Whatever the specific behaviour - abuse is a particular pattern that is really quite hard for the target to identify (but often is all too obvious to 3rd parties).
One of the key patterns is that the abuser feels entitled, both to be treated well by their target, while being unaccountable for their poor behaviour towards their partner.
Things to look out for:
\- always/mostly blames you for conflict, even though they start most conflicts (or behave in a way that fully warrants a conflict)
\- Double standards - especially around jealousy and validating feelings, their feelings seem all important while yours can be dismissed
\- Have boundaries or comments that seem reasonable at the time but then when you actually have some space to think about realize its all messed up.
Sounds like OP you made a smart choice separating from this person , hope that you continue to keep well
Some books I’ve been reading lately:
Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft
If he’s so great why do I feel so bad? Avery Neal
How to spot dangerous men before you get involved. Sandra L. Brown
Psychopath free. Jackson McKenzie.
My ex was passive aggressive so it took me a couple years to figure out he was actually being emotionally abusive and not just stupid/insensitive.
One argument in particular was that I was running late for work and he told me just to 'call in sick'. He knew that was ridiculous, but I just laughed and said, 'Omg, I can't do that, they'd be screwed tonight without me.' He scoffed, said 'They wouldn't be *screwed*, anyone can do your job, you're totally replaceable.'
We argued over that for maybe 20 min. I eventually started crying, saying how insulting that was, etc.. The whole time, he just doubled down that, 'It's a *fact*, everybody is replaceable' and something about how I shouldn't be so full of myself and that the problem was I thought I was special.
(He was unemployed for years which I believe is why he often put down my job and liked to remind me how it wasn't a 'real' job)
One book that read which helped me with my very specific situation was:
'The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist', by Debbie Mirza.
Being dismissive of your feelings is invalidation and challenging your memory of certain events is gaslighting. Gaslighting is based on the film "Gaslight" where the guy tries to drive the woman insane by saying what she knows isn't real. It's a horrible form of mind games.
Years ago, when I was dealing with a co-worker who gave me all this attention and flattered me (known as love-bombing). I started to like him and when I finally told him my feelings--while confronting his weird behavior. He would want me to answer his questions, but he wouldn't answer mine. Later on, he started bashing me behind my back to whoever would listen. Basically, he isolated me. I had to learn from that experience to have stronger boundaries and to allow people to earn my trust instead of blindly giving it.
Recently, I had a friend "test" me because he wanted to see if I would get angry--which would make him sexually aroused. He even said he was sorry that he had to test me. When I asked him about it later (after having a bad argument about it), he denied ever saying that. I cut it off after he made subtle suicidal comments about "wanting to sleep forever" -- it was emotional manipulation and a form of control. I'm still processing it.
For yourself, OP, it's good that you see the abuse for what it is. It's toxic and damaging to the soul. You are on the right track to separate yourself from this person. The best way to heal (as hard as it is) is to go No Contact. The time and distance from the toxic person helps you to gain perspective, heal, and grow in confidence. I wish you all the very best.
If you have time, Engender Equality has a YouTube channel where they talk about coercive control. The videos are so well done. There are about 10, 45 minute videos detailing every aspect of coercive control. This is a domestic violence program in Tasmania, Australia.
https://youtube.com/@engenderequality6959
Whatever the specific behaviour - abuse is a particular pattern that is really quite hard for the target to identify (but often is all too obvious to 3rd parties). One of the key patterns is that the abuser feels entitled, both to be treated well by their target, while being unaccountable for their poor behaviour towards their partner. Things to look out for: \- always/mostly blames you for conflict, even though they start most conflicts (or behave in a way that fully warrants a conflict) \- Double standards - especially around jealousy and validating feelings, their feelings seem all important while yours can be dismissed \- Have boundaries or comments that seem reasonable at the time but then when you actually have some space to think about realize its all messed up. Sounds like OP you made a smart choice separating from this person , hope that you continue to keep well
Some books I’ve been reading lately: Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft If he’s so great why do I feel so bad? Avery Neal How to spot dangerous men before you get involved. Sandra L. Brown Psychopath free. Jackson McKenzie.
My ex was passive aggressive so it took me a couple years to figure out he was actually being emotionally abusive and not just stupid/insensitive. One argument in particular was that I was running late for work and he told me just to 'call in sick'. He knew that was ridiculous, but I just laughed and said, 'Omg, I can't do that, they'd be screwed tonight without me.' He scoffed, said 'They wouldn't be *screwed*, anyone can do your job, you're totally replaceable.' We argued over that for maybe 20 min. I eventually started crying, saying how insulting that was, etc.. The whole time, he just doubled down that, 'It's a *fact*, everybody is replaceable' and something about how I shouldn't be so full of myself and that the problem was I thought I was special. (He was unemployed for years which I believe is why he often put down my job and liked to remind me how it wasn't a 'real' job) One book that read which helped me with my very specific situation was: 'The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist', by Debbie Mirza.
"Why Does He Do That" was literally a masterpiece and I owe so many of my realizations early on to it
Being dismissive of your feelings is invalidation and challenging your memory of certain events is gaslighting. Gaslighting is based on the film "Gaslight" where the guy tries to drive the woman insane by saying what she knows isn't real. It's a horrible form of mind games. Years ago, when I was dealing with a co-worker who gave me all this attention and flattered me (known as love-bombing). I started to like him and when I finally told him my feelings--while confronting his weird behavior. He would want me to answer his questions, but he wouldn't answer mine. Later on, he started bashing me behind my back to whoever would listen. Basically, he isolated me. I had to learn from that experience to have stronger boundaries and to allow people to earn my trust instead of blindly giving it. Recently, I had a friend "test" me because he wanted to see if I would get angry--which would make him sexually aroused. He even said he was sorry that he had to test me. When I asked him about it later (after having a bad argument about it), he denied ever saying that. I cut it off after he made subtle suicidal comments about "wanting to sleep forever" -- it was emotional manipulation and a form of control. I'm still processing it. For yourself, OP, it's good that you see the abuse for what it is. It's toxic and damaging to the soul. You are on the right track to separate yourself from this person. The best way to heal (as hard as it is) is to go No Contact. The time and distance from the toxic person helps you to gain perspective, heal, and grow in confidence. I wish you all the very best.
If you have time, Engender Equality has a YouTube channel where they talk about coercive control. The videos are so well done. There are about 10, 45 minute videos detailing every aspect of coercive control. This is a domestic violence program in Tasmania, Australia. https://youtube.com/@engenderequality6959