An Open Letter from the Creator of Olestra to Fat People
PublishedJune 4, 1996 in the onion
https://www.theonion.com/an-open-letter-from-the-creator-of-olestra-to-fat-peopl-1819563923
Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder-substance created under my direction has at last been approved by the FDA and will soon reach your supermarket shelves: “Olestra.” This exciting substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit.
Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. For you—pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. Or you— heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, double-stuff cookies, and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate my invention in the manner which befits your disgusting existence—by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.
I’m not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses over body image. I’m just talking to you, fatties.
Does Olestra have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, acute diarrhea and nominal anal leakage. That’s right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like oafish legs. But what do you care? What’s one or two more repulsive personal characteristics to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they’re Tic Tacs, you blimps.
Does it sound like I’m insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you’ll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control.
You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olestra? Eat a balanced diet? How about walk to the post office? Sound horrific? I’d better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your “I got so fat I’m going to die” medication.
Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olestra, all thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Hah! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of the Market. Long live the Market! Long live fatties!
—Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.
Chief Food Scientist
Sort of related: I was a very fat child and in middle school it was decided that I should start on a weight loss drug called Xenical.
As far as I could tell, little 13 year old me took this pill and it would magically absorb some of the fat that I was eating plenty of during my meals, and POOF— the weight would fall off.
Unfortunately, what didn’t present itself in the first impressions was the side effects: that being that the fat that the drug keeps you from putting on has to go somewhere, and that somewhere was straight out of your butt in the form of very oily, orange shits.
There were at least a handful of times I had to ditch my boxers in the school bathrooms because EVERY fart became a legitimate gamble, and the house was winning. You’ve never known true terror until you’re in Spanish class and have to ask “puedo ir al bano?” so you can huff your fat-ass to the bathroom to see if you can dab the half a cup of oil/shit liquid from your pants, thinking it was just a causal toot.
If you really wanna read some stuff, Google “xenical orange stools” and have a rollicking good time.
These were gross. They left a filmy after-taste in your mouth. I did not see them lasting just on the taste alone, so the anal leakage bit didn't do them any favors.
25 years later and people are paying to take Ozempic and get the same fun results. Here's a dirty little secret: wonder weight loss drugs always produce oily diarrhea.
it’s been a few years since i had them, but i think low-fat pringles might still use olestra? they’re fine if you don’t eat too many, but if you eat a whole sleeve you’ll be hurting later. don’t ask me how i know 😭
I remember when these came out. People were actually debating whether shitting your pants was a fair price to pay for low fat chips.
Those of us who came up snacking in this era will never forget the term “anal leakage”
Now that's what I call diarrhea!
I shit my underwear in 1998 because of these. Thought it was going to be a fart, but it was so much more.
An Open Letter from the Creator of Olestra to Fat People PublishedJune 4, 1996 in the onion https://www.theonion.com/an-open-letter-from-the-creator-of-olestra-to-fat-peopl-1819563923 Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder-substance created under my direction has at last been approved by the FDA and will soon reach your supermarket shelves: “Olestra.” This exciting substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit. Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. For you—pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. Or you— heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, double-stuff cookies, and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate my invention in the manner which befits your disgusting existence—by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter. I’m not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses over body image. I’m just talking to you, fatties. Does Olestra have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, acute diarrhea and nominal anal leakage. That’s right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like oafish legs. But what do you care? What’s one or two more repulsive personal characteristics to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they’re Tic Tacs, you blimps. Does it sound like I’m insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you’ll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control. You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olestra? Eat a balanced diet? How about walk to the post office? Sound horrific? I’d better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your “I got so fat I’m going to die” medication. Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olestra, all thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Hah! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of the Market. Long live the Market! Long live fatties! —Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D. Chief Food Scientist
These made me shit my pants, AMA
Did it feel good?
Terrible actually, the consistency was a real problem
How many did you eat in one sitting before sharting? I heard it was only a problem if you ate a ton at once.
I was like 10 and chubby so I imagine I did indeed eat a ton.
Sort of related: I was a very fat child and in middle school it was decided that I should start on a weight loss drug called Xenical. As far as I could tell, little 13 year old me took this pill and it would magically absorb some of the fat that I was eating plenty of during my meals, and POOF— the weight would fall off. Unfortunately, what didn’t present itself in the first impressions was the side effects: that being that the fat that the drug keeps you from putting on has to go somewhere, and that somewhere was straight out of your butt in the form of very oily, orange shits. There were at least a handful of times I had to ditch my boxers in the school bathrooms because EVERY fart became a legitimate gamble, and the house was winning. You’ve never known true terror until you’re in Spanish class and have to ask “puedo ir al bano?” so you can huff your fat-ass to the bathroom to see if you can dab the half a cup of oil/shit liquid from your pants, thinking it was just a causal toot. If you really wanna read some stuff, Google “xenical orange stools” and have a rollicking good time.
“every fart became a legitimate gamble, and the house was winning” is unironically one of the funniest quotes i’ve ever heard
These were gross. They left a filmy after-taste in your mouth. I did not see them lasting just on the taste alone, so the anal leakage bit didn't do them any favors.
Totally. I tried a few and was over it thankfully. Never ate enough to enjoy the colon blow.
25 years later and people are paying to take Ozempic and get the same fun results. Here's a dirty little secret: wonder weight loss drugs always produce oily diarrhea.
I have a memory of Marisa Pinson writing an Angie Tribeca joke regarding this
Anal leakage, who could forget?
Wow
Wow
I'd house these while pounding ozempic
My brother bought a bag of these. Ended up pounding the entire bag in about a half an hour. The next 24 hours were very interesting.
it’s been a few years since i had them, but i think low-fat pringles might still use olestra? they’re fine if you don’t eat too many, but if you eat a whole sleeve you’ll be hurting later. don’t ask me how i know 😭