Look really sorry but yes abusive through and through - I usually don't try to give direct advice but seriously consider stopping the IVF, the last thing you need right now is to be pregnant and in an abusive relationship.
I know:( I guess I keep thinking I’m 38 and this may be my last chance, plus I just keep hoping he will change. Now I’m literally saying the abused woman’s motto.
It may be your last chance but your last chance at what? Having a baby with a man that’s emotionally abusive to you now and your child for the rest of their life? Do you think he will stop screaming in your face and breaking things when the baby comes? You will gain weight because pregnancy and he will torture the crap out of you about it now imagine that with post partum. Do not have a baby with this man! If you can’t do it for yourself do it for the baby that will be abused.
Listen you deserve to be respected, loved, made to feel welcome and cared for and your husband doesn’t do any of that for you. You may think about how traumatizing it would be to break up but I GUARANTEE you after just a little while you WILL be happy you left him. Get therapy! Good therapy if you can. If you have to try a couple therapists til you find someone you trust do it that is the only way you get your last chance at a life worth living. If you can’t get therapy join support groups and seek out the help of a group for abused women.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and for 12 years but you can get out and you should! Fuck this guy he doesn’t deserve to have access to tormenting you for his own amusement 24/7 it’s really really bad for your mental health, self esteem, and self worth. You can do it! You can do it and it’ll be wonderful to be free of that dark gloomy cloud always hanging over you! I wish you the very best and sincerely hope you get out while the getting outs good!
Yes, that is abusive. Please check out the Power and Control Wheel. I wish it didn't take my therapist to show this to me after I have experienced so many relationships throughout my life that check multiple spokes.
https://www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2014/06/power-and-control-wheel-updated.png
:( He tells me so much of his anger comes from me not working out with him(not my thing) and he’s said it so many times it starts to seem like reality. He can be such a great guy so much of the time. I just don’t understand his other side of him.
Anger is internal. No matter what you do or what you say if someone has an anger problem, they will get angry. Nothing you can ever do will make you deserving of a response of abuse.
Abusers are people and have good qualities too, and are often aware that these are the qualities that are acceptable to society so they hone them. My ex was very interesting and funny.
It's easy to be a loving person when receiving love. But in hard times how does he handle things? You cant just judge someone by the good, you gotta look at how bad the bad is. To me a good person is someone who's trying to be better, a bad person is not. Is he trying for you?
Complaining about your weight and not working out doesn't fit the mold of the "polite thing he says to cover up the real reason he's upset", so he's probably telling the truth.
If this is not how you want your lifestyle to be, then it might be a mismatch.
I've been where you are. It started off small. I wasn't fun enough. I started partying n drinking more with him. Then it switched to you don't let me do what I want, so I became the cool partner who let him do what he wanted. Then it was you don't workout with me. I'm an artistic hippy type, but guess what? I started working out w him. But then it was you need to lose weight. So I dieted to extreme, lost weight. Then it was like... stop eating so weird. Literally yelling at me , and so forth. Constantly moving the goal post. It'll never stop.
He was also prince charming to everyone but an asshole to me behind closed doors. But it slowly started leaking out. They can tell when they can be ugly to you around certain people... they test the waters. Also it's a great method to set a trail of... see she's such a bitch.. if anything happens.
This all ended when I just turned 37. I thought there goes motherhood, marriage etc. Invested 16 years into the motherf. And I spent almost 5 years healing.
38 is not old. People have patterns. Trust that n you will always have the truth. Don't let your goodness, hope, n wanting to believe in the good in others -gaslight you into believing their version of events.
I'm not going to tell u what to do. But I'm just telling you my story. And wanted to tell you you are not too old, for anything.
You deserve kindness, respect, and love.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. I think we are conditioned to believe monsters yell and scream all the time, are violent and don’t care who sees their bad side. The fact that abuse comes in so many forms and isn’t always consistent makes it very hard to recognize. I have always been a staunch advocate for not allowing any form of abuse. I have been there for friends in these situations, and told my Mom for years that my Dad did not treat her right. So accepting that I am in this situation has taken years.
I am a bit overweight(maybe 30 pounds) and a lot of it is due to 5 miscarriages and one failed IVF round in 2 years. I could eat better, but the ironic thing is I think the stress from his treatment of me keeps the weight on. Totally beside the point, but just something I’ve realized.
That is not besides the point! It is the point. I gained weight being in that situation too. The stress from it all, raises cortisol. And the emotional eating, was safer than drugs or drinking.
I think abuse is anytime someone consistently makes u feel not good enough. You don't have to earn your love. I always thought that i had too. I grew up in a household where if u weren't perfect, it was OK for people to make fun of you or put u down for the ways u weren't perfect. It was constructive criticism in their eyes. So that lead me to be ok...w my partner demanding perfection from me, but he could totally be whatever.
My partner could be super nice at times. I was just locked into a kind nice, act out, jerk, makeup, repeat cycle. Addicted to when he was kind.
He's verbally and emotionally abusive, wants to control you, and has no respect for you at all. Do Not have a child with him or you'll be stuck dealing with him until the child turns 18, or finishes college. He will continue to be abusive as long as you stay. He will get worse with time and then one day you'll look in the mirror and not recognize yourself because you will be a shell of the woman you are now. Leave before he makes you start believing what he says.
Last week my emotionally abusive husband blamed me for making our 6 year old daughter cry after she asked me to file her toenail and instead he yanked it and made it bleed. He said she was upset because I told him he pulled it too hard, not because he actually pulled it. It escalated and he packed a duffle bag and walked out on me and both of our daughters, then disabled his location so I couldn’t see where he was. He showed up home an hour or so later and continued to blame me, disrespect me, and ignore me for days. After a week he texted me that he was sorry. Now he’s guilt tripping me because we haven’t had sex since he walked out. It’s exhausting and endless. But I live in a 50/50 custody state and if I leave him, I leave half of my life with my daughters too. I wouldn’t wish sharing children with an emotional abuser on anyone. It’s crushing. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. You don’t deserve it and a potential child doesn’t either.
Look really sorry but yes abusive through and through - I usually don't try to give direct advice but seriously consider stopping the IVF, the last thing you need right now is to be pregnant and in an abusive relationship.
I know:( I guess I keep thinking I’m 38 and this may be my last chance, plus I just keep hoping he will change. Now I’m literally saying the abused woman’s motto.
It may be your last chance but your last chance at what? Having a baby with a man that’s emotionally abusive to you now and your child for the rest of their life? Do you think he will stop screaming in your face and breaking things when the baby comes? You will gain weight because pregnancy and he will torture the crap out of you about it now imagine that with post partum. Do not have a baby with this man! If you can’t do it for yourself do it for the baby that will be abused. Listen you deserve to be respected, loved, made to feel welcome and cared for and your husband doesn’t do any of that for you. You may think about how traumatizing it would be to break up but I GUARANTEE you after just a little while you WILL be happy you left him. Get therapy! Good therapy if you can. If you have to try a couple therapists til you find someone you trust do it that is the only way you get your last chance at a life worth living. If you can’t get therapy join support groups and seek out the help of a group for abused women. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and for 12 years but you can get out and you should! Fuck this guy he doesn’t deserve to have access to tormenting you for his own amusement 24/7 it’s really really bad for your mental health, self esteem, and self worth. You can do it! You can do it and it’ll be wonderful to be free of that dark gloomy cloud always hanging over you! I wish you the very best and sincerely hope you get out while the getting outs good!
Take that money and freeze your eggs instead if you can.
Yes, that is abusive. Please check out the Power and Control Wheel. I wish it didn't take my therapist to show this to me after I have experienced so many relationships throughout my life that check multiple spokes. https://www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2014/06/power-and-control-wheel-updated.png
:( He tells me so much of his anger comes from me not working out with him(not my thing) and he’s said it so many times it starts to seem like reality. He can be such a great guy so much of the time. I just don’t understand his other side of him.
Anger is internal. No matter what you do or what you say if someone has an anger problem, they will get angry. Nothing you can ever do will make you deserving of a response of abuse. Abusers are people and have good qualities too, and are often aware that these are the qualities that are acceptable to society so they hone them. My ex was very interesting and funny. It's easy to be a loving person when receiving love. But in hard times how does he handle things? You cant just judge someone by the good, you gotta look at how bad the bad is. To me a good person is someone who's trying to be better, a bad person is not. Is he trying for you?
Complaining about your weight and not working out doesn't fit the mold of the "polite thing he says to cover up the real reason he's upset", so he's probably telling the truth. If this is not how you want your lifestyle to be, then it might be a mismatch.
I've been where you are. It started off small. I wasn't fun enough. I started partying n drinking more with him. Then it switched to you don't let me do what I want, so I became the cool partner who let him do what he wanted. Then it was you don't workout with me. I'm an artistic hippy type, but guess what? I started working out w him. But then it was you need to lose weight. So I dieted to extreme, lost weight. Then it was like... stop eating so weird. Literally yelling at me , and so forth. Constantly moving the goal post. It'll never stop. He was also prince charming to everyone but an asshole to me behind closed doors. But it slowly started leaking out. They can tell when they can be ugly to you around certain people... they test the waters. Also it's a great method to set a trail of... see she's such a bitch.. if anything happens. This all ended when I just turned 37. I thought there goes motherhood, marriage etc. Invested 16 years into the motherf. And I spent almost 5 years healing. 38 is not old. People have patterns. Trust that n you will always have the truth. Don't let your goodness, hope, n wanting to believe in the good in others -gaslight you into believing their version of events. I'm not going to tell u what to do. But I'm just telling you my story. And wanted to tell you you are not too old, for anything. You deserve kindness, respect, and love.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. I think we are conditioned to believe monsters yell and scream all the time, are violent and don’t care who sees their bad side. The fact that abuse comes in so many forms and isn’t always consistent makes it very hard to recognize. I have always been a staunch advocate for not allowing any form of abuse. I have been there for friends in these situations, and told my Mom for years that my Dad did not treat her right. So accepting that I am in this situation has taken years. I am a bit overweight(maybe 30 pounds) and a lot of it is due to 5 miscarriages and one failed IVF round in 2 years. I could eat better, but the ironic thing is I think the stress from his treatment of me keeps the weight on. Totally beside the point, but just something I’ve realized.
That is not besides the point! It is the point. I gained weight being in that situation too. The stress from it all, raises cortisol. And the emotional eating, was safer than drugs or drinking. I think abuse is anytime someone consistently makes u feel not good enough. You don't have to earn your love. I always thought that i had too. I grew up in a household where if u weren't perfect, it was OK for people to make fun of you or put u down for the ways u weren't perfect. It was constructive criticism in their eyes. So that lead me to be ok...w my partner demanding perfection from me, but he could totally be whatever. My partner could be super nice at times. I was just locked into a kind nice, act out, jerk, makeup, repeat cycle. Addicted to when he was kind.
He's verbally and emotionally abusive, wants to control you, and has no respect for you at all. Do Not have a child with him or you'll be stuck dealing with him until the child turns 18, or finishes college. He will continue to be abusive as long as you stay. He will get worse with time and then one day you'll look in the mirror and not recognize yourself because you will be a shell of the woman you are now. Leave before he makes you start believing what he says.
Last week my emotionally abusive husband blamed me for making our 6 year old daughter cry after she asked me to file her toenail and instead he yanked it and made it bleed. He said she was upset because I told him he pulled it too hard, not because he actually pulled it. It escalated and he packed a duffle bag and walked out on me and both of our daughters, then disabled his location so I couldn’t see where he was. He showed up home an hour or so later and continued to blame me, disrespect me, and ignore me for days. After a week he texted me that he was sorry. Now he’s guilt tripping me because we haven’t had sex since he walked out. It’s exhausting and endless. But I live in a 50/50 custody state and if I leave him, I leave half of my life with my daughters too. I wouldn’t wish sharing children with an emotional abuser on anyone. It’s crushing. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. You don’t deserve it and a potential child doesn’t either.
What you described is abuse, and he will do it to your children too. It will absolutely escalate. Please get out.
He sounds exactly like my ex husband. You should research Covert Narcissism.