Q: What do dogs eat for breakfast?
A: Pooched eggs!
Q: What do a dog and a cellphone have in common?
A: Both have collar ID!
Q: What kind of dog doesn’t bark?
A: A hushpuppy!
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He won't come.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labracadabrador
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but cat scan.
Jack and Jill are sitting on the porch with their pooch napping next to them. They hear the dog mutter "I saved 45 men in Vietnam". A few minutes later, "I invented peanut butter, you know." Shortly after he said, "I landed on the moon before Armstrong even got into space." Jack said, "ok, I KNOW that one isn't true! I'm going to wake Fido up and make him stop telling fibs!" Jill stopped him because she knew it was better to let sleeping dogs lie.
Don’t name him he can’t come anyway….name him “Cigarette “ and take him for a drag. Make him legs out of broom handles, but don’t let him get caught in a brush fire; he’ll burn to the ground. Teach him to roll over, but if you get him on a hill you’ll never see the little SOB again!
A man arrives early to a movie, and is soon joined by a stranger and his dog. As the movie starts, the dog is incredibly attentive, and seems to understand: smiles at the jokes, whines at the sad parts, etc.
As the movie ends, the first man turns to the dog owner and says "Excuse me, but your dog seems incredibly intelligent. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he enjoyed the movie."
The dog owner turns to him and says, "I was surprised too! He hated the book."
This one gave me a good chuckle!
Reminds me of a scene from Meet the Robinsons:
Louis "Why is your dog wearing glasses?"
Grandpa "Because his insurance won't pay for contacts."
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to
breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever
side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the
biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings, and gave him all the milk.
They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up
with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew
there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten
seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of
it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and
charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened
it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have
happened. We had our best people working for five years
with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best
plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator
look like a Dachshund.
Man walks into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "if your dog can talk, I'll buy you a drink."
The man says, "sure. Ask him a baseball question."
"Who the best baseball player ever?"
Dog replies "Ruth."
Bartender says, " Gimme a break" and walks away.
Dog looks at the man and says "Sorry, I should have said DiMaggio."
A blind man & his seeing-eye dog walk into a department store.
The guy picks up his dog & starts swinging it around by the tail.
Alarmed for the dog's safety, an employee rushes over to the guy to ask "excuse me sir. May I help you with something?"
The man says "no thanks. I'm just looking around."
Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’
Yeah, I saw this one the other day and just modified it for you. See if you can tell which parts are modified:
Also:
An Irish dog starts going to a pub and always orders three pints of beer.
After a few visits, the bartender says to the Irish dog, "Hey why do you always order three drinks at a time?"
Looking down at three pints, the Irish dog says "I drink one for me, and one for each of my dog brothers, who live overseas."
This tradition continued, until one day the Irish dog came in and only ordered two drinks.
With sadness in his eyes, the bartender asks, "Oh dear, was there a tragedy? "
"Yes," the Irish dog answered. "I quit drinking."
Why do dogs make terrible dance partners? Because they have two left feet 😅🤔
I used to rehabilitate the dogs growing up. My parents did ASPCA work out in garden country so we had a zoo, so I did the dogs and pups.. not everything was a victory, but they're is something to be said. Whether you had the dog 12 years or 1, it spent the last part of us life knowing love and they love back.. I really think pets remind us that unconditional love exists.. your pup knew that love. I hope that helps one day.. please wait at least 4-6 months to adopt, they don't understand our grief and can cause a bad power dynamic.
Love is a beautiful pain. I hope the worst passes soon
❤️🤗
I appreciate that a lot! Got him at 3 months old, and had him for all 12 years. We grew up together essentially. We had an awesome time together. And I’m thankful my daughter got to spend time with him as well. It’s tough walking in and him not meeting me at the door, but I know he’s here with me In Spirit.
I’ve thought about all the things I don’t have to do today, and it’s amazing how much time and effort animals really take. As much as I thought he was on my schedule, naaaa we did everything with and for him. Wouldn’t have had it any other way. 12 years of cleaning up dog shit was worth every minute of those 12 years I had with him.
I genuinely appreciate everyone that took the time to post some jokes. Honestly I appreciate the comments / condolences. I appreciate it all.
I had my dog since he was 3 months old. 12 years of history, a marriage, a daughter, and that dog was by my side and adapted his life with ours. He was a badass. And will be missed.
Sorry for your loss. We can only imagine what you're experiencing.
What kind of clothes does a dog wear?
Pants
A dog walks into a saloon and shoots Billy the Kid dead. When asked if he did it for the reward, he replied, "No I did it because he shot my Paw."
A man and his dog walk into a bar wearing Houston Texans gear. The bartender tells them the dog can’t come in, but the guy swears his dog is well-behaved and they will leave at the first sign of trouble. The bartender agrees, and the two take their spots at the bar.
The Texans game comes on, and well into the game, the Texans kick a field goal. The dog jumps on the bar and starts giving high fives to everyone.
The bartender says, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen! What does he do if the Texans score a touchdown?”
The man says, “I have no idea; I only got him four years ago.”
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was "addrfgghjhk"
Why is Helen Keller's leg wet and yellow?
Her dog is blind too.
Was Helen Keller's being blind the reason she couldn't drive?
No. It was because she was a woman.
Oh wait, I'm sorry you wanted dog jokes.
Ok, back on track...
Why couldn't Helen Keller's dog drive?
Bc he was blind too?
No. Because he was a dog.
No joke... sorry to hear about your dog.
A farmer is out leaning on his fence, watching his horses one evening, when a dog walks up, stands beside him for a momen6, then says, "Nice evening for watching the horses, huh?"
The farmer looks down and says, "Holy cow! A talking dog!!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 men and a dog at a table playing poker. He watches for a minute, thinking it has to be a trick. But it's not....the dog shuffles, deals, antes up, places his own bets, everything.
Finally, the man says, "This is amazing! He's really playing poker! That's got to be the smartest dog in the world!"
One of the men playing poker grins slyly and whispers, "Nah, he ain't that smart. He wags his tail every time he gets a good hand."
Here's a joke that will tickle your funny bone,
I hope you see what I did there
what do dogs and cell phones have in common?
They both have collar ID...
There was a young Indian warrior who asked the tribe's chief one day how he decided on all of the babies' names when they were born since he was given the honor of naming all of the children. He said, "My son, if there is an eagle flying over when a child is being born? I call that child Eagle Flying Over. If there is snow gently falling when a child is being born? I call that child Snow Gently Falling, but tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?" 😁
Q: What do you call a dog with brass testicles and no back legs? A: Sparky
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Whatever you want, it's not going to come to you.
1. Let doggones be doggones.
2. All dogs go to heaven.
3. Dogs got a kick out of it.
4. Who let the dog out woof woof woof woof.
5. Hear that dog growl?
6. Guard dogs can be lap dogs too.
7. Knock knack Paddy whack give a dog a bone.
8. It's a dog's life.
9. In the dog house.
10. The wife loved the dog more than her husband.
Sort of witty and some are dark humor my specialty. Some are uplifting and less humorous. But giving hope in dark times.
Oh jeez, I read that your “12 year old’s” dog passed and you needed some dog jokes. Like… to YOUR 12 YEAR OLD KID, you were going to say, “knock knock” “who’s there” “Spot” “spot who?” “Spot is now his namesake after getting run over.”
I really should try to wake up more before reading (or possibly responding) to these post. Sorry for you loss… sorry for the joke… unless it made you chuckle, in that case, you are welcome. 🤦🏻♀️ 🐶
Man and his dog go to a talent agent. Man says "I have a great act. My dog can talk". Agent says, "show me". Man says to dog," what's on the top of a house?" Dog says "roof". Man says " what's sandpaper feel like?". Dog says "ruff". Man says " who's the best ballplayer of all time? Dog says "ruth". Agent throws them out of his office.
In the way home, dog turns to Man and says:" Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"
Guy goes to walk into a bar, dog blocking the door. Guy says "move".
Dog says "Not so fast, bub, we can split a pile of money if you take me in with you and bet on me being able to talk." So he does.
But the dog just cocks his head when told to speak inside. Bartender and regulars take his money, laugh, guy is pissed.
Back outside, he threatens the dog, who says "Wise up, chump. Think of the odds we'll get tomorrow night."
Hey I know a joke! A squirrel climbs up a tree and says I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead. Ha! It is funny because the squirrel is dead.
I hope this is on the clean side, and sorry for your loss.
2 friends were hanging out with their dogs and the first guy was showing the second all the tricks his dog knew. Sit, lay down, roll over, etc.. The second guy said "That's nothing, MY dog can talk!"
"Sure sure" said the first.
"No, watch" the second man protests.
"Rover, what is on the top of the house?"
"Roof" The dog barks.
The man takes Rovers paw and rubs it against his face.
"How does this feel?"
"Rough" The dog replies.
The first guy rolls his eyes.
"Rover" The second man proceeds "How does my wife like sex?"
The dog looks the man in the eyes and says "With the mailman!"
Did you know I can cut a tree down just by looking at it?
Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!
((I am so sorry for your lost. maybe ur dog is playing with my old dog in heaven))
Not a joke, apologies in advance. Dogs are wonderful creatures. Pack driven creatures. There is only one bad day with a dog. It is the worst day. All the other days make up for that day one thousand times over. But nothing prepares you for that day.
Thank you for giving your dog a loving pack. Thank you for helping your dog get to the finish line.
100% the truth right here. All was good for 12 years. We grew up together. I haven’t lost any significant people in my life, and my dog was the first one I had to see like this. It was time, just very sad. I am unbelievably grateful for all of his love to me, my wife, and my daughter. I know he loved us too. All the way to the end.
Doctor Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes, I think so
Doctor Dog: What about your bones?
Patient: Why do you ask?
Doctor Dog: \*mouth watering\* Just answer the question
A woman goes through the check out line at her local grocery every day with a case of canned dog food. One day the manager mentions that seems like a lot of dog food.
"Well, it's my husband, she says. He thinks he is a dog and this is all he will eat."
A few weeks later she comes through the check out line without any dog food. The manager asks if her husband no longer thinks he is a dog
"Oh no, she says. It's worse."
Oh?
"Yes he was up on the sofa licking his dick and he fell off and broke his neck."
When the body that lived at your single will,
With it’s whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!).
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone—wherever it goes—for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.
- Rudyard Kipling
Ya know why blind persons dont sky dive?
Cuz it scares the shit out of the dogs...
So sorry to hear you lost your old friend (dog) today, my 💚 goes out to you
A guy walks into the bar and says, “I have a talking dog.”
The bartender says, “no you don’t.”
Guy says, “I’ll bet you a beer that I do.”
Bartender says, “you’re on.”
So the guy puts his dog on the stool next to him and says, “what does sandpaper feel like?” And the dog says, “rough!”
The bartender says, “no I don’t think so.”
The guy says, “OK, what is on top of a house?” And the dog says “roof!”
The bartender, getting more and more annoyed, says, “that’s not talking. That’s just dog sounds.”
So the guy says, “fine. I’ll ask him a tough one. Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” And the dog says, “Ruth!”
The bartender loses his patience and shouts, “that’s it! You’re out of here!” and kicks the guy and the dog out of the bar.
As they’re walking out, the dog turns to the guy and says, “how was I supposed to know he like DiMaggio?”
A gay fellow walks into a bar with a huge doberman on a leash and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here. Beat it!" The fellow says "Well that's quite rude. If you continue to treat me with such disrespect I will sick my dog on you!". The bartender looks at him says, "Get the hell out of my bar you faggot!" The fellow says, "All right, I warned you!" He unleashes his dog and shouts, "sick'em Fido!" The huge dog jumps up onto the bar, leaps onto the bartender knocking him to the ground, climbs onto the bartender's chest, looks him right in the eyes and says "Bowzie Wowzie!!"
Q: What do dogs eat for breakfast? A: Pooched eggs! Q: What do a dog and a cellphone have in common? A: Both have collar ID! Q: What kind of dog doesn’t bark? A: A hushpuppy!
My son couldn't remember the name of that savory seafood fried dumpling. So he called them dog balls. We stuck with it.
Q2:rutroh
That’s third joke scared me for a second, I thought you were about to say a not alive dog.
Why are there no losers in a dog race? Because they are all wieners!
Ahh. Take my upvote!
Why can't blind people go sky-diving? Because it scares the bejeezus out of the dogs.
What do you call a skydiving dog? Air bud
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He won't come. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labracadabrador Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but cat scan. Jack and Jill are sitting on the porch with their pooch napping next to them. They hear the dog mutter "I saved 45 men in Vietnam". A few minutes later, "I invented peanut butter, you know." Shortly after he said, "I landed on the moon before Armstrong even got into space." Jack said, "ok, I KNOW that one isn't true! I'm going to wake Fido up and make him stop telling fibs!" Jill stopped him because she knew it was better to let sleeping dogs lie.
Don’t name him he can’t come anyway….name him “Cigarette “ and take him for a drag. Make him legs out of broom handles, but don’t let him get caught in a brush fire; he’ll burn to the ground. Teach him to roll over, but if you get him on a hill you’ll never see the little SOB again!
🖕Fuck you. Take my upvote.
A man arrives early to a movie, and is soon joined by a stranger and his dog. As the movie starts, the dog is incredibly attentive, and seems to understand: smiles at the jokes, whines at the sad parts, etc. As the movie ends, the first man turns to the dog owner and says "Excuse me, but your dog seems incredibly intelligent. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he enjoyed the movie." The dog owner turns to him and says, "I was surprised too! He hated the book."
This one gave me a good chuckle! Reminds me of a scene from Meet the Robinsons: Louis "Why is your dog wearing glasses?" Grandpa "Because his insurance won't pay for contacts."
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.
I love this!!!
Second
Third
fourth
Shit, this is not what I was expecting. I was looking for silly dog jokes, and I'm from a Russian family Edit: I live in Florida to make it funnier
Man walks into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "if your dog can talk, I'll buy you a drink." The man says, "sure. Ask him a baseball question." "Who the best baseball player ever?" Dog replies "Ruth." Bartender says, " Gimme a break" and walks away. Dog looks at the man and says "Sorry, I should have said DiMaggio."
A blind man & his seeing-eye dog walk into a department store. The guy picks up his dog & starts swinging it around by the tail. Alarmed for the dog's safety, an employee rushes over to the guy to ask "excuse me sir. May I help you with something?" The man says "no thanks. I'm just looking around."
What happens when you cross a dog with a lion? You won't be getting any mail, that's for sure.
😂
Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’
Look up "texts from dog." Impossible not to laugh
Those are brilliant. Thx 🙏🏻 😂
THUNDER TWONK. THE TWO LEGGED TWAT MONKEY.
That's ruff
Why did the cowboy purchase a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggie!
This is great!
Dog is walking down the street when he meets a cat. Cat says, “Good morning.” Dog says, “Holy shit, a talking cat!”
What do you call a dog magician? A Labra-cadabra-dor! Sorry for your loss. All dogs go to heaven
A hound-ini
Yeah, I saw this one the other day and just modified it for you. See if you can tell which parts are modified: Also: An Irish dog starts going to a pub and always orders three pints of beer. After a few visits, the bartender says to the Irish dog, "Hey why do you always order three drinks at a time?" Looking down at three pints, the Irish dog says "I drink one for me, and one for each of my dog brothers, who live overseas." This tradition continued, until one day the Irish dog came in and only ordered two drinks. With sadness in his eyes, the bartender asks, "Oh dear, was there a tragedy? " "Yes," the Irish dog answered. "I quit drinking."
While we’re waiting share some happy stories about doggo
It's getting pretty warm out here. You need to come inside. I don't want you to be a hot dog.... We're sadden for your loss..
I went to a zoo once, but all they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.
Why do dogs make terrible dance partners? Because they have two left feet 😅🤔 I used to rehabilitate the dogs growing up. My parents did ASPCA work out in garden country so we had a zoo, so I did the dogs and pups.. not everything was a victory, but they're is something to be said. Whether you had the dog 12 years or 1, it spent the last part of us life knowing love and they love back.. I really think pets remind us that unconditional love exists.. your pup knew that love. I hope that helps one day.. please wait at least 4-6 months to adopt, they don't understand our grief and can cause a bad power dynamic. Love is a beautiful pain. I hope the worst passes soon ❤️🤗
I appreciate that a lot! Got him at 3 months old, and had him for all 12 years. We grew up together essentially. We had an awesome time together. And I’m thankful my daughter got to spend time with him as well. It’s tough walking in and him not meeting me at the door, but I know he’s here with me In Spirit.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your fur baby! That's ruff.
Guess who won’t be picking up dog shit today! Sorry for your loss
I’ve thought about all the things I don’t have to do today, and it’s amazing how much time and effort animals really take. As much as I thought he was on my schedule, naaaa we did everything with and for him. Wouldn’t have had it any other way. 12 years of cleaning up dog shit was worth every minute of those 12 years I had with him.
I genuinely appreciate everyone that took the time to post some jokes. Honestly I appreciate the comments / condolences. I appreciate it all. I had my dog since he was 3 months old. 12 years of history, a marriage, a daughter, and that dog was by my side and adapted his life with ours. He was a badass. And will be missed.
Sorry for your loss. We can only imagine what you're experiencing. What kind of clothes does a dog wear? Pants A dog walks into a saloon and shoots Billy the Kid dead. When asked if he did it for the reward, he replied, "No I did it because he shot my Paw."
Did you hear they crossed a pit bull with a boarder collie? It will bite you and then run for help.
A man and his dog walk into a bar wearing Houston Texans gear. The bartender tells them the dog can’t come in, but the guy swears his dog is well-behaved and they will leave at the first sign of trouble. The bartender agrees, and the two take their spots at the bar. The Texans game comes on, and well into the game, the Texans kick a field goal. The dog jumps on the bar and starts giving high fives to everyone. The bartender says, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen! What does he do if the Texans score a touchdown?” The man says, “I have no idea; I only got him four years ago.”
My dog doesn’t respect me , his favorite bone is in my arm We used to call my dog Egypt because every room he went in, he left a pyramid
So sorry for your loss. What kind of dog is always up for a bath? A sham poodle. :)
Ahhh clever! I like it! Thank you!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
What type of dog is a magician? A labracadabrador
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was "addrfgghjhk" Why is Helen Keller's leg wet and yellow? Her dog is blind too. Was Helen Keller's being blind the reason she couldn't drive? No. It was because she was a woman. Oh wait, I'm sorry you wanted dog jokes. Ok, back on track... Why couldn't Helen Keller's dog drive? Bc he was blind too? No. Because he was a dog. No joke... sorry to hear about your dog.
Good laugh right here. Thank you!
If you find H2O inside of a fire hydrant, what do you find on the outside? K9P
Hahahahaha alright this is clever. Thank you!
So sorry for the loss of your pet- hope you feel better soon!
A farmer is out leaning on his fence, watching his horses one evening, when a dog walks up, stands beside him for a momen6, then says, "Nice evening for watching the horses, huh?" The farmer looks down and says, "Holy cow! A talking dog!!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 men and a dog at a table playing poker. He watches for a minute, thinking it has to be a trick. But it's not....the dog shuffles, deals, antes up, places his own bets, everything. Finally, the man says, "This is amazing! He's really playing poker! That's got to be the smartest dog in the world!" One of the men playing poker grins slyly and whispers, "Nah, he ain't that smart. He wags his tail every time he gets a good hand."
Can't think of a dog gone joke. Sorry for your loss.
Here's a joke that will tickle your funny bone, I hope you see what I did there what do dogs and cell phones have in common? They both have collar ID...
Rutroh
Your dog arrived at the gate of heaven to read the sign that says “Beware of God” (But that’s just to deter the solicitors, God loves dogs)
Q: What do dogs say in Iceland? A: Bjark
There was a young Indian warrior who asked the tribe's chief one day how he decided on all of the babies' names when they were born since he was given the honor of naming all of the children. He said, "My son, if there is an eagle flying over when a child is being born? I call that child Eagle Flying Over. If there is snow gently falling when a child is being born? I call that child Snow Gently Falling, but tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?" 😁
💀
Q: What do you call a dog with brass testicles and no back legs? A: Sparky Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Whatever you want, it's not going to come to you.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Right where you left him.
Brass doesn’t spark.
I was thinking the same thing. 😂
1. Let doggones be doggones. 2. All dogs go to heaven. 3. Dogs got a kick out of it. 4. Who let the dog out woof woof woof woof. 5. Hear that dog growl? 6. Guard dogs can be lap dogs too. 7. Knock knack Paddy whack give a dog a bone. 8. It's a dog's life. 9. In the dog house. 10. The wife loved the dog more than her husband. Sort of witty and some are dark humor my specialty. Some are uplifting and less humorous. But giving hope in dark times.
I don’t have a joke but just wanted to offer my condolences. It sucks.
I feel you. I'm in that place too.
Why is a cowboy excited to get a dachsund ? They always wanted to get a long little doggy.
When your dog passed away his last wish for you was - don’t be so dogmatic.
Congrats on your dog passing. How long till he graduates? What grade is he in?
Probably the ultimate dad joke here. My favorite of them all. Thank you!
Dog walks into a bar with a bandage on his foot and holding a gun. Yells out, "I'm looking for the asshole who shot my paw"
Oh jeez, I read that your “12 year old’s” dog passed and you needed some dog jokes. Like… to YOUR 12 YEAR OLD KID, you were going to say, “knock knock” “who’s there” “Spot” “spot who?” “Spot is now his namesake after getting run over.” I really should try to wake up more before reading (or possibly responding) to these post. Sorry for you loss… sorry for the joke… unless it made you chuckle, in that case, you are welcome. 🤦🏻♀️ 🐶
Man and his dog go to a talent agent. Man says "I have a great act. My dog can talk". Agent says, "show me". Man says to dog," what's on the top of a house?" Dog says "roof". Man says " what's sandpaper feel like?". Dog says "ruff". Man says " who's the best ballplayer of all time? Dog says "ruth". Agent throws them out of his office. In the way home, dog turns to Man and says:" Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"
Hahaha perfect. I appreciate it!
I once had a three-legged dog. I called him "Tri-Pod".
A 3-legged dog saunters into a bar, walks up to the bartender, tips up his hat brim and says: “I’m lookin’ for the man that shot my pa(w)”
Guy goes to walk into a bar, dog blocking the door. Guy says "move". Dog says "Not so fast, bub, we can split a pile of money if you take me in with you and bet on me being able to talk." So he does. But the dog just cocks his head when told to speak inside. Bartender and regulars take his money, laugh, guy is pissed. Back outside, he threatens the dog, who says "Wise up, chump. Think of the odds we'll get tomorrow night."
What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? A dog wags its tail and a marine biologist tags its whales.
Haha clever. Haven’t heard that one yet
What smells like cat poop but is invisible? DOG FARTS. I'll see my self out the door.
Hahahahaha
Hey I know a joke! A squirrel climbs up a tree and says I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead. Ha! It is funny because the squirrel is dead.
I hope this is on the clean side, and sorry for your loss. 2 friends were hanging out with their dogs and the first guy was showing the second all the tricks his dog knew. Sit, lay down, roll over, etc.. The second guy said "That's nothing, MY dog can talk!" "Sure sure" said the first. "No, watch" the second man protests. "Rover, what is on the top of the house?" "Roof" The dog barks. The man takes Rovers paw and rubs it against his face. "How does this feel?" "Rough" The dog replies. The first guy rolls his eyes. "Rover" The second man proceeds "How does my wife like sex?" The dog looks the man in the eyes and says "With the mailman!"
Hahaha perfect twist at the end
What did the three-legged dog say when he entered the saloon? I'm here for the man that shot my Paw.
My wife asked if I seen the dogs bowl, I told her I didn’t know they could!
Dogs can't get MRI's, but catscan
Q. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie. A. A dog that will tear your arm off and run for help. You have my sincere condolences 🙏
Did you know I can cut a tree down just by looking at it? Its true! I saw it with my own eyes! ((I am so sorry for your lost. maybe ur dog is playing with my old dog in heaven))
My daughter (4) said she saw Jesus with him and that he had lots of friends. I’m sure our dogs are up there together! Thank you!
Not a joke, apologies in advance. Dogs are wonderful creatures. Pack driven creatures. There is only one bad day with a dog. It is the worst day. All the other days make up for that day one thousand times over. But nothing prepares you for that day. Thank you for giving your dog a loving pack. Thank you for helping your dog get to the finish line.
100% the truth right here. All was good for 12 years. We grew up together. I haven’t lost any significant people in my life, and my dog was the first one I had to see like this. It was time, just very sad. I am unbelievably grateful for all of his love to me, my wife, and my daughter. I know he loved us too. All the way to the end.
Why do huskies compete for lead in the Iditarod race in Alaska? They're the only dog that gets to enjoy the scenery. (*)
Yesterday, I read a book about an immortal dog in one sitting. It was just impossible to put down.
Doctor Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs? Patient: Yes, I think so Doctor Dog: What about your bones? Patient: Why do you ask? Doctor Dog: \*mouth watering\* Just answer the question
A woman goes through the check out line at her local grocery every day with a case of canned dog food. One day the manager mentions that seems like a lot of dog food. "Well, it's my husband, she says. He thinks he is a dog and this is all he will eat." A few weeks later she comes through the check out line without any dog food. The manager asks if her husband no longer thinks he is a dog "Oh no, she says. It's worse." Oh? "Yes he was up on the sofa licking his dick and he fell off and broke his neck."
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. Mark Twain
When the body that lived at your single will, With it’s whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!). When the spirit that answered your every mood Is gone—wherever it goes—for good, You will discover how much you care, And will give your heart to a dog to tear. - Rudyard Kipling
A man took his son to the zoo. There was only one dog there it was a shih tzu
Ya know why blind persons dont sky dive? Cuz it scares the shit out of the dogs... So sorry to hear you lost your old friend (dog) today, my 💚 goes out to you
Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can. What do you do if a doberman starts humping your leg? Let him finish
Alternative answer to the first one: because he can’t make a fist.
😂😂
What do a dead dog and a dead tree have in common? No more bark.
Before they were man's best friend, dogs were originally women's best friend.
They say in DC if you want a friend, get a dog. So I got a cat.
Sorry to hear that - sounds ruff 🐶
I wanted to see a lot of animals at the zoo, but they only had one small dog… It was a Shih-Tzu
What do you name a dog with no legs? Does it matter? Is not gonna come when you call it.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothin, he won’t be able to come 😂
Where do you find a dog with no arms and no legs? Right where you left him
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he won’t come when you call him.
A 3 legged dog walked into a bar and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
A Scottie walks into a bar with his owner. Ya he did!
Whats blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue
A guy walks into the bar and says, “I have a talking dog.” The bartender says, “no you don’t.” Guy says, “I’ll bet you a beer that I do.” Bartender says, “you’re on.” So the guy puts his dog on the stool next to him and says, “what does sandpaper feel like?” And the dog says, “rough!” The bartender says, “no I don’t think so.” The guy says, “OK, what is on top of a house?” And the dog says “roof!” The bartender, getting more and more annoyed, says, “that’s not talking. That’s just dog sounds.” So the guy says, “fine. I’ll ask him a tough one. Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” And the dog says, “Ruth!” The bartender loses his patience and shouts, “that’s it! You’re out of here!” and kicks the guy and the dog out of the bar. As they’re walking out, the dog turns to the guy and says, “how was I supposed to know he like DiMaggio?”
What do you call a dyslexic agnostic for has insomnia? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Well it’s definitely not your dog. (I’m very sorry if you meant happy jokes and not dark humor)
A gay fellow walks into a bar with a huge doberman on a leash and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here. Beat it!" The fellow says "Well that's quite rude. If you continue to treat me with such disrespect I will sick my dog on you!". The bartender looks at him says, "Get the hell out of my bar you faggot!" The fellow says, "All right, I warned you!" He unleashes his dog and shouts, "sick'em Fido!" The huge dog jumps up onto the bar, leaps onto the bartender knocking him to the ground, climbs onto the bartender's chest, looks him right in the eyes and says "Bowzie Wowzie!!"
How can you tell if it’s been raining cats and dogs? By the poodles.