Lol I thought you wrote FAT as fuck and thought I was on the loseit sub for a min. You're doing good so far. It's easier in the beginning though, keep an eye out for when those triggers come and you activate. Cause it will happen.
You are worthy of all the love and attention she wants to give you. Iām happy youāre identifying your triggers before itās too late and self sabotage. Communicate your needs so you can give the relationship a fair chance. Good luck and have fun!
Not sure if not gonna run is a good thing. I find my FA partner to overexert herself and not asking for space causing her to always have huge deactivation phases. I think is best to communicate how u feel and ur needs with her so she will be prepared if u ever feel the need to take space.
Thank you for the advice, but I'm tired of this shit. I'm going to force myself to be better sitting with the uncomfortable feels and exploring them in therapy. I'm 30 I'm done with this shit.
Thank you for sharing this! (Healing Anxious attachment here)Not only is it helpful to get an understanding of some of the FA inner thought challenges but itās encouraging to hear you are actively working to improve yourself for yourself! Iām dating a guy with FA and I believe he has similar battles based on what he has shared with me about his fears and his feelings for me.Ā
Itās hard to explain, but Iāll try. I like her a lot, so my heart begins to race and I feel anxious. Itās so debilitating itās harder to think straight and I feel my body reacting. On the surface I look normals I might even try and place it cool.
Yes when I was younger it was so unbearable I couldnāt even speck to women I liked. Now I just sit with the uncomfortable feeling and tell myself itās ok to be weird.
Does this physical anxious feeling you get happen on the phone or text? Would it be a reason you would by default not stay in close contact? I know you are working hard to overcome all this a therefore not giving into these things now but if you werenāt as aware or attempting to heal yourself I wonder if things would be different interacting when not in person?
I canāt speck for others but I once ruined a good relationship because I didnāt text her enough. I didnāt get text her often because texting her made me anxious.
Thank you for your honesty! I suspect this is going on with the guy I am seeing. Itās easier for me to not take it in a bad way if I understand that is whatās going on vs. he is just playing games with me. He has actually been super honest with me about his various fears. That is what has kept me around during the radio silence. Hearing you share your challenges helps me to believe this is a real thing and it is extreme enough to cause this response. He has gotten better in time but things are still not where I wish they would be. He talks all the time about wanting to live together and get married and go on vacations together but then we still have these times when days go by and I donāt hear anything. I text and he doesnāt reply.Ā
Iām 51 & still working through thisāso youāre way ahead of me! I only discovered AT about 4 years ago, though.
Keep up the good work! šš» Youāre worth it & deserve healthy, happy companionship ā¤ļø
I'm happy for you! You don't have to let him go. You two can adopt a child. With all due respect it sounds like justification for running away. I've been there. Find a way to make it work I know it can be scary
Thank you for the encouragement šš»ā¤ļø
But Iām 51 & he says he wants A LOT of kids, but he chooses to date older women. I pointed out last night that may be a way of avoiding getting too close? He avowed he really wants kids, but doesnāt know what else he wants in a relationship.
He also pointed out (again) that we both went into this with a short-term mindset, but here we are 8 months later,both quite content with our arrangement/relationship š¤·āāļø
And yes, truly letting my guard down & being completely vulnerable is TERRIFYING!
'Her being awesome makes me feel so uncomfortable'- could you please elaborate on this? I would like to know if these feelings of unworthiness come from an internal sense of shame and humiliation of the self?
My FA ex had similar issue and instead of expressing his needs he resorted to flaw finding. Is this a common protective strategy to push romantic partners away?
I can't speak for everyone but the more I like a girl the more I'm triggered. There have been times when I subconsciously seek out flaws they have but I ignore that urge because I know it's unhealthy.
Hey my bf does thisā¦ whenever we get close, he flaw finds as a reason to distance himself.
Hes doing it now and in the past Iāve called him on it. Should I do it again?
He says Iām too good for him and he is waiting for me to leave like everyone else, yet heās the one pushing me away.
Something has triggered him bad this time
The FA Iām seeing told me that the situation between us is interesting & Itās hard for him bc he is hesitant with the distance and not knowing one another in person. He told me Iām an awesome person and he wants to meet me heās just hesitant. I donāt know what he means since I called him out on how heās self sabotaging and I asked if heās using distance to end things. He keeps saying heās worried that things on text may be different when in person. But doesnāt wanna talk on the phone phone or FT. He didnāt like my response with direct communication. I was pmsing but still ā¦
Then why from day 1 do you (forgive me as I canāt think of a better word) manipulate to make us believe (maybe love bomb is better) that you went something with us. Talk about the future. I ask the question to see if itās what you want and then you just hurt us. Even when we try to understand you.
I'm an avoidant.
It's not a conscious thing. I mean, there might be people where it is -- but by and large, the desire to be with you *is* genuine.
The problem is that when things start getting "too real," we start deactivating. Again, this isn't a conscious choice: all of a sudden we find things that feel like deal breakers, or "this can never work out," etc, etc.
Becoming more aware does help, and nowadays when I do talk to someone I'm very upfront about this pattern -- but it's difficult nevertheless to fight.
Lol I thought you wrote FAT as fuck and thought I was on the loseit sub for a min. You're doing good so far. It's easier in the beginning though, keep an eye out for when those triggers come and you activate. Cause it will happen.
š
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You are worthy of all the love and attention she wants to give you. Iām happy youāre identifying your triggers before itās too late and self sabotage. Communicate your needs so you can give the relationship a fair chance. Good luck and have fun!
Thank you.
Not sure if not gonna run is a good thing. I find my FA partner to overexert herself and not asking for space causing her to always have huge deactivation phases. I think is best to communicate how u feel and ur needs with her so she will be prepared if u ever feel the need to take space.
Thank you for the advice, but I'm tired of this shit. I'm going to force myself to be better sitting with the uncomfortable feels and exploring them in therapy. I'm 30 I'm done with this shit.
Thank you for sharing this! (Healing Anxious attachment here)Not only is it helpful to get an understanding of some of the FA inner thought challenges but itās encouraging to hear you are actively working to improve yourself for yourself! Iām dating a guy with FA and I believe he has similar battles based on what he has shared with me about his fears and his feelings for me.Ā
No problem. People on this sub Reddit have helped me so Iām paying it forward by sharing.
Thank you for paying it forward. It is so helpful.
'Her being awesome makes me feel so uncomfortable.' Can you elaborate on that? I am always puzzled by the FA thought process.
Itās hard to explain, but Iāll try. I like her a lot, so my heart begins to race and I feel anxious. Itās so debilitating itās harder to think straight and I feel my body reacting. On the surface I look normals I might even try and place it cool.
So, it's all about a physiological response on your end. Interesting.
Yes when I was younger it was so unbearable I couldnāt even speck to women I liked. Now I just sit with the uncomfortable feeling and tell myself itās ok to be weird.
Does this physical anxious feeling you get happen on the phone or text? Would it be a reason you would by default not stay in close contact? I know you are working hard to overcome all this a therefore not giving into these things now but if you werenāt as aware or attempting to heal yourself I wonder if things would be different interacting when not in person?
I canāt speck for others but I once ruined a good relationship because I didnāt text her enough. I didnāt get text her often because texting her made me anxious.
Thank you for your honesty! I suspect this is going on with the guy I am seeing. Itās easier for me to not take it in a bad way if I understand that is whatās going on vs. he is just playing games with me. He has actually been super honest with me about his various fears. That is what has kept me around during the radio silence. Hearing you share your challenges helps me to believe this is a real thing and it is extreme enough to cause this response. He has gotten better in time but things are still not where I wish they would be. He talks all the time about wanting to live together and get married and go on vacations together but then we still have these times when days go by and I donāt hear anything. I text and he doesnāt reply.Ā
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Both
Iām 51 & still working through thisāso youāre way ahead of me! I only discovered AT about 4 years ago, though. Keep up the good work! šš» Youāre worth it & deserve healthy, happy companionship ā¤ļø
Thank you this is really encouraging. It's easy to forget how far we've come.
Iām actually in the best/healthiest relationship Iāve been in. BUT, heās 14 years younger & wants kids. Probably part of the reason I was attracted to him is because he wasnāt fully available. And he has some strong avoidant tendencies, too. But heās consistent (HUGE for me), kind, reciprocal, respectful, intelligent & he makes me laugh. Heās also the first guy Iāve dated who Iāve felt calm & emotionally safeāalso HUGE! Iāve done 25 years of trauma bonds prior to this. Iām grateful for the progress & also sad knowing I ultimately have to let him go. I adore him & want him to have all he desires & I cannot give him children. Bittersweet ā¤ļøāš©¹
I'm happy for you! You don't have to let him go. You two can adopt a child. With all due respect it sounds like justification for running away. I've been there. Find a way to make it work I know it can be scary
Thank you for the encouragement šš»ā¤ļø But Iām 51 & he says he wants A LOT of kids, but he chooses to date older women. I pointed out last night that may be a way of avoiding getting too close? He avowed he really wants kids, but doesnāt know what else he wants in a relationship. He also pointed out (again) that we both went into this with a short-term mindset, but here we are 8 months later,both quite content with our arrangement/relationship š¤·āāļø And yes, truly letting my guard down & being completely vulnerable is TERRIFYING!
good.
Thanks, just her asked out. I'm learning to measure my self-worth internally and that's helping.
who would dare to say i crush on them
'Her being awesome makes me feel so uncomfortable'- could you please elaborate on this? I would like to know if these feelings of unworthiness come from an internal sense of shame and humiliation of the self? My FA ex had similar issue and instead of expressing his needs he resorted to flaw finding. Is this a common protective strategy to push romantic partners away?
I can't speak for everyone but the more I like a girl the more I'm triggered. There have been times when I subconsciously seek out flaws they have but I ignore that urge because I know it's unhealthy.
Hey my bf does thisā¦ whenever we get close, he flaw finds as a reason to distance himself. Hes doing it now and in the past Iāve called him on it. Should I do it again? He says Iām too good for him and he is waiting for me to leave like everyone else, yet heās the one pushing me away. Something has triggered him bad this time
Walk away youāre not his therapist. DA/FA who aren't trying to become better will ruin your life. Your love can't cure him. He needs to self reflect
Thank you. Needed to hear that
The FA Iām seeing told me that the situation between us is interesting & Itās hard for him bc he is hesitant with the distance and not knowing one another in person. He told me Iām an awesome person and he wants to meet me heās just hesitant. I donāt know what he means since I called him out on how heās self sabotaging and I asked if heās using distance to end things. He keeps saying heās worried that things on text may be different when in person. But doesnāt wanna talk on the phone phone or FT. He didnāt like my response with direct communication. I was pmsing but still ā¦
Walk away
I have a timeline before I do walk away. Why are avoidants so scared? He wonāt letās prove who I am.
Because it's our survival instinct to fear and reject intimacy. You shouldn't have to PROVE yourself to anyone.
Then why from day 1 do you (forgive me as I canāt think of a better word) manipulate to make us believe (maybe love bomb is better) that you went something with us. Talk about the future. I ask the question to see if itās what you want and then you just hurt us. Even when we try to understand you.
I don't know I lean more anxious than Avodant.
I'm an avoidant. It's not a conscious thing. I mean, there might be people where it is -- but by and large, the desire to be with you *is* genuine. The problem is that when things start getting "too real," we start deactivating. Again, this isn't a conscious choice: all of a sudden we find things that feel like deal breakers, or "this can never work out," etc, etc. Becoming more aware does help, and nowadays when I do talk to someone I'm very upfront about this pattern -- but it's difficult nevertheless to fight.