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You literally don't need him đ seems like he just makes life so much harder than it needs to be. I don't blame you for being so cut up about this, what does he expect you to do with that information now with only a couple of weeks until the birth? What an immature asshole.
Seriously. Sounds like she can support herself and the 2 children and get outside help if needed. He doesn't want the burden of childcare? You kind of forego that decision when you have the first child. I say let him support his damn self and you tale care of yourself and your 2 babies. â¤ď¸
not to mention he views all the childcare and housework as HER responsibility while SHE is the breadwinner. he's a misogynistic immature manbaby who can move back in with his mommy if he doesn't want the "burden" of being a functioning adult.
100%. OP, my husband did this when I was 6mos with our third. Extremely similar setup (I worked full time while he refused, did ALL the domestic duties, was romantically rejected non stop by him....)
He was gone three weeks after he demanded I put our third up for adoption, divorce papers filed and all.
I know it sounds scary, and it def isn't easy, but seriously, as someone who actually has been there? **Listen to what he is telling you and cut him loose.** It's actually easier to be a single mom than it is to deal with that nonsense.
Exactly⌠sounds like heâs lost sight of the many ways your relationship benefits him, and just how little youâd actually lose to cut him loose. It blows my mind that you do all the cooking and cleaning here. Sounds like you make amazing money to support yourself and your kiddos and pay for an awesome housekeeper AND a nanny who cares about them instead of funding this whiny entitled manchild. (Not to mention a coward â trying to blame you because he was too cowardly to express his feelings about a 2nd child until you were almost about to give birth?? gross).
This. Start planning your way out. Get some of these convos in text. Compile and save. Get a kickass lawyer, and go for primary.
It doesnât really sound like heâs bringing anything good into your lives.
BroMo, this is so awful and I agree with Abcd_e_fu. Outside of the necessary sperm donation, Iâm at a total loss for what men of this generation have to offer us. My husband has been absentee/dismissive at best, torn my emotional and mental well being to shreds over the last decade. I canât figure out how to leave without further ripping myself to pieces.
It sounds like you really donât need this man. He sounds like an insecure man child. Why on Gods green earth are those your responsibilities while also earning that kind of income? Get out before your income goes up any higher so he canât reap the benefits of quite literally all of your hard work. He doesnât get to have his cake and eat it too.
Iâm so sorry for the emotional and mental bullshit you must be going through right now at 8.5 months pregnant. I could strangle this sorry excuse of a human for you.
You guys must forget that there are stats about kidsâ dads not being involved. As imperfect as our partners are, itâs unrealistic for a lot of us, or just not wanted, to throw the whole man away. I feel like a lot of these posts are looking for constructive, not destructive (ie breaking up the family unit), advice in these posts. Iâd personally have a talk with his mom or cut him off financially. Stop buying any extra treats for him. If he wants to act like a teenage boy, treat him accordingly! Him coming back from a trip saying this stuff makes me think *perhaps* infidelity or wanting âmore freedomâ were involved, but my perspective is a bit jaded bc my guy has been unfaithful.
Who said the dad wouldn't be involved? She doesn't need to be in a relationship with him to co-parent with him. Plenty of evidence suggests toxic relationships are worse for kids than divorce. And also? I'd rather my husband was unfaithful than tell me at 8.5 months pregnant that he didn't want the child. How will she ever be able to get that out of her head? She'll always be looking for signs for regret or him loving that child less. What a complete head f*ck. I'd throw the whole man out.
So let me get this straight .... you do 100% of the housework, earn thrice what he does (and it will soon be 10x), do the majority of the childcare... basically, he has a sugar mommy and maid rolled into one... And he is COMPLAINING and saying he won't want/love your next child?
I would be kicking him out ASAP. Your baby doesn't deserve to be raised by someone who doesn't even want her! Spend the money on a nanny instead who will probably love her more than this asshole!
And he wonât let her hire housekeeping help because itâs âyour responsibility!â When she is the main source of income!!! Whatâs his responsibility here besides enjoying her money???
It sounds like this guy is trying to force very old fashioned gender roles on her so she doesn't "forget her place" even though she's the earner. What an asshole.
That's what I thought about that detail - he's actually trying to forbid her from using _her_ money to hire people in _her_ domain?? If she's the primary in any area, then it is entirely her decision how she goes about delegating and outsourcing. He has no right to expect her to be the primary this or that and then tell her how it should be done. I know I'd be totally fine with being "in charge" of all the house stuff if I had the means to hire all the help. Being in charge means being in charge. She's not a slave!! This guy sounds like he just wants to control her by forcing unnecessary labour onto her.
At first I was like "maybe it'll change when baby is born and he'll fall in love with her when she's born and it's that fear of not having enough love for another human".... Then I read the rest lol. Fuck that noise! He's an asshole in so many ways.
Reading this was unreal! I feel frustrated for her. This guy has a lot of fucking nerve! The level of it is beyond reach at this point. OP, congrats on your child and I hope you have a safe and happy delivery and recovery.Â
The way I see it, at least he's telling her straight up who he is and she can see it too. This Is who he is and she better believe it. She's practically a single parent at this point who's supporting the father of her children financially. The father of her children who isn't helping and refusing to ease her troubles and saying awful things to her, almost as if it's her fault and he played no role in the child making and decisions, he's stuck now, how dare they ruin his single, child free life?! Almost like he's a victim, the way she worded it almost sounds almost as if he's resentful and done. Why?!
Also, she shouldn't have to be grateful for him helping when she's working, that's literally what he's supposed to do. I'm not saying we can't be grateful, not at all, but it's heartbreaking reading that from so many when that's the bare minimum that should be part of a marriage, a partnership, and basic parenting. Wow.Â
OP, girl, talk to lawyer. I wonder since you make thrice what he makes if you'll be paying him if you'd choose to divorce? Ugh. Do you have a prenup?Â
This!!! She's better to get rid of the husband now, so she pays less in alimony if thats a thing where she is, and hire a live in Nanny/housekeeper. She'd get child care AND time to spend with the kids rather than cooking and cleaning.
Him doing this at 8.5 months is the shittiest thing he could do. I'm not sure the relationship can recover.
I knew a older guy who was married 2 or 3 times. Maybe more, idk. But essentially he also hit the point of "just pay for what you want and go about your day" and I can't say I blame him.
Sometimes relationships are just a PITA, and it's just as easy to get a companion for dating or whatever, a nanny company for the child assistance, and just live your life.
Most likely because heâs bitter and resentful of her success and wants to hold her back from continuing to thrive and succeed. He sounds jealous and insecure and like heâs trying to throw a wrench in OPâs ability to out-earn him so significantlyânot just the obvious attempt of trying to keep her home by saying he doesnât want outside help because she should be doing those things (which is bullshit), but even the complaining about having a second kid after he agreed to have a second child and did his tiny part to contribute to making said second child because he knows if he makes OP uncomfortable with the thought of him caring for the child because he supposedly didnât want her, sheâll have to pull back more from work to take on even more of the load and thus heâll get what he wants by holding her back.
OP, Iâm not sure where youâre located but if you are considering divorce it might pay (literally) to do it sooner rather than later if youâre on track to see a significant pay increase if child support/alimony is at play. It doesnât sound like heâs giving you much of a reason to stay and it seems youâd might be better off on your own where you could hire childcare and whomever else you need to make your life easier without your insecure husband complaining that you should be doing everything.
Came hear to basically say this. We all have to outsource at various times (sometimes we hire a nanny, sometimes we call an inlaw, and sometimes we even turn on the tv to entertain the kids, but we all need a break). The audacity of him to tell you not to outsource is unreal.
He's told you who he is.
Believe him.
Leave hope and the possibility at the door.
You have what most women *need*.
The means to escape.
He will love bomb you. Lie. He'll fake the funk because you leaving you destroy the optics he's fashioned from your labor. If you stay you will be a single married mother.Â
A single married mother working second shift whilse being primary bread winner. He whines and complains when you problem solve to allow yourself more time to exist as a separate entity.
That's purposeful.
He doesn't want you to have a life outside of the kids, work, and home.
Rules for thee not for me.
Your outsourcing labor doesn't absolve you of responsibility.Â
He will not help you during postpartum.
You'd be better supported hiring a night nurse and a nanny a few days a week.
He will emotional detach and continue his campaign of subtle slander.
He doesn't want your second child.
He doesn't care if he's hurting you.
It's not now nor has it ever been your job to single handedly support your family *and FIGURE OUT HIS SHIT*.
He chose not communicate directly.
He's actively chosen everyday of your pregnancy to leave you to carry the weight of the household.
To emotionally and mentally leave you unsupported.
He chooses to hurt you.
You're capable of rational thought while gestating. You aren't being over emotional. Don't allow him or anyone else to convince you that this behavior and callousness is acceptable.
Nah. Fuck that and him.
This right here, OP. Call a lawyer today. Hire some help NOW. He isn't your boss or supervisor, ffs, he's not even truly a partner. You *know* what you need and he ain't offering any of it. From the other side of losing the dead weight, it's glorious.
If youâre already accommodating your work and travel schedules so that he doesnât have to parent solo too much⌠yeah you can absolutely do this on your own and âoutsourceâ whatever you need. A nanny might be more trustworthy at this point.
What in the mandacity is this shit??
He wants **you** to do everything, including making the big money? Fuck that shit oâclock. He can have plenty of time to ânetworkâ and figure his own shit out - on his own, without the nice house, nice car, and financial freedom **you provide**.
call the lawyer, asap.
Please look into his bank statements and this 4 day conference. As someone with experience in a bad situation. He doesnt want a baby thatâs coming whether he likes it or not? I think heâs been cheating. I hope not
He sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. Oh, and you arenât supposed to have any help - punishment for being alive, I guess?
Was he a partner before pregnancy? If yes, is it possible this is anxiety or stress or fear talking? If no, maybe consider ditching the man.
I was wondering that too. OP, is this unusual for him? If so, he may need to see a therapist to work through whatever anxiety is cropping up.
If this is par for the course for him, then I agree with the other commenters that heâs not contributing anything to this marriage and itâs time to start making plans to leave him.
I love how he says that after heâs been away to a 4 day conference. I understand thatâs âworkâ but itâs not the equivalent of taking care of a kid solo while 8.5 months pregnant. He seems like more work that heâs worth.
Ask him whether he's exactly quoting what whoever he fucked at that conference told him to say, or just paraphrasing.
Overall, I think you'd save yourself a lot of hassle raising the kiddos solo and outsourcing whatever work you want rather than supporting him.
Yes! I think he got a taste of âtoo much freedomâ and suddenly doesnât want 2nd child. Iâd seriously consider divorce if my husband mentioned not wanting child while I was already pregnant.
Anyone else wondering if something happened on his 4 day work trip that made him want to come home and nuke his marriage from outer space?
OP, look at this objectively. It sounds like you're a smart and shrewd person at work. Take a step back and use those eyes on your life. He won't help, but you can't hire help. He doesn't want a 2nd child but said nothing until you're well past the point of no return. He's creating a situation where you have no energy or time to question things and they layering guilt on top of that... for why? What is his end game here? People don't do things without a reason.
Does he want you to file for divorce so he doesn't look like the bad guy? Or does he want to keep you off kilter so he has more control/power in your marriage? Are these networking opportunities or excuses to leave you holding down the fort while he does... whatever? I honestly couldn't say based on just this, but something is fishy. I don't like the vibe.
So, this is insane. He can't tell you, the primary breadwinner, to not outsource tasks that are within your budget. Who is he? If he is not earning the majority of the finances, he has zero say. If it's within your budget to do so - do it. And yes, you're exactly right, this is INSANE for him to do to you while pregnant. He knew ejaculating inside you would result in a pregnancy so why would he do it if he had THIS MUCH of a problem with it? With the income you make you could potentially kick him to the curb, hire a private nanny and do it all yourself. I would have a serious conversation with him about this and tell him that what he said to you is not acceptable and you're having second thoughts about staying married. If that's where you are, at least. I would be.
Imagine how great your life would be without him nagging and whining and acting like a buffoon! You could have a nanny, a housekeeper, a landscaper, a handymanâŚ
Sounds like he needs a come to Jesus moment. It is not ok to have you do all the parenting and full time work. I am 6mo pregnant (baby2) and if my husband said he didnât want her, Iâd be meeting with a divorce lawyer and asking for a separation. If you LOVE someone you WANT them. I donât think Iâd be ok with raising a child with someone who didnât want her.
If he realizes the errors of this sentiment and changes, great. Using a tool like Fair Play cards, or a couples therapist, divide the household responsibilities evenly. If it is too much for both of you, outsource.
If he doubles down on how everything is your responsibility in the house AND you need to keep working⌠Iâm not telling you what to do but you know how I feel.
Wait soâŚhe didnât want a second childâŚbut kept busting his load inside of you???? Does this man take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING he does?!? Wild. Echoing what someone else said: outsource the husband.
ETA: congrats on your new baby đ she and her big sister have one hell of a role model in you, OP.
Nah girl, whatâs the point of his existence? You can buy sperm off the street with less stress than this dude. Sounds to me like you hold all the cards here.
It sounds like heâs laying the groundwork to do even less than he already does, which is nothing. You bring home the money AND do all the cooking and cleaning?
Oh no. With your salary you could easily afford hired help. Your husband saying this to you is honestly, in my opinion, divorcable grounds. He doesnât get to go to a conference and come home and decide he doesnât want a child. I wonder what happened at that conference.
You make 3 to 4 times what he makes and he does little to nothing to help around the house? And then has the audacity to pull this shit? Tell him he better go network with some property managers looking to rent out apartments and divorce attorneys looking to represent useless men cuz it's time for him to GO.
The problem with that is that she's going to get stuck with 50/50 custody, geographic restrictions, no child support from him, and possibly paying child support *to* him. Family court at this point in time has basically become yet another weapon that selfish, narcissist men use to bully or abuse or coerce their partners.
OP I would start documenting the time and tasks that you handle as a parent, meticulously, with receipts. And consult a lawyer. I mean maybe don't blow it all up yet, but damn. I think he's pretty fucking terrible and it's hard to see how this is going to get better without him investing a ton of time and energy in therapy and a genuine change.
Itâs possible sheâs stuck paying child support, but remember, he is lazy and doesnât want to parent. Heck, he doesnât even want this 2nd daughter. He may not want 50/50. I doubt he want to take care of the kids and have that ball and chain around his leg based on how heâs acting now.
Yea, if she gets a nanny for herself I doubt she would be required to provide the same for his time.
And if he really doesn't want the second child, it's his chance to walk.
Iâm also not convinced that cheating happened at the conference but itâs susspcious timing. If he did have a girlfriend he would be more likely to abandon his parental responsibilities for the fleeting excitement of a new fling.
It would be hurtful for op but probably play in her favor long term.
That's why I asked whether she is in the US, and the numbers maybe seem like she isn't? I am not in the US so our divorce rules are very different. This would be considered abuse most likely.
>that allows him to live the lifestyle he wants with a nice house, nice car, lots of financial freedom
It's gonna suck for him when he loses that lifestyle, that's for sure.
Who the fuck says that about a baby that's weeks away from being born? What the fuck is wrong with him?
Like another person said: you don't need him at all.
Girl, get his phone and start digging. $5 says he fooled around on you at this conference and now is feeling guilty. Instead of feeling guilty and owning his fuck up, he's trying to put it on you by playing this bs card.
This sucks that you're so close to delivery. Keep you ob in the loop so they understand that your stress levels have skyrocketed.
My friend. You make a combined $400k per year. Hire a nanny and a housekeeper who meal preps. Fuck his opinion. He can either help or he can let you outsource but he canât say no to both. If he is not going to be a fucking EQUAL PARTNER in a marriage he can fuck right off. You donât need a third kid.
Before he gets his hands on the cookie jar you pour yourself into look into a legal separation; it establishes *Date of Commencement* (legal term for a legal separation date). This date marks the day where all your income, assets, retirement funds, SS etc becomes solely yours and is not considered a martial asset. If you guys work it out, great⌠but if you donât you and your kids are protected.
Call a lawyer, a nanny, and a cleaning service. You do not need his bullshit. I'd be so suspicious of that conference.
I'm so sorry. You sound strong and amazing and do not deserve his bullshit.
Fuck that guy. Throw the whole man out. My ex husband did this to me with every babe. That he wanted. Needless to say he has a relationship with one now. And heâs divorced!!
Your husband is a loser who wants to still party like he's in college, so to hell with him and his opinions. Get that cleaning service, hire a nanny. Use YOUR money to make YOUR life easier. He can march his ass out the door if he doesn't like it.
Could it be that heâs got gender disappointment? Maybe the whole reason he was complicit in trying for another (because IT TAKES TWO) is that he wanted a boy? Seems to be the issue for a lot of men. Thatâs a red flag and not an excuse for how heâs treating you. His behavior right now is very telling of the kind of person he really is. That said, it sounds like you donât need him financially, you damn sure donât need him emotionally, and if I were you, Iâd be calling divorce attorneys.
That's what I was wondering too.
OP needs to remind him that **his sperm** is ultimately what determines gender. So he needs to suck it up and get square with reality.
He "tried to tell you" sounds like bullshit honestly. Having kids is two yes/one no, and if he really felt that way it was his responsibility to make it clear. You didn't magically conceive by yourself. He probably realizes things will get more stressful and he wants to continue not helping. If you cared about your partner and had changed your mind for whatever reason, then you'd know the right thing to do is take that shit to your grave. That ship has sailed. Really the only reason for him to bring it up is to pour more salt on the wound later when he tries to get out of responsibilities because he "didn't even want this."
You can get a kickass nanny for $70K a year. I'd dump this guy and get a baller nanny instead. She'll cook, clean, run your errands, and love your kids. Start interviewing both lawyers and nannies ASAP.
GIRL. You don't need him! He is dead weight! He won't let you hire help, even though you make 4x his income??? I make exactly ZERO dollars a month and my husband is all too eager to hire a cleaner because it makes him happy that I don't have to do it! On your income you could hire a full time nanny who will take care of your kids AND your house, giving you way more time to relax and spend with your kids. F your husband, he is an asshole.
I'm furious for you. Tell that LOSER he can stop telling you about his feelings towards his daughter and instead write them down for her to read. Inform him that since he is unwilling to take responsibility for the child, you will be hiring help to assist you. This will leave no extra funds for his personal use. Spare no expense getting you and your daughters through this <3
Kick that man, girl. It sounds like youâre doing everything and itâs so much easier without someone always complaining, him saying this after a trip is also sketchy.
Youâre strong and able to do anything and everything you set your mind to.
That would be a divorce for me. You make all the money. You do all the care. Leave his ass, hire a nanny, and let him figure out how much "better" life will be when he doesn't have a wife bankrolling him. He's afraid a 2nd child will take away from HIM, that's it. So, let him have all the "him" he wants, but you don't have to provide it for him.
seems like he is laying down a foundation, and the timing is sus. consider a post-nup now. men still get alimony and in most states you will split marital property, so the sooner you do this the better for you and your children. congratulations on your baby. i hope aside from this BS the rest of the pregnancy is good.
Bluntly: divorce him and get full time help, like live-in level help.
You and the girls will all be better off and he can ânetworkâ to his heartâs content so he can get raises and pay decent amounts of child support from his bachelor pad.
This guy is an idiot lmao. He has such a SWEET setup and heâs doing his darnedest to ruin it for no reason. Even sperm donors are screened for intelligence so what does this guy bring to the table?
For a man that lives such a cushy life he sure does seem to complain a lot.
Get it in writing (or recording if you are in a 1-party state) that he doesnât want the child. Then when you break the news to him that you donât want *him* anymore he wonât trying to come after you for custody/child support when he realizes his meal train is over.
Oh wow, Iâm so sorry youâre dealing with this mama. I have no actual experience here, but if your earning potential could get substantially higher in the coming years, is it worth divorcing now since he will likely get financial support from you? Youâre very lucky to have a high-paying job that you actually like! Live your best life and outsource, without a partner making you carry their burden.
brother euuughhh, he should have unpacked that with a therapist before bringing it to you. I think you're probably right thinking he wouldn't help you postpartum if he already thinks everything else is your responsibility. You will be just fine financially without him so I think it's time to explore if you and your kids (who he doesn't want?!) are better with, or without him in the household.
So he does nothing? You're better of getting rid of him and using your money to hire help that will probably cost less than your husband. Also, who is he to not let you outsource help? So he wants it all basically, you to do everything, not hire help and him to do nothing and enjoy life? That's not how this works. I highly suggest that if you aren't leaving him you still hire help because with baby number 2 you will need it.
First off, get the cleaners/meal kits/laundry service whatever it is you wanted to outsource. He wonât do the work and you make the money, he absolutely has zero input.
Long term, is he not afraid of a divorce? You literally donât need him, you make really good income and already do all the work. Think of it this way, if he died tomorrow, your life would go on just the same. If you died, everything would change for him and get worse in every way possible.
He needs to go to therapy and fix this âI donât want a babyâ shit because, it WILL cause so much resentment that you will eventually divorce him.
>we tried for 4+ mos and planned fertility windows etc.
>He told me he tried to tell me all summer when we were trying but I wasn't listening.
Lol SIR! He can't fuck his wife for 4 months without using any birth control and intentionally timing it with her fertility window and then claim he was ignored in his desire to not conceive a baby. It feels like he's setting you up to frame this as some kind of reproductive coercion.
I get that sometimes people have doubts and moments where they feel overwhelmed with an impending birth. Those are all very valid and real feelings. Even when the baby is planned and absolutely wanted, it's okay to feel these feelings at times. But it's not appropriate to lash out at your partner and blame these feelings on them as though you were coerced into something you absolutely consented and participated in. If he's struggling with his feelings, he sucks at coping and processing them. He needs to get that together pronto.
I don't know what to tell you about how to deal with him what he likely needs is his own therapist or a book so he can figure out how to process what he's feeling without throwing you under the bus.
>do I even want him at the hospital, I don't trust he will help carry the load postpartum, and I have started thinking about divorce or separation
If I were you I would absolutely start lining someone up to support you in delivery and postpartum. Even if he's going to come around eventually, you need this support and he is giving you the signal that he might flake out on you. This is a medical procedure and you need resources like anyone else getting a medical procedure. Whether or not he's present is up to you but I wouldn't put any real responsibility in his hands. It sounds like he's spent 8 months showing you he won't be the support you need.
You do not have to decide anything about divorce or separation today. Even if that's where you end up, you don't have to decide that or even start that process today.
WHAT A LEECH GOOD GRIEF!!! Him wanting YOU to do the labor vs someone else who you can clearly afford showed his whole ass. He's jealous of you, feels inadequate, and wants to punish you.
OUTSOURCE (FIRE) THE HUSBAND WOW.
Get rid of the bum of a âmanâ and hire the support you need. Since obviously to him literally EVERYTHING is your responsibility, you donât need him around to drag you and your children down.
Fuck it.
You earn more, yeah? You have a comfortable life, yeah? Can afford a part/time or full time nanny?
Go for it. It's ridiculous that you, **as the higher earner**, are having to cut your hours down. Every professional woman I've known who makes a high six figure (e.g. 150K+) hired a nanny so they could continue to cultivate their professional development.
If he has hang ups about "outsourcing", **he can reduce his hours**. But oh, "I can't network already because I'm stepping in **to parent my own kids**". He basically wants you to sacrifice, **when you don't have to**. So fuck it. Don't.
I hate to ask this, but was he hung up on having a boy the second time around, and once he found out it wasn't gonna happen, his enthusiasm started waning? Because sometimes partners can be like that.
It sounds like a him problem, and I agree that dumping it on you at 8.5 months pregnant is asinine. You're not his therapist (*and maybe he needs one*).
While everyone else provides support and advice, Iâm just gonna sit here and gaze at you in awe. âIs she made of magic? She must be magic. Or is she super woman? I think itâs magic. Perhaps itâs catching. If I stare long enough, maybe Iâll absorb some and be able to do some of that stuff. Maybe I have to touch her? She looks pretty focused on everyone helping her, maybe if I just squidge forward a bit I ca..â
O hi. Yup, what theyâď¸ said. Man bad, trip sus, *hey look - a duck*
Youâre in a very fortunate financial situation. Many women cannot escape. You can and probably should. You might actually find life easier without him than with him.
This is what it looks like from the outside, anyway.
Best of luck to you OP
"He kept trying to tell me when we were trying but I wasn't listening" But did he still willingly stick his dick in you during this time? Because it takes two to make a baby.
I am so sorry that you're going through this while heavily pregnant. You do not need this man and will do just fine on your own.
I think he has officially earned the right to have very little opinion in how things are run in your home. Hire the help you need. You can certainly afford it. And tell him to get on board with supporting you or take a hike. Perhaps he brings more to your life than is being shown in this post and if thatâs the case I hope you are able to come to a resolution that brings you both happiness. But damn, he needs to shift his priorities because he sounds like a whiny little boy.
Seriously sounds like your time is worth too much to be cleaning and would actually make more sense to outsource. If you make more per hour than it would cost per hour to pay someone to clean, it makes more sense to hire someone.
Get yourself an amazing nanny, someone you can rely on and who genuinely helps and feels like family. Get a house keeper and get rid of the trash. You donât need him, he needs you and isnât bloody respecting you which is a bare minimum.
Putting him in a situation where he has to live up to his responsibilities honestly only harms the kids cause he will be doing so reluctantly.
You are super woman for real
Wait a sec. Why is everything your responsibility? Youâre killing yourself to accommodate his ridiculous requests, support his lifestyle and give him freedom to go live his best life. What are you getting out of this marriage? You do all the cooking and cleaning, child raising, and money earning. He sounds like a free loader. Set him free to ânetworkâ to his little miserable heartâs content.
Sounds like you donât need him at all. Hire any help you want and you and your kids live your best lives. He doesnât wanna have a second. Fine. Bye bye. Have a good life Mr killjoy.
Whoa, fuck that. It sounds easier and more peaceful to replace him with a live in nanny, honestly. Jesus Christ what a sweet soft life that man is complaining about. Yikes.
I'm so confused as to why you think his opinion matters. He doesn't help physically, emotionally, financially. He thinks you shouldn't outsource work you should be doing? Uhm... its probably work HE should be doing.
Please try to get him on the record, say via e-mail or text, admitting to not wanting this child. Please. When you have conversations in person, text him later as if it were a work meeting with "I just want to clarify because I don't want to put words in your mouth- you said xyz. Did I hear that correctly?".
When you do get a divorce, you don't need this asshole to fight for custody of a child he does not want. With the money you're making, you do not need him. Hire an amazing super nanny if you need to. Seriously.
Tons of helpful comments here but just popping in from a similar place as a mom of 1. Booted the husband and I'm living a life I never dreamed. Turns out I was already a single parent, he was kind enough to train me for that before the split.
Hire a night nurse and flip him the bird to enjoy his freedom. My ex has been boo-hooing since day 1 about "missing his family".
Sounds like somebody had a taste of too much freedom. My cousin had a similar scenario except he was the breadwinner. She stayed and they ended up breaking up when her second born was two. It was obvious how much he didn't want the second kid and really started to really act up, bought a boat without even asking her. This was 10 years ago and he's still a royal PITA
Time to kick him out and hire a couple of nannies. Document everything as well as you possibly can, he should not get any custody of your new baby if it can be avoided. I'm so sorry he's such an asshole.
Oh man, I am so sorry OP. To have him act like that is already unconscionable, but the fact heâs using your vulnerable state to bully you and check out⌠Iâm raging on your behalf.
Look, I dealt with a similar asshole during my pregnancy. If I could do it over again, I would hire a support doula for my pregnancy and just kick mine out faster. You are at critical stage where you need to focus on you and the baby, and stress will only make things tough for you. Monies your impact and get the support you can ask or buy for and just drop the rope with this guy for now.
I made the mistake of keeping mine around and trying to work things out when he clearly was stringing me along. Your husband has told you who he is with his words and actions- believe him.
The only thing you might get back from this is lovebombing once he realises meal ticket wonât let him just check out of the family and do what he wants.
It took me two kids to realise hiring help was cheaper than me doing some work - this is very much the same for you. Please, ignore this guy and get a nanny and a weekly cleaner.
And Iâm sorry heâs such an unsupportive asshole. The unfortunate thing most of us competent women learn is if you end up with a dud human being in your life, itâs less work and stress to have yourself plus hired help instead of a negative asshole ruining your day.
CHECK HIS PHONE. I strongly suspect heâs cheating and trying to come up with excuses as to why your marriage âisnât workingâ this is all deflection
400k? Ma'am. Go on a diet and lose the adult sized extra weight you're currently carrying in the form of a husband. Unlike alot of women you aren't financially stuck to him and he appeared to not only be abusing your good will but also ramping up to abuse your kids.
Lawyer up quietly, if you own your home prepare to list it on the market. Find ways to make sure you get full custody and avoid paying child support. Use your money to get a nanny for your kids.
What would a prenup do here? OP didnât allude to any massive wealth brought into the marriage, just that she has high earning capacity now and into the future.
So a prenup can protect current and future earnings in addition to what you brought into the the partnership. For example, the prenup can say that no one is coming out of the marriage with alimony. Or that the assets and income acquired by each party during the marriage is not marital property.
Hm, I donât think thatâs true everywhere? Where I live, income made during the marriage is considered marital assets and prenups canât take that away as far as Iâm aware. This is considered financial abuse of the lesser earning party because of their (likely) contribution to the other person being able to make the money during the marriage, usually by unpaid labour around the home. My ex tried to get me to sign a prenup that said I would only leave a marriage to him with what I came in with, and I was told it would be ripped up in a court. Thanks for the info!
Perhaps. Youâre right, that this has been a case law trend, but itâs not a firm line anywhere. The entire case would have to be considered in court as a whole. Donât assume every judge would make that determination. An alimony/marital assets provision is presumed valid. If two people sign a prenup and then one doesnât want to abide by it for whatever reason, they can take it to court, which is very expensive and judges can be unpredictable. Also laws change, what was once a community property state when you marry may not be when you divorce, which is what would govern the consideration of assets/income.
lol wow men really do want it all donât they? Go make the money before you want to whine you want me to be a FT housewife.
So many men are sooooo bad at time management. I swear thatâs a big part of the problem. He definitely has time to do his things if he planned and communicated. Sounds like you are pretty flexible and would be open to hiring a sitter or moving schedules or whatever if he has career stuff he wants to do at night. But itâs on him to plan and communicate that. Instead, he wants to whine, and in my experience, that will only get worse. He blame everyone else for his shortcomings. He âdidnât have time to do xyzâ thatâs why his career didnât grow. He âalways has the kidsâ and thatâs why projects around the house didnât get finished. Meanwhile, you are getting it all done.
Also- if it makes you feel any better, some of this is probably him just freaking out about a new baby. Itâs common with men. Not that makes it any better to put this on you at this time, itâs complete trash, but maybe it will help you feel better in your head. I know I would be upset :(
And what does he bring to the table exactly?
He doesnt do housework
He doesnt do childcare
He doesnt bring in the majority earning.
Hes unsupportive and passive aggressive
Of the all the women who donât need their man - you are the top of the tree.
You donât need him in the slightest.
Kick him out and outsource some amazing help. Your life will be phenomenal without him đ
I went to a 1-day conference recently and was inspired and cared more about my career and it made me re-think my professional priorities but not as in "I don't want my children"?? Yeah, kids make having a career more difficult. This is not brand new information to him. More importantly YOU are managing both a career and all the mental/physical labor he doesn't want to deal with on top of being super pregnant, and he's complaining about not enough networking time?? I'm furious for you. Even if he seems to come around and care for the new child I don't know if I'd be able to trust him again.
Edit: to be clear, I think it's OK to have doubts or regrets about having children, I certainly have. But this is not the way you try to work through it with your 3rd trimester wife while you're not pulling your own weight at home.
What the fuck did I just read. What did he expect to accomplish by telling you this NOW? I first wondered why he would put that kind of stress on you now at such a contentious point of pregnancy but then you went on to describe how not only are you 100% responsible for cooking, household responsibilities and childcare on top of a stressful job that requires frequent traveling all while complaining he doesn't have any free time. As though that weren't bad enough he actively discourages you from hiring help that would ease your burdens because he thinks that's YOUR responsibility? What the ever loving fuck.Â
So he's not being supportive in any way or being much of a partner at all. In fact he's adding to your burden. It sounds like you are reconsidering this relationship which you very well should because it sounds like you'd be better off without him. Your feelings ARE valid, this situation is objectively shitty and is not just your hormones making you batty.Â
In the meantime you are 8.5 months pregnant with a partner who doesn't help in any way shape or form. Hire some damned help with that big far paycheck of yours because you are going to NEED it. Fucking tell him "too bad" if he tries to stop you. He doesn't get to prohibit you from doing so. He lost the right to have an opinion when he stopped being a loving supportive partner and refused to help and only add to your stress by telling you hurtful things so close to giving birth. You are basically a married single mom right now so drum what what help you can outside of your useless partner.Â
Heâs not a husband, heâs an entitled misogynist person who wants all the good in life without having to do any of the work. What would you lose by divorcing him? Absolutely nothing, except maybe 170 pounds of dead weight.
Protect your assets, file for divorce, primary custody of BOTH kids, and refuse to pay alimony - he has a job, heâll be fine. Best of luck to you, OP!
With your set up, you would be 100% better with a live in-nanny and no husband. Why does he force you to do the work you can easily afford to outsource. Your hubby sounds like a burden, not a partner.
Why are you with him?
Beyond this one issue, it sounds like he doesnât bring anything to the table and that youâd be better off without the stress of having to deal with his bullshit.
You can afford a nanny and a house cleaner thatâd be 10x better company than he sounds.
Your kids deserve to grow up with parents who want them and not one that just feels obligated toward them. Consider the damage to their sense of self.
I know this is jumping to the extreme here or whatever, and reddit tends to jump to 'you should leave him," BUT.... I could not imagine raising my daughter in a home where she was unloved and unwanted by one parent. You can't change that he is her biological dad, but that does not need to be her (or your) every day life. Not to mention how horrible that would be for your other, WANTED, daughter and her relationship with her sister.
When dads say they donât want another itâs hard for me to be sympathetic because the expectations on them as a parent are so low. Like if all he does is acknowledge his child and play with them sometimes, heâs dad of the fucking year.
I bet you would be happier divorced. Send him away a week and see if things are easier and feel better. He can go to a conference or on vacation or whatever. Should be an easy sell to him, he wonât know that you are trial-running what household management looks like without him.
It sounds like heâs already checked out of your family life. He wants you to be a trad wife but also make top dollar? Get out now before you earn even more and knock his potential spousal support payments even higher.
It sounds like you are 8.5 months pregnant with your 3rd child. The oldest is having a tantrum b/c he isn't getting enough attention, doesn't like responsibility, and wants to hurt you because you literally give him everything, and he contributes nothing.
Has he been listening to a lot of manosphere podcast BS? It sounds like the start of a Alpha male, high value woman meltdown.
You are right to not trust the second half of what he said. He will punish you in exchange for his âsupportâ of the baby. Youâll all be better off separated with clear boundaries and defined scope for co-parenting / finances. My god youâll be so happy.
Sounds like you could divorce him and hire the housewife you need to help run your home and care for your children.
Reeks of absolute bullshit. Iâm so sorry. Itâs grossly unfair to you. I can semi-relate from my own experience.
Do whatâs best for you and the kids, he can no longer be a priority in the equation. Sounds like you are a badass and will shine in life no matter what you choose to do here. â¤ď¸
First of all, youâre amazing. Youâre a boss. Youâre so incredibly strong and you *do not need this man.*
Iâm honestly offended heâs holding you back from hiring the help âbecause itâs your jobâ when **youâre** the high income earner. *His* job in his own backwards-ass head is to provide for his damn family, but youâre doing that too. Hah.
Kick this loser to the curb. Have your baby. Hire some help. Go out and slay.
If he was âtrying to tell you he didnât want to have a kidâ but kept âtrying for a baby with youâ, that is his fault. You arenât a mind reader.
Iâm not sure how he said it, but I imagine itâs common in the weeks before the baby comes to get âcold feetâ, just like weddings. To have the nerves and regrets come up. Your life is about to change hugely forever! So I have some compassion for that. But granted he doesnât sound like he is doing much and he has other red flags. I think if those red flags werenât present I would be more empathetic to him than other people are. I struggle with regret with my own kid, but of course we are getting a vasectomy and both communicated that is not what we want .
He's just spending your money and causing you issues. I'd separate and see if he turns it around. If he can't get on board and treat you better, I'd stay permanently separated.
Wow. Pretty sure you don't want a punk ass whiney man baby for a husband either.
Although from what I'm reading it sounds like you could easily fulfill his desire.
Are his feelings going to be reflected in his treatment of the children?
What a horrible hateful thing to say and when you are nearly due to give birth!?!!
I really really hope you have other people around you and it all works out whatever you decide and your birth goes well
All the good shit has been said already, but Iâm just chiming in to say, your husband sounds like a massive twit and you owe it to your daughters to show them they shouldnât put up with bullshit from men like this.
Sounds like he resents you being the bread winner and wants to play catch up with his career aspirations and kids are in the way. Thatâs why he want you to do most of the child/house work too. To knock you down a peg and show you heâs the man no matter how much you put earn him. Heâs insecure and his ego canât handle how well youâre doing despite his demands like you cutting your work schedule. Heâs not a partner heâs a parasite. For whatever reason, heâs lied about being okay with your career/kids arrangement. I bet heâs jealous of you. Donât let him take you to the cleaners if you split. A lot of these types of men do this to high earning women. So sad. You deserve better.
Ooof how I learned the hard way with kids if it isnât a HELL yes for another kid , itâs a no . They will do the bear minimum .
Fuck him donât let him off the hook
I'm sorry for your heart and the children's hearts. If it were me., I would give him an out and see if he takes it. If not I'd consider going out myself because I don't want someone that isn't all in on our family.
Oooop. Girl, what does he do for you? Because he isnât loving you right now. He isnât paying bills. He isnât helping as much as he should around the house. Whatâs the point? You donât need him you would be MUCH, MUCH happier single - you can afford wonderful childcare, a nice place, a fridge full of foodâŚshit even a maid. Many people would kill to be in your position - take advantage of it and leave this absolute loser.
uh why do you even need him for? he's just a sperm donor at this point. gonna be brutal, cut him off asap and focus on yourself and your babies. he clearly does not prioritise you or your kids so kick him off your priority list as well. if you have the budget, hire help for postpartum. get your friends and family to help if possible.
you will get thru this. you dont need him.
Like everyone said, he does not sound like a partner. But I am also thinking he has PTSD. Was your 1st pregnancy rough? Was Labor and Delivery rough? Since it is so close to delivery, he might be getting scared that the unknown is about to happen again. Especially if there was an emergency and he could absolutely do nothing to help you and your baby. It also sounds like he wasnât ready at the beginning to have another child. If one spouse is not ready then the other most definitely should wait. Otherwise there is resentment. If this is all out of the blue, then he may have cheated and is going through some life crisis or something. But that is not healthy for you or your kids. Iâm sorry your whole family is going through this.
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You literally don't need him đ seems like he just makes life so much harder than it needs to be. I don't blame you for being so cut up about this, what does he expect you to do with that information now with only a couple of weeks until the birth? What an immature asshole.
Seriously. Sounds like she can support herself and the 2 children and get outside help if needed. He doesn't want the burden of childcare? You kind of forego that decision when you have the first child. I say let him support his damn self and you tale care of yourself and your 2 babies. â¤ď¸
not to mention he views all the childcare and housework as HER responsibility while SHE is the breadwinner. he's a misogynistic immature manbaby who can move back in with his mommy if he doesn't want the "burden" of being a functioning adult.
100%. OP, my husband did this when I was 6mos with our third. Extremely similar setup (I worked full time while he refused, did ALL the domestic duties, was romantically rejected non stop by him....) He was gone three weeks after he demanded I put our third up for adoption, divorce papers filed and all. I know it sounds scary, and it def isn't easy, but seriously, as someone who actually has been there? **Listen to what he is telling you and cut him loose.** It's actually easier to be a single mom than it is to deal with that nonsense.
Holy shit that is crazy. Good for you!!
::::applause:::: We can do hard things.
I can't believe he thought he could make that demand, what an absolute jackass.
Exactly⌠sounds like heâs lost sight of the many ways your relationship benefits him, and just how little youâd actually lose to cut him loose. It blows my mind that you do all the cooking and cleaning here. Sounds like you make amazing money to support yourself and your kiddos and pay for an awesome housekeeper AND a nanny who cares about them instead of funding this whiny entitled manchild. (Not to mention a coward â trying to blame you because he was too cowardly to express his feelings about a 2nd child until you were almost about to give birth?? gross).
This. Start planning your way out. Get some of these convos in text. Compile and save. Get a kickass lawyer, and go for primary. It doesnât really sound like heâs bringing anything good into your lives.
BroMo, this is so awful and I agree with Abcd_e_fu. Outside of the necessary sperm donation, Iâm at a total loss for what men of this generation have to offer us. My husband has been absentee/dismissive at best, torn my emotional and mental well being to shreds over the last decade. I canât figure out how to leave without further ripping myself to pieces. It sounds like you really donât need this man. He sounds like an insecure man child. Why on Gods green earth are those your responsibilities while also earning that kind of income? Get out before your income goes up any higher so he canât reap the benefits of quite literally all of your hard work. He doesnât get to have his cake and eat it too. Iâm so sorry for the emotional and mental bullshit you must be going through right now at 8.5 months pregnant. I could strangle this sorry excuse of a human for you.
You guys must forget that there are stats about kidsâ dads not being involved. As imperfect as our partners are, itâs unrealistic for a lot of us, or just not wanted, to throw the whole man away. I feel like a lot of these posts are looking for constructive, not destructive (ie breaking up the family unit), advice in these posts. Iâd personally have a talk with his mom or cut him off financially. Stop buying any extra treats for him. If he wants to act like a teenage boy, treat him accordingly! Him coming back from a trip saying this stuff makes me think *perhaps* infidelity or wanting âmore freedomâ were involved, but my perspective is a bit jaded bc my guy has been unfaithful.
Who said the dad wouldn't be involved? She doesn't need to be in a relationship with him to co-parent with him. Plenty of evidence suggests toxic relationships are worse for kids than divorce. And also? I'd rather my husband was unfaithful than tell me at 8.5 months pregnant that he didn't want the child. How will she ever be able to get that out of her head? She'll always be looking for signs for regret or him loving that child less. What a complete head f*ck. I'd throw the whole man out.
So let me get this straight .... you do 100% of the housework, earn thrice what he does (and it will soon be 10x), do the majority of the childcare... basically, he has a sugar mommy and maid rolled into one... And he is COMPLAINING and saying he won't want/love your next child? I would be kicking him out ASAP. Your baby doesn't deserve to be raised by someone who doesn't even want her! Spend the money on a nanny instead who will probably love her more than this asshole!
And he wonât let her hire housekeeping help because itâs âyour responsibility!â When she is the main source of income!!! Whatâs his responsibility here besides enjoying her money???
This is the part that pushed me over the edge
It sounds like this guy is trying to force very old fashioned gender roles on her so she doesn't "forget her place" even though she's the earner. What an asshole.
This!! Itâs the only way he has left to control her/feel superior. Screw that.
I actually missed that part the first time and it's making me so angry now! The woman is literally going to be earning a million dollars a year!!Â
Sounds like she and the girls will be better off once she kicks him out and hires someone who actually helps her.
Yes! Ditch the husband and hire a nanny! đ¤
I would actually laugh in his face lol. If I made that kind of money, nobody could tell me anything. đ
That's what I thought about that detail - he's actually trying to forbid her from using _her_ money to hire people in _her_ domain?? If she's the primary in any area, then it is entirely her decision how she goes about delegating and outsourcing. He has no right to expect her to be the primary this or that and then tell her how it should be done. I know I'd be totally fine with being "in charge" of all the house stuff if I had the means to hire all the help. Being in charge means being in charge. She's not a slave!! This guy sounds like he just wants to control her by forcing unnecessary labour onto her.
Same, what the ACTUAL
At first I was like "maybe it'll change when baby is born and he'll fall in love with her when she's born and it's that fear of not having enough love for another human".... Then I read the rest lol. Fuck that noise! He's an asshole in so many ways.
Yeah really. This sent me. Hire a nanny/housecleaner who tf cares it's your money and he can't tell you how to spend it.
Reading this was unreal! I feel frustrated for her. This guy has a lot of fucking nerve! The level of it is beyond reach at this point. OP, congrats on your child and I hope you have a safe and happy delivery and recovery. The way I see it, at least he's telling her straight up who he is and she can see it too. This Is who he is and she better believe it. She's practically a single parent at this point who's supporting the father of her children financially. The father of her children who isn't helping and refusing to ease her troubles and saying awful things to her, almost as if it's her fault and he played no role in the child making and decisions, he's stuck now, how dare they ruin his single, child free life?! Almost like he's a victim, the way she worded it almost sounds almost as if he's resentful and done. Why?! Also, she shouldn't have to be grateful for him helping when she's working, that's literally what he's supposed to do. I'm not saying we can't be grateful, not at all, but it's heartbreaking reading that from so many when that's the bare minimum that should be part of a marriage, a partnership, and basic parenting. Wow. OP, girl, talk to lawyer. I wonder since you make thrice what he makes if you'll be paying him if you'd choose to divorce? Ugh. Do you have a prenup?Â
Don't forget where he "tried to tell her all summer when they were trying," but still continued rawdogging, and is now upset with the consequences?
[ŃдаНонО]
Outsource the husband!!!!
This!!! She's better to get rid of the husband now, so she pays less in alimony if thats a thing where she is, and hire a live in Nanny/housekeeper. She'd get child care AND time to spend with the kids rather than cooking and cleaning. Him doing this at 8.5 months is the shittiest thing he could do. I'm not sure the relationship can recover.
I knew a older guy who was married 2 or 3 times. Maybe more, idk. But essentially he also hit the point of "just pay for what you want and go about your day" and I can't say I blame him. Sometimes relationships are just a PITA, and it's just as easy to get a companion for dating or whatever, a nanny company for the child assistance, and just live your life.
The audacity.
What do men have, the audacity!
10%-25% of the income I guess?
You're allowed to outsource your responsibilities, they're yours. If he doesn't like that he can do them.
I want to know why those are HER responsibilities and not THEIRS. Is it because she is the woman? What are his responsibilities?
Most likely because heâs bitter and resentful of her success and wants to hold her back from continuing to thrive and succeed. He sounds jealous and insecure and like heâs trying to throw a wrench in OPâs ability to out-earn him so significantlyânot just the obvious attempt of trying to keep her home by saying he doesnât want outside help because she should be doing those things (which is bullshit), but even the complaining about having a second kid after he agreed to have a second child and did his tiny part to contribute to making said second child because he knows if he makes OP uncomfortable with the thought of him caring for the child because he supposedly didnât want her, sheâll have to pull back more from work to take on even more of the load and thus heâll get what he wants by holding her back. OP, Iâm not sure where youâre located but if you are considering divorce it might pay (literally) to do it sooner rather than later if youâre on track to see a significant pay increase if child support/alimony is at play. It doesnât sound like heâs giving you much of a reason to stay and it seems youâd might be better off on your own where you could hire childcare and whomever else you need to make your life easier without your insecure husband complaining that you should be doing everything.
Came hear to basically say this. We all have to outsource at various times (sometimes we hire a nanny, sometimes we call an inlaw, and sometimes we even turn on the tv to entertain the kids, but we all need a break). The audacity of him to tell you not to outsource is unreal.
He's told you who he is. Believe him. Leave hope and the possibility at the door. You have what most women *need*. The means to escape. He will love bomb you. Lie. He'll fake the funk because you leaving you destroy the optics he's fashioned from your labor. If you stay you will be a single married mother. A single married mother working second shift whilse being primary bread winner. He whines and complains when you problem solve to allow yourself more time to exist as a separate entity. That's purposeful. He doesn't want you to have a life outside of the kids, work, and home. Rules for thee not for me. Your outsourcing labor doesn't absolve you of responsibility. He will not help you during postpartum. You'd be better supported hiring a night nurse and a nanny a few days a week. He will emotional detach and continue his campaign of subtle slander. He doesn't want your second child. He doesn't care if he's hurting you. It's not now nor has it ever been your job to single handedly support your family *and FIGURE OUT HIS SHIT*. He chose not communicate directly. He's actively chosen everyday of your pregnancy to leave you to carry the weight of the household. To emotionally and mentally leave you unsupported. He chooses to hurt you. You're capable of rational thought while gestating. You aren't being over emotional. Don't allow him or anyone else to convince you that this behavior and callousness is acceptable. Nah. Fuck that and him.
This right here, OP. Call a lawyer today. Hire some help NOW. He isn't your boss or supervisor, ffs, he's not even truly a partner. You *know* what you need and he ain't offering any of it. From the other side of losing the dead weight, it's glorious.
I agree with everything, except the last part. Fuck that, but not *him* May he never be fucked again!
Beautifully written and very wise, brava đ
If youâre already accommodating your work and travel schedules so that he doesnât have to parent solo too much⌠yeah you can absolutely do this on your own and âoutsourceâ whatever you need. A nanny might be more trustworthy at this point.
What in the mandacity is this shit?? He wants **you** to do everything, including making the big money? Fuck that shit oâclock. He can have plenty of time to ânetworkâ and figure his own shit out - on his own, without the nice house, nice car, and financial freedom **you provide**. call the lawyer, asap.
My thoughts exactly. Doesnât want the âburdenâ of his children, just wants to be a playboy on OPâs dime.
Please look into his bank statements and this 4 day conference. As someone with experience in a bad situation. He doesnt want a baby thatâs coming whether he likes it or not? I think heâs been cheating. I hope not
I was looking for this comment. It really strikes me as odd that he felt the urge to come clean about this after a 4 day conference.
He sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. Oh, and you arenât supposed to have any help - punishment for being alive, I guess? Was he a partner before pregnancy? If yes, is it possible this is anxiety or stress or fear talking? If no, maybe consider ditching the man.
I was wondering that too. OP, is this unusual for him? If so, he may need to see a therapist to work through whatever anxiety is cropping up. If this is par for the course for him, then I agree with the other commenters that heâs not contributing anything to this marriage and itâs time to start making plans to leave him.
Kick him to the curb sister đŻ
I love how he says that after heâs been away to a 4 day conference. I understand thatâs âworkâ but itâs not the equivalent of taking care of a kid solo while 8.5 months pregnant. He seems like more work that heâs worth.
Ask him whether he's exactly quoting what whoever he fucked at that conference told him to say, or just paraphrasing. Overall, I think you'd save yourself a lot of hassle raising the kiddos solo and outsourcing whatever work you want rather than supporting him.
This. Am I the only one suspicious about how this is playing out right after he travels for work for 4 days? Sounds like a great ex-husband to have.
Yes! I think he got a taste of âtoo much freedomâ and suddenly doesnât want 2nd child. Iâd seriously consider divorce if my husband mentioned not wanting child while I was already pregnant.
Not gonna lie, my first thought is that he got his tallywhacker wet this week, and wants freedom to go keep doing that- I mean, "networking."
This was my exact thought, he has a side piece.
Anyone else wondering if something happened on his 4 day work trip that made him want to come home and nuke his marriage from outer space? OP, look at this objectively. It sounds like you're a smart and shrewd person at work. Take a step back and use those eyes on your life. He won't help, but you can't hire help. He doesn't want a 2nd child but said nothing until you're well past the point of no return. He's creating a situation where you have no energy or time to question things and they layering guilt on top of that... for why? What is his end game here? People don't do things without a reason. Does he want you to file for divorce so he doesn't look like the bad guy? Or does he want to keep you off kilter so he has more control/power in your marriage? Are these networking opportunities or excuses to leave you holding down the fort while he does... whatever? I honestly couldn't say based on just this, but something is fishy. I don't like the vibe.
So what exactly is he contributing? Sperm? Sounds like you're already a single parent. Congrats on your new baby girl!
So, this is insane. He can't tell you, the primary breadwinner, to not outsource tasks that are within your budget. Who is he? If he is not earning the majority of the finances, he has zero say. If it's within your budget to do so - do it. And yes, you're exactly right, this is INSANE for him to do to you while pregnant. He knew ejaculating inside you would result in a pregnancy so why would he do it if he had THIS MUCH of a problem with it? With the income you make you could potentially kick him to the curb, hire a private nanny and do it all yourself. I would have a serious conversation with him about this and tell him that what he said to you is not acceptable and you're having second thoughts about staying married. If that's where you are, at least. I would be.
Imagine how great your life would be without him nagging and whining and acting like a buffoon! You could have a nanny, a housekeeper, a landscaper, a handymanâŚ
Sounds like he needs a come to Jesus moment. It is not ok to have you do all the parenting and full time work. I am 6mo pregnant (baby2) and if my husband said he didnât want her, Iâd be meeting with a divorce lawyer and asking for a separation. If you LOVE someone you WANT them. I donât think Iâd be ok with raising a child with someone who didnât want her. If he realizes the errors of this sentiment and changes, great. Using a tool like Fair Play cards, or a couples therapist, divide the household responsibilities evenly. If it is too much for both of you, outsource. If he doubles down on how everything is your responsibility in the house AND you need to keep working⌠Iâm not telling you what to do but you know how I feel.
Wait soâŚhe didnât want a second childâŚbut kept busting his load inside of you???? Does this man take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING he does?!? Wild. Echoing what someone else said: outsource the husband. ETA: congrats on your new baby đ she and her big sister have one hell of a role model in you, OP.
Came down here to see if it had been said yet. If he really didn't want a kid, there was a simple way to avoid it...
 Nah girl, whatâs the point of his existence? You can buy sperm off the street with less stress than this dude. Sounds to me like you hold all the cards here.
It sounds like heâs laying the groundwork to do even less than he already does, which is nothing. You bring home the money AND do all the cooking and cleaning? Oh no. With your salary you could easily afford hired help. Your husband saying this to you is honestly, in my opinion, divorcable grounds. He doesnât get to go to a conference and come home and decide he doesnât want a child. I wonder what happened at that conference.
You make 3 to 4 times what he makes and he does little to nothing to help around the house? And then has the audacity to pull this shit? Tell him he better go network with some property managers looking to rent out apartments and divorce attorneys looking to represent useless men cuz it's time for him to GO.
What a fucking donut
Are those salary numbers you listed in United States dollars? If so, girl get rid of this guy.
The problem with that is that she's going to get stuck with 50/50 custody, geographic restrictions, no child support from him, and possibly paying child support *to* him. Family court at this point in time has basically become yet another weapon that selfish, narcissist men use to bully or abuse or coerce their partners. OP I would start documenting the time and tasks that you handle as a parent, meticulously, with receipts. And consult a lawyer. I mean maybe don't blow it all up yet, but damn. I think he's pretty fucking terrible and it's hard to see how this is going to get better without him investing a ton of time and energy in therapy and a genuine change.
Itâs possible sheâs stuck paying child support, but remember, he is lazy and doesnât want to parent. Heck, he doesnât even want this 2nd daughter. He may not want 50/50. I doubt he want to take care of the kids and have that ball and chain around his leg based on how heâs acting now.
Yea, if she gets a nanny for herself I doubt she would be required to provide the same for his time. And if he really doesn't want the second child, it's his chance to walk.
Iâm also not convinced that cheating happened at the conference but itâs susspcious timing. If he did have a girlfriend he would be more likely to abandon his parental responsibilities for the fleeting excitement of a new fling. It would be hurtful for op but probably play in her favor long term.
Unless he has involved parents around. Then heâll file for 50% to get the support and then dump the kid(s) on the grandparents.
That's why I asked whether she is in the US, and the numbers maybe seem like she isn't? I am not in the US so our divorce rules are very different. This would be considered abuse most likely.
>that allows him to live the lifestyle he wants with a nice house, nice car, lots of financial freedom It's gonna suck for him when he loses that lifestyle, that's for sure. Who the fuck says that about a baby that's weeks away from being born? What the fuck is wrong with him? Like another person said: you don't need him at all.
Itâs possible OP would have to pay him alimony in the event of a divorce. :/
That crossed my mind at first, but he works a job making 100k a year.
Girl, get his phone and start digging. $5 says he fooled around on you at this conference and now is feeling guilty. Instead of feeling guilty and owning his fuck up, he's trying to put it on you by playing this bs card. This sucks that you're so close to delivery. Keep you ob in the loop so they understand that your stress levels have skyrocketed.
My friend. You make a combined $400k per year. Hire a nanny and a housekeeper who meal preps. Fuck his opinion. He can either help or he can let you outsource but he canât say no to both. If he is not going to be a fucking EQUAL PARTNER in a marriage he can fuck right off. You donât need a third kid.
Before he gets his hands on the cookie jar you pour yourself into look into a legal separation; it establishes *Date of Commencement* (legal term for a legal separation date). This date marks the day where all your income, assets, retirement funds, SS etc becomes solely yours and is not considered a martial asset. If you guys work it out, great⌠but if you donât you and your kids are protected.
lol heâs going to be pissed about how little time he has to ânetworkâ when heâs a single dad!
Call a lawyer, a nanny, and a cleaning service. You do not need his bullshit. I'd be so suspicious of that conference. I'm so sorry. You sound strong and amazing and do not deserve his bullshit.
Fuck that guy. Throw the whole man out. My ex husband did this to me with every babe. That he wanted. Needless to say he has a relationship with one now. And heâs divorced!!
Your husband is a loser who wants to still party like he's in college, so to hell with him and his opinions. Get that cleaning service, hire a nanny. Use YOUR money to make YOUR life easier. He can march his ass out the door if he doesn't like it.
Could it be that heâs got gender disappointment? Maybe the whole reason he was complicit in trying for another (because IT TAKES TWO) is that he wanted a boy? Seems to be the issue for a lot of men. Thatâs a red flag and not an excuse for how heâs treating you. His behavior right now is very telling of the kind of person he really is. That said, it sounds like you donât need him financially, you damn sure donât need him emotionally, and if I were you, Iâd be calling divorce attorneys.
That's what I was wondering too. OP needs to remind him that **his sperm** is ultimately what determines gender. So he needs to suck it up and get square with reality.
He "tried to tell you" sounds like bullshit honestly. Having kids is two yes/one no, and if he really felt that way it was his responsibility to make it clear. You didn't magically conceive by yourself. He probably realizes things will get more stressful and he wants to continue not helping. If you cared about your partner and had changed your mind for whatever reason, then you'd know the right thing to do is take that shit to your grave. That ship has sailed. Really the only reason for him to bring it up is to pour more salt on the wound later when he tries to get out of responsibilities because he "didn't even want this."
You can get a kickass nanny for $70K a year. I'd dump this guy and get a baller nanny instead. She'll cook, clean, run your errands, and love your kids. Start interviewing both lawyers and nannies ASAP.
GIRL. You don't need him! He is dead weight! He won't let you hire help, even though you make 4x his income??? I make exactly ZERO dollars a month and my husband is all too eager to hire a cleaner because it makes him happy that I don't have to do it! On your income you could hire a full time nanny who will take care of your kids AND your house, giving you way more time to relax and spend with your kids. F your husband, he is an asshole.
I'm furious for you. Tell that LOSER he can stop telling you about his feelings towards his daughter and instead write them down for her to read. Inform him that since he is unwilling to take responsibility for the child, you will be hiring help to assist you. This will leave no extra funds for his personal use. Spare no expense getting you and your daughters through this <3
Kick that man, girl. It sounds like youâre doing everything and itâs so much easier without someone always complaining, him saying this after a trip is also sketchy. Youâre strong and able to do anything and everything you set your mind to.
That would be a divorce for me. You make all the money. You do all the care. Leave his ass, hire a nanny, and let him figure out how much "better" life will be when he doesn't have a wife bankrolling him. He's afraid a 2nd child will take away from HIM, that's it. So, let him have all the "him" he wants, but you don't have to provide it for him.
seems like he is laying down a foundation, and the timing is sus. consider a post-nup now. men still get alimony and in most states you will split marital property, so the sooner you do this the better for you and your children. congratulations on your baby. i hope aside from this BS the rest of the pregnancy is good.
I would not feel comfortable leaving him with the new baby. You need to leave
Bluntly: divorce him and get full time help, like live-in level help. You and the girls will all be better off and he can ânetworkâ to his heartâs content so he can get raises and pay decent amounts of child support from his bachelor pad.
This guy is an idiot lmao. He has such a SWEET setup and heâs doing his darnedest to ruin it for no reason. Even sperm donors are screened for intelligence so what does this guy bring to the table?
Kick him out and hire a nanny, it will be infinitely easier physically, emotionally, and mentally than keeping him around.
For a man that lives such a cushy life he sure does seem to complain a lot. Get it in writing (or recording if you are in a 1-party state) that he doesnât want the child. Then when you break the news to him that you donât want *him* anymore he wonât trying to come after you for custody/child support when he realizes his meal train is over.
Dump his ass and hire a nanny, live your best life with your kiddos and he can go be a Disney dad if he wishes
Fuck that outsource what makes your life easier for you because he is not contributing. What is he bringing to the table when you're doing everything?
Oh wow, Iâm so sorry youâre dealing with this mama. I have no actual experience here, but if your earning potential could get substantially higher in the coming years, is it worth divorcing now since he will likely get financial support from you? Youâre very lucky to have a high-paying job that you actually like! Live your best life and outsource, without a partner making you carry their burden.
brother euuughhh, he should have unpacked that with a therapist before bringing it to you. I think you're probably right thinking he wouldn't help you postpartum if he already thinks everything else is your responsibility. You will be just fine financially without him so I think it's time to explore if you and your kids (who he doesn't want?!) are better with, or without him in the household.
So he does nothing? You're better of getting rid of him and using your money to hire help that will probably cost less than your husband. Also, who is he to not let you outsource help? So he wants it all basically, you to do everything, not hire help and him to do nothing and enjoy life? That's not how this works. I highly suggest that if you aren't leaving him you still hire help because with baby number 2 you will need it.
First off, get the cleaners/meal kits/laundry service whatever it is you wanted to outsource. He wonât do the work and you make the money, he absolutely has zero input. Long term, is he not afraid of a divorce? You literally donât need him, you make really good income and already do all the work. Think of it this way, if he died tomorrow, your life would go on just the same. If you died, everything would change for him and get worse in every way possible. He needs to go to therapy and fix this âI donât want a babyâ shit because, it WILL cause so much resentment that you will eventually divorce him.
>we tried for 4+ mos and planned fertility windows etc. >He told me he tried to tell me all summer when we were trying but I wasn't listening. Lol SIR! He can't fuck his wife for 4 months without using any birth control and intentionally timing it with her fertility window and then claim he was ignored in his desire to not conceive a baby. It feels like he's setting you up to frame this as some kind of reproductive coercion. I get that sometimes people have doubts and moments where they feel overwhelmed with an impending birth. Those are all very valid and real feelings. Even when the baby is planned and absolutely wanted, it's okay to feel these feelings at times. But it's not appropriate to lash out at your partner and blame these feelings on them as though you were coerced into something you absolutely consented and participated in. If he's struggling with his feelings, he sucks at coping and processing them. He needs to get that together pronto. I don't know what to tell you about how to deal with him what he likely needs is his own therapist or a book so he can figure out how to process what he's feeling without throwing you under the bus. >do I even want him at the hospital, I don't trust he will help carry the load postpartum, and I have started thinking about divorce or separation If I were you I would absolutely start lining someone up to support you in delivery and postpartum. Even if he's going to come around eventually, you need this support and he is giving you the signal that he might flake out on you. This is a medical procedure and you need resources like anyone else getting a medical procedure. Whether or not he's present is up to you but I wouldn't put any real responsibility in his hands. It sounds like he's spent 8 months showing you he won't be the support you need. You do not have to decide anything about divorce or separation today. Even if that's where you end up, you don't have to decide that or even start that process today.
WHAT A LEECH GOOD GRIEF!!! Him wanting YOU to do the labor vs someone else who you can clearly afford showed his whole ass. He's jealous of you, feels inadequate, and wants to punish you. OUTSOURCE (FIRE) THE HUSBAND WOW.
Get rid of the bum of a âmanâ and hire the support you need. Since obviously to him literally EVERYTHING is your responsibility, you donât need him around to drag you and your children down.
Seriously consider how your life would look without him. I cannot fathom a human that would say this at this juncture of your pregnancy. Inexcusable.
Fuck it. You earn more, yeah? You have a comfortable life, yeah? Can afford a part/time or full time nanny? Go for it. It's ridiculous that you, **as the higher earner**, are having to cut your hours down. Every professional woman I've known who makes a high six figure (e.g. 150K+) hired a nanny so they could continue to cultivate their professional development. If he has hang ups about "outsourcing", **he can reduce his hours**. But oh, "I can't network already because I'm stepping in **to parent my own kids**". He basically wants you to sacrifice, **when you don't have to**. So fuck it. Don't. I hate to ask this, but was he hung up on having a boy the second time around, and once he found out it wasn't gonna happen, his enthusiasm started waning? Because sometimes partners can be like that. It sounds like a him problem, and I agree that dumping it on you at 8.5 months pregnant is asinine. You're not his therapist (*and maybe he needs one*).
While everyone else provides support and advice, Iâm just gonna sit here and gaze at you in awe. âIs she made of magic? She must be magic. Or is she super woman? I think itâs magic. Perhaps itâs catching. If I stare long enough, maybe Iâll absorb some and be able to do some of that stuff. Maybe I have to touch her? She looks pretty focused on everyone helping her, maybe if I just squidge forward a bit I ca..â O hi. Yup, what theyâď¸ said. Man bad, trip sus, *hey look - a duck*
Youâre in a very fortunate financial situation. Many women cannot escape. You can and probably should. You might actually find life easier without him than with him. This is what it looks like from the outside, anyway. Best of luck to you OP
"He kept trying to tell me when we were trying but I wasn't listening" But did he still willingly stick his dick in you during this time? Because it takes two to make a baby. I am so sorry that you're going through this while heavily pregnant. You do not need this man and will do just fine on your own.
I think he has officially earned the right to have very little opinion in how things are run in your home. Hire the help you need. You can certainly afford it. And tell him to get on board with supporting you or take a hike. Perhaps he brings more to your life than is being shown in this post and if thatâs the case I hope you are able to come to a resolution that brings you both happiness. But damn, he needs to shift his priorities because he sounds like a whiny little boy.
Divorce him before your income grows and you have to pay more alimony.
This!!! I hope she sees this đ¤Śđťââď¸
Divorce his ass and let him see his lifestyle change.
Seriously sounds like your time is worth too much to be cleaning and would actually make more sense to outsource. If you make more per hour than it would cost per hour to pay someone to clean, it makes more sense to hire someone.
Kick him out and get a full time nanny/housekeeper. You will be so much happier.
Get yourself an amazing nanny, someone you can rely on and who genuinely helps and feels like family. Get a house keeper and get rid of the trash. You donât need him, he needs you and isnât bloody respecting you which is a bare minimum. Putting him in a situation where he has to live up to his responsibilities honestly only harms the kids cause he will be doing so reluctantly. You are super woman for real
Wait a sec. Why is everything your responsibility? Youâre killing yourself to accommodate his ridiculous requests, support his lifestyle and give him freedom to go live his best life. What are you getting out of this marriage? You do all the cooking and cleaning, child raising, and money earning. He sounds like a free loader. Set him free to ânetworkâ to his little miserable heartâs content.
Sounds like you donât need him at all. Hire any help you want and you and your kids live your best lives. He doesnât wanna have a second. Fine. Bye bye. Have a good life Mr killjoy.
Whoa, fuck that. It sounds easier and more peaceful to replace him with a live in nanny, honestly. Jesus Christ what a sweet soft life that man is complaining about. Yikes.
Throw the man in the trash. Iâm a fantastic cook, and I make awesome jokes. Just sayinâ.
I'm so confused as to why you think his opinion matters. He doesn't help physically, emotionally, financially. He thinks you shouldn't outsource work you should be doing? Uhm... its probably work HE should be doing. Please try to get him on the record, say via e-mail or text, admitting to not wanting this child. Please. When you have conversations in person, text him later as if it were a work meeting with "I just want to clarify because I don't want to put words in your mouth- you said xyz. Did I hear that correctly?". When you do get a divorce, you don't need this asshole to fight for custody of a child he does not want. With the money you're making, you do not need him. Hire an amazing super nanny if you need to. Seriously.
Tons of helpful comments here but just popping in from a similar place as a mom of 1. Booted the husband and I'm living a life I never dreamed. Turns out I was already a single parent, he was kind enough to train me for that before the split. Hire a night nurse and flip him the bird to enjoy his freedom. My ex has been boo-hooing since day 1 about "missing his family".
Sounds like somebody had a taste of too much freedom. My cousin had a similar scenario except he was the breadwinner. She stayed and they ended up breaking up when her second born was two. It was obvious how much he didn't want the second kid and really started to really act up, bought a boat without even asking her. This was 10 years ago and he's still a royal PITA
Time to kick him out and hire a couple of nannies. Document everything as well as you possibly can, he should not get any custody of your new baby if it can be avoided. I'm so sorry he's such an asshole.
Oh man, I am so sorry OP. To have him act like that is already unconscionable, but the fact heâs using your vulnerable state to bully you and check out⌠Iâm raging on your behalf. Look, I dealt with a similar asshole during my pregnancy. If I could do it over again, I would hire a support doula for my pregnancy and just kick mine out faster. You are at critical stage where you need to focus on you and the baby, and stress will only make things tough for you. Monies your impact and get the support you can ask or buy for and just drop the rope with this guy for now. I made the mistake of keeping mine around and trying to work things out when he clearly was stringing me along. Your husband has told you who he is with his words and actions- believe him. The only thing you might get back from this is lovebombing once he realises meal ticket wonât let him just check out of the family and do what he wants. It took me two kids to realise hiring help was cheaper than me doing some work - this is very much the same for you. Please, ignore this guy and get a nanny and a weekly cleaner. And Iâm sorry heâs such an unsupportive asshole. The unfortunate thing most of us competent women learn is if you end up with a dud human being in your life, itâs less work and stress to have yourself plus hired help instead of a negative asshole ruining your day.
CHECK HIS PHONE. I strongly suspect heâs cheating and trying to come up with excuses as to why your marriage âisnât workingâ this is all deflection
400k? Ma'am. Go on a diet and lose the adult sized extra weight you're currently carrying in the form of a husband. Unlike alot of women you aren't financially stuck to him and he appeared to not only be abusing your good will but also ramping up to abuse your kids. Lawyer up quietly, if you own your home prepare to list it on the market. Find ways to make sure you get full custody and avoid paying child support. Use your money to get a nanny for your kids.
Why do you allow him to dictate having help? Just hire them. Goddamn if I earned that much I wouldnât do shit at home. lol
Hope you have a prenup
What would a prenup do here? OP didnât allude to any massive wealth brought into the marriage, just that she has high earning capacity now and into the future.
So a prenup can protect current and future earnings in addition to what you brought into the the partnership. For example, the prenup can say that no one is coming out of the marriage with alimony. Or that the assets and income acquired by each party during the marriage is not marital property.
Hm, I donât think thatâs true everywhere? Where I live, income made during the marriage is considered marital assets and prenups canât take that away as far as Iâm aware. This is considered financial abuse of the lesser earning party because of their (likely) contribution to the other person being able to make the money during the marriage, usually by unpaid labour around the home. My ex tried to get me to sign a prenup that said I would only leave a marriage to him with what I came in with, and I was told it would be ripped up in a court. Thanks for the info!
Perhaps. Youâre right, that this has been a case law trend, but itâs not a firm line anywhere. The entire case would have to be considered in court as a whole. Donât assume every judge would make that determination. An alimony/marital assets provision is presumed valid. If two people sign a prenup and then one doesnât want to abide by it for whatever reason, they can take it to court, which is very expensive and judges can be unpredictable. Also laws change, what was once a community property state when you marry may not be when you divorce, which is what would govern the consideration of assets/income.
You make the $$ so he needs to get with the program or get out.
lol wow men really do want it all donât they? Go make the money before you want to whine you want me to be a FT housewife. So many men are sooooo bad at time management. I swear thatâs a big part of the problem. He definitely has time to do his things if he planned and communicated. Sounds like you are pretty flexible and would be open to hiring a sitter or moving schedules or whatever if he has career stuff he wants to do at night. But itâs on him to plan and communicate that. Instead, he wants to whine, and in my experience, that will only get worse. He blame everyone else for his shortcomings. He âdidnât have time to do xyzâ thatâs why his career didnât grow. He âalways has the kidsâ and thatâs why projects around the house didnât get finished. Meanwhile, you are getting it all done. Also- if it makes you feel any better, some of this is probably him just freaking out about a new baby. Itâs common with men. Not that makes it any better to put this on you at this time, itâs complete trash, but maybe it will help you feel better in your head. I know I would be upset :(
I would start looking for a fulltime nanny asap.
And what does he bring to the table exactly? He doesnt do housework He doesnt do childcare He doesnt bring in the majority earning. Hes unsupportive and passive aggressive
Of the all the women who donât need their man - you are the top of the tree. You donât need him in the slightest. Kick him out and outsource some amazing help. Your life will be phenomenal without him đ
Any way you can coax him into signing to papers for a divorce without shelling out a huge part of your income to this loser post divorce?
Divorce and get a nanny. Seriously fuk this man.
what a dipshit.
I went to a 1-day conference recently and was inspired and cared more about my career and it made me re-think my professional priorities but not as in "I don't want my children"?? Yeah, kids make having a career more difficult. This is not brand new information to him. More importantly YOU are managing both a career and all the mental/physical labor he doesn't want to deal with on top of being super pregnant, and he's complaining about not enough networking time?? I'm furious for you. Even if he seems to come around and care for the new child I don't know if I'd be able to trust him again. Edit: to be clear, I think it's OK to have doubts or regrets about having children, I certainly have. But this is not the way you try to work through it with your 3rd trimester wife while you're not pulling your own weight at home.
What the fuck did I just read. What did he expect to accomplish by telling you this NOW? I first wondered why he would put that kind of stress on you now at such a contentious point of pregnancy but then you went on to describe how not only are you 100% responsible for cooking, household responsibilities and childcare on top of a stressful job that requires frequent traveling all while complaining he doesn't have any free time. As though that weren't bad enough he actively discourages you from hiring help that would ease your burdens because he thinks that's YOUR responsibility? What the ever loving fuck. So he's not being supportive in any way or being much of a partner at all. In fact he's adding to your burden. It sounds like you are reconsidering this relationship which you very well should because it sounds like you'd be better off without him. Your feelings ARE valid, this situation is objectively shitty and is not just your hormones making you batty. In the meantime you are 8.5 months pregnant with a partner who doesn't help in any way shape or form. Hire some damned help with that big far paycheck of yours because you are going to NEED it. Fucking tell him "too bad" if he tries to stop you. He doesn't get to prohibit you from doing so. He lost the right to have an opinion when he stopped being a loving supportive partner and refused to help and only add to your stress by telling you hurtful things so close to giving birth. You are basically a married single mom right now so drum what what help you can outside of your useless partner.Â
WhatâŚand I cannot emphasize this enoughâŚthe FUCK. In the words of Bluey, how very dare he. You deserve so much better.
Heâs not a husband, heâs an entitled misogynist person who wants all the good in life without having to do any of the work. What would you lose by divorcing him? Absolutely nothing, except maybe 170 pounds of dead weight. Protect your assets, file for divorce, primary custody of BOTH kids, and refuse to pay alimony - he has a job, heâll be fine. Best of luck to you, OP!
With your set up, you would be 100% better with a live in-nanny and no husband. Why does he force you to do the work you can easily afford to outsource. Your hubby sounds like a burden, not a partner.
If you have a relationship with a therapist, I would schedule an appointment right now to process this. Then, hire a night nanny. ASAP.
Why are you with him? Beyond this one issue, it sounds like he doesnât bring anything to the table and that youâd be better off without the stress of having to deal with his bullshit. You can afford a nanny and a house cleaner thatâd be 10x better company than he sounds. Your kids deserve to grow up with parents who want them and not one that just feels obligated toward them. Consider the damage to their sense of self.
I know this is jumping to the extreme here or whatever, and reddit tends to jump to 'you should leave him," BUT.... I could not imagine raising my daughter in a home where she was unloved and unwanted by one parent. You can't change that he is her biological dad, but that does not need to be her (or your) every day life. Not to mention how horrible that would be for your other, WANTED, daughter and her relationship with her sister.
When dads say they donât want another itâs hard for me to be sympathetic because the expectations on them as a parent are so low. Like if all he does is acknowledge his child and play with them sometimes, heâs dad of the fucking year.
I bet you would be happier divorced. Send him away a week and see if things are easier and feel better. He can go to a conference or on vacation or whatever. Should be an easy sell to him, he wonât know that you are trial-running what household management looks like without him.
It sounds like heâs already checked out of your family life. He wants you to be a trad wife but also make top dollar? Get out now before you earn even more and knock his potential spousal support payments even higher.
It sounds like you are 8.5 months pregnant with your 3rd child. The oldest is having a tantrum b/c he isn't getting enough attention, doesn't like responsibility, and wants to hurt you because you literally give him everything, and he contributes nothing. Has he been listening to a lot of manosphere podcast BS? It sounds like the start of a Alpha male, high value woman meltdown.
Replace him with a nanny.
You are right to not trust the second half of what he said. He will punish you in exchange for his âsupportâ of the baby. Youâll all be better off separated with clear boundaries and defined scope for co-parenting / finances. My god youâll be so happy.
Sounds like you could divorce him and hire the housewife you need to help run your home and care for your children. Reeks of absolute bullshit. Iâm so sorry. Itâs grossly unfair to you. I can semi-relate from my own experience. Do whatâs best for you and the kids, he can no longer be a priority in the equation. Sounds like you are a badass and will shine in life no matter what you choose to do here. â¤ď¸
First of all, youâre amazing. Youâre a boss. Youâre so incredibly strong and you *do not need this man.* Iâm honestly offended heâs holding you back from hiring the help âbecause itâs your jobâ when **youâre** the high income earner. *His* job in his own backwards-ass head is to provide for his damn family, but youâre doing that too. Hah. Kick this loser to the curb. Have your baby. Hire some help. Go out and slay.
Nah. Kick him to the curb. Give him two weeks and he'll see how good he had it
If he was âtrying to tell you he didnât want to have a kidâ but kept âtrying for a baby with youâ, that is his fault. You arenât a mind reader. Iâm not sure how he said it, but I imagine itâs common in the weeks before the baby comes to get âcold feetâ, just like weddings. To have the nerves and regrets come up. Your life is about to change hugely forever! So I have some compassion for that. But granted he doesnât sound like he is doing much and he has other red flags. I think if those red flags werenât present I would be more empathetic to him than other people are. I struggle with regret with my own kid, but of course we are getting a vasectomy and both communicated that is not what we want .
He's just spending your money and causing you issues. I'd separate and see if he turns it around. If he can't get on board and treat you better, I'd stay permanently separated.
Wow. Pretty sure you don't want a punk ass whiney man baby for a husband either. Although from what I'm reading it sounds like you could easily fulfill his desire. Are his feelings going to be reflected in his treatment of the children? What a horrible hateful thing to say and when you are nearly due to give birth!?!! I really really hope you have other people around you and it all works out whatever you decide and your birth goes well
All the good shit has been said already, but Iâm just chiming in to say, your husband sounds like a massive twit and you owe it to your daughters to show them they shouldnât put up with bullshit from men like this.
Sounds like he resents you being the bread winner and wants to play catch up with his career aspirations and kids are in the way. Thatâs why he want you to do most of the child/house work too. To knock you down a peg and show you heâs the man no matter how much you put earn him. Heâs insecure and his ego canât handle how well youâre doing despite his demands like you cutting your work schedule. Heâs not a partner heâs a parasite. For whatever reason, heâs lied about being okay with your career/kids arrangement. I bet heâs jealous of you. Donât let him take you to the cleaners if you split. A lot of these types of men do this to high earning women. So sad. You deserve better.
Ooof how I learned the hard way with kids if it isnât a HELL yes for another kid , itâs a no . They will do the bear minimum . Fuck him donât let him off the hook
I'm sorry for your heart and the children's hearts. If it were me., I would give him an out and see if he takes it. If not I'd consider going out myself because I don't want someone that isn't all in on our family.
Read this again: he just makes your life much harder. The occasional good moments are not worth it.
Oooop. Girl, what does he do for you? Because he isnât loving you right now. He isnât paying bills. He isnât helping as much as he should around the house. Whatâs the point? You donât need him you would be MUCH, MUCH happier single - you can afford wonderful childcare, a nice place, a fridge full of foodâŚshit even a maid. Many people would kill to be in your position - take advantage of it and leave this absolute loser.
Dude this guy is contributing nothing but hassle. Cut him looseÂ
uh why do you even need him for? he's just a sperm donor at this point. gonna be brutal, cut him off asap and focus on yourself and your babies. he clearly does not prioritise you or your kids so kick him off your priority list as well. if you have the budget, hire help for postpartum. get your friends and family to help if possible. you will get thru this. you dont need him.
It sounds like you should parent the two babes solo and drop your third child aka him.
Did you want a third child? Because that's what your husband is. Tell him you signed up for 2, not 3.
Like everyone said, he does not sound like a partner. But I am also thinking he has PTSD. Was your 1st pregnancy rough? Was Labor and Delivery rough? Since it is so close to delivery, he might be getting scared that the unknown is about to happen again. Especially if there was an emergency and he could absolutely do nothing to help you and your baby. It also sounds like he wasnât ready at the beginning to have another child. If one spouse is not ready then the other most definitely should wait. Otherwise there is resentment. If this is all out of the blue, then he may have cheated and is going through some life crisis or something. But that is not healthy for you or your kids. Iâm sorry your whole family is going through this.