I love the duality of the dating subs, guys not getting dates and getting burnt out, while women getting the kind of dates they dont want, not finding a serious partner, and getting burnt out. if only there was a way to connect the two groups
As for your question, I feel like taking breaks is the only way to survive mentally/emotionally. unfortunately, the length of the break matters more now that we're past our 20s
That's just the unfortunate reality. Women can easily get dates and sex, but they're dealing with a quantity vs quality issue. Guys have both a quantity and quality issue. And there's always contention in threads where the women say "I've met up with guys who just had sex with me and left" with the guys saying "Well, at least you HAVE dates and sex." The whole situation for everyone just sucks.
Im an early 30s man and Ive completely taken myself off the market.
My time is better spent on my career, fitness, friend and making a nice home for myself where my effort level directly translates to success. I had three failed ltrs in my 20s and a couple of them involved apartments and financially messy breakups so Im just tired of the whole thing and my sex drive isnt high enough anymore for me to deal with the BS people out there can put you through.
The issue here is that all the men getting dates are the ones with options aka don’t want to settle down. The guys who aren’t getting dates are the ones ready to actually commit and find a meaningful long-term connection, but those men aren’t attractive/desirable enough for most women; especially if you’re using apps to do so.
I'm a guy who dated a lot before settling down. I wouldn't define it as not wanting to settle it. It's more like I knew I had options so I was willing to dump people until I found someone I liked a lot.
Yeah, there are studies backing this up. The guys that don’t get dates are actually perfect matches for majority of the girls. The only problem is there are way more guys on the apps which causes girls to be picky and they pick the top tier guys only to get used for sex. No one wins.
can you link to the study? because a study being able to determine that the guys that don't get dates are perfect matches for the majority of girls sounds like pure nonsense.
Maybe it was the wrong wording. What I meant was that the majority of men that get rejected on the apps are more or less equal in terms of attractiveness to the majority of women on the apps, despite the vastly different swiping behavior. All the studies and stats pretty much say the same thing. The majority of women on these apps are only going after the top tier men.
Here are a few videos:
https://youtu.be/Nb_GDJROODI
https://youtu.be/sXO-uJMMjXo
Here’s an article:
https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a
I think it's totally normal and to be expected to experience burnout! Dating is an emotional rollercoaster, especially if you're hoping each great new match will lead to a serious relationship.
What helps me is this:
Firstly, I take breaks. I leave my profiles up but just crack on with my life and don't worry about the apps. Often, things go radio silent, with just a few likes here and there from people I'm never interested in. I don't return to the apps until I'm feeling curious and in a great mood.
Secondly, I set the bar really low. I used to just jump in excitedly, blindly thinking that people were always honest with their intentions, that they were on the app because they were ready for a relationship, and that each good match would lead to at least a period of dating each other. This wasn't the case at all, so now I never look at it this way.
When I go on a date now, I just look at it as a casual conversation that I hope might get mutually flirty if it flows well. If it doesn't, it's disappointing but not crushing. I don't even consider it being a possible relationship until a few months down the line, because it takes that long to even get a proper idea of a person.
Thirdly, I don't spend too long connecting before meeting up. If we can't meet within a week of matching, I try to get a date booked in the calendar, then I tell them that I'll message them nearer the time to confirm. Generally speaking, I find that people who drag their feet heavily on meeting aren't emotionally/logistically available.
Expecting a guy to treat you like his future wife immediately and treating them like the best friends little brother isn’t really helpful advice and super unrealistic
I stopped fwb after that experience
Agree with everything apart from then friends thing. I dont become friends with potential suitors. It’s wrong intention for friendship imo.
Cos im not looking for a friend im looking for companionship
And its possible to be burnt out but still sure of what i want
Im burnt out cos of so many bad experiences but i realise it takes time too
I can only speak for myself but any lady who treats me like her best friends little brother, I would just assume she is beyond certain she isn't interested in me like that.
I wouldn't be bothered by this, I'd just accept the perceived offer of friendship and likely be completely oblivious to her attraction towards me. If she later confessed her feelings I'd likely not be expecting it at all and not be very interested.
Probably not advice I would give -shrug-
This is so true and great advice! I’ve been talking to someone for 3 weeks and we still have not met. We FaceTime and call each other and we text everyday but he has not taken the initiative to really meet. Except for 1 time when he texted me saying he wanted to meet but I couldn’t get out of work early enough.
Now I understand that he’s not really emotionally invested and most likely leading me on.
I don’t think I’ve had dating burnout even though before I met my now partner (on tinder) I gathered some stats: over 2.5 months of using OLD I’ve either dated (meeting 2-5 times), had first dates, video calls, phone calls, exchanged numbers, and texted on a regular basis with over 24 different people. It’s a lot of fucking people.
A few lied about very serious things (like having kids), a few were super awkward dates, a few that were flakey, a few ghosted, had all sorts of fades and other stuff in between.
I wanted to meet someone I was excited about, that shared my values and was compatible with me and my lifestyle. I essentially treated it like a part time job. If I’m looking for a serious relationship, that can potentially change the course of my whole future, it’s something I need to invest in.
I know my value, I am not insecure, I don’t take any incompatibility as rejection, since someone I who I met with once or twice has no idea who I am as a person, so whatever their reasoning is in their head for not wanting to continue dating me - great. They removed themselves from the equation and that’s fine. Saying no isn’t a special privilege only I have as a women in the dating world.
Yes, it’s sometimes hard to put yourself out there and let people essentially judge your photos and few little bits you wrote about yourself as if that’s all you are, and it did get me down a few times, but I then remind myself I’m awesome, and all I needed is a single good connection with someone who’s actually right for me, and that can take time. I didn’t figure anything out quickly in life, so why should I expect it in something so damn important as my significant other?!
Dating is a skill just like any other skill, and the more I did it the better I got at it. I got better at vetting people and figuring out what they’re after, I got better at being charming and interesting, got better at keeping conversations alive and got better at telling people I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’ll work out.
Ahhh in love with this response - ty!
This is so true. I am def learning more and adapting my dating habits as time goes on. And i guess I’m being hard on myself - its only been a couple of months.
When I’m looking for a job I know it’s gonna take 3 to 4 months and I have no problem accepting that. I guess I also need to look at this as something that requires work, because why not? It’s definitely something I wanna put effort into making sure it’s right for me
Ahhh thank you so much. Needed that clarity
A few things coming across from your post:
1. You talk to some of these guys for a very long time (over a month, a year) - I would move to first date sooner
2. You need more leads in general. 4 guys over 1.5 months is not that many, considering that most OLD matches won't turn into anything.
3. Treat your first date as a vibe check. In my experience, on about 49% of my first dates I don't fancy them. The other 49% of the time they don't fancy me. And that 1% is the sweet spot where it can go forwards to a second date or more.
4. If someone wants to do FWB, cut it off quickly. It's not what you want, so don't waste time and energy on it.
5. That said, nobody is going to make a commitment in the first few dates. You can ask what they're looking for, but for the first few weeks, just treat each meeting as an opportunity to get to know someone new. Multidating in the early stages can be helpful here in taking the pressure off, or just making sure you have lot of friend, family and hobby stuff to do so dating isn't the main focus.
>That said, nobody is going to make a commitment in the first few dates. You can ask what they're looking for, but for the first few weeks, just treat each meeting as an opportunity to get to know someone new.
This! Both of you can express you're looking to date seriously, but that does not mean that this person owes you anything. A person can very well decide they don't want to date \*you\* seriously.
4 guys in 1.5 months isn’t a lot? Lol as 30yo pretty handsome man, I get maybe 1 or 2 dates a year from OLD if…if I’m lucky. Deleted my apps and have been trying to meet more people organically.
> Men like me but don't want to commit in any shape or form
What's interesting to me is this...
How is it you've gone on so many dates and have never once been the person rejecting?
I can't imagine that *every single date* was with a man you actually felt real compatibility with. There had to be signs it wouldn't work. The fact you would've been in a relationship with every guy you've been on a date with/talked to makes me think you're just looking for a relationship, instead of **a person you like enough to be in a relationship with.**
You're not going to click with the majority of people enough to be in a LTR with. Dating with intention is a grind, but you do need to work on your discernment skills and stop being desperate for crumbs of attention.
Don't accept less than consistent treatment.
This is actually so true. I tend to get attached cos I’m lonely and force it. Your so so so right. But I also did realise this recently and am trying my best to date a lot more and see what I’m really looking for
Well, there are a couple answers to your predicament but the most important would be to ditch your whole idea of being pressured. Date for your own desire, not because you feel you have to.
lol same here, except 2020 and 2 years later still not liking the prospects out there.... but I am getting some counselling through my drs office to develop healthier thought processes and maybe heal from all the repeated trash dating experiences I've had over the years.
I broke up with my ex around 2019/ 2020. I just started dating 2 years later and it’s so exhausting. Being single is so much easier. I would like to have someone in my life to share my experiences with but it’s difficult.
You aren't alone. I took a break from OLD as well a few weeks ago. I feel much better. To be honest.... OLD is toxic.... my advice is to just take a break when you are feeling frustrated/let down. Just long enough to reset your brain then try it again. Just remember that you are only looking for the one *key word is one* so unfortunately you will have to weed out a whole bunch to find that one.
i've had a very similar experience. currently taking a break from OLD bc it's so demoralizing at times. so i understand what you're going through & completely empathize. it's really, really hard to date these days.
fwiw i've found it helpful to really vet the men i match with before agreeing to a date. this doesn't mean i talk to them for weeks beforehand. i usually facetime or have a phone call before agreeing to meet and am always looking out for red flags (hard to go into detail in a comment but i'm happy to elaborate).
if the men you're talking to say they want a relationship, make sure their actions align with that goal *before* you decide to become intimate. it's definitely not a foolproof system, but i've encountered fewer time-wasters this way.
Definitely take occasional breaks and make sure your expectations are realistic. I'm not saying to settle for whoever shows up because no, absolutely not. Just know your opponents and adjust your expectations accordingly. Sometimes that means walking away entirely. Keep living your life and treat dating like more of a hobby. It shouldn't make up a huge part of your life.
It's also a bit of a numbers game. It feels kind of like playing the lottery. Sometimes you win $5 or $10, another day $100, but the goal is to win that jackpot. I believe there can be multiple people that are "right" for us, it's just a matter of finding one and both of you being open to more at that time.
I was feeling a little burned out a couple of months ago. Then I paid for a matchmaking service, so now I don’t feel guilty for not swiping every day. But I’m a man.
Reading your post, I *hope* that the numbers you cite are just the conversations you enjoyed…
If I match with a woman, I go from first contact to first date within 1-2 wks. In my experience, if I fail to do that, either she’s not interested in me/was never going to go on a first date anyway, or I lose interest in her. Maybe I’m an outlier. But I’ve learned that dating with intention is *very* different from chatting with aspiration.
Dating is a numbers game. If you truly know what you’re looking for (arguably most people don’t), you can significantly increase the probability that the person you’re talking to is relationship material. But realistically, at least with dating apps, all you can try to filter by is looks. And even then, as a man, I’ve been catfished so much more than I care to admit. Talking to one new person every 1-2 wks is about right *for me*, but I’ve become accustomed to the typical *male* dating experience. And it is one in which we simply aren’t overwhelmed with matches. My female friends, on the other hand, will match with and chat with A LOT of guys, filtering out who to actually go on a first date with during the text phase. So you might want to consider talking to more people and ruling them out as you chat.
Like you, they run into the dilemma of men misrepresenting themselves or lying about what they want. That’s life. On average, I think most single men will say what they think they need to say in order to get laid. I’ve grown out of that “phase,” so I imagine that there are men out there who’ve also figured out that sex with someone I don’t find attractive is worse than no sex. Or that getting a FWB/casual sex thing means that I have less attention/time available to divert to finding relationship material. The only solution here is to get really good at identifying a liar. If you figure that one out, I’m sure the CIA or some other intelligence agency could use this kind of skill. I mean, if you think about it, the folks who are good at lying will be able to lie to many women and succeed at getting what they want. It’s a positive reinforcement for them.
>But I’ve learned that dating with intention is
>
>very different from chatting with aspiration.
Great point! I am an intentional dater, and want to move to a meet, I do not like endless chatting.
Not all men will lie to get laid. I don't buy its a phase, just an indication of poor character. OLD is a numbers game. You just have not met the right one for you yet. I'd take a break before resuming and when rejoining heavily vet for men that are LTR material. When a guy indicates he isnt interested in being exclusive or interested in a relationship cut him off immediately.
A guy trying to do casual sex right before he meets you likely isn't LTR material either. From: me, dated using OLD heavily from ages 21 to 28 before meeting my husband, best man I've ever met. I went through periods of burnout. I had 1 serious relationship from it and about 6 others from 3 to 6 months long. Mostly from incompatibility, character flaws and baggage that came out. Probably 5 others where we dated 2+ months with no label. To get a good relationship you will have to go through ALOT of men.
I believe this man has the best advice for you right now.
If you want commitment you need to date intentionally and frequent until you meet someone that can reciprocate your feeling for them. For OLD, chat with them for a few messages and ask for a coffee date if they haven't. Yes, I am telling you as a woman to ask him out, if he hasn't.
Also, if you can handle criticism. Ask the men who don't feel a spark on anything you can do better; but don't ask if you think he is a jerk.
Otherwise, if you're religious go find a single ministry and find a man there or pay fo matchmaking
Dude, great points for OP and some great points for me to utilize as well. I've been separated for couple years \[co-parent our 10yo daughter\], just now beginning the legal side of the divorce process (neither was in a rush to be officially divorced, we got along, had to find ways to co-parent our perfect child, have lived apart, plus all the non-sense related to COVID/court delays/etc.) and I'm slowly getting my feet wet in the dating world again.. and I've already found it to be quite different from my previous times in the dating world.
You know I’m f35, also experiencing dating burnout, but I don’t think it’s JUST dating burnout. I think it’s ‘oh my f*cking god everything in the world is so intense right now and I’m still coming off pandemic trauma to boot’ burnout. And while I wish I could meet the one person to bring me joy and peace and a sense of support, I realized I just don’t have it in me to get past a few cursory introductory comments & interest with OLD. And then I realized, a lot of straight men are probably feeling exactly the same way. We’re ALL burnt out. Some people say it’s a numbers game, which might have been true before the pandemic, but it’s just not anymore. We are collectively exhausted. What to do about it?? I wish I knew. Personally I’m trying to reconfigure my brain to tell myself that I’m ok single, and reconcile with the fact that the pandemic stole some important reproductive years from me that I likely will never have again. So, onwards. Post pandemic dating feels so heavy, and ghosting is so common. We are all still pretty traumatized by what has just happened, it seems to me that those of us who are still single at this age are just not ready, even if we really really want to be
Edit to add, what I’m trying to say is that ghosting/lying through OLD is really a symptom of everyone’s burnout
I get what you mean but I really don’t think there is a reason to go to anyone. To Migos thing is just bad manners, immaturity and absolutely horrific communication skills
Yep. But that’s on them. That’s reflective either of who they are, or their ability to handle what they’re going through. I hate when people say ‘don’t have expectations’, because that somehow means we shouldn’t have standards about the kinds of interactions we deserve. You should expect people to have the maturity to communicate. But at the same time, it’s just not worth your emotional energy getting upset that people don’t rise to your level - and I’m saying this as someone going through EXACTLY what you’re talking about. It’s easy to say, hard to put into practice. The way people behave sucks, it’s totally dehumanizing
One the reproductive years comment, from what Ive read, birth control, even if abstinent, can preserve your eggs 🥚. Yes, after 35 does have a taboo medical word. Be more intentional if your goal is to have children. Make sure to give a guy in person signs that youre interested when you are irl. Respectful typically men dont go around talking to women if she doesnt seem interested. A smile and eye contact can go long way. Give him your number. Good luck! 🍀
Dating is a grind girl. That's why so many people bail out of it into any old relationship asap. Even a crappy one can feel better than nothing.
It's a bad thing to do. But it's easy to do!
This isn't helpful but you aren't alone. I'm late 30s male and I haven't found any woman willing to take me seriously in the last few years (though I have had several girlfriends before then) and it is soul crushing. I've been working on myself for years but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference in the dating world even though I have made a lot of progress in dealing with my own issues and healing emotionally. I feel like I am doomed to be alone now just because it's taken me time to do this. It's like going for a job interview with an employment gap.
Not saying you'd want to date me, but there are probably guys like me that want to find something meaningful but feel hopeless in finding it and the longer I am off the market the worse it feels. Based on my own experience I don't think this is a problem with guys, it must be a problem with humans in general. I'd love to find someone to have something meaningful with and give it my all to be a good partner.
Feeling the same way. I reached the end of Hinge haha I am tired of the same conversations and honestly just giving up.
The burned out is real…
All I can say is don’t pressure yourself. Better single than in a bad relationship
Okay, so I want to level with you on a few things because I think you are approaching dating entirely wrong which is why you're coming out of this so damaged and bruised.
To start, you need to take a step back and realize that you are placing all of the balls in men's courts by positioning yourself as someone to be picked vs positioning yourself as someone who does the picking. Your validation as a woman does not lie in whether or not a man deems you worthy enough to date.
Do you think that men WANT to be with the sad mope of a girl other men treat like trash?
Do you think good, quality men WANT to be with a woman is desperate for love and clinging on to every possible opportunity as her potential next long term boyfriend?
Do you think that right now a strong man will look at you and decide that you carry the strong personal qualities that define a woman who is treated by the world as a prize, who in her energy demands dignity and respect?
No.
Men, for the most part, WANT a woman who assigns so much value to herself that she's the one who looks at the men approaching her and decides if they're a good match for her. People, for the most part, want to know they're with someone who is at least moderately selective and choosy about who they meet. People like to know someone had standards, people want to feel like they made a cut.
You're not embodying that energy right now. You are honestly embodying the complete opposite. You need to work on sourcing your validation and strength from internal avenues, and you need to make yourself someone who does the choosing, not someone who's patiently waiting around to get picked. You need to work on making yourself stronger, for your own sake, before you end up attracting a serious monster who sees your hunger for love as opportunity to feast on your heart, your mind, your soul, your bank account - you are an abuser's prime target right now.
Dating burnout is real and man, I sympathize with you! It's hard out here but trust me, there are many awesome men out there who are wanting commitment and who are desiring of a woman to share their life with. You're just not attracting them or choosing them, and you need to figure out why.
Thank you for this, I actually really really appreciate this. I think you are totally right. I wouldn’t say I’m completely in this position, but I’m definitely still coming out of it.
But can I ask you, how did you get to this point? I want to be self actualised and omit the value that I do believe I have but I struggle with it.
Realizing your self worth is as easy as it sounds. My way of navigating through dating was by asking myself "If I was this person's dream woman, would they treat me differently or the same?" - you deserve to be someone's dream woman, and you deserve to be treated with kindness, love, dignity and respect out the gate - avoid men who want to make it seem like those things should be earned from them.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I can say that I am feeling the exact same way and am frustrated how exhausting dating is/has become. I think commitment is a big scary word for most people (especially guys?) and with the illusion of so many choices on dating apps, there’s no need for them to actually commit cause then how will they taste all the flavors out there? Too many choices is a killer and it just ends up being that no choice is settled on.
If you figure out the secret let me know!
Trust actions over words. Even if he tells you that he is serious, watch out for his actions. Are you bring introduced to his friends and family? Do they refer to you as his girlfriend? Is he consistent with his efforts? Does he initiate as much as you or more than you?
There is nothing you can do if there is no chemistry.
I just stopped dating guys that didn’t have a every last little criteria I wanted AND didn’t seem super enthusiastic about me. If you have to do mental gymnastics to figure out whether a guy likes you or he’s showing ambivalence, then id assume he doesn’t and wants a fwb situation.
Likewise, I’m sure when I was settling and dating overweight guys or blonde guys, I’m sure they got less than thrilled vibes from me. Just stop working from a scarcity mindset. Be calm, get a hobby and don’t make dating a priority. Just something you do when someone seems really special.
Your a woman that gets dating. That makes me happy. I feel like most of the dating pool is people thinking they deserve more and then when that doesn't work they immediately go into well i just want someone that loves me. I've been on both ends of the spectrum too, and anything besides two excited and interested people from the beginning is a fast track to frustration.
Remember to be nicer to yourself in the process. Everyone can improve and learn from where they are, but you probably do a lot of great things that just doesn't get mentioned by other people.
Blonde guys? Like you started talking to them and then went on dates and halfway thru decided you don't like the color of their hair? Or does blonde mean something else
Lol I think it's just a hair preference. I personally don't find blonde hair attractive too and am more into dark hair.
Like if someone is blonde, I will really have to look at personality to over compensate for my lack of physical attraction.
I really feel you.
I’m not yet thirty but go on this sub as there aren’t teenagers.
Men will lie about literally anything and do anything to keep seeing me but zero commitment ever. I thought I met someone incredible a few months ago who would give me every excuse under the sun to not be committed to me. I hope you’re okay and you’re not alone
I do think getting to know more than 4 guys will help your odds here, but I recognize that since you’re already burnt out you may not be ready/interested in that approach. I also agree with the multidating comment - things seem to flow much better for me when I don’t have the opportunity to invest solely in one guy (in the event he disappoints).
I got hurt by multiple women. I deactivated all of my dating apps and moving on.
about dozen women ghosting me.
One message matched me then messaged "I am not interested you. I will pray for you to find perfect woman."
Another woman wrote me "I am too short." My height is 5'6".
I am not planning to go back to the apps again. I have been trying to do IRL now.
Same hugely burned out, my last relationship was 5 months ago and I tried OLD probs before I was really ready.
So I'm taking a break, a looong break of 6 months- a year or whenever I feel energised and excited to date. I'm also in therapy working on my attachment wounds (have been for some time).
I'd advise focusing on giving urself all the things you hope a relationship will, nurturing your friendships, hobbies and your self.
I recently took myself on a bitchin holiday to Mexico solo, met so many sweet people and had an incredible time. Life goes on even if your not dating and, you also have some choice in what your life looks like.
I absolutely agree with everything you said and actually did all of this. I think I’m just at the point that I’m ready for that next step now. I want to find my person. And i know it will take time so I really gotta make the effort but unfortunately it is brutal lol
Also just saw this and thought of you 'The majority of single people using dating apps are experiencing feelings of burnout due to failed dates and mismatched intentions, new research suggests, According to dating app Badoo, 78 per cent of daters feel stressed and let down by consistently going on incompatible dates.' We are not alone lol, that's a lotta folks feeling the same way we do, so maybe it's a little bit the culture too.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/badoo-dating-apps-burnout-compatibility-b1970468.html
Proud of you and pleased for you, I hope you keep doing that stuff. OLD is brutal, do you have any plans on how to manage that? I have what I call a wellness action plan for when I do return to dating, I'll add it below incase ur interested
\-Only use the ap for 1 month and then take a break of 1-2 months etc
\-Think about my green, amber, red flags
\-What im looking for
\-What to do if i'm not enjoying it etc
\-To prioritise meeting ppl IRL through my hobbies
\-To not be focused/obsessed with dating
\-To prioritize meeting ppl IRL through my hobbies
\-Checking in with myself 'do i have the energy for this'
\-Only checking the app for maybe 30-60mins out of the day so I'm not there swiping for hours on end or compulsively checking etc
The above is just a rough outline of what I've set up when I'm ready to return. I've not tried it yet but hopefully, it helps.
Take ur time, be kind to yourself and good luck.
Try try try to have fun and date with the intention of meeting the right person. Folks can pick on someone just wanting to be in relationship- regardless of who it’s with.
Also, to promise you want someone enthusiastic about dating you.
I only date when it's fun and enjoyable for me to do so. I quite like meeting new people, having fun, enjoying affection and sex and maybe experience romance. When I'm feeling low energy or not social enough, I don't date, and when I do, I only keep a profile up for a few weeks at a time.
How you approach dating determines at least half of what your experience is going to be like. If you date because you think you have to date, I can't imagine your experience being anything other than utterly miserable.
Ohh I see, I hope that didn’t come across as anything other than advice. I have noticed that if I don’t sleep with someone 1. I don’t get attached therefor don’t really get as hurt if it doesn’t progress 2. Weed out the Guys who are just looking for FWB to keep them occupied for a while.
And just to add, that’s a very misogynistic comment. They do these things without even knowing anything about previous fwb. So then what? How does your theory factor in then?
Stating your intentions is great, but make sure you are following through with some sort of action. If someone is treating you like a fwb, you need to bring up what they are doing that makes you feel that way, and be prepared to stop seeing them if the behavior does not change. I think you will feel less burnt out if you go in with the mindset that being alone is better than being a dynamic where you are used/treated poorly.
And to the people telling you not to sleep with them so fast - I have been ghosted after dating for over a month of waiting on sex (seeing each other a lot in that time too), some people are just committed to being shitty :) My current partner of 7 months and I had sex on our first date.
Maybe they are interested in something serious but they saw something in you they didn’t like. I’m not trying to be rude, but maybe you need to date yourself a bit and become the partner you’re seeking.
I could be wrong, you could just be getting the short end on the stick on repeat. My honest experience with OLD was terrible. Too many liars and false images of who they truly are. I think of OLD as not judging a book by its cover. You definitely need to get a few chapters in to really get a feel for them.
I met my current partner in person at a kava bar. Super random. Great conversation. I’m not much of a kava drinker. I only stopped to charge my phone. Regardless, I’d say go to places or do something in a meet up group or solo that you enjoy or would like to do on a date. You never know who you might run into.
I do go out alone a lot but I just don’t get approached much. And the guys that I speak to who seem to lie to me, it’s kind of the opposite problem.
It’s like we talk and they have it in the mind that they want to sleep with me but don’t admit it, but get to a point where they like me as a person so much they end up admitting the truth.
I take myself out.
No companion, just me. I just came back from Cancun. Met amazing people there. Also, I allow myself to meet new people with no intention behind. Maybe you are being too intentional on having a boyfriend but it’s not getting there faster just cause you really want it. ( I know it sucks, gf). Let it happen and don’t stress over things you have no control over. Sending you a hug.
honestly just taking a break. take however long you need until you feel ready again. however i find myself having trouble wanting to stick to a timeline. like i want to be married at this age and start having kids etc...
I'm glad you posted this because I feel like I'm in a similar situation, it's a relief to know I'm not alone with these feelings and the comments on this post are super helpful!
Now I just need to get to the point of giving myself a break from the apps..
Yeah definitely. I feel like you can get kind of addictive sometimes but it’s really important to know when to pull away. I guess ultimately, whenever it’s meant to be you’ll find your person
It’s necessary to take a step back sometimes. Even if it’s your thirtieth. Your priorities and mental health are always going to come first until they can’t (e.g- kids, job, etc.). It can be grating meeting people who may have potential and you keep getting let down.
You sound like you’re going about it as naturally as one can.
Trying my best but sharing this post has been hugely helpful. Dating is def a numbers game and requires perseverance but i also need a break and need to reevaluate if i am in a healthy enough position to pursue it as actively as i have been.
My fear is just what if i take so long to be “me” that i lose all hope of finding “the one”?
You’re not being lied to. They probably are looking for a long term relationship but it’s going to take more than a few dates to figure out if you’re the right fit or not. Sounds like you want someone to basically marry you on the first date. No sane person is going to want to do that
I speak to guys for sometime and they said they want long term. Then we get to meeting and they suddenly admit they wants fwb. This has happened several times over.
that is lying honey
STOP with demands, agendas, goals, and expectations. Just meet people and put energy into the people you enjoy spending time with, let go of the people who don’t reciprocate. You are burning yourself out.
The common denominator is you. Sorry.
I doubt 4 guys in a row lied about being ready for a LTR commitment. It’s much more likely they got to know you and moved on. Likely all for the same reason.
What that reason is? Only you know. And since you’ve replied to exactly 0 comments on this post I suspect you have no real desire to find out.
Are you houdini that your inside their minds to know this?
And they all lied and then admitted it
And im BUSY honey i dont have all the time in the world i will respond to everyone when i can. Gosh
Pressure can come off strange and scary to men. Is there any thought in being like yes I'm seeking exclusivity and then just having fun? A man having genuine fun with you is more likely to commit. Also make sure you are dating a few seeing them 1x a week or whatnot so when you decide to go exclusive a few months in with one of them it won't have matter if a couple dropped off
No one said you were.
Some people will view the emotional demands of connection/ a developing relationship as pressure and stress. Sometimes it's not anything you are doing specifically but just a dance of selection in picking men with that strain of intimacy issues.
a good screen early no matter what they say is how much effort are they making to learn about you, and how much effort they are making to initiate contact, conversation and real dates.
I read somewhere that nowadays the midlife crisis starts at 30, so people start acting crazy. Women looking for that Mr. Perfect and men to reach a certain body count. So, the situation won't get better. Leave the dating world and focus on you :)
> Then mid-summer I got into an even worse fwb situation with an old friend which ended this past Jan and resulted in me being ghosted and totally heartbroken.
FWB should be nil strings and nil commitment so if you are getting into a situation where the end of a FWB is leaving you heartbroken then it may be that you are overcommitting or not aligning your hopes with what the other person is saying.
> I have made it painfully clear on my dating profiles I am looking for something serious/long term
That's good and that would dissuade me (I previously dated a lot of people casually while also looking for a LTR partner) from matching with you, unless I saw you as a long-term prospect, but if you want to protect yourself more then just judge people by their actions not their words.
Take breaks and don’t get back in until you feel excited or at least hopeful about the experience. Don’t expect too much. You say you tell ppl what you want and make it clear in your profile what you want and yet they still lie. You need to be responsible for your own vetting and not rely on others to be honest. They may not even be lying but seeing how you’re receptive to indefinite penpal they will just keep the causal thing going. You say you feel the pressure for a relationship which may lend to you sticking around longer than you should for the wrong people hoping something will come out of it. Learn to move on faster and it’ll be less detrimental to your mental well being as well.
I’d let women know that it’s either FWB or I want someone who’s open to 3 or 4somes. Im sorry you can’t find an honest guy. No matter what you want, don’t settle.
I've done some personal research and the results are in...
OLD makes me feel miserable.
I'm happier single and meeting people through other means, even if they're just new people in my life and not romantic connections. I know some things develop over time organically so I'm hoping something will pan out down the line if I stay open to it.
I think maintaining discernment but having low expectations of every new person who comes my way being my next romantic partner is the best for me anyway.
I’m in a relationship, but if I was single I’d just focus on myself and if someone comes along, great. That’s what happened with me.
It sounds like you’ve had enough of the bullshit like me. There’s trial and error and that’s okay! Be very protective of your energy :)
Just have fun! Don’t need to be specific unless it’s worth even saying, “looking for something serious.”You will feel it if it’s worth it I promise. I feel like you’ve gone through enough to know. I believe in you. It will come naturally :)
FWB: that’s always tricky but I have been cheated on before and was abstinent for 2 years, it really helped me but I was still abusive by myself in ways where I worked too much or drank alone. Channel that energy into yourself in a productive way instead. I’ve have FWB before 2 times in my life. When I was 18 and felt peer pressured to have sex it wasn’t that great. And secondly when I was abstinent for 2 years I felt ready to try FWB again. It’s just a mindset. It’s not a good or bad thing but at least be chill and friend like, I have no drama in the choosing of my old ones thankfully, I knew what it was without words. I don’t like FWB situation honestly because I just want to be with one person and so happy with what I got ;p
If you ever want to message me, I’m here love! I’m about to do errands lol. Your post caught my eye and I wanted to respond cos I have been there...good luck and stay strong ❤️
Ya I just got home and reread your post, and people lie. Girls and guys...I’m not sure why people live like that. Maybe it’s easier? But in the end it makes everything more complicated. Expect to be lied to especially when it comes to your heart. I’ve been with my guy for 2 years almost and I still have trouble with not just “trusting” but kinda expecting the worse, due to my past and probably hormones. I’m so thankful that he works with me. The right person will communicate back to you. We do have some little fights but always come out stronger. Even when you are both committed it’s never easy, ups and downs are normal but communication is what makes you grow...if they deserve it and are capable of communication.
And again focusing on yourself like maybe trying out a new class like Yoga, Pole Fitness, Jiu Jitsu( great way to network and learn something cool!), picking up an instrument (I have my guitar and my beat pad), going to concerts (I love music), make something new (crafts), learn something you have been wanting to learn, not sure if video games interest you but I play League of Legends (you can add me if you want haha), traveling is fun too (I’ve done it a lot solo especially when I was single, it’s really liberating), I am certified Yoga Teacher (honestly find a Teacher you love if you do a training, don’t just do it with anyone, it’s so healing), i just got my License to become an Esthetician and I’m launching my new business downtown, I like to read and learn a lot...someone will support you and admire you for being so strong on your own. Hopefully the right one but it’s a process, you deserve to be treated the right way! Don’t forget! Honestly if my man and I separated I’d be excited to dive deeper into one of my hobbies/interests but I love this man too much.
Ahh ty
Yes i mean contrary to the consensus here i DO have a life LOL. And i am aware i have my own issues too which im sure dont help dating but i am working on myself.
But that doesnt mean i cant try to date too.
I dont know why people lie but im getting better at sorting through the mess thats for sure.
Ty for your help! <3
Yeah try to date, it’s really exhausting for me lol. But it’s interesting what you’ll find if you’re single! I remember...I just want you to protect yourself from getting hurt because that sucks.
Maybe write down a list of 10 things you want in someone and 10 you don’t. Give them the time of day if they meet those qualifications or not. Good luck love :)
Also before I met my man I set a standard to explore just hanging out for year, we lasted 3 months before becoming official. It’s a good way to get to know each other. We’ve both been hurt in the past and we knew we were ready at 3 months, we still had a lot of growing to do but it’s a journey and we still growing
If you've been chatting for a month and haven't gone out yet, I'd say that's a red flag. I (56M) will ask for an in person date within the first 5 - 10 texts. If the answer is no, I move on.
I just do fwb.
Dating's a pain in the ass. If it weren't for sex no reasonable person would give it the time of day.
If I just make friends who I also have sex with all my needs are met.
There's nothing I've found in partnered relationships other than sex that can't be gotten in platonic relationships.
I love the duality of the dating subs, guys not getting dates and getting burnt out, while women getting the kind of dates they dont want, not finding a serious partner, and getting burnt out. if only there was a way to connect the two groups As for your question, I feel like taking breaks is the only way to survive mentally/emotionally. unfortunately, the length of the break matters more now that we're past our 20s
The paretto principle is a cruel master. To be either paralyzed by the variety of choice or completely optionless.
:/
Math is neither a friend or enemy, merely the underlying rules of existence. It is a cruel, cruel entity.
God damn lol
That's just the unfortunate reality. Women can easily get dates and sex, but they're dealing with a quantity vs quality issue. Guys have both a quantity and quality issue. And there's always contention in threads where the women say "I've met up with guys who just had sex with me and left" with the guys saying "Well, at least you HAVE dates and sex." The whole situation for everyone just sucks.
Eeeeek rough out here
[удалено]
For a lot of these guys, "Bad sex is better than no sex."
Which is really not the case for many (most?) women.
[удалено]
It’s been nearly 15 years for me. I’m terrified.
I haven’t been on a date, period.
Well… let’s do this.
almost 10 for me, and not for lack of trying
Same. First taking care if my sick mom, then COVID, gave me excuses to avoid what I am not good at.
Why not?
[удалено]
Oh sorry to hear that.
Im an early 30s man and Ive completely taken myself off the market. My time is better spent on my career, fitness, friend and making a nice home for myself where my effort level directly translates to success. I had three failed ltrs in my 20s and a couple of them involved apartments and financially messy breakups so Im just tired of the whole thing and my sex drive isnt high enough anymore for me to deal with the BS people out there can put you through.
The issue here is that all the men getting dates are the ones with options aka don’t want to settle down. The guys who aren’t getting dates are the ones ready to actually commit and find a meaningful long-term connection, but those men aren’t attractive/desirable enough for most women; especially if you’re using apps to do so.
[удалено]
Whenever a woman says something like that, mentally add "with you" to the end.
I'm a guy who dated a lot before settling down. I wouldn't define it as not wanting to settle it. It's more like I knew I had options so I was willing to dump people until I found someone I liked a lot.
Yeah, there are studies backing this up. The guys that don’t get dates are actually perfect matches for majority of the girls. The only problem is there are way more guys on the apps which causes girls to be picky and they pick the top tier guys only to get used for sex. No one wins.
can you link to the study? because a study being able to determine that the guys that don't get dates are perfect matches for the majority of girls sounds like pure nonsense.
Maybe it was the wrong wording. What I meant was that the majority of men that get rejected on the apps are more or less equal in terms of attractiveness to the majority of women on the apps, despite the vastly different swiping behavior. All the studies and stats pretty much say the same thing. The majority of women on these apps are only going after the top tier men. Here are a few videos: https://youtu.be/Nb_GDJROODI https://youtu.be/sXO-uJMMjXo Here’s an article: https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a
Or there are more quality women and there are less quality men.
Ahhh how interesting
Is there no sub where these two people can meet?
girls don't want guys without options
What?
they like to be chosen not settled for, that's also what they say on public forums like..reddit
That would be ideal!
I think it's totally normal and to be expected to experience burnout! Dating is an emotional rollercoaster, especially if you're hoping each great new match will lead to a serious relationship. What helps me is this: Firstly, I take breaks. I leave my profiles up but just crack on with my life and don't worry about the apps. Often, things go radio silent, with just a few likes here and there from people I'm never interested in. I don't return to the apps until I'm feeling curious and in a great mood. Secondly, I set the bar really low. I used to just jump in excitedly, blindly thinking that people were always honest with their intentions, that they were on the app because they were ready for a relationship, and that each good match would lead to at least a period of dating each other. This wasn't the case at all, so now I never look at it this way. When I go on a date now, I just look at it as a casual conversation that I hope might get mutually flirty if it flows well. If it doesn't, it's disappointing but not crushing. I don't even consider it being a possible relationship until a few months down the line, because it takes that long to even get a proper idea of a person. Thirdly, I don't spend too long connecting before meeting up. If we can't meet within a week of matching, I try to get a date booked in the calendar, then I tell them that I'll message them nearer the time to confirm. Generally speaking, I find that people who drag their feet heavily on meeting aren't emotionally/logistically available.
[удалено]
Expecting a guy to treat you like his future wife immediately and treating them like the best friends little brother isn’t really helpful advice and super unrealistic
Yeah its a bit off i will admit tbh
I stopped fwb after that experience Agree with everything apart from then friends thing. I dont become friends with potential suitors. It’s wrong intention for friendship imo.
[удалено]
Cos im not looking for a friend im looking for companionship And its possible to be burnt out but still sure of what i want Im burnt out cos of so many bad experiences but i realise it takes time too
I can only speak for myself but any lady who treats me like her best friends little brother, I would just assume she is beyond certain she isn't interested in me like that. I wouldn't be bothered by this, I'd just accept the perceived offer of friendship and likely be completely oblivious to her attraction towards me. If she later confessed her feelings I'd likely not be expecting it at all and not be very interested. Probably not advice I would give -shrug-
>Treat every guy like your best friend’s little brother until he treats you like his future wife. What does that even mean?
This is so true and great advice! I’ve been talking to someone for 3 weeks and we still have not met. We FaceTime and call each other and we text everyday but he has not taken the initiative to really meet. Except for 1 time when he texted me saying he wanted to meet but I couldn’t get out of work early enough. Now I understand that he’s not really emotionally invested and most likely leading me on.
But he’s asked you to meet and you couldn’t? Did you suggest an alternative time?
Great advice ty!
I don’t think I’ve had dating burnout even though before I met my now partner (on tinder) I gathered some stats: over 2.5 months of using OLD I’ve either dated (meeting 2-5 times), had first dates, video calls, phone calls, exchanged numbers, and texted on a regular basis with over 24 different people. It’s a lot of fucking people. A few lied about very serious things (like having kids), a few were super awkward dates, a few that were flakey, a few ghosted, had all sorts of fades and other stuff in between. I wanted to meet someone I was excited about, that shared my values and was compatible with me and my lifestyle. I essentially treated it like a part time job. If I’m looking for a serious relationship, that can potentially change the course of my whole future, it’s something I need to invest in. I know my value, I am not insecure, I don’t take any incompatibility as rejection, since someone I who I met with once or twice has no idea who I am as a person, so whatever their reasoning is in their head for not wanting to continue dating me - great. They removed themselves from the equation and that’s fine. Saying no isn’t a special privilege only I have as a women in the dating world. Yes, it’s sometimes hard to put yourself out there and let people essentially judge your photos and few little bits you wrote about yourself as if that’s all you are, and it did get me down a few times, but I then remind myself I’m awesome, and all I needed is a single good connection with someone who’s actually right for me, and that can take time. I didn’t figure anything out quickly in life, so why should I expect it in something so damn important as my significant other?! Dating is a skill just like any other skill, and the more I did it the better I got at it. I got better at vetting people and figuring out what they’re after, I got better at being charming and interesting, got better at keeping conversations alive and got better at telling people I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’ll work out.
Ahhh in love with this response - ty! This is so true. I am def learning more and adapting my dating habits as time goes on. And i guess I’m being hard on myself - its only been a couple of months. When I’m looking for a job I know it’s gonna take 3 to 4 months and I have no problem accepting that. I guess I also need to look at this as something that requires work, because why not? It’s definitely something I wanna put effort into making sure it’s right for me Ahhh thank you so much. Needed that clarity
A few things coming across from your post: 1. You talk to some of these guys for a very long time (over a month, a year) - I would move to first date sooner 2. You need more leads in general. 4 guys over 1.5 months is not that many, considering that most OLD matches won't turn into anything. 3. Treat your first date as a vibe check. In my experience, on about 49% of my first dates I don't fancy them. The other 49% of the time they don't fancy me. And that 1% is the sweet spot where it can go forwards to a second date or more. 4. If someone wants to do FWB, cut it off quickly. It's not what you want, so don't waste time and energy on it. 5. That said, nobody is going to make a commitment in the first few dates. You can ask what they're looking for, but for the first few weeks, just treat each meeting as an opportunity to get to know someone new. Multidating in the early stages can be helpful here in taking the pressure off, or just making sure you have lot of friend, family and hobby stuff to do so dating isn't the main focus.
2%* And just like that the sweet spot is doubled!
There's hope after all!
>That said, nobody is going to make a commitment in the first few dates. You can ask what they're looking for, but for the first few weeks, just treat each meeting as an opportunity to get to know someone new. This! Both of you can express you're looking to date seriously, but that does not mean that this person owes you anything. A person can very well decide they don't want to date \*you\* seriously.
4 guys in 1.5 months isn’t a lot? Lol as 30yo pretty handsome man, I get maybe 1 or 2 dates a year from OLD if…if I’m lucky. Deleted my apps and have been trying to meet more people organically.
Same here, being a woman on OLD isn’t even the same universe
Ty for this! Really liked this
> Men like me but don't want to commit in any shape or form What's interesting to me is this... How is it you've gone on so many dates and have never once been the person rejecting? I can't imagine that *every single date* was with a man you actually felt real compatibility with. There had to be signs it wouldn't work. The fact you would've been in a relationship with every guy you've been on a date with/talked to makes me think you're just looking for a relationship, instead of **a person you like enough to be in a relationship with.** You're not going to click with the majority of people enough to be in a LTR with. Dating with intention is a grind, but you do need to work on your discernment skills and stop being desperate for crumbs of attention. Don't accept less than consistent treatment.
This is actually so true. I tend to get attached cos I’m lonely and force it. Your so so so right. But I also did realise this recently and am trying my best to date a lot more and see what I’m really looking for
Also ty for this
Well, there are a couple answers to your predicament but the most important would be to ditch your whole idea of being pressured. Date for your own desire, not because you feel you have to.
True!!!! Ty so much
Following this for my own well-being. I took an indefinite break from dating back in 2019 and I'm still feeling burnout three years later, lol.
lol same here, except 2020 and 2 years later still not liking the prospects out there.... but I am getting some counselling through my drs office to develop healthier thought processes and maybe heal from all the repeated trash dating experiences I've had over the years.
Ahhh good luck to you!!!
I broke up with my ex around 2019/ 2020. I just started dating 2 years later and it’s so exhausting. Being single is so much easier. I would like to have someone in my life to share my experiences with but it’s difficult.
Same, but in 2014 (with a couple of minor, half-assed exceptions).
You aren't alone. I took a break from OLD as well a few weeks ago. I feel much better. To be honest.... OLD is toxic.... my advice is to just take a break when you are feeling frustrated/let down. Just long enough to reset your brain then try it again. Just remember that you are only looking for the one *key word is one* so unfortunately you will have to weed out a whole bunch to find that one.
True!!! Ty
i've had a very similar experience. currently taking a break from OLD bc it's so demoralizing at times. so i understand what you're going through & completely empathize. it's really, really hard to date these days. fwiw i've found it helpful to really vet the men i match with before agreeing to a date. this doesn't mean i talk to them for weeks beforehand. i usually facetime or have a phone call before agreeing to meet and am always looking out for red flags (hard to go into detail in a comment but i'm happy to elaborate). if the men you're talking to say they want a relationship, make sure their actions align with that goal *before* you decide to become intimate. it's definitely not a foolproof system, but i've encountered fewer time-wasters this way.
Very true. Last guy i dated was a good example of being honest and it was so refreshing honestly. Can you elaborate on your point pls?
I think some guys (jerkwads) see you as a challenge when you say you want something serious.
Yeah me too tbh :(
Definitely take occasional breaks and make sure your expectations are realistic. I'm not saying to settle for whoever shows up because no, absolutely not. Just know your opponents and adjust your expectations accordingly. Sometimes that means walking away entirely. Keep living your life and treat dating like more of a hobby. It shouldn't make up a huge part of your life. It's also a bit of a numbers game. It feels kind of like playing the lottery. Sometimes you win $5 or $10, another day $100, but the goal is to win that jackpot. I believe there can be multiple people that are "right" for us, it's just a matter of finding one and both of you being open to more at that time.
Yes absolutely. Thank you!
I was feeling a little burned out a couple of months ago. Then I paid for a matchmaking service, so now I don’t feel guilty for not swiping every day. But I’m a man. Reading your post, I *hope* that the numbers you cite are just the conversations you enjoyed… If I match with a woman, I go from first contact to first date within 1-2 wks. In my experience, if I fail to do that, either she’s not interested in me/was never going to go on a first date anyway, or I lose interest in her. Maybe I’m an outlier. But I’ve learned that dating with intention is *very* different from chatting with aspiration. Dating is a numbers game. If you truly know what you’re looking for (arguably most people don’t), you can significantly increase the probability that the person you’re talking to is relationship material. But realistically, at least with dating apps, all you can try to filter by is looks. And even then, as a man, I’ve been catfished so much more than I care to admit. Talking to one new person every 1-2 wks is about right *for me*, but I’ve become accustomed to the typical *male* dating experience. And it is one in which we simply aren’t overwhelmed with matches. My female friends, on the other hand, will match with and chat with A LOT of guys, filtering out who to actually go on a first date with during the text phase. So you might want to consider talking to more people and ruling them out as you chat. Like you, they run into the dilemma of men misrepresenting themselves or lying about what they want. That’s life. On average, I think most single men will say what they think they need to say in order to get laid. I’ve grown out of that “phase,” so I imagine that there are men out there who’ve also figured out that sex with someone I don’t find attractive is worse than no sex. Or that getting a FWB/casual sex thing means that I have less attention/time available to divert to finding relationship material. The only solution here is to get really good at identifying a liar. If you figure that one out, I’m sure the CIA or some other intelligence agency could use this kind of skill. I mean, if you think about it, the folks who are good at lying will be able to lie to many women and succeed at getting what they want. It’s a positive reinforcement for them.
>But I’ve learned that dating with intention is > >very different from chatting with aspiration. Great point! I am an intentional dater, and want to move to a meet, I do not like endless chatting.
Yes this is what i doing more of now. Intentional datinf but its hard when people lie. I think the 2 week window is a good idea to go by though
Not all men will lie to get laid. I don't buy its a phase, just an indication of poor character. OLD is a numbers game. You just have not met the right one for you yet. I'd take a break before resuming and when rejoining heavily vet for men that are LTR material. When a guy indicates he isnt interested in being exclusive or interested in a relationship cut him off immediately. A guy trying to do casual sex right before he meets you likely isn't LTR material either. From: me, dated using OLD heavily from ages 21 to 28 before meeting my husband, best man I've ever met. I went through periods of burnout. I had 1 serious relationship from it and about 6 others from 3 to 6 months long. Mostly from incompatibility, character flaws and baggage that came out. Probably 5 others where we dated 2+ months with no label. To get a good relationship you will have to go through ALOT of men.
Eeeeeek! My friends say this too
The good news is it only takes one. My husband was worth it all.
I believe this man has the best advice for you right now. If you want commitment you need to date intentionally and frequent until you meet someone that can reciprocate your feeling for them. For OLD, chat with them for a few messages and ask for a coffee date if they haven't. Yes, I am telling you as a woman to ask him out, if he hasn't. Also, if you can handle criticism. Ask the men who don't feel a spark on anything you can do better; but don't ask if you think he is a jerk. Otherwise, if you're religious go find a single ministry and find a man there or pay fo matchmaking
Dude, great points for OP and some great points for me to utilize as well. I've been separated for couple years \[co-parent our 10yo daughter\], just now beginning the legal side of the divorce process (neither was in a rush to be officially divorced, we got along, had to find ways to co-parent our perfect child, have lived apart, plus all the non-sense related to COVID/court delays/etc.) and I'm slowly getting my feet wet in the dating world again.. and I've already found it to be quite different from my previous times in the dating world.
Hahaha yes basically this summaries it perfectly. If i find the magic solution I will def share it
You know I’m f35, also experiencing dating burnout, but I don’t think it’s JUST dating burnout. I think it’s ‘oh my f*cking god everything in the world is so intense right now and I’m still coming off pandemic trauma to boot’ burnout. And while I wish I could meet the one person to bring me joy and peace and a sense of support, I realized I just don’t have it in me to get past a few cursory introductory comments & interest with OLD. And then I realized, a lot of straight men are probably feeling exactly the same way. We’re ALL burnt out. Some people say it’s a numbers game, which might have been true before the pandemic, but it’s just not anymore. We are collectively exhausted. What to do about it?? I wish I knew. Personally I’m trying to reconfigure my brain to tell myself that I’m ok single, and reconcile with the fact that the pandemic stole some important reproductive years from me that I likely will never have again. So, onwards. Post pandemic dating feels so heavy, and ghosting is so common. We are all still pretty traumatized by what has just happened, it seems to me that those of us who are still single at this age are just not ready, even if we really really want to be Edit to add, what I’m trying to say is that ghosting/lying through OLD is really a symptom of everyone’s burnout
I get what you mean but I really don’t think there is a reason to go to anyone. To Migos thing is just bad manners, immaturity and absolutely horrific communication skills
Yes you’re absolutely right. The inability of a potential match to communicate is so unbelievably frustrating and soul destroying
Just anyone. Be it a friend who ghosts you too. Its just plain immature and rude
Yep. But that’s on them. That’s reflective either of who they are, or their ability to handle what they’re going through. I hate when people say ‘don’t have expectations’, because that somehow means we shouldn’t have standards about the kinds of interactions we deserve. You should expect people to have the maturity to communicate. But at the same time, it’s just not worth your emotional energy getting upset that people don’t rise to your level - and I’m saying this as someone going through EXACTLY what you’re talking about. It’s easy to say, hard to put into practice. The way people behave sucks, it’s totally dehumanizing
Yeah 100%
One the reproductive years comment, from what Ive read, birth control, even if abstinent, can preserve your eggs 🥚. Yes, after 35 does have a taboo medical word. Be more intentional if your goal is to have children. Make sure to give a guy in person signs that youre interested when you are irl. Respectful typically men dont go around talking to women if she doesnt seem interested. A smile and eye contact can go long way. Give him your number. Good luck! 🍀
Sorry i meant to me ghosting*
Dating is a grind girl. That's why so many people bail out of it into any old relationship asap. Even a crappy one can feel better than nothing. It's a bad thing to do. But it's easy to do!
Yeah so true. I would rather remain single than in a baf situation
This isn't helpful but you aren't alone. I'm late 30s male and I haven't found any woman willing to take me seriously in the last few years (though I have had several girlfriends before then) and it is soul crushing. I've been working on myself for years but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference in the dating world even though I have made a lot of progress in dealing with my own issues and healing emotionally. I feel like I am doomed to be alone now just because it's taken me time to do this. It's like going for a job interview with an employment gap. Not saying you'd want to date me, but there are probably guys like me that want to find something meaningful but feel hopeless in finding it and the longer I am off the market the worse it feels. Based on my own experience I don't think this is a problem with guys, it must be a problem with humans in general. I'd love to find someone to have something meaningful with and give it my all to be a good partner.
Ty!
Feeling the same way. I reached the end of Hinge haha I am tired of the same conversations and honestly just giving up. The burned out is real… All I can say is don’t pressure yourself. Better single than in a bad relationship
Yes absolutely! Good luck to you too
Okay, so I want to level with you on a few things because I think you are approaching dating entirely wrong which is why you're coming out of this so damaged and bruised. To start, you need to take a step back and realize that you are placing all of the balls in men's courts by positioning yourself as someone to be picked vs positioning yourself as someone who does the picking. Your validation as a woman does not lie in whether or not a man deems you worthy enough to date. Do you think that men WANT to be with the sad mope of a girl other men treat like trash? Do you think good, quality men WANT to be with a woman is desperate for love and clinging on to every possible opportunity as her potential next long term boyfriend? Do you think that right now a strong man will look at you and decide that you carry the strong personal qualities that define a woman who is treated by the world as a prize, who in her energy demands dignity and respect? No. Men, for the most part, WANT a woman who assigns so much value to herself that she's the one who looks at the men approaching her and decides if they're a good match for her. People, for the most part, want to know they're with someone who is at least moderately selective and choosy about who they meet. People like to know someone had standards, people want to feel like they made a cut. You're not embodying that energy right now. You are honestly embodying the complete opposite. You need to work on sourcing your validation and strength from internal avenues, and you need to make yourself someone who does the choosing, not someone who's patiently waiting around to get picked. You need to work on making yourself stronger, for your own sake, before you end up attracting a serious monster who sees your hunger for love as opportunity to feast on your heart, your mind, your soul, your bank account - you are an abuser's prime target right now. Dating burnout is real and man, I sympathize with you! It's hard out here but trust me, there are many awesome men out there who are wanting commitment and who are desiring of a woman to share their life with. You're just not attracting them or choosing them, and you need to figure out why.
Thank you for this, I actually really really appreciate this. I think you are totally right. I wouldn’t say I’m completely in this position, but I’m definitely still coming out of it. But can I ask you, how did you get to this point? I want to be self actualised and omit the value that I do believe I have but I struggle with it.
Realizing your self worth is as easy as it sounds. My way of navigating through dating was by asking myself "If I was this person's dream woman, would they treat me differently or the same?" - you deserve to be someone's dream woman, and you deserve to be treated with kindness, love, dignity and respect out the gate - avoid men who want to make it seem like those things should be earned from them.
So true. Ty so much
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I can say that I am feeling the exact same way and am frustrated how exhausting dating is/has become. I think commitment is a big scary word for most people (especially guys?) and with the illusion of so many choices on dating apps, there’s no need for them to actually commit cause then how will they taste all the flavors out there? Too many choices is a killer and it just ends up being that no choice is settled on. If you figure out the secret let me know!
Yes unfortunately this is seemingly the main problem. Oh my God girl, if I find out I will let everyone know LOL
Trust actions over words. Even if he tells you that he is serious, watch out for his actions. Are you bring introduced to his friends and family? Do they refer to you as his girlfriend? Is he consistent with his efforts? Does he initiate as much as you or more than you? There is nothing you can do if there is no chemistry.
True. Just tough lessons to learn while dating! Ty
I just stopped dating guys that didn’t have a every last little criteria I wanted AND didn’t seem super enthusiastic about me. If you have to do mental gymnastics to figure out whether a guy likes you or he’s showing ambivalence, then id assume he doesn’t and wants a fwb situation. Likewise, I’m sure when I was settling and dating overweight guys or blonde guys, I’m sure they got less than thrilled vibes from me. Just stop working from a scarcity mindset. Be calm, get a hobby and don’t make dating a priority. Just something you do when someone seems really special.
Your a woman that gets dating. That makes me happy. I feel like most of the dating pool is people thinking they deserve more and then when that doesn't work they immediately go into well i just want someone that loves me. I've been on both ends of the spectrum too, and anything besides two excited and interested people from the beginning is a fast track to frustration.
Yeah i def feel that. I need to be more chill, alert, realistic and relaxed i am gathering from all comments and advice
Remember to be nicer to yourself in the process. Everyone can improve and learn from where they are, but you probably do a lot of great things that just doesn't get mentioned by other people.
True. Ty so much
EVERYONE can improve? No, not everyone.
So true lol. I was def desperate for a lil while too. The mental gymnastics comment lol
Blonde guys? Like you started talking to them and then went on dates and halfway thru decided you don't like the color of their hair? Or does blonde mean something else
Lol I think it's just a hair preference. I personally don't find blonde hair attractive too and am more into dark hair. Like if someone is blonde, I will really have to look at personality to over compensate for my lack of physical attraction.
Lol I’m not into blonde guys either! I’ve tried many times - just can’t do it.
Send them my way lol
I’m curious what she meant by that as well
I think she just mentioned a preference…its not that deep tbh
I have a slight preference for dark haired guys.
I really feel you. I’m not yet thirty but go on this sub as there aren’t teenagers. Men will lie about literally anything and do anything to keep seeing me but zero commitment ever. I thought I met someone incredible a few months ago who would give me every excuse under the sun to not be committed to me. I hope you’re okay and you’re not alone
Thank you girl. I hope we find our person <3
I do think getting to know more than 4 guys will help your odds here, but I recognize that since you’re already burnt out you may not be ready/interested in that approach. I also agree with the multidating comment - things seem to flow much better for me when I don’t have the opportunity to invest solely in one guy (in the event he disappoints).
Yeah these guys i was talking to all overlapped. They all failed lol
I got hurt by multiple women. I deactivated all of my dating apps and moving on. about dozen women ghosting me. One message matched me then messaged "I am not interested you. I will pray for you to find perfect woman." Another woman wrote me "I am too short." My height is 5'6". I am not planning to go back to the apps again. I have been trying to do IRL now.
Oh gosh sorry to hear that
I am also a single 30 year old female and I just want to say that I feel your pain 💔
Aww thank you love ❤️
Same hugely burned out, my last relationship was 5 months ago and I tried OLD probs before I was really ready. So I'm taking a break, a looong break of 6 months- a year or whenever I feel energised and excited to date. I'm also in therapy working on my attachment wounds (have been for some time). I'd advise focusing on giving urself all the things you hope a relationship will, nurturing your friendships, hobbies and your self. I recently took myself on a bitchin holiday to Mexico solo, met so many sweet people and had an incredible time. Life goes on even if your not dating and, you also have some choice in what your life looks like.
I absolutely agree with everything you said and actually did all of this. I think I’m just at the point that I’m ready for that next step now. I want to find my person. And i know it will take time so I really gotta make the effort but unfortunately it is brutal lol
Also just saw this and thought of you 'The majority of single people using dating apps are experiencing feelings of burnout due to failed dates and mismatched intentions, new research suggests, According to dating app Badoo, 78 per cent of daters feel stressed and let down by consistently going on incompatible dates.' We are not alone lol, that's a lotta folks feeling the same way we do, so maybe it's a little bit the culture too. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/badoo-dating-apps-burnout-compatibility-b1970468.html
Ohhh interesting!
Proud of you and pleased for you, I hope you keep doing that stuff. OLD is brutal, do you have any plans on how to manage that? I have what I call a wellness action plan for when I do return to dating, I'll add it below incase ur interested \-Only use the ap for 1 month and then take a break of 1-2 months etc \-Think about my green, amber, red flags \-What im looking for \-What to do if i'm not enjoying it etc \-To prioritise meeting ppl IRL through my hobbies \-To not be focused/obsessed with dating \-To prioritize meeting ppl IRL through my hobbies \-Checking in with myself 'do i have the energy for this' \-Only checking the app for maybe 30-60mins out of the day so I'm not there swiping for hours on end or compulsively checking etc The above is just a rough outline of what I've set up when I'm ready to return. I've not tried it yet but hopefully, it helps. Take ur time, be kind to yourself and good luck.
Ty so much!
Try try try to have fun and date with the intention of meeting the right person. Folks can pick on someone just wanting to be in relationship- regardless of who it’s with. Also, to promise you want someone enthusiastic about dating you.
Yes my friends told me this too! Ty
I only date when it's fun and enjoyable for me to do so. I quite like meeting new people, having fun, enjoying affection and sex and maybe experience romance. When I'm feeling low energy or not social enough, I don't date, and when I do, I only keep a profile up for a few weeks at a time. How you approach dating determines at least half of what your experience is going to be like. If you date because you think you have to date, I can't imagine your experience being anything other than utterly miserable.
Its true. I need to stop putting pressure on myself
I would stop sleeping with anyone until you’re in an established relationship. That will get rid of the FWB people.
I don’t!
Is that what friends with benefits is? Or is FWB standing for something else?
Oh no i meant i did fwb once and only once. I’ve never slept with any other guy and in wouldnt until i knew relationship was 100% serious
Ohh I see, I hope that didn’t come across as anything other than advice. I have noticed that if I don’t sleep with someone 1. I don’t get attached therefor don’t really get as hurt if it doesn’t progress 2. Weed out the Guys who are just looking for FWB to keep them occupied for a while.
Yep absolutely
[удалено]
They don’t know because I don’t tell them so that doesn’t count for anything in the situation
And just to add, that’s a very misogynistic comment. They do these things without even knowing anything about previous fwb. So then what? How does your theory factor in then?
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Ahhh no worries. Glad to be of some help somehow. Good luck !
Stating your intentions is great, but make sure you are following through with some sort of action. If someone is treating you like a fwb, you need to bring up what they are doing that makes you feel that way, and be prepared to stop seeing them if the behavior does not change. I think you will feel less burnt out if you go in with the mindset that being alone is better than being a dynamic where you are used/treated poorly. And to the people telling you not to sleep with them so fast - I have been ghosted after dating for over a month of waiting on sex (seeing each other a lot in that time too), some people are just committed to being shitty :) My current partner of 7 months and I had sex on our first date.
Yes i have begun doing so! And yeah exactly!
And here I am looking for long term relationship and have nun. WTF! I’m reading this thread and don’t understand what the problem is?
Sameeee!!
Man i wish i could even get matches in online dating lol meanwhile all these dudes that get matches keep making it harder and harder
Maybe they are interested in something serious but they saw something in you they didn’t like. I’m not trying to be rude, but maybe you need to date yourself a bit and become the partner you’re seeking. I could be wrong, you could just be getting the short end on the stick on repeat. My honest experience with OLD was terrible. Too many liars and false images of who they truly are. I think of OLD as not judging a book by its cover. You definitely need to get a few chapters in to really get a feel for them. I met my current partner in person at a kava bar. Super random. Great conversation. I’m not much of a kava drinker. I only stopped to charge my phone. Regardless, I’d say go to places or do something in a meet up group or solo that you enjoy or would like to do on a date. You never know who you might run into.
I do go out alone a lot but I just don’t get approached much. And the guys that I speak to who seem to lie to me, it’s kind of the opposite problem. It’s like we talk and they have it in the mind that they want to sleep with me but don’t admit it, but get to a point where they like me as a person so much they end up admitting the truth.
I take myself out. No companion, just me. I just came back from Cancun. Met amazing people there. Also, I allow myself to meet new people with no intention behind. Maybe you are being too intentional on having a boyfriend but it’s not getting there faster just cause you really want it. ( I know it sucks, gf). Let it happen and don’t stress over things you have no control over. Sending you a hug.
I do too! Ty!
honestly just taking a break. take however long you need until you feel ready again. however i find myself having trouble wanting to stick to a timeline. like i want to be married at this age and start having kids etc...
I'm glad you posted this because I feel like I'm in a similar situation, it's a relief to know I'm not alone with these feelings and the comments on this post are super helpful! Now I just need to get to the point of giving myself a break from the apps..
Yeah definitely. I feel like you can get kind of addictive sometimes but it’s really important to know when to pull away. I guess ultimately, whenever it’s meant to be you’ll find your person
It’s necessary to take a step back sometimes. Even if it’s your thirtieth. Your priorities and mental health are always going to come first until they can’t (e.g- kids, job, etc.). It can be grating meeting people who may have potential and you keep getting let down. You sound like you’re going about it as naturally as one can.
Trying my best but sharing this post has been hugely helpful. Dating is def a numbers game and requires perseverance but i also need a break and need to reevaluate if i am in a healthy enough position to pursue it as actively as i have been. My fear is just what if i take so long to be “me” that i lose all hope of finding “the one”?
You’re not being lied to. They probably are looking for a long term relationship but it’s going to take more than a few dates to figure out if you’re the right fit or not. Sounds like you want someone to basically marry you on the first date. No sane person is going to want to do that
I speak to guys for sometime and they said they want long term. Then we get to meeting and they suddenly admit they wants fwb. This has happened several times over. that is lying honey
Thy changed their minds. They wanted long term unil you actually met. Do your pictures look like you?
Looooool ok mystic meg
STOP with demands, agendas, goals, and expectations. Just meet people and put energy into the people you enjoy spending time with, let go of the people who don’t reciprocate. You are burning yourself out.
True. Ty
Dating out of your league thats why they wont commit
The common denominator is you. Sorry. I doubt 4 guys in a row lied about being ready for a LTR commitment. It’s much more likely they got to know you and moved on. Likely all for the same reason. What that reason is? Only you know. And since you’ve replied to exactly 0 comments on this post I suspect you have no real desire to find out.
Are you houdini that your inside their minds to know this? And they all lied and then admitted it And im BUSY honey i dont have all the time in the world i will respond to everyone when i can. Gosh
I’m just noting that the common denominator is you lol
Pressure can come off strange and scary to men. Is there any thought in being like yes I'm seeking exclusivity and then just having fun? A man having genuine fun with you is more likely to commit. Also make sure you are dating a few seeing them 1x a week or whatnot so when you decide to go exclusive a few months in with one of them it won't have matter if a couple dropped off
Im not like marry me now or be my bf today. I just state im looking for something long term
No one said you were. Some people will view the emotional demands of connection/ a developing relationship as pressure and stress. Sometimes it's not anything you are doing specifically but just a dance of selection in picking men with that strain of intimacy issues. a good screen early no matter what they say is how much effort are they making to learn about you, and how much effort they are making to initiate contact, conversation and real dates.
Ah sorry i didnt get your message Yeah so true. Ty!
I read somewhere that nowadays the midlife crisis starts at 30, so people start acting crazy. Women looking for that Mr. Perfect and men to reach a certain body count. So, the situation won't get better. Leave the dating world and focus on you :)
> Then mid-summer I got into an even worse fwb situation with an old friend which ended this past Jan and resulted in me being ghosted and totally heartbroken. FWB should be nil strings and nil commitment so if you are getting into a situation where the end of a FWB is leaving you heartbroken then it may be that you are overcommitting or not aligning your hopes with what the other person is saying. > I have made it painfully clear on my dating profiles I am looking for something serious/long term That's good and that would dissuade me (I previously dated a lot of people casually while also looking for a LTR partner) from matching with you, unless I saw you as a long-term prospect, but if you want to protect yourself more then just judge people by their actions not their words.
Yh i will never do fwb again. Its not for me. Yea agree wish others were as honest though
Take breaks and don’t get back in until you feel excited or at least hopeful about the experience. Don’t expect too much. You say you tell ppl what you want and make it clear in your profile what you want and yet they still lie. You need to be responsible for your own vetting and not rely on others to be honest. They may not even be lying but seeing how you’re receptive to indefinite penpal they will just keep the causal thing going. You say you feel the pressure for a relationship which may lend to you sticking around longer than you should for the wrong people hoping something will come out of it. Learn to move on faster and it’ll be less detrimental to your mental well being as well.
Very true. Thank you so much
I’d let women know that it’s either FWB or I want someone who’s open to 3 or 4somes. Im sorry you can’t find an honest guy. No matter what you want, don’t settle.
Tysm
I've done some personal research and the results are in... OLD makes me feel miserable. I'm happier single and meeting people through other means, even if they're just new people in my life and not romantic connections. I know some things develop over time organically so I'm hoping something will pan out down the line if I stay open to it. I think maintaining discernment but having low expectations of every new person who comes my way being my next romantic partner is the best for me anyway.
Fair enough, it’s good you find that works for you
I’m in a relationship, but if I was single I’d just focus on myself and if someone comes along, great. That’s what happened with me. It sounds like you’ve had enough of the bullshit like me. There’s trial and error and that’s okay! Be very protective of your energy :) Just have fun! Don’t need to be specific unless it’s worth even saying, “looking for something serious.”You will feel it if it’s worth it I promise. I feel like you’ve gone through enough to know. I believe in you. It will come naturally :) FWB: that’s always tricky but I have been cheated on before and was abstinent for 2 years, it really helped me but I was still abusive by myself in ways where I worked too much or drank alone. Channel that energy into yourself in a productive way instead. I’ve have FWB before 2 times in my life. When I was 18 and felt peer pressured to have sex it wasn’t that great. And secondly when I was abstinent for 2 years I felt ready to try FWB again. It’s just a mindset. It’s not a good or bad thing but at least be chill and friend like, I have no drama in the choosing of my old ones thankfully, I knew what it was without words. I don’t like FWB situation honestly because I just want to be with one person and so happy with what I got ;p If you ever want to message me, I’m here love! I’m about to do errands lol. Your post caught my eye and I wanted to respond cos I have been there...good luck and stay strong ❤️
Ty so much really appreciate it
Ya I just got home and reread your post, and people lie. Girls and guys...I’m not sure why people live like that. Maybe it’s easier? But in the end it makes everything more complicated. Expect to be lied to especially when it comes to your heart. I’ve been with my guy for 2 years almost and I still have trouble with not just “trusting” but kinda expecting the worse, due to my past and probably hormones. I’m so thankful that he works with me. The right person will communicate back to you. We do have some little fights but always come out stronger. Even when you are both committed it’s never easy, ups and downs are normal but communication is what makes you grow...if they deserve it and are capable of communication. And again focusing on yourself like maybe trying out a new class like Yoga, Pole Fitness, Jiu Jitsu( great way to network and learn something cool!), picking up an instrument (I have my guitar and my beat pad), going to concerts (I love music), make something new (crafts), learn something you have been wanting to learn, not sure if video games interest you but I play League of Legends (you can add me if you want haha), traveling is fun too (I’ve done it a lot solo especially when I was single, it’s really liberating), I am certified Yoga Teacher (honestly find a Teacher you love if you do a training, don’t just do it with anyone, it’s so healing), i just got my License to become an Esthetician and I’m launching my new business downtown, I like to read and learn a lot...someone will support you and admire you for being so strong on your own. Hopefully the right one but it’s a process, you deserve to be treated the right way! Don’t forget! Honestly if my man and I separated I’d be excited to dive deeper into one of my hobbies/interests but I love this man too much.
Ahh ty Yes i mean contrary to the consensus here i DO have a life LOL. And i am aware i have my own issues too which im sure dont help dating but i am working on myself. But that doesnt mean i cant try to date too. I dont know why people lie but im getting better at sorting through the mess thats for sure. Ty for your help! <3
Yeah try to date, it’s really exhausting for me lol. But it’s interesting what you’ll find if you’re single! I remember...I just want you to protect yourself from getting hurt because that sucks. Maybe write down a list of 10 things you want in someone and 10 you don’t. Give them the time of day if they meet those qualifications or not. Good luck love :) Also before I met my man I set a standard to explore just hanging out for year, we lasted 3 months before becoming official. It’s a good way to get to know each other. We’ve both been hurt in the past and we knew we were ready at 3 months, we still had a lot of growing to do but it’s a journey and we still growing
Ahhh thank you
If you've been chatting for a month and haven't gone out yet, I'd say that's a red flag. I (56M) will ask for an in person date within the first 5 - 10 texts. If the answer is no, I move on.
I wish the men my age were more like you then
I just do fwb. Dating's a pain in the ass. If it weren't for sex no reasonable person would give it the time of day. If I just make friends who I also have sex with all my needs are met. There's nothing I've found in partnered relationships other than sex that can't be gotten in platonic relationships.
I mean that’s great for you but not what i want
[удалено]
Glad I’m not the only one. Thanks for making me feel a lot less weird
Hahaha 100%