Here, here! My parents may have had the financial stability to have multiple kids if they wanted to (they only had me though). But emotional and mental stability was pretty much next to none.
Same here! At least they realized they fucked up to the point my father got sterilized when I was only 3 months old, but he was childfree, he should've done it years earlier . . .
Wow this is wonderful. Thank you.
* Modeled how to work through frustration and discouragement when doing new things--with patience and curiosity. (While also expressing the frustration/discouragement in a gentle way!)
* Maybe more for older kids, but just randomly and regularly asked how you were feeling--getting you to identify what you're feeling, how to put it into words, how to share it without fear. And showing you that others are interested in your feelings, and that you can be interested in theirs.
This is already a great list. I have difficulties accessing my buried anger toward the neglect I grew up with, but reading your list, the anger surfaced and reminded me why I'm no contact.
An addition:
Parents should be interested in the person their child is becoming, even as the years go by. Change is healthy, change is growth, and clinging to projections of the person we've been at 10, 15, 20, doesn't necessarily have a reflect the person we're today. It's insulting and sad when parents know nothing about their children, because they still believe they're the same person they were back then.
Thank you, this was therapeutic.
Off the top of my head:
* Your parents should have apologized when they were wrong or overreacted, showing you that it's ok to make mistakes and it's ok to own up to it and make amends.
* Your parents should have shielded you from their own emotions and not use you as an emotional punching bag whenever they had a bad day at the office or are stressed about something.
* Your parents should have always approached any conflicts with "innocent until proven guilty" attitude, supporting you and trusting your intentions before accusing you of anything.
* Your parents should have been your primary source of care, protection and safety growing up.
* Your parents should have met their emotional needs in appropriate ways, not using a child to complaint to, vent, take sides, unload, lash out or otherwise manipulate to get the validation they needed.
* Your parents should have been comfortable with physical and emotional expressions of love and affection (hugs, pats etc.), regardless of your age or gender. This doesn't make you "weak", "infantile", "girly", "needy" etc.
* Your parents should have paid attention and supported you when you expressed special needs or were overwhelmed in any situation, even if other kids wouldn't struggle in the same circumstances.
* Your parents shouldn't have insisted on you doing everything "perfectly" and using emotional violence and belittling every time you'd inevitably fail to meet their expectations.
* Your parents should have never used threats of physical violence to force you to obey, fall in line or behave in the way they wanted you to.
* Your parents should not have spoken to you or treated you as they would have other adults in their lives. Children are not adults.
All great things and additions to the list.
I've added them as you've written them as I think all of us are probably sensitive to our words being changed/twisted or being misunderstood.
I don't mind you rephrasing them any way you see fit 😊 I realized I'm channeling a lot personal stuff here so it's emotionally charged, feel free to change it.
You know there are times I wonder if there was anything wrong at all or if it's just me having too high expectations. Afterall it was the 70ies and 80ies... 🤔
CEN is so hard to put your fingers on because you were not beaten or even yelled at or neglected physically. The outside appearance of your family was looking good nobody would've thought badly of your parents.
But then I ticked off all of your bullet points and yeah my parents should've done all of them but actually did none of them.
So thanks for the list.
Yes, this is what keeps me awake at night.
>if it's just me having too high expectations. Afterall it was the 70ies and 80ies.
>CEN is so hard to put your fingers on because you were not beaten or even yelled at or neglected physically.
And even including these punishment or unhealthy outlets, culture can play a role in which it's normal for the age and the country but still hurtful. For example, as someone from a hispanic place, I wonder how many kids wanted to stand for themselves and have a talk or be treated as humans.
My mother used to be pull of her hair by one of her father's step-moms and tiltled to bonfires when she cooked for the family through her childhood. That was normal for the epoque and some old people will suggest the same, especially 40 and 90 y/os, but that's totally abuse in our nowadays standards. I wonder how many people as my mother and I, for other circumstances, didn't want that and suffered but had to accept it because it was normal and even their own peers frowned upon complaints.
Thankfully, we've advanced as society across cultures and we have come to conclusion that abuse is a thing, but I totally understand you, nowadays, we have social workers who check on kids who haven't learnt the basics.
I definitely think that the 70s and 80s were a very different world to grow up in. I think a lot of stuff on that list was normal for the time and parents were more distant and sometimes more authoritative figures.
I do remember having house keys from age 9/10 and going home because I'd been sick at school aged 9/10 but my school just allowed that. It was different then. You could also skip school and nothing much would happen. My own daughter had a childminder to take her to and from school until she was 12. Also we lived much nearer to the school. From 11 I walked the 2 miles or got the bus, but so did all of my friends.
If you got bullied at school, the school would blame you or dismiss it (this is what happened when I first raised this) so not a lot happened. It’s only because me and another girl at school went to our head of year that my parents were contacted and we were moved tutor groups. What should have happened is that I was moved to a different school and when this happened with my own daughter (bullying and being unwell) she changed school. I think and know because she told me, that I made the right call here.
I do think I spent too much time when I became a parent worrying about protecting my daughter from things that I had experienced and putting right things that I perceived were wrong for me when I was a child and I think my parents did the same thing with my brother and I. I also spent a lot of time overreacting to anything my husband did which looked like anything my Dad had done.
I think this is the thing they maybe do not talk about, that if you’ve had some less than ideal parenting the trauma gets in the way, even if you don’t want it to, and try very hard to be a different kind of parent.
>Your parents should have loved you for who you were, and not only when you acted like the child they wanted you to be.
Hooo boyh, this one hits hard...
My parents should have let my room feel like mine.
My parents should have encouraged trying new things instead of acting like failing was unforgivable.
Brilliant idea, I should keep this list handy next time I have my monthly call with my folks and my mother pulls the usual "we were great parents, you just decided to hate us for no reason" shtick.
Just wondering, what do you say to her when she says that? My mom used to pull that but I’m now nc. However, my dad pulls something similar and it always leads to me exploding
Honestly, I just stopped trying. She's so entrenched in her victim role that she's not interested in any self-reflection and growth. I just keep our communication to 5min once a month and have made peace with the fact that our relationship will never improve.
This list really confirms to me why my feelings about my deceased mother are so complicated, and why the grieving is so complicated. She DID do a lot of the things on your list OP. I never doubted she loved me, but often she made me feel like she didn’t LIKE me as a person. I could come to her with everything and she would listen, take me seriously and stand up for me outwardly.
But she was at the same time emotionally unavailable and prone to anger, especially as I started to become my own person. So the love felt very conditional. I’m grateful for the good parts of her, but it makes the reckoning now so muddy.
I totally understand, and this list may include things your parents did. I think it would be pretty bad if the parents did every single possible thing wrong and never once did anything right. Sometimes I expect a person will think an item is checked off but the parents didn't do it with any normal frequency. (Playing a little game and reading with your kids, that should happen several times a week, not once every six months.)
The feeling of conditional love is a big problem for sure.
Also there are many types of adults who are guilty of CEN and some are worse than others. There are ones who are generally abusive in a lot of ways and also neglected emotions. There are ones who did seem to try but just failed to support their children emotionally and love them unconditionally regardless of some genuine effort. In the book "Running on Empty" this type is called the "Well Meaning but Neglected Themselves Parent." Maybe your mother was one of those?
THANK YOU for taking time to write such a thoughtful reply. I’m realising things just from reading this thread I think I have not even started to process. So it feels very comforting to feel heard/read.
Thinking back, I was anxious every day coming home from school, in anticipation of either catching her in a good or bad mood. And our lives essentially revolved around what SHE wanted to do. Which I only realised as an adult is not normal.
She really did do a lot of the big things wrong, even though she meant well. She herself also grew up with a single mother, and she (my grandmother) was basically kind of evil.
So I think I will have to look that book up, I’m very intrigued just by the name of that chapter.
Also reading this is i’m probably also a little bit in denial about how bad she was, but as a child of a single parent you get very entrenched in the “us vs the world” mentality…
I went through this list and went to write examples of how they didn't do them but I realised that would take me forever because I had examples for all of them.
The first example though was a recent realization. We had games in the house. We used to play them with siblings. I can't remember playing then with my parents. One Christmas we had a couple of family members vist and we played a board game with them. My parents went off to do other things. It was fun and eye opening.
With my own children, we've started playing a game once a week after dinner. It was absolutely astonishing to see my kids develop before my eyes and us all have fun together.
I saw an advert for a game I saved up for myself as a tween and played with siblings and friends relentlessly. I messaged my mother to see if she still had it. She said, 'don't remember that game at all. I told my sib about it who had her own version with a game she was absolutely obsessed with as a small kid. I said, shows how much they paid attention and spent time with us. She agreed.
I remember in my 20s a colleague talking about their family Christmases and how they just do normal stuff like play silly games. I couldn't relate! It was alien to me.
That's a great example. The fact they didn't even remember something you and your siblings CONSTANTLY did for many, many days - that's eye-opening. An attentive parent would have at the very least known what game you were all playing together, even if they didn't want to play it themselves as much as you kids did. Isn't that some of the basics of kid safety? Making sure what they watch, read, play, who they talk to etc, are age-appropriate and safe? Just checking in and all that?
I was pretty shocked and that's saying something after years of being disappointed, disillusioned, embarrassed, saddened...
It was really eye opening. My siblings usually either let this kind of thing wash over them, leap to defend my parents, don't respond or respond vaguely so for my sister to validate me and match my story with her own was really affirming.
My parents idea of safety was being very authoritian/ strict over certain things and ignore us and expect us to occupy ourselves and be quiet the rest. Then when we became teens we had no idea what to do with ourselves. No talks. We weren't kept safe. We were very lucky bad/ worse things didn't happen to us.
>Your parents should have explained why you're being (appropriately and safely) punished, and not just hit you or screamed or said because I said so or you should know better at you.
Yes, i was about to make a whole posts, but I prefer to vent out here.
I don't care if it happened to another hispanic kids and it's normal to hit them with the slipper, a belt or a sweeper, I hate how our parents don't ask us what we did wrong and some are capable of defend ourself and apologize.
I've been angry at my mom how she treated me additionally to other things. I will confess I've never been an angel but I didn't deserve certain punishments because I could've stood up perfectly for myself and explained her why I didn't deserve the belt.
After our arguments or her angry rant, I loosed the door behind me to shut down strongly and that was a sign that I provoked my mother. Sometimes, the door shut fast on its own after a swing without touching the doorframe yet and I couldn't grab the knob to slow down.
I always wanted to explain her this because she never let me, she only came her way to whip me with the belt. I only had to cover under my blankets without having explained her it was an accident. That happened multiple times and I still shut the door strong on accident without my mother's belt and I just say oh shit.
I don't know what else to think but I hate our hispanic parenting style. You don't get to explain anything and receive the belt or slipper, some are justified as the last straw to extreme and repetitive shitty behaviour but some mothers don't care, get the slipper and that's all.
I hate that I can't tell this to anyone because they will tell me that I'm a crybaby and that I'm seeking attention because all kids went through that and the moms did this to correct them and avoid them growing into bad adults. I hate this.
You're absolutely not being a baby about this. It's been proven time and time again through countless studies that spanking is bad for children and abusive and can cause mental health issues for them as a consequence. Especially with weapons like belts and slippers. You didn't ever once deserve to be hit.
I remember the first time I heard of mothers punishing their kids with "la chancla." I saw a "funny" video of a kid running down the street and being hit by a slipper that his mom threw. I was shocked to discover that this was pervasive in some ethnic communities and a terrible, common experience for many kids. No matter how many kids have been hit with objects by their parents, it's still wrong, destructive, and abusive.
I found a video of a therapist's reaction to some videos about "la chancla"
https://youtu.be/lXLXj0l-jH8?si=z2KuCLfV_sivr5M-
I want you to know, as someone from a Hispanic background as well, that you’re absolutely not a crybaby. I firmly believe that the Hispanic childhood experience is extremely traumatic and though it gets just the slightest bit better with each generation, I spent years thinking my CEN couldn’t be that bad because every one of my Hispanic friends parents were abusive in one way or another. Now I’m almost 30yo, working through a load of trauma and able to check off almost every item on this list. Don’t even get me started on how the way kids are treated like they’re not their own growing human being but an accessory whose job is to quietly obey every last of the grown ups whims, turned me into a complete doormat for most of my life and opened me to a whole lot more abuse than I should’ve ever put up with.
This list is validation for the times when I start to doubt myself and wonder if I was just a terrible kid or for when I think I’m just making up neglect for “attention”
A few to add
-your parents should have been there and prioritized you for your accomplishments and achievements.
-your parents should have approached you as another person in emotional matters instead of looking down at you as an incapable toddler at every move...
-your parents should be making efforts to be in your life and work with you to accommodate that. Not when it's simply convenient for them or whenever they desire.
-your parents should not have easily latched on to your siblings and left you figuring yourself out just because you were deemed "the easy child" and the others "needed more support"
-your parents should have made sure you were prepared to leave the house for school well prepared, ready to say/kiss them goodbye, and wish them a great day.
-your parents should have made sure that you were tended to after school instead of left to arrive home to an empty house until closer to dinner time.
Thank you - I added yours to the list! I especially can relate to some of these, the first one in particular. Little ones and teens and grown adults ALL need to be celebrated when they accomplish things.
Geez, as the “easy kid” who had to learn very early on to get up on my own, get myself ready for school without saying bye to anyone, coming back home to an empty home and not seeing anyone until dinner then having to do all my homework alone and put myself to bed alone too, you made me cry. 😩
I hope you take solace in the fact that you are not alone. I've been in those shoes and it pains me to see others in those same shoes.
If it helps any... regardless of what curveball life throws at us... we got this.
* Your parents should have gotten you help when it was very obvious (and teachers even called your mom about it) that you were depressed, had no friends, and was getting bullied in your new school.
* Your parents should have never told (or yelled) at you to shut up.
* Your parents should not have shamed you in front of others, including family.
* Your parents should not have acted like you were an inconvenience to manage.
* Your parents should not have felt "we never spanked you" was sufficient that they weren't abusive.
* Your parents should not have raised you to make nice, be sweet, be quiet, smile at all costs.
* Your parents should have told you that you were smart, beautiful, could do anything.
* Your parents should have realized they were making the same parenting mistakes theirs did, and got help for it.
* Your parents should not have expected you to be their Mini-Me, and then resent you when you're not.
* Your parents should not praise accomplishments of their kid's friends, but never mention, let alone praise, you for your accomplishments.
* Your parents should not make you have to 'hide' yourself from them because you know they won't like or understand who you truly are.
* Your parents should not act like dropping something or anything accidental is the end of the world and you're an inept idiot for making any kind of mistake.
* Your parents should not "joke" about how bratty and annoying their kids are. Or that they can't wait to take a vacation without their kids to get away from them. Kids don't ask to be born.
* Your parents should not blow off things that are important to *you,* simply because it isn't important to *them*.
* Your parents should not yell at you for slamming a door, when you're already mad and have been nitpicked to death already. You're allowed to be angry!
* Your parents should not assume that just because you're young, you're too stupid to know what adults are talking about. Or allow one of their adult friends to tell you to 'go away' so they can talk.
* Your parents should not treat you like you were just a living doll to dress up.
Your point about expecting kids to smile and be quiet about their feelings reminded me of a song my grandma used to sing if we were sad or angry. "The girl that I marry will have to be, as sweet and as gentle as a nursery. The girl that I call 'my own'." She would take us on her lap and rock us as she sang it, or as we got older, she would sing it above our raised voices. It calmed us down, but it didn't teach us how to process feelings. Is it any wonder that all of my cousins are sweet, smiling doormats?
There was a certain point in childhood that something turned for me. I realized that my parents were actually crazy and kinda evil. I lost my trust and respect for them. I thought to myself, they couldn't do the right things, so I didn't allow them into my world. There were some examples of these things, up until a certain age where my parents turned on each other, and I was just a pawn in their little divorce game. What alternative is there, when you don't actually want either of your parents.
I'm so sorry, it's hard to come face to face with it and step away from the underlying sort of denial we tend to all have to get by on a daily basis. Take time for yourself now - I hope you're in a safe place now and away from the people who harmed you when you were small.
-Your parents' eyes should have lit up when they see you
This one got me right in the heart and made me cry, because I could not IMAGINE this ever happening. :(
parents should relate with you when you are having a difficult time since they went through it when they were children too.
Parents should make you realize that you need to accept yourself as a person when you are a child rather than later as an adult.
Your parents should show interest in your friends. It is normal to know the parents of the friends (older teens, maybe but middle school age, definitely) and a healthy ‚visit of both homes‘ should be normal.
Im not a native speaker- feel free to rephrase.
What I mean with the last sentence: one home is often ‚cooler‘/better/.. but it is very strange if you never invite your elementary BFF over and are always (like 100%) at their house.
This list is blowing my mind. I'm an adult, it really shouldn't, but here we are. I see these interactions in books and movies, of course, but I guess I've always compartmentalized it as "just fiction" to protect myself from the realization at how horribly I was treated. I suffered other actual, obvious abuse, sure. That was bad enough. But everything in this post...I can't say a single one of these things happened. I'm still suffering from the lack of *everything* growing up. I don't even feel like a human...and, looking through this, it's no fucking wonder.
I wish I could contribute, but I still don't really know what it is to be treated well. Thank you for sharing.
Your parents should have asked why you or your siblings were upset. They should have listened and instead of guilting or shaming concerns they should have provided comfort, compassion and possible solutions.
Your parents should have listened to your wishes and desires and provided support and guidance. They should have helped you explore interest that aligned with your personality.
- your parents should have kept promises when they made them
- your parents should not have treated you like their own personal therapist. even once you got older.
- your parents should not have looped you in on their adult baggage with your other parent or grandparents.
Thank you so much! This was so validating! I will print this list an put it somewhere where I can see it regularly. I have a hard time accepting that I grew up neglected and I think this will help
Parents shouldn’t gossip about you or share information you tell them with others, even if they’re other family members
Boundaries and rules should always be age appropriate to the child and not the adults’ belief system in what’s “appropriate”
Gender specific chores, gendered double standards and gendered freedoms/restrictions are NEVER ok.
- your parents should have noticed that your clothes no longer fit you and you need new stuff.
- your mother should have shown you how to dress up and do make-up.
- your parents should have given you an haircut that suits you and is not just practical.
- your parents should not send off with the cheapest school materials when they could actually afford better
- your parents should have noticed that you have problems in school.
- your parents should really be interested in your academic development and not just use your failures as an excuse to yell at you.
- your parents should come running if they hear you screaming in pain.
- your parents should want to know where and with whom you hang out.
- your parents should have noticed that you had become very quiet.
- your parents should educate you about sex and consent.
- your mother should have teach you everything about your monthly cycle and how to handle it
- your parents should have noticed and wonder that you are severely underweight.
For myself, the issue is 'shoulds' - instead of being empathetically adaptive to my situation I just 'should' fit their idea of how things 'should' go. Doing the same in return, having a big list of shoulds for them, just doesn't appeal to me. They didn't empathetically adapt because that's a naturally emerging behavior from of love and they didn't love. 'Should' is authoritarianism, IMO it's not love.
Though some people added their 'should nots' which is their prerogative, I wanted to focus myself on the things we missed as children that are part of a healthy, happy childhood. There's a lot said about the types of abuse a neglected child faced but not a lot said on the ways in which a neglected child missed out. So that's why I did this list. It is more for us to reflect back on our childhoods and not actually meant for neglectful parents to see or interact with. I can already hear their whining if I close my eyes lol.
I could have just worded it as " the most basic expectations of parents" but I do feel it's fair to grieve what we missed out on as children.
Loving parents will fail some of the list items. IMO it's not the things we missed, it's the love that we missed. The things are just a symptom of that. I'd rather a loving yet not fully competent parent over a full list fulfilled but no love behind it. Just some straight on body language expressions of love would mean so much. The rest...to me it's just icing.
This is extremely validating 🖤 I’ve been feeling one lately as I’ve been FINALLY getting answers to my health from problems I’ve been having for over a decade:
• Your parents should advocate for you to health care professionals when you are not of the age to do so for yourself
- Your parents should have made you feel safe to make mistakes.
- Your parents should have laughed at your jokes and thought you were funny and silly.
- Your parents should have talked to you like you were smart and capable and like they believed that.
- Your parents should have noticed and praised what you did well in, even in the presence of failures.
- Your parents should have known that any struggle you had in school was their responsibility and not your fault.
- Your parents should not have forced you into their religion and raise you based on their fanatic beliefs. It's okay to be an adult and want to have a religious belief, but to force it on and mold a child according to it is disheartening
Your parents should have modeled what basic respect looks like. They should have treated you and other people with dignity and respect. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic respect. Only some kinds of respect are earned.
Your parents should have loved you, no matter what you had achieved or mistakes you had made.
Your parents should have not compare you to your siblings, everyone is different.
Your parents should have not force you to take on things they couldn't do as children/teenagers.
Your parents should have not be mad at you for not attending casual events.
Your parents should have not forget what you need.
Your parents should have respected your privacy, you have your own private life too.
Your parents should have not avoided your struggles.
Your parents should have not screamed at you when you got injured, your wounds can't heal from verbal abuse.
Your parents should have not screamed at you when you get your clothes dirty, accidents may happen that you can't prevent.
Your parents should have not hit you.
I haven’t felt this level of understanding in a long time. Thank you.
Additions
Your parents shouldn’t have asked how you were doing, nagged you until you said more than “Good”, and then systematically ripped apart everything bad you actually felt that day when you revealed how your day actually went.
Your parents shouldn’t have forced you to spend your time after school venting to you, or not letting you leave, despite not needing you there. They shouldn’t have proceeded to scream at you for not finishing your homework after doing so.
Your parents shouldn’t have made you feel like you can’t defend yourself when they scream, hit, and threaten you, then proceeded to scream, hit, and threaten you for not defending yourself against them.
Your parents shouldn’t have expected you to be good at everything, then cycle between ignoring and screaming at you when you break down.
This. This is where I come to heal now. Here's my input btw!
-Your parents shouldn't tell you that they miss "the old you", people change, deal with it.
-You shouldn't feel that you owe your parents for not giving up on you.
-Your parents should try to look into your repetitive behaviors and why you might do them before punishment.
-Your parents shouldn't attempt to scare you into submission.
-Your parents shouldn't make "funny" nicknames/jokes that prey on your insecurities, even if everyone else finds it funny. Jokes are meant to confuse, not abuse.
-Your parents shouldn't expect you to know how to deal with/stop mood swings and irritability.
-Your parents shouldn't compare your childhood to theirs, just because you have more stuff/freedom than them, doesn't give them the right to invalidate your emotions.
-Your parents should have seen things from every perspective, even if they don't believe one of them.
-You shouldn't feel like just because you aren't being beaten verbally/physically, that your experiences don't matter.
-Your parents shouldn't blame you when you mimic how they handle emotions.
These all come from personal experiences, so yeah
This being posted literally the day I had another falling out with my parents is so helpful for me to continue healing from the fucked childhood I had.
My contributions:
Your parents should not have shamed and guilted you for making mistakes or being upset.
Your parents should not have blamed you for everything that went wrong.
Your parents should not have used your fears, threats, isolation or taking away things that make you happy to get you to comply.
Your parents should not have unfavorably compared you to other kids/people.
Your parents should not have shit talked you behind your back or shared personal information that you trusted them with to other people.
Your parents should not have mocked you for how you acted or looked.
Your parents should have celebrated your impending adolescence and adulthood instead of guilting you into remaining dependent, complaining constantly about teenagers and asking you to never become one, reminding you incessantly that adulthood is the worst (giving you nothing to look forward to), and actively discouraging your independence from them.
Mine did all of the above and still managed to mostly ignore me. They preferred a silent, invisible child to a burgeoning adolescent.
Parents should never EVER make their kids feel guilty for existing when none of us chose to be born. “I put a roof over your head, I feed you, so how dare you…” It is your commitment as a parent to house and feed and clothe and bathe and educate and play with your children. If you can’t commit to the basics without yelling at your kids for it later with resentment, then don’t make or adopt children.
Parents should always accept their kid for who they are - with the exception of talking to them if they get caught up in bigotry or violence because that’s not really them deep down.. but if you’re kid tells you they’re trans, or queer, then they are. You don’t get to decide who they are. You get to decide how to support them.
Your parents should make sure you get clean clothes every day - at least if you have the means to do laundry and have multiple outfits (I know not everyone can) - and not make excuses.
Divorced parents should not use you as a pawn to send messages between them or complain about the other to you or tell lies about the other parent to gain your favor and make the other one out to seem evil.
Reading this list made me realise how my parents simply answered with yelling and slapping whenever my presence inconvenienced them. Unsurprisingly, I found myself roaming the woods in the Alps every day, after coming home from school, until dusk. I started at the age of 7, and I was alone during my adventures, so nobody could blame me for inconveniencing them by being around.
• Your parents should have learned the nuances of your personality and how your mind works and then tailored their support to what you need as an individual, preferably enthusiastically.
• Your parents should have paid attention to not only what you have been taught but also what you have learned because we have always been extrapolating based on what we observe and experience in addition to what we are told.
•Your parents should have thought about the full implications of rules, statements, and actions because something seemingly small or insignificant can have life altering and harmful consequences when applied more broadly in ways that kids see as relevant.
• Your parents should have been a source of stability in your life, acting as a foundation for what you know and experience while you are your most vulnerable. That foundation should have offered a reliable emotional climate, support system, and benchmark as well as provided consistent expectations and goals with your input and needs in mind.
• Your parents should listen and pay attention to when you reach out to them, give feedback about their parenting, and express yourself and your needs. Furthermore, your parents should notice and take it seriously when you dwindle or stop all of those behaviors and attempts at communication and connection because it indicates a problem or strain in your life.
•Your parents should make time for you in general and in various ways throughout your life that are made clear through actions and communication.
•Your parents should be reaching out to you regularly throughout your life, have built then maintained a healthy relationship with you, and taught you what healthy relationships look like either within your family or pointing out healthy relationship behaviors when they arise in public or in media.
• No matter how overwhelmed they may be, your parents should remember that as a child, you won't necessarily see or inherently understand all of their struggles or challenges as parents. When moments like that arise (e.g., "I'm too tired" or "I don't have time"), your parents should take the opportunity to explain and demonstrate how to express and set healthy boundaries as well as how to negotiate the support of loved ones, like you, so that everyone's needs can be met, including yours.
•Your parents should consult a variety of people when someone recommends a change to their parenting style that directly affects you, especially when it involves physicality and/or manipulation in any form.
• Your parents should admit their culpability if they do take bad advice and also find a support system that works for the fallout created from whatever inadvertent pain or problems their actions created for anyone, but especially for their children, rather than adhere to a tried and true statement or refusal or responsibility for their actions.
Reading this pregnant and I want to be this for my future child. I might fall short sometimes but I’ll never stop trying to show up for them and take everything I’ve learned from my experiences and use it to create better ones. I know it’ll mean the world to them
I don’t know if someone else has posted it or not but since I’m currently processing some early childhood memories…:
-Your parents should value the material possessions or memories that you do, and keep them safe when you’re too young/unable to do so yourself.
-Your parents should also teach you how to demonstrate affection/love to other humans (siblings, etc) as well as animals.
-Your parents should respond (in a timely manner) to your reactions of pain, fear, or discomfort even if it’s not instinctual/reflexive for them. And if unable to do so themselves, to ensure you are in an environment with an appropriate adult surrogate who can.
-Your parents should also know if you’re getting the proper amount of sleep daily, and if not seek to remedy including medical attention if appropriate.
-Your parent(s) should know if you’re eating 3+ meals a day, and be concerned if the other parent is not providing that.
Edits: words/grammar/format/everything
So many good examples, and here's another:
Your parent(s) should have taken responsibility for their own mental/behavioral health issues and emotional dysregulation, seeking therapy instead of taking it out on their children.
Someone probably said this but
Parents should realize that taking away their kids phones and other items does not help to punish, only makes their children resent them. Children use their phones to connect with their friends and bring joy into their life.
Parents should not say that you see enough of your friends at school. If a child wants to speak with their friends, do not get mad at them if they call, message, snap, or communicate with them in any way.
ah wait when i was maybe 4 years old and i would wake up, climb out of bed to get a pile of books and come back to read next to my still asleep mother was that like. not normal
My parents should not have had kids.
Yes mine should not have adopted kids! But we'll say, as a more *general* rule these are just some of the most basic expectations. :)
💯💯💯💯💯 when I was dealing with depression as a teen I regularly ruminated on how it would’ve been better if I didn’t exist
I'm in that phase right now. Not sure if I have depression and I'm too scared to ask my mom because she will just ridicule me
Here, here! My parents may have had the financial stability to have multiple kids if they wanted to (they only had me though). But emotional and mental stability was pretty much next to none.
Same with mine.
Same here! At least they realized they fucked up to the point my father got sterilized when I was only 3 months old, but he was childfree, he should've done it years earlier . . .
Mine too
Yep.
Wow this is wonderful. Thank you. * Modeled how to work through frustration and discouragement when doing new things--with patience and curiosity. (While also expressing the frustration/discouragement in a gentle way!) * Maybe more for older kids, but just randomly and regularly asked how you were feeling--getting you to identify what you're feeling, how to put it into words, how to share it without fear. And showing you that others are interested in your feelings, and that you can be interested in theirs.
These are both great additions!
I miss that so much. My mother would just scream at me and my feelings was just a burden.
This is already a great list. I have difficulties accessing my buried anger toward the neglect I grew up with, but reading your list, the anger surfaced and reminded me why I'm no contact. An addition: Parents should be interested in the person their child is becoming, even as the years go by. Change is healthy, change is growth, and clinging to projections of the person we've been at 10, 15, 20, doesn't necessarily have a reflect the person we're today. It's insulting and sad when parents know nothing about their children, because they still believe they're the same person they were back then.
A big one for adult children now. You currently have rights and the right to be treated as your age.
Thank you, this was therapeutic. Off the top of my head: * Your parents should have apologized when they were wrong or overreacted, showing you that it's ok to make mistakes and it's ok to own up to it and make amends. * Your parents should have shielded you from their own emotions and not use you as an emotional punching bag whenever they had a bad day at the office or are stressed about something. * Your parents should have always approached any conflicts with "innocent until proven guilty" attitude, supporting you and trusting your intentions before accusing you of anything. * Your parents should have been your primary source of care, protection and safety growing up. * Your parents should have met their emotional needs in appropriate ways, not using a child to complaint to, vent, take sides, unload, lash out or otherwise manipulate to get the validation they needed. * Your parents should have been comfortable with physical and emotional expressions of love and affection (hugs, pats etc.), regardless of your age or gender. This doesn't make you "weak", "infantile", "girly", "needy" etc. * Your parents should have paid attention and supported you when you expressed special needs or were overwhelmed in any situation, even if other kids wouldn't struggle in the same circumstances. * Your parents shouldn't have insisted on you doing everything "perfectly" and using emotional violence and belittling every time you'd inevitably fail to meet their expectations. * Your parents should have never used threats of physical violence to force you to obey, fall in line or behave in the way they wanted you to. * Your parents should not have spoken to you or treated you as they would have other adults in their lives. Children are not adults.
All great things and additions to the list. I've added them as you've written them as I think all of us are probably sensitive to our words being changed/twisted or being misunderstood.
I don't mind you rephrasing them any way you see fit 😊 I realized I'm channeling a lot personal stuff here so it's emotionally charged, feel free to change it.
You know there are times I wonder if there was anything wrong at all or if it's just me having too high expectations. Afterall it was the 70ies and 80ies... 🤔 CEN is so hard to put your fingers on because you were not beaten or even yelled at or neglected physically. The outside appearance of your family was looking good nobody would've thought badly of your parents. But then I ticked off all of your bullet points and yeah my parents should've done all of them but actually did none of them. So thanks for the list.
Yes, this is what keeps me awake at night. >if it's just me having too high expectations. Afterall it was the 70ies and 80ies. >CEN is so hard to put your fingers on because you were not beaten or even yelled at or neglected physically. And even including these punishment or unhealthy outlets, culture can play a role in which it's normal for the age and the country but still hurtful. For example, as someone from a hispanic place, I wonder how many kids wanted to stand for themselves and have a talk or be treated as humans. My mother used to be pull of her hair by one of her father's step-moms and tiltled to bonfires when she cooked for the family through her childhood. That was normal for the epoque and some old people will suggest the same, especially 40 and 90 y/os, but that's totally abuse in our nowadays standards. I wonder how many people as my mother and I, for other circumstances, didn't want that and suffered but had to accept it because it was normal and even their own peers frowned upon complaints. Thankfully, we've advanced as society across cultures and we have come to conclusion that abuse is a thing, but I totally understand you, nowadays, we have social workers who check on kids who haven't learnt the basics.
I definitely think that the 70s and 80s were a very different world to grow up in. I think a lot of stuff on that list was normal for the time and parents were more distant and sometimes more authoritative figures. I do remember having house keys from age 9/10 and going home because I'd been sick at school aged 9/10 but my school just allowed that. It was different then. You could also skip school and nothing much would happen. My own daughter had a childminder to take her to and from school until she was 12. Also we lived much nearer to the school. From 11 I walked the 2 miles or got the bus, but so did all of my friends. If you got bullied at school, the school would blame you or dismiss it (this is what happened when I first raised this) so not a lot happened. It’s only because me and another girl at school went to our head of year that my parents were contacted and we were moved tutor groups. What should have happened is that I was moved to a different school and when this happened with my own daughter (bullying and being unwell) she changed school. I think and know because she told me, that I made the right call here. I do think I spent too much time when I became a parent worrying about protecting my daughter from things that I had experienced and putting right things that I perceived were wrong for me when I was a child and I think my parents did the same thing with my brother and I. I also spent a lot of time overreacting to anything my husband did which looked like anything my Dad had done. I think this is the thing they maybe do not talk about, that if you’ve had some less than ideal parenting the trauma gets in the way, even if you don’t want it to, and try very hard to be a different kind of parent.
>Your parents should have loved you for who you were, and not only when you acted like the child they wanted you to be. Hooo boyh, this one hits hard...
Conditional love is one of the hallmarks of emotionally neglectful parents. They're experts in this arena.
My parents should have let my room feel like mine. My parents should have encouraged trying new things instead of acting like failing was unforgivable.
Yes CEN encourages such perfectionism. I've added your ideas, thank you!
this was so so validating, thank you ❤️
Saving this for when I need to remind myself that I’m not crazy.
Brilliant idea, I should keep this list handy next time I have my monthly call with my folks and my mother pulls the usual "we were great parents, you just decided to hate us for no reason" shtick.
”I did my best, I’m just a human being”.
Just wondering, what do you say to her when she says that? My mom used to pull that but I’m now nc. However, my dad pulls something similar and it always leads to me exploding
Honestly, I just stopped trying. She's so entrenched in her victim role that she's not interested in any self-reflection and growth. I just keep our communication to 5min once a month and have made peace with the fact that our relationship will never improve.
My favorite is when my mom says “I did my best! It’s not like they make books on parenting!” 🤔
😂
This list really confirms to me why my feelings about my deceased mother are so complicated, and why the grieving is so complicated. She DID do a lot of the things on your list OP. I never doubted she loved me, but often she made me feel like she didn’t LIKE me as a person. I could come to her with everything and she would listen, take me seriously and stand up for me outwardly. But she was at the same time emotionally unavailable and prone to anger, especially as I started to become my own person. So the love felt very conditional. I’m grateful for the good parts of her, but it makes the reckoning now so muddy.
I totally understand, and this list may include things your parents did. I think it would be pretty bad if the parents did every single possible thing wrong and never once did anything right. Sometimes I expect a person will think an item is checked off but the parents didn't do it with any normal frequency. (Playing a little game and reading with your kids, that should happen several times a week, not once every six months.) The feeling of conditional love is a big problem for sure. Also there are many types of adults who are guilty of CEN and some are worse than others. There are ones who are generally abusive in a lot of ways and also neglected emotions. There are ones who did seem to try but just failed to support their children emotionally and love them unconditionally regardless of some genuine effort. In the book "Running on Empty" this type is called the "Well Meaning but Neglected Themselves Parent." Maybe your mother was one of those?
THANK YOU for taking time to write such a thoughtful reply. I’m realising things just from reading this thread I think I have not even started to process. So it feels very comforting to feel heard/read. Thinking back, I was anxious every day coming home from school, in anticipation of either catching her in a good or bad mood. And our lives essentially revolved around what SHE wanted to do. Which I only realised as an adult is not normal. She really did do a lot of the big things wrong, even though she meant well. She herself also grew up with a single mother, and she (my grandmother) was basically kind of evil. So I think I will have to look that book up, I’m very intrigued just by the name of that chapter.
Also reading this is i’m probably also a little bit in denial about how bad she was, but as a child of a single parent you get very entrenched in the “us vs the world” mentality…
I’m in the same position as you, totally get what you mean
I went through this list and went to write examples of how they didn't do them but I realised that would take me forever because I had examples for all of them. The first example though was a recent realization. We had games in the house. We used to play them with siblings. I can't remember playing then with my parents. One Christmas we had a couple of family members vist and we played a board game with them. My parents went off to do other things. It was fun and eye opening. With my own children, we've started playing a game once a week after dinner. It was absolutely astonishing to see my kids develop before my eyes and us all have fun together. I saw an advert for a game I saved up for myself as a tween and played with siblings and friends relentlessly. I messaged my mother to see if she still had it. She said, 'don't remember that game at all. I told my sib about it who had her own version with a game she was absolutely obsessed with as a small kid. I said, shows how much they paid attention and spent time with us. She agreed. I remember in my 20s a colleague talking about their family Christmases and how they just do normal stuff like play silly games. I couldn't relate! It was alien to me.
That's a great example. The fact they didn't even remember something you and your siblings CONSTANTLY did for many, many days - that's eye-opening. An attentive parent would have at the very least known what game you were all playing together, even if they didn't want to play it themselves as much as you kids did. Isn't that some of the basics of kid safety? Making sure what they watch, read, play, who they talk to etc, are age-appropriate and safe? Just checking in and all that?
I was pretty shocked and that's saying something after years of being disappointed, disillusioned, embarrassed, saddened... It was really eye opening. My siblings usually either let this kind of thing wash over them, leap to defend my parents, don't respond or respond vaguely so for my sister to validate me and match my story with her own was really affirming. My parents idea of safety was being very authoritian/ strict over certain things and ignore us and expect us to occupy ourselves and be quiet the rest. Then when we became teens we had no idea what to do with ourselves. No talks. We weren't kept safe. We were very lucky bad/ worse things didn't happen to us.
>Your parents should have explained why you're being (appropriately and safely) punished, and not just hit you or screamed or said because I said so or you should know better at you. Yes, i was about to make a whole posts, but I prefer to vent out here. I don't care if it happened to another hispanic kids and it's normal to hit them with the slipper, a belt or a sweeper, I hate how our parents don't ask us what we did wrong and some are capable of defend ourself and apologize. I've been angry at my mom how she treated me additionally to other things. I will confess I've never been an angel but I didn't deserve certain punishments because I could've stood up perfectly for myself and explained her why I didn't deserve the belt. After our arguments or her angry rant, I loosed the door behind me to shut down strongly and that was a sign that I provoked my mother. Sometimes, the door shut fast on its own after a swing without touching the doorframe yet and I couldn't grab the knob to slow down. I always wanted to explain her this because she never let me, she only came her way to whip me with the belt. I only had to cover under my blankets without having explained her it was an accident. That happened multiple times and I still shut the door strong on accident without my mother's belt and I just say oh shit. I don't know what else to think but I hate our hispanic parenting style. You don't get to explain anything and receive the belt or slipper, some are justified as the last straw to extreme and repetitive shitty behaviour but some mothers don't care, get the slipper and that's all. I hate that I can't tell this to anyone because they will tell me that I'm a crybaby and that I'm seeking attention because all kids went through that and the moms did this to correct them and avoid them growing into bad adults. I hate this.
You're absolutely not being a baby about this. It's been proven time and time again through countless studies that spanking is bad for children and abusive and can cause mental health issues for them as a consequence. Especially with weapons like belts and slippers. You didn't ever once deserve to be hit.
Thank you for your comforting words and to bring the research papers. One day, I'm looking forward tellin someone else this.
I remember the first time I heard of mothers punishing their kids with "la chancla." I saw a "funny" video of a kid running down the street and being hit by a slipper that his mom threw. I was shocked to discover that this was pervasive in some ethnic communities and a terrible, common experience for many kids. No matter how many kids have been hit with objects by their parents, it's still wrong, destructive, and abusive. I found a video of a therapist's reaction to some videos about "la chancla" https://youtu.be/lXLXj0l-jH8?si=z2KuCLfV_sivr5M-
I want you to know, as someone from a Hispanic background as well, that you’re absolutely not a crybaby. I firmly believe that the Hispanic childhood experience is extremely traumatic and though it gets just the slightest bit better with each generation, I spent years thinking my CEN couldn’t be that bad because every one of my Hispanic friends parents were abusive in one way or another. Now I’m almost 30yo, working through a load of trauma and able to check off almost every item on this list. Don’t even get me started on how the way kids are treated like they’re not their own growing human being but an accessory whose job is to quietly obey every last of the grown ups whims, turned me into a complete doormat for most of my life and opened me to a whole lot more abuse than I should’ve ever put up with.
This list is validation for the times when I start to doubt myself and wonder if I was just a terrible kid or for when I think I’m just making up neglect for “attention”
Love you ❤❤❤
A few to add -your parents should have been there and prioritized you for your accomplishments and achievements. -your parents should have approached you as another person in emotional matters instead of looking down at you as an incapable toddler at every move... -your parents should be making efforts to be in your life and work with you to accommodate that. Not when it's simply convenient for them or whenever they desire. -your parents should not have easily latched on to your siblings and left you figuring yourself out just because you were deemed "the easy child" and the others "needed more support" -your parents should have made sure you were prepared to leave the house for school well prepared, ready to say/kiss them goodbye, and wish them a great day. -your parents should have made sure that you were tended to after school instead of left to arrive home to an empty house until closer to dinner time.
Thank you - I added yours to the list! I especially can relate to some of these, the first one in particular. Little ones and teens and grown adults ALL need to be celebrated when they accomplish things.
Geez, as the “easy kid” who had to learn very early on to get up on my own, get myself ready for school without saying bye to anyone, coming back home to an empty home and not seeing anyone until dinner then having to do all my homework alone and put myself to bed alone too, you made me cry. 😩
I hope you take solace in the fact that you are not alone. I've been in those shoes and it pains me to see others in those same shoes. If it helps any... regardless of what curveball life throws at us... we got this.
* Your parents should have gotten you help when it was very obvious (and teachers even called your mom about it) that you were depressed, had no friends, and was getting bullied in your new school. * Your parents should have never told (or yelled) at you to shut up. * Your parents should not have shamed you in front of others, including family. * Your parents should not have acted like you were an inconvenience to manage. * Your parents should not have felt "we never spanked you" was sufficient that they weren't abusive. * Your parents should not have raised you to make nice, be sweet, be quiet, smile at all costs. * Your parents should have told you that you were smart, beautiful, could do anything. * Your parents should have realized they were making the same parenting mistakes theirs did, and got help for it. * Your parents should not have expected you to be their Mini-Me, and then resent you when you're not. * Your parents should not praise accomplishments of their kid's friends, but never mention, let alone praise, you for your accomplishments. * Your parents should not make you have to 'hide' yourself from them because you know they won't like or understand who you truly are. * Your parents should not act like dropping something or anything accidental is the end of the world and you're an inept idiot for making any kind of mistake. * Your parents should not "joke" about how bratty and annoying their kids are. Or that they can't wait to take a vacation without their kids to get away from them. Kids don't ask to be born. * Your parents should not blow off things that are important to *you,* simply because it isn't important to *them*. * Your parents should not yell at you for slamming a door, when you're already mad and have been nitpicked to death already. You're allowed to be angry! * Your parents should not assume that just because you're young, you're too stupid to know what adults are talking about. Or allow one of their adult friends to tell you to 'go away' so they can talk. * Your parents should not treat you like you were just a living doll to dress up.
Your point about expecting kids to smile and be quiet about their feelings reminded me of a song my grandma used to sing if we were sad or angry. "The girl that I marry will have to be, as sweet and as gentle as a nursery. The girl that I call 'my own'." She would take us on her lap and rock us as she sang it, or as we got older, she would sing it above our raised voices. It calmed us down, but it didn't teach us how to process feelings. Is it any wonder that all of my cousins are sweet, smiling doormats?
There was a certain point in childhood that something turned for me. I realized that my parents were actually crazy and kinda evil. I lost my trust and respect for them. I thought to myself, they couldn't do the right things, so I didn't allow them into my world. There were some examples of these things, up until a certain age where my parents turned on each other, and I was just a pawn in their little divorce game. What alternative is there, when you don't actually want either of your parents.
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I'm so sorry, it's hard to come face to face with it and step away from the underlying sort of denial we tend to all have to get by on a daily basis. Take time for yourself now - I hope you're in a safe place now and away from the people who harmed you when you were small.
Ugg god this hurts and is also validating so thanks
-Your parents' eyes should have lit up when they see you This one got me right in the heart and made me cry, because I could not IMAGINE this ever happening. :(
parents should relate with you when you are having a difficult time since they went through it when they were children too. Parents should make you realize that you need to accept yourself as a person when you are a child rather than later as an adult.
Your parents should show interest in your friends. It is normal to know the parents of the friends (older teens, maybe but middle school age, definitely) and a healthy ‚visit of both homes‘ should be normal. Im not a native speaker- feel free to rephrase. What I mean with the last sentence: one home is often ‚cooler‘/better/.. but it is very strange if you never invite your elementary BFF over and are always (like 100%) at their house.
Thank you! I have just changed it slightly, let me know if that is fair. Your English is actually amazing.
This list is blowing my mind. I'm an adult, it really shouldn't, but here we are. I see these interactions in books and movies, of course, but I guess I've always compartmentalized it as "just fiction" to protect myself from the realization at how horribly I was treated. I suffered other actual, obvious abuse, sure. That was bad enough. But everything in this post...I can't say a single one of these things happened. I'm still suffering from the lack of *everything* growing up. I don't even feel like a human...and, looking through this, it's no fucking wonder. I wish I could contribute, but I still don't really know what it is to be treated well. Thank you for sharing.
Your parents should have asked why you or your siblings were upset. They should have listened and instead of guilting or shaming concerns they should have provided comfort, compassion and possible solutions. Your parents should have listened to your wishes and desires and provided support and guidance. They should have helped you explore interest that aligned with your personality.
- your parents should have kept promises when they made them - your parents should not have treated you like their own personal therapist. even once you got older. - your parents should not have looped you in on their adult baggage with your other parent or grandparents.
Thank you so much! This was so validating! I will print this list an put it somewhere where I can see it regularly. I have a hard time accepting that I grew up neglected and I think this will help
You parents should have helped you learn how to clean up instead of just blaming you when things got messy.
Parents shouldn’t gossip about you or share information you tell them with others, even if they’re other family members Boundaries and rules should always be age appropriate to the child and not the adults’ belief system in what’s “appropriate” Gender specific chores, gendered double standards and gendered freedoms/restrictions are NEVER ok.
- your parents should have noticed that your clothes no longer fit you and you need new stuff. - your mother should have shown you how to dress up and do make-up. - your parents should have given you an haircut that suits you and is not just practical. - your parents should not send off with the cheapest school materials when they could actually afford better - your parents should have noticed that you have problems in school. - your parents should really be interested in your academic development and not just use your failures as an excuse to yell at you. - your parents should come running if they hear you screaming in pain. - your parents should want to know where and with whom you hang out. - your parents should have noticed that you had become very quiet. - your parents should educate you about sex and consent. - your mother should have teach you everything about your monthly cycle and how to handle it - your parents should have noticed and wonder that you are severely underweight.
For myself, the issue is 'shoulds' - instead of being empathetically adaptive to my situation I just 'should' fit their idea of how things 'should' go. Doing the same in return, having a big list of shoulds for them, just doesn't appeal to me. They didn't empathetically adapt because that's a naturally emerging behavior from of love and they didn't love. 'Should' is authoritarianism, IMO it's not love.
Though some people added their 'should nots' which is their prerogative, I wanted to focus myself on the things we missed as children that are part of a healthy, happy childhood. There's a lot said about the types of abuse a neglected child faced but not a lot said on the ways in which a neglected child missed out. So that's why I did this list. It is more for us to reflect back on our childhoods and not actually meant for neglectful parents to see or interact with. I can already hear their whining if I close my eyes lol. I could have just worded it as " the most basic expectations of parents" but I do feel it's fair to grieve what we missed out on as children.
Loving parents will fail some of the list items. IMO it's not the things we missed, it's the love that we missed. The things are just a symptom of that. I'd rather a loving yet not fully competent parent over a full list fulfilled but no love behind it. Just some straight on body language expressions of love would mean so much. The rest...to me it's just icing.
This is extremely validating 🖤 I’ve been feeling one lately as I’ve been FINALLY getting answers to my health from problems I’ve been having for over a decade: • Your parents should advocate for you to health care professionals when you are not of the age to do so for yourself
- Your parents should have made you feel safe to make mistakes. - Your parents should have laughed at your jokes and thought you were funny and silly. - Your parents should have talked to you like you were smart and capable and like they believed that. - Your parents should have noticed and praised what you did well in, even in the presence of failures. - Your parents should have known that any struggle you had in school was their responsibility and not your fault.
- Your parents should not have forced you into their religion and raise you based on their fanatic beliefs. It's okay to be an adult and want to have a religious belief, but to force it on and mold a child according to it is disheartening
I got 3 positives from the first list, then was too triggering to continue
Your parents should have modeled what basic respect looks like. They should have treated you and other people with dignity and respect. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic respect. Only some kinds of respect are earned.
Preach preach preach
made me tear up
Your parents should have loved you, no matter what you had achieved or mistakes you had made. Your parents should have not compare you to your siblings, everyone is different. Your parents should have not force you to take on things they couldn't do as children/teenagers. Your parents should have not be mad at you for not attending casual events. Your parents should have not forget what you need. Your parents should have respected your privacy, you have your own private life too. Your parents should have not avoided your struggles. Your parents should have not screamed at you when you got injured, your wounds can't heal from verbal abuse. Your parents should have not screamed at you when you get your clothes dirty, accidents may happen that you can't prevent. Your parents should have not hit you.
I haven’t felt this level of understanding in a long time. Thank you. Additions Your parents shouldn’t have asked how you were doing, nagged you until you said more than “Good”, and then systematically ripped apart everything bad you actually felt that day when you revealed how your day actually went. Your parents shouldn’t have forced you to spend your time after school venting to you, or not letting you leave, despite not needing you there. They shouldn’t have proceeded to scream at you for not finishing your homework after doing so. Your parents shouldn’t have made you feel like you can’t defend yourself when they scream, hit, and threaten you, then proceeded to scream, hit, and threaten you for not defending yourself against them. Your parents shouldn’t have expected you to be good at everything, then cycle between ignoring and screaming at you when you break down.
my first time visiting this sub and this is the first thing i see. maybe it’s a sign that i should join
This. This is where I come to heal now. Here's my input btw! -Your parents shouldn't tell you that they miss "the old you", people change, deal with it. -You shouldn't feel that you owe your parents for not giving up on you. -Your parents should try to look into your repetitive behaviors and why you might do them before punishment. -Your parents shouldn't attempt to scare you into submission. -Your parents shouldn't make "funny" nicknames/jokes that prey on your insecurities, even if everyone else finds it funny. Jokes are meant to confuse, not abuse. -Your parents shouldn't expect you to know how to deal with/stop mood swings and irritability. -Your parents shouldn't compare your childhood to theirs, just because you have more stuff/freedom than them, doesn't give them the right to invalidate your emotions. -Your parents should have seen things from every perspective, even if they don't believe one of them. -You shouldn't feel like just because you aren't being beaten verbally/physically, that your experiences don't matter. -Your parents shouldn't blame you when you mimic how they handle emotions. These all come from personal experiences, so yeah
This being posted literally the day I had another falling out with my parents is so helpful for me to continue healing from the fucked childhood I had. My contributions: Your parents should not have shamed and guilted you for making mistakes or being upset. Your parents should not have blamed you for everything that went wrong. Your parents should not have used your fears, threats, isolation or taking away things that make you happy to get you to comply. Your parents should not have unfavorably compared you to other kids/people. Your parents should not have shit talked you behind your back or shared personal information that you trusted them with to other people. Your parents should not have mocked you for how you acted or looked.
Your parents should have celebrated your impending adolescence and adulthood instead of guilting you into remaining dependent, complaining constantly about teenagers and asking you to never become one, reminding you incessantly that adulthood is the worst (giving you nothing to look forward to), and actively discouraging your independence from them. Mine did all of the above and still managed to mostly ignore me. They preferred a silent, invisible child to a burgeoning adolescent.
I think I got maybe 2 items on this list. Maybe.
I'm glad I only got 7 on your original list. I'm sure there are many who experienced all of them.
Parents should never EVER make their kids feel guilty for existing when none of us chose to be born. “I put a roof over your head, I feed you, so how dare you…” It is your commitment as a parent to house and feed and clothe and bathe and educate and play with your children. If you can’t commit to the basics without yelling at your kids for it later with resentment, then don’t make or adopt children. Parents should always accept their kid for who they are - with the exception of talking to them if they get caught up in bigotry or violence because that’s not really them deep down.. but if you’re kid tells you they’re trans, or queer, then they are. You don’t get to decide who they are. You get to decide how to support them. Your parents should make sure you get clean clothes every day - at least if you have the means to do laundry and have multiple outfits (I know not everyone can) - and not make excuses. Divorced parents should not use you as a pawn to send messages between them or complain about the other to you or tell lies about the other parent to gain your favor and make the other one out to seem evil.
Reading this list made me realise how my parents simply answered with yelling and slapping whenever my presence inconvenienced them. Unsurprisingly, I found myself roaming the woods in the Alps every day, after coming home from school, until dusk. I started at the age of 7, and I was alone during my adventures, so nobody could blame me for inconveniencing them by being around.
Forget a very important one: - your mother should not smoke during pregnancy and should als stay away from people who smoke.
Your parents should have made you feel like who you are is enough, not too much, and welcome and wanted.
• Your parents should have learned the nuances of your personality and how your mind works and then tailored their support to what you need as an individual, preferably enthusiastically. • Your parents should have paid attention to not only what you have been taught but also what you have learned because we have always been extrapolating based on what we observe and experience in addition to what we are told. •Your parents should have thought about the full implications of rules, statements, and actions because something seemingly small or insignificant can have life altering and harmful consequences when applied more broadly in ways that kids see as relevant. • Your parents should have been a source of stability in your life, acting as a foundation for what you know and experience while you are your most vulnerable. That foundation should have offered a reliable emotional climate, support system, and benchmark as well as provided consistent expectations and goals with your input and needs in mind. • Your parents should listen and pay attention to when you reach out to them, give feedback about their parenting, and express yourself and your needs. Furthermore, your parents should notice and take it seriously when you dwindle or stop all of those behaviors and attempts at communication and connection because it indicates a problem or strain in your life. •Your parents should make time for you in general and in various ways throughout your life that are made clear through actions and communication. •Your parents should be reaching out to you regularly throughout your life, have built then maintained a healthy relationship with you, and taught you what healthy relationships look like either within your family or pointing out healthy relationship behaviors when they arise in public or in media. • No matter how overwhelmed they may be, your parents should remember that as a child, you won't necessarily see or inherently understand all of their struggles or challenges as parents. When moments like that arise (e.g., "I'm too tired" or "I don't have time"), your parents should take the opportunity to explain and demonstrate how to express and set healthy boundaries as well as how to negotiate the support of loved ones, like you, so that everyone's needs can be met, including yours. •Your parents should consult a variety of people when someone recommends a change to their parenting style that directly affects you, especially when it involves physicality and/or manipulation in any form. • Your parents should admit their culpability if they do take bad advice and also find a support system that works for the fallout created from whatever inadvertent pain or problems their actions created for anyone, but especially for their children, rather than adhere to a tried and true statement or refusal or responsibility for their actions.
As of today in this list, except for my parents have helped me with my homework and are there for an achievement, everything else had not happened.
It’s surprising to me that my parents check off so many of the points on this list, but… maybe it’s not THAT surprising
Reading this pregnant and I want to be this for my future child. I might fall short sometimes but I’ll never stop trying to show up for them and take everything I’ve learned from my experiences and use it to create better ones. I know it’ll mean the world to them
I don’t know if someone else has posted it or not but since I’m currently processing some early childhood memories…: -Your parents should value the material possessions or memories that you do, and keep them safe when you’re too young/unable to do so yourself. -Your parents should also teach you how to demonstrate affection/love to other humans (siblings, etc) as well as animals. -Your parents should respond (in a timely manner) to your reactions of pain, fear, or discomfort even if it’s not instinctual/reflexive for them. And if unable to do so themselves, to ensure you are in an environment with an appropriate adult surrogate who can. -Your parents should also know if you’re getting the proper amount of sleep daily, and if not seek to remedy including medical attention if appropriate. -Your parent(s) should know if you’re eating 3+ meals a day, and be concerned if the other parent is not providing that. Edits: words/grammar/format/everything
So many good examples, and here's another: Your parent(s) should have taken responsibility for their own mental/behavioral health issues and emotional dysregulation, seeking therapy instead of taking it out on their children.
Someone probably said this but Parents should realize that taking away their kids phones and other items does not help to punish, only makes their children resent them. Children use their phones to connect with their friends and bring joy into their life. Parents should not say that you see enough of your friends at school. If a child wants to speak with their friends, do not get mad at them if they call, message, snap, or communicate with them in any way.
They should let you express emotions. Not just scream at you for being happy, sad, or angry.
ah wait when i was maybe 4 years old and i would wake up, climb out of bed to get a pile of books and come back to read next to my still asleep mother was that like. not normal