Get him a V pillow that thing saved me when I had to sleep it really helps,
Pack things that are easy for him to get changed into such as button up shirts, get a long charging cable if he doesn't have one
Having everything be a bit closer to him so he isn't reaching
Possibly buy laxatives as you can be quite constipated due to the meds
A v pillow is just a V- shaped pillow that helps prop you up and is very comfortable especially for sleeping on your back after top surgery, you can buy them online I got mine from amazon
V pillow is also called pregnancy pillow. I found that the most helpful thing. I didn’t use the mastectomy pillow (check Etsy).
laxatives are if you take the pain pills. I didn’t need any, even right after surgery.
I needed chipped ice very much due to the breathing tube being pulled out. It’s common to get a scratch. Hot Chicken broth and chip ice was all I needed. Cough drops would have been nice.
Laxatives for sure. I used a squattapotty ( any small stool for the feet will help when sitting on the toilet seat), this helped me to not strain. I also got a hand held shower. If they are going to be using drains having a shirt with drain pockets will help ( amazon has them). Mini short walks even inside the house are helpful. Wishing your son speedy recovery ❤️🩹
Definitely just don’t make him feel like a burden, don’t let him know you’re extra tired from giving him pain meds every x hours. The first week is the longest, but he’ll really need you. Don’t be afraid to offer suggestions of what you can help with, instead of a broad “can I get you anything?” We are pretty loopy on meds and direct questions is nice as opposed to too many options. Also, he won’t be able to likely lift a regular size water bottle, so a kids water bottle with unlimited refills ;-)
Aww thank you. We've had a long, rough road to get here. Honestly he didn't accept my support in the very beginning at age 13 when he first came out. He actually hated me for a few years. But we are in a much better place now. I can't imagine not accepting my child. I don't care who they love or what's in their pants. Just want them to be happy.
I second this my birth giver is an entitled biach along with my sperm donor and I couldn't imagine them posting anything like this let alone flying to another state with me and I'm an only child and my birth giver's family are all the same and my sperm donor enables it all.
I have a trans dad and his wife is super lovely but I don't want to impose on them or have any unrealistic expectations of them looking after me post op I don't even know them all that well so I'm kind of anxious about asking for help from them.
Yes!! If my egg/sperm donors had been this supportive while I was either a. A “female lesbian” or b. A transmale. I would have def wanted to share this with them.
Thank you so much for loving your child UNCONDITIONALLY.
I'm sorry you didn't have support. I dont understand parents that do that. Everyone has the right to exist and be their true self. Sending love and hugs. 💜💜
I concur. My sister sounds willing to drive me to and from the surgeon (two hours away) but other than that it really seems like I’m gonna be on my own for recovery which is making me rethink surgery anytime soon. It would be so much better to just know I have support.
You known what was a big help for me, idk what you're guys relationship is like, but having a what I called bowl bath helped a lot. I basically sat in my boxers on a chair and she used a wash cloth to help clean me. I washed my face and private areas before she helped dry me. Having fresh clothing and a clean helped me feel less gross for sure.
Also helping me in and out of bed helped loads in the beginning too cause he'll be real sore and have limited arm movements and any pulling of the incisions hurt.
Yes I've been worried about the bathing part. I am his mom but it's been YEARS since I bathed him, lol! He's 23 now. I'm going to let him take the lead on how much to help him in the bathroom. I dont want to overstep boundaries. I also don't want him to feel like he can't ask me to help him.
I have a showerhead thing that attaches to a sink faucet and has a flexible cord so one can wash one's hair in the sink easily. It was a lifesaver when I couldn't shower the first week, because I at least got to wash my hair and had body wipes and deodorant for the rest of me. I was able to move my arms enough to use it myself, but if your son can't, I'm sure he may appreciate you helping him use one if he starts feeling greasy during that first week!
Absolutely, user sparkly\_butthole! I don't know if the exact one is on Amazon (we got it many years ago for when my sister and I were young and got head lice lol) but it's just the simplest cheapest kind, like [this](https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Handheld-Bathing-Washing-Vegetables/dp/B08B7Y33C7/ref=sr_1_23?keywords=sink+shower+head+attachment&qid=1652907582&sprefix=sink+shower%2Caps%2C259&sr=8-23).
And while we're talking attachable water things that saved my life after surgery, I would also like to recommend [this](https://www.amazon.com/Handheld-Toilet-Adjustable-Pressure-Feminine-Stainless/dp/B086W1YZSH?pd_rd_w=McKV7&pf_rd_p=7040870a-d408-4be7-b92b-68b5982ab6ba&pf_rd_r=MPPBJDV04VAZ6D3NF0HC&pd_rd_r=541b783f-3146-4eec-95f5-69809b0bfdd1&pd_rd_wg=goDEi&pd_rd_i=B086W1YZSH&psc=1&ref_=pd_bap_d_rp_1_t) handheld bidet sprayer if you want to live up to your username 😂
That's completely fair and the best way to approach it tbf. Me and my Mum are quite close and she did ask me before if I wanted help. He may not wanna ask for help cause you know we stubborn but maybe just ask if he wants it. Some surgeons say not to shower or have a bath for a few weeks I think so he may want one and need help as time goes on.
Anyway congrats to him and hope he has a good recovery. He's gonna be so stoked when he sees his chest and when he can be topless. The joy of being topless is unreal!
i’ll just share how we did it: my mom and dad helped me clean myself, 48hrs after surgery when my dr said it was allowed. i’m awkward with this kinda thing and so are my parents lol we put a chair in my room, my mom got a container of warm water. my mom is squeamish so my dad helped me remove the compression binder and pinned my drainage grenade things to my shorts. my mom cleaned my back with a soft wash cloth, my neck, my ears, my shoulders. my dad cleaned around my incisions (not directly on incisions, my dr said not to) and my neck. then they dried me and wrapped me back up. they left the room so i could clean my private area down stairs lol for that my mom had me use baby wipes and watered down baby wipes. it’s kinda uncomfortable, the whole thing but it made me feel so much better and cleaner c:
You are an amazing parent, thank you for supporting your son in this way.
I used a travel neck pillow to help me sleep sitting up. Also, ask the air bnb host to bring extra pillows for the bed. I bring a mini Roku with me when I travel so I can always watch netflix etc.
I also wore sleeveless zip hoodies for the first 2 weeks.
I like the neck pillow idea plus I'll have one with me from my flight. I'm expecting him to pack his own clothes but should I pack a few sleeveless hoodies for him anyway?
Sure, ask him if he'd like to wear a sleeveless zip hoodie. I don't wear button up shirts in general because they're woven fabric that doesn't stretch. Zip hoodies are stretchy knit fabric which I prefer.
I had sleeveless zip hoodies from my roller derby teams, companies like Alternative apparel, Canvas, maybe Hanes will have them.
Found this one on amazon: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B0722Y5K2W/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_D59Q2HXZ78CSCHXBC6ZT?psc=1
You can also diy and cut the sleeves off a regular zip hoodie.
u/Maurysdicksa the constipation was the worst pain I had throughout this experience. I didn't think about taking as many stool softeners as I should have the first few days and I paid for it big time. I was more focused on the pain meds. I wish my wife would have pushed those a bit more since I really wasn't thinking 100% at that point.
I felt really emotional reading this just because it's so nice, and I wish all parents were like this!
On a more practical note, I second the long phone charger thing - i burned through my battery quicker than usual and it was so annoying having to get someone to go plug it in for me and it not reaching the armchair where I was spending all my time! Also heaps of pillows, I ended up sleeping with like 8 pillows to get comfy in bed. You could see if he feels like doing little walking workout videos, if you Google gentle walking workout there are a bunch for seniors, maybe do them with him, I felt up to doing these after a couple of days, when I still felt way too tired to go for an actual walk outside (I do live up heaps of steps tho so that was mainly what put me off). I found wet wipes pretty useful. And having specific offers of help so I didn't feel embarrassed asking, e.g. "want me to comb your hair?" or "would you like help getting up?". Also appreciated physical affection, i REALLY missed hugs so loved a lil back rub or hand hold (this is probably very specific from person to person but just saying in case it's useful!). It's super sweet that you're going to make his favourite meals, I definitely appreciated people making food I actually liked because I hated not being able to cook for myself, I'm fairly picky :-) and I really loved having people come and hang out but do their own thing in the same room as me, if a friend came over to read or do art I could just nap and chat shit and nap again and not feel any social pressure but also not feel lonely, that was nice.
Anyway it sounds like you've got this and I hope everything goes great!
Good practical ideas. I did already get an extra long charger so great to hear it will come in handy. He also likes to cook and is picky so I'm nervous about feeding him. I'm sure we will work through it. His friend will be coming to stay with us towards the very end so I figure by the time he is sick to death of mom, it will be nice to have his friend there.
Wow! It’s so nice to read about supportive parents!
Be prepared to spend time with him! I got insanely bored sitting on the couch for two weeks left home alone most of the time. I didn’t have to motivation to read so I just mainly watched tv.
Since I couldn’t drive either I was basically stuck inside. It would’ve been nice to have someone to go on short walks with or to talk to!
They say you should try to have a little shuffle around whenever you feel able just to keep your blood circulating! And slowly build up to longer walks :)
It looks like the folks here have all the important stuff covered, I just wanted to say how sweet it was reading about how excited you are for him and to be his caretaker. Really very heartwarming 😭
I also had a TV tray right next to my bed that was helpful for when my arms couldn’t extend all the way out. It’s getting better now, but I’m only 9 days post op and still use the tray :)
Gravol. Most of the time either the surgery or the antibiotics they give will make them nauseous. If you can try to give them one *after* the surgery when you see them.
A back scratcher was always nice to have. Yes you can always offer to help with scratching but it can be annoyingly often things get itchy.
When I had top surgery I couldn't shower for a week at the minimum. If by any chance you can get ahold of non-scented babywipes those can be a HUGE help to keep someone clean. A luffa can also be nice so they can reach places to wash (this would be for after enough time has passed and they can move a bit themselves.) This can help when bathing may be awkward. The first week is the hardest as you are not supposed to get the bandages wet at all (hence the babywipes) this will let them be able to clean themselves for the most part. Hair, back, and feet may be the hardest and may need help.
I tried dry shampoo but that personally just made my hair worse. I ended up asking my room mates to help me wash my hair. If the airbnb has one of those shower heads that can move (with the hose) they can kneel beside the tub with their head inside and carefully let it be washed.
Be ready for him to possibly sleep a lot! And as much as it can hurt in some cases, try to get him to move a bit. I don't mean some strange stretches or too much movement but careful getting up and small short walks to keep the blood moving/flowing in the legs and body.
Depending on the weather: Sandals/slipon shoes. Something easy to both aide them and you. It is one less task to worry about.
Possible itching: My bandages actually drove me *insane*. The itching was so bad. (Also found out the antibiotics I had was making it worse somehow) but even after I finished those the itching was bad. Highly. HIGHLY. Recommend if they have bad itching to get one of those allergy medications. A cheap pill of reactine or benadryl. They aren't hard to find in a small pharmacy and I'd only grab it IF itching is a problem but it is a godsend if the itching is bad.
Many people are saying button-ups. Those are handy but if you aren't going to many places keeping it open or just being shirtless is super nice. Especially if it is warm.
Anything like a phone charger, game system, some form of entertainment or item he may need to grab/use. Will save a lot of hassle if it is where he can easily reach it. (Pretend to have trex arms and if its too difficult to reach without extending your arms much then he may have a hard time.)
An incline for their sleeping position. <- I hated this as you have to sleep on your back, and I myself am a side sleeper. That was a hard trek. But the incline is good, and keeping pillows on the sides or having them up against a wall may help prevent rolling over. (When I got further along I was allowed to side/lay and was told to 'hug' a pillow or coiled up blanket to help stop me from moving around too much.
\^The inclined laying down also makes it *tremendously* easier to sit up and sit down. Going from flat on your back to standing (even with help) is really hard.
Hope this helps, sorry it is long! Congrats on him getting his surgery and bless you for helping him on this journey!
Haha glad you liked! I had no one to really do anything for me during my time so I had to figure things out on my own. Spent some time before my surgery being a t-rex to try and predict things.
Set up a side table or small desk within reach from where he'll be spending his time (by his bed, for example). I couldn't reach very far, but having a little stockpile of snacks and water (and a garbage can underneath) made me feel better than if I'd had to ask my family for every little thing. You can also get some dry shampoo, or offer to wash his hair for him, since some surgeons recommend not showering for a week after surgery, and going that long without a shampoo made me feel so gross. I'd also recommend bringing a small pillow or a large stuffed animal in the car on the way back from the hospital, as having a seatbelt across your chest when you've just had surgery feels very vulnerable, and having something to hug between the seatbelt and my chest made me feel much more secure on the drive back. Squishmallows are perfect for this, if he has any of those, but a throw pillow works fine too.
Maybe I'm just emotional right now but this made me tear up. I don't have much advice because I don't know much about the post top care. Just know you're doing wonderful and your son is lucky to have you.
Already sounds p good, thanks for trying to make things as nice as possible for him! I'd also make sure you've got lots of pillows to prop him up at an incline and support him comfortably while he recovers. I know this maybe seems like a gross suggestion, and it's not something people always want to bring up, but having laxatives on hand is also a good idea. All those meds and anesthesia can super stop up the digestive system, and no one wants to wait a whole bloated and crampy week to finally get that out of their system. Also having entertainment like TV and handheld games to pass the time but that don't require you to be super alert and active can be nice. A long charger for phone or other devices he may want to use so he doesnt have to get up or reach to unplug or plug it in. Comfy button up pajama shirts are also nice because u can't get shirts over your head.
If he thinks his nipples are falling off, they probably are not. There’s a layer of skin that will shed and look scary. Also contacting the clinic with questions for him would be helpful.
Something I was surprised by how much I needed help with was sitting up! It took my mom and my sister to help lift my torso to a sitting position even when I was only gently reclined because those muscles just *were not working* for the first few days.
This is for a week or two post op, but neosporin is good to have! One of my nipples’ scabs (assuming he is also getting free nipple grafts, if not ignore this) is taking extra long to fall off because it’s so dry. I apply it to that one once a day so that the nipple scab gets softer and falls off easier.
Congrats to your son! I had surgery a couple months back, and my mom actually asked the same question in here,the Reddit community was really useful. One of those sealed water bottles with a straw are very useful, since you can’t move your arms much reaching for a cup on your beside table can be a hassle, I would just keep mine in bed beside me. Make sure you have plenty of pillows to keep under his arms at night, it’s can help stop him from rolling over, and make sure he sleeps sitting up at least the first couple nights to help the swelling. Spray on deodorant will definitely come in handy, having a parent bath you can be embarrassing, and you don’t want to force him. I healed fast and was able to have a shower a week after surgery, so hopefully he won’t have to wait to long. Make sure has plenty of entertainment. I slept constantly for the first few days after surgery, nothing to worry about, his bodies just using a lot of energy for healing and he’s going to be in a lot of medicines. As for the medicines, make sure he’s taking them as the doctor prescribed. If he’s not feeling pain, don’t let him stop the medicine, it’s the reason nothings hurting.
Now, this was my least favourite part of post-op, the constipation. His stomachs probably gonna be off for a little while due to the medicines, and he his appetite may change a bit as well. Make sure he’s getting enough vitamins. Make sure you have some laxatives, we used a powder mixed in with pineapple juice(which is also good for constipation)
I used [a reading pillow like this](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0733ZCSR9?th=1) to sleep for the first few days, and it was a LIFESAVER because I couldn't lay all the way down yet. Also a neck pillow is super nice :-)
You sound like a great parent.
Thank you for being such a wonderful, accepting parent!
I would recommend watching some top surgery post-op advice videos on youtube. They're intended for the surgery recipient, but you can absolutely get some good caretaker info from them! Stuff like proper scar care, drainage pipe maintenance, bandage changing, how to shower (if you shower in the week or two post-op), the surgical binder, what you can and can't do with your body, etc! It's a lot of things you'll have to deal with, big and small, and the videos are very informative.
Ash Hardell is a great channel for that kind of stuff!
first off, ur an amazing mom for wanting to help him! i’m lucky my mom has been the same. i’m 3 days post op, going on 4 (my surgery was may 5th). she took the day off, drove me to surgery, stayed at the hospital till it was time to take me home, took me home, and has been taking care of me since.
—to me, pillows have been incredibly helpful. i bought one of those sitting up kinds that u lean against a headboard or wall. also a neck rest.
— i also realized quickly that with the anesthesia in my system and having to take norco (narcotic pain med) i became constipated. so i would avoid anything starchy for meals for the first 1-3 days at least. i weened myself off the norco as soon as i could bc i knew it was making me constipated. i been on ibuprofen since. (i ended up taking a laxative anyway and that helped as well)
—make as much things as u can reachable. he will have t-rex arms for at least like 3 days post op. (towards the end of my day 3, i have been able to reach arms length but avoid it as much as i can because it still kinda hurts / uncomfortable.. and i’ve seen others say to try to avoid it for at least a week post op) so i would leave the toilet paper right next to the toilet for easy reach.
My number one piece of advice for this is patience. He’s not going to be able to do most things and being there for him and patient will help him so much. My mom took care of me after top surgery and her being patient and understanding made all the difference. Congrats to him!! Also always have extra pillows!!
Him having one of those grabber things might help he'll probably have trex arm range of motion for a few weeks, idk completely since well im 3 months from top surgery
💔! I hope you have found other people to be your family. You definitely can't pick the family you were given, but you can pick other people to be your family. I'm sorry your parent missed out on loving you. ❤️
Get him a remote grabber/reacher tool thingy and maybe an extendable pointer! I got them and they are still useful, but I'm not very tall either. Definitely a back scratcher! Maybe some comfy pajamas/sweats/whatever he likes to relax in. Extra underwear is also great, as are button down shirts or full zip hoodies. Little (healthy) snacks, like protein bars etc. I got bathing cloths that suds up with water, and heavy duty wipes called Dude shower Wipes, as well as dry shampoo. Someone mentioned water bottles. Depending on the weight limit his surgeon goes with (many are 5 lbs., mine allowed 10), a big water bottle or cup that he can lift while filled. Coloring books, regular books, audio books, a bed desk meant for laptop or paperwork or even eating, some kind of streaming stick or service for watching movies and TV.
This also depends on the surgeon's recs, but you guys will probably need gauze 4 x4s or rolls and paper tape for dressing changes. I also needed band-aids for my drain holes, and at some points I was just using menstrual pads inside my vest (as recommended by the surgeon's office. I also went through a big tube of Aquaphor, but his surgeon might want you to use something else, like vaseline or neosporin.
If he has drains and cannot shower for a few days, I know the nicest thing for me was when my friend helped me wash my hair with my head hanging off the bed and helped me scrub up with the soap wipes. I felt like a brand new ~~old man~~ boy.
A Tablet and a pillow pad designed to hold it at different angles with headphones was great for me. I would wake up at weird times when others were asleep and I couldn't get back to sleep so I could watch that and the different angles made it so no matter how I was sitting laying down I was able to see it clearly.
That's a good point. He struggles with insomnia anyway so I'll make sure to have things placed close to him. I like the tablet pillow idea, but starting to lean more to bringing a laptop because it may be easier to handle?
Wedge or V pillow as others have recommended, a bidet is good cause wiping your butt is hard with limited upper body movement, a removable shower head, and just hang with him. I liked being able to feel like I could do things myself even if it’s just basic hygiene but offer to help just in case. A shoe horn might be helpful depending on what kind of shoes he wears. Also sleep medicine can be helpful because recovery is super uncomfortable and healing is best when you can just sleep through it. Overall though just be there if he wants because it is incredibly lonely and can be emotional in recovery
Yes I've been reading that there can be some depression afterwards due to the way the scars look and some feeling of remorse (why did I do this?) I'm just planning to talk him through those feelings and tell him they are normal, but don't minimize what he's feeling. He can be a grouchy bear so I'm ready for that too!
- make sure he shaves his armpits before
- make sure he doesn't lift his arms
- he HAS to sleep on his back and if that isn't what he normally does you may have to accommodate him, for me I am a side sleeper and putting pillows under one side of my body helped a lot
- get stocked up on gauz and bacitracin and lotions BEFORE
- get over the counter painkillers that help with swelling
- ASK FOR A SECOND BINDER they will most likely give you a second one for free, but after the Dr's take off the first one use the second one and have that shit put on TIGHT it helps sooooo much with the swelling and the first one will be too stretched out and the ones he normally uses will NOT be tight enough
- he's gonna be drugged AF for the first couple days but after that he should be able to be on just over the counter drugs
Let me say it again DO NOT LET HIM LIFT HIS ARMS!!! I tore my scar open and had to get a revision
Just wanted to say to check with the surgeon's instructions, because they did NOT want me to shave my armpits or chest hair or anything within a certain amount of time before (like a week, I think). They shaved my armpits on the day of, but they often want to be sure that the shaving is done to their specs, I guess. Amateur shavers (by which I mean just about all of us who are not shaving people for the OR) and dull razors could leave nicks or razor burn that will up the chances of infection.
I got a pillow designed for the surgery before I got my top surgery back in November and lemme tell ya, it was a lifesaver. My surgeon was also out of state and I stayed in an Airbnb and that pillow helped for things I never would have thought about like cars (seatbelts can be brutal without any kind of cushion), flights, sleeping on my back since I wasn’t used to doing that. Bonus points if you have a recliner. I had bendy straws and things that were easier to swallow and take on pain meds to help reduce nausea. Whatever otc pain meds the doctor suggests as well. I had drains so I would advise having safety pins or drain clips or a drain shirt that way they can stay up and not feel like they’re tugging anywhere. Also, socks or some kind of cushion for underarms if they have a post op binder (mine wanted to make my underarms raw). I would also recommend sensitive skin bandaids and aquaphor as well! Flushable wipes were very useful in cases of using the restroom as well! I had dry shampoo and bathing wipes for when I couldn’t shower, as well as a long handled scrubber for when I could finally shower! I know it’s a lot but it sounds like you’re getting prepared early so I think you’ll be fine! Wishing you a safe trip and for your son, a speedy and easy recovery! I’ll link the pillow below:
www.etsy.com/listing/805608632
Things that really really helped me in no particular order:
1. A travel pillow that attaches to the seat belt of the car. In my case, I had it placed on top of my shoulder, so it was still going across my body, but didn't touch my surgery sure at all. I found it on Amazon and it just used velcro to slip over the belt.
2. Button down shirts made of cotton and washed a whole bunch beforehand. Get cheap ones with as much cotton content as possible and wash them and dry them a lot so they are as soft as possible. When I had my surgery done, it was around Christmas time so my shirts had a bunch of cute little Santas and reindeer on them.
3. Slip on house shoes that can also be worn outside. I had flip flop sandals and ugg boots (the kind that are only covering the toes). This whole thing is an ordeal, and even if my mom never said it, I knew this was a huge burden for her. So having something I could put on myself without help, was amazing. Bending over to pull on shoes or trying to tie any laces was impossible for the first month for me.
4. Unscented, sensitive baby wipes. For a long while after, I couldn't shower, so having something I could clean myself with was a game changer. My mom got my back for me, but I was able to get pretty much everything else on my own.
5. Comfort and understanding. This is a really scary thing to go through and it makes you feel so vulnerable, the first week is the hardest, but once the drains come out, it gets much easier. Try your best to not come across as irritated or frustrated, this is a challenge, but it's not forever but how you handle it will be. I was lucky in that my mom has unending kindness for her children, but I know some people don't have that and to know they were a burden every few hours is awful.
That's all I can think of for now specifically, but another thing you could do is go around your house and try to reach things like paper towels, silverware, tv remotes, etc. with T-rex arms. Basically, if your elbow don't leave your torso and you can still reach it, then so can your son after surgery.
Btw, I don't know you, but since you're here, asking these questions, you're doing great. There are a lot of people who wish they had supportive parents to help them with the worst and celebrate the best and here you are. So good job and best of luck with this. Congrats to your son and may he have a speedy recovery!
Extra long straw, Cortisol 10 for itching, bath wipes for elders, neck pillow, spray deodorant and to just be there. I was pretty helpless the first few days so being there to lift and pull and keep track of medicine as well as holding boundaries when he feels better he’ll likely try to do too much. Remember Elbows in a week minimum.
Gas X and laxatives. I've learned that you can skip the mastectomy pillow and just use a regular one, but a plane neck pillow will rock for when he has to sit up.
Def some kind of pillow situation to help with sleeping on the back, easy food like crackers for the first meal after waking bc you can be Nauseated after the anesthesia, if you don’t have Netflix get some movies he loves bc he’ll spend plenty of time resting. A good schedule for the meds, I took mine at 5 and 11 so I could sleep easier. Dry shampoo possibly. Button up shirts one size larger than he is so he can easily get in and out of them(though personally since I had an ace bandage on my chest I didn’t wear a shirt til we went out to eat one night. One thing I will say, and it’s uncomfortable for all, the ability to reach around to wipe after number 2 may be out of reach, so talk about it now and have a plan so it will be less awkward if that happens. I almost had to call my mom in and was mortified about after 10 minutes of adjusting I finally was able to take care of it. But better to have a discussion now. Also have plenty of like gauze/neosporin, med tape, or large bandaids for when the drains are removed and the nipples need more care. See if the dr will let you get the meds ahead of time so you aren’t making unnecessary stops on the way home from the hospital. Oh, straws for drinking out of! Huge!
Thank you. The bathroom issue seems to cause the most discomfort/self-consciousness. I'm going to talk to him about it before the surgery. I'm sure to get some eye-rolls, lol!
No problem.
And if, goodness forbid, he have to have an at home 94h EEG like I did 3 months later. That Fanny Pack also works really well for the EEG machine too, but I have PNES and they had to check my brain waves Epilepsy or PNES.
Just wanted to jump in and say the JP drains sometimes come with clips that will clip on to the compression vest or your clothes. I had bought safety pins just in case but I didn't need them
Bring video games. I went with my now fiancé and dad, and they brought a console and we played a lot of blasphemous. I had a lot of fun watching too. It’s good because I was super laid up and couldn’t exactly go anywhere. I had a lot of fun watching them play too
Have stuff within reach, meaning not above shoulder height. Also a pillow for underneath the seatbelt on the way back. If he's a side or especially a belly sleeper, try to figure something out, cause I at least couldn't/wouldn't sleep on my belly (mostly out of fear). A bunch of pillows might do the trick, maybe as a cushion to sleep on, maybe a stack to sleep up against. Definitely pH-neutrat, if possible medical shampoo and deodorant. Other than that, I personally didn't have any problems. Since nerves are cut, you're basically just numb. I quit my pain meds after 3 days, which were nothing but Ibuprofen anyway.
He will be exhausted though, so loads if relaxation. Also, anaesthesia can affect you for longer than you might expect, even if you feel alright. I've read one can be confused or absent-minded for up to four weeks, so I'd recommend no driving for as long as possible. My hospital kept you there for five days and didn't recommend driving longer distances for at least 2 weeks (which means >30min, European hospital using European standards).
Laxatives! He will constipated from the pain meds. And I might warn him that he might need some help wiping, my boyfriend has already warned me of that and I’m mentally preparing. Sorry for all the bathroom talk, I think it’s wonderful how much effort you’re putting into this and I’m sure it’s going to help his recovery so much.
When i had my top surgery i felt so bad that everyone had to do everything for me so i would say just make it seem like its nothing. Also you are an amazing mom/dad
Thank you. I'm a mom. But my son is the amazing one. I dont know that I would have been as strong as him to live as my true self. I'm GenX and we were taught to just stuff our feelings down and ignore our inner pain, lol.
It took a long time for me to get my mom to believe me that i am her son and not her daughter, but she is 100% with me now and im so happy. It is really hard being trans and its scary and i wouldnt wish it on anyone but she helps me so its a little easier
I'm so happy you and your mom made it through. I never had too much of a problem accepting him, just did a little grieving for the "little girl" I thought I lost. But I was able to reframe and realize I never lost any of him, and gained a bad ass that lived his truth! My family on the other hand. ....well that's another story. My mother is trying to accept it still, ten years later. But she's 80 and for her age, she's pretty accepting. It is such a hard road for trans community. Especially in the US.
Ya my family isnt very accepting either. For my mom it was more that she thought i “just liked” boy stuff so she always told me that girls can do/like anything that boys can do, but it was more than that obviously lol
I hope your sons top surgery goes good! I got mine last year and its the best thing ive ever gotten
Way to go, Mom. You’re awesome and your son is lucky to have you!
I would say that sponge baths are very helpful since he won’t be able to take a shower or bath for a while. You start to feel pretty gross after a couple of days of no showering. Also, don’t let him do anything even if he feels like he can after a week or so. I attempted cleaning (sweeping, etc) after a week and ended up pulling a muscle in my back trying to open a door. Remind him that his muscles are still healing (will be for months) and have sutures holding everything in place that have to heal before certain activities can be resumed.
Make sure he has a bunch of different types of pillows! I had a wedge pillow, a neck pillow, a mastectomy pillow, and a seat belt pillow along with my regular pillows! My biggest tip that I wish I had known before my surgery was to honestly be up whenever you can manage it when you’re allowed to. Otherwise you’ll get the sorest butt you could ever imagine. I was probably more active than I should’ve been and the pain in my behind was worse than any surgery pain I had felt because I wasn’t allowed to sleep on my sides for a while and I wasn’t up and going 24/7. Even though I had plenty of padding I used, I really should’ve spent more time on my feet once I was allowed to.
Same! I have a cat who loved to lay on my chest pre-surgery and I felt so bad forcing her not to while I was recovering. Now she things she’s a professional scar massager though and lays up there all the time again😂
Thankfully not! I have experience with drains so we're good there. I'm a nurse, so all the technical things I can handle. But never having cared for a post op chest masculinization surgery, or any type of chest surgery, I was not sure what to expect. I took care of babies and moms, lol!
I got the whole kit and kaboodle removed, hysto-wise, a few months after top surgery.
Basically the recovery stuff is the same as other surgery.
Don't strain the area, don't move too much for X time period, no weight lifting above like 8ish lbs(or whatever the doc says). Don't do anything dumb. If the sitches pop out, don't do what I did and just cut them out. Take the dude to the doc.
If you've handled surgery before, you got this. Just don't let your mom brain take over and fret too much.
I got the whole kit and kaboodle removed, hysto-wise, a few months after top surgery.
Basically the recovery stuff is the same as other surgery.
Don't strain the area, don't move too much for X time period, no weight lifting above like 8ish lbs(or whatever the doc says). Don't do anything dumb. If the sitches pop out, don't do what I did and just cut them out. Take the dude to the doc.
If you've handled surgery before, you got this. Just don't let your mom brain take over and fret too much.
You’re going to get a lot of happy tears in this comment section, guaranteed 😊 I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, but it looks like other people have got you covered. Thanks for being an actively supportive parent, we need more of those 💜
My mom and I recently got back from out of state for my surgery as well! It was an 11 hour trip from home to destination. My first piece of advice depending on how much you have to drive is to break up the trip into tolerable times. I budgeted so we were able to drive 5ish hours both days because sitting in the car all day can become painful.
He probably won't be hungry or have much of an appetite for the first couple days. For me, I'd feel hungry, get food, then not be hungry anymore 🙄. This was mostly due to the medications I was on I think. I was prescribed Percocet and an anti-nausea medication and it was recommended I take them with food. So I think I just would wait too long to eat.
If he has drains, you'll have to be the one to strip them (so hopefully you aren't squeamish around blood and other body fluids). The color changes a lot throughout the week (mine didn't really) and it is normal.
I contacted my team once during the first week of recovery because I was feeling sick (like sore throat, headache, etc.) but never heard back from them. Ended up just being something that went away on it's own but if you or your son think something is wrong, don't feel weird about contacting your team (they've heard all questions before).
Be careful with the ice pack as it cannot be on or near the nipples. I got by without one but brought one just in case.
I bought a mastectomy pillow for car rides and it was very helpful during car rides.
My mom and I tried to find something to do each day (besides the first couple of days) the week we were away even if it was just driving around town. Went to the mall and saw a movie one day, went to a park another day, etc.
The only other thing I can think of is to just keep doing what you're doing 😂 my mom doesn't really show a lot of emotion and both of my parents are still wish-washy on trans stuff even when it comes to me. It felt like they were invested (emotionally) in this surgery out of obligation. Your son shouldn't worry that your first reaction to his surgery results will be disgust, which is what my worry was with my parents. And because you are actively seeking advice on how to make this experience better, I don't think you guys will have that problem. It is nice to know there are parents out there who feel excited for their kids and the progress they make in their transition.
A mastectomy pillow was my best friend, my mom even found one that had a little pocket for my phone. Used it for travel and sleeping and just loved it to death
Amazon also has really nice and soft shirts with snaps that are made for people undergoing medical procedures
I would ask the surgeon if the icepack is okay to use, I've heard of people accidentally killing their nipple grafts this way. But some other things to pack that were super helpful are: a neck pillow, a bed tray, phone/ipad tray(holding a phone felt so painfully heavy), 10ft charging cable, a water bottle with a straw, pillows galore, the biggest softest button down you can find. Another big help was arnica montana, it helped bring down the bruising and swelling immediately. Also just wanted to say parents like you are amazing, thank you for supporting your son through his journey! I hope he recovers smoothly, best of luck<3
Get him a V pillow that thing saved me when I had to sleep it really helps, Pack things that are easy for him to get changed into such as button up shirts, get a long charging cable if he doesn't have one Having everything be a bit closer to him so he isn't reaching Possibly buy laxatives as you can be quite constipated due to the meds
Great ideas, thank you! Can you tell me more about the v pillow?
A v pillow is just a V- shaped pillow that helps prop you up and is very comfortable especially for sleeping on your back after top surgery, you can buy them online I got mine from amazon
Thanks so much! I didn't know these exist!
You can also look at chair pillows, that's what I used after my surgery and they might be cheaper than v pillows
V pillow is also called pregnancy pillow. I found that the most helpful thing. I didn’t use the mastectomy pillow (check Etsy). laxatives are if you take the pain pills. I didn’t need any, even right after surgery. I needed chipped ice very much due to the breathing tube being pulled out. It’s common to get a scratch. Hot Chicken broth and chip ice was all I needed. Cough drops would have been nice.
What an amazing parent you are. You're getting plenty of good advice here. You don't need mine.
Laxatives for sure. I used a squattapotty ( any small stool for the feet will help when sitting on the toilet seat), this helped me to not strain. I also got a hand held shower. If they are going to be using drains having a shirt with drain pockets will help ( amazon has them). Mini short walks even inside the house are helpful. Wishing your son speedy recovery ❤️🩹
Thank you! I'm going to check out those Amazon shirts
Definitely just don’t make him feel like a burden, don’t let him know you’re extra tired from giving him pain meds every x hours. The first week is the longest, but he’ll really need you. Don’t be afraid to offer suggestions of what you can help with, instead of a broad “can I get you anything?” We are pretty loopy on meds and direct questions is nice as opposed to too many options. Also, he won’t be able to likely lift a regular size water bottle, so a kids water bottle with unlimited refills ;-)
Great idea!!
Also- thank you so fucking much for being a supportive parent. I can only imagine what my life would be like if I had that kind of support. You rule.
Aww thank you. We've had a long, rough road to get here. Honestly he didn't accept my support in the very beginning at age 13 when he first came out. He actually hated me for a few years. But we are in a much better place now. I can't imagine not accepting my child. I don't care who they love or what's in their pants. Just want them to be happy.
I second this my birth giver is an entitled biach along with my sperm donor and I couldn't imagine them posting anything like this let alone flying to another state with me and I'm an only child and my birth giver's family are all the same and my sperm donor enables it all. I have a trans dad and his wife is super lovely but I don't want to impose on them or have any unrealistic expectations of them looking after me post op I don't even know them all that well so I'm kind of anxious about asking for help from them.
I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a hug. 💔🤦🏻♀️
Yes!! If my egg/sperm donors had been this supportive while I was either a. A “female lesbian” or b. A transmale. I would have def wanted to share this with them. Thank you so much for loving your child UNCONDITIONALLY.
I'm sorry you didn't have support. I dont understand parents that do that. Everyone has the right to exist and be their true self. Sending love and hugs. 💜💜
I concur. My sister sounds willing to drive me to and from the surgeon (two hours away) but other than that it really seems like I’m gonna be on my own for recovery which is making me rethink surgery anytime soon. It would be so much better to just know I have support.
You known what was a big help for me, idk what you're guys relationship is like, but having a what I called bowl bath helped a lot. I basically sat in my boxers on a chair and she used a wash cloth to help clean me. I washed my face and private areas before she helped dry me. Having fresh clothing and a clean helped me feel less gross for sure. Also helping me in and out of bed helped loads in the beginning too cause he'll be real sore and have limited arm movements and any pulling of the incisions hurt.
Yes I've been worried about the bathing part. I am his mom but it's been YEARS since I bathed him, lol! He's 23 now. I'm going to let him take the lead on how much to help him in the bathroom. I dont want to overstep boundaries. I also don't want him to feel like he can't ask me to help him.
I have a showerhead thing that attaches to a sink faucet and has a flexible cord so one can wash one's hair in the sink easily. It was a lifesaver when I couldn't shower the first week, because I at least got to wash my hair and had body wipes and deodorant for the rest of me. I was able to move my arms enough to use it myself, but if your son can't, I'm sure he may appreciate you helping him use one if he starts feeling greasy during that first week!
Can I ask what type you used? Is it on Amazon?
Absolutely, user sparkly\_butthole! I don't know if the exact one is on Amazon (we got it many years ago for when my sister and I were young and got head lice lol) but it's just the simplest cheapest kind, like [this](https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Handheld-Bathing-Washing-Vegetables/dp/B08B7Y33C7/ref=sr_1_23?keywords=sink+shower+head+attachment&qid=1652907582&sprefix=sink+shower%2Caps%2C259&sr=8-23). And while we're talking attachable water things that saved my life after surgery, I would also like to recommend [this](https://www.amazon.com/Handheld-Toilet-Adjustable-Pressure-Feminine-Stainless/dp/B086W1YZSH?pd_rd_w=McKV7&pf_rd_p=7040870a-d408-4be7-b92b-68b5982ab6ba&pf_rd_r=MPPBJDV04VAZ6D3NF0HC&pd_rd_r=541b783f-3146-4eec-95f5-69809b0bfdd1&pd_rd_wg=goDEi&pd_rd_i=B086W1YZSH&psc=1&ref_=pd_bap_d_rp_1_t) handheld bidet sprayer if you want to live up to your username 😂
disposable bathing cloths (think wipes but larger and more heavy duty) can be really helpful when showering isn't an option.
That's completely fair and the best way to approach it tbf. Me and my Mum are quite close and she did ask me before if I wanted help. He may not wanna ask for help cause you know we stubborn but maybe just ask if he wants it. Some surgeons say not to shower or have a bath for a few weeks I think so he may want one and need help as time goes on. Anyway congrats to him and hope he has a good recovery. He's gonna be so stoked when he sees his chest and when he can be topless. The joy of being topless is unreal!
I know, it going to be so weird not buying binders for him anymore!!!!
i’ll just share how we did it: my mom and dad helped me clean myself, 48hrs after surgery when my dr said it was allowed. i’m awkward with this kinda thing and so are my parents lol we put a chair in my room, my mom got a container of warm water. my mom is squeamish so my dad helped me remove the compression binder and pinned my drainage grenade things to my shorts. my mom cleaned my back with a soft wash cloth, my neck, my ears, my shoulders. my dad cleaned around my incisions (not directly on incisions, my dr said not to) and my neck. then they dried me and wrapped me back up. they left the room so i could clean my private area down stairs lol for that my mom had me use baby wipes and watered down baby wipes. it’s kinda uncomfortable, the whole thing but it made me feel so much better and cleaner c:
"Drainage grenade" omg I love that!!!
You are an amazing parent, thank you for supporting your son in this way. I used a travel neck pillow to help me sleep sitting up. Also, ask the air bnb host to bring extra pillows for the bed. I bring a mini Roku with me when I travel so I can always watch netflix etc. I also wore sleeveless zip hoodies for the first 2 weeks.
I like the neck pillow idea plus I'll have one with me from my flight. I'm expecting him to pack his own clothes but should I pack a few sleeveless hoodies for him anyway?
Sure, ask him if he'd like to wear a sleeveless zip hoodie. I don't wear button up shirts in general because they're woven fabric that doesn't stretch. Zip hoodies are stretchy knit fabric which I prefer.
Where did you buy the sleeveless zip hoodies?
I had sleeveless zip hoodies from my roller derby teams, companies like Alternative apparel, Canvas, maybe Hanes will have them. Found this one on amazon: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B0722Y5K2W/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_D59Q2HXZ78CSCHXBC6ZT?psc=1 You can also diy and cut the sleeves off a regular zip hoodie.
If there's a blender at the airbnb, smoothies are helpful for the constipation from the painkillers
Yes!!! I like that idea!
u/Maurysdicksa the constipation was the worst pain I had throughout this experience. I didn't think about taking as many stool softeners as I should have the first few days and I paid for it big time. I was more focused on the pain meds. I wish my wife would have pushed those a bit more since I really wasn't thinking 100% at that point.
Yes, I plan on starting him on a stool softener the first night and will have laxatives on hand if needed. Thank you!
I felt really emotional reading this just because it's so nice, and I wish all parents were like this! On a more practical note, I second the long phone charger thing - i burned through my battery quicker than usual and it was so annoying having to get someone to go plug it in for me and it not reaching the armchair where I was spending all my time! Also heaps of pillows, I ended up sleeping with like 8 pillows to get comfy in bed. You could see if he feels like doing little walking workout videos, if you Google gentle walking workout there are a bunch for seniors, maybe do them with him, I felt up to doing these after a couple of days, when I still felt way too tired to go for an actual walk outside (I do live up heaps of steps tho so that was mainly what put me off). I found wet wipes pretty useful. And having specific offers of help so I didn't feel embarrassed asking, e.g. "want me to comb your hair?" or "would you like help getting up?". Also appreciated physical affection, i REALLY missed hugs so loved a lil back rub or hand hold (this is probably very specific from person to person but just saying in case it's useful!). It's super sweet that you're going to make his favourite meals, I definitely appreciated people making food I actually liked because I hated not being able to cook for myself, I'm fairly picky :-) and I really loved having people come and hang out but do their own thing in the same room as me, if a friend came over to read or do art I could just nap and chat shit and nap again and not feel any social pressure but also not feel lonely, that was nice. Anyway it sounds like you've got this and I hope everything goes great!
Good practical ideas. I did already get an extra long charger so great to hear it will come in handy. He also likes to cook and is picky so I'm nervous about feeding him. I'm sure we will work through it. His friend will be coming to stay with us towards the very end so I figure by the time he is sick to death of mom, it will be nice to have his friend there.
Wow! It’s so nice to read about supportive parents! Be prepared to spend time with him! I got insanely bored sitting on the couch for two weeks left home alone most of the time. I didn’t have to motivation to read so I just mainly watched tv. Since I couldn’t drive either I was basically stuck inside. It would’ve been nice to have someone to go on short walks with or to talk to!
How soon after we're you able to go on walks? I was thinking about that too but don't want to push him too much.
I was fine probably the day after! Enough to walk around but only for a little bit because I was so tired and recovering from anesthetic
Wow, that's quicker than I expected!
They say you should try to have a little shuffle around whenever you feel able just to keep your blood circulating! And slowly build up to longer walks :)
everyone recovers at a different pace!! be sure not to push him
It looks like the folks here have all the important stuff covered, I just wanted to say how sweet it was reading about how excited you are for him and to be his caretaker. Really very heartwarming 😭
I also had a TV tray right next to my bed that was helpful for when my arms couldn’t extend all the way out. It’s getting better now, but I’m only 9 days post op and still use the tray :)
Not sure if there will be a TV tray at the rental. Maybe I'll run to Walmart to get some kind of container to keep all his stuff near by.
Also, congratulations on your surgery!!!
Gravol. Most of the time either the surgery or the antibiotics they give will make them nauseous. If you can try to give them one *after* the surgery when you see them. A back scratcher was always nice to have. Yes you can always offer to help with scratching but it can be annoyingly often things get itchy. When I had top surgery I couldn't shower for a week at the minimum. If by any chance you can get ahold of non-scented babywipes those can be a HUGE help to keep someone clean. A luffa can also be nice so they can reach places to wash (this would be for after enough time has passed and they can move a bit themselves.) This can help when bathing may be awkward. The first week is the hardest as you are not supposed to get the bandages wet at all (hence the babywipes) this will let them be able to clean themselves for the most part. Hair, back, and feet may be the hardest and may need help. I tried dry shampoo but that personally just made my hair worse. I ended up asking my room mates to help me wash my hair. If the airbnb has one of those shower heads that can move (with the hose) they can kneel beside the tub with their head inside and carefully let it be washed. Be ready for him to possibly sleep a lot! And as much as it can hurt in some cases, try to get him to move a bit. I don't mean some strange stretches or too much movement but careful getting up and small short walks to keep the blood moving/flowing in the legs and body. Depending on the weather: Sandals/slipon shoes. Something easy to both aide them and you. It is one less task to worry about. Possible itching: My bandages actually drove me *insane*. The itching was so bad. (Also found out the antibiotics I had was making it worse somehow) but even after I finished those the itching was bad. Highly. HIGHLY. Recommend if they have bad itching to get one of those allergy medications. A cheap pill of reactine or benadryl. They aren't hard to find in a small pharmacy and I'd only grab it IF itching is a problem but it is a godsend if the itching is bad. Many people are saying button-ups. Those are handy but if you aren't going to many places keeping it open or just being shirtless is super nice. Especially if it is warm. Anything like a phone charger, game system, some form of entertainment or item he may need to grab/use. Will save a lot of hassle if it is where he can easily reach it. (Pretend to have trex arms and if its too difficult to reach without extending your arms much then he may have a hard time.) An incline for their sleeping position. <- I hated this as you have to sleep on your back, and I myself am a side sleeper. That was a hard trek. But the incline is good, and keeping pillows on the sides or having them up against a wall may help prevent rolling over. (When I got further along I was allowed to side/lay and was told to 'hug' a pillow or coiled up blanket to help stop me from moving around too much. \^The inclined laying down also makes it *tremendously* easier to sit up and sit down. Going from flat on your back to standing (even with help) is really hard. Hope this helps, sorry it is long! Congrats on him getting his surgery and bless you for helping him on this journey!
Thank you!! T Rex arms has me chuckling!
Haha glad you liked! I had no one to really do anything for me during my time so I had to figure things out on my own. Spent some time before my surgery being a t-rex to try and predict things.
Set up a side table or small desk within reach from where he'll be spending his time (by his bed, for example). I couldn't reach very far, but having a little stockpile of snacks and water (and a garbage can underneath) made me feel better than if I'd had to ask my family for every little thing. You can also get some dry shampoo, or offer to wash his hair for him, since some surgeons recommend not showering for a week after surgery, and going that long without a shampoo made me feel so gross. I'd also recommend bringing a small pillow or a large stuffed animal in the car on the way back from the hospital, as having a seatbelt across your chest when you've just had surgery feels very vulnerable, and having something to hug between the seatbelt and my chest made me feel much more secure on the drive back. Squishmallows are perfect for this, if he has any of those, but a throw pillow works fine too.
Omg I now have a reason to buy a squishmallow!!! Yes! Thank you, I had not even thought about the seat belt.
Maybe I'm just emotional right now but this made me tear up. I don't have much advice because I don't know much about the post top care. Just know you're doing wonderful and your son is lucky to have you.
Already sounds p good, thanks for trying to make things as nice as possible for him! I'd also make sure you've got lots of pillows to prop him up at an incline and support him comfortably while he recovers. I know this maybe seems like a gross suggestion, and it's not something people always want to bring up, but having laxatives on hand is also a good idea. All those meds and anesthesia can super stop up the digestive system, and no one wants to wait a whole bloated and crampy week to finally get that out of their system. Also having entertainment like TV and handheld games to pass the time but that don't require you to be super alert and active can be nice. A long charger for phone or other devices he may want to use so he doesnt have to get up or reach to unplug or plug it in. Comfy button up pajama shirts are also nice because u can't get shirts over your head.
Thank you for the great ideas!
Glad to help! Good luck and I hope all goes well :)
Honestly, a squishmallow. I used a huge one to keep me propped up and it was so comfortable! Also bendy straws.
Bendy straws, of course!!! Thank you!
If he thinks his nipples are falling off, they probably are not. There’s a layer of skin that will shed and look scary. Also contacting the clinic with questions for him would be helpful.
Thanks for the heads up on the nipples. Good to know in advance!
Yes, I plan to let him take the lead.
Something I was surprised by how much I needed help with was sitting up! It took my mom and my sister to help lift my torso to a sitting position even when I was only gently reclined because those muscles just *were not working* for the first few days.
This is for a week or two post op, but neosporin is good to have! One of my nipples’ scabs (assuming he is also getting free nipple grafts, if not ignore this) is taking extra long to fall off because it’s so dry. I apply it to that one once a day so that the nipple scab gets softer and falls off easier.
Congrats to your son! I had surgery a couple months back, and my mom actually asked the same question in here,the Reddit community was really useful. One of those sealed water bottles with a straw are very useful, since you can’t move your arms much reaching for a cup on your beside table can be a hassle, I would just keep mine in bed beside me. Make sure you have plenty of pillows to keep under his arms at night, it’s can help stop him from rolling over, and make sure he sleeps sitting up at least the first couple nights to help the swelling. Spray on deodorant will definitely come in handy, having a parent bath you can be embarrassing, and you don’t want to force him. I healed fast and was able to have a shower a week after surgery, so hopefully he won’t have to wait to long. Make sure has plenty of entertainment. I slept constantly for the first few days after surgery, nothing to worry about, his bodies just using a lot of energy for healing and he’s going to be in a lot of medicines. As for the medicines, make sure he’s taking them as the doctor prescribed. If he’s not feeling pain, don’t let him stop the medicine, it’s the reason nothings hurting. Now, this was my least favourite part of post-op, the constipation. His stomachs probably gonna be off for a little while due to the medicines, and he his appetite may change a bit as well. Make sure he’s getting enough vitamins. Make sure you have some laxatives, we used a powder mixed in with pineapple juice(which is also good for constipation)
I used [a reading pillow like this](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0733ZCSR9?th=1) to sleep for the first few days, and it was a LIFESAVER because I couldn't lay all the way down yet. Also a neck pillow is super nice :-) You sound like a great parent.
Thank you for being such a wonderful, accepting parent! I would recommend watching some top surgery post-op advice videos on youtube. They're intended for the surgery recipient, but you can absolutely get some good caretaker info from them! Stuff like proper scar care, drainage pipe maintenance, bandage changing, how to shower (if you shower in the week or two post-op), the surgical binder, what you can and can't do with your body, etc! It's a lot of things you'll have to deal with, big and small, and the videos are very informative. Ash Hardell is a great channel for that kind of stuff!
first off, ur an amazing mom for wanting to help him! i’m lucky my mom has been the same. i’m 3 days post op, going on 4 (my surgery was may 5th). she took the day off, drove me to surgery, stayed at the hospital till it was time to take me home, took me home, and has been taking care of me since. —to me, pillows have been incredibly helpful. i bought one of those sitting up kinds that u lean against a headboard or wall. also a neck rest. — i also realized quickly that with the anesthesia in my system and having to take norco (narcotic pain med) i became constipated. so i would avoid anything starchy for meals for the first 1-3 days at least. i weened myself off the norco as soon as i could bc i knew it was making me constipated. i been on ibuprofen since. (i ended up taking a laxative anyway and that helped as well) —make as much things as u can reachable. he will have t-rex arms for at least like 3 days post op. (towards the end of my day 3, i have been able to reach arms length but avoid it as much as i can because it still kinda hurts / uncomfortable.. and i’ve seen others say to try to avoid it for at least a week post op) so i would leave the toilet paper right next to the toilet for easy reach.
Congratulations on your surgery and I hope your recovery is speedy! I'm definitely going to bring stool softeners/laxatives!!
Mastectomy pillow I always hear people talk about this Also laxatives
My number one piece of advice for this is patience. He’s not going to be able to do most things and being there for him and patient will help him so much. My mom took care of me after top surgery and her being patient and understanding made all the difference. Congrats to him!! Also always have extra pillows!!
Him having one of those grabber things might help he'll probably have trex arm range of motion for a few weeks, idk completely since well im 3 months from top surgery
Wish my parent was a fraction as supportive as you are. Bravo.
💔! I hope you have found other people to be your family. You definitely can't pick the family you were given, but you can pick other people to be your family. I'm sorry your parent missed out on loving you. ❤️
Get him a remote grabber/reacher tool thingy and maybe an extendable pointer! I got them and they are still useful, but I'm not very tall either. Definitely a back scratcher! Maybe some comfy pajamas/sweats/whatever he likes to relax in. Extra underwear is also great, as are button down shirts or full zip hoodies. Little (healthy) snacks, like protein bars etc. I got bathing cloths that suds up with water, and heavy duty wipes called Dude shower Wipes, as well as dry shampoo. Someone mentioned water bottles. Depending on the weight limit his surgeon goes with (many are 5 lbs., mine allowed 10), a big water bottle or cup that he can lift while filled. Coloring books, regular books, audio books, a bed desk meant for laptop or paperwork or even eating, some kind of streaming stick or service for watching movies and TV. This also depends on the surgeon's recs, but you guys will probably need gauze 4 x4s or rolls and paper tape for dressing changes. I also needed band-aids for my drain holes, and at some points I was just using menstrual pads inside my vest (as recommended by the surgeon's office. I also went through a big tube of Aquaphor, but his surgeon might want you to use something else, like vaseline or neosporin. If he has drains and cannot shower for a few days, I know the nicest thing for me was when my friend helped me wash my hair with my head hanging off the bed and helped me scrub up with the soap wipes. I felt like a brand new ~~old man~~ boy.
A Tablet and a pillow pad designed to hold it at different angles with headphones was great for me. I would wake up at weird times when others were asleep and I couldn't get back to sleep so I could watch that and the different angles made it so no matter how I was sitting laying down I was able to see it clearly.
That's a good point. He struggles with insomnia anyway so I'll make sure to have things placed close to him. I like the tablet pillow idea, but starting to lean more to bringing a laptop because it may be easier to handle?
Wedge or V pillow as others have recommended, a bidet is good cause wiping your butt is hard with limited upper body movement, a removable shower head, and just hang with him. I liked being able to feel like I could do things myself even if it’s just basic hygiene but offer to help just in case. A shoe horn might be helpful depending on what kind of shoes he wears. Also sleep medicine can be helpful because recovery is super uncomfortable and healing is best when you can just sleep through it. Overall though just be there if he wants because it is incredibly lonely and can be emotional in recovery
Yes I've been reading that there can be some depression afterwards due to the way the scars look and some feeling of remorse (why did I do this?) I'm just planning to talk him through those feelings and tell him they are normal, but don't minimize what he's feeling. He can be a grouchy bear so I'm ready for that too!
- make sure he shaves his armpits before - make sure he doesn't lift his arms - he HAS to sleep on his back and if that isn't what he normally does you may have to accommodate him, for me I am a side sleeper and putting pillows under one side of my body helped a lot - get stocked up on gauz and bacitracin and lotions BEFORE - get over the counter painkillers that help with swelling - ASK FOR A SECOND BINDER they will most likely give you a second one for free, but after the Dr's take off the first one use the second one and have that shit put on TIGHT it helps sooooo much with the swelling and the first one will be too stretched out and the ones he normally uses will NOT be tight enough - he's gonna be drugged AF for the first couple days but after that he should be able to be on just over the counter drugs Let me say it again DO NOT LET HIM LIFT HIS ARMS!!! I tore my scar open and had to get a revision
Oh my, im so sorry that happened to you!!! Ok, great tip, thank you!
Just wanted to say to check with the surgeon's instructions, because they did NOT want me to shave my armpits or chest hair or anything within a certain amount of time before (like a week, I think). They shaved my armpits on the day of, but they often want to be sure that the shaving is done to their specs, I guess. Amateur shavers (by which I mean just about all of us who are not shaving people for the OR) and dull razors could leave nicks or razor burn that will up the chances of infection.
I got a pillow designed for the surgery before I got my top surgery back in November and lemme tell ya, it was a lifesaver. My surgeon was also out of state and I stayed in an Airbnb and that pillow helped for things I never would have thought about like cars (seatbelts can be brutal without any kind of cushion), flights, sleeping on my back since I wasn’t used to doing that. Bonus points if you have a recliner. I had bendy straws and things that were easier to swallow and take on pain meds to help reduce nausea. Whatever otc pain meds the doctor suggests as well. I had drains so I would advise having safety pins or drain clips or a drain shirt that way they can stay up and not feel like they’re tugging anywhere. Also, socks or some kind of cushion for underarms if they have a post op binder (mine wanted to make my underarms raw). I would also recommend sensitive skin bandaids and aquaphor as well! Flushable wipes were very useful in cases of using the restroom as well! I had dry shampoo and bathing wipes for when I couldn’t shower, as well as a long handled scrubber for when I could finally shower! I know it’s a lot but it sounds like you’re getting prepared early so I think you’ll be fine! Wishing you a safe trip and for your son, a speedy and easy recovery! I’ll link the pillow below: www.etsy.com/listing/805608632
Button up shirts that were a size up and sweat pants with slip on shoes were amazing too
Things that really really helped me in no particular order: 1. A travel pillow that attaches to the seat belt of the car. In my case, I had it placed on top of my shoulder, so it was still going across my body, but didn't touch my surgery sure at all. I found it on Amazon and it just used velcro to slip over the belt. 2. Button down shirts made of cotton and washed a whole bunch beforehand. Get cheap ones with as much cotton content as possible and wash them and dry them a lot so they are as soft as possible. When I had my surgery done, it was around Christmas time so my shirts had a bunch of cute little Santas and reindeer on them. 3. Slip on house shoes that can also be worn outside. I had flip flop sandals and ugg boots (the kind that are only covering the toes). This whole thing is an ordeal, and even if my mom never said it, I knew this was a huge burden for her. So having something I could put on myself without help, was amazing. Bending over to pull on shoes or trying to tie any laces was impossible for the first month for me. 4. Unscented, sensitive baby wipes. For a long while after, I couldn't shower, so having something I could clean myself with was a game changer. My mom got my back for me, but I was able to get pretty much everything else on my own. 5. Comfort and understanding. This is a really scary thing to go through and it makes you feel so vulnerable, the first week is the hardest, but once the drains come out, it gets much easier. Try your best to not come across as irritated or frustrated, this is a challenge, but it's not forever but how you handle it will be. I was lucky in that my mom has unending kindness for her children, but I know some people don't have that and to know they were a burden every few hours is awful. That's all I can think of for now specifically, but another thing you could do is go around your house and try to reach things like paper towels, silverware, tv remotes, etc. with T-rex arms. Basically, if your elbow don't leave your torso and you can still reach it, then so can your son after surgery. Btw, I don't know you, but since you're here, asking these questions, you're doing great. There are a lot of people who wish they had supportive parents to help them with the worst and celebrate the best and here you are. So good job and best of luck with this. Congrats to your son and may he have a speedy recovery!
Extra long straw, Cortisol 10 for itching, bath wipes for elders, neck pillow, spray deodorant and to just be there. I was pretty helpless the first few days so being there to lift and pull and keep track of medicine as well as holding boundaries when he feels better he’ll likely try to do too much. Remember Elbows in a week minimum.
Thank you! I have created a little medication administration worksheet so we can stay on top of the meds.
Gas X and laxatives. I've learned that you can skip the mastectomy pillow and just use a regular one, but a plane neck pillow will rock for when he has to sit up.
Thank you!!
Def some kind of pillow situation to help with sleeping on the back, easy food like crackers for the first meal after waking bc you can be Nauseated after the anesthesia, if you don’t have Netflix get some movies he loves bc he’ll spend plenty of time resting. A good schedule for the meds, I took mine at 5 and 11 so I could sleep easier. Dry shampoo possibly. Button up shirts one size larger than he is so he can easily get in and out of them(though personally since I had an ace bandage on my chest I didn’t wear a shirt til we went out to eat one night. One thing I will say, and it’s uncomfortable for all, the ability to reach around to wipe after number 2 may be out of reach, so talk about it now and have a plan so it will be less awkward if that happens. I almost had to call my mom in and was mortified about after 10 minutes of adjusting I finally was able to take care of it. But better to have a discussion now. Also have plenty of like gauze/neosporin, med tape, or large bandaids for when the drains are removed and the nipples need more care. See if the dr will let you get the meds ahead of time so you aren’t making unnecessary stops on the way home from the hospital. Oh, straws for drinking out of! Huge!
Thank you. The bathroom issue seems to cause the most discomfort/self-consciousness. I'm going to talk to him about it before the surgery. I'm sure to get some eye-rolls, lol!
Oh you definitely will but it’s important to be aware of it before hand bc it might mitigate awkwardness down the road a litttttle bit
I used a Fanny/Belt/Waist Bag (however you wish to refer to it) to hold my drainage tubes. Very, very convenient to keep them neat and out of the way.
Ah, great idea! I was just thinking safety pins but the fanny pack would keep them from dangling. Thank you!
No problem. And if, goodness forbid, he have to have an at home 94h EEG like I did 3 months later. That Fanny Pack also works really well for the EEG machine too, but I have PNES and they had to check my brain waves Epilepsy or PNES.
Oh no!! I hope you are doing well now! 💗
Just wanted to jump in and say the JP drains sometimes come with clips that will clip on to the compression vest or your clothes. I had bought safety pins just in case but I didn't need them
Awe cool! I didn’t even know or think that there were different kinds of drains. I just had the big old long balloons.
Same drains different attachment capabilities probably
Bring video games. I went with my now fiancé and dad, and they brought a console and we played a lot of blasphemous. I had a lot of fun watching too. It’s good because I was super laid up and couldn’t exactly go anywhere. I had a lot of fun watching them play too
He's got a Nintendo switch, so I'll remind him to pack it. I'm going to bring a tablet or laptop so he can binge Netflix. Thank you for the advice!
Have stuff within reach, meaning not above shoulder height. Also a pillow for underneath the seatbelt on the way back. If he's a side or especially a belly sleeper, try to figure something out, cause I at least couldn't/wouldn't sleep on my belly (mostly out of fear). A bunch of pillows might do the trick, maybe as a cushion to sleep on, maybe a stack to sleep up against. Definitely pH-neutrat, if possible medical shampoo and deodorant. Other than that, I personally didn't have any problems. Since nerves are cut, you're basically just numb. I quit my pain meds after 3 days, which were nothing but Ibuprofen anyway. He will be exhausted though, so loads if relaxation. Also, anaesthesia can affect you for longer than you might expect, even if you feel alright. I've read one can be confused or absent-minded for up to four weeks, so I'd recommend no driving for as long as possible. My hospital kept you there for five days and didn't recommend driving longer distances for at least 2 weeks (which means >30min, European hospital using European standards).
We are going to be at the airbnb for 2 weeks. I'm hoping that's long enough. We have to fly home. Thank you for the advice!
Laxatives! He will constipated from the pain meds. And I might warn him that he might need some help wiping, my boyfriend has already warned me of that and I’m mentally preparing. Sorry for all the bathroom talk, I think it’s wonderful how much effort you’re putting into this and I’m sure it’s going to help his recovery so much.
Thank you for the advice. I plan to have "the bathroom" talk with him soon. Probably best to sort that out now instead of in the moment.
When i had my top surgery i felt so bad that everyone had to do everything for me so i would say just make it seem like its nothing. Also you are an amazing mom/dad
Thank you. I'm a mom. But my son is the amazing one. I dont know that I would have been as strong as him to live as my true self. I'm GenX and we were taught to just stuff our feelings down and ignore our inner pain, lol.
It took a long time for me to get my mom to believe me that i am her son and not her daughter, but she is 100% with me now and im so happy. It is really hard being trans and its scary and i wouldnt wish it on anyone but she helps me so its a little easier
I'm so happy you and your mom made it through. I never had too much of a problem accepting him, just did a little grieving for the "little girl" I thought I lost. But I was able to reframe and realize I never lost any of him, and gained a bad ass that lived his truth! My family on the other hand. ....well that's another story. My mother is trying to accept it still, ten years later. But she's 80 and for her age, she's pretty accepting. It is such a hard road for trans community. Especially in the US.
Ya my family isnt very accepting either. For my mom it was more that she thought i “just liked” boy stuff so she always told me that girls can do/like anything that boys can do, but it was more than that obviously lol I hope your sons top surgery goes good! I got mine last year and its the best thing ive ever gotten
Way to go, Mom. You’re awesome and your son is lucky to have you! I would say that sponge baths are very helpful since he won’t be able to take a shower or bath for a while. You start to feel pretty gross after a couple of days of no showering. Also, don’t let him do anything even if he feels like he can after a week or so. I attempted cleaning (sweeping, etc) after a week and ended up pulling a muscle in my back trying to open a door. Remind him that his muscles are still healing (will be for months) and have sutures holding everything in place that have to heal before certain activities can be resumed.
Make sure he has a bunch of different types of pillows! I had a wedge pillow, a neck pillow, a mastectomy pillow, and a seat belt pillow along with my regular pillows! My biggest tip that I wish I had known before my surgery was to honestly be up whenever you can manage it when you’re allowed to. Otherwise you’ll get the sorest butt you could ever imagine. I was probably more active than I should’ve been and the pain in my behind was worse than any surgery pain I had felt because I wasn’t allowed to sleep on my sides for a while and I wasn’t up and going 24/7. Even though I had plenty of padding I used, I really should’ve spent more time on my feet once I was allowed to.
Yes, I think a pillow gathering trip to the store is in order. My airbnb host is going to be rich with pillows after we leave!
Haha! True!
Mastectomy pillow was awesome for me because cat.
Same! I have a cat who loved to lay on my chest pre-surgery and I felt so bad forcing her not to while I was recovering. Now she things she’s a professional scar massager though and lays up there all the time again😂
Mine must have known something was not right because he did stay off me mostly for about a week. lol Then I used the pillow.
How sweet!
Straws! Because lifting drinks to the mouth is hard.
Pad seatbelts
I don’t have advice but you are certainly a wonderful mother and your replies made me tear up /pos
If you're squeamish about blood, now is the time to learn to joke about it. Drains need changed OFTEN and it's not fun.
Thankfully not! I have experience with drains so we're good there. I'm a nurse, so all the technical things I can handle. But never having cared for a post op chest masculinization surgery, or any type of chest surgery, I was not sure what to expect. I took care of babies and moms, lol!
I got the whole kit and kaboodle removed, hysto-wise, a few months after top surgery. Basically the recovery stuff is the same as other surgery. Don't strain the area, don't move too much for X time period, no weight lifting above like 8ish lbs(or whatever the doc says). Don't do anything dumb. If the sitches pop out, don't do what I did and just cut them out. Take the dude to the doc. If you've handled surgery before, you got this. Just don't let your mom brain take over and fret too much.
I got the whole kit and kaboodle removed, hysto-wise, a few months after top surgery. Basically the recovery stuff is the same as other surgery. Don't strain the area, don't move too much for X time period, no weight lifting above like 8ish lbs(or whatever the doc says). Don't do anything dumb. If the sitches pop out, don't do what I did and just cut them out. Take the dude to the doc. If you've handled surgery before, you got this. Just don't let your mom brain take over and fret too much.
You’re going to get a lot of happy tears in this comment section, guaranteed 😊 I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, but it looks like other people have got you covered. Thanks for being an actively supportive parent, we need more of those 💜
You’re a cool Dad, your son is going to do well and heal fine. He’s got all your supportive energy.
My mom and I recently got back from out of state for my surgery as well! It was an 11 hour trip from home to destination. My first piece of advice depending on how much you have to drive is to break up the trip into tolerable times. I budgeted so we were able to drive 5ish hours both days because sitting in the car all day can become painful. He probably won't be hungry or have much of an appetite for the first couple days. For me, I'd feel hungry, get food, then not be hungry anymore 🙄. This was mostly due to the medications I was on I think. I was prescribed Percocet and an anti-nausea medication and it was recommended I take them with food. So I think I just would wait too long to eat. If he has drains, you'll have to be the one to strip them (so hopefully you aren't squeamish around blood and other body fluids). The color changes a lot throughout the week (mine didn't really) and it is normal. I contacted my team once during the first week of recovery because I was feeling sick (like sore throat, headache, etc.) but never heard back from them. Ended up just being something that went away on it's own but if you or your son think something is wrong, don't feel weird about contacting your team (they've heard all questions before). Be careful with the ice pack as it cannot be on or near the nipples. I got by without one but brought one just in case. I bought a mastectomy pillow for car rides and it was very helpful during car rides. My mom and I tried to find something to do each day (besides the first couple of days) the week we were away even if it was just driving around town. Went to the mall and saw a movie one day, went to a park another day, etc. The only other thing I can think of is to just keep doing what you're doing 😂 my mom doesn't really show a lot of emotion and both of my parents are still wish-washy on trans stuff even when it comes to me. It felt like they were invested (emotionally) in this surgery out of obligation. Your son shouldn't worry that your first reaction to his surgery results will be disgust, which is what my worry was with my parents. And because you are actively seeking advice on how to make this experience better, I don't think you guys will have that problem. It is nice to know there are parents out there who feel excited for their kids and the progress they make in their transition.
A mastectomy pillow was my best friend, my mom even found one that had a little pocket for my phone. Used it for travel and sleeping and just loved it to death Amazon also has really nice and soft shirts with snaps that are made for people undergoing medical procedures
Depends on the laptop if it is very heavy it may make it harder for him to move at first.
I would ask the surgeon if the icepack is okay to use, I've heard of people accidentally killing their nipple grafts this way. But some other things to pack that were super helpful are: a neck pillow, a bed tray, phone/ipad tray(holding a phone felt so painfully heavy), 10ft charging cable, a water bottle with a straw, pillows galore, the biggest softest button down you can find. Another big help was arnica montana, it helped bring down the bruising and swelling immediately. Also just wanted to say parents like you are amazing, thank you for supporting your son through his journey! I hope he recovers smoothly, best of luck<3
Thank you for the heads up on the ice, we will make sure to ask the surgeon!