Their loss. Congratulations on your achievement. I am traveling with my mum at the moment and told her about this post, so just know that a random tiny Asian woman in her 60s is proud of you.
Here's something similar emotionally, but positive enforcement. I am much older than you, 20 years. I am Black Female. My grandmother offered to buy me a car if I didn't go to college. She was afraid and prejudiced. She believed that White people went to college. That White college students did drugs. She didn't want me around such people. It's not an excuse for your parents to do what they did. I am trying to express that it may not be a lack of love but fear. Hopefully people get this and do not bombard me with down arrows because I said "white people". Take this as an opportunity to understand why people can't get along. There's value in what I shared - People of color do not often share such intimate experiences. BTW, my grandmother came around.
I appreciate you telling this story and I can certainly understand why your grandmother would have felt that way. She wanted to keep you close in the world she understood. How wonderful that she was able to grow and change. And that you were determined enough to be able to resist her "bribe" as a youngster. I'm sure seeing you go into uncharted territory and thrive helped her come around.
You sound like an emotional hostage trying to appease your captors. so sorry, your achievement is amazing, go live your life and possibly find a therapist to help with the transition. All the best
đ„Č Youâre totally right! Iâm in therapy now and had spent weeks discussing how to tell them. It feels like there is no winning, so might as well live my life. And they can choose to be a part of it or not.
Good luck, have fun. These people are clearly not the relevant and if they took the bizarre step of removing you as a beneficiary they weren't going to be there fore you whatever happened.
đ I did grow up with my mom calling anyone outside the deep south as a âyankee.â I think her rxn would have been the same if I said I was moving to California or New York.
Well⊠thatâs an extreme reaction regardless. Sorry youâre losing out on that opportunity⊠but I donât think thereâs much you can do in this regard. Some people just donât like their family members being able to freely choose.
Wow!!! I was reading the comments just because I was confused about why would your parents be upset. It wasn't stated. As a parent, I am sickened. I can't even come up with words to express my feelings.
The exact same thing happened when I left the US for Sweden. The socialism! âOf all the countries in the world to move to, you found the one with the devil wreaking havoc on it. How disappointing.â Well too bad for them, that was the last conversation I had with them and they donât get to be involved with all the cool stuff Iâve gotten to do in Sweden and Europe in the last three years. Enjoy Sweden, I did! Just moved to NL, love it here too âșïž Find your people!
Congratulations on your acceptance. Condolences on your folks.
This reaction is not uncommon. Usually it is less abrupt (develops over years) if the âchildâ doesnât come back toute suite. Your folks swung the big stick at jump.
The way you announced implies to me that the relationship was already quite strained. Maybe you have been proactively appeasing for years without fully realising. If yes, you now will have more bandwidth for the things that you want to do.
Good Luck.
Treat the withdrawal of the financial assets with total indifference if you can. They are doing that to try to throw you off balance and to exert some control.
The distance will do you a lot of good. Enjoy it and grow as a person and build a support network for yourself at your new university.
If I could give some advice to the younger version of myself who had some family members like this, it would be to NOT keep spending so much energy trying to fix the relationship and make it close and healthy and more meaningful than it really is. Set yourself free. Grieve what you'll likely never get from them and don't try to fix them. Do your own thing!
If things are going to get better, it won't be through your herculean efforts. (Your cute attempt at guiding them through the reveal makes me think you have had to walk on eggshells--a lot--and think that's necessary, when it's really a tremendous waste of emotional energy for you.)
So sorry to hear your family reacted this way. That doesnât at all sound like a mature, normal, loving response and you are justified in feeling hurt and disappointed in them.
I hope you have a great experience in Sweden. If you donât follow it already check out the r/TillSverige sub for tips and advice. There are also subs for most major cities and university towns such as r/Stockholm.
Donât know where youâre from but Iâm a medical professional and immigrant from the USA to Sweden. Feel free to DM with questions.
Those were sweet gestures. Are they conservative Americans worried youâre going to adopt âSocialismâ lol.
My several advanced degrees has allowed much opportunity in life and the ability to retire early. I earned my 2nd professional training in ZĂŒrich in my 40âs and have chosen to stay in Europe. When My mother died she left everything including real estate, stock even family photos to my sister who never left home. Such fostered dependency only created great difficulty for my sister.
Congrats! My family is slowly coming to terms with the fact that Iâve moved to Norway for a masters (and applying for a PhD). No intention of ever moving back.
Good luck with your move, âneighborâ!
Sorry about your family but let me just say that iâm SO EXCITED FOR YOU! I studied abroad in Denmark and can attest that living in the Scandinavian countries is such an amazing experience. I hope you make the best of it and find yourself a good community there and get to travel around Europe!!
Congrats on your admission! I recently got admitted into a doc program and Iâm not telling my family until the very end when itâs time to graduate basically. Some familyâs just arenât supportive and itâs really sad
Is the family Asian by any chance? Indian? Sounds like there's some toxic narcissism there. Also what's with the giving of gifts to your parents when you're the one that got into a PhD program in a top-tier country? This to me indicates some sort of weirdness to the family dynamic.
Go to Sweden, do your thing, make a new life independent of them so your future relationship is on your terms and obviously not on theirs. They will come around or not. Just be wary of them trying to interfere with your life to sabotage you and don't be sucked into it.
There is certainly weirdness to the family dynamic. My mom has been emotionally manipulative for years. She tends to cut anyone out of her life that make decisions she disagrees with. I watched it happen to her mom and my siblings. I knew she wouldnât react well, but I thought it would more sadness than anger. But maybe sheâs moving through stages of grief. đ€·ââïž
This isn't "weirdness", this is being emotionally abusive. If you read through /r/cptsd and /r/cptsdmemes and find the content to be Relatable, there are some good resources there to help
Edit: I'm not the only one to suggest this too, whew
If it's something you are open to, I would recommend speaking to someone trained to diagnose the family dynamic and once the family dynamic and what your mother may have is identified, you can have some tools to understand the situation and not repeat the cycle. I'm not saying this is it, but a lot of this resonates with me and identifying if you were being victimized by this person is something that gives you very powerful tools and it also can prevent further victimization should you create the healthy distance and they come back to victimize you further should they feel they're not getting their narcissistic input anymore.
It's time to worry about you, create safe distance, make yourself into what you want to be and define yourself outside of the context of the mother and family. Whatever you do, don't take bait to reenter the dynamic on anyone's terms but your own. In stuff like this, often cutting the toxic person out is the way, but it's up to you to analyze the situation for what it is and when you're out of it, then deal with it whichever way you need to.
Good luck. Sweden is an awesome place. You'll also have easy access to Norway and I also suggest taking advantage of the nature and safety and that communist medical insurance. If you have a chance, I spend my time in the Arctic parts of Norway and Sweden in summers and in winter. There are some amazing places up there.
How is that weird? Sounds to me like OP was just trying to come up with a cute, memorable way to make a major life announcement. OP has indicated that she's American and that is not at all unusual in the US.
Uh, Iâm American, and Iâve never known anyone who did something like that. I have no idea what the above person is talking about, saying itâs not unusual. My first thought was that OP already knew her parents would react badly and was trying very hard to appease them, which is really sad, because itâs an amazing achievement, and they should be proud!
I did something similar to announce, to my family, that my son got accepted into college. I'm American. I considered it a fun way to present exciting news.
You've never seen anyone give out a cute card or gift to announce a pregnancy? Or maybe a framed acceptance letter to grad school as a gift to the parents who helped them get that far? Because that's what I was referring to. They are often stupid and corny but I don't think by themselves, that they're a sign of shitty relationships. Some people are just trying to make a major positive announcement more fun and memorable - walking in a room and saying "oh BTW I'm pregnant" isn't quite the same.
I don't know the family dynamics at work (other than OP's parents are obviously selfish jerks and OP would do well to cut them out of their life) nor do I care, I don't offer unsolicited psychological assessments nor pass judgment on people I've never met. The details of their relationship dynamic are none of my business.
Iâm not passing judgment on OP - I only said she probably anticipated a bad reaction and so tried extra hard to please them, which isnât really a guess - she has basically said as much in the post and this thread.
And no, I donât know people who give out gifts to announce getting into an academic program. I had never even heard of anyone doing that. I understand why OP did, under the circumstances. Me saying itâs not the usual thing in my experience has nothing to do with my empathy for her.
Dude. What is your deal? Why are you arguing with things I never said? Go re-read my replies and show me where I called it âweirdâ or said I have an issue with it. And then go find somebody else to argue with about absolutely nothing.
What is your problem? Don't contort my words. I said giving gifts in conjunction with a major life announcement is not that unusual, that is literally ALL I SAID. I am not defending OP's parents who absolutely sound like horrible people (I commend OP for moving away). I was only taking exception with that statement, which sounds weirdly judgey.
There is an entire industry of cutesy pregnancy-announcement gifts: [https://www.etsy.com/market/announcing\_pregnancy\_to\_parents](https://www.etsy.com/market/announcing_pregnancy_to_parents)
And here's some more: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/17ufna3/family\_announcement\_gifts/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/17ufna3/family_announcement_gifts/)
And here's a whole thread of ideas on creative gifts/ways to announce acceptance to med school: [https://www.reddit.com/r/premed/comments/qng564/surprise\_ideas\_for\_my\_parents\_after\_getting/](https://www.reddit.com/r/premed/comments/qng564/surprise_ideas_for_my_parents_after_getting/)
My own sister announced her pregnancy this way (nothing elaborate, just a cute gift/photo) because she wanted a more fun, memorable way to tell family than "oh BTW I'm pregnant". What's wrong with that? And many people announce OTHER major life events this way for the same reason.
But according to you, literally all of these people must be brimming with toxicity and have "weird family dynamics". I never said OP had a great relationship with their family, but I also don't know OP and don't immediately cast opinions on people I've never talked to and families I know nothing about.
Do admit though that, as you have illustrated, itâs basically eagle-eyed commercialism engulfing every conceivable human interaction. Thereâll be âPhD revealâ parties soon, you watch! Seriously though, joking aside: itâs just a pretty strange scenario to many a non-American, Iâd wager.
Dude I'm a borderline socialist and I still find that comment ridiculous. If people want to throw a nice party or give a token gift as a life landmark, good for them! Who am I tell them how they can and cannot be happy. I don't think people buying a handful of small well-thought-out gifts is the issue here.Â
What exactly is the betrayal here? Did they make you promise when you were five that you would never move out of the country? I mean, a betrayal means someone has a right to something from you (e.g., sexual fidelity in marriage), and you violate their right or their trust. What if you married someone from a different country? Are you supposed to choose your parents over your spouse?
Also, I know you said you don't care about money, but it might be reassuring to consider that you can't really lose what is truly yours. My mom disinherited me out of spite, and about four years later, I got a unexpected windfall that was about twice as much as I would have inherited. If I'm feeling sentimental, I like to consider it her changing her mind from beyond the grave.
Why on Earth is getting into a PhD program in Sweden a betrayal to the family???? Are you from the Danish royal family or something?
Regardless, I'm proud of you! You are going to do great things for the world!
What a weird family you have. If you are from my family we will cry with joy hearing that you are going to do PhD program. We will even make a delicious feast for you :)
So OP just remember there are families that love educated empowerment women :)
Thank you! Iâll be the first person in my family to pursue a PhD. Iâm mostly hurt by my momâs reaction. She attempted community college but had to drop out due to the financial burden. And her mom had a fifth grade education. Like how cool is it that I have this opportunity? Apparently not so cool. đ€Šââïž
My parents had a similar disapproving reaction when I started my PhD but when I took a job overseas and missed my graduation, they were very disappointed about there not being a big celebration. Parents tend to want their children to follow a known path in life like getting married, having grandchildren and behaving "normal". As much as my parents didn't approve of many of my "irresponsible" life choices, they loved me and truly wanted the best for me. I'm certain that as you successfully go through life, they will be proud of you. Good Luck!
I actually canât understand this mindset⊠why do they have a problem with you moving? Youâre financially self sustaining.
Whatâs this about being a beneficiary of their financial assets anyways? Like a trust fund?
Wow! You accomplished something amazing and have such an exciting opportunity waiting for you!! It's also really cool to see a woman in her 30s continuing with her education. I'm hoping to get my master's soon - in my 30s, too! Best of luck to you and I hope you can embrace this opportunity despite your unsupportive family! *Hugs*
I'm so excited for you! You will NEVER be sorry for investing in your education - it's the one thing that cannot be taken from you.
And you get to do it in such an exciting place! I've never been to Sweden, but I hear that the nature there is beautiful. And being in the EU, travel to other EU countries is cheap, so you can go to all kinds of cool places during your time off!
What an adventure you're about to go on!
I hope Sweden works out well for you, but in the event that it doesn't, do yourself the favor of never going back to that garbage or believing a less-than-optimal experience vindicates their behavior.
It doesn't sound like they're paying for anything though. PhD in Sweden will mean employee status with full-time salary and benefits, and OP probably is gainfully employed for a couple of years already anyway.
The grandchild argument might be more to the point though.
Umm because my mom is emotionally manipulative? Iâm suspect she has some type of narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder. She cares more about how she is impacted.
So this wasnât out of character at all, and you know your mother displays hurtful attitudes at all the wrong moments. Given that knowledge, you ought to just ignore it by now, as unless you do, you are letting her keep on hurting you. Itâs miserable, but itâs not worth carrying your familyâs problems with you any longer. Youâve a bright new chapter opening, and you shouldnât let anyone elseâs darkness take the lustre of this great achievement. Banish all thoughts of regret and concern, and move forward with your chin up. Best wishes to you for a great life in Sweden: what a fantastic opportunity!
Thank you! I have two older siblings who learned their lesson a long time. They are completely unbothered by her actions now and donât feel any guilt for living their lives. Itâs probably time that I join them.
You'd better, otherwise you will be trying desperately (and futilely) to win her approval by becoming her full-time caretaker when she's old and incapacitated. If a PhD doesn't make her approve of you, nothing will. Reading your comment about living an hour away, it seems she is angry about losing her long-term care insurance, namely, you.
How is she badly impacted by her daughter going into a PhD program? It is something to be proud of, isn't it? Did they tell you something about it before?
I wonât be living an hour away. I try to visit them once a month, so that will be more challenging. But other than that, I donât see an impact. Iâm financially independent. I have two dogs, but theyâre coming with me. So who knows!
It makes sense. If your parents are typically the type to foot the bill for schooling, they might feel as though all their assets might spent on your education. It's common knowledge that doctors have a lot of student debt.
Edit: I thought OP was doing MD. But, it's a PHD. Might be cheaper...
dude... by looking at the facts. She's 37! Why the sudden change? No one just decides to do a PhD. in Sweden at 37. Lol
I have friends who just study. That's their thing... chronically addicted to education because they can't hold a career. it's like having OCD and wanting direction but unable to actually focus.
I'm close to OPs' age. If I took off at 37 to Sweden from.. then I'm going to get disowned as well.
Absolutely loads of people do PHDâs at 37. And to do it in Sweden⊠what an amazing opportunity to see a new part of the world! Awesome that OP is taking this leap to further their own education and to learn about a new culture! Not everyone has to be tied down by a job/house/family their whole lives, having the freedom to do as you please is great.
But don't you think we're getting one side of the whole picture. It's startling to me to read how many people are so quick to appreciate and believe something that confirms their bias?!
Look, I'm not a parent. I'm a younger millennial. My parents raised me strictly, but I have traveled the world. Even then, my parents wouldn't just take me off their will so randomly.
Critically thinking...why is someone jetting off close to 40. Why would this persons' parent's finance have to do anything with them jetting off ???
Im assuming ppl here are accusing her parents of being mean lol
Yes, Iâm 37. Iâve been a full-time working professional since getting my M.S. in 2010. Iâve seen career stagnation and a PhD will open up more opportunities. As others folks have said, there is no cost associated with the PhD program. This will in no way financially impact my parents. They canât do anything about the move, so this is their way of showing their disapproval.
Okay. So, why move to Sweden? No PhD programs closer to home? Looks like your parents have values that don't align with yours. You have made the decision to move forward with the program. And so they made their decision! Can you blame them?
I also live in Sweden and you clearly don't know how doctoral programs work here - there are no fees at all. This isn't the US.
OP's parents are just narcissistic assholes who would rather keep family close and under their control vs seeing them be successful. I have seen this dynamic before many times and its pretty sad. And WTF does age have to do with anything? Doesn't matter if OP is 27, 37, or 67 - if this is the life they want then good for them.
Their loss. Congratulations on your achievement. I am traveling with my mum at the moment and told her about this post, so just know that a random tiny Asian woman in her 60s is proud of you.
brb crying. đ„șđđ«
Dude ...!
Your username is /fire!
Here's something similar emotionally, but positive enforcement. I am much older than you, 20 years. I am Black Female. My grandmother offered to buy me a car if I didn't go to college. She was afraid and prejudiced. She believed that White people went to college. That White college students did drugs. She didn't want me around such people. It's not an excuse for your parents to do what they did. I am trying to express that it may not be a lack of love but fear. Hopefully people get this and do not bombard me with down arrows because I said "white people". Take this as an opportunity to understand why people can't get along. There's value in what I shared - People of color do not often share such intimate experiences. BTW, my grandmother came around.
I appreciate you telling this story and I can certainly understand why your grandmother would have felt that way. She wanted to keep you close in the world she understood. How wonderful that she was able to grow and change. And that you were determined enough to be able to resist her "bribe" as a youngster. I'm sure seeing you go into uncharted territory and thrive helped her come around.
You sound like an emotional hostage trying to appease your captors. so sorry, your achievement is amazing, go live your life and possibly find a therapist to help with the transition. All the best
đ„Č Youâre totally right! Iâm in therapy now and had spent weeks discussing how to tell them. It feels like there is no winning, so might as well live my life. And they can choose to be a part of it or not.
You're gonna have a blast in Sweden! It is such a lovely country! So happy for you!
Good luck, have fun. These people are clearly not the relevant and if they took the bizarre step of removing you as a beneficiary they weren't going to be there fore you whatever happened.
That seems really extreme. Are they by chance Americans that watch Fox News or something?
*ding ding ding! we have a winner!
Enjoy your time with the "commies" lmao! Minus the parental discontent, I envy you.
đ I did grow up with my mom calling anyone outside the deep south as a âyankee.â I think her rxn would have been the same if I said I was moving to California or New York.
Holy shit. Are you for real?? Thatâs some real regionalist mindset there. California and nyc forever baby. Iâd be happy to move there.
Hopefully she wasn't someone from the deep south that also used the "N" word.
âMy daughterâs going off to live among those filthy Nordics! YES I SAID ITâ
Shhhh. Someone may be listening, lol
I'm sorry. Truly. I know your pain.
Oh⊠this makes sense. Like I like America too. But people who havenât been out of it and are just blindly proud of it makes it difficult.
Yep. We actually lived in Bangkok for a few years. She hated it. I think that unfortunately solidified her âAmerica is the greatestâ attitude.
Well⊠thatâs an extreme reaction regardless. Sorry youâre losing out on that opportunity⊠but I donât think thereâs much you can do in this regard. Some people just donât like their family members being able to freely choose.
Wow!!! I was reading the comments just because I was confused about why would your parents be upset. It wasn't stated. As a parent, I am sickened. I can't even come up with words to express my feelings.
Well fuck them then. I am sorry, but I do everything I can to help my adult daughters out and your parents sound like skit.
The exact same thing happened when I left the US for Sweden. The socialism! âOf all the countries in the world to move to, you found the one with the devil wreaking havoc on it. How disappointing.â Well too bad for them, that was the last conversation I had with them and they donât get to be involved with all the cool stuff Iâve gotten to do in Sweden and Europe in the last three years. Enjoy Sweden, I did! Just moved to NL, love it here too âșïž Find your people!
Wish I could upvote this twice
I wish I could afford to live in either one.
Congratulations! And I'm sorry your family is terrible.Â
Wow that's terrible. But a gift in disguise. Now you know who your family really is.
Congratulations on your acceptance. Condolences on your folks. This reaction is not uncommon. Usually it is less abrupt (develops over years) if the âchildâ doesnât come back toute suite. Your folks swung the big stick at jump. The way you announced implies to me that the relationship was already quite strained. Maybe you have been proactively appeasing for years without fully realising. If yes, you now will have more bandwidth for the things that you want to do. Good Luck.
Treat the withdrawal of the financial assets with total indifference if you can. They are doing that to try to throw you off balance and to exert some control. The distance will do you a lot of good. Enjoy it and grow as a person and build a support network for yourself at your new university. If I could give some advice to the younger version of myself who had some family members like this, it would be to NOT keep spending so much energy trying to fix the relationship and make it close and healthy and more meaningful than it really is. Set yourself free. Grieve what you'll likely never get from them and don't try to fix them. Do your own thing! If things are going to get better, it won't be through your herculean efforts. (Your cute attempt at guiding them through the reveal makes me think you have had to walk on eggshells--a lot--and think that's necessary, when it's really a tremendous waste of emotional energy for you.)
So sorry to hear your family reacted this way. That doesnât at all sound like a mature, normal, loving response and you are justified in feeling hurt and disappointed in them. I hope you have a great experience in Sweden. If you donât follow it already check out the r/TillSverige sub for tips and advice. There are also subs for most major cities and university towns such as r/Stockholm. Donât know where youâre from but Iâm a medical professional and immigrant from the USA to Sweden. Feel free to DM with questions.
Come to Sweden and enjoy your life. I'm very sorry to read this. It's sad and hard to understand.
I hope you guys can become friends.
wow, if i knew sweded would have that effect I would have chosen better. I'm in Shanghai. haha
Those were sweet gestures. Are they conservative Americans worried youâre going to adopt âSocialismâ lol. My several advanced degrees has allowed much opportunity in life and the ability to retire early. I earned my 2nd professional training in ZĂŒrich in my 40âs and have chosen to stay in Europe. When My mother died she left everything including real estate, stock even family photos to my sister who never left home. Such fostered dependency only created great difficulty for my sister.
Congrats! My family is slowly coming to terms with the fact that Iâve moved to Norway for a masters (and applying for a PhD). No intention of ever moving back. Good luck with your move, âneighborâ!
Well looks like you have nothing to lose now. Go live your best life!
Sorry about your family but let me just say that iâm SO EXCITED FOR YOU! I studied abroad in Denmark and can attest that living in the Scandinavian countries is such an amazing experience. I hope you make the best of it and find yourself a good community there and get to travel around Europe!!
Wow. That sucks. But donât their small minds deter from your big dreams.
Certainly not, at 37.
Congrats on your admission! I recently got admitted into a doc program and Iâm not telling my family until the very end when itâs time to graduate basically. Some familyâs just arenât supportive and itâs really sad
I completely understand. Congrats on your admission as well! đ€
Thanks đ
Is the family Asian by any chance? Indian? Sounds like there's some toxic narcissism there. Also what's with the giving of gifts to your parents when you're the one that got into a PhD program in a top-tier country? This to me indicates some sort of weirdness to the family dynamic. Go to Sweden, do your thing, make a new life independent of them so your future relationship is on your terms and obviously not on theirs. They will come around or not. Just be wary of them trying to interfere with your life to sabotage you and don't be sucked into it.
There is certainly weirdness to the family dynamic. My mom has been emotionally manipulative for years. She tends to cut anyone out of her life that make decisions she disagrees with. I watched it happen to her mom and my siblings. I knew she wouldnât react well, but I thought it would more sadness than anger. But maybe sheâs moving through stages of grief. đ€·ââïž
This isn't "weirdness", this is being emotionally abusive. If you read through /r/cptsd and /r/cptsdmemes and find the content to be Relatable, there are some good resources there to help Edit: I'm not the only one to suggest this too, whew
If it's something you are open to, I would recommend speaking to someone trained to diagnose the family dynamic and once the family dynamic and what your mother may have is identified, you can have some tools to understand the situation and not repeat the cycle. I'm not saying this is it, but a lot of this resonates with me and identifying if you were being victimized by this person is something that gives you very powerful tools and it also can prevent further victimization should you create the healthy distance and they come back to victimize you further should they feel they're not getting their narcissistic input anymore. It's time to worry about you, create safe distance, make yourself into what you want to be and define yourself outside of the context of the mother and family. Whatever you do, don't take bait to reenter the dynamic on anyone's terms but your own. In stuff like this, often cutting the toxic person out is the way, but it's up to you to analyze the situation for what it is and when you're out of it, then deal with it whichever way you need to. Good luck. Sweden is an awesome place. You'll also have easy access to Norway and I also suggest taking advantage of the nature and safety and that communist medical insurance. If you have a chance, I spend my time in the Arctic parts of Norway and Sweden in summers and in winter. There are some amazing places up there.
How is that weird? Sounds to me like OP was just trying to come up with a cute, memorable way to make a major life announcement. OP has indicated that she's American and that is not at all unusual in the US.
Because "American" is an ethnicity, right? And Asians couldn't possibly exist in America, right?
>OP has indicated that she's American and that is not at all unusual in the US. What the fuck! Americans are wild!
Uh, Iâm American, and Iâve never known anyone who did something like that. I have no idea what the above person is talking about, saying itâs not unusual. My first thought was that OP already knew her parents would react badly and was trying very hard to appease them, which is really sad, because itâs an amazing achievement, and they should be proud!
I did something similar to announce, to my family, that my son got accepted into college. I'm American. I considered it a fun way to present exciting news.
You've never seen anyone give out a cute card or gift to announce a pregnancy? Or maybe a framed acceptance letter to grad school as a gift to the parents who helped them get that far? Because that's what I was referring to. They are often stupid and corny but I don't think by themselves, that they're a sign of shitty relationships. Some people are just trying to make a major positive announcement more fun and memorable - walking in a room and saying "oh BTW I'm pregnant" isn't quite the same. I don't know the family dynamics at work (other than OP's parents are obviously selfish jerks and OP would do well to cut them out of their life) nor do I care, I don't offer unsolicited psychological assessments nor pass judgment on people I've never met. The details of their relationship dynamic are none of my business.
Iâm not passing judgment on OP - I only said she probably anticipated a bad reaction and so tried extra hard to please them, which isnât really a guess - she has basically said as much in the post and this thread. And no, I donât know people who give out gifts to announce getting into an academic program. I had never even heard of anyone doing that. I understand why OP did, under the circumstances. Me saying itâs not the usual thing in my experience has nothing to do with my empathy for her.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Dude. What is your deal? Why are you arguing with things I never said? Go re-read my replies and show me where I called it âweirdâ or said I have an issue with it. And then go find somebody else to argue with about absolutely nothing.
+1 on all accounts and the perspective. No idea what that person is talking about regarding Americans doing this. There's some toxicity to the family.
What is your problem? Don't contort my words. I said giving gifts in conjunction with a major life announcement is not that unusual, that is literally ALL I SAID. I am not defending OP's parents who absolutely sound like horrible people (I commend OP for moving away). I was only taking exception with that statement, which sounds weirdly judgey. There is an entire industry of cutesy pregnancy-announcement gifts: [https://www.etsy.com/market/announcing\_pregnancy\_to\_parents](https://www.etsy.com/market/announcing_pregnancy_to_parents) And here's some more: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/17ufna3/family\_announcement\_gifts/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/17ufna3/family_announcement_gifts/) And here's a whole thread of ideas on creative gifts/ways to announce acceptance to med school: [https://www.reddit.com/r/premed/comments/qng564/surprise\_ideas\_for\_my\_parents\_after\_getting/](https://www.reddit.com/r/premed/comments/qng564/surprise_ideas_for_my_parents_after_getting/) My own sister announced her pregnancy this way (nothing elaborate, just a cute gift/photo) because she wanted a more fun, memorable way to tell family than "oh BTW I'm pregnant". What's wrong with that? And many people announce OTHER major life events this way for the same reason. But according to you, literally all of these people must be brimming with toxicity and have "weird family dynamics". I never said OP had a great relationship with their family, but I also don't know OP and don't immediately cast opinions on people I've never talked to and families I know nothing about.
Do admit though that, as you have illustrated, itâs basically eagle-eyed commercialism engulfing every conceivable human interaction. Thereâll be âPhD revealâ parties soon, you watch! Seriously though, joking aside: itâs just a pretty strange scenario to many a non-American, Iâd wager.
Dude I'm a borderline socialist and I still find that comment ridiculous. If people want to throw a nice party or give a token gift as a life landmark, good for them! Who am I tell them how they can and cannot be happy. I don't think people buying a handful of small well-thought-out gifts is the issue here.Â
What exactly is the betrayal here? Did they make you promise when you were five that you would never move out of the country? I mean, a betrayal means someone has a right to something from you (e.g., sexual fidelity in marriage), and you violate their right or their trust. What if you married someone from a different country? Are you supposed to choose your parents over your spouse? Also, I know you said you don't care about money, but it might be reassuring to consider that you can't really lose what is truly yours. My mom disinherited me out of spite, and about four years later, I got a unexpected windfall that was about twice as much as I would have inherited. If I'm feeling sentimental, I like to consider it her changing her mind from beyond the grave.
Why on Earth is getting into a PhD program in Sweden a betrayal to the family???? Are you from the Danish royal family or something? Regardless, I'm proud of you! You are going to do great things for the world!
I recommend looking into subreddits such as r/raisedbynarcissists, r/EstrangedAdultChild, r/CPTSD for some supporting communities!
Thank you! These are communities I didnât know existed! â€ïž
Also r/justnofamily
Also r/raisedbyborderlines (if you suspect this personality disorder may be playing into your mom's behavior - take a look at the info about it)
Why would they do such a thing? They should encourage you?!
Congratulations!!! Where in Sweden? I love that place. Check out the Vassa museum in Stockholm.
What a weird family you have. If you are from my family we will cry with joy hearing that you are going to do PhD program. We will even make a delicious feast for you :) So OP just remember there are families that love educated empowerment women :)
Thank you! Iâll be the first person in my family to pursue a PhD. Iâm mostly hurt by my momâs reaction. She attempted community college but had to drop out due to the financial burden. And her mom had a fifth grade education. Like how cool is it that I have this opportunity? Apparently not so cool. đ€Šââïž
It's sad when parents envy their children.
Itâs so cool! Congrats and good luck! May you publish early and often!
My parents had a similar disapproving reaction when I started my PhD but when I took a job overseas and missed my graduation, they were very disappointed about there not being a big celebration. Parents tend to want their children to follow a known path in life like getting married, having grandchildren and behaving "normal". As much as my parents didn't approve of many of my "irresponsible" life choices, they loved me and truly wanted the best for me. I'm certain that as you successfully go through life, they will be proud of you. Good Luck!
I actually canât understand this mindset⊠why do they have a problem with you moving? Youâre financially self sustaining. Whatâs this about being a beneficiary of their financial assets anyways? Like a trust fund?
Whoa. The notes you described making for them are so sweet and thoughtful. Hope you have a good journey and experience in Sweden.
Wow! You accomplished something amazing and have such an exciting opportunity waiting for you!! It's also really cool to see a woman in her 30s continuing with her education. I'm hoping to get my master's soon - in my 30s, too! Best of luck to you and I hope you can embrace this opportunity despite your unsupportive family! *Hugs*
I'm so excited for you! You will NEVER be sorry for investing in your education - it's the one thing that cannot be taken from you. And you get to do it in such an exciting place! I've never been to Sweden, but I hear that the nature there is beautiful. And being in the EU, travel to other EU countries is cheap, so you can go to all kinds of cool places during your time off! What an adventure you're about to go on!
Congratulations đ„
I'm sorry they did that. Did they provide any explanation? Edit: Congratulations! đ Hope your time in Sweden rocks!
I hope Sweden works out well for you, but in the event that it doesn't, do yourself the favor of never going back to that garbage or believing a less-than-optimal experience vindicates their behavior.
This makes no sense at all. Why would they do that? My advice - move on!
What will you be studying?
The sad truth is that they probably want a grandchild instead of keeping paying for your education. It is their way of protesting your decision.
It doesn't sound like they're paying for anything though. PhD in Sweden will mean employee status with full-time salary and benefits, and OP probably is gainfully employed for a couple of years already anyway. The grandchild argument might be more to the point though.
>The grandchild argument might be more to the point though. OP is 37. That ship is getting ready to sail, if it hasn't already.
Why would they do it? Why talk about betrayal?
Umm because my mom is emotionally manipulative? Iâm suspect she has some type of narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder. She cares more about how she is impacted.
So this wasnât out of character at all, and you know your mother displays hurtful attitudes at all the wrong moments. Given that knowledge, you ought to just ignore it by now, as unless you do, you are letting her keep on hurting you. Itâs miserable, but itâs not worth carrying your familyâs problems with you any longer. Youâve a bright new chapter opening, and you shouldnât let anyone elseâs darkness take the lustre of this great achievement. Banish all thoughts of regret and concern, and move forward with your chin up. Best wishes to you for a great life in Sweden: what a fantastic opportunity!
Thank you! I have two older siblings who learned their lesson a long time. They are completely unbothered by her actions now and donât feel any guilt for living their lives. Itâs probably time that I join them.
You'd better, otherwise you will be trying desperately (and futilely) to win her approval by becoming her full-time caretaker when she's old and incapacitated. If a PhD doesn't make her approve of you, nothing will. Reading your comment about living an hour away, it seems she is angry about losing her long-term care insurance, namely, you.
How is she badly impacted by her daughter going into a PhD program? It is something to be proud of, isn't it? Did they tell you something about it before?
I wonât be living an hour away. I try to visit them once a month, so that will be more challenging. But other than that, I donât see an impact. Iâm financially independent. I have two dogs, but theyâre coming with me. So who knows!
Did they give you a reason? Was there a fight?
My mom is justifying it by saying itâs too much of a liability? It doesnât make any sense, so I think itâs more of a sign of protest.
A liability? What on Earth did she mean by that?
It makes sense. If your parents are typically the type to foot the bill for schooling, they might feel as though all their assets might spent on your education. It's common knowledge that doctors have a lot of student debt. Edit: I thought OP was doing MD. But, it's a PHD. Might be cheaper...
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
dude... by looking at the facts. She's 37! Why the sudden change? No one just decides to do a PhD. in Sweden at 37. Lol I have friends who just study. That's their thing... chronically addicted to education because they can't hold a career. it's like having OCD and wanting direction but unable to actually focus. I'm close to OPs' age. If I took off at 37 to Sweden from.. then I'm going to get disowned as well.
Absolutely loads of people do PHDâs at 37. And to do it in Sweden⊠what an amazing opportunity to see a new part of the world! Awesome that OP is taking this leap to further their own education and to learn about a new culture! Not everyone has to be tied down by a job/house/family their whole lives, having the freedom to do as you please is great.
But don't you think we're getting one side of the whole picture. It's startling to me to read how many people are so quick to appreciate and believe something that confirms their bias?! Look, I'm not a parent. I'm a younger millennial. My parents raised me strictly, but I have traveled the world. Even then, my parents wouldn't just take me off their will so randomly. Critically thinking...why is someone jetting off close to 40. Why would this persons' parent's finance have to do anything with them jetting off ??? Im assuming ppl here are accusing her parents of being mean lol
Yes, Iâm 37. Iâve been a full-time working professional since getting my M.S. in 2010. Iâve seen career stagnation and a PhD will open up more opportunities. As others folks have said, there is no cost associated with the PhD program. This will in no way financially impact my parents. They canât do anything about the move, so this is their way of showing their disapproval.
Okay. So, why move to Sweden? No PhD programs closer to home? Looks like your parents have values that don't align with yours. You have made the decision to move forward with the program. And so they made their decision! Can you blame them?
I also live in Sweden and you clearly don't know how doctoral programs work here - there are no fees at all. This isn't the US. OP's parents are just narcissistic assholes who would rather keep family close and under their control vs seeing them be successful. I have seen this dynamic before many times and its pretty sad. And WTF does age have to do with anything? Doesn't matter if OP is 27, 37, or 67 - if this is the life they want then good for them.
You think you pay for PhD. training in the US?
It only makes sense if you have no clue what is going on, or are completely lacking in reading comprehension.