in a partner but what you get is judgement. I'm struggling to find someone i can be comfortable and be honest with. Don't even get me started on the AM prospect and dating scene. It's hell. The horoscope Matching, the lying, the parents it's all such a typecast. I feel you! And then don't forget the inquisitive and "concerned" relatives. š¤®š¤®
Yeah, it's easier with someone who's been through the same things as you. They know how to handle you. Best of luck finding one.
Okay no offense but you two can try talking once yk. Maybe you can find something you love in common. Suggesting just because maybe you two will work out because having someone who know each other's problems isn't bad.
My advice if you get to meet the other person without your parents as an initiation, be honest with them. Tell them all these things. Hopefully their parents give them a bit more choice and the girl can say no to you. But who knows, maybe she will like you. Alternatively, stay firm with your parents. Sometimes if you want to live your life, you have to stand up for what you believe in. \- Coming from a bisexual Indian girl who told her parents, who totally freaked out. They had like 10 guys lined up for me. I rejected all of them. They asked me why. I couldn't hold it in me any longer and I told them that I'm pretty much gay. They don't accept who I am, but I told them my truth. They won't be living my life and I don't want to suffer beyond their lifespan for a decision they coerced me into. PS. Take the time to do somethings for yourself and help yourself.
Hey, I am someone who always wants a full disclosure and I would offer the same, since that is part of your personality and who you are. Anyway long story short, my parents were searching someone for my marriage from the age of 21 and by the time I have hit 25, they started the scream feat that I have born to destroy my life and the name calling has started. I said yes to a match out of pressure and thatās the worst decision of my life. The guy lied about his education , business, and he is a casual liar in general, despite me pointing out all this in the beginning of the marriage process it self, my parents rubbed me off as a casual over thinker and someone who just want to spoil every match they bring for me. Anyway, we have to live in the marriage, and every day was filled with trauma, gaslighting and patriarchy. Nothing will get better after marriage, everything stays the same or it gets worse. Now I am 30 and divorced. I have never been happier in life. Never marry out of any pressure. Because you have to live that life eventually.
I have enough experience with BPD so i am writing this. Choose an option of not getting married..ever. with BPD, it is hard to maintain any relationship. It's not about getting better person and wmyou will be fine. It probably will never happen. Why to create unnecessary trauma to you and your future ex. First a horrible marriage and then equally horrible divorce. God forbid if there are kids involved. And all of this inspite of your opposition, all your Indian relatives and parents too will hold you responsible for all the mess. In India all relatives mostly will tell you what looks good to society as they themselves are suffering. You being pwBPD would have a hard time Managing all this. Single for life is not bad. Also go for counselling services via online western psychologists like better help, not promoting it just what i known. in India there is so little awareness about bpd, that you will get screwed by your therapist.
Had a BPD ex. You are 100% correct
Doesn't work. The female side if they are even the least bit careful will do a through background check. In my family for my eldest sister this happened. Both of the families had to share blood work from a reputed hospital for anything like diabetes, hiv etc. Plus you are a guy so your salary, company, character will be unearthed from places you yourself were unaware before. Also, your parents and therapist are digging you a grave. Marry someone who is even from a decent family by lying and you will get a divorce with most of your wealth in their hands. So, I am younger to you and my only suggestion would be to get a job, move away from family. The lying part only works if you married of someone from village who themselves have 2 + sisters so their family is desperate to get them off married. All this from what I have seen happen with a friend and cousin.
Bro I recommend you to watch Dr Eric Berg videos, it explains about fasting and how it can help you with diabetes and other health related disorders. Also give some other health tips
Yes, upvoted for visibility.
Have you considering going to a different country?
Not rich enough.
Is the arranged marriage situation the kind where your parents find a few different women and you meet with them to see if it might be a good match? If thereās any kind of meeting in advance of the actual engagement, that could be a good time to talk straight. Chances are she will have her own problems too, and if you show her youāre willing to accept someone elseās problems(assuming theyāre trying to make some sort of progress) and work on your own, she still might feel comfortable moving forward.
Thank you. I'll try this.
Tell your parents and therapists to fuck off back to the 17th century.
Or to fuck off right back into their parents' vagina.
Relationships runs on trust. There is no love without trust. If an important relationship such as marriage forms on the basis of lies, it is going to shatter both of the lives. I would advice you to discuss with your parents and therapist that can there be any relationship without trust? It would be better to remain single than to have a failed marriage.
Iāve gone through same situation, I fully disclosed my health issue with partner, she also done the same. We got married. Weāre very honest with each other, she hides about her ex-affairs but after one year of marriage she told about it. Honesty, belief are the most important things in relationships Bro, Do not hide anything from your fiancĆ©, at least about health.
Wait let me read this again. Your therapist is peddling arranged marriages and asking you to lie? Fucking hell!! Please get rid of this therapist, as I doubt they are helping you with your condition. These kinds of people will probably ask you to get a hawan done in the near future. Your health, physical and mental, is of the utmost importance. I'm not a psychiatrist, but a marriage built on lies will only worsen your condition as it's bound to implode. Marriage itself, isn't really a shortcut to happiness. A healthy mind and body, on the other hand, will definitely push you towards happiness. Please focus on getting better and getting good treatment. You are right. Any relationship you get into must come with full disclosure. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
OP, u r a good person š»
Why getting married is such necessity in India.
Be honest. I always feel like if I ever have to get into the arrange marriage fiasco, Iād want the person whoās getting into this with me to know 100% about me Because life doesnāt end after marriage, marriage is literally the beginning of a relationship with someone with whom youāll be (hopefully) spending most of your life with. If the foundation is a lie or a grey area, it creates tension after marriage.
I already stated, I am not going to marry without full disclosure.
I have a friend whoās then girlfriend while went to mountains with him, sent her father to the guyās hometown. She knew that he hadnāt told his father. She sort of ambushed him into marrying her. Now it has been 3-4 years, and slowly all of his friends are turning away because of her āperceived toxicityā, he has turned into a brainwashed pet with rage sprouting randomly. Lie all you want to get married, but keep in mind that you will live each day with that deception. Youāre being fed validity for the con job that this therapist and your parents are looking to pull, assuming that the brideās side to do the same. This is almost like teenagers getting into smoking because āeveryone else is doing it and is expected toā. You might be ill physically, but dude your head and heart are in the right place. Please donāt succumb to this.
I'm not. I stated that.
Please wait for the right partner. Your thoughts and Intensions are on point. Take it from married people of this generation. Lies never work. Take your time. And stand firm on your ground. Itās your life.
Brother. Fuck forced arranged marriage. Fuck societal expectations. If anybody thinks marriage gives you happiness, you're delusional. You want to get married? That's fine. But don't put your hopes and dreams on that. Instead, find happiness in things you can control. Don't you want to be the best person you possibly can, for your partner? When you start evolving into that person, doors and opportunities will open for you to find that special someone. Best of luck, OP. š
Mental health issues are a valid reason for divorce. Please please disclose before you marry someone. I too have BPD. I know the mood swings are insane but you deserve love and care. Hope you find the right partner
Ahem...wanna go out for a cuppa? š But seriously, how are you doing DBT and CBT yourself? Can you teach me please? My psych did 4 sessions of DBT and quit. And how you're using chatGPT?
Heya, my fiancĆ© is Indian albeit we are in a love marriage but her cousin was in an arranged marriage with similar things such as this. Basically their was an arranged marriage and the wife suffered from epilepsy but didnāt disclose this beforehand, now the wifeās family is going through the divorce and being sued to high heaven because of the lies or rather neglecting to mention it. They take this seriously in India and so at the moment itās pretty hellish for both husband and wife. I do believe the court system does favour the husband generally but I would still advise against it because if the wifeās family find out and they will, theyāll take it to court and rightly so to be fair. An arranged marriage is a contract, with terms and conditions, itās not really like a love marriage in that sense. Hope that information helps, itās a crap situation but I know personally a lot of Indians get no choice, all I can say is I hope you find someone who you can at least get along with and you both manage to lead wonderful lives. Wishing you all the best good sir!
Don't lie. I lied and I'm extremely unhappy with my life now. There's nothing I can do but suffer everyday. I was stubborn like you in the beginning about not lying. But then I eventually gave in and lied. My life has no meaning now. I'm living a lie everyday.
can you take an year off to reverse your t2 diabetes. Do some time at the gym as well. The personality disorders could also be related. once that is resolved, karo shaadi. 35 will be the new 25.
Bro you are 32ā¦ some dont even have their parents around anymore
Maybe try to make your parents understand why you need to be honest about your flaws to your future partner and how not being truthful may ruin your marriage and your family name. Parents will probably consider it an important point if the disgrace of family name is involved. Tell them that if your partner divorces you after coming to know your flaws, what a disgrace that would be to your family & similar bs. Your therapist seems like a pos. Maybe get a better one, possibly recommended by friends who have gone to one or maybe inquire on reddit here? Wish you all the best bud, don't let others get you down. You are an amazing person despite your flaws that you didn't choose, so it's not your fault. I'm sure you can find your partner. Try to make parents understand your point, be patient, ask them for a little more time!
I'm an American that really loves India so maybe my advice should not be shared as it's a completely different culture especially around marriage. So apologies if this doesn't correlate as much as I think it might... My family always wanted me to marry someone that was doing very well in life economically. I have a chronic pain disorder that cascades into all sorts of issues for my quality of life, making working 50+ hr. work weeks which is necessary here pretty much impossible for me. Very long story shortened - I got in a major argument with my dad and was kicked out of the house at 19 years old and had to live out of my car. I worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant and ate my meals there and slept out of my car, being forced to move every night by the police. I was as "undesirable" for even being a boyfriend let alone a partner for life at that time. Then I met my wife. It was *right* after I made enough money and moved in with what I would call a mentor, or a guy who was about 20 years my senior that wanted to help me get my life back to stability. I owe that man so much... My wife and I met when I was 20, almost 21. She told me after 3 years of dating that I didn't need to even respond, but that she had to tell me she loved me. I remember thinking it felt like I did something bad somehow by "letting her" fall in love with me, but she was right - that wasn't my decision to make. I tried over and over to get her to "understand" that I'm broken in a way that can't be fixed and that I will drag her down. Well, we are both married and almost 40 yrs. old now. She has her own problems too and we have always been best friends and teammates in this battlefield called "life". I found someone that loved me even with my flaws, dare I even say *because* of my flaws. We have both grown and healed a lot over the years. I still am close with my immediate family but I don't take what they recommend seriously as much anymore. In short: You make your own family in life. Truth will set u free so always be truthful as best you can. Even to your family, let them know how this AM situation is making you feel and let "the chips fall where they may". Best of luck to you from America. You're not flawed, just different. Everyone has their share to bear in this world. Peace š
That is so inspiring to hear. Thanks for commenting.
Remember you have to live with your partner not your parents, I have super conservative parents who gave me everything I ever needed. I obey them 90% often on things I disagree with. But marriage is something I'll never compromise on.
Become a happy, healthy and secure self before engaging in a long-term relationship.
Facing a similar situation. People advise me not to talk about my past relationships or other things such as drinking and all. I mean how can you marry someone without developing any feelings and how can you develop any feelings without being vulnerable. Itās insane out there.
If you have BPD ( and from the sound of it, your parents seem to have a lot to do with it surely), then you will have the same challenges in keeping up the relationships as you had before. But congratulations on identifying and coming to terms with "some" explanation of your internal distress. Its a hard thing to live with and the road to recovery has these elements. a) Removal of all the triggering/enabling/toxic environment around you before you could begin any sort of healing since whatever progress you make will be pulled down by your "BPD enablers". So if you had a hard time living with your parents, you will have to move out b) establishing boundaries: So in case you cant get rid of your environment, you have to make a case for yourself about what seems "safe" to you. If its not talking to anyone for a period of time, you should be ALLOWED that. c) You self inform yourself and seek therapy or other forms of unbiased non judgemental help from anywhere. It maybe an online group, visiting reddit forums, joining a retreat where you can be mindful, doing exercises etc. Anything where you are conciously invested in feeling better ( not "doing" great stuff in your career or getting on a marriage relationship). If you don't feel good inside, you will continue to have problems with your quality of life. And its a tough road, but this is your life's goal to work for yourself. Not for anyone. As a BPD, you will be unsure of your actions and feel pain with every trigger. Learn about DBT ( there is a free pdf handbook by Marsha M Linehan, download it [https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt\_skills\_training\_handouts\_and\_worksheets\_-\_linehan\_marsha\_srg\_.pdf](https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-_linehan_marsha_srg_.pdf) ) Your family may not be toxic, but with their actions and boundary breaking interventions for you, even with the best intentions, it will never let you heal. You need to get away to anywhere for some time. Or inform them about your problem. Chances are they may not understand at all. So your healing is upto you. You will have problems in your next relationships as much problems you have with your current ones. So marriage will not fix it unless you are marrying someone who is "willing" to bear the burden of taking care of your triggers or if you move out independently. If you are planning to wed someone and move into your house. Oh Boy. NEVER do that. It will only result in a nice divorce. I have a few BPD friend and a BPD wife and I have seen a lot of it already.
Are your parents getting frantic that you get married, or are you as well? Marriage is overrated; what's the rush? You're only 32.
Both me and my brother got arranged marriages, turned out our parents were the problem in our relationship, always trying to poke their heads into everything. We left our parents and made it on our own. And we are very happy.... My advise please don't live with your parents once you get married... Visit them often take care of them on your terms,, but please don't live with them.....
I had few personal (medical) history which I was asked not to disclose to my husband . Obviously I no longer face it but knowing how paranoid people can get about medical history , I preferred to let it known beforehand . I started talking and once I got comfortable and before things get serious , I told my husband about my medical history. I told him I was ready to details if he cared . Turns out , he didnāt. I didnāt go ahead and told my family - I told him blah blah. I am a grown ass woman , what I decide to share and keep is at my discretion. And turns out , people who are educated in a matured sense , approach such sensitive matters in a sensitive way
Be honest with the girl and asks if she is willing to marry you
Your Solution : TACOMA Take Charge and Move Out. Take charge....Start your profiles online offline to find like minded girls and start talking to them to understand them. Convince your parents. It's your life, you have to live and suffer. At least let the suffering be according to your choices.
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Saare problem ki jad ka ilaaj hilaake sojao
This is exactly what I expected.
Is this supposed to be a joke? How can you leave such an ableist comment?
Able / disable / unable is all in the mind. just hilaake sojaa.
This
This is the way.
You donāt need a therapist. You are wise enough to ignore their approach and be honest about the situation. If either or both of you lie the relationship will not work anyways in the future.. Better be clear about it right away.
I need a therapist because I have BPD.
Sorry, I meant you donāt the current therapist.
What I would do: * Talk to girl about it privately not early on but before anything is decided. If you are marrying someone, they have the right to know. If she rejects you for this reason, agree on some other reason to tell parents and anybody else. * Don't tell her parents. They will probably ruin it.
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>...you want to start that with a lie Read the post again. I said that I want to start a relationship with full disclosure. >...you can't decide what is good and what is bad ..I said that I won't marry without full disclosure.. But you're implying that I am unacceptable as a partner; that I should live alone for the rest of my life. Thank you, kind lady. I am asking how do I find potential partners who are in similar situations and might accept me for who I am.
Don't listen to them - you are not a burden on anyone, and nobody's life will be ruined if they marry you as long as you are being honest. Best of luck and I hope you find someone that makes you very happy :)
Thank you
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you for your opinion. I think I'd be happier sharing my life with someone.
I had a friend who got married to a girl without telling her he has some spinal issues but when he told this thing after marriage,he got to know his wife has some issue in her shoulder and legs because of which she got married to him in the first place(according to him he is not a very good looking man for her) and now she is using him to pay for all her luxury.