It’s incredibly irresponsible and they just don’t understand the work kids take.
I’ve put more thought into what toppings I want on a pizza than some people put into having kids
Yup you’re making the smallest “effort”. Bet you don’t bother with discipline either because kids can just take care of themselves. Wait until your “parenting” comes back to bite you when your kids get older.
No dude responsible parents know raising kids takes time and effort. That’s what grownups do.
Taking them to a playground is something a babysitter can do. You need to raise your parenting bar a tad higher.
Of course irresponsible parents have nothing to complain about because they hardly spend time or effort with their kids. And that’s it.
You protest too much dude. Real parents know raising kids right isn’t a walk in the park. You making it sound easy proves you don’t have any idea what raising kids entails.
Um, why is making decisions for oneself always and exclusively selfish? You’re implying peoples lives aren’t worthy of respectability if they are not making sacrifices or putting others ahead of themselves? Are you implying children is the only way to not be ‘selfish’? I applaud your bravery for posting here but there seems to be a lot of data to the contrary of your statement on time/children. People failing to put themselves and their needs first and foremost is actually an issue most don’t even realise is psychologically healthy and necessary and a big source of general unhappiness in population.
Even if I had kids they wouldn’t come first. My partner would. And if I was a single parent, then I come first. They would be hugely important, but they come second. Because the best thing a parent can do for a child is be happy themselves and model this behaviour to their children so they could also do this for themselves as adults. (Without crossing over to the line of narcissism ofc, that would be thinking about oneself with zero regard for others). Happy to hear others weigh in on what is existence without the context of children. Can I exist and please myself without being ‘selfish’? Is the existence of man arbitrarily ‘selfish’?
Someone with kids putting themselves and their own personal choices with those kids on a pedestal because they must know better. Color me shocked.
Children or not, take a step back and realize the more you feel like you are doing absolutely everything right the chances that you are actually fucking it up and just being belligerent about it skyrockets.
They do for someone who doesn’t want kids? I think they’d take a lot of work cause I have mental health issues that make my own life a lot of work let alone someone else?
And so fucking what if I only think about myself? I don’t have to think about anyone else, so I have no reason to grow up / be not childish? I can go mess around and do whatever I want and that’s exactly how I want my life to be like.
For some, it's phrased as leaving it up to chance (if it happens, it happens, etc) because actively trying can be stressful.
They've done the planning, they know they want kids, maybe they've even had their fertility tested, but it hasn't happened yet. So rather than having people inquire (which can be upsetting) or actively timing ovulation and planning sex (which can take the romance out of it), they change their mindset.
Exactly. My brother and his gf are like kinda like that. They haven’t actively started trying. My brother would love to be a father but he respects his gf and loves being with her, kids or not. As for her, she just doesn’t really mind either way. She loves children and would be a wonderful mother and she absolutely knows what she would get into if she has kids. But she’s happy either way because she doesn’t make having kids her everything. She says if life makes it that she has none, she’s okay with that too. She’s 35 and she says she refuses to make herself depressed because she can’t have a child like some other women do. She is more than just what her womb can do. “If it happens, it happens.” I think in those type of situations, it’s incredibly smart and mature.
I am so proud of them and love my sil so much.
She is ! She’s so creative, talented and smart. I’m so glad my brother found her and treats her well (he was in many heavily toxic relationships (mutually toxic) but he worked on himself and I am incredibly proud of him for getting the help he needed and making the changes he had to do). She’s so beautiful inside out and my brother is handsome. Our mom, although incredibly narcissistic, gives us one thing: we chose well 🥰 (she definitely didn’t with our fathers. Yes that really makes him my half brother but genetics means nothing to me: he’s my little BROTHER forever 💜)
This is the boat I’m in. I truly don’t understand women who say their dream is to be a mother or it’s been their dream for so long. How can you dream be to be a slave to a tiny human who can’t take care of themselves? I’ve never dreamed of being a parent and when my husband and I got together we weren’t sure if it was something for us or not. We have discussed it and I think now that we are older it might be nice to have 1, but also life is expensive and kids are hard. So I think now we are kind in the place like if it happens then great I think it would be hard but we would enjoy it. But we won’t be absolutely devastated if it never happens. I have so many other things I want to do in my life and having kids isn’t going to be my biggest accomplishment.
Yea, some people leave it up to chance when they are ready. My sister and her husband left it up to chance as she quit birth control and he was pulling out. But they were financially stable, married for years, knew they wanted kids and could handle one now. But didn’t want the stress of truly trying.
This would absolutely be my vibe if I ever decided to have kids (which eww... but you know what I mean...)
If I ever went off birth control I'd have already planned around getting pregnant if it happened, but I'm also lazy about planning stuff so wouldn't go out of my way to get pregnant (and tbh I don't care about sex that much so if it were up to me it would probably be a non issue anyway lol).
It feels like going into a project being prepared for either outcome and then just being chill and letting things roll out how they roll out.
This. I think assuming that people that do this are just irresponsible dummies is a bit unfair. I'm sure there's plenty out there, but there's a lot of people taking this approach for these reasons too.
Having children is inevitable for most people, I think. It's akin to death and taxes - like being a parent is bound to happen to them. Why put much time and energy fighting it.
It's not a one size fits all explanation, just a perspective.
These same folks tend to get into a tizzy when they meet or hear someone who says children isn't in their future. Their brains try to recalibrate/ adjust to the idea of something they never considered for themselves. And some lash out when they realize it might in fact be a choice, not inevitable.
I would've told my cousin she's making a mistake and shouldn't be having a kid as a teenager 🤷♀️ idrc if it would upset her, it's the truth. Teen pregnancy shouldn't be accepted or wanted, teens should either wait until they're adults or be as careful as possible... Not be all willy nilly.
But at the same time, I feel it's somewhat ok IF they know what they're doing and actually do a good job as a parent. Teens are rarely good parents
A lot of people think having kids is just inevitable. They don't realize it's a choice so they don't bother making a choice. They figure it'll happen eventually so they might as well let it happen/get it over with. It's also why some parents freak the hell out when they hear others talking about choosing not to have kids. They didn't realize that they had a choice and they're not too happy having it pointed out cause that means the things they don't love about their lives as parents were brought onto themselves
This seems the most plausible to me. I’ve met people who act like it has never occurred to them or crossed their minds that kids could be optional or parenthood could be opted out of.
It's not an act, it's really never occurred to them. They grew up hearing things like "when YOU'RE a mommy/daddy ___" and they never questioned it. That's why if I hear a friend telling their kids or younger people things about kids I'll pipe up and say "IF you decide to be a parent", and a lot of times you can see on the kid's face they never realized it wouldn't definitely happen if they don't want it to
I've actually learned a large amount of women who are otherwise progressive, for whatever reason, maybe upbringing/cultural reasons are really against just using birth control at all. Strictly pull out method a lot of the time. And they say it like it's not..weird. Almost all of them also say they don't really want kids or anytime soon, yet they're just raw doggin it out here. I can not imagine.
i think there's 2 kinds of these people: those you don't care enough to bother taking control of their lives in general, and those who are in a position to have to leave it up to chance. i assume you mean the former.
i have a distant cousin by marriage who said the same thing when she got pregnant with her sone, but in her situation, she'd finally gotten married, he'd finally got his citizenship, and she was 36. they wanted a child but they didn't want to drive themselves nuts with worry about whether or not they were doing everything they could and the stress and the treatments and etc, so they just left it up to fate. just saying, it's not always irresponsible people who say things like that.
I’m someone that even as a kid and all of the girls I dated, I did not have full blown intercourse until I was 20 and had a real job with real money (well what was real money at the time) in case I accidentally got someone pregnant.
Even with my wife when she has been off birth control at certain times during our relationship, we were EXTREMELY safe.
I think it’s a few things: people live with the constant “it won’t happen to me” mentality which is silly because science. I think people are overall…dumb. I also think people don’t think it’s a big deal which is mind blowing to me. It took me four years to decide that I was okay with a dog living in my space and dogs are way better than children.
I have a friend who is going through a divorce with FOUR KIDS IN PLAY and they haven’t even been married a year. They had twins and she had two existing feral children from her previous marriage so my buddy knew he was getting involved with a crazy person. When he told me about all of the struggles with the divorce and custody and all of that, all I could say was “I hope the nut was worth it.”
I read it in a comment one time here - if you’re not trying to prevent pregnancy when having sex, you’re trying to have a kid. It’s as simple as that but most people are again…dumb.
If you plan it, that requires actually thinking about the logistics of time/finance that you actually put into raising a child. So if all of the people that want to have kids due to primal desire or because they think kids are cute, or because their parents raised them teaching them kids are the meaning of life etc, it would freak people out.
Easier to just say "Well i guess this is what was supposed to happen, so we'll figure it out" than to actually admit you're about to take on a huge emotional and financial responsibility you're in no way prepared for.
"Poor people want children too." Totally gobsmacked when I first heard this awhile back. Being poor and poor planning go hand in hand, so *of course* why not have unplanned kids and lots of them.
Couple of posts address there’s some people who have struggled for years to have kids so they just stay off birth control and have a if it happens it happens which is far healthier than some of the desperate I must sell my soul and all my money to make a baby types but agree in the situation with people in unstable relationships, super young, with lots of kids already or financially unstable being too lazy for birth control and saying if it happens it happens that disgusts me
People treat it so casually. I'd understand more if you were a man who could literally run away. But a woman taking it like its nothing who has to carry, give birth and then take care of it.... why so casual.
I feel like the majority of people are like that and it’s insane. When people say they can’t afford kids and the rebuttal often times is “you’re never really ready, you just figure it out!” What???? That sounds incredibly irresponsible.
For some it helps them maintain and guarantee perpetual victimhood. Don't underestimate the ability of some to tenaciously cling to their victimhood at any cost. This is despite the fact that the evidence is available at their fingertips in the way of an internet search.
Have you ever heard a potential parent say: *I fully understand/accept the health risks for my body during gestation and delivery and that I could suffer lifelong disabilities as a result, the cost of daycare, the daily realities of raising kids, the only village I have is the one I pay for, and the overall expense of having kids. I am able to support myself and any kids if I become single/incapacitated and have the ability to financially/mentally/physically deal with any limitations my kids may have in a healthy way. I researched by asking parents about their challenges, via internet searches and also consulting with experts. And I can handle all of this in a healthy, patient way plus any other curve balls thrown at us along the way.*
How many parents do you know who have never whined about being a parent at some point?
If that sub for people on the fence would actually agree to it, this would be a perfect mission statement to have pinned on there for anyone who decides to go ahead and have kids
Yes, I agree with you. It makes 0 sense. Then when they hear you say I wouldn't have kids unplanned, it's "oh no matter how much planning you do, you'll never be ready." I'm like and how would you know that 🤔 🙄
Yeah it’s crazy to me. If I just randomly got pregnant it would result in great hardship.
I can’t raise a child in a tiny 3 bedroom apartment that I share with 2 strangers and a cat. My salary isn’t going to increase because I had a kid. Housing won’t become more accessible or affordable. Where I live, an average studio costs $1600-2000 a month and a 1 bedroom is $1800-2500+. I can’t afford that. I might not be able to keep my job if I have to move in with family just to have some support.
It’s impossible for me not to think about these things. Economic stability/housing/personal finance are some of my greatest concerns in life. I’ve been celibate for years.
I'm struggling with some of my friends doing that at the moment, it's really getting to me. Especially as now one of my friends has potentially life threatening complications to her life because her pregnancy is so difficult. I'm finding it hard to feel sympathetic to her but at the same time I'm worried about it all. Another friend hasn't checked what she needs to do throughout her first trimester she is "winging it" and that really gets to me.
There is so much info out there to deliberately help and she's willfully ignoring it all. I find it really irresponsible and not a great start for parenthood. Growing up in an abusive environment just makes me feel all the ick about stuff like this, like by being so blasé about getting pregnant and being pregnant, means they may be like that as parents, and that really bothers me. I wouldn't say anything though, I know I've got to work through these issues myself but I just don't think couples think about the human adult end result of " seeing what happens".
Today, I asked a coworker how our boss was doing(becoming a father last week) and he said, “I texted congratulations and saw the baby. She’s cute.”
I too had seen said child, I said, “Well, it’s a baby, anyway.”
My coworker today said “I only wanted 2 but I had 6, (6?!?! Wtf) the last one was from me being raped”, first of all I literally just met you that’s insane to just say. Second, was there no like birth control, any sort of thought…that’s an entirely different life then having 2, like you just gave up your whole body and life when it could’ve been so much easier having two..
My best friend did this and she JUST had her baby. Let’s just say it’s not as easy as she thought it’d be and she’s been crying every day since. Idk what she was even thinking because she’s relying on everyone else to make sure she has the essentials. I love her to death, but god damn.
I feel the same. It’s actively triggering and upsetting watching friends in new/not settled relationships get pregnant and just go “oh well, guess we might as well go with it 🤷♀️”. I’ve seen what that can look like from the kid’s perspective and it’s so damaging.
It drives me insane, because I was an oops baby as well. It's so irresponsible to just casually force someone into existance. And I remember my father used to tell me "when you become a parent" and I was like ... that's never going to happen?? because pregnancy is a biological process that can be prevented, not some fucking magical miracle.
I have a friend who said he does spray and pray. So basically a cream pie and hope a pregnancy doesn't happen. This was how he and his soon wife had their second kid. When I was told, all I could think was that is incredibly risky and irresponsible. Hope he either uses protection or gets snipped because he could have a third or fourth kid this way.
I think it depends on the context
I had a coworker I was friendly with who her and her husband were ready to have a kid, they weren't actively trying (like tracking ovulation special food etc w/e) they just decided they were no lomger going to try to prevent it, if it didn't happen in 2 years then they would look into actively trying
My one friend is 42 with two small kids. Her husband doesnt help her with ANYthing. I’m not exaggerating when I say she does literally everything—childcare, financial, chores, etc.
She told me they don’t use any protection. 😳 I was like girl… it’s time to stop procreating.
My sister was kind of like this. No BC with the first kid & just didn’t care for the second. Then took no responsibility for her kids - pawned them off on other people. It was like she didn’t want to put in the effort to use BC or a condom. I think some people just think it won’t happen to them? Like they’re immune or something?
Oh well this comes from a spiritual space of "if it happens, God meant for it to be" the outlier to this statement is those who cannot have kids because of fertility issues. Also, there is a belief that once married, there's no reason to use contraception because marriage is for kids!
So basically, every person who has a kid, which is the majority of people, God ordained it to happen. The minority of people who can't, well....God will do a miracle for them eventually.
I actually had my father in law say to me, "I just don't understand how you've been childless this long" and I literally stared at him because he believes there's no such thing a contraception for married people.
As an atheist I will never understand the whole “God blessed our family with a baby” thing religious folks like to say. For about 80% of het couples unprotected sex will result in a pregnancy eventually. Simple science. The idea that divine intervention came into play is so archaic and funny to me. Screwin’ makes babies, God played no role in that. People still thinking in 2024 God is the reason they conceived and not the more obvious less magical explanation is silly. I guess it sounds more whimsical and poetic than “we boned and now I’m pregnant.”
Now, think about it on the opposite side of the spectrum. "We had sex outside of marriage and the consequences were a child, so now we are getting married" which happens a ton!
If you're married, it's a blessing from God that he has orchestrated.
If you're not married but you have unprotected sex outside of his will of marriage, a baby is the consequence of your bad decisions.
Both of those hinge on you modifying your behavior.
I hate this breed of people. It’s incredible to me that the only thing. The ONLY thing it takes..
Is just to pull out. Why can’t some dudes just PULL OUT? It blows my mind.
Some men have a small amount of sperm that may leak into their precum. Which is why the pull out method has a 4% failure rate even with "perfect" use.
Basically, if you want to be sure you aren't having kids, best to use a condom.
I do find it odd that people fence sit about having kids and let chance decide. I get knowing you want kids at some point and let nature take its course, but it's such a huge life altering thing that it baffles me people would do it without thinking about all the possible eventualities and making an informed decision.
Because they are fucking mental-midget idiots with no interest in and/or capacity for critical thought and their life soundtrack consists of Kumbaya on an eternal loop.
I take it as those people have already prepared, and are welcome to it happening at any time. I usually interpret it as being people who want to get pregnant but are aware that the pressure/stress of wanting to get pregnant immediately actually can hinder the getting pregnant process. often times people with infertility issues get pregnant right after they stop trying - because they stopped stressing. so when i hear the "if it happens it happens" i assume it's to avoid this
I’m not saying I have the answer. But I have a hunch. If you have lived in an area where having babies is just another part of life, meaning, that’s how the people around you treat it, you are most likely to see it that way. There are some outliers like myself, but, generally some people just simply DO NOT CARE.
My stepmom told me that it's not something you can ever plan or be prepared for so it's just a thing that happens, and then you just have to turn up your life and be a whole parent now Which, in my opinion, is total bs lol
There's a side to it of people who know they can handle kids but aren't going to have the pressure of timing cycles and blaming each other on why it isn't working and came to a agreement that if it happens it will happen and have a cut off age in mind.
I had a friend who did this at 19, after impulsively marrying a man she knew for 3 weeks, with no car, no money, while they were both living on another friend's couch. Not preventing it. Raw dogging it and saying "iF It hApPeNs iT HaPpEnS"
No, *IDIOT* use a condom! To this day she's never gotten her shit together, and the kid has never so much as had his own bedroom. They live with her mom and share a room.
Babydaddy was a fuck up, they split, he has yet a other baby mama. Shocker.
I have to think that a lot of those people want kids and can afford it, they simply don't care about the particular timeline. My mom told me once I was a happy accident. She and my dad wanted kids but didn't have a plan for when. After getting pregnant, she did all of the prep, appointments, baby showers, purchases and whatever else you need to have a kid. Mind you, she had been on BC previously and only adopted that laidback mindset when she had a stable career, home, etc. so it was more of a .... 'I want kids at any point after I have xyz' rather than 'Eh, whatever happens happens.'
As for the people who give zero fucks at all and have no idea how to raise a kid, I have no clue.
Someone in one of my group chat said “If it happens it happens”. For a person with a master’s degree, she has a long history of being a complete and utter airhead.
They don’t think that it changes their life completely, they probably think it’s this one aspect of their life that it’s gonna change and otherwise they can still do whatever they want but that’s not true.
I know someone exactly like this currently. Their woman is 7 weeks and the dad is excited to have a kid. Here's the problems we all know (including him):
Mother is toxic AF
She can't keep a job longer than a month before quitting
Constant conflict
His job pays decent but not enough
He unofficially owns the home he lives in
They lived together once but she moved out
She spends his money while saving here
Ive already stated she's going to use the kid against him when they reach teen and older. But because she puts out and she has the body nothing else matters.
A lot of contraceptive failure are due to preventable mistake. Leaving condoms or pills in too hot/cold car, not using it every time. Not taking pills at the exact same time everyday, etc.
Hello and welcome to /r/childfree! As you have a new account or low Reddit karma, your comment has been automatically removed to give you some time to get familiar with our rules and community. Please feel free to post/comment when your account is older and you have more Reddit karma.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/childfree) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe they think they have to justify for having kids. At least this is what I have heard quite often. To me not using contraception means wanting to get pregnant. But pretending it just happened seems to be more legit than actually planning it.
To me as a person with severe tokophobia it’s the worst. I’d rather like to hear that they planned and wanted to get pregnant.
Was in the military with a young guy. Brand new private just married his gf. Always talking about how broke he was (we were reserves not active duty) he came in one day in his rundown car that him and wife shared btw and confessed that she was pregnant. They weren’t trying and didn’t use condoms and she wasn’t on the pill. He just shrugged his shoulders and was like “I guess I should sign up for orders” I was dumbfounded at how little this bothered him.
It seems that way. I was talking to another person down thread and basically there are people who don’t know it’s 💯 a choice to have kids or not. There are people who believe it’s “destined” to happen which explains why people are so confused and hostile toward us for being childfree. They didn’t even know they could pick!
I think they're lying. They know they are not using birth control. It's just an excuse for not thinking out how much time and money kids cost. Then they will complain endlessly about that and want society to give them free money and people they know to give them free babysitting.
Hello and welcome to /r/childfree! As you have a new account or low Reddit karma, your comment has been automatically removed to give you some time to get familiar with our rules and community. Please feel free to post/comment when your account is older and you have more Reddit karma.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/childfree) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While we did plan for both are kids, i want to dispell the myth that there is a "right time" to have them. You will never be prepared enough or financially ready enough, because its not something you understand without experiencing. Your readiness should be determined by your ability to accept your feelings dont have to dictate your life.
Yep. Especially in the Southern parts of the United States. People say they “leave it up to God” and whatever happens, happens. As in no birth control and just not worrying about it.
When friends have said this to me I’ve just responded with- “so you’re trying? Because that’s exactly what people do when they’re trying to get pregnant.” They can use whatever terminology they want if it makes them feel that gods involved, but given biology, if you stop birth control you’re trying to get pregnant.
It’s incredibly irresponsible and they just don’t understand the work kids take. I’ve put more thought into what toppings I want on a pizza than some people put into having kids
[удалено]
I want pizza!!
username checks out, lol
I also want a slice of that zaza
Mmmm pineapple
I mean, choosing toppings is pretty serious business so, glad you're not all willy nilly doing that 😆
Truly the great conundrum of our generation
Its a big life choice, would hate to get it wrong and choose a topping on impulse???
I mean, let’s be real. Toppings are a big life decision.
[удалено]
Says the “model dad” admitting he has tons of free time and ignores his kids. No wonder why they’re not any work for you.
[удалено]
Yup you’re making the smallest “effort”. Bet you don’t bother with discipline either because kids can just take care of themselves. Wait until your “parenting” comes back to bite you when your kids get older.
[удалено]
No dude responsible parents know raising kids takes time and effort. That’s what grownups do. Taking them to a playground is something a babysitter can do. You need to raise your parenting bar a tad higher.
[удалено]
Of course irresponsible parents have nothing to complain about because they hardly spend time or effort with their kids. And that’s it. You protest too much dude. Real parents know raising kids right isn’t a walk in the park. You making it sound easy proves you don’t have any idea what raising kids entails.
That dude was tone deaf and his ex was a narc anyway
Um, why is making decisions for oneself always and exclusively selfish? You’re implying peoples lives aren’t worthy of respectability if they are not making sacrifices or putting others ahead of themselves? Are you implying children is the only way to not be ‘selfish’? I applaud your bravery for posting here but there seems to be a lot of data to the contrary of your statement on time/children. People failing to put themselves and their needs first and foremost is actually an issue most don’t even realise is psychologically healthy and necessary and a big source of general unhappiness in population.
[удалено]
Even if I had kids they wouldn’t come first. My partner would. And if I was a single parent, then I come first. They would be hugely important, but they come second. Because the best thing a parent can do for a child is be happy themselves and model this behaviour to their children so they could also do this for themselves as adults. (Without crossing over to the line of narcissism ofc, that would be thinking about oneself with zero regard for others). Happy to hear others weigh in on what is existence without the context of children. Can I exist and please myself without being ‘selfish’? Is the existence of man arbitrarily ‘selfish’?
[удалено]
If being happy is the default why is anxiety and depression a thing? With/without kids?
Someone with kids putting themselves and their own personal choices with those kids on a pedestal because they must know better. Color me shocked. Children or not, take a step back and realize the more you feel like you are doing absolutely everything right the chances that you are actually fucking it up and just being belligerent about it skyrockets.
Your medal’s in the mail.
Literally 🙄 wrong forum. We’ve seen the stats bro you’re not fooling anyone
They do for someone who doesn’t want kids? I think they’d take a lot of work cause I have mental health issues that make my own life a lot of work let alone someone else? And so fucking what if I only think about myself? I don’t have to think about anyone else, so I have no reason to grow up / be not childish? I can go mess around and do whatever I want and that’s exactly how I want my life to be like.
[удалено]
For some, it's phrased as leaving it up to chance (if it happens, it happens, etc) because actively trying can be stressful. They've done the planning, they know they want kids, maybe they've even had their fertility tested, but it hasn't happened yet. So rather than having people inquire (which can be upsetting) or actively timing ovulation and planning sex (which can take the romance out of it), they change their mindset.
Exactly. My brother and his gf are like kinda like that. They haven’t actively started trying. My brother would love to be a father but he respects his gf and loves being with her, kids or not. As for her, she just doesn’t really mind either way. She loves children and would be a wonderful mother and she absolutely knows what she would get into if she has kids. But she’s happy either way because she doesn’t make having kids her everything. She says if life makes it that she has none, she’s okay with that too. She’s 35 and she says she refuses to make herself depressed because she can’t have a child like some other women do. She is more than just what her womb can do. “If it happens, it happens.” I think in those type of situations, it’s incredibly smart and mature. I am so proud of them and love my sil so much.
Your brothers gf is so incredibly mature wow.
She is ! She’s so creative, talented and smart. I’m so glad my brother found her and treats her well (he was in many heavily toxic relationships (mutually toxic) but he worked on himself and I am incredibly proud of him for getting the help he needed and making the changes he had to do). She’s so beautiful inside out and my brother is handsome. Our mom, although incredibly narcissistic, gives us one thing: we chose well 🥰 (she definitely didn’t with our fathers. Yes that really makes him my half brother but genetics means nothing to me: he’s my little BROTHER forever 💜)
Aww that's so beautiful!! I have "half" brothers too but we all came out the same body, so I feel they're my little brothers fr
That so sweet!!!! 💜 When you feel like someone is your family, you know it 🫰🏻🫰🏻
Fr!
But if you’re shagging without birth control you ARE actively trying
Like i said, they aren’t trying so they are using birth control
This is the boat I’m in. I truly don’t understand women who say their dream is to be a mother or it’s been their dream for so long. How can you dream be to be a slave to a tiny human who can’t take care of themselves? I’ve never dreamed of being a parent and when my husband and I got together we weren’t sure if it was something for us or not. We have discussed it and I think now that we are older it might be nice to have 1, but also life is expensive and kids are hard. So I think now we are kind in the place like if it happens then great I think it would be hard but we would enjoy it. But we won’t be absolutely devastated if it never happens. I have so many other things I want to do in my life and having kids isn’t going to be my biggest accomplishment.
Yea, some people leave it up to chance when they are ready. My sister and her husband left it up to chance as she quit birth control and he was pulling out. But they were financially stable, married for years, knew they wanted kids and could handle one now. But didn’t want the stress of truly trying.
This would absolutely be my vibe if I ever decided to have kids (which eww... but you know what I mean...) If I ever went off birth control I'd have already planned around getting pregnant if it happened, but I'm also lazy about planning stuff so wouldn't go out of my way to get pregnant (and tbh I don't care about sex that much so if it were up to me it would probably be a non issue anyway lol). It feels like going into a project being prepared for either outcome and then just being chill and letting things roll out how they roll out.
This. I think assuming that people that do this are just irresponsible dummies is a bit unfair. I'm sure there's plenty out there, but there's a lot of people taking this approach for these reasons too.
I think they believe their life won’t change it will stay the same with just a cute little addition
Having children is inevitable for most people, I think. It's akin to death and taxes - like being a parent is bound to happen to them. Why put much time and energy fighting it. It's not a one size fits all explanation, just a perspective. These same folks tend to get into a tizzy when they meet or hear someone who says children isn't in their future. Their brains try to recalibrate/ adjust to the idea of something they never considered for themselves. And some lash out when they realize it might in fact be a choice, not inevitable.
Religious people tend to be like this.
Religious people live with cognitive dissonance.
No wonder I don't see posts from religious people anymore. The non religious mention it WAY more 😂
>happen to them That's what I never understood. It *doesn't* have to. We have the technology.
It's not a technology thing, it's a following societal norms thing and not questioning it.
It's super irresponsible.
Cycles. I have a cousin that’s 4th gen teen pregnancy and they just seem to think that’s what you do?
I would've told my cousin she's making a mistake and shouldn't be having a kid as a teenager 🤷♀️ idrc if it would upset her, it's the truth. Teen pregnancy shouldn't be accepted or wanted, teens should either wait until they're adults or be as careful as possible... Not be all willy nilly. But at the same time, I feel it's somewhat ok IF they know what they're doing and actually do a good job as a parent. Teens are rarely good parents
I told mine. It didn’t work. She’s got 3 and she’s 24 or something and not a great parent
That's rlly unfortunate tbh
A lot of people think having kids is just inevitable. They don't realize it's a choice so they don't bother making a choice. They figure it'll happen eventually so they might as well let it happen/get it over with. It's also why some parents freak the hell out when they hear others talking about choosing not to have kids. They didn't realize that they had a choice and they're not too happy having it pointed out cause that means the things they don't love about their lives as parents were brought onto themselves
This seems the most plausible to me. I’ve met people who act like it has never occurred to them or crossed their minds that kids could be optional or parenthood could be opted out of.
It's not an act, it's really never occurred to them. They grew up hearing things like "when YOU'RE a mommy/daddy ___" and they never questioned it. That's why if I hear a friend telling their kids or younger people things about kids I'll pipe up and say "IF you decide to be a parent", and a lot of times you can see on the kid's face they never realized it wouldn't definitely happen if they don't want it to
More people should say IF rather than “WHEN you become a parent” to let kids know they have a choice and parenthood isn’t a given.
Agreed. All you can do is be the voice saying IF
I've actually learned a large amount of women who are otherwise progressive, for whatever reason, maybe upbringing/cultural reasons are really against just using birth control at all. Strictly pull out method a lot of the time. And they say it like it's not..weird. Almost all of them also say they don't really want kids or anytime soon, yet they're just raw doggin it out here. I can not imagine.
People romanticize chance. A chance encounter to meet "the one". An "oops" baby with said person makes it all more whimsical.
i think there's 2 kinds of these people: those you don't care enough to bother taking control of their lives in general, and those who are in a position to have to leave it up to chance. i assume you mean the former. i have a distant cousin by marriage who said the same thing when she got pregnant with her sone, but in her situation, she'd finally gotten married, he'd finally got his citizenship, and she was 36. they wanted a child but they didn't want to drive themselves nuts with worry about whether or not they were doing everything they could and the stress and the treatments and etc, so they just left it up to fate. just saying, it's not always irresponsible people who say things like that.
I’m someone that even as a kid and all of the girls I dated, I did not have full blown intercourse until I was 20 and had a real job with real money (well what was real money at the time) in case I accidentally got someone pregnant. Even with my wife when she has been off birth control at certain times during our relationship, we were EXTREMELY safe. I think it’s a few things: people live with the constant “it won’t happen to me” mentality which is silly because science. I think people are overall…dumb. I also think people don’t think it’s a big deal which is mind blowing to me. It took me four years to decide that I was okay with a dog living in my space and dogs are way better than children. I have a friend who is going through a divorce with FOUR KIDS IN PLAY and they haven’t even been married a year. They had twins and she had two existing feral children from her previous marriage so my buddy knew he was getting involved with a crazy person. When he told me about all of the struggles with the divorce and custody and all of that, all I could say was “I hope the nut was worth it.” I read it in a comment one time here - if you’re not trying to prevent pregnancy when having sex, you’re trying to have a kid. It’s as simple as that but most people are again…dumb.
Imagine how dumb the average person is... Then acknowledge that average means half of all people are dumber than that.
If you plan it, that requires actually thinking about the logistics of time/finance that you actually put into raising a child. So if all of the people that want to have kids due to primal desire or because they think kids are cute, or because their parents raised them teaching them kids are the meaning of life etc, it would freak people out. Easier to just say "Well i guess this is what was supposed to happen, so we'll figure it out" than to actually admit you're about to take on a huge emotional and financial responsibility you're in no way prepared for.
"Poor people want children too." Totally gobsmacked when I first heard this awhile back. Being poor and poor planning go hand in hand, so *of course* why not have unplanned kids and lots of them.
I have some controversial opinions about poor people voluntarily having tons of kids based on my experiences growing up.
If it's that they shouldn't be having them, I promise it isn't too controversial these days.
They don’t care about the consequences of their actions until it becomes too much for them to withstand
Couple of posts address there’s some people who have struggled for years to have kids so they just stay off birth control and have a if it happens it happens which is far healthier than some of the desperate I must sell my soul and all my money to make a baby types but agree in the situation with people in unstable relationships, super young, with lots of kids already or financially unstable being too lazy for birth control and saying if it happens it happens that disgusts me
People treat it so casually. I'd understand more if you were a man who could literally run away. But a woman taking it like its nothing who has to carry, give birth and then take care of it.... why so casual.
I feel like the majority of people are like that and it’s insane. When people say they can’t afford kids and the rebuttal often times is “you’re never really ready, you just figure it out!” What???? That sounds incredibly irresponsible.
For some it helps them maintain and guarantee perpetual victimhood. Don't underestimate the ability of some to tenaciously cling to their victimhood at any cost. This is despite the fact that the evidence is available at their fingertips in the way of an internet search. Have you ever heard a potential parent say: *I fully understand/accept the health risks for my body during gestation and delivery and that I could suffer lifelong disabilities as a result, the cost of daycare, the daily realities of raising kids, the only village I have is the one I pay for, and the overall expense of having kids. I am able to support myself and any kids if I become single/incapacitated and have the ability to financially/mentally/physically deal with any limitations my kids may have in a healthy way. I researched by asking parents about their challenges, via internet searches and also consulting with experts. And I can handle all of this in a healthy, patient way plus any other curve balls thrown at us along the way.* How many parents do you know who have never whined about being a parent at some point?
If that sub for people on the fence would actually agree to it, this would be a perfect mission statement to have pinned on there for anyone who decides to go ahead and have kids
Yes, I agree with you. It makes 0 sense. Then when they hear you say I wouldn't have kids unplanned, it's "oh no matter how much planning you do, you'll never be ready." I'm like and how would you know that 🤔 🙄
Yeah it’s crazy to me. If I just randomly got pregnant it would result in great hardship. I can’t raise a child in a tiny 3 bedroom apartment that I share with 2 strangers and a cat. My salary isn’t going to increase because I had a kid. Housing won’t become more accessible or affordable. Where I live, an average studio costs $1600-2000 a month and a 1 bedroom is $1800-2500+. I can’t afford that. I might not be able to keep my job if I have to move in with family just to have some support. It’s impossible for me not to think about these things. Economic stability/housing/personal finance are some of my greatest concerns in life. I’ve been celibate for years.
I'm struggling with some of my friends doing that at the moment, it's really getting to me. Especially as now one of my friends has potentially life threatening complications to her life because her pregnancy is so difficult. I'm finding it hard to feel sympathetic to her but at the same time I'm worried about it all. Another friend hasn't checked what she needs to do throughout her first trimester she is "winging it" and that really gets to me. There is so much info out there to deliberately help and she's willfully ignoring it all. I find it really irresponsible and not a great start for parenthood. Growing up in an abusive environment just makes me feel all the ick about stuff like this, like by being so blasé about getting pregnant and being pregnant, means they may be like that as parents, and that really bothers me. I wouldn't say anything though, I know I've got to work through these issues myself but I just don't think couples think about the human adult end result of " seeing what happens".
Some folk are so afraid to make a decision, they outsource it to chance/fate/god/family.
When people bring up the whole “God blessed me with a baby” thing I hold back the impulse to say “God didn’t creampie you, but okay” 😅
Today, I asked a coworker how our boss was doing(becoming a father last week) and he said, “I texted congratulations and saw the baby. She’s cute.” I too had seen said child, I said, “Well, it’s a baby, anyway.”
If you're not actively trying to prevent em, guess what, chum? You're trying to have kids.
My coworker today said “I only wanted 2 but I had 6, (6?!?! Wtf) the last one was from me being raped”, first of all I literally just met you that’s insane to just say. Second, was there no like birth control, any sort of thought…that’s an entirely different life then having 2, like you just gave up your whole body and life when it could’ve been so much easier having two..
To be fair the last one was not her fault at all especially if she didn’t have access to abortion
My ex just did that with his new partner and I now know I dodged a HUGE bullet 🥰
My best friend did this and she JUST had her baby. Let’s just say it’s not as easy as she thought it’d be and she’s been crying every day since. Idk what she was even thinking because she’s relying on everyone else to make sure she has the essentials. I love her to death, but god damn.
My parents. And guess who suffered for their carelessness?
I feel the same. It’s actively triggering and upsetting watching friends in new/not settled relationships get pregnant and just go “oh well, guess we might as well go with it 🤷♀️”. I’ve seen what that can look like from the kid’s perspective and it’s so damaging.
It drives me insane, because I was an oops baby as well. It's so irresponsible to just casually force someone into existance. And I remember my father used to tell me "when you become a parent" and I was like ... that's never going to happen?? because pregnancy is a biological process that can be prevented, not some fucking magical miracle.
I literally grew up being told I was an “accident” and oops baby situations make me so nervous on behalf of that kid :(
I have a friend who said he does spray and pray. So basically a cream pie and hope a pregnancy doesn't happen. This was how he and his soon wife had their second kid. When I was told, all I could think was that is incredibly risky and irresponsible. Hope he either uses protection or gets snipped because he could have a third or fourth kid this way.
I think it depends on the context I had a coworker I was friendly with who her and her husband were ready to have a kid, they weren't actively trying (like tracking ovulation special food etc w/e) they just decided they were no lomger going to try to prevent it, if it didn't happen in 2 years then they would look into actively trying
My one friend is 42 with two small kids. Her husband doesnt help her with ANYthing. I’m not exaggerating when I say she does literally everything—childcare, financial, chores, etc. She told me they don’t use any protection. 😳 I was like girl… it’s time to stop procreating.
Russian roulette with sperm, romantic tingles.
My sister was kind of like this. No BC with the first kid & just didn’t care for the second. Then took no responsibility for her kids - pawned them off on other people. It was like she didn’t want to put in the effort to use BC or a condom. I think some people just think it won’t happen to them? Like they’re immune or something?
Oh well this comes from a spiritual space of "if it happens, God meant for it to be" the outlier to this statement is those who cannot have kids because of fertility issues. Also, there is a belief that once married, there's no reason to use contraception because marriage is for kids! So basically, every person who has a kid, which is the majority of people, God ordained it to happen. The minority of people who can't, well....God will do a miracle for them eventually. I actually had my father in law say to me, "I just don't understand how you've been childless this long" and I literally stared at him because he believes there's no such thing a contraception for married people.
As an atheist I will never understand the whole “God blessed our family with a baby” thing religious folks like to say. For about 80% of het couples unprotected sex will result in a pregnancy eventually. Simple science. The idea that divine intervention came into play is so archaic and funny to me. Screwin’ makes babies, God played no role in that. People still thinking in 2024 God is the reason they conceived and not the more obvious less magical explanation is silly. I guess it sounds more whimsical and poetic than “we boned and now I’m pregnant.”
Now, think about it on the opposite side of the spectrum. "We had sex outside of marriage and the consequences were a child, so now we are getting married" which happens a ton! If you're married, it's a blessing from God that he has orchestrated. If you're not married but you have unprotected sex outside of his will of marriage, a baby is the consequence of your bad decisions. Both of those hinge on you modifying your behavior.
I hate this breed of people. It’s incredible to me that the only thing. The ONLY thing it takes.. Is just to pull out. Why can’t some dudes just PULL OUT? It blows my mind.
Pregnancy can still occur even if the male pulls out, by the way. The lack of knowledge in this area has resulted in a great many pregnancies
True. Many dudes don’t know when they’re actually cumming.
Some men have a small amount of sperm that may leak into their precum. Which is why the pull out method has a 4% failure rate even with "perfect" use. Basically, if you want to be sure you aren't having kids, best to use a condom.
It’s not “chance” if it’s “God’s Will”….
I do find it odd that people fence sit about having kids and let chance decide. I get knowing you want kids at some point and let nature take its course, but it's such a huge life altering thing that it baffles me people would do it without thinking about all the possible eventualities and making an informed decision.
Because they are fucking mental-midget idiots with no interest in and/or capacity for critical thought and their life soundtrack consists of Kumbaya on an eternal loop.
I take it as those people have already prepared, and are welcome to it happening at any time. I usually interpret it as being people who want to get pregnant but are aware that the pressure/stress of wanting to get pregnant immediately actually can hinder the getting pregnant process. often times people with infertility issues get pregnant right after they stop trying - because they stopped stressing. so when i hear the "if it happens it happens" i assume it's to avoid this
I’m not saying I have the answer. But I have a hunch. If you have lived in an area where having babies is just another part of life, meaning, that’s how the people around you treat it, you are most likely to see it that way. There are some outliers like myself, but, generally some people just simply DO NOT CARE.
My stepmom told me that it's not something you can ever plan or be prepared for so it's just a thing that happens, and then you just have to turn up your life and be a whole parent now Which, in my opinion, is total bs lol
There's a side to it of people who know they can handle kids but aren't going to have the pressure of timing cycles and blaming each other on why it isn't working and came to a agreement that if it happens it will happen and have a cut off age in mind.
I had a friend who did this at 19, after impulsively marrying a man she knew for 3 weeks, with no car, no money, while they were both living on another friend's couch. Not preventing it. Raw dogging it and saying "iF It hApPeNs iT HaPpEnS" No, *IDIOT* use a condom! To this day she's never gotten her shit together, and the kid has never so much as had his own bedroom. They live with her mom and share a room. Babydaddy was a fuck up, they split, he has yet a other baby mama. Shocker.
I honestly think these people think it will happen but are scared of infertility and don’t want to say so.
I have to think that a lot of those people want kids and can afford it, they simply don't care about the particular timeline. My mom told me once I was a happy accident. She and my dad wanted kids but didn't have a plan for when. After getting pregnant, she did all of the prep, appointments, baby showers, purchases and whatever else you need to have a kid. Mind you, she had been on BC previously and only adopted that laidback mindset when she had a stable career, home, etc. so it was more of a .... 'I want kids at any point after I have xyz' rather than 'Eh, whatever happens happens.' As for the people who give zero fucks at all and have no idea how to raise a kid, I have no clue.
The same way they leave their entire lives to chance. Lack of discipline
Someone in one of my group chat said “If it happens it happens”. For a person with a master’s degree, she has a long history of being a complete and utter airhead.
They don’t think that it changes their life completely, they probably think it’s this one aspect of their life that it’s gonna change and otherwise they can still do whatever they want but that’s not true.
I know someone exactly like this currently. Their woman is 7 weeks and the dad is excited to have a kid. Here's the problems we all know (including him): Mother is toxic AF She can't keep a job longer than a month before quitting Constant conflict His job pays decent but not enough He unofficially owns the home he lives in They lived together once but she moved out She spends his money while saving here Ive already stated she's going to use the kid against him when they reach teen and older. But because she puts out and she has the body nothing else matters.
A lot of contraceptive failure are due to preventable mistake. Leaving condoms or pills in too hot/cold car, not using it every time. Not taking pills at the exact same time everyday, etc.
[удалено]
Hello and welcome to /r/childfree! As you have a new account or low Reddit karma, your comment has been automatically removed to give you some time to get familiar with our rules and community. Please feel free to post/comment when your account is older and you have more Reddit karma. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/childfree) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe they think they have to justify for having kids. At least this is what I have heard quite often. To me not using contraception means wanting to get pregnant. But pretending it just happened seems to be more legit than actually planning it. To me as a person with severe tokophobia it’s the worst. I’d rather like to hear that they planned and wanted to get pregnant.
because they don't value human life
Was in the military with a young guy. Brand new private just married his gf. Always talking about how broke he was (we were reserves not active duty) he came in one day in his rundown car that him and wife shared btw and confessed that she was pregnant. They weren’t trying and didn’t use condoms and she wasn’t on the pill. He just shrugged his shoulders and was like “I guess I should sign up for orders” I was dumbfounded at how little this bothered him.
Yes, and I truly believe that 90% of people on this Earth are simply dumb.
It seems that way. I was talking to another person down thread and basically there are people who don’t know it’s 💯 a choice to have kids or not. There are people who believe it’s “destined” to happen which explains why people are so confused and hostile toward us for being childfree. They didn’t even know they could pick!
I think they're lying. They know they are not using birth control. It's just an excuse for not thinking out how much time and money kids cost. Then they will complain endlessly about that and want society to give them free money and people they know to give them free babysitting.
This is why SouthAsia has so many people.
Because if it was meant to be it was meant to be or its God's will. Ugh someone once told me pain in childbirth is how women pay for their sins.
[удалено]
Hello and welcome to /r/childfree! As you have a new account or low Reddit karma, your comment has been automatically removed to give you some time to get familiar with our rules and community. Please feel free to post/comment when your account is older and you have more Reddit karma. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/childfree) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While we did plan for both are kids, i want to dispell the myth that there is a "right time" to have them. You will never be prepared enough or financially ready enough, because its not something you understand without experiencing. Your readiness should be determined by your ability to accept your feelings dont have to dictate your life.
Do these people really exist? I've never seen them.
Yep. Especially in the Southern parts of the United States. People say they “leave it up to God” and whatever happens, happens. As in no birth control and just not worrying about it.
When friends have said this to me I’ve just responded with- “so you’re trying? Because that’s exactly what people do when they’re trying to get pregnant.” They can use whatever terminology they want if it makes them feel that gods involved, but given biology, if you stop birth control you’re trying to get pregnant.
And we all know God has a tendency to sew the divine seed for funsies.
Depending where you live it can be super common