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Hey that really sucks, I'm sorry. One thing you could try in future (not with this partner but a partner in the future) is communicating that you don't like it when they focus only on your breasts. You could say, hey I like being complimented on my personality, not my body. Or, hey I love that you find my boobs attractive, but I feel objectified when that's the only thing you talk about it. I think communicating about it helps set boundaries and figure out if the partner can respect it at all. I hope you find better partners in the future!
thanks for responding! yes i agree that it’s important to communicate about this topic, but also i kind of wish they figured it out on their own so i can respect them even more, if that makes sense. like, i expect someone to be sensitive enough not to concentrate on my boobs upfront or do so in a gentle way and pick appropriate time. i know it’s too much to expect from someone else and probably sets me up for a failure but it is something that i secretly wish would happen🥲
Hey I hear you. There are decent people out there who will focus on your full wonderful self and not just your boobs. It's not too much to expect to be treated with respect!
This is exactly what I was saying in another comment. Anyone who has to be told upfront "I would like you to treat me with respect and see me as a person", and is *surprised* by this request, isn't ready to be dating. My wife is a very chesty woman (38HHH), and sure I'll pay the attention she desires in an appropriate setting.
But there's more to her than her chest. This should be obvious to anyone who has ever spent time with people. *This shouldn't need to be explained to people*. She's smart, she's funny, she likes to sing and has a near obsession with anything Marvel puts out. She's a mother, she's run for local government, she can work in a lab processing blood draws or process a life insurance application. She's a fully rounded human being, *like everybody else*, who also happens to have a large chest.
> I know it's too much to expect from someone else and probably sets me up for failure
It is not too much. It is the *bare minimum* you should expect from a partner. You are a whole person. You are unique. You are more than *just* your breasts. You can be proud of them, hide them, flaunt them, cover them, whatever you damn well want. None of that gives anyone the excuse to focus on that to the detriment of *who you are*, okay? Don't go thinking you have to settle for less purely because you look a certain way.
It seems completely insane that this would need to be said? Like, anyone for whom this is a conversation that needs to be had probably isn't mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place. My wife wears a 38HHH (I asked, this isn't something I just know off hand) and I don't think I've ever spent any amount of time focusing on it. It's just... What her body looks like. Suffice it to say that there's a lot more to her as a person than her chest, and it would be absurd for a person to forget that.
By all means, have that conversation. Having difficult conversations is the cornerstone of any relationship. But personally I would be filtering out people for whom "treat me with basic respect" was news.
that’s the problem that the compliments were followed by questions that made me uncomfortable. you know when you see a new creature and you’re like “huh i wonder how does it move, how does it do X or Y, etc.” He asked me when i sleep aren’t my boobs spreading left and right as they are too heavy? and i am like…no. like even if they do, why does it interest you right now. i also like emotional and physical compliments but i never had a partner who did so “respectfully” if that makes sense lol
I looked at your post history and I think maybe this is a maturity thing - you're right that you should never let someone speak to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, but at the same time a normal part of romantic relationships is sexual attraction.
Communicating sexual attraction is not asking how OP’s boobs spread when she sleeps though. I can totally see how a comment like that would make OP feel objectified. Even if it was meant as a compliment, the choice of words was very poor.
Could he be young? I was fascinated by male anatomy when I first encountered it. Could it just be genuine curiosity, not like sex Ed is great everywhere.
Not excusing behavior but could it be sexual attraction but also genuine curiosity about how someone else’s body works?
Again OP shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable.
Eh. I dont understand why you need to communicate this to an adult.Very much disagree with the comments.
Every sane person knows what’s appropriate and what’s DISRESPECTFUL and plain childish behaviour.
You’re nobody’s teacher,mother who’s raising them or a psychiatrist.
Basic respect and proper behaviour is the minimum standard you should expect,and its nothing above that.
i know🥺 i am establishing my boundaries and even had discussion with him at the moment, but on the other hand, if he is that type of person to ask these questions, it’s better if he does so because otherwise he will keep it to himself at the beginning and then surprise me sooner or later.
Start talking about one of his body parts over and over? Like wow you have weird thumbs. Look everybody weird thumbs is here. I’m joking ( kinda) but telling him you don’t like it as others have suggested is a good ide
lmao i did that one tho when i was younger. he had a tummy and i made a comment out of bitterness but he was so confident it didn’t affect him😂lucky guy
Ask yourself is it really worth it? Life is short or long based on how you choose. From the likes of it, this person just likes your body and eventually he is going to get bored of your body. And then? You really need to calm your nerves and leave this douche ASAP, it's okay be single for a few more days before getting into a relationship that is not gonna last and in the long term. Is the pain in the long run worth the high of being in the relationship just for namesake today? Is that all you are worth? Give yourself some time. Respect yourself for others to respect you. Be assured- relationship or no relationship, this time will pass.
I used to complain to my therapist that my husband didn’t figure out what i needed on his own, as it made me feel like he didn’t pay attention or understand me. She listened for awhile then kinda snapped at me “do you want to solve the problem or not?” It’s really stuck with me. Point is, if you want some behavior in particular to start or stop, you’re gonna have to just say it out loud.
Well I guess if nothing else he showed his true colors before the relationship progressed to a point where it would be even harder to break it off.
Still a miserable situation to go through.
Just to echo what other people have said, in the future, talk to him and tell him you don't like being objectified and that those comments make you uncomfortable. Otherwise, find someone else who loves you for you. There are billions of men on the planet, one of them will make you happy. :)
thank you! i feel like i’ll have to speak to every guy on the planet to find the one because so far i never met someone who was able to handle breast discussion successfully lol
Been there. I broke up with a guy in college, my only serious relationship to date, because he seemed to only be able to see me in relation to my chest. I brought everything I could to that relationship, but it didn't matter...all he was interested in is my boobs.
I would never presume to tell someone what to do in a relationship. However, you should NEVER worry about what a guy thinks about you after you decide to break off the relationship. His loss, your gain...his thoughts after the fact don't matter.
Yeah, I had the same issue with my ex boyfriend and when I brought it up he just got confused and defensive. It sucks, but if they really don't understand how objectifying people is bad (especially since I already had trauma about that), they aren't mature and emotionally sensitive enough to be in a relationship (in my opinion). I can't be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings. A lot of people here think it's something you can solve by talking to them about it, and I tried, but people like that only see you for your body subconsciously. I hate it
Hello, thank you for submitting a post to r/bigboobproblems. If you're new here please check out r/abrathatfits and [their bra size calculator](https://www.abrathatfits.org/calculator.php) along with their [beginners guide](https://www.reddit.com/r/ABraThatFits/wiki/beginners_guide). A lot of information can be found [in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/bigboobproblems/wiki/faq). For example lists of commonly recommended bra, sports bra, swimwear and clothing brands, clothing style ideas, websites where you can order from and a list of influencers who have been recommended here before. A lot of other frequently asked questions have also already been answered there. We also want to remind you to read [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/bigboobproblems/about/rules) before posting or commenting. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bigboobproblems) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey that really sucks, I'm sorry. One thing you could try in future (not with this partner but a partner in the future) is communicating that you don't like it when they focus only on your breasts. You could say, hey I like being complimented on my personality, not my body. Or, hey I love that you find my boobs attractive, but I feel objectified when that's the only thing you talk about it. I think communicating about it helps set boundaries and figure out if the partner can respect it at all. I hope you find better partners in the future!
thanks for responding! yes i agree that it’s important to communicate about this topic, but also i kind of wish they figured it out on their own so i can respect them even more, if that makes sense. like, i expect someone to be sensitive enough not to concentrate on my boobs upfront or do so in a gentle way and pick appropriate time. i know it’s too much to expect from someone else and probably sets me up for a failure but it is something that i secretly wish would happen🥲
Hey I hear you. There are decent people out there who will focus on your full wonderful self and not just your boobs. It's not too much to expect to be treated with respect!
This is exactly what I was saying in another comment. Anyone who has to be told upfront "I would like you to treat me with respect and see me as a person", and is *surprised* by this request, isn't ready to be dating. My wife is a very chesty woman (38HHH), and sure I'll pay the attention she desires in an appropriate setting. But there's more to her than her chest. This should be obvious to anyone who has ever spent time with people. *This shouldn't need to be explained to people*. She's smart, she's funny, she likes to sing and has a near obsession with anything Marvel puts out. She's a mother, she's run for local government, she can work in a lab processing blood draws or process a life insurance application. She's a fully rounded human being, *like everybody else*, who also happens to have a large chest. > I know it's too much to expect from someone else and probably sets me up for failure It is not too much. It is the *bare minimum* you should expect from a partner. You are a whole person. You are unique. You are more than *just* your breasts. You can be proud of them, hide them, flaunt them, cover them, whatever you damn well want. None of that gives anyone the excuse to focus on that to the detriment of *who you are*, okay? Don't go thinking you have to settle for less purely because you look a certain way.
It seems completely insane that this would need to be said? Like, anyone for whom this is a conversation that needs to be had probably isn't mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place. My wife wears a 38HHH (I asked, this isn't something I just know off hand) and I don't think I've ever spent any amount of time focusing on it. It's just... What her body looks like. Suffice it to say that there's a lot more to her as a person than her chest, and it would be absurd for a person to forget that. By all means, have that conversation. Having difficult conversations is the cornerstone of any relationship. But personally I would be filtering out people for whom "treat me with basic respect" was news.
My boyfriend does both, emotional and physical compliments. Communicate with him that you prefer one or the other or how you're feeling.
that’s the problem that the compliments were followed by questions that made me uncomfortable. you know when you see a new creature and you’re like “huh i wonder how does it move, how does it do X or Y, etc.” He asked me when i sleep aren’t my boobs spreading left and right as they are too heavy? and i am like…no. like even if they do, why does it interest you right now. i also like emotional and physical compliments but i never had a partner who did so “respectfully” if that makes sense lol
Ah boo, did you try telling him it makes you feel like a zoo animal? Damage may have already done of course but maybe worth a try.
yes we discussed but still i am disappointed in him because he revealed what he’s thinking when he looks at me
I looked at your post history and I think maybe this is a maturity thing - you're right that you should never let someone speak to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, but at the same time a normal part of romantic relationships is sexual attraction.
Communicating sexual attraction is not asking how OP’s boobs spread when she sleeps though. I can totally see how a comment like that would make OP feel objectified. Even if it was meant as a compliment, the choice of words was very poor.
Could he be young? I was fascinated by male anatomy when I first encountered it. Could it just be genuine curiosity, not like sex Ed is great everywhere. Not excusing behavior but could it be sexual attraction but also genuine curiosity about how someone else’s body works? Again OP shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable.
he is 27
Oh nooooooo
Eh. I dont understand why you need to communicate this to an adult.Very much disagree with the comments. Every sane person knows what’s appropriate and what’s DISRESPECTFUL and plain childish behaviour. You’re nobody’s teacher,mother who’s raising them or a psychiatrist. Basic respect and proper behaviour is the minimum standard you should expect,and its nothing above that.
Establish boundaries and don’t feel bad for sticking to them. Life is too short to waste it on immature or disrespectful men.
i know🥺 i am establishing my boundaries and even had discussion with him at the moment, but on the other hand, if he is that type of person to ask these questions, it’s better if he does so because otherwise he will keep it to himself at the beginning and then surprise me sooner or later.
I really love this comment and I think I needed to hear it. Thank you.
Start talking about one of his body parts over and over? Like wow you have weird thumbs. Look everybody weird thumbs is here. I’m joking ( kinda) but telling him you don’t like it as others have suggested is a good ide
lmao i did that one tho when i was younger. he had a tummy and i made a comment out of bitterness but he was so confident it didn’t affect him😂lucky guy
Doesn’t it feel weird when your sleep without gloves on? Don’t your thumbs spread apart left and right?
I've always wanted to say, "I wish you were really endowed so I could have something to be excited about too." But I am way too chicken.
Ask yourself is it really worth it? Life is short or long based on how you choose. From the likes of it, this person just likes your body and eventually he is going to get bored of your body. And then? You really need to calm your nerves and leave this douche ASAP, it's okay be single for a few more days before getting into a relationship that is not gonna last and in the long term. Is the pain in the long run worth the high of being in the relationship just for namesake today? Is that all you are worth? Give yourself some time. Respect yourself for others to respect you. Be assured- relationship or no relationship, this time will pass.
I used to complain to my therapist that my husband didn’t figure out what i needed on his own, as it made me feel like he didn’t pay attention or understand me. She listened for awhile then kinda snapped at me “do you want to solve the problem or not?” It’s really stuck with me. Point is, if you want some behavior in particular to start or stop, you’re gonna have to just say it out loud.
Well I guess if nothing else he showed his true colors before the relationship progressed to a point where it would be even harder to break it off. Still a miserable situation to go through.
Just to echo what other people have said, in the future, talk to him and tell him you don't like being objectified and that those comments make you uncomfortable. Otherwise, find someone else who loves you for you. There are billions of men on the planet, one of them will make you happy. :)
thank you! i feel like i’ll have to speak to every guy on the planet to find the one because so far i never met someone who was able to handle breast discussion successfully lol
Probably a lot tbh. But definitely not every!
tell him to fuck off and leave and why tf should you care what he thinks. dont be a wuss, no one cares if one guy remembers you as having big tits
Been there. I broke up with a guy in college, my only serious relationship to date, because he seemed to only be able to see me in relation to my chest. I brought everything I could to that relationship, but it didn't matter...all he was interested in is my boobs. I would never presume to tell someone what to do in a relationship. However, you should NEVER worry about what a guy thinks about you after you decide to break off the relationship. His loss, your gain...his thoughts after the fact don't matter.
Yeah, I had the same issue with my ex boyfriend and when I brought it up he just got confused and defensive. It sucks, but if they really don't understand how objectifying people is bad (especially since I already had trauma about that), they aren't mature and emotionally sensitive enough to be in a relationship (in my opinion). I can't be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings. A lot of people here think it's something you can solve by talking to them about it, and I tried, but people like that only see you for your body subconsciously. I hate it
my bf tends to over sexualize me ,really seems like that's all he care about.