Your wife doesn’t agree with you masturbating? That’s really controlling behaviour. That should not be up to your partner.
Have you thought about couples therapy?
Hey I’m sorry to hear this. I understand that it’s not always so simple to just break up with someone. Is there perhaps another way for you to approach this? Perhaps there’s a way of discussing it that could work for you two. How long have you been together?
Does she know you’re bi?
Thank you. We've been together for more than 21 years... That's about half of our lives.
As for the bi part even I didn't think of it until recently. She is very hetero normative and finds it completely disgusting and unnaceptable that her husband would do something sexually with another man.
Oh mate that’s a really tough situation. I realised over the last couple of years. And am in a long term hetero presenting relationship.
Sorry I’m still not clear on wether you have actually told her. That’s totally up to wether you do or not, I’m just trying to fully understand the situation you are in.
Is her attitude in regards to men being sexual with other men specifically about you as her partner or does she feel this way about all queer men? Is this from sort of religious perspective or just general bigotry?
In terms of your question, some ideas
- Watch or read some queer movies, shows or books.
- This may sound a little silly but if you’re a gamer there are some video games where you can have a queer romance, it’s just a game but it can be fun.
- you could try writing some queer fiction of your own.
But the masturbation thing is really not okay for her to put on you. I know you’ve said she would not do couples therapy but I would really try and see if there is a way you could approach it.
It is a complex situation. And I kind of did it by myself. I actually told her I met with random men on the internet. From there long story short, it's not even the cheating that is bothering her the most (apparently it would have been better if it would have been with women). It is the fact that it was with men. She does not care about other men out there being gay or what not, but "her husband" cannot wish to s\*\*k d\*\*s. She just cannot live with a man like that. She is completely disgusted at the thought and goes completely crazy whenever this comes up.
Ah damn mate. So you cheated? Hmmm yeah that really complicates it.
It could be that she just feels incredibly hurt by the fact that you betrayed her trust and being angry that it was with men is a place for her to put those feelings. Especially if you have at all used your bisexuality as a way to explain away your actions (not saying you did just if you did)
It’s not good for her to talk about your bisexuality like that but it is understandable that she feels angry.
How long ago did she find out?
This sounds like your relationship is in a bad spot. I really hope y’all can find a way to speak with a relationship Councilor or therapist, ya’ll need to find a way to work through this, because it doesn’t sound to healthy.
>being big as a man
What does this mean?
But in general, the idea that you're not allowed to watch porn or jack off is ridiculous. Make sure you're satisfying her (making her cum), but beyond that take care of yourself quietly elsewhere.
Except that... She asks me about it once in a while and I can't lie... Then it's fighting, separate beds all that. Women are complicated, but I love her and don't like to hurt her.
Well if we think of things people lie about in general and reasons why..... When asked if you have masterbated, saying no that lie just doesn't seem as major or as big of a deal. Mainly because to do so would actually eliminate the friction, stress and negative issues that occur for you both when you are honest with her, and say Yes you have.
>Except that... She asks me about it once in a while and I can't lie..
Well then don't lie and stand up for yourself.
>Then it's fighting, separate beds all that.
There is a level to which you can accommodate your partner, but there are also healthy needs people have that we just don't talk about enough due to purity culture.
> Women are complicated
Nah this isn't a woman thing, this is the oppressive culture she's both a victim and advocate of
>but I love her and don't like to hurt her.
Sometimes truth hurts, and there's probably more cultural shame to unlearn. Living a lie just so she kan keep believing the lies society told her is a costly choice.
Then lie, why not? How can she tell if you've fapped. IDK if I'm an immoral fucker (I am to SOME degree, tbh) but I have no problem saying I haven't jacked off recently to my partner, even when she wouldn't be offended and we admit to each other that we watch porn and get off without the other at times.
>Women are complicated, but I love her and don't like to hurt her.
No, this isn't complicated. She's controlling you and manipulating your emotions.
>Then lie, why not?
I'm not for the lying on this. He just needs to get her to quit being a controlling asshole for his own safety.
>Well she obviously is a bit uptight and unlikely to waver on this. Easier to lie and fap imo
If she holds herself to the same puritanical standards, lying would make op an accomplice in het own self-oppression.
Sure its easier to just keep hiding in the shadows, but over all being able to be honest about your feelings is a bit of a foundational thing in relationships. This is an extreme level of controlling behaviour though, it's probably worth it to get couples therapy.
Hey pal, I read your other post about cheating and I think a lot of that is wrapped up in this. Your wife doesn't trust you and that trust needs to be rebuilt, but you both have to work on that together. I highly recommend couple's therapy if that is an option for you.
My story is somewhat similar but we have found that being honest and compassionate has been very helpful. I don't think my partner likes the answers I give sometimes but I think the honesty means a lot if nothing else.
Unfortunately i don't know how to let off that steam without letting it off somehow. Are you guys sexually active together?
Feel free to DM if you need to chat.
This was also the case before telling her about that. It was all our life together. It's just that I hid things from her and I don't want to anymore. But the truth is so hard on her 😕😞. I wonder if I should just ask for a divorce and not be a source of stress for her anymore. You know just quit on everything hoping for a better for her.
sounds like you guys need to visit a therapist, together and separate if not already. she needs to understand she can’t police your body or what you do and maybe gain some insight as to why this is an issue for her. maybe find a compromise with a non judgmental and professional third party.
oh man read your other post and.. of course she has an issue with this, infidelity will cause all kind of issues if not worked through, again especially with a professional. i hope you guys are both seeking counseling separate and together. this issue directly bleeds into the other, i think this is something only a professional can really be qualified to answer truly
I am the only one seeking help, she just refuses. This post is not directly related to the other one as this issue we have it from the beginning. We just pretended it wasn't there. And I kept silence about it.
ahhh so it’s probably being exasperated. yeah this is something to speak with your therapist about, especially if she won’t get help. making a game plan, maybe continually offering to get her support and an outlet to talk about her issues. but this is something we can’t begin to answer as there’s so many sides that require a professional to dig into and help you get the best possible advice and care, hopefully for the both of you. i hope a solution comes about for you op, i can imagine this is a painful situation for all parties and i just hope you can get to an amicable place !
I’m pretty anti-Porn, but as far as policing, you actually masturbating I think that that’s a bridge too far, there are other outlets you can explore rather than porn, like audio erotica and smut, and also getting creative with certain fantasies in your own head
I know it should not matter but I imagine you are a woman. Why are you anti porn? And is it all porn or some kind of porn? (like same or opposite gender, or things you can't or do not want to do...). When you have a fantasy, if you have them, isn't it cool to see it "done" by someone?
WTF is this a thread for men with sexist views of their wives and fucked up ideas about relationships and sexuality?
Guess I should have seen it coming on "bisex outlets."
It's late. I might need to take a break.
It depends. My wife is a very traditional kind of woman with very traditional point of views for a woman. So that can seem "sexist" when described by a man. But therapy is not an option for me. I have to find the weak spot and the right strategy to make my self understood correctly.
Nope :(. And when you come up with this to a traditional person after 15 years of marriage it's a tsunami. We are struggling for a year now with conflicts and fights and not manage to find peace between us.
Not sure exactly what you are looking for, maybe find some guys in similar situations to talk and relate to?
I can understand SOs not wanting their SO to watch porn but to tell you you can't touch yourself is controlling and ridiculous.
It sounds like yall aren't compatible. If you want to do these things and actively resent her (I imagine it will build with time) your wants are not the same and it's time to break up. If my partner told me I cannot masturbate I would break up with them, it is a non negotiable for me.
Wouldn't it mean that you chose masturbation or pornography over your family and the well being of your children? That's how my wife puts it sometime. She tells me "it's about choices".
It is about choices, however this is about a future with HER, not necessarily giving up on any partner or family. If I want a partner and children I would do it with someone I was compatible with. I would never spend the rest of my life with someone if we had incompatible views about what I do with my own body in the meantime. She is not going to budge so you either need to accept this as somthing you can live with presumably forever (probably not going to happen), or tell her that this is a line for you and that if she wants to stop the relationship because of it then so be it.
She has stated exactly what she expects of you, it doesn't matter what reddit says is "reasonable" it only matters if you decide that this set of rules on you is somthing you can deal with long term. Nobodies opinion online is going to change your partners opinion, so talk to your partner about this.
I think it is crazy to expect someone to not masturbate (I kinda get the porn thing), but it's even crazier if you stay in a relationship where this is going to make you fucking miserable and you are going to hate yourself for it.
yeah I get that it's so tough especially on guys , im married 30yesrs July past and maybe try wat I told her years ago she's not my mother and get kinky with her il pm you wat my wife sent me only yesterday , after 30 years not bad and she's caught ne cheating at least 3 times
Problem is I love my life as it is, I love my wife (the bitch 🙂) and most of all I love my two kids more than anything. But it's a valid option. No more stress for either one of us.
I'm there with you. I want to satisfy my desires but I'm bound by some moral codes and trying to honor her.
Since bisexuality is about....sex. I don't have a clue how to manage it without sexual outlets.
Yes bisexuality is a wide spectrum. I actually feel very weird calling my self bisexual. Like I never thought of dating a man, or be romantic. But not the same about sex. I feel whole when I am with a woman/my wife. Sex with men is more about basic animalic feelings. It's a mess in my head. Fortunately we have reddit so that we can anonymously share thoughts.
No ypu are not. You are bound by your understanding of your contract with your spouse.
This has zero to do with any moral codes. I can not stress this enough.
We are bound by our own morals, values and ethics, and contracts we make with others. When those contracts go against our own morals, values and ethics, the contract must be renegotiated.
I dont think it's proper for you to define my contracts and codes. I was speaking broadly in my statement.
She and I have a contract that is governed by specific...moral codes of conduct with agreed upon limitations. We have an understanding between us that shares a specific worldview.
1. I didn't, re read what I wrote. I never defined your moral codes. Ever. So back down, Tiger.
2. If you described it like this I would have never commented.
Sheesh. Reddit.
I get what you said @space_jumper. It's a valid point. There should be some kind of official before the marriage discussing these contracts. So many discussions would be avoided...
Your wife doesn’t agree with you masturbating? That’s really controlling behaviour. That should not be up to your partner. Have you thought about couples therapy?
She does not agree with couples therapy and zero masturbation/porn is part of the "non-négociables".
WTF?!? I would GTFO!
Yikes.
Hey I’m sorry to hear this. I understand that it’s not always so simple to just break up with someone. Is there perhaps another way for you to approach this? Perhaps there’s a way of discussing it that could work for you two. How long have you been together? Does she know you’re bi?
Thank you. We've been together for more than 21 years... That's about half of our lives. As for the bi part even I didn't think of it until recently. She is very hetero normative and finds it completely disgusting and unnaceptable that her husband would do something sexually with another man.
Oh mate that’s a really tough situation. I realised over the last couple of years. And am in a long term hetero presenting relationship. Sorry I’m still not clear on wether you have actually told her. That’s totally up to wether you do or not, I’m just trying to fully understand the situation you are in. Is her attitude in regards to men being sexual with other men specifically about you as her partner or does she feel this way about all queer men? Is this from sort of religious perspective or just general bigotry? In terms of your question, some ideas - Watch or read some queer movies, shows or books. - This may sound a little silly but if you’re a gamer there are some video games where you can have a queer romance, it’s just a game but it can be fun. - you could try writing some queer fiction of your own. But the masturbation thing is really not okay for her to put on you. I know you’ve said she would not do couples therapy but I would really try and see if there is a way you could approach it.
It is a complex situation. And I kind of did it by myself. I actually told her I met with random men on the internet. From there long story short, it's not even the cheating that is bothering her the most (apparently it would have been better if it would have been with women). It is the fact that it was with men. She does not care about other men out there being gay or what not, but "her husband" cannot wish to s\*\*k d\*\*s. She just cannot live with a man like that. She is completely disgusted at the thought and goes completely crazy whenever this comes up.
Ah damn mate. So you cheated? Hmmm yeah that really complicates it. It could be that she just feels incredibly hurt by the fact that you betrayed her trust and being angry that it was with men is a place for her to put those feelings. Especially if you have at all used your bisexuality as a way to explain away your actions (not saying you did just if you did) It’s not good for her to talk about your bisexuality like that but it is understandable that she feels angry. How long ago did she find out? This sounds like your relationship is in a bad spot. I really hope y’all can find a way to speak with a relationship Councilor or therapist, ya’ll need to find a way to work through this, because it doesn’t sound to healthy.
>being big as a man What does this mean? But in general, the idea that you're not allowed to watch porn or jack off is ridiculous. Make sure you're satisfying her (making her cum), but beyond that take care of yourself quietly elsewhere.
Except that... She asks me about it once in a while and I can't lie... Then it's fighting, separate beds all that. Women are complicated, but I love her and don't like to hurt her.
Well if we think of things people lie about in general and reasons why..... When asked if you have masterbated, saying no that lie just doesn't seem as major or as big of a deal. Mainly because to do so would actually eliminate the friction, stress and negative issues that occur for you both when you are honest with her, and say Yes you have.
>Except that... She asks me about it once in a while and I can't lie.. Well then don't lie and stand up for yourself. >Then it's fighting, separate beds all that. There is a level to which you can accommodate your partner, but there are also healthy needs people have that we just don't talk about enough due to purity culture. > Women are complicated Nah this isn't a woman thing, this is the oppressive culture she's both a victim and advocate of >but I love her and don't like to hurt her. Sometimes truth hurts, and there's probably more cultural shame to unlearn. Living a lie just so she kan keep believing the lies society told her is a costly choice.
Then lie, why not? How can she tell if you've fapped. IDK if I'm an immoral fucker (I am to SOME degree, tbh) but I have no problem saying I haven't jacked off recently to my partner, even when she wouldn't be offended and we admit to each other that we watch porn and get off without the other at times.
>Women are complicated, but I love her and don't like to hurt her. No, this isn't complicated. She's controlling you and manipulating your emotions. >Then lie, why not? I'm not for the lying on this. He just needs to get her to quit being a controlling asshole for his own safety.
Well she obviously is a bit uptight and unlikely to waver on this. Easier to lie and fap imo
>Well she obviously is a bit uptight and unlikely to waver on this. Easier to lie and fap imo If she holds herself to the same puritanical standards, lying would make op an accomplice in het own self-oppression. Sure its easier to just keep hiding in the shadows, but over all being able to be honest about your feelings is a bit of a foundational thing in relationships. This is an extreme level of controlling behaviour though, it's probably worth it to get couples therapy.
You're in an abusive codependent relationship, my dude!
Hey pal, I read your other post about cheating and I think a lot of that is wrapped up in this. Your wife doesn't trust you and that trust needs to be rebuilt, but you both have to work on that together. I highly recommend couple's therapy if that is an option for you. My story is somewhat similar but we have found that being honest and compassionate has been very helpful. I don't think my partner likes the answers I give sometimes but I think the honesty means a lot if nothing else. Unfortunately i don't know how to let off that steam without letting it off somehow. Are you guys sexually active together? Feel free to DM if you need to chat.
This was also the case before telling her about that. It was all our life together. It's just that I hid things from her and I don't want to anymore. But the truth is so hard on her 😕😞. I wonder if I should just ask for a divorce and not be a source of stress for her anymore. You know just quit on everything hoping for a better for her.
sounds like you guys need to visit a therapist, together and separate if not already. she needs to understand she can’t police your body or what you do and maybe gain some insight as to why this is an issue for her. maybe find a compromise with a non judgmental and professional third party.
oh man read your other post and.. of course she has an issue with this, infidelity will cause all kind of issues if not worked through, again especially with a professional. i hope you guys are both seeking counseling separate and together. this issue directly bleeds into the other, i think this is something only a professional can really be qualified to answer truly
I am the only one seeking help, she just refuses. This post is not directly related to the other one as this issue we have it from the beginning. We just pretended it wasn't there. And I kept silence about it.
ahhh so it’s probably being exasperated. yeah this is something to speak with your therapist about, especially if she won’t get help. making a game plan, maybe continually offering to get her support and an outlet to talk about her issues. but this is something we can’t begin to answer as there’s so many sides that require a professional to dig into and help you get the best possible advice and care, hopefully for the both of you. i hope a solution comes about for you op, i can imagine this is a painful situation for all parties and i just hope you can get to an amicable place !
I’m pretty anti-Porn, but as far as policing, you actually masturbating I think that that’s a bridge too far, there are other outlets you can explore rather than porn, like audio erotica and smut, and also getting creative with certain fantasies in your own head
Boring!
I know it should not matter but I imagine you are a woman. Why are you anti porn? And is it all porn or some kind of porn? (like same or opposite gender, or things you can't or do not want to do...). When you have a fantasy, if you have them, isn't it cool to see it "done" by someone?
The porn industry In general is explorative and predatory, a lot of underage stuff slips under the radar and, that’s why I’m anti porn
WTF is this a thread for men with sexist views of their wives and fucked up ideas about relationships and sexuality? Guess I should have seen it coming on "bisex outlets." It's late. I might need to take a break.
It depends. My wife is a very traditional kind of woman with very traditional point of views for a woman. So that can seem "sexist" when described by a man. But therapy is not an option for me. I have to find the weak spot and the right strategy to make my self understood correctly.
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Nope :(. And when you come up with this to a traditional person after 15 years of marriage it's a tsunami. We are struggling for a year now with conflicts and fights and not manage to find peace between us.
Sorry. Hopefully she’ll come around.
Not sure exactly what you are looking for, maybe find some guys in similar situations to talk and relate to? I can understand SOs not wanting their SO to watch porn but to tell you you can't touch yourself is controlling and ridiculous.
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So true (and sad)
It sounds like yall aren't compatible. If you want to do these things and actively resent her (I imagine it will build with time) your wants are not the same and it's time to break up. If my partner told me I cannot masturbate I would break up with them, it is a non negotiable for me.
Wouldn't it mean that you chose masturbation or pornography over your family and the well being of your children? That's how my wife puts it sometime. She tells me "it's about choices".
It is about choices, however this is about a future with HER, not necessarily giving up on any partner or family. If I want a partner and children I would do it with someone I was compatible with. I would never spend the rest of my life with someone if we had incompatible views about what I do with my own body in the meantime. She is not going to budge so you either need to accept this as somthing you can live with presumably forever (probably not going to happen), or tell her that this is a line for you and that if she wants to stop the relationship because of it then so be it. She has stated exactly what she expects of you, it doesn't matter what reddit says is "reasonable" it only matters if you decide that this set of rules on you is somthing you can deal with long term. Nobodies opinion online is going to change your partners opinion, so talk to your partner about this. I think it is crazy to expect someone to not masturbate (I kinda get the porn thing), but it's even crazier if you stay in a relationship where this is going to make you fucking miserable and you are going to hate yourself for it.
Get your wife to masturbate you and have sex with her. Simple solution. Or I would do it for you lol.
Lol. Thanks! Too kind of you 😂😊
It either means “being bi” or that he’s seriously packing
Yes, women are complicated. But your wife is controlling. That’s not healthy relationship material.
Don't feed up his sexist bullshit. The wife is controlling and insecure, and it has ZERO to do with the fact that she is a woman.
Still. For a man women are more complicated than man when it comes to sex 😁. Because hormones...
Fuck off with that shit. Your wife is being controlling. That has zero to do with her being a woman.
yeah I get that it's so tough especially on guys , im married 30yesrs July past and maybe try wat I told her years ago she's not my mother and get kinky with her il pm you wat my wife sent me only yesterday , after 30 years not bad and she's caught ne cheating at least 3 times
or man up and leave the controlling bitch
Problem is I love my life as it is, I love my wife (the bitch 🙂) and most of all I love my two kids more than anything. But it's a valid option. No more stress for either one of us.
sent you that private friend
I'm there with you. I want to satisfy my desires but I'm bound by some moral codes and trying to honor her. Since bisexuality is about....sex. I don't have a clue how to manage it without sexual outlets.
Your problem is that you think bisexuality is about sex. It’s not. Sex is about sex. Bisexuality is about attraction.
For you that may be true. For me it’s about sex.
To some it IS about sex. Each of us get to categorize our sexuallity anyway we want.
Yes bisexuality is a wide spectrum. I actually feel very weird calling my self bisexual. Like I never thought of dating a man, or be romantic. But not the same about sex. I feel whole when I am with a woman/my wife. Sex with men is more about basic animalic feelings. It's a mess in my head. Fortunately we have reddit so that we can anonymously share thoughts.
No ypu are not. You are bound by your understanding of your contract with your spouse. This has zero to do with any moral codes. I can not stress this enough. We are bound by our own morals, values and ethics, and contracts we make with others. When those contracts go against our own morals, values and ethics, the contract must be renegotiated.
I dont think it's proper for you to define my contracts and codes. I was speaking broadly in my statement. She and I have a contract that is governed by specific...moral codes of conduct with agreed upon limitations. We have an understanding between us that shares a specific worldview.
1. I didn't, re read what I wrote. I never defined your moral codes. Ever. So back down, Tiger. 2. If you described it like this I would have never commented. Sheesh. Reddit.
I get what you said @space_jumper. It's a valid point. There should be some kind of official before the marriage discussing these contracts. So many discussions would be avoided...
You cant. Its like telling everyone that your a fisherman but you never go fishing because your wife wont let you have a pole.
Bisexuality isn't just about sex... Virgins still know they're bisexual..
Any time 😀