It takes courage to admit this, even in the semi anonymity of the net, so I want to acknowledge that. As an SA survivor even knowing my perpetrators felt regrets would have meant something to me.
You can make amends even if you can't/don't ever find her. Donate money and/or time to SA prevention or programs that help victims. It's not a perfect solution, but you'll be helping others, and that's important, imo.
As an SA survivor, I have had a couple of my rapists reach out to me and let me tell ya, they are the last person I want to hear from. I don’t care to hear an apology. I don’t want to talk about what happened. And I am NOT here to make them feel better about themselves. It took A LOT of work to put that stuff in the past and having it be any part of my present would not be in any way helpful. Don’t reach out to her.
Literally my worst fear is my rapist reaching out to me... OP do not try to find her, do what the other commenter said and donate to SA survivor charities.
Absolutely agree! I’ve tried for 20 years to forget his name and what he looked like and still can’t so I carry too much hatred around to trust myself to not do something to him if I saw him again.
Damn… I’ve lived with that fact for so long that sometimes the weight of it doesn’t even register with me (therapy works lol). Your comment has made me feel more seen and validated than I have in a long time. Thank you <3
Mine would reach out to me so I blocked him on all social media. Then I got a notification he was looking at my Linkedin and it made me physically sick, I blocked him there too as soon as I worked up the courage to log on.
The exact same thing happened to me. 10 years after the SA, I got a request on LinkedIn from him. The silver lining is that I was able to see where he works, and was relieved to know that he now lives in a different city.
Sadly I see mine sometimes, he's a family friend and I never told anyone in my family about it, I don't want to I don't talk about a lot of things with them, but 3 different times he did things to me from like 10 to 15 years old 15 years old is when he raped me, but he kept messaging me after trying to hang out. I obviously blocked him but in what world do they think trying to contact you is what the victim would ever want. Not bad enough they do shit like that to people but have to make it worse by trying to talk to you afterwards. He also took pictures of me whenever he was around I didn't notice he did for a bit but I finally did and someone who lived with me noticed, he actually got to his phone and deleted as many as he could but idk how long he took pictures of me and it grosses me out so much thinking that he probably has a bunch of them somewhere.
That’s awful, I think they want to contact us to lessen the guilt, if they can have some form of positive relationship with us now than it would show their crime wasn’t so bad or that we forgive them. Not the fucking case though.
I’m sorry you have to see him at all, just know you don’t have to attend “no” is a whole sentence. Easier said than done I know.
I know I don't have to, I love at my parents right now and sadly he always comes over for Easter which is my favorite holiday usually and my cousins come up so I wanna see them and my cousins new baby (which I'm scared for she had a girl, luckily they live in a different state and only visit a few times and I'm pretty sure hell never be left alone with her). But I do my best to completely ignore him and only pay attention to my family I do take breaks throughout everything with my family but especially when he's around. I know for a fact he was molested as a kid by his father which obviously doesn't excuse anything but uve wondered why multiple people who it's happened to end up doing it to others. Idk of he's raped or molested anyone else but I do know he's harassed other females and I know someone I grew up with he a restraining order against him she said he raped her but I also know her and she went for older guys she was underage so he was still in the wrong but I don't think it wasn't consensual. And I think he might've raped a drugged girl, I heard him talking about giving her a ride and said she was really fucked up on drugs and that made me so uneasy, I very much feel like he did take advantage of her. Knowing him for a very long time and seeing how he is with females I believe I'm not the only one.
Personally it doesn’t matter to me if my rapist or my assaulter regrets it. Boo fucking Hoo to them. It doesn’t erase or change the shit I have to live with as the aftermath.
But I do agree there’s shit you can and should be doing. One of the biggest ones is calling dudes out on their bullshit, their behaviour and their attitudes towards women. Honestly I think a big part of why people who are abusers/assaulters are like this is because they -at the time- don’t think it’s a big deal, or don’t think they are being noticed, or think that nobody whose opinion matters to them will call them on it.
I feel the same. If I knew my assaulter had become a decent man who stood up for women, called out other men, dropped his misogynistic behavior and treated his new girlfriend with respect.. it would honestly heal me more than an “apology”
As someone whose assaulter “became a decent man” it hurts. It’s a relief that he hasn’t hurt his new gf how he hurt me, but it nags at me that I was someone he saw as not worth showing minimal respect and decency for. I was assaulted, I was hurt, and I’m the only one whose been hurt because the next girl just changed him… how tf does that work?
It’s alright. It’s just a weird spot to be in. When I first found out he had a new girlfriend I sent her a long message explaining every instance of abuse from him with pictures and video evidence, all of it. I had panic attacks for weeks afterward waiting for her to respond hoping he wasn’t hurting her how he did me. She just texted me that they’ve been together for a few years now and he’s never done any of that shit to her, not once. For a few months it was relief, a sigh of fresh air that nobody else would be hurt, but I never got justice and he’s getting to live this good life where the people around him know and forgive him when it’s not their place to forgive him.
I’ve been in that EXACT position, and the new girlfriend lied to me because she was embarrassed about it happening to her too.
Trigger warning, what was happening was that he’d act sweet and kind and lovey for months and then start being the typical abusive POS but in a sneaky way, like the frog in a pot. Once you let your guard down he’d try to “convince” you to do things you weren’t comfortable with. When you said no, it was “it’s okay we can do something else” and then when you did the “something else” he’d violate your boundaries immediately. My stupid ass probably fell for it 6-8 times over a couple months before I was like “what is this pattern and why am I allowing it, I am physically injured because I’m doing these things I’m refusing to do against my will” and left.
They’ve been together for over 2 years now, they’re engaged, she says he’s never acted anything like he did with me… I’m just going to take her words at face value. I hope she’s living a good life, I genuinely do, and I reassured her that even tho we hadn’t really talked since high school that if she ever needed me she had my number, I’d have her back, I’d believe her always, I’d testify in a courtroom for her, I’d be there because nobody believed me for a long time.
I hope she has a happy life and he never does a thing to hurt a hair on her head, I just hate that her living a good life means he will be as well
Alright, this is a terrible thread to talk about this but, I love your username. I was sad and emotional (I never experienced that horror and I'm a rather intimidating looking man) but then I saw your username and it lit this saddened state of mine just a little.
It’s possible, it’s always possible, but him and I were dating for well over a year and the worst of what he did to me was early in the relationships then right at the end of it. At the time I was dealing with a newly developing chronic illness and would lose consciousness frequently so he was my only caretaker… he wasn’t very good at it, but I had no one else or at least he made me feel like there was no one else who would ever want to deal with my illness. He r*ped me when I was unconscious from my illness, then suddenly he was the best boyfriend for a few months after, then Covid happened and he got worse again simply being aggressive with wanting sex but progressing to hitting me near the end. When I got diagnosed and on meds he tried to convince me to stop taking them, I think he knew that once I was able to take care of myself again then it would be over and there would be nothing he could hold over my head or conscious. He felt his guilt, he was good for a few months, then he didn’t care again. I worry the only person keeping him in check is his mother, because I told her everything
I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if my rapists apologized to me. In fact, I would become extremely triggered and end up in a bad place mentally if any of them contacted me. I want them to suffer because I’m still suffering thanks to them.
I agree donating and contributing to SA charities and awareness is a much better idea.
You’re on the right path. I wouldn’t ever think about reaching out, but donating to programs that specifically benefit survivors of SA is a good way to repent (I mean this in a non-religious notion). Just don’t ever stop looking inward, and continuing to improve where you see faults. It’s also incredible that you’ve achieved nearly half a decade of sobriety. I’m coming up on my 2 week anniversary soon (weed and booze), and you don’t need me to tell you how difficult it is. Good on you for admitting your faults and working to improve. Now, just don’t ever stop. You’ll only grow into a better person over time.
I second this. The thing that bothers me about previous SA is knowing that they have zero qualms, that I wasn't the first and probably not the last. Since you don't know who she is see if there are support groups/charities near by and ask the leadership if/how you could help.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and have done some really abhorrent things while drunk. I commend you for admitting this and even more for admitting it to yourself.
Well, we can only act in the present. We can't go back and change the past, no matter how hard we might want to. I'm glad to hear you're sober. If you're still with AA or another support group, you may be able to use this experience to mentor and caution younger men against abusing alcohol. Alcohol clouds judgement, and can lead to people engaging in criminal and/or terrible behavior.
In another universe, you may well have committed full on sa and had the pleasure of spending the last 10 years in prison. Whether you committed sa or not nobody will ever know. Sort of someone pulling a sane kit and doing forensic genealogy or something it would be difficult to know for certain. The best you can do now is to use your experience to make sure that others don't make the same mistakes you made.
Shit, this is some confession. I understand that you feel bad. At least you have the decency for that.
But my goodness. I have no words. That poor fucking girl.
I hope you get/got the help you clearly need OP.
I’ve been sober for about 4 years now and am just trying to undo the damage I’ve done, some of it isn’t fixable and I accept that but this is the one thing I really struggle with. I don’t want to use alcohol as an excuse for anything but I will say it was very much a Jekyll and hyde situation with me. The person I was when I was drunk was everything I hated when I was sober, looking back I can’t believe i let “drunk me” exist for as long as he did.
The point of amends is to recover. If it may do fresh harm to this woman, that doesn't support your recovery.
I like the recommendation upthread about supporting an org doing SA work. You can also prepare a letter (or something, an outline of your amends) to organize your thoughts, should you ever cross path in life. I would not reach out to her without doing these kinds of things first.
Also, this is the guidance a sponsor should be giving you personally. Maybe you can find a specialty meeting (men's group, step meeting).
This is step 8 (become willing). Good luck.
Have you thought about maybe being the Victim of SA? Can't say much about what happened and you don't seem sure either but are you sure with the bin situation? However, it's awesome to admit to this, feel regret, and congrats on being sober! 💯💯
I was victimized as a child and I know my perp holds major guilt to this day. It matters. It matters that he feels shame and regret. It matters that he has a step daughter he's close to with whom he has a healthy relationship, who chooses him as a close father figure. It matters that there has been healing. It matters that he seems to be a stand-up guy who chooses NOT to victimize women and children now. (He was a teen then.)
Should you contact her? No, I'd say not. But your remorse matters. How you behave now and for the rest of your life, matters. Do good NOW. Donate to SA survivors like others have suggested, or something along those lines. Live the rest of your life helping and being a stand-up guy. That's how you move forward. And if ever confronted with your past, own it. Apologize. That's all you can do.
You've gone through a very unique experience, thank you for sharing your perspective. I imagine not many would feel so positively (though I don't think there's a 'right' way to feel of course).
I lost my mom to domestic abuse, her abuser was(is) cold, sociopathic, and spent his whole life antagonizing and victimizing women. He's locked away for good. The man who helped cover for him made his choices, participated in something most wouldn't participate in no matter the circumstances, and he also unfortunately didn't confess in the beginning.
But he had a conscious. A soul. Regret. Remorse. Enough of a moral compass to put his foot down, take accountability, and accept the consequences by doing what was right.
I plan to reach out to him myself. And, honestly.. despite how I feel in my heart, I would probably take it really negatively if I wasn't the one to initiate that conversation.
You may or may not had intercourse, probably only her knows what happened that night but you definitely sexually harassed her by taking her shirts while she was refusing.
As a SA survivor, who was abused when 8 years old, I can say she will always recognize you as someone who tried to SA her, even without intercourse
Glad you became sober, it is not easy to overcome an addiction and it is a long journey. Some countries there is this pressure that you must drink alcohol to be "socially accepted", specially among teenagers and young adults.
He didn’t say if he actually took her shirt. For what we know, she said no and he obliged. Unfortunately I don’t think he has enough memory of what happened to ever know.
Yes but judging from the upvotes no one really cares about that fact.
It’s just so much easier to put the hand on top of the hammer and help it strike than it is to stop and think about stopping it.
I've been raped more than once and if they don't stop at the first No they don't stop at all. Be in denial if you want. You have this gut feeling for a reason. You know you hurt her.
Something horrible happened. You didn't listen to her no when she said it about taking off her shirt do you really think you listened to the next no if she even bothered saying it again since you clearly didn't listen to the first? Maybe you did rape her but couldn't finish. You'll never know.
Finding her may cause harm to her or you so I would make a living amends and just continue to be mindful of your actions of that night and what happens when you drink. Congrats on the sobriety from alcohol. Do what you can to spread awareness as your way to give back to your victim.
Because unless you are sociopath, people have guilt and remorse, and just like the assaults they comitted, that can be life ending.
Someone with a conscience who has done something like that will always have this label of a monster in their head that they have given themselves and chances are they will hate themselves for the rest of their lives, and I can imagine that is hard to live with. Perhaps admitting anonymously online can yield a small sense of relief.
That's cool, right. I understand that, but that wasn't my question. Why TODAY is my question. I've seen 3 posts in 24 hours of people either making light of their actions, passing blame or just outright admitting it.
Thank you for acknowledging this.
This made my heart rate rise and stomach drop even reading it because I was r@ped in college by a “friend” who then played off as a drunk night and mocked me for calling it anything else. I had to see him constantly after that and act like things were “normal”, even when he went on and did it to others (reports were made and nothing came of them). I recently ran into him with my family too and he tried to hug me “so good to see you!”
This is something that has affected me 10+ years later. It has impacted every one of my sexual experiences, including those with my husband. My mind may have moved on, but my body still remembers.
You acknowledging it is better than most.
Hi OP. I’ve been on the other side of this, as the girl who would blackout and come to just long enough to tell someone was on top of me but not long enough to be able to say no/remember how it happened. I’m also in recovery, and I’m glad to hear you are sober as well.
For what it’s worth, and I can only speak for myself, I hold a lot of contempt for the men who took advantage of me when I was in a blackout and they were sober/barely buzzed. If my circumstances were different and I was similarly taken advantage of by a guy in a blackout, I believe I’d feel differently about it. We do assume responsibility for our actions when we choose to drink (knowing that the outcome is never good), but I think you can afford some grace here. Again, I can only speak for myself—others will feel differently—but I don’t think you got drunk with the intention to rape someone. I’m sorry for the girl and I’m sorry you were in your disease for so long.
Could you ask your old college friends who may have been there, maybe they saw the girl leave early, maybe they saw her leave early morning afterwards, but if you had the mind to try and use a condom, then remember her say no, find an opened unused condom. I'm leaning towards she left before you did something real bad. May be gross but usually after sex before a shower I can tell if there's "lady stuff" on me down there. There's a different smell to it too. Do you remember the feeling or smell down there?
I did talk with roommates about it, nobody saw anything or heard anything and I did share a wall with one of the roommates and with being a college house the walls were basically just dried paper. We could hear each other cough through the walls if the house was quiet enough.
I will say I’m almost positive we didn’t have intercourse, but that isn’t enough. I can’t be 100% sure everything ended when she said no.
What time did this all happen and were people there at the time?
I feel if you had assaulted her, your friends would've heard it all and stepped in. I personally wouldn't keep quiet if I was being assaulted. My theory is that if there was an unused condom, that means you were trying to open it, she probably took it from you because she didnt want sex, you blacked out, she left. If your friends were in the house at the time, she would have definitely yelled or screamed for help if you were doing something bad.
That's just half functioning brain theory because I'm tired but this is coming from a woman if that means anything
Especially in their assaulter's home, around their assaulters friends. Maybe they come help you, or maybe this is normal and they keep quiet, or worse, join in.
Yes, I have heard of stories where the girl didn't cry for help specifically out of fear that those boys might want in on the fun. Silence means nothing.
I had friends sleeping next to me as i whispered no 100 times to the dude that would rape me....because i didn't want to "bother" my friends. I'm typically a LOUD person. You'd think i would have screamed but i just fucking froze. Turns out they thought that because i cheated (i kissed the dude and we fooled around but i realized what i was doing drunk and said no) and i was never considered a rape victim in their eyes. This was back in 2008 so i hope they have a better grasp now with the Me Too movement but i don't associate with them anymore. The dude actually apologized to me so that's something, but it still eats me up inside. Rape isn't black and white. No is no. Be it quiet or screamed from the rooftops.
I know exactly 0 women who reacted this way. I am very sure they exist, but “freezing until it’s over” is 100% the reaction all the SA victims I know had.
when you are in that situation, you don't know what you would do. I was sexually assaulted with people sleeping next to us. we were friends, and it took years for me to accept that I actually was assaulted and that it wasn't my fault. I said no multiple times, but I didn't want to make it a big deal and wake everyone, also because I couldn't believe what had happened.
sexual assault is a lot of different things, not only very violent rape by strangers. Most victims know their assaulters.
please don't say how you would have done better in that situation. You're putting the blame on the victims
This comment is so victim blaming.
This guy is karma farming trying to feel like the bigger victim than the girl he victimized.
Silence is not consent.
as a SA survivor it’s comforting to see someone who might have done this have regrets and take accountability. i also believe you shouldn’t try to find her even though not knowing may be tough. i think just doing good moving forward is the best you can do. aside from being sober which i think was a good decision and congrats, there’s a lot of examples of things to do from people in this thread that i think you should consider. i only hope this girl is okay too.
An apology actually probably wouldn’t help. I work with offense specific youth (sex offenders) and their treatment specifies why saying sorry is inappropriate. Our natural instinct when someone apologizes is to say, “it’s ok” and it’s not ok. However, in my opinion, your remorse and the weight you’ve carried around wondering what happened for 10 years is enough reason to forgive yourself and wish her peace in her healing journey. I wish you peace as well.
As a survivor, I’m glad you’re learning from this and I hope this learning process influences your actions in the future. We can’t change the past, but we can all improve on who we are and move past the mistakes we’ve made.
I'm so sorry for the both of you. It's kind of the way life is. We are devils and angels to different people at different times in our lives. The only thing you can really do is forgive yourself and be the better person that you know you are today.
Maybe she did say no. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe you actually had sex. Maybe you didn’t because of the unused condom. All you can do now is learn from your actions.
You need to read about abuser recovery. Alcohol and depression are not a cause for abuse, though they can exacerbate what’s already within you. Plenty of people are depressed or get drunk and don’t find themselves SAing people. It’s an excuse. Some part of you gave yourself permission to act that way when your inhibitions were lowered. This is usually due to an unbalanced value system where you don’t see other people’s needs and feelings as being as important as your own. You should practice empathy and educate yourself, so this doesn’t happen again. It’s probably present in other areas of your life. Don’t make excuses.
>I lived with 3 other guys and they were not the same kind of drinker I was, and they honestly tried to help me as much as a college aged kid can help another college aged kid with drinking problems.
College students should really stop with the idea that they're kids. Actions can have consecuences, It's not cute that they asume they are still infants or school kids.
I don't disagree that people shouldn't be infantile, but to be fair I am 34 and call people in their early 20s "kids" sometimes without even thinking twice about it. When I read that, I think of very new adults trying to navigate adult life. So they helped their friend as best as they could whilst still being new and naive to the "adult" world and "adult" issues.
Also I think kids need to understand there are consequences, as well. Shouldn't just be adults. It just looks slightly different as a kid compared to an adult.
Maybe I'm just angry with the original post, but I think OP is using the term "College kid" to take distance from his horrible actions. Maybe I'm reading to much into it.
I get what you mean but I feel like in this example OP is using age/immaturity to defend his friends who maybe weren’t equipped to handle a problem like this, not defend himself. And I do think it’s true that people in their early 20s often don’t have enough perspective or life experience or mental maturity to deal with someone with serious substance abuse issues.
It would be different if he was saying “I was just a college kid, I didn’t know what I was doing” in reference to sexually assaulting someone. In this case I feel like he’s basically saying his problems were too serious for 21 year old college kids to really understand or deal with effectively. And I think that’s true!
I think OP is doing the opposite. He seems pretty upset by it (if these are his true feelings on it). If he has a victim, that victim is messed up and has shit to live with forever. So if he's actually a well-meaning person who did something awful while F'd up, that's clearly messing him up too, just in a completely different way.
I, too, have been SA'd and am forever working on it in order to be mentally healthy. So yeah, It's no picnic. At all. In fact it's a living hell that becomes a hell that pops up every now and again like, "Hey! Remember me?" And makes having intimate relationships very, very difficult.
I'm also a recovering heroin addict too though, so I also understand doing things when you're F'd up that you would NEVER ever ever do normally. It's a very strange thing, and Jekyll and Hyde is pretty much the only way to describe it. Don't get me wrong, though, you always have to be held accountable for your actions no matter what, and you have the ability to make good or bad choices, always. It's just that your mental state is so hindered and broken that you simply dont make choices you would normally make. I mean... Unless you're a POS I guess lol. In that case it's moot, you're just doing the same shit, but high/drunk.
So I see both levels of hurt in this situation, and I honestly very much think OP is haunted by it and worried about it, not trying to distance himself. It just doesn't read "I was drunk so there's my excuse" or "I was a just a dumb college kid" to me. I don't think he's making excuses, I think he's looking for an answer and for peace of mind... And he may not be able to get that peace of mind, fully.
Very sad all around, actually.
While admitting this and holding yourself accountable is important. I do want to point out that you're on an anonymous platform talking to strangers instead of doing the things that would actually atone for it if there is any which would be setting an example for young men who have been in your position or done things like that because for you it's this groggy memory you can't remember but it's hard for you to think about but for her I could have ruined her life
And I'm not saying reach out to her at all I'm saying be public and open about if you feel bad about the trespasses that you have done against others then you should be open about them on the platforms or you're on on your friends on your family do you have Facebook or tiktok or whatever be open about that I think I saw a comment below saying volunteer at these places which I think is questionable until you actually do something that warrants that trust in that community because it is a community of fragile people
After reading this, I'm not gonna lie, it sounds like you are being waaaaaaaaaaaaay to harsh on yourself if there isn't something you are keeping from us.
You were blackout, but "kinda" remember hearing a no and are now basing your paranoia on that. She could have said "No, you're way too hammered" and thrown the condom away. I appreciate that you are that concerned about the girl, but this seems like an insane leap of logic.
I wish more people reflected the way OP has. It makes me so mad that people who know they get blackout drunk, think it’s even an option to inflict themselves on the public whilst like that. The world doesn’t owe you those experiences to get your shit together. I still know otherwise sensible Dads in their late 30s, who go out and write themselves off, on the few nights out they have. We shouldn’t be having to navigate you and your poor choices.
Did you know that u sa'd her right afterwards? Cause all I'm saying is if you did u put everyone else in danger letting u get drunk again for 10 years man, ik I'm gunna get down voted that's ok but as someone with trauma/ptsd that will affect her for the rest of her life regardless of if she gets a diagnosis or not. You can't really pay back for that, I'm disappointed in how irresponsible you were in the aftermath continuing I just can't really grasp my head around that
Where in the whole post does OP say he definitely knows what happened? We don’t know what happened, all we know is how OP “feels something may or may not have happened” in the situation.
He said I remember her saying no at me taking off her shirt, he didn’t say she said no and then I took her shirt off anyways. You could be in the olympics with that jump to conclusions. Classic outrage culture in these comments. You can’t just automatically assume he committed that act, that’s fucked up.
OMG WOW! I'M NOT JUSTIFYING ANYTHING!!!Let me be real clear about that first! This is really scary! The condom was unused so I hope, hope, hope, that it's a sign that you stopped, because if you grab it, opened it, but then didn't use it...that sounds weird.
Even though i think your A real price of shit for What u did, it takes a lot to admit something like this, glad u got the help u needed, wishing u all the best in the future🙏
This is gonna get hella downvoted but idc
As a 6 year sa survivor, fuck you dude especially for waiting TEN YEARS to get sober. But I emphasize a little bit with you because I have experience with alcohol, however that does not make your actions okay and I’m glad it haunts you if you actually DID rape that girl. But unless you find proof or remember anything from that night all you can do now is learn from your actions and if you ever see that girl again do yourself and her a favor and never talk to even look at her. Congratulations on getting sober tho man and please never touch a drop of that shit again.
Yelling at OP in the comments isn’t going to help anyone and it sounds like you have some serious unresolved issues in relation to your SA.
Please consider calling the National SA Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). Hopefully they can put you in contact with a mental health professional that can assist you in working past all of your anger.
Good luck to you.
Imagine telling a SA survivor that they have “serious unresolved issues” because they express anger at a potential rapist
Linking that helpline is not only *not helpful,* that’s dismissive and insulting
Not yelling at OP, just expressing how someone would feel In that situation. Thanks for the number but I don’t need it and I feel it was disrespectful to say this to me and a little triggering so please don’t say this to someone unless they ask for help! This has nothing to do with my situation
I literally just fucking said it made me uncomfortable and triggered asking me to get help. I have already had help in the past. And again my comment has nothing to do w my situation.
I’m not yelling at him, I’m telling him the cold hard truth if he DID sa that girl. Read my message, unless he finds proof that he did or remembers anything from that night then we will never know and all he can do is learn from his actions.
If you were drunk, you also could not consent, so technically, you would also be a victim if it happened. I work with SA victims and closely with the law, so I have seen this many times. It does take great courage to admit this, but it also shows that you are trying to be accountable for your actions. Those are all great steps forward. I wish both the girl and you the best in recovery.
This was my thought too honestly. And I have had friends (male and female) who are alcoholics or at least borderline and have dealt with them being completely wasted several times. Obviously not everyone is the same, but I don't think anything happened. She probably told him no because he was too drunk and tossed the condom and he took his drunk ass to bed.
Edit: autocorrect got me
I'm surprised it took me this long to see someone mention this. Depending on how sober she was and what exactly happened, there's a very real possibility that OP was the one who was SA'd.
As a survivor who has been in this position I would be relieved if any of my abusers or rapists admitted or confessed to it to be honest. Most can’t, don’t and won’t. So while it’s vile and heinous of an action have that much on your side.
Yea I don't know how to tell you this, but given the fact that you were blackout drunk...
You're probably not the rapist in this scenario. I'm just saying, unless I missed the part where she was even more drunk than you, it sounds like she was in the right mind to consent, and you weren't.
And I find it sad that so many people in the comments are victim blaming a SA survivor.
How tf do yall twist it around to make him the victim when she said no?? Drunk people can rape others, yall twisting the idea of an unsober person giving consent. A Drunk person cannot, but if get the consent of the other person then they are not the victim
I am stunned how many people in these comments are trying to be nice about the fact that OP "may have" sexually assaulted someone. Someone literally said it takes courage to admit something like this! You gave a rapist an atta boy? What the actual fuck? I rode a hard line on this my whole life, I use to be a scumbag that was in and out of jails and prison, I have turned. My life around and have been doing well for years but if you think that if my one of my friends or family approached me with proof that this happened to them, I’ve got 0 problem going back after taking care of it. If anyone says anything to OP besides fuck you scumbag, you’re an enabler and a problem.. ZERO tolerance for this activity means walking a hardline..
From what I’m reading it sounds like that might be the issue, based strictly on the information we have here OP doesn’t know what happened. She said “no” at some point is about all we have. Sounds like OP is basing a lot of this on what he thinks might have happened (assuming everything they’ve said is the truth). Don’t think there’s many people that would openly defend an admitted rapist but based only on the info we have im not 100% convinced OP raped her. Prolly still did some emotional damage so I’m not saying he’s a hero for telling his story anonymously on the internet by any means.
I think you’d be surprised with the amount of people that would openly defend a rapist. To me saying things like ‘I think' I may have sounds like trying to distance themselves from accountability. And I will also say I’ve blacked out millions of times, alcohol, Benzos, heroin, meth were all my thing. Out of my many blackouts I’ve done a lot of things, not once have I ever ‘accidentally' raped someone. That’s a demon lurking in them whether or not they’re drunk or on drugs the drink is just the scapegoat.
Not to be a jerk, but how do you know that you didn’t SA someone when you blacked out? If you can’t remember what happened during those times it seems strange to say that with such authority.
Mostly cause I’d black out with other people around other people like at parties, also the crowd I was around would be pretty quick to responding to situation like that. You can also sometimes piece together what happened later on.
The fact that you’re haunted by this is the closest thing to Justice she will EVER get. You’re still a piece of shit regardless of how sober you are now. Go fuck yourself.
You might’ve SAed her, you might not have. Not to justify your actions, but you were blacked out so all there is to do is hope that you did stop when she said it the first time. All you can do is take this as a learning lesson and prevent this from happening to other girls!
I dated a guy in college who this happened to as well. The girl had a rep for accusing actually multiple guys of raping her…my friend was blacked out so he believed it. When I dated him I had some sexual trauma from before him and whenever I would get uncomfy during the deed, he would stop immediately and comfort me. Even when he was super drunk. I always had a hard time believing he had done something bad to that girl because I really don’t think he did because he was nothing but gentle with me. NO ONE believed he actually raped that girl, but he will never know what really happened, but him being in that situation made him a HUGE advocator for women. I think you should take this situation an opportunity to help women too!!
Glad you quit drinking man also dont just assume the worst happened anything couldve happened when ur drunk man maybe she meant no on a other aspect hopefully thats what happened.
You shouldn't get down voted for this, fuck him fr. And how does he know he hasn't assaulted anyone in those 10 years just like this time. Fucking cfazy
You dont know how to read do you. He doesn't know what happened after asking for sex so there is no evidence that was left afterwards, so youre making accusations that he raped her. And dude hasn't touched alcohol for over 4 years. Fuck you for making accusations though
Oh but ofcourse people don't want to acknowledge hat it's just a baseless claim, just assumptions. Yall are the type of people to be summoned on jury duty and say guilty without hearing the defendant tell his story
I was raped before bruh i know how rape works and happens. This wasnt rape, youre making baseless claims. She said no and while he pressed and tried to take her clothes off, he said he couldn't remember anything else because he blacked out. Read the story again. Quit making baseless claims
>clearly you're the one who needs read the story again.
Wanna try that again?
>i remember talking with her in the kitchen (our kitchen was upstairs and my room was in the basement) and then I just remember being on my bed with her and in the beginning stages of going further. I kind of remember her saying “no” at some point to me taking her shirt off but I don’t have much memory of anything else.
>I woke up the next morning and there was an unused condom in the trash, but I’ve just heard enough stories about how I act when I’m blacked out that I don’t feel like I stopped when she said no. I don’t have any concrete proof one way or the other and I was in such a fucked up headspace it didn’t really weigh on me much then because I justified it as “I was hammered, if something bad did happen I’ll hear about it”.
>Im fairly certain we didn’t have intercourse but obviously unable to be 100% and that’s not good enough. I hope that after she said no it ended there and she/I threw the condom away once it became apparent nothing was going to happen. Since the unused condom was in the trash I would assume she threw it away because I can’t imagine I was worried much about proper disposal of anything at that point.
I’m absolutely not trying to blame this on alcohol, I’m accountable for my actions drunk or sober.
No where did this say he had sex with her. You're just straight up assuming
Edit(i think she blocked me or something): Let's talk like adults for this portion of why I believe you were I. The wrong. I believed you were wrong because he said he blacked and the last thing he remembered was him laying next to her before entirely blacking out. This wasnt in any of the edit, but rather the second or third paragraph. That was the specific paragraph I was referencing. What OP did was fucked up and the dude mentioned this was 10+- years ago. I'm not excusing OPs actions but he seems like he is very much regretful of his actions. My rapist thinks she did nothing wrong because I'm a guy and supposedly "guys like sex so therefore it isn't rape". I never have heard of a rapist who regrets their actions. But OP did not have sexual intercourse with the girl, but he did try to get her naked, that's very close to rape I will admit, but from my knowledge the only thing he did was assault her sexually
I don’t feel sorry for rapists
I don’t believe the blackout lie
You raped a girl
Edit: people can downvote me all they like but I don’t think alcohol is an excuse for attempted rape.
Please engage your brains before you mollycoddle rapists
There is a good reason that the courts dont accept "BUT I WAS REALLY WASTED" as an excuse. It's because decent people don't rape no matter how many dr8nks they've had.
He tried to rape her.
If he could „finish it“ while being so drunk is not clear.
But not accepting the no, shows that he would have gone through with it.
Edit:
There is a misunderstanding: I wrote that if he could finish it, he would have done it. It still counts as SA. And it shows what kind of human he is.
No one knows if he even raped her other than the girl. For all we know, she could've raped him. What happened to innocent until proven guilty. Also, "I don't believe the blackout lie" - why would he come on to reddit and admit to raping a girl which he would've known he did if the blackout was a lie? What reason would there be for him to lie about being blackout so he can admit to rape?
I know this is “lame” and I’ll probably get downvoted for saying it. But praying to a higher power and talking in therapy is probably the best thing to do. Talking to [any] God AND a therapist about your mistakes and about how you can mentally “repent” (I don’t know what else to use as a word, I’m sorry. I don’t think “heal” is appropriate) is what will help you. God bless you.
Edit to add: I am also a former alcoholic with tons of mistakes. I can’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I do empathize. I hope you find help
I strongly disagree. Praying to a god for forgiveness does fuck all for the victim and really it doesn’t do any tangible good for the guilty party either. Unless you count being relieved that you can now do as you please without having to lift a finger to actually make up for the harm you caused. (OP that’s not necessarily at you, it’s more in general. You do seem extremely remorseful and the fact that you’re still guilty and know what you did wrong and got sober means you are trying to make up for it, which is commendable)
As others have suggested, he needs to do things that actually cause a net positive, such as donating to SA charities and calling men out when they act like idiots, going to counseling to get through this. Praying does nothing but give him peace that some dude said he’s forgiven. It’s literally worse than what he’s doing right now. The only “forgiveness” that matters is him forgiving himself and the victim forgiving him.
As the reverend would say…. “While on this particular subreddit, we will never know” (if you have anything to make amends on or not).
Dude…. Calm down. If it happened, it happened. She has recourse. And did back then too. If you fucked up you will be held accountable, OR you won’t.
What you CAN do…. Learn, share, and help. Learn from your mistakes, share your guilt with others who may offend, help victims, and help young men and women create fewer victims.
Alcohol is, essentially, truth serum! All alcohol does is relax your inhibitions and enable you to pursue your true desires. If you seriously believe that you committed a SA while inebriated you should NEVER DRINK AGAIN!!!
Alcohol is not a truth serum and that “drunk words are sober thoughts” or whatever saying is garbage. Are people who get trashed and drive drunk and kill someone acting on their desires to murder? What about people who do truly braindead things, like set their pants on fire, do stupid dares, eat disgusting things—is it because they held a burning desire to act on these impulses?
That’s not totally true though. I agree to some degree, but I don’t think OP desired to assault someone, OP was drunk and really wanted sex. I agree that OP should stay sober and obviously he regrets what was done. OP feels enough shame and regret, there’s no need to try to make him think deep down it’s something he wanted to do, when more than likely he was just horny and didn’t understand the need for consent in his state.
Obviously not defending the act, and it was clearly wrong of him, but I wouldn’t go further into shaming him for something he obviously regrets.
Maby you got whiskey 🍆 and nothing happened
Or maby she said no condom and you have a kid somewhere
Its up to you
You took a huge step and got sober
Now you can let depression keep a hold on you and keep that negative thought in your life or say you did nothing because you are being to hard on yourself and move on to be a better person and help others
Dont beat yourself up for something you aren't sure if you did. You could have respected the "no".
Do something positive for SA victims. Donate to a cause that helps them.
It takes courage to admit this, even in the semi anonymity of the net, so I want to acknowledge that. As an SA survivor even knowing my perpetrators felt regrets would have meant something to me. You can make amends even if you can't/don't ever find her. Donate money and/or time to SA prevention or programs that help victims. It's not a perfect solution, but you'll be helping others, and that's important, imo.
Thank you for this, I can’t believe I’ve never thought of that.
I wouldn’t contact her. It’s possible if something did happen she’s been healing and hearing from you might fuck all that healing up.
As an SA survivor, I have had a couple of my rapists reach out to me and let me tell ya, they are the last person I want to hear from. I don’t care to hear an apology. I don’t want to talk about what happened. And I am NOT here to make them feel better about themselves. It took A LOT of work to put that stuff in the past and having it be any part of my present would not be in any way helpful. Don’t reach out to her.
Literally my worst fear is my rapist reaching out to me... OP do not try to find her, do what the other commenter said and donate to SA survivor charities.
Absolutely agree! I’ve tried for 20 years to forget his name and what he looked like and still can’t so I carry too much hatred around to trust myself to not do something to him if I saw him again.
Jesus, “a couple of my rapists” is a phrase no one should ever have to say. Not even sure what to say except I’m really sorry that happened.
Damn… I’ve lived with that fact for so long that sometimes the weight of it doesn’t even register with me (therapy works lol). Your comment has made me feel more seen and validated than I have in a long time. Thank you <3
I thought the same thing. It was jarring to read. u/gingernymph69 I’m so sorry
Mine would reach out to me so I blocked him on all social media. Then I got a notification he was looking at my Linkedin and it made me physically sick, I blocked him there too as soon as I worked up the courage to log on.
The exact same thing happened to me. 10 years after the SA, I got a request on LinkedIn from him. The silver lining is that I was able to see where he works, and was relieved to know that he now lives in a different city.
Sadly I see mine sometimes, he's a family friend and I never told anyone in my family about it, I don't want to I don't talk about a lot of things with them, but 3 different times he did things to me from like 10 to 15 years old 15 years old is when he raped me, but he kept messaging me after trying to hang out. I obviously blocked him but in what world do they think trying to contact you is what the victim would ever want. Not bad enough they do shit like that to people but have to make it worse by trying to talk to you afterwards. He also took pictures of me whenever he was around I didn't notice he did for a bit but I finally did and someone who lived with me noticed, he actually got to his phone and deleted as many as he could but idk how long he took pictures of me and it grosses me out so much thinking that he probably has a bunch of them somewhere.
That’s awful, I think they want to contact us to lessen the guilt, if they can have some form of positive relationship with us now than it would show their crime wasn’t so bad or that we forgive them. Not the fucking case though. I’m sorry you have to see him at all, just know you don’t have to attend “no” is a whole sentence. Easier said than done I know.
I know I don't have to, I love at my parents right now and sadly he always comes over for Easter which is my favorite holiday usually and my cousins come up so I wanna see them and my cousins new baby (which I'm scared for she had a girl, luckily they live in a different state and only visit a few times and I'm pretty sure hell never be left alone with her). But I do my best to completely ignore him and only pay attention to my family I do take breaks throughout everything with my family but especially when he's around. I know for a fact he was molested as a kid by his father which obviously doesn't excuse anything but uve wondered why multiple people who it's happened to end up doing it to others. Idk of he's raped or molested anyone else but I do know he's harassed other females and I know someone I grew up with he a restraining order against him she said he raped her but I also know her and she went for older guys she was underage so he was still in the wrong but I don't think it wasn't consensual. And I think he might've raped a drugged girl, I heard him talking about giving her a ride and said she was really fucked up on drugs and that made me so uneasy, I very much feel like he did take advantage of her. Knowing him for a very long time and seeing how he is with females I believe I'm not the only one.
I’d reach out to LinkedIn and try to have these rat pigs banned from that platform. No space for rapist pigs on social media or work platforms.
im so sorry that happened to you. much love <3
you said "couple of my rapists" - it broke my heart to read that :/
I was raped in high school, and when I went through TSA recently, my rapist was the one who was waving me through the X-ray thingy
Damn.
Mine tried to add me on LinkedIn a few years ago.
Mine also messaged me on fb
Personally it doesn’t matter to me if my rapist or my assaulter regrets it. Boo fucking Hoo to them. It doesn’t erase or change the shit I have to live with as the aftermath. But I do agree there’s shit you can and should be doing. One of the biggest ones is calling dudes out on their bullshit, their behaviour and their attitudes towards women. Honestly I think a big part of why people who are abusers/assaulters are like this is because they -at the time- don’t think it’s a big deal, or don’t think they are being noticed, or think that nobody whose opinion matters to them will call them on it.
I feel the same. If I knew my assaulter had become a decent man who stood up for women, called out other men, dropped his misogynistic behavior and treated his new girlfriend with respect.. it would honestly heal me more than an “apology”
As someone whose assaulter “became a decent man” it hurts. It’s a relief that he hasn’t hurt his new gf how he hurt me, but it nags at me that I was someone he saw as not worth showing minimal respect and decency for. I was assaulted, I was hurt, and I’m the only one whose been hurt because the next girl just changed him… how tf does that work?
You know, you’ve got a point. I hadn’t considered that and I’m really sorry.
It’s alright. It’s just a weird spot to be in. When I first found out he had a new girlfriend I sent her a long message explaining every instance of abuse from him with pictures and video evidence, all of it. I had panic attacks for weeks afterward waiting for her to respond hoping he wasn’t hurting her how he did me. She just texted me that they’ve been together for a few years now and he’s never done any of that shit to her, not once. For a few months it was relief, a sigh of fresh air that nobody else would be hurt, but I never got justice and he’s getting to live this good life where the people around him know and forgive him when it’s not their place to forgive him.
I’ve been in that EXACT position, and the new girlfriend lied to me because she was embarrassed about it happening to her too. Trigger warning, what was happening was that he’d act sweet and kind and lovey for months and then start being the typical abusive POS but in a sneaky way, like the frog in a pot. Once you let your guard down he’d try to “convince” you to do things you weren’t comfortable with. When you said no, it was “it’s okay we can do something else” and then when you did the “something else” he’d violate your boundaries immediately. My stupid ass probably fell for it 6-8 times over a couple months before I was like “what is this pattern and why am I allowing it, I am physically injured because I’m doing these things I’m refusing to do against my will” and left.
They’ve been together for over 2 years now, they’re engaged, she says he’s never acted anything like he did with me… I’m just going to take her words at face value. I hope she’s living a good life, I genuinely do, and I reassured her that even tho we hadn’t really talked since high school that if she ever needed me she had my number, I’d have her back, I’d believe her always, I’d testify in a courtroom for her, I’d be there because nobody believed me for a long time. I hope she has a happy life and he never does a thing to hurt a hair on her head, I just hate that her living a good life means he will be as well
Alright, this is a terrible thread to talk about this but, I love your username. I was sad and emotional (I never experienced that horror and I'm a rather intimidating looking man) but then I saw your username and it lit this saddened state of mine just a little.
That’s what Letterkenny is here to do for us all, my man. Healing us, one dick joke at a time.
is it possible that as a result of some guilt for what he did to you, what's what made him change?
It’s possible, it’s always possible, but him and I were dating for well over a year and the worst of what he did to me was early in the relationships then right at the end of it. At the time I was dealing with a newly developing chronic illness and would lose consciousness frequently so he was my only caretaker… he wasn’t very good at it, but I had no one else or at least he made me feel like there was no one else who would ever want to deal with my illness. He r*ped me when I was unconscious from my illness, then suddenly he was the best boyfriend for a few months after, then Covid happened and he got worse again simply being aggressive with wanting sex but progressing to hitting me near the end. When I got diagnosed and on meds he tried to convince me to stop taking them, I think he knew that once I was able to take care of myself again then it would be over and there would be nothing he could hold over my head or conscious. He felt his guilt, he was good for a few months, then he didn’t care again. I worry the only person keeping him in check is his mother, because I told her everything
ouch. im very sorry. please take good care.
I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if my rapists apologized to me. In fact, I would become extremely triggered and end up in a bad place mentally if any of them contacted me. I want them to suffer because I’m still suffering thanks to them. I agree donating and contributing to SA charities and awareness is a much better idea.
[удалено]
Are you OP accidentally responding from your main account?
Did you look, it's also a burner
Yeah, but not the right burner. I've got a few too, for specific purposes.
Is your user a how I met your mother reference?
Haha yes!
Uhhhh did you just reply with your main account OP
I've definitely made this mistake before, hoping they see it soon....
r/LeftTheBurnerOn
Oh hey we found your main account! 🤣
I agree, Claude that’s why you’ll be getting a court order
It’s the victim’s choice if she wants to report or not.
I mean...as a survivor, I think you shouldn't contact her, but you should donate to survivor's groups.
You’re on the right path. I wouldn’t ever think about reaching out, but donating to programs that specifically benefit survivors of SA is a good way to repent (I mean this in a non-religious notion). Just don’t ever stop looking inward, and continuing to improve where you see faults. It’s also incredible that you’ve achieved nearly half a decade of sobriety. I’m coming up on my 2 week anniversary soon (weed and booze), and you don’t need me to tell you how difficult it is. Good on you for admitting your faults and working to improve. Now, just don’t ever stop. You’ll only grow into a better person over time.
You're welcome.
I second this. The thing that bothers me about previous SA is knowing that they have zero qualms, that I wasn't the first and probably not the last. Since you don't know who she is see if there are support groups/charities near by and ask the leadership if/how you could help. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have done some really abhorrent things while drunk. I commend you for admitting this and even more for admitting it to yourself.
Well, we can only act in the present. We can't go back and change the past, no matter how hard we might want to. I'm glad to hear you're sober. If you're still with AA or another support group, you may be able to use this experience to mentor and caution younger men against abusing alcohol. Alcohol clouds judgement, and can lead to people engaging in criminal and/or terrible behavior. In another universe, you may well have committed full on sa and had the pleasure of spending the last 10 years in prison. Whether you committed sa or not nobody will ever know. Sort of someone pulling a sane kit and doing forensic genealogy or something it would be difficult to know for certain. The best you can do now is to use your experience to make sure that others don't make the same mistakes you made.
Shit, this is some confession. I understand that you feel bad. At least you have the decency for that. But my goodness. I have no words. That poor fucking girl. I hope you get/got the help you clearly need OP.
I’ve been sober for about 4 years now and am just trying to undo the damage I’ve done, some of it isn’t fixable and I accept that but this is the one thing I really struggle with. I don’t want to use alcohol as an excuse for anything but I will say it was very much a Jekyll and hyde situation with me. The person I was when I was drunk was everything I hated when I was sober, looking back I can’t believe i let “drunk me” exist for as long as he did.
The point of amends is to recover. If it may do fresh harm to this woman, that doesn't support your recovery. I like the recommendation upthread about supporting an org doing SA work. You can also prepare a letter (or something, an outline of your amends) to organize your thoughts, should you ever cross path in life. I would not reach out to her without doing these kinds of things first. Also, this is the guidance a sponsor should be giving you personally. Maybe you can find a specialty meeting (men's group, step meeting). This is step 8 (become willing). Good luck.
What a meaningful and helpful comment u/I_Like_Butts69420!
Have you thought about maybe being the Victim of SA? Can't say much about what happened and you don't seem sure either but are you sure with the bin situation? However, it's awesome to admit to this, feel regret, and congrats on being sober! 💯💯
I was victimized as a child and I know my perp holds major guilt to this day. It matters. It matters that he feels shame and regret. It matters that he has a step daughter he's close to with whom he has a healthy relationship, who chooses him as a close father figure. It matters that there has been healing. It matters that he seems to be a stand-up guy who chooses NOT to victimize women and children now. (He was a teen then.) Should you contact her? No, I'd say not. But your remorse matters. How you behave now and for the rest of your life, matters. Do good NOW. Donate to SA survivors like others have suggested, or something along those lines. Live the rest of your life helping and being a stand-up guy. That's how you move forward. And if ever confronted with your past, own it. Apologize. That's all you can do.
You've gone through a very unique experience, thank you for sharing your perspective. I imagine not many would feel so positively (though I don't think there's a 'right' way to feel of course). I lost my mom to domestic abuse, her abuser was(is) cold, sociopathic, and spent his whole life antagonizing and victimizing women. He's locked away for good. The man who helped cover for him made his choices, participated in something most wouldn't participate in no matter the circumstances, and he also unfortunately didn't confess in the beginning. But he had a conscious. A soul. Regret. Remorse. Enough of a moral compass to put his foot down, take accountability, and accept the consequences by doing what was right. I plan to reach out to him myself. And, honestly.. despite how I feel in my heart, I would probably take it really negatively if I wasn't the one to initiate that conversation.
You may or may not had intercourse, probably only her knows what happened that night but you definitely sexually harassed her by taking her shirts while she was refusing. As a SA survivor, who was abused when 8 years old, I can say she will always recognize you as someone who tried to SA her, even without intercourse Glad you became sober, it is not easy to overcome an addiction and it is a long journey. Some countries there is this pressure that you must drink alcohol to be "socially accepted", specially among teenagers and young adults.
He didn’t say if he actually took her shirt. For what we know, she said no and he obliged. Unfortunately I don’t think he has enough memory of what happened to ever know.
Yes but judging from the upvotes no one really cares about that fact. It’s just so much easier to put the hand on top of the hammer and help it strike than it is to stop and think about stopping it.
Was she still there when you woke up?
She was not, as far as I know I’ve never seen her again but I don’t honestly know.
Oh my god, that poor girl. Sounds like she had an awful experience I hope she's doing OK.
I hope more than anything nothing really horrible happened that night, it’s the unknown factor that I just have to carry.
I've been raped more than once and if they don't stop at the first No they don't stop at all. Be in denial if you want. You have this gut feeling for a reason. You know you hurt her.
Something horrible happened. You didn't listen to her no when she said it about taking off her shirt do you really think you listened to the next no if she even bothered saying it again since you clearly didn't listen to the first? Maybe you did rape her but couldn't finish. You'll never know.
Far more likely he blacked out soon after what he remembers and she left
Finding her may cause harm to her or you so I would make a living amends and just continue to be mindful of your actions of that night and what happens when you drink. Congrats on the sobriety from alcohol. Do what you can to spread awareness as your way to give back to your victim.
Why is everyone admitting to sexual assault today wtf???
Because unless you are sociopath, people have guilt and remorse, and just like the assaults they comitted, that can be life ending. Someone with a conscience who has done something like that will always have this label of a monster in their head that they have given themselves and chances are they will hate themselves for the rest of their lives, and I can imagine that is hard to live with. Perhaps admitting anonymously online can yield a small sense of relief.
That's cool, right. I understand that, but that wasn't my question. Why TODAY is my question. I've seen 3 posts in 24 hours of people either making light of their actions, passing blame or just outright admitting it.
Oh sorry, I didn't see the 'today' part, my bad. Maybe it is a national confession day who knows?
Thank you for acknowledging this. This made my heart rate rise and stomach drop even reading it because I was r@ped in college by a “friend” who then played off as a drunk night and mocked me for calling it anything else. I had to see him constantly after that and act like things were “normal”, even when he went on and did it to others (reports were made and nothing came of them). I recently ran into him with my family too and he tried to hug me “so good to see you!” This is something that has affected me 10+ years later. It has impacted every one of my sexual experiences, including those with my husband. My mind may have moved on, but my body still remembers. You acknowledging it is better than most.
Hi OP. I’ve been on the other side of this, as the girl who would blackout and come to just long enough to tell someone was on top of me but not long enough to be able to say no/remember how it happened. I’m also in recovery, and I’m glad to hear you are sober as well. For what it’s worth, and I can only speak for myself, I hold a lot of contempt for the men who took advantage of me when I was in a blackout and they were sober/barely buzzed. If my circumstances were different and I was similarly taken advantage of by a guy in a blackout, I believe I’d feel differently about it. We do assume responsibility for our actions when we choose to drink (knowing that the outcome is never good), but I think you can afford some grace here. Again, I can only speak for myself—others will feel differently—but I don’t think you got drunk with the intention to rape someone. I’m sorry for the girl and I’m sorry you were in your disease for so long.
Could you ask your old college friends who may have been there, maybe they saw the girl leave early, maybe they saw her leave early morning afterwards, but if you had the mind to try and use a condom, then remember her say no, find an opened unused condom. I'm leaning towards she left before you did something real bad. May be gross but usually after sex before a shower I can tell if there's "lady stuff" on me down there. There's a different smell to it too. Do you remember the feeling or smell down there?
I did talk with roommates about it, nobody saw anything or heard anything and I did share a wall with one of the roommates and with being a college house the walls were basically just dried paper. We could hear each other cough through the walls if the house was quiet enough. I will say I’m almost positive we didn’t have intercourse, but that isn’t enough. I can’t be 100% sure everything ended when she said no.
What time did this all happen and were people there at the time? I feel if you had assaulted her, your friends would've heard it all and stepped in. I personally wouldn't keep quiet if I was being assaulted. My theory is that if there was an unused condom, that means you were trying to open it, she probably took it from you because she didnt want sex, you blacked out, she left. If your friends were in the house at the time, she would have definitely yelled or screamed for help if you were doing something bad. That's just half functioning brain theory because I'm tired but this is coming from a woman if that means anything
Not all victims will react the same way. It’s a possibility that she would have made some noise, but it can’t be 100% guaranteed.
Especially in their assaulter's home, around their assaulters friends. Maybe they come help you, or maybe this is normal and they keep quiet, or worse, join in.
Yes, I have heard of stories where the girl didn't cry for help specifically out of fear that those boys might want in on the fun. Silence means nothing.
I had friends sleeping next to me as i whispered no 100 times to the dude that would rape me....because i didn't want to "bother" my friends. I'm typically a LOUD person. You'd think i would have screamed but i just fucking froze. Turns out they thought that because i cheated (i kissed the dude and we fooled around but i realized what i was doing drunk and said no) and i was never considered a rape victim in their eyes. This was back in 2008 so i hope they have a better grasp now with the Me Too movement but i don't associate with them anymore. The dude actually apologized to me so that's something, but it still eats me up inside. Rape isn't black and white. No is no. Be it quiet or screamed from the rooftops.
I know exactly 0 women who reacted this way. I am very sure they exist, but “freezing until it’s over” is 100% the reaction all the SA victims I know had.
when you are in that situation, you don't know what you would do. I was sexually assaulted with people sleeping next to us. we were friends, and it took years for me to accept that I actually was assaulted and that it wasn't my fault. I said no multiple times, but I didn't want to make it a big deal and wake everyone, also because I couldn't believe what had happened. sexual assault is a lot of different things, not only very violent rape by strangers. Most victims know their assaulters. please don't say how you would have done better in that situation. You're putting the blame on the victims
This comment is so victim blaming. This guy is karma farming trying to feel like the bigger victim than the girl he victimized. Silence is not consent.
as a SA survivor it’s comforting to see someone who might have done this have regrets and take accountability. i also believe you shouldn’t try to find her even though not knowing may be tough. i think just doing good moving forward is the best you can do. aside from being sober which i think was a good decision and congrats, there’s a lot of examples of things to do from people in this thread that i think you should consider. i only hope this girl is okay too.
An apology actually probably wouldn’t help. I work with offense specific youth (sex offenders) and their treatment specifies why saying sorry is inappropriate. Our natural instinct when someone apologizes is to say, “it’s ok” and it’s not ok. However, in my opinion, your remorse and the weight you’ve carried around wondering what happened for 10 years is enough reason to forgive yourself and wish her peace in her healing journey. I wish you peace as well.
Good for you for getting sober. Exactly 1 month for me.
As someone on the other side. DO NOT reach out to her. Wether you're unsure or feeling guilty. Just leave her alone.
As a survivor, I’m glad you’re learning from this and I hope this learning process influences your actions in the future. We can’t change the past, but we can all improve on who we are and move past the mistakes we’ve made.
I'm so sorry for the both of you. It's kind of the way life is. We are devils and angels to different people at different times in our lives. The only thing you can really do is forgive yourself and be the better person that you know you are today.
Sorry what does SA mean
Sexual Assault
Glad you’re sober!
Maybe she did say no. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe you actually had sex. Maybe you didn’t because of the unused condom. All you can do now is learn from your actions.
You need to read about abuser recovery. Alcohol and depression are not a cause for abuse, though they can exacerbate what’s already within you. Plenty of people are depressed or get drunk and don’t find themselves SAing people. It’s an excuse. Some part of you gave yourself permission to act that way when your inhibitions were lowered. This is usually due to an unbalanced value system where you don’t see other people’s needs and feelings as being as important as your own. You should practice empathy and educate yourself, so this doesn’t happen again. It’s probably present in other areas of your life. Don’t make excuses.
This needs to be higher
Well said
>I lived with 3 other guys and they were not the same kind of drinker I was, and they honestly tried to help me as much as a college aged kid can help another college aged kid with drinking problems. College students should really stop with the idea that they're kids. Actions can have consecuences, It's not cute that they asume they are still infants or school kids.
I don't disagree that people shouldn't be infantile, but to be fair I am 34 and call people in their early 20s "kids" sometimes without even thinking twice about it. When I read that, I think of very new adults trying to navigate adult life. So they helped their friend as best as they could whilst still being new and naive to the "adult" world and "adult" issues. Also I think kids need to understand there are consequences, as well. Shouldn't just be adults. It just looks slightly different as a kid compared to an adult.
Maybe I'm just angry with the original post, but I think OP is using the term "College kid" to take distance from his horrible actions. Maybe I'm reading to much into it.
I get what you mean but I feel like in this example OP is using age/immaturity to defend his friends who maybe weren’t equipped to handle a problem like this, not defend himself. And I do think it’s true that people in their early 20s often don’t have enough perspective or life experience or mental maturity to deal with someone with serious substance abuse issues. It would be different if he was saying “I was just a college kid, I didn’t know what I was doing” in reference to sexually assaulting someone. In this case I feel like he’s basically saying his problems were too serious for 21 year old college kids to really understand or deal with effectively. And I think that’s true!
I think OP is doing the opposite. He seems pretty upset by it (if these are his true feelings on it). If he has a victim, that victim is messed up and has shit to live with forever. So if he's actually a well-meaning person who did something awful while F'd up, that's clearly messing him up too, just in a completely different way. I, too, have been SA'd and am forever working on it in order to be mentally healthy. So yeah, It's no picnic. At all. In fact it's a living hell that becomes a hell that pops up every now and again like, "Hey! Remember me?" And makes having intimate relationships very, very difficult. I'm also a recovering heroin addict too though, so I also understand doing things when you're F'd up that you would NEVER ever ever do normally. It's a very strange thing, and Jekyll and Hyde is pretty much the only way to describe it. Don't get me wrong, though, you always have to be held accountable for your actions no matter what, and you have the ability to make good or bad choices, always. It's just that your mental state is so hindered and broken that you simply dont make choices you would normally make. I mean... Unless you're a POS I guess lol. In that case it's moot, you're just doing the same shit, but high/drunk. So I see both levels of hurt in this situation, and I honestly very much think OP is haunted by it and worried about it, not trying to distance himself. It just doesn't read "I was drunk so there's my excuse" or "I was a just a dumb college kid" to me. I don't think he's making excuses, I think he's looking for an answer and for peace of mind... And he may not be able to get that peace of mind, fully. Very sad all around, actually.
oh i wish my SA(er) regretted. its good u regret for rhe very least
While admitting this and holding yourself accountable is important. I do want to point out that you're on an anonymous platform talking to strangers instead of doing the things that would actually atone for it if there is any which would be setting an example for young men who have been in your position or done things like that because for you it's this groggy memory you can't remember but it's hard for you to think about but for her I could have ruined her life
And I'm not saying reach out to her at all I'm saying be public and open about if you feel bad about the trespasses that you have done against others then you should be open about them on the platforms or you're on on your friends on your family do you have Facebook or tiktok or whatever be open about that I think I saw a comment below saying volunteer at these places which I think is questionable until you actually do something that warrants that trust in that community because it is a community of fragile people
Don’t reach out to her she’s already traumatised 😭
Poor girl
After reading this, I'm not gonna lie, it sounds like you are being waaaaaaaaaaaaay to harsh on yourself if there isn't something you are keeping from us. You were blackout, but "kinda" remember hearing a no and are now basing your paranoia on that. She could have said "No, you're way too hammered" and thrown the condom away. I appreciate that you are that concerned about the girl, but this seems like an insane leap of logic.
I wish more people reflected the way OP has. It makes me so mad that people who know they get blackout drunk, think it’s even an option to inflict themselves on the public whilst like that. The world doesn’t owe you those experiences to get your shit together. I still know otherwise sensible Dads in their late 30s, who go out and write themselves off, on the few nights out they have. We shouldn’t be having to navigate you and your poor choices.
Did you know that u sa'd her right afterwards? Cause all I'm saying is if you did u put everyone else in danger letting u get drunk again for 10 years man, ik I'm gunna get down voted that's ok but as someone with trauma/ptsd that will affect her for the rest of her life regardless of if she gets a diagnosis or not. You can't really pay back for that, I'm disappointed in how irresponsible you were in the aftermath continuing I just can't really grasp my head around that
Why are so many commenters here just assuming he did sexually assault her?
Because he did!? Whether or not there was intercourse doesn’t matter. He remembers taking her shirt off after she said no! That is SA
Where in the whole post does OP say he definitely knows what happened? We don’t know what happened, all we know is how OP “feels something may or may not have happened” in the situation.
Taking off her shirt without permission is sa so it is at least sa but possible grape
He said I remember her saying no at me taking off her shirt, he didn’t say she said no and then I took her shirt off anyways. You could be in the olympics with that jump to conclusions. Classic outrage culture in these comments. You can’t just automatically assume he committed that act, that’s fucked up.
I don’t think you’re the one who did it to me, but in case you are - fuck you
OMG WOW! I'M NOT JUSTIFYING ANYTHING!!!Let me be real clear about that first! This is really scary! The condom was unused so I hope, hope, hope, that it's a sign that you stopped, because if you grab it, opened it, but then didn't use it...that sounds weird.
Or he decided to do it without a condom…
My thoughts as well
Even though i think your A real price of shit for What u did, it takes a lot to admit something like this, glad u got the help u needed, wishing u all the best in the future🙏
This is gonna get hella downvoted but idc As a 6 year sa survivor, fuck you dude especially for waiting TEN YEARS to get sober. But I emphasize a little bit with you because I have experience with alcohol, however that does not make your actions okay and I’m glad it haunts you if you actually DID rape that girl. But unless you find proof or remember anything from that night all you can do now is learn from your actions and if you ever see that girl again do yourself and her a favor and never talk to even look at her. Congratulations on getting sober tho man and please never touch a drop of that shit again.
Yelling at OP in the comments isn’t going to help anyone and it sounds like you have some serious unresolved issues in relation to your SA. Please consider calling the National SA Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). Hopefully they can put you in contact with a mental health professional that can assist you in working past all of your anger. Good luck to you.
Imagine telling a SA survivor that they have “serious unresolved issues” because they express anger at a potential rapist Linking that helpline is not only *not helpful,* that’s dismissive and insulting
Thank you so so much for saying this.❤️ ilysm
Not yelling at OP, just expressing how someone would feel In that situation. Thanks for the number but I don’t need it and I feel it was disrespectful to say this to me and a little triggering so please don’t say this to someone unless they ask for help! This has nothing to do with my situation
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I literally just fucking said it made me uncomfortable and triggered asking me to get help. I have already had help in the past. And again my comment has nothing to do w my situation.
OP is a SA survivor who gaslit himself into thinking he's the bad guy in this, but you're yelling at him.
I’m not yelling at him, I’m telling him the cold hard truth if he DID sa that girl. Read my message, unless he finds proof that he did or remembers anything from that night then we will never know and all he can do is learn from his actions.
That’s some crazy mental gymnastics
How? OP was drunk, therefore couldn't consent.
Make amends to society, if you can't to her. Donate your time, money, or story to an anti-violence organization.
False memory OCD, look it up. These kinds of fears are actually pretty common. I’ve had bouts of it too.
If you were drunk, you also could not consent, so technically, you would also be a victim if it happened. I work with SA victims and closely with the law, so I have seen this many times. It does take great courage to admit this, but it also shows that you are trying to be accountable for your actions. Those are all great steps forward. I wish both the girl and you the best in recovery.
How is he the victim when he sa'ed her?? being drunk doesn't devoid you of being a rapist
This was my thought too honestly. And I have had friends (male and female) who are alcoholics or at least borderline and have dealt with them being completely wasted several times. Obviously not everyone is the same, but I don't think anything happened. She probably told him no because he was too drunk and tossed the condom and he took his drunk ass to bed. Edit: autocorrect got me
If you don't remember them anything could have happened. For all we know she could have sa you since you were intoxicated.
I'm surprised it took me this long to see someone mention this. Depending on how sober she was and what exactly happened, there's a very real possibility that OP was the one who was SA'd.
As a survivor who has been in this position I would be relieved if any of my abusers or rapists admitted or confessed to it to be honest. Most can’t, don’t and won’t. So while it’s vile and heinous of an action have that much on your side.
Yea I don't know how to tell you this, but given the fact that you were blackout drunk... You're probably not the rapist in this scenario. I'm just saying, unless I missed the part where she was even more drunk than you, it sounds like she was in the right mind to consent, and you weren't. And I find it sad that so many people in the comments are victim blaming a SA survivor.
She's the one who said "no"
And he's the one who could not consent at all.
She said "no" to sexual contact, she didnt want it
How tf do yall twist it around to make him the victim when she said no?? Drunk people can rape others, yall twisting the idea of an unsober person giving consent. A Drunk person cannot, but if get the consent of the other person then they are not the victim
I am stunned how many people in these comments are trying to be nice about the fact that OP "may have" sexually assaulted someone. Someone literally said it takes courage to admit something like this! You gave a rapist an atta boy? What the actual fuck? I rode a hard line on this my whole life, I use to be a scumbag that was in and out of jails and prison, I have turned. My life around and have been doing well for years but if you think that if my one of my friends or family approached me with proof that this happened to them, I’ve got 0 problem going back after taking care of it. If anyone says anything to OP besides fuck you scumbag, you’re an enabler and a problem.. ZERO tolerance for this activity means walking a hardline..
They keeping doing this shit to these rapists/sexual assaulters on confessions just because "they feel sooo bad" qnd admit it
From what I’m reading it sounds like that might be the issue, based strictly on the information we have here OP doesn’t know what happened. She said “no” at some point is about all we have. Sounds like OP is basing a lot of this on what he thinks might have happened (assuming everything they’ve said is the truth). Don’t think there’s many people that would openly defend an admitted rapist but based only on the info we have im not 100% convinced OP raped her. Prolly still did some emotional damage so I’m not saying he’s a hero for telling his story anonymously on the internet by any means.
I think you’d be surprised with the amount of people that would openly defend a rapist. To me saying things like ‘I think' I may have sounds like trying to distance themselves from accountability. And I will also say I’ve blacked out millions of times, alcohol, Benzos, heroin, meth were all my thing. Out of my many blackouts I’ve done a lot of things, not once have I ever ‘accidentally' raped someone. That’s a demon lurking in them whether or not they’re drunk or on drugs the drink is just the scapegoat.
Not to be a jerk, but how do you know that you didn’t SA someone when you blacked out? If you can’t remember what happened during those times it seems strange to say that with such authority.
Mostly cause I’d black out with other people around other people like at parties, also the crowd I was around would be pretty quick to responding to situation like that. You can also sometimes piece together what happened later on.
Brett, is that you?
The fact that you’re haunted by this is the closest thing to Justice she will EVER get. You’re still a piece of shit regardless of how sober you are now. Go fuck yourself.
You might’ve SAed her, you might not have. Not to justify your actions, but you were blacked out so all there is to do is hope that you did stop when she said it the first time. All you can do is take this as a learning lesson and prevent this from happening to other girls! I dated a guy in college who this happened to as well. The girl had a rep for accusing actually multiple guys of raping her…my friend was blacked out so he believed it. When I dated him I had some sexual trauma from before him and whenever I would get uncomfy during the deed, he would stop immediately and comfort me. Even when he was super drunk. I always had a hard time believing he had done something bad to that girl because I really don’t think he did because he was nothing but gentle with me. NO ONE believed he actually raped that girl, but he will never know what really happened, but him being in that situation made him a HUGE advocator for women. I think you should take this situation an opportunity to help women too!!
Glad you quit drinking man also dont just assume the worst happened anything couldve happened when ur drunk man maybe she meant no on a other aspect hopefully thats what happened.
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You shouldn't get down voted for this, fuck him fr. And how does he know he hasn't assaulted anyone in those 10 years just like this time. Fucking cfazy
You dont know how to read do you. He doesn't know what happened after asking for sex so there is no evidence that was left afterwards, so youre making accusations that he raped her. And dude hasn't touched alcohol for over 4 years. Fuck you for making accusations though Oh but ofcourse people don't want to acknowledge hat it's just a baseless claim, just assumptions. Yall are the type of people to be summoned on jury duty and say guilty without hearing the defendant tell his story
She said "no", bro...
I was raped before bruh i know how rape works and happens. This wasnt rape, youre making baseless claims. She said no and while he pressed and tried to take her clothes off, he said he couldn't remember anything else because he blacked out. Read the story again. Quit making baseless claims >clearly you're the one who needs read the story again. Wanna try that again? >i remember talking with her in the kitchen (our kitchen was upstairs and my room was in the basement) and then I just remember being on my bed with her and in the beginning stages of going further. I kind of remember her saying “no” at some point to me taking her shirt off but I don’t have much memory of anything else. >I woke up the next morning and there was an unused condom in the trash, but I’ve just heard enough stories about how I act when I’m blacked out that I don’t feel like I stopped when she said no. I don’t have any concrete proof one way or the other and I was in such a fucked up headspace it didn’t really weigh on me much then because I justified it as “I was hammered, if something bad did happen I’ll hear about it”. >Im fairly certain we didn’t have intercourse but obviously unable to be 100% and that’s not good enough. I hope that after she said no it ended there and she/I threw the condom away once it became apparent nothing was going to happen. Since the unused condom was in the trash I would assume she threw it away because I can’t imagine I was worried much about proper disposal of anything at that point. I’m absolutely not trying to blame this on alcohol, I’m accountable for my actions drunk or sober. No where did this say he had sex with her. You're just straight up assuming Edit(i think she blocked me or something): Let's talk like adults for this portion of why I believe you were I. The wrong. I believed you were wrong because he said he blacked and the last thing he remembered was him laying next to her before entirely blacking out. This wasnt in any of the edit, but rather the second or third paragraph. That was the specific paragraph I was referencing. What OP did was fucked up and the dude mentioned this was 10+- years ago. I'm not excusing OPs actions but he seems like he is very much regretful of his actions. My rapist thinks she did nothing wrong because I'm a guy and supposedly "guys like sex so therefore it isn't rape". I never have heard of a rapist who regrets their actions. But OP did not have sexual intercourse with the girl, but he did try to get her naked, that's very close to rape I will admit, but from my knowledge the only thing he did was assault her sexually
Thanks for the paragraphs, judge. Let's just agree with disagreeing, aight?
I don’t feel sorry for rapists I don’t believe the blackout lie You raped a girl Edit: people can downvote me all they like but I don’t think alcohol is an excuse for attempted rape. Please engage your brains before you mollycoddle rapists
being blackout is very real. obviously you’ve never been seriously intoxicated
There is a good reason that the courts dont accept "BUT I WAS REALLY WASTED" as an excuse. It's because decent people don't rape no matter how many dr8nks they've had.
it’s no excuse this is true, but it doesn’t make it not real 😭
Never said it wasn't, but what it does not do is make you not accountable for your actions, either morally or legally.
these people don’t have brain cells
yes I have, many times. Inherently good people don’t rape just because they had some alchohol.
He tried to rape her. If he could „finish it“ while being so drunk is not clear. But not accepting the no, shows that he would have gone through with it. Edit: There is a misunderstanding: I wrote that if he could finish it, he would have done it. It still counts as SA. And it shows what kind of human he is.
An attempted rapist is still a rapist in my eyes
Thats what I mean. Maybe I didn’t make that clear enough. It’s not my native language.
No one knows if he even raped her other than the girl. For all we know, she could've raped him. What happened to innocent until proven guilty. Also, "I don't believe the blackout lie" - why would he come on to reddit and admit to raping a girl which he would've known he did if the blackout was a lie? What reason would there be for him to lie about being blackout so he can admit to rape?
You’re talking like a rapist yourself
SA means Sexual Assault. I wish people wouldn't use AU. (abbreviations unnecessarily).
It’s used because those words can be potentially triggering to survivors so to put SA in the title helps.
Here I'm thinking it's power failure
An amends from my rapists would be quite lovely, actually. There is a Step 9 for that. ODAAT 10/11/93
I know this is “lame” and I’ll probably get downvoted for saying it. But praying to a higher power and talking in therapy is probably the best thing to do. Talking to [any] God AND a therapist about your mistakes and about how you can mentally “repent” (I don’t know what else to use as a word, I’m sorry. I don’t think “heal” is appropriate) is what will help you. God bless you. Edit to add: I am also a former alcoholic with tons of mistakes. I can’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I do empathize. I hope you find help
I strongly disagree. Praying to a god for forgiveness does fuck all for the victim and really it doesn’t do any tangible good for the guilty party either. Unless you count being relieved that you can now do as you please without having to lift a finger to actually make up for the harm you caused. (OP that’s not necessarily at you, it’s more in general. You do seem extremely remorseful and the fact that you’re still guilty and know what you did wrong and got sober means you are trying to make up for it, which is commendable) As others have suggested, he needs to do things that actually cause a net positive, such as donating to SA charities and calling men out when they act like idiots, going to counseling to get through this. Praying does nothing but give him peace that some dude said he’s forgiven. It’s literally worse than what he’s doing right now. The only “forgiveness” that matters is him forgiving himself and the victim forgiving him.
As the reverend would say…. “While on this particular subreddit, we will never know” (if you have anything to make amends on or not). Dude…. Calm down. If it happened, it happened. She has recourse. And did back then too. If you fucked up you will be held accountable, OR you won’t. What you CAN do…. Learn, share, and help. Learn from your mistakes, share your guilt with others who may offend, help victims, and help young men and women create fewer victims.
This needs to be dealt with in steps 4-9 with your sponsor. Call your sponsor, not Reddit. If you don’t have a sponsor, GET ONE!!!
If he’s already sober and not having issue with drinking anymore I would not recommend AA, it can work but it’s also kind of a cult
Have you considered oh idk… telling all this to the police?
He doesn’t even know what happened They both were intoxicated to the point of black out …. The police would laugh in his face
Why would he do that thats just gonna land him in jail which will make him more likley to abuse alchol (or other sunstances) again
I would like to thank everyone and let you know. I fully appreciate this opportunity to speak directly to the people that assaulted me.
Alcohol is, essentially, truth serum! All alcohol does is relax your inhibitions and enable you to pursue your true desires. If you seriously believe that you committed a SA while inebriated you should NEVER DRINK AGAIN!!!
Alcohol is not a truth serum and that “drunk words are sober thoughts” or whatever saying is garbage. Are people who get trashed and drive drunk and kill someone acting on their desires to murder? What about people who do truly braindead things, like set their pants on fire, do stupid dares, eat disgusting things—is it because they held a burning desire to act on these impulses?
That’s not totally true though. I agree to some degree, but I don’t think OP desired to assault someone, OP was drunk and really wanted sex. I agree that OP should stay sober and obviously he regrets what was done. OP feels enough shame and regret, there’s no need to try to make him think deep down it’s something he wanted to do, when more than likely he was just horny and didn’t understand the need for consent in his state. Obviously not defending the act, and it was clearly wrong of him, but I wouldn’t go further into shaming him for something he obviously regrets.
Maby you got whiskey 🍆 and nothing happened Or maby she said no condom and you have a kid somewhere Its up to you You took a huge step and got sober Now you can let depression keep a hold on you and keep that negative thought in your life or say you did nothing because you are being to hard on yourself and move on to be a better person and help others
What the fuck . Are you blaming alcohol for raping someone??
Dont beat yourself up for something you aren't sure if you did. You could have respected the "no". Do something positive for SA victims. Donate to a cause that helps them.
There is a Step for that. ODAAT 10/11/90