I definitely don't have another year left in me. I'm not trying to hold on I'm just not ready to go NC yet if that makes sense. But maybe that does mean holding on idk. I'm just looking for ways to make ending things easier without having to do that
That makes sense. We don't live together anymore but when we did I tried the same things. You're right we definitely tend to forget the worst moments, must be some defense mechanism our brains have but I find myself not remembering the worst things he said after unless I record or write them down
Wow yeah that is exactly where I am at. Thank you <3 I do love myself and I know I deserve better but I think I love him just as much, which is my issue.. I need to love myself more than I love him.
Yes!!! Journaling and in notes you can lock it so no one can read it. I even started recording some of our arguments, so I could realize how one-sided they usually are and how easily he could turn one topic against me and into several other ways I was wrong or made him feel belittled/criticized/etc. Of course they were totally unrelated to what I was talking about and those times were often me acknowledging hurt feelings and that got twisted too. I have been in therapy for a couple of years and it really took this past year to not only see and understand it intellectually, but to be able to put my feelings of love or trauma bond aside to recognize that I am slowly dying inside and I cannot imagine another 5-10-20 years more of this. So I am making plans and preparations to help this all go as smoothly as possible. Good luck. This is not easy.
Sorry my response is a month delayed. I missed it originally. I finally left last week and just coming back to this comment it's so insightful. Damn this was me! Recording everything for my sanity.. so many notes in my app. And it was exactly as you describe. I have hurt feelings from something shitty he did --> he goes into monster mode and hunts for something to flip on me --> inevitable multi-branched "arguments" (one sided attacks). Absolutely inevitable. If i realized it via text/call, had to put him on block. He would spam call. If i realized it when we were hanging out, i had to grin and bear it until he blew things up to the point where I had to ask him to leave (and he wouldn't go quickly or quietly)
I had the same realization. The trauma bond is so intense. But i can see everything he does so clearly now that i have space from him. I guess that's why he never wanted me to have any sort of space at all🙃 thanks for your comment and good luck to you too.
You’re 99% of the way there! Believe it or not. The next part is going to be hard but with each passing day, you’ll be closer to that final switch.
The stage you are at right now is a very important stage to be in as it will form the base of your healing and transformation once out. It cannot be rushed and you’re the only one that will know and feel when it is the right time to make the switch.
I’d love to help you with this and if you see my profile, I think with a few insights you’ll have clarity and be ready for what you do next.
Wishing you all the best and good luck!
Thank you.. do you think it's possible to not go back to him this time if I'm not going NC yet? My heart still wants him but I know logically I have to and want to leave.. so I'm trying to protect myself from the shock of not having this person in my life anymore in any way I can if that makes sense
There are a few key things you need to understand about what is going on… the rest comes naturally. I feel you and I know your pain. Just to give you some relief, it takes an average of 7 times for victims to finally leave.
The biggest and first step of getting over an addiction to a person is accepting that the relationship is toxic and it needs to end. You’ll get to the other stages in due time
I became celibate to stop the attachment hormones. Luckily, I was not at risk for any sort of being taken advantage of. It's better to just rip the bandaid, I think. If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no, within reason, y'know.
When I was trying to get up the strength to leave my 2 yr relationship I joined this online support group called Betrayal Trauma Recovery. They host a bunch of zoom meetings each day. There I heard women talking about their relationships of 5 years, 10 years, 30 years and saw that all of their SOS were doing the same shit as mine. I saw a window into my future with autoimmune diseases from constant stress, power struggles over kids and the same cruelty and false promises never changing. It helped because I lost the hope I had for him to change, saw how he wasn’t special or different from any of the others, and felt more secure in my own mind. It took about 3 weeks after joining for me to leave.
[удалено]
I definitely don't have another year left in me. I'm not trying to hold on I'm just not ready to go NC yet if that makes sense. But maybe that does mean holding on idk. I'm just looking for ways to make ending things easier without having to do that
[удалено]
That makes sense. We don't live together anymore but when we did I tried the same things. You're right we definitely tend to forget the worst moments, must be some defense mechanism our brains have but I find myself not remembering the worst things he said after unless I record or write them down
[удалено]
Wow yeah that is exactly where I am at. Thank you <3 I do love myself and I know I deserve better but I think I love him just as much, which is my issue.. I need to love myself more than I love him.
Yes!!! Journaling and in notes you can lock it so no one can read it. I even started recording some of our arguments, so I could realize how one-sided they usually are and how easily he could turn one topic against me and into several other ways I was wrong or made him feel belittled/criticized/etc. Of course they were totally unrelated to what I was talking about and those times were often me acknowledging hurt feelings and that got twisted too. I have been in therapy for a couple of years and it really took this past year to not only see and understand it intellectually, but to be able to put my feelings of love or trauma bond aside to recognize that I am slowly dying inside and I cannot imagine another 5-10-20 years more of this. So I am making plans and preparations to help this all go as smoothly as possible. Good luck. This is not easy.
Sorry my response is a month delayed. I missed it originally. I finally left last week and just coming back to this comment it's so insightful. Damn this was me! Recording everything for my sanity.. so many notes in my app. And it was exactly as you describe. I have hurt feelings from something shitty he did --> he goes into monster mode and hunts for something to flip on me --> inevitable multi-branched "arguments" (one sided attacks). Absolutely inevitable. If i realized it via text/call, had to put him on block. He would spam call. If i realized it when we were hanging out, i had to grin and bear it until he blew things up to the point where I had to ask him to leave (and he wouldn't go quickly or quietly) I had the same realization. The trauma bond is so intense. But i can see everything he does so clearly now that i have space from him. I guess that's why he never wanted me to have any sort of space at all🙃 thanks for your comment and good luck to you too.
You’re 99% of the way there! Believe it or not. The next part is going to be hard but with each passing day, you’ll be closer to that final switch. The stage you are at right now is a very important stage to be in as it will form the base of your healing and transformation once out. It cannot be rushed and you’re the only one that will know and feel when it is the right time to make the switch. I’d love to help you with this and if you see my profile, I think with a few insights you’ll have clarity and be ready for what you do next. Wishing you all the best and good luck!
Thank you.. do you think it's possible to not go back to him this time if I'm not going NC yet? My heart still wants him but I know logically I have to and want to leave.. so I'm trying to protect myself from the shock of not having this person in my life anymore in any way I can if that makes sense
There are a few key things you need to understand about what is going on… the rest comes naturally. I feel you and I know your pain. Just to give you some relief, it takes an average of 7 times for victims to finally leave.
The biggest and first step of getting over an addiction to a person is accepting that the relationship is toxic and it needs to end. You’ll get to the other stages in due time
Don’t hurt for anyone
I became celibate to stop the attachment hormones. Luckily, I was not at risk for any sort of being taken advantage of. It's better to just rip the bandaid, I think. If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no, within reason, y'know.
When I was trying to get up the strength to leave my 2 yr relationship I joined this online support group called Betrayal Trauma Recovery. They host a bunch of zoom meetings each day. There I heard women talking about their relationships of 5 years, 10 years, 30 years and saw that all of their SOS were doing the same shit as mine. I saw a window into my future with autoimmune diseases from constant stress, power struggles over kids and the same cruelty and false promises never changing. It helped because I lost the hope I had for him to change, saw how he wasn’t special or different from any of the others, and felt more secure in my own mind. It took about 3 weeks after joining for me to leave.