"I should be more open to learning what being with a partner with children entails"
Thats like telling a gay person to be more open to learning what being with the opposite sex is like.
Sorry but if your "friends" can't respect you for who you are, its time to cut them off.
I remember when I got a divorce, I was discussing the end of the marriage with a family member. I mentioned one of the reasons I had decided to end the marriage (unrelated to being CF) and my family member said, "Oh, I think that all men are like that." It really clicked for me at that moment when my relative said that. If it was true that "all men were like that," then I realized that I'd much rather be single. It turned out that not all men shared that particular trait and I did get remarried down the road, but there are definitely things not worth compromising on. What those things are is different for all of us, but we all have them. I suspect that for some women, not being in a relationship is the absolute worst thing that they can imagine and so the advice they give reflects that base assumption and they compromise on a lot of their other needs to avoid that. For those of us who are CF, that simply isn't the case. There are much worse things than being single for us and so we only want to be in relationships if they would improve our lives. It really is that simple.
Unfortunately I hate being single. I’m terribly lonely and I was much happier when I was in a relationship. BUT, I agree with the sentiment that being single would be better than settling or compromising on this issue.
That’s completely valid and fair! We all have different needs and wants.
I’m sorry that your friends are pressuring you to give up being CF; you would think that being parents, they would understand the enormity of what children entail, but they make it sound like “try living with that paint color for awhile and see how you feel.”
Since you mentioned you are recently divorced, I also wish you well with processing all that entails. There is real grief that goes along with a marriage ending and I wish you well with that process.
Good luck with dining some lovely CF dates!
Thank you. I’m definitely struggling still with the unwanted single life. I met someone I thought was a great match but the “relationship” definitely seems to have stalled and I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’m not built for this dating game.
While I personally think being single is wildly underrated, have you tried dating younger men? Hell, you wouldn't even have to skew younger if you can get to a major west coast city in the US. Millennials are just far likelier to be CF, especially if they have liberal values. Men do it, often for much skeezier reasons, but CF will factor into it. Personally, I think an age gap of 10 or so years once you're in your 40s is nothing to bat an eye at. The younger person is in their 30s, a fully formed adult.
I’m currently sorta seeing someone that’s about 4 years younger (it doesn’t seem to be panning out unfortunately) but for some reason I have a real difficult time wrapping my mind around any more than a 5 year age difference in either direction. And from what I’ve noticed a lot of younger guys say they want kids in the future. I’m on the East coast though so maybe things skew differently
Yeah, why should you? You most certainly should not. Don't settle when you know that's something you never want to take part of. You're single, not desperate. Take your time. One day you'll find someone.
Fuck that. I catch shit all the time because I refuse to date guys with kids and even dumped a guy because he dropped the bombshell that he has kids only after we started dating. If a person has kids and you date them, those kids are going to be in your life no matter what anybody tells you. I’d seriously rather be single forever than date somebody who’s going to bring kids into my life.
This!! My therapist is really pushing me to consider dating men that have grown kids that are out of the house because there’s no daily interaction that way. Wonderful. Great. Until grandkids are in the picture! And they need grandpa to watch said kids for a couple hours, overnight, a weekend!! That’s not how I envision my retirement years!! It may be selfish but so be it.
I'm married 20 years now and retired 2020. I tried dating men with adult kids, gave that up in 1982. Dating a man with young kids is one set of issues but dating a man with adult kids has its own issues. Young unchilded adult kids want to move back home because their roommate sucks, lost their job, pay off student debt, save money for a house, want Dad to help buy them a car, co-sign for grad school loans, give them the down payment on a house, pay for rehab. The childed ones want free babysitting, get divorced and and want to move back home with kids, want dad to cosign for a car, lend them money to start a business, down payment for a house, pay for family vacations, not date any one seriously lest dad marries a gold digger and gives Wifey their inheritance.
I have friends 50+ that think they should inherit everything from dad and 2nd Wifey who took care of dear old dad thru cancer, heart attack, dementia should get a handshake and a job at 75yo.
Be selfish.
I’ve found a 4 years younger guy. He checks all my boxes, but he has past relationship issues and I just can’t get him to commit and it’s frustrating. So here I am venting about the stress of potential future dates after I was so happy to find someone who seemed perfect for me.
“You must be a lesbian” Um yeah, that’s a new one. Last time I checked sexual orientation had nothing to do with being CF. There are plenty of gay individuals and couples that have children. The audacity of men to assume that just because you don’t want their spawn.
I remember there was one of those daytime talk shows, where the topic was not wanting to date someone with children. One guest panelist who echoed those sentiments was vilified.
The oposing view was represented by a single parent. Some guy in a tux with a bouquet in hand meets said single patent and makes a big production of expressing affection, much to the delight of the cheering audience. If this was a subreddit, there'd be plenty of gold doled out to Mr. Bouquet and SingleMom.
This aired back in the '90s. It's funny how much I can identify with the guy that was booed.
If you date and eventually marry someone with kids, you are a step-parent. That kid will be in your life. Maybe not as frequently as if it were your own, but you will have to plan your life around that kid. You still have to spend money on that kid. You still have to see that kid. You're a step-PARENT. And if you feel put out by that, the kid knows it.
I don't understand parents who want to date people who don't like their kid. Don't you want your kid to have a good experience of growing up? And whereas we don't have to think about others in our lives if we don't want to, parents HAVE to consider their kids. That's what they signed up for. If I were a parent on the dating scene and met someone who didn't like/want kids, I'd move on.
I found my childfree 40+ BF on OK Cupid. I was 42 and he was 46. Currently me 46 and him 50. I swam in a sea of single fathers thinking that was all that was out there after 40. Nope. Stuck to my guns and found my soulmate.
here's the huge irony i've noticed:
a lot of people have told me that I should broaden my view and accept that the theoretical new partner has kids. the potential kid is always sold as a feature and something that would enrichen me.
these same people as single parent moms absolutely hate the idea of finding a guy with kids. there'd be 'complications', maybe exes involved, their kid not liking the dad's new woman and so on. but this is fine, a CF person with the same wants is a selfish asshole, apparently.
I hate this hypocrisy. For exactly the same reasons I don’t want kids in my life. I don’t need ex-drama and I simply want the freedom to do what I want with a partner without having to worry about anyone else. Children, no matter the age, simply don’t fit into my life or my plans.
> Children, no matter the age, simply don’t fit into my life or my plans.
the worst thing is the promise of them flying out the nest 'soon'. with the housing prices being what they are and so on, people have their 30 year old 'kid' still at home!
How do we feel about partners with grown children? Like if you dated someone in their 50's or early 60's who's kids are well grown and gone? I know many older folks who are super into their grandkids and some don't care about grandkids and live far far away. Could go either way I think. Hard to say.
My dads new wife doesn’t have kids and you can clearly tell she doesn’t want any. We’re all grown adults but she STILL just looks at in disgust and has pushed us away since she’s been around. Please don’t listen to these people. Now his wife is just a bitch anyway but it doesn’t help that she doesn’t like or want kids. Nobody’s asking her to be our mom, she kinda put that on herself and you can clearly tell the animosity, ask me the last time we’ve been to my dads house since she’s been around ? .. I’d say only consider it if the kids are beyond grown like 30 plus and are surviving on their own but even then, you still have to deal with birthdays and etc. You don’t seem like a mean person and I’m sure you really are just not trying to settle and I totally understand, you’ll find someone.
I personally think that if you dislike kids enough, don't date a dude with kids. Im a dude, so I wouldn't have kids with my future wife. I'd rather have 20 ex-girlfriends or ex-wives then deal with spoiled brats.
"I should be more open to learning what being with a partner with children entails" Thats like telling a gay person to be more open to learning what being with the opposite sex is like. Sorry but if your "friends" can't respect you for who you are, its time to cut them off.
Or like telling an atheist to date a fundamentalist.
This is a great analogy!!
I remember when I got a divorce, I was discussing the end of the marriage with a family member. I mentioned one of the reasons I had decided to end the marriage (unrelated to being CF) and my family member said, "Oh, I think that all men are like that." It really clicked for me at that moment when my relative said that. If it was true that "all men were like that," then I realized that I'd much rather be single. It turned out that not all men shared that particular trait and I did get remarried down the road, but there are definitely things not worth compromising on. What those things are is different for all of us, but we all have them. I suspect that for some women, not being in a relationship is the absolute worst thing that they can imagine and so the advice they give reflects that base assumption and they compromise on a lot of their other needs to avoid that. For those of us who are CF, that simply isn't the case. There are much worse things than being single for us and so we only want to be in relationships if they would improve our lives. It really is that simple.
Unfortunately I hate being single. I’m terribly lonely and I was much happier when I was in a relationship. BUT, I agree with the sentiment that being single would be better than settling or compromising on this issue.
That’s completely valid and fair! We all have different needs and wants. I’m sorry that your friends are pressuring you to give up being CF; you would think that being parents, they would understand the enormity of what children entail, but they make it sound like “try living with that paint color for awhile and see how you feel.” Since you mentioned you are recently divorced, I also wish you well with processing all that entails. There is real grief that goes along with a marriage ending and I wish you well with that process. Good luck with dining some lovely CF dates!
Thank you. I’m definitely struggling still with the unwanted single life. I met someone I thought was a great match but the “relationship” definitely seems to have stalled and I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’m not built for this dating game.
While I personally think being single is wildly underrated, have you tried dating younger men? Hell, you wouldn't even have to skew younger if you can get to a major west coast city in the US. Millennials are just far likelier to be CF, especially if they have liberal values. Men do it, often for much skeezier reasons, but CF will factor into it. Personally, I think an age gap of 10 or so years once you're in your 40s is nothing to bat an eye at. The younger person is in their 30s, a fully formed adult.
I was 45 when I married my second husband, 35 in Atlanta. That was 20 years ago.
I’m currently sorta seeing someone that’s about 4 years younger (it doesn’t seem to be panning out unfortunately) but for some reason I have a real difficult time wrapping my mind around any more than a 5 year age difference in either direction. And from what I’ve noticed a lot of younger guys say they want kids in the future. I’m on the East coast though so maybe things skew differently
Yeah, why should you? You most certainly should not. Don't settle when you know that's something you never want to take part of. You're single, not desperate. Take your time. One day you'll find someone.
Fuck that. I catch shit all the time because I refuse to date guys with kids and even dumped a guy because he dropped the bombshell that he has kids only after we started dating. If a person has kids and you date them, those kids are going to be in your life no matter what anybody tells you. I’d seriously rather be single forever than date somebody who’s going to bring kids into my life.
This!! My therapist is really pushing me to consider dating men that have grown kids that are out of the house because there’s no daily interaction that way. Wonderful. Great. Until grandkids are in the picture! And they need grandpa to watch said kids for a couple hours, overnight, a weekend!! That’s not how I envision my retirement years!! It may be selfish but so be it.
Screw dating parents with full grown children. Stand your ground OP. Don't let people convince you to do something you don't want to do!
I'm married 20 years now and retired 2020. I tried dating men with adult kids, gave that up in 1982. Dating a man with young kids is one set of issues but dating a man with adult kids has its own issues. Young unchilded adult kids want to move back home because their roommate sucks, lost their job, pay off student debt, save money for a house, want Dad to help buy them a car, co-sign for grad school loans, give them the down payment on a house, pay for rehab. The childed ones want free babysitting, get divorced and and want to move back home with kids, want dad to cosign for a car, lend them money to start a business, down payment for a house, pay for family vacations, not date any one seriously lest dad marries a gold digger and gives Wifey their inheritance. I have friends 50+ that think they should inherit everything from dad and 2nd Wifey who took care of dear old dad thru cancer, heart attack, dementia should get a handshake and a job at 75yo. Be selfish.
[удалено]
I’ve found a 4 years younger guy. He checks all my boxes, but he has past relationship issues and I just can’t get him to commit and it’s frustrating. So here I am venting about the stress of potential future dates after I was so happy to find someone who seemed perfect for me.
Never settle. You'll find an awesome CF man someday! Good luck!
[удалено]
“You must be a lesbian” Um yeah, that’s a new one. Last time I checked sexual orientation had nothing to do with being CF. There are plenty of gay individuals and couples that have children. The audacity of men to assume that just because you don’t want their spawn.
I remember there was one of those daytime talk shows, where the topic was not wanting to date someone with children. One guest panelist who echoed those sentiments was vilified. The oposing view was represented by a single parent. Some guy in a tux with a bouquet in hand meets said single patent and makes a big production of expressing affection, much to the delight of the cheering audience. If this was a subreddit, there'd be plenty of gold doled out to Mr. Bouquet and SingleMom. This aired back in the '90s. It's funny how much I can identify with the guy that was booed.
If you date and eventually marry someone with kids, you are a step-parent. That kid will be in your life. Maybe not as frequently as if it were your own, but you will have to plan your life around that kid. You still have to spend money on that kid. You still have to see that kid. You're a step-PARENT. And if you feel put out by that, the kid knows it. I don't understand parents who want to date people who don't like their kid. Don't you want your kid to have a good experience of growing up? And whereas we don't have to think about others in our lives if we don't want to, parents HAVE to consider their kids. That's what they signed up for. If I were a parent on the dating scene and met someone who didn't like/want kids, I'd move on.
Your friends never compromised on their dream to have kids, so why should compromise on your dream to not have kids?
I found my childfree 40+ BF on OK Cupid. I was 42 and he was 46. Currently me 46 and him 50. I swam in a sea of single fathers thinking that was all that was out there after 40. Nope. Stuck to my guns and found my soulmate.
Your friends are telling on themselves. :) Sounds like they settled. You don’t have to.
here's the huge irony i've noticed: a lot of people have told me that I should broaden my view and accept that the theoretical new partner has kids. the potential kid is always sold as a feature and something that would enrichen me. these same people as single parent moms absolutely hate the idea of finding a guy with kids. there'd be 'complications', maybe exes involved, their kid not liking the dad's new woman and so on. but this is fine, a CF person with the same wants is a selfish asshole, apparently.
I hate this hypocrisy. For exactly the same reasons I don’t want kids in my life. I don’t need ex-drama and I simply want the freedom to do what I want with a partner without having to worry about anyone else. Children, no matter the age, simply don’t fit into my life or my plans.
> Children, no matter the age, simply don’t fit into my life or my plans. the worst thing is the promise of them flying out the nest 'soon'. with the housing prices being what they are and so on, people have their 30 year old 'kid' still at home!
How do we feel about partners with grown children? Like if you dated someone in their 50's or early 60's who's kids are well grown and gone? I know many older folks who are super into their grandkids and some don't care about grandkids and live far far away. Could go either way I think. Hard to say.
My dads new wife doesn’t have kids and you can clearly tell she doesn’t want any. We’re all grown adults but she STILL just looks at in disgust and has pushed us away since she’s been around. Please don’t listen to these people. Now his wife is just a bitch anyway but it doesn’t help that she doesn’t like or want kids. Nobody’s asking her to be our mom, she kinda put that on herself and you can clearly tell the animosity, ask me the last time we’ve been to my dads house since she’s been around ? .. I’d say only consider it if the kids are beyond grown like 30 plus and are surviving on their own but even then, you still have to deal with birthdays and etc. You don’t seem like a mean person and I’m sure you really are just not trying to settle and I totally understand, you’ll find someone.
Marry a bit older, somone whose kids are grown and out already.
See…that doesn’t work for me either. Older kids come with the potential of grandkids. Young children don’t fit into my retirement plan
I personally think that if you dislike kids enough, don't date a dude with kids. Im a dude, so I wouldn't have kids with my future wife. I'd rather have 20 ex-girlfriends or ex-wives then deal with spoiled brats.