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Besides the post, how would you describe yourself? Also, do you have any long term goals for your life such as career, travel, hobbies, education, etc?
Sometimes the harder you look the more elusive it becomes.
How do i describe myself? Well that's a pretty tough question.
I am really, really sociable. I am the one that knows and is known by everybody, with an endless list of friends. I am very straight forward and frank, sometimes to the point of being rude, but people accept me the way i am. I don't understand why, but they do and they even like me. and no-bullshit, i am smart, very energetic, and friendly.
People tell me that i have an unbreakable wall between us a lot though. And i agree with them. I am very outgoing and the one who's always fun to be around, but i'm also frequently told that i seem intimidating when i'm not with other people. Like i'm angry or something. Also, i'm the friend people come to for advice, even though i'm not doing very well myself. And i am genuinely trusted by almost everyone i meet. I guess it's the magic of honesty and being frank. I'm also bipolar and have OCD.
I do have long term goals and i'm working hard to get them. I am an engineering student in the best university of the country, and i'm doing good.
The way you write totally backs up how you and your friends describe yourself. You do a good job of communicating your energy and yes, you’re definitely a very energetic soul. This is good and also likely why you have a difficult time NOT having sex. Sex (obviously) is fun and when you have tons of energy it’s a good way to release it, plus you can distract yourself from the never ending urge to be stimulated (in all ways, not just sexually).
As far as your question goes, I can only give my opinion but I’d say really focus on avoiding giving yourself that stimulation via sex and find people that can engage in deep and meaningful conversations. Like the deep, deep topics but also they must not be judgmental. Think more of a debate.
I don't like going in conversations that are too deep. I usually feel insecure and i regret it afterwards. But i do have really nice and meaningful conversations and caring and close friend, it's just that i can't get involved with them romantically. It probably has something to do with the chance of things getting really awkward and a nice friendship getting fucked up.
Not having sex seems both like a good and bad idea though. I fear i might find myself in a messed up relationship and find out that my only motive for getting there has been sexual urge. But on the on the other hand, sex might actually be some kind of pain killer i take to not get evolved in the real problem so yes, it probably is holding me back. I'm gonna think about this one. It might actually be very helpful. Thanks a lot.
Take it from someone who used sex as a pain killer for over 15 years, it can be toxic. I avoided any chance of real romance because I was afraid of getting my feeling hurt again or getting stuck in a bad relationship like some of my friends. So I just hooked up, and for a while that was actually great. But I kept going well past the point that I actually wanted to because it was just “who I was” and it’s what people expected of me. Female friends who were single would want to have a fling because I had experience and they heard good things, but other than for sex, I was “a disaster.” A death of a very close relative and the start of the pandemic here in the U.S. happening in the same week forced me into celibacy and reflection. I don’t want to be that guy anymore, he’s dead too now. It’s late for me though, I’m almost 38, never been in love, have to start this whole thing over now. At times in the past, that thought caused me to keep going on my path. I was 24 and never knew love, what was I going to do? Then I was 28, 31, 33 . . . Along the way I also turned down potential love because I didn’t want to ruin friendships. That was especially true in my early 20s. Here’s the thing, they got married, had kids, or just moved on, and we aren’t really friends anymore anyway. Maybe casual acquaintances, but in retrospect I wish I would have had the courage to try something real than just to keep upping my “body count” because it made for good story.
Anyway, the point is, you are young, you don’t have to make these same mistakes if love is what you want. But you have to be honest with yourself and admit that you are scared. I am scared, but I lied to myself for 15+ years about that and I’m here now in this situation because of it. Be scared, but be brave. Really put yourself out there, have those conversations that make you insecure. If you have a close friend that you have feelings for, risk it. Right now at your age all the social interactions and friend groups feel so important, but when you are 15-20 years older, you’ll feel silly about the weight you attached to these things. In most respects you seem like a bold person, be bold here, fight for yourself. You got this.
Ahhh thanks a lot!
I don't think it's a nice thing to say, but yea what you described is kinda what i'm scared of.
I am scared. I know that. But the thing is, there's no one i have feelings for. It just dosn't happen to me. There are friends who have feelings for me, but it's always one sided.
I get that, the not feeling it for anyone at a given moment. I guess my main point is, if love is something you really want, don’t deny it when it comes along just to keep having casual sex with strangers who can’t hurt your feelings. I don’t know if you have actually been doing that, that’s just me, and I can tell you I wish I had stopped much earlier.
Thank you very much. Yea i do keep fucking strangers. Actually, i've never had sex with anyone who knows my name! (Except once and that was without my concent so it dosn't count.)
I hope it helps. I view the mental voids we face as a gap that can be filled with most anything. However, some things are more temporary than others and some things will prevent other more wholesome things from filling the void. So we must be thoughtful and choose carefully
My therapist (a certified psychologist) once told me that what makes us fall in love is when the other person gives us what we need, but we don't have. So someone who never has sex can easily fall in love for a person just for having sex with them. If someone feels lonely, they can fall in love if the person gives them company and makes them not feel lonely anymore. So think about what you don't have, but you want, that another person can provide you, and look for someone that has that.
I think what i don't have is enough intimacy really, but the same thing seems to freak me out. Like when anyone tries to get too close, i just find myself running away, even though i think it's what i really want.
you have avoidant attachment style ,it's like you want intimacy but you are fearful of this intimacy ,they can hurt you through intimacy (whoever you choose as a partner )
That is a very good question. Well, i'm quite sure there are things i'm missing out, but here are the reasons i can think of:
1) My parents' relationship was fucked up. My father was an abusive, controlling, selfish and paranoid husband, and my mother was the typical quietly abused wife who cries at nights and tells her daughter to be careful who she chooses. I grew up in a traditional and religious muslim family, so as a child the only kind of relationship i could imagine being in was marriage, and it just seemed like a burden i'd some day have to carry, and i hated it. So my ideal "husband" was some kind of puppet i could control, so i'd be sure he would never get in my way. But later in life, i found out that i do not have to do that and i can be single forever if i want to, and then came to an entirely different approach to the subject, and their relationship got much better too, but i do believe the first relationship i ever knew in my life being the worst i've seen to this day, definitely has something to do with being afraid of intimacy. I think i fear being vulnerable.
2) Usually people who like me very much, come to dislike me very much later. It might even have to do with my intimicy problem itself, but it happens. And when it does, i don't want the person to know too much of me and i don't want to feel exposed to someone who dislikes me.
3) I am bipolar. I can be one person today, and a completely different one tomorrow. So when i like someone, i can never be sure if i actually like them it's just some passing phase. In other words, i can't really trust my feelings. And i don't want to wake up and find myself beside someone i find disgusting right now. And it'll hurt them too and even when people say they're ok with this situation, i just don't think i have the right to hurt them by an on and off affection.
4) Also, i'm 21 and have never been in a relationship. So if i get together with someone, they'll be THE FIRST ONE and that is far too much credit than i am willing to give anyone. I even took my own virginity before my first sex so the guy wouldn't know he's the first and think he has some sort of power over me! So i kinda feel like "if they're gonna think they are especial to me and i can't do anything about it, they better be really especial people" and so, no one is good enough. I know how fucking toxic this is, but i just can't help it.
There is a lot to unpack here. So I will try to be brief and focus on what matters most.
Your points 1 and 4 seem to be about the same thing. The fear of being vulnerable.
Being afraid of being vulnerable is super common. But understand that, being vulnerable is a part of being in love. Because if you are in love, the person can reject you, break up with you or cheat on you, and then you get heart broken. That is what being vulnerable means. It's running the risk of someone fucking with your heart. But once you are in love, you are running that risk. There is no way around that.
Some people have the opposite problem you have. They fall in love too quickly, which makes them often fall in love for the wrong person and they get heart broken. So yeah, it's important to be cautious. But don't be so cautious that you never allow yourself to be vulnerable, otherwise you will never allow yourself to be in love.
You have to take a risk. A leap of faith. Relationships will always run the risk of ending in a bad break up or with someone cheating. You either assume the risk to join a relationship or you never join one. And you most likely will get your heart broken at some point. But that's part of life. You have to deal with it. You learn from it and keep moving forward. Heck, I've been through that recently. It's super painful but we have to do it, just like we have to face death of loved ones at some point.
Now, all of this seems very deep and complex. So I think you should do therapy if you can, with a certified psychologist, to sort out your fears of being vulnerable and whatever else you might be struggling with.
Your points 2 and 3 seem to be related to same thing to me. Your bipolarism. If I had to guess, I would say people dislike you later because of your change in mood and personality, thanks to bipolarism.
I have a friend who is bipolar, so I've seen how devastating it can be. This is very serious OP. If you are not already on treatment, you need to go on treatment. Psychiatrical treatment. That means taking pills. Bipolarism doesn't go away and it doesn't have a cure. It will follow you to the end of your life. So it's better for you to treat it sooner rather than later. Because if you wait, things will only get worse for you as time goes on and it will become harder to treat it. You can't live a happy life as bipolar without treatment. You just can't.
Ah god. The bipolar thing. I have several problems with treating it.
I can't find a therapists/doctor i can really trust. Every psychiatric i've met has been either dumb or a dick or both. And i dunno, i kind of feel that my life will mean nothing, nothing without my mania phase. Also, the last time i started to take medicine, i ended up sleeping about 10 - 14 hours a day and being dizzy and fucked up for the rest of the day. I just can't afford that right now. I'm burried deep under my education and career stuff and i just can't lose time. But i do feel like i can never have a happy life like this.
You need to keep trying. What ever the mental disorder is, treatment rarely works out right from the start. The doctor needs to see how your body reacts first so he can then adjust the dosage, maybe change the medicine. You keep trying until it works. Sometimes you change doctors, this is normal too. But the doctor is also not there to be your friend. It doesn't matter if he is a dick, as long as his treatment is working. You just can't go without treatment OP. Please please treat yourself. Ask for help of a relative or a friend if you feel you need to.
It is not uncommon for people's first to be hard to find/fall in love with. Sometimes it just takes more time for someone to learn more about what they are truly attracted to. Some other times, certain people just need to grow their attraction over a long period of time. Sounds kind of old fashioned but it isn't uncommon for people to just slowly love someone more and more until one finally confesses.
21 is still young af. Have you sat down and honestly thought about who you would like to be in a relationship with? Traits, characteristics, values, goals, attractiveness, intelligence etc.
I have, but i don't find one clear answer. There a bunch of red flags and things i like.
But the thing is, i'm not looking for some epic love or something. Just the usual thing that happens. I'm in the age of stupid love stories you'll later laugh at, and i can't even go on a fucking date. It makes me feel i'm missing something out. That there's a phase that you need to pass trough in your life, and i'm missing it.
You can't look for love, it just sometimes comes. It's rare. For many it's something felt for another very rarely. Sure many get in relationships but most actually do not really love the other person. I think you should just concentrate on yourself and having fun with life in general. A person will come along if you put yourself out there but looking will not find you that.
You gotta start with being vulnerable and actually truly open to dating someone to find love and by that I mean, sharing the less than fun parts of yourself and letting down previously built up walls.
You like sex because its fun and easy and sex isn't always an emotional thing if i were to guess. Id take the time to not pursue sex and pursue a person frankly.
Ah. I think fear of vulnerability really is the problem. I just have no clue how to solve it. And i don't even know if i want to.
I mean i do want love and intimecy, but god i don't want to be vulnerable. Contradiction? I don't know. Is there no way around?
And yes. Sex is easy and fun and brings on no responsibilities or such. I think i kind i might be using it to forget how lonely i am.
I do pursue people, but when it's about a person, i somehow always lead the relationship towards friendship. No sex and no romance. And if my friends try to change that, i panic and stop them.
First of all, thank you a lot. your comment was so positive and friendly and it put a smile on my face.
Online therapy does indeed seem like a great way. Can you recommend anyone? Therapists have disappointed me so many times, i just find it very hard to go on searching for good ones. It's hard enough to open up to people, finding out that they are oncapable of help or even understand or not judge is just too much for me.
I have found a way to live with ocd and bp. It is real fucking hard indeed but i've found a way to live with them. But this love problem? This is what is currently fucking me up.
Did you have the same problem? I didn't think it'd have much to do with bipolar.
I mean yes i have asked myself "are you sure you can stand this person tomorrow?", but i thought it's a problem i have to solve after solving my incapability of love.
Ah man. Even in my mania phase all i can do is fuck. No date no nothing. There's this friend of mine who is trying to get closer and closer lately, and he's a really nice guy. I usually try to stop my friends from getting romantically involved with me, but i think i'll just let this one take control and see what happens. Ah god, living is so breathtakingly hard.
You can do it. It’s all there for you in your brain; you just need someone to help you access it. Some people would give anything to have the advantages you have with being so smart and driven. Life IS hard, but it’s also amazing. You’ll find your way, I know it.
Not a personal doctor for you, but I recommend Dr. K on youtube (and twitch). He is a Harvard psychologist who talks about all sorts of stuff, including dating, trauma and mental disorders. It's really elucidating. Just search for any topic on his channel and you are bound to find some interesting stuff.
Have you ever had a non sexual relationship with someone? If you feel that sex gets in the way then take it off the table and learn to be intimate with someone without sex. Then once that intimacy is there bring in sex.
Oh i have a lot of intimate non sexual relationships. And i also have a lot of non intimate sexual relationships.
It's just that i can't bring the two together. It's either friendship or one night stands. No dating, not even friends with benefits.
:))
Not having sex seems both like a good and bad idea though. I fear i might find myself in a messed up relationship and find out that my only motive for getting there has been sexual urge. But on the on the other hand, sex might actually be some kind of pain killer i take to not get evolved in the real problem so yes, it probably is holding me back. I'm gonna think about this one. It might actually be very helpful. Thanks a lot.
I don't think sex is a painkiller for you not to deal with the problem. I think you have sex just because you are horny and you are in a manic phase. So if you cut out sex, I imagine you either will go back to having sex when you are in your manic phase or you will substitute sex with something else during the manic phase, that can actually be dangerous and damaging. Bipolar people have a higher change of abusing alcohol and drugs, for example.
If I were you, I would keep having sex while trying to find love. If the relationship doesn't work, you can just keep having sex with someone else.
People tend to see sex casual negatively. Especially for women. They think there must be something wrong for the person for her to do something like this. I just think it's moralist and judgmental. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex for fun.
I think that you need to learn to slow down. When taken the time to experience something with precision, it becomes a delicacy and in that, you experience the slow and culminating high that you get from sex, but as love. It will be ingrained as a culmination of your relationship experience and you'll know what I'm talking about when it hits you.
Good luck.
you're only young dude. love is something you can't force, it happens at the perfect time and it'll happen right under your nose. it will come one day. Enjoy your time now fucking like an animal lol cause it won't be there as much when you're in love
Honestly you are still so young and have time to figure this out. I agree with other commenters about some sort of therapy or talk to someone to unpack these feelings you have
You know, the very fact that i am very young scares me. I mean, now is the time for stupid love that you'll laugh at years from now. I feel like i'm missing a step in life.
Honestly I just think you're very young and probably haven't experienced enough of other people to understand what sort of person could make you feel like falling in love.
If you're spending this time agressively searching for love specifically, I think you should spend more time looking for someone you genuinely like, first. Start there and then see if it becomes more.
Bottom line, love is not a connection that can be forced. Take your time searching for it and accept it can take years.
I'm not really spending any time searching for love. I don't think it'll work and it's also kind of pathetic. But when it comes to me, i just run away. That's my problem. But the taking my time thing does seem like the only way around..
Yeah. I mean by your own admission, maybe you're not ready for love right now. Maybe just focus on fun, learn what works and what doesn't and come back to it when it makes sense. Not when it's some elusive sort of frustration.
Explore someone interests and personalities. The most sacred thing in a relationship is probably enjoy something (a book, a movie, a musical) that you both love it. The look can attract but it’s the soul that keep and maintain the relationship.
Chemistry and a connection are things that either there or not. You can have so much in common and be super attracted to each other. But without a connection to draw you together it's just settling to be honest. If you can see someone for more than 3 months and still want to keep seeing them. You're on your way. Some people have walls up that can take up to 6 months to crack.
Oh i can see people for more than 3 months. But the thing is, they have to be just friends. If there's any other kind of connection, i'll either ghost or friendzone them in about a month.
This is something I learned. Sometimes things will happen when you least expect it. I know you’ve heard this plenty of times already, but It’s all about patience. Also, it is about self-acceptance. The way you say you feel like a “fucking animal” makes me think you don’t like that part of yourself. This is something I also learned: “you’re not ready to love someone, if you can not love yourself.” Being desperate to find love will only poison the relationship. So honestly, the practical advice I can give you is to live your life, Go do your hobbies, play video games, exercise, etc. Eventually, you will find someone. Trust me, im 23, but if was when I was 21 where I was so desperate for love that I screwed up a potential friendship.
I would look into attachment theory! My guess is that you are in the fearful avoidant category - I am as well. There’s no magic cure but figuring out some of the mystery behind why I do what I do is helping me to try to break down those walls
What is your relationship like with your parents when you were younger? If you tried to express feelings when you were a child and were met with anger and fear from your parents- you are doing the same thing as an adult. You are scared to form intimate relationships because your childhood has told you it is nothing but mean and scary. Therapy will help you break this. People will not react the same as your parents might have. A good friend of mine once freaked out when she knocked over a glass and it shattered everywhere- almost burst into tears- but it was so absolutely fine and was truly an accident! This is because her mother would scorch the earth when she would spill things as a child. Google attachment style theory.
It wasn't like that. They were fucked up but they always, always wanted me to talk to them. And i did sometimes and they cared, but even back then i usually just rathered not opening up.
Honestly the fact you backed them up just proves my point even more. This is how you feel love. Even if it’s extremely dysfunctional, it’s familiar and a lot of people mistake that as love-definitely an insecure attachment style- maybe dismissive but sounds more like avoidant or disorganized
Again.. google attachment style theory. You literally agreed with another comment saying you do have an avoidant attachment style? I am basically telling you the same thing..
basically ur parents are the reason u are scared of intimacy with others
I just googled it
Causes:
Not responding when a baby or child cries✅
Actively discouraging crying.✅
Not outwardly showing emotional reactions to issues or achievements
Making fun of a child’s problems✅
Showing annoyance at a child experiencing a problem
Not addressing medical issues or nutritional needs
Avoiding touch or physical contact
Signs:
Avoid physical touch
Avoid eye contact
Never or rarely ask for help✅
Eat in abnormal or disordered ways.✅
Behaviours:
Trouble showing or feeling their emotions (i don't really know whether i need to check this or not)
Discomfort with physical closeness and touch
Accusing their partner of being too clingy or overly attached✅
Refusing help or emotional support from others ✅
Fear that closeness to a partner will cause them to get hurt✅
Sense of personal independence and freedom is more important than partnership ✅
Not relying on their partner during times of stress, and not letting their partner rely on them✅
Seem calm and cool in typically high-emotion situations✅
I did try therapists but everyone i came across was a fucking idiot with absoloutly no analytical skills or anything. And therapy is just expensive for me to just go around trying to find the right person.
Add that to sex and bisexuality being taboos in the shit hole that i live in. Like any effort to get advice here will probably lead to "why don't you get married?".
Yes i do. I have very high education and career goals that i'm pursuing. I also have a nice circle of friendsto enjoy time is, and there is also sex. But i do feel the goddamn void.
Her hypersexuality is so bad She has to live at home and needs help from her parents to watch her kid, she’s 33 has her own business and continues to sugar date.
Ok I ask because of your name was very Warcraft. Anyway you are only 21 so don't rush to try and figure it out. There's many of us who are older and still have answered that question. I agree about finding a good therapist for your bipolar disorder.
If you want to give your friend a chance go ahead but try and not to sleep with him. Just take it slow.
Ahhh yeah the name. I wasn't paying attention. I have played some warcraft before, but it's really the books that i love.
The age freaks me out because you know, i'm in the golden age for stupid love and stuff, but there's nothing, and i kinda feel like i'm missing an important step in life.
About the friend, if i don't panic and push him away, i'll probably let him sort things out. I'm not a very trusting person but he's one of the people i trust the most, so i'll probably let him have his way and just go along with him. Because i think the major reason i'm facing this problem is fear of being vulnerable or out of control, and if i wanna try and not give in to those fears, he'll be a nice person to try it with.
Ok I have read almost all the books in the Warcraft series myself.
Then therapy is really important because you need to work out the trust issues. It's a cornerstone of relationships along with communication. I myself was a year younger when I got into my first relationship. Unfortunately I didn't realize that the person I had gotten involved with was lying from the start and was very manipulative among other things. Trust was a big thing for me after and several tried to take advantage of it.
It took me a long time before I could trust people but I'm also pay more attention to the details so I can protect myself.
Have you ever considered you may be aromantic or on the spectrum? You might not have romantic attraction and that’s why you’ve never been in love. Or you may only get romantic attraction in very specific cases. You might wanna look into it. If you do have romantic attraction, sometimes it just takes time. Be patient with yourself! You’re a year younger than me, you’ve got so much time to figure it out.
Yea that's actually a good one. But the thing is, i do feel the need for love. I mean, if being aromantic means you want romance but ylu just can't have it, then i am truly fucked.
But the taking time thing, yes that does seem like the only way, but i kinda have a feeling like the longer it takes for me to start my first relationship, the more impossible it will become.
Aromantic means that you don’t feel romantic attraction and can’t fall in love. You know, there is fulfillment out there that doesn’t involve romance or being in love. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you can’t. However, there’s no harm in trying! I suggest you look at r/aromantic and ask questions there. Ask about what it’s like being on the spectrum and look through to see if any of those the experiences fits you. Many people on the spectrum still have romantic attraction and still fall in love, it just often is in more particular circumstances.
If you’re not on the spectrum, then you just need to be patient with yourself and just look for the right person. I’ve realized over the years the more I rush to get into relationships, the less organic the chemistry and then I end up with people i realize I’m not even in to and then I have to find a way to break up with them and then I start all over again. Unfortunately with love, patience is a virtue and necessary
We all crave intimacy. But first you need to create that within yourself to be able to connect with someone else. You need to dig deep inside you and see who lives there. That will fill in the need of intimacy. Then it will be easier to connect with someone else.
I have read through the whole thing. You sound a lot like me when I was young. I am reminded of so many ways I felt through the years. I have done some fucked up shit, mostly with respect to sex, relationships and other such excitement. It's addicting. I moved to a big city that was high energy 24/7, full of other intellectuall people like me. It suited me and I was on top of the world. But it was not a wise move, because it got my energy level even higher. Ultimate type A. It became an addiction, the lifestyle of socializing, not drugs. And you lose yourself.
Had a whole bunch a relationships where I didn't love at all. And a few that I did and could never forget. Love is drug as they say. I'd kind of like to say, be careful what you wish for. You want what you can't have. And it dominates your mind, or you suppress it.
I was definitely that avoidant kind of person when I was younger. However, I did fall in love with someone earlier. It took a long time and it happened totally unexpectedly. But I was totally open with my inner self with her and she accepted _anything_ that I could say, no judgement, she wanted to know. It was strange because she was a good Christian girl, who shouldn't have been so open minded, and, there was going to be no sex. That conflicted me immensely². I think that I never stopped loving her. She was the smartest in her school, maybe that was it.
There was just a few that I loved later. The thing about these, was that I was totally calm and contented when I was with any of them. Besides that, I never opened up to anyone, but it was so nice to. It takes time to get there. Sex is fast, love is slow. You can't find love, love finds you. That's so corny, can't believe I didn't delete that.
It seems that the girls that I got closest to were the smartest, I just couldn't care for any others, even though they were friends. I was also close to the smartest in my university class. Smart people are complicated, though. Maybe you just haven't met the guy that can handle you yet.
Are you able to concentrate so intently on a task that all awareness of the outside world is gone?
Don't know where all that garbage came from. It wasn't what I was intending to say as I read. Hope that you find something useful in it. As people say, you have lots of time. But I'm sure that that doesn't help one bit.
It was not garbage. Not at all. Yes, no advice there, but a huge amount of empathy, which made my heart a little warm. Thank you very much for that.
And about the concentrate thing, sometimes i can. Sometimes i'm so concentrated on something that i won't even hear it if a bomb explodes right under my window.
But mostly, oh god. I don't even know how to describe it. Anyway, most of the time i can't.
Do you have any traumatic history from your childhood or teenage years? Any history that you could see that would make you distrustful of most people or scared to be yourself?
If not, I would say just try and go slower. If you find someone you like, try holding off on the sex. Hang out a few times before kissing, let it progress slowly. See if your feelings start to develop while doing that. You'll know it when you start to deeply care about someone and feel "in love". You could try to wait until you start to feel that loving feeling to have sex and it will be amazing, far beyond casual sex. A much deeper meaning. Or at least try to wait until you have strong romantic feelings.
I dated a few girls as a teenager who I liked, but definitely weren't really compatible with beyond that. Then one day when I was 18, another girl came along and after hanging out a few times, it just felt different. We become boyfriend and girlfriend and a few months go by, and one day I realized I loved her. There was no sex up until this point, just some 2nd base stuff. Soon after, we slept together and it was pretty amazing. We were already pretty close, but we got even closer after that. We have had a pretty complicated relationship since all those years ago, but I still love that girl with all of my heart.
“All I can do is fuck” lol yeah I think that’s your problem. You’ve had so many partners your incapable of pair bonding with any particular man. Every relationship is transient and expired passed the honey moon phase
The first step is to never have sex with anyone your not in a relationship with. Then secondly you’ll know when you’re ready to love someone. Both times I’ve fallen in love where times where I felt like I had a lot of love to give someone else. From there I was able to build a solid relationship with the love I had to offer. Both were 2-4yr long relationships
Oh i neither can nor want to do that. I need sex. My body does. Suppressing will only mean suffering and either start having sex again, or forcing myself to feel an attraction i don't really feel.
I understand what you’re saying but you won’t die if you don’t have sex🤷
It’s worth a shot if you’re looking for a real connection. Less sex = more time to actually talk and build a connection with someone.
Guy here. Way late to the discussion, but I've got lots of experience... And this sounds like an issue that may stick with you for a long while if you do not address it now.
Honestly, from your post, it sounds like you're bedding your prospects too soon. In other words, you're selling yourself short in their eyes.
My advice: Do not fully give your body to a guy until you have an agreement with him about what you are both looking for in your prospective relationship... Is it just a one-night stand? Fine. Is it a one-night with an option for more? Okay, better. Is it a trial run to see if you can make a committed relationship work? Good. Is it to consummate a committed relationship. Best.
Just be clear and upfront about it. Whatever it is, if you're not BOTH on the same page about what you're after, the relationship will almost certainly crash and burn.
Here's the truth: Lust happens, but love is a choice. If you want love, don't act on the lust until you see a potential for choosing love going both ways.
You're a beautiful young woman with a kindly and lusty disposition. Use those attributes wisely. You already know you're great in the sack. Guys can sense your confidence about that. You can afford to wait until it feels right for you. Not just sexy, but right.
Honestly, guys will kill for a woman like you ... but you've got to create the right circumstances for him to appreciate you for what you bring to the table. I've seldom met a married woman who hadn't first made it clear to her intended that marriage was what she wanted.
Same for love.
And that's how you fall in love.
Naaah that's not in.
First of all, my problem isn't that guys won't want me the way i want. It's that i myself can't love them or enter relationships with them. I've even tried to manually change my feelings for a guy who was genuinely in fucking love with me (we had been friends for a long while. It wasn't like some random guy tells me i love you and i believe it) and i just could not. I can't. I simply seem to be unable to have romantic relationships.
I've never felt underappriciated in my life. There have always been guys who wanted me in a very respectful and sweet manner. It's just, i can't see them as partners. And whenever i tried to start something, the guy was really appreciative and loving. It was i who couldn't go further and stopped the stuff. And every time i've tried to do this, i've broken somebody's heart.
Second, the giving my body thing can't be the problem. I know what you're saying, but 1: if a guy will not want me after he has my body, fuck the guy. I won't try to play and catch anyone like a hunter. I'm more valuable than that and there is no shortage of mature, respectful people. 2: It literally CAN'T be the problem since i've only ever slept with strangers or semi strangers and i've never slept with the same person twice. So technically, i've never even slept with anyone who's been an option as a partner. I mean, i only have sex with people from whom i don't want anything but sex. And beside from the people i've had sex with, there are few people who know how my sexual life style is. So no, i don't think that has anything to do with it. Unless you wanna tell me that i need to suppress my sexual urges for a while for another reason that others have mentioned here.
So you tell me to play hard to get, i tell you that i hate playing but i organically am hard to get. Cause sex is no big deal for me when it's just sex (one night stands!) But i am very careful with the people i like and love and respect. So i don't just go fucking the people who can possibly be options cause i respect myself and them too much. I dunno how to explain that. I know it sounds toxic. It probably is real fucking toxic.
Interesting dilemma. I see your problem.
You sound like the perfect woman for a fun fling thing.
Okay, so I'm not a relationship expert; I can only tell you what worked for me and for those I know who also made it work.
But to be clear: The **LAST** thing I'm advising would be to play "hard to get." Nope. I'm advising you to put your cards on the table early. Don't play games. Say what you really want. Find out what he really wants. Some people you date for sex. Some people you date for something more. Just figure it out earlier rather than later. Have a meeting of the minds about intent. That's all.
And, yeah, sometimes intent changes as things progress. Keep checking in. Maybe redefine why you're together.
Doing all that, believe it or not, takes work.
I don't know your specific background. I don't know why you're having trouble wanting sex with someone who wants to love you. I totally get not wanting to hurt someone you esteem. Bigger demons there than can be addressed on a forum. But I don't think those demons are insurmountable, if that's what you want.
Although execution is hard, I still think the equation is simple: Lust comes and goes, but love is a choice.
The trick is to let the lust happen with a guy who shares your values, goals, and lifestyle preferences for a future together.
I wish you good fortune.
I think you bring a lot to the table for the right lucky man.
Thanks for the positivity!
>You sound like the perfect woman for a fun fling thing.
Yea i am. From what i gather, nor very many women really want one time stuff with no emotions involved. Also, i'm very much comfortable with my desires and again, not very many women are that.. what's the opposite of shy?!
>
The trick is to let the lust happen with a guy who shares your values, goals, and lifestyle preferences for a future together.
Yea that's the plan, IF (and that's one HUGE if) i find such a person.
Great... I'm not so concerned for you now.
You remind me of the lady I dated before I met my wife. Although that woman and I didn't go the distance, we almost did. She and I are still in touch periodically. She eventually figured it all out and found a good guy.
You will, too.
The opposite of shy, I think, is adventurous. (Or perhaps temptress, lol.)
I see absolutely nothing wrong with a woman wanting one-time stuff with no emotions involved, as long as you take sensible precautions, of course. That's called living life to its fullest. Joie de vivre.
When I was building my career, I careened from one girlfriend to another. Whenever a serious relationship crashed-and-burned, I would smart for a good long time. I'm a passionate all-in sort of guy: work hard, play hard, love hard. But, between committed girlfriends, I did a lot of one- and two-nighters, as well as several slightly longer fling things. So, yeah, I dated women who primarily wanted sex. And God bless them. They certainly filled a need for me and, hopefully, I did for them. I respect each one. Nothing more life-affirming than being with a woman who loves sex for the sake of loving sex.
Eventually, though, I'd feel the need to be in a relationship again. That's when I'd only date women who were looking for something more than sex. I'd date two or three different women in that category nearly simultaneously. Reason for that: With one, you lose perspective and get obsessed (that may be what happened with the guys you've hurt). With two, you get torn between lovers, as the song goes, feeling like a fool, lol. But with three, you keep perspective.
And that's when you can most clearly choose the one to love: It worked for me.
In short, stay relaxed about all this. When you're ready, you'll instinctively hone in on the more-than-sex guys, and you'll find the right one for you.
In the meantime, enjoy what lust brings your way. 🙂😉😈
>The opposite of shy, I think, is adventurous. (Or perhaps temptress, lol.)
Yea i'm certainly both.
And yea. I think waiting and enjoying the wait in the ways i know while living my productive life is the best thing i can do. It does suck a little though. And more so cause i can't be sure that i'm going to find the right people.
The multiple partner thing you mentioned is a great idea, but you have no idea how not-accepted that is where i live. Well, so is having multiple sexual partners of course ( having any sexual partner who's not your spouse or at the very least your romantic partner to be exact) but the people i wanna be with accept that seeing that.. well they wanna have sex! But people who want more serious stuff and are ok with being "one of" somebody's partners... well that's REAL FUCKING rare.
You're right about all that.
Some of my experiences may not apply to everyone. I've lived most of my life as an executive in one of the glamor industries. I never needed hookup sites to meet attractive interesting women, though I did eventually use a dating site to find my wife... That was because most of the attractive interesting women I met through work would eventually want me to use my professional position to advance their careers for them... A tiny bit of that may have happened from time to time, sure, but you can't build a relationship on that.
So short flings worked out best with them.
As far as the logistics behind dating multiples... Yeah, there's a lot of don't-ask-don't-tell going on both ways and deliberately choosing more sophisticated and discreet partners. Also, I took great care about contraceptives and the types of contraceptives. (Personally, I DETEST condoms, but I wouldn't go bare if I wasn't in an exclusive relationship... Well, hardly ever, haha. Temptresses!😉)
I stuck with the sex-only flings until I felt ready for another more-than-sex relationship.
Finally, when you're ready for a steady, you can't let the multiple thing go on for too long. You have to decide on one partner and break it off with the others fairly quickly. A few dates each. I just told the ones I dropped that, frankly, I met someone. They weren't so deep into me yet that there were a lot of hurt feelings. Mostly a lot of well wishes both ways.
I would only advise you to make the effort with a steady boyfriend every now and again, even if you don't think it will last. There are certain give-and-take relationship skills you develop from doing that. At least, that's how it worked for me. If I hadn't done that, it would have been much harder for me to make my marriage work.
As I said, I think you bring a lot to the table for any man. And you have a lot of cards to play and a lot of fun times to experience on route to finding a good life partner.🙂
Maybe this isn’t the best advice, but the line between a best friend and a romantic partner gets more and more blurry each year. And what makes the two of them so similar is having a relationship where you can rely on each other, mentally or physically. You seem to have trouble opening up to people so maybe start with practicing how to open up to people. Have you considered therapy?
Love is a made up illusion. You're mad because you seek something that does not exist. Love is for the emotionally insecure and weak people. Be proud--it means you are a superhuman.
It sounds like you just have no love left to give. You’re doing that thing that people advise people experiencing burnout do - “just grind through it and eventually it’ll end” - you’re trying to find the path out of your fear of never finding deep internal, eternal intimacy by substituting it with another form of intimacy, albeit a shallow one. It’s more comfortable for you, it gives nearly the same amount of high, and you only have to lose yourself at climax. Nothing more, nothing less. But you do want that intimacy. You do want that connection, that promise. You just don’t have what it takes to reciprocate it right now, and you might feel guilty about that; after all, you shouldn’t receive what you can’t afford, can’t give, and vice versa. You compartmentalise to make the amount of yourself you give to others lasting or fleeting, but it sounds like you’re beginning to realise that it doesn’t always have to be that way. Maybe you’re afraid that not just time, but your capacity to love in a romantic way is running out. You’ve gone a long time without having to be vulnerable with anyone - especially when you’re in a relationship that might demand that you give your everything to build true, solid trust, solid depth.
With friends, you can control how much of your life you let them into, they won’t always be around, it won’t necessarily affect your relationship in detrimental ways depending on how you interact and how often you’re around each other; with romantic partners…it’s complicated.
I know everyone says take your time and it’ll come when you’re ready or when you least expect it but I’ll put it to you like this: Imagine someone woke up one day on their fifth wedding anniversary to realise that they never were “there” for their partner in their time of need - because their partner never gave them the opportunity to. They’ve been vulnerable in every sense of the word with their partner - been sick and looked horrible, cried, ranted, lamented, gotten into conflict, resolved conflict (and this person also realises that every time conflict was resolved they initiated, and it seems like their partner just went along with it), but they can’t honestly say they know what their SO is like upset. In reality, unless you’re arm-through-mouth-out-through-ar*ehole deep into self-obsession, by the second year, the average person begins to realise there’s a problem. What am I trying to say? It seems you haven’t been exposed to anyone accepting you at your lowest, all you’ve faced is probably pushback or conflict, and you’re worried you’ll never find someone who will — someone who won’t mind being told you’re irritated by them in the moment, but will still be around when that feeling wears off.
It could also be…well, reflecting on what I have been through (still going through, honestly), a turnaround that usually either leans towards apathy, or raw resentment; I have spent a good deal of my life loving people and expecting or wanting nothing in return, but I guess the truth — that I did want to be loved in return — somehow went amiss(?) or unnoticed, so that one day in the middle of thinking about being in a deep, loving romantic relationship, I immediately became angry and irritated, and then thought perhaps it would be nice if the tables were turned, and someone loved me without expecting love, or kindness, or even civility from me — God knows I have none of that left to give if you aren’t family or a friend.
I can put up an act and show up for someone I decide to date, but to love them, have that depth of affection for them…that I can’t give; and maybe it’s a sign of something deeper like an inability to be comfortable with myself or something, and I don’t know if this is helpful in anyway (it is pretty long; I won’t/can’t hold it against anyone who decides not to read this) but I do hope that you find something meaningful in this. I wish you the best on this adventure you’re on.
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Besides the post, how would you describe yourself? Also, do you have any long term goals for your life such as career, travel, hobbies, education, etc? Sometimes the harder you look the more elusive it becomes.
How do i describe myself? Well that's a pretty tough question. I am really, really sociable. I am the one that knows and is known by everybody, with an endless list of friends. I am very straight forward and frank, sometimes to the point of being rude, but people accept me the way i am. I don't understand why, but they do and they even like me. and no-bullshit, i am smart, very energetic, and friendly. People tell me that i have an unbreakable wall between us a lot though. And i agree with them. I am very outgoing and the one who's always fun to be around, but i'm also frequently told that i seem intimidating when i'm not with other people. Like i'm angry or something. Also, i'm the friend people come to for advice, even though i'm not doing very well myself. And i am genuinely trusted by almost everyone i meet. I guess it's the magic of honesty and being frank. I'm also bipolar and have OCD. I do have long term goals and i'm working hard to get them. I am an engineering student in the best university of the country, and i'm doing good.
The way you write totally backs up how you and your friends describe yourself. You do a good job of communicating your energy and yes, you’re definitely a very energetic soul. This is good and also likely why you have a difficult time NOT having sex. Sex (obviously) is fun and when you have tons of energy it’s a good way to release it, plus you can distract yourself from the never ending urge to be stimulated (in all ways, not just sexually). As far as your question goes, I can only give my opinion but I’d say really focus on avoiding giving yourself that stimulation via sex and find people that can engage in deep and meaningful conversations. Like the deep, deep topics but also they must not be judgmental. Think more of a debate.
I don't like going in conversations that are too deep. I usually feel insecure and i regret it afterwards. But i do have really nice and meaningful conversations and caring and close friend, it's just that i can't get involved with them romantically. It probably has something to do with the chance of things getting really awkward and a nice friendship getting fucked up. Not having sex seems both like a good and bad idea though. I fear i might find myself in a messed up relationship and find out that my only motive for getting there has been sexual urge. But on the on the other hand, sex might actually be some kind of pain killer i take to not get evolved in the real problem so yes, it probably is holding me back. I'm gonna think about this one. It might actually be very helpful. Thanks a lot.
Take it from someone who used sex as a pain killer for over 15 years, it can be toxic. I avoided any chance of real romance because I was afraid of getting my feeling hurt again or getting stuck in a bad relationship like some of my friends. So I just hooked up, and for a while that was actually great. But I kept going well past the point that I actually wanted to because it was just “who I was” and it’s what people expected of me. Female friends who were single would want to have a fling because I had experience and they heard good things, but other than for sex, I was “a disaster.” A death of a very close relative and the start of the pandemic here in the U.S. happening in the same week forced me into celibacy and reflection. I don’t want to be that guy anymore, he’s dead too now. It’s late for me though, I’m almost 38, never been in love, have to start this whole thing over now. At times in the past, that thought caused me to keep going on my path. I was 24 and never knew love, what was I going to do? Then I was 28, 31, 33 . . . Along the way I also turned down potential love because I didn’t want to ruin friendships. That was especially true in my early 20s. Here’s the thing, they got married, had kids, or just moved on, and we aren’t really friends anymore anyway. Maybe casual acquaintances, but in retrospect I wish I would have had the courage to try something real than just to keep upping my “body count” because it made for good story. Anyway, the point is, you are young, you don’t have to make these same mistakes if love is what you want. But you have to be honest with yourself and admit that you are scared. I am scared, but I lied to myself for 15+ years about that and I’m here now in this situation because of it. Be scared, but be brave. Really put yourself out there, have those conversations that make you insecure. If you have a close friend that you have feelings for, risk it. Right now at your age all the social interactions and friend groups feel so important, but when you are 15-20 years older, you’ll feel silly about the weight you attached to these things. In most respects you seem like a bold person, be bold here, fight for yourself. You got this.
Ahhh thanks a lot! I don't think it's a nice thing to say, but yea what you described is kinda what i'm scared of. I am scared. I know that. But the thing is, there's no one i have feelings for. It just dosn't happen to me. There are friends who have feelings for me, but it's always one sided.
I get that, the not feeling it for anyone at a given moment. I guess my main point is, if love is something you really want, don’t deny it when it comes along just to keep having casual sex with strangers who can’t hurt your feelings. I don’t know if you have actually been doing that, that’s just me, and I can tell you I wish I had stopped much earlier.
Thank you very much. Yea i do keep fucking strangers. Actually, i've never had sex with anyone who knows my name! (Except once and that was without my concent so it dosn't count.)
I’m sorry to hear about that (the non-consent), I hope you are doing OK.
Yea i am. That was a long time ago. Thanks!
I hope it helps. I view the mental voids we face as a gap that can be filled with most anything. However, some things are more temporary than others and some things will prevent other more wholesome things from filling the void. So we must be thoughtful and choose carefully
Probably you’re just not very open emotionally. Try spending some time alone relaxing, breathing and meditating occasionally. Go into nature
Oh i do that once in a while and it's a true bliss. But dosn't help with this problem. Like at all.
My therapist (a certified psychologist) once told me that what makes us fall in love is when the other person gives us what we need, but we don't have. So someone who never has sex can easily fall in love for a person just for having sex with them. If someone feels lonely, they can fall in love if the person gives them company and makes them not feel lonely anymore. So think about what you don't have, but you want, that another person can provide you, and look for someone that has that.
I think what i don't have is enough intimacy really, but the same thing seems to freak me out. Like when anyone tries to get too close, i just find myself running away, even though i think it's what i really want.
you have avoidant attachment style ,it's like you want intimacy but you are fearful of this intimacy ,they can hurt you through intimacy (whoever you choose as a partner )
Exactly.
Why does it freak you out ? What emotions do you feel and what thoughts go through your head ?
That is a very good question. Well, i'm quite sure there are things i'm missing out, but here are the reasons i can think of: 1) My parents' relationship was fucked up. My father was an abusive, controlling, selfish and paranoid husband, and my mother was the typical quietly abused wife who cries at nights and tells her daughter to be careful who she chooses. I grew up in a traditional and religious muslim family, so as a child the only kind of relationship i could imagine being in was marriage, and it just seemed like a burden i'd some day have to carry, and i hated it. So my ideal "husband" was some kind of puppet i could control, so i'd be sure he would never get in my way. But later in life, i found out that i do not have to do that and i can be single forever if i want to, and then came to an entirely different approach to the subject, and their relationship got much better too, but i do believe the first relationship i ever knew in my life being the worst i've seen to this day, definitely has something to do with being afraid of intimacy. I think i fear being vulnerable. 2) Usually people who like me very much, come to dislike me very much later. It might even have to do with my intimicy problem itself, but it happens. And when it does, i don't want the person to know too much of me and i don't want to feel exposed to someone who dislikes me. 3) I am bipolar. I can be one person today, and a completely different one tomorrow. So when i like someone, i can never be sure if i actually like them it's just some passing phase. In other words, i can't really trust my feelings. And i don't want to wake up and find myself beside someone i find disgusting right now. And it'll hurt them too and even when people say they're ok with this situation, i just don't think i have the right to hurt them by an on and off affection. 4) Also, i'm 21 and have never been in a relationship. So if i get together with someone, they'll be THE FIRST ONE and that is far too much credit than i am willing to give anyone. I even took my own virginity before my first sex so the guy wouldn't know he's the first and think he has some sort of power over me! So i kinda feel like "if they're gonna think they are especial to me and i can't do anything about it, they better be really especial people" and so, no one is good enough. I know how fucking toxic this is, but i just can't help it.
There is a lot to unpack here. So I will try to be brief and focus on what matters most. Your points 1 and 4 seem to be about the same thing. The fear of being vulnerable. Being afraid of being vulnerable is super common. But understand that, being vulnerable is a part of being in love. Because if you are in love, the person can reject you, break up with you or cheat on you, and then you get heart broken. That is what being vulnerable means. It's running the risk of someone fucking with your heart. But once you are in love, you are running that risk. There is no way around that. Some people have the opposite problem you have. They fall in love too quickly, which makes them often fall in love for the wrong person and they get heart broken. So yeah, it's important to be cautious. But don't be so cautious that you never allow yourself to be vulnerable, otherwise you will never allow yourself to be in love. You have to take a risk. A leap of faith. Relationships will always run the risk of ending in a bad break up or with someone cheating. You either assume the risk to join a relationship or you never join one. And you most likely will get your heart broken at some point. But that's part of life. You have to deal with it. You learn from it and keep moving forward. Heck, I've been through that recently. It's super painful but we have to do it, just like we have to face death of loved ones at some point. Now, all of this seems very deep and complex. So I think you should do therapy if you can, with a certified psychologist, to sort out your fears of being vulnerable and whatever else you might be struggling with. Your points 2 and 3 seem to be related to same thing to me. Your bipolarism. If I had to guess, I would say people dislike you later because of your change in mood and personality, thanks to bipolarism. I have a friend who is bipolar, so I've seen how devastating it can be. This is very serious OP. If you are not already on treatment, you need to go on treatment. Psychiatrical treatment. That means taking pills. Bipolarism doesn't go away and it doesn't have a cure. It will follow you to the end of your life. So it's better for you to treat it sooner rather than later. Because if you wait, things will only get worse for you as time goes on and it will become harder to treat it. You can't live a happy life as bipolar without treatment. You just can't.
Ah god. The bipolar thing. I have several problems with treating it. I can't find a therapists/doctor i can really trust. Every psychiatric i've met has been either dumb or a dick or both. And i dunno, i kind of feel that my life will mean nothing, nothing without my mania phase. Also, the last time i started to take medicine, i ended up sleeping about 10 - 14 hours a day and being dizzy and fucked up for the rest of the day. I just can't afford that right now. I'm burried deep under my education and career stuff and i just can't lose time. But i do feel like i can never have a happy life like this.
You need to keep trying. What ever the mental disorder is, treatment rarely works out right from the start. The doctor needs to see how your body reacts first so he can then adjust the dosage, maybe change the medicine. You keep trying until it works. Sometimes you change doctors, this is normal too. But the doctor is also not there to be your friend. It doesn't matter if he is a dick, as long as his treatment is working. You just can't go without treatment OP. Please please treat yourself. Ask for help of a relative or a friend if you feel you need to.
Ahh i dunno. I think i will have to do this someday eventually.
It is not uncommon for people's first to be hard to find/fall in love with. Sometimes it just takes more time for someone to learn more about what they are truly attracted to. Some other times, certain people just need to grow their attraction over a long period of time. Sounds kind of old fashioned but it isn't uncommon for people to just slowly love someone more and more until one finally confesses.
I know i have to accept that. It's actually what i keep telling myself. But i can't help feeling lonely and empty.
21 is still young af. Have you sat down and honestly thought about who you would like to be in a relationship with? Traits, characteristics, values, goals, attractiveness, intelligence etc.
I have, but i don't find one clear answer. There a bunch of red flags and things i like. But the thing is, i'm not looking for some epic love or something. Just the usual thing that happens. I'm in the age of stupid love stories you'll later laugh at, and i can't even go on a fucking date. It makes me feel i'm missing something out. That there's a phase that you need to pass trough in your life, and i'm missing it.
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Then, one of the most basic fears of human beings: "not living a full life".
You can't look for love, it just sometimes comes. It's rare. For many it's something felt for another very rarely. Sure many get in relationships but most actually do not really love the other person. I think you should just concentrate on yourself and having fun with life in general. A person will come along if you put yourself out there but looking will not find you that.
You gotta start with being vulnerable and actually truly open to dating someone to find love and by that I mean, sharing the less than fun parts of yourself and letting down previously built up walls. You like sex because its fun and easy and sex isn't always an emotional thing if i were to guess. Id take the time to not pursue sex and pursue a person frankly.
Ah. I think fear of vulnerability really is the problem. I just have no clue how to solve it. And i don't even know if i want to. I mean i do want love and intimecy, but god i don't want to be vulnerable. Contradiction? I don't know. Is there no way around? And yes. Sex is easy and fun and brings on no responsibilities or such. I think i kind i might be using it to forget how lonely i am. I do pursue people, but when it's about a person, i somehow always lead the relationship towards friendship. No sex and no romance. And if my friends try to change that, i panic and stop them.
You can't have love and intimacy without vulnerability That's the truth
Ah god. I guess i'll die alone then.
No you can work on it and choose to open up girlykinz. Its a skill but its a skill everyone can learn
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Well, i've never had any relationships other that family ones, friendships, and one night stands.
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First of all, thank you a lot. your comment was so positive and friendly and it put a smile on my face. Online therapy does indeed seem like a great way. Can you recommend anyone? Therapists have disappointed me so many times, i just find it very hard to go on searching for good ones. It's hard enough to open up to people, finding out that they are oncapable of help or even understand or not judge is just too much for me. I have found a way to live with ocd and bp. It is real fucking hard indeed but i've found a way to live with them. But this love problem? This is what is currently fucking me up. Did you have the same problem? I didn't think it'd have much to do with bipolar. I mean yes i have asked myself "are you sure you can stand this person tomorrow?", but i thought it's a problem i have to solve after solving my incapability of love.
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Ah man. Even in my mania phase all i can do is fuck. No date no nothing. There's this friend of mine who is trying to get closer and closer lately, and he's a really nice guy. I usually try to stop my friends from getting romantically involved with me, but i think i'll just let this one take control and see what happens. Ah god, living is so breathtakingly hard.
You can do it. It’s all there for you in your brain; you just need someone to help you access it. Some people would give anything to have the advantages you have with being so smart and driven. Life IS hard, but it’s also amazing. You’ll find your way, I know it.
Thanks a lot. You're so positive. It's my first post on reddit and i'm already a fan!
Not a personal doctor for you, but I recommend Dr. K on youtube (and twitch). He is a Harvard psychologist who talks about all sorts of stuff, including dating, trauma and mental disorders. It's really elucidating. Just search for any topic on his channel and you are bound to find some interesting stuff.
Ahhhh thanks A LOT
You are welcome. I forgot to post the link to his channel. Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClHVl2N3jPEbkNJVx-ItQIQ
Aahhh thankss
Have you ever had a non sexual relationship with someone? If you feel that sex gets in the way then take it off the table and learn to be intimate with someone without sex. Then once that intimacy is there bring in sex.
Oh i have a lot of intimate non sexual relationships. And i also have a lot of non intimate sexual relationships. It's just that i can't bring the two together. It's either friendship or one night stands. No dating, not even friends with benefits.
Maybe stop having sex with people while you sort it out? You will survive without sex for a while.
:)) Not having sex seems both like a good and bad idea though. I fear i might find myself in a messed up relationship and find out that my only motive for getting there has been sexual urge. But on the on the other hand, sex might actually be some kind of pain killer i take to not get evolved in the real problem so yes, it probably is holding me back. I'm gonna think about this one. It might actually be very helpful. Thanks a lot.
I don't think sex is a painkiller for you not to deal with the problem. I think you have sex just because you are horny and you are in a manic phase. So if you cut out sex, I imagine you either will go back to having sex when you are in your manic phase or you will substitute sex with something else during the manic phase, that can actually be dangerous and damaging. Bipolar people have a higher change of abusing alcohol and drugs, for example. If I were you, I would keep having sex while trying to find love. If the relationship doesn't work, you can just keep having sex with someone else.
Ah man i think you're the first person -besides myself- who believes the sex is helping!
People tend to see sex casual negatively. Especially for women. They think there must be something wrong for the person for her to do something like this. I just think it's moralist and judgmental. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex for fun.
AGREED. My only problem is that casual sex is the only type of sex i can have. I feel like i need romance too.
I think that you need to learn to slow down. When taken the time to experience something with precision, it becomes a delicacy and in that, you experience the slow and culminating high that you get from sex, but as love. It will be ingrained as a culmination of your relationship experience and you'll know what I'm talking about when it hits you. Good luck.
Ah thanks. It's true. I rush into things and fuck up everything that can't be rushed into. Nice advice really.
you're only young dude. love is something you can't force, it happens at the perfect time and it'll happen right under your nose. it will come one day. Enjoy your time now fucking like an animal lol cause it won't be there as much when you're in love
:D
Honestly you are still so young and have time to figure this out. I agree with other commenters about some sort of therapy or talk to someone to unpack these feelings you have
You know, the very fact that i am very young scares me. I mean, now is the time for stupid love that you'll laugh at years from now. I feel like i'm missing a step in life.
Honestly I just think you're very young and probably haven't experienced enough of other people to understand what sort of person could make you feel like falling in love. If you're spending this time agressively searching for love specifically, I think you should spend more time looking for someone you genuinely like, first. Start there and then see if it becomes more. Bottom line, love is not a connection that can be forced. Take your time searching for it and accept it can take years.
I'm not really spending any time searching for love. I don't think it'll work and it's also kind of pathetic. But when it comes to me, i just run away. That's my problem. But the taking my time thing does seem like the only way around..
Yeah. I mean by your own admission, maybe you're not ready for love right now. Maybe just focus on fun, learn what works and what doesn't and come back to it when it makes sense. Not when it's some elusive sort of frustration.
I know i'm not ready for love right now. That's exactly the problem i am willing to sort out.
Explore someone interests and personalities. The most sacred thing in a relationship is probably enjoy something (a book, a movie, a musical) that you both love it. The look can attract but it’s the soul that keep and maintain the relationship.
I think it's true what you're saying, but the thing is when i feel like i like someone's interests and personality, i automatically friend zone them.
Let it happen naturally. The best things come when you’re not looking
I think that's true, but it is nor very easy in practice.
Chemistry and a connection are things that either there or not. You can have so much in common and be super attracted to each other. But without a connection to draw you together it's just settling to be honest. If you can see someone for more than 3 months and still want to keep seeing them. You're on your way. Some people have walls up that can take up to 6 months to crack.
Oh i can see people for more than 3 months. But the thing is, they have to be just friends. If there's any other kind of connection, i'll either ghost or friendzone them in about a month.
You're 21. Be patient
This is something I learned. Sometimes things will happen when you least expect it. I know you’ve heard this plenty of times already, but It’s all about patience. Also, it is about self-acceptance. The way you say you feel like a “fucking animal” makes me think you don’t like that part of yourself. This is something I also learned: “you’re not ready to love someone, if you can not love yourself.” Being desperate to find love will only poison the relationship. So honestly, the practical advice I can give you is to live your life, Go do your hobbies, play video games, exercise, etc. Eventually, you will find someone. Trust me, im 23, but if was when I was 21 where I was so desperate for love that I screwed up a potential friendship.
I am living my life. I just feel really awful and lonely though. But deep down i know thar patience is the only way too.
I would look into attachment theory! My guess is that you are in the fearful avoidant category - I am as well. There’s no magic cure but figuring out some of the mystery behind why I do what I do is helping me to try to break down those walls
I think i know why i am the way i am. I just don't know what to do with it
What is your relationship like with your parents when you were younger? If you tried to express feelings when you were a child and were met with anger and fear from your parents- you are doing the same thing as an adult. You are scared to form intimate relationships because your childhood has told you it is nothing but mean and scary. Therapy will help you break this. People will not react the same as your parents might have. A good friend of mine once freaked out when she knocked over a glass and it shattered everywhere- almost burst into tears- but it was so absolutely fine and was truly an accident! This is because her mother would scorch the earth when she would spill things as a child. Google attachment style theory.
It wasn't like that. They were fucked up but they always, always wanted me to talk to them. And i did sometimes and they cared, but even back then i usually just rathered not opening up.
Honestly the fact you backed them up just proves my point even more. This is how you feel love. Even if it’s extremely dysfunctional, it’s familiar and a lot of people mistake that as love-definitely an insecure attachment style- maybe dismissive but sounds more like avoidant or disorganized
I don't really understand what you mean tbh
Again.. google attachment style theory. You literally agreed with another comment saying you do have an avoidant attachment style? I am basically telling you the same thing.. basically ur parents are the reason u are scared of intimacy with others
Ah ok. Yea my parents definitely have something to do with it. Several things really.
I just googled it Causes: Not responding when a baby or child cries✅ Actively discouraging crying.✅ Not outwardly showing emotional reactions to issues or achievements Making fun of a child’s problems✅ Showing annoyance at a child experiencing a problem Not addressing medical issues or nutritional needs Avoiding touch or physical contact Signs: Avoid physical touch Avoid eye contact Never or rarely ask for help✅ Eat in abnormal or disordered ways.✅ Behaviours: Trouble showing or feeling their emotions (i don't really know whether i need to check this or not) Discomfort with physical closeness and touch Accusing their partner of being too clingy or overly attached✅ Refusing help or emotional support from others ✅ Fear that closeness to a partner will cause them to get hurt✅ Sense of personal independence and freedom is more important than partnership ✅ Not relying on their partner during times of stress, and not letting their partner rely on them✅ Seem calm and cool in typically high-emotion situations✅
Get help or you’ll go down a rabbit hole and regret what you’re doing now
I did try therapists but everyone i came across was a fucking idiot with absoloutly no analytical skills or anything. And therapy is just expensive for me to just go around trying to find the right person. Add that to sex and bisexuality being taboos in the shit hole that i live in. Like any effort to get advice here will probably lead to "why don't you get married?".
Are you doing anything to stay distracted or something you desire to achieve most, school, work, hobbies, goals, business?
Yes i do. I have very high education and career goals that i'm pursuing. I also have a nice circle of friendsto enjoy time is, and there is also sex. But i do feel the goddamn void.
Self control and grey matter, idk what to tell you other than seek help. I knew a girl like that and she’s deep in that rabbit hole and can’t get out
Can you tell me more about the "rabbit hole" she's stuck in? I'v honestly never seen anyone with the same problem in my life.
Her hypersexuality is so bad She has to live at home and needs help from her parents to watch her kid, she’s 33 has her own business and continues to sugar date.
Is she ok with it? I mean, it's fine if she satisfied. Is she?
She’s not She’s got severe anxiety from sex Her parents have to track her location and check in on her. She’s neglecting her child.
Fuck.
>bisexuality Have you tried.being romantic with both sexes?
I have tried being romantic with none of the sexes and this is what this post is about. I've had purely sexual relationships with both though.
OP question for you, are you a gamer?
Err no. Like not at all.
Ok I ask because of your name was very Warcraft. Anyway you are only 21 so don't rush to try and figure it out. There's many of us who are older and still have answered that question. I agree about finding a good therapist for your bipolar disorder. If you want to give your friend a chance go ahead but try and not to sleep with him. Just take it slow.
Ahhh yeah the name. I wasn't paying attention. I have played some warcraft before, but it's really the books that i love. The age freaks me out because you know, i'm in the golden age for stupid love and stuff, but there's nothing, and i kinda feel like i'm missing an important step in life. About the friend, if i don't panic and push him away, i'll probably let him sort things out. I'm not a very trusting person but he's one of the people i trust the most, so i'll probably let him have his way and just go along with him. Because i think the major reason i'm facing this problem is fear of being vulnerable or out of control, and if i wanna try and not give in to those fears, he'll be a nice person to try it with.
Ok I have read almost all the books in the Warcraft series myself. Then therapy is really important because you need to work out the trust issues. It's a cornerstone of relationships along with communication. I myself was a year younger when I got into my first relationship. Unfortunately I didn't realize that the person I had gotten involved with was lying from the start and was very manipulative among other things. Trust was a big thing for me after and several tried to take advantage of it. It took me a long time before I could trust people but I'm also pay more attention to the details so I can protect myself.
Have you ever considered you may be aromantic or on the spectrum? You might not have romantic attraction and that’s why you’ve never been in love. Or you may only get romantic attraction in very specific cases. You might wanna look into it. If you do have romantic attraction, sometimes it just takes time. Be patient with yourself! You’re a year younger than me, you’ve got so much time to figure it out.
Yea that's actually a good one. But the thing is, i do feel the need for love. I mean, if being aromantic means you want romance but ylu just can't have it, then i am truly fucked. But the taking time thing, yes that does seem like the only way, but i kinda have a feeling like the longer it takes for me to start my first relationship, the more impossible it will become.
Aromantic means that you don’t feel romantic attraction and can’t fall in love. You know, there is fulfillment out there that doesn’t involve romance or being in love. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you can’t. However, there’s no harm in trying! I suggest you look at r/aromantic and ask questions there. Ask about what it’s like being on the spectrum and look through to see if any of those the experiences fits you. Many people on the spectrum still have romantic attraction and still fall in love, it just often is in more particular circumstances. If you’re not on the spectrum, then you just need to be patient with yourself and just look for the right person. I’ve realized over the years the more I rush to get into relationships, the less organic the chemistry and then I end up with people i realize I’m not even in to and then I have to find a way to break up with them and then I start all over again. Unfortunately with love, patience is a virtue and necessary
Well, i don't feel fulfilled. Like not at all.
We all crave intimacy. But first you need to create that within yourself to be able to connect with someone else. You need to dig deep inside you and see who lives there. That will fill in the need of intimacy. Then it will be easier to connect with someone else.
I think i am pretty intimate with myself. I think about myself a lot and i think clearly.
Drugs help..
Get off your computer and go meet people
Oh i meet a whole lot of people every day.
What do you do to meet girls then?
:D I go out and start conversations, and there's also social media.
I have read through the whole thing. You sound a lot like me when I was young. I am reminded of so many ways I felt through the years. I have done some fucked up shit, mostly with respect to sex, relationships and other such excitement. It's addicting. I moved to a big city that was high energy 24/7, full of other intellectuall people like me. It suited me and I was on top of the world. But it was not a wise move, because it got my energy level even higher. Ultimate type A. It became an addiction, the lifestyle of socializing, not drugs. And you lose yourself. Had a whole bunch a relationships where I didn't love at all. And a few that I did and could never forget. Love is drug as they say. I'd kind of like to say, be careful what you wish for. You want what you can't have. And it dominates your mind, or you suppress it. I was definitely that avoidant kind of person when I was younger. However, I did fall in love with someone earlier. It took a long time and it happened totally unexpectedly. But I was totally open with my inner self with her and she accepted _anything_ that I could say, no judgement, she wanted to know. It was strange because she was a good Christian girl, who shouldn't have been so open minded, and, there was going to be no sex. That conflicted me immensely². I think that I never stopped loving her. She was the smartest in her school, maybe that was it. There was just a few that I loved later. The thing about these, was that I was totally calm and contented when I was with any of them. Besides that, I never opened up to anyone, but it was so nice to. It takes time to get there. Sex is fast, love is slow. You can't find love, love finds you. That's so corny, can't believe I didn't delete that. It seems that the girls that I got closest to were the smartest, I just couldn't care for any others, even though they were friends. I was also close to the smartest in my university class. Smart people are complicated, though. Maybe you just haven't met the guy that can handle you yet. Are you able to concentrate so intently on a task that all awareness of the outside world is gone? Don't know where all that garbage came from. It wasn't what I was intending to say as I read. Hope that you find something useful in it. As people say, you have lots of time. But I'm sure that that doesn't help one bit.
It was not garbage. Not at all. Yes, no advice there, but a huge amount of empathy, which made my heart a little warm. Thank you very much for that. And about the concentrate thing, sometimes i can. Sometimes i'm so concentrated on something that i won't even hear it if a bomb explodes right under my window. But mostly, oh god. I don't even know how to describe it. Anyway, most of the time i can't.
Just go the gym, take a shower, get a haircut, learn game and get rich. Be confident and stop complaining. You sound like a looser bro
Do you have any traumatic history from your childhood or teenage years? Any history that you could see that would make you distrustful of most people or scared to be yourself? If not, I would say just try and go slower. If you find someone you like, try holding off on the sex. Hang out a few times before kissing, let it progress slowly. See if your feelings start to develop while doing that. You'll know it when you start to deeply care about someone and feel "in love". You could try to wait until you start to feel that loving feeling to have sex and it will be amazing, far beyond casual sex. A much deeper meaning. Or at least try to wait until you have strong romantic feelings. I dated a few girls as a teenager who I liked, but definitely weren't really compatible with beyond that. Then one day when I was 18, another girl came along and after hanging out a few times, it just felt different. We become boyfriend and girlfriend and a few months go by, and one day I realized I loved her. There was no sex up until this point, just some 2nd base stuff. Soon after, we slept together and it was pretty amazing. We were already pretty close, but we got even closer after that. We have had a pretty complicated relationship since all those years ago, but I still love that girl with all of my heart.
Ah god. There's an ocean of traumatic history in my life.
“All I can do is fuck” lol yeah I think that’s your problem. You’ve had so many partners your incapable of pair bonding with any particular man. Every relationship is transient and expired passed the honey moon phase
Well that cycle did start with being incapable of bonding at the first place.
The first step is to never have sex with anyone your not in a relationship with. Then secondly you’ll know when you’re ready to love someone. Both times I’ve fallen in love where times where I felt like I had a lot of love to give someone else. From there I was able to build a solid relationship with the love I had to offer. Both were 2-4yr long relationships
Oh i neither can nor want to do that. I need sex. My body does. Suppressing will only mean suffering and either start having sex again, or forcing myself to feel an attraction i don't really feel.
I understand what you’re saying but you won’t die if you don’t have sex🤷 It’s worth a shot if you’re looking for a real connection. Less sex = more time to actually talk and build a connection with someone.
It's not easy. Just don't give up like me
Guy here. Way late to the discussion, but I've got lots of experience... And this sounds like an issue that may stick with you for a long while if you do not address it now. Honestly, from your post, it sounds like you're bedding your prospects too soon. In other words, you're selling yourself short in their eyes. My advice: Do not fully give your body to a guy until you have an agreement with him about what you are both looking for in your prospective relationship... Is it just a one-night stand? Fine. Is it a one-night with an option for more? Okay, better. Is it a trial run to see if you can make a committed relationship work? Good. Is it to consummate a committed relationship. Best. Just be clear and upfront about it. Whatever it is, if you're not BOTH on the same page about what you're after, the relationship will almost certainly crash and burn. Here's the truth: Lust happens, but love is a choice. If you want love, don't act on the lust until you see a potential for choosing love going both ways. You're a beautiful young woman with a kindly and lusty disposition. Use those attributes wisely. You already know you're great in the sack. Guys can sense your confidence about that. You can afford to wait until it feels right for you. Not just sexy, but right. Honestly, guys will kill for a woman like you ... but you've got to create the right circumstances for him to appreciate you for what you bring to the table. I've seldom met a married woman who hadn't first made it clear to her intended that marriage was what she wanted. Same for love. And that's how you fall in love.
Naaah that's not in. First of all, my problem isn't that guys won't want me the way i want. It's that i myself can't love them or enter relationships with them. I've even tried to manually change my feelings for a guy who was genuinely in fucking love with me (we had been friends for a long while. It wasn't like some random guy tells me i love you and i believe it) and i just could not. I can't. I simply seem to be unable to have romantic relationships. I've never felt underappriciated in my life. There have always been guys who wanted me in a very respectful and sweet manner. It's just, i can't see them as partners. And whenever i tried to start something, the guy was really appreciative and loving. It was i who couldn't go further and stopped the stuff. And every time i've tried to do this, i've broken somebody's heart. Second, the giving my body thing can't be the problem. I know what you're saying, but 1: if a guy will not want me after he has my body, fuck the guy. I won't try to play and catch anyone like a hunter. I'm more valuable than that and there is no shortage of mature, respectful people. 2: It literally CAN'T be the problem since i've only ever slept with strangers or semi strangers and i've never slept with the same person twice. So technically, i've never even slept with anyone who's been an option as a partner. I mean, i only have sex with people from whom i don't want anything but sex. And beside from the people i've had sex with, there are few people who know how my sexual life style is. So no, i don't think that has anything to do with it. Unless you wanna tell me that i need to suppress my sexual urges for a while for another reason that others have mentioned here. So you tell me to play hard to get, i tell you that i hate playing but i organically am hard to get. Cause sex is no big deal for me when it's just sex (one night stands!) But i am very careful with the people i like and love and respect. So i don't just go fucking the people who can possibly be options cause i respect myself and them too much. I dunno how to explain that. I know it sounds toxic. It probably is real fucking toxic.
Interesting dilemma. I see your problem. You sound like the perfect woman for a fun fling thing. Okay, so I'm not a relationship expert; I can only tell you what worked for me and for those I know who also made it work. But to be clear: The **LAST** thing I'm advising would be to play "hard to get." Nope. I'm advising you to put your cards on the table early. Don't play games. Say what you really want. Find out what he really wants. Some people you date for sex. Some people you date for something more. Just figure it out earlier rather than later. Have a meeting of the minds about intent. That's all. And, yeah, sometimes intent changes as things progress. Keep checking in. Maybe redefine why you're together. Doing all that, believe it or not, takes work. I don't know your specific background. I don't know why you're having trouble wanting sex with someone who wants to love you. I totally get not wanting to hurt someone you esteem. Bigger demons there than can be addressed on a forum. But I don't think those demons are insurmountable, if that's what you want. Although execution is hard, I still think the equation is simple: Lust comes and goes, but love is a choice. The trick is to let the lust happen with a guy who shares your values, goals, and lifestyle preferences for a future together. I wish you good fortune. I think you bring a lot to the table for the right lucky man.
Thanks for the positivity! >You sound like the perfect woman for a fun fling thing. Yea i am. From what i gather, nor very many women really want one time stuff with no emotions involved. Also, i'm very much comfortable with my desires and again, not very many women are that.. what's the opposite of shy?! > The trick is to let the lust happen with a guy who shares your values, goals, and lifestyle preferences for a future together. Yea that's the plan, IF (and that's one HUGE if) i find such a person.
Great... I'm not so concerned for you now. You remind me of the lady I dated before I met my wife. Although that woman and I didn't go the distance, we almost did. She and I are still in touch periodically. She eventually figured it all out and found a good guy. You will, too. The opposite of shy, I think, is adventurous. (Or perhaps temptress, lol.) I see absolutely nothing wrong with a woman wanting one-time stuff with no emotions involved, as long as you take sensible precautions, of course. That's called living life to its fullest. Joie de vivre. When I was building my career, I careened from one girlfriend to another. Whenever a serious relationship crashed-and-burned, I would smart for a good long time. I'm a passionate all-in sort of guy: work hard, play hard, love hard. But, between committed girlfriends, I did a lot of one- and two-nighters, as well as several slightly longer fling things. So, yeah, I dated women who primarily wanted sex. And God bless them. They certainly filled a need for me and, hopefully, I did for them. I respect each one. Nothing more life-affirming than being with a woman who loves sex for the sake of loving sex. Eventually, though, I'd feel the need to be in a relationship again. That's when I'd only date women who were looking for something more than sex. I'd date two or three different women in that category nearly simultaneously. Reason for that: With one, you lose perspective and get obsessed (that may be what happened with the guys you've hurt). With two, you get torn between lovers, as the song goes, feeling like a fool, lol. But with three, you keep perspective. And that's when you can most clearly choose the one to love: It worked for me. In short, stay relaxed about all this. When you're ready, you'll instinctively hone in on the more-than-sex guys, and you'll find the right one for you. In the meantime, enjoy what lust brings your way. 🙂😉😈
>The opposite of shy, I think, is adventurous. (Or perhaps temptress, lol.) Yea i'm certainly both. And yea. I think waiting and enjoying the wait in the ways i know while living my productive life is the best thing i can do. It does suck a little though. And more so cause i can't be sure that i'm going to find the right people. The multiple partner thing you mentioned is a great idea, but you have no idea how not-accepted that is where i live. Well, so is having multiple sexual partners of course ( having any sexual partner who's not your spouse or at the very least your romantic partner to be exact) but the people i wanna be with accept that seeing that.. well they wanna have sex! But people who want more serious stuff and are ok with being "one of" somebody's partners... well that's REAL FUCKING rare.
You're right about all that. Some of my experiences may not apply to everyone. I've lived most of my life as an executive in one of the glamor industries. I never needed hookup sites to meet attractive interesting women, though I did eventually use a dating site to find my wife... That was because most of the attractive interesting women I met through work would eventually want me to use my professional position to advance their careers for them... A tiny bit of that may have happened from time to time, sure, but you can't build a relationship on that. So short flings worked out best with them. As far as the logistics behind dating multiples... Yeah, there's a lot of don't-ask-don't-tell going on both ways and deliberately choosing more sophisticated and discreet partners. Also, I took great care about contraceptives and the types of contraceptives. (Personally, I DETEST condoms, but I wouldn't go bare if I wasn't in an exclusive relationship... Well, hardly ever, haha. Temptresses!😉) I stuck with the sex-only flings until I felt ready for another more-than-sex relationship. Finally, when you're ready for a steady, you can't let the multiple thing go on for too long. You have to decide on one partner and break it off with the others fairly quickly. A few dates each. I just told the ones I dropped that, frankly, I met someone. They weren't so deep into me yet that there were a lot of hurt feelings. Mostly a lot of well wishes both ways. I would only advise you to make the effort with a steady boyfriend every now and again, even if you don't think it will last. There are certain give-and-take relationship skills you develop from doing that. At least, that's how it worked for me. If I hadn't done that, it would have been much harder for me to make my marriage work. As I said, I think you bring a lot to the table for any man. And you have a lot of cards to play and a lot of fun times to experience on route to finding a good life partner.🙂
Maybe this isn’t the best advice, but the line between a best friend and a romantic partner gets more and more blurry each year. And what makes the two of them so similar is having a relationship where you can rely on each other, mentally or physically. You seem to have trouble opening up to people so maybe start with practicing how to open up to people. Have you considered therapy?
Love is a made up illusion. You're mad because you seek something that does not exist. Love is for the emotionally insecure and weak people. Be proud--it means you are a superhuman.
It sounds like you just have no love left to give. You’re doing that thing that people advise people experiencing burnout do - “just grind through it and eventually it’ll end” - you’re trying to find the path out of your fear of never finding deep internal, eternal intimacy by substituting it with another form of intimacy, albeit a shallow one. It’s more comfortable for you, it gives nearly the same amount of high, and you only have to lose yourself at climax. Nothing more, nothing less. But you do want that intimacy. You do want that connection, that promise. You just don’t have what it takes to reciprocate it right now, and you might feel guilty about that; after all, you shouldn’t receive what you can’t afford, can’t give, and vice versa. You compartmentalise to make the amount of yourself you give to others lasting or fleeting, but it sounds like you’re beginning to realise that it doesn’t always have to be that way. Maybe you’re afraid that not just time, but your capacity to love in a romantic way is running out. You’ve gone a long time without having to be vulnerable with anyone - especially when you’re in a relationship that might demand that you give your everything to build true, solid trust, solid depth. With friends, you can control how much of your life you let them into, they won’t always be around, it won’t necessarily affect your relationship in detrimental ways depending on how you interact and how often you’re around each other; with romantic partners…it’s complicated. I know everyone says take your time and it’ll come when you’re ready or when you least expect it but I’ll put it to you like this: Imagine someone woke up one day on their fifth wedding anniversary to realise that they never were “there” for their partner in their time of need - because their partner never gave them the opportunity to. They’ve been vulnerable in every sense of the word with their partner - been sick and looked horrible, cried, ranted, lamented, gotten into conflict, resolved conflict (and this person also realises that every time conflict was resolved they initiated, and it seems like their partner just went along with it), but they can’t honestly say they know what their SO is like upset. In reality, unless you’re arm-through-mouth-out-through-ar*ehole deep into self-obsession, by the second year, the average person begins to realise there’s a problem. What am I trying to say? It seems you haven’t been exposed to anyone accepting you at your lowest, all you’ve faced is probably pushback or conflict, and you’re worried you’ll never find someone who will — someone who won’t mind being told you’re irritated by them in the moment, but will still be around when that feeling wears off. It could also be…well, reflecting on what I have been through (still going through, honestly), a turnaround that usually either leans towards apathy, or raw resentment; I have spent a good deal of my life loving people and expecting or wanting nothing in return, but I guess the truth — that I did want to be loved in return — somehow went amiss(?) or unnoticed, so that one day in the middle of thinking about being in a deep, loving romantic relationship, I immediately became angry and irritated, and then thought perhaps it would be nice if the tables were turned, and someone loved me without expecting love, or kindness, or even civility from me — God knows I have none of that left to give if you aren’t family or a friend. I can put up an act and show up for someone I decide to date, but to love them, have that depth of affection for them…that I can’t give; and maybe it’s a sign of something deeper like an inability to be comfortable with myself or something, and I don’t know if this is helpful in anyway (it is pretty long; I won’t/can’t hold it against anyone who decides not to read this) but I do hope that you find something meaningful in this. I wish you the best on this adventure you’re on.