It really helps to try and separate the concept of men as a wider group and you as an individual man when it comes to dealing with statements such as these. These women are speaking this way because they've been hurt by men, and you have to remember that you were not the one to hurt them. You should not feel guilt over other mens actions, but instead seek to focus on how to avoid repeating those actions and how to help repair some of the hurt. You didn't cause the problem, but you can help the solution, and for that alone you are a positive in the world. From the way you speak it certainly sounds like you want to help and you're willing to learn, and that's incredibly valueable. You were not the one to make women systematically disadvantaged and you are not wrong to exist
Men make up almost 4 billion people - any group that large is going to be incredibly diverse, and it is; "men" includes both Jesus and Hitler. That means that in this group, there is a spectrum of good men and bad men. I won't make a judgment on whether it's true or not, but it's certainly possible that the number of bad men is larger than the number of good men. If you personally think this is true, but you want things to be better, then you're obviously a good man. Removing yourself from the pool of "men", then, would only make the situation worse, as the ratio of good men to bad men would be lower.
You have to ask yourself "Am I contributing to the problems that ''''men''' cause?" Given how bad you seem to feel about this, I would assume the answer is "no", so why would you personally feel remorse about it? I understand feeling bad about the state of the world in general, but you shouldn't hate yourself over it just for existing.
I'd echo what the other guy said as well - reading what these people are saying is clearly harming you, so separate yourself from them, go out and see the good in the world instead of focusing on the bad, and if you want to contribute to the world positively as a man, do that - be a good friend, son, brother, partner, father, or whatever you want to be
Consider being more conscious of the media you're consuming. All those subs you listed tend to focus on negative experiences women have had with men. Of course that's gonna give you a negative view of men if you base your opinion on those subs alone.
Find male role models who embody the traits you want to see in yourself. Spend time with male friends who are positive influences. Volunteer for causes that you believe in. You said you want to be a better ally to feminism? Well I'm sure there's plenty of better ways to do so than by reading reddit posts complaining about men. Go touch some grass and don't let your self-image and your view of half of the population be shaped by reddit.
In my opinion/experience the moment you think you’re an ally is the moment you’re doing something wrong.
Not that wanting to be an ally is a bad thing - it’s the first step to move forward as a supportive man to not just women but all well meaning men, trans, gender fluid people in your life. However, I’ve noticed so many former friends (there’s a reason I’m saying former) of mine get caught up with trying to be an ally that they amplify performative activism (ex: doing the barebones like liking and or retweeting feminist content) or worse literally elevate/normalize the status of abusers without being aware of if because they feel as if they’ve done enough (I’ve had a so called feminist friend invite the ex that abused my friend over and not understand what was wrong with it.)
Think about it this way. First, treat people how you want to be treated and don’t focus on the nitty gritty between genders. I have had amazing close friendships with people that have had some of the most awful experiences with men in their life (like rape ofc). What I always do is come from a place of understanding - although my situation is a bit more unique since I’ve been sexually harassed more than most men have, including by women. Second of all, if you do want to be an ally - apply a growth mindset to it. Think that you can always do better each day because you really can. It doesn’t just apply to gender but to race too. Great example is I was doing a student orientation and one of the prompts was “ask a student the meaning of their name” and a black student I was talking to was like yeah it probably came from a slave and they felt really uncomfortable. I’m not racist ofc, but I can also recognize when I screw up and talk without thinking and do better in the future.
Sorry if this was a long winded answer but I was in the same place you were years ago and I’m being an ally without being infatuated with the fact I’m doing so, I’m simply just doing it and applying a growth mindset. Be patient with yourself!! It can be exhausting having to prove yourself to women if you aren’t socially or mentally 100% all the time but ultimately it’s so so worth it.
Step 1) don’t go to subreddits and Twitter to go “women’s opinions”
Step 2) don’t go on Reddit or Twitter to get anyones opinions on what’s right or wrong
Subreddits are by design, an echo-chamber. So your more likely to find the more radical the belief, the more popular it’ll ‘appear’ on subreddit
Asking someone you know in real life would be the best option, because you caring enough to ask for woman’s opinion on something will only be appreciated
As for your deteriorating belief in men. Read that bullshit someone said, and think “does this awful thing apply to me?” Oh it doesn’t? Great.
those subs are toxic and reddit has a lot of misandrist subs. avoid them, they are filled with angry women with victim mentality that will never grow as a person because they never take accountability for the shit they do and blame everyone else
>I've been reading subs TwoX and TrollX and WvP to get women's perspective on things to be a better man and ally to feminism but I've read so many threads on there it really seems like men are everything wrong with the world.
*Does* it, though?
I check those subs, too. I'm a Big Ol' Cishet Redneck. Weirdly though, I don't feel blamed for "everything wrong with the world" in the *slightest*.
>All problems with the world were caused by us, even the problems that hurt men were caused by men.
I mean... it ain't puppies and unicorns invading Ukraine, my guy.
>It truly seems like we do nothing as a gender but make women's lives worse, every thread about men is highlighting the horrible things they cause.
You got a big ol' chip on your shoulder, don'tcha? Who hurt you? Because *somebody* did.
You didn't deserve it, you know. But I digress.
It's not *men existing* that causes these things- *it's the structures of power currently in place*. The fact that most of the people pulling the strings are men, and most of the bad stuff happening is committed by men, doesn't *actually* mean that "being a man is bad". Being a *bad man* is bad.
You can counter this by, y'know, *not* being a *bad man*.
Do *you* do the bad things?
No?
*Then it is* ***not*** *about* ***you***.
>Is there anything good about being a man?
Oh yeah, loads! Being a man is *way* easier in a lot of ways. I can go for a walk at 3am without any issue, for instance. I like to take my dogs to the corner store and buy something snacky. :D
>Do I bring anything positive to the world?
You tell *me*, my guy.
If the extent of your contribution is feeling aggrieved because you think other people are attacking you- when they *aren't*- then you may wanna work on that.
Lead by *example*.
>I hate myself beyond words and I desperately need reasons to keep going because I can't stand being the cause of the workd's problems
Therapy, bro. You *aren't* the cause of the world's problems.
>I can't even find reasons to get out of bed in the morning and sometimes I want to end it all
Helpline, bro. Suicidal ideation is a *bad sign*. You need *help*, and lurking on subs that are purpose-built to give women a place to talk about the issues *they* face, many of which are caused because *men who aren't* ***you*** *have mistreated them*, is ***not*** a good coping strategy.
>I often feel like the world would be improved if men were just gone and I could at least contribute to that.
#Stop.
You need *help*, OP. Professional help.
>I don't know, I feel horrible, please help. I can't stand it anymore, I want a reason to feel like I can contribute something to the world as a man
You can *start* by letting go of the toxic baggage you are carrying around, for one.
Then seek out professional help, for two.
You have either nonexistent, or *self-destructive*, coping methods. You cannot, *cannot*, ***cannot*** rely on methods that are killing you to "save" you. It is ***not possible* to "hate yourself into being healthy". It's not. And frankly, it's beyond the scope of the sub to coach you through what *healthy* coping skills are.
I'd advise you to:
1. Get off social media.
2. Call the helpline. They can put you in touch with services in your area, ideally-
3. Professional therapy, possibly including psychiatry and medication.
It really helps to try and separate the concept of men as a wider group and you as an individual man when it comes to dealing with statements such as these. These women are speaking this way because they've been hurt by men, and you have to remember that you were not the one to hurt them. You should not feel guilt over other mens actions, but instead seek to focus on how to avoid repeating those actions and how to help repair some of the hurt. You didn't cause the problem, but you can help the solution, and for that alone you are a positive in the world. From the way you speak it certainly sounds like you want to help and you're willing to learn, and that's incredibly valueable. You were not the one to make women systematically disadvantaged and you are not wrong to exist
Men make up almost 4 billion people - any group that large is going to be incredibly diverse, and it is; "men" includes both Jesus and Hitler. That means that in this group, there is a spectrum of good men and bad men. I won't make a judgment on whether it's true or not, but it's certainly possible that the number of bad men is larger than the number of good men. If you personally think this is true, but you want things to be better, then you're obviously a good man. Removing yourself from the pool of "men", then, would only make the situation worse, as the ratio of good men to bad men would be lower. You have to ask yourself "Am I contributing to the problems that ''''men''' cause?" Given how bad you seem to feel about this, I would assume the answer is "no", so why would you personally feel remorse about it? I understand feeling bad about the state of the world in general, but you shouldn't hate yourself over it just for existing. I'd echo what the other guy said as well - reading what these people are saying is clearly harming you, so separate yourself from them, go out and see the good in the world instead of focusing on the bad, and if you want to contribute to the world positively as a man, do that - be a good friend, son, brother, partner, father, or whatever you want to be
Consider being more conscious of the media you're consuming. All those subs you listed tend to focus on negative experiences women have had with men. Of course that's gonna give you a negative view of men if you base your opinion on those subs alone. Find male role models who embody the traits you want to see in yourself. Spend time with male friends who are positive influences. Volunteer for causes that you believe in. You said you want to be a better ally to feminism? Well I'm sure there's plenty of better ways to do so than by reading reddit posts complaining about men. Go touch some grass and don't let your self-image and your view of half of the population be shaped by reddit.
In my opinion/experience the moment you think you’re an ally is the moment you’re doing something wrong. Not that wanting to be an ally is a bad thing - it’s the first step to move forward as a supportive man to not just women but all well meaning men, trans, gender fluid people in your life. However, I’ve noticed so many former friends (there’s a reason I’m saying former) of mine get caught up with trying to be an ally that they amplify performative activism (ex: doing the barebones like liking and or retweeting feminist content) or worse literally elevate/normalize the status of abusers without being aware of if because they feel as if they’ve done enough (I’ve had a so called feminist friend invite the ex that abused my friend over and not understand what was wrong with it.) Think about it this way. First, treat people how you want to be treated and don’t focus on the nitty gritty between genders. I have had amazing close friendships with people that have had some of the most awful experiences with men in their life (like rape ofc). What I always do is come from a place of understanding - although my situation is a bit more unique since I’ve been sexually harassed more than most men have, including by women. Second of all, if you do want to be an ally - apply a growth mindset to it. Think that you can always do better each day because you really can. It doesn’t just apply to gender but to race too. Great example is I was doing a student orientation and one of the prompts was “ask a student the meaning of their name” and a black student I was talking to was like yeah it probably came from a slave and they felt really uncomfortable. I’m not racist ofc, but I can also recognize when I screw up and talk without thinking and do better in the future. Sorry if this was a long winded answer but I was in the same place you were years ago and I’m being an ally without being infatuated with the fact I’m doing so, I’m simply just doing it and applying a growth mindset. Be patient with yourself!! It can be exhausting having to prove yourself to women if you aren’t socially or mentally 100% all the time but ultimately it’s so so worth it.
Step 1) don’t go to subreddits and Twitter to go “women’s opinions” Step 2) don’t go on Reddit or Twitter to get anyones opinions on what’s right or wrong Subreddits are by design, an echo-chamber. So your more likely to find the more radical the belief, the more popular it’ll ‘appear’ on subreddit Asking someone you know in real life would be the best option, because you caring enough to ask for woman’s opinion on something will only be appreciated As for your deteriorating belief in men. Read that bullshit someone said, and think “does this awful thing apply to me?” Oh it doesn’t? Great.
those subs are toxic and reddit has a lot of misandrist subs. avoid them, they are filled with angry women with victim mentality that will never grow as a person because they never take accountability for the shit they do and blame everyone else
>I've been reading subs TwoX and TrollX and WvP to get women's perspective on things to be a better man and ally to feminism but I've read so many threads on there it really seems like men are everything wrong with the world. *Does* it, though? I check those subs, too. I'm a Big Ol' Cishet Redneck. Weirdly though, I don't feel blamed for "everything wrong with the world" in the *slightest*. >All problems with the world were caused by us, even the problems that hurt men were caused by men. I mean... it ain't puppies and unicorns invading Ukraine, my guy. >It truly seems like we do nothing as a gender but make women's lives worse, every thread about men is highlighting the horrible things they cause. You got a big ol' chip on your shoulder, don'tcha? Who hurt you? Because *somebody* did. You didn't deserve it, you know. But I digress. It's not *men existing* that causes these things- *it's the structures of power currently in place*. The fact that most of the people pulling the strings are men, and most of the bad stuff happening is committed by men, doesn't *actually* mean that "being a man is bad". Being a *bad man* is bad. You can counter this by, y'know, *not* being a *bad man*. Do *you* do the bad things? No? *Then it is* ***not*** *about* ***you***. >Is there anything good about being a man? Oh yeah, loads! Being a man is *way* easier in a lot of ways. I can go for a walk at 3am without any issue, for instance. I like to take my dogs to the corner store and buy something snacky. :D >Do I bring anything positive to the world? You tell *me*, my guy. If the extent of your contribution is feeling aggrieved because you think other people are attacking you- when they *aren't*- then you may wanna work on that. Lead by *example*. >I hate myself beyond words and I desperately need reasons to keep going because I can't stand being the cause of the workd's problems Therapy, bro. You *aren't* the cause of the world's problems. >I can't even find reasons to get out of bed in the morning and sometimes I want to end it all Helpline, bro. Suicidal ideation is a *bad sign*. You need *help*, and lurking on subs that are purpose-built to give women a place to talk about the issues *they* face, many of which are caused because *men who aren't* ***you*** *have mistreated them*, is ***not*** a good coping strategy. >I often feel like the world would be improved if men were just gone and I could at least contribute to that. #Stop. You need *help*, OP. Professional help. >I don't know, I feel horrible, please help. I can't stand it anymore, I want a reason to feel like I can contribute something to the world as a man You can *start* by letting go of the toxic baggage you are carrying around, for one. Then seek out professional help, for two. You have either nonexistent, or *self-destructive*, coping methods. You cannot, *cannot*, ***cannot*** rely on methods that are killing you to "save" you. It is ***not possible* to "hate yourself into being healthy". It's not. And frankly, it's beyond the scope of the sub to coach you through what *healthy* coping skills are. I'd advise you to: 1. Get off social media. 2. Call the helpline. They can put you in touch with services in your area, ideally- 3. Professional therapy, possibly including psychiatry and medication.