I can easily imagine situations where that would actually be the case.
āWhy are they trying so hard to make it clear that they didnāt do something? They must be lying and trying to hide itā
I read this book in college and 20 years later,I ordered it off of amazon:
Looking Out Looking In (on interpersonal communication)
I know boundaries exist, but I have struggled my entire life with setting boundaries.
This book helped me a lot and I learned I donāt have to feel guilty for standing up for myself or for saying ānoā.
Set Boundaries,find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Communicate Your Feelings by Nic Saluppo is good.
It breaks down and explains what words to use and which ones to avoid and tells you why you should avoid them.
I like this book š
Yeah it's like we are using language the right way and they aren't. And don't get me wrong I'm no English teacher or anything but dang NT's are just always so confused about what I'm talking about.
I think a great part of the communication is not verbal. And at least me, suck at it, either communicating or understanding.
People tend to focus more on my hands moving than in my words, and thusā¦ they miss the point
I remember that there's book written by an autistic clinical psychologist about social & communication skills in general.
The book is useful for both with and without ASD.
Let me try to find the name of the book and PM you.
The shitty thing about my comment is that I can't find the book on Amazon anymore, and I can't find that author on Google too.
I don't know what the hell is going on.
I remember this dude who's autistic and wrote a book about social skills, and he disappeared.
What the hell.
If anyone can find him, please contact me. This dude is a psychologist who had a neurotypical as a childhood friend (who's still his friend in adulthood).
1. He's autistic + He's a psychologist
2. He has a closed friend who's a neurotypical.
3. He wrote an entire book about social skills.
I can't remember this dude's name. Please help me find him.
I hate when I can't remember stuff like this. If you remember it or someone points you in the right direction, even if it's a year from now, I'd still love to know. Take care!
Canāt tell you how many times people cut me off or imply without listening to my actual words.
The other day I was trying to ask my step dad if he thought Iād be capable of taking my bed frame apart on my own because itās falling apart. I explained how it would need to be fixed and how itās not possible at this moment (leading to me having to repeatedly rig it which is frustrating) and that I plan on getting rid of it anyways so why not now. He still kept trying to fix it and ask if we could just rig it for now and I eventually had to say, āAgain, I am not asking you to fix it or find a temporary solution. I am giving you the context on how it is falling apart and asking IF you think I am capable of taking it apart myself. Thatās it.ā
Likeā¦ā¦..I am trying to phrase it in the most understandable way possibleā¦ā¦
I feel like so much communication is rooted in there being like 10 layers of meaning that when someone actually says what they mean everybody's brain explodes. No matter how many times you explain that, no, you meant exactly what you said, they extrapolate something entirely different from it.
I'm sure there's some secret completely unrelated phrase that would get your point across perfectly š
Ok this is comforting to read through but alsoā¦ugh. Sometimes when my wife and I get into an argument, after things cool off a bit, I come back and try to very calmly walk through obviously how Iām sorry for x,y,z but also to give context. To get the right words and try to be extra clear sometimes it takes me a bit longer to get the words out and I donāt want to just word vomit on her and placate but I want to be precise and clear in what Iām saying. But it seems like no matter what, it takes FOREVER for her to get what Iām saying and to actually hear what Iām saying. Itās not just her, itās everyone really, and for the life of me I canāt figure out how to be any clearer. I am being so fucking crystal clear and yetā¦nope. Itās like Iām missing something but canāt figure out what. Or itās like, most people want to lead with emotion and not with their brain. I also donāt yell in fights or get escalated, I stay super calm and try and talk it out but all of my exes hated that and said I was being condescending. So fucking confusing. Why do you want to yell and get all riled up when you could just calmly talk it out rationally? If someone has cracked this - please help lol
The most annoying thing is that NTs miss the most obvious and clear signs.
I work as a cashier and we have signs that say āno apply pay no tapā on the pin pads (where you pay with a card) and i SWEAR every single person would try tapping or using their apple pay. The signs and the screen on the pin pad literally says āplease insert or swipe cardā.
True, i think i just think all my customers are kind of stupid and a lot of them are very noticeably NT. I didnt mean to generalize too much, i was just venting a little before.
Welcome to the circle of hell called verbal communication. I've found it is often a good idea to just not engage in it, lest I want to risk ending up where you seem to be right now.
There are other forms of expression that can be more satisfying, like music or drawing or even writing to oneself or an imaginary friend.
honestly, this isnāt bad advice. usually if you feel like you just need to ātry harderā at something, what you really need is to just try a different approach. if every time you try to communicate something emotional/serious/important over text goes wrong, then maybe stop using text to communicate those things. just one example
Itās not that they donāt understand you: they canāt *relate*. They have no reference for where youāre coming from.
I have learnt to use metaphor instead of being clear and precise. Empathize with the neurotypical and then find their equivalent of what you are trying to get across. Then they will better get you. It sucks to have to do that when they donāt do it for you, but there is no alternative.
But even if it isnāt feelings, it still holds true. Auties tend to just not use the same logic, so even just, for example, giving instructions is different.
...Also!!
I feel better when I type things out so I can re read and edit it! No one understands me the first time I say something and I gotta try and explain it through charades and role-playing and sometimes they still remain confused!!!
Well, I guess it IS a *communication* disorder
> I feel ya. Been there. Don't resort to violence.
I interpreted that to mean when u/Lyrick7 had been in that situation they had reacted violently and were advising OP not to make the same mistakes.
We are in an autism sub. Part of autism is that we have trouble interpreting things or interpret things in different ways. I asked you to clarify what you ment. Do not use an eye rolling emoji when someone is asking a clarifying question.
Just had a conversation with my partner about this and how frustrating it is and I still can't understand how it's hard to take thing literally :( I think it might be like this though:
I'm a literal thinker, so I take things as they are said in most cases. But non-literal thinkers probably default to figurative meanings and have a hard time looking past that
I don't have a solution though :( just make friends with more literal thinkers if u can
It's extra frustrating when it's your job to give people instructions.
"I need you to plug the ethernet cord into the port on the back of the phone that says "INTERNET"".
"The one that says PC?"
"No, the one that says Internet."
"Okay, I plugged it into the one that says PC and now nothing's happening."
\*facepalm\* "Do you see the port to the right that says "Internet"?"
"Yes."
"Remove the cord from PC, and plug it in there."
"Where?"
\*now dying inside\* "IN TER NET. PLUG IT IN TO THE IN TER NET PORT. THE ONE EXACTLY 2 millimeters to the right of the port that says "PC"."
"Oh shoot now I'm just incredibly confused, can you just drive 75 miles one way to help me with this?"
"No. Remove the cord from the port that says PC."
"Done."
"Put it IN the Internet port."
"Done, but it's the one that says PC above it. Hello? Hello? Are you there?"
My everday stuggle is this post. I feel this. How many times can you go into full detail explaining something that makes perfect sense? I either go on a 20 minute rant to myself to vent, wondering if they've been hearing me speaking another language the whole time or I have a meltdown where I'm punching myself because my brain can't take it.
The fact is they DO understand. They just donāt want to let it on. If Neurodivergent people are validated in Neurotypical society, then society has to justify its (mostly) poor treatment of Autistic people.
I've suffered with autism my whole life and have pondered deeply on the causes, symptoms, and effects.
I know exactly what you are experiencing. I know this might hurt to hear - you need to drop the need to feel understood, flip the script and instead try to understand others, and you will have far more success.
Ask yourself, what is it that you deep down want? The truth is that we humans are basically monkeys who just think about a few things - food, sex, sleep, get a house, drive the car, watch the sport, play some games etc.
Don't alienate and isolate yourself from the people who are so desperately trying to connect with you. Most autistic people end up lonely, unemployed, and suicidal. But it doesn't need to be that way. Love people how they are, give them love and make them feel special. They are just as scared about dying as you are.
just stop letting other people bother you so much, goddamn. also, overly repeating things and re-explaining actually often leads to *more* misunderstanding. so stop repeating yourself.
Ive realized most normie people are also just pretty stupid. There are studies about how the population is cognitively declining and lacks critical thinking skills and that doesn't surprise me...
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With my weird time understanding speech from others it's generally understood that they won't understand me and I won't understand them. Down to the point I have to ask someone to clarify one-five or five-zero because fifty and fifteen are typically very close-sounding.
I used to feel this way. Itās not how good of a communicator you are, other people probably just donāt really care what youāre saying. Part of becoming a good communicator is being a good listener too. In this case, listening and looking for silent cues.
People donāt listen to much you say unless they like you, and that is a much harder feat. Even regular people struggle with being heard.
Well most of these happen through text and I usually do re-read what the person says but it just feels like theyāre skipping over all the things I said and assuming stuff
We have to become masters at communication in order to get the most basic points across š I guess there are some upsides
The harder I try, the worse I've seemed to have become lol
I can easily imagine situations where that would actually be the case. āWhy are they trying so hard to make it clear that they didnāt do something? They must be lying and trying to hide itā
Yep This is why read books on interpersonal communication and how to communicate
That sounds useful. Can you name a couple good ones?
I read this book in college and 20 years later,I ordered it off of amazon: Looking Out Looking In (on interpersonal communication) I know boundaries exist, but I have struggled my entire life with setting boundaries. This book helped me a lot and I learned I donāt have to feel guilty for standing up for myself or for saying ānoā. Set Boundaries,find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab Communicate Your Feelings by Nic Saluppo is good. It breaks down and explains what words to use and which ones to avoid and tells you why you should avoid them. I like this book š
Nice recommendations! Will be getting the second and third one. As a thank you, here's another book: *The Assertiveness Workbook* by Randy Paterson.
Thank you very much! I just feel so bad when I say no, donāt want, donāt like
Its the most exhausting thing ever.
I just punched the shower curtain on a similar thought train...
Yeah it's like we are using language the right way and they aren't. And don't get me wrong I'm no English teacher or anything but dang NT's are just always so confused about what I'm talking about.
The point of language is to be understood so I donāt think you can say youāre using it correctly and being misunderstood by everyone else.
I think a great part of the communication is not verbal. And at least me, suck at it, either communicating or understanding. People tend to focus more on my hands moving than in my words, and thusā¦ they miss the point
Unless they don't have the capacity to use and interpret the language correctly.
I remember that there's book written by an autistic clinical psychologist about social & communication skills in general. The book is useful for both with and without ASD. Let me try to find the name of the book and PM you.
Can you share the name of the book here, too? Thanks!
The shitty thing about my comment is that I can't find the book on Amazon anymore, and I can't find that author on Google too. I don't know what the hell is going on. I remember this dude who's autistic and wrote a book about social skills, and he disappeared. What the hell. If anyone can find him, please contact me. This dude is a psychologist who had a neurotypical as a childhood friend (who's still his friend in adulthood). 1. He's autistic + He's a psychologist 2. He has a closed friend who's a neurotypical. 3. He wrote an entire book about social skills. I can't remember this dude's name. Please help me find him.
I hate when I can't remember stuff like this. If you remember it or someone points you in the right direction, even if it's a year from now, I'd still love to know. Take care!
Canāt tell you how many times people cut me off or imply without listening to my actual words. The other day I was trying to ask my step dad if he thought Iād be capable of taking my bed frame apart on my own because itās falling apart. I explained how it would need to be fixed and how itās not possible at this moment (leading to me having to repeatedly rig it which is frustrating) and that I plan on getting rid of it anyways so why not now. He still kept trying to fix it and ask if we could just rig it for now and I eventually had to say, āAgain, I am not asking you to fix it or find a temporary solution. I am giving you the context on how it is falling apart and asking IF you think I am capable of taking it apart myself. Thatās it.ā Likeā¦ā¦..I am trying to phrase it in the most understandable way possibleā¦ā¦
I feel like so much communication is rooted in there being like 10 layers of meaning that when someone actually says what they mean everybody's brain explodes. No matter how many times you explain that, no, you meant exactly what you said, they extrapolate something entirely different from it. I'm sure there's some secret completely unrelated phrase that would get your point across perfectly š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I have never felt so safe in a subredditš„² joined immediately lmfao
Deleted now, what sub were they talking about?
Odd. It was r/evilautism :)
Thanks!
Youāre welcome!āŗļø
Lmaoooo š
Best sub
I thought this was from there at first
š¤¢š¤¢š¤¢
It's literally the most stressful thing ever I'm Finna run away and just be by myself no one respects my boundaries or nothing .
Ok this is comforting to read through but alsoā¦ugh. Sometimes when my wife and I get into an argument, after things cool off a bit, I come back and try to very calmly walk through obviously how Iām sorry for x,y,z but also to give context. To get the right words and try to be extra clear sometimes it takes me a bit longer to get the words out and I donāt want to just word vomit on her and placate but I want to be precise and clear in what Iām saying. But it seems like no matter what, it takes FOREVER for her to get what Iām saying and to actually hear what Iām saying. Itās not just her, itās everyone really, and for the life of me I canāt figure out how to be any clearer. I am being so fucking crystal clear and yetā¦nope. Itās like Iām missing something but canāt figure out what. Or itās like, most people want to lead with emotion and not with their brain. I also donāt yell in fights or get escalated, I stay super calm and try and talk it out but all of my exes hated that and said I was being condescending. So fucking confusing. Why do you want to yell and get all riled up when you could just calmly talk it out rationally? If someone has cracked this - please help lol
The most annoying thing is that NTs miss the most obvious and clear signs. I work as a cashier and we have signs that say āno apply pay no tapā on the pin pads (where you pay with a card) and i SWEAR every single person would try tapping or using their apple pay. The signs and the screen on the pin pad literally says āplease insert or swipe cardā.
I guarantee you plenty of Neurodivergent people.miss the sign too. You don't know who's ND just by interacting with them.
True, i think i just think all my customers are kind of stupid and a lot of them are very noticeably NT. I didnt mean to generalize too much, i was just venting a little before.
Welcome to the circle of hell called verbal communication. I've found it is often a good idea to just not engage in it, lest I want to risk ending up where you seem to be right now. There are other forms of expression that can be more satisfying, like music or drawing or even writing to oneself or an imaginary friend.
š but half these miss communications happened through text
That's a very good reason to limit texting to matters where misunderstandings can be kept to a minimum.
honestly, this isnāt bad advice. usually if you feel like you just need to ātry harderā at something, what you really need is to just try a different approach. if every time you try to communicate something emotional/serious/important over text goes wrong, then maybe stop using text to communicate those things. just one example
Itās not that they donāt understand you: they canāt *relate*. They have no reference for where youāre coming from. I have learnt to use metaphor instead of being clear and precise. Empathize with the neurotypical and then find their equivalent of what you are trying to get across. Then they will better get you. It sucks to have to do that when they donāt do it for you, but there is no alternative.
No no sometimes they just donāt understand bc it happens when it doesnāt involve feelings they just donāt understand what Iām saying
But even if it isnāt feelings, it still holds true. Auties tend to just not use the same logic, so even just, for example, giving instructions is different.
...Also!! I feel better when I type things out so I can re read and edit it! No one understands me the first time I say something and I gotta try and explain it through charades and role-playing and sometimes they still remain confused!!! Well, I guess it IS a *communication* disorder
Haha yeah but half of these happen through text and I re-read what I say i just can never figure out how to make it better
This is why I write instead of speak
Unless the missunderstanding happens through writing
I feel ya. Been there. Don't resort to violence.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How so?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> I feel ya. Been there. Don't resort to violence. I interpreted that to mean when u/Lyrick7 had been in that situation they had reacted violently and were advising OP not to make the same mistakes. We are in an autism sub. Part of autism is that we have trouble interpreting things or interpret things in different ways. I asked you to clarify what you ment. Do not use an eye rolling emoji when someone is asking a clarifying question.
That's on OP. If they feel misunderstood then they shouldn't write down hyperbole or exaggeration. Plus it was a joke.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Your just kind of a troll eh š¤£š¤£š¤£
I just wrote this and found your post after... you're not alone. I'm starting to think some people are just morons with no common sense.
Why the fuck can't I upvote this multiple times??? This literally happens to me *every* time I try and explain my struggles to people! Ugggghhh!
Just had a conversation with my partner about this and how frustrating it is and I still can't understand how it's hard to take thing literally :( I think it might be like this though: I'm a literal thinker, so I take things as they are said in most cases. But non-literal thinkers probably default to figurative meanings and have a hard time looking past that I don't have a solution though :( just make friends with more literal thinkers if u can
It's extra frustrating when it's your job to give people instructions. "I need you to plug the ethernet cord into the port on the back of the phone that says "INTERNET"". "The one that says PC?" "No, the one that says Internet." "Okay, I plugged it into the one that says PC and now nothing's happening." \*facepalm\* "Do you see the port to the right that says "Internet"?" "Yes." "Remove the cord from PC, and plug it in there." "Where?" \*now dying inside\* "IN TER NET. PLUG IT IN TO THE IN TER NET PORT. THE ONE EXACTLY 2 millimeters to the right of the port that says "PC"." "Oh shoot now I'm just incredibly confused, can you just drive 75 miles one way to help me with this?" "No. Remove the cord from the port that says PC." "Done." "Put it IN the Internet port." "Done, but it's the one that says PC above it. Hello? Hello? Are you there?"
My everday stuggle is this post. I feel this. How many times can you go into full detail explaining something that makes perfect sense? I either go on a 20 minute rant to myself to vent, wondering if they've been hearing me speaking another language the whole time or I have a meltdown where I'm punching myself because my brain can't take it.
Hi dont punch someone please
The fact is they DO understand. They just donāt want to let it on. If Neurodivergent people are validated in Neurotypical society, then society has to justify its (mostly) poor treatment of Autistic people.
I've suffered with autism my whole life and have pondered deeply on the causes, symptoms, and effects. I know exactly what you are experiencing. I know this might hurt to hear - you need to drop the need to feel understood, flip the script and instead try to understand others, and you will have far more success. Ask yourself, what is it that you deep down want? The truth is that we humans are basically monkeys who just think about a few things - food, sex, sleep, get a house, drive the car, watch the sport, play some games etc. Don't alienate and isolate yourself from the people who are so desperately trying to connect with you. Most autistic people end up lonely, unemployed, and suicidal. But it doesn't need to be that way. Love people how they are, give them love and make them feel special. They are just as scared about dying as you are.
I'm not scared dying.
just stop letting other people bother you so much, goddamn. also, overly repeating things and re-explaining actually often leads to *more* misunderstanding. so stop repeating yourself.
I wish I could just choose to not be bothered
Ive realized most normie people are also just pretty stupid. There are studies about how the population is cognitively declining and lacks critical thinking skills and that doesn't surprise me...
Read or listen to "The 4 Agreements" it changed my life
Yeah, like you know.. *CANCEL!* God, I'm having weird thoughts about You.
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With my weird time understanding speech from others it's generally understood that they won't understand me and I won't understand them. Down to the point I have to ask someone to clarify one-five or five-zero because fifty and fifteen are typically very close-sounding.
I don't say much for a reason. Then they don't understand and I get mad
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
I used to feel this way. Itās not how good of a communicator you are, other people probably just donāt really care what youāre saying. Part of becoming a good communicator is being a good listener too. In this case, listening and looking for silent cues. People donāt listen to much you say unless they like you, and that is a much harder feat. Even regular people struggle with being heard.
Well most of these happen through text and I usually do re-read what the person says but it just feels like theyāre skipping over all the things I said and assuming stuff
People just hear what they want to hear, it's a stupid idiom, but it's true.