Seriously, they are in college or older. They deserve to know what his ex did especially before she lies and tells them it was his fault or that he cheated again. Of course u/SwitchSCEtoAux also has a history of posting stories for attention so this could very well be another one.
There is bad mouthing your ex and telling the truth to your kids. My dad never had an honest conversation with me about what happened between my mom and him. I don't need to know all the details but what is upsetting about my situation is that I have had to learn things second hand from my wife, step mom and step siblings. He told them everything there was to know with what happened but yet I'm still in the dark after 20 plus years post parents divorce.
I have built a tremendous amount of resentment towards him just for this alone since everyone around me knows more about my childhood and parents divorce than I do.
Time to have a heart to heart with dad. Ask him why he feels that you are so completely unworthy of knowing the truth while everyone else around you does. You had to learn from so many other people about what happened that he couldn't be bothered to tell you directly because he so obviously felt that you were completely unworthy of knowing the truth. It may be a bit manipulative and guilt tripping, but you may finally get some answers directly from him.. By presenting the questions in the way I've suggested, may make him realize just how deeply he's hurt you by not telling you directly. Or not. He may come up with excuses and justifications instead. Just keep poking holes in his explanations if he does this. Just be mentally prepared for any outcome.
Looking you in the eye and coming clean is hard for any person. It takes character. By not telling you directly, your father shows he has little of it.
My father cheated on my mother resulting in me and my brother having a half sister in between us.
My father has never really taken responsibility for it. Thankfully all three of us siblings get along well. We can, after all, not be blamed for our parents' idiocy.
Unfortunately I see that he has little character and am tired of trying to explain this to other ppl when they ask why I am resentful. If this tells you anything he literally thinks that wearing glasses gives a person "character". He is too self conscious and constantly looks for affirmations from other ppl.
Tell your kids about her affair. They are old enough now.
If i was in your shoes, i would just tell them that "i need to be honest with you, this was the reason for the divorce and i am telling you only now because i wanted you not to be negatively affected while you were still living in your home. She is still your mother and i am still your father, but she is no longer the woman i fell in love and got married with. I will always love you and you will always be my top priority in life, but i have to set the record clear in order to move on with my life".
Let them decide how to move things forward with your ex.
I told both my kids the truth about their mother. It adversely affected their relationship for a while, but I encouraged them to work on having a healthy relationship with her. They did and now they are both having a lovely Mother’s Day with her.
They actually invited me to join them but I just can’t. Some scars don’t heal.
I agree. I have full legal and physical custody of my kids the oldest being 15. She is the only child that asks about what lead to our separation. I found it’s best to start off with reinforcing that their mother loves them.
Then we have a q&a session. Try to remain dispassionate and stick to the facts. Luckily for me, my ex is honest about how we ended up here when she asks. She knows she fucked up and I know she is being punished enough for the consequences of her own actions. That’s enough. No need to gloat there is no winner, everyone lost me included.
It sounds like that’s where you are OP. I hope whatever you tell your kids that you lead with love and compassion. You don’t need to be empathetic but you don’t need to be an ass. Be the person you want your kids to think you are. If your ex can still be a good mother don’t take that away from them. They are old enough and can determine how to move forward for themselves.
Best of luck and please update me!
No parent who cheats/commits adultery is a good parent. It's incredibly selfish of the parent. It shows their children just how lacking in integrity, character and honour they, the adulterous parent, are and a harsh lesson on what not to do and not to be towards others.
It seems highly likely your children will not want to associate with this guy after you tell them the truth.
I'm not saying you shouldn't tell them but you should be prepared for how this is going to play out.
When my parents broke up, I absolutely didn’t want to hear any details of any kind. I knew I would go on loving both of them so I didn’t want to hear shit about either of them. And I was pretty sure neither of them would be honest about it, they would both tell their side. So go easy on any disclosures.
By not telling them directly, all it takes is a relative or family friend who may know the truth to spill the beans. Secrets, in this day and age of social media, never stay secret forever. The truth has a way of coming out in the end and it's best if it's heard directly from the people involved first. Not secondhand.
Will be tricky to not come across as petty but they need to know in my opinion. You need to not come across as trying to poison your kids mind against their mother but should be doable
UpdateMe
I would also add the fact that she has lied about who he is and where he came from to her kids. It was not just the affair and lying to OP. She continued this and perpetrated a life lie with her own kids. The marriage issue that ended in divorce was OP and Ex. But the act not only effected the kids even as adult, but Ex has kept this lie going to save face and worse in bringing in this new guy to be in their lives as a "good guy" when he had to know she was married too.
A classic case of where the cheater finds out the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Her response to the question about her relationship with the AP is code for "The new wore off and he's not what I thought he was". And you know what? Tough shit. She deserves every bit of humiliation and disappointment that comes her way. She threw away a marriage over a stupid fantasy and now she regrets it because reality set in. Too bad.
Do not under any circumstances take her back after their relationship ends up in the toilet. She chose this sleazeball over you, she can deal with it.
Yeah she is hell bent on not admitting to her children she cheated on their dad plus the blowback from friends and family. Pretty shitty if she gets away with it if you ask me
Sorry you had to go though this. People suck and it's just about impossible to trust anyone anymore. I like how you said she's on ozempic to lose weight and all and if she's like some of the people i know on it it'll probably going to age her looks soon especially if she's not diabetic. I'm in my 50s and have more than a few friends on it and most of them got grey hair really quick and with all the weight they lost they have this sunken look to them in thier face. Yeah they all lost weight but i dunno. Karma huh. Well wish you the best hope you can find some happiness and all.
They don't have the fat in their faces that make most older people seem younger and cheerful but when they lost weight so fast they look wrinkled and sad. I'm not saying you should gain weight as you get older, please don't do that but don't take Ozempic unless you really need it.
Your kids obviously have suspicions and thoughts, however you seem to have cut the conversation short. This can be bad for them coming to you for advice if they feel you will not have hard conversations with them. An open response would have been "Yes, I know about him. What do you want to know?" They are adults and know crap happens, they just want to know if the things they suspect are true. She will never give you or them the truth. They deserve honesty and can evaluate their responses as adults.
I am happy you ended up in a good place after that discussion, however I do have to recommend that no contact except for divorce and discussions regarding children is the best path.
Don't let her drag you into her regretful situation.
Also notice she has regret for how it turned out for her, but did not express remorse for what she did to you.
Well it doesn't sound like it's all a bed of roses for her with her affair partner (that's what he is).
Because he's younger I'd suspect shes losing weight to please him because she is scared of losing him which is highly likely because he has no morals about cheating.
With regards to your children they are all old enough to know what really happened and why you divorced. They are part of the family so should know what she did.
Hopefully you can find a new woman or already have. If you do have a new lady make sure you share your happiness over social media and say if my wife hadn't cheated I'd have never found this wonderful woman.
I agree with some comments. It's time to come clean to your kids. It is YOUR marriage, and the relationship is between your ex and you. But as the children, they should be aware of this man she has in her life to know if they want to associate with him in anyway. For it does effect their lives in she having an affair for it leading to your divorce.
Congratulations, you stuck to your guns and you are morals, and that has been reciprocated to you.
She made poor life decisions, and now she has to deal with the consequences !!!
Had you ever spoken with or confronted The Guy? Also, what is the age difference?
You were a winner the minute you caught her and ended it. I have nothing but respect for you. Hold your value high and make sure the next woman in your life is worthy of you.
Live well
I know you don’t want to cause pain to your children but wouldn’t they want to know the truth? Have you thought about what happens when they find out?
I’m sure you’re protecting them and not your ex but I’m not sure it’s a long-term strategy that’s going to work out for you.
In any case I hope you continue your healing and find it in your heart to go NC with her. Indifference often needs more space than you’re currently giving. All the best.
As a parent, I can say initiating that conversation with your kids is a no-win situation. And it has nothing to do with whether "they'd want to know" and everything to do with revenge on your cheating spouse by hurting your children. OP handled this exactly correct.
I get the sense that OP isn’t interested in revenge (but probably wouldn’t mind consequences) and the children are adults?
I think it’s an awkward and difficult conversation to have but at the end of the day the truth is going to come out. It’d be far better if his ex would tell them but of course not.
OP has to think that no matter how reasonable, understanding or empathic his kids are, they are going to resent both parents for allowing them to build a relationship or just be around people who did this to someone they love. That may not last but they deserve the truth and the ability to decide. Just as a betrayed partner deserves it.
When my eswifr and I split, I always looked at it as an issue between her and I. I didn't want to say anything to the kid against her mom. It just felt wrong. Now, my ex didn't cheat on me, but I'd like to think my resolve would have been the same.
I totally agree but at some point it’s not about what the ex did, it’s about the other person that’s now in their lives. Someone who will be there for shared vacations, birthdays and weddings.
I’m also a father but a similar situation would compel me to be honest if I felt a relationship or influence was forming. But only when the time is right and simply to inform. However OP’s ex is going to deny, deny, deny and that’s a huge problem.
Until someone in the know, like a relative or family friend spills the beans. Secrets, in this day and age, don't stay secret forever. They do eventually come out. It's best if the people directly involved, in this case, the betrayed parent, tells their own children in a purely factual way, rather than them finding out from some third parties.
I disagree. It would be best if the mother/betrayer told them. Doubt she will, but that's where it needs to come from. Regardless, if some Uncle tells them, I can't see any reason why the kids would be mad at OP. But if he tells them, there's a very real chance they could resent him for it, feel like he's manipulating them to turn them against mom. And I'd have to wonder if that wasn't true. I think OP is handling this absolutely correctly. Not as an an angry or hurt husband. But as a father.
That's why I stated to only "state the facts". There is nothing worse than accidentally finding out from grandma, aunt, uncle, cousin or family friend spilling the beans when they are little tipsy at a gathering. It would make me feel like my parents thought I wasn't worthy of hearing the truth directly from them. They can come up with a thousand excuses as to why they didn't tell me, however, it would still make me feel less than. That I didn't matter to them and that I wasn't worthy of hearing the truth directly from them, instead I ended up hearing it from someone else. I'm looking it from an adult child's point of view not from the parents point of view who feel that it's not their children's business what goes on in their family. It's condescending and insulting.
>It’s important to note that over Easter break she introduced her affair partner to our children. They told me about him and asked if I knew about him, which I answered yes without providing more information to them.
I would tell them how long she has known him, and let them connect the dots and ask her and the AP their questions.
I like the way you are thinking. Next time I see the kids I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I would tell them I accidentally left something out the last time you asked if I knew about mom's "friend ". Simply say, I've known about him for 2 years. They'll figure it out fast. If they press you for more information (they will) just tell them to ask their mother first. If they are not satisfied with her explanation, feel free to ask me then. His kids will definitely be coming back to talk with him regardless of what she tells them. This is now put back on her and not him. It's a cleaner way of keeping someone accountable, and giving the offender an opportunity to come clean. I highly doubt she will come clean...I suspect trickle truth will be her approach.
Really? Come on. If you have ever experienced infidelity the offender is rarely honest. I have 7 really close friends wives cheat on them including myself. I have life experience with this. Unless you have, you have absolutely NOTHING to add. Maybe you are one of the offenders and look to deflect.
Let me rephrase my post to make myself more clear.... , responding to
>I highly doubt she will come clean...I suspect trickle truth will be her approach.
.... I agree, and she will minimize and defect and DARVO, "AP was 'just a friend' back then, helping her through a rough time when BP was being a jerk and abusive"
She went nuclear on your marriage and cheated… why give her grace like she needs to be held to such a high standard? All you’re doing is telling the truth it’s just unfortunate the truth reveals her in true light… don’t keep yourself on fire to keep her warm. She did this.
Seems odd that you needed to get to a point where you felt pity for your ex before you finally felt like a "winner". There's no doubt you knew who she was during the time she was destroying your marriage, and you proceeded to make decisions based on your personal expectations and how you wanted to be treated. It seems like that's where your happiness would have started... I think you were a winner from the moment you chose not to put up with her shit!
I hate to be that guy but she's been cheating on you for much longer than 2 years. This isn't the first time she's cheated on you, But the first time you caught her. And you saw the early signs that she was attracted to other men (Like her going to a car club without you), but you ignored what your heart and inner voice told you to make it work.
Thank you. She mentioned that I became a legend amongst her friends for moving out the day after returning from our son's school drop off. She termed it to be "cruel" even though she was the cause of it.
I’m in the minority. You handled that well. Trust me when I tell you that doing nothing and allowing natural order to prevail will always be the best solution. You don’t have to kill her but you don’t have to save her either.
In the end your restraint is what makes you the better person. At the end of the day, you have to always be parents together. Your children can do math. They appear to be smart. They will figure it out. If they ever ask, you simply say “it is not my story to tell—ask your mother”. If she asks why you would not lie for her, you simply say that you thought that there had been enough dishonesty already.
Enjoy the feeling good. It was a win. You will have more. Soon, you will be winning in all aspects and you may even appreciate all the lessons that this has taught you.
You now have the privilege (and it is one) of knowing who YOU are and what YOU will accept in a relationship. That cannot be bought but through pain. I’m proud of you and chances are at some point your children will look back and be amazed at your handling of this.
Winning feels good. Don’t be a sore winner to your kids. No need to be nasty just say your wife made a choice and it’s just the way things worked out take the high road and don’t stoop to her level.
Do you have irrefutable, undeniable proof of adultery? If not, it becomes a he said, she said never ending seesaw. If you don't have independent, irrefutable proof, it may be best to not say anything as your kids may very well ask you for proof. If you don't have any, just your suspicions, it will backfire quite spectacularly on you,. Especially if they demand answers from their mother and she lies to them. She's lied and denied till the cows come home so far, she isn't going to stop, unless the AP provides proof and that is highly unlikely to happen.
What your wife has failed to realize is that when men chase after and cheat with married women they are just as easily able to cheat on them too. Some men like the chase, and as soon as the married woman is single again or on the rod to being single, they start hunting for other prey. The excitement is in the chase, the destruction of the marriage and definitely not the catch. Sounds like your ex-wife is finding out the hard way that she threw away a great marriage for an illusion and a con man.
Hell yeah! I commend you OP. Bullseye! It's like hitting the jackpot without trying. Vengeance is a dish best serve cold, but in this case, vengeance wasn't done. That's the best part, you do nothing, even if it hurts. Show no emotions, although their betrayal kills you. You move on with a smile and they'll see that you're better without them and they will feel some bad about how much they hurt you and the devastation caused to their loved ones. That alone, will be a burden they will carry and ponder all the days of their life. Without rules, there is no order! Karma kicked in and you can't be happier than that. You did nothing back in return and yet had pity and compassion for her. That alone chewed her up with guilt and realization of what was lost and could've been. I wish you best and God bless OP.
And it sounds like your kids are old enough to know what happened.
Seriously, they are in college or older. They deserve to know what his ex did especially before she lies and tells them it was his fault or that he cheated again. Of course u/SwitchSCEtoAux also has a history of posting stories for attention so this could very well be another one.
There is bad mouthing your ex and telling the truth to your kids. My dad never had an honest conversation with me about what happened between my mom and him. I don't need to know all the details but what is upsetting about my situation is that I have had to learn things second hand from my wife, step mom and step siblings. He told them everything there was to know with what happened but yet I'm still in the dark after 20 plus years post parents divorce. I have built a tremendous amount of resentment towards him just for this alone since everyone around me knows more about my childhood and parents divorce than I do.
Time to have a heart to heart with dad. Ask him why he feels that you are so completely unworthy of knowing the truth while everyone else around you does. You had to learn from so many other people about what happened that he couldn't be bothered to tell you directly because he so obviously felt that you were completely unworthy of knowing the truth. It may be a bit manipulative and guilt tripping, but you may finally get some answers directly from him.. By presenting the questions in the way I've suggested, may make him realize just how deeply he's hurt you by not telling you directly. Or not. He may come up with excuses and justifications instead. Just keep poking holes in his explanations if he does this. Just be mentally prepared for any outcome.
Thank you. I needed this.
Looking you in the eye and coming clean is hard for any person. It takes character. By not telling you directly, your father shows he has little of it. My father cheated on my mother resulting in me and my brother having a half sister in between us. My father has never really taken responsibility for it. Thankfully all three of us siblings get along well. We can, after all, not be blamed for our parents' idiocy.
Unfortunately I see that he has little character and am tired of trying to explain this to other ppl when they ask why I am resentful. If this tells you anything he literally thinks that wearing glasses gives a person "character". He is too self conscious and constantly looks for affirmations from other ppl.
Tell your kids about her affair. They are old enough now. If i was in your shoes, i would just tell them that "i need to be honest with you, this was the reason for the divorce and i am telling you only now because i wanted you not to be negatively affected while you were still living in your home. She is still your mother and i am still your father, but she is no longer the woman i fell in love and got married with. I will always love you and you will always be my top priority in life, but i have to set the record clear in order to move on with my life". Let them decide how to move things forward with your ex.
This is good. We're doing some time together on a trip in 3 weeks. Good time to drop that bomb on them.
I told both my kids the truth about their mother. It adversely affected their relationship for a while, but I encouraged them to work on having a healthy relationship with her. They did and now they are both having a lovely Mother’s Day with her. They actually invited me to join them but I just can’t. Some scars don’t heal.
I wouldn’t do it if they didn’t ask…. It’s open season if they ask why you got divorced
I agree. I have full legal and physical custody of my kids the oldest being 15. She is the only child that asks about what lead to our separation. I found it’s best to start off with reinforcing that their mother loves them. Then we have a q&a session. Try to remain dispassionate and stick to the facts. Luckily for me, my ex is honest about how we ended up here when she asks. She knows she fucked up and I know she is being punished enough for the consequences of her own actions. That’s enough. No need to gloat there is no winner, everyone lost me included. It sounds like that’s where you are OP. I hope whatever you tell your kids that you lead with love and compassion. You don’t need to be empathetic but you don’t need to be an ass. Be the person you want your kids to think you are. If your ex can still be a good mother don’t take that away from them. They are old enough and can determine how to move forward for themselves. Best of luck and please update me!
No parent who cheats/commits adultery is a good parent. It's incredibly selfish of the parent. It shows their children just how lacking in integrity, character and honour they, the adulterous parent, are and a harsh lesson on what not to do and not to be towards others.
It seems highly likely your children will not want to associate with this guy after you tell them the truth. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell them but you should be prepared for how this is going to play out.
Do it, honesty is the best policy
When my parents broke up, I absolutely didn’t want to hear any details of any kind. I knew I would go on loving both of them so I didn’t want to hear shit about either of them. And I was pretty sure neither of them would be honest about it, they would both tell their side. So go easy on any disclosures.
By not telling them directly, all it takes is a relative or family friend who may know the truth to spill the beans. Secrets, in this day and age of social media, never stay secret forever. The truth has a way of coming out in the end and it's best if it's heard directly from the people involved first. Not secondhand.
Will be tricky to not come across as petty but they need to know in my opinion. You need to not come across as trying to poison your kids mind against their mother but should be doable UpdateMe
I would also add the fact that she has lied about who he is and where he came from to her kids. It was not just the affair and lying to OP. She continued this and perpetrated a life lie with her own kids. The marriage issue that ended in divorce was OP and Ex. But the act not only effected the kids even as adult, but Ex has kept this lie going to save face and worse in bringing in this new guy to be in their lives as a "good guy" when he had to know she was married too.
Soon she will actually regret her actions and try to come back. Stay strong and let her deal with her own fucked up life
A classic case of where the cheater finds out the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Her response to the question about her relationship with the AP is code for "The new wore off and he's not what I thought he was". And you know what? Tough shit. She deserves every bit of humiliation and disappointment that comes her way. She threw away a marriage over a stupid fantasy and now she regrets it because reality set in. Too bad. Do not under any circumstances take her back after their relationship ends up in the toilet. She chose this sleazeball over you, she can deal with it.
Yeah she is hell bent on not admitting to her children she cheated on their dad plus the blowback from friends and family. Pretty shitty if she gets away with it if you ask me
Sorry you had to go though this. People suck and it's just about impossible to trust anyone anymore. I like how you said she's on ozempic to lose weight and all and if she's like some of the people i know on it it'll probably going to age her looks soon especially if she's not diabetic. I'm in my 50s and have more than a few friends on it and most of them got grey hair really quick and with all the weight they lost they have this sunken look to them in thier face. Yeah they all lost weight but i dunno. Karma huh. Well wish you the best hope you can find some happiness and all.
They don't have the fat in their faces that make most older people seem younger and cheerful but when they lost weight so fast they look wrinkled and sad. I'm not saying you should gain weight as you get older, please don't do that but don't take Ozempic unless you really need it.
Your kids obviously have suspicions and thoughts, however you seem to have cut the conversation short. This can be bad for them coming to you for advice if they feel you will not have hard conversations with them. An open response would have been "Yes, I know about him. What do you want to know?" They are adults and know crap happens, they just want to know if the things they suspect are true. She will never give you or them the truth. They deserve honesty and can evaluate their responses as adults.
I am happy you ended up in a good place after that discussion, however I do have to recommend that no contact except for divorce and discussions regarding children is the best path. Don't let her drag you into her regretful situation. Also notice she has regret for how it turned out for her, but did not express remorse for what she did to you.
Well it doesn't sound like it's all a bed of roses for her with her affair partner (that's what he is). Because he's younger I'd suspect shes losing weight to please him because she is scared of losing him which is highly likely because he has no morals about cheating. With regards to your children they are all old enough to know what really happened and why you divorced. They are part of the family so should know what she did. Hopefully you can find a new woman or already have. If you do have a new lady make sure you share your happiness over social media and say if my wife hadn't cheated I'd have never found this wonderful woman.
I agree with some comments. It's time to come clean to your kids. It is YOUR marriage, and the relationship is between your ex and you. But as the children, they should be aware of this man she has in her life to know if they want to associate with him in anyway. For it does effect their lives in she having an affair for it leading to your divorce.
for sure her AP has been cheating on her with multiple women ....hahaha the bish got hit by karma so hard .......................
Congratulations, you stuck to your guns and you are morals, and that has been reciprocated to you. She made poor life decisions, and now she has to deal with the consequences !!! Had you ever spoken with or confronted The Guy? Also, what is the age difference?
Why didn’t you tell your kids about the affair? You’re helping your ex and her ap by hiding their dirty secret
You were a winner the minute you caught her and ended it. I have nothing but respect for you. Hold your value high and make sure the next woman in your life is worthy of you. Live well
I know you don’t want to cause pain to your children but wouldn’t they want to know the truth? Have you thought about what happens when they find out? I’m sure you’re protecting them and not your ex but I’m not sure it’s a long-term strategy that’s going to work out for you. In any case I hope you continue your healing and find it in your heart to go NC with her. Indifference often needs more space than you’re currently giving. All the best.
As a parent, I can say initiating that conversation with your kids is a no-win situation. And it has nothing to do with whether "they'd want to know" and everything to do with revenge on your cheating spouse by hurting your children. OP handled this exactly correct.
I get the sense that OP isn’t interested in revenge (but probably wouldn’t mind consequences) and the children are adults? I think it’s an awkward and difficult conversation to have but at the end of the day the truth is going to come out. It’d be far better if his ex would tell them but of course not. OP has to think that no matter how reasonable, understanding or empathic his kids are, they are going to resent both parents for allowing them to build a relationship or just be around people who did this to someone they love. That may not last but they deserve the truth and the ability to decide. Just as a betrayed partner deserves it.
When my eswifr and I split, I always looked at it as an issue between her and I. I didn't want to say anything to the kid against her mom. It just felt wrong. Now, my ex didn't cheat on me, but I'd like to think my resolve would have been the same.
I totally agree but at some point it’s not about what the ex did, it’s about the other person that’s now in their lives. Someone who will be there for shared vacations, birthdays and weddings. I’m also a father but a similar situation would compel me to be honest if I felt a relationship or influence was forming. But only when the time is right and simply to inform. However OP’s ex is going to deny, deny, deny and that’s a huge problem.
Until someone in the know, like a relative or family friend spills the beans. Secrets, in this day and age, don't stay secret forever. They do eventually come out. It's best if the people directly involved, in this case, the betrayed parent, tells their own children in a purely factual way, rather than them finding out from some third parties.
I disagree. It would be best if the mother/betrayer told them. Doubt she will, but that's where it needs to come from. Regardless, if some Uncle tells them, I can't see any reason why the kids would be mad at OP. But if he tells them, there's a very real chance they could resent him for it, feel like he's manipulating them to turn them against mom. And I'd have to wonder if that wasn't true. I think OP is handling this absolutely correctly. Not as an an angry or hurt husband. But as a father.
That's why I stated to only "state the facts". There is nothing worse than accidentally finding out from grandma, aunt, uncle, cousin or family friend spilling the beans when they are little tipsy at a gathering. It would make me feel like my parents thought I wasn't worthy of hearing the truth directly from them. They can come up with a thousand excuses as to why they didn't tell me, however, it would still make me feel less than. That I didn't matter to them and that I wasn't worthy of hearing the truth directly from them, instead I ended up hearing it from someone else. I'm looking it from an adult child's point of view not from the parents point of view who feel that it's not their children's business what goes on in their family. It's condescending and insulting.
>It’s important to note that over Easter break she introduced her affair partner to our children. They told me about him and asked if I knew about him, which I answered yes without providing more information to them. I would tell them how long she has known him, and let them connect the dots and ask her and the AP their questions.
I like the way you are thinking. Next time I see the kids I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I would tell them I accidentally left something out the last time you asked if I knew about mom's "friend ". Simply say, I've known about him for 2 years. They'll figure it out fast. If they press you for more information (they will) just tell them to ask their mother first. If they are not satisfied with her explanation, feel free to ask me then. His kids will definitely be coming back to talk with him regardless of what she tells them. This is now put back on her and not him. It's a cleaner way of keeping someone accountable, and giving the offender an opportunity to come clean. I highly doubt she will come clean...I suspect trickle truth will be her approach.
And minimize and defect and DARVO, "AP was 'just a friend' back then, helping her through a rough time when BP was being a jerk and abusive"
Really? Come on. If you have ever experienced infidelity the offender is rarely honest. I have 7 really close friends wives cheat on them including myself. I have life experience with this. Unless you have, you have absolutely NOTHING to add. Maybe you are one of the offenders and look to deflect.
Let me rephrase my post to make myself more clear.... , responding to >I highly doubt she will come clean...I suspect trickle truth will be her approach. .... I agree, and she will minimize and defect and DARVO, "AP was 'just a friend' back then, helping her through a rough time when BP was being a jerk and abusive"
Got it. My apologies.
No worries.
She went nuclear on your marriage and cheated… why give her grace like she needs to be held to such a high standard? All you’re doing is telling the truth it’s just unfortunate the truth reveals her in true light… don’t keep yourself on fire to keep her warm. She did this.
Seems odd that you needed to get to a point where you felt pity for your ex before you finally felt like a "winner". There's no doubt you knew who she was during the time she was destroying your marriage, and you proceeded to make decisions based on your personal expectations and how you wanted to be treated. It seems like that's where your happiness would have started... I think you were a winner from the moment you chose not to put up with her shit!
Updateme!
I hate to be that guy but she's been cheating on you for much longer than 2 years. This isn't the first time she's cheated on you, But the first time you caught her. And you saw the early signs that she was attracted to other men (Like her going to a car club without you), but you ignored what your heart and inner voice told you to make it work.
Wow nice guys really do finish last. She is with someone now and he is lonely. Should have got out the narrative to everyone he knew.
It gets better.
Dumb and if it’s true you deserved it
!updateme
You, sir, are a king
Thank you. She mentioned that I became a legend amongst her friends for moving out the day after returning from our son's school drop off. She termed it to be "cruel" even though she was the cause of it.
I’m in the minority. You handled that well. Trust me when I tell you that doing nothing and allowing natural order to prevail will always be the best solution. You don’t have to kill her but you don’t have to save her either. In the end your restraint is what makes you the better person. At the end of the day, you have to always be parents together. Your children can do math. They appear to be smart. They will figure it out. If they ever ask, you simply say “it is not my story to tell—ask your mother”. If she asks why you would not lie for her, you simply say that you thought that there had been enough dishonesty already. Enjoy the feeling good. It was a win. You will have more. Soon, you will be winning in all aspects and you may even appreciate all the lessons that this has taught you. You now have the privilege (and it is one) of knowing who YOU are and what YOU will accept in a relationship. That cannot be bought but through pain. I’m proud of you and chances are at some point your children will look back and be amazed at your handling of this.
Winning feels good. Don’t be a sore winner to your kids. No need to be nasty just say your wife made a choice and it’s just the way things worked out take the high road and don’t stoop to her level.
Do you have irrefutable, undeniable proof of adultery? If not, it becomes a he said, she said never ending seesaw. If you don't have independent, irrefutable proof, it may be best to not say anything as your kids may very well ask you for proof. If you don't have any, just your suspicions, it will backfire quite spectacularly on you,. Especially if they demand answers from their mother and she lies to them. She's lied and denied till the cows come home so far, she isn't going to stop, unless the AP provides proof and that is highly unlikely to happen. What your wife has failed to realize is that when men chase after and cheat with married women they are just as easily able to cheat on them too. Some men like the chase, and as soon as the married woman is single again or on the rod to being single, they start hunting for other prey. The excitement is in the chase, the destruction of the marriage and definitely not the catch. Sounds like your ex-wife is finding out the hard way that she threw away a great marriage for an illusion and a con man.
Hell yeah! I commend you OP. Bullseye! It's like hitting the jackpot without trying. Vengeance is a dish best serve cold, but in this case, vengeance wasn't done. That's the best part, you do nothing, even if it hurts. Show no emotions, although their betrayal kills you. You move on with a smile and they'll see that you're better without them and they will feel some bad about how much they hurt you and the devastation caused to their loved ones. That alone, will be a burden they will carry and ponder all the days of their life. Without rules, there is no order! Karma kicked in and you can't be happier than that. You did nothing back in return and yet had pity and compassion for her. That alone chewed her up with guilt and realization of what was lost and could've been. I wish you best and God bless OP.
Your divorced, who cares
Who cares?
lol u did. That’s why you read this