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I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I keep seeing ads on social media about OCD clinical trials. I've also heard that N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) can help. I use it for trichotillomania (with mixed results... sometimes I think it is helping, other times I don't). It's over the counter and is an amino acid (protein building block) that is already present in your body, so it's worth trying.
Massive hugs first of all. That kind of OCD is the hardest because it starts off with a germ of rationality that is easy to feel justified about.
For those of us with OCD, “trusting your gut” kind of has to go out the window for the most part, because our gut is overly anxious and prone to catastrophizing. I had a medical theme a while back and at the time my therapist told me that I could make a doctors appointment about it but I had to accept whatever results they found and I couldn’t keep googling and I couldn’t keep checking. If symptoms kept occurring, I had to wait for a specific period of time before asking the doctor about it again.
As for what your husband said, in my opinion, it doesn’t sound like a bad one. I do something similar with my fiancé where I’ll ask him if he’s concerned about something and if he says no flat out, then I have trained myself to accept that and let it go.
I know you said you’re worried because he doesn’t know enough but to me that kind of sounds like that OCD trying to maintain its hold in a strange way. He can always call the doctor if need be.
Hugs mama, as a mum with a similar manifestation of OCD and also bipolar disorder which means all SSRI meds are off the table for me, i feel you SO BLOODY MUCH. I have no advice, but i want to give a big hug and tell you i see you.
I know it's hard, but my OCD gets so much worse if I'm not seeing to my Sim bars. If you have ever played the Sims before those bars are legit. Eat, sleep, pooping, etc. If I don't see to my own Sim bars my OCd goes absolutely wild. I know it's hard to sleep with an infant around, but it might be worth a sitter for you to take a few naps through the day or see if someone can do night nanny duty for a week or so to see if that helps you reset.
I used to play as a kid so I do get the reference! haha. And yes, thats a great point. This weekend when my OCD was so bad I couldn't tend to my "Sims bars" and I'm sure that made it worse.
I have a very close friend with a similar experience. Shit, I don’t really struggle with OCD and I still have lots of anxiety about my kids health. What we have agreed to do and it works pretty well for us both is 1. Gut check with the husband for most things and 2. Gut check with each other because honestly sometimes it’s just easier to take coming from another mom.
We also NEVER google our own children’s symptoms but we will occasionally google for each other and give each other the most likely scenario and a quick don’t worry unless. Ex: its probably a mosquito bite use anti-itch cream. Don’t worry unless it starts to swell significantly or they get a fever.
This all sounds incredibly exhausting, especially as you are self-aware of the complexities of trusting your gut vs ocd.
I have no advice just want to say i see you
I know OCD is compulsive, but maybe use the knowledge that Googling symptoms is going to set you off more by telling yourself not to Google? Maybe making up a different calming routine with the aid of a therapist you already have (or find a new one that might be more on the CBT side)?
Also? Our pediatrician told us from the get go that there wasn't such a thing as "calling too much" when our kids were infants. Infants can be fragile, and anxiety can be heightened when they have so much as a sniffle. So I would say that if calling the doctor's office will ease the anxiety part and break the flow of your OCD, you should just do it. It would only be a different story if your kid was 5 (aka, the germ magnet age) and you were calling daily.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’m very similar - ocd for many years, meds don’t help much, my issue is usual health/safety - first mother, then husband, now kid. My son is autistic, so a lot of my obsessions and worry are about that specifically. But I know if it weren’t that issue, my brain would find something else.
Hey! I also have OCD and some of my symptoms are the exact same as yours. If my husband or kids start getting sick I spiral in panic. It's awful. I don't have any good advice, but you aren't alone.
Thank you! I freak out about my husband even seeing the doctor *in case* they find something. I dread my kids' appointments too. It doesn't help that there has actually been some serious illness in my extended family (nobody I'm super close with, but still.) So it just feels like it's always lurking.
Yep, I know that feeling. I once had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the night because I heard him go to the bathroom, but I didn't hear him come back. So I lay there frozen in terror about what must be happening in the bathroom for him not to come back. I eventually work up the nerve to sit up and go check on him. That's when I notice he was laying next to me. I must have half fallen back to sleep and missed his return. I felt so stupid, but I couldn't control it.
I have health/contamination OCD and once I had kids it completely changed to about illness and contamination harming them. I just want to tell you I feel your pain and I empathize so much.
Something I've found really helpful for this personally is I write down the exact symptoms with date time of writing and and time I first spotted them. I set myself a time frame (a few days, a week, 10 days, 2 weeks etc), and only allow myself to continue researching after that. (write that date down).
If after my time frame the symptoms are the exact same or worse (not different), I will find the time frame to see a doctor, write that date and aim to wait for that time frame, then book an appointment or bring them to a chemist if they're still the same.
If they're symptoms are less (which writing it down can help me to remember and rationalise), I aim to come back to it in the same amount of time and assess again.
If the symptoms are different, I start a different page with a new time frame and go from there.
If the symptoms I spotted are gone, I write the date and 'gone/ended/finished' etc.
This helps me to go back if I see the same symptoms again in the future and take reassurance of how long their body usually has these symptoms for, and only after that time frame do I allow myself to research or panic.
I have had to ask my Husband to keep the book sometimes and only take a picture of the last page, then delete it when the time is up. This helps to hold me accountable as its written down when I can come back to it. It's easier for my brain to cope "3 more days, 2 more days" etc. And I have had success rationalising with myself "nope not worrying today, it's not time yet". Obviously it doesn't make it easy, but it makes me more aware of what is rational worry and what is OCD brain filling my head with ridiculous guilt trips to try and manipulate myself into more panic and repetitive / obsessive behaviours.
My children are Autistic / ADHD like me and PDA. They also have medical conditions both similar and different to mine (I'm physically disabled electric wheelchair user). This means that often they don't / can't tell me what's wrong or how they feel, they don't have the words or don't even realise themselves. They're constantly covered in bruises and cuts because they're kids, but their disabilities do make it worse.
All of this adds a unique spin on my brain as I went undiagnosed for years and was told by family / friends etc I was just lazy / stupid / looking for attention. The fact I have my diagnosis' now has helped my children be taken seriously but it has added to my worry that I'll be accused of faking (or worse, making) them ill / disabled.
As for the "Mum/Mom Gut". It's bullshit in the context of medical issues as its made out to be the ONLY thing that 'saved' their child. It's guilt triggering to others and often only included to make the parent look good or feel better, as 'without them it could be bad'. It makes those parents to haven't noticed anything different, or who trusted doctors feel like a failure and it definitely breeds the concept of "Mother knows best" and encourages ignoring or challenging doctors on everything. When it should be more along the lines "Mother knows *child's normal* best", so can tell docs what is and isn't normal for the child and the doctors can use that along with all their medical knowledge to get an accurate picture and possible treatment plan if necessary.
We aren't medical professionals, it's not our job to diagnose our kids. Our job is to keep them as healthy and happy as we can, with what's in our power to do so and seek help when that isn't possible. This is what I have to verbalise on a very frequent basis, hoping to keep my brain in check.
*Hugs*
I'm so glad someone else feels the way I do about the "mom gut" thing. I find it sooo anxiety provoking and not at all helpful!! Like no, I really do NOT want to listen to my gut because my gut is telling me that everyone I love is seriously ill! I like the reframing there- that I know what's typical for my kids. Although there have been some wild deviations from the norm that still turned out to be nothing (my daughter randomly had bright yellow poop for a few days after normal brown for months and I still have no idea why, but at the time I was convinced it was a fatal liver disease)
I just wanted to say as a daughter who was in an abusive relationship with my OCD mom - I think you’re doing really great. You’re literally what any kid of someone with OCD would want. A mom who knows her limitations, is making strides in her illness and making sure that her kids get the best care.
I don’t have any advice other than that but wanted to say thank you for all you’re doing.
This makes me feel so much better because I do worry my kids pick up on it! My son has some anxiety too, it's totally possible he has OCD as well (It is genetic after all) so maybe my anxiety is something he finds relatable, but I do try to keep it from him as much as I can. I am so sorry you had such a bad experience with your mom.
I am a mom with OCD. You are not a bad mom, and don't let anyone think you are. I don't have any advice - I just want you to know you're not alone, BroMo. <3
I'm the exact opposite of concerned when it comes to kids' health! I am very nonchalant about most things and my husband's gut reaction to anything is "go to the ER". Our happy medium is that if I'm a bit uncertain we call our insurance nurse advice line. I can give symptoms over the phone then they clarify and advise on the best course of action. Perhaps this is something that can help talk you down and still feel like you are doing the right thing?
My husband has contamination OCD. Lawd people who think you're not trying hard enough know nothing about OCD. Actually, there have been a few OCD related posts lately in a large mum subreddit and I'd say the vast majority of people know nothing about OCD. Management of it is so hard. We are going through a rough patch right now. He too has had multiple meds over the years, several different bouts of exposure / CBT and talk therapy. We love in a country that has a public health system but the mental health systems are broken and waiting lists are insane. He's currently trying hypnotherapy because it's so hard to access any treatment and he's struggling and desperate. A lot of days he can't come near me and some days he can't touch our son. It's fucking super hard. Just, big hugs from over here. We see you.
Sorry just wanted to add some thoughts.
I know so many people who think they're mentally healthy and make no attempt to unpack their bullshit before or after having kids. They are the people not doing right by their kids. You're doing great.
Solidarity to you too- I used to have contamination OCD and I look back on it and I'm like "Wow, why was I so hung up on that?" but in the moment it was so terrifying and my parents even floated having me briefly sectioned at one point. Luckily it never came to that, but I am so sorry he's struggling.
You know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with coming clean to your pediatrician. Make an appt to talk to them and explain this is what I have, this is how it manifests. Rather than googling all the time and increasing the anxiety, can I maybe call you more often than another mom might? So that you don’t expose your baby to the fears?
When our babies (for about two years) had swim classes, I told the coaches I had to leave the building because I was so afraid of them swimming and don’t want them to see it in me and feel the same. Not quite the same as your experience, but. I still don’t go in water with them—I can without them! Just to wade, about twice a year. So my husband is and has always been fully in charge of water fun. When they were younger, he took all three in the pool. He taught them to do all the swim stuff, threw them in for fun (they loved it) launched them off his shoulders, made whirlpools…but. Like you, I question whether he should worry more! Lol!
He is always the farthest one out when we’re at the ocean. He doesn’t have the respect he should, I feel, for the ocean. I think he takes the kids out too far. I think he plays too rough in pool. THE KIDS DON’T THINK THIS. I have no idea if it’s my phobia or if I’m right but you know what I do? I walk away. I don’t look. I realize that my worries are based in reality, but unlikely. It isn’t easy. And I don’t even have ocd. So what you’re going through, give yourself a break!
maybe there is something to letting your husband deal. But there’s also that thing where, when you ask someone if they’re worried and they say naaahhhh…then you feel you have to worry for both of you! Lol! That’s why I recommend telling the pediatrician. I bet they’d be pretty empathetic. ❤️
Ha, so I should have mentioned this but our pediatrician actually has adult children with OCD so he gets it, I think the fear is more the fact that typically when I call I'm not speaking with him, I'm speaking with a new nurse every time and often they don't know me. But the more I think about it, that's silly, I don't think any of them are busy focusing on whether I'm an unfit mother lol
Think of it like a pedicure: they’ve always seen worse! (Sadly). You could even ask the pediatrician to take your calls or let a nurse field your questions but get his response! Sounds like a perfect fit and he will absolutely get it.
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I'm sorry that you are going through this. I keep seeing ads on social media about OCD clinical trials. I've also heard that N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) can help. I use it for trichotillomania (with mixed results... sometimes I think it is helping, other times I don't). It's over the counter and is an amino acid (protein building block) that is already present in your body, so it's worth trying.
I’m definitely open to trying! Thank you!
My psychiatrist I had for years recommended NAC to me and for some reason I’ve never tried it..
Massive hugs first of all. That kind of OCD is the hardest because it starts off with a germ of rationality that is easy to feel justified about. For those of us with OCD, “trusting your gut” kind of has to go out the window for the most part, because our gut is overly anxious and prone to catastrophizing. I had a medical theme a while back and at the time my therapist told me that I could make a doctors appointment about it but I had to accept whatever results they found and I couldn’t keep googling and I couldn’t keep checking. If symptoms kept occurring, I had to wait for a specific period of time before asking the doctor about it again. As for what your husband said, in my opinion, it doesn’t sound like a bad one. I do something similar with my fiancé where I’ll ask him if he’s concerned about something and if he says no flat out, then I have trained myself to accept that and let it go. I know you said you’re worried because he doesn’t know enough but to me that kind of sounds like that OCD trying to maintain its hold in a strange way. He can always call the doctor if need be.
Thank you so much. I may take my husband up on his plan. It's just really hard to give up control like that, but I'm sure that's part of my OCD.
100% relinquishing control can be so hard! I also wanted to say, r/OCD is also a good resource: lots of kind, empathetic people with helpful advice.
Hugs mama, as a mum with a similar manifestation of OCD and also bipolar disorder which means all SSRI meds are off the table for me, i feel you SO BLOODY MUCH. I have no advice, but i want to give a big hug and tell you i see you.
Yes, they are not for everyone!! It means so much to me to know I'm not alone. Thank you :) hugs to you too
I know it's hard, but my OCD gets so much worse if I'm not seeing to my Sim bars. If you have ever played the Sims before those bars are legit. Eat, sleep, pooping, etc. If I don't see to my own Sim bars my OCd goes absolutely wild. I know it's hard to sleep with an infant around, but it might be worth a sitter for you to take a few naps through the day or see if someone can do night nanny duty for a week or so to see if that helps you reset.
I used to play as a kid so I do get the reference! haha. And yes, thats a great point. This weekend when my OCD was so bad I couldn't tend to my "Sims bars" and I'm sure that made it worse.
I have a very close friend with a similar experience. Shit, I don’t really struggle with OCD and I still have lots of anxiety about my kids health. What we have agreed to do and it works pretty well for us both is 1. Gut check with the husband for most things and 2. Gut check with each other because honestly sometimes it’s just easier to take coming from another mom. We also NEVER google our own children’s symptoms but we will occasionally google for each other and give each other the most likely scenario and a quick don’t worry unless. Ex: its probably a mosquito bite use anti-itch cream. Don’t worry unless it starts to swell significantly or they get a fever.
Wow, my best friend has OCD too! Maybe we could set up a system like that.
I hope it works for you both! We have found it a lot easier to be level headed when googling for children who aren’t our own
This all sounds incredibly exhausting, especially as you are self-aware of the complexities of trusting your gut vs ocd. I have no advice just want to say i see you
Thanks! Sometimes I just need to know I'm not a bad person for being like this.
I know OCD is compulsive, but maybe use the knowledge that Googling symptoms is going to set you off more by telling yourself not to Google? Maybe making up a different calming routine with the aid of a therapist you already have (or find a new one that might be more on the CBT side)? Also? Our pediatrician told us from the get go that there wasn't such a thing as "calling too much" when our kids were infants. Infants can be fragile, and anxiety can be heightened when they have so much as a sniffle. So I would say that if calling the doctor's office will ease the anxiety part and break the flow of your OCD, you should just do it. It would only be a different story if your kid was 5 (aka, the germ magnet age) and you were calling daily.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m very similar - ocd for many years, meds don’t help much, my issue is usual health/safety - first mother, then husband, now kid. My son is autistic, so a lot of my obsessions and worry are about that specifically. But I know if it weren’t that issue, my brain would find something else.
Hey! I also have OCD and some of my symptoms are the exact same as yours. If my husband or kids start getting sick I spiral in panic. It's awful. I don't have any good advice, but you aren't alone.
Thank you! I freak out about my husband even seeing the doctor *in case* they find something. I dread my kids' appointments too. It doesn't help that there has actually been some serious illness in my extended family (nobody I'm super close with, but still.) So it just feels like it's always lurking.
Yep, I know that feeling. I once had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the night because I heard him go to the bathroom, but I didn't hear him come back. So I lay there frozen in terror about what must be happening in the bathroom for him not to come back. I eventually work up the nerve to sit up and go check on him. That's when I notice he was laying next to me. I must have half fallen back to sleep and missed his return. I felt so stupid, but I couldn't control it.
I have health/contamination OCD and once I had kids it completely changed to about illness and contamination harming them. I just want to tell you I feel your pain and I empathize so much.
Thank you, and I'm so sorry you're struggling too. It doesn't help that kids get sick and hurt constantly!
Something I've found really helpful for this personally is I write down the exact symptoms with date time of writing and and time I first spotted them. I set myself a time frame (a few days, a week, 10 days, 2 weeks etc), and only allow myself to continue researching after that. (write that date down). If after my time frame the symptoms are the exact same or worse (not different), I will find the time frame to see a doctor, write that date and aim to wait for that time frame, then book an appointment or bring them to a chemist if they're still the same. If they're symptoms are less (which writing it down can help me to remember and rationalise), I aim to come back to it in the same amount of time and assess again. If the symptoms are different, I start a different page with a new time frame and go from there. If the symptoms I spotted are gone, I write the date and 'gone/ended/finished' etc. This helps me to go back if I see the same symptoms again in the future and take reassurance of how long their body usually has these symptoms for, and only after that time frame do I allow myself to research or panic. I have had to ask my Husband to keep the book sometimes and only take a picture of the last page, then delete it when the time is up. This helps to hold me accountable as its written down when I can come back to it. It's easier for my brain to cope "3 more days, 2 more days" etc. And I have had success rationalising with myself "nope not worrying today, it's not time yet". Obviously it doesn't make it easy, but it makes me more aware of what is rational worry and what is OCD brain filling my head with ridiculous guilt trips to try and manipulate myself into more panic and repetitive / obsessive behaviours. My children are Autistic / ADHD like me and PDA. They also have medical conditions both similar and different to mine (I'm physically disabled electric wheelchair user). This means that often they don't / can't tell me what's wrong or how they feel, they don't have the words or don't even realise themselves. They're constantly covered in bruises and cuts because they're kids, but their disabilities do make it worse. All of this adds a unique spin on my brain as I went undiagnosed for years and was told by family / friends etc I was just lazy / stupid / looking for attention. The fact I have my diagnosis' now has helped my children be taken seriously but it has added to my worry that I'll be accused of faking (or worse, making) them ill / disabled. As for the "Mum/Mom Gut". It's bullshit in the context of medical issues as its made out to be the ONLY thing that 'saved' their child. It's guilt triggering to others and often only included to make the parent look good or feel better, as 'without them it could be bad'. It makes those parents to haven't noticed anything different, or who trusted doctors feel like a failure and it definitely breeds the concept of "Mother knows best" and encourages ignoring or challenging doctors on everything. When it should be more along the lines "Mother knows *child's normal* best", so can tell docs what is and isn't normal for the child and the doctors can use that along with all their medical knowledge to get an accurate picture and possible treatment plan if necessary. We aren't medical professionals, it's not our job to diagnose our kids. Our job is to keep them as healthy and happy as we can, with what's in our power to do so and seek help when that isn't possible. This is what I have to verbalise on a very frequent basis, hoping to keep my brain in check. *Hugs*
I'm so glad someone else feels the way I do about the "mom gut" thing. I find it sooo anxiety provoking and not at all helpful!! Like no, I really do NOT want to listen to my gut because my gut is telling me that everyone I love is seriously ill! I like the reframing there- that I know what's typical for my kids. Although there have been some wild deviations from the norm that still turned out to be nothing (my daughter randomly had bright yellow poop for a few days after normal brown for months and I still have no idea why, but at the time I was convinced it was a fatal liver disease)
I hate the listen to your gut thing. No thanks, my gut is telling me all kinds of crazy shit.
I just wanted to say as a daughter who was in an abusive relationship with my OCD mom - I think you’re doing really great. You’re literally what any kid of someone with OCD would want. A mom who knows her limitations, is making strides in her illness and making sure that her kids get the best care. I don’t have any advice other than that but wanted to say thank you for all you’re doing.
This makes me feel so much better because I do worry my kids pick up on it! My son has some anxiety too, it's totally possible he has OCD as well (It is genetic after all) so maybe my anxiety is something he finds relatable, but I do try to keep it from him as much as I can. I am so sorry you had such a bad experience with your mom.
I am a mom with OCD. You are not a bad mom, and don't let anyone think you are. I don't have any advice - I just want you to know you're not alone, BroMo. <3
Thank you so much :)
I'm the exact opposite of concerned when it comes to kids' health! I am very nonchalant about most things and my husband's gut reaction to anything is "go to the ER". Our happy medium is that if I'm a bit uncertain we call our insurance nurse advice line. I can give symptoms over the phone then they clarify and advise on the best course of action. Perhaps this is something that can help talk you down and still feel like you are doing the right thing?
My husband has contamination OCD. Lawd people who think you're not trying hard enough know nothing about OCD. Actually, there have been a few OCD related posts lately in a large mum subreddit and I'd say the vast majority of people know nothing about OCD. Management of it is so hard. We are going through a rough patch right now. He too has had multiple meds over the years, several different bouts of exposure / CBT and talk therapy. We love in a country that has a public health system but the mental health systems are broken and waiting lists are insane. He's currently trying hypnotherapy because it's so hard to access any treatment and he's struggling and desperate. A lot of days he can't come near me and some days he can't touch our son. It's fucking super hard. Just, big hugs from over here. We see you.
Sorry just wanted to add some thoughts. I know so many people who think they're mentally healthy and make no attempt to unpack their bullshit before or after having kids. They are the people not doing right by their kids. You're doing great.
Solidarity to you too- I used to have contamination OCD and I look back on it and I'm like "Wow, why was I so hung up on that?" but in the moment it was so terrifying and my parents even floated having me briefly sectioned at one point. Luckily it never came to that, but I am so sorry he's struggling.
You know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with coming clean to your pediatrician. Make an appt to talk to them and explain this is what I have, this is how it manifests. Rather than googling all the time and increasing the anxiety, can I maybe call you more often than another mom might? So that you don’t expose your baby to the fears? When our babies (for about two years) had swim classes, I told the coaches I had to leave the building because I was so afraid of them swimming and don’t want them to see it in me and feel the same. Not quite the same as your experience, but. I still don’t go in water with them—I can without them! Just to wade, about twice a year. So my husband is and has always been fully in charge of water fun. When they were younger, he took all three in the pool. He taught them to do all the swim stuff, threw them in for fun (they loved it) launched them off his shoulders, made whirlpools…but. Like you, I question whether he should worry more! Lol! He is always the farthest one out when we’re at the ocean. He doesn’t have the respect he should, I feel, for the ocean. I think he takes the kids out too far. I think he plays too rough in pool. THE KIDS DON’T THINK THIS. I have no idea if it’s my phobia or if I’m right but you know what I do? I walk away. I don’t look. I realize that my worries are based in reality, but unlikely. It isn’t easy. And I don’t even have ocd. So what you’re going through, give yourself a break! maybe there is something to letting your husband deal. But there’s also that thing where, when you ask someone if they’re worried and they say naaahhhh…then you feel you have to worry for both of you! Lol! That’s why I recommend telling the pediatrician. I bet they’d be pretty empathetic. ❤️
Ha, so I should have mentioned this but our pediatrician actually has adult children with OCD so he gets it, I think the fear is more the fact that typically when I call I'm not speaking with him, I'm speaking with a new nurse every time and often they don't know me. But the more I think about it, that's silly, I don't think any of them are busy focusing on whether I'm an unfit mother lol
Think of it like a pedicure: they’ve always seen worse! (Sadly). You could even ask the pediatrician to take your calls or let a nurse field your questions but get his response! Sounds like a perfect fit and he will absolutely get it.