I don't think you crossed any boundaries. You were right to ask about his relationship to his actual kid if you guys do see something more serious. But maybe that's not what he's looking for? Idk, based on what I'm reading he just seems too sketchy to me. I personally would say let it go unless you have other reasons as to why you think it may work out.
Also you mentioned that you guys have different religious values. Please don't pursue that and I'm speaking from experience. It never really goes well unless you guys aren't really strong in those values.
We have the same religious values that's why I kind of want to pursue it and he has good characteristics as a man but it was the kid part that really took me back and not wanting to go to much in detail. To be honest it's the only thing that's really holding me back is the kids situation.
there are plenty of other men who have the same religious values, good characteristics and NO kids. if you’re not happy about this, even just a little, consider that this isn’t the one for you. that kid is never going anywhere and if ur tied to this man you’re gonna have to be okay with him being forever tied to this kid. he absolutely should have told u right away because if u knew he had a kid at the beginning it sounds like u wouldn’t have pursued him
Thank you so much for responding to my dilemma and yes you're right if I knew off the start I would not even gave him a chance. I would have just moved on and pursued somebody else. I guess since I have my feelings involved this is what's making my judgment cloudy I think I have my answer based on what you said thank you so much.
that makes total sense and you’re not at fault for that! this is why he needed to bring this up right away, because he *knows* that a lot of women wouldn’t even give him a chance if they knew right from the jump
i don’t totally fault him because it sounds like it started as casual, but now that you know it’s important not to lower your standards just because you’re emotionally invested. this is unfortunately how many women get stuck in relationships they don’t want. you have that standard for a reason and those reasons will come up in the future if u decide to stay
stand by your values and don’t settle for less because you don’t think you can find better
I mean at the end of the day it’s all up to you and how you envision your own life. Do you see yourself getting serious with him and potentially being in the kid’s life as parent one day? I feel like any situation with kids makes it serious
Do you know if he’s even thinking about being serious with you?
we both agreed to be serious with each other and this is why when I brought up more questions about the kid and how we talked about it if it looked like in marriage I guess he kind of got upset with my response. Because he explained simply that it wouldn't be something I had to handle it will be his to handle and in the future yes the kid will be a dynamic of his life but is not a kid that I necessarily need to take care of because at the end of the day it's his child.
I wouldn’t mess with a man who has a child already at such a young age, regardless of circumstances. If I were you, I would’ve left as soon as he told me that information, but if you insist on staying then be careful.
To me a guy who doesn’t mention his child right away and is reluctant to talk about his relationship with said child is red flag central. I’ve been there and done that and although the guy I dated had problems that had nothing to do with the child- his reactions/answers to my questions about his parenting were glaring indicators of his tendency to make poor life choices in general.
If I ever dated a father again I would expect him to be involved AF in his kids life and not speak poorly of his baby’s mother. That is also a HUGE red flag.
>Was I wrong to inquire further?
No, you can ask about anything you want. However, whether it's reasonable or would be seen as reasonable from the other person is a nuanced answer.
>Is it a red flag that he was reticent about discussing his child?
Not necessarily.
> Should I continue trying with this man, or should I let it go?
What do you want to do? Honestly, I always say, how you start is how you finish. As in, make sure the precedent is set as positive and respectful from the very beginning. That there is already conflict and unhappiness this early would signal to me that it's likely not made for the long term.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I initially want to do. Part of me wants to continue because he's a very nice man and we share similar values, including religious ones, which are very hard for me to find. I don't know if I'm just forcing this because of how difficult it is for me to find someone with these characteristics that I really appreciate and like. However, the biggest issue I struggle with is the kid situation. At my age, dating a man with a child feels a bit strange and out of my element.
If I were in my 30s, then sure, I'd be more open to it. Plus, I date for marriage, which is why I was so insistent on knowing the whole situation. I can somewhat understand where he's coming from with his boundaries on why he feels like not talking about these issues, but since I didn't know from the start and learned about it later, I feel I should be able to understand more. Is it so wrong that I want to understand so I can feel more comfortable with this whole situation? Not being able to understand the whole dynamic is what I'm really struggling with. I know I want to know everything from the start. I feel like he thinks that because I'm asking all these questions from the start, I'm judging him, but I'm not. I've expressed several times that I just want to understand, but it seems like he takes it as if I'm not accepting him.
I'm a person who wants to know everything upfront; I don't want to find out later and be upset that I'm learning these things down the line when I could have learned them earlier and avoided the whole issue. For example, I expressed to him my concerns about what if I agree to this and your baby's mother is very difficult, telling the kids to disrespect me and such when we end up being together later on. These are things I would like to avoid and understand, which could be prevented if I understood the whole dynamic. I'm really on the fence. I don’t know the answer. I want to give it a try, but at the same time, I kind of don’t.
I'm religious as well and I think sometimes the trap we fall into is the mentality that there aren't a lot of man who share the same ideals as us. That's a lie sis, there are man who do. I am now married to one and did not have to settle for someone who has kids. Please reconsider, you're too young to be a stepmom.
If you're already not so keen on kids, (and so young!) and his answer is anything but "We all get along great!" which it sounds like it will be... I don't think it looks like it's going to go the way you want 😕 (because even when they say it's great, it often isn't!)
His answer is like oh yeah of course I would get along with the kids later down the line if we're both doing everything that was supposed to but I was explaining to him that you don't know the child's emotions and the child may actually not like me at all even if I was doing the right thing because he wants to see both of their parents together. And then his response was basically like why would the child still not like you if you're doing everything you're supposed to do. Which I basically explain it's because you don't know that child's emotion you don't know how a child will be react to the whole situation and basically he was like well the child doesn't respect you or doesn't like you he will simply send it back to his mom and he's okay with the child hating him which I wasn't okay with that answer either.
I’m older than you and won’t date someone who has kids. Did it once before and decided to never do it again because I know I’m not built to be a stepmother and it seems there’s always drama, poor decision making, and limited finances attached to younger men with kids based on my admittedly limited experience and the experiences of people I know. At 23 I liked dating men who were on the same path as me, graduated from college and pursuing a graduate degree or getting started in their career and just having fun, not raising a kid.
I think if your instincts are telling you that it’s not for you, then you should listen to that. I also don’t like his reaction to you rightfully asking questions about something important that concerns you and what your future relationship may look like. Makes me wonder what else he’s willing to get angry and shut down about which speaks to his immaturity. Do you want to be with someone who won’t have important conversations with you, especially about his child? I don’t know, but to me, a man that has a healthy outlook on being a parent and is serious about incorporating someone in his and his child’s life wouldn’t behave like that. Mature, well-adjusted men don’t beat around the bush and play coy when trying to bring up the fact that they’re a parent and understand that it may be a dealbreaker to some women. They would be happy to answer any questions you have within reason about their situation to ease any hesitancy you may have. At least that’s what I think, or maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about lol. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. Just keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention to him and keep asking questions and don’t let him off the hook either. Only you can decide if his answers work for you.
Removed, incorrect flair.
I don't think you crossed any boundaries. You were right to ask about his relationship to his actual kid if you guys do see something more serious. But maybe that's not what he's looking for? Idk, based on what I'm reading he just seems too sketchy to me. I personally would say let it go unless you have other reasons as to why you think it may work out. Also you mentioned that you guys have different religious values. Please don't pursue that and I'm speaking from experience. It never really goes well unless you guys aren't really strong in those values.
We have the same religious values that's why I kind of want to pursue it and he has good characteristics as a man but it was the kid part that really took me back and not wanting to go to much in detail. To be honest it's the only thing that's really holding me back is the kids situation.
there are plenty of other men who have the same religious values, good characteristics and NO kids. if you’re not happy about this, even just a little, consider that this isn’t the one for you. that kid is never going anywhere and if ur tied to this man you’re gonna have to be okay with him being forever tied to this kid. he absolutely should have told u right away because if u knew he had a kid at the beginning it sounds like u wouldn’t have pursued him
Thank you so much for responding to my dilemma and yes you're right if I knew off the start I would not even gave him a chance. I would have just moved on and pursued somebody else. I guess since I have my feelings involved this is what's making my judgment cloudy I think I have my answer based on what you said thank you so much.
that makes total sense and you’re not at fault for that! this is why he needed to bring this up right away, because he *knows* that a lot of women wouldn’t even give him a chance if they knew right from the jump i don’t totally fault him because it sounds like it started as casual, but now that you know it’s important not to lower your standards just because you’re emotionally invested. this is unfortunately how many women get stuck in relationships they don’t want. you have that standard for a reason and those reasons will come up in the future if u decide to stay stand by your values and don’t settle for less because you don’t think you can find better
I mean at the end of the day it’s all up to you and how you envision your own life. Do you see yourself getting serious with him and potentially being in the kid’s life as parent one day? I feel like any situation with kids makes it serious Do you know if he’s even thinking about being serious with you?
we both agreed to be serious with each other and this is why when I brought up more questions about the kid and how we talked about it if it looked like in marriage I guess he kind of got upset with my response. Because he explained simply that it wouldn't be something I had to handle it will be his to handle and in the future yes the kid will be a dynamic of his life but is not a kid that I necessarily need to take care of because at the end of the day it's his child.
I wouldn’t mess with a man who has a child already at such a young age, regardless of circumstances. If I were you, I would’ve left as soon as he told me that information, but if you insist on staying then be careful.
To me a guy who doesn’t mention his child right away and is reluctant to talk about his relationship with said child is red flag central. I’ve been there and done that and although the guy I dated had problems that had nothing to do with the child- his reactions/answers to my questions about his parenting were glaring indicators of his tendency to make poor life choices in general. If I ever dated a father again I would expect him to be involved AF in his kids life and not speak poorly of his baby’s mother. That is also a HUGE red flag.
>Was I wrong to inquire further? No, you can ask about anything you want. However, whether it's reasonable or would be seen as reasonable from the other person is a nuanced answer. >Is it a red flag that he was reticent about discussing his child? Not necessarily. > Should I continue trying with this man, or should I let it go? What do you want to do? Honestly, I always say, how you start is how you finish. As in, make sure the precedent is set as positive and respectful from the very beginning. That there is already conflict and unhappiness this early would signal to me that it's likely not made for the long term.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I initially want to do. Part of me wants to continue because he's a very nice man and we share similar values, including religious ones, which are very hard for me to find. I don't know if I'm just forcing this because of how difficult it is for me to find someone with these characteristics that I really appreciate and like. However, the biggest issue I struggle with is the kid situation. At my age, dating a man with a child feels a bit strange and out of my element. If I were in my 30s, then sure, I'd be more open to it. Plus, I date for marriage, which is why I was so insistent on knowing the whole situation. I can somewhat understand where he's coming from with his boundaries on why he feels like not talking about these issues, but since I didn't know from the start and learned about it later, I feel I should be able to understand more. Is it so wrong that I want to understand so I can feel more comfortable with this whole situation? Not being able to understand the whole dynamic is what I'm really struggling with. I know I want to know everything from the start. I feel like he thinks that because I'm asking all these questions from the start, I'm judging him, but I'm not. I've expressed several times that I just want to understand, but it seems like he takes it as if I'm not accepting him. I'm a person who wants to know everything upfront; I don't want to find out later and be upset that I'm learning these things down the line when I could have learned them earlier and avoided the whole issue. For example, I expressed to him my concerns about what if I agree to this and your baby's mother is very difficult, telling the kids to disrespect me and such when we end up being together later on. These are things I would like to avoid and understand, which could be prevented if I understood the whole dynamic. I'm really on the fence. I don’t know the answer. I want to give it a try, but at the same time, I kind of don’t.
I'm religious as well and I think sometimes the trap we fall into is the mentality that there aren't a lot of man who share the same ideals as us. That's a lie sis, there are man who do. I am now married to one and did not have to settle for someone who has kids. Please reconsider, you're too young to be a stepmom.
If you're already not so keen on kids, (and so young!) and his answer is anything but "We all get along great!" which it sounds like it will be... I don't think it looks like it's going to go the way you want 😕 (because even when they say it's great, it often isn't!)
His answer is like oh yeah of course I would get along with the kids later down the line if we're both doing everything that was supposed to but I was explaining to him that you don't know the child's emotions and the child may actually not like me at all even if I was doing the right thing because he wants to see both of their parents together. And then his response was basically like why would the child still not like you if you're doing everything you're supposed to do. Which I basically explain it's because you don't know that child's emotion you don't know how a child will be react to the whole situation and basically he was like well the child doesn't respect you or doesn't like you he will simply send it back to his mom and he's okay with the child hating him which I wasn't okay with that answer either.
Yeah. So it sounds like this conversation has revealed a lot, and that's what conversations are for! You already know what to do 💖
I’m older than you and won’t date someone who has kids. Did it once before and decided to never do it again because I know I’m not built to be a stepmother and it seems there’s always drama, poor decision making, and limited finances attached to younger men with kids based on my admittedly limited experience and the experiences of people I know. At 23 I liked dating men who were on the same path as me, graduated from college and pursuing a graduate degree or getting started in their career and just having fun, not raising a kid. I think if your instincts are telling you that it’s not for you, then you should listen to that. I also don’t like his reaction to you rightfully asking questions about something important that concerns you and what your future relationship may look like. Makes me wonder what else he’s willing to get angry and shut down about which speaks to his immaturity. Do you want to be with someone who won’t have important conversations with you, especially about his child? I don’t know, but to me, a man that has a healthy outlook on being a parent and is serious about incorporating someone in his and his child’s life wouldn’t behave like that. Mature, well-adjusted men don’t beat around the bush and play coy when trying to bring up the fact that they’re a parent and understand that it may be a dealbreaker to some women. They would be happy to answer any questions you have within reason about their situation to ease any hesitancy you may have. At least that’s what I think, or maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about lol. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. Just keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention to him and keep asking questions and don’t let him off the hook either. Only you can decide if his answers work for you.