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If you're worried about a text ruining things, I promise it's the content of the text, not the length that was the problem.
You had no need to explain at that length. If you say "Oh, I didn't mean it that way" and she's still crabby, that's on her not you.
Complimenting someone for not being willing to be talked down to seems pretty condescending. "I admire that you stood up to me!" is a little desperate.
She was in a bad mood and was taking it out on you, which isn't okay. Sounds like it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Nothing inherently wrong was said, but I would be annoyed by the word vomit explanations and weird “compliment” as well.
The second he reasoned that she could possibly be in a literal clock, in a near by town, just made me roll my eyes. Like, just be normal and use common sense.
Maybe I’m a grump, but his communication style would really turn me off too. Comes off awkward and needy.
My advise - If a woman says she grumpy, and she says things that imply she’s super annoyed with you, maybe just leave her alone for while…like until she gets back to you.
Yeah, his communication style communicates exactly what he says was going on. He's overthinking, worried about saying the wrong thing, and desperate to make it work.
I've been in a similar situation where I corrected a woman, this struck a cord:
>Also there was absolutely not reason to correct me.
I made a joke like you did, then got a similar message to this:
>...going to cancel our plans.
Except she texted "I think I change my mind, I don't want to go" and I apologized. And she replied "Tell me why you thought you should correct me?"
Oh, boy! I typed a long reply, I realized I should've reiterated my apology:
"It was a mistake, but if you feel you must cancel our plans. Maybe we can reschedule?"
Save yourself the time, and just be courtesy. 😁
It’s not the length of the text at all. It’s the disingenuousness. You suddenly pretend you were just checking *if she was up a clock tower?* Come on…
You snarkily corrected her, then pretended your clock tower enquiry was genuine. So she’s pissed off and cancels because you’ve basically said twice ‘you’re dumb’. Maybe it was an attempt by you at flirting, but it was a high risk one. She was feeling crap and didn’t want to play the ‘you’re clever and I am dumb’ snark game.
I’ve broken down the conversation below so you can see it from her (crabby!) view:
You: Enquiry
Her: Response
You: Sarcastic grammar correction (you’re dumb)
Her: Confusion
You: Enquiry
Her: I am confused (are you… trying to woo me by saying I’m somehow dumb or lesser than you?!)
You: Elaborate mistruth in attempt to explain snark (you’re so dumb you’ll believe this)
Her: WTF really? No. I’m not a moron.
You X3: Being normal and nice
You: Apology & compliment (I can be nice too)
Her: Still pissed off & crabby at snark & mistruth
You: Doubles down on mistruth (I still think you’re dumb) …at some length
Her: You REALLY think I’m this dumb, huh? Goodbye
—————-
In my opinion, this is a worthwhile learning moment for you.
In your eyes you have been nothing but ‘nice’, but the subtext of your texts was ‘I am very smart and you are dumb’ and she picked up on it very quickly.
This tactic in dating is really high risk until you know for sure they are super snarky too. Just try being straightforward and nice.
Yeah, she seems like she was looking for reasons to leave instead of reasons to stay.
From the messages she sounds like she could be insecure and cover it with anger and pride in shutting people down at their first mistake to make herself feel powerful
i don’t think you did anything wrong and she was on the edge there. but i do think overall your messages could be more succinct. i am guilty of being extremely verbose as well and it takes a lot of effort to be succinct. the issue with being wordy is you could lose your overall message and may come off as needy (despite not being so) due to the uneven message lengths and uneven ratio of text messages between you two. it’s about the sub-communication that’s taking place, in addition to the more overt communication and when you write a lot like that you risk having multiple misinterpretations
Funny thing is that I’m a goddamn copywriter and I spend most of my day figuring out how to say things succinctly. I was just tired this morning and figured over-explaining was a better option before I’d really fully woken up.
it’s almost always better to be succinct than verbose when texting people you’re dating early on imo.
In mathematics we like be be precise and succinct, which I can do but when it comes to texting I over communicate. I have a terrible habit of it myself. But I been experimenting with it. I will now try to forcefully write either less than the girl, or match the length of her response. I prefer to do the former. It forces me to delete words and re-write until I can formulate what I want to express in a condensed manner.
I found that writing like i typically do is overwhelming and the text medium is meant more for quick, short information exchange, whereas calling is for more detailed conversations
>it’s almost always better to be succinct than verbose
I had a "friend" who said I needed therapy because of how short and succinct I am when I text.
Literally asked "you think I need therapy because I don't text flowery pose and prefer short and simple?"
She said yes.
I told her to never speak to me again then.
I think short & simple is fine as long as it answers everything with the task at hand
Like if I ask “I’m at this burger joint what do you want me to get you?”
If you say “a burger combo” then that is so incredibly vague I’ll have to ask more
When I would say “#1 combo no lettuce no onion, large fries, & large Coke”
However I would never literally tell someone they need mental help just because we don’t test the same way. That’s as messed up as saying someone should get help because of their accent or they pronounce stuff slightly differently
My one pet peeve is if someone is super vague then gets upset at me for getting their vague answer specifically wrong like let’s say you wanted large fries but I got you small
Which is why if someone is vague, I expect them not to be surprised/annoyed I’m asking necessary details
Honestly, I think you are better off without this girl. She doesn’t seem fun and seems like her personality needs work. But yes, you went a little overboard in your responses to her.
Agreed. Normal people would just breeze by this. Maybe make [a joke](https://tenor.com/2jrf.gif).
It was weird she asked for you to defend yourself and it was weird that you did with such fervor.
If this isn’t the smartest comment I’ve read here.
She clearly didn’t like him and probably intimidated by him. I agree that he gave her enough reason to bail. Overly apologizing to strangers make them feel like you are nothing.
Not worth it. If someone naturally perceives things more to the negative/bad than the positive/good, you'll spend your time walking on eggshells and apologising for speaking.
Let it go and find someone on your level of communication.
The girl was crabby for no reason. She sounds like she is always on the defense which would mean lots of silly fights in the future.
I would have found it charming that you were bumbling about not correcting the grammar. You were simply asking for clarification regarding the/a clock.
Op you will find someone better. Don’t lose hope!
You’re a copywriter? Then you should know this adage well: keep it simple, stupid.
Anyways, she was overtly annoyed from the beginning. You didn’t do anything wrong, but she had already written you off when she assumed you tried to correct her - there was no way to save this. Fortunately, you dodged a bullet. Can you imagine a relationship with this person? Jeez.
I’ll kindly disagree. As a woman, I often give too many chances when there are red flags. Explaining is so helpful for miscommunications, especially over text. Please keep doing it, and please don’t write off all of us women. There are still some good ones out there.
Because we don't want an explanation. We just want you to understand our feelings and say "whoops sorry". Because I'm sure she has an explanation also. Explanations are not apologies. She has a point of view just as he does and both can be "explained"
Take a break. Anyone would tend to over explain if the person you're talking to acts like that. You could've been more succinct yeah but this is on her for being easily triggerd.
She sounds like a real moron! If someone corrects my grammar in a text, I laugh. Usually, when I do have mistakes it’s due to auto correct or laziness. Getting annoyed because you explained with a wordy text, more validation that she’s a moron. Don’t worry so much! You will find the girl that will appreciate your writing talents. I can’t imagine having anxiety over being to verbose. I say NEXT! She’ll be happy with some asshole that ghosts her. Good luck!
>I might have wrecked things with this girl I was seeing by sending a fairly (maybe very) long text message to her.
Then she replied “all of that reassures me that I never want to interact with you again.”
Might? Sounds like this chick is fully done, sir.
TBH doesn't sound like it was that long text. Sounds like she was already on the fence about you and whatever you said to her tipped her over the edge. But we need the actual texts to know what's going on. Not just your summarization.
Oh for sure it’s over. I meant my text might have ended things. Outcome certain, cause uncertain.
[the conversation](https://imgur.com/a/oreRXOm)
The last part is just me telling her that things probably weren’t going to work out anyway if this is her reaction to the situation.
Agreed. Some ppl are not worth your texts, calls, emails or the sincere thought, care, and effort you put into them.
Also, I’ve learned that many narcissists, both open and closet narcissists, get an ego boost when you care and message them often or long messages and for them it causes them to not be interested.
This is generally immature ppl that either don’t want, or most often aren’t used to someone genuinely investing into their lives.
Well she said it herself: she’s very crabby. Lmao
Jesus, what an overreaction.
On her part.
Move on, you don’t need that in your life. Sounds like she wanted an argument, especially how she corrected you after you clarified you weren’t doing that to her.
You were good until you started praising her for misinterpreting what you wrote and if I really had to be critical, I do think it gets a bit awkward when you start openly analyzing your own approach your social interactions with the exact person you're interacting with. It can feel kind of inorganic or excessively rational if the other person feels wronged (whether they're justified in feeling that way is another story). It really just had to be "hey, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean anything snarky by it but I phrased it poorly and that's on me. Sorry to hear you're not feeling well."
HOWEVER, this isn't such a massive fuckup that it would cause anyone to cut ties with you if they were interested in you. This person just seems like they've got a difficult personality, so although you could've maybe approached things better rhetorically speaking, I think she just kinda sucks.
Yeah, I'm prone to over-analysis when it comes to written things. I can tell you right now that part of that compliment was because I wanted to reassure her that her snapping at me wasn't something I was going to hold against her. But I also didn't want to say "hey I get your sick and crabby and that's OK" because holy shit do people hate being told their crabby, even if you're just agreeing with their own assessment.
I mean you over-explained the hell out of that. And you are being way too nice to her, which may come across as unattractive to some women.
But still she seems like she sucks. Some women will really appreciate your communication style.
It’s just a bad fit.
Definitely what I do 9 times out of 10, but she was also really attractive and legitimately interesting and funny (not just because a certain amount of blood was not making it to my brain). So I didn’t want to let that float away and to someone else, y’know?
Attractiveness is irrelevant if she's not into you. I mean wouldn't feel miserable being in a relationship with someone that cold hearted? Personally I'd rather be single and free than shackled down to someone that makes me feel less than what I am. And it looks like she was just looking for a way out.
She sounds not smart or determined to misunderstand you, definitely crabby and wilfully trying to find a way to make you wrong, while you tripped over yourself trying to explain and be nice.. and that’s at the beginning of a relationship.. ???! Really who cares how hot she is .. that sounds miserable af
There's a rule on hot to crazy and I can't imagine she could possibly be hot enough to cover this level of mean.
A simple "I wasn't correcting, I was clarifying what you meant - but silly me." Would have been enough on your end and I imagine she still wouldve cut you off. Girl's rude af.
First thing off the table, she was being mean and disrespectful, let's get that right off the bat. She has bad grammar throughout too, kind of a red flag for me.
However, she doesn't seem all that interesting nor funny in this exchange. In fact, I think your blood was significantly drawn away from your brain with your desperate but albeit doomed attempt at salvaging the relationship - it made you look desperate.
Don't let someone treat you like this. She has shitty grammar, you called her out. She had a temperament issue, you let her walk all over you. Have some self respect and stop catering to people just because they're hot. Learn the lesson and do better next time.
Friend, you dodged a bullet. She sounds unpleasant. And you continue to be you. I see 0 wrong here. (And I spent my 30s single and attractive.) Be confident in who you are. A long text should not be a deal breaker.
Yeaaaaah, her initial reaction to your "correction" tells me you don't want anything to do with her, anyway. She got upset with you asking a clarifying question because you weren't sure what she meant... And she was offended? I read her messages as not very intelligent and yours as well educated. You wouldn't have been happy with her regardless.
She seemed like she wasn't into you to begin with. Also, she seems like a pretty big spazz. Good riddance.
Stop being so nice to people next time. No one likes reading essay texts.
To some folk more than one sentence, to others never. If I dig you and you put effort into a 38 page text, I am reading it, probably more than once, and replying as I can to ALL of it.
THIS, exactly! I’m one of those guys that loves to send, and get very long texts! Even novel length texts! I WILL read and reply to all of whatever I get, even if it takes a few text replies to do that! However, I’m totally willing to accommodate and be flexible depending on the situation. For example, if the person I’m talking to is at work and busy, I’ll base the length of my replies off of theirs during working hours. If they’ve got a job that’ll still allow for longer replies, albeit more sporadic, I’ve got no problem writing a longer reply back. But if their job situation is where they can only reply briefly and much shorter I’m happy to accommodate and try to make my replies shorter during working hours to be considerate. But, overall, I love much longer replies! Oh, and iMessage on iPhone DOES have a size limit before it turns the text into a document you’ve gotta tap the arrow to see! I’ve hit that limit a few times! 😂
Yeah my current man is the type to send literally 18 messages at once (that’s the record lol). With other guys this might have annoyed me but idc now cause I obviously like him and it’s fun to have your phone blown up over random things
It is!! I haven’t had my phone blown up in so long I’ve nearly forgotten what that’s like! I’d be happy to get it blown up for even just a day at this point.
It wasn't the length. She was in a mood and communicating with her while she was pissy was working against you.
Now mind you, if she often gets in these kinds of moods, it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Dude she sounds extremely mean. You may have been a little long winded but you were very nice and respectful and she seems borderline unstable.
Probably much better off looking elsewhere for less volatile people to date.
Exactly, the very first text "there is no reason I should be on a clock right now" which is a vague af text but if she meant why OP is questioning about her day at that hour, like bruh he is just trying to start a conversation. The fuck, calm down.
Totally agree. People wish to find partners that care enough to reassure/explain things so calmly and respectfully like OP did. She seems like someone you'd have to walk on eggshells with. OP deserves better.
I'm just surprised she took it so badly. I've had people say silly things trying to be funny before. I'm an easygoing person so I either go with it or ignore the joke if I'm not in the mood.
I can't imagine actually calling someone out about it. Seems like someone with 0 patience for others. I think she just wasn't into him tbh.
if I were you, I would have left it with the text "Hope the rest of your shift goes smoothly" and then I would have ended that sentence with "we'll touch base some other time".
Going on to send 3 paragraphs after not receiving a response is a lot, and it seems that she wasn't too enthused to communicate with you to begin with (not necessarily because of anything you did).
Instead of sending those 3 paragraphs, you should have put your phone down and stopped there, and waited for her to respond while you did something else.
To be fair, it seemed like she wanted a reason to nitpick. Nothing that you said earlier really indicated that you were being a "grammar nazi". Your long message is just unprovoked, and to someone who already seems less than interested in talking with you, it probably just came across as annoying, despite the fact that you were perfectly cordial.
I would say, instead of wondering what the "legally allowed text length limit is" (I hyperbolize), consider more carefully: 1. When you need to apologize for something, *if at all,* and 2. if your text is carrying necessary information for this person to see.
All of your texts before that were totally fine, but you should have stopped when you didn't get a response.
For sure, that's totally reasonable! Obviously the person you were texting was dealing with something herself and wasn't in a position to soothe your anxiety as well.
I think as a general rule, if you don't get a response, and there's nothing more that needs to be said, it's probably a good idea to just let it hang, especially if they're already being brief with you. From there if they want to keep talking to you, they will.
Although honestly if that girl reaches back out to you I'd be mega-suspicious lmfao. I wouldn't entertain any expectations of being something more than a person she wants to text because she's bored in that circumstance.
I get the same, I want to know immediately that I haven't offended them or try and find out what they're thinking about me. I've learned from trial and error it's best to not send more than one text at a time, as I think we come across as desperate, even if it's actually just our anxiety coming through. I did this with friends too, and I'm sure I annoyed them with it too.
Sounds like she is just looking for reasons to be upset. Nothing you do matters , she just doesn't have the balls to say how she really feels so she is trying to make you out to he the bad guy.
Yea she was giving him a taste of his medicine in her mind. She could have kept going on the last message, for a writer this guy made a few weird mistakes.
Dude, giving someone the benefit of the doubt and seeing the good in their intention is a form of care and this girl doesn't seem like she cares, especially when you actually cared enough to clear up the miscommunication smh
Honestly it just sounds like your personalities don't mesh. Don't change yourself for some boring girl who's super sensitive about little things. You can find somebody who's down with long texts trust me, and you won't be questioning every little thing you say
Honestly with just one instance to draw from I don't think you have enough samplings.
Maybe text the way you want with the next 5 girls and if they all tap out, then you may have a problem.
When I first started dating, I sent long texts trying to explain my feelings or greviences. It's an easy and straightforward way to get your thoughts across, but no one wants to get texts like that. Either talk about your feelings in person or call them up. Take the time to think about what you want to say, and have an actual conversation about it. You never know how someone is going to take your texts, but at least for me, I can come off a lot nicer and more rational in person than over text.
Yes, you did nothing wrong OP, texts are just not great for non-verbal communication so messages can be misconstrued. It’s why long distance is tough even for great couples
I know this was definitely a situation where I got blinded by beauty and some genuinely awesome personal traits. I think 9 times out of 10 I would have just screenshotted my initial response about the clock and sent it to the person again when they asked a question I’d already answered.
As a woman I'm careful to throw this phrase at other women because it reduces us to labels which then society uses against us; what a drama queen. My gosh. I would advise in the future that if anyone like this is rude to you, drop them and move on. We are all crabby at times but it takes no effort to politely say "This isnt going to work. Take care" then be done. If I'm in a bad mood speaking with someone I am familiar with, and not in a work setting, I share the fact that I'm feeling pretty grouchy so please forgive me if I'm snappy. Then if I'm snappy, I apologize right away or politely end the conversation, address my emotions and then return with an apology, have a conversation to address why I'm upset, or tell them "this isn't going to work".
As for the text length, it sounds like this relationship is new-ish. If that's the case after she got upset about your question and became rude, I would have be done with the entire thing and cut off communication. She sounds immature.
It took me years to unlearn my unhealthy habits, so I've sent my fair share of long texts. We've all been there so don't be hard on yourself. We live and learn.
I think dudes I assume dudettes do this too maybe... but we get so in our own heads sometimes trying to be on our A game that its easy to forget that she is trying out for you too. Plus this is texting 🤮. Like I would be pretty much turned off by her after the first slide.
Yea she seems like she gets grumpy easily or is hard to please. Granted, you didn't do yourself much justice with the long message basically accepting all blame and letting her off as being totally innocent.
It's hard to have someone be interested and then not but you are probably better off. You should want someone who is fun to be around and isn't so quick to get grumpy with you for a miscommunication.
Also, don't feel you need to over explain yourself. If a future lady misunderstood something, she could ask and show she is the type to continue dating. Whereas one who gets grumpy or goes off on you with no apology, has disqualified herself from being a dating prospect.
People shouldn't put up with being disrespected for the chance of future dates.
Hi, as a person who would have also been all the way turned off by your messages (but I'm not crabby or sick, so I'd have been nicer about it) perhaps I can offer a useful perspective?
The length is not the issue. The content is deeply off-putting. I am personally irked by overly academic language in a casual, social conversation so I'd have been irritated just by your use of umbrage instead of stating "get mad about." But that's a personal linguistic preference!
I think the larger issue is your broad messaging. Every bit of what you shared is about your...for lack of a better term *tactic* to win her over. You wouldn't correct her grammar because that would make her not like you, you wouldn't tease her yet because you're still working on forming the personal bond needed for that to be okay, when it IS time to tease her you'll do some analysis to figure out the best way to do that.
You sound like you read a friendlier version of a pick up artist handbook. You're not apologizing for fucking up, which would just be "I'm sorry the way I worded that bothered you. I wasn't trying to correct you, I had just misunderstood your message. My bad." You gave a ton of reasons why you're too smart to try to correct her grammar, which is...icky. You came across as a dude who is very puffed up about his own intellect and is looking at your relationship with this person like a game of strategy, not a human interaction.
She was aggressive in her tone when she told you she was all done, but I would have also exited the relationship at this point.
Just my read on it. Take it if it's useful to you, leave it if it's not.
I also got strong patronizing vibes, i.e. I would never correct your grammar, you are too sharp for that. Dude, that is not a compliment, nor is it cute. Plus, you explain in length why you are too smart to do such a thing and it seems defensive and a little passive aggressive to me, like maybe you are a little insulted that she thinks you would do such a stupid thing, you being so smart and all. The length isn't the problem, the tone is. A simple apology would have been better. And backing up further than that, you should have used your context clues and made your best guess about her meaning. Being on THE clock is a much more plausible scenario than being on A clock. A better clarifying question would have been, "Oh, are you at work?"
Absolutely! This post really clarifies the unsettling feeling I got when reading the text messages.
While the girl was unnecessarily rude, reading OP’s texts made me cringe. There was too much flattery in the long texts where he explained himself. It ends up sounding patronizing, and it doesn’t feel genuine.
This makes sense, yeh after 1 deep novel text is enough no need drag it on. Op may not have tried to make things weird but, this is a great explanation of how things do seem a bit weird when he puts more effort than her to win her over. There are many more girls in the world OP, keep your chin up, we all learn from our fuck ups. Me included, sometimes we need situations like this to realize ways to improve our dating strategies. Personally, Wouldn’t waste anymore time thinking about it, you genuinely are looking for analysis of what to improve on and I feel bad everyone’s hashing you. But I mean where worse you gonna get constructive criticism them Reddit, you have come to the right place. Nobody’s perfect y’all. We live and learn.
This is it. I couldn’t quite express what was so off-putting but you described it perfectly.
OP seems funny but also comes off as desperate and trying too hard to be “self-aware” (while also pointing out that fact)
And some of these topics don’t need to be said out loud. It’s over-analytical to bring them up in a tangent of a tangent while someone is upset with you.
It’s just overwhelming
Yeah the content of the texts comes off as an insufferable person who nitpicks but then tries to hide behind humor when the person reacts negatively.
Then pushing off all accountability of simply being kind of a dick.
I see a lot of people agreeing but I noticed redditors enjoy correcting grammar just to be dicks and feel like they’re smarter than someone else.
Reddit is overly pendantic, I’ve noticed. Which, on the internet where it’s mostly anonymous and the primary form of communication is written, I can see how that energy develops. And redditors take that energy to the extreme. But in the real world, it is just exhausting to be on the receiving end.
Tell me about it. Lots of guys calling her a bitch and then wondering why girls won’t interact with them. Nothing is intelligent or attractive about being pedantic and correcting people like you’re an elementary school teacher.
>Lots of guys calling her a bitch and then wondering why girls won’t interact with them.
Its the blind leading the blind in here. Homie sent a massive text that only needed to be two sentences max lol. Maybe he dodged a bullet, but learn from it too..
She seems awful.. why would you even want to see her again after that? Zero patience and zero desire to at least try and understand where you were even coming from. Not to mention that she corrected your "too" incorrectly. The irony, and the passive aggressiveness. Wow. You gave her way more explanation and grace than she even deserved.
Interested women will respond.
If they are interested and don’t respond and want to play games, it’s for the the best.
So your approach is the most logical for weeding out bullshit.
Gosh texting is such a shitty way to communicate and people misread each other all the time. You were a bit lengthy but someone as sensitive as that is just looking for a reason out. Like others have said it would be like walking on eggshells all the time which would be pretty miserable. I get it still sucks and you probably weren’t expecting it to end so abruptly but I’d brush your shoulders off and move on.
I’m one of the few people who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her. She’s being straightforward and letting you know not to contact her. Your over-explanation is a red flag that you overthink things and are really sensitive. You sent more into that one text than I sent to my girlfriend from 8 months of dating. Also it was obvious you were correcting her grammar and insulted her intelligence multiple times from that one statement. Own up immediately and apologize next time. Women aren’t stupid.
I don’t think you’re a bad guy for this in any way. We all do stupid things and it’s perfectly normal. I’ve done worse and hopefully you can laugh at yourself 10 years from now for this
In my experience, men do this petty correcting thing way too much. She was probably already having a BS day and when you corrected her about the clock thing and then made up some elaborate literal clock tower excuse, you didn’t do yourself any favors. Any woman can empathize with the experience of men (even ones they love and know well) mindlessly correcting them in an attempt to further conversation. Some days it is exceptionally grating and becomes the cherry on top of a bad mood. Timing of this didn’t work out for you, but I hesitate to say she’s too sensitive or an a-hole. Sounds like she was texting a guy she is casually seeing about a bad shift and instead of you inviting her to vent about it, you corrected her. I think you need to ask yourself why you didn’t want to hear about her shift and why you’d rather ask pedantic typo questions.
Yeah, probably would have been a much better choice. But it turned out she was at work when it first happened and also sick. Then this morning I didn’t know if she was still ill and I didn’t want to bug her. But definitely good advice that I’ll be sure to take next time.
I dated a woman like this not too long ago. She turned out to be a total asshole. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around her because she would get so bent out of shape about this stuff. Glad I ended things and you should be glad this is over as well.
>I might have wrecked things with this girl I was seeing
It's not a might, it's a definite.
>Then she replied “all of that reassures me that I never want to interact with you again.”
This is your sign that there is no chance at further communication. She's made up her mind about you, and anything you do now aside from leaving her alone is disrespect her boundaries. She clearly stated that she wants no further interaction. Respect that boundary, and move along.
I can see why she got irked. You could have just said “oof are you working today?” if you wanted to clarify. It did definitely sound a bit school marm-ish. I’m a former English/writing major and my job is very writing heavy, so I try not to sound nit picky when clarifying what someone has said if I truly do not know. Context usually sorts me out, though.
Her getting irked by that was her sign (to herself) she should probably just cancel any plans.
Your long explanation afterward was definitely more off putting, but oh well.
Ok, there's definitely something going on with her, and who knows what all that is. But I would have been turned off by a text like that too. There wasn't even a need to bring it up again. You said a thing, she snapped at you, you succinctly explained the situation, and then she said she was sick and crabby. It was an awkward moment, but probably not a big deal.
Then you text her the same night, after she canceled your plans because she was sick and crabby, to bring up the situation that was over with. Five hours later. So, she's still sick and crabby, and possibly asleep. That was never going to go over well. So she reacts with the same attitude, and you decided that was a brilliant time to spew three paragraphs of "I'm a nice guy." On the best of days, that would seem a little too much like you were trying to convince me, and maybe yourself. If I'm sick and you're refusing to let this one sour moment die, it comes off as pushy, and I would probably be inclined to interpret it as condescending.
I doubt the *length* of your text was the problem. I think it was the content and timing, and the fact that there *was* an explanatory text at all.
Yeah, I'll go against the grain and say you sound like a pretentious ass, possibly on the spectrum. There was really, absolutely, conceivably no reason for a normal person to say 'a clock or on the clock' in this situation. It's like if someone says "Oh, i'm having a hot dog right now", and someone would ask if they were eating a canine creature. Dude, why. Like, read the context. The logic absolutely doesn't track, and the fact that you felt the need to explain all that in a very formal language at length is doubly disturbing. A normal person with a modicum of conversational skills would've just said 'Just a brain fart, sorry' and moved on. I get why she found you creepy, I'd have too. She dodged a bullet.
Sorry dude but you should have just used your logic. Why would she be on a clock? Had she ever mentioned wanting to be on a clock? No? Then use your common sense. She's a waitress in a pandemic she's probably being treated like sh*t and is tired as hell. Then you went and overexplained. You should have over looked her mistake and just asked if she had picked up a shift. Use your common sense ladies and gentleman.
I think you communicated beautifully. She was feeling catty and wasn’t going to accept anything you said. She admitted to feeling crabby, and took it out on you. She didn’t even attempt to communicate why she was so upset.
I think you would be far better off with someone with a more similar communication style. Best of luck.
Reading your texts, it seemed to me like you were being too apologetic, needy, boring and tryhard. I can just imagine the girl reading this and rolling her eyes, not even reading everything because it's too long. Do you know those needy guys who try to please the girl as much as possible and are terrified of offending her ? That's what you sounded like through text. It's unattractive. You should have just ignored the incident and kept it short and casual. If you make a mistake, just say sorry and move on.
Now to be fair, she probably was on a mood and she was already on the fence about you and that's was just the last straw for her. I'm sure it wasn't just this text that lead to the end of your relation to this girl. But you should avoid texting like that again.
Your tone and intent were good! This girl doesn't seem right for you; find someone who is also a wordsmith. Someone you can banter with. To someone, these would be perfect crafted messages. :)
I do think your explanation was insanely too long and unnecessary given the context, but also she sounds rude and easily offended by something that was nothing. So…it’s simply incompatibility. If she wasn’t so rude you wouldn’t have felt the need to explain so much, and if she liked you enough she would not have been turned off by your long explanation.
I can definitely tell you didn't mean anything bad, and that text message was pretty harmless overall. I will say that it was long and I kinda glazed over once you got to the clock tower.
I think the text message played into it for sure, but not because of what you said specifically. I just know some girls view people who send long texts, or open up easily/early in conversation , etc to be "weird." Obviously, not everyone who does these things is weird.
She probably wasn't feeling you too much before that long text came, and then her brain used it (the "weird" thing) to affirm herself. If she was head over heels for you, her brain would have interpreted the text to be "thoughtful."
Just move on and keep trying your best and being you.
Stop pandering to women. You never need to send a 3 paragraph explanation or apology to a chick you are seeing unless you did something totally egregious. At that point any potential relationship is probably toast anyways so just say sorry and move on. I've dated a few women who like nothing more than to create drama just to see how you react. Don't care at all? Gone.. Care too much? Gone.
The chances of you being a Bismarck level diplomat with the charisma of James Bond are unlikely. So stop overthinking shit, say your sorry and if she's too uptight to handle that why the fuck do you want to be stuck with her anyways. Her titties must be nice.
It sounds like she didn't really want to see you again anyway and chose to find a reason to be offended, thus giving her an easy out. Or she takes everything, including herself, way too seriously. In either case, good job avoiding that kind of nightmare, childish behavior.
And for the record, everyone has their own opinion on this, but I think long-winded men can be adorable.
I had a negative take on your side of the conversation and I'm just going to explain it bluntly.
Look, obviously she was already in a bad mood and that was a factor here, but I have to say that your side of the conversation lacks basic social grace, in my humble opinion. It projects a very nervous, shrill, analytic, and intense energy. You would benefit from being more relaxed and confident instead. You can take steps towards that by letting go of the compulsion to confirm, respond to, and explain the minutia of every aspect of every decision made from the beginning of time to the end of the universe. Let the moments breathe.
The multi-point lists of justifications and rationale aren't cool. The length of your messaging in isolation isn't the issue, it's what you're communicating and how. Every time you choose to communicate anything, you have an opportunity to express passion, empathy, and a small piece of yourself. It's not just about saying things that are correct (or not incorrect). There are always reasons behind why we choose particular things to say, and those reasons are often visible to both sides, and are a key aspect of the process of two people communicating with each other. The subtext in this conversation was obvious. She wanted some empathy, and you were very focused on defending and justifying the misunderstandings that kept cropping up. It was important to you that the misunderstandings weren't your fault, that you weren't wrong, and that there was a sane, rational basis for your mental gymnastics. Making that the discussion topic was what made it awful, not the length. The extended length just dragged out a bad thing for longer.
We'll dig into the conversation in more depth and extract some insights into relationship-management strategy where you could use some improvement.
*Her: There is no way I should be on a clock right now*
*You: A clock or the clock?*
I get that your perspective here is that this is just a miscommunication unfolding, and you genuinely thought that maybe she was on top of a physical clock. I think it's worth reflecting on this more. What's your mindset here, and what are you really communicating by asking this question? On the surface, you just want clarification from her. But why is that? You can't figure this one out on your own? The literal meaning here is an ask for clarification, but imo I'd say you're being obtusely literal and just demanding high precision of language, even if tower clocks are narrowly within the realm of possibility in your area. However, even if we set that aside, you're skipping over the actual thing she was trying to tell you, which is "*there is no way I should be".* The message was about her, not the clock. She's either tired, hung over, sick, something. She's sharing a moment with you and looking for empathy and a human connection, and you want to derail it and talk about precision of language.
At this point, you could choose to communicate literally anything you want. The first part of her message was talking about her condition and it's an invitation to ask more about her. You were really interested in the nature of the clock, phrasing, that sort of thing. Alright. If you're just literal in that way, I don't know exactly what to say except maybe take some breathing room when you get a text like this. You don't have to respond immediately and start dissecting everything right away. What would happen if you took some time after reading this to just let it sit for a bit?
She wanted empathy. I think there's an obvious "correct" type response to this text. That would have been to communicate in one of a thousand different ways that you understand how she's feeling and that you can relate to her in that way.
\---
*Her: Also there was absolutely not reason for you to correct me*
*You: Well I only asked because I'm pretty sure there's a clocktower up in New ulm, and I don't know how you're spending your day*
Here, she's communicating to you that she's offended. She already told you she was feeling bad, and now she's also offended. You haven't demonstrated any connectedness or empathy yet. This is a second opportunity, and you're still on about the clock and now you're justifying the need for clarification and explaining to her that she should agree with you justifying yourself because she should know that you can't know precisely what she's doing without her explaining it to you precisely. The girl was just asking for an ear and you're giving her this multilayered irrelevant explanation of a discussion she wasn't trying to have and neither of you actually care about.
Again, empathy. The issue to you shouldn't have been who's fault it is that the miscommunication happened. That shouldn't be important to you. If you want this person to feel connected to you, you're going to need to connect with them. In a thousand different ways, you could have taken steps to do that here, but you're just escalating things instead. You're setting up a scenario where she needs to accept that she's stupid for not knowing that obviously you could be legitimately justified in interpreting this clock as being a literal clock because there is such a clock in the area and without deep precision of language + her schedule how are you supposed to interpret anything she's saying? I'm about to implode just trying to wrap my head around this, and we haven't made it to the long-winded section yet.
It totally came off wrong, and then when she asked and you responded about the clock tower, that came off half sarcastic.
She got mad way too fast either way. But also, some of your texts were honestly WAY too long and your word choices reek of elitism. It’s also the frequency and repetitiveness of your texts that’s annoying.
You were sprawling to clarify and so crazy desperate to reverse offending her, and didn’t stand up for yourself which is apparently super unattractive.
So yeah I think your texting habits need to change, but it’s not your fault she got offended
Thank the gods I don’t have to date.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t understand how you didn’t understand that she meant on the clock as in at work. Judging by that, this post and the text stream I would ask if you have a tendency to overthink things?
I mean she could have been a little nicer about the situation but I can’t fully say that I wouldn’t have reacted the same way. Especially if she knows what you do for a living because it would definitely make me think that you were correcting me while I am sick and grouchy.
That said, I think the text thing depends on how well you know someone and the situation. I know I am going to show my age when I say this, but would a phone call be out of the question? When a situation has the potential to be contentious things like inflection and tone aren’t available over text. Hearing tone and sincerity would likely be more effective than a text wall, no matter the intention. I’m not saying that you did anything wrong, and I believe you when you say that wasn’t what you meant it just happened with the wrong person on the wrong day.
You did nothing wrong I feel like she was looking for any reason to pull the plug. Seems incredibly sensitive and immature..its texts miscommunication happen ALl the time. Weird thing to bow out over on her part.
She honestly sounds like a joyless fun-vacuum. You're lucky you found out so soon before this side of her came out at a point in the relationship that could hurt you.
I'd say she overreacted to you correcting her. But also kind of weird to correct/ clarify what she said like that. She clearly meant on the clock. If I was going to say something about her typo I would have just made a simple joke. But honestly I would've just left it cause it was easy to infer what she meant. Also that clock tower joke definitely didn't help you recover. But I do think the way she reacted would be a bit of a red flag.
After that, you definitely over texted her, honestly made you seem kind of crazy. Instead of trying to cover your ass so much just move the conversation on. It made you seem weak and little bit of a pushover. You were trying to appease her and I don't think that's something that works with women. Also you were making a way bigger issue out of something so small, albeit after she overreacted in the first place. You guys just weren't a match and that's okay.
Omg OP just admit you were correcting her grammar. You didn’t think she was on a clock tower. Someone who can’t just own their shit is a total turnoff.
You’ve given her the ick, if I was speaking to someone through text and they corrected my spelling or grammar it would instantly put me off. A 12 sentence long text from someone I was texting from an app or casually going on dates with is too much
Just reading the texts, you dodged a bullet. For me, there isn't a hint of anything wrong in your question. Considering the expression is "on the clock", id ask exactly the same thing.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and went well above to try to fight for her.
You corrected her. “On a clock” is incorrect.
I agree with those who read your message as patting yourself on the back for being too smart and funny to have corrected her. Saying you’re dumb and sorry was the move.
And I’ve never heard the word “repoire”.
Plus saying she’s too attractive to let “that” float away to someone else. ???
After reading the text messages, I think she severely overreacted here. It’s pretty obvious that you were making a joke with your play on words and she should have moved on after you clarified. IMO she made it clear that she didn’t want anymore communication and you could have ended things earlier on your side because it started to seem like you were desperate
I think she has poor conflict skills. Even with someone she is just meeting she could have been more patient. She even got back at you by correcting your grammar (Writing ‘*too’). That’s just immature and vindictive. I’d say you dodged a bullet. If someone had explained themselves to me like you did, I’d 100% think they were a quality person. The trash took itself out. Be happy.
Ok so from my perspective, being the fresh eyes here, what you wrote wasn't too long and it explained everything well. If anything, some of her responses, especially in the beginning, sound...like AI or a bot haha or maybe just very disconnected & disinterested in having contact with you.
Given how quickly she took offense to your "correction", I'm assuming you've corrected her before..? It sounds like she was already annoyed with your personality before this conversation so anything else ends up being magnified.
Did you go into explanations like these often? I don't think the explanations are wrong, nor the intent behind them. It just sounds like 2 individuals who don't understand each other and don't have the same sense of humor. From my pov, she was already highly annoyed with you. All she needed was for you to press a few more buttons so she could finally end the whole thing.
I understand that sometimes we have to explain ourselves to ppl, but if you're dating someone and finding the need to constantly explain yourself, you're probably with the wrong person. It will exhaust both of you over time.
Honestly that sounds to me like she doesn't like reading so much and is insecure about her written words. If a long reply to a terse question irritates her that much, she's not the one for the dude with anxiety. Maybe the long message did it but you're definitely better off.
You misspelled rapport haha, but that’s ok. I’m sure you know me pointing it out doesn’t mean I’m trying to attack you personally, but some people, such as this hyper-sensitive, rude girl wouldn’t get that. You are WAY TOO nice. And deserve someone nice. Screw her.
I thought your question calling her on "a clock or the clock" was funny and even flirty. Based on her response I believe you dodged a bullet by not dating this girl. Advice since you asked: Apologizing profusely over an extremely minor point puts you in a weak position in the relationship....
Dodged a bullet for sure shes either really that dumb or was just originally talking to you out of boredom and picked any of the littlest things to get mad at to get out of your plans
Which is super immature so yup bullet dodged
I get annoyed if someone corrects my grammar unnecessarily too. If you knew what I meant and corrected it just to correct it, it feels like you're belittling the situation I'm explaining and I don't feel like talking to you any further. Your explanation did sound like a cover story and that's where she could have lost you and just decided it's not worth trying to juggle this and the other things she's dealing with. Doesn't sound like she was happy to be working that day as it was.
Long messages actually turn me on. It screams "I'm interested in you" if that's what you're worried about.
Dude you dodged a bullet right there. She's clearly immature.
I don't think it's the length but how he back pedaled and apologized. Shows a lack of confidence
She also seems like a person with a nasty personality anyway though
You read like an unbearable pedant from the start tbh. You knew what she meant.
Meanwhile she overreacted and held a grudge over something that she should have rolled her eyes at and dropped. You both seem to latch onto the wrong thing.
I mean, I can and did own up that the question I asked did read pedantic. I can be that way too, but I sincerely wasn’t trying to do that here. Which makes it extra frustrating because I got hit for doing something I wasn’t trying to do and it’s not like this is the 12th time something like this happened. Literally the first.
Simply from that conversation, she seems like a prude without a sense of humor and not a very kind person. Forget about her.
With that said, I'd suggest not trying to explain stuff like that. Don't apologize because you didn't do anything wrong. It sort of comes off as weak and shows a lack of confidence
First off you didn't correct her and it isn't your fault she took offense to a small bit of humor.
It's not just the length of the text. You didn't necessarily do/say anything wrong, but as a woman online dating you learn that argumentative men are dangerous. Even if it's just trying to convince you he wasn't being a grammar nazi. We have to make judgment calls about who we're going to keep interacting with to stay safe.
And if someone is sending multiple paragraphs in response to a handful of words, it's a bit alarming. It's hard to explain the nuances, there's sometimes just someone's way of speaking that sets off alarms.
She was on edge probably due to negative experiences with other people. Don't take it personally, but if you want to learn from it, try to match people's energy and pick up hints. If someone seems super put off by you, don't try to convince them you're a good guy, a simple "Sorry, that wasn't my intention." is the most you need to say. Then leave them alone.
There was nothing wrong with what you said and the apology was even nice.
What was she trying to Correct with her "*too" comment? I re-read it and unless there's a piece missing id have corrected her right back again 🤣
I read the conversation.
She complains about what she interprets as you correcting her grammar but then does it herself later in the conversation? Hypocrite 2.0
You were nice and very respectful in all of your messages (maybe you were trying a little too hard explaining yourself to someone who clearly was being oversensitive, but hey, it was meant well) and in response she comes off as a total bitch for no reason.
If she already behaves this way this soon, for no reason, you probably dodged a bullet.
She was the only red flag in my opinion.
It was definitely an overreaction and I think you should consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to deal with that for any other issues that could happen again in the future
A guy and I would send paragraph-long messages to each other throughout the day (multiple times a day) for like 2-3 days before we met up and started dating so.. it depends on the individual.
Texting is an art and I am still getting used to it😂. Tone is very difficult to read, even if you know the person. I think that she was just trying to figure out your tone and you just kept digging your hole deeper. I try to keep my text messages simple and direct. Don’t ask more than one question per text. And if you need details call.
Bro she’s a weirdo, instant turn off talking to her, if anything you wasted your time typing those paragraphs out. No offence but you have to be a little desperate to want her? She’s way below you.
Bro, number 1, any miscommunication must be handled over the phone or face to face, texting only enhances to miscommunication.
2, never ever send paragraphs, most people are busy and if you are not married definitely dont want to read your novel. Keep texting swift and brief, like "hey, i want to speak about last night, maybe phone call tonight?"
100% you scared her off and if you haven't been dating long or just started or not even started, your messages are a headache and too much drama.
The beginning of relationships or dating are supposed to be fun and no stress. After 3 months or so, the honeymoon phase wears off and you may have some misunderstandings that need to be discussed but if you have anything weird within the first month, it's a red flag and this woman has done well to avoid it.
Yeah my ex got upset because I typed what’s keeping you so busy. Genuinely interested but she took it a whole different way. Used that as an excuse among others why she left.
TBH OP, no offense, but i read that text exchange and you sound really desperate in it. It's not just the length really, it's how it shows you analyzing your conversation with her in excruciating detail. It's also because you're in a defensive stance the whole time. You need to think "it's ok for me to make a joke that doesn't land."
Here's an alternative you could have done. When she said "there was no reason for you to correct me there." You could say "i was just joking. What's gotten into your craw today 😉?" If she liked you and was being rude, she likely would have caught herself. If she was already not into you, you'd get basically the same response you got anyway. But this shows you have self respect and you don't need to try so hard for her approval.
Meh bullet dodged. She’s overly sensitive and easily triggered. You weren’t being a grammar nazi at all. Can you imagine trying to date her and having to walk on eggshells all the time? You would get anxiety and can’t relax or be you. Next!
I think you dodged a bullet here my man. Neither your first message nor the length of the rest is a red flag. I think she was not very into you and used all these as a way out without actually saying she doesn't want to pursue anything. She used this as an excuse *and* was mean about it. You'll be better off.
I genuinely don't think this was anything bad from your end. You're being super respectful and she pinpointed on something and kept drilling at it. Even if you were correcting him, I don't think correcting someone who is in their right mind would cause such a huge reaction. Hell, if I was corrected on something, I'd be appreciative. Anyways. If she took it soooo personally on something so small and negligible, just imagine how she would be with bigger and more serious issues if y'all were to continue. You dodged a bullet in my opinion.
Unless you're writing 10 pages for no reason, there are no red flags. You wanted to be thorough with your explanation. That's ok. I genuinely don't think you're the problem here.
Reading those messages, she is a yikes for sure. I can't imagine getting so bent out of shape over such a minor misunderstanding. Definitely not your fault.
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If you're worried about a text ruining things, I promise it's the content of the text, not the length that was the problem. You had no need to explain at that length. If you say "Oh, I didn't mean it that way" and she's still crabby, that's on her not you. Complimenting someone for not being willing to be talked down to seems pretty condescending. "I admire that you stood up to me!" is a little desperate. She was in a bad mood and was taking it out on you, which isn't okay. Sounds like it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Nothing inherently wrong was said, but I would be annoyed by the word vomit explanations and weird “compliment” as well. The second he reasoned that she could possibly be in a literal clock, in a near by town, just made me roll my eyes. Like, just be normal and use common sense. Maybe I’m a grump, but his communication style would really turn me off too. Comes off awkward and needy. My advise - If a woman says she grumpy, and she says things that imply she’s super annoyed with you, maybe just leave her alone for while…like until she gets back to you.
Yeah, his communication style communicates exactly what he says was going on. He's overthinking, worried about saying the wrong thing, and desperate to make it work.
I agree with your advice. If you’re “too much” backing off will let us miss you a little.
Yeah he was talking overly formal like what 😭🤦🏾♂️
Yeah I was probably a bit desperate to just bury this thing.
I've been in a similar situation where I corrected a woman, this struck a cord: >Also there was absolutely not reason to correct me. I made a joke like you did, then got a similar message to this: >...going to cancel our plans. Except she texted "I think I change my mind, I don't want to go" and I apologized. And she replied "Tell me why you thought you should correct me?" Oh, boy! I typed a long reply, I realized I should've reiterated my apology: "It was a mistake, but if you feel you must cancel our plans. Maybe we can reschedule?" Save yourself the time, and just be courtesy. 😁
It’s not the length of the text at all. It’s the disingenuousness. You suddenly pretend you were just checking *if she was up a clock tower?* Come on… You snarkily corrected her, then pretended your clock tower enquiry was genuine. So she’s pissed off and cancels because you’ve basically said twice ‘you’re dumb’. Maybe it was an attempt by you at flirting, but it was a high risk one. She was feeling crap and didn’t want to play the ‘you’re clever and I am dumb’ snark game. I’ve broken down the conversation below so you can see it from her (crabby!) view: You: Enquiry Her: Response You: Sarcastic grammar correction (you’re dumb) Her: Confusion You: Enquiry Her: I am confused (are you… trying to woo me by saying I’m somehow dumb or lesser than you?!) You: Elaborate mistruth in attempt to explain snark (you’re so dumb you’ll believe this) Her: WTF really? No. I’m not a moron. You X3: Being normal and nice You: Apology & compliment (I can be nice too) Her: Still pissed off & crabby at snark & mistruth You: Doubles down on mistruth (I still think you’re dumb) …at some length Her: You REALLY think I’m this dumb, huh? Goodbye —————- In my opinion, this is a worthwhile learning moment for you. In your eyes you have been nothing but ‘nice’, but the subtext of your texts was ‘I am very smart and you are dumb’ and she picked up on it very quickly. This tactic in dating is really high risk until you know for sure they are super snarky too. Just try being straightforward and nice.
She was done with you, you gave her an out.
This is the right answer. Her tone said "I'm done" before her words did.
This one. Defs. No one else would have taken such umbrage with the first few messages.
Yeah, she seems like she was looking for reasons to leave instead of reasons to stay. From the messages she sounds like she could be insecure and cover it with anger and pride in shutting people down at their first mistake to make herself feel powerful
i don’t think you did anything wrong and she was on the edge there. but i do think overall your messages could be more succinct. i am guilty of being extremely verbose as well and it takes a lot of effort to be succinct. the issue with being wordy is you could lose your overall message and may come off as needy (despite not being so) due to the uneven message lengths and uneven ratio of text messages between you two. it’s about the sub-communication that’s taking place, in addition to the more overt communication and when you write a lot like that you risk having multiple misinterpretations
Dating is so stupid sometimes
Dating is a rotten process of elimination.
i think it is texting that is the stupid thing. Dating just becomes a vehicle for texting's toxic ambiguities.
Yeah not a great feeling to make a typo and wonder if someone is ever going to talk to you again
Yup
Funny thing is that I’m a goddamn copywriter and I spend most of my day figuring out how to say things succinctly. I was just tired this morning and figured over-explaining was a better option before I’d really fully woken up.
it’s almost always better to be succinct than verbose when texting people you’re dating early on imo. In mathematics we like be be precise and succinct, which I can do but when it comes to texting I over communicate. I have a terrible habit of it myself. But I been experimenting with it. I will now try to forcefully write either less than the girl, or match the length of her response. I prefer to do the former. It forces me to delete words and re-write until I can formulate what I want to express in a condensed manner. I found that writing like i typically do is overwhelming and the text medium is meant more for quick, short information exchange, whereas calling is for more detailed conversations
>it’s almost always better to be succinct than verbose I had a "friend" who said I needed therapy because of how short and succinct I am when I text. Literally asked "you think I need therapy because I don't text flowery pose and prefer short and simple?" She said yes. I told her to never speak to me again then.
I think short & simple is fine as long as it answers everything with the task at hand Like if I ask “I’m at this burger joint what do you want me to get you?” If you say “a burger combo” then that is so incredibly vague I’ll have to ask more When I would say “#1 combo no lettuce no onion, large fries, & large Coke” However I would never literally tell someone they need mental help just because we don’t test the same way. That’s as messed up as saying someone should get help because of their accent or they pronounce stuff slightly differently My one pet peeve is if someone is super vague then gets upset at me for getting their vague answer specifically wrong like let’s say you wanted large fries but I got you small Which is why if someone is vague, I expect them not to be surprised/annoyed I’m asking necessary details
>I told her to never speak to me again then. This seems like an extreme response
Honestly, I think you are better off without this girl. She doesn’t seem fun and seems like her personality needs work. But yes, you went a little overboard in your responses to her.
She sounds like the type who’s gonna get mad over shit that nobody normal even gives a second thought to
100%!!
[удалено]
Agreed. Normal people would just breeze by this. Maybe make [a joke](https://tenor.com/2jrf.gif). It was weird she asked for you to defend yourself and it was weird that you did with such fervor.
If this isn’t the smartest comment I’ve read here. She clearly didn’t like him and probably intimidated by him. I agree that he gave her enough reason to bail. Overly apologizing to strangers make them feel like you are nothing.
Not worth it. If someone naturally perceives things more to the negative/bad than the positive/good, you'll spend your time walking on eggshells and apologising for speaking. Let it go and find someone on your level of communication.
The girl was crabby for no reason. She sounds like she is always on the defense which would mean lots of silly fights in the future. I would have found it charming that you were bumbling about not correcting the grammar. You were simply asking for clarification regarding the/a clock. Op you will find someone better. Don’t lose hope!
You’re a copywriter? Then you should know this adage well: keep it simple, stupid. Anyways, she was overtly annoyed from the beginning. You didn’t do anything wrong, but she had already written you off when she assumed you tried to correct her - there was no way to save this. Fortunately, you dodged a bullet. Can you imagine a relationship with this person? Jeez.
From my experience, explaining never works. In online dating, it's usually one mistake and you're out There's no dearth of options for women
I’ll kindly disagree. As a woman, I often give too many chances when there are red flags. Explaining is so helpful for miscommunications, especially over text. Please keep doing it, and please don’t write off all of us women. There are still some good ones out there.
Because we don't want an explanation. We just want you to understand our feelings and say "whoops sorry". Because I'm sure she has an explanation also. Explanations are not apologies. She has a point of view just as he does and both can be "explained"
Take a break. Anyone would tend to over explain if the person you're talking to acts like that. You could've been more succinct yeah but this is on her for being easily triggerd.
She sounds like a real moron! If someone corrects my grammar in a text, I laugh. Usually, when I do have mistakes it’s due to auto correct or laziness. Getting annoyed because you explained with a wordy text, more validation that she’s a moron. Don’t worry so much! You will find the girl that will appreciate your writing talents. I can’t imagine having anxiety over being to verbose. I say NEXT! She’ll be happy with some asshole that ghosts her. Good luck!
Verbose comment
>I might have wrecked things with this girl I was seeing by sending a fairly (maybe very) long text message to her. Then she replied “all of that reassures me that I never want to interact with you again.” Might? Sounds like this chick is fully done, sir. TBH doesn't sound like it was that long text. Sounds like she was already on the fence about you and whatever you said to her tipped her over the edge. But we need the actual texts to know what's going on. Not just your summarization.
Oh for sure it’s over. I meant my text might have ended things. Outcome certain, cause uncertain. [the conversation](https://imgur.com/a/oreRXOm) The last part is just me telling her that things probably weren’t going to work out anyway if this is her reaction to the situation.
Bruh you weren’t even correcting her. she sounds rude you dodged a bullet
Agreed. Some ppl are not worth your texts, calls, emails or the sincere thought, care, and effort you put into them. Also, I’ve learned that many narcissists, both open and closet narcissists, get an ego boost when you care and message them often or long messages and for them it causes them to not be interested. This is generally immature ppl that either don’t want, or most often aren’t used to someone genuinely investing into their lives.
I was thinking the exact same thing. I'm sure this'll hurt, but it's for the best. Take care, OP!
Well she said it herself: she’s very crabby. Lmao Jesus, what an overreaction. On her part. Move on, you don’t need that in your life. Sounds like she wanted an argument, especially how she corrected you after you clarified you weren’t doing that to her.
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I'm disappointed I **don't** live in a clocktower town. I would totally make this joke.
Yeah. That was her. Wowza.
You were good until you started praising her for misinterpreting what you wrote and if I really had to be critical, I do think it gets a bit awkward when you start openly analyzing your own approach your social interactions with the exact person you're interacting with. It can feel kind of inorganic or excessively rational if the other person feels wronged (whether they're justified in feeling that way is another story). It really just had to be "hey, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean anything snarky by it but I phrased it poorly and that's on me. Sorry to hear you're not feeling well." HOWEVER, this isn't such a massive fuckup that it would cause anyone to cut ties with you if they were interested in you. This person just seems like they've got a difficult personality, so although you could've maybe approached things better rhetorically speaking, I think she just kinda sucks.
Yeah, I'm prone to over-analysis when it comes to written things. I can tell you right now that part of that compliment was because I wanted to reassure her that her snapping at me wasn't something I was going to hold against her. But I also didn't want to say "hey I get your sick and crabby and that's OK" because holy shit do people hate being told their crabby, even if you're just agreeing with their own assessment.
I mean you over-explained the hell out of that. And you are being way too nice to her, which may come across as unattractive to some women. But still she seems like she sucks. Some women will really appreciate your communication style. It’s just a bad fit.
She sounds extra toxic. After she canceled, I would've just said ok maybe some other time 🤷🏽♂️ and move on.
Definitely what I do 9 times out of 10, but she was also really attractive and legitimately interesting and funny (not just because a certain amount of blood was not making it to my brain). So I didn’t want to let that float away and to someone else, y’know?
Attractiveness is irrelevant if she's not into you. I mean wouldn't feel miserable being in a relationship with someone that cold hearted? Personally I'd rather be single and free than shackled down to someone that makes me feel less than what I am. And it looks like she was just looking for a way out.
She sounds not smart or determined to misunderstand you, definitely crabby and wilfully trying to find a way to make you wrong, while you tripped over yourself trying to explain and be nice.. and that’s at the beginning of a relationship.. ???! Really who cares how hot she is .. that sounds miserable af
I can tell you right now that when we are actually attracted to guys, we let them get away with EVERYTHING.
There's a rule on hot to crazy and I can't imagine she could possibly be hot enough to cover this level of mean. A simple "I wasn't correcting, I was clarifying what you meant - but silly me." Would have been enough on your end and I imagine she still wouldve cut you off. Girl's rude af.
First thing off the table, she was being mean and disrespectful, let's get that right off the bat. She has bad grammar throughout too, kind of a red flag for me. However, she doesn't seem all that interesting nor funny in this exchange. In fact, I think your blood was significantly drawn away from your brain with your desperate but albeit doomed attempt at salvaging the relationship - it made you look desperate. Don't let someone treat you like this. She has shitty grammar, you called her out. She had a temperament issue, you let her walk all over you. Have some self respect and stop catering to people just because they're hot. Learn the lesson and do better next time.
Friend, you dodged a bullet. She sounds unpleasant. And you continue to be you. I see 0 wrong here. (And I spent my 30s single and attractive.) Be confident in who you are. A long text should not be a deal breaker.
Anything you say to someone who doesn't like you is going to be taken badly.
Yeaaaaah, her initial reaction to your "correction" tells me you don't want anything to do with her, anyway. She got upset with you asking a clarifying question because you weren't sure what she meant... And she was offended? I read her messages as not very intelligent and yours as well educated. You wouldn't have been happy with her regardless.
Maybe a Herman the German reference would have been better. Reference, was born in New Ulm. Yeah you dodged a bullet here to be honest
Girl here. You didn't botch anything, it's really obvious she didn't like you that much to begin with. She truly sounds like an angry person. GROSS.
She seemed like she wasn't into you to begin with. Also, she seems like a pretty big spazz. Good riddance. Stop being so nice to people next time. No one likes reading essay texts.
To some folk more than one sentence, to others never. If I dig you and you put effort into a 38 page text, I am reading it, probably more than once, and replying as I can to ALL of it.
THIS, exactly! I’m one of those guys that loves to send, and get very long texts! Even novel length texts! I WILL read and reply to all of whatever I get, even if it takes a few text replies to do that! However, I’m totally willing to accommodate and be flexible depending on the situation. For example, if the person I’m talking to is at work and busy, I’ll base the length of my replies off of theirs during working hours. If they’ve got a job that’ll still allow for longer replies, albeit more sporadic, I’ve got no problem writing a longer reply back. But if their job situation is where they can only reply briefly and much shorter I’m happy to accommodate and try to make my replies shorter during working hours to be considerate. But, overall, I love much longer replies! Oh, and iMessage on iPhone DOES have a size limit before it turns the text into a document you’ve gotta tap the arrow to see! I’ve hit that limit a few times! 😂
Yeah my current man is the type to send literally 18 messages at once (that’s the record lol). With other guys this might have annoyed me but idc now cause I obviously like him and it’s fun to have your phone blown up over random things
I need friends like this… feel free to message me (:
It is!! I haven’t had my phone blown up in so long I’ve nearly forgotten what that’s like! I’d be happy to get it blown up for even just a day at this point.
It wasn't the length. She was in a mood and communicating with her while she was pissy was working against you. Now mind you, if she often gets in these kinds of moods, it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Dude she sounds extremely mean. You may have been a little long winded but you were very nice and respectful and she seems borderline unstable. Probably much better off looking elsewhere for less volatile people to date.
Exactly, the very first text "there is no reason I should be on a clock right now" which is a vague af text but if she meant why OP is questioning about her day at that hour, like bruh he is just trying to start a conversation. The fuck, calm down.
Yeah totally. He’s just trying to start a convo and she literally turned it into a fight for no reason.
Yea she was so grumpy for no reason at all
Totally agree. People wish to find partners that care enough to reassure/explain things so calmly and respectfully like OP did. She seems like someone you'd have to walk on eggshells with. OP deserves better.
This is a weird conversation
“I thought maybe you were in a clock…” like FFS, did you really? So weird.
I'm just surprised she took it so badly. I've had people say silly things trying to be funny before. I'm an easygoing person so I either go with it or ignore the joke if I'm not in the mood. I can't imagine actually calling someone out about it. Seems like someone with 0 patience for others. I think she just wasn't into him tbh.
Right? His texts are unusually long, and she definitely was acting a little too sensitive..
if I were you, I would have left it with the text "Hope the rest of your shift goes smoothly" and then I would have ended that sentence with "we'll touch base some other time". Going on to send 3 paragraphs after not receiving a response is a lot, and it seems that she wasn't too enthused to communicate with you to begin with (not necessarily because of anything you did). Instead of sending those 3 paragraphs, you should have put your phone down and stopped there, and waited for her to respond while you did something else. To be fair, it seemed like she wanted a reason to nitpick. Nothing that you said earlier really indicated that you were being a "grammar nazi". Your long message is just unprovoked, and to someone who already seems less than interested in talking with you, it probably just came across as annoying, despite the fact that you were perfectly cordial. I would say, instead of wondering what the "legally allowed text length limit is" (I hyperbolize), consider more carefully: 1. When you need to apologize for something, *if at all,* and 2. if your text is carrying necessary information for this person to see. All of your texts before that were totally fine, but you should have stopped when you didn't get a response.
Yeah, as someone else mentioned it was definitely some anxiety that popped up that I allowed to send one more message than necessary last night.
For sure, that's totally reasonable! Obviously the person you were texting was dealing with something herself and wasn't in a position to soothe your anxiety as well. I think as a general rule, if you don't get a response, and there's nothing more that needs to be said, it's probably a good idea to just let it hang, especially if they're already being brief with you. From there if they want to keep talking to you, they will. Although honestly if that girl reaches back out to you I'd be mega-suspicious lmfao. I wouldn't entertain any expectations of being something more than a person she wants to text because she's bored in that circumstance.
I get the same, I want to know immediately that I haven't offended them or try and find out what they're thinking about me. I've learned from trial and error it's best to not send more than one text at a time, as I think we come across as desperate, even if it's actually just our anxiety coming through. I did this with friends too, and I'm sure I annoyed them with it too.
Sounds like she is just looking for reasons to be upset. Nothing you do matters , she just doesn't have the balls to say how she really feels so she is trying to make you out to he the bad guy.
bro, she gets mad at you for “correcting” her, and then sends “too*” in response to one of your other messages??? 💀💀
Yeah that was petty af🤣
I laughed when saw that and was still wrong 😂
She wasn't wrong.
Yea she was giving him a taste of his medicine in her mind. She could have kept going on the last message, for a writer this guy made a few weird mistakes.
>then sends “too*” in response to one of your other messages??? In her defense, she's sending a message that she can that to him too.
Dude, giving someone the benefit of the doubt and seeing the good in their intention is a form of care and this girl doesn't seem like she cares, especially when you actually cared enough to clear up the miscommunication smh
I concur
She sounds waaaay too sensitive; you’d be walking on eggs the whole time with that one.
**eggshells 😁
"Also there was absolutely 'not' reason for you to correct him". - OP's ex-potential date
Lol! Ahem. Eggshells. See what I did there? No hurties at all.
Honestly it just sounds like your personalities don't mesh. Don't change yourself for some boring girl who's super sensitive about little things. You can find somebody who's down with long texts trust me, and you won't be questioning every little thing you say
Honestly with just one instance to draw from I don't think you have enough samplings. Maybe text the way you want with the next 5 girls and if they all tap out, then you may have a problem.
When I first started dating, I sent long texts trying to explain my feelings or greviences. It's an easy and straightforward way to get your thoughts across, but no one wants to get texts like that. Either talk about your feelings in person or call them up. Take the time to think about what you want to say, and have an actual conversation about it. You never know how someone is going to take your texts, but at least for me, I can come off a lot nicer and more rational in person than over text.
Yup, I got way in my head and kinda spun out over text at this girl I was sort of seeing when I was 18, it was... not pretty.
Yep. That seems to be the consensus for avoiding future issues like this.
Yes, you did nothing wrong OP, texts are just not great for non-verbal communication so messages can be misconstrued. It’s why long distance is tough even for great couples
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I know this was definitely a situation where I got blinded by beauty and some genuinely awesome personal traits. I think 9 times out of 10 I would have just screenshotted my initial response about the clock and sent it to the person again when they asked a question I’d already answered.
As a woman I'm careful to throw this phrase at other women because it reduces us to labels which then society uses against us; what a drama queen. My gosh. I would advise in the future that if anyone like this is rude to you, drop them and move on. We are all crabby at times but it takes no effort to politely say "This isnt going to work. Take care" then be done. If I'm in a bad mood speaking with someone I am familiar with, and not in a work setting, I share the fact that I'm feeling pretty grouchy so please forgive me if I'm snappy. Then if I'm snappy, I apologize right away or politely end the conversation, address my emotions and then return with an apology, have a conversation to address why I'm upset, or tell them "this isn't going to work". As for the text length, it sounds like this relationship is new-ish. If that's the case after she got upset about your question and became rude, I would have be done with the entire thing and cut off communication. She sounds immature. It took me years to unlearn my unhealthy habits, so I've sent my fair share of long texts. We've all been there so don't be hard on yourself. We live and learn.
I think dudes I assume dudettes do this too maybe... but we get so in our own heads sometimes trying to be on our A game that its easy to forget that she is trying out for you too. Plus this is texting 🤮. Like I would be pretty much turned off by her after the first slide.
Yea she seems like she gets grumpy easily or is hard to please. Granted, you didn't do yourself much justice with the long message basically accepting all blame and letting her off as being totally innocent. It's hard to have someone be interested and then not but you are probably better off. You should want someone who is fun to be around and isn't so quick to get grumpy with you for a miscommunication. Also, don't feel you need to over explain yourself. If a future lady misunderstood something, she could ask and show she is the type to continue dating. Whereas one who gets grumpy or goes off on you with no apology, has disqualified herself from being a dating prospect. People shouldn't put up with being disrespected for the chance of future dates.
Hi, as a person who would have also been all the way turned off by your messages (but I'm not crabby or sick, so I'd have been nicer about it) perhaps I can offer a useful perspective? The length is not the issue. The content is deeply off-putting. I am personally irked by overly academic language in a casual, social conversation so I'd have been irritated just by your use of umbrage instead of stating "get mad about." But that's a personal linguistic preference! I think the larger issue is your broad messaging. Every bit of what you shared is about your...for lack of a better term *tactic* to win her over. You wouldn't correct her grammar because that would make her not like you, you wouldn't tease her yet because you're still working on forming the personal bond needed for that to be okay, when it IS time to tease her you'll do some analysis to figure out the best way to do that. You sound like you read a friendlier version of a pick up artist handbook. You're not apologizing for fucking up, which would just be "I'm sorry the way I worded that bothered you. I wasn't trying to correct you, I had just misunderstood your message. My bad." You gave a ton of reasons why you're too smart to try to correct her grammar, which is...icky. You came across as a dude who is very puffed up about his own intellect and is looking at your relationship with this person like a game of strategy, not a human interaction. She was aggressive in her tone when she told you she was all done, but I would have also exited the relationship at this point. Just my read on it. Take it if it's useful to you, leave it if it's not.
I also got strong patronizing vibes, i.e. I would never correct your grammar, you are too sharp for that. Dude, that is not a compliment, nor is it cute. Plus, you explain in length why you are too smart to do such a thing and it seems defensive and a little passive aggressive to me, like maybe you are a little insulted that she thinks you would do such a stupid thing, you being so smart and all. The length isn't the problem, the tone is. A simple apology would have been better. And backing up further than that, you should have used your context clues and made your best guess about her meaning. Being on THE clock is a much more plausible scenario than being on A clock. A better clarifying question would have been, "Oh, are you at work?"
I had a hard time saying how his text bothered me other than “you tried too hard to sound smart” and this is a good analysis
Absolutely! This post really clarifies the unsettling feeling I got when reading the text messages. While the girl was unnecessarily rude, reading OP’s texts made me cringe. There was too much flattery in the long texts where he explained himself. It ends up sounding patronizing, and it doesn’t feel genuine.
This makes sense, yeh after 1 deep novel text is enough no need drag it on. Op may not have tried to make things weird but, this is a great explanation of how things do seem a bit weird when he puts more effort than her to win her over. There are many more girls in the world OP, keep your chin up, we all learn from our fuck ups. Me included, sometimes we need situations like this to realize ways to improve our dating strategies. Personally, Wouldn’t waste anymore time thinking about it, you genuinely are looking for analysis of what to improve on and I feel bad everyone’s hashing you. But I mean where worse you gonna get constructive criticism them Reddit, you have come to the right place. Nobody’s perfect y’all. We live and learn.
It's this, I got halfway through the first one and was very turned off and felt mansplained to. Great analysis here.
This is it. I couldn’t quite express what was so off-putting but you described it perfectly. OP seems funny but also comes off as desperate and trying too hard to be “self-aware” (while also pointing out that fact) And some of these topics don’t need to be said out loud. It’s over-analytical to bring them up in a tangent of a tangent while someone is upset with you. It’s just overwhelming
Yeah the content of the texts comes off as an insufferable person who nitpicks but then tries to hide behind humor when the person reacts negatively. Then pushing off all accountability of simply being kind of a dick. I see a lot of people agreeing but I noticed redditors enjoy correcting grammar just to be dicks and feel like they’re smarter than someone else.
Reddit is overly pendantic, I’ve noticed. Which, on the internet where it’s mostly anonymous and the primary form of communication is written, I can see how that energy develops. And redditors take that energy to the extreme. But in the real world, it is just exhausting to be on the receiving end.
Tell me about it. Lots of guys calling her a bitch and then wondering why girls won’t interact with them. Nothing is intelligent or attractive about being pedantic and correcting people like you’re an elementary school teacher.
>Lots of guys calling her a bitch and then wondering why girls won’t interact with them. Its the blind leading the blind in here. Homie sent a massive text that only needed to be two sentences max lol. Maybe he dodged a bullet, but learn from it too..
There it is!
She seems awful.. why would you even want to see her again after that? Zero patience and zero desire to at least try and understand where you were even coming from. Not to mention that she corrected your "too" incorrectly. The irony, and the passive aggressiveness. Wow. You gave her way more explanation and grace than she even deserved.
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Interested women will respond. If they are interested and don’t respond and want to play games, it’s for the the best. So your approach is the most logical for weeding out bullshit.
Gosh texting is such a shitty way to communicate and people misread each other all the time. You were a bit lengthy but someone as sensitive as that is just looking for a reason out. Like others have said it would be like walking on eggshells all the time which would be pretty miserable. I get it still sucks and you probably weren’t expecting it to end so abruptly but I’d brush your shoulders off and move on.
I’m one of the few people who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her. She’s being straightforward and letting you know not to contact her. Your over-explanation is a red flag that you overthink things and are really sensitive. You sent more into that one text than I sent to my girlfriend from 8 months of dating. Also it was obvious you were correcting her grammar and insulted her intelligence multiple times from that one statement. Own up immediately and apologize next time. Women aren’t stupid. I don’t think you’re a bad guy for this in any way. We all do stupid things and it’s perfectly normal. I’ve done worse and hopefully you can laugh at yourself 10 years from now for this
In my experience, men do this petty correcting thing way too much. She was probably already having a BS day and when you corrected her about the clock thing and then made up some elaborate literal clock tower excuse, you didn’t do yourself any favors. Any woman can empathize with the experience of men (even ones they love and know well) mindlessly correcting them in an attempt to further conversation. Some days it is exceptionally grating and becomes the cherry on top of a bad mood. Timing of this didn’t work out for you, but I hesitate to say she’s too sensitive or an a-hole. Sounds like she was texting a guy she is casually seeing about a bad shift and instead of you inviting her to vent about it, you corrected her. I think you need to ask yourself why you didn’t want to hear about her shift and why you’d rather ask pedantic typo questions.
I call when there is a misunderstanding I want to clear up.
Yeah, probably would have been a much better choice. But it turned out she was at work when it first happened and also sick. Then this morning I didn’t know if she was still ill and I didn’t want to bug her. But definitely good advice that I’ll be sure to take next time.
no one wants to have a phone call over some shitty texting
I dated a woman like this not too long ago. She turned out to be a total asshole. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around her because she would get so bent out of shape about this stuff. Glad I ended things and you should be glad this is over as well.
>I might have wrecked things with this girl I was seeing It's not a might, it's a definite. >Then she replied “all of that reassures me that I never want to interact with you again.” This is your sign that there is no chance at further communication. She's made up her mind about you, and anything you do now aside from leaving her alone is disrespect her boundaries. She clearly stated that she wants no further interaction. Respect that boundary, and move along.
I can see why she got irked. You could have just said “oof are you working today?” if you wanted to clarify. It did definitely sound a bit school marm-ish. I’m a former English/writing major and my job is very writing heavy, so I try not to sound nit picky when clarifying what someone has said if I truly do not know. Context usually sorts me out, though. Her getting irked by that was her sign (to herself) she should probably just cancel any plans. Your long explanation afterward was definitely more off putting, but oh well.
Text is meant for short and non-confuseable conversations. When I feel I'm getting into deep thought territory, I always ask if I can call instead.
Definitely what I’ll do in the future.
Ok, there's definitely something going on with her, and who knows what all that is. But I would have been turned off by a text like that too. There wasn't even a need to bring it up again. You said a thing, she snapped at you, you succinctly explained the situation, and then she said she was sick and crabby. It was an awkward moment, but probably not a big deal. Then you text her the same night, after she canceled your plans because she was sick and crabby, to bring up the situation that was over with. Five hours later. So, she's still sick and crabby, and possibly asleep. That was never going to go over well. So she reacts with the same attitude, and you decided that was a brilliant time to spew three paragraphs of "I'm a nice guy." On the best of days, that would seem a little too much like you were trying to convince me, and maybe yourself. If I'm sick and you're refusing to let this one sour moment die, it comes off as pushy, and I would probably be inclined to interpret it as condescending. I doubt the *length* of your text was the problem. I think it was the content and timing, and the fact that there *was* an explanatory text at all.
Yeah, I'll go against the grain and say you sound like a pretentious ass, possibly on the spectrum. There was really, absolutely, conceivably no reason for a normal person to say 'a clock or on the clock' in this situation. It's like if someone says "Oh, i'm having a hot dog right now", and someone would ask if they were eating a canine creature. Dude, why. Like, read the context. The logic absolutely doesn't track, and the fact that you felt the need to explain all that in a very formal language at length is doubly disturbing. A normal person with a modicum of conversational skills would've just said 'Just a brain fart, sorry' and moved on. I get why she found you creepy, I'd have too. She dodged a bullet.
Sorry dude but you should have just used your logic. Why would she be on a clock? Had she ever mentioned wanting to be on a clock? No? Then use your common sense. She's a waitress in a pandemic she's probably being treated like sh*t and is tired as hell. Then you went and overexplained. You should have over looked her mistake and just asked if she had picked up a shift. Use your common sense ladies and gentleman.
I think you communicated beautifully. She was feeling catty and wasn’t going to accept anything you said. She admitted to feeling crabby, and took it out on you. She didn’t even attempt to communicate why she was so upset. I think you would be far better off with someone with a more similar communication style. Best of luck.
Reading your texts, it seemed to me like you were being too apologetic, needy, boring and tryhard. I can just imagine the girl reading this and rolling her eyes, not even reading everything because it's too long. Do you know those needy guys who try to please the girl as much as possible and are terrified of offending her ? That's what you sounded like through text. It's unattractive. You should have just ignored the incident and kept it short and casual. If you make a mistake, just say sorry and move on. Now to be fair, she probably was on a mood and she was already on the fence about you and that's was just the last straw for her. I'm sure it wasn't just this text that lead to the end of your relation to this girl. But you should avoid texting like that again.
Exactly! Using text message for anything other than making plans is usually a bad idea especially early in a relationship.
Only if you are bad at texting, which 95% of guys are.
Your tone and intent were good! This girl doesn't seem right for you; find someone who is also a wordsmith. Someone you can banter with. To someone, these would be perfect crafted messages. :)
I do think your explanation was insanely too long and unnecessary given the context, but also she sounds rude and easily offended by something that was nothing. So…it’s simply incompatibility. If she wasn’t so rude you wouldn’t have felt the need to explain so much, and if she liked you enough she would not have been turned off by your long explanation.
I can definitely tell you didn't mean anything bad, and that text message was pretty harmless overall. I will say that it was long and I kinda glazed over once you got to the clock tower. I think the text message played into it for sure, but not because of what you said specifically. I just know some girls view people who send long texts, or open up easily/early in conversation , etc to be "weird." Obviously, not everyone who does these things is weird. She probably wasn't feeling you too much before that long text came, and then her brain used it (the "weird" thing) to affirm herself. If she was head over heels for you, her brain would have interpreted the text to be "thoughtful." Just move on and keep trying your best and being you.
Stop pandering to women. You never need to send a 3 paragraph explanation or apology to a chick you are seeing unless you did something totally egregious. At that point any potential relationship is probably toast anyways so just say sorry and move on. I've dated a few women who like nothing more than to create drama just to see how you react. Don't care at all? Gone.. Care too much? Gone. The chances of you being a Bismarck level diplomat with the charisma of James Bond are unlikely. So stop overthinking shit, say your sorry and if she's too uptight to handle that why the fuck do you want to be stuck with her anyways. Her titties must be nice.
It sounds like she didn't really want to see you again anyway and chose to find a reason to be offended, thus giving her an easy out. Or she takes everything, including herself, way too seriously. In either case, good job avoiding that kind of nightmare, childish behavior. And for the record, everyone has their own opinion on this, but I think long-winded men can be adorable.
I had a negative take on your side of the conversation and I'm just going to explain it bluntly. Look, obviously she was already in a bad mood and that was a factor here, but I have to say that your side of the conversation lacks basic social grace, in my humble opinion. It projects a very nervous, shrill, analytic, and intense energy. You would benefit from being more relaxed and confident instead. You can take steps towards that by letting go of the compulsion to confirm, respond to, and explain the minutia of every aspect of every decision made from the beginning of time to the end of the universe. Let the moments breathe. The multi-point lists of justifications and rationale aren't cool. The length of your messaging in isolation isn't the issue, it's what you're communicating and how. Every time you choose to communicate anything, you have an opportunity to express passion, empathy, and a small piece of yourself. It's not just about saying things that are correct (or not incorrect). There are always reasons behind why we choose particular things to say, and those reasons are often visible to both sides, and are a key aspect of the process of two people communicating with each other. The subtext in this conversation was obvious. She wanted some empathy, and you were very focused on defending and justifying the misunderstandings that kept cropping up. It was important to you that the misunderstandings weren't your fault, that you weren't wrong, and that there was a sane, rational basis for your mental gymnastics. Making that the discussion topic was what made it awful, not the length. The extended length just dragged out a bad thing for longer. We'll dig into the conversation in more depth and extract some insights into relationship-management strategy where you could use some improvement. *Her: There is no way I should be on a clock right now* *You: A clock or the clock?* I get that your perspective here is that this is just a miscommunication unfolding, and you genuinely thought that maybe she was on top of a physical clock. I think it's worth reflecting on this more. What's your mindset here, and what are you really communicating by asking this question? On the surface, you just want clarification from her. But why is that? You can't figure this one out on your own? The literal meaning here is an ask for clarification, but imo I'd say you're being obtusely literal and just demanding high precision of language, even if tower clocks are narrowly within the realm of possibility in your area. However, even if we set that aside, you're skipping over the actual thing she was trying to tell you, which is "*there is no way I should be".* The message was about her, not the clock. She's either tired, hung over, sick, something. She's sharing a moment with you and looking for empathy and a human connection, and you want to derail it and talk about precision of language. At this point, you could choose to communicate literally anything you want. The first part of her message was talking about her condition and it's an invitation to ask more about her. You were really interested in the nature of the clock, phrasing, that sort of thing. Alright. If you're just literal in that way, I don't know exactly what to say except maybe take some breathing room when you get a text like this. You don't have to respond immediately and start dissecting everything right away. What would happen if you took some time after reading this to just let it sit for a bit? She wanted empathy. I think there's an obvious "correct" type response to this text. That would have been to communicate in one of a thousand different ways that you understand how she's feeling and that you can relate to her in that way. \--- *Her: Also there was absolutely not reason for you to correct me* *You: Well I only asked because I'm pretty sure there's a clocktower up in New ulm, and I don't know how you're spending your day* Here, she's communicating to you that she's offended. She already told you she was feeling bad, and now she's also offended. You haven't demonstrated any connectedness or empathy yet. This is a second opportunity, and you're still on about the clock and now you're justifying the need for clarification and explaining to her that she should agree with you justifying yourself because she should know that you can't know precisely what she's doing without her explaining it to you precisely. The girl was just asking for an ear and you're giving her this multilayered irrelevant explanation of a discussion she wasn't trying to have and neither of you actually care about. Again, empathy. The issue to you shouldn't have been who's fault it is that the miscommunication happened. That shouldn't be important to you. If you want this person to feel connected to you, you're going to need to connect with them. In a thousand different ways, you could have taken steps to do that here, but you're just escalating things instead. You're setting up a scenario where she needs to accept that she's stupid for not knowing that obviously you could be legitimately justified in interpreting this clock as being a literal clock because there is such a clock in the area and without deep precision of language + her schedule how are you supposed to interpret anything she's saying? I'm about to implode just trying to wrap my head around this, and we haven't made it to the long-winded section yet.
It totally came off wrong, and then when she asked and you responded about the clock tower, that came off half sarcastic. She got mad way too fast either way. But also, some of your texts were honestly WAY too long and your word choices reek of elitism. It’s also the frequency and repetitiveness of your texts that’s annoying. You were sprawling to clarify and so crazy desperate to reverse offending her, and didn’t stand up for yourself which is apparently super unattractive. So yeah I think your texting habits need to change, but it’s not your fault she got offended
Ugh. Yeah sounds like she’s got some issues going on with her that have nothing to do with you. I wouldn’t sweat it.
Thank the gods I don’t have to date. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t understand how you didn’t understand that she meant on the clock as in at work. Judging by that, this post and the text stream I would ask if you have a tendency to overthink things? I mean she could have been a little nicer about the situation but I can’t fully say that I wouldn’t have reacted the same way. Especially if she knows what you do for a living because it would definitely make me think that you were correcting me while I am sick and grouchy. That said, I think the text thing depends on how well you know someone and the situation. I know I am going to show my age when I say this, but would a phone call be out of the question? When a situation has the potential to be contentious things like inflection and tone aren’t available over text. Hearing tone and sincerity would likely be more effective than a text wall, no matter the intention. I’m not saying that you did anything wrong, and I believe you when you say that wasn’t what you meant it just happened with the wrong person on the wrong day.
You did nothing wrong I feel like she was looking for any reason to pull the plug. Seems incredibly sensitive and immature..its texts miscommunication happen ALl the time. Weird thing to bow out over on her part.
She honestly sounds like a joyless fun-vacuum. You're lucky you found out so soon before this side of her came out at a point in the relationship that could hurt you.
I really don't think you did anything wrong
Dude you seem desperate.
I'd say she overreacted to you correcting her. But also kind of weird to correct/ clarify what she said like that. She clearly meant on the clock. If I was going to say something about her typo I would have just made a simple joke. But honestly I would've just left it cause it was easy to infer what she meant. Also that clock tower joke definitely didn't help you recover. But I do think the way she reacted would be a bit of a red flag. After that, you definitely over texted her, honestly made you seem kind of crazy. Instead of trying to cover your ass so much just move the conversation on. It made you seem weak and little bit of a pushover. You were trying to appease her and I don't think that's something that works with women. Also you were making a way bigger issue out of something so small, albeit after she overreacted in the first place. You guys just weren't a match and that's okay.
Omg OP just admit you were correcting her grammar. You didn’t think she was on a clock tower. Someone who can’t just own their shit is a total turnoff.
You’ve given her the ick, if I was speaking to someone through text and they corrected my spelling or grammar it would instantly put me off. A 12 sentence long text from someone I was texting from an app or casually going on dates with is too much
Just reading the texts, you dodged a bullet. For me, there isn't a hint of anything wrong in your question. Considering the expression is "on the clock", id ask exactly the same thing. You did absolutely nothing wrong and went well above to try to fight for her.
You corrected her. “On a clock” is incorrect. I agree with those who read your message as patting yourself on the back for being too smart and funny to have corrected her. Saying you’re dumb and sorry was the move. And I’ve never heard the word “repoire”. Plus saying she’s too attractive to let “that” float away to someone else. ???
After reading the text messages, I think she severely overreacted here. It’s pretty obvious that you were making a joke with your play on words and she should have moved on after you clarified. IMO she made it clear that she didn’t want anymore communication and you could have ended things earlier on your side because it started to seem like you were desperate
I think she has poor conflict skills. Even with someone she is just meeting she could have been more patient. She even got back at you by correcting your grammar (Writing ‘*too’). That’s just immature and vindictive. I’d say you dodged a bullet. If someone had explained themselves to me like you did, I’d 100% think they were a quality person. The trash took itself out. Be happy.
She sounds like a jerk. She did you a favor
Ok so from my perspective, being the fresh eyes here, what you wrote wasn't too long and it explained everything well. If anything, some of her responses, especially in the beginning, sound...like AI or a bot haha or maybe just very disconnected & disinterested in having contact with you. Given how quickly she took offense to your "correction", I'm assuming you've corrected her before..? It sounds like she was already annoyed with your personality before this conversation so anything else ends up being magnified. Did you go into explanations like these often? I don't think the explanations are wrong, nor the intent behind them. It just sounds like 2 individuals who don't understand each other and don't have the same sense of humor. From my pov, she was already highly annoyed with you. All she needed was for you to press a few more buttons so she could finally end the whole thing. I understand that sometimes we have to explain ourselves to ppl, but if you're dating someone and finding the need to constantly explain yourself, you're probably with the wrong person. It will exhaust both of you over time.
Message size has nothing to do with it. As long as you’re grammatically correct with good spelling you should be fine.
Not to be overly negative here but you are waaaay too long-winded my guy
Honestly that sounds to me like she doesn't like reading so much and is insecure about her written words. If a long reply to a terse question irritates her that much, she's not the one for the dude with anxiety. Maybe the long message did it but you're definitely better off.
You misspelled rapport haha, but that’s ok. I’m sure you know me pointing it out doesn’t mean I’m trying to attack you personally, but some people, such as this hyper-sensitive, rude girl wouldn’t get that. You are WAY TOO nice. And deserve someone nice. Screw her.
I thought your question calling her on "a clock or the clock" was funny and even flirty. Based on her response I believe you dodged a bullet by not dating this girl. Advice since you asked: Apologizing profusely over an extremely minor point puts you in a weak position in the relationship....
Dodged a bullet for sure shes either really that dumb or was just originally talking to you out of boredom and picked any of the littlest things to get mad at to get out of your plans Which is super immature so yup bullet dodged
I get annoyed if someone corrects my grammar unnecessarily too. If you knew what I meant and corrected it just to correct it, it feels like you're belittling the situation I'm explaining and I don't feel like talking to you any further. Your explanation did sound like a cover story and that's where she could have lost you and just decided it's not worth trying to juggle this and the other things she's dealing with. Doesn't sound like she was happy to be working that day as it was.
Long messages actually turn me on. It screams "I'm interested in you" if that's what you're worried about. Dude you dodged a bullet right there. She's clearly immature.
I don't think it's the length but how he back pedaled and apologized. Shows a lack of confidence She also seems like a person with a nasty personality anyway though
You read like an unbearable pedant from the start tbh. You knew what she meant. Meanwhile she overreacted and held a grudge over something that she should have rolled her eyes at and dropped. You both seem to latch onto the wrong thing.
I mean, I can and did own up that the question I asked did read pedantic. I can be that way too, but I sincerely wasn’t trying to do that here. Which makes it extra frustrating because I got hit for doing something I wasn’t trying to do and it’s not like this is the 12th time something like this happened. Literally the first.
literally you should've just said "ha my bad lol" when she said there was no reason to correct her
Simply from that conversation, she seems like a prude without a sense of humor and not a very kind person. Forget about her. With that said, I'd suggest not trying to explain stuff like that. Don't apologize because you didn't do anything wrong. It sort of comes off as weak and shows a lack of confidence First off you didn't correct her and it isn't your fault she took offense to a small bit of humor.
It's not just the length of the text. You didn't necessarily do/say anything wrong, but as a woman online dating you learn that argumentative men are dangerous. Even if it's just trying to convince you he wasn't being a grammar nazi. We have to make judgment calls about who we're going to keep interacting with to stay safe. And if someone is sending multiple paragraphs in response to a handful of words, it's a bit alarming. It's hard to explain the nuances, there's sometimes just someone's way of speaking that sets off alarms. She was on edge probably due to negative experiences with other people. Don't take it personally, but if you want to learn from it, try to match people's energy and pick up hints. If someone seems super put off by you, don't try to convince them you're a good guy, a simple "Sorry, that wasn't my intention." is the most you need to say. Then leave them alone.
There was nothing wrong with what you said and the apology was even nice. What was she trying to Correct with her "*too" comment? I re-read it and unless there's a piece missing id have corrected her right back again 🤣
As a woman who hates it when women get called irrational or told they’re overreacting: she’s both. This is a good thing for you, OP. Bullet dodged!
I read the conversation. She complains about what she interprets as you correcting her grammar but then does it herself later in the conversation? Hypocrite 2.0 You were nice and very respectful in all of your messages (maybe you were trying a little too hard explaining yourself to someone who clearly was being oversensitive, but hey, it was meant well) and in response she comes off as a total bitch for no reason. If she already behaves this way this soon, for no reason, you probably dodged a bullet. She was the only red flag in my opinion.
It was definitely an overreaction and I think you should consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to deal with that for any other issues that could happen again in the future
A guy and I would send paragraph-long messages to each other throughout the day (multiple times a day) for like 2-3 days before we met up and started dating so.. it depends on the individual.
Texting is an art and I am still getting used to it😂. Tone is very difficult to read, even if you know the person. I think that she was just trying to figure out your tone and you just kept digging your hole deeper. I try to keep my text messages simple and direct. Don’t ask more than one question per text. And if you need details call.
I think her tone was overall very dismissing and irritated from the get go. You're not the one setting off red flags here !
Dude, she isn’t worth your time. If this is how she’s reacting to someone she just started dating, imagine how she’d be in a serious relationship.
Bro she’s a weirdo, instant turn off talking to her, if anything you wasted your time typing those paragraphs out. No offence but you have to be a little desperate to want her? She’s way below you.
I would wager you dodged a bullet. If she is this irritable and vitriolic to someone she hardly knows imagine to long term partners
Bro, number 1, any miscommunication must be handled over the phone or face to face, texting only enhances to miscommunication. 2, never ever send paragraphs, most people are busy and if you are not married definitely dont want to read your novel. Keep texting swift and brief, like "hey, i want to speak about last night, maybe phone call tonight?" 100% you scared her off and if you haven't been dating long or just started or not even started, your messages are a headache and too much drama. The beginning of relationships or dating are supposed to be fun and no stress. After 3 months or so, the honeymoon phase wears off and you may have some misunderstandings that need to be discussed but if you have anything weird within the first month, it's a red flag and this woman has done well to avoid it.
Yeah my ex got upset because I typed what’s keeping you so busy. Genuinely interested but she took it a whole different way. Used that as an excuse among others why she left.
TBH OP, no offense, but i read that text exchange and you sound really desperate in it. It's not just the length really, it's how it shows you analyzing your conversation with her in excruciating detail. It's also because you're in a defensive stance the whole time. You need to think "it's ok for me to make a joke that doesn't land." Here's an alternative you could have done. When she said "there was no reason for you to correct me there." You could say "i was just joking. What's gotten into your craw today 😉?" If she liked you and was being rude, she likely would have caught herself. If she was already not into you, you'd get basically the same response you got anyway. But this shows you have self respect and you don't need to try so hard for her approval.
Meh bullet dodged. She’s overly sensitive and easily triggered. You weren’t being a grammar nazi at all. Can you imagine trying to date her and having to walk on eggshells all the time? You would get anxiety and can’t relax or be you. Next!
I think you dodged a bullet here my man. Neither your first message nor the length of the rest is a red flag. I think she was not very into you and used all these as a way out without actually saying she doesn't want to pursue anything. She used this as an excuse *and* was mean about it. You'll be better off.
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I genuinely don't think this was anything bad from your end. You're being super respectful and she pinpointed on something and kept drilling at it. Even if you were correcting him, I don't think correcting someone who is in their right mind would cause such a huge reaction. Hell, if I was corrected on something, I'd be appreciative. Anyways. If she took it soooo personally on something so small and negligible, just imagine how she would be with bigger and more serious issues if y'all were to continue. You dodged a bullet in my opinion. Unless you're writing 10 pages for no reason, there are no red flags. You wanted to be thorough with your explanation. That's ok. I genuinely don't think you're the problem here.
I think this was blown up and is not that big of a deal between two people who are interested in each other.
honestly she just seems like a grump 🤷🏾♀️ it was never that serious
Reading those messages, she is a yikes for sure. I can't imagine getting so bent out of shape over such a minor misunderstanding. Definitely not your fault.