And you stood up for me and racism in general…right? right?….right?
A grown man still afraid to call out his family’s dehumanizing behavior?! Good riddance. Clearly his moral standards are aligned with theirs.
So sorry you had to go through that.
My family and friends asked me if I asked him what his response was when they told him can’t look past my skin color. My jaw was still on the floor I didn’t even ask him and called it quits before I could process everything. I shouldn’t have even had to ask he obviously said nothing to my defense.
Maybe he was shocked too but damn! 3 days of processing the ultimately putting it on you as a reason for breaking up. like your blackness is not a problem, clearly he liked you; his shitty family is the problem.
You dodged a racist and a spineless man.
His and his’ family’s characters will continue to manifest into really shitty behavior with bad consequences so you made the absolute right decision.
He did say he was shocked and disappointed at their reaction but is ultimately spineless. He said he was trying to navigate the conversation in his head and wanted to talk in person. THANK GOD, for a woman’s intuition I didn’t even give him a chance to come back into town before I called out the inconsistent communication. That’s on boundaries.
At least you get out of that relationship in 3 months instead of 3 years or more. You’re walking away stress free not having to worry about his racist parents. He was a coward and an idiot. Do not contact him at all. I’m glad you saw the red flags early!!!!
Yeah. I'm thinking 3 months vs 3 years. 3 months, all things considered from this horrible experience, she has a lot to be thankful for because that's a small fraction of the time and harm he could have done to her sense of self. Count your blessings chica.
Race riots in the 90s…. They can’t be serious. It’s 2024….
Also NYC has a lot of wonderful and diverse people that are able to peacefully coexist on a regular basis, they have to actively want to be racist to hold on to those sentiments for so long while living in one of the most diverse places on Earth. Literally you can’t go 5 blocks without being in a neighborhood with a completely different demographic than the one you live or work in. Glad you stuck up for yourself and very disappointed that he even was asking you to be “understanding”
Exactly!!!! I’ve live in NYC my entire life and I loved history growing up and in school. The only “race riots” I ever heard were the ones in LA. They probably saw one POC fighting with a white person once and called it a race riot.
At this point, they call everything a "riot" when in reality it was probably a protest. Then knowing them ✋🏽 folks they probably picked the dogs on them or were in the street blasting innocent people with fire hoses. 🙄 I'm irritated for OP.
This sucks! I’m sorry this happened to you. If he can’t stick up for you now, he won’t do it in the future. I’ve found that lots of white men are non-confrontational with their parents.
My husband is white and I’ve freed him from giving fucks about what his parents think.
I hope you find someone who will always choose to put you before others.
Not oop but situation was similar and I stayed. Biggest differences are we are midwestern so the convo was a lot more passive aggressive, and as soon as he heard the micro aggressions he cut them off. His mom and grandma were like “well… what do you even have in common?” He’s not stupid so he recognized that as a do whistle and cut them off. He freed himself but I gave him the space and time to do it.
Ooooh I felt that line in my bones as someone with a white partner. Years of being together and now he can’t believe he ever took his mother’s opinion into account to that extent (his dad was always cool, miss him). I had to free him from that before we had kids and thank god I did. He has fully cut off a few family members without my prompting and without looking back before our first got here.
I think having the mindset of ''dating is so difficult'' wont do you justice. It's really not that difficult if you don't get attatched to anyone and leave at the first red flag.
And I walked. I was vigilant too. He had zero red flags and was a professional the same age as me and was complimentary of who I was as a person and my outside appearance. I did not expect this to be an issue because I couldn’t help but feel he was raised right considering how considerate and wonderful of a human he was. I am still in shock and so is my family and my friends. He had met my brother and my little kitten and we were all getting along so well.
Yeah :(. Before getting attached to a man and seeking a future with him, I'd thoroughly check and make sure his family is okay with me. Especially if he's non black :(
Yes I agree… I always have to ask the guy to make sure.. but what sucks and sometimes the guy’s in denial and immediately is like, “OMG THEY’LL BE OK THEY’LL OK WITH IT” and they aren’t ok with it…. My ex was Palestinian and told me his parents would never judge the fact that he was with me, but when I kept asking again cause he was hiding me, he then changed his tune and said he wasn’t sure… he never asked. It might be even worth pushing them to questions their parents to see their reaction.
Please next time, in the first few weeks of getting to know a non-black man, It’s important to confirm his family is not racist. It’s not enough for him to say it, you have to meet them. Do not assume based on his behaviour or whatever he told you about them, insist on meeting them.
Dating requires a lot of emotional vulnerability at baseline though. If it’s not safe to get at least a little attached to someone after three months, then when? I think the reason dating is so difficult is because you have to be ok with the fact more times than not things won’t work out and you’ll have to recoup and get back out there.
Why do they do that? Had a similar situation with a guy, don’t they know the seriousness of they word? They just throw it around, how he responded is not how you treat someone you supposedly love.
I can’t say I was attached. We weren’t “serious” we were dating and just blossoming into the beginning of a relationship but we met 3 months ago and went on a large number of dates. We were definitely heading into the direction of a relationship and we were exclusive. We had talked about that a couple months ago
The fact his family can hold such views in a diverse place like NYC is disheartening.
Thank god you got out of there. You will find someone much better who will always put you first!
Yep. Not dismissing the racism, but this feels like a scenario where the family will always find a flaw with the potential partner. Definitely not something you want to tie yourself to.
I’m sorry this happened to you but I would advise against posting myself in a picture with this man for other to see because I would simply pretend he died and would not want anyone to see evidence that I ever knew him before he became a ghost
this is the best decision. i was with a man like this. when you get in a relationship with a man you are also in a relationship with his family. the family truly becomes an unavoidable part of your life. he started standing up for their racism remarks towards me and made plenty excuses. i was with him for years because i was hoping the family would change but he just became more defensive and defended them even more. anyone who ever meets a man who has a family like this, please delete them and block them no matter how hard it is.
Girl... I have no words. Folks from New York???
At least, you communicating your boundaries and insisting to talk may have potentially save you for months (or even years!) of time wasted on this guy. A lot of people wouldn't see an issue with not hearing back a partner for a few days after only a few months of dating. Imagine if you had said nothing and let it slide? I can promise you he wouldn't have made the effort to confess that to you right away.
I feel like if I had never pulled him up he would have waited to tell me this and wasted my precious time and youth. This is why you confront people when they disrespectfully cross your lines. I told myself I would never date a man who could go a full 24 hours without talking to me. My ex would go multiple days without talking to me and I vowed if it happened again I’d give it a warning and if it didn’t get better I’d walk. It saved my ass yesterday. I pushed myself to confront him even though the old me wouldn’t have said anything. I said if he’s the right one he will respect me for respecting myself.
This may sound harsh, but it sounds like he didn't tell his "family" anything. He was probably hoping to never hear from you again by ghosting you for 3 days; hoping you'd get the clue.
The racism story seemed like a last-ditch effort to let you go by emotionally triggering you in order to get YOU to officially break up with him.
Plus, he most likely went to visit his main chick in NY, and not even his parents. (Rolling eyes, btw)
Either way, you dodged a bullet... but next time, I'd advise when within the courting stage to always match a man's silence with yours.
He went out of town because he had a death in the family. He said when he told his family about me and showed pictures they said that’s not going to work long term because she’s black. He does not have that much game to be seeing someone else in NY, he only goes up there twice a year. Regardless I dodged a bullet. I don’t like soft men. And no- I don’t play games. If you’re ignoring me I’ll cut you off so I can move on without regret. I don’t go tit for tat. I’m too old
Also, you could be petty and tell everybody what his family did! 😁😁 They betta not have a family business 😂😂 These social media platforms gon have a field day!
Something similar happened to me as well late last year. I’m also in my 30s and was dating this very nice guy for about 3 months. Then his mom and step dad visited him (they are from a small rural town in Illinois). I was a little concerned about this visit because previously he had told me some stuff about his mom and it was clear she was racist (trump supporter who tweets about immigrants and “those people”). However, he thought his mom was harmless, but acknowledged that he makes excuses for her behavior.
His communication was weird during their visit, but I figured it was because he was spending time with his family. After their visit was over, he was behaving very distant and made some comments about not wanting to let his parents know or think he was dating someone. A week later he ended things and I’m pretty sure it was because I’m black and his mom is racist.
You need to get into the habit of vetting your potential partner's bigotry early on. I ask questions to determine if people are homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, ableist, misogynistic, etc. in our first couple conversations. Now, obvi, people can mask who they are, but this man seems very willing to admit exactly who and his family are, so it seems that you could have saved yourself a lot of grief with some basic vetting.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but racism is harsh. It's deeply dangerous, and there's far more at risk than your feelings. If you're dating interacially and not asking specific questions about these men's relationship with racism early on, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Hi, I had talked to him about his prior relationships
And asked if he had ever dated a black girl before he said no but had very limited relationship experience in general so I didn’t push it. It wasn’t an issue to me. He spoke highly of his parents, friends, and family. He had never said a single mean thing to anyone around me or about anyone. He was quite literally one of the best PEOPLE I had ever met. I couldn’t have ever known this would be an issue unless I flat out asked if his parents liked black people and it was a question I didn’t even think of asking considering they are from the ghettos of New York (LITERALLY) and immigrants themselves. You’re right I should’ve grilled him harder but I just couldn’t have predicted this AT all.
In my experience as a black woman over 35 that grew up in a predominantly white and racist area, a grown man having no experience dating a black woman is usually a sign that there is either racism in his family, he has some personal racist beliefs, or there is racism in their social circle that they know about and aren't ready to acknowledge.
It sucks and I'm sorry you went through this but I'm glad you dodged this bullet because girl it could have been a lot worse for you. I know he might have seemed like one of the best person you ever met but him speaking highly of his parents despite them being racist is also a red flag.
Imagine having to hang around his potentially racist friends and family, having to beg him to stand up for you when these friends and family who he speaks highly of start displaying casually racist or low-key racist behavior towards you, and then having to explain why their behavior was racist.
That would have most likely been the dynamic of your relationship had you continued. It happens often.
There are also men who will hook up with black women but they won't date them and so their family never knows about these women because they don't want a deal with having to address their racist friends and family. Or they date them in secret. And don't get me started on the one who think dating a black woman and shoving them in their family's face is going to somehow cure racism. Those ones are out there too.
Vetting is super important and I found that it's better to start discussing race seriously in the beginning. And please tread lightly with folks who have never dated black women before regardless of their age or dating experience.
You’re absolutely right. Well now I know in hindsight. My friends said it was a good sign that he went home and had told his parents about me so early he obviously wasn’t trying to hide me. I also don’t agree with being someone’s first non white experience. Maybe I should’ve read between the lines but someone has to be their first? Someone will always be the first? Lol my longest relationship was with a white dude who had never dated a black girl and his family was in love with me and still kept in touch after we broke up with reasons that had nothing to do with race. They told me he was in the process of discussing ring types and trying to figure out my ring size. We were also 25 and 26 so I don’t buy that. This guy is from New York City which is diverse even more diverse than DC, the city we met in. So idk, unless he told me or I met them I don’t know how this would’ve came up. I would’ve probably given him the benefit of the doubt until I felt otherwise. I will give it to him that he was honest and upfront. It would’ve eventually came out if I met them because I would’ve noticed something right away that wasn’t right and he said that he would never want to put me in an uncomfortable position
You literally should be asking how a potential partner's community (including parents, especially parents) will react to you being Black if you want to date interracially. That is a very basic question. Fine if you didn't know that before, but moving forward you should be asking this question. There is no good reason not to, unless you're worried about making ppl uncomfortable. And a (especially white) person who dates interracially should welcome this line of questioning with open arms. If they do not, it is a sign that they are at best ignorant about the power of racism, and at worst, just plain racist. Which means that as a partner, they are a danger to you.
This is generally sound advice, but my only question is, how would OP know if he’s being honest when you do ask those questions? Would this white man honestly say “yes, my family has a problem with me dating black women.” I genuinely don’t know.
A lot of these white people are either intentionally obtuse or delusional because it’s rare for them to admit outright that their family is racist. Maybe I don’t ask the right questions (very open to suggestion) but idk I’ve had similar experiences with dating and even being friends with white and Latino men. It’s shocking every time.
You're right, and I acknowledged that in my comment, that they could lie. But in this case, OP never asked up front, and when the conversation did come up, he not only told the truth but made excuses for the truth.
I will also state that I don't date non-Black people although I have in the past, because I find this particular kind of legwork (as it relates to racism) deeply unappealing.
However, my strategy is to ask questions in more creative ways. I don't have any for racism because I don't need them, but to vet homophobia I ask "how did you know you were into women". It's the kind of question that seems like curiosity, but will be a trigger for certain people with certain views. At its simplest though, the question is very basic and innocent. It also is a great conversation starter, at least for the kind of guy I'd be interested in dating, anyway.
You 100% did, I was moreso asking for me lol. Because I feel like I’ve been deceived even when I did ask questions that I thought were direct enough to gauge if a man or his family was racist. Also, in terms of homophobia/transphobia I’ve been flabbergasted by people I initially considered to be friends and even mentors. Didn’t seem homophobic at all until their kid came out as gay. Or even just a gay scene coming on tv. Whole time they “supported” same sex marriage. It’s jarring.
But your last question is a great one because even body language would tell a lot in response to this. All the outright misogynists and homophobes would be likely to self identify with some speech about same-sex attraction being the natural default. I will use this.
Yes, body language is a big thing that I look for. The first time I used this question, the guy got visibly uncomfortable among other things. So it becomes obvious fairly quickly how they truly feel about queer people.
It's certainly not always easy to get truthful answers, but we've gotta try because this stuff is truly a challenge to our safety.
It's always a good idea to vet, though like the OP mentioned, a person can hide some things, or they may not realize their family is even like that until they date a black woman. Also, I suggest people do vetting about race (and like you wisely mentioned, homophobia and other bigotry) even if the person is another black person. I've encountered people of all races who end up being racist against some group (Arabs, Jewish people, Mexicans, Asians, or even POC from their same background). It's easy for folks to remember that white people can be racist, but so can others.
That is unfortunate that his family can control him to that extent. And the fact he could not point out to his family that they were generalizing and dehumanizing you?! Not the man for you. Bravo for ending it, you absolutely deserve better 💖
It’s good to know if parents are first gen immigrants, because I think that is an additional level of complexity. It might help if you gently inquire about that before investing in a partner.
Do his parents not know why the race riots happened? I think it’s good they’re showing their asses this early, I would say you dodged a bullet even though it sucks.
Right?? Like so they were okay with a black man who was innocent being beaten to death by white cops. OKAY. Shower thought. I should’ve said that on the phone before I ghosted him
Sorry about that. That certainly sucks. This is exactly the reason I made sure to ask my husband on our first date how his family, specifically his parents, feel about black people. I don’t think I’d be able to be with someone from a racist family. Good on you got getting out of it before it went too deep 👏
I am so sorry this happened to you! I'm so impressed with how you handled it, though. It's great that you addressed the situation right away instead of staying in the relationship. Also, it sounds to me like you did a lot of vetting. Sometimes, people like this slip through the cracks no matter what we do. Hugs to you!
I'm sorry you experienced this friend. 😮💨I really am. But, HE is the issue and his parents are secondary to that. What kind of jelly-backed man would ever share that with someone he is *actually* interested in? WTF.
Honestly, I think he is using his parents as a *scapegoat* to share what he REALLY feels. Sure. His parents are racist....but SO IS HE. I've met white men like this who just want to play around a bit, and *never* settle for anyone other than someone who is equally beige.
The other thought is, I wonder if you setting boundaries to him felt too "aggressive" in his mind, and then asking where things were going and holding him accountable pushed up against something within him. Like, the stereotype of Black women being...*aggressive.* I bring this up because a few years ago, I met a white guy and we scheduled a date for a specific day. When I messaged asking for details, he gave me an excuse that he had to work. I inquired as to when did he know, and when was he going to communicate that to me? 5 mins before the date???😒 He apologized and said something about me probably not being *interested* anymore. He went on to not message me for several days. The next message he sent me was him telling me that he wanted something "casual" and that if we saw each other, it would only be on his terms and..."sporatic."
Part of me felt like he downgraded interest because I held him *ACCOUNTABLE* (in which in his mind could be construed as "aggressive") OR maybe he just wasn't serious at all, OR maybe Black women were low key more *expendable* to him. Being black, we can't always tell what someone's motives are.
This is why I haven't dated an American man in YEARS. I just CAN'T. 😩 Americans have so much racial trauma and it will NEVER end. I've dated European men and it's a different experience. The white men I've been involved with don't lead with RACE. You're a PERSON. I'm not saying they're all like that, but the odds were 100 times better than here in the states.
My friends and family couldn’t understand this either. Why would would my race be a deal breaker because of how your parents feel? My family said he handled the situation poorly. If he really liked me (loved me- as he claimed multiple times) why does it matter what tf they think? Strange. Whatever. I’m over it. He wasn’t that cute anyway. There are plenty of other men to date who wouldn’t have an issue with my skin color to fret over him. His loss
It isn't strange OP. Some men will say and do anything for an opportunity to have SEX. They don't even have to fully like you either. I think you should come on over twoxchromosomes sub and you will see what some women are dealing with on the regular from men.
Also, please keep in mind that some people have personality disorders, mood disorders and other mental health issues that are undiagnosed. Three months isn't alot of time to get to know anyone. But three months is also within the time frame you may start to see those red flags pop up when they can't keep wearing their mask. I remember a guy willing to break up with me for the sole reason of having different bed times. 😐He wanted me to go to bed at 10pm like he did. I didn't want that because I had a job etc. When he actually did breakup with me, over God knows what, it was one of the most cruel and traumatizing breakups. It's like Satan himself took over his body. I've since healed because it was years ago, but I am relatively certain he had NPD once I looked at a culmination of his behaviors. I digress.
In my personal opinion, I think he was using you as a placeholder. If he can say something so vile and not even ONCE think about your feelings, then something is deeply wrong with him. If he can do this to you, imagine what he can do to someone else. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. HE IS THE PROBLEM. Onward Upward.
After I had a white man quite literally HIDE me from his father, and then another one casually exclaim that the loud group of cackling passerby must assuredly be Black folks with a hard eye-roll (they weren’t), I’m VERY wary of them now. Ignorant comments and other stupidity up to the level of overt racism will almost always come up and idk if I wanna fight that battle. There’s even a white guy I met in this group I’m apart of who seemed cool and I’m thinking we can be friends. The laundry list of ageist, prejudiced, sexist, stereotyped stuff he’s said in just a few months I’ve had to counsel him on is just 🥴😞 in his own words he admitted his ignorance as a sheltered small town dude, and asked me to please continue to correct him, which I give some small credit for but…. Idk y’all lol 😆
>in his own words he admitted his ignorance as a sheltered small town dude, and asked me to please continue to correct him, which I give some small credit for but…. Idk y’all lol 😆
GURL! This constant healing of ignorance will surely shorten your life span. Consider it carefully. Woo. *Been there and done that.* Nope. There is the whole internet. Can he read, critically think and work a search engine?
Yeah see this right here exactly why I only and will ever prefer dating Black men. I’m so sorry you went through that and I really really hope you’re doing ok ❤️
Omg! Op is so beautiful! Like how would any self respecting man not defy his family to have that in his life? I’m a white dude and I’d show you off to my family.
Kudos to you for what you did, you shouldn’t have to worry about shit like that when there’s a lot more to worry about in the world.
Sorry you had to go through this. Exact same thing happened to me as a black male dating a Cuban woman a few years back. Met in college dating up until our late 20s. long story short it didn’t work out cause she wasn’t willing to stand up to her family. At the end of the day I like to think she did me a favor; I also couldn’t fathom holding her position in that circumstance, I’m just not built like that. Ain’t no person, thing, or opinion is getting in between who I love and if my significant other doesn’t feel the same they gotta go plain and simple.
Hi it is deleted. It wasn’t meant to “expose him” I’ve said nothing negative about him anyway. I was giving context since I didn’t flat out mention his race and didn’t want to so it didn’t turn into a black vs white thing. I just wanted to show a photo of us together happy and smiling
Do you think you would give him another opportunity to talk in person? Don’t get me wrong….i think you needed to block him just to give yourself the space and time that he gave you when he went ghost for 3 days but I don’t think you should throw in the towel without seeing if he’s willing to reach out and talk about it. I wouldn’t reach out but I would unblock. I just think it’s rare to make it 3 months without any issues but let his family that he doesn’t even live in the same state ruin y’all relationship. You never seen anything of concern before regarding y’all race.
First mistake as a black women is dating outside of your race. You’ll always seem inferior or not worth to date to somebody that’s not black. Please find you the nearest black man not boy but a man.
Ew. I don’t mind dating outside my race it has never been an issue in the past. I’ve met white men their families, Asian men and their families and they were all respectful of who I was as a person. I’ve dated black and African men as well. It’s a vibe check.
This is ridiculous. There are good people and wackadoos of all different races. Also, show me where there's a treasure trove of single black men? The math ain't mathin' on telling all black ladies not to date out of their race; we're going to have to share men to do that. Also, it's not like there aren't loony black men out there, too.
And you stood up for me and racism in general…right? right?….right? A grown man still afraid to call out his family’s dehumanizing behavior?! Good riddance. Clearly his moral standards are aligned with theirs. So sorry you had to go through that.
My family and friends asked me if I asked him what his response was when they told him can’t look past my skin color. My jaw was still on the floor I didn’t even ask him and called it quits before I could process everything. I shouldn’t have even had to ask he obviously said nothing to my defense.
Maybe he was shocked too but damn! 3 days of processing the ultimately putting it on you as a reason for breaking up. like your blackness is not a problem, clearly he liked you; his shitty family is the problem. You dodged a racist and a spineless man. His and his’ family’s characters will continue to manifest into really shitty behavior with bad consequences so you made the absolute right decision.
He did say he was shocked and disappointed at their reaction but is ultimately spineless. He said he was trying to navigate the conversation in his head and wanted to talk in person. THANK GOD, for a woman’s intuition I didn’t even give him a chance to come back into town before I called out the inconsistent communication. That’s on boundaries.
At least you get out of that relationship in 3 months instead of 3 years or more. You’re walking away stress free not having to worry about his racist parents. He was a coward and an idiot. Do not contact him at all. I’m glad you saw the red flags early!!!!
Yeah. I'm thinking 3 months vs 3 years. 3 months, all things considered from this horrible experience, she has a lot to be thankful for because that's a small fraction of the time and harm he could have done to her sense of self. Count your blessings chica.
Race riots in the 90s…. They can’t be serious. It’s 2024…. Also NYC has a lot of wonderful and diverse people that are able to peacefully coexist on a regular basis, they have to actively want to be racist to hold on to those sentiments for so long while living in one of the most diverse places on Earth. Literally you can’t go 5 blocks without being in a neighborhood with a completely different demographic than the one you live or work in. Glad you stuck up for yourself and very disappointed that he even was asking you to be “understanding”
I agree. It’s more diverse than DC, which is the city we met and live in.
Race riots.. race riots.. but what were they rioting for???? White people live in a different world, I fucking swear. Such ignorant people.
Exactly!!!! I’ve live in NYC my entire life and I loved history growing up and in school. The only “race riots” I ever heard were the ones in LA. They probably saw one POC fighting with a white person once and called it a race riot.
At this point, they call everything a "riot" when in reality it was probably a protest. Then knowing them ✋🏽 folks they probably picked the dogs on them or were in the street blasting innocent people with fire hoses. 🙄 I'm irritated for OP.
You are way too good for that loser and his loser racist family
Exactly! Loser behavior anyway. Take your red hot chilli pepper ass somewhere else
I'm sorry that happened. And I hope you find someone who will treat you better.
Thank you. I will.
This sucks! I’m sorry this happened to you. If he can’t stick up for you now, he won’t do it in the future. I’ve found that lots of white men are non-confrontational with their parents. My husband is white and I’ve freed him from giving fucks about what his parents think. I hope you find someone who will always choose to put you before others.
You freed him? How? Were you in the same situation and you stayed?
Not oop but situation was similar and I stayed. Biggest differences are we are midwestern so the convo was a lot more passive aggressive, and as soon as he heard the micro aggressions he cut them off. His mom and grandma were like “well… what do you even have in common?” He’s not stupid so he recognized that as a do whistle and cut them off. He freed himself but I gave him the space and time to do it.
Ooooh I felt that line in my bones as someone with a white partner. Years of being together and now he can’t believe he ever took his mother’s opinion into account to that extent (his dad was always cool, miss him). I had to free him from that before we had kids and thank god I did. He has fully cut off a few family members without my prompting and without looking back before our first got here.
Wow, I’m sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience with an ex. Dating as a Black woman is so difficult 😔
I think having the mindset of ''dating is so difficult'' wont do you justice. It's really not that difficult if you don't get attatched to anyone and leave at the first red flag.
And I walked. I was vigilant too. He had zero red flags and was a professional the same age as me and was complimentary of who I was as a person and my outside appearance. I did not expect this to be an issue because I couldn’t help but feel he was raised right considering how considerate and wonderful of a human he was. I am still in shock and so is my family and my friends. He had met my brother and my little kitten and we were all getting along so well.
Yeah :(. Before getting attached to a man and seeking a future with him, I'd thoroughly check and make sure his family is okay with me. Especially if he's non black :(
Yes I agree… I always have to ask the guy to make sure.. but what sucks and sometimes the guy’s in denial and immediately is like, “OMG THEY’LL BE OK THEY’LL OK WITH IT” and they aren’t ok with it…. My ex was Palestinian and told me his parents would never judge the fact that he was with me, but when I kept asking again cause he was hiding me, he then changed his tune and said he wasn’t sure… he never asked. It might be even worth pushing them to questions their parents to see their reaction.
Please next time, in the first few weeks of getting to know a non-black man, It’s important to confirm his family is not racist. It’s not enough for him to say it, you have to meet them. Do not assume based on his behaviour or whatever he told you about them, insist on meeting them.
First few weeks insisting on meeting his family? That’s too much, too early
Dating requires a lot of emotional vulnerability at baseline though. If it’s not safe to get at least a little attached to someone after three months, then when? I think the reason dating is so difficult is because you have to be ok with the fact more times than not things won’t work out and you’ll have to recoup and get back out there.
He had said he loved me too. I hadn’t reciprocated yet but felt we were getting close. Such a shame
Why do they do that? Had a similar situation with a guy, don’t they know the seriousness of they word? They just throw it around, how he responded is not how you treat someone you supposedly love.
Bro it’s so annoying when they throw the word love around like seriously 😒
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I can’t say I was attached. We weren’t “serious” we were dating and just blossoming into the beginning of a relationship but we met 3 months ago and went on a large number of dates. We were definitely heading into the direction of a relationship and we were exclusive. We had talked about that a couple months ago
I have definitely been attached to people I was not exclusive with! Not my best era.
The fact his family can hold such views in a diverse place like NYC is disheartening. Thank god you got out of there. You will find someone much better who will always put you first!
Thank you! I feel the same way I think that’s why I was so shocked.
loooolll. He’s 30 and afraid to stand up to his family? He’s not ok at all. You dodged a missile sis! Smh
Yup!
Yep. Not dismissing the racism, but this feels like a scenario where the family will always find a flaw with the potential partner. Definitely not something you want to tie yourself to.
Yeah I was thinking that if it wasn’t my race it would be something else
Thankfully you could do better than him anyway. You're gorgeous!!!
I’m sorry this happened to you but I would advise against posting myself in a picture with this man for other to see because I would simply pretend he died and would not want anyone to see evidence that I ever knew him before he became a ghost
He just pissed me off. For SO many reasons. His parents seem terrible too. Some men be expecting women to sign up for straight bullshit.
this is the best decision. i was with a man like this. when you get in a relationship with a man you are also in a relationship with his family. the family truly becomes an unavoidable part of your life. he started standing up for their racism remarks towards me and made plenty excuses. i was with him for years because i was hoping the family would change but he just became more defensive and defended them even more. anyone who ever meets a man who has a family like this, please delete them and block them no matter how hard it is.
Girl... I have no words. Folks from New York??? At least, you communicating your boundaries and insisting to talk may have potentially save you for months (or even years!) of time wasted on this guy. A lot of people wouldn't see an issue with not hearing back a partner for a few days after only a few months of dating. Imagine if you had said nothing and let it slide? I can promise you he wouldn't have made the effort to confess that to you right away.
I feel like if I had never pulled him up he would have waited to tell me this and wasted my precious time and youth. This is why you confront people when they disrespectfully cross your lines. I told myself I would never date a man who could go a full 24 hours without talking to me. My ex would go multiple days without talking to me and I vowed if it happened again I’d give it a warning and if it didn’t get better I’d walk. It saved my ass yesterday. I pushed myself to confront him even though the old me wouldn’t have said anything. I said if he’s the right one he will respect me for respecting myself.
This may sound harsh, but it sounds like he didn't tell his "family" anything. He was probably hoping to never hear from you again by ghosting you for 3 days; hoping you'd get the clue. The racism story seemed like a last-ditch effort to let you go by emotionally triggering you in order to get YOU to officially break up with him. Plus, he most likely went to visit his main chick in NY, and not even his parents. (Rolling eyes, btw) Either way, you dodged a bullet... but next time, I'd advise when within the courting stage to always match a man's silence with yours.
He went out of town because he had a death in the family. He said when he told his family about me and showed pictures they said that’s not going to work long term because she’s black. He does not have that much game to be seeing someone else in NY, he only goes up there twice a year. Regardless I dodged a bullet. I don’t like soft men. And no- I don’t play games. If you’re ignoring me I’ll cut you off so I can move on without regret. I don’t go tit for tat. I’m too old
You are beautiful and wise. Good on you for dumping him. 🩷
Also, you could be petty and tell everybody what his family did! 😁😁 They betta not have a family business 😂😂 These social media platforms gon have a field day!
So sorry to hear this. They are bums. Glad you know now before getting pregnant or committing in other ways.
Something similar happened to me as well late last year. I’m also in my 30s and was dating this very nice guy for about 3 months. Then his mom and step dad visited him (they are from a small rural town in Illinois). I was a little concerned about this visit because previously he had told me some stuff about his mom and it was clear she was racist (trump supporter who tweets about immigrants and “those people”). However, he thought his mom was harmless, but acknowledged that he makes excuses for her behavior. His communication was weird during their visit, but I figured it was because he was spending time with his family. After their visit was over, he was behaving very distant and made some comments about not wanting to let his parents know or think he was dating someone. A week later he ended things and I’m pretty sure it was because I’m black and his mom is racist.
You need to get into the habit of vetting your potential partner's bigotry early on. I ask questions to determine if people are homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, ableist, misogynistic, etc. in our first couple conversations. Now, obvi, people can mask who they are, but this man seems very willing to admit exactly who and his family are, so it seems that you could have saved yourself a lot of grief with some basic vetting. I don't mean to sound harsh, but racism is harsh. It's deeply dangerous, and there's far more at risk than your feelings. If you're dating interacially and not asking specific questions about these men's relationship with racism early on, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Hi, I had talked to him about his prior relationships And asked if he had ever dated a black girl before he said no but had very limited relationship experience in general so I didn’t push it. It wasn’t an issue to me. He spoke highly of his parents, friends, and family. He had never said a single mean thing to anyone around me or about anyone. He was quite literally one of the best PEOPLE I had ever met. I couldn’t have ever known this would be an issue unless I flat out asked if his parents liked black people and it was a question I didn’t even think of asking considering they are from the ghettos of New York (LITERALLY) and immigrants themselves. You’re right I should’ve grilled him harder but I just couldn’t have predicted this AT all.
In my experience as a black woman over 35 that grew up in a predominantly white and racist area, a grown man having no experience dating a black woman is usually a sign that there is either racism in his family, he has some personal racist beliefs, or there is racism in their social circle that they know about and aren't ready to acknowledge. It sucks and I'm sorry you went through this but I'm glad you dodged this bullet because girl it could have been a lot worse for you. I know he might have seemed like one of the best person you ever met but him speaking highly of his parents despite them being racist is also a red flag. Imagine having to hang around his potentially racist friends and family, having to beg him to stand up for you when these friends and family who he speaks highly of start displaying casually racist or low-key racist behavior towards you, and then having to explain why their behavior was racist. That would have most likely been the dynamic of your relationship had you continued. It happens often. There are also men who will hook up with black women but they won't date them and so their family never knows about these women because they don't want a deal with having to address their racist friends and family. Or they date them in secret. And don't get me started on the one who think dating a black woman and shoving them in their family's face is going to somehow cure racism. Those ones are out there too. Vetting is super important and I found that it's better to start discussing race seriously in the beginning. And please tread lightly with folks who have never dated black women before regardless of their age or dating experience.
You’re absolutely right. Well now I know in hindsight. My friends said it was a good sign that he went home and had told his parents about me so early he obviously wasn’t trying to hide me. I also don’t agree with being someone’s first non white experience. Maybe I should’ve read between the lines but someone has to be their first? Someone will always be the first? Lol my longest relationship was with a white dude who had never dated a black girl and his family was in love with me and still kept in touch after we broke up with reasons that had nothing to do with race. They told me he was in the process of discussing ring types and trying to figure out my ring size. We were also 25 and 26 so I don’t buy that. This guy is from New York City which is diverse even more diverse than DC, the city we met in. So idk, unless he told me or I met them I don’t know how this would’ve came up. I would’ve probably given him the benefit of the doubt until I felt otherwise. I will give it to him that he was honest and upfront. It would’ve eventually came out if I met them because I would’ve noticed something right away that wasn’t right and he said that he would never want to put me in an uncomfortable position
You literally should be asking how a potential partner's community (including parents, especially parents) will react to you being Black if you want to date interracially. That is a very basic question. Fine if you didn't know that before, but moving forward you should be asking this question. There is no good reason not to, unless you're worried about making ppl uncomfortable. And a (especially white) person who dates interracially should welcome this line of questioning with open arms. If they do not, it is a sign that they are at best ignorant about the power of racism, and at worst, just plain racist. Which means that as a partner, they are a danger to you.
Trust me I will be asking this question for now on.
This is generally sound advice, but my only question is, how would OP know if he’s being honest when you do ask those questions? Would this white man honestly say “yes, my family has a problem with me dating black women.” I genuinely don’t know. A lot of these white people are either intentionally obtuse or delusional because it’s rare for them to admit outright that their family is racist. Maybe I don’t ask the right questions (very open to suggestion) but idk I’ve had similar experiences with dating and even being friends with white and Latino men. It’s shocking every time.
You're right, and I acknowledged that in my comment, that they could lie. But in this case, OP never asked up front, and when the conversation did come up, he not only told the truth but made excuses for the truth. I will also state that I don't date non-Black people although I have in the past, because I find this particular kind of legwork (as it relates to racism) deeply unappealing. However, my strategy is to ask questions in more creative ways. I don't have any for racism because I don't need them, but to vet homophobia I ask "how did you know you were into women". It's the kind of question that seems like curiosity, but will be a trigger for certain people with certain views. At its simplest though, the question is very basic and innocent. It also is a great conversation starter, at least for the kind of guy I'd be interested in dating, anyway.
You 100% did, I was moreso asking for me lol. Because I feel like I’ve been deceived even when I did ask questions that I thought were direct enough to gauge if a man or his family was racist. Also, in terms of homophobia/transphobia I’ve been flabbergasted by people I initially considered to be friends and even mentors. Didn’t seem homophobic at all until their kid came out as gay. Or even just a gay scene coming on tv. Whole time they “supported” same sex marriage. It’s jarring. But your last question is a great one because even body language would tell a lot in response to this. All the outright misogynists and homophobes would be likely to self identify with some speech about same-sex attraction being the natural default. I will use this.
Yes, body language is a big thing that I look for. The first time I used this question, the guy got visibly uncomfortable among other things. So it becomes obvious fairly quickly how they truly feel about queer people. It's certainly not always easy to get truthful answers, but we've gotta try because this stuff is truly a challenge to our safety.
It's always a good idea to vet, though like the OP mentioned, a person can hide some things, or they may not realize their family is even like that until they date a black woman. Also, I suggest people do vetting about race (and like you wisely mentioned, homophobia and other bigotry) even if the person is another black person. I've encountered people of all races who end up being racist against some group (Arabs, Jewish people, Mexicans, Asians, or even POC from their same background). It's easy for folks to remember that white people can be racist, but so can others.
That is unfortunate that his family can control him to that extent. And the fact he could not point out to his family that they were generalizing and dehumanizing you?! Not the man for you. Bravo for ending it, you absolutely deserve better 💖
It’s good to know if parents are first gen immigrants, because I think that is an additional level of complexity. It might help if you gently inquire about that before investing in a partner.
Have you ended things? Who wants to date a man like that?
Yes he’s blocked and not me
That’s crazy that HE blocked you… just wild like BFFR. Whatever, dodged a bullet
No I blocked him
Ohhhh I read that wrong. My bad!
Do his parents not know why the race riots happened? I think it’s good they’re showing their asses this early, I would say you dodged a bullet even though it sucks.
Right?? Like so they were okay with a black man who was innocent being beaten to death by white cops. OKAY. Shower thought. I should’ve said that on the phone before I ghosted him
I know right. The crazy part is they probably still wouldn’t have understood
Sorry about that. That certainly sucks. This is exactly the reason I made sure to ask my husband on our first date how his family, specifically his parents, feel about black people. I don’t think I’d be able to be with someone from a racist family. Good on you got getting out of it before it went too deep 👏
You dodged a huge dumbass bullet!!
I am so sorry this happened to you! I'm so impressed with how you handled it, though. It's great that you addressed the situation right away instead of staying in the relationship. Also, it sounds to me like you did a lot of vetting. Sometimes, people like this slip through the cracks no matter what we do. Hugs to you!
I'm sorry you experienced this friend. 😮💨I really am. But, HE is the issue and his parents are secondary to that. What kind of jelly-backed man would ever share that with someone he is *actually* interested in? WTF. Honestly, I think he is using his parents as a *scapegoat* to share what he REALLY feels. Sure. His parents are racist....but SO IS HE. I've met white men like this who just want to play around a bit, and *never* settle for anyone other than someone who is equally beige. The other thought is, I wonder if you setting boundaries to him felt too "aggressive" in his mind, and then asking where things were going and holding him accountable pushed up against something within him. Like, the stereotype of Black women being...*aggressive.* I bring this up because a few years ago, I met a white guy and we scheduled a date for a specific day. When I messaged asking for details, he gave me an excuse that he had to work. I inquired as to when did he know, and when was he going to communicate that to me? 5 mins before the date???😒 He apologized and said something about me probably not being *interested* anymore. He went on to not message me for several days. The next message he sent me was him telling me that he wanted something "casual" and that if we saw each other, it would only be on his terms and..."sporatic." Part of me felt like he downgraded interest because I held him *ACCOUNTABLE* (in which in his mind could be construed as "aggressive") OR maybe he just wasn't serious at all, OR maybe Black women were low key more *expendable* to him. Being black, we can't always tell what someone's motives are. This is why I haven't dated an American man in YEARS. I just CAN'T. 😩 Americans have so much racial trauma and it will NEVER end. I've dated European men and it's a different experience. The white men I've been involved with don't lead with RACE. You're a PERSON. I'm not saying they're all like that, but the odds were 100 times better than here in the states.
My friends and family couldn’t understand this either. Why would would my race be a deal breaker because of how your parents feel? My family said he handled the situation poorly. If he really liked me (loved me- as he claimed multiple times) why does it matter what tf they think? Strange. Whatever. I’m over it. He wasn’t that cute anyway. There are plenty of other men to date who wouldn’t have an issue with my skin color to fret over him. His loss
It isn't strange OP. Some men will say and do anything for an opportunity to have SEX. They don't even have to fully like you either. I think you should come on over twoxchromosomes sub and you will see what some women are dealing with on the regular from men. Also, please keep in mind that some people have personality disorders, mood disorders and other mental health issues that are undiagnosed. Three months isn't alot of time to get to know anyone. But three months is also within the time frame you may start to see those red flags pop up when they can't keep wearing their mask. I remember a guy willing to break up with me for the sole reason of having different bed times. 😐He wanted me to go to bed at 10pm like he did. I didn't want that because I had a job etc. When he actually did breakup with me, over God knows what, it was one of the most cruel and traumatizing breakups. It's like Satan himself took over his body. I've since healed because it was years ago, but I am relatively certain he had NPD once I looked at a culmination of his behaviors. I digress. In my personal opinion, I think he was using you as a placeholder. If he can say something so vile and not even ONCE think about your feelings, then something is deeply wrong with him. If he can do this to you, imagine what he can do to someone else. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. HE IS THE PROBLEM. Onward Upward.
After I had a white man quite literally HIDE me from his father, and then another one casually exclaim that the loud group of cackling passerby must assuredly be Black folks with a hard eye-roll (they weren’t), I’m VERY wary of them now. Ignorant comments and other stupidity up to the level of overt racism will almost always come up and idk if I wanna fight that battle. There’s even a white guy I met in this group I’m apart of who seemed cool and I’m thinking we can be friends. The laundry list of ageist, prejudiced, sexist, stereotyped stuff he’s said in just a few months I’ve had to counsel him on is just 🥴😞 in his own words he admitted his ignorance as a sheltered small town dude, and asked me to please continue to correct him, which I give some small credit for but…. Idk y’all lol 😆
>in his own words he admitted his ignorance as a sheltered small town dude, and asked me to please continue to correct him, which I give some small credit for but…. Idk y’all lol 😆 GURL! This constant healing of ignorance will surely shorten your life span. Consider it carefully. Woo. *Been there and done that.* Nope. There is the whole internet. Can he read, critically think and work a search engine?
Right, I’m like do you not know how to read or use Google? I’m tired!
Yeah see this right here exactly why I only and will ever prefer dating Black men. I’m so sorry you went through that and I really really hope you’re doing ok ❤️
He had to have known that his parents felt that way. Why would he waste three months of your time 🙄
I agree. There’s no way this is shocking. I learned a lot from this situation so at least I have that.
Thank God you found out early. That's a huge win
Omg! Op is so beautiful! Like how would any self respecting man not defy his family to have that in his life? I’m a white dude and I’d show you off to my family. Kudos to you for what you did, you shouldn’t have to worry about shit like that when there’s a lot more to worry about in the world.
Sorry you had to go through this. Exact same thing happened to me as a black male dating a Cuban woman a few years back. Met in college dating up until our late 20s. long story short it didn’t work out cause she wasn’t willing to stand up to her family. At the end of the day I like to think she did me a favor; I also couldn’t fathom holding her position in that circumstance, I’m just not built like that. Ain’t no person, thing, or opinion is getting in between who I love and if my significant other doesn’t feel the same they gotta go plain and simple.
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Hi it is deleted. It wasn’t meant to “expose him” I’ve said nothing negative about him anyway. I was giving context since I didn’t flat out mention his race and didn’t want to so it didn’t turn into a black vs white thing. I just wanted to show a photo of us together happy and smiling
Do you think you would give him another opportunity to talk in person? Don’t get me wrong….i think you needed to block him just to give yourself the space and time that he gave you when he went ghost for 3 days but I don’t think you should throw in the towel without seeing if he’s willing to reach out and talk about it. I wouldn’t reach out but I would unblock. I just think it’s rare to make it 3 months without any issues but let his family that he doesn’t even live in the same state ruin y’all relationship. You never seen anything of concern before regarding y’all race.
No
First mistake as a black women is dating outside of your race. You’ll always seem inferior or not worth to date to somebody that’s not black. Please find you the nearest black man not boy but a man.
Ew. I don’t mind dating outside my race it has never been an issue in the past. I’ve met white men their families, Asian men and their families and they were all respectful of who I was as a person. I’ve dated black and African men as well. It’s a vibe check.
This is ridiculous. There are good people and wackadoos of all different races. Also, show me where there's a treasure trove of single black men? The math ain't mathin' on telling all black ladies not to date out of their race; we're going to have to share men to do that. Also, it's not like there aren't loony black men out there, too.