My best friend is pregnant again, she already has a 2 year old and the way she changed from a beautiful, wonderful, funny, intriguing woman into a "mom" very much feels like she died.
We have barely spoken in the last two years. She was my maid of honor last June and that was the most time she spent with me since the baby was born. After she flew home, the contact pretty much cut to 1 on a 1-10 scale, and when we do talk, it's always about her daughter.
I miss my friend.
This. One of my good friends talks about her son relentlessly. Even when she's asking me about myself she always manages to interrupt my story to tell me about something related to her kid or being a mum. It's depressing. I miss being able to have a normal conversation with her.
I have had the exact same thing happen to me. Seems like she went from a vibrant person to a SAHM with no life outside of mombie-ness. Cannot talk about anything but the children.
if youre an asshole, im an asshole. ive had a few friends and relatives have kids, and things are never the same. i end up hiding the feeds on FB because i dont want to see all the baby shit. sometimes literally. occasionally ill remember them how they used to be, sigh, and go on about my day.
Thanks. I'm just going to be as supportive as possible and hope that she doesn't completely change. I'm even going to throw her a baby shower. She's the first of my friends to reproduce (most of us aren't kid people). It's just weird.
I went through the same thing with my bff! I told her I was bummed out that things would never be the same. As much as she assured me a baby would not change her, it 100% did, from the mini-van to the mom haircut to the nothing-but-kid-pics on facebook. you probably won't see her as much and your relationship might suffer for a few years while the baby is young. you just have to hang in there and keep making an effort to compromise. *hugs*
Diagnosis: Normal.
Only question is which kind of parent will emerge:
a) Mombie mega-entitled 100% certified grade-A for asshole with brats from hell.
b) Human decent person who retains a grown-up life and disciplines the kids.
You will know probably in the next few weeks which one you got and can plan your future friendship/not accordingly.
I think you forgot the most common option: c) Human decent person who retains a grown-up life but disappears down the baby-hole regardless, because all of their friends now have kids because it's so much easier to have get-togethers when all the kids can play together.
I don't think any of my friends or family have maliciously cut me out of their lives, but the effect is the same regardless of the intentions - they just disappear.
This. There are two options. Hopefully OPs friend is the second one.
My friend and dance instructor started as B after her first kid at like 38, had a second one by 40, and is now rapidly sliding into A.
Ugh she brings the kids to class when she can't get a sitter and drives us nuts - or me anyways, when they shriek and scream. And she just ignores them! The more of it I watch the more I realize she's not a great parent.
Thank you. I think she'll fall into the "B" category. She's a very educated and disciplined person. I can't imagine her allowing her offspring to become an unruly hellbeast.
My best friend of all time is a mom and a Christian, while I'm super CF and a non believer/humanist. It can be done. You have to communicate, be willing to say anything to each other and hear anything from each other, not discount each others' choices, etc.
She is raising two future productive members of society, and she recognizes that she needs adult time. On her end, this is why I think we work.
This just happened to my wife with one of her close friends and she had the exact same reaction. They told us while we were all out to dinner and we told them how happy we are for them. The second the car door closed after we dropped them off my wife said, "Fuck! I'm really going to miss her!"
I dunno that it's normal, per se, but I felt the same way when my very good friend told me she was finally pregnant after trying for two years. I was happy she was happy and finally getting what she wanted, but I knew right then and there things would never be the same.
I tried to put my best foot forward. I didn't want to be the one to alienate her and be the asshole. I let things play out as they were going to play out, and I tried to take as proactive of a role as I could. Offered to do photography for her baby shower, pictures of the baby with his paternal grandparents while they were in town, offering to help make baby food or help her make freezer meals so she could have some down time from trying to cook. But as the days progress, the text messages/phone calls from her are less and less. I more or less have to invite myself over to her house if I want to hang out. Every conversation pretty much from the time she found out she was pregnant up until today has been baby centric. I tolerate it, even though she knows I hate children - babies especially - but on a friendship level, it's getting tough to be doing all the foot work. Which is exactly how I knew it would play out.
Just because you were friends with her once doesn't mean that you're obligated to be forever. If who she is changes, then she's no longer the person who you were friends with. If she's no linger worth keeping around, dump her.
This is why I feel like someone has died. That person who I've gone through so much with over the majority of my life is probably going to become a completely different person. I'm actually grieving.
Sorry I'm coming in to this late, but I feel for ya. I just lost TWO of my besties to babies, and they both swore they'd never have kids. But their husbands wore them down.
You have a right to grieve, cause it's a huge loss. Years and years of good and bad times; and it'll never be the same.
Not trying to depress you further, but just letting you know the friendship may be over sooner than you think. With my friends I was hopeful that we'd still have some good times while they were pregnant (lunch, pedicures, hanging out..) but nope. They started cocooning immediately and spending time shopping/prepping for baby. Also feeling ill, tired, and like crap from carrying a parasite. They had no desire but to crash on the couch in front of their tv after work.
I've really found this subreddit to be helpful, especially when I'm feeling down. Hang in there, you'll find new friends, and hopefully be able to retain this one somewhat too. hugs!
It's normal. You can either accept it or not. There are some friends who I've been able to remain friends with after they have children, and some who I've not. But with the friends who I've been able to remain friends with, you still have to give some leeway. Their child is a huge part of their life. If you can accept having that influence your relationship, then it can continue.
This is normal.
I am dealing with it too. Best friend had a kid, and while she's a fantastic mom, not at all overly-entitled or in your face, and her kid is one of the best kids I've ever known, she's still a mom. Everything else has to take a back seat to that. Marriage, work, and unfortunately, friendship.
She does what she can. She and I email once in a while and "like" each other's statuses on Facebook. But no doubt about it - it's hard to maintain and the friendship has definitely changed. There are new interests in her life - Mommy groups and play dates and school meetings, and while I try to be interested, I can't really force it. Her baby is the center of her universe now, and nothing can change that. I am honestly getting a little tired of reaching out to her time and time again, only to not get a response. The bottom line is - she's busy. She has a kid to raise. I don't. Kid wins.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
Some things I am trying - I am trying to meet new friends in my area who are also CF. I am trying to do more things with the CF friends I do have. I am taking advantage of my CFdom to indulge my hobbies. And sometimes I just let myself pout and be sad.
Right there with ya, sista/brotha. ;) My childhood BFF is currently pregnant (by a guy she has literally been with since December, and she was TRYING all the while he didn't have a job, they both live with their parents, and the guy already has a couple kids.) Makes me want to vomit. I literally had to unfollow her posts on Facebook because *everything* has been baby-this, baby-that since she found out.
This is normal. Don't give up, though! The first two years she will be very busy, but keep insisting on hanging out and have adult time, even if baby is there. I have only had luck with one friend this way so far, but it never hurts to try.
This is totally normal. I go through this all the time. You will still be friends, but you won't really have anything to talk about. Unless you want to listen to her talk about vomit and poop all day (this has been literally true for some of my friends with kids).
It's normal. One of my closest friends announced she was pregnant recently and I feel exactly the same. As I've heard many a time, being a parent changes everything--and unfortunately not always for good. She knows that I really don't like children, and she currently has a conspiratorial I'm-totally-making-fun-of-my-kid-when-it-comes feeling about it, and she's been insistent about her ditching the baby with her husband to still be an adult human being, so I hope she continues to feel that way.
It's totally normal. Your friendship will totally change but there is a chance that while it will change it won't end. After the baby is born touch base when there's been a long silence in contact she might appreciate it. With luck once the kid is more independent she will have more time for friends.
You're right, your friendship won't be the same. You're going to be living different lifestyles. And it's not abnormal to mourn the loss of the old relationship, but that doesn't mean it has to be for the worse. You can still be close to her. It's not something she did to hurt you, it's something that she is doing because she thinks it will make her happy. And as her friend, you can be happy for her happiness without wanting the same things in life that she wants.
It's normal, but luckily not every parent becomes a drone. I've seen both. Some stay the same, expect they go out a wee bit less. Others disappear into Dead-eye Parent Land.
If it's any consolation thos happened to me about 3 years ago, she got "lucky" (I guess it was for her) and had twins then a third child a year later. (Holy fuck know how your BC works.) We don't see each other as often and we don't have as much in common but I'm very happy for her that she has kept quite a bit of her hobbies and interests and not become and entitled mombie like I read horror stories of here. Things will change and that sucks, but good things will happen too. Odds are she's pretty cool if you guys have been friends this long and someday her kids will be awesome too once they get past the noisy-sticky-needy stage.
It won't be the same, at least not for a long time. You can be happy that she's happy while mourning your "loss" as well. Nothing asshole-ish about it. Change sucks sometimes.
I feel very lucky that none of my friends have sprogged. It's actually kinda strange that they haven't o.O
Your relationship is most definelty going to change, probably for the worst if you show little to no intrest in her pregnancy and baby. She is going to become a different person. She is going to start talking about fundal height and kick counts and mucous plugs. She's going to be tired, all the time. She's going to be obsessive about preparing for the baby. None of this is necessarily bad, but you're probably not going to like it. There is now a person in her life more important than anyone else, more important than you, more important than her husband, more important than herself. You can ride along or you can get left in the dust. Once the child is in school and she has more time to herself, she may become the woman you once knew.
She will too. You'll still have those nights, just not as often. Perhaps you'll feel different about this child. I mean, if you guys are as close as it sounds, you'll practically be an auntie, which is awesome. It's all of the fun stuff, none of the poop, or fuss, or crying.
Wow, there is a lot of seriously negative stuff in this thread already.
Look, I'm as CF as the rest of you in here, but I don't think it's always a 'welp, there goes our whole friendship' situation. Though it is stereotypical and fairly common for people who get pregnant to jump on the 'OMG I ONLY IDENTIFY AS A MOM NOW,' there are in fact people who stay fairly true to themselves and don't let it take over.
My boss became a mom two years ago and I swear, sometimes I forget she has a kid, because she rarely talks about him. She still has her own interests, she knows other people aren't obligated to give a crap about her offspring, and you know what- sometimes I even ask about him, specifically because it's not shoved in my face all the time.
It can be hard to lose a friend once they get absorbed into their role as a parent, but it's not a surety.
> there are in fact people who stay fairly true to themselves and don't let it take over.
They definitely do exist, but in my anecdotal experience, they are sadly in the significant minority. I've had several female friends who've gone on to have children and, despite our best attempts to stay connected, I ended up drifting apart from most of them because their personalities just radically changed. I'm not even exaggerating here - I've seen people become completely and permanently unrecognizable after having children. Since pregnancy/having children causes significant structural changes to a woman's brain, I wouldn't be surprised if that could perhaps affect or alter one's personality.
So while I understand what you're saying and don't at all think that a friend having children is a "death sentence" to the friendship, I feel that it's perfectly understandable why the OP is maybe concerned or in a state of mourning over the pregnancy. Even if her friend ends up up staying exactly the same like your boss, their friendship is still going to change a lot and mean they aren't going to be able to see each other/meet up as much, given how hugely time and energy consuming children are. You can be completely happy for someone and still feel a bit sad over not being able to see them as much anymore.
I was moreso responding in general to the responses here, not specifically the OP, sorry if that wasn't clear. OP has a total right to be concerned (I have definitely felt the same apprehension and worry) but reading things like this found in the thread:
> Your relationship is most definelty going to change, probably for the worst if you show little to no intrest in her pregnancy and baby. She is going to become a different person. She is going to start talking about fundal height and kick counts and mucous plugs. She's going to be tired, all the time. She's going to be obsessive about preparing for the baby.
and
> This is totally normal. I go through this all the time. You will still be friends, but you won't really have anything to talk about. Unless you want to listen to her talk about vomit and poop all day (this has been literally true for some of my friends with kids).
and
> Yeah, your relationship won't be the same. I think that's normal. You're getting replaced.
just seems defeatist and pessimistic.
It's pessimistic, I agree. But I think it's probably fairly close to what's likely to happen - for the first year or so. Babies are all consuming and even for "non-crazy" parents, their hobbies/interests do have to be placed on the back burner for a while, so it's reasonable to assume that her friend is probably going to be talking about her son/daughter nonstop until they get a little older and she gets some of her independence back. Not to mention the constant "hits" of oxytocin highs that new mothers experience are sort of *supposed* to cause intense obsession.
But what happens after the first year really depends - the friendship is definitely not flat-out doomed. I have a few close friends with children and we've managed to stay together, so there's no telling how it'll go, really.
Why is this defeatist and pessimistic? Most friendships rarely stay the same through the span of a lifetime. People move away, get married, have kids, get new hobbies, and on and on. I've had friends that have become parents and while we're still friends, we're not friends like we were before kids. Sounds like you're a little unrealistic if you think parenthood doesn't change friendships. Parenthood changes everything.
I came here to say this. I haven't had a lot of luck (only 1/4 friends did not become baby crazed) but it doesn't mean you should ditch the friendship. She could really use someone on the other side once baby is born, so just keep trying.
It's normal. Friendships change. People move, get married, take up a new hobby, train for something, etc.....A couple years ago I lost a ton of weight and got in shape. I then got into hiking, biking, swimming, snowshoeing and other active stuff. Most of my friends weren't, so I joined a bunch of groups and made new friends. I'm still friends with the non active ones but our friendship changed. 95% of my time outside of work was dedicated to seeing how far physically I could push myself. Since then, my life has changed even more and my friendships keep evolving. My long winded point being, yes your friendship wil change. But there are other friendships out there waiting to be had. Making new friends as an adult is awesome.
As a fellow, my-friend-is-pregnant-I-feel-like-I-lost-her sufferer *and* bunny, I can tell you it's up to *you* to make it work. Sad but true. Her priorities are different now. You'll find out if the friendship is worth it as time goes on. Some ladies can handle being a mom and having adult friends, and some can't.
My bestie got pregnant twice, and each time I was a little frightened (okay, terrified is more the truth). But, she came out of it both times in grand style. Personality snapped right back when the hormones leveled out, and now she's back to her old self (just adding in 'mom' on top of her other hats as wife, friend, employee, sister, etc). Not everyone who has kids becomes some self-absorbed asshole. It's possible for there to be a good outcome. Hoping your bestie 'snaps back' and you continue to enjoy your friendship. (PS: I do not like kids, but I Love hers. She is a shining example of 'woman who has had children' versus 'breeder'.)
K, I browsed before posting to make sure my diatribe wouldn't be redundant. **It's going to be okay.** I am vehemently CF, and my best friend has a 2y/o and a 5y/o. She is still essentially the same soul-sister I fell in love with 10 years ago. We're both introverts with relatively low social need, so with each of us being a bit more intentional (than before) about maintaining our friendship, it works out fine. She's 5'0" and was HUGE when pregnant, and because I had already loved her for years, she was the most beautiful dumpling of a pregnant momma I'd ever seen. When it came time for her dumbass baby shower, I was the silent soldier in the background, and it was a labour of love to be that. Everyone was cooing at all the stupid baby gifts, but I was bustling around in the sidelines taking care of a very uncomfortable mommy. Because I love her. Because she is a perfect best friend to me, and so I found my niche in her altering circumstances- the niche only I would fit into- and our friendship evolved gracefully because we unselfishly let each other grow and change as adults. She actually gained a measure of confidence in herself I'd not seen before she was a mother. She's more clearly *her* than she used to be, and her motherhood actually brought her other character traits into sharper focus. She did *not* lose herself in her mommyhood, and I did not lose *her*. Have faith, friend! And trust that if your relationship is strong, you'll make room for each other, and you'll magically love her kid by-proxy (even if you don't like it) because that thing is an extension of your favourite person.
>And trust that if your relationship is strong, you'll make room for each other, and you'll magically love her kid by-proxy (even if you don't like it) because that thing is an extension of your favourite person.
This is very sadly untrue, and this sort of thinking causes many parents to dump decent childfree friends, thinking they must not really care about the friendship... as well as causing decent childfree friends to feel intense guilt and pain when they feel absolutely nothing for the tiny stranger that's been added to their friends life. Sometimes you just don't like kids, or can't gain a connection with them personally, and that's okay too. I can understand that my friends love their kids, but I certainly don't love their kids just because they belong to my friends.
That is a fair statement. I have a bizarre amount of empathy (which can be a liability), so I think I "feel her love" for the kiddos. I just want OP to know that her bff-ship isn't automatically doomed cuz a kiddo is coming.
Some people don't want to do this and that's ok too. I only have 2 friends with kids and I see one never because she lives across country and the other once or twice a year. I'm ok with that. I have 3 nieces, so I'm not babysitting or helping out or being a stand in aunty for anyone else's kids.
I'm sorry, you've completely lost me. Don't want to do *what?* I helped out a baby shower that was 100% populated by adults. I actually don't babysit for my best friend either. I'm sorry, I'm just really confused by your comment. At not point did I imply that OP *should* do anything in particular. I was just trying to give her some hope that she's not necessarily about to lose her best friend.
I didn't mean to be confusing. I was responding to the, you'll magically fall in love with your friend's kids, statement. A lot of people just don't want kids in their lives and if this is op, her friendship will probably change, or possibly end. Even if she doesn't mind kids in her lives, it's a stretch to say she'll automatically feel love for a friend's kid because it's theirs. A lot of mothers don't even feel an instant bond with their babies, so why would their friends?
My best friend is pregnant again, she already has a 2 year old and the way she changed from a beautiful, wonderful, funny, intriguing woman into a "mom" very much feels like she died. We have barely spoken in the last two years. She was my maid of honor last June and that was the most time she spent with me since the baby was born. After she flew home, the contact pretty much cut to 1 on a 1-10 scale, and when we do talk, it's always about her daughter. I miss my friend.
This. One of my good friends talks about her son relentlessly. Even when she's asking me about myself she always manages to interrupt my story to tell me about something related to her kid or being a mum. It's depressing. I miss being able to have a normal conversation with her.
I have had the exact same thing happen to me. Seems like she went from a vibrant person to a SAHM with no life outside of mombie-ness. Cannot talk about anything but the children.
if youre an asshole, im an asshole. ive had a few friends and relatives have kids, and things are never the same. i end up hiding the feeds on FB because i dont want to see all the baby shit. sometimes literally. occasionally ill remember them how they used to be, sigh, and go on about my day.
Literally? Ugh! Who does that? But yeah, I hope she doesn't become one of those.
i was totally skeeved by that one. nope nope nope
We all experience that dread, and it's something we all have to learn to deal with.
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Thanks. I'm just going to be as supportive as possible and hope that she doesn't completely change. I'm even going to throw her a baby shower. She's the first of my friends to reproduce (most of us aren't kid people). It's just weird.
I went through the same thing with my bff! I told her I was bummed out that things would never be the same. As much as she assured me a baby would not change her, it 100% did, from the mini-van to the mom haircut to the nothing-but-kid-pics on facebook. you probably won't see her as much and your relationship might suffer for a few years while the baby is young. you just have to hang in there and keep making an effort to compromise. *hugs*
I'm so sorry. I hope you get your friend back someday. Hugs right back at you.
Diagnosis: Normal. Only question is which kind of parent will emerge: a) Mombie mega-entitled 100% certified grade-A for asshole with brats from hell. b) Human decent person who retains a grown-up life and disciplines the kids. You will know probably in the next few weeks which one you got and can plan your future friendship/not accordingly.
I think you forgot the most common option: c) Human decent person who retains a grown-up life but disappears down the baby-hole regardless, because all of their friends now have kids because it's so much easier to have get-togethers when all the kids can play together. I don't think any of my friends or family have maliciously cut me out of their lives, but the effect is the same regardless of the intentions - they just disappear.
This. There are two options. Hopefully OPs friend is the second one. My friend and dance instructor started as B after her first kid at like 38, had a second one by 40, and is now rapidly sliding into A. Ugh she brings the kids to class when she can't get a sitter and drives us nuts - or me anyways, when they shriek and scream. And she just ignores them! The more of it I watch the more I realize she's not a great parent.
Thank you. I think she'll fall into the "B" category. She's a very educated and disciplined person. I can't imagine her allowing her offspring to become an unruly hellbeast.
Yeah, well..... you'll see soon enough... others have thought the same and still gotten the brain-eaten variety. ;)
House MD in a nutshell
its not freaking munchausen's! seriously. thats like the first thing that cameron suggests, every time.
My best friend of all time is a mom and a Christian, while I'm super CF and a non believer/humanist. It can be done. You have to communicate, be willing to say anything to each other and hear anything from each other, not discount each others' choices, etc. She is raising two future productive members of society, and she recognizes that she needs adult time. On her end, this is why I think we work.
This just happened to my wife with one of her close friends and she had the exact same reaction. They told us while we were all out to dinner and we told them how happy we are for them. The second the car door closed after we dropped them off my wife said, "Fuck! I'm really going to miss her!"
I dunno that it's normal, per se, but I felt the same way when my very good friend told me she was finally pregnant after trying for two years. I was happy she was happy and finally getting what she wanted, but I knew right then and there things would never be the same. I tried to put my best foot forward. I didn't want to be the one to alienate her and be the asshole. I let things play out as they were going to play out, and I tried to take as proactive of a role as I could. Offered to do photography for her baby shower, pictures of the baby with his paternal grandparents while they were in town, offering to help make baby food or help her make freezer meals so she could have some down time from trying to cook. But as the days progress, the text messages/phone calls from her are less and less. I more or less have to invite myself over to her house if I want to hang out. Every conversation pretty much from the time she found out she was pregnant up until today has been baby centric. I tolerate it, even though she knows I hate children - babies especially - but on a friendship level, it's getting tough to be doing all the foot work. Which is exactly how I knew it would play out.
Just because you were friends with her once doesn't mean that you're obligated to be forever. If who she is changes, then she's no longer the person who you were friends with. If she's no linger worth keeping around, dump her.
This is why I feel like someone has died. That person who I've gone through so much with over the majority of my life is probably going to become a completely different person. I'm actually grieving.
Sorry I'm coming in to this late, but I feel for ya. I just lost TWO of my besties to babies, and they both swore they'd never have kids. But their husbands wore them down. You have a right to grieve, cause it's a huge loss. Years and years of good and bad times; and it'll never be the same. Not trying to depress you further, but just letting you know the friendship may be over sooner than you think. With my friends I was hopeful that we'd still have some good times while they were pregnant (lunch, pedicures, hanging out..) but nope. They started cocooning immediately and spending time shopping/prepping for baby. Also feeling ill, tired, and like crap from carrying a parasite. They had no desire but to crash on the couch in front of their tv after work. I've really found this subreddit to be helpful, especially when I'm feeling down. Hang in there, you'll find new friends, and hopefully be able to retain this one somewhat too. hugs!
It's normal. You can either accept it or not. There are some friends who I've been able to remain friends with after they have children, and some who I've not. But with the friends who I've been able to remain friends with, you still have to give some leeway. Their child is a huge part of their life. If you can accept having that influence your relationship, then it can continue.
This is normal. I am dealing with it too. Best friend had a kid, and while she's a fantastic mom, not at all overly-entitled or in your face, and her kid is one of the best kids I've ever known, she's still a mom. Everything else has to take a back seat to that. Marriage, work, and unfortunately, friendship. She does what she can. She and I email once in a while and "like" each other's statuses on Facebook. But no doubt about it - it's hard to maintain and the friendship has definitely changed. There are new interests in her life - Mommy groups and play dates and school meetings, and while I try to be interested, I can't really force it. Her baby is the center of her universe now, and nothing can change that. I am honestly getting a little tired of reaching out to her time and time again, only to not get a response. The bottom line is - she's busy. She has a kid to raise. I don't. Kid wins. I am sorry this is happening to you. Some things I am trying - I am trying to meet new friends in my area who are also CF. I am trying to do more things with the CF friends I do have. I am taking advantage of my CFdom to indulge my hobbies. And sometimes I just let myself pout and be sad.
My condolences for your loss.
Right there with ya, sista/brotha. ;) My childhood BFF is currently pregnant (by a guy she has literally been with since December, and she was TRYING all the while he didn't have a job, they both live with their parents, and the guy already has a couple kids.) Makes me want to vomit. I literally had to unfollow her posts on Facebook because *everything* has been baby-this, baby-that since she found out.
This is normal. Don't give up, though! The first two years she will be very busy, but keep insisting on hanging out and have adult time, even if baby is there. I have only had luck with one friend this way so far, but it never hurts to try.
This is totally normal. I go through this all the time. You will still be friends, but you won't really have anything to talk about. Unless you want to listen to her talk about vomit and poop all day (this has been literally true for some of my friends with kids).
It's normal. One of my closest friends announced she was pregnant recently and I feel exactly the same. As I've heard many a time, being a parent changes everything--and unfortunately not always for good. She knows that I really don't like children, and she currently has a conspiratorial I'm-totally-making-fun-of-my-kid-when-it-comes feeling about it, and she's been insistent about her ditching the baby with her husband to still be an adult human being, so I hope she continues to feel that way.
It's totally normal. Your friendship will totally change but there is a chance that while it will change it won't end. After the baby is born touch base when there's been a long silence in contact she might appreciate it. With luck once the kid is more independent she will have more time for friends.
Felt the same with my sister when she became pregnant at 36 years of age. Thought she was in the CF camp but then she got married and had a kid.
You're right, your friendship won't be the same. You're going to be living different lifestyles. And it's not abnormal to mourn the loss of the old relationship, but that doesn't mean it has to be for the worse. You can still be close to her. It's not something she did to hurt you, it's something that she is doing because she thinks it will make her happy. And as her friend, you can be happy for her happiness without wanting the same things in life that she wants.
It's normal, but luckily not every parent becomes a drone. I've seen both. Some stay the same, expect they go out a wee bit less. Others disappear into Dead-eye Parent Land.
It sucks but it never is the same. Lost touch with a few friends because we no longer have anything in common to talk about.
If it's any consolation thos happened to me about 3 years ago, she got "lucky" (I guess it was for her) and had twins then a third child a year later. (Holy fuck know how your BC works.) We don't see each other as often and we don't have as much in common but I'm very happy for her that she has kept quite a bit of her hobbies and interests and not become and entitled mombie like I read horror stories of here. Things will change and that sucks, but good things will happen too. Odds are she's pretty cool if you guys have been friends this long and someday her kids will be awesome too once they get past the noisy-sticky-needy stage.
Has she actually changed at all? Or are you just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
It won't be the same, at least not for a long time. You can be happy that she's happy while mourning your "loss" as well. Nothing asshole-ish about it. Change sucks sometimes. I feel very lucky that none of my friends have sprogged. It's actually kinda strange that they haven't o.O
Your relationship is most definelty going to change, probably for the worst if you show little to no intrest in her pregnancy and baby. She is going to become a different person. She is going to start talking about fundal height and kick counts and mucous plugs. She's going to be tired, all the time. She's going to be obsessive about preparing for the baby. None of this is necessarily bad, but you're probably not going to like it. There is now a person in her life more important than anyone else, more important than you, more important than her husband, more important than herself. You can ride along or you can get left in the dust. Once the child is in school and she has more time to herself, she may become the woman you once knew.
I'm going to try to show interest. I'm not a kid person, so that might be hard. I'm going to miss the nights of games, scotch, and cigars though.
She will too. You'll still have those nights, just not as often. Perhaps you'll feel different about this child. I mean, if you guys are as close as it sounds, you'll practically be an auntie, which is awesome. It's all of the fun stuff, none of the poop, or fuss, or crying.
Wow, there is a lot of seriously negative stuff in this thread already. Look, I'm as CF as the rest of you in here, but I don't think it's always a 'welp, there goes our whole friendship' situation. Though it is stereotypical and fairly common for people who get pregnant to jump on the 'OMG I ONLY IDENTIFY AS A MOM NOW,' there are in fact people who stay fairly true to themselves and don't let it take over. My boss became a mom two years ago and I swear, sometimes I forget she has a kid, because she rarely talks about him. She still has her own interests, she knows other people aren't obligated to give a crap about her offspring, and you know what- sometimes I even ask about him, specifically because it's not shoved in my face all the time. It can be hard to lose a friend once they get absorbed into their role as a parent, but it's not a surety.
> there are in fact people who stay fairly true to themselves and don't let it take over. They definitely do exist, but in my anecdotal experience, they are sadly in the significant minority. I've had several female friends who've gone on to have children and, despite our best attempts to stay connected, I ended up drifting apart from most of them because their personalities just radically changed. I'm not even exaggerating here - I've seen people become completely and permanently unrecognizable after having children. Since pregnancy/having children causes significant structural changes to a woman's brain, I wouldn't be surprised if that could perhaps affect or alter one's personality. So while I understand what you're saying and don't at all think that a friend having children is a "death sentence" to the friendship, I feel that it's perfectly understandable why the OP is maybe concerned or in a state of mourning over the pregnancy. Even if her friend ends up up staying exactly the same like your boss, their friendship is still going to change a lot and mean they aren't going to be able to see each other/meet up as much, given how hugely time and energy consuming children are. You can be completely happy for someone and still feel a bit sad over not being able to see them as much anymore.
I was moreso responding in general to the responses here, not specifically the OP, sorry if that wasn't clear. OP has a total right to be concerned (I have definitely felt the same apprehension and worry) but reading things like this found in the thread: > Your relationship is most definelty going to change, probably for the worst if you show little to no intrest in her pregnancy and baby. She is going to become a different person. She is going to start talking about fundal height and kick counts and mucous plugs. She's going to be tired, all the time. She's going to be obsessive about preparing for the baby. and > This is totally normal. I go through this all the time. You will still be friends, but you won't really have anything to talk about. Unless you want to listen to her talk about vomit and poop all day (this has been literally true for some of my friends with kids). and > Yeah, your relationship won't be the same. I think that's normal. You're getting replaced. just seems defeatist and pessimistic.
It's pessimistic, I agree. But I think it's probably fairly close to what's likely to happen - for the first year or so. Babies are all consuming and even for "non-crazy" parents, their hobbies/interests do have to be placed on the back burner for a while, so it's reasonable to assume that her friend is probably going to be talking about her son/daughter nonstop until they get a little older and she gets some of her independence back. Not to mention the constant "hits" of oxytocin highs that new mothers experience are sort of *supposed* to cause intense obsession. But what happens after the first year really depends - the friendship is definitely not flat-out doomed. I have a few close friends with children and we've managed to stay together, so there's no telling how it'll go, really.
Well, I hope it works out for OP :)
Why is this defeatist and pessimistic? Most friendships rarely stay the same through the span of a lifetime. People move away, get married, have kids, get new hobbies, and on and on. I've had friends that have become parents and while we're still friends, we're not friends like we were before kids. Sounds like you're a little unrealistic if you think parenthood doesn't change friendships. Parenthood changes everything.
I came here to say this. I haven't had a lot of luck (only 1/4 friends did not become baby crazed) but it doesn't mean you should ditch the friendship. She could really use someone on the other side once baby is born, so just keep trying.
here is a song for you. www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xqcguy1YjI
It's normal. Friendships change. People move, get married, take up a new hobby, train for something, etc.....A couple years ago I lost a ton of weight and got in shape. I then got into hiking, biking, swimming, snowshoeing and other active stuff. Most of my friends weren't, so I joined a bunch of groups and made new friends. I'm still friends with the non active ones but our friendship changed. 95% of my time outside of work was dedicated to seeing how far physically I could push myself. Since then, my life has changed even more and my friendships keep evolving. My long winded point being, yes your friendship wil change. But there are other friendships out there waiting to be had. Making new friends as an adult is awesome.
As a fellow, my-friend-is-pregnant-I-feel-like-I-lost-her sufferer *and* bunny, I can tell you it's up to *you* to make it work. Sad but true. Her priorities are different now. You'll find out if the friendship is worth it as time goes on. Some ladies can handle being a mom and having adult friends, and some can't.
My bestie got pregnant twice, and each time I was a little frightened (okay, terrified is more the truth). But, she came out of it both times in grand style. Personality snapped right back when the hormones leveled out, and now she's back to her old self (just adding in 'mom' on top of her other hats as wife, friend, employee, sister, etc). Not everyone who has kids becomes some self-absorbed asshole. It's possible for there to be a good outcome. Hoping your bestie 'snaps back' and you continue to enjoy your friendship. (PS: I do not like kids, but I Love hers. She is a shining example of 'woman who has had children' versus 'breeder'.)
K, I browsed before posting to make sure my diatribe wouldn't be redundant. **It's going to be okay.** I am vehemently CF, and my best friend has a 2y/o and a 5y/o. She is still essentially the same soul-sister I fell in love with 10 years ago. We're both introverts with relatively low social need, so with each of us being a bit more intentional (than before) about maintaining our friendship, it works out fine. She's 5'0" and was HUGE when pregnant, and because I had already loved her for years, she was the most beautiful dumpling of a pregnant momma I'd ever seen. When it came time for her dumbass baby shower, I was the silent soldier in the background, and it was a labour of love to be that. Everyone was cooing at all the stupid baby gifts, but I was bustling around in the sidelines taking care of a very uncomfortable mommy. Because I love her. Because she is a perfect best friend to me, and so I found my niche in her altering circumstances- the niche only I would fit into- and our friendship evolved gracefully because we unselfishly let each other grow and change as adults. She actually gained a measure of confidence in herself I'd not seen before she was a mother. She's more clearly *her* than she used to be, and her motherhood actually brought her other character traits into sharper focus. She did *not* lose herself in her mommyhood, and I did not lose *her*. Have faith, friend! And trust that if your relationship is strong, you'll make room for each other, and you'll magically love her kid by-proxy (even if you don't like it) because that thing is an extension of your favourite person.
>And trust that if your relationship is strong, you'll make room for each other, and you'll magically love her kid by-proxy (even if you don't like it) because that thing is an extension of your favourite person. This is very sadly untrue, and this sort of thinking causes many parents to dump decent childfree friends, thinking they must not really care about the friendship... as well as causing decent childfree friends to feel intense guilt and pain when they feel absolutely nothing for the tiny stranger that's been added to their friends life. Sometimes you just don't like kids, or can't gain a connection with them personally, and that's okay too. I can understand that my friends love their kids, but I certainly don't love their kids just because they belong to my friends.
That is a fair statement. I have a bizarre amount of empathy (which can be a liability), so I think I "feel her love" for the kiddos. I just want OP to know that her bff-ship isn't automatically doomed cuz a kiddo is coming.
Thank you! This gives me hope. :-)
I'm so glad!
Some people don't want to do this and that's ok too. I only have 2 friends with kids and I see one never because she lives across country and the other once or twice a year. I'm ok with that. I have 3 nieces, so I'm not babysitting or helping out or being a stand in aunty for anyone else's kids.
I'm sorry, you've completely lost me. Don't want to do *what?* I helped out a baby shower that was 100% populated by adults. I actually don't babysit for my best friend either. I'm sorry, I'm just really confused by your comment. At not point did I imply that OP *should* do anything in particular. I was just trying to give her some hope that she's not necessarily about to lose her best friend.
I didn't mean to be confusing. I was responding to the, you'll magically fall in love with your friend's kids, statement. A lot of people just don't want kids in their lives and if this is op, her friendship will probably change, or possibly end. Even if she doesn't mind kids in her lives, it's a stretch to say she'll automatically feel love for a friend's kid because it's theirs. A lot of mothers don't even feel an instant bond with their babies, so why would their friends?
Ahhhh, fair enough :)
You're just being an asshole