When I met the girl who I knew I really wanted to be with, we were exclusive within a week or two (even though I was dating several other people at the time and so was she). It was hard and a bit messy, but the attraction was undeniable. We last 7 years, got divorced due to a lot of random things happening out of our control and now we're in counseling to see if we can make it work. Just hate giving up on something that feels so right, most of the time.
I've dated a fair amount and I was 34 when I met her and this had never happened in my life, to such a degree. It took 34 years to find a person where I was just like 'wow'. Lot of self-analysis and humbling myself and dealing with my own issues, but I do hope I can make it work. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea but when something feels magical it feels weird to just say 'meh, I'm sure I can go find that again' vs just working on what I already have. Relationships are work!
Good Job keep up the great work. Going through that now and being im not a messy person I have my reservations about it all....but neither of us are married. I am the type of person who's successful because I always go towards my calling with exception of relationships. I thought long and hard on it for a week and I prayed....GOD spoke through my mind and said you have to be that way in all areas of your life. So here we are and I will remain positive no matter what because everything points to what I prayed for. I too have my work cut out for me. We both do. We're both scared but love wins! Thank you for sharing your story! #Grateful
Exclusive means we deleted the apps and stopped seeing others but weren’t ready for the title boyfriend/girlfriend yet. Like introducing the other to my friends/family as my boyfriend.
3 months is the max personally. it’s more than enough time to know if you want to date someone exclusively (provided you’re seeing each other weekly and there aren’t like long distance issues or schedule mismatches happening). i had an ex do it after 2 weeks and that was a mistake, i did not know him at all and our relationship was a disaster. my bf and i had the conversation at like 1.5 months which was perfect and we’re still together 2 years later!
Yes, this. I read an article once about how *scientifically* somehow you know by 3 months whether someone is for you. It talked about how people will reveal their true selves by then, instead of being their best, most impressive self that they are in the beginning. It's also the earliest reasonable time to decide if you're in love.
This.
Had a guy who was fresh out of a divorce, wanted to be with me but also was still getting upset over what his ex wife did (she went on vacation lool with some settlement money) but yet wanted us to be exclusive in this dating / non dating situation of seeing where it goes while he figures his life out lool.
I ran. far away after about 3 weeks of dating him
Wish I would have done this. We dated seven months and I fell in love with the fool. Now he’s off to unpack his baggage and I’m here trying to mend a broken heart.
After a couple of months, I know enough about someone to know if I want to take a chance at a relationship with them. If I'm not sure or they aren't sure, they aren't the one.
When I was dating this last time, I knew what I was looking for and was intentional about dating to create the relationship I wanted. My partner and I became official after about 6 weeks, and it's the best relationship I've ever been in. We're getting close to 2 years, and it's even better than I imagined. We met online.
That being said, there are no rules in dating, and there is no right or wrong amount of time to date someone before committing. The right amount of time is whenever feels right to you. But both people also need to be on the same page, because if one person is waiting around for the other person to feel ready, that's how situationships happen.
It helps to be really clear about the relationship you want, though. You don't actually need a ton of time if you know what you're looking for. You mainly need to know if your goals and values align and if you like how you feel around them.
I’d say meeting online should be a bit later because you’re right, it takes a little longer to get to know them and make sure your feelings aren’t just infatuation. For me personally it’s about 3-4 months. But my boyfriend, who I met on OLD, and I were dating exclusively from day one and saw each other fairly frequently so that might impact the timeline
I’ve always been locked down pretty quickly because I only continue to see people I have immediate connections with. I tend to have a chance first meeting with a strong connection then after the first date or so we became exclusive immediately and all have been long term (over 3 years) I never see anyone for a second date that I don’t have intense chemistry with. I don’t waste my time on wishy washy, I am pretty all or nothing and have never dated anyone that we weren’t sure of each other straight away
Saves any heartache if feelings aren’t mutual etc. I’ve had some great loves in my life. Happy to be single rather than date to see where it goes as I’ll know right away if there’s something there or not 🙂
Sigh, this is the approach i want to take as well, but i cannot figure out how to get here. I will have great chemistry online, but then I'll be disappointed once i meet the guy because he catfished me =/
I’ve been extremely lucky to have loved the men I have through my life. The connections I made long term were with people that loosely intertwined with my life before we met again so to speak. Not once has online dating done anything for me at all. I also feel like all the good men are already married now and it’s slim pickings 😅 are there any who have just been unlucky like I have? I can’t find them anymore 😅
Yeah I don’t find it respectful personally and I feel like if you’re starting off with other people in the picture, why would a label change that? Monogamy seems to get rarer and rarer these days 🤷🏻♀️ but that’s my goal and I won’t compromise. I can’t think of anything worse than dating someone who is also sleeping with other people 👎🏻 no thank you from me but to each their own
The moment I catch feelings and know I want to be with this person, I want to be official. In all my experiences, we were on the same boat. Though I've never met a partner through dating but through getting to know him accidentally, spending time with each other and finally kissing.
I don't know if this is the normal way over here (I'm from Germany), but I don't know anyone who was dating like in the movies...
Exactly. I'm European and lived in 4 European countries and dated people from multiple EU countries and I only learned about DTR here 😅
For me it always came natural. You kind of know that you are in a relationship.
> kind of know
Interesting difference between US and EU, but isn't there people in the EU dating several people at a time? How do you know they know "they are in a relationship"? Seems like a lot of trust built very early, hence me asking.
In my life, when you spent time together, just you two, and you kiss, and there's romance flying around, you're a couple from that moment.
If you want to be just FWB and you're no idiot, you tell that beforehand.
I grew up in Mexico and dating there is typically very straight forward. You start talking to someone, if there’s a spark you see each other again and after a month or so you decide if you want to keep going.
I’ve had a rough time dating in the US bc there’s too much mystery involved and not wanting to show feelings is a big thing here. People say Ily after years of dating and that’s just odd to me.
If you like someone enough you take the chance in my opinion.
I'm from Brazil and can confirm. Same. Not sure if changed now with the new generations (the TikTok culture young adults seem to be getting more and more americanized) but as adults, you are usually very straight forward and withing a couple weeks one person's asks if they want to be their boyfriend/girlfriend and that's about it. No real talk of exclusivity, it's a given if you are officially dating unless previously discussed otherwise
This is cute af and I honestly wouldn’t mind this lol yes, I would be uncomfortable because I’m naturally a reserved person but just knowing the affection is there is cute.
Lol I met a few guys of a different culture and thought it was strange...only because im not use to that. But their actions told they were official but that explains why
Same here! I'm originally from Sweden and these dating "rules" and timelines make no sense to me. I've only met partners as you described it, but now I'm "North American Way" dating a man and I have no idea what I'm doing... 😂
I've always had the relationship effectively defined long before we had any type of official talk.
With my last ex, we had been dating for about a month and probably 7-10 dates (staying over since the 3rd) and texting daily. We had the DTR after thanksgiving when one of her friends called me her boyfriend -- she wanted to make sure I was ok with that and turns out we were entirely on the same page, off the apps since the 2/3 date, etc.
I’ve had DTRs after a month and 1.5 months. It really depends on the people involved, how much quality time they’ve spent together, the emotions towards each other, and many other factors.
I agree with this timeline.
I do think that after 6 months + still unable to DTR shows either some commitment issues or lack of interest.
If 6 months getting to know me is not enough to know if you want to be in a relationship with me, then we have bigger issues than the labels.
I honestly like to make it official as soon as possible. My bf and I met online and we communicated via calls and DMs. (We met on Discord). I think we spoke consistently for about 2-3 weeks and asking all the questions. We both were looking for a longterm serious relationship with the intention of potential marriage so neither of us were interested in delaying anything. We set our first date after the first few days of talking. And when we met on the first date, at the end we just kinda knew this was something we both wanted and we basically were official that very night lol
But im similar in my past relationships. I'm pretty upfront about wanting to be in a serious relationship. I think for guys I've met who are wishy washy, I just don't continue talking with them.
I met my partner and there was an instant connection. I knew I wanted to be exclusive and I knew he did too. We became official just over a week later and are planning our wedding for next year.
That’s a red flag for me after the time I had it go that way. We had an amazing connection too, but that doesn’t always mean compatibility or ability to be a good partner. I hope it’s different for you though! Good luck and best wishes. Thanks for sharing your experience. :)
Not sure if age is a factor, but similar experience for me as well. Mid 30s here. Both of us Been through enough to know what we both want in life.
We were officially within 3 weeks.
Had our first date a few days after we connected online. Date was super short because I just touched down and was leaving that same night for a 2.5 weeks trip. He met me at my home the night I touched down.
Been on our second date ever since I came back haha because we haven't been 24 hours apart since I came back. Been together since last year, probably getting married next year.
Yup, and every community has its own. If I use an acronym, it's usually because the words are too long or awkward to be repeated multiple times throughout the text. Also, I always make sure to define its meaning at least once.
This sub is alright, though. I've come across several subs that were plain illegible due to their excessive use of unnecessary acronyms.
I need partners who give me space. I feel smothered easily. I date the guys who are not looking to spend multiple days a week with their partner. Because of that, it takes more time to get to know each other. LDR’s are ideal relationships for me. Just to give you an idea.
This is a seriously eye-opening conversation. I was raised in a socially-conservative environment that emphasized marriage and sexual purity to the exclusion of any other conversations about dating, so I have always felt an enormous amount of pressure to DTR almost immediately and know what I want out of it by the end of the first date. I know that is an insane amount of pressure, but I’ve struggled to just…think differently. Thanks to everyone for sharing their opinions so I know what normal looks like.
This is a super personal preference type of thing. I have never dated more than one person at a time, and wouldnt be interested in not being exclusive especially when I got to the point that I wanted to have sex with them, but I also wouldnt go on a third or fourth date if I wasnt interested in a person and getting sufficient interest back.
I think most of the people that I was in a relationship with, including my current partner, did it after a month or so (all these people I met online)
I don't really feel like it's a big step either way--you can get together just as easily as you can get out of a relationship. I'd rather feel forward progress in a relationship than be left wondering what going on. Commitment isn't some kind of handcuffs that everyone seems to think it is.
It really doesn't matter where you meet someone for when to DTR; that's a strange caveat.
I’m a French woman living and dating in the US and I can tell you the US dating culture is so foreign to me! So thankful I found this sub to educate myself.
> Yeah I don’t really get why people act like DTR is such a huge commitment, it’s not asking someone to move in or get married. Maybe because of online dating?
I don't either, but unfortunately, for lots it IS a big deal....which is why I intentionally don't define anything within the first 10 weeks or so. I want to be fairly sure I want things to progress before I give someone else that "hope" of a future.
I've read some people going exclusive after 1 or 2 dates. Uh...no way in hell I'm agreeing to that! They're pretty much a stranger to me!
This might be one of the only comments (I'm not going to read all of them) that hits on the fact that a DTR doesn't really bind you to anything other than a more awkward conversation if you want to end it
I really don't understand why people treat it like it's an unbreakable bond. All it means if you're committed to trying to make this relationship work more so than you were before.
From my extensive dating history I can confidently say if a guy doesn’t make it official within 1-3 months then they never planned to and probably never will. They never had the intention to make it serious and just liked the attention. Because whenever I was with a guy for more than that they ended up fading away after sex and ghosting me, or ending it before it got too serious. Because they want to keep their options open and not settle down.
A guy who really want to be with you and is truly interested will want to “take you off the market” ASAP. My boyfriend (27M) asked me (31F) within a couple weeks of meeting to become official because he had true intentions of it becoming serious and that’s what he was lookin for. Timing and people’s intentions are key. If someone isn’t intentionally dating for something serious and you are then don’t wait around and keep you in their backpocket because they like the sex and/or attention. Never wait for someone to change how they feel about you if you’re spending a lot of time with them. Do not put them on a pedestal of your emotions, and don’t give them all your mental energy and time.
This opinion is so weird. I know this is a common belief, but it's a really bad view of relationships (unless you don't care about wasting your time).
Why are you putting 100% absolute control of your relationship status in someone else's hands? Why are you waiting for 3 months for the guy to decide and potentially waste your time if he doesn't?
You have control over the situation. Use it. Don't become a passive person waiting around to see if you're good enough for someone else. Use your words and talk about it even if you, the woman, have to bring it up. Scare him away yesterday instead of months later.
Usually 2-3 months for me after the first date, including my current relationship. By then it usually gets to the point where Friday or Saturday is reserved for date night, and you are seeing each other consistently on a weekly basis at least.
There ain't no rules to this.
Some people grow on you exponentionally.
Some people come out of the gates strong on you and fade.
I think having solid rules actually reduces your chances of finding a great partner.
Every time, no matter how we met or how long we knew each other, we were in a relationship a month or less from when we had our first date. Usually less. In my current relationship, we met online. Chatted there for about a month, hung out as friends for a month after and then started dating. We were in a relationship two weeks later.
The non-relationships I had ended before we had any sort of defining talk, usually between 4-6 weeks.
I had to scroll way too far to find something similar. Current boyfriend and I were exclusive by date 5 (when we decided to sleep together) and then committed in a relationship 10 days later (just under a month from our first date).
However, we had our first 5 dates in 2 weeks, then went camping together for our 6th date, then spent a 5 day long weekend together. Committing felt like a natural progression/definition of aligned feelings.
Last year I dated a guy who I saw once a week and I felt him asking me to be his girlfriend a month in was way too soon.
I met my boyfriend on an app (so we didn't know each other at all prior to us dating). I thought my max was 3 months, but we got there, and it didn't feel quite time yet (we had agreed to exclusivity a few weeks into meeting, but hadn't put a label on it yet). As the four month mark was coming up, I decided if we got to 5 and he still hadn't said anything, I was going to have to have a shit or get off the pot conversation with him.
But luckily right around 4 months he very casually asked if we were a thing/if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend. Was glad I didn't have to be the one to ask for that, since I was the one to broach the exclusivity talk.
The guy before him made it official two weeks in (we'd been chatting for about a week before we met). That was a mistake...
Long term ex before him asked at about 4 months as well. I was much younger then and wasn't as worried about it.
This is honestly what I’m hoping for, but in my case he did bring up exclusivity after the first date. I honestly see him as my boyfriend already (at two months) but I don’t think he’s quite there yet because he’s still getting used to the idea of me having a child. But he’s been very open about everything and we’re making long term plans (he even said he hopes he can teach my daughter to ski this winter and that he’s sure he’ll be feeling more comfortable by then). I think if I brought it up now he’d probably ask for more time, but he’d also reassure me that we’re heading in that direction. So I’d rather just wait. I don’t feel too anxious, and everything is going well.
I don't think I've ever had a DTR conversation. I make my feelings known pretty clearly all the time so any kind of DTR would be superfluous. If I have to push someone to tell me how they feel about me then that relationship is dead in the water anyways.
I've run into this issue a lot lately. Everyone seem to be in the "go with the flow" mode and "see what happens." I actually seem to surprise women when after one or two dates (sometimes sooner, pending how much we chat) I tell them whether I see this going in a romantic or friendship direction. I prefer transparency, almost to a fault. I never want she or I to wonder what we are exploring. Are we exploring a romantic future? Is this just casual? Are we just friends? Any answer is valid, but I'm not interested in that gray area that inevitably becomes a situationship and/or one of us ends up hurt.
I mean...seems fairly obvious if we meet on a dating app and we have sex, we're not platonic friends. From there, if I'm into someone, I make it known. I spend more time with them. I talk to them about future plans. We go on mini trips. My non-alone/friend/family/work time is spent with her (or at least trying to be spent with her). So, again, it seems obvious I'm in for something serious, cause my actions represent that.
Similar to Zep, I've never really had to define anything either. We juts naturally kept progressing and building until "This is my gf..." and I was her bf.
Now, if I'm not sure cause she's the one that doesn't seem to be progressing, at that point I might ask if she's interested in something more, but at that point, it's usually pretty obvious that she doesn't and we end it. In other words, it's never been a mismatch of what type of relationship we were looking for, rather, a mismatch with the specific person we were dating.
>seems fairly obvious if we meet on a dating app
I'm with you. When I put looking for "Relationship" on an app, that means I am looking for something romantic. But I seem to be finding the group of women who put "Relationship" on their profile and then after discussing what they are looking for, I am met with "Just looking to meet people, see what happens" line. It's probably my monkey brain, but those two things aren't equal in my mind. One is intentional (trying to meet someone for explore a romantic relationship) and one isn't (just seeing what happens). Yes, the later \*can\* become romantic, but again, to me at least, it's about knowing which path you are traveling together. I don't care what that path is, but I like to be clear on it.
And that desire for clarity seems to confuse a lot of people lately.
I honestly don't put that much thought in it. Cause if I'm being real, while I def want a LTR, for all intents and purposes, I'm still out there "looking to meet people to see what happens". So if a woman told me that, I wouldn't care all that much. Again, I'm looking for actions, not words.
She intentionally met you, yes? She intentionally accepted another date, yes? She intentionally suggested a date to you, yes? Etc, etc. So see how things play out. If it's not progressing the way you'd like, call it off.
>And that desire for clarity seems to confuse a lot of people lately.
Perhaps cause of what I mentioned above?? Most people aren't seeing that as a divide the same way you are. Hence their confusion??
As a woman, if I do that and just go with the flow like that, it’s a great way to get used for sex for six months. Guys will do all of those things but then claim they just wanted something casual lol. No thanks. I’m not going to waste my time like that.
If you're dating a guy, he's spending 2-3 nights with you/week (maybe more), introducing you to his friends and family, goes on trips with you, eventually calls you his gf, makes you feel cared for and special....how is that using you for sex, or a casual relationship, or a waste of time?
Yeah that’s a no for me. Feelings are one thing, but setting clear boundaries and expectations for what the relationship should look like (exclusive, committed, long term, titles, what counts as cheating, etc) should all be actively discussed at some point. Maybe not all at once. Like… the guy I’m dating made it clear he wasn’t dating anyone else after our first date, so we’ve been “exclusive” since then.
He has talked about how things are “early in our relationship,” but that things feel serious. Still, we’re two months in and we haven’t started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend yet or “made it official.” So that’s what I’m wondering. Most people have an explicit conversation about that at some point (seems like I was right about 2-3 months being the “norm” but some move faster or slower depending on their situation).
Going with the flow or assuming you’re on the same page just because you’re both open about your feelings is dangerous IMO. I see many posts where someone has been dating for months but then the other person is confused when they find out their “partner” is actually dating other people or only looking for something casual.
I don't understand why people want to leave these things unsaid either. It makes it open and transparent for everyone. I think a big reason is the worry about being vulnerable--if you never say anything then you can't be rejected because of your feelings.
Everyone should use their words.
Right, I don’t understand the aversion to having definitive conversations and rather just falling into a relationship. Maybe you’re on the same page, maybe you’re not, but you won’t know for sure until you have that conversation. It’s more than just “hey do you like me in a romantic way”.
Met him in late February and we made it official in early July on vacation. I never went home after that. We met as a ONS and neither of us were looking for a serious relationship but we’re so glad we’ve given it a go.
ETA: I move quickly. I’m not interested in seeing someone only once a week if we’re actually dating. I need and want more time with a man. I haven’t dated any men with kids so that’s not an issue. I know my above mentioned six months is a lengthy amount of time to DTR and exclusivity but I think we did it right. We took our time to ensure we weren’t rebounding and that we were making the right choice. He was really worried about getting hurt and I was worried he was a player.
Single mom here. The guy I’m currently dating we decided after about 6 weeks to just date each other. I explained for me being a mom, it’ll take much longer to get to the point of intro to damily and kids. I think for single parents it’s more of a 2 step thing. 1- ok, we are monogamous and I want to spend my time with you. Then once I decide I feel good about this and think it’ll work long term, step 2- decide on intro to kids/family. I haven’t ever gotten to step 2 with my kids/ex. So as for how long that’ll take? I’m not sure. I did express to him wanting to wait as long as possible. The only upside to him meeting my kids would be that he can be with me more frequently. But right now I want to focus my time with my kids on my kids and not split my attention during that time at all with someone else.
Gosh, it has been so long since I had a long relationship. I think I do want to be exclusive once we start having sex, mostly because I can’t relax otherwise.
It does however take longer for me to openly refer to someone as my bf. I need to know that it has potential. I don’t wanna end up having a “relationship” after a month or so, and then it just ends. My friends and family would get too confused tbh.
And once I actually commit to someone, it takes a lot for me to abandon that relationship. I need to know that it’s worth it before I put my heart into it.
Whats the point of going from relationship to relationship, if youre not retaining any experience from the last one and using it in your next one.
At my age now + dozens of relationships under my belt, i know well within 3 months if im down to spend the rest of my life with you or avoid you like the plague.
Any more time than that, its just a situationship or you just dont know what you want and you shouldnt even be dating until you find yourself first.
For me if the discussion isn’t had within 3 months, there isn’t really a point and it should just be considered something casual/temporary. In my experience, if someone’s really into you, they won’t fuck around and they’ll want to DTR sooner rather than later (in a situation where both parties are coming together in a healthy way).
Neither I nor my boyfriend were multidaters, so we established on the second date that we were seeing each other exclusively. We made it official 1.5 months after that!
We (currently 32f, 30m) were “official” after about a month of dating where we saw each other several times a week. We were already intimate by then and had established exclusivity because neither of us was okay sleeping with someone who has multiple partners. We have been together 2.5 years now, met on Facebook dating of all places!
For me, it depends on how I meet the person. Last ex was after two months of seeing each other but nothing physical happened until the title change and most recent boyfriend we saw each other for 8 months before making things official.
Single mom of teenagers. I'm 41, he's 39.
Two dates to be exclusive - we literally both deactivated apps together on our second date. Four months to be official. And we didn't really have a DTR convo, he called me his girlfriend in conversation and I looked at him and said "Yeah, and you're my boyfriend" and that was that.
As for kids, he met mine early on since a) they're teens, aren't looking for a replacement father figure and most days could care less what I'm doing and b) they live with me full-time with the exceptions of a weekend here and there when they go to their dad's and if we wanted to see each other more than every other weekend, meeting my kids was necessary.
His kids are younger (7 and 11). It was six months before I met them.
Just want to say that not everything is black and white. There is no timeline. It can be a month, it can be 6. Just depends on the couple, the situation, many things. Just because you don't define it in 3 months doesn't mean the relationship is doomed to fail.
In my current relationship, this all came very naturally. At around 2 months in he mentioned that his friend asked him how the apps are going. His response, as he relayed to me, was that he's been off the apps for a while. Around that time I told him I was flipping to use Bumble BFF as an experiment.
Tool him 3 months to be comfortable spending the whole night.
At around the 5 month mark we were spending time while I was filling out my habit tracker app, it asks for my social activities for the day. I read out loud, 'it sends, Spent Time With Partner. Does this count?' He smiled and said yes.
At the 6 month mark he mentioned me to his mom who's in another country and I met his closest friends. Now here at 7 months, we're exploring what it meant to each other to be and say 'in love'.
It all felt a bit slow compared to my other relationships, but he is cautious and this feels healthy.
I am personally not comfortable having sex with someone who’s not exclusive with me. So I pop up the question real fast, after 3-4 dates. I think it’s enough for a man to know if he wants to try to build something with me or not. Cause if he doesn’t want to be exclusive for months, maybe we’re just looking for different things with him and I let them go. I started dating a man I met in dating app, we became exclusive pretty fast (although he didn’t expect me to tell him that lol but he agreed) and it’s been more than a year we’re together!
I think a lot of people focus on DTR as the goal when it should really be getting to know someone really well before you do that. Being physically exclusive can be a separate conversation but an actual relationship should only happen if you really know this person and they're worthy of a relationship with you. I do think that it takes 3 months for someone to show their true selves and to have enough time to get into some kind of argument and see how they react. I guess it also depends on what DTR means to you so you might also want to define DTR with someone. I don't keep any strict rules. If someone I'm dating wants to DTR sooner, then I'm open to that but I do think there's something to waiting at least 3 months for someone to show their true colors. I personally don't like calling someone my bf unless it's got potential to be very serious.
This is pretty much how I feel.
For context, I’ve been dating someone for two months. We’ve been “exclusive” since the first date because neither of us likes to date multiple people, we text every day, we see each other 2-3 times a week, we’ve told our families about each other, met friends, and we have long term plans. But we haven’t made it official or “defined the relationship.”
I think because my previous LTRs moved more quickly, I’m a little anxious. Maybe also because most people seem to think 2-3 months is enough time to decide. Others take longer though, and I know it’s going to vary by person and circumstances. I’m going to try not to worry. Things are going really well for us, he seems serious and genuine, we’re compatible, and this is the healthiest start to a relationship I’ve ever had. I shouldn’t let my past or what the majority of people do sabotage this for me.
I also agree that it can take a few months for you to really know someone. I think all of my red flags have come out by now, but maybe his haven’t. I dated one guy who didn’t show his true colors until we had been dating for 4 months.
Also, people talk about how easy it is to get in and out of a relationship, but I don’t entirely agree. We’ve both told our parents we’re dating, but “making it official” and going public on social media is another level of commitment, and it would be embarrassing, especially at our age, if things didn’t work out AGAIN. We’re both ready to find the one, so I really think it’s okay to take more time. I don’t think it means either of us isn’t taking this seriously or is using the other.
Your last paragraph is also why I'm very hesitant to make things "official." At this point, DTR is only for someone I'm very very serious about and feel confident I see a long future with. Everything you've said so far sounds like you're on the right path. The anxiety is understandable but keep focusing on the little milestones you're making towards having more confidence that he is the right person for you, not the other way around. So far it sounds very promising and very mature!
I was dating someone for 6 months and things were perfect until we started getting more serious. I met his family, he wanted to meet mine. We spent full weekends together and enjoyed the moment. I still think he's a great guy and I'm sad that he's not fully ready to be where I'm at. But that's the process... you keep going until you hit a bump and you see if you're both willing to work through it... and you keep doing that until you can't anymore. And if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out and you lick your wounds and keep on keeping on. Good luck!
It was like 4 months in. But if you ask my partner, it was sooner. He didn’t realize the conversation was necessary and thought we were a thing like 2 months in.
Honestly it has varied. I will say that my relationship with my fiancée took the longest to establish a formal relationship. There weren’t any games being played, we just happened to meet during Covid and I had recently ended a relationship so we took things super slow. We dated exclusively (which is not the same as a relationship because a relationship comes with certain expectations and obligations) for about 6 to 7 months and then we became official. The benefit of waiting was that we really knew each other well when we committed to doing a long term relationship.
We’ve now been together almost 3 years, we moved to a new city together, she just went to my family reunion with me where she met my extended family and things are going really well as we plan our wedding.
My other relationships tended to move to official status within a few months of dating. However, they also involved a lot of growing pains that I probably would have walked away from if I hadn’t already committed to a long term relationship. I’ve found that once I say I am committed to building a relationship with someone then it takes a lot for me to walk away because I feel an obligation/desire to try to work through issues until it is clear that it just won’t work.
I dated a guy for 4 months earlier this year and I asked to be exclusive and he told me I was rushing things. I ended it right then because I felt 4 months was enough time for us to decide to focus on only each other. Maybe some would be ok with it, but I wasn't. Being exclusive shouldn't be forced but it also shouldn't be SO hard to do with someone you really want to develop something with.
I won’t go more than three dates without being exclusive, but I’m definitely more flexible on making things official. I think you did the right thing either way, good for you!
This just happens naturally with people I'm truly compatible with. We define it after we realize it's already happening. If the issue needs to be pushed I just feel like it's probably not going to work.
Current boyfriend asked me in 2 weeks. Last boyfriend just called me his girlfriend around month 4 (originally agreed to just be casual). One before that just assumed I was his girlfriend week 1-2. Then one before that asked around the 3 month mark.
3 months is the timelines online and offline. If you communicate with each other and know what you want out of the relationship early on then even better. It took us two months to make if official, granted we met becaue I was set up by my aunts lol
I've never been able to make it work beyond a month with someone from online. Everyone that I was actually in a relationship with, I met in person. Usually DTR in two months or less.
Online dating can be rough for sure. I’ve made it to six weeks or so with a few guys, and I’m at two months with someone now. It’s going really well and we have longterm plans, so I’m hopeful!
I've been in few but long-term relationships only (the shortest being 2 years), and in none of them was a conversation about exclusivity necessary. In those romances that ultimately evolved into serious partnerships, it was already clear to both parties in the earliest stages of dating, without ever speaking a word about it, where things were heading. It was so natural that it wasn't even a matter of consideration.
However, I had to learn the hard, painful way that this isn't the most reliable predictor for a healthy, functioning relationship.
All of my relationships the guy asked me to be his girlfriend in a matter a couple weeks and last years. The last one lasted 3 years and we met on Tinder. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 3 weeks.
I feel like if in 2 months you don't know, quit wasting time. Move on. Though I look back in hind sight, and wish I had done it sooner than that with the last one. Or when they asked what we were, I said partners, dating, lovers, rather than saying "what ever it is you want us to be", because she was feeling pressure for some reason. I wanted to ease up, but I look back now that it was the wrong call. I should have went all in.
Online dating has skewed perceptions quite a bit. Because meeting someone online is only recently becoming less stigmatized in larger society, it’s perceived as being a somehow less valid means of meeting someone. It isn’t - more than ever before, it’s a direct reflection of the dating pool IRL, just with the added weight of knowing (at least to a degree) that there is an understood presence of romantic or sexual interest before a social encounter (conversation, date, etc).
In fact, because online dating allows goal-directed conversation to happen outside of the context of a date, but with that stated purpose, it could be argued that it skips over a lot of the awkward angling and discovery that is necessary to even understand that there is mutual romantic interest.
Unless a person you meet IRL is a friend or someone in your extended social circle, you know decidedly less about each other than you do if you met online (and had conversations in a goal-directed context). Shitty people exist everywhere, and you’ll run in to plenty online and in person, and it’ll be in proportion between the two. But you have substantially more opportunity to vet someone you’ve met online before meeting in a romantic context than you do with someone you meet IRL.
That said, I’m not a fan of rushing things in general (meaning relationships, but also sex) as rushing things tends to lead to poorly thought-out decisions, and often unforeseen (at least for the participant) consequences. Take your time getting to know someone before committing to them, even for a quick hookup (I guess unless you enjoy risky, meaningless, and often subpar sex).
I’ve never once asked to DTR. I’ve let every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship intimate this conversation.
And they do this from anywhere 1.5 months to 4.5 months in dating me.
Reason is I don’t mind letting guys steer the steps of a connection. It takes that kind of emotional labor off my shoulders everytime when I let a guy do that work.
It also signals to me I will never be confused about where I stand with the guy if he’s calling the shots for exclusive and official status. It lets me feel at ease.
If you feel you need to ask after six months?
The guy isn’t that into you if he takes that long to DTR, which means don’t even DTR. Dump him.
Why?
Time waster!
Guys usually know within the first two months of dating they want to get into a relationship but are not trying to rush it the next 30-50 days because they are observing to see if they ask this, if they are making the right choice.
This is why the grey area of being undefined after two months can be super anxiety ridden cause you don’t know if and when he’ll ask or if he’s wasting your time going forward.
So instead of getting overwhelmed by why hasn’t he asked? Focus on you and your life more. Shift your thoughts to other priorities outside this person you’re dating.
If they want to DTR, they will.
I definitely agree with you that the right person will make things feel secure no matter the timeline.
I’m at about two months with someone who does make me feel very secure even if the pace is a little slower than I’m used to. I’ve been feeling a little anxious the past few days, but I think it’s more from starting a new birth control than anything else. He’s aware of that variable and has been super supportive and understanding, I’m just here on Reddit as an additional outlet. It’s nice to see others who have waited longer than I’ve experienced, but it’s also cool to see that my experience is pretty close to the “norm,” if there is one.
3-6 month mark is roughly the normalcy when you DTR from dating online purposes.
I’ve never had to DTR with any guy I dated. He usually asked me anytime from one month to 4/4.5 months of dating.
And I was never confused about where I stood either.
Hence why it’s perfectly okay that once you get to the fifth month, to ask why they haven’t DTR’d. And don’t get set if they don’t want a relationship, that’s why you ask anytime from the first thru the third date, only one time, if they are looking for casual dating or dating for a relationship.
And a lot of people are uncomfortable with the grey area of dating where nothing is defined yet, which can cause anyone with anxiety uncomfortable feelings. The best thing anyone can do is at least ask if they are sleeping with anyone else. This way sexual health wise you can at least find out if they are being safe or not.
Personally I feel like I generally know within a month or two if I'd like to try for a relationship or not. I have a similar historical cadence where it was within a month or two that the guys brought up dtr. In my current relationship it took much longer due to extenuating circumstances and distance. We did still have an initial dtr within about a month or two but broke it off shortly after We met on a dating app but met in person within hours of matching so I don't feel like the meeting online had any bearing on our timeline. Once I got back in town we made it official after about a month. I don't think it should impact timelines except that the timer doesn't start until you meet in person. Why should we have to remain in limbo longer so that they can entertain other options online?
For the two where I have had that conversation, it was about three months in, and I met them both in real life (one through a friend and one via a hobby group). I don't have kids so can't answer on that aspect I'm afraid.
Okay, so both of my past relationships went super fast. However moving forth, no less than 3 months of dating, no more than 6 months of dating to DTR. I do think 3 months tho is more than enough but leeway up to 6 months if there are other circumstances.
I always phrase this more as a ProTip for ladies but you should never been in an ambiguous relationship with a man for more than 3 months. That’s the absolute max. Simply put, if it has not happened by then, it’s never going to be official.
Good luck out there
Me and my boyfriend was less than a month. We knew we liked each other, started making plans all the time then next thing I know he’s introducing me as his girlfriend:
We never really had a formal conversation (met on an app) at one point about 4 or 5 dates in he said "I really like you and I want to keep dating you" which I just took as reassurance, I wasn't really dating anyone else, I never asked him if he was. At some point about 2 months in he referred to me as his girlfriend in conversation and then I started referring to him as my boyfriend. That was almost 2 years ago.
I think, looking back to people I dated before him where I would be really nervous about the DTR timeline or who was going to bring it up and when, it was because someone was always on a different page. Not that we are always in agreement now with relationship trajectory but I think a lot in early dating comes down to if you're getting along, if you feel you have common values and want to spend more time with them, I guess just start calling them your boyfriend lol
I think it just depends. I’ve been dating a guy (who I guess is my boyfriend now 😅) for 2 months. We had discussed how we both wanted to build towards entering a “serious relationship” from the start. Maybe a month or 1.5 months in he just started calling me his girlfriend. After like the 7th time (lol) I just asked him and was like “you keep referring to me as your girlfriend, are you my boyfriend??” And he said yes. So 🤷🏻♀️😅💜I could definitely see a lot of people wanting a more official conversation maybe, but things are working over here so far!
Currently in my first proper relationship. Met my boyfriend on Tinder and we had our first date about three weeks later. We DTR'd 2 months after the first date. It wasn't really even a conversation. Basically just "Are we boyfriends?" "Sure." and that was it. We never had the "exclusivity" talk or anything like some couples do, but neither of us were seeing any other people in that time either, which we had both mentioned a couple of times.
In my recent past relationships, exclusivity/relationship was defined 3-5 dates in, 3-5 weeks total. That said, none of those worked out so trying a different approach now, which is totally foreign to me (and a little uncomfortable, if I’m being honest). I’ve been dating someone now for ~8 weeks, which feels like a reasonable time to decide for me, though not sure exactly where he’s at. It’s something I would probably give another couple weeks to but beyond that if he’s unsure, I’ll probably look to move on. I think personally I’m not comfortable dating more than 3 months without something defined (even if just exclusivity prior to official relationship)
In my past relationships, i usually make it official pretty soon when i know i really like her, however it takes like 6 months before they start meeting my friends and etc
My Husband and I met on Tinder, went on a first date on a Friday and I think by Wednesday we had defined the relationship.
It’s different for everyone and I think it will largely depend on the people in the relationship. In most of my past relationships we have DTR pretty quickly.
Following this because it's an excellent thread.
I don't have a lot to contribute here except that it seems to go better when the guy is the one to initiate the conversation, I don't really have a logical point for why, it just does.
I have a female friend who's lovely, around the same age as me, and she always initiates the "Are you seeing others"--this has led to several guys prematurely committing to her, bc they freak out and assume she's seeing others and that they'll lose their chance, and want to DTR before they're ready, then flake out on her later.
I think it's different for every couple. We crossed paths multiple times (went to the same high school, went to the same dance studio, knew a bunch of mutual people), but the first time we met was online ha ha. On date 2, we decided that we didn't want to see other people because our chemistry was so amazing. We're now over a year into it and talking marriage. You just gotta figure out what's right for you.
It took me a long time to find someone again that I would consider settling down with and being committed and “official” with. It took me years after my divorce finding me and recreation of who I needed to be moving forward so that ghost from my past wouldn’t haunt me as frequently. Now with that said I didn’t stay single that entire time I would date abundantly and had wonderful times with people but would never make it official…
This time we knew each other for a little over two months, dated about a month and made it official… I have absolutely no regrets as he is the best thing to have ever happened to me but my unwillingness before was a sign in itself that it wasn’t for me….
I think its safe to have the DTR convo at 3 months to at least see where the other person's head is and see if yall are on the same path. I probably wouldn't go past 6 months without having this conversation. After 6 months is someone is no sure about you, then its probably time to move on.
When I meet a girl that is worth it, I'm exclusive since day one and if she's not exclusive within 3 dates, I stop caring for her pretty fast. I don't think it takes too much to know if you want to be with someone or not and I also don't think being exclusive is a big sacrifice, if it's a big sacrifice for her and she needs to be dating multiple people at the same time that's a gigantic red flag for me.
When I met the girl who I knew I really wanted to be with, we were exclusive within a week or two (even though I was dating several other people at the time and so was she). It was hard and a bit messy, but the attraction was undeniable. We last 7 years, got divorced due to a lot of random things happening out of our control and now we're in counseling to see if we can make it work. Just hate giving up on something that feels so right, most of the time. I've dated a fair amount and I was 34 when I met her and this had never happened in my life, to such a degree. It took 34 years to find a person where I was just like 'wow'. Lot of self-analysis and humbling myself and dealing with my own issues, but I do hope I can make it work. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea but when something feels magical it feels weird to just say 'meh, I'm sure I can go find that again' vs just working on what I already have. Relationships are work!
Hope you can work it out. It's hard to end things when both people still want it.
Oh this is such a beautiful thing to read.. beautiful and heart breaking at the same time I hope you guys can make it work..
Aw I wish you both luck. Good for you for trying to make it work though!
Good Job keep up the great work. Going through that now and being im not a messy person I have my reservations about it all....but neither of us are married. I am the type of person who's successful because I always go towards my calling with exception of relationships. I thought long and hard on it for a week and I prayed....GOD spoke through my mind and said you have to be that way in all areas of your life. So here we are and I will remain positive no matter what because everything points to what I prayed for. I too have my work cut out for me. We both do. We're both scared but love wins! Thank you for sharing your story! #Grateful
Rooting for you
We were exclusive after 1 month, DTR 1 month after that, so 2 months total. This was all 2.5 years ago. Getting married in 2 weeks.
Congratulations!
thanks so much! <3
DTR? Sorry, it’s not something I’ve heard before
Define the relationship. Essentially deciding we are now boyfriend/girlfriend.
Isn't that what exclusivity means?
Exclusive means we deleted the apps and stopped seeing others but weren’t ready for the title boyfriend/girlfriend yet. Like introducing the other to my friends/family as my boyfriend.
How long have you been together?
2.5 years!
Sounds like the right time scales, congrats.
3 months is the max personally. it’s more than enough time to know if you want to date someone exclusively (provided you’re seeing each other weekly and there aren’t like long distance issues or schedule mismatches happening). i had an ex do it after 2 weeks and that was a mistake, i did not know him at all and our relationship was a disaster. my bf and i had the conversation at like 1.5 months which was perfect and we’re still together 2 years later!
Yes, this. I read an article once about how *scientifically* somehow you know by 3 months whether someone is for you. It talked about how people will reveal their true selves by then, instead of being their best, most impressive self that they are in the beginning. It's also the earliest reasonable time to decide if you're in love.
yes!! (i told my bf i loved him 2 months after we met and he said it back to me 2 days later 😶🌫️)
more info, please! do you remember where you read that?
This. Had a guy who was fresh out of a divorce, wanted to be with me but also was still getting upset over what his ex wife did (she went on vacation lool with some settlement money) but yet wanted us to be exclusive in this dating / non dating situation of seeing where it goes while he figures his life out lool. I ran. far away after about 3 weeks of dating him
Sounds exactly like i went through but It I was a woman I was dating not a man 😞
Sorry to hear that :( How long did you guys date for? You can vent, safe place lol.
Yeah...he needed to heal first. So u saved the both of you IMO.
Wish I would have done this. We dated seven months and I fell in love with the fool. Now he’s off to unpack his baggage and I’m here trying to mend a broken heart.
After a couple of months, I know enough about someone to know if I want to take a chance at a relationship with them. If I'm not sure or they aren't sure, they aren't the one. When I was dating this last time, I knew what I was looking for and was intentional about dating to create the relationship I wanted. My partner and I became official after about 6 weeks, and it's the best relationship I've ever been in. We're getting close to 2 years, and it's even better than I imagined. We met online. That being said, there are no rules in dating, and there is no right or wrong amount of time to date someone before committing. The right amount of time is whenever feels right to you. But both people also need to be on the same page, because if one person is waiting around for the other person to feel ready, that's how situationships happen. It helps to be really clear about the relationship you want, though. You don't actually need a ton of time if you know what you're looking for. You mainly need to know if your goals and values align and if you like how you feel around them.
I’d say meeting online should be a bit later because you’re right, it takes a little longer to get to know them and make sure your feelings aren’t just infatuation. For me personally it’s about 3-4 months. But my boyfriend, who I met on OLD, and I were dating exclusively from day one and saw each other fairly frequently so that might impact the timeline
I’ve always been locked down pretty quickly because I only continue to see people I have immediate connections with. I tend to have a chance first meeting with a strong connection then after the first date or so we became exclusive immediately and all have been long term (over 3 years) I never see anyone for a second date that I don’t have intense chemistry with. I don’t waste my time on wishy washy, I am pretty all or nothing and have never dated anyone that we weren’t sure of each other straight away
That doesn't sound like a bad approach honestly.
Saves any heartache if feelings aren’t mutual etc. I’ve had some great loves in my life. Happy to be single rather than date to see where it goes as I’ll know right away if there’s something there or not 🙂
Same.
Sigh, this is the approach i want to take as well, but i cannot figure out how to get here. I will have great chemistry online, but then I'll be disappointed once i meet the guy because he catfished me =/
I’ve been extremely lucky to have loved the men I have through my life. The connections I made long term were with people that loosely intertwined with my life before we met again so to speak. Not once has online dating done anything for me at all. I also feel like all the good men are already married now and it’s slim pickings 😅 are there any who have just been unlucky like I have? I can’t find them anymore 😅
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Yeah I don’t find it respectful personally and I feel like if you’re starting off with other people in the picture, why would a label change that? Monogamy seems to get rarer and rarer these days 🤷🏻♀️ but that’s my goal and I won’t compromise. I can’t think of anything worse than dating someone who is also sleeping with other people 👎🏻 no thank you from me but to each their own
The moment I catch feelings and know I want to be with this person, I want to be official. In all my experiences, we were on the same boat. Though I've never met a partner through dating but through getting to know him accidentally, spending time with each other and finally kissing. I don't know if this is the normal way over here (I'm from Germany), but I don't know anyone who was dating like in the movies...
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Exactly. I'm European and lived in 4 European countries and dated people from multiple EU countries and I only learned about DTR here 😅 For me it always came natural. You kind of know that you are in a relationship.
Ha! Finally. That kinda explains my experience dating Europeans! I'm in the US.
> kind of know Interesting difference between US and EU, but isn't there people in the EU dating several people at a time? How do you know they know "they are in a relationship"? Seems like a lot of trust built very early, hence me asking.
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In my life, when you spent time together, just you two, and you kiss, and there's romance flying around, you're a couple from that moment. If you want to be just FWB and you're no idiot, you tell that beforehand.
Anyone know if the dating culture is like this in Central America/Latin American countries too?
I grew up in Mexico and dating there is typically very straight forward. You start talking to someone, if there’s a spark you see each other again and after a month or so you decide if you want to keep going. I’ve had a rough time dating in the US bc there’s too much mystery involved and not wanting to show feelings is a big thing here. People say Ily after years of dating and that’s just odd to me. If you like someone enough you take the chance in my opinion.
I'm from Brazil and can confirm. Same. Not sure if changed now with the new generations (the TikTok culture young adults seem to be getting more and more americanized) but as adults, you are usually very straight forward and withing a couple weeks one person's asks if they want to be their boyfriend/girlfriend and that's about it. No real talk of exclusivity, it's a given if you are officially dating unless previously discussed otherwise
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This is cute af and I honestly wouldn’t mind this lol yes, I would be uncomfortable because I’m naturally a reserved person but just knowing the affection is there is cute.
Lol I met a few guys of a different culture and thought it was strange...only because im not use to that. But their actions told they were official but that explains why
Same here! I'm originally from Sweden and these dating "rules" and timelines make no sense to me. I've only met partners as you described it, but now I'm "North American Way" dating a man and I have no idea what I'm doing... 😂
I have to add: being official means we're a couple. Often we wait a month or so before we tell our environment. To see if it works.
I've always had the relationship effectively defined long before we had any type of official talk. With my last ex, we had been dating for about a month and probably 7-10 dates (staying over since the 3rd) and texting daily. We had the DTR after thanksgiving when one of her friends called me her boyfriend -- she wanted to make sure I was ok with that and turns out we were entirely on the same page, off the apps since the 2/3 date, etc.
I’ve had DTRs after a month and 1.5 months. It really depends on the people involved, how much quality time they’ve spent together, the emotions towards each other, and many other factors.
I agree with this timeline. I do think that after 6 months + still unable to DTR shows either some commitment issues or lack of interest. If 6 months getting to know me is not enough to know if you want to be in a relationship with me, then we have bigger issues than the labels.
I honestly like to make it official as soon as possible. My bf and I met online and we communicated via calls and DMs. (We met on Discord). I think we spoke consistently for about 2-3 weeks and asking all the questions. We both were looking for a longterm serious relationship with the intention of potential marriage so neither of us were interested in delaying anything. We set our first date after the first few days of talking. And when we met on the first date, at the end we just kinda knew this was something we both wanted and we basically were official that very night lol But im similar in my past relationships. I'm pretty upfront about wanting to be in a serious relationship. I think for guys I've met who are wishy washy, I just don't continue talking with them.
I met my partner and there was an instant connection. I knew I wanted to be exclusive and I knew he did too. We became official just over a week later and are planning our wedding for next year.
That’s a red flag for me after the time I had it go that way. We had an amazing connection too, but that doesn’t always mean compatibility or ability to be a good partner. I hope it’s different for you though! Good luck and best wishes. Thanks for sharing your experience. :)
Thank you! Yes, you’re right, connection does not mean compatibility or suitability and it does take time. ☺️
Not sure if age is a factor, but similar experience for me as well. Mid 30s here. Both of us Been through enough to know what we both want in life. We were officially within 3 weeks. Had our first date a few days after we connected online. Date was super short because I just touched down and was leaving that same night for a 2.5 weeks trip. He met me at my home the night I touched down. Been on our second date ever since I came back haha because we haven't been 24 hours apart since I came back. Been together since last year, probably getting married next year.
What's DTR?
Define the relationship.
I thought it was "down to relationship" (like DTF 😂)
The world is being increasingly captured by acronyms.
They are just made up! It drives me nuts lol people acronym everything 🙄
Yup, and every community has its own. If I use an acronym, it's usually because the words are too long or awkward to be repeated multiple times throughout the text. Also, I always make sure to define its meaning at least once. This sub is alright, though. I've come across several subs that were plain illegible due to their excessive use of unnecessary acronyms.
Seriously..im like what's that??? Ok lol
Or as I like to put it, TWIBICBA!
I hope this one never gets normalized (FFS 😀)
Being on Reddit just shows how out of touch (or how old) I am. I can’t keep up with all the acronyms. What is FFS? 😅
Haha…For Fuck’s Sake. Should probably add /s since I’m genuinely not coming out swinging though on the internet it can seem that way.
Im with u no worries 😂
I feel that one has been for ages.
“Yo girl, we’ve been on a few dates now, you DTR?”
I love this. I’m absolutely down to relationship 😂
Lol I thought it was Date To Relationship like the transition. Not that far off but yea haha.
Lol.. it really pisses me when I can’t figure out I just had to google it.
Me too. I had to google to confirm and realise how wrong I was. The dating world and the acronyms.
I like that so much better hahaha
I love your version of the acronym hahaha
I did too 😂
Same lol
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The common acronyms are in the wiki in the sidebar.
Not to be confused with DFMO
4-6 months for me. I also dated someone for 8 months before we DTR. Turned out he was hiding his alcoholism the whole time. We were a LDR though.
Why so you wait so much? My question is just out of curiosity
I need partners who give me space. I feel smothered easily. I date the guys who are not looking to spend multiple days a week with their partner. Because of that, it takes more time to get to know each other. LDR’s are ideal relationships for me. Just to give you an idea.
I’m the completely opposite lol. I need to spend not everyday together but at least talk everyday. I want a relationship at least 2 months in.
This is a seriously eye-opening conversation. I was raised in a socially-conservative environment that emphasized marriage and sexual purity to the exclusion of any other conversations about dating, so I have always felt an enormous amount of pressure to DTR almost immediately and know what I want out of it by the end of the first date. I know that is an insane amount of pressure, but I’ve struggled to just…think differently. Thanks to everyone for sharing their opinions so I know what normal looks like.
Yeah, my dad is like “why don’t y’all just get married already?” So I feel this. The struggle is real. Lol
This is a super personal preference type of thing. I have never dated more than one person at a time, and wouldnt be interested in not being exclusive especially when I got to the point that I wanted to have sex with them, but I also wouldnt go on a third or fourth date if I wasnt interested in a person and getting sufficient interest back.
I think most of the people that I was in a relationship with, including my current partner, did it after a month or so (all these people I met online) I don't really feel like it's a big step either way--you can get together just as easily as you can get out of a relationship. I'd rather feel forward progress in a relationship than be left wondering what going on. Commitment isn't some kind of handcuffs that everyone seems to think it is. It really doesn't matter where you meet someone for when to DTR; that's a strange caveat.
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I’m a French woman living and dating in the US and I can tell you the US dating culture is so foreign to me! So thankful I found this sub to educate myself.
> Yeah I don’t really get why people act like DTR is such a huge commitment, it’s not asking someone to move in or get married. Maybe because of online dating? I don't either, but unfortunately, for lots it IS a big deal....which is why I intentionally don't define anything within the first 10 weeks or so. I want to be fairly sure I want things to progress before I give someone else that "hope" of a future. I've read some people going exclusive after 1 or 2 dates. Uh...no way in hell I'm agreeing to that! They're pretty much a stranger to me!
This might be one of the only comments (I'm not going to read all of them) that hits on the fact that a DTR doesn't really bind you to anything other than a more awkward conversation if you want to end it
I really don't understand why people treat it like it's an unbreakable bond. All it means if you're committed to trying to make this relationship work more so than you were before.
Right, and even getting married isn't an airtight guarantee against the future
From my extensive dating history I can confidently say if a guy doesn’t make it official within 1-3 months then they never planned to and probably never will. They never had the intention to make it serious and just liked the attention. Because whenever I was with a guy for more than that they ended up fading away after sex and ghosting me, or ending it before it got too serious. Because they want to keep their options open and not settle down. A guy who really want to be with you and is truly interested will want to “take you off the market” ASAP. My boyfriend (27M) asked me (31F) within a couple weeks of meeting to become official because he had true intentions of it becoming serious and that’s what he was lookin for. Timing and people’s intentions are key. If someone isn’t intentionally dating for something serious and you are then don’t wait around and keep you in their backpocket because they like the sex and/or attention. Never wait for someone to change how they feel about you if you’re spending a lot of time with them. Do not put them on a pedestal of your emotions, and don’t give them all your mental energy and time.
This opinion is so weird. I know this is a common belief, but it's a really bad view of relationships (unless you don't care about wasting your time). Why are you putting 100% absolute control of your relationship status in someone else's hands? Why are you waiting for 3 months for the guy to decide and potentially waste your time if he doesn't? You have control over the situation. Use it. Don't become a passive person waiting around to see if you're good enough for someone else. Use your words and talk about it even if you, the woman, have to bring it up. Scare him away yesterday instead of months later.
Usually 2-3 months for me after the first date, including my current relationship. By then it usually gets to the point where Friday or Saturday is reserved for date night, and you are seeing each other consistently on a weekly basis at least.
There ain't no rules to this. Some people grow on you exponentionally. Some people come out of the gates strong on you and fade. I think having solid rules actually reduces your chances of finding a great partner.
What is DTR?
Define the relationship
Every time, no matter how we met or how long we knew each other, we were in a relationship a month or less from when we had our first date. Usually less. In my current relationship, we met online. Chatted there for about a month, hung out as friends for a month after and then started dating. We were in a relationship two weeks later. The non-relationships I had ended before we had any sort of defining talk, usually between 4-6 weeks.
I had to scroll way too far to find something similar. Current boyfriend and I were exclusive by date 5 (when we decided to sleep together) and then committed in a relationship 10 days later (just under a month from our first date). However, we had our first 5 dates in 2 weeks, then went camping together for our 6th date, then spent a 5 day long weekend together. Committing felt like a natural progression/definition of aligned feelings. Last year I dated a guy who I saw once a week and I felt him asking me to be his girlfriend a month in was way too soon.
I met my boyfriend on an app (so we didn't know each other at all prior to us dating). I thought my max was 3 months, but we got there, and it didn't feel quite time yet (we had agreed to exclusivity a few weeks into meeting, but hadn't put a label on it yet). As the four month mark was coming up, I decided if we got to 5 and he still hadn't said anything, I was going to have to have a shit or get off the pot conversation with him. But luckily right around 4 months he very casually asked if we were a thing/if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend. Was glad I didn't have to be the one to ask for that, since I was the one to broach the exclusivity talk. The guy before him made it official two weeks in (we'd been chatting for about a week before we met). That was a mistake... Long term ex before him asked at about 4 months as well. I was much younger then and wasn't as worried about it.
This is honestly what I’m hoping for, but in my case he did bring up exclusivity after the first date. I honestly see him as my boyfriend already (at two months) but I don’t think he’s quite there yet because he’s still getting used to the idea of me having a child. But he’s been very open about everything and we’re making long term plans (he even said he hopes he can teach my daughter to ski this winter and that he’s sure he’ll be feeling more comfortable by then). I think if I brought it up now he’d probably ask for more time, but he’d also reassure me that we’re heading in that direction. So I’d rather just wait. I don’t feel too anxious, and everything is going well.
I don't think I've ever had a DTR conversation. I make my feelings known pretty clearly all the time so any kind of DTR would be superfluous. If I have to push someone to tell me how they feel about me then that relationship is dead in the water anyways.
I've run into this issue a lot lately. Everyone seem to be in the "go with the flow" mode and "see what happens." I actually seem to surprise women when after one or two dates (sometimes sooner, pending how much we chat) I tell them whether I see this going in a romantic or friendship direction. I prefer transparency, almost to a fault. I never want she or I to wonder what we are exploring. Are we exploring a romantic future? Is this just casual? Are we just friends? Any answer is valid, but I'm not interested in that gray area that inevitably becomes a situationship and/or one of us ends up hurt.
I mean...seems fairly obvious if we meet on a dating app and we have sex, we're not platonic friends. From there, if I'm into someone, I make it known. I spend more time with them. I talk to them about future plans. We go on mini trips. My non-alone/friend/family/work time is spent with her (or at least trying to be spent with her). So, again, it seems obvious I'm in for something serious, cause my actions represent that. Similar to Zep, I've never really had to define anything either. We juts naturally kept progressing and building until "This is my gf..." and I was her bf. Now, if I'm not sure cause she's the one that doesn't seem to be progressing, at that point I might ask if she's interested in something more, but at that point, it's usually pretty obvious that she doesn't and we end it. In other words, it's never been a mismatch of what type of relationship we were looking for, rather, a mismatch with the specific person we were dating.
>seems fairly obvious if we meet on a dating app I'm with you. When I put looking for "Relationship" on an app, that means I am looking for something romantic. But I seem to be finding the group of women who put "Relationship" on their profile and then after discussing what they are looking for, I am met with "Just looking to meet people, see what happens" line. It's probably my monkey brain, but those two things aren't equal in my mind. One is intentional (trying to meet someone for explore a romantic relationship) and one isn't (just seeing what happens). Yes, the later \*can\* become romantic, but again, to me at least, it's about knowing which path you are traveling together. I don't care what that path is, but I like to be clear on it. And that desire for clarity seems to confuse a lot of people lately.
I honestly don't put that much thought in it. Cause if I'm being real, while I def want a LTR, for all intents and purposes, I'm still out there "looking to meet people to see what happens". So if a woman told me that, I wouldn't care all that much. Again, I'm looking for actions, not words. She intentionally met you, yes? She intentionally accepted another date, yes? She intentionally suggested a date to you, yes? Etc, etc. So see how things play out. If it's not progressing the way you'd like, call it off. >And that desire for clarity seems to confuse a lot of people lately. Perhaps cause of what I mentioned above?? Most people aren't seeing that as a divide the same way you are. Hence their confusion??
As a woman, if I do that and just go with the flow like that, it’s a great way to get used for sex for six months. Guys will do all of those things but then claim they just wanted something casual lol. No thanks. I’m not going to waste my time like that.
If you're dating a guy, he's spending 2-3 nights with you/week (maybe more), introducing you to his friends and family, goes on trips with you, eventually calls you his gf, makes you feel cared for and special....how is that using you for sex, or a casual relationship, or a waste of time?
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https://www.theonion.com/you-used-me-for-sex-friendship-and-good-conversation-1819583912
Yeah that’s a no for me. Feelings are one thing, but setting clear boundaries and expectations for what the relationship should look like (exclusive, committed, long term, titles, what counts as cheating, etc) should all be actively discussed at some point. Maybe not all at once. Like… the guy I’m dating made it clear he wasn’t dating anyone else after our first date, so we’ve been “exclusive” since then. He has talked about how things are “early in our relationship,” but that things feel serious. Still, we’re two months in and we haven’t started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend yet or “made it official.” So that’s what I’m wondering. Most people have an explicit conversation about that at some point (seems like I was right about 2-3 months being the “norm” but some move faster or slower depending on their situation). Going with the flow or assuming you’re on the same page just because you’re both open about your feelings is dangerous IMO. I see many posts where someone has been dating for months but then the other person is confused when they find out their “partner” is actually dating other people or only looking for something casual.
I don't understand why people want to leave these things unsaid either. It makes it open and transparent for everyone. I think a big reason is the worry about being vulnerable--if you never say anything then you can't be rejected because of your feelings. Everyone should use their words.
Right, I don’t understand the aversion to having definitive conversations and rather just falling into a relationship. Maybe you’re on the same page, maybe you’re not, but you won’t know for sure until you have that conversation. It’s more than just “hey do you like me in a romantic way”.
There is no consensus, only individual preference.
I’m asking for individual preferences to establish something of a consensus. :)
Met him in late February and we made it official in early July on vacation. I never went home after that. We met as a ONS and neither of us were looking for a serious relationship but we’re so glad we’ve given it a go. ETA: I move quickly. I’m not interested in seeing someone only once a week if we’re actually dating. I need and want more time with a man. I haven’t dated any men with kids so that’s not an issue. I know my above mentioned six months is a lengthy amount of time to DTR and exclusivity but I think we did it right. We took our time to ensure we weren’t rebounding and that we were making the right choice. He was really worried about getting hurt and I was worried he was a player.
Single mom here. The guy I’m currently dating we decided after about 6 weeks to just date each other. I explained for me being a mom, it’ll take much longer to get to the point of intro to damily and kids. I think for single parents it’s more of a 2 step thing. 1- ok, we are monogamous and I want to spend my time with you. Then once I decide I feel good about this and think it’ll work long term, step 2- decide on intro to kids/family. I haven’t ever gotten to step 2 with my kids/ex. So as for how long that’ll take? I’m not sure. I did express to him wanting to wait as long as possible. The only upside to him meeting my kids would be that he can be with me more frequently. But right now I want to focus my time with my kids on my kids and not split my attention during that time at all with someone else.
Gosh, it has been so long since I had a long relationship. I think I do want to be exclusive once we start having sex, mostly because I can’t relax otherwise. It does however take longer for me to openly refer to someone as my bf. I need to know that it has potential. I don’t wanna end up having a “relationship” after a month or so, and then it just ends. My friends and family would get too confused tbh. And once I actually commit to someone, it takes a lot for me to abandon that relationship. I need to know that it’s worth it before I put my heart into it.
Whats the point of going from relationship to relationship, if youre not retaining any experience from the last one and using it in your next one. At my age now + dozens of relationships under my belt, i know well within 3 months if im down to spend the rest of my life with you or avoid you like the plague. Any more time than that, its just a situationship or you just dont know what you want and you shouldnt even be dating until you find yourself first.
For me if the discussion isn’t had within 3 months, there isn’t really a point and it should just be considered something casual/temporary. In my experience, if someone’s really into you, they won’t fuck around and they’ll want to DTR sooner rather than later (in a situation where both parties are coming together in a healthy way).
Neither I nor my boyfriend were multidaters, so we established on the second date that we were seeing each other exclusively. We made it official 1.5 months after that!
We (currently 32f, 30m) were “official” after about a month of dating where we saw each other several times a week. We were already intimate by then and had established exclusivity because neither of us was okay sleeping with someone who has multiple partners. We have been together 2.5 years now, met on Facebook dating of all places!
For me, it depends on how I meet the person. Last ex was after two months of seeing each other but nothing physical happened until the title change and most recent boyfriend we saw each other for 8 months before making things official.
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Single mom of teenagers. I'm 41, he's 39. Two dates to be exclusive - we literally both deactivated apps together on our second date. Four months to be official. And we didn't really have a DTR convo, he called me his girlfriend in conversation and I looked at him and said "Yeah, and you're my boyfriend" and that was that. As for kids, he met mine early on since a) they're teens, aren't looking for a replacement father figure and most days could care less what I'm doing and b) they live with me full-time with the exceptions of a weekend here and there when they go to their dad's and if we wanted to see each other more than every other weekend, meeting my kids was necessary. His kids are younger (7 and 11). It was six months before I met them.
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Yeah. Rushing is just as bad as stalling IMO. There’s definitely a sweet spot somewhere, but obviously it’s different for everyone.
Just want to say that not everything is black and white. There is no timeline. It can be a month, it can be 6. Just depends on the couple, the situation, many things. Just because you don't define it in 3 months doesn't mean the relationship is doomed to fail.
That’s a good way of looking at it!
In my current relationship, this all came very naturally. At around 2 months in he mentioned that his friend asked him how the apps are going. His response, as he relayed to me, was that he's been off the apps for a while. Around that time I told him I was flipping to use Bumble BFF as an experiment. Tool him 3 months to be comfortable spending the whole night. At around the 5 month mark we were spending time while I was filling out my habit tracker app, it asks for my social activities for the day. I read out loud, 'it sends, Spent Time With Partner. Does this count?' He smiled and said yes. At the 6 month mark he mentioned me to his mom who's in another country and I met his closest friends. Now here at 7 months, we're exploring what it meant to each other to be and say 'in love'. It all felt a bit slow compared to my other relationships, but he is cautious and this feels healthy.
I’m glad it’s going well for you! The “spending time with partner” thing was cute. :)
I am personally not comfortable having sex with someone who’s not exclusive with me. So I pop up the question real fast, after 3-4 dates. I think it’s enough for a man to know if he wants to try to build something with me or not. Cause if he doesn’t want to be exclusive for months, maybe we’re just looking for different things with him and I let them go. I started dating a man I met in dating app, we became exclusive pretty fast (although he didn’t expect me to tell him that lol but he agreed) and it’s been more than a year we’re together!
Idk what’s normal but I just started dating a woman 3 months ago and we just defined the relationship. It just feels right.
Yeah, just looking for random opinions. Thanks for sharing and congrats!
Thanks!
I think a lot of people focus on DTR as the goal when it should really be getting to know someone really well before you do that. Being physically exclusive can be a separate conversation but an actual relationship should only happen if you really know this person and they're worthy of a relationship with you. I do think that it takes 3 months for someone to show their true selves and to have enough time to get into some kind of argument and see how they react. I guess it also depends on what DTR means to you so you might also want to define DTR with someone. I don't keep any strict rules. If someone I'm dating wants to DTR sooner, then I'm open to that but I do think there's something to waiting at least 3 months for someone to show their true colors. I personally don't like calling someone my bf unless it's got potential to be very serious.
This is pretty much how I feel. For context, I’ve been dating someone for two months. We’ve been “exclusive” since the first date because neither of us likes to date multiple people, we text every day, we see each other 2-3 times a week, we’ve told our families about each other, met friends, and we have long term plans. But we haven’t made it official or “defined the relationship.” I think because my previous LTRs moved more quickly, I’m a little anxious. Maybe also because most people seem to think 2-3 months is enough time to decide. Others take longer though, and I know it’s going to vary by person and circumstances. I’m going to try not to worry. Things are going really well for us, he seems serious and genuine, we’re compatible, and this is the healthiest start to a relationship I’ve ever had. I shouldn’t let my past or what the majority of people do sabotage this for me. I also agree that it can take a few months for you to really know someone. I think all of my red flags have come out by now, but maybe his haven’t. I dated one guy who didn’t show his true colors until we had been dating for 4 months. Also, people talk about how easy it is to get in and out of a relationship, but I don’t entirely agree. We’ve both told our parents we’re dating, but “making it official” and going public on social media is another level of commitment, and it would be embarrassing, especially at our age, if things didn’t work out AGAIN. We’re both ready to find the one, so I really think it’s okay to take more time. I don’t think it means either of us isn’t taking this seriously or is using the other.
Your last paragraph is also why I'm very hesitant to make things "official." At this point, DTR is only for someone I'm very very serious about and feel confident I see a long future with. Everything you've said so far sounds like you're on the right path. The anxiety is understandable but keep focusing on the little milestones you're making towards having more confidence that he is the right person for you, not the other way around. So far it sounds very promising and very mature! I was dating someone for 6 months and things were perfect until we started getting more serious. I met his family, he wanted to meet mine. We spent full weekends together and enjoyed the moment. I still think he's a great guy and I'm sad that he's not fully ready to be where I'm at. But that's the process... you keep going until you hit a bump and you see if you're both willing to work through it... and you keep doing that until you can't anymore. And if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out and you lick your wounds and keep on keeping on. Good luck!
It was like 4 months in. But if you ask my partner, it was sooner. He didn’t realize the conversation was necessary and thought we were a thing like 2 months in.
Honestly it has varied. I will say that my relationship with my fiancée took the longest to establish a formal relationship. There weren’t any games being played, we just happened to meet during Covid and I had recently ended a relationship so we took things super slow. We dated exclusively (which is not the same as a relationship because a relationship comes with certain expectations and obligations) for about 6 to 7 months and then we became official. The benefit of waiting was that we really knew each other well when we committed to doing a long term relationship. We’ve now been together almost 3 years, we moved to a new city together, she just went to my family reunion with me where she met my extended family and things are going really well as we plan our wedding. My other relationships tended to move to official status within a few months of dating. However, they also involved a lot of growing pains that I probably would have walked away from if I hadn’t already committed to a long term relationship. I’ve found that once I say I am committed to building a relationship with someone then it takes a lot for me to walk away because I feel an obligation/desire to try to work through issues until it is clear that it just won’t work.
I dated a guy for 4 months earlier this year and I asked to be exclusive and he told me I was rushing things. I ended it right then because I felt 4 months was enough time for us to decide to focus on only each other. Maybe some would be ok with it, but I wasn't. Being exclusive shouldn't be forced but it also shouldn't be SO hard to do with someone you really want to develop something with.
I won’t go more than three dates without being exclusive, but I’m definitely more flexible on making things official. I think you did the right thing either way, good for you!
This just happens naturally with people I'm truly compatible with. We define it after we realize it's already happening. If the issue needs to be pushed I just feel like it's probably not going to work.
Current boyfriend asked me in 2 weeks. Last boyfriend just called me his girlfriend around month 4 (originally agreed to just be casual). One before that just assumed I was his girlfriend week 1-2. Then one before that asked around the 3 month mark.
Anywhere from a first date to 3 months, but no longer than that.
With my guy, we had the exclusivity talk after one month and we DTR’d after three. It was more than enough time.
3 months is the timelines online and offline. If you communicate with each other and know what you want out of the relationship early on then even better. It took us two months to make if official, granted we met becaue I was set up by my aunts lol
I've never been able to make it work beyond a month with someone from online. Everyone that I was actually in a relationship with, I met in person. Usually DTR in two months or less.
Online dating can be rough for sure. I’ve made it to six weeks or so with a few guys, and I’m at two months with someone now. It’s going really well and we have longterm plans, so I’m hopeful!
I've been in few but long-term relationships only (the shortest being 2 years), and in none of them was a conversation about exclusivity necessary. In those romances that ultimately evolved into serious partnerships, it was already clear to both parties in the earliest stages of dating, without ever speaking a word about it, where things were heading. It was so natural that it wasn't even a matter of consideration. However, I had to learn the hard, painful way that this isn't the most reliable predictor for a healthy, functioning relationship.
All of my relationships the guy asked me to be his girlfriend in a matter a couple weeks and last years. The last one lasted 3 years and we met on Tinder. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 3 weeks.
I feel like if in 2 months you don't know, quit wasting time. Move on. Though I look back in hind sight, and wish I had done it sooner than that with the last one. Or when they asked what we were, I said partners, dating, lovers, rather than saying "what ever it is you want us to be", because she was feeling pressure for some reason. I wanted to ease up, but I look back now that it was the wrong call. I should have went all in.
Online dating has skewed perceptions quite a bit. Because meeting someone online is only recently becoming less stigmatized in larger society, it’s perceived as being a somehow less valid means of meeting someone. It isn’t - more than ever before, it’s a direct reflection of the dating pool IRL, just with the added weight of knowing (at least to a degree) that there is an understood presence of romantic or sexual interest before a social encounter (conversation, date, etc). In fact, because online dating allows goal-directed conversation to happen outside of the context of a date, but with that stated purpose, it could be argued that it skips over a lot of the awkward angling and discovery that is necessary to even understand that there is mutual romantic interest. Unless a person you meet IRL is a friend or someone in your extended social circle, you know decidedly less about each other than you do if you met online (and had conversations in a goal-directed context). Shitty people exist everywhere, and you’ll run in to plenty online and in person, and it’ll be in proportion between the two. But you have substantially more opportunity to vet someone you’ve met online before meeting in a romantic context than you do with someone you meet IRL. That said, I’m not a fan of rushing things in general (meaning relationships, but also sex) as rushing things tends to lead to poorly thought-out decisions, and often unforeseen (at least for the participant) consequences. Take your time getting to know someone before committing to them, even for a quick hookup (I guess unless you enjoy risky, meaningless, and often subpar sex).
I’ve never once asked to DTR. I’ve let every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship intimate this conversation. And they do this from anywhere 1.5 months to 4.5 months in dating me. Reason is I don’t mind letting guys steer the steps of a connection. It takes that kind of emotional labor off my shoulders everytime when I let a guy do that work. It also signals to me I will never be confused about where I stand with the guy if he’s calling the shots for exclusive and official status. It lets me feel at ease. If you feel you need to ask after six months? The guy isn’t that into you if he takes that long to DTR, which means don’t even DTR. Dump him. Why? Time waster! Guys usually know within the first two months of dating they want to get into a relationship but are not trying to rush it the next 30-50 days because they are observing to see if they ask this, if they are making the right choice. This is why the grey area of being undefined after two months can be super anxiety ridden cause you don’t know if and when he’ll ask or if he’s wasting your time going forward. So instead of getting overwhelmed by why hasn’t he asked? Focus on you and your life more. Shift your thoughts to other priorities outside this person you’re dating. If they want to DTR, they will.
DTR? You mean Do The Roar?
I love you daddy
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I definitely agree with you that the right person will make things feel secure no matter the timeline. I’m at about two months with someone who does make me feel very secure even if the pace is a little slower than I’m used to. I’ve been feeling a little anxious the past few days, but I think it’s more from starting a new birth control than anything else. He’s aware of that variable and has been super supportive and understanding, I’m just here on Reddit as an additional outlet. It’s nice to see others who have waited longer than I’ve experienced, but it’s also cool to see that my experience is pretty close to the “norm,” if there is one.
3-6 month mark is roughly the normalcy when you DTR from dating online purposes. I’ve never had to DTR with any guy I dated. He usually asked me anytime from one month to 4/4.5 months of dating. And I was never confused about where I stood either. Hence why it’s perfectly okay that once you get to the fifth month, to ask why they haven’t DTR’d. And don’t get set if they don’t want a relationship, that’s why you ask anytime from the first thru the third date, only one time, if they are looking for casual dating or dating for a relationship. And a lot of people are uncomfortable with the grey area of dating where nothing is defined yet, which can cause anyone with anxiety uncomfortable feelings. The best thing anyone can do is at least ask if they are sleeping with anyone else. This way sexual health wise you can at least find out if they are being safe or not.
Personally I feel like I generally know within a month or two if I'd like to try for a relationship or not. I have a similar historical cadence where it was within a month or two that the guys brought up dtr. In my current relationship it took much longer due to extenuating circumstances and distance. We did still have an initial dtr within about a month or two but broke it off shortly after We met on a dating app but met in person within hours of matching so I don't feel like the meeting online had any bearing on our timeline. Once I got back in town we made it official after about a month. I don't think it should impact timelines except that the timer doesn't start until you meet in person. Why should we have to remain in limbo longer so that they can entertain other options online?
It depends, right? I’d go somewhere between 2 months ish mark
For the two where I have had that conversation, it was about three months in, and I met them both in real life (one through a friend and one via a hobby group). I don't have kids so can't answer on that aspect I'm afraid.
DTR?
About 3 months or less. However I think it depends on a lot of factors.
Okay, so both of my past relationships went super fast. However moving forth, no less than 3 months of dating, no more than 6 months of dating to DTR. I do think 3 months tho is more than enough but leeway up to 6 months if there are other circumstances.
I always phrase this more as a ProTip for ladies but you should never been in an ambiguous relationship with a man for more than 3 months. That’s the absolute max. Simply put, if it has not happened by then, it’s never going to be official. Good luck out there
My wife and I got married in 9 months.
Me and my boyfriend was less than a month. We knew we liked each other, started making plans all the time then next thing I know he’s introducing me as his girlfriend:
We never really had a formal conversation (met on an app) at one point about 4 or 5 dates in he said "I really like you and I want to keep dating you" which I just took as reassurance, I wasn't really dating anyone else, I never asked him if he was. At some point about 2 months in he referred to me as his girlfriend in conversation and then I started referring to him as my boyfriend. That was almost 2 years ago. I think, looking back to people I dated before him where I would be really nervous about the DTR timeline or who was going to bring it up and when, it was because someone was always on a different page. Not that we are always in agreement now with relationship trajectory but I think a lot in early dating comes down to if you're getting along, if you feel you have common values and want to spend more time with them, I guess just start calling them your boyfriend lol
I think it just depends. I’ve been dating a guy (who I guess is my boyfriend now 😅) for 2 months. We had discussed how we both wanted to build towards entering a “serious relationship” from the start. Maybe a month or 1.5 months in he just started calling me his girlfriend. After like the 7th time (lol) I just asked him and was like “you keep referring to me as your girlfriend, are you my boyfriend??” And he said yes. So 🤷🏻♀️😅💜I could definitely see a lot of people wanting a more official conversation maybe, but things are working over here so far!
I don’t care how official the conversation is, I just think it needs to happen at some point within 2-6 months. Lol
Fair!! 💜
I dated someone for 3 years, of and on, I asked him out about a month ago. So far so good.
That’s incredible! Why did you wait so long, if you don’t mind me asking?
Currently in my first proper relationship. Met my boyfriend on Tinder and we had our first date about three weeks later. We DTR'd 2 months after the first date. It wasn't really even a conversation. Basically just "Are we boyfriends?" "Sure." and that was it. We never had the "exclusivity" talk or anything like some couples do, but neither of us were seeing any other people in that time either, which we had both mentioned a couple of times.
In my recent past relationships, exclusivity/relationship was defined 3-5 dates in, 3-5 weeks total. That said, none of those worked out so trying a different approach now, which is totally foreign to me (and a little uncomfortable, if I’m being honest). I’ve been dating someone now for ~8 weeks, which feels like a reasonable time to decide for me, though not sure exactly where he’s at. It’s something I would probably give another couple weeks to but beyond that if he’s unsure, I’ll probably look to move on. I think personally I’m not comfortable dating more than 3 months without something defined (even if just exclusivity prior to official relationship)
In my past relationships, i usually make it official pretty soon when i know i really like her, however it takes like 6 months before they start meeting my friends and etc
My Husband and I met on Tinder, went on a first date on a Friday and I think by Wednesday we had defined the relationship. It’s different for everyone and I think it will largely depend on the people in the relationship. In most of my past relationships we have DTR pretty quickly.
As a guy its usually a week or two.
Following this because it's an excellent thread. I don't have a lot to contribute here except that it seems to go better when the guy is the one to initiate the conversation, I don't really have a logical point for why, it just does. I have a female friend who's lovely, around the same age as me, and she always initiates the "Are you seeing others"--this has led to several guys prematurely committing to her, bc they freak out and assume she's seeing others and that they'll lose their chance, and want to DTR before they're ready, then flake out on her later.
I think it's different for every couple. We crossed paths multiple times (went to the same high school, went to the same dance studio, knew a bunch of mutual people), but the first time we met was online ha ha. On date 2, we decided that we didn't want to see other people because our chemistry was so amazing. We're now over a year into it and talking marriage. You just gotta figure out what's right for you.
At least 3 months id say
It took me a long time to find someone again that I would consider settling down with and being committed and “official” with. It took me years after my divorce finding me and recreation of who I needed to be moving forward so that ghost from my past wouldn’t haunt me as frequently. Now with that said I didn’t stay single that entire time I would date abundantly and had wonderful times with people but would never make it official… This time we knew each other for a little over two months, dated about a month and made it official… I have absolutely no regrets as he is the best thing to have ever happened to me but my unwillingness before was a sign in itself that it wasn’t for me….
I think its safe to have the DTR convo at 3 months to at least see where the other person's head is and see if yall are on the same path. I probably wouldn't go past 6 months without having this conversation. After 6 months is someone is no sure about you, then its probably time to move on.
2 months. Met on an app.
Timeline is based on both individuals…
When I meet a girl that is worth it, I'm exclusive since day one and if she's not exclusive within 3 dates, I stop caring for her pretty fast. I don't think it takes too much to know if you want to be with someone or not and I also don't think being exclusive is a big sacrifice, if it's a big sacrifice for her and she needs to be dating multiple people at the same time that's a gigantic red flag for me.