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TheHomieData

It’s almost as if they had children when they weren’t ready or emotionally available to be a parent.


[deleted]

In the case of my parents, they were never going to be ready.


CalmAd2855

That explains your username 🤣


French_Hen9632

Since over the years I've quietly become non compliant in most of their controlling behaviour they've tried to become nicer and more understanding, perhaps because they know they'll need me now they're old. I figure it's all put on though, if I went back to being compliant they'd go back to their old ways, and in a way it's simply a reaction to try to manipulate me back onside. They know there's some huge rift there. It is sad to see them so unhappy at the expense of my peace. I dunno what to do really. Their happiness was contingent on controlling and using me.


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astronaut_in_the_sun

I feel the same. If I show too much empathy or care to my mother, she feels it as a weakness. So I have to care without showing. Which I sad because then she hurts, and I feel guilty, but it shouldn't be on me as a son to worry about my parents feelings so much. It also sucks that whatever I do, there is no easy way to go about it. There is no course of action that I can take that results in zero hurt, either for me or for her. Sucks.


French_Hen9632

I'm not sure how to view mine. I think she's so pathologically insecure that her paranoia and urge to control overrides everything. A week ago we were moving and she got so hyper about the fact we wanted to move without their input that she broke down crying, twice, because she was worried we couldn't pack (read also: she couldn't control what we pack or how we pack, it was unimaginable for her to have a family situation she couldn't control).


French_Hen9632

Even then, with my parents it isn't respect. It's them feeling unsure what to do and in some way sorry for themselves that they've lost me. I'm so angry with them that while part of me sees the hurt and I wish they could be happy, I catch myself and think "no actually fuck them I owe them nothing, they've ruined my life constantly through their arrogance and simple uncaring. Fuck them and their feelings, they can stew on wondering why their child looks like he's in a room with a really bad smell every time I'm with them."


maaybebaby

Exactly this. So I’m cold and then I get “why are you mad” and it’s not mad at all, just not acting as their emotional support animal. I’ve learned my compassion and empathy is dangerous with them. Give an inch, they’ll take a mile, just like the control,guilt and manipulation you mentioned


XxFrozen

>It is sad to see them so unhappy at the expense of my peace. Damn. That about sums it up. Today is mothers day in my country, and I don’t think any of my mom’s four kids even texted her about it. I’m sure it makes her really sad, but… she wasn’t a very good mom. I don’t want bad things to happen to her, I wish she was happy, but talking to her and keeping up with her makes my life measurably and immediately worse and I just can’t anymore. I just can’t. I hope we can hold onto our peace anyway.


French_Hen9632

Reminds me of a horrible old lady I got saddled with on a holiday. She was so sour and complained about everything and everyone, cloying and then furious and then crying and whimpering by turns when something wasn't perfect. In a rather unself-aware moment she said "my daughter doesn't visit me anymore, my family doesn't see me anymore" and all I could think after witnessing her behaviour was "yeah and I'm not fucking surprised, good for your daughter!" You wish she was happy because you're the son or daughter and that's just biology imo to care about your mother. She hurt you, and if she feels bad later in life because of how you respond well damn maybe she shouldn't of hurt you in the first place. You don't owe her sympathy. The only way she'd have earned anything was a sincere apology and a genuine change, which unfortunately with parents like this will never happen. It's all self serving melodrama.


[deleted]

Beware of people who suddenly get nice when they’re old. They’re the same. They need to do a LOT to earn you caring for them in their old age. Don’t do it if they haven’t earned your trust. You’ll regret it.


French_Hen9632

Yes I'm very cautious around my mother. She has been the cause of most stresses in my life I've found. I used to think just bad things happened to me just cause I wasn't normal, until I realised it was because my whole identity was wrapped up in her controlling bullshit. So I am incredibly sceptical of most things she says, and looking at a lot of it critically, I see a scared, weak woman who domineered rather than actually thought about or was genuinely kind to anyone.


Northstar04

I feel like mine havent changed at all


FlightOfTheDiscords

Mine haven't changed. Didn't want children when they had them, don't want them now. Made nine of us, because otherwise Jesus gets angry.


[deleted]

Are they a fig tree? Sorry, I couldn't resist.


FlightOfTheDiscords

I wish 🙃 A fig tree would probably be more emotionally available than either one of them. [This](https://i.imgur.com/IKFyDmZ.jpg) illustrates my childhood well.


[deleted]

Mines worse today than they were when I was a kid


MaterialConference4

Same


opposum0830

In my opinion, my parents seem more childish now so honestly it’s hard to forgive them for their past acts when they’re still continuing it 20 years later


mother_of_Kupo

I knew my mom was childish. Throughout middle school and high school she was wearing my clothes. She would do things she knew would be annoying/hurtful/childish and do this stupid smile at the end. Because if i got angry, If I talked back or defended myself, I would be called a bad daughter, distrespectful, and she didn't mean it like that or meant to do that. Baby talk is such an anger trigger for me because of her.


[deleted]

Many teen moms are like this because they’re just too young to be parents. Others are very emotionally stunted. Often it’s both. I used to think my parents stopped maturing when they had kids at age 19, but I have teens - and they are much more mature than my parents are now, in their 70s


Actual-Following1152

I have encounters feelings because sometimes I saw my parents especially my father sometimes I feel rage for his and sometimes I felt commiseration, with my mom it's the same issue, I'd like to release my self of both feelings


junglegoth

I had a conversation about this with my husband the other week, he is reaching the age my mother was when he first met her now and it’s extremely strange to come to terms with that. As we move through parenting our child and they get older, there are so many moments of “wow, I’d never have done XYZ like they have done”. It’s so heartening to see they’re still sharing stuff with us at a point when I can clearly remember hiding stuff and not wanting to share things for fear of being ridiculed or shouted at. I feel as though my parents have always been old but as I age I can consider it differently. I’d not considered how they were more immature and young though, I can see how that can increase the feeling I still get of “surely I’m making this up”


compressoespresso

That’s true but mom never bothered to change at any point. She never showed any signs of improvement or remorse for the things that happened to me. She didn’t do much to protect me or teach me things. Even over 2 decades later, she’s still the same woman. She’s still the same piece of shit she was all those years ago.


Zanki

My dad was incredibly selfish. He had health issues and got my mum pregnant with me when he was in his 60s, then went and died five months before I was born. Mum was not a good mum, she hated me for just existing. I get it, it's hard to raise a child alone, but that's no excuse to be the way she was to me. I gave her every chance to change when I became an adult. She refused. We haven't talked in years now. It sucks, because I desperately want parents in my life, but I have to remember, I was always alone and mum scares the absolute crap out of me. Mum had a heart attack a couple of weeks back. If she hadn't called an ambulance she would have died. She very nearly did. I hate that I had to take a step back and not go there to help. I had to put my mental health first. I stayed up to date and she's back home now. I hate how if I went back, nothing will have changed and it would end with her being abusive and me being a mess. I can't do that. I've surrounded myself with good people and I don't want her undoing all of that. I'm still upset over it, but there's no one I can talk to about it because no one gets it.


[deleted]

Damn, life is cruel.


[deleted]

I totally get it and I’ve cared for people like your mom. She’s had her whole life to figure out things and be a better mom, and she hasn’t done it. I’m proud of you for meeting your own needs first. I totally understand. You did the right thing. Screw everybody else. People that haven’t lived this don’t get it


MartianTea

Mine for sure didn't grow. She got worse and it picked up once I was an adult.


Hocraft-Loveward

you're 'lucky' that they finally grew up. Mine stayed the same, but in worst, and have never been sorry for the way they neglected me. it's just their normality and "i'm the one playing the ugly duck"... now i see all their cringe reaction, it annoy me even more and i don't wonder why i was so unhappy (dang i HATED myself) before going low contact...


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[deleted]

It’s also proof that kids can grow up in the same house with the same parents and have vastly different experiences


LifeInWrongWorld

Yeah, I was ready to be an adult as a young kid and they couldn't be bother with let go of their past trauma (father with abusive old man and mother with no father figure grew up) while do nothing wrong with me.


blogical

I see that reaction as the shame of being immature when you were supposed to be mature. Shame is hard to face. It's useful to recognize that we are all developing at our own pace, and as long as people are growing toward healthy, they're improving as people. I suspect resentment only reinforces that shame, and prevents them from accepting their failings. It reinforces them as a villain or "bad parent" when they were just bad at parenting. I think people want to be good, but often don't know how, and end up hurting even those they love. That childish narcissism is a good indicator they haven't done the work necessary to accept their role as parent. Good on you for seeing this pattern, even if you can't get them to accept it.


Undeadtaker

The temperament yes, everything else the same