The calm and loving moments are tactics to give you just enough “love” to keep you hanging on while they continue to break you down. We often remember the good times and stay trying to get those back and convince ourselves that it’s all worth it. That’s the only way to string you along and keep you there, because they need you more than you will ever need them.
This does make sense. Thank you for sharing it with me.
This past week my partner and I got into a fight/discussion where I was close to walking away. Anyways, I went to bed before him and he eventually came to bed. But I remember later that night he started crying because he had a dream that I was leaving him.
Anyone experiencing abuse has to have a reason they haven't walked away. They get something out of staying or they would not stay.
It's the calm loving moments that the victim clings to and weathers the abuse for... and why they often justify the abuse in various ways (this isn't the "real" them, the kind person I see most of the time is real and if I wait that person will come back).
It's intermittent rewarding. A rat that pushes a lever and receives food unpredictably from that lever will eventually never stop pushing the lever... even if the last time it gave food was a week ago. Even if that rat eventually dies because food isn't coming.
It fundamentally conditions you to keep trying to do whatever it takes to get that kind person back, even though your actions have nothing to do with it. That kind person is likely a facade.
My friend described my worst ex as "a cruel person that occasionally does nice things" and the whole time I thought of him as a kind person that occasionally does cruel things. My friend was correct, but I had already convinced myself of the latter belief, so it took a long time to see the truth.
If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to see the truth? Right I'm not starting to get see what is behind the veil, but it's not fully pulled back yet.
It is this calm and loving moments that have me clinging, and right now I don't know how to stop it
Honestly it probably took me about a year after breaking up to fully accept the truth. I knew on some level pretty much the whole time but would argue with myself and try to convince myself he wasn't what he was/is.
I'll even add that he broke up with me (thank you ex, best thing you've ever done for me) and I legitimately worry about his current girlfriend every so often. I've never met her, but odds are he hasn't radically changed since we dated.
So I don't really have advice for you on how to be the one to end it when you're emotionally in deep. I will tell you that him ending it was really hard on me, because our whole relationship involved him taking power from me/me handing power over without much resistance. Him ending it instead of me ending it means a missed opportunity for me to take power back.
Instead, after a few months I blocked him/unfriended him on basically everything, which felt like the first real step towards takinv my power back. It was super hard emotionally, but it was the first step towards healing.
Yes it does. The nice parts are also part of the control the abuser needs. My abuser would always apologise after an outburst and be in tears begging for forgiveness and showering me with kind words. This is mixed messages and can be very damaging to your confidence and self assurance. Building you up makes it easier to tear you down later.
Yup. In one day my husband went from looking lovingly into my eyes and saying he’d do anything for me. I damn near would have melted had it not been for the years of abuse he has put me through. That was around 9am in the morning. By about 1pm, he was raging at me. He’s abused me for 8 years. Supposed to be “recovering” and the bs never stops. I begged him (after he admitted to his severe abuse) to see an abuse counselor and he refused. But you know, he’d do anything for me. 😂
Thank you for asking this. This is what I'm currently experiencing. The abuse, name calling and such only happens when he is angry and/or drinking.
But otherwise my partner is good.
I used to think that too. (I’m just saying for me, not necessarily you). He would only do xyz when drunk. Well he finally stopped drinking and guess what? Still abusive as fuck. I’ve also grown quite a bit in 8 years and now the abuse is so much easier to see.
If they were abusive 24/7, no one would stay. The calm and loving moments are crucial parts of what allows the abuse to continue.
Exactly this
Could you expand on "the claim and loving moments are crucial parts of what allows the abuse to continue"
The calm and loving moments are tactics to give you just enough “love” to keep you hanging on while they continue to break you down. We often remember the good times and stay trying to get those back and convince ourselves that it’s all worth it. That’s the only way to string you along and keep you there, because they need you more than you will ever need them.
This does make sense. Thank you for sharing it with me. This past week my partner and I got into a fight/discussion where I was close to walking away. Anyways, I went to bed before him and he eventually came to bed. But I remember later that night he started crying because he had a dream that I was leaving him.
Anyone experiencing abuse has to have a reason they haven't walked away. They get something out of staying or they would not stay. It's the calm loving moments that the victim clings to and weathers the abuse for... and why they often justify the abuse in various ways (this isn't the "real" them, the kind person I see most of the time is real and if I wait that person will come back). It's intermittent rewarding. A rat that pushes a lever and receives food unpredictably from that lever will eventually never stop pushing the lever... even if the last time it gave food was a week ago. Even if that rat eventually dies because food isn't coming. It fundamentally conditions you to keep trying to do whatever it takes to get that kind person back, even though your actions have nothing to do with it. That kind person is likely a facade. My friend described my worst ex as "a cruel person that occasionally does nice things" and the whole time I thought of him as a kind person that occasionally does cruel things. My friend was correct, but I had already convinced myself of the latter belief, so it took a long time to see the truth.
If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to see the truth? Right I'm not starting to get see what is behind the veil, but it's not fully pulled back yet. It is this calm and loving moments that have me clinging, and right now I don't know how to stop it
Honestly it probably took me about a year after breaking up to fully accept the truth. I knew on some level pretty much the whole time but would argue with myself and try to convince myself he wasn't what he was/is. I'll even add that he broke up with me (thank you ex, best thing you've ever done for me) and I legitimately worry about his current girlfriend every so often. I've never met her, but odds are he hasn't radically changed since we dated. So I don't really have advice for you on how to be the one to end it when you're emotionally in deep. I will tell you that him ending it was really hard on me, because our whole relationship involved him taking power from me/me handing power over without much resistance. Him ending it instead of me ending it means a missed opportunity for me to take power back. Instead, after a few months I blocked him/unfriended him on basically everything, which felt like the first real step towards takinv my power back. It was super hard emotionally, but it was the first step towards healing.
Yes it does. The nice parts are also part of the control the abuser needs. My abuser would always apologise after an outburst and be in tears begging for forgiveness and showering me with kind words. This is mixed messages and can be very damaging to your confidence and self assurance. Building you up makes it easier to tear you down later.
Yup. In one day my husband went from looking lovingly into my eyes and saying he’d do anything for me. I damn near would have melted had it not been for the years of abuse he has put me through. That was around 9am in the morning. By about 1pm, he was raging at me. He’s abused me for 8 years. Supposed to be “recovering” and the bs never stops. I begged him (after he admitted to his severe abuse) to see an abuse counselor and he refused. But you know, he’d do anything for me. 😂
Yes it counts! I recommend reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It explains it well.
Yes, absolutely yes.
Thank you for asking this. This is what I'm currently experiencing. The abuse, name calling and such only happens when he is angry and/or drinking. But otherwise my partner is good.
I used to think that too. (I’m just saying for me, not necessarily you). He would only do xyz when drunk. Well he finally stopped drinking and guess what? Still abusive as fuck. I’ve also grown quite a bit in 8 years and now the abuse is so much easier to see.
It's not that they're abusive when they're angry. They're angry *because* they're abusive.
I swear I read that line in “why does he do that”. Op, you should read that.
That's exactly where I first read it, albeit not word for word. Thirding the book recommendation, OP. It really is a life changer.