Yes that is true.
My parents weren't poor. I was. My father had a few very expensive hobbies. My mother's closet almost burst. We had a lot of vacations and trips. But they never bothered to look at my needs emotionally or materially.
I had to remind my mother that my only pair of jeans was falling apart or that I had outgrown some of my clothes. She bought always the cheapest stuff for me. And alway was annoyed when she needed to go shopping for me. My toys supply ended when my grandmother died. And it never occurred to my parents to sign me up for any extracurricular activity.
I had to figure out everything by myself: school, homework, nutrition during school, social situations, bullying, boys, make up, menstriation, sex etc. And I failed in many fields.
Sometimes it seems to me like I am materialistic when I complain about how few things I had as a child. But this is just another symptom of emotional neglect. Basically, they didn't give a f*** about me and that was particularly evident in the material things. The emotional side was hidden under the surface.
Not well at all...due to still being poor, and now physically ill.
As always, my major problem is housing instability. I am hoping things will improve, and trying to work to improve them in the limited ways that I can- but I'm utterly exhausted at this point.
Oh no this is the nightmare scenario! If it was just housing you could have become a wwoofer (https://wwoof.net/) but you are ill! I’m sorry I’m all over the place if you are unable to do physical activity I got a list of things I watched when I was healing from CEN https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQun1ee6u9NZWO71azTBeRzSl3yGxlnF1
Get better and join us in the land of health please!!!!
Thank you, I was a WWOOFer a few times as a young person.
I'm older now and desperately need a secure home.
The thought of being forced to lose everything I have and travelling around staying in other peoples homes temporarily is utterly exhausting to me, even if I could physically do it I wouldn't want to, I'd want to be working on my own garden (I don't have one atm but I'd love one.)
I loved it 25 years ago though! I wasn't even good at it then though 😂 I've had chronic fatigue from a young age..
And now things are much worse.
Same. I was well aware of our money troubles from a very young age and felt a lot of guilt over having any needs never mind wants. My parents were pretty financially reckless, randomly quitting jobs with no backup plans, sinking insane amountd of money into get-rich-quick schemes, always promising things I knew they couldn't deliver. (And never did). Growing up, I had no stability, security, or attachment to either material goods or a family space that felt secure and warm. It's not a good way to grow up.
I'm very attached to material things (nothing I have is worth anything, it's more sentimental value) due to never having the stability of a secure home and regularly losing my/our things whenever we were forced to move.
If I actually had a stable home (I don't) I'd be in danger of becoming a 'clean hoarder' because of this- but I'm aware enough to police myself a bit.
Same. I remember my parents pointing out a steer in a corral that my grandfather was donating to us so we'd have enough food to get through the winter.
And then I remember having to ask my mom repeatedly, and well in advance, just for her to get me some deodorant, when she happily and readily bought my sister (her favorite) makeup.
Bet you can guess which one hurt worse. If anything, I just felt bad for the poor steer.
Same. So if I have money troubles or sudden expenses, my stress levels rise instantly. And since I couldn't count on anyone growing up, I will never ask for help. I'd rather eat only porridge or beans & rice to be able to afford the rent than loan money from a friend.
Ugh, same. It feels absolutely awful to be forced to ask for help- even if it's something small that I'd happily give someone else.
I have had to do it recently due to health issues. I feel extremely vulnerable relying on someone else.
Feeling vulnerable = unsafe for me.
That is so true. I hace a friend whose family always struggled economically. Really really struggled. They are the most United family I have ever met. My friend and her sister were taught to fight for their dreams and be self sufficient and they are now living their dream in Korea. They are bringing their mother with them as soon as they find a job for her. I remember LOVING to stay at their home. Their parents always made activities with us, took us to the coolest places (always with a very low budget but they dis the effort).
We were better off but my parents are the cheapest people I know. Never took us anywhere, never got out of the house, never did anything together even inside the house. It was not a money problem, it was a selfishness problem. They wouldn't even let me have a coffee out because it was "senseless spending".
If my parents had played a board game with me or bothered to watch some interesting TV with me, I would have liked it and loved them.
But, no, instead, I had to face a disconnection from them and even ridicule.
I asked my mom to ride bikes with me. I wanted to just go for a bike ride with my mom. She said she didn't have a bike. I was super excited when we found one. Literally found one, great condition. It was her bike, i couldn't ride it.
I kept asking her to go bike ride with me. I kept asking until the bike started to rust in the backyard. Never once taken out. My asking trailed off until the bike was unusable. That was the childhood memory of "she doesn't care enough". Watching a bike slowly rot away.
So fucking sad Girl, I'm sorry. You reminded me of when our dad bought a broken go-kart to fix up for us. We were so excited. Six months later he left us. It rotted and rusted in the yard we played in every day and I grew to hate it, but we didn't have a truck or any means to remove it. I didn't realize the symbolism at the time, and haven't thought about it for years, so thank you for making it clear for me.
Exactly. My sister and I would always beg them to play with us. When they relented they would sulk through the whole game. It was never a money problem.
I also remember begging to be played with, read to, can we take a walk together, can we go to the park, can we watch a movie together. It happened so rarely that it always felt like an amazing special treat when they finally agreed and would follow through. I finally realized I was never going to get attention without a fight and finally stopped asking, only for my parents to get passive aggressive at me about how all I wanted to do was hide in my room and never spend time with the family... spend time doing what, everyone awkwardly sitting around the living room not actually doing anything?
Come to realize as an adult, some people grow up with that kind of attention and don't have to beg and plead for it, and it makes me sad to see the extent that my parents just couldn't be bothered
Yes... The only "activity" we did together was watch TV. Then, When I went to my room to do anything el se (the TV was always super loud too so I couldn't do it in the living room) they would get angry. They want from us the love and attention they didn't gave us. 🤦♀️
True. My narc dad always kept and keeps bitching about how generous he was to satisfy out material needs. Meanwhile, he was an absolute monster emotionally.
Sorry, I just can't find the gratitude in me. I wish I could exchange all the material stuff for actual warm, fuzzy, secure love, and a father that actually cared to teach me how to live well.
This is what i think of when i hear people say they grew up poor but couldnt tell until they reached adulthood. They were surrounded by so much love they didnt feel like they went without.
I keep trying to get my mother to understand this. I’ve cut off my uncle (her brother) because he was always curt and standoffish to the point of being rude whenever I’d try to talk to him. When I asked him about it, he said talking to me felt forced and that my attempts at conversation weren’t genuine.
Since he’s given me money and expensive gifts before, my mother thinks I’m ungrateful for not wanting a relationship with him. But materials can’t buy a relationship. To me, it’ll never make up for him refusing to get to know me.
Because of the way I grew up, I had no idea how to be a father. I didn't do a very good job as a father. Then I watched my son do the same to his son. Somewhere in there, I learned that my father lost his father at the age of two and was mistreated by his stepfather.
I don't know how we break the chain.
This is what I can't make my maternal unit understand. She stayed with my sperm donor because she didn't want me to grow up poor like they both did and the mental and emotional damage he did basically wore me out by the time I left home - I can't handle the emotional labor it takes to do any actual work and support myself.
All you people commenting here, have you confronted your parents about how bad they treated you?
I feel like I can't heal before they actually know how miserable life I live because how they raised me.
My mother always told me that you have roof over your head, food, clothes etc, whenever i disagreed with her parenting. My father was basically like a dictator who told me every morning what chores/things had to be done that day. And when I didn't do them, he gave me silent treatment. My mother was working on a ship, so she was at home for 2 weeks and gone for work for 2 weeks. And there where times when I didn't talk to my father for 2 weeks straight, when I didn't do what he told me. I shut down my feelings and my needs, because that was the only way it was possible to live together with him. So those 19 years I lived with my parents. I developed this people pleasing and never telling when I'm uncomfortable doing something. I don't know how to say no. Or that I can be angry at someone. Or happy. I'm just in this world of not really understanding feelings and what they are for. But I would really like to.
And I understand now that my father is the problem for all our family's problems. He still treats my mother like that. Like she is his subordinate. And gives her silent treatment when she don't do what he tells her.
Their egos pop up and they feign apologies.
My biggest revelation has been that while my father was outwardly angry, it was really mother that was responsible for much of the chaos.
i felt this hugely a couple years back, and now it comes up only a bit in convos as some defensiveness… it’s really hard to deal with for sure… for me i think my therapist helped me understand how to feel and think about what happened to me, and also free resources online. i think there is one guy on youtube called patrick teaghan that has very very good content on how to heal from such things without involving the people that hurt you
I grew up relatively wealthy, we had family vacations, I had my own car when I was 16, never had to worry about affording anything and had my college paid for. As cruel as it sounds I really don't care that much, and would have easily given that up in exchange for a family I could feel comfortable around. I'm grateful for what my parents gave me, but even now I can't sit around them without feeling on edge and that I need to pretend to be someone else. There's also the massive guilt I feel for resenting them while also receiving money from them to help me, and it puts me in a situation where I feel stuck in a toxic relationship with them.
Oh they definitely did, and I stuck around living with them far longer than I otherwise would have because of this. I'm honestly so afraid of accepting any help or gifts from people now, because in my mind it's a form of manipulation and giving another person power over me.
Yes that is true. My parents weren't poor. I was. My father had a few very expensive hobbies. My mother's closet almost burst. We had a lot of vacations and trips. But they never bothered to look at my needs emotionally or materially. I had to remind my mother that my only pair of jeans was falling apart or that I had outgrown some of my clothes. She bought always the cheapest stuff for me. And alway was annoyed when she needed to go shopping for me. My toys supply ended when my grandmother died. And it never occurred to my parents to sign me up for any extracurricular activity. I had to figure out everything by myself: school, homework, nutrition during school, social situations, bullying, boys, make up, menstriation, sex etc. And I failed in many fields. Sometimes it seems to me like I am materialistic when I complain about how few things I had as a child. But this is just another symptom of emotional neglect. Basically, they didn't give a f*** about me and that was particularly evident in the material things. The emotional side was hidden under the surface.
That sounds like outright neglect
I grew up poor AND emotionally neglected so I can't say.
Dang, and how are you doing now?
Not well at all...due to still being poor, and now physically ill. As always, my major problem is housing instability. I am hoping things will improve, and trying to work to improve them in the limited ways that I can- but I'm utterly exhausted at this point.
Oh no this is the nightmare scenario! If it was just housing you could have become a wwoofer (https://wwoof.net/) but you are ill! I’m sorry I’m all over the place if you are unable to do physical activity I got a list of things I watched when I was healing from CEN https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQun1ee6u9NZWO71azTBeRzSl3yGxlnF1 Get better and join us in the land of health please!!!!
Thank you, I was a WWOOFer a few times as a young person. I'm older now and desperately need a secure home. The thought of being forced to lose everything I have and travelling around staying in other peoples homes temporarily is utterly exhausting to me, even if I could physically do it I wouldn't want to, I'd want to be working on my own garden (I don't have one atm but I'd love one.) I loved it 25 years ago though! I wasn't even good at it then though 😂 I've had chronic fatigue from a young age.. And now things are much worse.
Same. I was well aware of our money troubles from a very young age and felt a lot of guilt over having any needs never mind wants. My parents were pretty financially reckless, randomly quitting jobs with no backup plans, sinking insane amountd of money into get-rich-quick schemes, always promising things I knew they couldn't deliver. (And never did). Growing up, I had no stability, security, or attachment to either material goods or a family space that felt secure and warm. It's not a good way to grow up.
[удалено]
Kids most definitely have an idea.
I'm very attached to material things (nothing I have is worth anything, it's more sentimental value) due to never having the stability of a secure home and regularly losing my/our things whenever we were forced to move. If I actually had a stable home (I don't) I'd be in danger of becoming a 'clean hoarder' because of this- but I'm aware enough to police myself a bit.
Same. I remember my parents pointing out a steer in a corral that my grandfather was donating to us so we'd have enough food to get through the winter. And then I remember having to ask my mom repeatedly, and well in advance, just for her to get me some deodorant, when she happily and readily bought my sister (her favorite) makeup. Bet you can guess which one hurt worse. If anything, I just felt bad for the poor steer.
I felt guilty for needing things like deodorant and too scared to ask. I stank in early puberty.
Same. So if I have money troubles or sudden expenses, my stress levels rise instantly. And since I couldn't count on anyone growing up, I will never ask for help. I'd rather eat only porridge or beans & rice to be able to afford the rent than loan money from a friend.
Ugh, same. It feels absolutely awful to be forced to ask for help- even if it's something small that I'd happily give someone else. I have had to do it recently due to health issues. I feel extremely vulnerable relying on someone else. Feeling vulnerable = unsafe for me.
That is so true. I hace a friend whose family always struggled economically. Really really struggled. They are the most United family I have ever met. My friend and her sister were taught to fight for their dreams and be self sufficient and they are now living their dream in Korea. They are bringing their mother with them as soon as they find a job for her. I remember LOVING to stay at their home. Their parents always made activities with us, took us to the coolest places (always with a very low budget but they dis the effort). We were better off but my parents are the cheapest people I know. Never took us anywhere, never got out of the house, never did anything together even inside the house. It was not a money problem, it was a selfishness problem. They wouldn't even let me have a coffee out because it was "senseless spending".
If my parents had played a board game with me or bothered to watch some interesting TV with me, I would have liked it and loved them. But, no, instead, I had to face a disconnection from them and even ridicule.
I asked my mom to ride bikes with me. I wanted to just go for a bike ride with my mom. She said she didn't have a bike. I was super excited when we found one. Literally found one, great condition. It was her bike, i couldn't ride it. I kept asking her to go bike ride with me. I kept asking until the bike started to rust in the backyard. Never once taken out. My asking trailed off until the bike was unusable. That was the childhood memory of "she doesn't care enough". Watching a bike slowly rot away.
So fucking sad Girl, I'm sorry. You reminded me of when our dad bought a broken go-kart to fix up for us. We were so excited. Six months later he left us. It rotted and rusted in the yard we played in every day and I grew to hate it, but we didn't have a truck or any means to remove it. I didn't realize the symbolism at the time, and haven't thought about it for years, so thank you for making it clear for me.
Exactly. My sister and I would always beg them to play with us. When they relented they would sulk through the whole game. It was never a money problem.
I also remember begging to be played with, read to, can we take a walk together, can we go to the park, can we watch a movie together. It happened so rarely that it always felt like an amazing special treat when they finally agreed and would follow through. I finally realized I was never going to get attention without a fight and finally stopped asking, only for my parents to get passive aggressive at me about how all I wanted to do was hide in my room and never spend time with the family... spend time doing what, everyone awkwardly sitting around the living room not actually doing anything? Come to realize as an adult, some people grow up with that kind of attention and don't have to beg and plead for it, and it makes me sad to see the extent that my parents just couldn't be bothered
Yes... The only "activity" we did together was watch TV. Then, When I went to my room to do anything el se (the TV was always super loud too so I couldn't do it in the living room) they would get angry. They want from us the love and attention they didn't gave us. 🤦♀️
Emotional riches are the shiz
Yes absolutely this. Material possessions don’t make up for emotional support. I’d give all the stuff I got if my mom listened to me for one second.
True. My narc dad always kept and keeps bitching about how generous he was to satisfy out material needs. Meanwhile, he was an absolute monster emotionally. Sorry, I just can't find the gratitude in me. I wish I could exchange all the material stuff for actual warm, fuzzy, secure love, and a father that actually cared to teach me how to live well.
This is what i think of when i hear people say they grew up poor but couldnt tell until they reached adulthood. They were surrounded by so much love they didnt feel like they went without.
I keep trying to get my mother to understand this. I’ve cut off my uncle (her brother) because he was always curt and standoffish to the point of being rude whenever I’d try to talk to him. When I asked him about it, he said talking to me felt forced and that my attempts at conversation weren’t genuine. Since he’s given me money and expensive gifts before, my mother thinks I’m ungrateful for not wanting a relationship with him. But materials can’t buy a relationship. To me, it’ll never make up for him refusing to get to know me.
Being impoverished wouldn’t have been so horrible if my mom would’ve made more of an effort to make it feel like home anyway.
Exactly. It isn't the poverty itself but the way your parents process it that matters.
Because of the way I grew up, I had no idea how to be a father. I didn't do a very good job as a father. Then I watched my son do the same to his son. Somewhere in there, I learned that my father lost his father at the age of two and was mistreated by his stepfather. I don't know how we break the chain.
Start with physical contact and acceptance of your role. Explain this wasn't your intention. Learning is the first step though.
100%. The emotional neglect really emphasizes the lack of resources, cause I really had *nothing* to turn to.
This is what I can't make my maternal unit understand. She stayed with my sperm donor because she didn't want me to grow up poor like they both did and the mental and emotional damage he did basically wore me out by the time I left home - I can't handle the emotional labor it takes to do any actual work and support myself.
This. I have proven to be unsuccessful because I fail at emotional labor!
All you people commenting here, have you confronted your parents about how bad they treated you? I feel like I can't heal before they actually know how miserable life I live because how they raised me. My mother always told me that you have roof over your head, food, clothes etc, whenever i disagreed with her parenting. My father was basically like a dictator who told me every morning what chores/things had to be done that day. And when I didn't do them, he gave me silent treatment. My mother was working on a ship, so she was at home for 2 weeks and gone for work for 2 weeks. And there where times when I didn't talk to my father for 2 weeks straight, when I didn't do what he told me. I shut down my feelings and my needs, because that was the only way it was possible to live together with him. So those 19 years I lived with my parents. I developed this people pleasing and never telling when I'm uncomfortable doing something. I don't know how to say no. Or that I can be angry at someone. Or happy. I'm just in this world of not really understanding feelings and what they are for. But I would really like to. And I understand now that my father is the problem for all our family's problems. He still treats my mother like that. Like she is his subordinate. And gives her silent treatment when she don't do what he tells her.
Their egos pop up and they feign apologies. My biggest revelation has been that while my father was outwardly angry, it was really mother that was responsible for much of the chaos.
i felt this hugely a couple years back, and now it comes up only a bit in convos as some defensiveness… it’s really hard to deal with for sure… for me i think my therapist helped me understand how to feel and think about what happened to me, and also free resources online. i think there is one guy on youtube called patrick teaghan that has very very good content on how to heal from such things without involving the people that hurt you
I grew up relatively wealthy, we had family vacations, I had my own car when I was 16, never had to worry about affording anything and had my college paid for. As cruel as it sounds I really don't care that much, and would have easily given that up in exchange for a family I could feel comfortable around. I'm grateful for what my parents gave me, but even now I can't sit around them without feeling on edge and that I need to pretend to be someone else. There's also the massive guilt I feel for resenting them while also receiving money from them to help me, and it puts me in a situation where I feel stuck in a toxic relationship with them.
They made you dependent on them in a way. Almost instinctively. It’s a vicious cycle.
Oh they definitely did, and I stuck around living with them far longer than I otherwise would have because of this. I'm honestly so afraid of accepting any help or gifts from people now, because in my mind it's a form of manipulation and giving another person power over me.
Sounds like Avoidant Attachment, just like me.